This Past Weekend with Theo Von - Chris D'Elia 2 ｜ This Past Weekend #204

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00:03:14.400 Some people say he's an arch rival, a nemesis or a nemesis, they say. Some people say that he

00:03:22.440 is a myth. But do myths show up in the form of man? I don't know. I don't even know what I'm

00:03:34.320 talking about. But I'll say this for 150% that we have a young man in today fresh off this documentary

00:03:45.040 about his shoulders is popping off. You know, we have a cult leader. We have a film, television,

00:03:53.300 Instagram, Vine, star, phenom. This guy is the, I mean, he's the Will Smith of Vine. This guy is a

00:04:07.040 happy, um, haberdasher with his new babies line. This guy is the new Warren Jeffs to a lot of people.

00:04:17.240 He's a comedian. He's a podcaster. I'm getting tired of introducing him. Ladies and gentlemen,

00:04:24.260 uh, uh, from the congratulations pod, which I recommend you listen to if you want to get

00:04:32.860 really dented, Mr. Chris D'Elia.

00:04:53.020 Are you bigger there than you are in America?

00:04:55.380 I think I might be an Australian comedian. Are you, uh, uh, what's his name? Arge Barker?

00:05:03.200 I know. Yeah. Arge Barker sounds also like someone vomited. I feel like the, the, the name

00:05:11.000 just saying Arge Barker. One time I was in Montreal and I was like coming up and I felt like all people

00:05:15.540 were starting to know my name and Arge Barker came down to the lobby and he was like, are you my

00:05:19.600 driver? No. Yeah. And I was like, ah, okay. All right. Okay. Okay. I'm one new face.

00:05:25.600 Yeah. I was like, no, this wasn't even, this was after that. I had like a fucking, and I was like,

00:05:30.720 nah, I'm a, uh, I'm a comedian. And I laughed and he was like, oh shit. Okay. And then, and then the 1.00

00:05:37.280 next like two years later, I saw Arge Barker, he was at Starbucks and he saw me, he was like, hey,

00:05:41.740 hey, Chris. And I was like, ah, redemption. Got to drive. Yeah. Sorry. I'm parallel parked out front.

00:05:48.980 Um, dude, you look big. You look older. You look, I know, I'm getting older. You look different. I feel like,

00:05:53.380 are you doing anything different? So I got, what are you doing? I got, like, kind of

00:05:59.480 do you take care of yourself? Do you? Well, I work out a lot. You do? Yeah. Um, and because

00:06:05.780 like, I get, I get bored on the road, but then also I just was like, I want to do action

00:06:11.700 movies. Yeah. Like, like, so like, I'm like, if I'm going to do that, I have to actually do

00:06:16.740 actual work. You have to look the part. Yeah. So, so I started working out really fucking

00:06:22.020 hard. Are you doing unique types of training? Because you seem like somebody that doesn't

00:06:27.100 do, I see you in some of your videos. I see you, you know, I know that they had the shoulder

00:06:31.500 documentary thing that people were, you know, that they're pitching and stuff. And I know

00:06:35.440 the shoulders are outside right now. No, the, the doc, the guy, the crew, I try to speed

00:06:39.680 away, but they're fucking good drivers. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's crazy, man. Well, it's a 0.99

00:06:44.080 traparazzi too. They're trying to get pictures of people's traps. Right. And, but are you

00:06:48.740 doing any like a unique training? I see you doing like American Ninja Warriors stuff. When

00:06:52.420 I think of you and get jealous a little, some of the jealous thoughts I have of you swinging

00:06:56.440 off of different stuff. So the thoughts of me, the jealous thoughts of me are all about

00:07:00.360 me being active. I like that a lot. Yeah. Now they are, since you told me you wanted

00:07:03.840 to be an action hero. Right. So, so you've had those jealous thoughts for about 35 seconds.

00:07:09.520 Yeah. No, I've had them probably six or seven years. Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

00:07:13.760 I don't know, man. Like I get like the, this, first of all, like this, the movies that I

00:07:18.960 am being considered for are like movies, TV are like all like comedy, silly, you know, I'm

00:07:27.240 either a young dad or I'm like, I've just done, they're, they're, they're only going

00:07:32.000 to offer you stuff that you've kind of already done. Right. Because they can see you doing

00:07:36.160 that. Oh, wow. You know what I'm saying? Is that nearsighted by the industry? Well,

00:07:39.800 it's just safe, you know, and, and I don't blame them because they know, they know, you

00:07:45.140 know, take, take an action movie star. They're going to get offered action movie stuff. Right.

00:07:49.520 You know, they're not going to, they're not going to, you know, it might be a little bit

00:07:53.200 out of the box to be like, well, can he do a romantic comedy? I don't know. Let's see

00:07:55.840 him do it. Let's see him act. Let's see him audition or whatever. Like will people believe

00:07:59.400 it? Yeah, exactly. But for, so for me, like, but I don't want to do this. Like if I'm going

00:08:02.780 to do a comedy, the best comedy for us that we're going to do is our standup. Right.

00:08:07.780 Because it's exactly what we're going to do. Right. You know? Yeah. It is interesting.

00:08:10.800 You start thinking sometimes, oh, I got to fit in this role as a, as a, in a, in a sketch

00:08:15.680 or in a series. Like, oh, I'm already doing my whole series. I know. In a show. And you're,

00:08:20.780 and you're also, you're also, if you're going to do a movie or a TV show, you're going to

00:08:24.120 take a pay cut because you make more money doing standup. So if I'm going to take a pay

00:08:28.920 cut, I want to do some shit I want to do. And to me, it would be awesome to do action 0.98

00:08:32.080 or something hilarious like that. I could see you doing in like a Deadpool, but sort of

00:08:36.140 like in, uh, maybe like right outside of like, I don't want to say Oklahoma city, but maybe

00:08:40.820 like Missouri. I could do a dead, like Deadpool, uh, Kansas city, Kansas city.

00:08:45.680 Like how they do the CSI and all the different areas, but they do one for, they do the Deadpool,

00:08:50.380 Deadpool, Kansas city. Yeah. I think, I mean, I don't know. I could see you also being a really

00:08:55.380 unique villain in like a, like a dark city, like a Gotham. Yeah. I definitely have the

00:09:00.600 eyebrows for that. Yeah. But also I'm going, I think, I think what you're saying, I look

00:09:04.900 different because I get, I get a little, I got a little gray in the last year. Oh, is

00:09:07.780 that what it is? I think so. You do seem older or more confident maybe to me. You've

00:09:12.760 always seemed confident though. So you couldn't seem more confident than you had.

00:09:15.220 Do you ever grow this out? Cause you probably have some gray, huh? Yeah. I get gray. It's

00:09:20.500 very scary. I have gray chest hair too. Oh wow. And somebody saw it the other day on a

00:09:24.040 video and it was like 70 people said something. Yeah. First it hurt my feelings. Then it reminded

00:09:29.180 me of my grandfather. Well, and that's kind of not bittersweet, but also, uh, to have 70

00:09:35.340 people talking about your fucking gray chest hair, that means you made it. Yeah. If you have 0.98

00:09:39.220 70 people talking about your gray chest hair, you made it. Yeah. Yeah. But you were the

00:09:43.660 same age. Yeah. No, you are a couple months younger than me. I'm 39.

00:09:47.960 But that's, we would say same age in life. You wouldn't be like, no, I'm a few months

00:09:52.440 older than you. Cause that would be so weird. Yeah. Yeah. Like we're both 39. You wouldn't

00:09:56.240 be like, no, we're not the same age. My birthday's first. Yeah. Yeah. Well, tell him how old

00:09:59.980 you really are. Just a couple of days earlier. Yeah. Oh, that's like asking. If

00:10:06.600 somebody told me, by the way, we lie, you're 45. I'd be like, that makes a lot

00:10:10.420 of sense. You know, like your family surprised you at dinner. You could be 50. You

00:10:17.120 could be 50. No. No. What do you think? Your real age, what's your real age, bro?

00:10:21.320 Come on. Like I'm, I'm not talking about, I know you're really just 39. 39 is tops for

00:10:24.520 me. I think I'm running under. I think I'm running at 37 and a half. You think that's

00:10:26.920 your brain or your body though? Both? Ooh, I don't know. Maybe your brain. That's

00:10:31.940 what I'm saying. If somebody told me, by the way, you're 43, I'd be like, you know

00:10:38.140 what I'd be like? You know that meme, that WeeBay meme in The Wire where he's

00:10:41.100 like, oh, that's what I would do. That's the fucking, dude, my dad was like, we 0.98

00:10:46.100 lied to you. You were born in 1976. I would be like, I would be like, okay, now it 1.00

00:10:51.080 makes sense. I'm glad you, I'm glad you lied. I would actually be happy that my

00:10:54.000 parents lied. Would you be upset at them or no?

00:10:56.920 Really though? If they're like, Chris, you're 43. Nah. If they had a good

00:10:59.800 reason, if they were like, yo, the reason is because we didn't want you to

00:11:04.060 feel like if in case, we wanted you to feel like everything you got in life,

00:11:08.180 you got it, you got it, you know, not too old. You know what I'm saying? Because

00:11:12.580 like I'm, right now I'm 39 and I feel very accomplished for a 39 year old.

00:11:16.820 Right. But for a 45 year old, I feel accomplished, but not very accomplished.

00:11:21.360 What is the next, what's that next level? You think owning a tank? Nah. Well, I'll tell you

00:11:26.000 what, dude. Um, if I had, I could see you getting a tank. If I had like, I mean, because

00:11:33.920 here's the thing though, but first of all, you can't keep a tank in LA, right? So, so

00:11:39.360 you're not only do you need the money for the tank, you need the money for fucking to 0.98

00:11:41.960 transport the tank or to wherever. Okay. You have to get the tank. You have to get it 0.99

00:11:44.520 airlifted in. I would say I would keep, uh, you know, you could probably keep it. You

00:11:48.020 could probably keep it somewhere fucking shitty like Albuquerque. You could probably keep 1.00

00:11:50.920 it in Albuquerque. Yeah. They would actually probably love it if I kept a tank there.

00:11:55.540 Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. You'd have to, yeah. They'd be like, oh, Chris Lee

00:11:57.880 keeps a tank. Yeah. You know, Albuquerque, the Albuquerque would literally be like, you

00:12:00.740 know, uh, Albuquerque is great because we have, you know, whatever the crops they have. And

00:12:06.260 then also Chris Lee keeps his tank here. Yeah. Spices. They have spices. I think. Yeah.

00:12:09.680 They probably do. Cause it's close to down south. Unique peppers. Oh, I remember on the

00:12:12.420 news, that lady got mad at you on the news in Mexico or wherever. Yep. Yep. And you 1.00

00:12:16.940 made the news, bro. Did that blow your mind a little? Oh yeah. That was like one of the

00:12:21.420 fucking, like, like, you know what is cool about like a career is like all the stuff that 0.98

00:12:26.140 you do like in the career, like you're like, okay, I want to do a standup special and that's 0.99

00:12:31.040 all the best shit. I want to be on a TV show. I want to fucking, you know, and I did all 0.86

00:12:34.940 that. I did the, you know, undateable. I did Whitney. I did the specials come out every 0.99

00:12:39.040 few years and it's like. You did the roast too. I remember when you did the roast and that

00:12:42.440 was really, really cool. You know, things like that. You're like, you know what? These are

00:12:44.740 the goals. These are the things that I want to do and not that they're expected, but you

00:12:49.580 expect them to happen if you work very hard, right? Like the things like that though, or

00:12:54.000 like the things that come up, like, you know, the M&M thing, you know, like that shit and 0.99

00:12:59.700 the Albuquerque news, that shit is the shit that's like, wow, really, really special and 0.99

00:13:04.560 really funny because you don't expect it to happen, but it's like the perks. Yeah. Yeah. 1.00

00:13:08.360 They got fucking, they blasted me and then I talked about it again and then I made another 0.99

00:13:11.700 segment on Albuquerque. Yeah. They did it twice. And did they, cause it seemed like some people 1.00

00:13:15.980 came to your defense, but did they, uh, did you guys reconcile it at a certain point or

00:13:20.900 no? No. So you would say you have active beef with. Yeah. I will. I have active beef with

00:13:27.280 Albuquerque and I'll tell you what, I'll never squash that beef. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll

00:13:31.520 never squash that beef until I'm 36 in a year. But I'm 39. Let's not actually make people

00:13:37.380 actually thinking cause they just tuned in that I am 46. Um, no, but, uh, yeah. And

00:13:42.260 I actually may be spending a fucking quite some time in Albuquerque soon. Yeah. Uh, because 0.96

00:13:45.740 I might, I might know about it. I'm being serious. Yeah. I might be actually shooting a movie in

00:13:48.540 Albuquerque. And is it hilarious? Somebody, now this is a rumor that I also heard that it's

00:13:52.520 Breaking Bad the movie. Yeah. It's Breaking Bad the movie. No, they are doing Breaking Bad

00:13:56.540 the movie, but it's not that. It's not that. No, I'm not going to be in that. So far I'm not

00:13:59.960 going to be in that. You promise it's not? I promise it's not that. Yeah. Do you, are you a

00:14:03.640 legitimate, are you someone who promises we can trust or not trust? You can promise.

00:14:07.100 If I tell you what I would, I have never, I have never, my track record is I have never

00:14:11.240 lied about Breaking Bad so far. Wow. And I'll keep that up. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's

00:14:15.980 nice. You guys have a fucking plant here, by the way. That's hilarious. This is rock bottom. 1.00

00:14:21.900 No, but it's cool because I think I did one of the first episodes of your old studio and

00:14:26.120 this is the first one. This is the first one of the new one. Yeah. It's crazy, man. Yeah.

00:14:30.260 So we're out here. You're going to do like a wall. I don't know what we're going to do.

00:14:32.980 You know the guy who did the cartoons though of all the different podcast people? We're

00:14:37.140 thinking about getting that all around the wall in there. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, in there.

00:14:40.880 Yeah. That'd be awesome. But nobody would see that, right? Right. It would just be for

00:14:43.500 when people came in. We're going to get like a ping pong table maybe in there and like some

00:14:47.080 places where. It's crazy though. This is now fucking also so far for me. Like you guys

00:14:52.580 only have, like get a place in the fucking place. You know what I mean? Oh yeah. That's right. 1.00

00:14:56.000 You're in the thick of it, but you're not, you're in the thick of it when we do stand 0.99

00:14:59.600 up and all that shit. You're in the comedy store and then your fucking first shit was 1.00

00:15:02.720 in Marina del Rey or wherever the fuck it was. And then the next shit is all the way 1.00

00:15:05.940 over fucking here. I don't even know where we are. Yeah. Where is it? There's golf near 1.00

00:15:08.560 here. I know that. Encino? There was a golf course near here. Yeah. I don't want to say

00:15:11.800 the exact location, you know? And they caught a serial killer not far from here too.

00:15:15.860 Wow. And Pauly Shore did a movie here. That's right. He did. Encino Man. No, no. But Encino is

00:15:21.300 actually, this is Encino the, is this actually the movie? This is where the movie was. This

00:15:28.520 is where it was? This is where they shot it. Yeah. Wow. Pretty cool. Encino Man. Wow.

00:15:34.140 Yeah, dude. And also you get to also work on the mic because Gianni Paolo, our former guest

00:15:38.820 from last week is here. And so he's now back. On the Instagram I said, oh, you guys got Gianni

00:15:43.320 Paolo? Yeah. You saw that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I laughed at it. Well, you had to laugh, Gianni.

00:15:47.620 Yeah. So you're still working here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, but wow. You guys, you guys

00:15:53.220 got good shoes too though, the two of you. But what's up? You always wear, you've been

00:15:56.460 wearing those shoes. They do. Yeah, I don't do a lot of them. Yeah, but you've been wearing

00:15:58.640 those shoes. He wears K-Swiss. Yeah. You've been wearing those shoes. I don't do a lot of

00:16:01.620 fancy footwear. Yeah, but that's where you can really spice it up. But you spice it up in

00:16:04.680 other ways. You're like, you got the Houston jersey on. Yeah. And a goatee. Somebody made me

00:16:07.620 this, Rat King. Oh, wow. That's really cool. That's fucking awesome. Yeah. Yeah. So you can't really

00:16:13.620 wear crazy shoes if you have a goatee. And I do the goatee. Would you ever do a goatee? No, never

00:16:16.480 in my life. I would never do it. Come on. You know that. So don't even disrespect anybody asking

00:16:20.060 me that question. Yeah. You know what? You know what? That question, if I was in a different mood,

00:16:25.080 could start a fucking war. Yeah. No, but it's not because we love each other. But I would never 1.00

00:16:29.720 have a goatee. And you know it. I would look horrible in a goatee. No, you wouldn't. I would.

00:16:35.200 And that's what I used to think. Yeah. And I'm not sure if I did. No, you look, it fits you. Well, you got a

00:16:39.340 fucking mullet too though. Yeah. Well, it's like long hair. I mean, your hair is almost a mullet if you cut the sides 1.00

00:16:43.400 and the only difference between you and me is a little bit of this. Yeah, it would be a mullet.

00:16:45.900 If I cut the sides. But here's, you could do, I almost see you being one of those guys who does

00:16:51.500 very, your sideburn's a half inch away from doing magic. You know that. Yeah, I do know that.

00:16:57.260 You're not telling me anything I don't know about that. You know that, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:17:00.080 As a matter of fact, I got to tell you, dude, I try to shorten it up and I got the fucking thing 0.84

00:17:06.680 and I try to make it shorter and shorter. And I just, I always think, I always think when I do it, 0.89

00:17:12.740 I did it fucking two days ago. I think, I was like, there we go. It's shorter. And then out 0.95

00:17:16.500 in the day, I'm like driving. I see myself in the thing. I'm like, it still looks like a fucking

00:17:19.540 goddamn, you know, almost a magician. I don't like that. Yeah. But I'll never, you know, it's just 1.00

00:17:23.920 like, you just got to shake hands with who you are sometimes. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm almost a magician.

00:17:27.760 What are some things about you? If you had to change something, honestly, you had to change

00:17:30.660 something about Chris D'Elia. You're like, oh, this has to go. Calf power. Calf power. I would have

00:17:35.220 calf power. Yeah. You don't have any? Yeah. No, I have no calf power. Oh my God. I have no calf power. Any. You don't have any?

00:17:40.900 No, dude. If I even look up for a high book on a shelf, I fucking. Yeah. You're probably right. 1.00

00:17:44.380 You got to get a water. Dude, dude, I have no calf power and I love working out. And when it comes

00:17:49.500 to calf, I just, I guess I just go, you know what? Fucking, I guess, forget it, dude. You just leave 0.99

00:17:53.340 at the end and don't do them. Yeah. I don't. I don't. I save them for the end and then I don't do them.

00:17:57.560 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And they work out early. Dude, my mom, my mom would always be like, 1.00

00:18:01.320 when I was a kid, she would, this is the same kind of shit. She would be like, what kind of homework do you have? And I would be 0.99

00:18:05.940 like, oh, I got English. I got math. I got fucking social studies. I got this. And she'd be like,

00:18:09.880 okay, cool. And then like three, and then like five o'clock would roll around and she'd be like,

00:18:12.600 you should get started on your homework. And I'd be like, you know what? I fucking talked to my,

00:18:16.000 the math thing isn't due until fucking Tuesday. So I don't have to do that tonight. And then it turns 0.99

00:18:19.800 out social studies was a lot less than I thought it was. And she'd be like, oh really? I'd be like,

00:18:22.800 yeah. Okay. And then nine o'clock and she'd be like, did you do your homework? I'd be like, no,

00:18:25.760 but it's actually okay. And she'd be like, what? And I just would never do my homework.

00:18:29.280 Like that's what, that's what calf exercises is like. I would never do, dude, I fucking wish. 0.99

00:18:34.160 That's so true. I'll tell you what, man. You did that shit? Dude, I'll tell you what, I wish, 0.98

00:18:40.760 you know how they always say like, kids, do your homework, stay in school. I wish I didn't do more

00:18:45.680 homework. I wish I did less homework. Really? Yeah, dude. We do dick jokes. Yeah. Oh yeah. I don't

00:18:52.360 need to know about fucking imaginary numbers. I didn't have to do any of that work. Dude, when I, 0.99

00:18:56.540 when I did math, okay, when I was in math and I was not doing well in math. Where'd you sit in the

00:19:03.100 classroom? Uh, the back until they made me sit in the front. Oh, you sat in the back? They made me

00:19:08.520 sit in the front. Oh, that kid? Because they were like, yeah. Oh, there was always a kid that they

00:19:11.700 moved up halfway through? Yeah, exactly. Like you thought the back was the worst until you got to

00:19:16.040 the front. It was like they lapped you with the front. You could sit in the front and be like, oh,

00:19:20.260 the back is the shit. And they're like, no, no, no, no. Get back in the front. I'm like, these motherfuckers, 1.00

00:19:23.760 I'm lapping these people. That's how bad I am. So. But then didn't all your friends in the back 1.00

00:19:27.860 look so dumb? Then once you got to the front, you looked back and you're like, oh, those kids 0.99

00:19:31.660 are dumb as fuck. They did. And, and, and, and yeah. And they, you were even dumber, but they 1.00

00:19:37.000 could only see your back. So it's okay. Um, they can see your face. Um, yeah. So I, so I would do math 0.99

00:19:42.600 and then, and then I got like, uh, to a math, like we got to imaginary numbers and I was like, 0.99

00:19:48.600 if you're just going to make this shit up from now on, I'll fail and I don't give a shit. You 0.99

00:19:52.480 know what I mean? Like fucking go fuck your, where's the camera? Go fuck yourself with your 1.00

00:19:56.920 imaginary numbers. Yeah. And that's common core, man. When I was growing up, they had, 1.00

00:20:01.260 yeah, it got all kind of crazy. Carry the one. I'm like, oh, this shit, it sounds like a fire

00:20:05.140 hazard. Like things got real vague and things were, uh, it sounded like somebody was getting 1.00

00:20:09.460 abducted. Remember that? Carry the one. I'm like, I'm out of here. Yeah. I'm not into that.

00:20:14.180 Yeah. I'm like, I go, I go digit, I go single digits. And if you want, I could go a little

00:20:18.280 bit of double digits and then that's it, dude. When you get into hundreds and carrying shit 0.99

00:20:21.760 and X exponents, right? Fuck out of here. I'm out of here. What am I? A scientist? 1.00

00:20:28.380 Yeah. What am I? A fucking burn victim? Do you think I want to know how all these chemicals

00:20:31.880 work? I'm just like, dude, you want me to do this? I'm like, Chernobyl exploded anyway.

00:20:35.880 And I don't have anything like you got guys who do that shit. Me? Fuck out of here. 0.99

00:20:40.000 That's true. What are we going to do with that information, man? Yeah. Do you remember 1.00

00:20:43.520 learning about how like a neighborhood worked? Remember that? Where the postman should go

00:20:47.520 in the neighborhood to be the most effective? So we, yeah. So we never learned that. Uh,

00:20:52.260 my, my town, we never learned that. Uh, and I don't think that that's a class, but you,

00:20:57.100 you maybe may, you maybe learn that. That would be amazing if there was a class on how a neighborhood

00:21:01.420 worked. You know what, dude, there should be a fucking class on how, cause here's the thing. 0.99

00:21:05.100 There should be, these should be the classes. Okay. For real. Okay. Let me hear some of them. 0.98

00:21:08.820 Get out English a little bit up to like fourth grade. Yeah. And then high school. No, you don't

00:21:14.120 need English in high school. You don't need English in high school. Yeah. If you're, here's the thing.

00:21:17.880 If you're don't know English, how do you even get to high school? If you're in eighth grade and you

00:21:22.100 don't know how to talk, you have to, you have to join the army basically. Right. Cause like,

00:21:29.240 you know, and you're frontline. You understand? You're not the guy in the back. By the way,

00:21:33.560 army, that's opposite of a classroom. Yeah. It's opposite. Yeah. You're dumb as fuck. You're in the front.

00:21:37.580 You know, they're all the laughed motherfuckers. So yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're the guy. 1.00

00:21:41.940 They teach you how to catch bullets with your heart. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Or a head,

00:21:45.840 head or heart. Johnny caught it in the shoulder. Not good enough. Not good enough. Um, so. Okay.

00:21:53.200 So that's two of the classes. English is out. English is out. Right. Social studies, by the way,

00:21:58.480 that's where you learned about the neighborhood. What is it? Yeah. But, but it's not though. Do you

00:22:01.800 understand? It's neighborhood. It's what statues are. Right, right, right, right. So this is what it should

00:22:06.420 be. Actually, for real, how a city or neighborhood works. Okay. Okay. That should be class. And we

00:22:11.080 call that what? Just basically street beats. All right, cool. I like that. It's a good class name.

00:22:19.880 Also, if the class names were hip. Yeah. If the class names were hip like that, I would be in it,

00:22:26.620 man. Yes, sir. I'd take street beats, boy. Yep. Street beats, AP, AP street beats. Yeah,

00:22:31.360 AP street beats, dude. Yep. Yeah, Larry got a tattoo. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Now, why did Larry

00:22:36.860 get a tattoo? Right, yeah. So today we're learning class why Larry got a tattoo. And I'm in the,

00:22:42.060 I'm in the front, right? Is it because his name is Larry? All guys named Larry have a tattoo. If you

00:22:47.140 ever met a guy who's named Larry and doesn't have a tattoo and he's not in the Three Stooges, you

00:22:50.860 haven't met a Larry, I'll tell you that much. So, um, so, so. So. So you got street beats.

00:22:57.100 So street beats. Um. Swimming, huh? Mm, depends. Really. Not, not in Indiana. Right. No, but

00:23:04.560 in LA, yes. Yeah. In the, yeah, beaching. You know what I mean? West coast, east coast. You

00:23:09.780 know. Being a beach guy. Yeah. Beach guy. Um, maybe like up near, you know, some, some fucking

00:23:15.180 city west of Portland, you might learn that. Body style or like, yeah, let me think. Uh, 0.98

00:23:19.600 um, uh, you learn, you know what you, you know what's a good, what a good class would

00:23:23.460 be? Like to learn who an alpha is. Like you have to understand who the alphas are. And

00:23:28.620 we call the class peck, the pecking order or something. Okay. Yeah. Pecking order. Like

00:23:32.320 you don't. PO they call it for sure. Okay. Yeah. Who do you have for PO? Yeah. Yeah. And

00:23:36.540 it would be like this real fucking, either you would have teachers that were like real alpha 0.99

00:23:40.040 or these real beta motherfuckers that were like, look, I understand who I am. Um, and it's 0.99

00:23:45.120 okay if this is who you are, but you need to know who you are. And if an alpha walks in

00:23:47.700 the room, you kind of look at them like, you know what I mean? Yeah. Just water the

00:23:50.920 plants again. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. How do you look at how you offer him a lollipop

00:23:54.000 or whatever the fuck it is? Like who, you know, you understand, you know, not class 0.99

00:23:57.460 pecking order. It would be like, Greg, stand up, show us how you look at an alpha. And

00:24:01.140 he'll be like, because I'm a beta. Yes. And then Greg goes like this and you're like a

00:24:04.220 plus. Oh yeah. Yeah. Plus Greg. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just keep hanging the Christmas

00:24:07.400 ornaments, Greg. Right. He'll be over there under the mistletoe. He'll be over there

00:24:10.200 under the mistletoe. A hundred percent. Yeah. Yeah. I think how to behave at functions is

00:24:15.000 another one maybe. That's a good one. Function behavior. That could probably be in PO. Yeah.

00:24:19.180 It could be in PO. Yeah. It could be like a second year. Yeah. Because alphas behave

00:24:23.320 differently than betas in. Oh, it's different. Alphas will leave a place early. Kind of to

00:24:28.620 go do something better even though they're not doing anything. And get there late. Yeah.

00:24:31.480 Alphas are only in places for like 25 minutes. Yeah. Sometimes they barely even show up.

00:24:34.580 They get there late and they left early. Yeah. Would you say you're an alpha? Me? Yeah. No. I think

00:24:38.400 I'm more of a beta probably. Really? I'm like one of those Chinese fighting fish, I think. What are those? Betas. 0.96

00:24:45.620 Yeah. But I think they have their own alpha beta shit going on. Well, I mean, yeah, they're 0.99

00:24:49.680 suicidal, some of them. Yeah. But they only think they're killing themselves. A lot of them

00:24:53.700 think it's a mirror and they're killing themselves. That's why they do that. That's so fucking

00:24:56.800 interesting. You know what? You came to a dinner once and you came late and left early. 0.98

00:24:59.860 Remember that dinner? Oh, yeah, I did. So you're my Ben Alpha. Yeah, because you guys, first

00:25:03.120 of all, it was a dinner in the dark. Well, but that's what a fucking, that's what a nice 0.99

00:25:07.140 place is. It's crazy. You don't go to a fucking bright place for dinner, dude. What are you fucking, 1.00

00:25:11.640 you know, you make some money. You got to go fucking dim the lights, bro. Make money. 1.00

00:25:15.000 Yeah. I want to see what I'm making, bro. No, dude, that's why, because you're

00:25:17.820 pouring your heart. That's why. You're pouring your heart. You got to let that go.

00:25:24.240 That's true, man. You are pouring your heart, you know. I really am, man.

00:25:26.720 Yeah, it's okay. But that's okay, though. That's why people like you, bro. That's one

00:25:30.320 of the reasons why people like you. That's why I like you. That's one of the reasons why

00:25:32.340 I like you. Yeah? Yeah. We're very different, but we also like, we vibe off each other.

00:25:36.560 And I'll tell you too, what was I going to say? Oh, yeah. You thought you'd be all

00:25:40.960 alpha by coming late and leaving early? Yeah. I paid for your meal. Yeah, I did. I paid

00:25:46.020 for your meal. So you're not going to alpha me, bro. Wow. Yeah, I was like, what am I

00:25:50.460 going to do? And I took what we should have learned in school, and I was like, it was like

00:25:54.540 that meme with the fucking, who's the guy? Zach Alphanakis. Yeah, Zach Alphanakis doing 0.98

00:25:58.720 all the math, and I was like, pay for it. I was like, bye-bye. I got it, and I'll pay for

00:26:02.740 it. And they all went, oh, they did the WeeBay meme. That's a pecking order. Yeah. Dude, are you

00:26:06.600 starting to live through memes, you think? I don't know. I did two meme jokes, and I think

00:26:10.260 that's probably it. I think that's probably it for the day, probably. Yeah. I thought about that

00:26:14.600 when I said that. I was like, eh, too many meme jokes, but is what it is. How was, you know,

00:26:21.140 they recently, this guy was on trial for that NXIVM cult. And so I want to see, do you see that

00:26:25.920 kind of stuff in fear where the babies and you guys could all end up? So what's he in trouble for?

00:26:33.180 I haven't heard about this. He's in trouble, I think, for sex trafficking and also, also

00:26:38.740 produce crossing state lines. They did some other thing. Really? Yeah, they're getting

00:26:42.620 him for everything. I mean, once you go down for sex trafficking, they throw in this fucking, 0.99

00:26:45.800 you know, they throw the sink out with the strawberries, you know? They're like, they got you 1.00

00:26:47.940 for taxes, too. Yeah. So I... Do you worry about things devolving there? No. The only thing

00:26:53.940 I worry about is, you know, the people taking it for what it's not, for making it different

00:27:01.780 than what it actually is. We live the hedonistic lifestyle. It's about fucking and sucking.

00:27:06.060 Yeah. And we hang out, dude. Oh, yeah. But nobody fucks and sucks if you don't want to... 1.00

00:27:09.300 Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Right, right. It's a, yeah. Yeah, it's a mutual thing. 0.99

00:27:13.060 Right, right. Yeah, I do. It's not people surprising people. No, no, no, no, no. Hey, what's up?

00:27:18.140 You know? Okay. Because I saw, yeah, I saw a good bit of Dent merch at a lot of my shows. People

00:27:24.300 wear to fuck with me. Yeah. But yeah, but see, that's... See, it's all love. Yeah. 1.00

00:27:29.540 See, that's the thing. It's all love, right? But when you got people... Like, people comment

00:27:33.920 on my shit, fuck you. You're not funny like Theo Vaughn. They don't get it. Yeah, yeah, 1.00

00:27:38.720 yeah. You don't understand, bro. This is all love. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah,

00:27:43.080 it's fun. It's like... Yeah. It's like Game of Throw rugs. 100%. Yeah. Yeah. It's like

00:27:48.460 you're gonna... I'll tell you what it's not. It's not Game of Thrones. No. Yeah. I'm on season

00:27:52.600 three, so you don't give me any spoilers. No, I'm on season five. Oh, you are? Okay. Are you really?

00:27:55.820 Yeah, I couldn't even... Oh, my God. How are we not doing a recap show?

00:27:59.180 I don't know. You know... How are we not doing a fucking recap show, man? 0.99

00:28:03.360 Because it's not Tiger Belly, because that's basically what? 90... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.98

00:28:06.680 That's all they talk about? Really? I don't know. Oh, they're running out of things to talk

00:28:09.100 about, dude. You know? Once they... Once Bobby couldn't get erections anymore, they've

00:28:12.720 totally struggled with some things to talk about over there. Yeah. They've almost got that

00:28:16.300 Filipino kid. They've almost got him. He's almost full-time now. Oh, wow. Imagine Bobby... Imagine Bobby 0.99

00:28:23.140 for real. Like, someone was like, I'm gonna kill your family if you don't... 0.99

00:28:29.180 if you don't actually do a real-style performance singing and actually try and take it seriously.

00:28:36.400 Yeah. His whole family would die. Yeah. Yeah. Because there's no way in hell... There's no way

00:28:41.260 in hell Bobby could get out into, like, a 2000-seater and perform for real, like, Frank Sinatra songs

00:28:48.220 without thinking about maybe being funny and then pushing it a little bit, and then they would just 0.96

00:28:52.680 literally slice his family's heads all off like that. Bro. And I'll tell you what, you couldn't 0.99

00:28:57.220 either. You don't think? I don't think... I think you could take it seriously. God damn,

00:29:00.720 that's even funnier. That's a good question. Even imagine you... Imagine you singing in front 0.99

00:29:05.780 of 2,000 people killing it. Yeah. I think, honestly, you could do it. 0.97

00:29:11.540 But it would be so bad. It would be so bad. And here's the part, though. It would start

00:29:18.440 to be so bad, and you would know it's bad. Yeah. You would want to start to vibe on how

00:29:22.300 bad it is, and you couldn't. Yeah, yeah. The comic in us, yeah. Yes, the comic in you.

00:29:26.560 Yeah. But Bobby, not a chance. No, no. Bobby would die immediately. Bobby would be like...

00:29:30.300 Bobby would be like... Ooh. Yeah, what's the song? Bobby in the poop outside. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:29:35.140 Bobby, if I could turn back the hands of time... Tokey. Like, he would do that, and then

00:29:39.900 they'd be like, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, his whole lineage. Yeah. He couldn't do it.

00:29:44.760 I thought about that. I thought about that on the way over here, actually. I did. I know.

00:29:47.800 I know. I did. I was like, I bet Bobby couldn't do that. Jesus, man. Have you ever... Have

00:29:53.480 you seen any of your babies get out of line, and you had to fucking put them back in the 0.99

00:29:57.320 crib? Well, yeah, but I don't put them back. I don't call them out, because I feel like 0.98

00:30:01.960 maybe they're going to be crazy. Once they... You want to get lost? You want to get lost,

00:30:07.180 bro, in your head? You're lost. Yeah. I'm not the guy... Yeah. What am I? I'm a gatherer?

00:30:12.520 Yeah, no. Not really, bro. I'm not a stepdaddy. Mm-mm. No. So...

00:30:16.340 Do you see, though, that some of them... Are you worried some of them might do crime?

00:30:21.300 Some of them do crime. Jesus Christ. Bro, let me ask a question. Wow. You see this?

00:30:26.720 Yeah, what's this? No, what's this? A guy in a baby shirt was caught on camera. He took

00:30:31.860 a package off someone's, uh... Holy fuck. Did you know this? Uh-uh. You're just 1.00

00:30:38.880 sprouting off against... I swear to God, I had no idea. Yeah. But these guys are both

00:30:41.780 big fans of yours. How did you find... Way bigger fans than they are of mine. They've

00:30:44.440 never bring up shit from yours. So... Very fascinating. I saw this on Twitter, and I 0.99

00:30:48.980 replied... Oh! Can we see more about this? This is unbelievable. My God. It says, does anybody

00:30:54.540 know these men? They stole two packages from my neighbor, and it's a screenshot of a security

00:30:58.940 camera. No, dude. Clear as day, you can see babies. This is hilarious. And oddly, the

00:31:04.740 one guy looks just like you, Nick, the guy in the blue. Yeah, that's Nick. Which is very

00:31:09.120 interesting. You didn't know this, though. Yeah, this is your... Oh, yeah. Turn it down

00:31:13.740 in one. Oh, man. That's funny as shit. Wow. Yeah, I had no idea. So this guy did some

00:31:19.000 crime, and he's a babies. He's a... So that's the thing. Like, I don't want him doing that.

00:31:24.540 But I can't... The number one reply was a quote from you. It said, people in this cult have

00:31:31.140 literally killed people. I'm just gonna say that to you. And that's not my... That's what I'm saying

00:31:37.080 to you. Like, you think... Like, think about... You did the last show in Brisbane, 3,000 people?

00:31:40.860 Yeah. You think none of those guys... You think none of those guys killed anybody? That's just

00:31:45.420 too many people. Yeah. In Australia? Maybe in Australia, they didn't. Yeah. If you did

00:31:49.320 a show 3,000 people in America, fucking seven people have killed people. Yeah. That's what 1.00

00:31:53.240 I'm saying. Oh, yeah. I remember when I was... We can't do... We don't do background checks. Yeah.

00:31:57.180 Not in my cult. Yeah. I remember when I was young, and they had class, and they said that

00:32:03.300 you... When we walked into class, statistics, the guy said... There was 700 people in class,

00:32:10.440 and he said, statistically speaking, two of you guys will be registered sex offenders. It's

00:32:15.120 like one of the first things you said. Jesus. Where did you go to school?

00:32:17.460 Louisiana State. Yeah. Louisiana. That's the only one. And I remember... That's when I

00:32:20.220 stood up and yelled, not it. That's what I remember I yelled. That's hilarious.

00:32:23.240 Which crushed, bro. Did you actually do that? Yeah. Wow. That's really funny. Crushed,

00:32:27.120 dude. Wow. And wait, was that freshman year? Yeah, that freshman year. Wow. So that was

00:32:32.000 your whole fucking... You were the funny guy immediately then. Yeah, at that point. They 0.99

00:32:34.340 were like, we get it. Nobody fucked that guy either, man. Wow. That guy jerked himself 0.97

00:32:38.440 off often, though, at the house. Do you masturbate at your age, or did you do it more 1.00

00:32:42.800 when you were younger? What's that journey been like for you? I don't know. I don't 0.97

00:32:46.820 really... I don't really do it too much. I do it more on the road. Yeah. You know? But

00:32:51.880 are you... I feel like... You know what, dude? You jerked off a lot when you were younger.

00:32:58.040 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I can tell. The 20s I did over in Santa Monica. Yeah. I've come 0.99

00:33:02.680 in that area a lot, brother. Not proud of it either. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're trying to get

00:33:05.800 away from it, but there's a porn place right across the hall now, so Theo's going to have...

00:33:09.200 What do you mean, though? They're like an agency. Oh, wow, wow. Yeah, so they're going

00:33:13.040 to be coming in and out right across the hall. You want 10% of this? I know, huh? So, wait,

00:33:18.660 I was going to say, hold on. There was a thing about jerking off. Yeah, I try not to jerk 1.00

00:33:25.220 off anymore now. I'm like a year off pornography almost. You're so a guy that would be like, 0.99

00:33:29.660 you know what? I'm going to try to not jerk off. Why? Why? Because it just makes me feel 0.99

00:33:33.060 weaker. It makes me feel sad if I jerk off. Why? Why? I don't know why. It's a good question, 0.94

00:33:38.720 but it makes me... A lot of people feel that way. Really? Immediately, it makes me feel that

00:33:42.780 way. It makes me feel ashamed of myself. That's so weird to me. I mean, we're both weird. We're

00:33:47.580 both weird. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but... Yeah, no, I don't think you are. I think

00:33:50.900 you're just disgusting, but yeah, man, I just feel... If I jerk off, I'm like, fuck, man, 1.00

00:33:54.340 you know? Why? I'm such a fucking loser. I don't know why. That's so interesting. But it's a real 1.00

00:33:58.400 thing. But it's just like eating. Yeah. It's not like eating. It's like barfing,

00:34:03.700 I feel like, out of your wiener. Yeah, yeah. So, it's like, yeah. It's like both of them, 0.95

00:34:08.500 but like in a way, it's like both of those, like it's a barfing out of your

00:34:11.360 wiener, but it's also, you just do it. I feel like if I injected it back into my

00:34:16.200 body... You'd feel a lot better. Yeah. That's... So, it's something about like losing

00:34:20.920 my steam, losing my manhood, losing my machismo, you know? That's very, very ancient

00:34:26.620 of you. Is it, you think? You're a very ancient, like you're like, you should be in

00:34:31.140 like Grecian old, like, you know what I mean? Really? You think I seem ancient? I would be...

00:34:35.440 Thanks, dude. I think... No, I think that when you come, you feel ancient as shit 0.99

00:34:38.800 afterwards. But I think that you... I think that you... Here's the deal. You know, 0.99

00:34:44.240 in like Greece, like however many years ago, thousands of years ago, or fucking 0.99

00:34:47.940 however many years ago, they would be like, we have to fuck these boys to make 1.00

00:34:52.320 them men. Yeah, yeah. Did you know about that? Yeah, yeah. I've seen it. Yeah. I've seen 1.00

00:34:55.480 like... Oh, yeah. I've heard about it. Yeah. So, if I was transported back into that

00:34:59.360 time, and they said, hey, this is how we do it, you have to do it, I would be like,

00:35:05.740 okay, I'm not going to do that. And I think it would be fucking so many years before I 0.88

00:35:10.560 cracked. I think for you, it would be eight days. Really? Yeah. You think I'd be quick? 0.99

00:35:15.120 I think you'd be like, I don't know. And they'd be like, this is what we do. And you'd be

00:35:19.540 like, no. And a week would go by, and you'd be like, I guess I got to fit in. And eight

00:35:26.360 or nine days, you'd be like, this is how they do the manhood thing. And what do I

00:35:30.620 do after that? You feel real bad. But like in the coming weeks and months and years, what

00:35:35.160 happens to me? Well, you probably, I mean, you know, you probably just become Grecian 0.99

00:35:40.820 and you're fucking that guy. I don't do that. Hmm. Yeah. That makes me sad. Yeah, I would 0.99

00:35:49.380 hate that, dude. I'd hate to be fucking some guy from a long time ago. Yeah. Yeah, I would 0.99

00:35:55.060 imagine that. Like it's hard enough probably banging some guy you don't even want to fuck 1.00

00:35:59.020 these days, you know? But imagine a thousand years ago banging some dude when people are 0.99

00:36:05.100 like, hey, you know, people think it's magic. People don't know what it is. Yeah. And I'll

00:36:08.940 also tell you that they were not clean. They were so dirty. They were just outside a lot

00:36:13.900 more, you know? All the hair on them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Different times, dude. No. Bro, don't

00:36:20.620 make that sound. That's one of the worst sounds people make. My freaking grandfather used

00:36:24.180 always make. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You think when you're old you give a 0.99

00:36:28.440 fuck anymore? You don't, you're fucking nothing, nothing gets you fired up anymore, you think 1.00

00:36:33.560 when you're older? I think, yeah. And I can't wait for that. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Are you 1.00

00:36:38.560 tired? I can't wait for that, dude. I already feel like I don't want to do so much shit.

00:36:44.980 Like there's like three things I like doing, you know? And sometimes jerking off and coming 0.99

00:36:49.960 is one of them. So don't take that from me. Don't try to, yeah, don't try to, don't try 0.99

00:36:53.040 to like be like, I feel bad. Yeah, you're right. I wish I didn't, man. I wish it was

00:36:56.500 awesome. Like I just got up in the morning. I was like, I'm going to fucking jerk off real

00:36:59.480 quick and then enjoy the rest of my experience today. It's just not how it works for me. 0.99

00:37:03.660 Well, let me ask you a question. Do you, and I don't even really like talking about this,

00:37:05.760 but do you, do you take your time doing it or do you just do it to get it done?

00:37:10.220 I usually, I can get it done in less than a minute. I don't ever take more than two minutes.

00:37:13.580 Wow. That might be one of your problems.

00:37:16.540 You think so? Take yourself out on the date, bro.

00:37:18.520 Yeah. Yeah. You know, like go out to dinner.

00:37:20.880 Oh, that's not a bad idea. Do something nice. You know what I mean? Go to like fucking

00:37:24.040 Pizza Cucina or some nice shit. I don't even know if that's a place, but like some place 0.99

00:37:27.400 that would sound like that and go. Go to like a Hardee's that has an upstairs. 0.73

00:37:30.180 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A hundred percent. Be like, yeah. Were they, you're like,

00:37:33.660 are you guys seating up there? And they'd be like, nah, nah. I'm like, I'm on a nice date.

00:37:37.200 And they'd be like, all right, we got one seat up there. 0.99

00:37:40.620 You just sit there, you drink some wine or whatever the fuck you don't drink, but like you get 0.99

00:37:44.120 some club soda and you just fucking, you have a conversation with yourself, you know? 1.00

00:37:47.920 Like not out loud, but in your head. And then you go home and you fucking think and like, 0.99

00:37:52.100 you know, that was nice. Yeah. And if there was somebody there, you would be like, that 0.99

00:37:55.920 was very nice, wasn't it? And they'd be like, yeah, it was nice. Yeah. Have a good time, dude.

00:37:59.560 Shake hands with who the fuck you are, bro. And then go home, turn on some Netflix, maybe 1.00

00:38:03.240 watch fucking Always Be My Maybe. And then afterwards or in the middle, you know what I mean? 0.97

00:38:08.120 Because you know, when you're watching a Netflix with a girl. Do you pause it or do you keep 0.99

00:38:10.760 going? No, you keep it going. Oh, wow. Yeah, you do. Pause it. No, you don't though. Think about, think about

00:38:14.660 if you're with a chick. You don't pause it. I pause it to let her know. You pause it? That's a boss 1.00

00:38:18.760 move. Wow. You're an alpha. Am I? Bro, think about that shit. You're watching a movie with a chick, 0.99

00:38:24.980 you're watching, you just go boop. Yeah. That's amazing, bro. I don't pause it. You know why? I'm

00:38:31.100 too scared. Really? Yeah, bro. You keep it going. You go like, well, you know? You gotta pause it,

00:38:39.080 man. You already watched 11 fucking 12 minutes of it. I know, because you want to keep it. See, 0.99

00:38:43.120 that's actually a good move because then it's like, you're like, I'm pausing this because I

00:38:46.440 want to kiss you, but just so you know, I want to get back to this movie afterwards. You're not that

00:38:50.100 important for me to miss this movie. Yeah, who knows? But you know, what I've thought, what I've

00:38:54.140 been working on a lot lately is a lot like that is when I'm staring at somebody and then they look at 0.98

00:39:00.020 me, you know, the instinct is to look away, but that's a bitch move. You gotta keep staring at them. 1.00

00:39:07.420 If you're staring at them and they catch you, you're like, this is what I was doing and I'm not

00:39:12.200 stopping because you chose to live your life. That is something you gotta do. I've been working

00:39:17.260 on that. It's very hard for some reason. Isn't that weird? Yeah, it's very hard because it's

00:39:21.860 extremely unnatural. I know, it's very unnatural. But I think that we can switch that. I think that

00:39:28.300 we can change that. I think we can change that. Because here's the thing, I want my kids to

00:39:32.560 fucking do that. Right. So I have to work on it for myself. And this way, when they're growing up 0.99

00:39:36.980 and they see me doing that, they're going to be in the front yard just looking at the 1.00

00:39:42.060 fucking neighbors. Yeah, I can't wait. I actually can't wait. The neighbors out there picking up 1.00

00:39:47.020 dog shit and looks over at them. They don't look away. Like a fucking serial killer. What 0.99

00:39:53.120 the fuck is wrong with those kids? And then I call them and they go, hello? And I say, 0.99

00:39:58.780 nothing. Click. Because nothing's wrong with them. This is how I designed my kids. Bro, if I could

00:40:04.000 build kids, that would be amazing. Build my kids? Yeah. Do you know how you can

00:40:07.980 like customize Nike? If they had kid ID or whatever the fuck? Yeah. I would do that 0.99

00:40:11.880 shit on a website. Click, click. I want his arms a little shorter, his legs a little 1.00

00:40:14.900 longer. Camouflage elbows. What else would you do? Yeah. I would make him look, you know

00:40:21.200 what I would do? I would make him, whatever it is, I would make him look real bad in like

00:40:27.760 any kind of like stupid shit outfit. I would make sure he has the body only to wear 1.00

00:40:31.740 normal fucking clothes. Because I don't want him getting fucking artsy. Right. 1.00

00:40:36.460 You know what I mean? Right. I don't want him being like, like I saw a guy the

00:40:39.800 other day in a skirt, but not because he identified as a woman or was gay, just

00:40:43.320 because he thought it was cool. Oh yeah. My son's not doing that shit. That's a

00:40:45.980 Jane Smith shit. If you identify as a girl, fine. That's fine. Wear the skirt. If 1.00

00:40:49.200 you're gay, wear the skirt, but don't be the guy that's like, this looks good on me 1.00

00:40:52.840 and I fuck chicks. Yeah. Nah. Yeah. Jane Smith dresses like a Scottish man, like an 1.00

00:40:57.660 old Scottish man. Yeah. Dang. I wish you could smell 1.00

00:41:01.720 my breath right now. Did I say my breasts? Nope. I'm saying breath because I got

00:41:07.600 that meat on my grill type of smell. If you sniff my teeth, you'll smell meat

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00:42:56.440 type P-A-S-T in the search bar to get the Father's Day steak fix package today.

00:43:05.100 It's a lot of meat, huh? This past weekend is brought to you by Skillshare. Sometimes you think

00:43:12.160 you know a skill and then you get out in the world and you don't. Sometimes people say, oh,

00:43:16.940 you could do cement and you get out there by the mixer and you got the rake and the shovel and then 0.98

00:43:21.300 you ain't doing shit, you know. But things can change and Skillshare is here to help. Skillshare,

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00:43:51.580 I'm on there right now on Skillshare trying to find ways that I can more fine tune things that I do on

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00:44:33.800 Skillshare.com slash Theo Vaughn. Again, go to Skillshare.com slash Theo Vaughn to get your two

00:44:42.360 months started now. Skillshare.com slash Theo Vaughn. And thank you so much for supporting this past

00:44:49.400 weekend. Yeah, I could see, also I could see what would be cool if your kids were immediately the

00:44:57.260 same height as you, like once they hit like nine years old or 11. That would probably be an advanced

00:45:01.680 package you'd have to buy. Yeah. Yeah. But can you imagine new to some 11 year old, same height?

00:45:06.140 You know what I would do? Weaker neck and arms though? Fucking calf power. I'd have my kid

00:45:10.240 have a calf power because I don't have calf power. Like 20%, you'd have like maximum 20 on calves?

00:45:14.040 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck man. Damn, look at the calves on that guy. Brown eyes, not blue eyes. No way. 1.00

00:45:19.800 Have you ever met a guy with blue eyes? Do you have blue eyes? No, I don't have blue eyes, dude. Look at me.

00:45:23.920 I'm five feet away from you. You got like brown eyes? Green eyes, yeah. Green eyes, yeah. I would

00:45:27.380 never trust a guy with blue eyes. Just hands down. You know, it's just weird to me. Nick has him.

00:45:31.060 But it's not. I'll tell you what, Nick. But I'll tell you what, Nick. That's not sexy to have blue

00:45:35.440 eyes as a guy. Yeah. Yeah. You don't think so? Also blonde hair, you're pushing it. He's pushing it.

00:45:41.040 He dies. Yeah, you don't have blonde hair as a guy. A guy with blonde hair, no. A guy with blonde hair,

00:45:44.440 blue eyes, no way. Yeah. Because here's the thing. You got to look good in a fucking black leather jacket

00:45:50.340 as a dude. And if you have blonde hair, you don't. You got to wear a brown leather jacket. 1.00

00:45:54.640 Ooh, brown leather jacket is something my mom wears. But it's okay to wear a brown leather

00:45:58.640 jacket sometimes. But if you're a blonde guy, you got to wear it all the time. And that's 0.92

00:46:01.660 not okay. I don't know. Well, I do. And that's how it is. Yeah. Okay, wow. Oh, I didn't realize.

00:46:07.960 I'm glad somebody had an insight. Bro, I spent my time thinking about this shit. Yeah, that's 1.00

00:46:11.100 crazy, man. So do you have, do you, do you, where do your, do you think ideas just come

00:46:15.360 into your head? Or where are they? Yeah, I don't know. Well, how do you think a shit? Are you all just like thinking

00:46:19.560 of something? Yeah. Like you see something, you're like, oh, I'm gonna think about this. Yeah.

00:46:23.380 I think about it all the time. I don't think about the shit that matters. Yeah, you don't. 1.00

00:46:27.340 Not funny. I fucking just worry about the shit that matters. Yeah, but you also have that fucking 0.99

00:46:31.000 thing where it's like, I wonder what Bobby looked like with different lips. Yeah. Like you would think 0.99

00:46:34.780 about that. Yeah, I just want, I mean, I think about Bobby a lot, dude, because I worry that he's

00:46:39.720 just not living up to his full potential. Right. So you think about that, which is very nice. But also you might

00:46:44.620 think, you know. What it's like inside of his girl. Oh, no. But you make up shit. You make,

00:46:51.200 don't you make up situations in your head? I do it all day long. No, you do this. All day long. I think

00:46:56.260 I used to be able to do it more. And I don't know what happened to me as I got older. I got more

00:46:59.660 worried about shit. I mean, that's what my podcast is. It's like, what if this happened and then that 1.00

00:47:03.140 happened? And then for some reason, people listen to it. Yeah, you're good at that, man. You're good

00:47:06.780 at being like, oh, what? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And then like taking us into like

00:47:13.920 an alternate universe. But it's good. I think it's what makes you a good actor. It's like

00:47:16.920 you have an interest in taking people into an alternate universe. You know, it's I think

00:47:21.420 it's one of the things that maybe make you want to be a fighter, like a superhero or, you

00:47:26.960 know, in that universe is because you want to be in these alternate universes. You want to

00:47:31.300 be able to shoot a laser out of your fucking neck bone, you know, like you want to be able 1.00

00:47:35.100 to lift it up into a fucking galaxy ship, you know? Yeah. I think these are things 1.00

00:47:39.660 that, you know, that seem realistic on you because you kind of live them out in your

00:47:47.620 everyday. Even some of your old images I remember on your website, you're on a fucking, you're 0.99

00:47:52.160 shooting a fucking water gun on top of a fucking whale's back or something. I'm like, where 0.99

00:47:56.440 is this motherfucker, dude? He must be, you know, by the airport or something. You can't 1.00

00:48:00.700 check yourself, though, you know? That's the thing. You're good at that, but you also

00:48:04.240 do, you check yourself sometimes. Yeah, I think I check myself often. Yeah, but

00:48:07.360 you're, you're, you, but you also don't, you, but you also is what makes you so fucking 0.99

00:48:10.900 funny is like you have your own language and shit. Like we actually kind of both have 0.94

00:48:13.980 that, like, you know what I mean? Like I hear people doing your terms and shit, but 0.87

00:48:16.420 like you, you, you like you're, you have a style where like you're so you and that's 0.97

00:48:24.340 because you let yourself be that way. Yeah. That's when you're best, I think. Yeah. I

00:48:27.840 think that's what most people think about you, you know? And then like you go off

00:48:31.200 and you worry about stuff after that. Yeah, that's what I do immediately when I

00:48:34.320 get on. Yeah, you don't have to do that. First, I see if Neil Brennan has any advice

00:48:37.060 for me and then I just go worry about myself. And he does. And he does, yeah. He usually

00:48:41.060 has a couple of fucking free insights. What about this, though, dude? Do you think that, 0.98

00:48:46.140 do you find, I find sometimes I have trouble telling a story that I've told

00:48:52.040 before after a while on the road and making it feel genuine to myself?

00:48:56.880 Yeah. Interesting. Well, you're like a storyteller pretty much. Right. Right?

00:49:00.000 Yes. Yeah. I think so, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I like telling stories. Yeah, no, I mean,

00:49:03.280 you're fucking, it's your, you should. Right. You kind of are, though. Yeah, kind of. 1.00

00:49:08.060 Yeah, kind of. Yeah, sometimes it's weird. Like, I'll do a bit like five times and it'll

00:49:18.100 crush and then it'll drop off after like five times. And then I'll get it back for a while.

00:49:24.660 And then like after like seven months, I think that's what you're talking about. Like, I'll

00:49:29.680 just be like, I'm just doing this. I'm just saying this.

00:49:32.360 Yes, that's what it starts to be. And I can't find my way out of that. It's like every time

00:49:36.220 I'm like, okay, I'm going to make it fresh this time. I'm going to make it new. And I'll

00:49:38.540 try to, but it just doesn't. But a newer bit always does better.

00:49:43.040 I know. I know. I know. And it's kind of sucks too, because like a bit is so much better.

00:49:49.800 Like, do you ever do like the other day I did some shit that I've been doing. Then I did 0.98

00:49:54.940 a new bit and it worked and it was good. It wasn't amazing, but it was good. And then I

00:50:01.420 went into my old shit, like that I, again, like from that I've been working on. And it was just 1.00

00:50:07.280 like, oh, that's how a bit works. It was like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And I was

00:50:11.640 like, fuck, I got to get that new bit to that. 0.99

00:50:13.360 Right. 1.00

00:50:13.580 But the new bit is the shit, the laughs that you're getting from the new bit is the shit 0.99

00:50:18.860 that where they're like, they are laughing because they feel you excited about it, you know? 1.00

00:50:24.860 Yeah. Oh, maybe that's what it is. And they can understand your excitement.

00:50:27.660 Yeah. So I always like think about like, like I'll, I laugh a lot on stage and people are

00:50:38.020 like, are you laughing? Is that real? And the truth is I'm laughing not at what I'm saying.

00:50:44.800 I'm laughing at the fact that I can't believe I get to do this for a job and it's so fun.

00:50:50.240 And I'm like looking at you guys and like, you think this is funny? Like I'm already there

00:50:54.940 right now. Like I'm like, this is fucking awesome. And that's why I'm laughing. Like 0.97

00:50:59.520 I can't believe you let me do this as a job. And these jokes that I thought of, a lot of

00:51:04.440 them I thought of on stage. So I laughed when I was saying them. So I just keep that vibe,

00:51:08.900 you know?

00:51:09.140 Yeah.

00:51:09.520 It's not like I'm laughing. I know I've said this shit before, you know? 0.99

00:51:12.660 Right. 0.99

00:51:13.000 But it's a genuine laugh, you know?

00:51:14.360 Yeah. It's fun to see. It's fun to know that people are going to enjoy stuff.

00:51:17.160 Yeah. Yeah.

00:51:18.560 Knowing that they're going to about to enjoy it or that they are having a good time. It's

00:51:21.880 like, yeah, it's fun.

00:51:24.240 Yeah. I feel like as an audience member, like you see the spark in the comedian and they're

00:51:27.840 enjoying it and you have that smile.

00:51:29.460 Yeah.

00:51:29.920 And I think that's what really is like, they're so like in touch with this. And then after a

00:51:34.620 while, like obviously you're doing the same joke. It's like, you're not as excited telling

00:51:37.940 the story. So the crowd isn't excited here.

00:51:40.200 Yeah. I mean, it's definitely like an energy thing, right?

00:51:43.600 Yeah. Yeah. It must be. And it must be. Yeah. That's why sometimes it's not like I want to

00:51:47.680 tell them the story because they've never heard it, but I just, it doesn't land as great

00:51:51.860 as it once did.

00:51:53.100 But you know what though? Sometimes it does and you just don't think it does, you know?

00:51:56.620 Like you ever have those sets where you're like, oh, they didn't like me. And then they

00:51:59.540 come out, like if there's a meet and greet and they're like, dude, that's the funniest

00:52:02.300 thing I've ever seen.

00:52:02.980 Yeah.

00:52:03.260 Like in Minnesota?

00:52:04.580 Yeah.

00:52:04.960 Yeah.

00:52:05.360 You're like, you didn't seem like it.

00:52:07.200 Yeah.

00:52:07.540 All right.

00:52:08.580 Yeah. I guess that's true. And I guess maybe if you hear the same, if you hear a song

00:52:11.340 enough, if you know the cadences of their laughter at certain points, you hear a song,

00:52:15.200 it's just like hearing a song enough where you're like, oh, the song is still good, but it's

00:52:18.200 not the same as this new song that I'm playing when I tell these new jokes and I get different

00:52:23.040 laughs on them. 0.98

00:52:23.580 Like remember the first time you heard fucking, hot in, it's so hot in here. You were like, 0.99

00:52:28.680 oh, what?

00:52:29.580 Yeah. 1.00

00:52:30.300 That fucking Nelly song? 1.00

00:52:31.980 Yeah, so good. 1.00

00:52:32.980 But now you'd be like, okay, well maybe now you'd be like, oh, I remember that. But like

00:52:36.920 after like, here's the thing, dude. Songs like four years later, you're like, get this

00:52:44.280 shit off. But songs like eight years later, you're like, oh, this shit rocked. 1.00

00:52:49.720 Yeah, we did this. 0.98

00:52:50.380 You got to get back to that point in your act, you know? Or at least for me, that's what

00:52:54.680 I think. Like I'll do the song, I'll do the joke, it's banging because it's a hit, it's

00:52:59.740 a new song that just came out. And then it drops off because it's like, you're in the

00:53:04.080 three year thing where you're like, oh, this is like an old song.

00:53:06.600 Yeah.

00:53:06.920 And then, it's like when I was young, when I was 15 and 16, I started to get embarrassed

00:53:12.860 hanging out with my dad because that's like the age you get embarrassed hanging out with 0.99

00:53:15.440 your parents. And my dad said, we used to hang out, what the fuck? And I said to him, yeah, 1.00

00:53:20.800 but it only lasts for like a few years. When I'm 19 or 20 after high school again, it'll

00:53:24.620 be cool to hang out with you again. He was like, really? And I was like, yep. And it's

00:53:28.000 true.

00:53:28.460 Wow.

00:53:29.060 It's that thing you got to get back to being a 19-year-old again where it's cool hanging out

00:53:32.520 with your dad.

00:53:33.500 But you knew that in advance and told you that?

00:53:35.740 Yeah, yeah. My dad always brings it up. He was like, dude, how did you know that in

00:53:38.280 advance? And I was like, I don't know. I think I just saw people doing it.

00:53:40.940 Do you know all of it? Like all the beats of the life? And then it's just like you are-

00:53:44.920 I think so.

00:53:45.860 So how are you enjoying it then if you already know it all, if you like know that how it's

00:53:49.560 all going to kind of break down and when to do what?

00:53:51.900 Yeah, but it's like because the anticipation is what the most fun, which is the fun. It's

00:53:58.560 like when you're like, let's go to Vegas. And you're in Vegas. It's usually not as fun

00:54:02.880 as the whole fucking let's go to Vegas thing. 0.98

00:54:04.600 Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.99

00:54:05.540 On the way there, the on the way there is the best part because you're thinking about 1.00

00:54:08.260 fuck yeah. 0.99

00:54:09.200 Let's do it. 1.00

00:54:09.880 Yeah.

00:54:10.540 Do you think you could be ever fall victim to a surprise party or not?

00:54:15.440 I have.

00:54:16.160 You have?

00:54:16.640 Yeah.

00:54:17.420 Wow. 1.00

00:54:17.940 Yeah, it was bullshit. 1.00

00:54:19.080 Was it? 1.00

00:54:19.780 No, it was great, but it was bullshit that they got me. 0.99

00:54:21.900 Really? 0.99

00:54:22.360 Yeah.

00:54:22.780 Yeah, because you seem like the kind of guy who would not let people get them on a surprise

00:54:26.520 party. It's your fucking birthday. 1.00

00:54:28.200 Say, you know, I mean, it's... 1.00

00:54:29.200 She got me. 0.99

00:54:30.160 It was fucking... 0.99

00:54:31.920 2000... 1.00

00:54:34.120 It was 2007?

00:54:36.800 Wow.

00:54:37.160 Six? 1.00

00:54:38.140 She fucking got me, man. 1.00

00:54:39.360 Was it a restaurant? 1.00

00:54:40.820 It was at a bar.

00:54:41.600 It was a bar restaurant, yeah.

00:54:42.760 Wow.

00:54:43.140 I don't think a place exists anymore.

00:54:44.740 I think after that night, they shut down. 1.00

00:54:46.140 Damn. 1.00

00:54:46.460 I'm like, damn, we gotta stop this. 1.00

00:54:48.160 I can't believe they got me. 0.99

00:54:49.340 Yeah.

00:54:49.780 I don't think that I would be able to get caught now.

00:54:51.340 Really?

00:54:51.900 Yeah.

00:54:52.300 I don't think so, bro.

00:54:53.040 Yeah, you seem way too...

00:54:55.180 Like, you seem like the kind of guy who, like, as somebody's walking into a restaurant,

00:54:59.160 we'd be like, hey, it's...

00:55:00.580 Just know it's a surprise party.

00:55:02.260 Yeah.

00:55:02.560 When you get in there, don't let them... 0.92

00:55:04.500 Yeah.

00:55:05.080 I would be like...

00:55:07.020 Even now, like, my birthday's in March, but when somebody's like, you want to hang out 0.97

00:55:10.340 and it's September, I'm like, better not be a fucking surprise. 0.96

00:55:13.000 Not for my birthday. 0.99

00:55:14.260 Yeah.

00:55:14.440 Yeah.

00:55:15.400 Yeah.

00:55:16.460 We got some questions that came in for Chris D'Elia.

00:55:20.020 Let's see them.

00:55:20.740 When's your new film coming out, Chris?

00:55:22.300 I don't know.

00:55:22.900 I think in the fall, but I'm not sure.

00:55:24.200 Are you excited about it?

00:55:25.160 Are you nervous about it?

00:55:26.080 Nah.

00:55:27.040 Yeah, whatever.

00:55:27.880 It's fine, you know?

00:55:28.900 But it went well?

00:55:29.980 Yeah.

00:55:30.660 Yeah, I'm good.

00:55:31.160 I'm happy.

00:55:32.560 Like, you know, honestly, whatever.

00:55:35.140 Nothing matters anyway.

00:55:36.520 Yeah.

00:55:37.020 For real.

00:55:37.600 Like, you know, it's like...

00:55:38.260 Oh, yeah.

00:55:38.700 I wish that.

00:55:39.080 People are like...

00:55:39.840 Nah, it's true, though.

00:55:41.020 You know how...

00:55:42.880 It's like, people are like, ah, is it okay if I do this... 0.99

00:55:46.400 ...fucking spot for Comedy Central or is it okay if I do this movie? 0.99

00:55:48.960 It doesn't matter, dude. 0.99

00:55:50.060 Yeah.

00:55:50.480 It doesn't matter.

00:55:51.940 Yeah. 1.00

00:55:52.260 Unless it's like a fucking... 1.00

00:55:54.380 Murder. 1.00

00:55:55.100 Yeah, or like Captain America.

00:55:56.760 Yeah.

00:55:57.720 If you had to fight for a country, would it be America?

00:56:01.420 Like, as a superhero, or would it be...

00:56:04.220 I think I would be like, you know, I don't think I would pick a country.

00:56:11.600 I think I would just be like, look, we've got to be in this all together, you know?

00:56:15.720 This is for the better of mankind, you know?

00:56:19.600 Do you think you could save the world?

00:56:21.920 Like, from what, though?

00:56:24.880 I don't know.

00:56:25.880 Probably not.

00:56:27.560 But... 1.00

00:56:27.840 Damn. 1.00

00:56:28.300 But you would try, wouldn't you? 1.00

00:56:30.280 Yeah.

00:56:30.820 I would try.

00:56:31.480 Yeah.

00:56:31.740 I would try.

00:56:32.300 Yeah, I would try.

00:56:32.920 But like, I wouldn't...

00:56:33.720 I love this.

00:56:34.440 This is the character I already love, this character, whoever this guy is, whoever this

00:56:37.920 superhero is.

00:56:38.600 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:56:39.940 Doctor Maybe.

00:56:40.720 I would try, yeah.

00:56:41.360 I would try, but like, it would be tough, I'm not going to lie. 0.98

00:56:51.560 That should be the pitch tape or whatever the fucking film is going to be. 0.98

00:56:55.320 Look, I'm just telling you guys the truth. 0.99

00:56:57.580 Yeah.

00:56:58.080 It's going to be tough.

00:56:59.060 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.99

00:56:59.680 Look, I know we got this sidekick over here, fucking Waterman or whatever your name is. 0.99

00:57:04.180 Yeah. 0.99

00:57:04.500 I don't know, guy.

00:57:05.660 Yeah.

00:57:05.860 It's just going to be acting.

00:57:07.140 What are we up against?

00:57:07.960 And then they show me and I'm like, I'm not going to lie, dude.

00:57:10.380 Dude, it's going to be tough.

00:57:12.660 And I don't know if I can do it, but I'll do it.

00:57:15.240 I'll try.

00:57:16.220 Realism. 1.00

00:57:16.640 That's your fucking... 1.00

00:57:17.360 Yeah. 1.00

00:57:17.460 That's your superhero name.

00:57:19.260 Yeah.

00:57:20.720 Realism.

00:57:21.200 I'm going to need a bunch of rocks and a bunch of guns.

00:57:23.280 Yeah, yeah.

00:57:24.100 And you're going to need to get a divorce, you tell one of your guys. 0.90

00:57:27.560 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:57:28.180 And here's the other thing, too.

00:57:29.240 The rocks can't be too heavy.

00:57:30.320 They have to be carryable.

00:57:32.820 So that's where we're at, guys.

00:57:37.380 Let's hit a question here.

00:57:38.620 What do we have, Nick?

00:57:39.440 You want to turn up one again because it's going to come out of those headphones?

00:57:42.560 Okay, perfect.

00:57:48.060 You need headphones on or no?

00:57:49.600 Mm-mm.

00:57:50.020 I think we can hear them.

00:57:51.260 What up, Theo?

00:57:52.120 What up, Chris?

00:57:53.280 It's Brian from Ohio.

00:57:54.980 Akron, Ohio.

00:57:55.900 What's up?

00:57:56.740 Had a quick question.

00:57:57.820 Was just curious as to how you guys met each other.

00:58:00.200 Yes.

00:58:00.560 And what were the first impressions?

00:58:02.080 Did you guys like each other?

00:58:03.280 Did you not?

00:58:04.020 You know?

00:58:05.000 Let me know.

00:58:05.560 Gang, gang.

00:58:06.940 Okay.

00:58:07.420 Blue-eyed, first of all, that guy.

00:58:08.840 Yeah, you can't try.

00:58:09.480 I mean, I might as well have a brown leather jacket on.

00:58:12.600 Crossing guard as well.

00:58:13.460 Is he a crossing guard?

00:58:14.160 I think so. 1.00

00:58:14.400 What the fuck was that thing? 0.99

00:58:15.560 I mean, that's... 0.99

00:58:16.860 Hopefully he was.

00:58:17.900 Yeah, I hope you're a crossing guard, bro.

00:58:19.160 He looks like he's in golf clothes.

00:58:20.760 Oh, man.

00:58:21.400 Oh, yeah.

00:58:21.920 Oh, yeah.

00:58:22.460 For sure.

00:58:23.080 Look at him.

00:58:23.800 That guy could be standing naked and you'd be like, oh, you love golf.

00:58:26.740 Yeah, that's true. 0.99

00:58:27.560 But he also looks like he either is a crossing guard, he's valedictorian at fucking a footlocker 0.96

00:58:32.900 because that's some very neon green sash he's got in. 0.97

00:58:35.800 Yeah.

00:58:36.960 We know one thing that he for sure is.

00:58:40.580 What?

00:58:41.280 One, two, three.

00:58:42.820 A Republican.

00:58:43.600 Yeah.

00:58:43.800 I thought you were going to say it as well.

00:58:45.480 Okay, yeah.

00:58:45.980 Two-term Trump, he's saying.

00:58:47.540 Yeah.

00:58:47.720 He has a lot of tatted on his back.

00:58:48.600 And that's okay.

00:58:49.280 You know, you do what you got to do.

00:58:50.520 Everybody makes their own choices.

00:58:51.820 Get in the booth and vote.

00:58:53.000 Yeah.

00:58:53.180 So, the question, yeah.

00:58:57.040 I know when I met you.

00:58:58.020 Really?

00:58:58.460 Yep.

00:58:59.720 It's hard to remember when you met someone. 0.99

00:59:00.720 See, I hate this because if you don't remember, then the other person can fucking trump you 0.98

00:59:04.220 and just believe what they say. 0.98

00:59:06.100 But there's no reason why you'd remember when we've had our first conversation.

00:59:09.760 There's zero reason why you'd remember.

00:59:11.180 And I know this.

00:59:12.780 Okay.

00:59:14.680 And you don't even know when it was.

00:59:16.100 And it wasn't.

00:59:16.760 And both of us were not doing stand-up yet.

00:59:19.420 Really?

00:59:19.780 Yep.

00:59:20.100 And I've told you this and you forgot it because of the same reason why when I told you this

00:59:25.180 was the same reason why when we met.

00:59:26.860 It was because you were high both times.

00:59:28.260 Really?

00:59:28.620 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:59:29.160 That's awesome.

00:59:29.980 We were in Saddle Ranch.

00:59:34.040 No.

00:59:34.460 Yep.

00:59:34.660 What were you doing there?

00:59:36.160 You know what?

00:59:37.120 I don't know.

00:59:38.020 Okay.

00:59:38.680 Yeah.

00:59:39.460 Me neither.

00:59:40.340 Yeah.

00:59:41.260 So, you, people were riding the bull and you were kind of like, you were with some people

00:59:48.420 that had to do with some kind of production.

00:59:49.920 I think it was that.

00:59:50.820 But you, I was not in line for the bull because I would not ever ride the bull.

00:59:54.800 Right.

00:59:55.060 But we were around that area.

00:59:56.720 And I was like, huh.

00:59:58.240 And I looked at you and I was like, crazy, huh?

01:00:00.860 Or something.

01:00:01.740 I don't know what I said.

01:00:02.800 But you said, man, a lot of chicks out there. 1.00

01:00:07.660 Really?

01:00:09.520 Out where?

01:00:10.480 In a world?

01:00:11.120 In the bull. 1.00

01:00:12.140 Oh, damn. 1.00

01:00:13.380 Yeah. 1.00

01:00:14.420 You say, all these girls, huh? 1.00

01:00:15.700 Something like that. 1.00

01:00:16.600 Damn. 1.00

01:00:17.100 Yeah. 1.00

01:00:17.420 And you were so faded. 1.00

01:00:19.060 Oh, damn. 1.00

01:00:19.720 Yeah. 1.00

01:00:20.100 Yeah.

01:00:20.240 Like on pills or something. 1.00

01:00:21.440 No, fuck you, dude. 1.00

01:00:22.520 Bro, you were on pills. 1.00

01:00:23.620 This isn't a real thing to happen, dude.

01:00:24.960 You were something, dude.

01:00:25.960 It was Saddle Ranch, bro.

01:00:27.020 I remember.

01:00:27.720 You had a hat on, dude.

01:00:28.480 I remember.

01:00:29.840 Dude, I remember when I met you then.

01:00:31.880 No, I didn't make it up.

01:00:33.740 You can't say then after that.

01:00:35.920 That's a real story.

01:00:37.260 I do remember.

01:00:38.140 All right.

01:00:38.880 I remember when I met you.

01:00:40.040 So I remember I was playing in like a young athletic men's basketball league, right?

01:00:46.140 Already this is wrong.

01:00:47.480 No.

01:00:48.220 Didn't you used to live near Olympic?

01:00:50.900 This was off of Olympic Boulevard.

01:00:52.620 No.

01:00:53.040 Or it was.

01:00:53.660 It couldn't.

01:00:54.060 It might have been not.

01:00:54.680 It might have been off somewhere else.

01:00:55.880 Okay.

01:00:55.960 Off of Wilshire or Santa Monica Boulevard.

01:00:58.980 And it was like a league I was in.

01:01:04.140 It was like a championship game or whatever.

01:01:06.560 My team was.

01:01:07.540 Our team was called Hot to Trot, right?

01:01:09.420 That was our team.

01:01:10.240 Okay.

01:01:10.820 So anyway.

01:01:11.540 Funny is coming back to me now.

01:01:12.740 Yeah.

01:01:13.480 So anyway, it's like the end of the game.

01:01:16.160 I drive, get fouled, score, right?

01:01:18.960 It's an obvious and one.

01:01:21.540 I'm going to go to the line.

01:01:24.140 And the ref, bro.

01:01:25.620 Okay. 1.00

01:01:26.000 First of all, the fucking ref, dude. 1.00

01:01:29.600 All legs, right? 1.00

01:01:30.700 This is probably about 10 years ago when you were a little bit younger.

01:01:33.300 All legs, dude.

01:01:34.460 Barely.

01:01:35.020 It was like legs and like long hair.

01:01:36.680 And you couldn't really know much else about them.

01:01:39.420 And he's like, no foul.

01:01:44.140 That's what he said.

01:01:44.820 Blew his whistle and comes over and goes, no foul.

01:01:47.440 And it was you.

01:01:49.260 And he was on pills.

01:01:51.180 I don't know if he was on pills, but he definitely, he didn't know anything about refereeing.

01:01:54.540 I don't even know if he was an actual referee, but I just remember him. 0.98

01:01:57.280 He fucking ruined it. 0.99

01:01:58.940 Wow. 1.00

01:01:59.220 And I just remember, man, who the fuck is that guy? 0.99

01:02:02.180 Not even paying attention. 0.99

01:02:03.120 I don't, I'll tell you what. 0.99

01:02:04.720 There's a lot of shit in my life I don't remember. 0.97

01:02:06.000 I don't remember that, but I will tell you this. 0.98

01:02:07.980 I stand by my call if that was me.

01:02:09.860 Yeah. 1.00

01:02:10.260 Oh, damn. 1.00

01:02:11.140 Yeah. 1.00

01:02:11.940 And I honestly think you fucking traveled too, but I'm not even. 1.00

01:02:14.400 Oh, get the fuck out of here. 0.99

01:02:16.540 I do. 0.99

01:02:16.680 I think you probably traveled.

01:02:18.020 Dude, it was for the West District City Championship, bro.

01:02:20.640 And I was like, and I think I remember if, I don't remember this, but if it did happen, 0.78

01:02:25.040 I think I remember thinking, dude, I wonder if you fucking paid for a plane ticket with 0.71

01:02:28.600 that travel. 0.98

01:02:29.120 Oh, dang.

01:02:29.840 Yeah.

01:02:30.540 Yeah.

01:02:31.260 Wow.

01:02:31.960 That guy got his travel from kayak, huh?

01:02:33.980 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:02:34.440 Yeah.

01:02:34.680 I remember the guy saying a really bad joke like that.

01:02:36.720 Boop.

01:02:37.060 Were you on priceline.com? 1.00

01:02:38.700 Or whatever the fuck. 0.99

01:02:39.700 And you go, what? 1.00

01:02:40.660 And I saw on your face in the middle of the what, you got the joke.

01:02:44.160 Yeah.

01:02:44.760 Oh, yeah.

01:02:45.340 That's the worst.

01:02:46.180 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:02:48.460 But yeah, I definitely remember that, man.

01:02:50.340 And so-

01:02:51.340 Do you remember a meeting?

01:02:52.360 I don't remember the first time we met comedy-wise, though, stand-up, besides outside of the

01:02:56.520 Saddle Rancher, the basketball rec league.

01:02:59.180 Yeah, I don't remember.

01:03:01.140 I mean, I remember one night there was some girl that got mad at you on the front porch

01:03:05.520 of the comedy store.

01:03:06.100 Do you remember this?

01:03:06.720 Yep. 1.00

01:03:07.200 And I remember she was just being like a real bitch. 1.00

01:03:12.460 And I remember, I don't remember that. 0.94

01:03:14.720 The only other times that I even, I don't even remember talking to you that much until

01:03:21.220 maybe about like two years ago, you know?

01:03:24.400 I never liked talking to people that were doing well in comedy.

01:03:27.620 Yeah, I know. 1.00

01:03:28.200 You're fucking weird like that, bro. 1.00

01:03:30.000 Well, because I don't like them. 1.00

01:03:31.200 I never want, I don't know.

01:03:32.580 So many people, it seemed like we're like-

01:03:34.940 Yeah, I understand that, but you're so not that guy.

01:03:39.080 Yeah, but if you do that kind of behavior, then I feel like you become that guy.

01:03:42.340 Yeah, but as long as you're aware of that, then you're not going to be that guy.

01:03:44.940 Right.

01:03:45.340 You know? 0.98

01:03:45.720 It's not like you're fucking, you know, it's not like you're like the guy that's like, 0.99

01:03:52.640 oh, this fucking guy's around. 0.99

01:03:54.180 You know those guys that just stand? 1.00

01:03:55.920 Yeah.

01:03:56.620 You're like, what are you doing?

01:03:58.480 Model.

01:03:58.640 And they're just standing?

01:03:59.980 Yeah.

01:04:00.360 But you're like in the parking lot of the comedy store and you're talking and you're like, 0.98

01:04:03.180 what's fucking going on here? 0.95

01:04:05.360 Oh, there's a guy right here. 1.00

01:04:06.500 Oh, yeah.

01:04:07.080 You know those guys?

01:04:08.080 Yeah.

01:04:08.520 You're like, am I in a horror movie? 0.99

01:04:10.320 What the fuck is happening? 1.00

01:04:11.240 You look and there's just a fucking stander. 1.00

01:04:12.620 And you're never a weapon. 1.00

01:04:13.720 Yeah, just a stander. 1.00

01:04:14.740 Bro, if I was ever a stander, dude, fuck, dude, get out of here. 1.00

01:04:18.600 At least loiter, at least pace. 1.00

01:04:20.580 Yeah, 100%. 1.00

01:04:22.120 And if you're just going to stand, say some shit. 1.00

01:04:24.740 Yeah. 1.00

01:04:25.840 Those guys got to go.

01:04:26.920 Go to lunch. 0.99

01:04:27.740 Those guys are fucking out to lunch. 1.00

01:04:31.480 Go to lunch, bro. 1.00

01:04:33.100 Yeah. 0.99

01:04:33.520 This one, I would press one of your buttons right now and fucking use it, dude. 0.99

01:04:36.460 That's right. 0.98

01:04:37.960 Let's get another question that came in.

01:04:40.440 But I don't remember.

01:04:41.240 I do remember being, I felt like intimidated to talk to you, kind of.

01:04:44.600 I would get nervous talking about it because you were always so confident.

01:04:47.460 You always say that, yeah.

01:04:48.680 Yeah.

01:04:49.020 And I was, I remember. 0.98

01:04:50.140 I'd be like, I don't know what I'm going to fucking say. 0.94

01:04:52.480 Like, I'm going to go over there. 0.96

01:04:55.360 Oh, here's a guy.

01:04:55.940 Oh, this is like if me and you had a baby.

01:04:58.040 This guy.

01:04:59.680 Hey, guys.

01:05:00.440 I'm you guys.

01:05:00.880 Austin from Jackson, Mississippi.

01:05:02.620 Of course you are.

01:05:03.280 So excited.

01:05:03.980 You guys are doing a podcast together.

01:05:06.360 Gang, gang.

01:05:07.180 Gang, gang.

01:05:07.380 Cult, cult.

01:05:09.300 Anyways, ask Chris if he's going to continue with the 30-minute stand-up specials or if

01:05:14.680 he's going to go back to the traditional hour.

01:05:16.980 Love to hear y'all's thoughts on that.

01:05:19.680 I like this guy already.

01:05:20.860 Peace player.

01:05:21.460 Nice guy out of Jackson, Mississippi.

01:05:22.820 Nice face.

01:05:23.420 I think I'm drunk over there, over there by Hal and Miles and over there by a Cherokee 1.00

01:05:27.180 bar.

01:05:27.560 I think once you cross the line, you're drunk.

01:05:29.160 Yeah.

01:05:29.580 You get there, you're like, it feels so weird.

01:05:31.520 Oh, yeah.

01:05:31.840 And you see the sign, welcome to Jackson, Mississippi.

01:05:33.720 Oh, my reading goes down the second I even get over there.

01:05:36.480 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:05:37.120 It's interesting.

01:05:39.120 So, yeah.

01:05:41.120 Yeah, what would you do next?

01:05:42.340 Would you do another Netflix?

01:05:43.440 Would you put something out on your own?

01:05:44.860 Would you do?

01:05:45.320 So, I'm doing another special, yeah, for Netflix.

01:05:48.540 Okay.

01:05:48.920 And it'll be an hour.

01:05:49.640 I, I'm shooting it soon, but I, in the next few months.

01:05:53.540 But I, the half hour thing they came to me with and they were like, do you want to do

01:05:58.620 it?

01:05:59.040 And I just thought it was a cool idea because, first of all, I had a half an hour of material

01:06:03.460 that I didn't want to put on my next special.

01:06:05.740 So, I was like, that's perfect for me.

01:06:07.540 And also, like, I'm always, I always want to try the new thing or the different thing.

01:06:11.960 I at least want to try it.

01:06:12.920 Like, I want to, like, like, I, I think, I think a lot of people, so, my two other specials

01:06:22.160 on Netflix, Incorrigible and Man on Fire, Man on Fire is 60 minutes, Incorrigible is

01:06:26.400 an hour and 20 minutes or an hour and 15 minutes, something like that. 0.90

01:06:30.420 I know that, so, my first one on Netflix, Incorrigible, I purposely put the banger shit 1.00

01:06:38.840 at the end because you close with the banger shit, you know what I mean? 1.00

01:06:41.360 But I know people didn't get to that because that's a long time to watch stand-up. 0.99

01:06:45.840 And people watch it before they're going to go out at night or they're just, they, you

01:06:49.500 know, they put it on at night and they fall asleep.

01:06:51.220 It's passive, yeah.

01:06:51.520 You know what I mean?

01:06:51.820 A lot of times people watch passively.

01:06:53.360 Exactly.

01:06:54.140 So, I know because of that, they'll often reference the first half of that Incorrigible

01:07:00.620 act.

01:07:01.060 And I'm like, I know the second half is way funnier.

01:07:05.340 So, they say, oh, I love the part about this.

01:07:07.020 And I'm like, you didn't watch the whole thing.

01:07:08.180 Right.

01:07:08.400 Because the last part is better.

01:07:09.600 No one ever talks about the end stuff.

01:07:11.080 Exactly.

01:07:11.840 So, with Man on Fire, it's a little different because it's a half, it's an hour. 0.99

01:07:15.400 And so, I started thinking, like, I think people are just trying to consume shit. 0.96

01:07:21.080 I think that it's better to click on, I think, oh, it's only a half hour. 0.99

01:07:24.040 I'll watch it.

01:07:24.660 Right.

01:07:24.920 I got time.

01:07:25.860 So, I was like, I really want to do that because I think that'll be a good idea.

01:07:28.720 And I had the material.

01:07:29.700 But, you know, some people were like, I think they thought they were being slick.

01:07:34.760 They were like, oh, dude, so they're not allowing you to do an hour?

01:07:37.880 It's like, you just don't get the business.

01:07:39.460 But, like, yeah, I'm doing my next one.

01:07:41.280 Yeah, Nick Swartzen did a half.

01:07:42.600 I mean, it was a cool group, too.

01:07:43.600 Yeah, it was Neil.

01:07:44.220 It was a neat group.

01:07:45.640 So, yeah, I don't know. 0.97

01:07:47.800 I also thought it would be good for my, like, overseas shit because it's, like, the world thing that they were doing. 0.97

01:07:52.020 Oh, yeah, the community of the world. 0.99

01:07:53.380 Yeah.

01:07:53.860 So, I'm going to do another hour.

01:07:55.340 I have it ready pretty much.

01:07:57.140 I'm cutting and pasting.

01:07:58.260 But, yeah.

01:07:59.680 Wow.

01:08:00.680 Dang.

01:08:00.800 Well, by the way, what about you?

01:08:01.640 What are you doing?

01:08:02.160 You don't know?

01:08:02.680 I don't know.

01:08:03.340 Yeah.

01:08:03.660 Yeah.

01:08:04.120 I mean, I think, yeah, I mean, I'm ready to do one.

01:08:07.660 Oh, yeah, yeah.

01:08:08.420 Definitely.

01:08:08.860 I just don't know what to do.

01:08:10.120 Yeah.

01:08:10.620 Kind of, you know.

01:08:11.180 Well, just play it right, you know.

01:08:13.580 Take your time.

01:08:14.140 Like, you don't, I mean, not take your time, but, like, hold out.

01:08:18.180 You know what I mean? 0.59

01:08:18.760 Like, honestly, dude, even, like, what, like, Andrew Schultz is doing is fucking cool.

01:08:23.780 Like, he's just putting it out as it, you know, every now and then on YouTube.

01:08:28.440 Yeah, kind of like that.

01:08:29.480 The only thing is there's no, like, payday.

01:08:31.340 No money.

01:08:31.940 But you own it still.

01:08:33.840 It's an investment, though.

01:08:34.820 It's like, you know, it's like, you know, you build up the views. 0.91

01:08:39.300 You build up the fan base, which you've already done with your podcast and shit.

01:08:42.360 But, like, you know, and people love your Netflix special.

01:08:44.280 But it's just, like, you know. 0.99

01:08:46.400 Yeah, I mean, my Netflix special was kind of shit. 0.90

01:08:47.960 I'd like to have another one on there that was pretty cool. 0.92

01:08:50.160 I mean, I would even see if maybe.

01:08:51.500 You don't like it?

01:08:52.120 You don't like it?

01:08:52.520 I didn't like the first one. 1.00

01:08:53.360 Yeah, but maybe it's just because it's fucking you. 0.99

01:08:56.400 Yeah, it was just a bad, that weekend of shows was just rough. 1.00

01:08:59.080 Oh, really?

01:08:59.520 It just was not that good of an experience.

01:09:01.860 I mean, I'm grateful for it.

01:09:03.020 It was fun.

01:09:04.440 And it was what it was, you know.

01:09:06.700 It was a learning experience.

01:09:06.900 Well, you never know what kind of crowd or what kind of vibe you're going to get.

01:09:09.040 Yeah.

01:09:09.300 Right.

01:09:09.580 So, that was kind of tricky.

01:09:13.240 Let's take another question or two.

01:09:14.920 All right.

01:09:15.720 Since we like this guy, we got another question from your son.

01:09:20.280 What's up, Theo?

01:09:22.000 It's Austin Eubanks, Jackson, Mississippi.

01:09:25.380 Just getting my oil changed.

01:09:27.620 My question for Daddy is, what's your role going to be at the log cabin?

01:09:33.680 Is Theo at the log cabin?

01:09:35.100 Has he reached elder status?

01:09:36.680 Oh, yeah.

01:09:37.260 Or is he going to be pulling the on duty?

01:09:38.700 I honestly think that's Shia LaBeouf in makeup. 1.00

01:09:41.280 Okay.

01:09:42.180 So, yeah.

01:09:44.580 Everyone's invited.

01:09:45.180 If you want to be a part of that.

01:09:45.900 People are like, what do I do to be a part of the cult?

01:09:47.420 It's like, if you're asking the question, you're already in it.

01:09:48.940 You know what I mean?

01:09:49.320 That's what we say here.

01:09:50.400 So, you took the first step.

01:09:52.600 Thank you very much.

01:09:53.560 That's cool.

01:09:54.500 Yeah.

01:09:55.600 They say, what do I have to do to be in the cult?

01:09:57.500 I say, you're welcome.

01:09:58.520 That's what I say.

01:09:59.200 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:09:59.780 And I say, did we skip a few sentences?

01:10:01.260 I say, no.

01:10:01.900 That's how it goes here.

01:10:02.640 And so, yeah. 0.99

01:10:04.620 So, you know, look, it's my cult, but it doesn't mean that fucking, you know. 1.00

01:10:10.500 If I say, you know, guys, this fucking shit, we need this to be, you know, whatever it is, done. 1.00

01:10:17.580 Then, yeah, somebody's got to do it. 1.00

01:10:18.700 But there's enough people that somebody will be like, all right, I'll do it.

01:10:20.180 Somebody will do it.

01:10:20.840 Yeah.

01:10:21.680 You see Chernobyl, that show?

01:10:24.260 Uh-uh.

01:10:24.560 Is it good?

01:10:24.840 Yeah, really good. 1.00

01:10:25.500 But the guys are like, we need fucking three of you to go in and turn the water off, and you're all going to die in the next week. 0.99

01:10:31.680 And they did it? 0.99

01:10:32.320 If you do it.

01:10:32.720 And everyone's like, and then some guy finally was like, all right, I'll do it. 0.85

01:10:37.080 It's like, if somebody's going to do that, somebody will fucking clean the bathroom and the lock cabin. 0.93

01:10:40.040 You know what I'm saying? 0.97

01:10:40.800 So, yeah.

01:10:42.100 So, yeah.

01:10:43.180 Yeah, man.

01:10:43.700 I'd like to apply.

01:10:44.860 You don't have to.

01:10:45.500 I have a question.

01:10:46.440 What was your guys' thoughts when you went to each other's podcast studios?

01:10:49.940 Was it?

01:10:50.360 Oh, yeah.

01:10:50.980 Also, you're an elder.

01:10:51.800 I keep forgetting to bring you the certificate.

01:10:53.600 Oh, really?

01:10:53.860 Yeah. 1.00

01:10:54.160 You're fucking guest host of the show. 1.00

01:10:55.680 Oh, yeah. 1.00

01:10:55.980 I got a pin for you, dude.

01:10:56.860 It's really cool.

01:10:57.360 Do you really?

01:10:57.880 Uh-huh.

01:10:58.140 Oh, it's cool, man.

01:10:58.720 I meant to bring it.

01:10:58.940 Thank you, dude.

01:10:59.900 It was an honor, man.

01:11:00.780 It was definitely scary.

01:11:02.660 You live in like a gated community, first of all.

01:11:05.760 And the guy gave me a gang gang whenever I rolled through.

01:11:08.380 No, he didn't.

01:11:10.200 What?

01:11:10.800 I swear to God, bro.

01:11:12.320 Who was it?

01:11:13.140 The white guy.

01:11:13.500 He was a white guy.

01:11:14.060 He looked very basic.

01:11:15.640 Nice guy.

01:11:16.500 See, I don't even know that guy.

01:11:17.980 I have some video of him.

01:11:19.120 Actually, I secretly was videoing some of the moments because I didn't know what was going to happen.

01:11:22.920 But so I got up there then and like, yeah, it was crazy.

01:11:26.580 Somebody was, yeah, there was like, I think Magic Johnson was jogging in the neighborhood.

01:11:32.080 Like it was very intense.

01:11:33.740 It was sheep.

01:11:34.840 I remember that people, some people, I think it was Scotland was like in the distance.

01:11:38.060 Like it was very.

01:11:38.800 There are areas that are technically Scotland.

01:11:42.660 Yeah.

01:11:42.940 There was a lot of endangered species.

01:11:44.840 I saw that.

01:11:45.520 I hadn't, nobody'd seen in a long time actually.

01:11:47.660 And I was like, oh, you know, they're looking for you.

01:11:50.020 You know, I told some of the animals.

01:11:51.840 Somebody said, somebody said to me once, hey, do you, I gotta ask you, do you really

01:11:55.840 rank your dogs?

01:11:56.740 Yeah.

01:11:57.440 And I said, what do you think?

01:12:01.480 And they said, no.

01:12:04.960 And I said, why are you asking this question?

01:12:07.860 And they said, oh, I don't know.

01:12:09.660 Well, that's how that conversation went.

01:12:14.840 Oh, that's hilarious, dude.

01:12:17.360 Yeah.

01:12:18.080 Man, I gotta listen to your podcast more often.

01:12:20.580 You know, I mean, it's kind of, you can just call me up, but there's no guests.

01:12:25.260 But yeah, man, people, I mean, a lot of people have, you know, are concerned about their health

01:12:29.640 and safety. 0.99

01:12:30.680 I liked, I liked doing the fucking. 1.00

01:12:33.040 You did? 1.00

01:12:33.500 Yeah. 0.99

01:12:33.780 It was fun as shit. 0.95

01:12:34.820 Thanks. 0.98

01:12:35.120 Yeah.

01:12:35.200 It was really fun.

01:12:35.800 Yeah.

01:12:35.940 I thought it was really fun and it was good for us.

01:12:37.680 I think that like, you know.

01:12:38.680 Oh, it's shocked.

01:12:39.460 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:12:40.380 Even my mom was like, what is happening, son?

01:12:43.420 Dude, my favorite.

01:12:44.100 Are you getting enough sun?

01:12:45.200 That's what she said. 0.99

01:12:46.580 I was like, mama, it's not fucking me. 0.99

01:12:48.440 You're strangely tan. 0.99

01:12:51.020 Yeah.

01:12:51.240 You look like a guy that should be much whiter than you are. 0.68

01:12:54.580 And you know that.

01:12:56.960 And you know that.

01:12:57.960 Oh, yeah, boy.

01:12:58.660 Yeah.

01:12:59.280 What's the deal?

01:13:00.420 Dude.

01:13:00.940 Are you outside a lot?

01:13:01.940 Huh?

01:13:02.500 Are you outside a lot?

01:13:02.740 Oh, I'm inside, man.

01:13:04.100 Yeah.

01:13:04.760 You know, part of my family's from Nicaragua, bro.

01:13:07.940 No.

01:13:08.120 It's not a racial, sir.

01:13:08.840 Yeah, my father's from Nicaragua.

01:13:09.920 What?

01:13:10.420 Yeah.

01:13:11.100 Nicaragua, bro.

01:13:12.060 Where are my Nickars at, huh?

01:13:13.760 Well.

01:13:15.720 A little too close.

01:13:16.860 Oh, yeah.

01:13:17.200 Sorry.

01:13:17.680 Yeah.

01:13:18.220 And hopefully the audio is clear on that.

01:13:19.840 Yeah, it is.

01:13:20.560 It's okay.

01:13:21.180 I'll get your back.

01:13:22.500 There's a C in there.

01:13:24.280 Okay, good.

01:13:27.120 Yeah, dude.

01:13:27.700 It was scary, actually.

01:13:28.860 I got there and I was like, oh, how does he?

01:13:30.940 It felt different to me.

01:13:32.340 I felt it was hard.

01:13:33.640 I felt like.

01:13:34.280 It was fun, but it was hard.

01:13:36.200 I wish I'd prepared a little more.

01:13:37.260 Oh, people loved it.

01:13:38.060 I mean, I guess I thought I didn't really prepare either, but sometimes like some of the most 0.99

01:13:45.020 fun I had was taking the calls, you know, just like this shit was hilarious. 0.99

01:13:47.700 Those guys, those fucking guys, like your listeners, bro. 1.00

01:13:50.080 Yeah. 1.00

01:13:50.760 They're like, you know how, you know what your listeners are like?

01:13:52.940 Some of them, not all of them.

01:13:54.180 Uh-huh.

01:13:54.480 But some of them are like, you know, oh, I know they're listening.

01:13:57.240 And get ready for this because this is what you are.

01:13:59.740 Okay?

01:14:00.200 So you are, you know, have you ever seen Total Recall, the first one?

01:14:05.020 Uh-huh.

01:14:05.220 Where the guy is like.

01:14:06.340 With that third tit.

01:14:07.380 The guy coming out of the side?

01:14:08.800 Yes.

01:14:09.340 Your listeners are that guy.

01:14:10.720 And you're the guy.

01:14:11.700 Oh, yeah.

01:14:12.400 Yeah, yeah.

01:14:13.160 Your listeners are like the guy coming out of you and they're just like.

01:14:17.200 What do they call him? 0.99

01:14:17.800 Quanto or whatever the fuck it is? 0.98

01:14:19.240 What is it? 1.00

01:14:19.800 What the fuck are you calling him? 1.00

01:14:22.040 That's your listener. 1.00

01:14:23.000 Those are some of your listeners, bro. 0.99

01:14:25.920 What the fuck did they call that guy? 0.99

01:14:27.260 Some of the Q. 0.99

01:14:28.060 Who knows?

01:14:28.740 It's not in the new one, though, with Colin Farrell.

01:14:30.460 Oh, my God, dude.

01:14:32.120 You live in such a weird space.

01:14:35.620 Let's get one more for Mr. Chris D'Elia.

01:14:38.440 Copy that.

01:14:39.160 Here we go.

01:14:42.180 Hey, guys.

01:14:42.840 It's Kyric from Rhode Island.

01:14:43.940 My question for Chris is, do you think you could grow a mullet equally as great or better

01:14:47.960 than Theo's?

01:14:48.580 And if you could, would you consider going on a mullet boys tour together? 0.99

01:14:52.140 Thanks, guys.

01:14:52.680 That's a good question.

01:14:53.540 Wow, mullet boys. 1.00

01:14:54.120 I really like that question.

01:14:55.840 I like the guy's energy.

01:14:57.700 He did.

01:14:58.240 He was confident, wasn't he?

01:14:59.300 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:14:59.720 At first, I was like, oh, fuck this. 1.00

01:15:01.440 But then he was very confident. 1.00

01:15:02.540 Nice young man, too. 0.98

01:15:04.180 Should have maybe thought about his hair a little bit before he fucking sent it over. 0.97

01:15:08.040 Didn't have any plans. 0.98

01:15:09.220 Yeah, no plans.

01:15:10.240 Also.

01:15:11.000 Has a shirt on backwards.

01:15:12.140 No, no, it's not backwards.

01:15:13.060 It's an NHL shirt.

01:15:14.240 That's a logo that goes there, bro.

01:15:15.420 Oh, that's crazy.

01:15:16.260 But yeah.

01:15:16.800 So anyway, looks like a good.

01:15:20.240 I will say this.

01:15:21.440 His eyebrows look like they're a little scared of each other.

01:15:23.640 Yeah.

01:15:24.320 But they're trying to get, you know, they look like they're trying to get over his ears.

01:15:27.880 Yeah, but they're going to figure it out. 0.96

01:15:29.580 And also, I'm just losing this fan here as we fucking know. 0.71

01:15:32.140 Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, bro. 0.99

01:15:33.120 But this is why you got to fucking, you got to tell the fans how it is, bro. 0.99

01:15:36.400 You got to tell it how it is. 0.99

01:15:37.840 No.

01:15:38.220 You got to, man.

01:15:38.880 He's a great guy.

01:15:39.600 He's a young guy.

01:15:40.160 He's probably 15.

01:15:40.260 You don't know that, dude. 1.00

01:15:41.360 This guy could be one of the guys that could fucking kill people. 1.00

01:15:43.260 You don't know that. 1.00

01:15:45.160 He could literally be, literally could be his fucking somebody behind him just like this. 1.00

01:15:52.540 Literally. 1.00

01:15:53.400 That's true.

01:15:54.400 You think a murderer has ever stopped a murderer to watch one of our podcasts?

01:15:58.280 Yeah.

01:15:59.380 Yeah.

01:16:00.720 One of ours?

01:16:01.660 Yes.

01:16:02.240 100%.

01:16:02.680 You think there's somebody laying dead somewhere with our podcast just playing in the background right now?

01:16:06.320 I think somebody's been killed to our podcast while it was on.

01:16:11.060 Like American Psycho instead of Huey Lewis and the News.

01:16:14.680 They play Chris. 0.99

01:16:15.280 Somebody been cut just fucking over and over again, stabbed. 0.99

01:16:17.700 And I'm in the back just being like, you know, let's go to fucking Miss Connections in Sacramento. 0.99

01:16:26.920 Yeah. 1.00

01:16:27.400 And then they die. 1.00

01:16:30.080 And then like fucking after my podcast is like fucking Pod Save America is some bullshit. 1.00

01:16:36.760 It's another Logan Paul talking to a stripper. 1.00

01:16:39.060 That's a good question, man.

01:16:42.640 Will we ever do a tour?

01:16:43.520 What was the question I even love?

01:16:44.020 It's about mullets and touring.

01:16:45.180 I will say this.

01:16:45.880 I don't think I could pull a mullet off like you. 0.67

01:16:48.920 No way.

01:16:49.680 Yeah.

01:16:50.060 Yeah.

01:16:50.580 You've got the right look for it.

01:16:54.740 But also, I like it.

01:16:58.260 I like a mullet.

01:16:59.000 Yeah.

01:16:59.380 Yeah.

01:16:59.580 I would like to do maybe like a mohawk at some point.

01:17:03.340 Ooh.

01:17:03.740 That would be very cool. 0.99

01:17:04.720 But I think I got fucking, maybe I got a weird head. 0.99

01:17:06.960 I don't even know. 0.99

01:17:07.440 I haven't seen my head.

01:17:08.400 Dude, that's a risky move.

01:17:09.700 I don't even have ever seen my head.

01:17:10.540 Would you ever go buzz cut?

01:17:11.640 That's insane.

01:17:12.340 Never seen my head.

01:17:13.240 Oh.

01:17:13.660 I've never seen my head.

01:17:15.040 I would never do a buzz cut.

01:17:16.520 Man, it's way scary. 1.00

01:17:17.500 You've got to be a psychopath. 0.99

01:17:18.700 My head's like Braveheart. 1.00

01:17:19.880 I've never seen it.

01:17:20.980 Yeah.

01:17:21.520 Really?

01:17:21.820 Never seen it.

01:17:22.320 Never seen it.

01:17:23.040 Saw it once.

01:17:23.860 Saw it once.

01:17:24.540 Saw it once.

01:17:25.080 Saw both of them once.

01:17:25.940 I'll be honest.

01:17:27.020 Would never see them again.

01:17:30.740 Wow.

01:17:31.320 Yep.

01:17:32.240 Well, you guys can listen to Congratulations Pod.

01:17:35.020 I got my podcast.

01:17:35.880 Congratulations.

01:17:36.760 Love your podcast.

01:17:37.600 Love this past weekend.

01:17:38.720 Yeah.

01:17:38.880 Thanks for being here, man.

01:17:39.700 Yeah.

01:17:39.840 That was one of the craziest things ever.

01:17:40.980 I remember watching when you walked onto the screen in our podcast, on this podcast. 0.99

01:17:46.020 I was like, holy shit. 0.99

01:17:47.100 It's like seeing your teacher at the supermarket. 1.00

01:17:48.520 You're like, what are you doing here?

01:17:49.560 Yeah.

01:17:49.860 Yeah.

01:17:50.220 Yeah.

01:17:50.500 Yeah.

01:17:50.760 Yeah.

01:17:50.980 Yeah.

01:17:51.440 Yep.

01:17:51.980 It's like, what did we do? 0.97

01:17:52.440 You ever see Mr. Ap Roberts and fucking Ralph's? 0.98

01:17:54.280 No way, dude. 1.00

01:17:55.020 It's weird as fuck. 0.98

01:17:55.960 You're like, oh yeah, you got a real life. 0.99

01:17:57.120 I forgot.

01:17:57.760 Yeah. 0.99

01:17:58.020 You think of your teachers just like fucking at the end of the class period, you're like, 1.00

01:18:00.780 okay, well, and then they just buy and they close the door and they just fucking 1.00

01:18:03.480 get in a bed and curl up and go to sleep with like an apple next to them. 0.98

01:18:06.540 But they don't, bro. 1.00

01:18:07.380 They go fucking to the supermarket and shit. 1.00

01:18:09.360 They got families. 1.00

01:18:10.500 Yeah.

01:18:10.700 And you see what's in their cart.

01:18:11.900 You're like, what?

01:18:12.980 Weird.

01:18:13.940 Tuna fish?

01:18:15.240 Macaroni, bro.

01:18:15.780 Yeah. 1.00

01:18:16.760 You're nuts. 1.00

01:18:17.200 Where's your wife? 1.00

01:18:18.360 That was always a scare so we realized they didn't have a wife or something.

01:18:21.000 You know who their wife is? 0.99

01:18:21.580 Their wife is always another teacher in like the different school, right? 0.99

01:18:26.200 That fucking doesn't seem right. 1.00

01:18:27.520 But Mrs. Ab Roberts is in fucking Flintridge or some shit. 1.00

01:18:31.380 Yeah. 0.99

01:18:32.040 Things have really changed out here.

01:18:34.900 Chris D'Elia, thanks for coming by, man.

01:18:36.320 Thank you, man. 0.98

01:18:36.900 I had a fucking blast. 0.95

01:18:37.780 I love coming back. 0.97

01:18:38.420 I've been wanting to come back, so I'm happy.

01:18:39.920 Really?

01:18:40.260 Yeah.

01:18:40.520 I'm so grateful that you did, man.

01:18:42.520 Will you ever have other guests besides your brother on your podcast?

01:18:44.760 I don't know.

01:18:45.240 I only have my brother one time.

01:18:46.400 But if I do, yeah, you're first in line there.

01:18:47.860 Yeah.

01:18:48.000 And I got into the YouTube live chat on that. 0.97

01:18:49.620 It was fucking ripping him up. 0.97

01:18:52.020 Oh, I think I remember that. 0.99

01:18:53.080 Yeah.

01:18:53.200 That's so funny.

01:18:53.880 I just called him Salvador Dali like 30 times and some other stuff.

01:18:59.760 But that was pretty cool, though.

01:19:00.940 Was it fun having your brother on?

01:19:01.920 Yeah. 0.75

01:19:02.340 He's dope.

01:19:03.000 Yeah.

01:19:03.240 It's cool.

01:19:03.540 He's going to start a podcast.

01:19:04.460 Oh, he actually started it.

01:19:05.340 He's just banking the episodes and releasing them. 0.75

01:19:07.640 His podcast is going to be fucking awesome. 0.87

01:19:09.480 Really? 0.96

01:19:09.800 I don't know if you would want me to talk about it or not, but it's fucking awesome. 0.92

01:19:12.380 He's got awesome guests. 0.65

01:19:13.860 Yeah.

01:19:14.180 It's cool. 0.98

01:19:14.740 I can't wait to fucking hear it. 0.95

01:19:15.740 Have there been – has anybody reached out yet about you being a superhero? 0.98

01:19:21.920 Like for me?

01:19:22.600 Because I know this is going to happen for you.

01:19:24.020 Like I believe – like I'm not joking about that.

01:19:25.780 Like I know that you're going to be like some sort of a superhero.

01:19:28.440 I don't know what the world will be in or if you could – I mean you could even probably

01:19:32.820 create your own universe of superheroes, I think.

01:19:35.220 That would be very cool.

01:19:36.360 Yeah.

01:19:36.700 I would love to do that.

01:19:38.060 Because you could do that.

01:19:39.540 I – yeah.

01:19:40.520 No, I haven't been reached out for any superhero yet.

01:19:43.180 But Zachary Levi DMed me the other day, so we're getting close.

01:19:45.980 Wow.

01:19:46.680 That's all it takes, man.

01:19:48.040 Yeah.

01:19:48.720 All it takes, bro.

01:19:50.640 All right.

01:19:51.100 Crystal Leah, thank you so much for being here, man.

01:19:52.500 Thank you.

01:19:52.960 Now I'm just floating on the breeze, and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.

01:19:59.200 I must be cornerstone.

01:20:04.400 Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.

01:20:09.820 I can feel it in my bones, but it's going to take a little time for me to set that parking

01:20:22.120 brake and let myself unwind.

01:20:25.600 Shine that light on the breeze, and I will find a song I will sing it just for you.

01:20:47.900 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be

01:21:07.400 sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure

01:21:12.240 your partner.

01:21:13.500 The answer may shock you.

01:21:15.240 Sometimes I'll interview my friends.

01:21:17.300 Sometimes I won't.

01:21:18.820 And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.

01:21:21.660 You have three new voice messages.

01:21:25.120 A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.

01:21:27.840 I've been talking about Kite Club for so long.

01:21:30.520 Longer than anybody else.

01:21:32.120 So great.

01:21:33.500 Hi.

01:21:34.120 Swear.

01:21:35.120 Here's a deal. 1.00

01:21:36.480 Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. 1.00

01:21:40.440 Jermaine. 0.99

01:21:41.000 I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.

01:21:45.500 Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.

01:21:47.580 Oh, no.

01:21:49.860 I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.

01:21:52.300 Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:21:56.460 Second rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:22:00.680 Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts, or watch us on YouTube,

01:22:05.820 yeah?

01:22:06.480 And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - June 06, 2019

Chris D'Elia 2 ｜ This Past Weekend #204

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