This Past Weekend with Theo Von - Drippy Mitts ｜ This Past Weekend #226

00:00:00.480 Recently, our company's softball team lost the big game by one run.

00:00:04.800 Then Dale tried to console us with the quote,

00:00:07.200 winning isn't everything.

00:00:09.060 Well, Dale and I are very different.

00:00:12.740 I get early payout from Bet365.

00:00:14.680 If my team goes up big, I get paid out instantly,

00:00:17.480 even if they blow the lead later.

00:00:19.540 Sound familiar, Dale?

00:00:21.280 Thanks, Bet365.

00:00:22.920 Must be 19 or older, Ontario only.

00:00:24.420 Please play responsibly.

00:00:25.240 If you have questions or concerns about your gambling

00:00:26.660 or the gambling of someone close to you,

00:00:27.720 please go to connexontario.ca TNC Supply.

00:00:30.000 I mean, oh, yes, oh, my God, oh, my God, sometimes, somebody's always saying that, you know, oh, my God, oh, my God, people say it so differently, you know.

00:00:51.240 Oh, my God, Papa. Dang. Jesus Cristo. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. A lot of different ways to say that. Oh, my God. Some people just, it's all one word. Oh, my God. You know? Some people say, oh, my God, Nebraska. You're like, no, that's not it.

00:01:15.980 ah we got the studios looking retightened and uh that's uh producer nick really i mean it's

00:01:26.060 if you get a chance to look on the youtube and and just really feel your face with the beautiful

00:01:31.740 background that we got going on here sweet taste of americana right here a lot of sweet things that

00:01:38.800 people have brought us uh and gifts that people have brought us we got the strap right there tfa

00:01:44.080 ATK Guest of the Year, two tasks, a lot of nice things, dude, I was just in the, so it's

00:01:52.980 Saturday, I gotta tell you that, because I have to leave today to go to this, to go out

00:01:57.820 of town, I'll talk about that in a little while, but I'm in the bathroom here at the

00:02:03.080 office building, and there's a man in there, and he is, and I go to the, I'm using the

00:02:10.260 sink i do toilet and sink i do a wall toilet you know for uh yellow only and i'm and then i go to

00:02:20.120 um and then i hear somebody in one of the booths in one of the you know the uh dookie booths

00:02:28.840 and i look over somebody okay a man i will say it was a man because the shoe size was probably

00:02:35.940 more than it looked like at least nine and a half or more or better somebody is facing the wrong

00:02:47.360 way on the toilet you know what i'm saying somebody's just you know when because you know

00:02:53.680 a toilet most i think i thought everybody sat one way on the toilet and then i see this fella

00:03:00.680 you know this little uh this little olympian and he's in there facing the wrong way okay just 0.98

00:03:11.220 hugging tank you know and i'm just like damn this guy i mean maybe he has like poop dyslexia or 0.93

00:03:18.880 something i don't even know but this guy you know and i said a quick prayer for him inside of myself 0.97

00:03:25.400 you know dropped a qp on him and uh and god i mean just you just wonder how people end up like

00:03:34.520 that and this was an adult i mean my brother and i you know when we were children and stuff like

00:03:41.120 that and when water was scarce sometimes if we couldn't you know mom wouldn't want us flush in

00:03:47.420 the toilet that much and so we would go back to back on the toilet and try to you know empty our 0.89

00:03:53.700 bodies out you know whoever could do it faster and then just you know do one flush but um but to

00:04:00.860 see a grown man and not see him but just to see the legs of a grown man and know he's just in

00:04:06.620 there just hugging tank boy i just you won't see me doing that you won't see me just just gripping

00:04:17.060 In that tank, that booty aquarium, brother, back of a toilet, you won't see me.

00:04:22.900 I sit face forward on the toilet with both my legs out in front of me like God intended.

00:04:29.520 I ain't out here doing the devil's work.

00:04:34.400 That's for sure.

00:04:36.480 Let's go. 0.94

00:04:38.300 She's got eyes of fire that burn like a shot of whiskey.

00:04:44.140 Yeah, man. 1.00

00:04:47.060 And she's been known to bring a man to his knees 1.00

00:04:52.980 She'll take all you have, and you never see her coming 1.00

00:05:00.180 She'll take all you have, baby, and you never see her coming 1.00

00:05:03.140 And that's how I know the devil is a woman

00:05:08.140 Well, Mr. Johnson knows 1.00

00:05:18.400 Cause he saw her up close in the downtown

00:05:21.440 Said, ma'am, if you don't mind

00:05:26.940 Would you tune this guitar for me? 1.00

00:05:31.700 But she took his soul

00:05:34.980 And she broke his heart just for fun

00:05:38.300 And that's how I know 1.00

00:05:42.660 The devil is a woman 1.00

00:05:46.240 That's how I know 1.00

00:05:51.800 That's how I know 1.00

00:05:55.320 The devil is a woman 1.00

00:05:56.860 And that is Bishop Gunn right there 1.00

00:06:00.100 And just shooting that devil is a woman right in your ears 0.99

00:06:04.400 isn't it crazy that there's holes in your head and think about all of them okay let's think about 0.99

00:06:12.440 them you got ear holes they collect sound so what else collect sound sponges um hallways i guess or

00:06:24.000 like a cave then you got your nose you can smell isn't that crazy that you can smell stuff you

00:06:33.740 You can bring air into your face, and then you know that if the air smells like something or doesn't.

00:06:42.620 That's crazy, isn't it?

00:06:44.140 Think about that.

00:06:46.280 Oh, peach cobbler.

00:06:48.560 You know?

00:06:49.340 It could be anything.

00:06:51.460 Oh, man.

00:06:55.160 Somebody's been burning rubber out here while I was sleeping.

00:06:59.240 Somebody's been squealing the tires.

00:07:01.460 uh i love that's crazy that you can just make air come into your face and then guess

00:07:07.660 and then you and you and you know what's what kind of smell is out there and that

00:07:12.540 just to me that's something we should talk about more um what's going on welcome to this past

00:07:22.140 weekend it is saturday today and uh and what was i thinking about oh i'm thinking about this man

00:07:30.440 i'm thinking about my body today and then we have um the our mouth and the mouth can do

00:07:38.200 a lot of different stuff it's a real it's really the airport of your head the other you know the

00:07:44.640 nose the eyes do a good bit a lot of traffic coming in a lot of color traffic coming in and

00:07:53.020 out of your eyes you know your eyes are connected pretty much to your brain your eyes are like

00:07:59.000 little color brains that are kind of just loitering outside of the lobby of your brain like they're

00:08:04.520 outside doing a cigarette while your brain's in you know still on the clock but your mouth is

00:08:12.220 really like the airport you know they got there's a lot of there's not there's like a lot of you

00:08:18.220 know you got air coming in words going out tastes um you got food you know you could be doing a

00:08:26.100 sentence or you could be doing a taco you know your mouth has a lot of a lot of in and out a lot

00:08:31.560 of you know importing and outporting through your mouth so really unique that uh that your head has 0.98

00:08:38.760 all of that going on that amazing i mean your head is like a damn uh train station and they got sound 0.96

00:08:46.720 trains air trains uh color train you know it's just all aboard we doing it we doing it 0.93

00:08:55.940 what's going on boy i was thinking um i was thinking yesterday about

00:09:03.880 that my skin is starting to look a little bit uh old that's what i started thinking man i was like 0.87

00:09:14.700 Damn, my skin is getting old, boy.

00:09:19.560 Isn't that weird? 1.00

00:09:20.220 When you see something in your body, you're like, damn, that shit's starting to fall apart. 1.00

00:09:26.560 Or if you see your leg in a picture or something, you're like, damn, my leg is fucked up. 1.00

00:09:33.520 I'm always shocked when you have one of those moments where you're like, oh, wow. 0.99

00:09:38.980 You look at a picture of yourself from a few years earlier. 0.98

00:09:42.100 You're like, damn, I was young. 1.00

00:09:43.400 I was fine as fuck. 1.00

00:09:45.740 But then you didn't think you were fine back then. 0.99

00:09:47.940 Remember that?

00:09:49.300 I always hate that.

00:09:51.720 You'll see a picture of yourself from like seven years ago or even, you know, 19 years ago. 0.94

00:09:56.380 And you'd be like, damn, I was attractive and I didn't, and I didn't have, I just had no confidence.

00:10:03.500 I'm like, God, why didn't I know that I was, you know, handsome enough or, you know, or fine enough? 0.99

00:10:14.200 It's like, damn, look how nice I looked. 0.96

00:10:16.540 I didn't realize it. 0.98

00:10:17.540 I didn't have that confidence.

00:10:19.960 I hate that, man. 1.00

00:10:21.180 That boils my damn beef. 1.00

00:10:24.300 That boils my beef. 1.00

00:10:26.280 That makes me upset, man. 0.99

00:10:27.780 but but not as upset at that as that dude with damn freaking uh do uh dude in the toilet on the 0.94

00:10:36.820 wrong just hugging that tank but maybe he's going through something i probably should have checked 0.89

00:10:43.340 on i'll check if if this if this episode i'll check at the end and if he's still in there

00:10:48.980 what if he's just oh i don't want to think about that what if he's deceased

00:10:52.280 here i am making a podcast laughing about the guy you know who's trying to you know

00:11:01.880 who's trying to bat left-handed on a toilet and and the guy's jesus i hope he's all right

00:11:08.600 um what's going on uh i got some new tour dates to announce to you and i know people were upset

00:11:16.960 because of some of the ones that happened and and i had to change stuff for the uh doing this movie

00:11:21.640 I'm about to leave right now

00:11:23.280 It's actually

00:11:24.180 It is Saturday

00:11:25.480 I had to record this

00:11:26.820 And I'm leaving to go

00:11:29.380 Over to Atlanta

00:11:31.520 Because when Chris Pratt said

00:11:34.420 Hey brother

00:11:35.020 I need you to come help me fight aliens

00:11:36.980 I said okay I'm going to do that

00:11:39.220 Because he's already been to the future

00:11:41.540 And helped battle stuff

00:11:42.500 And so he knows what's going on

00:11:43.900 You know he's already taking care of some stuff

00:11:46.500 And so he needs help

00:11:47.400 What else man

00:11:50.900 what else what's going on uh just been trying to rest trying to relax and uh and i got a bunch

00:11:57.120 of great calls that came in i got some new tour dates i do want to announce them um

00:12:02.080 but first i want to i want to say this oh people talking about the jimmy johns guy 0.91

00:12:11.520 dude twitter i i fucking hate twitter man twitter just gotten so lame 0.97

00:12:17.360 it's uh i just don't understand it i don't understand um 0.99

00:12:24.000 why why uh i don't know i don't know it's just gotten so lame i wish somebody would just make

00:12:31.500 a twitter just for everybody i wish uh it's kind of social media and and everything were just for

00:12:36.800 everyone you know for everyone um there's a lot of fake outrage this is one of the things i saw

00:12:43.500 Fake outrage over a resurfaced photo of Jimmy John's founder pictured with a hunted, downed elephant has caused some people to call for a boycott of Jimmy John's.

00:12:56.440 Look, if you don't want to eat Jimmy John's, don't eat it.

00:13:01.680 But I'll tell you this.

00:13:03.840 I'm eating it.

00:13:05.780 Okay?

00:13:06.620 As long as they don't put elephant on my turkey tom, baby, I'll be out there.

00:13:12.080 i'll be out there by the jimmy john's you know that dude i wear two pairs of underpants bro 0.99

00:13:21.200 when i go to jimmy john's because i need something to keep my dick down you feel me 0.99

00:13:25.980 because their sandwiches make me damn erect and yeah if you're upset that jimmy john killed a 0.99

00:13:32.960 fucking lion bro then guess what oh well all right now do i think he should be allowed to 0.99

00:13:40.260 shoot a lion with a gun? No. I think if you want to fight an animal, you go fight an animal out 1.00

00:13:46.200 there. Mono e mono. E e. Ani ma. No. You know what I'm saying, boy. Mono ani mono. You fight 0.98

00:13:57.780 ani mono. You don't fight him with a gun. You're shooting something. I've said this before. You're 1.00

00:14:02.580 shooting something from 200 yards away. You and your buddies there, you know, snapping into a

00:14:07.280 slim Jim bruh I'm looking at each other's ass cheeks and one of them little you know cages or 0.96

00:14:12.020 whatever no no Jimmy John you want to battle something get out there and battle something 0.87

00:14:17.580 and also yeah I'd love to see you maybe they should have more exotic meats at the sandwich shop

00:14:24.520 anybody ever thought about that because yeah most of the animals he's killing turkey tuna 0.99

00:14:30.620 what do they have at Jimmy John chicken that shit is easy to kill bruh dude I'll kill a chicken with 1.00

00:14:37.060 a fucking piece of yarn bro sneak up on that bitch boy and get him italian style from the back 1.00

00:14:42.280 but you're saying you know i'm glad to see at least he's challenged at least he's moving up 1.00

00:14:50.260 to challenge more hard-hitting animals but and look dude if i'm fully honest i'd have a little

00:14:58.180 bit of fant bro you throw a little elephant on him on a bread oh boy get in there boy that had 0.93

00:15:09.460 me a couple cuts of fant bro on some fucking uh on a brioche roll doctor called the doctor 0.97

00:15:18.120 But, yeah, so look, I don't think anybody should kill a big animal like that with a gun. 0.99

00:15:31.360 You want to get out there and fight him face to face?

00:15:34.120 Then do it.

00:15:35.440 You put two boxing gloves on Jimmy and you put one boxing glove on that trunk of that elephant and let him do it out.

00:15:45.440 you know best of three or something so but i mean you can't hate the guy forever i mean you know 0.99

00:15:52.280 he's fucking selling sandwiches dude if you sold billions of sandwiches and shit you probably lose 0.98

00:15:57.240 your mind too and do something crazy in africa but i don't know i mean it's just they want any 1.00

00:16:04.660 anything if it's a white guy doing something they're gonna shut him down so that's twitter 0.96

00:16:08.000 basically for you that's basically uh yeah i don't even have a problem dude this i think 0.99

00:16:15.540 he should have to fight a regular elephant now that's the rule then you want to kill one okay

00:16:22.460 second one you gotta you guys gotta go at it i like that um i want to announce these rescheduled

00:16:29.860 European tour dates. Please note that

00:16:33.720 tickets will go on sale this Tuesday, August 27th

00:16:37.560 at 10 a.m. local time. So people are like

00:16:41.700 what time is that here? That's 10 a.m. wherever here is.

00:16:46.940 The ticket links for the original shows will be the same for the

00:16:49.860 rescheduled dates. Tickets will transfer over so if you

00:16:53.920 had a ticket for the original show you can just transfer your ticket over

00:16:57.860 to the new date. If you have questions or concerns about switching over your tickets

00:17:04.380 or any other questions, please contact the venue box office or the point of purchase

00:17:12.000 and they will be able to help facilitate. Okay, they are Saturday, January 4th is Manchester.

00:17:21.520 Sunday, January 5th is also Manchester.

00:17:24.780 Monday, the 6th is Dublin, Ireland.

00:17:28.660 Wednesday, the 8th will be Glasgow.

00:17:31.560 And that's January.

00:17:32.420 This is all January.

00:17:34.260 Friday, the 10th will be London.

00:17:37.440 Saturday, the 11th will be London.

00:17:39.860 Two shows.

00:17:42.300 Monday will be Amsterdam.

00:17:47.100 January 13th.

00:17:48.860 Tuesday, January 14th will be Oslo.

00:17:53.060 And Wednesday, January 15th will be Stockholm.

00:17:56.800 And so those are the European dates.

00:18:00.700 And again, you can get all of those through theovan.com slash tour.

00:18:06.000 And if you had a ticket to a previous show, that will just transfer over to the new show.

00:18:10.520 But you should check in with the box office and see what's going on. 0.99

00:18:14.780 Man, my hair looks like shit, bro. 1.00

00:18:17.500 that's crazy man oh that's another thing that's coming out of your head hair and little 1.00

00:18:23.120 dude think of all the stuff your head is doing think of it your head is doing almost so much

00:18:30.560 stuff to your body's kind of i mean it's doing a lot but it's it's definitely kind of backseat

00:18:36.460 driver a little bit i feel like um but let's take some calls speaking about european tour dates let's

00:18:41.700 take a call that came in right here onward hey uh theo it's uh it's your man tito livois over

00:18:46.580 here in germany what's up tito onward brother in germany huh uh donkey and uh i just wanted to

00:18:54.400 call in man uh you know kind of give you some support uh on your decision to take that movie

00:18:59.240 with chris pratt i had a pretty rough year this last year job losses and changes lost a dear friend

00:19:05.140 of mine for example uh and your show helped me tremendously uh that perspective kind of got me

00:19:10.440 through that and a few months ago when your show in amsterdam posted i didn't know if i was even

00:19:14.360 going to be over here to go but i decided to go ahead and roll the dice by that ticket

00:19:18.000 and uh turns out i found the job actually right down the road before the show was going to be

00:19:23.060 so i was really excited about that and i got the job oh congrats man so you got a new job

00:19:28.400 and um and it's right down the road from the from that amsterdam hitter but then i changed the date

00:19:34.900 it turns out last week i found out they're going to send me out of town for training

00:19:38.600 during that time frame of the show.

00:19:41.720 So I watched the podcast on Monday.

00:19:44.620 It turns out you have to postpone the show,

00:19:46.300 which means I'm going to be able to make the postponed show

00:19:48.680 after my new job change.

00:19:51.020 So all things considered, it worked out well for me,

00:19:53.040 and it's working out well for you.

00:19:54.640 I just wanted to kind of call in and give you some positive news.

00:19:57.560 Well, there you go, guys.

00:20:00.460 One person excited about the change, man.

00:20:04.480 So look, if you want to blame it on somebody,

00:20:06.960 we rescheduled them all for that guy right there um now congrats on the job man you got that new

00:20:14.260 job and you're going to be able to do different activities at work they're going to pay you

00:20:18.440 you're going to perform uh that's beautiful bro that's beautiful and thanks for the well wishes

00:20:25.420 about the uh film i mean i don't say film movie i don't fucking know bro i mean i don't know 0.76

00:20:30.280 exactly how to how to discuss this thing you know without signing like a straight d-bag honestly 0.86

00:20:36.440 um but uh here we go tv what's going on big dog this guy's over here in charlotte what's up

00:20:47.300 kaiser over there in charlotte gang bro onward coughing up a lung uh because you on that we

00:20:54.160 baby but on that uh on that hitter but uh congratulations on the news about the uh

00:21:03.000 about the role that you got, Chris Pratt.

00:21:07.260 It's one of the top 10 guys in Hollywood right now.

00:21:10.320 That's an Avenger.

00:21:12.240 Thanks, man.

00:21:13.800 Yeah, he, I mean, yeah, it's crazy.

00:21:15.740 Look, if Rosie O'Donnell hits me up to do something, 1.00

00:21:21.680 suck a tit, Ro-Ro. 1.00

00:21:23.820 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

00:21:25.660 If, who else, one of these fucking Muppets, 0.99

00:21:29.840 I mean, literally 99% of people ask me 0.99

00:21:32.940 if I want to be a part of something no but I mean this thing just sliced through the water 0.95

00:21:39.740 like a fucking shrimp with a sword baby and uh and I was like man this man's asking me 0.86

00:21:46.620 point blank to be a part of his project and I didn't know what else to do except 0.99

00:21:54.980 you know he said look I need somebody to help me fight aliens and the future 0.92

00:21:59.480 needs you and i was like well damn bro are you sure and um and that was how it kind of started

00:22:06.720 and so now i'm gonna go you know i guess i'm gonna help out for the future as much as i can 0.96

00:22:12.700 so onward okay and um i was trying to think of like what role you were gonna play i could see

00:22:22.500 you being a mechanic oh yeah dude i like mechanics thanks um with some oil a couple oil spots on your

00:22:30.800 shirt you know on your hands um i could see you probably being a veterinarian oh yeah boy with

00:22:39.620 that heavy petting zoo bruh now veterinarian i'm not cutting into something for no reason

00:22:44.100 you know i mean i'm not cutting into something for no reason dude if something you know if an

00:22:51.180 animal swallows a marble or swallows its house keys or something i'll get in there but for some 0.96

00:22:56.200 miscellaneous you know they got arrhythmia here and fucking judy's rabbit that's judy's problem 0.97

00:23:04.180 bro i'll send that thing over to jimmy john and let him pop it off you feel me uh onward and taking 0.97

00:23:10.680 care of dogs and other animals and hamsters and yiddies um also i wanted to ask you or jesus

00:23:24.520 brother will ask me because um this guy might be just really too high man onward are you going to

00:23:31.640 be filming during uh the diamonds fight does this mean that you cannot go to abu dhabi

00:23:39.260 that exactly that is what it means man it is what it means and uh and that's a bummer too man i was

00:23:47.580 probably i mean i it's just it's been a lot man to be honest dude it's like the past couple months

00:23:53.960 have just been have been tough well here first first my brain's all over the place

00:23:59.640 yes i can't go to the fight so i'm i'm bummed out about that

00:24:05.660 um and what role am i playing in this show um they just need the guy said they need help in

00:24:14.820 in the future and they you know that it's about like they have aliens and that they need help

00:24:20.880 and so you know i don't think i'm going to be i don't think they have a lot of veterinarians in

00:24:27.160 the future because they don't you don't see that you know you don't see like a guy show up in a

00:24:35.540 time machine and he's got a couple animals with him or something or like a um stethoscope with

00:24:39.980 like deer blood on it or something so i think it's going to be a little bit more uh you know

00:24:47.260 just kind of like a normal guy who goes to the future and just tries his best basically they

00:24:52.840 said we want you that's what they said i said well what is they said we want you we want you to be

00:24:59.020 help us in the future because we got problems and and they're talking about aliens and also

00:25:05.600 look a black friend of mine told me that black people and aliens have beef with each other

00:25:12.240 so i mean i told y'all about that a while back but there's just obviously in the future there's 0.98

00:25:19.180 a lot of kind of shit happening that people are concerned about but uh what else man let's take

00:25:26.240 another call that came in here uh sorry i'm all over the place a little bit man i'm just 0.96

00:25:30.200 my energy's all jacked up because i have to fly out uh tonight so i'm a little bit um

00:25:37.560 you know just erratic i guess and i'm nervous you know i don't know what this experience is

00:25:44.300 going to be like uh i don't know what it's going to be like i mean they're gonna have people that

00:25:49.840 are professional you know i'm gonna have to be in a different type of environment um the things i am

00:25:57.760 excited about you know i'm after but i don't know they made it seem like it's like i'm gonna be able

00:26:03.800 to be myself and so that was something that was extremely appealing to me and chris pratt is

00:26:11.540 basically like you know jesus's little bucko so it's like you know if the lord calls dude

00:26:17.860 you don't just sit by the phone and and finish off a thing of planters peanuts you know i'm saying 0.99

00:26:24.700 you don't fucking just polish off some nutter butters and listen to that bitch ring if the lord 0.99

00:26:29.380 calls yellow uh let's take another call here and this is um the number is nine eight five six six 1.00

00:26:40.720 It's 4-9-5-0-3, and I want to let you know that MeUndies is here to change your underwear.

00:26:50.960 Not literally, but it's here to change the way you think about it.

00:26:55.440 They believe undies shouldn't take themselves too seriously.

00:26:59.020 They believe undies should be soft and fit every booty like it was made for every booty

00:27:03.860 and offer fun patterns that give you the freedom to express yourself.

00:27:08.440 and i'll say this me undies the colors are so bright and vibrant you i mean you uh i've had

00:27:16.040 neighbors report them seeing like a fire or ufo because they see that floss they see that body 0.50

00:27:23.640 that crotch shine like what is that oh damn something's happening here and what it is ain't

00:27:30.460 exactly clear and so that's how vibrant they are the new feel-free collection offers an ultra soft 0.95

00:27:37.260 waistband that maximizes comfort with a weightless feel designed with you in mind and i love that

00:27:43.000 because sometimes i will uh get too much my band will be too tight and i won't be able to um my

00:27:50.960 waistband will be too tight and i won't be able to it'll make me have to pee pee and my body just

00:27:56.200 wants to pee the whole time and so i like those those feel free waistbands new prints drop every

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00:28:35.260 That is meundies.com slash weekend to get 15% off your first pair, free shipping and 100%

00:28:42.720 satisfaction guaranteed. And thank you for supporting this past weekend. Oh, we had another

00:28:49.080 question that came in here through Patreon, uh, through Danny Crook. And it's more about the film,

00:28:54.780 The Ghost Draft

00:28:57.360 that's the name of it

00:28:58.380 what expectations do you have as you approach the new movie

00:29:01.480 project

00:29:02.180 what expectations

00:29:03.900 for background and context I recently realized

00:29:07.260 how much of my own anxiety and depression

00:29:09.100 stems from not managing my own

00:29:11.440 expectations better

00:29:12.620 so what expectations do you have

00:29:15.420 for the film

00:29:16.120 you know that's a good

00:29:17.660 that's a good question man

00:29:20.200 I think

00:29:20.740 well I think

00:29:23.060 you know I realize this isn't a film I'm the star of

00:29:27.180 or anything like that

00:29:28.100 that I'm not even

00:29:29.280 you know I'm going to be a part of it

00:29:32.240 that's all I know

00:29:33.580 you know and it was kind of risky to me

00:29:36.220 to just to accept that

00:29:38.380 but

00:29:42.160 I have to go in

00:29:44.340 and I think it's going to be

00:29:45.400 a nice change of pace

00:29:47.980 in the sense that it will give me a chance to

00:29:50.260 have a new experience with something

00:29:52.380 you know and just have a little bit of a change of pace you know we all need that in our lives

00:29:58.580 you know variety is the spice of life they say it it's that cinnamon bro that cardamom

00:30:04.120 you know i'm expecting that there'll be a lot of downtime which i think will be good

00:30:09.320 for me to get a chance to rest you know i've been trying to take some time off and really

00:30:14.080 just rest my brain you know my brain feels really tired and so i've been just trying to rest it and

00:30:19.920 relax it and um and so i think i'll have that expectations i probably won't be able to be you

00:30:27.540 know i'm not going to be the center of attention and so i think that this could be just a nice

00:30:31.920 lesson in uh in humility you know uh to be supporting support somebody else um what

00:30:41.480 expectations i'm gonna try to create some good patterns for myself on a day-to-day basis so that

00:30:48.860 I don't just fall into bad habits so I'm gonna really work hard to do that uh yeah it's funny

00:30:58.080 man I have it's crazy how much expectations I'll have expectations run crazy in my head forever

00:31:02.380 you know thinking something's going to be like this or like this or like this and

00:31:06.500 I'm not even you know I can't even really be present in my own life until whatever that thing

00:31:12.600 happens is um and then if it and it things rarely can live up to your expectations because our

00:31:20.060 imagination can be so you know like i'll sit like if you see like a pretty girl walk towards you

00:31:27.240 or pretty man if you like a man's body or man you like a man's brain and body you see them walk at

00:31:33.760 you and you think man they're gonna look at me they're gonna buy me a flower or something or a

00:31:39.080 hat or something we'll split a little bag of something you know cut a nerd rope in half and 0.98

00:31:43.800 share it but the truth is they don't they just walk by and now you're like shit now i'm all 0.97

00:31:50.420 depressed because that person thinks i'm nasty but they never thought about me at all and here i am 0.95

00:31:56.360 you know not taking care of myself laying on the couch watching two seasons of uh forensic files

00:32:03.700 homeboy just out there just doing just mostly death viewing on on investigative discovery

00:32:11.420 that's bad news bears so i think i'm trying to keep my expectations low um and i'm trying to

00:32:21.440 see if there's lessons for me in this as the lame as that sounds a little bit that's what i'm trying

00:32:25.840 to do uh so those are some of my thoughts going into it uh danny crook um jillian neal had this

00:32:36.400 question how do you wind down after a show you put so much energy and joy in your stand-up i'm

00:32:40.980 just curious how you relax you know it takes me a while i realized you know and it takes me usually

00:32:47.860 i'll drink coffee in between shows and to get jacked out for the second one so i got that 0.99

00:32:53.460 fucking you know I'm saying I got that I got that baby brown vinegar boy that cafe 0.99

00:32:59.780 just trying to skeet right out of my veins and that gets me jacked out for the second hit 1.00

00:33:06.320 uh so afterwards how do I wind down well I used to do masturbation 0.98

00:33:12.900 but I'm trying not to do that so I usually get a little sandwich I'll eat a bunch of turkey as 0.97

00:33:20.800 like a sedative i mean i'll do a pound of turkey to try and get to sleep because turkey bro that's

00:33:28.020 just valium with wings dude if you have enough turkey boy it's lights out son turkey has uh

00:33:34.900 um what does it have in it tetrafan tetrafan yeah turkey has tetrafan so sometimes you'll 0.99

00:33:43.880 see somebody sleep at the wheel or whatever or the cops pull you over they said damn man you 0.97

00:33:48.840 in and out of the lanes, bro. 0.99

00:33:50.660 And that's when I break out

00:33:51.780 a bag of butterball

00:33:52.840 and say, hey, look, officer. 1.00

00:33:55.480 Fuck, I've had about 30 slices tonight. 1.00

00:33:57.680 You hear me? 1.00

00:34:00.720 So who knows? 0.99

00:34:01.940 Boy, I'm fucking daddy's looped out 0.99

00:34:03.680 on that honey roasted. 0.99

00:34:07.840 So they don't know.

00:34:10.640 They hit you with that breathalyzer 1.00

00:34:13.100 and that shit registers Farmer John. 1.00

00:34:15.560 Baby, you feel me? 1.00

00:34:16.380 that breathalyzer baby they getting that shit registers 14 ounces 0.99

00:34:22.740 and that turkey time hitter boy i've had two jimmy john son hold the elephant you feel me 0.99

00:34:29.440 i've had two jimmy john freaking those little snack of dactyls and hold the elephant um

00:34:37.180 what else what else is going on man i think i'm just excited you know i was thinking this

00:34:45.640 weekend about

00:34:46.660 people have been saying recently like oh man

00:34:51.480 I'm so proud of you

00:34:52.440 and I was thinking about like

00:34:55.080 being proud and like and you know what

00:34:57.380 I was like

00:34:58.060 you know I have a really tough time

00:35:01.300 feeling proud of myself

00:35:02.800 you know and I don't know if I've ever really felt

00:35:09.140 proud of myself

00:35:10.940 you know

00:35:11.500 like I don't know exactly

00:35:15.420 what that feeling is you know i think i've felt like achievement i felt some sense of wow

00:35:23.980 but i wonder if like we have lost the like i wonder how do we know if we're feeling proud

00:35:35.080 of ourself or if we're just feeling like you know egotistical or overconfident um

00:35:43.060 you know it's tough to figure out

00:35:47.220 but I think it goes back to yeah just some time I just never could feel I never

00:35:55.040 I never felt proud of myself and it could be from a series of things maybe you know

00:36:02.100 my parents like it could have been when I was young like I didn't know

00:36:07.440 like every congratulations or anything there wasn't you know enough of that or just could

00:36:12.940 be that the way I was made at, you know, molecular level, I wasn't going to be, I wasn't that

00:36:20.660 proud parrot, you know, I was more of just like a little, you know, like a little, like

00:36:30.180 a, just a, just the little canary that couldn't, you know, or just like I never, I don't know.

00:36:38.440 i don't know what i'm talking about man my brain's leaking

00:36:42.400 um let's take another call that has come in here

00:36:47.620 the hotline as always is 985-664-9503 if you're a young fellow that's been struggling with

00:36:57.240 something or a young man or lesbian or woman or anyone native american anyone please call

00:37:06.040 and let us know if something's troubling you.

00:37:08.580 985-664-9503.

00:37:14.280 Here we go.

00:37:15.720 Theo, Dusty here from Leesburg, Georgia again.

00:37:19.160 What up, Dusty?

00:37:21.180 I appreciate you calling in, baby.

00:37:23.580 Dusty, you know what I'm saying, son.

00:37:26.940 Put some water on the ground, you feel me?

00:37:30.300 Let's hear it, Dust.

00:37:32.720 I just had to stop your latest podcast

00:37:35.180 immediately and give you a call

00:37:38.600 and tell you that

00:37:41.660 that I called the authorities in your area

00:37:45.880 to come check on you.

00:37:49.780 You know, just with, to be honest with you, man,

00:37:52.820 just with, you know, with everything that's going on,

00:37:55.260 you just saying on the internet

00:37:57.860 that you eat Pop-Tarts with no frosting on it? 1.00

00:38:02.000 I mean, clearly you're a fucking psychopath. 1.00

00:38:05.180 oh man i appreciate the call bro dude pop tarts without frosting that's how you do it 1.00

00:38:12.860 that's that that's how you show the ladies you're a man when you're young you know i'm saying i ain't 1.00

00:38:18.840 sure if i'm a child i'm not showing up with this sugary fucking little bitch rectangle 0.99

00:38:22.860 you know i ain't showing up with this little sucrose this little glucagen shape bro i show 0.99

00:38:28.960 up with that it looks fucking patented bro it looks like leather almost like a crispy 0.93

00:38:33.900 kind of edible leather i show up with that you can see the little you know the the little 0.98

00:38:39.800 the base the the cherry or whatever the strawberry trying to get out of the little

00:38:45.120 holes those little they got the little peep holes over there it's not slopped down with this big 0.73

00:38:51.400 fake hard ass frosting i like that brown that little baby and sometimes even i'll take some 0.83

00:38:57.060 peanut butter and put it on the back of that bench but i don't put it on the front i don't 0.93

00:39:01.580 cover the holes where that where the those little lava pockets where the little where that filling

00:39:07.440 is they got that filling in them and filling is something that's hiding inside of something else

00:39:12.860 you know filling a lot see it can be good or bad i mean they'll fill you they'll fill your 0.99

00:39:19.840 pop tart with strawberry they'll fill your your teeth with a metal they put metal in your damn 0.96

00:39:25.700 teeth so who is that the government but yeah man you could tell the cops to hold off bro i got 0.99

00:39:31.560 it i'm holding it down here oh i'm holding it down here man with frosting you're an adult

00:39:39.280 if you eat pop tarts with frosting and you're an adult who do you think you are 0.98

00:39:46.120 huh stephanie um what's that lady's name 0.99

00:39:51.640 fuck i don't remember stephanie something um well it's football you know it and it's a new season 0.99

00:40:00.320 And Antonio Brown's on the Raiders. 0.99

00:40:02.040 Le'Veon Bell is on the Jets.

00:40:04.700 Odell Beckham Jr. is in Cleveland.

00:40:07.300 It's ego roulette.

00:40:08.620 It's ego roulette.

00:40:10.440 But the one thing that hasn't changed is where you should put your money down on all the games.

00:40:15.740 My Bookie is the place to bet on football every weekend.

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00:40:25.160 This year, they're hosting the first online handicapping super contest.

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00:40:34.540 dollars to enter now stuff like that i really enjoy because you can kind of play it out over

00:40:40.080 a season you know i like the thing where you can do like a a bet and then you can you know some of

00:40:46.240 them they last longer than just one game or one moment all you got to do is pick five nfl games

00:40:51.820 against the spread every week to climb the leaderboard and score your share of the huge

00:40:57.600 cash prize pool my bookie also has a live in-game betting on every nfl game they got the most

00:41:04.860 rewarding player perks and i i do like betting on those oh you could bet maybe is uh you know

00:41:11.200 is one of these players going to start crying for no reason you know is somebody's going to get

00:41:15.720 served with uh you know with um parent with um you know you don't take care of your children

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00:42:04.180 oh man you know sometimes i feel like episodes are fun and sometimes i feel like i don't know 0.67

00:42:11.760 what they are man sometimes i feel like i am just fucking wandering around i sometimes i feel like 0.98

00:42:20.240 i got damn lesbians trapped inside of my body man you know i mean sometimes i feel like if you just 1.00

00:42:27.960 beat me open with a hatchet or something they'd have probably damn 60 lesbians climb out you know 1.00

00:42:34.080 so and dude i'll tell you this they had a girl that had a crush on me dude this girl kitty when 0.99

00:42:42.420 i was young and man i had a crush on her too and she was beautiful dude and they called her

00:42:50.200 kitty because she would lick her arms a lot and something about it i mean that was just sexy to me 1.00

00:42:57.540 you know when you see a girl just put rubbing her own tongue just 0.97

00:43:01.400 just damn down near her elbows for no real reason

00:43:05.620 i mean it's jesus bro that's like that's like almost like going to florida it's beautiful 0.93

00:43:14.300 and uh and i remember at recess i was so nervous remember that being young at recess you're so

00:43:21.780 nervous especially if there was a girl you were gonna see i'd be like

00:43:27.780 and then every time we saw each other when you were in like elementary school or whatever

00:43:36.760 you'd just be in a fight you'd be like we you never talked to me and then you'd write him a

00:43:43.240 letter it says you never talked to me on it real big and then it'd be like yes or no and it's like

00:43:48.960 i don't even know what's going on anymore and then have halfway through the year they hire an

00:43:54.540 attorney her family hires an attorney and they want money and so that's what i'm saying is going

00:43:59.560 on with a lot of these matches these days you know you pass them a love note they pass you back a

00:44:06.100 affidavit or whatever you know with that thing whatever they when when they want half your money

00:44:13.160 they want affidavits money hey we're gonna give you this right here so we're gonna show up to

00:44:19.360 court and she gets half dude and you get some of what you previously had and that's called that 0.92

00:44:26.880 affidavit but but damn kitty was fine bro and uh and i knew she liked milk and i know it's crazy 0.81

00:44:36.940 but that's why they called her that as a nickname and i knew she liked milk full milk not some of 1.00

00:44:41.560 that weak ass shit dude you see some of that some of that weak ass milk bruh that shit comes up a 1.00

00:44:48.500 little bit soft dude like a brother from seattle you know when you see that weak that weak milk 1.00

00:44:54.560 come on boy i want that thick thick you know i want that thick thick that kind of milk that just 1.00

00:45:03.500 tastes like it's got some real bitches in it while you're drinking it that's what i like 1.00

00:45:08.600 uh let's take another call that came in here onward hey ceo this is skyler from myrtle 1.00

00:45:15.380 beach south carolina what's up skyler over there in myrtle beach and they have a lot of exotic

00:45:19.400 animals over there in myrtle beach that's the truth onward your apprehension about having too

00:45:26.240 much on your plate man i feel like i'm in the same boat i'm in a band i'm a musician i play

00:45:32.180 in a band and solo going back to school here in a week's time and going to my first AA meeting

00:45:40.120 tonight actually first time ever dang man congrats baby boy congrats boy stand on the stoop son

00:45:48.540 stand on stand on the stoop they got the steps baby good for you man uh that's a lot onward

00:45:55.480 Yeah, the culture of alcohol really derailed something I had going for me.

00:46:01.640 I was in school to be a music teacher, kind of just let that dark art consume me, man.

00:46:07.880 I also work a temp job that's usually 40 hours a week in the daytime.

00:46:13.920 That's a lot.

00:46:15.620 That's a lot of work you got going on.

00:46:17.300 Let's hear more.

00:46:19.280 A lot on my plate as far as that's concerned.

00:46:22.160 looking forward but very nervous about my first meeting tonight and and uh i'm just real nervous

00:46:29.160 about all those things coming together at the same time and it's really got me uneasy which

00:46:36.400 gives me a lot of comfort whenever you talk about these feelings and these things and wondering how

00:46:43.640 i'm going to push through with my craft when i'm sober and completed the treatment man i just want

00:46:50.680 to say you're awesome dude well thanks man i appreciate it man uh i didn't mean to cut you

00:46:55.780 off there i just man i just don't like sometimes i just i mean i'm grateful but sometimes it's

00:47:02.660 hard to hear here i'll listen to the rest of it gang gang you're the man gang bro i appreciate

00:47:11.860 that no sometimes i just you know uh sometimes it's hard to hear people it's hard to you know

00:47:18.660 like, it's hard to, I don't know, sometimes it's, I don't know, you know, let's talk about

00:47:36.820 what you were talking about then, you know, you, yeah, it's a lot on your plate, dude,

00:47:43.580 recently man i hadn't really been 100 clean with you guys about you know i've been i had so much

00:47:50.160 on my plate and uh you know i remember when i was in arizona and i had to get fluids i wasn't

00:47:55.400 feeling good and just been exhausted when i was in phoenix and that was a couple months ago

00:47:59.660 and uh and i kept thinking like oh well i can't like complain or anything about being stressed

00:48:07.700 or overworked because everybody deals with that kind of stuff you know and i wasn't trying to

00:48:12.000 complain i just i don't know sometimes it's like we create this there's a culture sometimes where

00:48:17.720 if we are working too much then we feel like we can't say it we can't you know no matter what's

00:48:26.640 going on it's like we can't say it um and i probably should have said more often like man i

00:48:33.200 i know i kept saying i feel stressed and this and that but i just didn't realize how exhausted i'd

00:48:37.420 been i mean just exhausted it was just starting to hurt me at like a level i mean even a creative

00:48:43.120 level i just feel you know i just i don't want to burn myself completely out i want to just you know

00:48:49.400 i need to spend some time making sure that i'm okay so that i can continue to do what i love to

00:48:54.500 do and do it for everyone at a high level you know so when i do come to do the show it's going to be

00:49:00.260 it's going to be great and it's going to be something that it's a fair trade for the price

00:49:05.840 or ticket or the ticket that you're buying that i'm giving you uh i want to give you more than

00:49:10.160 your value and that's what i want to do and um so yeah i for me i had i i think i had too much

00:49:17.400 on my plate um and i wasn't doing enough to take care of myself i wasn't putting enough good stuff

00:49:23.280 into my holes you know in my face and my head or anywhere really and i'm not putting anything 0.54

00:49:29.400 really in my butt or anything like that but you know what i'm talking about so dude what if your 0.99

00:49:33.960 butt was just like a purse and it was a little easier to get into wouldn't that be crazy wouldn't 1.00

00:49:38.820 that be crazy boy you're like damn oh man i got oh shoot i gotta carry this out and i gotta carry 0.99

00:49:47.260 these whistles and i gotta carry this little bitty you know this small mattress and what am i gonna 0.98

00:49:53.260 do oh gosh you know where am i gonna what i gotta no i'm gonna carry my coffee and then 1.00

00:49:58.700 just throw those whistles into your butt 0.99

00:50:02.340 wouldn't that be great 1.00

00:50:06.440 i mean wouldn't it just be because really a kangaroo that has just like a big open butt

00:50:14.920 like that pouch is really just a big open you know kind of a really

00:50:18.320 a big long kind of big front but you know b-hole son you feel me that front b-hole that pouch 0.99

00:50:27.120 so they could they could put stuff in there and we're out here fucking you know you could barely 1.00

00:50:33.080 get anything really in your butt so i think if we you know something we could ask god for is to 0.99

00:50:39.380 loosen up our butts a little not to do anything crazy but just to help us kind of carry you know 0.97

00:50:45.240 get stuff out to the car that's all i'm saying um but you know i think the pro the the benefits

00:50:53.100 It's a 12 step for 12 step programs and recovery programs can be astronomical for people.

00:50:58.440 And even just that, you know, I was thinking sometimes I'm too hard on myself and sometimes I just want to I want I want to know what I'm capable of.

00:51:09.640 And, you know, and it's you have to learn the balance.

00:51:13.420 And you got to calibrate that.

00:51:17.920 But, yeah, if you have a lot on your plate, man, then just eat one thing at once.

00:51:22.300 it's okay sometimes now that's two things if you put a lot on your plate but just eat one thing at

00:51:29.020 a time you know don't leave you know half of a bite here and half of a bite here and you but

00:51:34.700 you know half your mouth has got this and that and everything um and i say yes to too many things i

00:51:41.980 want to do too much and that's part of one of my character defects is my character wants to do

00:51:49.000 everything so it'll say yes a lot and then who i my everything i am as a person i can't keep up

00:51:56.740 um but i'm learning you know i looked up stress and a lot of things like that and i'm

00:52:03.800 you know trying to see a uh you know about getting more fitness going and things that are just going

00:52:08.320 to help me take care of myself better so just you know be careful out there man and um and i

00:52:13.840 appreciate the warm words i think i have a tough time hearing compliments sometimes uh

00:52:18.540 And so that's, you know, that's tough for me.

00:52:21.520 And when I'm feeling a little bit better, I'll go into that more.

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00:55:45.580 That's Skillshare.com slash Theo Vaughn.

00:55:49.820 I'm going to be going to Biloxi next weekend.

00:55:52.260 That show is on.

00:55:55.460 And again, I'm sorry about the Brea shows.

00:55:57.380 I know I keep saying it, but I'm really bummed out.

00:56:01.880 But, you know, I just have to be smart.

00:56:04.360 I have to take care of myself.

00:56:05.740 You know, I think I was afraid to tell people how bad I was really struggling with, you know, the way I was feeling and stuff because when you're doing well, nobody wants to hear that you're not doing well.

00:56:17.260 You know, nobody wants to hear that the guy that's, you know, doing great on the outside, that he's feeling trouble on the inside or that he's burnt out.

00:56:25.280 Nobody wants to hear that.

00:56:27.360 And so you just keep going and you keep going and you keep going.

00:56:30.320 and um and you know i'm like i have to remember that i'm a i'm a you know i'm a performer i'm

00:56:38.800 an entertainer i'm an artist i like to you know i like to be creative bro and so i don't want to

00:56:46.380 you know it's just been a whirlwind year and i have to be careful and i got to manage my

00:56:52.380 capabilities and what i'm capable of um so um you know out of the blue when this film came up it was

00:57:00.980 like oh this is exciting this is something that you know this is you know this is an amazing

00:57:07.840 opportunity in some regard it's also real scary in other regard you know i don't want people

00:57:13.200 looking at me like some kind of movie guy you know this is my joy this is what i love doing

00:57:19.800 and doing stand-up.

00:57:22.740 I mean, I'm a comedian.

00:57:23.780 I mean, I've been on the road for 15 years

00:57:26.520 doing stand-up comedy.

00:57:31.040 You know, I don't even know how many weekends a year.

00:57:33.140 30, 40?

00:57:36.940 30.

00:57:37.420 I would say 30, not 40.

00:57:38.700 That would be the line.

00:57:40.360 Let's take another call here.

00:57:42.060 And I'm not complaining.

00:57:43.000 I'm just...

00:57:44.000 i don't know it's like i just uh

00:57:51.640 you know i just don't have that thing inside of me that will tell me when it when it's like hey

00:57:58.300 man you you know you've done enough right now you you know you're doing enough there's just

00:58:04.860 that crazy person inside of me that's just like you know you know that's just always kind of

00:58:14.280 saying oh you got to do more you got to do more you're not doing enough um all right let's take

00:58:21.300 one more call here here we go hey theo this is uh william bell qm1 united states navy just want

00:58:28.800 let you know uh billy bell from the u.s naval thank you very much brother and um we love you

00:58:36.000 guys thanks for being in the navy brother gang appreciate everything you do me and a bunch of

00:58:40.560 the guys listening to the podcast on deployment man and sometimes it felt like uh that was the

00:58:45.380 only thing that got us through some of them hot uh nights out there in the gulf oh definitely boy

00:58:50.720 and that's when you got to find a man with cool skin bro or a woman now the good thing about the

00:58:55.100 navy and the air force they got some beautiful babies in there these days dude hell if you've

00:59:00.140 been on if you've been deployed long enough you might even find a man with just long hair 1.00

00:59:03.560 and just have him look the other way and just but you know and just you know right right vagina 0.99

00:59:08.920 next to his little b-hole or something or be wild or something but but anyway man enough of the uh 0.99

00:59:14.420 gay jokes i know people always do that about the navy and everything but i hope you also i will 1.00

00:59:19.540 say this bro to the armed forces if we fight somebody next i hope you guys beat their ass 0.99

00:59:24.240 bro how about that gang onward but uh just want to appreciate everything you do uh and uh love 0.99

00:59:30.700 you man gang gang gang gang man and thanks for your service and um thanks for your service man

00:59:37.820 you know i don't know what the future is going to hold but 0.99

00:59:41.360 if shit gets out of hand let's all meet in colorado or texas or something and fucking hold it down 0.97

00:59:47.420 uh let's take this one last call here 985-664-9503 uh thank you guys for being with us 0.99

00:59:55.900 for being here today um yeah i just don't feel like myself i don't feel like myself you know

01:00:02.640 i'm just tired of not feeling like myself and so i'm trying to figure out what is going on

01:00:07.240 with me a little bit uh so yeah just it's just been a lot going on this past month man um

01:00:16.500 but i'm excited we got those new europe dates you know that's amazing it's going to be january

01:00:21.240 good dude you don't think i was so excited about coming over to another to you know another part

01:00:25.780 of the world and being being good and doing that you know man i was so excited i was going to go

01:00:32.000 to dubai see my boys fight cruise out of there stop in istanbul for four days and then go to

01:00:37.420 the tour that was my plan and uh and so now i gotta fight aliens i just don't know if ever in

01:00:45.020 my life will i have the opportunity to go fight aliens like this now being friends with eddie

01:00:52.340 bravo you got a chance to fight aliens probably a couple times in your life but this should be

01:00:58.280 interesting um you know and we did it our way you know i did it just by being myself and i don't 0.94

01:01:07.100 have to do some character or be somebody else's you know pigeon or fucking work under some you 0.98

01:01:13.120 you know, do some bullshit character. 0.99

01:01:16.360 This character was like, oh, you can be you. 0.99

01:01:19.440 And I said, damn, man, that's going to be something fun for everybody 0.96

01:01:22.960 and not just for me. 0.98

01:01:26.800 Okay, let's take this call.

01:01:28.000 Here we go, man.

01:01:28.700 And thank everybody for the calls.

01:01:30.140 And thank you guys so much for your support.

01:01:32.000 A lot of nice calls that came in this week, too, just being supportive.

01:01:34.900 So thank you so much.

01:01:36.500 Onward.

01:01:37.340 Hey, Dio.

01:01:38.460 Cam, Charlotte, North Carolina.

01:01:41.140 What's up, Cam from Charlotte?

01:01:43.120 and that's uh charlotte is a woman's name too it's also a city so you know what i'm saying

01:01:49.680 sometimes if you see a dude just humping the air in the middle of town you say dang what's going

01:01:53.980 on boy you say oh i'm just getting a little bit of charlotte you feel me good good 20 years old

01:02:01.100 young buck trying to figure out my way in life 20 years old right there double decades right here

01:02:07.740 onward brother i got a problem with these sweaty hands man my dad had problems with it tells me

01:02:14.200 not to worry about it but comes a problem on dates man and uh oh you got them sweaty hands huh

01:02:19.860 you got them leaky mitts baby tell me more just wondering some advice that maybe you could give

01:02:25.180 a young guy sweaty hands trying to figure out this world man oh you got that drip shake huh

01:02:31.240 i can only imagine man you try to shake somebody's hand and you and your daddy probably can't even

01:02:36.300 a handshake because it's just like a just like two like two fists trying to uh just like two 0.93

01:02:42.800 fists trying to hug and they can't it's like hmm damn onward thank you and uh if you give me a 0.88

01:02:51.000 little advice on what to do with these hitters thanks man you got them leaky hitters bro i mean 0.96

01:02:57.340 the only thing you can do marry a plumber you know that's the old joke if you got sweaty hands 0.95

01:03:01.260 you marry a plumber but damn boy you got them sweaty hands that's trouble hmm yeah that's a 0.96

01:03:10.020 tough one man because i mean you could keep like i don't know if you've ever been to the gymnasium 0.99

01:03:14.960 but they have this little thing of chalk sometimes i guess people die there a lot or whatever and

01:03:20.080 they'll put it on their hands or something or um you know if they're doing uh you know um i guess

01:03:26.620 i don't know i don't know what it's for really but people put it on their hands there

01:03:30.760 and you can do it too so you can put one of those in the vehicle or something

01:03:35.500 um what else you could hold the hand hold your hands out of the window when you drive

01:03:42.440 so you know you could hold your hands right out of the car window when you drive like a little uh 0.89

01:03:47.200 like a little bichon and they do that sometimes and hang your tongue out or something to kind of 0.99

01:03:52.660 cool them bad them bad boys off because those are that's those fucking front grippers baby 0.98

01:03:59.220 them hands you got a pair of them and i mean yeah i don't know what else you could do dude get some 0.99

01:04:06.280 gloves or something get some cinnamon put a you know or do something like seasonal some uh

01:04:11.480 oregon not oregon uh a little bit of ganger you feel me that ganger get you some of those

01:04:18.240 gang you know or crumble up some ganger snaps or whatever and put them on the front get you right

01:04:22.940 but yeah you need some type of a dust to cover it now that there's a surgery you can get you

01:04:27.960 got to get the glands sawed out of your hands so i don't know where you want to do that at but 0.80

01:04:34.040 but i would say i think it's a lot of girls will think it's cute too you know just tell them they

01:04:40.960 make you nervous or something i think now that's a good way in the beginning say oh yeah you know

01:04:46.820 oh hey violet you know you're really making me nervous you know my hands are really just leaking

01:04:52.680 for you or get you some special gloves some gloves that match like your pants like brennan 0.99

01:04:58.360 schaub is like a guy that will wear some fucking weird gloves so do some shit like that and do 0.98

01:05:03.700 something but i think if a girl said man your hands are real wet i would say look well look 0.99

01:05:14.780 hey i'll get wet if you get wet you feel me now that's kind of perverse but that's you know that's

01:05:20.420 not a real Christian way to go about it, but that's something you could do. And what

01:05:24.720 else? Man, the truth is somebody's going to love your damn wet hands. They probably 1.00

01:05:34.460 got a lady out there sitting around with dry, ashy hands. You know, some lady, she 1.00

01:05:41.240 just, she's just leaving just real intense fingerprints everywhere she goes. And people 1.00

01:05:47.660 say damn i mean you probably can't play solitaire because the cards get all kind of law waterlogged 0.97

01:05:53.660 up you know they get all you know they swole a little but but they got some dry dry lady out 0.99

01:06:02.500 there i mean look at this your mother your father major and he's he you know he got them drippy mitts

01:06:08.300 so it's all we've all got something bro you know i feel like i've been losing my hair dude that's

01:06:16.700 scary you know i got a big nose right on the front of my face dude you know how much easier it would

01:06:22.040 be if my nose was on the back of my face way easier but you know we've all got some kind of 0.98

01:06:31.920 thing you know i got those fucking people don't want to talk about them a lot those clavies i 1.00

01:06:37.700 got those up top hitters baby them high ribs and them bitches are beautiful but you don't see those 1.00

01:06:42.820 a lot you know so we all have things about ourselves that we don't really enjoy so i think 1.00

01:06:49.380 if you got some you know just tell them you've been doing laundry or something you could do that

01:06:54.460 uh but the unique thing about it is there's somebody else out there that's got it just

01:06:59.820 like you your father and you have somebody to talk about it with and if anything it's a gift

01:07:06.600 man what if you and your father had nothing in common

01:07:08.560 you know i'd give anything for to have something you know to be able to talk to my father not only

01:07:15.080 talk to him but about something we had in common blame him you also have somebody to blame these

01:07:20.500 days you could take your daddy to court sue him boy the state versus drip drop you feel me

01:07:28.560 but i think it's something you have in common with your father and he cares about you

01:07:34.860 you know he's damp with affection for his son he's damp with sentiment for his boy 0.98

01:07:40.940 and that could be anything coming out of your hands dude who could you know who knows man damn 0.98

01:07:46.700 that could be that body skeet boy that could be the lord trying to just 0.90

01:07:51.060 just really blossom right out of your palms so there's a lot going on with you man and

01:07:57.420 i think there's supposed to be you know you don't want to have a dry existence

01:08:02.060 so i would put some you know maybe there's like a powder that's real fine people wouldn't notice

01:08:08.280 you could put in your pockets uh you could wear gloves really cool chill gloves or something

01:08:14.920 fashion's gotten so weird you could almost do whatever you want um you could do some blue

01:08:22.160 jean gloves or something like that something that's really kind of unique or like rocky uh

01:08:26.560 Rocky. Remember, he wore that, and he just had a lisp, so he didn't even, he wasn't even that

01:08:31.860 fashionable. He had speech impediment, and he fucking, you know, wore mittens, so Jesus Christ, 0.98

01:08:38.060 Brian, he had a great career, but I think there's a lot of possibility for you, man, and I love you, 0.99

01:08:42.780 Brian. I hope when I see you, dude, you fucking shake me, you shake my hand with one of those 0.88

01:08:46.760 wet bitches, baby, because I'm gonna grip that thing, and I'm gonna pull you in, daddy, and give 1.00

01:08:51.300 you that one-handed fucking that fucking lava lock baby that love that fucking one-handed fucking 1.00

01:08:57.420 love hustle real fast boy that half a hug you feel me i'm in and out oh okay uh i gotta go to 1.00

01:09:07.580 atlanta man they say they say look man we gotta fly you out here we gotta do all of that so we

01:09:13.340 got a week of training and uh and that just means like going over rehearsals and looking at things

01:09:19.580 and stuff like that and you know I think the scariest thing for me is that I've been doing

01:09:25.440 things you know podcasting is stand-up it's your own thing and I have to work with others here

01:09:31.260 and I'm definitely excited it's going to be cool but it's just you know I have to remember that so

01:09:39.200 I gotta you know it's not about me it's about a project everybody's trying to do you know I'm

01:09:45.900 hoping to learn and i'm hoping to have an experience that i could share with others

01:09:50.900 and i mean you guys so gang gang um yeah we'll see you guys next time and uh

01:10:02.660 and yeah be good to yourselves i i am having a tough time like connecting with myself

01:10:07.800 so that's been really really tough for me so i i feel like sometimes

01:10:14.680 you know I don't know what's going on

01:10:18.020 but everything's going to be okay

01:10:19.520 I do know that I believe that

01:10:22.080 and

01:10:23.220 just got to stay

01:10:26.520 in the pocket

01:10:27.460 you know stay in the pocket

01:10:29.940 in one moment at a time

01:10:31.260 and don't get on future trip

01:10:33.960 and stay in

01:10:35.880 gratitude

01:10:36.320 you know

01:10:38.900 I mean we all have a lot to be grateful

01:10:41.980 for

01:10:42.400 you know we all do

01:10:44.600 and we're all listening

01:10:48.540 we're right here right now

01:10:49.860 and thank you guys for being a part of my life

01:10:52.580 man, be good to yourself

01:10:54.280 and I hope you deserve it

01:10:56.460 I'm so grateful that I have

01:10:57.680 you know I have something

01:11:01.700 you know when they say you want to come do this thing

01:11:06.240 I didn't just think oh yeah years ago

01:11:08.000 I thought oh yeah my first thought was man

01:11:09.960 I'm going to have to do my podcast

01:11:14.680 You know, how am I going to do it?

01:11:17.600 You know, what am I going to do?

01:11:22.900 And so, you know, no Sunday episodes will stop.

01:11:28.160 That won't stop at all, or no Monday episodes.

01:11:30.840 But I'm going to cut back on some guest episodes because I need to for my own well-being.

01:11:37.320 And that's as far as I know right now.

01:11:39.020 And that could, you know, I don't think that would change, but that's the goal right now, you know.

01:11:47.140 And so I'm going to be good to myself because I know I deserve it.

01:11:50.200 You guys tell me that all the time when I see you in person.

01:11:53.100 So thank you very much.

01:11:54.480 And you do the same for yourself.

01:11:57.660 She's got eyes of fire that burn like a shot of whiskey.

01:12:02.500 And she's been known 1.00

01:12:08.520 To bring a man to his knees 1.00

01:12:12.120 She'll take all you have 1.00

01:12:16.700 And you never see her coming

01:12:19.460 And that's how I know 1.00

01:12:23.680 The devil is a woman 0.99

01:12:32.500 Well, Mr. Johnson knows 1.00

01:12:37.540 Cause he saw her up close in the desert

01:12:40.600 Said, ma'am, if you don't mind

01:12:46.100 Would you tune this guitar for me? 1.00

01:12:52.240 But she took his soul

01:12:54.120 And she broke his heart just for fun

01:12:57.460 And that's how I know 1.00

01:13:01.980 The devil is a woman 1.00

01:13:05.780 As I know 1.00

01:13:10.900 Temptation is her game

01:13:19.840 She'll make you want to 1.00

01:13:23.940 Anything that she wants you to

01:13:31.980 And just when you think that you understand her, everything changes, oh, everything changes.

01:13:46.160 And that's how I go.

01:13:49.600 and enjoy your first meeting brother

01:14:02.420 I hope you enjoy your first meeting man

01:14:03.860 I'm about to go to one two myself right now

01:14:05.900 so

01:14:19.600 Charlie swears that he saw her somewhere down in Georgia

01:14:39.600 He says she plays a pretty mean fiddle, it's true

01:14:44.600 Oh, but even though you got that fiddle of gold 0.99

01:14:51.680 She will never admit that she won

01:14:54.720 And that's how I know 1.00

01:14:58.980 The devil is a woman 1.00

01:15:02.600 Yeah, that's how I know 1.00

01:15:08.040 The devil is a woman 1.00

01:15:14.600 Oh yeah, yeah, I know, yeah, yeah, I know. 1.00

01:15:33.600 guitar solo

01:16:03.600 ladies and gentlemen i'm jonathan kite and welcome to kite club a podcast where i'll be

01:16:26.580 sharing thoughts on things like current events stand-up stories and seven ways to pleasure your

01:16:31.700 partner, the answer may shock

01:16:33.740 you. Sometimes I'll interview my

01:16:35.580 friends. Sometimes I won't.

01:16:38.180 And as always, I'll be joined

01:16:39.580 by the voices in my head.

01:16:41.100 You have three new voice messages.

01:16:44.100 A lot of people are talking

01:16:45.720 about Kite Club. I've been talking

01:16:47.820 about Kite Club for so long.

01:16:49.700 Longer than anybody else. So great.

01:16:52.680 Hi.

01:16:53.320 Here's a deal.

01:16:55.620 Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club 1.00

01:16:57.480 is a dodgy bloody wanker. 1.00

01:16:59.600 Jermaine. 1.00

01:17:00.200 I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry

01:17:04.540 I think Tom Hanks just butt dialed me

01:17:11.360 Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is

01:17:13.760 Tell everyone about Kite Club

01:17:15.460 Second rule of Kite Club is

01:17:17.400 Tell everyone about Kite Club

01:17:19.660 Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts

01:17:23.320 Or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

01:17:25.680 And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - August 26, 2019

Drippy Mitts ｜ This Past Weekend #226

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