This Past Weekend with Theo Von - August 10, 2020


E291 When Flavor Hits


Episode Stats

Length

1 hour and 19 minutes

Words per Minute

136.1441

Word Count

10,796

Sentence Count

1,093

Misogynist Sentences

53

Hate Speech Sentences

34


Summary

Butterscotch and scotch are the first flavors to hit the scene in the late 80's and early 90's. Do you remember when they first hit the market? Do you know where you were when you were introduced to the flavor?


Transcript

00:00:00.000 Yeah, when I was young, it, you know, it wasn't, it wasn't there.
00:00:07.360 I mean, I remember when Butterscotch first hit the scene and they didn't, it just people, people were shocked.
00:00:19.660 You know, people, they didn't know what to do.
00:00:21.620 I remember, you know, people covering their children's eyes and, you know, people just hanging garlic on their door.
00:00:30.860 And all the people that just, because it had never been, you know, this is back when they only had a certain amount of flavors in existence.
00:00:41.540 You know, they had strawberry and they had vanilla, they had chocolate.
00:00:46.900 Those are easy.
00:00:47.860 That's basic.
00:00:49.360 That's your natural three.
00:00:51.940 You know, and then somebody come along with a mint.
00:00:55.780 Somebody come along with a banana.
00:00:57.600 And, you know, when then the flavor, the flavor, the palate, you know, the flavor rainbow was getting thicker.
00:01:10.000 And then somebody added in, I don't even know what they added in at that point, peanut butter, bacon, you know, raspberry.
00:01:21.360 Some asshole said, hey, what about raspberry?
00:01:23.660 And people said, oh, all right.
00:01:26.720 Dang it.
00:01:27.320 And things was getting wild.
00:01:30.040 And then I remember butterscotch hit.
00:01:34.680 And I remember where I was, man.
00:01:36.460 I was in second grade and I was in math class and I didn't know what was going on.
00:01:44.060 You know, they were talking about, you know, addition and subtraction.
00:01:48.680 And I just, I mean, my world was just starting to damn fall apart.
00:01:55.060 And somebody handed me one of them, one of them BS's, baby, just wrapped up in a beautiful little cellophane skirt.
00:02:04.900 You notice it in a little damn plastic straitjacket just sealed off at both ends.
00:02:09.320 And I opened that bastard up and I put it in my mouth and I just, it was like somebody had just, I mean, it was butter and scotch, you know, it just, people didn't know.
00:02:25.400 It didn't, you, nobody done anything like this.
00:02:28.980 You know, maybe you'd seen it written on a toilet wall or something, you know.
00:02:33.400 Larry loves butter and Larry loves scotch.
00:02:36.160 But you'd never see Larry loves butter, scotch, you wouldn't see, it just, people, it just, and then it hit the scene and it was, you know, all the fatties, all the thicky thicks out there wanted that butter.
00:02:49.860 And all the drunken drips out there wanted that scotch.
00:02:53.880 And you'd see people fist fighting for him.
00:02:58.160 You know, you'd see people just beating their damn stepdaddies with a freaking, you know, just beat, you'd see somebody beating.
00:03:06.160 Somebody else with a damn bike chain for a damn Werther's, you know.
00:03:11.960 It was just, it was a different time, baby.
00:03:17.620 It was a different time, man.
00:03:19.740 God is good, brother.
00:03:20.820 Let's get into it, gang.
00:03:21.960 Let me holler at you, come on, step outside.
00:03:32.540 You got ten dollars, don't you, then we go right.
00:03:35.680 Let me holler at you, step outside.
00:03:39.920 I'm in the trunk out the trunk.
00:03:42.880 Let's go get drunk outdoors.
00:03:45.960 Ready to let it dance floors.
00:03:48.960 Let's go get drunk outdoors.
00:03:50.840 Now we're cooking with gas on the front burner.
00:03:59.880 Hot wind gas station down on the corner.
00:04:03.000 Cooking with gas on the front burner.
00:04:06.420 Come on.
00:04:07.280 I'm in the trunk out the trunk.
00:04:10.140 Let's go get drunk outdoors.
00:04:12.840 Let's go get drunk outdoors.
00:04:16.040 Let's go get drunk outdoors.
00:04:18.040 If you got money, you can get a little bit.
00:04:24.020 If you got money, get that hitter.
00:04:27.000 If you got money, you can get a little bit.
00:04:30.360 If you got money, get that hitter.
00:04:33.240 Damn, that right there is the North Mississippi All-Stars and a beautiful conglomerate of sound and emotion there called Drunk Outdoors.
00:04:56.280 And that is off their album Up and Rolling.
00:05:02.260 And they included that.
00:05:04.600 They were thinking about us when they put this hit together.
00:05:10.560 And I was in a bathroom this weekend and I saw a poster for them on the wall.
00:05:14.300 As I was holding my penis and urinating.
00:05:21.660 And that's beautiful, man.
00:05:24.600 Good to be here with you.
00:05:27.660 And it is another week we start just tumbling down the hill.
00:05:35.380 Just rattling along the road.
00:05:39.580 You know, we are that tumbleweed.
00:05:43.240 Heavy on the tumble, baby.
00:05:46.340 Heavy on the weed as well.
00:05:49.340 And we just keep riding this dirty breeze.
00:05:55.140 That is this disease, man.
00:05:59.180 That's doing whatever.
00:06:00.600 You know, it's out there lung chasing these senior citizens.
00:06:06.960 I mean, you know, a lot of seniors are locked up right now.
00:06:10.260 You won't see them.
00:06:11.640 As it should be.
00:06:15.360 But yeah, where were you when a flavor hit?
00:06:17.860 Do you remember?
00:06:19.400 Do you remember where you were when you first learned about a flavor?
00:06:26.500 Because I remember that butterscotch, baby.
00:06:30.600 That thing came across the aisle.
00:06:32.380 It had been, you know, probably smuggled into, who knows, into the country.
00:06:36.620 Probably from the Midwest.
00:06:40.020 You know, smuggled into the country but already in the country, you know, kind of deal.
00:06:44.860 And it had probably been in six, seven children's hands at school before it hit my hand.
00:06:49.200 And I opened that beautiful little brown bitch up, that little mixed mofo.
00:06:58.340 You know, and I'd never had anything brown in my mouth, son.
00:07:01.180 And, you know, I was young, you know, and, and I hit, you know, and I put that thing and I just didn't, I, it was just when you first had a, when you first had a taste of something new.
00:07:16.080 You didn't know things could, you didn't know things could exist, man.
00:07:23.560 And I'll be, I mean, every now and then, still, I got to pull my damn car over if I think too much about a Werther's Originals.
00:07:29.200 If I think too much about a, you know, a unique type of caramel candy, I got to pull a damn car over.
00:07:38.520 You know, take a break.
00:07:42.100 You know, maybe listen to a little Jeff Buckley or something.
00:07:44.700 I got to pull the car over and relax.
00:07:48.340 You know, I miss, sometimes I miss the, the innovation of being young, of being new in the world.
00:08:03.780 Because everything you saw was new.
00:08:07.520 You saw somebody, you know, maybe you saw two homeless people, you know, one of them ripping the other one's tooth out.
00:08:14.260 Out, out by the donut shop, doing bootleg dental.
00:08:22.220 And it, it just, but it was beautiful, it was new.
00:08:28.340 You know, maybe you see a man hugging somebody in his family too hard.
00:08:35.860 But, you know, you hadn't, you'd never seen it like that.
00:08:41.680 It was new.
00:08:44.260 You know, you just, things were different.
00:08:47.880 You just, I, there was, I like the novelty of being youthful and of, of just, of nouveau.
00:08:55.980 Of things being exciting.
00:08:57.540 There's something beautiful about that.
00:09:00.380 Of somebody hitting you with that, with a new taste.
00:09:04.700 Here's a spare rib.
00:09:06.000 And you're like, well, what is this?
00:09:07.460 Is it, you know, I thought it was from the dang Bible when I read it on a menu.
00:09:12.200 I said, well, damn, is it, you know, is, does the, does the church run this place?
00:09:20.000 And my mom say, no, this, this damn ground Patty Jr.
00:09:23.340 This ain't, the church, I have nothing to do with this joint.
00:09:26.300 You know, just ignorance and, and, and, and, and dining.
00:09:34.960 That's when it all merged.
00:09:37.320 Um, what's going on?
00:09:40.360 I've just, just, I got back from Nashville.
00:09:42.780 I had a nice time.
00:09:44.760 Some people say Nashville.
00:09:46.360 Some people say Nashville.
00:09:47.540 And people that say Nashville are obviously out of their damn tongues, brother.
00:09:53.840 You know that.
00:09:56.340 But I had a nice time and I went out there to Percy Priest.
00:10:01.020 Uh, lake.
00:10:04.560 Camping lake area.
00:10:07.360 Kind of place you can go missing easy.
00:10:09.200 That kind of joint.
00:10:11.900 Went out there swimming.
00:10:13.240 Just, you know, I wanted to get in that local water.
00:10:16.040 I want, I like, I like to, you know, I want to, that's the kind of place will cure your jock itch, you know.
00:10:24.200 That kind of thing.
00:10:25.200 You know, you dip locally, bro.
00:10:26.640 You, dude, you won't scratch, man.
00:10:30.380 Because every, uh, June and July, I really come along that southern, you know, that summer, I got that summer scratch going.
00:10:38.240 And one half of the inside of my, you know, near my body, near my, you know, near my little,
00:10:46.040 my little life bag, my little hot sack there, you know, near my little, them jolly raunchers, you know, near my nuts.
00:10:57.040 And I get jock itch around them.
00:10:58.720 And there's no shame in it.
00:11:02.140 You know, I told the man about the church, I remember when I was probably 24, I told this man, I was in South Carolina,
00:11:09.580 and I went in there to the little booth or whatever, the photo booth or whatever, wherever you tell the man the stuff you've been doing that's wrong.
00:11:17.580 And I said, damn, baby boy, you know, I didn't say it just like that, but I said, you know, DBB, you know, your honor.
00:11:26.480 I said, I've been, I've been having, you know, jock itch.
00:11:33.580 You know what I'm saying?
00:11:34.560 I've been scratching right around the old devil's appendix, man, my nuts.
00:11:37.860 And, man, I think, honestly, I think the guy wanted to see my damn nuts, dude.
00:11:45.180 It was, I mean, you know, some of these, you know, some of these churches, when you get really, when you stop by in the daytime,
00:11:51.020 that's when the real shady stuff can happen.
00:11:52.980 But, yeah, I had a beautiful time in Nashville, man.
00:11:56.720 You know, went swimming out there at Percy Priest State Park.
00:12:01.040 I walk up, and some lady just sitting in a little folding chair just yelling at some lady, yelling at some kid named Audrey.
00:12:11.140 Audrey! Audrey!
00:12:15.780 And there was a little breeze.
00:12:17.240 I don't think the woman could tell there was a breeze coming in off the lake, head right at, just pointing right at her mouth.
00:12:22.480 So all her words were not going very far.
00:12:25.380 And this lady must have yelled Audrey 200 times.
00:12:29.040 Audrey! Audrey!
00:12:33.040 Audrey!
00:12:34.380 Get off, Audrey!
00:12:37.740 And little Audrey, brother, look, I ain't saying she gonna, you know, live a wild life, but this little bitch didn't give a dang, bruh.
00:12:47.880 Little Audrey didn't give a S-H-I-T, baby boy.
00:12:53.820 Audrey, get off, Audrey!
00:12:55.760 Hooray!
00:12:57.460 And this little smokestack, this little lady, she was puffing on it, you know, she was, you know, just locomotiving on the back end of that Winston, baby, just hitting that sucker hard.
00:13:08.620 And, uh, and it was nice, man.
00:13:14.220 I had a nice time over there.
00:13:15.400 I met this white guy, stopped by, and he let me drive a nice, he had a real cool truck, an old truck.
00:13:22.500 This thing got it kind of made, it's not really painted, but it's almost like they just rub the rust right on the sides of it, and it just, you know, kind of thing.
00:13:30.900 You got to get a tetanus shot if you want to switch into third gear, you know, one of those old trucks.
00:13:38.920 Um, and yeah, just enjoyed myself, man.
00:13:43.500 Really enjoyed myself.
00:13:45.480 Um, what else did I do?
00:13:47.220 Oh, man.
00:13:48.580 Oh, this was the worst, dude.
00:13:51.480 I hit a, uh, you know, I hit a dog with my car.
00:13:56.740 At night, I hit an animal, you know, a little animal, you know, a fast little animal, a dog.
00:14:02.920 You've seen, you know, a dog, and, um, and that, dude, I'm driving, right?
00:14:07.940 And I'm not under the influence of anything except being a little too emotional, bro, and, you know, being maybe a little bit of a bitch sometimes, and, you know, I can't find my retainer.
00:14:18.320 I haven't been able to find it for about a month, so that's the only things I'm really under the influence of.
00:14:23.140 And, um, and this dog, this white dog, comes running.
00:14:29.680 I mean, galloping, really.
00:14:31.940 I mean, it almost looked like a real fast little pony.
00:14:34.440 You know, real, just, you know, just like a damn, like, America's fastest little pony.
00:14:41.000 Like, one, almost like one of them little Japanese animals you see on the Instagram.
00:14:44.820 When they giving them pills over there in Japan and getting them doped up.
00:14:48.680 And a little, you know, they got a little cat or a little tiger, little bichon or something, got his tongue hanging out of his mouth.
00:14:55.940 And they got to squeeze his neck real hard to get his eyes open.
00:15:00.840 You know, and they say he's a, you know, oh, he's a miracle animal.
00:15:04.200 You know, oh, he's a, you know, everybody loves him.
00:15:10.500 Yeah, but he don't have any feeling in his body.
00:15:12.520 You know what I'm saying?
00:15:13.080 That little thing is, you know, he's on so many somas.
00:15:16.000 You know, he's on so many percocets.
00:15:17.600 This little damn animal, little Mickey or whatever his name was, little NJ or whatever they call him.
00:15:23.920 But anyway, sorry.
00:15:25.640 So this dog comes just, just running.
00:15:28.140 And then I slam on the brakes.
00:15:30.620 And it was up.
00:15:31.360 They had like a greyhound station over there.
00:15:32.860 And I couldn't see at first.
00:15:33.980 I mean, the dog was, it was in front of my car.
00:15:37.360 And I hit, you know, and I hit it, man.
00:15:39.420 I didn't hit it, but I hit.
00:15:41.660 I slammed on my brakes.
00:15:42.760 I didn't feel anything.
00:15:43.700 I didn't feel a thump or a hit or, or anything, man.
00:15:47.700 And I just was frozen in my car.
00:15:51.200 And then two people came running up.
00:15:54.080 You know, this one guy, kind of a, kind of chocolatey kind of guy.
00:15:59.480 And then this other lady, more of a Rubenesque kind of white lady.
00:16:05.760 You know, kind of lady looked like, you know, I don't, and she didn't have a lot of teeth.
00:16:12.320 I will say that.
00:16:13.220 I'm not judging her.
00:16:15.540 You know, you don't need teeth.
00:16:18.060 A lot of people, teeth is overrated.
00:16:21.560 You know, teeth is something, that's a delicacy according to this gal.
00:16:26.260 You know, she didn't have any teeth.
00:16:27.460 She didn't have them.
00:16:29.420 I don't know who had them, but, but she, you know, she didn't.
00:16:34.920 And, and anyway, so they start yelling.
00:16:39.680 And they say, back up, back the truck up.
00:16:43.240 And man, I'm just, I'm just, just, just scared, man.
00:16:46.760 I'm just sitting.
00:16:47.340 So I back up about five feet and I'm in like an intersection.
00:16:50.520 It's, it's not real busy, but I'm around maybe 6th and, and MLK Junior Boulevard.
00:17:01.900 And, and then, then, then I see the dog and he's laying there and he was like a little pit bull kind of dog.
00:17:08.840 And, and he just wasn't moving or anything.
00:17:14.420 And so I didn't know what to do, man.
00:17:17.060 And next thing you know, the lady's over by the window, this lady.
00:17:20.660 And she kind of, she reminded me of like Grover or like Oscar to Grouch or something a little.
00:17:25.420 But kind of sexier, but also, you know, greyhound sexy kind of, you know, kind of lady that, you know, she probably had skin cancer, bro.
00:17:37.620 I'll be honest with you.
00:17:39.960 You know, if I had to guess, dude.
00:17:45.240 Anyway, man, she, so she starts saying, oh, he needs CPR.
00:17:50.620 He needs CPR.
00:17:52.300 Then other people are starting to migrate over from the bus station.
00:17:55.920 It's right there.
00:17:56.500 So then this other lady says, I'll do CPR for $80.
00:18:02.260 And I'm like, what?
00:18:03.800 You know, I'm thinking that, you know, this is some kind of a scam, a scam or something.
00:18:09.340 But the dog is, I mean, I saw the dog running.
00:18:11.460 There's no way I don't think they could get the dog to lay there and pretend that, you know, I don't know.
00:18:18.620 So anyway, I gave the lady the $80.
00:18:20.540 She starts doing CPR on the dog.
00:18:22.700 And, and they couldn't get it.
00:18:25.880 They couldn't get it to breathe, man.
00:18:28.820 And, and this is sad, man.
00:18:30.640 The whole thing was sad and it happened fast.
00:18:33.020 And then the lady, you know, she was just so angry at me.
00:18:39.160 And I, man, there was nothing I could have done.
00:18:41.660 And, like, I'd never seen a dog running this fast.
00:18:45.160 It was just galloping.
00:18:46.980 Like, it was just in a damn contest or something.
00:18:49.720 Like a, you know, just like a damn, like a little, like a galloping contest or something.
00:18:55.520 You know, a quickness.
00:18:57.720 You know, like it had been going to quickness classes and this was its, you know, midterm.
00:19:03.140 And that bat, you know, that little beautiful animal, it, uh, anyway, I don't, so she starts getting upset.
00:19:11.660 And I don't know what she's yelling either.
00:19:14.440 You know, she kind of had like a, kind of like a puppet.
00:19:18.100 You know, sometimes if someone doesn't have any teeth in her mouth, you get a vibe that they have that, they seem like a puppet.
00:19:24.440 You know, because a lot of puppets, they don't put teeth in her mouth.
00:19:27.780 It's just cloth and just somebody's hand under, you know, behind it and under it.
00:19:33.780 And so she said, that's how she was.
00:19:35.420 She was coming at me and kind of, you know, getting squirrely a little.
00:19:39.460 You know, and, um, she said she needed money for a new dog.
00:19:43.180 I gave, and I gave her 60 bucks.
00:19:46.100 I dropped that hard 60 on her and, and I left, man.
00:19:49.260 And I saw it.
00:19:50.080 They had a officer there on the corner and I asked him, you know, what do I do?
00:19:55.340 You know, I got, I paid for the CPR.
00:19:57.480 I gave, you know, I gave 60 for the net, if you know, for some animal, a new animal.
00:20:03.020 And, um, and he said, look, man, it wasn't your fault.
00:20:09.680 You know, he did help me feel a little bit more chill about it.
00:20:13.200 He said it wasn't your fault.
00:20:15.360 Uh, but man, that shit hurt my, that hurt me.
00:20:21.100 You know, and I've, I've had bad luck, man.
00:20:22.840 I hit a dog.
00:20:23.900 I was late for work one time and I hit a dog over there.
00:20:26.700 I was supposed to be at the seafood joint.
00:20:28.220 And I showed up late and I was crying and they fucking fired me, you know, and they
00:20:35.960 had some hot bitches that worked over there, to be honest with you, no offense, you know,
00:20:40.440 bitches, but they had, you know, some real fucking leg over there.
00:20:46.740 So anyway, man, sorry, I'm just, I'm horny and I'm, you know, thinking about the past at
00:20:53.000 the same time, but, um, what else happened, dude?
00:20:56.960 Oh, so yeah.
00:20:57.920 So the officer said, you know, it didn't look like you could have done anything and they
00:21:02.280 shouldn't have that dog down here unleashed.
00:21:04.600 And man, I'd never seen, this may have been the fastest animal, you know, this Santa's
00:21:11.700 little helper, man.
00:21:14.240 And, um, and it just, you know, and I, and I had another issue and I was working on a farm
00:21:22.000 a long time ago, I backed over a deer with a, um, bush hog and, uh, man, I, that, and that
00:21:33.580 I'll never forget the sound of that, man.
00:21:35.700 That, so I'm sorry, man.
00:21:38.300 I'm not, you know, I, you know, I, I, I'm learning to love animals more as I get more
00:21:43.080 adult.
00:21:43.480 So, you know, I don't have any issues with animals.
00:21:46.680 I have had extraneous, poor luck around animals and around, you know, animals that are trying
00:21:56.880 to live longer than, than I guess, whatever.
00:22:03.340 Or, you know, I just, I'm not help, when it comes to animals being alive, I don't, you
00:22:09.820 know, I don't do, I don't, I'm not helpful, I guess.
00:22:13.940 Um, but otherwise, you know, I had a beautiful time in Tennessee, man.
00:22:18.900 It just, it just was a way more relaxing environment, you know, kind of hopping around and, and, um,
00:22:28.840 man, just beautiful.
00:22:30.860 You get outside of the city and you see you driving through these neighborhoods and
00:22:34.420 you just, you see a house that is, look like, damn, you know, like, um, it just looks like
00:22:43.860 a Marvin Gardens or something.
00:22:46.300 You know, it just looks real, a lot of fancy stuff.
00:22:50.980 A lot of old school looking white houses too, man, like kind of real slave-y type of vibe
00:22:57.000 a little bit of them, you know.
00:22:58.060 Some of that's, you know, it's a little too much, but that's just, you know, that's, I
00:23:06.100 mean, that's just kind of history kind of stuff, but, but yeah, you see somehow as you're
00:23:12.580 like, well, it just, you know, we shouldn't, we got to do something to future it up a little
00:23:21.500 bit.
00:23:21.660 You see some old school historical joints out there.
00:23:26.460 Um, but, but that was that, man.
00:23:31.780 I, I, I want to let you know the support for this past weekend comes from Manscaped.
00:23:39.060 Who is number one in below the belt grooming?
00:23:42.580 I'll tell you who.
00:23:44.060 That's Manscaped.
00:23:45.080 You know, when I was younger, you wouldn't let anybody come near your, your crotch with
00:23:50.240 a machine, but my, how times have changed.
00:23:56.260 You know, nowadays you'll take a little machine and put it right up next to your wing, right
00:24:00.260 up next to your pecker, you know, next to your body meat, bro.
00:24:03.960 That spitter, that penis, bro.
00:24:06.240 Manscaped is forever changing the body grooming game with their perfect package 2.0.
00:24:16.000 You can support, support the podcast, support the podcast inside the perfect package 2.0.
00:24:23.900 You'll find an electric trimmer called the lawnmower.
00:24:26.680 It's waterproof.
00:24:28.020 It's skin safe.
00:24:30.260 You couldn't even carve your wiener off if you wanted to praise God, baby.
00:24:33.800 You know, when I used to live in Mississippi, I worked on a farm over there outside of Natchez,
00:24:41.380 Mississippi, and they had a fellow up there and his family ran the Ramada up there and
00:24:49.120 he was high on drugs and took his own, took his own penis off one time at a barbecue when
00:24:56.440 he was high on LSD.
00:24:58.020 Sweeney, they called him.
00:24:59.440 Sweeney was his name and they call him, eventually call him No Weenie Sweeney.
00:25:03.800 When he took that sucker off, bro.
00:25:06.180 Went one for one, 100%.
00:25:08.080 Batting at his own crotch, bro.
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00:25:56.580 Oh, man.
00:25:58.780 You know, oh, I got to tell you how much time right now I have no smoking.
00:26:03.100 Man, I'm grateful for this.
00:26:07.160 Y'all going to be shocked.
00:26:09.280 Right now, I have five months, three days, and 17 hours cigarette free.
00:26:18.160 And sometimes I want one of them bastards, man.
00:26:28.820 Sometimes I want that little snake tail, bro.
00:26:31.280 Satan's little freaking walking stick, bro.
00:26:35.800 That cigarette, you know.
00:26:39.100 Mother Nature's dirty little dick, bro.
00:26:41.180 That cigarette.
00:26:41.780 But I'm five months clear off of them, and I will say this.
00:26:48.240 It's nice not to feel like I need to have one a lot of times.
00:26:51.460 That is pretty nice.
00:26:54.640 Now, what I'm only 24 hours off of is, well, let's take this call right here,
00:27:02.500 and this fellow will kind of get into this topic a little bit right here.
00:27:05.700 Onward.
00:27:08.820 What's up, Theo?
00:27:09.680 This is Joe from Apopka, Florida.
00:27:13.840 What's up, Joey?
00:27:15.560 Down here in Florida.
00:27:16.920 In Florida, you know, if there's a place you want to run, you want to hide.
00:27:22.840 You know, Florida is it.
00:27:25.040 A lot of criminals at the top.
00:27:27.280 Criminals throughout.
00:27:29.000 But it's really, it gets real country up at the top,
00:27:31.540 and then it gets a little more Latino,
00:27:33.080 and then it gets fully homoerotic down there by Key West.
00:27:36.660 Or K-Dub, they call it.
00:27:38.280 Or Gay Dub, they call it down there.
00:27:41.960 And shout out, too, to my little god cousin, Dylan.
00:27:48.240 And he just came out the closet, and his dad took his truck away for two weeks.
00:27:54.000 And that's where, you know, it's, that's why, you know, it's, I think, I mean, it's, you know, that's, that can happen.
00:28:10.260 You tell dad you're gay, he says, well, all right, you're going to lose that truck for two weeks, bucko.
00:28:17.100 You're going to think about this.
00:28:19.080 So that shit, that shit is baffling.
00:28:23.380 But shout out Dylan, my little god cousin, hitting them Ubers, bruh.
00:28:27.020 And hitting them wieners out there, bruh.
00:28:29.560 Live your life, little daddy, you know.
00:28:31.800 And, you know, hopefully after the two weeks, you know, you get your truck back, and you and your dad can see eye to eye, and everything will be, you know, moving forward.
00:28:41.920 But that's wild, isn't it?
00:28:43.440 Imagine you told your dad you're gay, or something, and he goes, well, oh, all right, you gay, buddy.
00:28:50.760 Okay.
00:28:52.520 Let's see you be gay without that truck.
00:28:54.920 Okay.
00:28:56.220 Let's see you be gay without that truck.
00:29:02.280 So that's the most, that's the most rural shit I've ever heard, man.
00:29:07.080 You come out the closet, you lose your truck for two weeks, man.
00:29:10.140 PG, baby.
00:29:10.920 Okay.
00:29:12.120 Proj, God.
00:29:14.280 Let's get this call, anyway, that came in here right here.
00:29:17.180 And the audio is a little bit low on this sucker.
00:29:19.040 I don't know what's going on.
00:29:21.420 What's up, Dio?
00:29:22.580 This is Joe from Apopka, Florida.
00:29:26.200 I'm struggling, man.
00:29:27.580 Trying to stay away from that single-player devil's intercourse.
00:29:33.560 You feel me?
00:29:34.560 Talking about that.
00:29:36.560 That jacking off, buddy.
00:29:38.520 Oh, yeah, I feel you, man.
00:29:40.920 Yeah, yeah, I feel you, man.
00:29:42.860 Baiting your own branch.
00:29:45.580 You know, hunting butter with your hand, bro.
00:29:47.500 I feel you, man.
00:29:50.660 I feel you.
00:29:52.880 I got about, what time is it?
00:29:55.200 I got about 17 hours of no masturbation right now.
00:30:06.820 Let's hear more.
00:30:07.660 Sorry I interrupted you, man.
00:30:08.800 Trying to stay away from it, man.
00:30:10.300 I have a girlfriend.
00:30:12.440 And it ruins a lot of stuff in the bedroom.
00:30:15.920 You feel me?
00:30:16.580 Mm-hmm.
00:30:16.960 What do you do?
00:30:19.220 What should I do?
00:30:22.120 Just stay away from that shit, man.
00:30:24.260 Because it's coming for me, bro.
00:30:25.340 I feel the dark art is coming for me.
00:30:27.700 Let me know.
00:30:30.420 Oh, hell yeah, man.
00:30:31.940 And you can even now listen one more time.
00:30:33.340 You can hear a dog in the background there.
00:30:35.300 Right.
00:30:35.580 I feel the dark art is coming for me.
00:30:37.640 Right there.
00:30:38.020 Let me know.
00:30:39.900 Right there.
00:30:40.460 Yeah, man.
00:30:43.960 Well, it's hard.
00:30:45.760 You know, and I appreciate you calling and sharing it, you know, and bringing it up, man.
00:30:49.980 That's the hardest thing I've found.
00:30:53.420 You know, it's so hard to stop touching your own penis, you know, because it's hooked to
00:30:56.940 your, it's hooked to you.
00:31:00.580 You know, it's hooked to you.
00:31:03.120 It's like tying a, you know, a biscuit right to the side of a fat fellow's head, man.
00:31:10.460 You know, and there's unlimited joy in your own penis.
00:31:21.280 That's, that's, you know, I respect what God does, but at a certain point, he could have,
00:31:27.340 you know, he could have scaled back.
00:31:29.800 He could have took a couple scoops of joy out of your wiener.
00:31:34.100 But he didn't, man.
00:31:35.160 He would just, just, just shoveling in the joy into your own, you know, your body dick,
00:31:43.240 man, your penis.
00:31:46.580 And it's too much.
00:31:48.640 And here's the crazy thing about masturbation and trying not to do it.
00:31:53.960 God gave you two hands.
00:31:55.460 You could break one of your hands and still jerk off completely fine, brother.
00:32:04.400 Still touch yourself completely fine.
00:32:08.840 And I feel you, man.
00:32:11.400 I mean, sometimes it feels like the devil himself picks my hands up and puts them onto my stick,
00:32:19.200 man, my little body gun.
00:32:21.280 My dick.
00:32:21.780 And I hate it, man.
00:32:27.140 You know, I've been masturbating for 20 years, brother.
00:32:32.600 I mean, if I'd have put that time into the piano, bro.
00:32:37.540 If I'd have put that time into learning the French horn or learning how to do, you know,
00:32:43.880 do yuggling or whatever.
00:32:47.000 Magic.
00:32:47.360 Magic.
00:32:49.980 Actually, I'd probably rather just jerk off and learn, than know magic, though.
00:32:53.140 That's crazy.
00:32:56.140 But, um, man, I wish I had, you know, I wish I had a way for you right now.
00:33:02.980 Because I don't like doing it.
00:33:04.220 That's the thing.
00:33:05.140 That's my thing.
00:33:06.000 I'd rather save up that nut, you know, that bust.
00:33:08.680 I'd rather corral that energy and feel, just feel the fish just swimming against the dam.
00:33:18.220 You know, because that's my energy.
00:33:19.660 That's my solidity, man.
00:33:20.700 That's my chief.
00:33:22.900 And here I am just, you know.
00:33:27.380 I mean, imagine if you, you know, you punched a hole in the front of your gas tank while you're driving.
00:33:32.940 Be stupid.
00:33:33.480 So, I feel you, man.
00:33:37.760 Especially if you got a, if you got a girlfriend and stuff.
00:33:40.140 Just do your best.
00:33:41.700 I think some meditation helps.
00:33:45.440 Um.
00:33:47.960 And just try and maybe even share with your girls.
00:33:50.360 Say, look, I want to say, look, I want to apologize if we haven't been sexual because I've been struggling with this.
00:33:55.680 Because, man, I've struggled with a lot over the years.
00:34:02.300 You know, I used to, I'd set a date up, have a, have a, excite, excitement for a date one evening.
00:34:07.880 And then I jerk off at 630.
00:34:11.360 And we're supposed to meet at quarter to eight.
00:34:14.260 I call at seven and I say I can't make it.
00:34:16.740 I'm sick or something.
00:34:19.260 But the truth was, I, you know.
00:34:20.940 If I've already masturbated, I don't care if it's Christmas.
00:34:31.400 You know, it's like all of my intrigue, all of my excitement, all of my hope and possibility, it's all just gnarled up in there in my chi.
00:34:43.280 And backed up in my little body nuggets, man.
00:34:46.140 My scrotum, my nuts.
00:34:47.320 So, but, you know, talking about it, the first thing that's important and, and I'm going to try, I'm going to see what I can do, man.
00:34:59.840 Because I want to, you know, there was a time there where I was really trying to have nocturnal emissions.
00:35:08.820 You know, hunting that night bust.
00:35:12.160 And I want to get back there.
00:35:13.620 Because when you bust in a dream, man, that's, that's something bigger than you.
00:35:23.300 You know, that's something bigger than all of us.
00:35:26.860 You know, that's really, that's when we win.
00:35:34.160 I feel like, man.
00:35:36.220 So best of luck to you, man.
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00:38:16.180 We had some neat calls that came in.
00:38:21.960 You know, I was sinking this weekend, man.
00:38:24.280 I was, you know, recently in my life, I've been really stuck on just the fear side of things.
00:38:36.240 Just really living from a place of fear.
00:38:43.360 You know, afraid to kind of make a choice.
00:38:45.700 Afraid to speak.
00:38:46.740 Afraid to...
00:38:50.240 You know, there's just so much fear, I think, out there in the air right now.
00:38:54.580 That I notice it for myself.
00:38:57.220 It's starting to infect the other areas of my body.
00:38:59.520 In my life.
00:39:01.720 My action.
00:39:04.320 You know, I'm so scared to be...
00:39:07.640 To try something.
00:39:09.220 To do something.
00:39:10.360 To take an action.
00:39:13.520 You know...
00:39:14.760 I'm so...
00:39:16.940 I'm so...
00:39:17.540 I'm just trying to stay comfortable.
00:39:19.240 And what I'm missing out on, I realize, is the opportunity for adventure.
00:39:27.140 You know, for possibility.
00:39:31.580 You know, I was over there in Tennessee this weekend.
00:39:34.340 And Nashville's beautiful, man.
00:39:37.380 And I start thinking, well, what would it be like if I spent time here?
00:39:40.840 If I...
00:39:42.080 You know, was back and forth between the two coasts.
00:39:44.760 And...
00:39:45.840 You know, what would it be like?
00:39:47.060 You know, it's like...
00:39:53.700 And then I just start to be like, oh, I can't imagine.
00:39:56.760 Like, you know...
00:39:57.660 You know, I'd have to find...
00:39:59.700 This would be new.
00:40:01.180 I need to get a new vehicle.
00:40:03.640 I need to get a new home.
00:40:05.480 I need to get, you know...
00:40:06.420 All these things.
00:40:09.740 You know, all these...
00:40:12.060 Things I need to do.
00:40:15.260 You know, all these...
00:40:17.060 Fears, really.
00:40:19.320 And I look at them as fears.
00:40:20.620 I look at them as fears instead of as opportunities.
00:40:23.220 Instead of saying, oh, man, this could be exciting.
00:40:25.840 I would get to do...
00:40:26.760 I get to do...
00:40:27.660 I get to do this.
00:40:28.820 I get to, you know...
00:40:30.400 I get to see that.
00:40:31.600 I get to imagine what it's gonna...
00:40:34.580 Instead, I'm like, oh, man, I have to do this.
00:40:36.980 This is, you know...
00:40:38.060 What about all...
00:40:39.060 And just...
00:40:42.220 I just realized so much of my life I live in the fear side.
00:40:48.460 You know, and I approach a lot of my days and my moments like that.
00:40:53.220 Whether I'm considering a new city or whether I'm considering even dating.
00:41:03.120 You know, I go into dating like that.
00:41:06.080 Oh, man, you know...
00:41:07.780 I don't even give things a chance to be love or to be bigger than just a couple dates or just a fly-by-night or a little touchy.
00:41:19.960 You know, I don't really give things the opportunity.
00:41:26.420 It's just too...
00:41:28.960 I just stay in the safety.
00:41:34.740 And I'm just...
00:41:35.900 I just realized, like, man, I...
00:41:39.580 Just how much possibility I miss out on.
00:41:42.120 You know, and just how much...
00:41:48.680 Yeah, just how much difference.
00:41:53.880 You know, how...
00:41:56.120 Just the risk of kind of letting go to shore and just seeing what any of the rapids are.
00:42:04.800 You know, I don't know how somehow along the way in my life I just got more...
00:42:09.120 I just got comfortable with playing it safe.
00:42:16.580 And I think that's fine.
00:42:18.560 You know, I think it's fine to play it safe.
00:42:20.560 I just...
00:42:24.680 You know, I can play it safe when I'm back in the ether.
00:42:30.080 You know, I can play it safe when I'm back in the palm of God's hand.
00:42:33.900 Or in the ball sack of the...
00:42:35.920 The Great Maker.
00:42:39.120 You know, I'm out here.
00:42:42.580 And so often I just get stuck.
00:42:45.080 You know, I just don't want to...
00:42:47.580 I just hold on to the branches of comfort so much.
00:42:52.340 And I didn't even...
00:42:52.820 It's just before I even go into things.
00:42:54.340 Like, I'll go...
00:42:55.000 I'll see...
00:42:56.080 You know, I'll stand right there.
00:42:57.740 And look at the rapids and say how exciting they are.
00:43:01.040 But so rarely am I willing to just really let...
00:43:04.680 Just see what something new could be like.
00:43:07.300 Yeah, I just noticed that this weekend or this past week because I had so much fear just being in a new place and thinking about just new opportunity.
00:43:21.260 And I just leaned more into the fear instead of the possibility.
00:43:25.960 Yeah, it's like I'm afraid of...
00:43:37.960 I'm almost afraid of just trusting life.
00:43:44.420 You know, I'm afraid of just trusting like a higher power.
00:43:51.160 Just trusting that there's something new out there.
00:43:56.880 That there's just...
00:43:57.660 I don't know.
00:43:58.420 I can't explain it a little.
00:43:59.600 I'm just...
00:44:00.420 I just...
00:44:03.420 I always hedge my bets.
00:44:07.920 And some of that's smart.
00:44:11.020 But man, they're just...
00:44:14.420 How freeing it would feel to just say, you know what?
00:44:17.500 I'm going to see what comes.
00:44:19.220 You know, I'm going to lean into the wind and not into the cliffside, you know, not into the rock.
00:44:37.960 I'm going to lean into the I don't know and not be as safe.
00:44:53.780 Because I need excitement.
00:44:55.480 I need...
00:44:56.960 I need...
00:44:58.960 It's just...
00:44:59.820 It's such the juice that this whole guava is based on, man.
00:45:08.960 Is that...
00:45:10.960 You know, it's just taking a chance sometimes.
00:45:15.700 And being a little risque, man.
00:45:21.080 Yeah, I'm not...
00:45:22.200 I don't...
00:45:22.960 I just...
00:45:24.220 I guess I started to feel kind of disappointed when I was like, man...
00:45:27.580 I went to Nashville.
00:45:28.780 I checked it out.
00:45:29.880 I was...
00:45:30.400 I was excited.
00:45:31.680 And then I got home and I started to feel scared.
00:45:37.000 I started to feel like, oh, man.
00:45:38.660 But I...
00:45:39.380 Everything's going okay here.
00:45:45.040 And it's like, yeah, but maybe everything's going to be okay.
00:45:48.800 No matter what.
00:45:49.700 Maybe this will be...
00:45:50.480 Maybe something...
00:45:51.240 I need a challenge.
00:45:53.340 You know, I used to love the challenge so much.
00:45:55.800 I used to love...
00:45:56.800 To show the world I'm going to do something.
00:46:04.740 And somehow I got so set in the safety.
00:46:12.820 That all I...
00:46:13.640 The feeling I only even know sometimes is the feeling of the net against my back.
00:46:18.140 You know.
00:46:18.340 That safety.
00:46:26.020 Man, just to...
00:46:27.280 I only...
00:46:27.800 You know, I got so accustomed to these training wheels.
00:46:30.180 That I just...
00:46:36.860 I've lost some of the muscle that it...
00:46:42.000 That amazing muscle of balance.
00:46:44.480 Of balancing yourself as you ride.
00:46:46.680 We got some calls that came in, man.
00:46:52.860 Let's get...
00:46:53.860 Let's get into one or two of them.
00:46:58.900 Let me see what we got here.
00:47:04.460 Here we go right here.
00:47:07.060 Hi, Theo.
00:47:07.540 My name's Justin Cart from Nashville, Tennessee.
00:47:10.880 What's up, Justin?
00:47:12.320 I was just in your area, brother.
00:47:14.660 And you have a beautiful area down there.
00:47:16.700 A lot of trees, water.
00:47:18.780 Everything, man.
00:47:20.840 You know, electricity, everything.
00:47:22.760 Baby, do it.
00:47:24.380 Just calling, uh...
00:47:26.460 Because this past weekend, me and a bunch of friends of mine went and camped out at the Tennessee River.
00:47:32.140 Because, uh...
00:47:33.860 Unfortunately, one of our friends took his own life a couple months back.
00:47:39.020 And...
00:47:39.500 We all just now got to do the memorial because of the Corvid pushing everything back.
00:47:44.940 And...
00:47:45.500 I just wanted to say that if anyone out there is, like, going through some shit and, like, don't think they can talk to anybody...
00:47:52.840 Man, just reach out to someone, man.
00:47:54.340 Because...
00:47:55.500 Your boys and your family...
00:47:56.920 Like, everyone's gonna miss you if something happens.
00:47:59.840 No one likes that, man.
00:48:02.200 And...
00:48:02.400 Man, everyone wants to take care of yourself.
00:48:04.400 Look out for everyone you love.
00:48:05.900 Gang, gang.
00:48:08.000 Amen, man.
00:48:08.880 Thank you for that.
00:48:09.500 I'm sorry to hear about your friend.
00:48:12.180 Yeah, there's a lot of...
00:48:13.080 You know, I've worried recently a lot about, um...
00:48:16.460 You know, a lot of my friends who struggle with addiction.
00:48:18.760 They can't get help right now.
00:48:20.660 You know, a lot of the AA rooms have shut down during this.
00:48:25.620 You know, there used to be meetings all the time.
00:48:27.560 And now, if somebody's struggling, that...
00:48:29.940 You know, those meetings...
00:48:31.200 The meetings aren't there.
00:48:33.860 And it's just so...
00:48:37.240 I mean, I don't know what's worse.
00:48:39.100 I can't imagine what's worse.
00:48:40.680 I would personally rather take the risk of dying of...
00:48:44.400 Uh...
00:48:45.340 The disease than...
00:48:47.600 Than not having AA rooms be open.
00:48:54.380 You know, I have one buddy.
00:48:55.540 He...
00:48:55.620 Man, he's been struggling so hard.
00:48:58.640 You know, going on benders for weeks at a time.
00:49:01.380 And...
00:49:02.060 I just keep telling him, hey man, just hold on.
00:49:05.640 You know, just...
00:49:07.260 Because there's no...
00:49:08.020 There's not those in-person meetings.
00:49:09.660 The Zoom meetings aren't the same.
00:49:13.160 And so it's...
00:49:14.840 You know, it's just so many levels that people are being affected...
00:49:18.100 By the separation of humanity.
00:49:21.880 You know, we need each other.
00:49:24.540 That's why we got arms to...
00:49:26.340 You know...
00:49:27.080 To hug.
00:49:28.200 To tickle.
00:49:31.100 You know...
00:49:32.760 To pat that tit, baby.
00:49:34.340 That's why we have to reachers.
00:49:37.540 Because we got to feel something.
00:49:41.040 This gentleman called with another line.
00:49:42.780 Here we go.
00:49:44.060 Sorry, man.
00:49:44.740 I forgot to add one thing.
00:49:47.180 This is Justin again.
00:49:49.360 But...
00:49:49.880 After our memorial service...
00:49:51.880 We went back to our campsite.
00:49:53.980 And...
00:49:54.420 You know, we all had a...
00:49:56.040 Got a little baggie of our boys...
00:49:58.280 Our boys' remains.
00:49:59.300 We got some ashes, you know.
00:50:00.540 So...
00:50:01.020 Oh, yeah.
00:50:02.280 That death dust, baby.
00:50:05.020 Oh, yeah, baby.
00:50:06.900 God's eight ball, son.
00:50:08.160 Onward.
00:50:09.360 We came back to the campsite.
00:50:12.060 Rode up a little doobie.
00:50:13.940 Sprinkled our boy on there.
00:50:15.120 A little bit of a boy on that.
00:50:17.040 Blowing him up to the sky, man.
00:50:20.400 He hit good, though.
00:50:22.100 But...
00:50:22.780 He made the joint run.
00:50:24.640 But I kind of figured he would, but...
00:50:27.220 Amen, man.
00:50:28.040 And that's one way to do it.
00:50:29.140 That's Native American.
00:50:31.320 Smoking your friend's body parts, you know.
00:50:34.340 You know, cooking your buddy up straight into your lungs.
00:50:39.320 That's Native American.
00:50:42.220 There's no other...
00:50:43.260 You know.
00:50:45.400 That's how you do it.
00:50:46.800 Put your buddy, bowl him up, smoke him out, you know.
00:50:50.280 Oh, we're cooking up little Randall right now.
00:50:53.360 You know, we're cooking up a little bowl of Steven.
00:50:55.440 R.I.P. Steven.
00:50:56.300 You know, I remember we smoked up.
00:51:02.380 We had a dude named Lester, bro.
00:51:03.800 And we smoked his little ass.
00:51:06.740 He was real small.
00:51:08.600 You know, he was just a pony of a man.
00:51:11.440 And we cooked his little ass up and smoked him out of an apple.
00:51:14.560 Praise God, man.
00:51:15.520 Back in the day.
00:51:18.080 And that's Native American.
00:51:19.520 You know, anybody could bury their friend and do...
00:51:24.560 You know, let's put him up there over by the hill by the haunted house.
00:51:28.140 Let's do that.
00:51:30.320 You know, anybody could have their friend cremated and nothing.
00:51:33.140 Let's throw him out of this...
00:51:34.640 You know, let's throw him off the parking garage of this Crown...
00:51:38.520 This Crowne Plaza Hotel out here near Dayton.
00:51:47.680 But to really celebrate somebody, if you want to get back into the old ways,
00:51:53.860 you got a body...
00:51:54.740 You know, you take a sack of that body dust,
00:51:58.200 sprinkle it into a little graham dish, bro, and cook that bad bastard out.
00:52:03.800 You know?
00:52:04.920 R.I.P. Barbara, you know?
00:52:08.520 R.I.P., you know?
00:52:13.780 Give it a little pass, you know?
00:52:15.380 Pass that freaking little...
00:52:17.000 That John.
00:52:18.600 Pass that John of little Henry's little ass.
00:52:25.220 And that's a way to show respect.
00:52:27.040 That's called respect.
00:52:29.760 So...
00:52:31.620 But I'm glad that you guys enjoyed it, man.
00:52:34.940 You know, it's funny.
00:52:36.020 You want to take care of yourself.
00:52:37.100 You want to go into the world smelling good, feeling good.
00:52:41.180 You know, you want to go into the world with creams and solutions on your skin that elevate you.
00:52:46.860 That let people know, hey.
00:52:49.340 This guy's a professional.
00:52:50.840 This guy...
00:52:51.500 This guy don't want to smell like...
00:52:55.500 Like junk.
00:52:56.280 This guy don't want to look like junk.
00:52:57.740 He wants to be special.
00:52:59.100 Well, that's why I want to let you know about Hawthorne and why you should give it a try.
00:53:06.420 Hawthorne has a website you can go to and you take a quiz, a brief quiz that they have set up.
00:53:14.040 And they'll let you know what type of smell good potions and feel good potions are right for your style of human.
00:53:23.060 You know, they ask you how many times you, you know, how busy are you?
00:53:29.300 What kind of hairstyle you got?
00:53:31.220 Do you have a mustache?
00:53:33.260 Basic things that'll help them figure you out.
00:53:36.420 And next thing you know, they hit you with some easy to buy online, luxurious, scented goods.
00:53:48.780 Yep.
00:53:49.780 Do you wear Old Spice?
00:53:51.400 Well, that's got to change.
00:53:52.940 Do you wear CK1 from high school?
00:53:55.120 That's got to change.
00:53:57.520 You're going to get the sense that Hawthorne suggests.
00:54:02.400 They'll give you one for work and one for play.
00:54:06.420 No one else has such personalized products.
00:54:11.120 All you do, take a quick two-minute survey and Hawthorne tells you the two colognes that are best for you.
00:54:17.440 And I said survey, I mean quiz.
00:54:20.140 It's risk-free with free shipping and free returns.
00:54:25.200 See how it works.
00:54:27.220 Throw a dab on your neck.
00:54:29.420 Put a little batch on your back.
00:54:31.020 See if things change for you.
00:54:32.580 Check out Hawthorne.co.
00:54:37.620 That's Hawthorne with an E.
00:54:40.140 And use my promo code Theo to get 10% off your first purchase.
00:54:46.100 That's H-A-W-T-H-O-R-N-E dot C-O.
00:54:52.640 And use my code Theo to get 10% off your first purchase.
00:54:58.800 Hawthorne dot C-O.
00:55:01.040 Smell good.
00:55:02.860 Get the accoutrements.
00:55:05.860 You know, different people make different choices for their bodies.
00:55:09.400 We had a call that came in right here.
00:55:12.060 Let's hear it.
00:55:14.560 Hey, Theo.
00:55:15.500 How you doing, man?
00:55:16.560 My name's Jesse.
00:55:17.580 I was a United States Mariner.
00:55:21.020 I was a Mariner for about five years.
00:55:23.260 I just recently got out, man.
00:55:25.500 Calling in for some advice.
00:55:27.840 My dad called me the other day.
00:55:30.260 He owns a strain of motels over there in Flint, Michigan.
00:55:35.080 He's been in the hotel business my whole life.
00:55:38.700 Oh, yeah.
00:55:40.320 Over there in Flint, baby.
00:55:41.500 Those dirty water motels.
00:55:44.220 You know?
00:55:45.120 Those brackish little bed shops, baby.
00:55:47.440 Onward.
00:55:48.660 He was telling me he wants to get a low back tattoo.
00:55:52.480 Ooh.
00:55:52.880 Ooh.
00:55:56.280 Dude, I'm going to tell you, man.
00:55:57.640 You can't.
00:55:59.040 You can do what you want.
00:56:00.340 But you also can't get a low back tattoo if you are a man.
00:56:04.920 Okay?
00:56:07.140 This ain't the future.
00:56:09.060 This is right now.
00:56:12.060 And that right there is a gateway drug to homosexuality and probably prison time.
00:56:18.240 And it's fine if those are the things you're looking for.
00:56:23.920 But if you're just looking to do a little snazzy body art, you don't get a lower back tattoo.
00:56:32.140 Especially if you're slinging hotel rooms, man.
00:56:35.760 You're going to have a couple of fellas trying to sleep up in your ass, brother.
00:56:38.560 Onward.
00:56:39.220 Being a straight single, man.
00:56:41.660 I told them I wouldn't recommend getting anything tattooed on your lower back as a straight man.
00:56:47.260 But, you know, he's my dad.
00:56:49.460 I want to respect him.
00:56:50.840 I want to hear him out.
00:56:52.020 And he said, well, son, I want to get the hotel logo tattooed on my low back.
00:56:59.360 Well, look, man.
00:57:00.480 You know what?
00:57:00.980 Actually, bro.
00:57:01.800 Get it.
00:57:02.940 I say you get two flames coming off the side, coming right around to his hips.
00:57:08.260 The end of the flames is ending right down towards his nuts.
00:57:11.860 Get that.
00:57:13.660 Get a big, huge banana right up and down his spine, man.
00:57:17.260 And get the hotel or whatever it is, Ramada, you know.
00:57:21.080 Jerry's tight stay right there above his ass.
00:57:23.640 Get that.
00:57:25.440 Do him right.
00:57:26.220 Treat your daddy right.
00:57:27.180 What am I talking?
00:57:28.020 Why am I saying no?
00:57:30.940 When I should be saying yes.
00:57:34.100 Lean into the fun.
00:57:37.000 That's why.
00:57:37.620 Too much I'm telling.
00:57:39.240 Don't do it.
00:57:39.860 Don't.
00:57:40.540 Lean into the fun.
00:57:41.960 Take a chance.
00:57:42.740 Rent your daddy a nice brother with that big body hammer for the night.
00:57:48.980 You know, big, uh, big Stanley.
00:57:51.520 Big Stanley the stallion.
00:57:54.260 You know what I'm saying?
00:57:55.320 Get your, get your daddy dick down properly.
00:57:58.100 Out there.
00:57:58.780 Let him live his life.
00:57:59.800 I'm sorry I said no.
00:58:04.860 I am sorry that I said no, brother.
00:58:06.980 Go on and get it.
00:58:08.560 And I hope your dad does it all.
00:58:10.540 I hope he does it damn all, dude.
00:58:12.380 And I hope he probably does oral.
00:58:14.740 You know, live a little.
00:58:17.220 Peace, see, baby.
00:58:18.180 Praise Christ.
00:58:18.980 Um, let's take another call, man, right here.
00:58:24.860 Onward.
00:58:28.780 What's going on, Theo?
00:58:30.360 This is Billy Marshall out of Delray Beach, Florida.
00:58:34.040 Billy Marshall.
00:58:36.200 And, man, I fell in love one time with a girl from Delray Beach.
00:58:39.200 And I met her on Twitter.
00:58:42.940 And we texted and sexted and everything.
00:58:46.480 Sent drawings of my dick and everything to her.
00:58:48.740 And she would, you know, you know, tell me what her breasts felt like and everything.
00:58:54.600 And describe it and send me, you know, little envelopes and stuff like that.
00:58:58.580 With perfume on the cotton and all of that.
00:59:00.960 But, um, and we texted for months and months and months.
00:59:06.240 And finally we saw each other.
00:59:07.540 And we just, it was just, it was bafflingly bad.
00:59:12.120 We could not get along for shit.
00:59:14.680 So, anyway, onward, brother.
00:59:16.080 And, uh, today was one of the craziest days I ever had at work.
00:59:23.960 I started working at this pest control company in February.
00:59:28.360 Okay, pest control.
00:59:30.380 And we need it, man.
00:59:31.780 I'd love to see a real, you know, a pet, a real little rodeo man out there.
00:59:37.820 Just corralling roaches.
00:59:41.160 You know, somebody on a Quidditch broom just chasing a bunch of bees trying to get them bastards to chill out.
00:59:47.080 Trying to keep them away from a picnic.
00:59:48.560 We need pest control.
00:59:52.760 We need somebody out there wrangling these thoughts out there.
00:59:57.080 You know, you know, corralling these bitches into an urban outfitters or something.
01:00:03.160 And helping keep the world tight.
01:00:05.120 Onward.
01:00:05.420 And, uh, today, they, they're like, all right, go out to the property and go around the buildings and put your rat baits out.
01:00:14.480 The contract with LumaTrack, if you know what that is.
01:00:18.180 Oh, yeah, man.
01:00:19.640 Killing rats, bro.
01:00:20.660 And it's, look, when you come to the Rat King and you're talking about killing rats, man, you got a lot of, uh, nerve.
01:00:27.620 But I respect your position, Onward.
01:00:29.380 You're in pest control.
01:00:30.340 But anyways, I'm doing the box.
01:00:32.400 And after I do the box, I look up and I see ten sharpshooters looking right at me with their rifles, like, aimed right at me.
01:00:40.080 I was like, I, like, looked at them.
01:00:42.040 I said, what?
01:00:42.660 And they said, they waved me over.
01:00:44.140 I walked over to them.
01:00:45.160 They said, there's a bomb in that building.
01:00:47.180 And I changed the bait while the bomb, the bomb didn't end up going off.
01:00:52.840 But the bomb squad was there.
01:00:55.660 And I changed the bait.
01:00:56.820 And then the bomb squad got me.
01:00:58.300 But, man, that's one of those things, too.
01:01:01.500 I was high on marijuana.
01:01:02.820 Like, that's, that was an interesting experience, high on marijuana.
01:01:06.420 And there we go right there.
01:01:09.260 And that's the truth of it all.
01:01:12.020 Is that pot can be a gateway drug, man, to bombings.
01:01:16.480 You do a little weed and then somebody blows up your fucking cousin, bro.
01:01:19.940 You know, you get high and suddenly you think they got a, you know, somebody taped a bunch of C4 up under your Silverado.
01:01:30.020 So, it's, I've been high enough where I feel like somebody's trying to bomb me.
01:01:34.160 But, to just be high and then they, and there's real bombs.
01:01:39.320 That's some, that's some, that's awesome, dude.
01:01:42.860 Dude, I remember the drug dogs would come to school.
01:01:45.220 And they would come smell everybody in the class.
01:01:49.000 And they said they were smelling if you had any weed on you, they would know.
01:01:52.540 And I remember raising my hand and I said, well, what if you're just high?
01:01:57.020 Will they know that?
01:01:58.120 And, uh, and the teacher and the police officers were, were not happy about that.
01:02:07.200 Because I didn't have any weed on me, bro, but I had that shit in my brain.
01:02:10.480 You know that?
01:02:12.640 So, um, what else is going on, man?
01:02:20.280 What else?
01:02:20.980 They had some, some neat calls came in.
01:02:23.940 And, uh, all right, let's get into, uh, into this last call here.
01:02:29.900 As always, the hotline, 985-664-9503.
01:02:36.120 Uh, thank you guys for, uh, for being a part of this episode.
01:02:39.280 And we have some new items, too.
01:02:41.420 New merch items that are pretty neat.
01:02:43.560 We got those Hot Hose Hit shirts.
01:02:47.180 Featuring your boy, Lil' Daniel out there.
01:02:50.260 Um, and, uh,
01:02:52.920 And some other new items.
01:02:54.840 Some Fresh Rat King, Vermin with the Sermon Hitters.
01:02:58.300 And, uh, you can check all those out at TheovanStore.com, I believe.
01:03:04.980 Or through Theovan.com.
01:03:07.120 Um, and thank everybody for supporting this podcast and for being a part of my life.
01:03:12.180 You know, I can't wait till the world opens up and I can, uh, get back to telling jokes.
01:03:17.380 And, um, and thanks for just bearing with me, you know.
01:03:23.440 And we bear with each other.
01:03:26.540 Uh, it's been a tough time, man.
01:03:29.240 It's been tough to, to stay in the joy.
01:03:31.780 You know, there's a lot of things out there trying to divide us.
01:03:39.120 You know, trying to divide people by easy things.
01:03:44.360 Um, but, you know, we got to refuse to let them do that.
01:03:49.880 You know, and we have to refuse to do that for ourselves, you know.
01:03:52.600 Um, you know, I accept that challenge.
01:04:00.440 I'm not going to let things, if I can help it, I'm going to work harder to not let things take that love out of me.
01:04:08.980 You know, I'm going to lean into the things that are, that are tough and just put, you know, spread a couple of damn pints of joy jam on my shoulders and just lean head into.
01:04:22.600 Let's see if I can't sweeten the deal that way.
01:04:28.860 Let's take one more call that happened right here.
01:04:30.820 Here we go, gang.
01:04:32.780 Hey, man.
01:04:33.720 My name is Blake.
01:04:34.680 I was just wanting to call.
01:04:36.740 I had some things to get off my mind.
01:04:38.940 Thanks for calling, Blake.
01:04:41.140 Onward.
01:04:42.020 My girlfriend just, uh, just passed away with an overdose, uh, like, Sunday night.
01:04:48.240 And, um.
01:04:49.320 Man, I'm sorry to hear that, man.
01:04:50.900 Man, I'm really sorry to hear that.
01:04:53.560 Onward.
01:04:55.780 You know, I was awake crying all night, uh, and your podcast came out.
01:05:01.000 And, uh, at the end, uh, Evan Barcell's song was on, uh, a thousand times.
01:05:07.060 And, uh, I don't know, man.
01:05:10.460 It just seemed like it put everything, you know, in the, in the right perspective.
01:05:15.820 It's like it was, uh, like, I've got to go on, you know, and continue with life and make her proud.
01:05:24.880 And, uh, because that's what, you know, that's what I imagine she would want of me.
01:05:30.440 And that's what I would want of her if I was in her position.
01:05:33.320 And, uh, yeah, and just, uh, it's been kind of a rough couple days, man.
01:05:42.700 And, uh, just, uh, you do a really good job of, uh, of bringing people that's down, uh, in any kind of way.
01:05:53.840 You bring their spirits up.
01:05:55.020 Uh, just because I believe it's because you've been there and you, you've been, you've been to a shitty time before and you've been through shitty times before.
01:06:02.580 And, you know, that you don't want other people to feel like you did.
01:06:06.680 So, uh, I think that's great, man.
01:06:10.140 Uh, love you, man.
01:06:11.820 Gang, gang.
01:06:14.120 Love you too, bro.
01:06:15.040 Thanks for the nice words, man.
01:06:16.300 Sorry.
01:06:17.480 I'm so sorry to hear about your girlfriend, man.
01:06:19.560 Um, you know, I'm sorry to hear, hear about that.
01:06:25.020 But, you know, addiction is powerful, man.
01:06:28.380 It's scary.
01:06:30.440 And, you know, she didn't want that.
01:06:33.540 She didn't want, you know, she didn't want to be addicted.
01:06:40.240 You know, it's a real, I mean, it is a real, it's a real dirty Batman that's out there, man.
01:06:52.940 Addiction.
01:06:53.440 Uh, but thank you for the, thank you for, for, for just sharing what's going on with us, man.
01:07:03.460 I think it reminds us and, you know, I don't want to be, you know, I don't want this to be like a downer type thing.
01:07:09.360 It's just, this is a reminder that, that, you know, that life is a gift, that it did, that this is a fragile bridge we're walking on.
01:07:17.300 You know, you know, you know, you know, that this is a limited time offer.
01:07:25.500 And that we have to make the most of it and that it's time to lean in to life.
01:07:46.420 It's time to lean in to life for, for all the risk and for all the reward, you know.
01:07:55.360 You know, that's what it is.
01:08:02.820 It's a, it is a, it is a chance for us to feel risk and to experience it.
01:08:11.680 And whether you, whether that risk is falling in love or, or, or trying a new job or trying a new skill or.
01:08:22.360 You know, those are the, those are the, those are the, those are the gifts, man.
01:08:40.240 Those are the, those, those are the, that's the purpose of it.
01:08:45.180 You know, if I just stand the whole time and I just stand in the safety of it all.
01:08:54.700 Then I'm not really getting the most out of this vessel.
01:09:04.560 And I'm not trying to, to preach at you.
01:09:06.500 I'm just trying to remind myself, you know, just not to be afraid to try something new.
01:09:11.500 Not to be afraid to walk into a relationship with the possibility of it being more.
01:09:23.660 You know, I'm just trying to remind myself not to.
01:09:30.920 Not to be afraid to.
01:09:34.820 To live, man.
01:09:36.160 To make mistakes and to make.
01:09:46.840 Non-mistakes, whatever those are called.
01:09:49.220 Okay things.
01:09:51.540 But either way, just not to be afraid just to live.
01:10:00.280 But I'm sorry to hear about your girl and thanks for the nice words, man.
01:10:03.140 I don't, you know, I don't know what I'm doing ever.
01:10:06.160 Um, but being alive, it's not easy.
01:10:11.020 But I think it can be easier.
01:10:17.880 If I'm just not that afraid sometimes.
01:10:23.940 You know, and it sounds like, uh, that she would want you to be, to be the type of person that,
01:10:30.160 that just goes onward, brother.
01:10:36.020 Um,
01:10:36.780 anyway, I, I didn't mean to,
01:10:41.560 you know, and
01:10:43.320 look, you could always put her in a joint
01:10:46.140 like your boys and them.
01:10:49.960 You know, y'all, you could always roll up a J of your lady
01:10:52.520 and huff down and get gassed out.
01:10:56.120 Praise God, brother.
01:10:58.980 Um,
01:10:59.380 we're going to finish up, uh,
01:11:04.380 we'll finish, we'll, we'll, we'll finish up right here.
01:11:06.060 Actually, this man is out of Nashville now
01:11:08.000 by way of Nebraska.
01:11:09.680 And, uh, we'll finish up with,
01:11:11.860 with some of his,
01:11:13.560 uh,
01:11:15.100 song right there.
01:11:16.620 And we'll play it for you and for your girls.
01:11:18.280 Her spirit goes on, man.
01:11:19.660 You know, cause I do believe that this life here is just a park,
01:11:25.100 this is just a parking spot.
01:11:29.000 On a really, really wild ride.
01:11:37.580 And we can do nothing with it
01:11:39.280 or we could put the tailgate down
01:11:40.820 or the, the, the sunroof open
01:11:42.660 and,
01:11:44.060 and just be,
01:11:46.180 and just live it up.
01:11:49.660 You know, make the most out of this parking lot.
01:11:54.440 Or you could park in the handicap spot illegally
01:11:56.920 and play it safe, man.
01:12:00.780 And I know we need a little bit of both, but
01:12:02.960 man,
01:12:04.920 I'm ready to take this placard,
01:12:06.400 this fake handicap placard off of my dang thing.
01:12:11.480 And start to just
01:12:12.800 live a little, baby.
01:12:17.340 Um,
01:12:17.700 thank you for anybody that called in
01:12:19.660 and that was supportive of the podcast this weekend.
01:12:22.480 Uh,
01:12:23.100 if anybody out there is going through a tough time,
01:12:25.540 you know,
01:12:26.480 just know that you're not alone
01:12:27.520 and that people are thinking of you.
01:12:29.500 Um,
01:12:31.100 and I'm gonna do,
01:12:32.340 um, uh,
01:12:32.700 let's just do our best to go out in the world
01:12:34.400 and be a part of other people's joy.
01:12:35.980 You know,
01:12:38.060 what happens if you show up to work tomorrow
01:12:39.800 with a,
01:12:40.400 with a gift for everybody
01:12:41.640 or with a different attitude?
01:12:44.040 What happens if you show up tomorrow
01:12:45.280 for the boss that you hate
01:12:46.960 and you get him something nice?
01:12:48.120 You get him a little necklace or something
01:12:49.680 or get him a little,
01:12:51.780 you know,
01:12:52.640 a thing of saltwater taffies
01:12:54.000 or something from the zoo.
01:12:58.220 You know,
01:12:58.720 what happens then?
01:12:59.540 What happens if I show up to my life
01:13:04.800 with a different vibe?
01:13:13.900 You know,
01:13:14.500 what happens if instead of coming at every day
01:13:16.360 with a sword,
01:13:18.080 I show up with a damn hug gun
01:13:22.100 and just start
01:13:25.440 just slang and hugs,
01:13:29.900 baby.
01:13:32.260 Just double arm and MFers.
01:13:36.580 This is Evan Bartels
01:13:37.920 with a thousand times.
01:13:39.600 You guys be good to yourself,
01:13:40.700 man.
01:13:40.840 You deserve it,
01:13:41.480 guy.
01:13:41.640 Okay.
01:13:55.440 And I'm sorry,
01:13:56.240 there's a little,
01:13:57.240 there's a little,
01:14:02.540 well,
01:14:04.160 this ain't sad,
01:14:04.760 it's just a little beautiful,
01:14:05.720 man.
01:14:07.440 It's a little beautiful.
01:14:08.360 I could see the rain coming
01:14:11.740 from a hundred miles away
01:14:15.020 baptizing empty skylines
01:14:18.720 with the hope of better days
01:14:21.440 and I tell myself
01:14:23.960 that this will all be fine
01:14:26.580 And I watch you from a window
01:14:34.700 I built inside my mind
01:14:38.200 I wonder who I am
01:14:41.400 the way I am
01:14:43.080 Every man that's walking
01:14:48.040 Will fall from time to time
01:14:51.540 Every time I feel the thunder
01:14:55.100 I remember I'm just a child
01:14:58.300 I would die
01:15:00.700 A thousand times
01:15:04.040 Before I ever let you down
01:15:11.540 And next week
01:15:21.200 we're going to ring
01:15:22.340 all our single moms
01:15:23.360 that we've,
01:15:23.860 you know,
01:15:24.480 kept up with over the years
01:15:26.360 and just do a check-in
01:15:27.660 with them
01:15:28.120 You know,
01:15:29.280 we want to see
01:15:29.780 what it's like for them
01:15:31.040 as they start to send
01:15:31.920 the kiddos back to school
01:15:33.160 and just get a couple
01:15:34.760 of takes on it,
01:15:35.660 man.
01:15:36.340 You know,
01:15:36.640 and check in with them
01:15:37.460 magical women,
01:15:38.520 man.
01:15:39.200 You know,
01:15:39.900 check in with them
01:15:40.860 beautiful miatches
01:15:42.060 that are the single mothers
01:15:43.820 that keep a lot of us
01:15:44.660 going over the years
01:15:45.560 and have done so.
01:15:48.160 Gang,
01:15:48.680 right there,
01:15:49.200 you know that.
01:15:49.800 Yeah.
01:16:10.860 And if the candle at both ends
01:16:14.900 I just throw the whole damn thing
01:16:18.200 to the fire
01:16:19.560 And I tell myself
01:16:23.700 this will all be fine
01:16:26.400 I would die a thousand times
01:16:33.840 Before I ever let you down
01:16:40.940 Oh, I wish it was easier
01:16:52.980 I wish I had more than I could give
01:17:03.320 I wish I had more than I could give
01:17:15.940 I would die a thousand times
01:17:27.840 If I ever let you down
01:17:34.860 And that is Evan Bartels
01:17:47.200 right there
01:17:47.860 off his EP
01:17:49.660 Promised Land
01:17:51.020 And you can purchase that album there
01:17:53.240 on iTunes
01:17:53.840 or check it out
01:17:54.600 however you do music
01:17:56.120 Evan Bartels
01:17:58.280 A beautiful song, man
01:18:02.040 You know
01:18:03.580 A beautiful song
01:18:05.000 You guys be good
01:18:05.740 Ladies and gentlemen
01:18:09.300 I'm Jonathan Kite
01:18:10.500 and welcome to Kite Club
01:18:11.820 A podcast
01:18:12.740 where I'll be sharing thoughts
01:18:14.060 on things like
01:18:14.760 current events
01:18:15.480 stand-up stories
01:18:16.700 and seven ways
01:18:17.800 to pleasure your partner
01:18:19.020 The answer may shock you
01:18:20.920 Sometimes I'll interview my friends
01:18:22.940 Sometimes I won't
01:18:24.260 And as always
01:18:25.800 I'll be joined by the voices
01:18:27.040 in my head
01:18:27.760 You have three new voice messages
01:18:30.620 A lot of people
01:18:32.100 are talking about Kite Club
01:18:33.640 I've been talking about Kite Club
01:18:35.620 for so long
01:18:36.440 Longer than anybody else
01:18:38.060 So great
01:18:38.880 Aye, swee-ah
01:18:40.840 Here's a deal
01:18:41.920 Anyone who doesn't listen
01:18:43.660 to Kite Club
01:18:44.360 is a dodgy bloody wanker
01:18:46.420 Jermaine
01:18:47.120 I'll take a quarter pounder
01:18:49.920 with cheese
01:18:50.400 and a McFlurry
01:18:51.440 Sorry sir
01:18:52.000 but our ice cream machine
01:18:52.800 is broken
01:18:53.280 Ha ha ha
01:18:54.680 No
01:18:55.180 I think Tom Hanks
01:18:57.140 just butt dialed me
01:18:58.240 Anyway
01:18:58.720 First rule of Kite Club is
01:19:00.640 Tell everyone about Kite Club
01:19:02.360 Second rule of Kite Club is
01:19:04.300 Tell everyone
01:19:05.340 about Kite Club
01:19:06.560 Third rule
01:19:07.320 Like and subscribe
01:19:08.500 wherever you listen to podcasts
01:19:09.920 or watch us on YouTube
01:19:11.700 Yeah
01:19:12.120 And yes
01:19:13.020 don't worry
01:19:13.600 my Brad Pitt impression
01:19:14.840 will get better
01:19:15.640 Thank you so much for listening to Kite Club