E360 Ear to the Back
Episode Stats
Length
1 hour and 31 minutes
Words per Minute
149.84084
Summary
In this episode, we talk about some of the worst things you can do to a kid to make them think you re a doctor. This episode is brought to you by Ignite and Liquid Death. Ignite is a cyber-security tool that teams will actually love using in the background, in order to protect their data. Liquid Death is a company that does good water in Asheville, North Carolina.
Transcript
00:00:00.480
You gotta keep your hair. People don't have it. You know who they are. You've seen them.
00:00:05.200
You've seen them. People draw dicks on their head when they fall asleep at parties.
00:00:14.560
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00:00:19.560
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00:00:22.440
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00:00:30.660
And, if you don't have any hair, I love you anyway.
00:00:33.920
You know, all over the country right now, big companies, cyber attacks are happening.
00:00:39.680
People cyber bully and not like that, but with companies.
00:00:43.440
They take all the information. They keep it hostage.
00:00:47.100
So, you go into a Jimmy John's. They don't even have your damn account number.
00:00:57.160
Yep, Ignite gives companies with limited IT and security staff the power of much larger teams.
00:01:05.860
Security software has a horrible user experience.
00:01:13.640
Ignite is a security tool that teams will actually love using.
00:01:18.700
Ransomware detection and mitigation run in the background.
00:01:50.600
I want to let you know that we have tickets going on sale for you.
00:02:08.700
Tickets go on sale tomorrow morning at 10 a.m. Eastern.
00:02:13.740
Also, tickets are sold out in most places, except for this weekend in Durham, North Carolina.
00:02:19.840
There's a few tickets left for the 9-26 show, September 26th.
00:03:02.660
When I was young, they would say, take a breath.
00:03:04.720
They'd come and they'd hold your lungs while you're breathing.
00:03:10.240
And he'd put that big cold stethoscope on your back.
00:03:15.160
We had a dude in our neighborhood who said he was a doctor.
00:03:18.980
One of his ears, he didn't have a lot of blood flow to it.
00:03:26.340
And I think, dude, probably pedophile, pedophile, whatever.
00:03:37.260
Mr. Rice, this fella, he hit you with that cold ear.
00:04:05.660
But I remember we'd go over there and he'd put that blood,
00:04:07.700
that one of his ears didn't get a lot of blood flow on it.
00:04:13.120
And he'd put that bitch on your back or your front.
00:04:17.000
And I remember one time when I went over there,
00:04:24.740
I said, this is really, this seems outside of the medical realm.
00:04:44.220
So, there's all different types of docs out there, I guess.
00:04:50.220
But, I don't even know what I was talking about.
00:04:54.980
Anyway, man, a lot of bad doctors out there is what I'm trying to say.
00:05:01.740
And, anyway, I'm happy to be here with you today.
00:05:08.100
You know, I know I'm happy to be here with you today.
00:05:15.940
And he played that song, The Devil, God, and Me, for us a while back.
00:05:20.680
And we're going to close out with one of his new songs today.
00:05:37.060
Out there not far, my mother's from not far from there.
00:05:41.080
And she's an adult now, but she was a child at one point.
00:06:03.040
Starting off the new tour, Return of the Rat tour.
00:06:11.420
We got in a corn combine and got to go cut corn, boy.
00:06:39.120
I said, I bet if we turn our back, y'all be more than brothers.
00:06:48.180
And, it's just wild to think that you're riding through corn.
00:07:16.420
I wish the tractor, the cutter actually had a little corn popper in it.
00:07:32.060
You're going to have that cold ear against your back.
00:07:34.040
You're going to have some pedophile out there hitting you with that cold ear on your spinal column, dude.
00:07:49.400
And, we took a day off just to be human and be out there.
00:08:18.160
And, he really, he looks just like Peter's wife from Family Guy.
00:08:56.520
Let me hit this liquid death for a little bit before I tell you about that.
00:09:11.380
From the creators of Mr. Pickles and Concrete Cowboy comes the story of a group of friends
00:09:17.080
who leave the city to camp in the woods and eat mushrooms.
00:09:21.180
Dead Till Death is now streaming on Amazon Prime.
00:09:24.280
And, I think it's based on liquid death or has in it.
00:09:37.320
And, we stopped along the way and practiced pitching.
00:10:04.540
Dude, I'll take an 800-pack of loose leaf and put that bitch right in the trash if I'm really honest with you.
00:10:16.960
Now, if you want me to put my cold ear to your back and tell you something else,
00:10:32.760
He's a first base coach for the St. Louis Cardinals.
00:10:39.200
And, they got us set up over there to throw out the first pitch.
00:10:47.860
Man, I didn't realize when you go to a baseball field, you go down on the field.
00:10:59.360
It looks like a barber has been out there all night.
00:11:04.220
You know, it looked like somebody had been out there with just a manscape in the yard.
00:11:15.200
The outfit, there was just this light kind of gradient.
00:11:25.260
Made you want to look in your own ass kind of place.
00:11:42.880
You know, we'd stopped in a few places in practice.
00:12:05.740
Reminded me of my days out there on the Playville Cubs.
00:12:08.260
And, a lot of people know that I played for Playville Cubs.
00:12:19.740
A couple people that never did any drugs but just died anyway.
00:12:25.940
We played it out there on the American Legion field when we were children.
00:12:33.480
Every ball went to left field, really, eventually.
00:13:24.940
And, if you've been to a bar, you know there's things happening.
00:13:40.080
Sending her little freaking meat JPEGs, you know?
00:14:36.520
And, it was just like this beautiful kind of...
00:15:23.360
I felt like one or two were maybe a little better than the others.
00:15:28.780
I had some people tell me they thought the new tour was better than the old tour.
00:15:34.600
And, there was still a little crossover between the two.
00:15:45.260
And, I want you guys to keep hitting the hotline.
00:16:05.800
And, I want to say we started the show in Peoria.
00:16:07.760
Because, there used to be a term, if it'll play in Peoria.
00:16:32.340
One dude would get up there and just, you know, play with his wiener for an hour.
00:16:36.360
And, he drew a G note on his nuts or something.
00:16:48.000
It used to be vaudeville was a way to, you know, you could do a crime.
00:16:50.780
And, the next thing you know, you tell people you juggle.
00:16:56.160
But, there was a term, if it would play in Peoria, it would play anywhere.
00:16:59.680
And, so that's one of the reasons, kind of, we started over there.
00:17:46.300
It was probably seven, eight years, and 11 years ago, maybe.
00:18:10.220
I just can't believe that many people came out and care about the show.
00:18:15.900
I don't know if I tell you guys enough how much it means to me.
00:18:24.620
If I could just take my heart and just cut it into different pieces, I'd mail you one.
00:18:42.400
We used to have to make our own lunches for summer camp.
00:18:51.940
You'd put the cooler in there with a little Kool-Aid.
00:19:07.240
And, you know, for the second half of the afternoon.
00:19:19.520
Because, when I was young, you had to get the powder and get the water.
00:19:28.860
Now, when I was young, you had to do a little bit of the work.
00:19:38.880
Then, the thermos had a little lid on it that you could use.
00:19:43.120
You would take the lid off and drink out of the lid.
00:19:59.880
So, let's be realistic about what's going on here.
00:20:38.260
Sometimes, I would come down before we made them.
00:20:45.320
Then, I would have them just think I was doing jelly.
00:20:53.220
I lived in a place where every freaking ounce was accounted for.
00:20:57.960
We had a lot of, you know, accounted for ounces, baby.
00:21:17.120
My sisters, the second the spoon went in there, every other kid, the other kids would look over.
00:21:42.820
We got a lot of beautiful questions that have come in today.
00:21:45.200
We got a call in a little while with this fellow named Chad, who was a really best friend of Billy Conforto.
00:21:53.740
So, and so, man, excuse me, man, we are so blessed to be able to speak with him for a few minutes, and, you know, that's just God working in our lives, man, and letting Billy come back to us.
00:22:12.200
We're going to, man, a lot of wonderful calls, and appreciated that.
00:22:16.260
I want to let you know, first and foremost, though, that we got to pay the bills, and I'd appreciate your help.
00:22:29.460
Well, this one can save you hundreds, no matter where you live or what you drive.
00:22:37.680
Everyone has to have car and home insurance or horse insurance.
00:22:41.640
But comparing insurance companies isn't how you like to spend your time.
00:22:57.220
You're like, well, what if there's a flood and my house turns into a damn boat?
00:23:01.980
You're like, well, you're screwed at that point.
00:23:04.940
See, a lot of trickery and chicanery within it all.
00:23:15.940
I was spending an extra probably $211 a month, maybe $212 a month.
00:23:31.620
I did some configuring and a little flagellating, bro.
00:23:37.680
Did a little, you know, cunnilingus or whatever you do on the computer and did it.
00:23:45.080
They compare car and home insurance quotes from every major insurance company.
00:24:00.000
Or if you're in a flooding area, buy your damn wife a damn neck brace or something.
00:24:06.260
What I'm saying is, support the podcast as well.
00:24:09.820
Compare the quotes for free at thezebra.com slash T-H-E-O.
00:24:19.660
Now, speaking of support, everybody wiener bad out there.
00:24:34.700
If you walked into a classroom, my wiener be in the corner with a dunce cap on, son.
00:24:46.460
Because we've drifted away from the thing that make us men and that make us virile and viral and viral.
00:25:35.800
I gave one of them to a damn 17-year-old the other day.
00:25:57.020
Everybody knows I bought some of them Indian tablets that make my legs sweat.
00:26:11.280
And I'm sorry if you're using the D word so much.
00:26:23.380
Anyhow, here's a special deal for our listeners.
00:26:25.700
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00:26:34.600
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00:26:38.460
And we thank Blue Chew for sponsoring the podcast.
00:27:24.380
Because I'm thinking, you should have had Norm Macdonald on your show, man.
00:27:30.820
Gosh, that might be the great tragedy of some comedy of this generation.
00:27:35.240
You and him, neither of you guys played by rules.
00:27:38.940
I mean, you got five from SNL that you wouldn't play.
00:27:41.320
They just simply said, don't make these kind of jokes.
00:27:49.880
I hope people can talk about Norm on your next episode.
00:27:52.280
And these two guys, you know, he was and you are.
00:28:10.740
To be naked and call another man is a, it's a, that's a choice.
00:28:24.380
And I'll tell you why I felt like it's the most sad.
00:28:39.860
You know, he'd really been one of those, whatever it is, that Boston spider or whatever, the thing that bites people or something.
00:28:50.740
Gets, you know, a lot of court-ordered separation or whatever.
00:28:59.120
But a lot of dudes in Boston have restraining orders.
00:29:03.720
Separately, what I'm saying is that Norm was a, he kind of stayed away from people.
00:29:14.260
I think there was some discussion about it for a bit between him and Nick Davis or his producer and Nick Davis.
00:29:28.240
The saddest part about it is that, or to me, this is all just to me.
00:29:52.380
And I think there's not a lot of comedians out there, though.
00:29:56.200
And so when you lose one of them, and not to mention one of the greats and one of the last ones that would speak his mind,
00:30:05.460
it feels like you're losing a book that nobody has copies of, kind of.
00:30:12.440
That's what it feels like, I think, especially with Norm.
00:30:19.480
I mean, you go watch him back on that Joy Behar show or the one, like The View,
00:30:24.820
and he's just giving those fucking chubby thoughts the what for.
00:30:31.520
You can just see they're all afraid to speak anything that's not written on the script from the producers.
00:30:43.020
And he stays there, and he's got the joy of just a Mark Norman the whole time.
00:30:47.440
Just this childhood fever that they can't even fight with their freaking money-grubbing, trap house, soulless, just lack.
00:31:28.720
But the sad thing is there's not a lot of comedians, so when you lose one, not to mention one of the greats and one of the rarest types.
00:31:37.960
I don't even, I mean, I am a comedian, but I don't know if I feel like that sometimes.
00:31:52.180
But to be like, imagine you go to the zoo, and they got like a white tiger in there.
00:32:04.020
Everybody, the kids come, they're spitting in each other's mouths,
00:32:06.960
trying to pretend like they're the llamas, spitting in each other's eyes, you know.
00:32:10.780
Eating fucking llama, you know, llama, you know, little llama dogs or whatever.
00:32:18.540
You know, just some thick kids over there, just double llama dogging.
00:32:24.680
And she's going to have trouble in junior high, I know that.
00:32:38.900
So, Norm and I are doing a show in Shawnee, Oklahoma.
00:32:47.660
And there's an interesting group of people there.
00:32:51.400
You know, it's a lot of D-list celebrities like ourselves.
00:33:08.920
He's pulling his pants up and down and up and down.
00:33:41.840
Looking like a fool with my pants on the ground.
00:33:45.700
The show ran late because he brought his girlfriend out.
00:33:49.680
Like tits in the fucking wild Johnnetta or something.
00:33:57.040
Because I think he had to do it with a certain amount of time.
00:34:25.900
Because there's a comedy show the night before.
00:34:28.980
So this is a comedy show I'm opening up for Norman.
00:34:54.240
Black guy will run the light two and a half hours.
00:35:14.840
who would turn out to be the booker at the comedy store
00:36:27.240
had kind of maybe started to come in a little early.