This Past Weekend with Theo Von - E390 David Spade

00:00:00.000 We hope you're enjoying your Air Canada flight.

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00:00:14.760 And with live TV, I'm not missing the game.

00:00:17.800 It's kind of like, I'm already on vacation.

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00:00:30.120 You know, the other day I was trying to, I couldn't breathe real well because I had hair in my nose.

00:00:34.360 And you know who can help that and really solve that for your body and your nose is Manscaped.

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00:01:06.660 It's time to throw out your old hygiene habits and upgrade your life.

00:01:10.780 I want to thank everybody for being a part of my life.

00:01:13.260 And I want to let you know that I have some new tour dates.

00:01:16.980 I am going to be Los Angeles May 7th.

00:01:20.560 We added a show there at the Wiltern.

00:01:23.660 Albuquerque May 18th.

00:01:26.460 Midland, Texas May 19th.

00:01:28.340 Lubbock May 20.

00:01:30.660 And May 21, Dallas, Texas.

00:01:32.340 We've added another show there.

00:01:34.740 So get your friend or somebody.

00:01:36.880 Get somebody you love and bring them.

00:01:38.920 Grab somebody by the hand and say,

00:01:40.380 Hey, babe, we're going to go get involved in something good.

00:01:44.320 We also have Savannah, Georgia, June 2nd.

00:01:47.900 Augusta, Georgia, June 3rd.

00:01:50.420 And Montgomery, Alabama, June 4.

00:01:52.960 As well as Columbus, Georgia, June 5.

00:01:55.940 And some new dates down in Florida.

00:01:58.880 We have June 23rd in Hollywood, Florida.

00:02:02.480 June 24, Fort Myers, Florida.

00:02:05.600 Down there, military area, I'm guessing.

00:02:08.420 And June 2, 5 over in Daytona Beach, Florida.

00:02:12.460 You come over there, bring them sunburnt titties out with you. 0.97

00:02:15.800 And bring that skin cancer with you, baby, in Daytona. 0.97

00:02:19.080 Everybody out there smoking on them door owls.

00:02:21.800 And huffing on Winston's.

00:02:23.100 And you'll see a newborn come out.

00:02:25.400 And he got his, he'll have a little lighter in his hand.

00:02:29.140 Hunting a door owl.

00:02:30.900 That's Daytona Beach, Florida, June 2, 5.

00:02:33.240 June 2, 6 down there in Lakeland, Florida.

00:02:37.260 I appreciate all you guys' love and support.

00:02:39.860 Tickets are on sale now at Theovahn.com slash T-O-U-R.

00:02:45.040 That's Theovahn.com slash tour.

00:02:48.680 And yeah, I'm just grateful for you guys.

00:02:51.160 Thank you so much.

00:02:51.880 We have the new Gang Gang hoodies and coffee mugs available.

00:02:55.740 Along with the Rat King t-shirt and that bobble head, that bee head, baby. 0.98

00:02:59.680 If you need some head, borrow mine.

00:03:02.380 Check that out and more at Theovahnstore.com.

00:03:06.600 Today's guest is the star of many films and television series.

00:03:13.760 He's a friend of mine.

00:03:15.740 And yeah, I can't even believe I get to be his friend.

00:03:19.740 That's just been, that's been very exciting and inspiring.

00:03:24.220 He is a hero to many.

00:03:28.040 He's a comedy legend.

00:03:32.140 He is part of the Fly on the Wall podcast with Dana Carvey.

00:03:37.500 You can check that out.

00:03:39.060 And he also has a new Netflix special called Nothing Personal.

00:03:42.260 Very happy to be sitting here with David Spade.

00:03:46.180 For me to set that parking brake and let myself unwind

00:03:51.160 Shine that light on me

00:03:55.160 I'll sit and tell you my stories

00:04:00.860 Shine on me

00:04:05.820 And I will find a song

00:04:10.060 I've been singing

00:04:11.260 Just roll

00:04:13.120 Oh, I definitely have OCD.

00:04:20.900 When I think about growing up, I used to think that there was like boogeyman, you know?

00:04:25.660 So I would like, I'd have to open the closet and like look up, look at this corner, that corner, that corner.

00:04:32.600 Where are we going? Please say you're rolling.

00:04:34.580 Like just, I was in just severe, dude, this is the thing.

00:04:39.800 We actually had a question that came in, put it, this is perfect timing, why don't you get that up?

00:04:45.420 Who are these hotties? 1.00

00:04:46.840 Hey Theo, hey David, which one of you two would win in a fight?

00:04:51.900 Well, is this even a tough question?

00:04:53.940 I don't know. I think you could win, man.

00:04:56.200 No, listen, the only chance I have at anybody is if all my anger from my dad leaving me comes out at once. 0.98

00:05:02.780 Because it's fucking percolating in there, believe me. 0.99

00:05:06.280 And I get fucked with all the time. 1.00

00:05:08.540 Always been fucked with as a kid. 0.99

00:05:10.380 That's why I felt bad for Chris Rock. 1.00

00:05:11.880 I go, he was always picked on.

00:05:13.640 And you grow up like that. 1.00

00:05:16.100 And then when I'm on dates, people see a pretty girl and they go, oh, he's this fucking guy? 0.99

00:05:20.940 So I've had them step right between us and start going, hey. 0.99

00:05:23.820 Talking to them like, she has a date. 1.00

00:05:26.860 And they're like, oh, fuck you. 1.00

00:05:28.600 And then I go, oh. 1.00

00:05:29.900 And even a girl sometimes goes, hey, come on, I'm with somebody.

00:05:32.780 And they go, come on, baby.

00:05:34.520 And so it's humiliating because they know I probably won't fight.

00:05:37.780 Right.

00:05:38.240 Oh, I see what you're saying.

00:05:39.460 And they're 100% right.

00:05:41.000 But unless you had that one power pop.

00:05:43.260 And so I even told Glazer, I see any of these UFC guys, I go, just if it goes down, where do I start?

00:05:48.800 So obviously I'm going to lose.

00:05:50.980 But where do I start?

00:05:52.240 You want a good shot.

00:05:52.780 So I get something. 1.00

00:05:54.020 And then they at least go, oh, this little fucking pussy at least hit me. 1.00

00:05:57.900 Yeah. 1.00

00:05:58.500 Because my brother used to beat the shit out of me and hold me down. 0.97

00:06:01.440 And there's so much anger and rage. 0.99

00:06:03.660 But long story short, you'd win.

00:06:05.540 But we would never fight.

00:06:07.660 And you got a cool shirt on today.

00:06:09.600 We would never fight.

00:06:10.260 Thank you, man.

00:06:10.860 You're not fighting a guy who gives you these compliments.

00:06:12.680 I appreciate it.

00:06:13.260 That's a great call.

00:06:14.420 That's a great point.

00:06:14.840 Where did you get?

00:06:15.500 That's a good shirt.

00:06:16.500 Dude, Sugar Sean gave us these.

00:06:18.000 We saw his fight, man.

00:06:19.240 Oh, yeah.

00:06:19.560 That's right.

00:06:20.120 We went to the UFC fight.

00:06:21.180 Yeah.

00:06:21.740 Everyone loves walking around there.

00:06:23.080 And Theo's like this.

00:06:24.920 Everyone's like, Rat King, squeak, squeak.

00:06:27.300 Whatever you do.

00:06:27.900 Just throwing cheese.

00:06:28.700 Yeah.

00:06:30.280 You kind of walk like this.

00:06:32.220 You get to sit by Halle Berry, which is definitely.

00:06:33.780 Oh, that's right. 1.00

00:06:35.280 Shit. 1.00

00:06:35.560 We haven't even talked about that. 1.00

00:06:36.800 That was next level.

00:06:38.120 Halle Berry was so nice and so fun.

00:06:41.620 I know we're barely.

00:06:42.400 But, you know, when you sit right next to him, you have to talk to him.

00:06:46.640 Yeah.

00:06:47.080 And I have to go, who's this guy?

00:06:49.260 You know, I do fake questions.

00:06:50.620 I know what's going on.

00:06:51.460 Yeah.

00:06:51.900 But I go, do you think they're going to wind up scrapping?

00:06:54.120 She's like, in the main event?

00:06:55.440 Yeah.

00:06:55.600 I think they're going to eventually hit each other.

00:06:57.220 I go, good, good, good.

00:06:58.260 Oh, that's good.

00:06:58.940 Yeah.

00:06:59.080 Sometimes you'll just ask chick stuff just to get, just to like.

00:07:02.540 Just have my answer.

00:07:03.360 Yeah.

00:07:03.640 Or you make them sound smart.

00:07:04.660 I go, oh, yeah, you know a lot.

00:07:06.420 She goes, are the fighters going to fight?

00:07:07.940 Yeah.

00:07:08.200 And I go, ooh, someone's been here before.

00:07:11.360 Yeah.

00:07:11.680 You eat dinner in the evening.

00:07:13.680 Just easy stuff.

00:07:15.140 And then something happened.

00:07:16.060 I think we spilled her drink or something happened.

00:07:17.920 But we're right there.

00:07:19.320 And then remember Jared Leto talked to you?

00:07:21.420 Yeah.

00:07:22.020 That was cool.

00:07:22.900 Yeah. 1.00

00:07:23.220 At first I was like, damn, that chick's fine as fuck. 1.00

00:07:26.240 Then I'm like, oh, that's Jared Leto. 1.00

00:07:27.940 And he's still fine, yeah.

00:07:29.060 And he's still pretty good looking, man.

00:07:32.000 Jesus, dude.

00:07:32.520 Yeah, we stumbled him to him.

00:07:33.800 We were on the way to the back to try to go to, just get some food or something.

00:07:39.040 There's a back room and he was just sitting outside.

00:07:41.500 Yeah.

00:07:42.140 Remember?

00:07:42.720 That was fun talking to him.

00:07:43.340 He was sitting outside like a raven.

00:07:45.000 Yeah.

00:07:46.260 Yeah, he was like up on a...

00:07:48.000 Now we're more.

00:07:48.920 Yeah.

00:07:49.400 Yeah, he did.

00:07:49.980 And then we walked by and we're like, is that a purse? 0.99

00:07:51.740 Yeah, we're like, damn. 0.98

00:07:53.220 Is that thing... 0.99

00:07:53.920 I thought he'd fly away.

00:07:56.160 Yeah, he flew off.

00:07:57.500 But he goes, hey, dudes.

00:07:58.640 And then he said he was very nice.

00:08:00.920 Yeah.

00:08:01.280 And then he said, did he live somewhere near you or something?

00:08:04.620 He's from Louisiana.

00:08:05.720 Oh, okay.

00:08:07.220 So he chatted about that.

00:08:08.220 I was like, oh, I'm out on this one.

00:08:09.380 You're like, oh, I'm from Arizona.

00:08:10.840 I'm like, I heard it rains hard there.

00:08:12.960 I'm from Sheriff Joe country.

00:08:14.980 I go, one time we were all at a scorpion convention in Arizona.

00:08:19.260 I'm like, who cares?

00:08:20.620 I go, hmm.

00:08:21.380 I mean, it's sort of interesting.

00:08:22.600 I had a bolo tie with a scorpion in it.

00:08:24.360 Remember I told you the other day?

00:08:25.480 I go, put a bolo tie with a scorpion in it.

00:08:26.980 Scorpion in it.

00:08:27.740 Yeah.

00:08:28.440 And they have those.

00:08:29.620 Yeah.

00:08:30.120 AZ all the way.

00:08:31.360 So we were at the fight.

00:08:32.240 We had a good time.

00:08:33.440 Saw Dana.

00:08:34.320 We saw Dana.

00:08:35.340 Oh, yeah.

00:08:35.940 We sat right behind Dana White.

00:08:37.580 And he would tell us what's going on.

00:08:38.860 It was fun.

00:08:39.900 He'd be like, hey, get out your blood cups on this one.

00:08:42.380 You're going to get a scorpion. 0.84

00:08:43.860 You're like, it's like being at a Gallagher show.

00:08:46.820 Yeah.

00:08:47.300 One time he even had some blood on his hand and he rubbed it on my gums.

00:08:50.660 He goes, you want a gummer?

00:08:51.660 Yeah.

00:08:52.400 He's like, oh, this will help a little vitamin O.

00:08:54.920 It is.

00:08:55.440 They go, all right, put on your blood raincoats like Gallagher. 0.94

00:08:58.260 And they smash the guy's head. 0.52

00:09:00.540 Yeah.

00:09:01.060 I think Rogan, was he at that one or not?

00:09:03.200 Yeah.

00:09:03.640 He was there.

00:09:04.640 That was a wild one, man.

00:09:06.240 That was a good one.

00:09:07.060 There were some comics repping.

00:09:08.760 Yeah.

00:09:09.160 It's fun.

00:09:09.700 But a lot of people knew you.

00:09:11.300 It doesn't shock me, but that is sort of your crowd, though.

00:09:14.860 Who is it?

00:09:15.420 You mean like ruffians or like UFC people?

00:09:18.380 Yeah.

00:09:18.820 Yeah.

00:09:19.460 We've had a decent amount of UFC guys that have been on here, actually.

00:09:22.440 There's a picture of Dustin Diamond Poirier right there.

00:09:24.440 Somebody made us.

00:09:25.420 Oh, yeah.

00:09:25.780 You know what's fun is seeing him in the back just walking around.

00:09:28.320 Yeah.

00:09:28.640 Oh, and we saw, remember who was there?

00:09:31.040 Oh, yeah.

00:09:31.620 Remember right when we walked in, Dustin came over and said, what's up to us?

00:09:33.920 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:09:34.980 That's great.

00:09:35.600 All those guys are very cool.

00:09:37.440 That was cool.

00:09:38.140 I was like, knock him out.

00:09:39.200 And he's like, uh-uh.

00:09:40.100 Oh, but then remember, didn't he lose?

00:09:42.360 He didn't win.

00:09:44.360 He lost?

00:09:45.920 He came in second.

00:09:47.700 That's right.

00:09:48.900 Or it was a no.

00:09:49.560 That was hard for you to say.

00:09:50.600 And it was hard.

00:09:51.160 It was hard for all of us.

00:09:52.420 But the hard one was.

00:09:53.120 One B.

00:09:53.340 He came in one B.

00:09:54.140 He almost won.

00:09:56.040 There you go.

00:09:56.680 He almost won.

00:09:57.460 And it was tight. 1.00

00:09:59.620 And then he's such a fuck. 1.00

00:10:01.400 His mitts are so huge. 1.00

00:10:03.100 He shakes hands.

00:10:03.840 He's like, I'm like, oh.

00:10:05.800 Yeah.

00:10:06.240 So then we see him.

00:10:08.840 And remember, we're like, should we say something? 1.00

00:10:10.480 Because you don't want to look like an asshole. 1.00

00:10:11.700 Like, I don't want to talk to you because you lost. 1.00

00:10:13.320 But we want to say hi.

00:10:15.560 But, you know, sometimes it's like, if you have a bad set, you don't want people coming 0.97

00:10:18.800 up and giving you fake compliments and shit. 0.96

00:10:21.160 He was pretty cool. 0.93

00:10:23.000 And he's always really affable.

00:10:24.960 You know, real super nice and stuff.

00:10:26.460 He was pretty cool afterwards, even though.

00:10:29.480 You know?

00:10:29.740 I mean, I know it's just that kind of stuff is so hard.

00:10:31.360 It's hard.

00:10:31.700 He's very polite, even though his head was spinning.

00:10:33.640 I'm sure.

00:10:34.060 Like, what am I doing?

00:10:35.200 He was so bummed, I'm sure.

00:10:37.280 And this dude was good.

00:10:38.840 He was at night, right?

00:10:39.840 Yeah.

00:10:40.940 Sugar was out there.

00:10:41.820 He's a real.

00:10:42.520 And he's AZ, right?

00:10:44.020 Yeah, he's Arizona boy.

00:10:45.100 Just had him on here like a week ago.

00:10:46.800 We're getting out there.

00:10:47.780 Did you play any sports growing up?

00:10:49.300 Did you play any?

00:10:50.220 I could see you doing like baseball.

00:10:51.800 I could see you like baseball and you're like the guy that bunts every time or something.

00:10:55.380 They send you in.

00:10:56.120 You're like the mighty bunter. 1.00

00:10:57.200 They say, bunt with your dick. 1.00

00:10:58.600 Just stick it out there and let it hit you in the nuts. 1.00

00:11:00.780 And then it's going to go about a foot. 0.96

00:11:02.020 And then you run.

00:11:03.480 And I go.

00:11:03.900 If you can run. 1.00

00:11:05.640 Hit in the dick by a ball. 1.00

00:11:07.120 I go, how would I do that? 1.00

00:11:07.880 I go, you don't have any feeling down there, do you? 0.99

00:11:10.360 Don't you have like a little puss? 1.00

00:11:11.640 And I go, well, that's rude. 0.99

00:11:14.280 And also it's a coach talking to you about it.

00:11:15.880 He goes, I'm a coach.

00:11:16.620 I'm not a scientist.

00:11:17.320 I'm just guessing by eyeballing you.

00:11:19.480 So, but I would.

00:11:20.260 I did play second base and I did like.

00:11:23.360 Oh yeah, I loved it.

00:11:24.300 I love baseball.

00:11:26.260 That's the hot corner.

00:11:27.180 Second base is the hot corner.

00:11:28.780 Second base was hot.

00:11:29.880 It was actually more responsibility than you think.

00:11:32.180 Oh, no.

00:11:32.700 I think it's all the responsibility. 1.00

00:11:33.940 Short sucks too. 0.97

00:11:35.140 But those are the two good ones. 0.99

00:11:36.660 But you're getting shelled.

00:11:38.220 Yeah.

00:11:38.540 I mean, that's, there's action. 0.99

00:11:40.580 And then the coach's like, this fucking pipsqueak's getting too much action. 0.99

00:11:44.020 And then the worst is in third grade that the pitcher went down. 0.99

00:11:48.300 Oh, what happened?

00:11:49.160 I got called up.

00:11:50.460 Like wild thing.

00:11:51.600 To pitch? 1.00

00:11:52.240 Yeah, the biggest puss in the fucking tri-state area. 1.00

00:11:55.860 They go, Spade, you're up. 1.00

00:11:57.560 I go, up what?

00:11:58.440 I go, I can barely throw it to first from second.

00:12:01.460 So I have one bounce. 0.98

00:12:04.600 So the eye pitch, I, and I was like this doing all the histronics, like stretching and shit. 0.92

00:12:09.420 I was terrified. 0.99

00:12:10.520 Were you licking your face? 0.81

00:12:11.480 Like, do you even know what to do? 0.99

00:12:12.460 Were you like doing some of the wrong shit? 0.99

00:12:13.900 I had like a cornhole bag, spinning it around. 0.99

00:12:16.320 I don't even know why.

00:12:17.260 And then it looked professional.

00:12:19.060 You're putting eye black on it.

00:12:20.240 Yeah.

00:12:21.020 I was sharpening my cleats.

00:12:23.140 Meow, meow, meow.

00:12:24.200 I was like, are we starting yet?

00:12:25.760 And then I pitched.

00:12:27.000 And these guys were so excited.

00:12:29.220 Because it was just home run derby.

00:12:31.060 I think I got 11 hits in a row.

00:12:33.300 And then they go, what were we thinking?

00:12:35.520 Coach fired.

00:12:36.280 There was a quick vote in the stands to fire the coach. 1.00

00:12:40.840 Oh, damn. 1.00

00:12:41.800 Yeah. 1.00

00:12:42.360 So that, I played kickball.

00:12:45.220 And yeah, I think everyone played kickball.

00:12:48.420 That was the last time it was kind of even.

00:12:50.940 And then I played, I went up for football.

00:12:53.260 Oh, that was psychotic.

00:12:54.420 What?

00:12:54.880 Yeah, dude.

00:12:55.600 Where?

00:12:56.820 What school were you at?

00:12:57.840 Scrappy.

00:12:58.480 Saguaro in Scottsdale, Arizona.

00:13:00.200 They're good now.

00:13:01.120 They have a great team.

00:13:02.960 And, but I went just because my friends were.

00:13:05.060 And you know how you do.

00:13:05.560 Oh, yeah.

00:13:06.760 There's no puss on the horizon at all.

00:13:08.920 I'm not famous.

00:13:09.700 There's nothing clicking.

00:13:10.860 Right.

00:13:11.120 You're at that age too where it's everybody still playing kind of.

00:13:14.240 Everyone's playing.

00:13:15.140 Yeah.

00:13:15.500 And you know, there was a, there was a varsity and there was B.

00:13:18.280 So if you weighed under something, it was B.

00:13:20.420 But you all started together.

00:13:22.440 And then they put you on the B squad.

00:13:24.940 But by senior year, that's when I went up, I think.

00:13:28.980 No, I was, I was a junior because I got clocked so hard. 0.99

00:13:32.180 It was fucking Lucas. 0.99

00:13:35.720 Exactly. 0.99

00:13:36.420 Really?

00:13:36.820 Remember that movie, Lucas?

00:13:38.060 I don't know if you've seen it.

00:13:38.560 Is that about the alien?

00:13:39.540 Let's pull up a picture of that.

00:13:40.460 Can you just see what it is?

00:13:41.720 Yeah, no, I don't think.

00:13:43.960 Lucas?

00:13:44.720 It's like Malcolm in the Middle, but a movie?

00:13:47.520 Basically.

00:13:47.920 Well, I was a cross between Powder and Lucas.

00:13:51.960 Lucas is, Corey Haim was it?

00:13:54.740 God, I love you have a big screen here. 0.99

00:13:56.060 This thing's fucking professional. 0.99

00:13:58.340 Corey Haim was this little puss and he liked this girl and he goes out for football. 0.99

00:14:02.820 Can you click on it? 0.52

00:14:03.200 Can we watch just an hour and ten of it?

00:14:06.480 Just real quick.

00:14:07.620 And he goes up and he gets cremated.

00:14:11.240 Charlie Sheen is a stud.

00:14:13.740 Wow, Charlie Sheen is in this?

00:14:15.260 And this little carrot top girl is his girlfriend. 0.65

00:14:17.880 Winona Ryder's in it? 0.99

00:14:18.920 Hell yeah, Noni's in it.

00:14:20.860 Wow.

00:14:21.720 And so Charlie Sheen is the stud. 0.98

00:14:23.140 He's nice to Lucas because he's a little puss. 0.96

00:14:26.160 And then Lucas likes this girl. 0.92

00:14:28.440 But of course she likes Charlie Sheen.

00:14:29.920 Of course.

00:14:30.580 At least keep it afoot in reality.

00:14:32.880 She's not going to go bone down on Lucas.

00:14:35.600 Look at it, he's like 3'1".

00:14:37.580 Charlie Sheen's a full adult.

00:14:39.040 Oh, yeah.

00:14:39.380 I guess he's in high school.

00:14:41.060 And the girl's really cute. 1.00

00:14:43.140 And he's like a little nerd.

00:14:44.160 He's like, have you ever looked at a grasshopper up close?

00:14:47.240 And he thinks that's a panty dropper.

00:14:48.560 But the girl's like, no, I know.

00:14:50.160 I step on him.

00:14:51.520 And then he's like, let me hop in that grass.

00:14:53.480 He would have followed with that.

00:14:54.800 Yeah, they had grass back then.

00:14:56.160 She had a bushka. 0.99

00:14:57.360 Oh, yeah.

00:14:57.680 I don't know if they showed it.

00:14:58.520 I sort of pictured it.

00:14:59.600 I can't imagine they showed a bush in the movie, huh?

00:15:01.720 Was it a children's movie, eh?

00:15:03.720 It looked like she had Lucille Ball in a scissor hole. 1.00

00:15:06.520 Big fucking red mongo bush. 0.99

00:15:09.120 Oh, what I like, I like that Jada Pinkett Smith. 0.99

00:15:11.400 You know what I'm saying?

00:15:11.860 I like nothing down there, bucko.

00:15:14.460 That's what I like.

00:15:15.080 Knock, knock. 0.93

00:15:15.480 I like that alopush.

00:15:17.120 Oh, you like alopush?

00:15:18.000 I like that alopush, yeah.

00:15:19.540 I like that alopush. 0.94

00:15:21.220 Sickening. 0.98

00:15:21.660 That's gross. 1.00

00:15:22.340 You guys are disgusting. 0.99

00:15:23.420 Dude, one time I remember this guy threw the, it was my first time ever at bat, right? 0.99

00:15:27.980 And we hadn't even had a practice, bro.

00:15:29.720 That was our team.

00:15:30.960 And we were the Playville Cubs.

00:15:32.740 But some of them, they'd messed up some of the jerseys.

00:15:35.660 And some of them said clubs.

00:15:36.760 Some of them said like, it was flubs.

00:15:39.520 It was like, look.

00:15:40.800 Yeah.

00:15:40.960 Like it was just, none of it made any sense.

00:15:43.460 Dude, I get up there.

00:15:45.360 This is baseball.

00:15:46.380 This is, yeah.

00:15:47.220 This is baseball.

00:15:47.700 Or football.

00:15:48.480 It could have been either one, but it was baseball.

00:15:50.860 So I get up there.

00:15:52.100 The guy throws it at me, right?

00:15:54.520 So hard it hits me.

00:15:55.900 This guy, Eric King.

00:15:57.220 He was like, had the toughest arm in town, dude.

00:15:59.980 Yeah.

00:16:00.280 And he throws it at me.

00:16:01.580 It hits me.

00:16:02.240 I vomited.

00:16:03.420 Puked right out of my own mouth.

00:16:05.340 Because you got hit so hard?

00:16:06.540 Oh, dude.

00:16:07.000 It was unbelievable.

00:16:08.740 He was the best thrower, you know, semi-local thrower.

00:16:11.840 And he hit me, and I vomited.

00:16:14.800 And they called a strike, bro.

00:16:17.000 What?

00:16:17.340 And I was like, fixed.

00:16:19.760 Oh, bro, 100%.

00:16:21.080 Then another time, I finally got on base.

00:16:24.300 It was like the eighth game of the season.

00:16:25.820 I don't even know.

00:16:26.160 I think there was like a plate tectonic shift.

00:16:27.900 And literally, like, I just slid from home plate over to first base.

00:16:32.900 Like, I didn't really naturally get there by any skill of my own.

00:16:36.100 A plate tonic shift?

00:16:37.880 Yeah.

00:16:38.120 And so the ground just, like, went up on one side, and it was like.

00:16:41.080 Yeah.

00:16:41.660 And so I'm at first.

00:16:42.760 Sometimes that happens.

00:16:43.140 So I'm like, I got to steal, dude.

00:16:44.760 If you can't do anything else, you got to steal a base.

00:16:48.340 What an attention getter, though. 0.65

00:16:49.960 A stealer?

00:16:51.140 That's a tough move.

00:16:52.620 Oh, very hard, dude. 0.98

00:16:53.720 Especially if you have white legs. 0.90

00:16:55.920 So, dude, I get out there, and I went for it. 0.82

00:16:59.760 Halfway through, I get appendicitis, bro.

00:17:02.120 My appendix busts.

00:17:04.280 I'm laying on the ground crying, dude.

00:17:08.020 Crying.

00:17:08.480 Is it after you got hit in the appendix?

00:17:11.240 No, this was like eight games later.

00:17:12.400 Oh, I was about to say.

00:17:13.200 No one's connected those dots.

00:17:14.640 Yeah.

00:17:15.000 So I'm out.

00:17:16.380 And I'm just bawling, dude.

00:17:17.880 It was absolutely the worst thing. 0.98

00:17:18.700 What a puss. 1.00

00:17:19.320 In front of everyone, you're crying? 0.99

00:17:20.660 Oh, yeah.

00:17:21.060 Because it was so much pain.

00:17:21.940 My appendix, it was like, I don't even know what happens.

00:17:23.820 I think you get, like, sepsis or whatever.

00:17:26.260 Something happens.

00:17:26.900 But, you know, I was dying on the inside, and the coach was like, get to first, get to second.

00:17:31.600 And just yelling racial and sexual slurs at me.

00:17:34.900 Sure. 0.56

00:17:35.800 Queer! 1.00

00:17:36.300 You know, just like, get there!

00:17:37.740 All the things I'm against saying.

00:17:39.040 Yeah.

00:17:39.700 But, yeah, you said, yeah, people would pepper those in in the old days, and it was not cool.

00:17:44.000 And it really was humiliating.

00:17:45.640 Oh, it wasn't cool.

00:17:46.420 And you were getting shelled with them, I'm sure.

00:17:48.500 It was awesome.

00:17:49.420 Daily.

00:17:49.600 Look at this little, yeah, boner monkey, they would call me. 0.98

00:17:52.820 A little boner donor. 0.98

00:17:53.920 Yeah. 1.00

00:17:54.440 Yeah, look at this little fucking stick visitor. 1.00

00:17:58.300 Excuse me. 1.00

00:17:59.820 Stick visitor.

00:18:00.780 Look at this little stick visitor. 1.00

00:18:01.380 It's getting very vague.

00:18:02.640 I don't even know if they're offensive.

00:18:05.320 I'm not sure.

00:18:06.100 People are like, nah.

00:18:07.440 I'll let that one slide. 1.00

00:18:08.780 Look at this little fucking jerky loiterer over here. 1.00

00:18:12.240 Jerky loiterer? 1.00

00:18:13.000 Oh, did you tell them we went to that party?

00:18:14.980 Is that anything worth talking about?

00:18:16.300 Well, I talked the other week about how we went, and we ended up seeing Chris Rockman.

00:18:21.000 Oh, yeah, that party.

00:18:22.200 That party was star-studded.

00:18:24.440 Dude, there was a lot of, yeah, it was.

00:18:29.660 We saw Matt Stafford.

00:18:31.080 You see a lot of different people that you would never see in one spot.

00:18:34.120 That's the fun part about it.

00:18:35.000 Yeah.

00:18:35.680 Yeah, David took me to the Oscars, and so then we saw to the Oscars party.

00:18:40.620 And, yeah, and it was all, I mean, it was really super interesting.

00:18:43.980 Right, it sounds stupid if people don't want to hear, like, you see people, but you see

00:18:47.040 people that are in movies or something. 0.81

00:18:48.900 I saw the guy from CODA.

00:18:51.220 I talked to him.

00:18:52.680 Actually, he's deaf, but he came up.

00:18:54.400 We talked.

00:18:54.840 He's from Arizona.

00:18:56.020 Oh, yeah.

00:18:56.440 So we talked.

00:18:57.080 He had an interpreter.

00:18:57.920 He was a stud.

00:19:00.020 He sort of got his night taken away.

00:19:02.820 Oh, yeah.

00:19:03.540 From the whole incident.

00:19:04.660 That was a drag, because he won.

00:19:07.000 It was a big deal.

00:19:08.700 They won right after that, right?

00:19:10.560 They won sort of close.

00:19:11.660 The one right after was Questlove, I think, won, and that was 1,000% forgotten.

00:19:15.620 And then they brought everyone out from The Godfather, which was so cool.

00:19:18.460 No one cared.

00:19:19.160 Nobody cared.

00:19:20.040 It was like, Chris Rocko.

00:19:21.320 I was right, is Will Smith still out there?

00:19:22.480 He's on the loose.

00:19:23.340 Yeah.

00:19:23.620 Is he going to hit him again?

00:19:24.620 Yeah.

00:19:25.160 Yeah. 0.54

00:19:26.280 Oh, gross.

00:19:27.380 But we saw fun people and some comedians.

00:19:30.240 It was interesting.

00:19:31.000 I'm trying to think of who else we saw.

00:19:32.480 We're at that guy's house, dude.

00:19:33.820 Oh, and then we went to Gaios series, has a big party, and that was a fun one, too.

00:19:38.280 And when we left, it was still pouring in with famous people.

00:19:42.160 They go to all these different parties.

00:19:43.680 I stayed up until 2.30. 1.00

00:19:45.060 That was a fucking record. 1.00

00:19:46.780 Yeah. 0.99

00:19:47.060 That was like, not since New Year's Eve when I was about 12.

00:19:50.640 Wow.

00:19:51.000 Yeah.

00:19:51.660 Dude, remember right when we rolled in, some dude was in there just doing blowing something,

00:19:55.160 like some yoke was in there?

00:19:55.740 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:19:56.700 I remember, but a lot of people knew you there.

00:19:59.340 That was fun, because you'd see people like, you saw some dude from One Direction.

00:20:03.420 Remember?

00:20:03.720 Oh, yeah, we saw that dude.

00:20:05.380 Some guy from Euphoria, I remember.

00:20:07.260 Oh, yeah, we saw.

00:20:08.160 Jon Voight we saw.

00:20:09.380 You knew him.

00:20:10.360 We saw that girl, Sydney Sweeney, and I go, hey, you're good on that show. 0.99

00:20:13.180 I was like, shut up. 0.83

00:20:14.260 Oh, I didn't even know that. 0.99

00:20:14.920 Leave her alone, yeah. 1.00

00:20:15.920 But she just walked by, so I go, oh, hey, you're like, you know.

00:20:18.200 But that's what happens.

00:20:18.860 At least you have like a free pass at those things, because every single person is known for something.

00:20:25.060 Right.

00:20:25.240 You can say hi to anyone, really.

00:20:26.660 Right, yeah.

00:20:27.080 It's like courtesy.

00:20:28.100 Yeah, and there's no like PR people in there or anything.

00:20:31.020 No, they can't get between.

00:20:32.620 But you just say hi, get mad on her, say someone's good, or you saw their movie, so it's fun.

00:20:37.500 But that night was pretty good, and then we left.

00:20:40.400 Oh, we saw Kim K, right? 0.95

00:20:41.620 We left, remember?

00:20:42.440 Yeah, dude.

00:20:42.820 She popped out of a Sprinter.

00:20:43.960 I think she walked butt first out of it, I feel like.

00:20:46.440 In my imagination, that's what happened.

00:20:48.580 It was just like.

00:20:49.280 She at least said hello.

00:20:50.140 That was nice.

00:20:50.840 Dude, I feel like her butt cheeks were wearing earrings, dude. 1.00

00:20:52.980 They were?

00:20:53.800 I didn't even look.

00:20:54.560 Yeah.

00:20:55.560 She is someone, all those Kardashians, I never see.

00:20:58.520 Yeah.

00:20:58.720 For being out here and being in showbiz, I never see them.

00:21:03.000 And one of them looks different.

00:21:04.160 I mean, one of them got facial surgery.

00:21:05.600 You know, she looks a little bit different, but still, I think she was there, too.

00:21:08.860 Chloe was there.

00:21:09.580 Chloe was there? 0.68

00:21:09.960 Yeah.

00:21:10.160 Maybe.

00:21:11.080 I didn't see her.

00:21:12.980 I saw Kendall on my flight the other day, and I didn't say anything to her.

00:21:16.580 You saw her on your flight? 0.99

00:21:17.320 Yeah, I didn't bore the fucking shit out of her with my antics. 0.97

00:21:20.300 Where were y'all going? 0.99

00:21:21.860 Hey, you want some peanuts?

00:21:23.280 You know, I had a couple zingers ready.

00:21:24.860 Yeah.

00:21:25.140 A couple zingers.

00:21:28.880 Why are we taxi so far?

00:21:30.380 Did you ever get into, like, whenever you were growing up, was there ever, like, what was that, like, a job that you had at the time?

00:21:37.240 Because you got into football.

00:21:38.520 That's interesting.

00:21:39.760 Did you have any job at the time?

00:21:41.260 Did you ever get in the football game?

00:21:42.640 I got nailed so hard in rehearsal.

00:21:46.700 This is why I didn't make the cut.

00:21:48.260 I called practice rehearsal.

00:21:49.900 I was, like, a drama guy.

00:21:51.140 I wasn't even in drama, but I was just saying things wrong, and I was like, when's rehearsal today?

00:21:55.980 And then this guy, I was 114.

00:21:59.740 I remember, I think I was 134 in full pads.

00:22:01.840 But I took weightlifting.

00:22:02.620 I was actually a little scrappy.

00:22:04.780 Yeah.

00:22:05.840 I've sort of deteriorated since then.

00:22:07.420 But then I was kind of, not tough, but I could wear the pads and not cry.

00:22:13.000 And I was a good jump roper.

00:22:14.900 Oh, really?

00:22:15.200 Because we took weightlifting as an elective.

00:22:17.440 And I could do crossovers, doubles, backwards, forwards.

00:22:20.840 I was great.

00:22:21.680 Wow.

00:22:22.080 Oh, yeah.

00:22:22.700 Chicks love that fast feet. 1.00

00:22:24.200 Yeah, I'm like, what's up?

00:22:25.140 What's up?

00:22:25.600 What's up?

00:22:26.160 In between.

00:22:26.960 Deesh, deesh, deesh, deesh.

00:22:28.060 And then they're like, oh.

00:22:30.580 Family was poor, so I canceled that out.

00:22:32.960 And then when I went for football, I remember this guy hit me so hard that, just like that movie, they just said, you got to get out of here.

00:22:40.980 I appreciate you came down.

00:22:42.260 I appreciate it.

00:22:43.320 You came down.

00:22:44.880 Yeah, I came down like, thanks for trying.

00:22:46.500 I was probably at practice for 11 minutes.

00:22:48.740 It was just like, even my own friends were like, just sit in the stands with the girls like you used to. 0.53

00:22:55.080 Yeah, God loves you.

00:22:56.140 I had nothing, yeah.

00:22:57.260 Maybe do something with the church or something.

00:22:58.640 Yeah, so I sat out there.

00:23:02.660 And they go, maybe jump in on that bake sale.

00:23:05.980 Help the gals out. 1.00

00:23:07.620 Do the carpet match the drapes?

00:23:09.200 You see people ask themselves sometime, or somebody will ask you, do the carpet match the drapes if they're trying to see your body or see you naked?

00:23:17.680 And men will ask that to women sometime. 0.83

00:23:21.360 Did a carpet match the drapes or whatever?

00:23:23.820 Did a curtain match the floorboard or whatever they say? 0.98

00:23:26.160 And gay men will say it too. 0.97

00:23:28.620 Does the sideburn match the nut hair? 0.97

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00:25:58.020 So I did that and then I went and I was a skateboarder though.

00:26:02.200 That's where I was having fun.

00:26:03.960 Yeah, I was always a skateboarder.

00:26:05.360 So pools, pipes, there's 22 foot pipes out there.

00:26:09.400 And that stuff was big in Arizona.

00:26:10.700 Like that's one of the areas.

00:26:11.680 I mean, just West Coast and at least Arizona had some of that overflow.

00:26:14.960 It's a great no money pastime.

00:26:18.420 On my Instagram, I like all these skateboard things.

00:26:20.700 So it comes up my feed.

00:26:23.720 Well, yeah.

00:26:24.100 And also they have all those abandoned washes and stuff or those empty washes in the...

00:26:28.140 Those aren't great.

00:26:28.820 They're rough on the wheels because they're not as smooth.

00:26:31.460 But they had 22 foot desert pipes, which are a thousand percent illegal.

00:26:34.880 They're out in the desert.

00:26:35.660 I don't know what they're making.

00:26:37.680 I'm sure that Rogan would have a field day with it because they're just out there for no reason.

00:26:41.540 And then we go skate them.

00:26:43.220 And one time I was trying to get to vertical, but it's such a wide transition because you're going up, you're going up, just trying to get halfway up.

00:26:49.240 But it's terrifying because vertical is 11 feet up.

00:26:52.720 And so I got to vertical and I was almost weightless because you're so high up.

00:26:56.620 And then you're getting to where your feet are above your head, you know, because you're trying to lay out a front side.

00:27:02.100 And then my board, I lost, you know, kind of traction.

00:27:06.460 So I flew off the side from 11 feet up and just hit. 0.98

00:27:10.060 And my Jody and my brother Andy, they just saw a little puff of fucking dust come up. 0.98

00:27:15.000 And then they heard me go... 0.99

00:27:17.000 I started crying.

00:27:18.660 Dude, I started crying.

00:27:21.520 Isn't it bad when you get hurt so bad that a sound comes out of you that you didn't even know it was in you?

00:27:25.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:27:26.220 The initial hit was like...

00:27:27.560 And then I go... 0.99

00:27:29.880 And then I go, is there a fucking sheep over there? 0.99

00:27:34.040 Dude, I used to make... 0.99

00:27:35.260 When I would get real, I'd be like...

00:27:37.780 Gross.

00:27:38.460 Trying to hide the pain, too. 0.99

00:27:39.700 That's the worst part.

00:27:41.740 Breathe through it.

00:27:45.420 Dude, when you're trying to pretend like you're not hurt, you're like...

00:27:48.560 Yeah.

00:27:49.380 It's so embarrassing.

00:27:50.480 Even in front of guys, I'm like, oh.

00:27:52.200 So I...

00:27:53.020 Ultimately, the wrap-up to that story is I was doing this skate park.

00:27:56.460 I was trying to learn aerial axle stars where you go up, you do an aerial, and you land on your trucks.

00:28:02.780 Do an aerial?

00:28:03.520 Like you fly out about a foot, and you land on your trucks, and then you drop back in. 0.99

00:28:07.880 It's fucking terrifying. 0.92

00:28:09.340 And this is where I knew I'm too much... 0.99

00:28:11.260 I couldn't take it.

00:28:12.320 It's too scary.

00:28:13.260 So I do it.

00:28:15.000 I miss it.

00:28:16.240 And I fall all the way down to the bottom, as predicted, why I'm scared.

00:28:21.620 And then I broke both wrists.

00:28:23.640 Uh-oh.

00:28:24.580 And the consensus around the bowl was, get out of the pool. 1.00

00:28:28.240 Damn. 0.99

00:28:28.880 Get out. 1.00

00:28:29.740 Get your board.

00:28:30.740 We're next.

00:28:31.600 Why are you still in the pool?

00:28:33.460 And so I had to like get it, sort of grab my board somehow, and run out.

00:28:38.260 Oh, that's hard, too.

00:28:39.500 And then, yeah, I'm like this.

00:28:40.900 And then I go, I think my arms are broken.

00:28:44.260 My brother goes, you're fine. 0.99

00:28:46.000 And I go, god damn. 0.99

00:28:47.180 He goes, we just got here. 0.99

00:28:48.700 And I go, all right.

00:28:49.560 Because we had two hours to skate.

00:28:51.020 So I go, all right.

00:28:51.880 So he has me lay on our Lee car.

00:28:54.100 Remember Lee car, that old car?

00:28:55.780 It was like really tiny.

00:28:56.680 Bring it up.

00:28:57.180 You're too young.

00:28:58.100 Show him a Lee car.

00:28:59.040 And so I laid on the hood, you know, like on the windshield like this, 0.99

00:29:02.480 with my arms out, like I'm on a fucking IV drip. 0.99

00:29:05.680 That's not it. 0.99

00:29:06.460 That's the General Lee. 1.00

00:29:07.560 Yeah, what the fuck? 1.00

00:29:08.820 Jesus. 1.00

00:29:10.340 Anyway, don't fire these guys till after.

00:29:12.480 And so...

00:29:13.600 He zooms in like it's still it.

00:29:15.340 He's back to General Lee.

00:29:16.380 He's like, oh, you mean Boss Hawk?

00:29:18.240 I'm like, no, you're getting farther away.

00:29:21.200 It's called L.E. and then car.

00:29:23.360 Yeah, le car.

00:29:24.260 Yeah, le car.

00:29:25.020 So I'm laying on the windshield.

00:29:27.240 And then the skate park guy goes, hey, Andy, you got to take your brother home. 1.00

00:29:30.120 He goes, fuck that. 1.00

00:29:31.100 We just got here. 1.00

00:29:33.220 And because we drove all the way there and we got the car for the night.

00:29:36.380 We had two hours. 1.00

00:29:37.420 And he goes, fuck. 1.00

00:29:38.620 And my stepdad is a doctor. 1.00

00:29:40.320 So I went home.

00:29:41.120 He drove me all the way home, flooring it the whole way.

00:29:42.920 He goes, I'm going to come back.

00:29:44.060 You're like hanging your wrist out the window to keep him cool?

00:29:46.000 Yeah, I'm by the way, terrified.

00:29:47.220 So much stress. 0.98

00:29:47.760 No wonder my neck's all fucked up. 0.98

00:29:49.200 So I get home. 0.99

00:29:50.520 He dumps me with my stepdad and goes, hey, fix me.

00:29:52.940 He says he's hurt. 1.00

00:29:53.660 He's a fucking pussy. 1.00

00:29:54.940 And he goes, goes back to the skate park. 1.00

00:29:58.300 My stepdad, drunk, as always.

00:30:00.520 He's a doctor.

00:30:01.880 He goes, let's take you down and take a look.

00:30:03.760 So we go to take x-rays at 11 at night.

00:30:07.800 I look around the corner.

00:30:09.240 I'm no doctor.

00:30:09.840 I see two cracks down the middle of it.

00:30:11.580 And he goes, he's staring kind of fuzzy.

00:30:13.180 And he goes, well, let's sit on it until tomorrow and see what happens.

00:30:17.760 I go, see?

00:30:18.460 They're broken, dude.

00:30:19.960 Even my friend goes, hey, dude, I didn't know they were broken.

00:30:22.520 So he goes, I go, what are we waiting until tomorrow?

00:30:25.020 He goes, just let's play it out.

00:30:26.800 I go, what are you saying?

00:30:27.920 There's nothing to play out.

00:30:29.060 And he goes, ah, you're a little bit rattled.

00:30:31.120 I go, they're broken.

00:30:33.040 I'm in so much pain.

00:30:33.780 But we don't have Advil back then.

00:30:35.120 We don't have Vic and nothing.

00:30:36.060 Yeah, and you couldn't even open a bottle of Advil.

00:30:38.240 I can't even imagine. 0.99

00:30:39.000 Oh, I can't do shit. 0.98

00:30:39.780 I'm just like holding up in the air like, small whimpers. 1.00

00:30:43.100 Go home, sleep, impossible, so much pain.

00:30:45.360 Next day he goes, now he's clear-headed.

00:30:47.140 He goes, we got to fix those broken arms.

00:30:49.380 I go, yeah.

00:30:50.300 So he just gives me a cast because I'm going to school.

00:30:52.540 No, he gives me a splint on both of them.

00:30:54.240 So I go to school, first day of freshman year.

00:30:56.720 And you know what?

00:30:57.340 I looked cool.

00:30:57.980 It was right before the first day of school.

00:31:00.140 Freshman year, new high school. 1.00

00:31:01.560 And they're like, who's this fucking hard ass? 1.00

00:31:03.440 Wow, because you had two splinter arms? 1.00

00:31:04.540 Yeah, I had, now my turquoise quicksilver shorts

00:31:07.200 might have canceled out my toughness.

00:31:08.820 But I had a new OP shirt from Miller's Outpost.

00:31:11.180 I was like, what's up, what's up?

00:31:12.780 White hair.

00:31:13.440 I had all the components of being cool, but no game.

00:31:15.860 I was tan back then, skinny. 0.98

00:31:18.880 I had fucking long white hair. 0.97

00:31:20.060 I was a skater. 0.99

00:31:21.060 My brother was cool.

00:31:22.760 So my brother was cool.

00:31:24.220 And then I was a math guy at my...

00:31:27.420 So then you got into math.

00:31:28.460 You went from baseball to football to skateboarding.

00:31:30.180 Well, I was always...

00:31:31.000 This was eighth grade into high school.

00:31:33.360 Okay. 0.99

00:31:33.900 So I wasn't doing that shit yet. 0.99

00:31:35.420 But I was a math nerd and reading and all that in school. 0.98

00:31:38.980 So I didn't have many friends, except this little Vietnamese kid.

00:31:42.220 Really?

00:31:42.800 Named Shin.

00:31:43.980 And we would walk...

00:31:44.980 They name a lot of them after body parts too.

00:31:46.780 Yeah.

00:31:47.840 No, because his brother quad...

00:31:49.480 Oh, you're right.

00:31:51.260 So...

00:31:51.740 No, but his sister clavicle... 0.99

00:31:54.060 Wait a...

00:31:54.600 Yeah.

00:31:55.180 So I was smart for a while there.

00:31:58.720 And then it tapered off.

00:32:00.080 Oh, really?

00:32:00.580 But in second grade, I went down to fourth grade for reading and math.

00:32:04.280 Me and Shin.

00:32:05.220 Really?

00:32:05.620 Yeah.

00:32:06.100 So you went from second to fourth grade?

00:32:07.640 Yeah. 0.99

00:32:07.980 They're like, fuck, third grade, you're going all the way? 1.00

00:32:10.260 Yeah, third grade is a fucking joke for me. 1.00

00:32:11.920 Wow. 0.99

00:32:12.140 So I'd go down and go, hey, gals, got to run, got to run down to fourth grade for reading 0.77

00:32:16.340 and math.

00:32:16.820 Be back soon.

00:32:17.800 BRB.

00:32:18.580 But nobody cared.

00:32:19.620 Yeah.

00:32:19.920 They have big erasers down there too.

00:32:21.680 I go, it's a whole new world and you guys aren't ready for it.

00:32:24.720 Yeah.

00:32:25.080 So I go down there and then I got into chess and I was spelling bee champ in sixth grade.

00:32:32.060 I was chess champ.

00:32:33.100 I was...

00:32:33.780 Read 47 books in fifth grade.

00:32:37.020 Did you do that pizza hut thing where you get the pizza pan pizza if you read the books?

00:32:40.740 Did they do that?

00:32:41.780 No.

00:32:42.360 That might have been the Louisiana area.

00:32:44.200 Where you took it over there?

00:32:45.260 Yeah.

00:32:45.520 I think they baited you for reading for food.

00:32:47.180 Baited you.

00:32:47.760 Yeah.

00:32:48.400 Hey, if you can read, we'll feed you.

00:32:50.680 It's called the Read and Feed Program.

00:32:53.620 No, I went to state chess.

00:32:56.980 No, but I got measles.

00:32:58.100 Yeah, I couldn't play.

00:32:59.320 For spelling bee?

00:33:00.980 Oh, for chess.

00:33:02.520 Oh, I went to spelling bee state and I got smoked and then I went chess.

00:33:06.000 I fell out because I had measles for three weeks.

00:33:08.860 We've talked about this, the spelling bee word.

00:33:10.620 Because remember, I got beat on inconvenience.

00:33:12.780 This girl in our class or whatever was pregnant, right? 0.93

00:33:17.320 This girl, Helena, and I don't want to say her last name, but it's the Helena that was

00:33:23.520 pregnant if you're listening and went to school with me.

00:33:25.740 Every story, you're like, Helena had a rib in her forehead. 0.97

00:33:29.280 Well, she got pregnant, right? 0.92

00:33:30.460 She's in fifth grade.

00:33:31.460 Oh, yeah.

00:33:31.940 I heard about this.

00:33:32.860 She should be in the Guinness book, but go ahead.

00:33:34.500 And we didn't know you could even get pregnant, right? 0.99

00:33:36.740 But she won the fucking spelling bee, dude. 1.00

00:33:41.160 Preggers? 1.00

00:33:41.920 Yeah.

00:33:42.520 Wow.

00:33:43.120 Unbelievable.

00:33:44.080 And people were calling her all kinds of racial slurs and stuff.

00:33:47.160 But I remember, and she was white. 0.85

00:33:48.940 She was white.

00:33:49.400 Yeah, that was the crazy thing.

00:33:50.340 It was just people were just, you know.

00:33:51.700 It's just mean then.

00:33:52.560 They're just trying to be mean.

00:33:53.180 Oh, yeah.

00:33:53.640 Nobody was trying to be, like, helpful, you know.

00:33:56.080 But also, like, I remember inconvenience, and I tried to spell it, and I was up there 0.81

00:34:00.380 hot-dogging and shit, and I got- 0.87

00:34:01.880 Hot-dogging? 0.99

00:34:02.780 Yeah, and I got-

00:34:03.720 And that was it.

00:34:04.780 Well, my first word was apparatus, and I go, AP, AP, and they go, I go, come on.

00:34:12.080 I fixed it.

00:34:13.000 I didn't say that was the final one.

00:34:15.660 Wow.

00:34:16.180 And they shut you down like that?

00:34:17.480 Security walks me out.

00:34:18.620 Hey, we don't want a scene.

00:34:20.700 So I came back.

00:34:22.760 My mom's like, how was it?

00:34:23.940 I go, I won.

00:34:25.500 You lied to her?

00:34:26.420 No, I didn't. 1.00

00:34:27.060 I said I got fucking smoked. 0.99

00:34:28.540 But I got chess, and then I got older. 0.99

00:34:32.540 Oh, so when I watched, I remember I was with this comic, you know, like, I was probably

00:34:38.520 25, and he heard that story, and he never believed it, and he goes, we went to this movie

00:34:45.020 where it was about a kid that was going to play the best chess champion in the world. 1.00

00:34:48.520 It was some stupid movie. 1.00

00:34:49.700 Don't pull it up. 1.00

00:34:50.420 I don't remember the name. 0.77

00:34:51.680 And then in the middle of it, he goes, I knew you were a psycho, because I was just watching

00:34:55.380 it casually, and then they're showing the chess board, and in the middle of it, he makes 0.79

00:34:59.240 one move, and I go, no! 1.00

00:35:00.360 And he goes, the fuck? 1.00

00:35:02.600 I go, god damn, the queen! 1.00

00:35:04.800 And then they go, and what happened was that was the hugest fuck up, because the guy took 1.00

00:35:10.200 his queen, but I got it within milliseconds. 0.99

00:35:13.080 Oh, that's sick.

00:35:13.360 Because I was looking at him going, don't do it, don't do it.

00:35:15.780 Anyway, so then, oh, I had a story to tell you about, we were saying about when you're

00:35:21.280 at the Oscar party.

00:35:21.980 It's hard to, if anyone's still listening, it's hard to, you know, look cool at those

00:35:29.560 places, because everyone's so famous.

00:35:31.640 Yeah.

00:35:31.860 And I learned that lesson, because I was out one time with this young lady about, you know,

00:35:36.540 10 years ago.

00:35:38.200 And she was sort of squirrely, and then one time she goes, yeah, yeah, I'll go out.

00:35:41.640 And obviously not that enemy fine, but a little above my pay grade, you know, she's really 0.98

00:35:46.860 pretty, and blah, blah, blah.

00:35:48.120 Yeah, we know your history, dude.

00:35:49.300 Yeah.

00:35:49.500 So I go, all right, let's go, whatever.

00:35:52.340 So I finally, we're going to go out, and then, because we saw Casey Affleck, and remember?

00:35:56.400 Oh, yeah, we did. 0.99

00:35:57.640 I said something so stupid to him. 0.99

00:35:59.420 Oh, yeah, that was so great. 1.00

00:36:00.580 You're like, oh, man, sorry.

00:36:02.040 Oh, I heard you just got, I heard you got married.

00:36:03.360 No, I go, I heard you got married.

00:36:05.580 And he goes, I got what?

00:36:07.640 And I go, and then immediately, because I'm a little drunk, I go, wait. 0.99

00:36:11.480 What am I fucking talking about? 0.95

00:36:12.660 And he goes, well, I got divorced 12 years ago, and then I have been single for eight 0.99

00:36:19.480 years.

00:36:19.760 I go, yeah, that's it, I think.

00:36:22.140 Didn't even piece it together at all.

00:36:24.120 I just go, yeah.

00:36:25.200 I just tried to run over it.

00:36:26.420 And I don't know what sound is sitting there like, you heard the man.

00:36:28.800 Yeah, you're trying to back me up, and I had no case.

00:36:31.020 But it was so loud, too, so we're trying to talk.

00:36:33.260 Anyway, Casey, who's also a studly actor, so I always thought those guys are cool, like,

00:36:38.020 you know, these type, like Benicio Del Toro.

00:36:40.380 I like Sean.

00:36:40.840 He was there, I think.

00:36:41.600 All these actors that are cool.

00:36:43.280 And so, in the old days, I take this girl out. 0.98

00:36:46.460 This is the lesson I learned.

00:36:48.060 So, I know Joaquin Phoenix a little bit, and he goes, hey, we're going over to this thing,

00:36:51.620 me and Casey.

00:36:52.380 If you want to come by and just say hi or have a drink or whatever.

00:36:56.200 And I go, oh, I was like, ah.

00:36:57.840 I go, yeah, yeah, I'll come by.

00:36:58.840 I go, can I bring someone?

00:36:59.960 Because the truth is, if you're around people that are kind of well-known, if you bring

00:37:03.640 someone extra around, it's not bad.

00:37:07.460 It's just.

00:37:07.980 It's risky.

00:37:08.500 It's eyes and ears where they don't talk freely, and they don't want someone that might tell

00:37:12.260 their story somewhere or what you talked about or whatever.

00:37:14.460 So, I gave him a warning.

00:37:15.780 I said, yeah, yeah.

00:37:16.800 Very cool about it. 0.99

00:37:17.880 I bring this lady friend, and she's fucking all over them so hard. 1.00

00:37:23.820 And I'm like, immediately, I go, this is a mistake. 0.99

00:37:26.160 And she's like, oh, my God.

00:37:27.680 Oh.

00:37:28.320 And so, she's talking.

00:37:29.460 And then she literally, if she's not sweating him hard enough, she goes to one of them, 1.00

00:37:34.160 didn't you show your dick in a movie? 0.99

00:37:35.820 And I was like, this is a little out of line. 1.00

00:37:40.420 Yeah.

00:37:40.620 And he goes, oh, yeah, yeah. 0.99

00:37:41.760 Meanwhile, they're being respectful to me, going, fucking pull her off, dude. 0.99

00:37:45.300 Yeah. 1.00

00:37:45.720 Get your date.

00:37:46.480 And she goes, oh, I saw that one.

00:37:49.260 You know, va, va, voom or something.

00:37:51.660 Or yee-ow. 0.97

00:37:52.440 I go, I don't think that's appropriate.

00:37:54.940 Yee-ow. 0.81

00:37:55.720 That's crazy to see it.

00:37:56.860 Ooh, la, la.

00:37:58.620 And then she goes, yum, yum.

00:38:00.320 And I go, okay.

00:38:01.800 More, please.

00:38:02.500 Yee-ow. 0.81

00:38:04.900 Wow.

00:38:05.220 Wow.

00:38:05.660 And so then they-

00:38:07.740 Had she left you for them?

00:38:09.180 No, she would have.

00:38:10.520 She couldn't.

00:38:11.280 That was a ride.

00:38:12.400 So I go, oh, we're out of here or something.

00:38:15.800 Yeah.

00:38:16.360 And then I-

00:38:17.200 Sorry about this, dame.

00:38:18.420 Drove her home.

00:38:18.900 She's sticking her head up, just staring out the window like a dog, like how it was fun

00:38:22.680 for a while.

00:38:23.200 Yeah. 0.99

00:38:23.300 And now she's back with me and it sucks. 0.97

00:38:24.340 She's just watching Manchester by the sea on her phone. 0.98

00:38:27.220 On the way home. 0.99

00:38:28.240 Going, fast forwarding, is this the one with the dick in it? 0.99

00:38:32.000 So I was horrified. 0.99

00:38:33.480 And then I'm like, by the way, those guys don't even like you.

00:38:37.360 She's like, oh, they both gave me their number.

00:38:39.020 I go, oh.

00:38:40.060 No, they didn't.

00:38:40.840 They were very nice and cool.

00:38:42.400 And then I said sorry to them.

00:38:44.600 And then she didn't say sorry to me.

00:38:46.920 Oh.

00:38:47.260 And then that was that.

00:38:48.500 I dropped her at the curb.

00:38:49.560 I said, that's it.

00:38:50.600 You don't do that to spade.

00:38:52.460 Yeah, you're out of here, baby.

00:38:53.760 Yeah, baby.

00:38:54.960 Later, baby.

00:38:55.860 I know.

00:38:56.520 Don't make me put these on.

00:38:57.560 That's only happened about a thousand times.

00:38:59.200 Like it's the 1910s.

00:39:01.360 Moral of the story.

00:39:02.180 Don't be with super cool people all the time.

00:39:04.300 Yeah.

00:39:05.060 Don't worry.

00:39:05.700 Never happened to me.

00:39:06.480 You put in.

00:39:07.700 Do the question that came in about the.

00:39:09.880 Oh, yeah.

00:39:11.220 That fits in with what he was just talking about.

00:39:13.180 The girl, the guy that question.

00:39:14.940 Theo always rounds himself like, oh, you know these two guys.

00:39:17.040 They work at the septic tank company.

00:39:18.940 And the girl's like, oh.

00:39:20.420 So you make sure you're the king guy.

00:39:22.000 Yeah.

00:39:22.240 These hot chicks. 1.00

00:39:22.920 What's your secret?

00:39:24.700 What'd he say?

00:39:25.120 That you're good looking and that you're funny.

00:39:27.900 Can you play with him again?

00:39:28.960 Oh, he said hot chicks. 0.98

00:39:30.760 I'm not sure.

00:39:31.320 Can you play with him?

00:39:31.620 These hot chicks. 1.00

00:39:32.500 What's your secret?

00:39:33.420 It's Will Sasso.

00:39:34.600 That you're good looking and that you're funny.

00:39:37.540 I answered my own question, didn't I?

00:39:40.140 All right.

00:39:40.720 Gang gang, bud.

00:39:41.520 He's drunk.

00:39:42.480 Cheers.

00:39:42.940 Well, he's Canadian probably.

00:39:44.140 I was about to say, is he on that Alaska show where they live?

00:39:47.000 Yeah, you could see that.

00:39:47.960 Well, I think that's like Gold Rush or something.

00:39:49.580 Yeah, he's one of those.

00:39:50.000 Or Gold Salmon.

00:39:51.480 Yeah.

00:39:52.200 Salmon with gold inside of them.

00:39:53.740 Yeah.

00:39:54.040 Yeah.

00:39:55.700 What's the secret, you think?

00:39:56.860 What is the secret sauce, man?

00:39:59.040 No, I think the only thing, you know.

00:40:01.400 Because you're kind of the, you're almost, you're not the underdog when it comes to like 0.73

00:40:04.860 labia, but you definitely are like. 0.95

00:40:06.580 Labia.

00:40:07.120 That guy seems like a, you know.

00:40:09.340 Well, I think it was more, it was a combo of I'm on shows with pretty girls.

00:40:13.660 So like I play a skirt chaser on Just Shoot Me for six years.

00:40:18.800 Yeah.

00:40:19.280 And there's always, they pair me with a pretty girl. 0.79

00:40:20.980 So then I do it in grownups.

00:40:23.380 I'm like, hey, you know, and then I do rules of engagement.

00:40:27.460 And so that's sort of the thing.

00:40:29.220 So it's a little bit blurry because they go, oh, you date, but most of those are on TV.

00:40:34.700 And then in real life, sure.

00:40:37.160 I like girls that are kind of fun, funny and, and whatever my type is cute, but that doesn't 0.99

00:40:44.000 mean they like me.

00:40:44.700 So I, I'm just, no one's looking at me going, I got to hook up with this guy.

00:40:49.060 Right.

00:40:49.300 Just, you know them, you talk to them and then maybe eventually if you're, if you're

00:40:54.040 normal in LA, if you're actually just like reliable, normal, that's a good quality because

00:40:59.100 there's so many kooks that you start, they start to go, oh, this guy might be all right

00:41:04.800 just because he's not.

00:41:06.340 Oh yeah.

00:41:06.900 So nuts. 0.94

00:41:07.720 Like you just, as long as you just stay the course, eventually you're, you're the only

00:41:10.420 one on the road.

00:41:10.700 I would just be normal to them.

00:41:11.900 And then, you know, cause they're not like going to be jumping all over me.

00:41:14.680 So you just do whatever.

00:41:16.380 And then either you get a vibe at some point and, but there are some nice girls out there. 1.00

00:41:21.820 I went out with a girl recently and I really liked her, but she was out of town.

00:41:24.660 You know, she lives in New York and it's, that's a tough one.

00:41:27.900 Tried and really dug her.

00:41:30.500 It just couldn't, it's just too, it's too tough.

00:41:32.360 It falls apart.

00:41:33.160 Was there ever a time where you were going to settle down?

00:41:35.200 Did you have a, did you ever have like a moment?

00:41:37.000 Did you ever, have you been married or not?

00:41:38.540 I don't think so, no.

00:41:39.700 Have you, was there ever, did you ever think about it?

00:41:42.000 Like seriously, was there ever a time where you did?

00:41:43.840 Yeah.

00:41:44.120 Cause I struggle with that kind of stuff.

00:41:45.300 I struggle a lot with like, I don't know if I could, you know, I'd like to, I think

00:41:49.220 one day have a wife or something, but I don't know if I could, you know, sometimes.

00:41:52.760 I feel like I'm like that because I have run into that situation that got very close and

00:41:57.720 I go, I would be scared to disappoint them.

00:42:00.280 I just don't know if I could handle it.

00:42:01.800 But I think we all ideally would like to find someone very, very cool.

00:42:06.580 And in your head, you can picture it.

00:42:09.540 And that's what you would like to have it happen.

00:42:12.680 You watch it crumble all around you and you go, am I the one that's going to beat the

00:42:16.400 system?

00:42:16.780 Like, it's so tough.

00:42:19.080 And everyone's like, it's work.

00:42:20.600 I'm like, I don't want it to be, because I've done it where it's harder than my work

00:42:24.160 work.

00:42:24.420 Like, I'm just thinking about the girl.

00:42:26.480 They go, oh, she's mad. 0.53

00:42:27.900 You know, what do we got to do?

00:42:29.440 And so I never quite nail it.

00:42:31.980 And I will freely admit it's, I'm a lot better at other things than that.

00:42:36.080 I try to get it right.

00:42:37.260 And it's one of the curses of life.

00:42:39.740 It's very, very hard to get it right.

00:42:41.060 Yeah.

00:42:41.340 And I feel like it's unfair because I should get married.

00:42:44.140 I should, I don't know.

00:42:46.380 I just don't want to blow it.

00:42:47.420 And I watch my parents and I watch my people around me and the people always hate each

00:42:53.360 other.

00:42:53.660 And I go afterwards, I go, I don't want to hate someone.

00:42:56.420 I don't want them to hate me.

00:42:57.240 It's just so heavy.

00:42:58.820 And LA doesn't treat it like it's a big deal.

00:43:01.020 People get married for press.

00:43:02.140 They get married for an Instagram photo.

00:43:04.780 Oh, it's crazy.

00:43:05.360 And then they go, oh yeah, the average marriage is probably two years.

00:43:08.640 Yeah.

00:43:08.940 And that's a year they hung in longer going, we can't get divorced. 1.00

00:43:12.280 Yeah.

00:43:12.580 Yeah.

00:43:12.860 We got to at least be seen on the beach a couple more times.

00:43:15.080 But yeah, you'll see guys come out like they just came out of the mind.

00:43:17.420 They're like, oh yeah, it's been a good week with the wife.

00:43:20.080 And the guy's just like oil all over his face.

00:43:22.680 Yeah.

00:43:22.940 And the guys are no day at the beach either.

00:43:24.740 Or the woman too. 0.50

00:43:25.040 Yeah.

00:43:25.160 They're all tough.

00:43:25.620 The woman will be like, Jesus. 1.00

00:43:26.920 Yeah. 1.00

00:43:27.320 Because they put up with a lot of shit. 1.00

00:43:29.000 And it's a new world. 1.00

00:43:30.480 There's Instagram.

00:43:31.500 There's Tinder.

00:43:33.500 So it used to be you met the girl.

00:43:35.540 You saw it.

00:43:36.060 Like my friend in Arizona, he's got it made in a way.

00:43:40.120 I'm envious because he worked at this place.

00:43:42.360 He saw three girls every day in his day.

00:43:44.760 One worked at Circle K.

00:43:45.880 One worked at the post office.

00:43:47.660 So he picked the one he got along best with and they got married and that was it.

00:43:50.960 But there's no distractions in his life.

00:43:53.100 Right.

00:43:53.600 It's like that.

00:43:54.920 And he does that every day.

00:43:55.900 And they go out.

00:43:56.760 They have their kids.

00:43:57.740 And that's the way you do it.

00:43:59.140 And then I'm sure he's got grass is greener syndrome.

00:44:02.180 And then one girl said, the one girl that I actually got really close with, she said, I'm finding out as I get older, the grass is browner.

00:44:10.880 And it's such a great thing to say because you see the married friends and then you see a little behind the curtain and you go, it's not, you know.

00:44:19.680 And I'm not saying anti-marriage.

00:44:21.320 I'm saying if I did it, I would do my best.

00:44:23.400 Yeah.

00:44:24.040 I just, you're tying in someone else's life tears.

00:44:27.800 And that's, now you're responsible for two people.

00:44:30.120 And that's hard.

00:44:30.640 And you get their energy and your energy.

00:44:32.520 And it's hard.

00:44:34.140 It's hard to do.

00:44:34.740 Especially if you're real honest with yourself, if I know that I have these kind of maybe shortcomings or uncertainties, then if I know I'm going to go pin these without even having cured these or just know if they're issues for someone else.

00:44:47.040 And I'm going to go pin, because when you get married, you're kind of pinning those into somebody else as well.

00:44:51.020 Yeah, they inherit all your problems and they have to deal with them every day.

00:44:54.480 Because you've gone on dates.

00:44:56.980 Oh, yeah.

00:44:57.680 Have you ever dated two people at the same time?

00:44:59.340 And then they go, and you mix it up a little bit.

00:45:02.660 And I'm like, yeah.

00:45:04.920 I go, how's your mom?

00:45:05.660 Did she have fun?

00:45:06.500 Oh, yeah.

00:45:06.660 And she's like, at chemo?

00:45:07.760 And I go, oh, I thought she went to Magic Mountain.

00:45:09.640 That was the other girl. 1.00

00:45:11.380 You know what I mean?

00:45:12.600 And then you go, oh, is your mom okay?

00:45:15.920 She goes, it was her birthday.

00:45:17.300 I go, oh, yeah.

00:45:19.360 Like, how was Wisconsin?

00:45:20.540 Like, I'm from France.

00:45:21.580 And you're like, oh.

00:45:21.820 I go, I know.

00:45:22.960 I'm saying Southwest.

00:45:24.220 You have to stop there. 0.98

00:45:25.320 It's ridiculous. 0.88

00:45:26.580 Yeah, dude. 0.91

00:45:27.300 Yeah.

00:45:28.080 That's crazy.

00:45:29.040 What a layover you had.

00:45:30.760 No, I've been there.

00:45:32.020 I mean, but no, my younger self was, but still, obviously, listen, I'm not married, but I'm

00:45:40.880 no prize to go.

00:45:41.680 You get a lot of girls flirt with you. 0.97

00:45:44.340 Girls tell me they like you, and they like Kyle Dunnigan.

00:45:48.500 Oh, yeah.

00:45:49.120 Kyle was just in here, man.

00:45:50.140 Yeah. 1.00

00:45:50.540 Kyle's a fucking stud. 1.00

00:45:51.680 I was like, yeah, Kyle's got to get hurt. 1.00

00:45:54.120 I mean. 0.99

00:45:54.880 Kyle goes, he goes, I got a lot of shit from my friends because I was dating a girl 19 years 0.99

00:46:03.460 younger than me. 0.99

00:46:04.040 And he goes, but you know what?

00:46:05.280 I was in college.

00:46:07.480 Who cares?

00:46:09.260 So she was one?

00:46:10.600 He goes, yeah, whatever.

00:46:12.340 That's a funny joke.

00:46:13.300 Did they ever have any like pyramid schemes or anything like in your area when you were

00:46:16.780 growing up?

00:46:17.420 Do you remember that?

00:46:17.840 What a question.

00:46:18.520 Well, I think my mom was, you know, my mom was very tough.

00:46:22.680 She got divorced.

00:46:24.020 You know, my dad left.

00:46:26.020 I don't think she had a big vote in it.

00:46:27.700 We got to Scottsdale and he took off.

00:46:30.000 Was he a criminal or anything like that?

00:46:31.520 No, but he was, we were four, six, and eight, three boys.

00:46:35.920 So it's very tough for a mom with three boys.

00:46:38.480 Now we're starting to come back to why I'm crazy.

00:46:40.820 So she's pressured.

00:46:43.440 He pulled her out of college.

00:46:44.540 So she has no writing degree.

00:46:45.720 She's being a writer. 0.98

00:46:46.940 So she had to get two jobs, you know, department store, secretary, whatever, just to pay our 1.00

00:46:51.840 bills and, you know, just to barely make barely enough.

00:46:55.200 And so we were just sort of on our own.

00:46:58.700 Yeah.

00:46:59.320 And then, but she, she couldn't even date really.

00:47:02.620 You know what I mean?

00:47:02.940 It was a very big sacrifice.

00:47:04.740 Yeah.

00:47:05.180 It's a big sacrifice.

00:47:06.380 And then what did you ask me though?

00:47:07.460 I forget about that.

00:47:08.260 Pyramids games.

00:47:08.880 Oh yeah.

00:47:09.200 So she would get these jobs sometime where they would try to get her in on one of those,

00:47:12.820 like Tupperware, those kinds of things.

00:47:14.240 And she's such a sweet woman and, and you just see like back people taking advantage

00:47:19.940 and all that.

00:47:20.440 It's just such a tough world.

00:47:21.960 I, I, I don't know.

00:47:23.140 She really had a tough and she's still kicking and we all try to take care of her because

00:47:28.640 you know, that sacrifice, you don't know to your older.

00:47:32.440 Cause I was a kid, I was like, why don't we have more stuff?

00:47:34.240 Like we have no food, we have nothing, but she was doing her best.

00:47:37.920 And then I got a few beans in my jeans.

00:47:39.720 So I said, well, I'm going to take care of my mom.

00:47:41.500 She always said, I don't know.

00:47:42.460 Cause she will never ask for anything.

00:47:43.580 I said, mom, anything in my account is yours.

00:47:45.640 Like, I don't care how much you need.

00:47:47.160 Just take it because I would never be here.

00:47:49.480 So got her house and that kind of stuff. 0.98

00:47:51.600 But, but she doesn't want to ask.

00:47:53.780 And sometimes I go, do you need money or something?

00:47:55.600 Like how much?

00:47:57.140 I don't want to open a full account at QVC because my money will be gone in two seconds.

00:48:01.120 But I do, you know, a little bird fear.

00:48:04.320 Yeah.

00:48:05.180 Cause she's like every hour. 0.99

00:48:06.640 It's like a morphine.

00:48:06.980 She's a shop. 0.99

00:48:07.860 She calls me, turn it on, turn it on right now.

00:48:10.300 David, look at this.

00:48:11.860 It's a water bubbler that, and I go, what does it do?

00:48:14.760 She goes, oh, I don't know, but you grab it.

00:48:16.760 There's 10 left.

00:48:17.780 I go, mom, you're exactly the crowd they want. 0.94

00:48:20.680 You bite and they give it, then they tell you the old 10 left special price.

00:48:24.840 It's always like a baby diaper that sorts coins or something.

00:48:28.380 Like, oh, look at little Timothy's shitter roll of dimes. 1.00

00:48:32.140 He's shit, but look at this. 1.00

00:48:33.540 Here's a roll of nickels. 1.00

00:48:35.040 He's impressive.

00:48:36.400 He's saving, bro.

00:48:37.420 He's saving with every dump.

00:48:39.160 Get two things done at once.

00:48:40.380 So that's it.

00:48:41.540 So she's out in Scottsdale, and my dad, you know, came in and out.

00:48:47.120 Do you have both parents?

00:48:48.340 No, my dad died.

00:48:49.500 My dad would be like 120 right now, I think.

00:48:51.700 And then my mom, I have my mom.

00:48:53.680 So, and we have a tough time sometimes, but I, you know, even hearing you say that, it

00:48:57.160 just reminds me to like just be more cognizant of that.

00:49:00.380 Our parents went through different stuff, and they went through a different time, you know?

00:49:04.040 It was like just a different time back then.

00:49:06.120 You know, one time, my mom would get asked out, and it would be ruined, because she would 1.00

00:49:12.360 let us vote.

00:49:13.580 No way, really?

00:49:15.340 She goes, one guy was, I think the heir to the Anheuser-Busch family. 1.00

00:49:19.240 I'm like, fuck that guy. 1.00

00:49:20.820 Randy Bush? 1.00

00:49:22.100 No, Anheuser-Busch, like the Budweiser.

00:49:24.840 Okay.

00:49:25.560 Wow.

00:49:26.440 He was, he probably had a million dollars back then.

00:49:30.320 I mean, money's nothing now.

00:49:32.200 Everyone has a trillion.

00:49:33.160 But he was very rich, but my older brother totally cock-blocked that one.

00:49:37.960 Really?

00:49:38.500 My older brother, Brian, but he's super cool, and we get along great now. 1.00

00:49:41.660 But it was just, just being stupid kid shit. 0.99

00:49:44.060 But I remember she'd come home, and she goes, what about that one? 1.00

00:49:46.260 And I go, boo.

00:49:47.260 First of all, she didn't realize, we all didn't want a new dad, and we didn't want anybody

00:49:51.680 to take attention away from us.

00:49:53.400 So I'm like, you know, I've gone over it, Mom, and I think that's going to be a no-for-me

00:49:56.960 dog.

00:49:59.900 He's not going to Hollywood, yeah.

00:50:01.760 So, and then I'm like, I go, I like this guy who's an ice cream man or something.

00:50:06.220 I'm like, now that guy had a certain something.

00:50:09.760 That guy's got a certain je ne sais quoi.

00:50:11.740 Yeah, he had Otter Pops.

00:50:12.900 Yeah.

00:50:13.140 So I would go, and give us free ice cream.

00:50:15.220 I'm like, this guy's got something.

00:50:16.700 Yeah, this guy's special, dude.

00:50:18.280 Yeah, so she's great.

00:50:20.800 Yeah, my mom dated, I remember, like the first black, a black Jewish guy in our area, right?

00:50:26.680 Okay.

00:50:27.060 And we never-

00:50:27.700 I'm sure he had an easy time in the-

00:50:28.840 We'd never even seen it or heard of it, right?

00:50:31.320 Yeah.

00:50:32.880 And then she dated another guy that ran a car wash, and we thought that was amazing because

00:50:36.520 all the quarters, you know?

00:50:37.940 Oh, how fun.

00:50:38.740 When you're a kid, quarters are everything.

00:50:40.400 Oh, for asteroids.

00:50:42.300 Just whatever you want.

00:50:43.340 You're younger than me, but I loved quarters.

00:50:46.820 But the opportunity of- Mom, give me some quarters. 0.90

00:50:49.060 Everything's in quarters, yeah.

00:50:50.120 So when this dude would show up, just frickin' Johnny Jingle pants, you know, just like-

00:50:54.700 Wait, why did he have so many quarters?

00:50:56.060 Because he owned a car wash.

00:50:56.720 Oh, he owned a car wash.

00:50:58.460 But I love that he keeps the quarters.

00:51:00.460 Oh, he had so many quarters because the ladies would hear it.

00:51:03.340 Oh, Jingle Johnny.

00:51:04.380 Back then, there was something about that.

00:51:06.080 It was just like, you know, you were just that pants Santa, dude.

00:51:08.380 You just had that jingle going.

00:51:09.560 You got a jingle in your pocket?

00:51:10.980 Yeah. 1.00

00:51:11.100 No, I've got a tiny, soft dick. 1.00

00:51:12.840 She's like, no, I was trying to be sexy, but I've got a fucking half a pack of Serts. 1.00

00:51:18.660 Oh, no, that's my wiener, too. 0.99

00:51:22.660 Oh, I've got two Rolaids still left in a row.

00:51:26.340 Oh, yeah, Serts. 1.00

00:51:27.660 I was telling you something about Rolaids the other day, and I'm like, I wonder if Theo knows

00:51:30.880 what Rolaids are, because I say older references, Serts is definitely going back. 0.86

00:51:36.940 Serts? 0.98

00:51:37.600 Serts is going back, but Serts was surprisingly good, bro.

00:51:40.460 Oh.

00:51:40.940 And also, you know what my dad used to drink all the time?

00:51:43.800 Maalox.

00:51:44.260 Do you remember Maalox? 0.99

00:51:45.140 Oh, I didn't even know what it meant, but it means your kids are shitty because they're 0.99

00:51:49.420 giving you a stomachache at all the time. 0.99

00:51:52.000 My dad would drive around in this Cutlass, this Delta 88.

00:51:55.080 Hot.

00:51:55.360 He bought off a couple of brothers that lived around the block, and it had these huge speakers

00:51:58.960 in the trunk, right?

00:51:59.620 I mean, he's 80 years old.

00:52:01.400 He had these huge speakers just blaring Rush Limbaugh in like 870 AM.

00:52:06.020 Blaring Rush Limbaugh.

00:52:06.900 Just like with bass, though.

00:52:08.200 It was like Rush with bass, right?

00:52:09.820 Like, Paul Harvey, good day, you know? 0.86

00:52:13.180 And just sipping fucking Maalox, and he would come to pick us up at school, and it was so 0.97

00:52:17.840 embarrassing, dude. 0.99

00:52:18.940 It was like, he was older than my grandparents by 20 years, right?

00:52:22.620 My dad was.

00:52:23.620 So even when people came, people had never seen anything this old.

00:52:27.940 They'd never seen, we didn't have a book this old in our school.

00:52:31.120 Like, people had never seen, like, it seemed like the Mayflower was showing up, you know,

00:52:35.540 when he rolled off.

00:52:36.800 And he would sit and wait in the carpool, and he would doze off, dude, and he would just

00:52:40.240 have Maalox on his face, and it was just like, oh.

00:52:42.900 Oh, gross. 0.99

00:52:44.320 Somebody murder me. 0.99

00:52:45.760 You know, he's doing SPD farts. 1.00

00:52:48.960 Sinking them in those fucking seats. 1.00

00:52:50.740 In those seats, bro. 1.00

00:52:51.700 They used to really hold a fart.

00:52:54.300 They'd hold it. 1.00

00:52:54.960 You get out of school, you go, what the fuck? 1.00

00:52:56.440 He's like, eh. 0.99

00:52:58.340 My dad used to pick us up once, like every six months, you know?

00:53:03.040 And my mom, the hard part was, I look back, we didn't have his number.

00:53:09.720 It was a hard line, you know?

00:53:10.660 so he'd call us go get your dad on the phone you know she was never like slamming him but she's

00:53:14.420 like and i go all right we're so excited he goes how'd you like to go to shaky's friday we're like

00:53:20.840 fuck yeah so we all get dressed up and then he doesn't come but he doesn't call either you know 0.86

00:53:26.660 my mom's like get in here i'll make you some plums yeah he puts three plums down but uh she she goes 1.00

00:53:35.240 so my dad was like that and then he'd pick us up he goes i got a dune buggy and she's like what the 0.53

00:53:39.920 fuck never gave any child support once so she's like i'm like isn't that great and she's like i 0.83

00:53:44.320 mean kind of but we don't have food but sure and so he picks up a dune buggy and then we're like yay 0.98

00:53:49.120 dad and she's smoking her salems in the doorway going real hero and then but we loved it we never

00:53:56.560 even connected like yeah as a kid you don't know and then he's like he gave me a dollar she's like

00:54:01.780 well he owes us 70 grand you know that's a start so we yeah we never got child support she never

00:54:06.920 got alimony and he was just flouncing around single in scottsdale so she's close now if she

00:54:13.300 had instagram she would have blown her brains out i mean because she she could hear from her friends

00:54:17.140 like did you hear he was down with some floozy yeah and she's like i don't need to hear that but 0.99

00:54:22.100 down there at the bowl-o-rama yeah down there you know whatever dumb shit place we used to go to 0.97

00:54:27.000 and then she nowadays you're basically on low jack you know you've got everyone from dumois that site 0.96

00:54:34.640 different like if there's not enough paparazzi outside now they're inside now every person is

00:54:38.840 yeah everybody can rat you out so it's just a getting to be a dangerous world but it's it it's

00:54:44.860 fun sort of i guess you know the other day i got hit with a subscription for something it said uh

00:54:49.520 oh it was plywood i'd gotten me a couple cuts of plywood for the garage and um i ticked i ticked the

00:54:58.460 wrong box on the website and next thing you know i'm getting there keep shipping me just sending me

00:55:04.320 that peewood over and over i mean just i got so many pieces of it now damn i could really build a

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00:58:05.520 debt go to upstart.com slash theo and now back to the episode it's dangerous life's such a fucking 0.98

00:58:12.040 weird thing man you don't need to know everything about everyone at all times that's i know do you

00:58:16.240 miss the days when there wasn't when it wasn't social media do you miss that i i miss it because

00:58:20.700 well i mean there's some the funny answers lying is almost extinct yeah you used to be able to lie 0.84

00:58:27.980 about shit anything to everybody dude we would go camping and i remember one time we went camping 0.81

00:58:32.380 as a group with like a it wasn't boy scouts it was like boy scouts through the church it was basically 0.93

00:58:36.060 just like seeing who was the hottest one of the pastor or whatever you know what i'm saying like

00:58:40.000 it was shady right yeah they're like why are we camping just right by the church like right by or 0.82

00:58:44.780 right by the pastor's house and stuff why are we playing a game called orgy 0.56

00:58:48.280 yeah why is why is there a glory hole yeah why do we have orifice badges 0.99

00:58:56.360 so uh i remember the um oh shit what was i telling you about oh to uh we went to church 0.97

00:59:05.020 this camp what were we gonna say what were you saying 0.98

00:59:07.640 what were you doing what were we just talking about you remember

00:59:21.480 oh line oh and i remember we're going on this church camp and i told everybody that jay leno

00:59:28.440 died it was a three-day camp and i was like man you had him floating for three days on that one yeah

00:59:32.920 and nobody could know it was like you had so much ability to like um create like yeah part of

00:59:39.780 creativity is gone because everything can be creating lives yeah but everything can be fact

00:59:45.860 checked now yes i have to say i and i joke about that because i'm not a big liar yeah i have to say

00:59:51.120 that i'm pretty straightforward with everybody which is good and bad but but back but i'm saying

00:59:56.940 anyone you can't say anything back then you could say you're going camping and you could be your

01:00:01.160 friend's house next door your mom's for a week and no one would know no he's camping i just saw

01:00:05.480 but you know with everyone posting and this and that and ratting you out so but i think it's it's

01:00:11.620 good in a way but it's getting too much and and the problem with science and all these things and

01:00:15.920 technologies they're trying to like even emulate movies and they go remember when they came up with

01:00:21.260 this we should do that you're like they just made that up but now it's getting so far that you're

01:00:25.840 getting stuff you don't want you know and then when they get in ai and all this stuff robots will take

01:00:30.880 over i think it's just i think we might as well just fold our cards i mean we think it's going

01:00:34.880 to be way in the future it's probably in like a week yeah i can't believe we lost to something

01:00:38.540 that we created that's it's like yeah we're going to turn off our phones and the phone's going to go

01:00:43.060 oh i don't feel like being turned off right now and you go i'm sorry and then deesh deesh oh rabbit

01:00:48.960 punched my iphone that's not even legal and then uh i don't even have that app that's what scares me

01:00:54.820 yeah i'm i don't know but whatever um we got a question that came in right here from somebody

01:01:00.640 here's a guy this is like all the same guy three times in a row

01:01:04.640 vol hey vivon what up guys hey man i got a question for mr dirt himself yeah uh what's up with

01:01:14.620 joe dirt three dude those theo vaughn in the picture bring back brandy brandy brandy kid rock

01:01:23.940 come on everyone has the same reaction to brandy is this question still going um snakes and sparklers

01:01:32.220 jd3 brandy was so hot brandy was such a stunner man god god she still is i see her here and there

01:01:41.620 she's unreal uh she was half the reason that movie's so good is perfect casting yeah she was

01:01:48.320 great uh kid rock was great yeah um he's great he's got a new song out too he's got a new album

01:01:54.000 out he's got a dope new song out though i know he's so ridiculous i go i go you're such a nice guy 0.99

01:01:59.080 why do you constantly make people get mad at you you just you step in your own shit all the time 0.99

01:02:03.680 because i love it he can't help it yeah loves it yeah he loves to just be himself i get envious 0.99

01:02:09.420 sometimes he gets to just be exactly who he wants to be i mean we try i guess when you have no bosses

01:02:14.440 you can go out there and just do whatever you want that used to be the way it was you used to be able

01:02:17.940 to have opinions and you could say what you wanted and everyone's terrified i'm terrified everyone's

01:02:22.280 terrified just don't even say anything and then and then suddenly silence is violence i'm like well 0.84

01:02:26.680 you can't get me on every turn like i'm not saying something stupid and they go please say something 0.99

01:02:31.220 so i can 100 percent dissect it and shit all over you i know and it's horrible oh it's horrible out 0.99

01:02:36.840 there it's a horrible place it's it's a it's a horrible time for free speech in a weird way 0.98

01:02:42.060 but it's a time when we kind of need it more than ever in a weird way it just has to be that you

01:02:46.040 got to say it and stand behind it yeah you know that's not me but uh this guy joder three so we

01:02:52.160 did joder two and joder in covington in covington louisiana that's right boy did you know we were

01:02:58.000 there doing anything are you here here's the crazy thing and this is a this is a good thing and why

01:03:02.480 it's such a secret beautiful little place never heard of never oh my god never heard a word you

01:03:08.080 by the way just in a related story did you ever have a rat tail oh yeah where it's just a little

01:03:13.040 pin going straight down the back it's just a little thin one like a sparkler down and we used to put

01:03:18.120 that little like kind of uh they'd put a little ribbon in it if you were dating a girl a lot of times 1.00

01:03:24.560 she'd tie a little ribbon on the end oh like you're taking yeah sick this rat's mine huh just 1.00

01:03:29.960 roll up to sonic yeah the only cheese he's eating is over here oh you're like so cheese is your pussy 1.00

01:03:36.000 oh yeah i didn't really think that one through 1.00

01:03:38.440 so yeah but it's gouda joder oh it's pretty gouda it's pretty gouda uh joder three i would rather do

01:03:47.040 joder animated cartoon yeah i talked to somebody about that recently because then you can just be crazy

01:03:51.980 because my voice is about the same but i don't want to be too old strapping the wig on i'm like

01:03:57.920 what's crapping it yeah you know but i love i love the movie i love first of all i freely admit it

01:04:04.000 wasn't a huge hit um there was bigger hits out there i did but just to have one stay in the

01:04:09.860 world for all this time and number one thing i get asked about so to have something sort of stick

01:04:16.760 around and where i was like a decent person that usually i'm real sarcastic but it was like a good

01:04:21.360 guy a lot of people related to it yeah a lot of people get picked on it was very pro the south

01:04:27.340 because the south can sniff out when you're making fun of them yeah and i wasn't i was saying this is

01:04:32.160 cool and everything down there is cool and there's a couple bad guys but this guy's a good guy just 0.91

01:04:37.240 trying to get through fucking life so people sort of took it as like that's inspirational in a weird 0.60

01:04:42.440 way which is for saying a movie that's kind of a goofy movie but it did have that was oh yeah through 0.98

01:04:47.920 line so that's why i think it hit with people and uh i don't want to mess that up but it is fun to do 0.84

01:04:54.100 joder and stuff snakes and sparklers come up every fourth of july and i sell some joder shit on my 0.86

01:04:59.920 website you know it's fun because you got to keep it alive it's fun yeah was there ever a movie character

01:05:05.680 that you got asked to do that you wish you had done or one that never panned out that seemed like

01:05:09.240 it was going to be really sweet sometimes you'll kind of tell me about different scripts and stuff

01:05:12.620 well sometimes it's not really like i turned down big ones that were uh that turned out to be super

01:05:17.680 huge but there's some i read i i just don't have like if they told me right now we're gonna go do a

01:05:24.380 movie in uh you know europe for six months i probably wouldn't at this point in my life unless i loved it

01:05:31.760 so much it's just just for the idea of like oh i'm in a movie and it might you know i like to act

01:05:37.580 and i like all that but i like to also do my own shit yeah and it's hard sometimes to do other 0.60

01:05:42.620 people's stuff later in life unless it's really good and i'm not always getting the the top tier 0.88

01:05:48.540 best shit so sandler gets good stuff i mean he gets great directors i see why he keeps working he 0.74

01:05:53.400 he gets that and if he just points out and they make it there's i mean it's a power trip you just go 0.98

01:05:58.000 hey i like this one and then big directors go you want to work so i i kind of try to put my own

01:06:03.280 stuff together and uh and then then it's it's it's more fun and you get more invested and

01:06:08.580 if you got a little bit of money you don't have to work that hard i i don't mind working hard i just

01:06:13.500 you get to make your own choices at a certain point you kind of get to pick and choose you don't have

01:06:17.120 to take something stand up's kind of fun i mean you go on the road i've had a blast on this like

01:06:20.520 theater tour we're doing and and because you're responsible for everything so everything you do if

01:06:26.220 you do a good show it's your it's because of you yeah and you're not compromising you're not 0.90

01:06:30.140 running everything by one you could do a weird joke that night nobody gives a fuck yeah it is 0.91

01:06:33.960 real relaxed really is real comfortable i can't believe you just got in and started doing theaters

01:06:36.940 recently man you're doing i know i didn't and then you know when i did my special that comes out

01:06:41.380 april 26th so the special was and then i gotta get out of here but it might be today oh yeah i

01:06:47.860 don't even look at the calendar yeah uh but the special i don't know if i told you we were

01:06:53.460 going to do in austin and netflix said uh you know there's rules because of covid i call it corona

01:07:00.580 yeah old school but uh they they said you know austin won't go along with that yeah the theater

01:07:07.580 and i said i get it they have their own rules but so it was going to get shelved for six months and i

01:07:12.500 go i have another show the weekend after luckily i'm on kind of a tour i said minnesota good comedy

01:07:17.800 town i can add a show if this theater will do it and they said yeah we'll do it so we added a show

01:07:24.080 filled them both up went in there and i didn't think i played minnesota for i don't know how many

01:07:28.880 years maybe once in my life went in and then my opener was on and i was like god it's not killing

01:07:35.700 i go this might be a tough crowd and that's the worst scenario the night before i was in omaha it was

01:07:40.380 a blast yeah and i'm like but the one they tape and so i do my set it starts out a little slow and

01:07:47.220 then i i get rolling but then afterwards uh bobby the guy with me goes oh did you see they have masks 0.90

01:07:53.900 on i go oh they did fuck and he goes not just masks they give them n95s no and there's that's like 0.97

01:08:02.660 you're doing drywall yeah so you're like this and then you can't hear anything until once in a while 0.99

01:08:08.020 they go like this they take it off to fucking live and then and then i go use that noise 0.98

01:08:14.500 we'll count that as a laugh so i do a joke in here 0.97

01:08:17.140 so that was hard but i said i don't want to sweeten it and make it uh you know like fake laughs

01:08:25.680 so just take the laughs put them up five percent and if it doesn't sound like there's big laughs it

01:08:30.980 was pretty good shows the second show was better but i go it's there it you just look at the jokes

01:08:36.660 anyway and uh and they were a great crowd it just they couldn't be as great as they were

01:08:41.460 right oh it's insane with the masks cut off half the noise but i think it's i watched it we just we

01:08:47.360 put some clips out so i think it's gonna be a fucking blast to have one i've never done one for 0.94

01:08:51.140 netflix and my last one was comedy central so this one's really the one hopefully people will see 0.90

01:08:56.780 yeah but i offend people on it yeah good after the fucking oscars you're like i'm not taking 0.99

01:09:02.500 anything out but i was like oh you know fuck them you're like what is this wave like one day like 0.99

01:09:06.640 you should be as ballsy as you can then a month later like everyone should be really it's like when 0.99

01:09:11.960 you do movies i would do a movie and they go the hangover we need a hard r and right before you

01:09:16.660 hand it in they go mall cop came out we need a pg movie and you're handing it in a hard r and they're

01:09:20.620 like this isn't really what's cool right now and i go quit chasing the last one that worked

01:09:24.800 hangover was during pg and then they made it and they go oh that's cool now so get ballsy just 0.87

01:09:31.780 make whatever's good there's not as much balls in it anymore the balls have been gone this place

01:09:36.500 has been neutered me and you are writing one that's funny there's been spade yeah we're writing 1.00

01:09:40.440 we're writing me and theo are writing one everyone so fucking buckle up yeah get your fucking dicks 0.99

01:09:46.200 out all right any more questions on there or i gotta go um i think we're probably good anything 0.99

01:09:50.480 else exciting that came in oh what about that one gentleman came in in the blue shirt do you have him

01:09:54.280 i'm wearing green dude you look healthy you look and you look lucky too yeah i think with the green

01:10:00.780 yeah green's a tough one to pull off but yeah look at this dude what's up boss yo theo it's your boy cam 0.67

01:10:08.420 checking in from shark fool i got a question for my boy david though what's the craziest thing you've

01:10:14.000 seen happen on set for a movie you've been playing in any crazy stories anybody fighting anybody get 0.86

01:10:19.300 shot it or something like that let us know though theo i rock with you gang gang gang gang

01:10:25.800 thanks camp gang baby that's the one right there cam bro do you yeah any shootings anything violent

01:10:32.220 happen sets are pretty tame uh any fires any no this is the worst answer on grown-ups it was raining so

01:10:43.380 hard it rained almost every single day of the whole movie and it's supposed to be a fun summer movie

01:10:47.360 and it was flooding base camp you know and i'm like isn't this the fun and they go one day it's

01:10:52.800 sunny they go get a helicopter out and get like shots like drone shots of going over and making it

01:10:58.880 look beautiful and i go god damn i see the movie i go it looks great i don't know how they do it like

01:11:03.560 it looks sunny and fun we're at the water park and it's you know 100 degrees and 90 humidity i have a 0.92

01:11:10.640 wig in grumps this is a big story i'll tell you i have a wig in grumps and no one even knows that

01:11:14.600 what happened was um when we were doing the camera testing sandler's like all right you're this guy

01:11:21.180 is good and i go i'm gonna be like the single guy still i got a guy from high school like that he's

01:11:25.980 still got long hair he's in the 80s he hasn't like grown up you know okay and i said if i'm the single

01:11:31.040 guy maybe i'll be like him so i go get this blonde wig make it i look like i'm the guy from sticks you

01:11:36.940 know or something it's down here yeah and uh and then i go to the camera test everyone thinks it's 0.85

01:11:41.420 funny and then sandler goes i want you to be better looking this looks kind of stupid i go 0.82

01:11:44.880 all right so we shorten it by the way it's so hot already i'm in boston which plays into this story

01:11:50.980 so then they cut it and then i come back from the trailer we film it again he's looking he goes

01:11:55.700 ah shorter i'm like shit so we basically get it right where it is you know maybe an inch longer 0.98

01:12:01.820 he goes just do that it looks good and i go i'm gonna put a rat tail fucking what did i put in the 0.99

01:12:07.540 back oh ponytail like in the top but almost no one sees it's on tiktok sometimes people figure it 0.96

01:12:12.840 out but i put this i go put this little ponytail in it and and they go all right well you can just

01:12:17.760 use your real hair and i go how about i just use this and they go oh and they go it'll take an hour

01:12:22.900 out of your call time every morning and i said i could just put this on like a hat you just put a

01:12:28.800 bread in your hair put that on and i go i have a hat so i put one in a hat sewn into the wig so it's

01:12:36.940 just all one thing oh nice so sometimes i had a hat on and it's an hour less each day yeah wow so 0.91

01:12:43.580 and i have to drive an hour to the set so i go oh i get an extra juicy fucking hour and no one even 0.98

01:12:49.740 fucking knows exactly my hair so i go oh this is perfect yeah and then when people found out they 0.98

01:12:54.320 go fuck you could i do that no way dude no way dude and girls do it i think julia roberts said she 1.00

01:13:02.200 did it once in a movie she just made a wig over exactly her hair oh she put it on it's a pain in 1.00

01:13:07.160 the ass but i like the joder wig i like i like wearing wigs i don't want to fuck with it do you 0.99

01:13:11.620 have the joder wig at home i do you ever put have you ever put it on still every now and then i have 0.99

01:13:16.100 the joder wig that i wear you gotta let me put it on sometime you have it you ever put it on

01:13:21.000 i know but i want that original baby i have you know and i have farley's coat from tommy boy

01:13:26.000 his family gave me this it's like that checkered ones on the poster yeah that's so cool i have that

01:13:31.800 downstairs and uh my wig i have a lot of stuff from old movies dickie roberts benchwarmers i love

01:13:37.200 benchwarmers that was funny anything uh interesting happened in covington that you remember while you

01:13:41.940 was there no yeah no but i didn't i only reason i didn't stay there is because i had to go over

01:13:49.280 that fucking bridge it's like an hour bridge yeah and uh covington was beautiful and they kept saying 0.51

01:13:56.000 was it john goodman someone lives over there john goodman allegedly lived up there once they told me 0.99

01:14:00.380 that every fucking day of my life and they go john goodman he might come by when everyone get ready 0.95

01:14:05.640 i'm like he's not even there like it's a fake story and then but covington was great but the hotels 0.98

01:14:11.140 are smaller because it's like a little town but we went to shoot there and people would come over

01:14:15.400 and knew me and so i thought oh i don't know if i can stay here because they'll just

01:14:19.940 wait in the lobby you know yeah so i stayed back in town at the ritz yeah where it's safe i literally

01:14:26.260 go hey i'm gonna go to mcdonald's and the guy goes i wouldn't go to that one i go it's 20 feet away he

01:14:30.480 goes yeah i wouldn't go to the right he goes just go that way and i go what's the right he goes 0.97

01:14:35.260 do you want to get gunned down i go what the fuck this is the ritz they go hey they don't put that in 0.97

01:14:40.260 the brochure yeah no they don't so yeah you want a big funeral dude go get that exactly so i always 0.99

01:14:47.920 just walked out in fear wow but but is you know new orleans good place oh good all right well thanks

01:14:54.040 for meeting you yeah man nice to meet you too dude david spade thank you so much for your time

01:14:58.040 and you guys go check out his new special on netflix right now um or very soon it's called nothing

01:15:04.520 personal yeah that's a good title because it is nothing personal i make fun of people but you know

01:15:11.660 the truth is everyone gets pissed about all that shit i make fun of myself more so i'm not canceling 0.87

01:15:17.980 me so they shouldn't right what if you just canceled yourself that's the best way to do it oh that's a 0.99

01:15:22.680 good idea beat everyone to it i'm done what the fuck did you say about me and then i say you said you 0.98

01:15:28.680 a little shrimp cocktail i think it's offensive and i think that's it for you yeah and then i take 0.98

01:15:33.420 myself out of it you know and then i un-retire yeah yeah man it's backwards baby it's forwards

01:15:39.960 david spade thanks so much bro yeah man uh let's do it again in a couple years okay cool

01:15:44.580 now i'm just floating on the breeze and i feel i'm falling like these leaves i must be cornerstone

01:15:54.240 oh but when i reach that ground i'll share this peace of mind i found i can feel it in my bones

01:16:05.120 but it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking brake and let myself unwind

01:16:16.780 shine that light on me

01:16:21.460 i'll sit and tell you my stories

01:16:26.780 shine on me

01:16:32.440 and i will find a song i will sing it just

01:16:38.440 and now i've been moving way too fast on the runaway train with a heavy load of my

01:16:50.440 past

01:16:52.140 and these rails that i've been riding on they're worn so thin that they're damn near gone

01:17:00.500 i guess now they just weren't

01:17:02.380 ladies and gentlemen i'm jonathan kite and welcome to kite club a podcast where i'll be sharing thoughts

01:17:10.060 on things like current events stand-up stories and seven ways to pleasure your partner the answer

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01:17:20.260 and as always i'll be joined by the voices in my head

01:17:23.760 you have three new voice messages

01:17:26.640 a lot of people are talking about kite club

01:17:29.640 i've been talking about kite club for so long

01:17:32.440 longer than anybody else

01:17:34.080 so great

01:17:34.880 hi

01:17:35.860 swia

01:17:36.660 easy deal 1.00

01:17:37.920 anyone who doesn't listen to kite club is a dodgy bloody wanker 1.00

01:17:42.420 jermaine 1.00

01:17:43.120 hi

01:17:44.320 i'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a mcflurry

01:17:47.440 sorry sir but our ice cream machine is broken

01:17:49.280 i think tom hanks just butt dialed me

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01:18:08.140 and yes don't worry my brad pitt impression will get better

01:18:11.660 thisอน my brad please

01:18:17.620 and the next trouble of kite club is tell everyone about kite club before then

01:18:20.720 couple you still needchmal

01:18:20.760 you still need to know what ride

01:18:22.640 so мат Jane

01:18:23.160 you still want to know what's the fact that once when we get to your computer

01:18:25.080 and then you say now that you simply don't use to your deadlines

01:18:27.700 then let's go again because remember it

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - April 26, 2022

E390 David Spade

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