E391 Shane Gillis
Episode Stats
Length
1 hour and 29 minutes
Words per minute
193.7116
Harmful content
Misogyny
42
sentences flagged
Toxicity
549
sentences flagged
Hate speech
171
sentences flagged
Summary
Comedian Matt & Shane's Secret Podcast is a podcast that features Matt and Shane's secret stories and stories about life, love, and comedy. In this episode, we talk about growing up in a small town in the late 80s and early 90s, how he got started in comedy, and what it was like growing up on the streets of Austin, Texas.
Transcript
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We hope you're enjoying your Air Canada flight.
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We added a show right in Los Angeles here for the Netflix is a joke festival.
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That's at the Wiltern, Albuquerque, May 18th, Midland, May 19th in Texas, Lubbock, Texas, May 20, Dallas, Texas, May 21.
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And a show has been added there and selling well.
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If you have friends over there in Georgia, you know, people that love Georgia, you tell them about it.
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Daytona Beach and Lakeland, June 25th and 26th.
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Grab your tickets at TheoVaughn.com slash T-O-U-R.
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Thank you guys so much in advance for your support.
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And I look forward to seeing you on the Return of the Rat Tour.
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And he has his own podcast called Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast.
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He has his special Live in Austin, which has over 4 million views on YouTube.
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Do things start feeling a little bit different?
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I don't think you know that it's really happening to
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More of it's happening for other people in some ways.
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The way that I noticed it started to seem for me
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Did you ever have any interaction with the Amish?
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But if I'm somebody that's close to that udder
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The crazy part is people that yell out like, queers
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Called me the n-word a couple months ago, dude
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I feel like there's some sense of romance about it
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We kept a lot of the brothers out of the fight
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But like Lee and fucking Stonewall Jackson
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carney nebraska i was wondering who do you guys think would win in a cage fight with you two
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against each other maybe to the death um maybe just the first one to get penned i don't know
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it's up to you guys uh anyways gang gang i think you would probably uh i think we would be a good
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fight yeah yeah it's an interesting thing to do to a guest on a podcast yeah have a guy i'll be
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like oh let's take some questions yeah do you think you can beat me up dude well that's true
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what the fuck yeah i didn't think about that sorry man no it's totally fine uh and i didn't even know
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we're gonna have this question actually i think uh i don't know again same thing with the patriotism
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i've never seen you in action yeah yeah but i've got probably a hundred pounds on you so that'd help
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or hurt that's a good point yeah it could be interesting i think it'd be a good match i think
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so too yeah that's cool um yeah i'm trying to think if there was anything else that was super
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like we would go spend time like i'm just trying to think of times that were really really funny
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when you were young like what was the most well once things once girls come into the picture
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some of the fun starts it's still there but it changes then it's about being cool yeah there's
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a certain level of coolness that kind of comes in then as well there's a lot of fun being mean to
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your friend who's trying to be cool yeah that's fun like when you see a kid trying to pick up a girl
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yeah it's very fun to be like yeah you're gay yeah for trying to do that
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yeah i'm trying to think of thing other things that were great when i was young
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i mean so much of it was fun field trips bro when you were going field trips nuts it was nuts yeah
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just on the bus on the way to the zoo yeah with your bros oh and girls that was when it was nice
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when you started getting horny yeah and then you'd go on a field trip and you'd be like nice i'm
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sitting with the girl yeah yes this is so cool we're gonna kiss oh you're like damn melissa's
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sitting with shane that's crazy crazy yeah how'd that even happen what a come up dude yeah and
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you're like damn he's really changing i guess and then other guys would feel so defeated you're
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like i'm still sitting here with freaking marcus yeah you know this dude's ugly yeah but they would
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have more fun actually no i would have a but that was so fun when you started dating for the first
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time in your life like yeah that shit ruled now it sucks i'd rather hang out with the bros
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yeah it definitely if i was on a field trip i would hate it if i was sitting with my fucking
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girlfriend oh yeah that's true huh it is interesting yeah you go through these phases
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where it's like one is kind of better than the other when you're really horned out bro when you
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got your hormones rolling in your body damn man them bitches yeah god i can't believe it yeah you
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can't believe this this is so sick yeah holding hands i'm gonna slow dance bro when your teacher
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would come over and lean over to tell you something you would see an edge of a fucking
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tit we had these weird i would almost throw my dick off of my body it was crazy i couldn't
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handle the pressure we had a lady that was like 70 she's like 70 years old huge tits oh great tits
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but looking back at it it's like damn that's crazy i was horny for that lady every day for like four
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years every day i'd just stare at this lady's old giant tits yes yeah and teachers would try to
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dress as unseductive as possible which made it even hotter dude give me that i need to see that
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yeah i want that b minus tit i don't mind that i like a good totally covered woman yeah me that makes
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me even more horny see that's why i could really see you i could almost see you look like an attractive
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amish woman if you had the bonnet on and the full regalia like fucking rosie o'donnell in league of
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their own oh damn dude you know who just messaged me the other day was roseanne bar hit me up and
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sent me a dv yeah i texted her i don't think she texted me back actually i wish she would i used to
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want to tour with her it'd be awesome so cool that would be cool she was so cool man um yeah so now
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you're are you moving into theaters in some spaces do you like that what's that like i haven't i
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haven't headlined a theater really actually at all yet yeah um that's i think that's gonna start
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next year wow we're working on that right now yeah actually this year i'm doing some theaters in
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england and ireland oh wait i saw that you're going to the shepherd's actually yeah that'll be my first
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dude that'll be my first one oh yeah wow bro yeah that that audience is gonna flip for you i hope
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that'll be cool dude that's so cool yeah i'm excited about that are you going to scotland as well
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yeah glasgow glasgow that's where i went yeah yeah it's probably the same run yeah it probably is man
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first the first time you did it was probably it's got to be the same promoters probably
00:51:37.300
yeah we get well they let me pick i think at edinburgh and glasgow and i picked glasgow
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it's just more working class over there you know yeah i'm doing like manchester yep leeds glasgow
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london and dublin damn yeah it'll be cool and then australia which yeah i've never been over there
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how's that oh the best don't even do not come back and give yourself an extra week over there bro i i
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i mean i was there for two weeks doing shows but i should have taken like a week and just stayed
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just yeah maybe i will do that it's yeah because it's so hard to kind of get back over there
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yeah i know that's not like i'm excited about it but i'm already mad about the flight yeah it's gonna
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suck yeah well i think there's just a way to manage it do you do you have trouble with um with the
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flying and traveling and stuff you kind of okay i don't mind the flying but i usually fly first now
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yeah i'm big dude if i sit coach i'm literally i feel bad right because i like i'm i'm the guy
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when you see me walking down the fucking aisle you're like please don't sit next to me oh you
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know what i mean yeah or at least in my head that's oh right probably right if i was somebody and i saw
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me a big long jack yeah don't fucking sit next to me dude you're not gonna fit yeah so i feel bad
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so i'm like i'm afraid to touch the person next to me i sit like this for like four hours i'll have my
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shoulder yeah it sucks yeah i do that too i would used to actually lace my arms under the seatbelt
00:52:57.120
in front of me like this that's probably put them both yeah it's a good way to keep them there yeah
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does you keep them there and because i was usually tired and i would i would be an erratic sleeper
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like that and so i didn't want to hit anybody while i was while i was kind of laying there yeah i was
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losing it yeah first class flights to australia are like twenty thousand dollars is it really they're
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crazy well i i definitely noticed this that anything that's expensive is now extremely more
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expensive like inflation's gotten crazy and um i think they're just billing everything out the
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wazoo like even i notice now if you get like a suite at a hotel like a regular room might be one
00:53:29.920
180 160 a suite now is like 900 you're like yeah it's just crazy i mean it's just i don't know
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it's a lot man yeah i hope it doesn't continue to suck it would really blow if we got into like
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for real hyperinflation and like shit did go bad what what could happen would suck
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do you think you could handle yourself do you have any preparation like do you have any
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i don't even i don't have a gun i don't have yeah i live in fucking new york it's hard to go on
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can you have you can get a gun there probably yeah probably maybe not in alphabet city yeah maybe
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not even there anymore yeah new york if shit started to go bad i'd get the fuck out of new york
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right that wouldn't be that'd be the probably the last place in america i would want to be
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or get on a ship too there's a lot of ships leaving out of there ships would be good
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people don't think about that i asked somebody one time where would you want to be if the world
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was falling apart and they'd be like i'd be i'd get on a ship and go like a couple hundred yards
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off the coast i'm like yeah oh great idea and just come back in when you need snacks yeah or fish
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yeah it'd just be like your vending machine yeah what else was i gonna nashville would be good for
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that this would be a good area for what shit started going pretty bad but you're centrally low so
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there's a lot of people that can really attack you yeah you know i think anyway um
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has it been weird after uh the covet ended in new york has it been weird has it been normal do you
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find yourself missing the pandemic at all yeah i miss the pandemic a lot i left new york i was just
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at my parents house a lot shit ruled i was down i was down in the basement playing video games
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yeah i had an old xbox 360 the ncaa 14 on it i played it for like six months oh yeah his mom
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would make dinner it was wonderful god that is nice it was great and it was nice not fucking
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drinking every day it was nice hanging out not going to bars just fucking sitting at home i mean
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i could do that now but yeah do you do you uh i feel like i missed it too i feel like i missed it
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was less people on the roads oh that was the best if you weren't scared of the pandemic it was the best
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it was dude i drove across the country at the beginning of the pandemic it fucking ruled
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did y'all stay at campgrounds no i just i went by myself i drove out to fucking stanhope's in
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arizona it was the best no one on the road gas was fucking 30 cents yeah what was it like going
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to stanhope's is it pretty it's wild it is yeah i was ready to go back to my parents basement
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yeah i i i i i don't know it's fun they're the best people on earth oh yeah like the most loving
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people but i was tired it's a lot you know i was a guest i felt fucking weird i was there for like a
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month oh what yeah i overstayed pretty hard and were there any clues that you should have left
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no i was i was like i should leave i'm gonna leave and they're like you don't have to you
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don't have to this is fine there's a guest house i was just there oh dang was there a pool no pool but
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it would get weird when i wouldn't hang out like if i spent like a day or two just in the guest house
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that was weird so then you feel like yeah i come out and they'd be like does he fucking hate us
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oh like no i'm just hung over i'm not you guys yeah i'm trying it's hard and you're in the desert
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dude doing partying or drinking anything in the day it's like twice as hard on you yeah you wake up
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it's just like oof i used to be able to hear my eyes click open because they were so dry when i'd be
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so dehydrated out in the desert and it would click open um what do you think about that
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elon musk and twitter man i like it yeah what's the holdup what's the holdup i don't know is it
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just because he's gonna put trump on oh is that it you think that's what his plan is i'm sure he
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would i think he's gonna be like we need free speech i think he's just gonna open the gates it's
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gonna be kind of like that um yeah like maybe he'll destroy twitter if he does that i don't think
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you will i think twitter will be fucking nuts you can do anything i know twitter if twitter really
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you could do anything because it's really it's an extremely it's like an alt left app yeah basically
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yeah it kind of is now it feels like anyway maybe it's not i don't know i mean they yeah i mean didn't
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they have like a the head of the taliban still on twitter oh yeah trump was not yeah that's a good
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point it's like what are we doing and how much i wonder how much like hype they lost and they let
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trump go because trump was a fuck i mean he's as ridiculous as it was he carried carried it his
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now my favorite thing is his old tweets yeah you ever read those yeah so good it's so good he's like
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robert pattinson needs to leave that dog of a woman she's gonna cheat on him i know it it's just crazy
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he's talking about the twilight kids the best is when uh barstool um they portnoy interviewed him and was
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like uh yeah about the tweets and stuff do you ever like kind of proofread it before you put it out
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like you know sometimes you kind of just rattle it off and then you go to bed he's just he was
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tweeting yeah that was him i was just down there i was just at mar-a-lago oh i saw that picture did
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you get to meet him no i saw him though he was hanging out really and there was like no one else
00:58:29.780
there and somebody was talking to me about his tweets like they were with him tweeting and he would
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just sit there and be like send it and then just a shit storm immediately so dope 50 articles
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immediately so crazy dude do you uh what was mar-a-lago like was it uh real fancy it was
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extremely fancy but it's small it's small it's not as big as you'd think can you get a it's a motel
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hotel room uh no you can't you gotta like get like i had to get like clearance yeah like the day before
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they had to get like my name and all that shit wow yeah because i got some shows coming up in
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florida i wonder if i could go there i bet you could wow i bet you could it's crazy there's like
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a guy with a machine gun at the front door what like this is what is it it i think it used to be
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it's like a club you can join it it's like two hundred thousand dollars a year for membership
00:59:18.280
and there's golf too there's no golf course it's like a spa and a restaurant oh wow and that's
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that's about it that's two pools yeah and he just lives there basically damn so that's the fun
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part you get to see him walk around occasionally he plays the music he plays what jays no he
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doesn't he dj's the music at mar-a-lago it's crazy and what kind of stuff does he choose and
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is it like when i was there it was hotel california yeah which is crazy and that's also like the most
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whitest old song and then it switched from like shit like that and then it went to like proud to be
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an american i swear to god and then it would go back to that shit i could have it was like the
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beach boys dude i'm super i'm shocked that more black dudes didn't like trunk i think low-key every
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black dude kind of fucking love trump i think so because i think that's a yeah because he made
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kodak black chills there oh he does at mar-a-lago wow yeah because he was all i mean in the end he's
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kind of about bitches and money yeah that was it you know yeah that's a good president yeah
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let's give this guy the keys dude see what he does by far the most entertaining president i don't know
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if being president even matters anymore it feels like if you're in politics now it almost feels like
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it's just ridiculous to even be in it yeah it is kind of embarrassing yeah you look like a dork dude
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yeah i guess it's not that important because biden's clearly dead oh i cannot like at a certain
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point it's kind of not cool that we put a guy out there who's not well dude it's kind of sad yeah
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it's like mean right that's what i feel like this is the only way we can win is him right and it's
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like this is kind of going to embarrass this he's going to ruin his whole legacy well every time he
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goes up there and speaks you can just tell like you know you can see an old guy when he's not doing
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real health yeah you know it's fun to see him when he's on though every once in a while there's
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glimpses yeah oh shit he's still got it yeah he's firing i've heard he's a super nice guy man
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from people that from friends of mine that know him but um i don't know i never i never knew a lot
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of politicians every politician in louisiana got busted for sex crimes or embezzlement that's good
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yeah that's who you want you want someone that's like i'm taking fucking wild risks yeah i'm trying
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to get it done yeah that's true i think it's the only real way to be i think you want like a real
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you want that jesse james in there yeah do you i want i want i kind of wish people would start
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voting in insane just create the wildest person you could think of two the last two have been
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fucking nuts that's true trump was wild yeah biden's crazy yeah these are two crazy picks yeah
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last eight years we've had a leader that's like half you know half the country's like dude what are
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we doing we've made some wild choices we're like the cleveland browns just shuffling two quarterbacks
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first round donald trump god damn it he's a bust we're rolling through it fuck it do you think
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he'll run again i don't know i think uh if he does rob desantis won't run the guy from florida right
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but then i think desantis it seems like desantis is gonna run yeah and then who the fuck are the
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democrats gonna go like who are they gonna pick i don't know they're gonna have to go with
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they did biden again if they were like dude four more years he's fine he's just laying down
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somewhere yeah they're like he's our guy he's sharp as shit off camera he gets nervous
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they do need to try it's laughable but they could you never know fucking laughable i hope they get
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hillary oh wow i hope they get hillary i hit dude if we get trump hillary oh again the rematch i'll
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go crazy look i was like i didn't vote for trump i never voted i didn't vote for trump this one i'd
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be like yeah trump's gotta win this like i'd be so pumped dude oh that'd be exciting dude yeah
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it'd be a good battle oh i think it would be it would just be so good to see them too because
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you see them talking shit again oh so good yeah that's the kind of shit the best part i wish that
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the vice the president had to pick a vice president from the other it had to be like a
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from the other part i always wish that trump and bernie had to be on the same ticket because then
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it's like you have this they're gonna have to figure shit out you know you're gonna have to
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have some real conversations so lincoln did with his cabinet did he really yeah it was there's a book
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called like team of rivals he just got everybody disagreed with oh yeah see you're right there you're a
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better patriot than i am i think that i mean i had an autograph hacksaw jim duggan poster that's
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pretty good that's honestly that's kind of more patriotic i don't know i mean he was a construction
01:03:56.200
worker but i don't know if that's more patriotic you know yeah but that's something you like wrestling
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now um not as much i mean i don't go watch it no have you been recently no well soda took me to
01:04:10.340
one like four years ago yeah i'd never been to one it was actually fucking it's cool to see yeah in
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person you're like holy shit this is real it's a real production these guys are getting fucked up
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oh i saw a mexican father and son and combined they were probably eight four and they were it was when
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the rock came back there's a night where the rock came back it was like 10 years ago and they were
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when he came out they were both standing there holding hands bawling crying damn and that's nice
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oh it was beautiful that's what i was just saying i just saw i just watched wrestlemania i haven't
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watched wrestling in years yeah and stone cold came out and i was instantly just like holy shit
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this is so sick yeah yeah i could i i'm afraid i can't get into it because that would be i don't
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need that well you don't need to be a wrestling fan what can you take on yeah you know i can't take
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that personality on at this point yeah it'd be bad there's no there's not a lot of pros now i will
01:05:04.660
say this you remind me bring up um bring up the big boss man i think you look a little bit like
01:05:10.020
this guy people bring that up a big boss man son i see that yeah i could bring it up that you look
01:05:14.160
up big boss man policeman wrestling yeah i do look like the big boss man but it's funny that we look
01:05:22.260
through things as a lens with racism not because at the time it didn't seem racist it's not like we
01:05:26.360
didn't know but my black friends wouldn't not watch wrestling it'd be like farouk would be out
1.00
01:05:29.900
there the big boss man would come out with a fucking stick a police stick yeah hit him
0.99
01:05:35.000
i mean i think there's certainly yeah i mean you don't want to play this in minneapolis you don't
0.98
01:05:41.320
want to play a lot of big boss man reruns you know there's certain places you want to do stuff
01:05:45.780
what would his finishing move the big boss man i don't know what he would do yeah um but yeah it's
0.98
01:05:51.960
just fun yeah that's just fun as shit but yeah the old promo is like they'd have a fucking
1.00
01:05:55.880
like an arab dude come out and be like iran's the best america can suck our fucking dick so
1.00
01:06:01.500
i'll be like you motherfucker see that's one thing i love about i love it if a crowd wants to change
1.00
01:06:07.120
usa in other countries you're allowed to have so much more like this is our country you know but
0.99
01:06:13.300
here the media i feel like you try to say yeah they've told us to chill the fuck out right our
0.69
01:06:18.600
media tells it we're the only ones doing that totally other countries no i mean now saying chill the
01:06:24.420
fuck out but like other countries are like they're not we have flags everywhere in america everybody
0.87
01:06:29.460
in america is like america is the fucking best or at least that's how it used to be yeah that's how
0.99
01:06:33.760
it used to yeah now it's a little more like actually yeah we have a pretty troubled history yeah like
0.94
01:06:38.420
it go to fucking any other country dude yeah look into anybody's history i'm saying it not you know
0.96
01:06:44.520
not saying it doesn't matter but yeah they're all a little dicey yeah well being a lot existence has
0.98
01:06:50.380
been a dicey run yeah it's been pretty bad yeah um i think you know i don't know i mean i just you
01:06:58.220
know i do my best did you ever do opian in them show no by the time no i was i was i was late i did
01:07:06.000
anthony akumia's show i did jim and sam shit like that oh yeah never opie yeah yeah that's a bummer i've
0.84
01:07:13.640
seen you go on there it was fun on there yeah it was wild on there yeah dude i had so much fun in
0.91
01:07:17.380
there just sitting goofing around i just felt like such a just a it just felt like a real goofball
01:07:22.200
and that's what it was also nice back then when you'd be exciting to be on a show you'd be like
0.99
01:07:25.780
oh shit i've got serious xm today yeah fucking crazy yeah now if i now if it's like a fuck i
0.99
01:07:31.380
gotta go to this podcast fucking radio yeah oh the radio yeah yeah the radio really really it's
0.99
01:07:37.500
on the road yeah i was just starting i was like damn so sick okay gotta do radio not a big deal
0.98
01:07:44.180
yeah like we're over at the radio station doing it yeah it's like i'm not doing it dude it must
0.88
01:07:49.540
be crazy a lot of comedy i i guess i haven't gone into morning radio in a long time thank god i mean
01:07:54.720
it's a blessing not to have to go but remember how hectic it was if you got into a place you get on
01:07:59.320
the late flight sometimes or you get the early flight you get there you have to go straight to
01:08:03.580
the radio station and then you had to try and get a nap in after that which is fine a.m it's always
01:08:08.520
fucking 6 a.m radio and you go in they don't care at all after they're like so what was snl like
0.86
01:08:15.600
every now and then in florida they would care florida likes their radio yeah yeah yeah florida
0.99
01:08:21.120
still loves their radio calta um yeah yeah and they had rochester new york had a good radio station
01:08:28.280
there's still some markets that were pretty sick yeah but it was different man i just hated waking up
01:08:33.920
yeah so hard did you ever uh i remember getting so drunk one night i peed all over my phone it was
01:08:41.060
like when cell phones first came out and i fucking missed it and they were furious oh really people
0.92
01:08:46.160
were so pissed yeah what are they it's okay it was bad oh it was a day where i was supposed to drive
0.86
01:08:54.020
myself over there oh okay so that was the thing i got to do one rogan show and i didn't know that i
01:09:00.420
was going to go up first right so we're just standing there backstage and he's like you guys
01:09:04.500
ready to start the show and we're like yeah and i'd just been kind of like getting busier you know
01:09:09.040
and so like i think i was probably somewhere in my head i'm getting a little bit full of myself or
01:09:13.120
something you know and so then he just gets on the mic and i just assume that somebody else is
01:09:17.720
there and then you go up first and then he's like ladies and gentlemen and i walk out there and
0.94
01:09:22.540
i'm like oh fuck oh shit it's like 3 000 people most people i'd ever been in front of people are
0.89
01:09:27.340
still sitting down and i'm like oh jesus yeah and part of the lights that were still on for
0.98
01:09:32.680
some reason it was just no oh it was so hard man it was so hard that was fun though that was a
01:09:38.880
nightmare bro i mean it was awesome yeah and it was super cool but it was just hard yeah that sucks
01:09:44.200
i've had to do that a couple times yeah we're like you're on the road with someone big and they're
01:09:47.320
like all right you go first we god i shouldn't yeah no but you're like of course and then you get
0.97
01:09:54.480
off stage and fuck i should have killed right but people were literally sitting down and they
0.97
01:09:59.040
they hated me yeah oh that's the feeling i had walk off the stage oh dude i wanted to get out of it
0.99
01:10:04.120
and then i don't even want to get out of the place you want to get out of the whole city you want to
01:10:07.180
get out off the tour you want to get off of the earth when it goes real bad was it um was it was
01:10:12.580
working with louis pretty cool yeah it was awesome that was like a dream did he approach you about it
01:10:17.520
yeah wow yeah it was cool he saw me perform at the cellar one night and he was like laughing and i was
01:10:22.300
like damn that's crazy and then like two days later i got an email from his lady that was like
0.53
01:10:27.660
do you want to come work on the tour i was like yes i was pumped was it when you were was it did you
0.98
01:10:33.900
feel real inferior with his comedy because his comedy is so unique and good it's uh sometimes i'll
01:10:39.240
watch and i'm like oh man yeah for sure i mean but he's one of those like he's so good that i'm not
01:10:44.640
even comparing you know what i mean right like if it was somebody like our age and they were
01:10:50.180
murdering and i wasn't even close i'd be like i actually i don't like them now yeah like something
01:10:54.800
crazy like that yeah and that but with with him it was like yeah he's i think he's the best ever so
01:11:00.300
yeah i didn't yeah it was cool to watch yeah he is he i mean it's just man he's so good i just watched
01:11:06.680
he just ran his i was with him he ran his new hour for the first time after his special i said i was
01:11:12.340
with him the night he ran it and he was like it's funny because he was like nervous he's like writing and
01:11:16.320
like how do i it's killed first time he ever ran it that was when i was sitting in the back like
01:11:21.520
fuck i'm not even close he hadn't even ever practiced it he had run it he had definitely done like
0.92
01:11:26.800
spots but it was the first time he ran it all together yeah someone said that he made and this
0.99
01:11:32.740
is a rumor that i heard 13 million dollars on his special selling it online yeah probably i believe
01:11:38.000
that i wonder if that's true or not i believe it was probably what like 10 bucks 20 bucks yeah that's
01:11:43.500
what i thought yeah because how many people have to buy it then a million oh yeah good call
0.90
01:11:50.160
yeah something like that because i remember asking my agent about it he's like no fucking way
0.80
01:11:55.660
you know yeah but but the agents want you to think that because they want you to sell your special to a
01:12:00.980
um to a also he was running ads did you see any of those uh-uh he was running like he bought ad
01:12:07.420
space on tv was running infomercials that's amazing for the special good for him like funny
01:12:13.020
yeah damn he's so creative yeah um do you find it easier as you've gotten more popular do you feel
01:12:18.780
like it's gotten easier do you feel like it's gotten more complicated has anything changed for
0.97
01:12:22.800
you you think as far as i think stand-up wise it's definitely it's easier which is kind of a problem
01:12:27.940
right you know what i mean right like people just like to see you so it's not even about what you're
01:12:31.900
excited yeah like that this bit sucked and they're like yeah there's something about the element of
01:12:38.280
surprise yeah yeah there's something about being surprising um did they have a lot of uh i'm trying
01:12:47.920
to think of something that could have happened when you were young oh do you remember the first man
01:12:50.740
you ever saw that could have been homosexual or anything like that and you guys were kind of
01:12:53.780
shocked by it i guess we i didn't know because it was priests oh i knew something was weird i just
01:12:59.740
figured it was because he was a priest oh he like spoke with an effeminate voice oh dang but i remember
01:13:05.000
being a kid i mean like maybe it's just because he's a priest he's different oh yeah like god loves
01:13:11.100
him so much that he just has so much love in him that some of it's coming out towards men
01:13:14.760
or more of it than usual yeah yeah i think that was it how about you the first guy you saw you're
01:13:20.440
like damn definitely well we had a they had a mentally handicapped guy in our town and uh
0.96
01:13:25.760
people would be like that guy's gay you know and he wasn't he was mentally handicapped but nobody knew
0.99
01:13:31.200
because he rode like a woman's bicycle and so uh people were always yelling gay at him and stuff like
01:13:38.900
that but he was mentally handicapped you know and he would kind of come by the school a lot but i think
01:13:44.740
it was he was like child-minded yeah so he would just try to be by the school and stuff like that and be
01:13:49.580
friends with other boys and he wasn't gay at all he was just his genetics were gay or whatever you
01:13:55.960
know he was straight but he was just uh mentally unwell i had two guys like one guy he used to ride
01:14:00.780
a tricycle around it was sick he had a tricycle with his a customized license plate on the front
01:14:05.320
with his name on it wasn't he would try to get it it was john he would try to get you he would come
01:14:10.500
up and be like do you like pancakes oh he'd be like yeah yeah like you want to put pancakes in my
01:14:15.360
pants and be like dude john what are you doing like i didn't even i wasn't even afraid as a kid
01:14:21.400
i'm gonna use that like i was just like this guy's wild i didn't even think that it was like he was
0.71
01:14:27.020
trying to rape but i don't know if he was i don't think he was i think he was just having fun breakfast
01:14:32.740
love saying wild stuff yeah yeah i don't want to put that on his name i think he was just riding his
0.99
01:14:37.720
trike around talking shit to people which is a pretty good life oh dude i think yeah if you're living
0.58
01:14:43.760
like that i think living law it's definitely one way to go getting a tricked out tricycle yeah if
0.99
01:14:48.580
you're a mentally handicapped man someone hooks you up with that yeah and then you just get to
01:14:52.440
ride around say whatever you want to like kids oh yeah no one had a problem oh go up to kids and
0.92
01:14:56.720
they'd be like that's john dude he's wild yeah he's wild remember that before everything was before
01:15:02.200
everybody was a creep it was like that guy's wild he has a good time yeah just riding around a
01:15:06.900
tricycle through a neighborhood um yeah i'm trying to think if we had like a guy i mean we had some
01:15:11.920
pedos and stuff as i got a little bit over alleged guys you know yeah um i always i always give it
01:15:17.440
pass to the mentally handicapped pedos oh yeah i can't be mad at them well i'm sure there's a and
0.91
01:15:23.220
i've heard of this um that there's a lot of guys who would let mentally handicapped guys jack them
0.99
01:15:30.000
off or do you know do sexual stuff that's not great yeah no but to like oh oh for them to get it
01:15:37.000
out no for them like the guy wanted to so it's like to help you know i hate to say to help them
01:15:43.620
out but it's like yeah you know the guy wants to so bad and you are trying to help the mentally
01:15:49.680
unwell i guess now that i say it out loud it sounds yeah wait crazy that's totally crazy
0.75
01:15:55.400
it's almost like hold on it's almost like i think this mentally handicapped guy's horny i'll take care
1.00
01:16:00.520
of it guys no i'm gonna let him masturbate me yeah yeah yeah that's crazy fuck man fuck people
1.00
01:16:10.300
are fucked up i didn't even think about that i always thought like yeah man i totally see what
1.00
01:16:15.840
you're saying but now that i really put it on you know put pen to paper it's pretty bad here's a
0.98
01:16:20.300
question that came in right here hey theo hey shane gang gang was wondering what you guys thought
01:16:27.320
about taxidermy i got my impala right there and then got my ram head right here ram head that's
01:16:34.980
the bathroom that from uh matt shane you can talk him into getting one uh you guys down for it bringing
01:16:42.140
the outdoors indoors and uh what kind of taxidermy would you guys like good question man you know a
01:16:47.900
lot of uh you'll see in the urban community do a lot of human taxidermy you've seen that recently a
01:16:51.920
lot of that stuff's been put out there like a brother at you know have him standing by the door at his
0.99
01:16:55.620
own funeral yeah that's awesome that's just pretty live he's putting a blunt in his fucking hand
1.00
01:17:00.000
yeah everyone yeah that's a good way black people do pretty dope shit like that like black people
1.00
01:17:04.180
are hella fearless i think when it comes to death white people are a lot more like traditional with
0.99
01:17:08.240
it i think yeah and black people sometimes will get a lot more uh avant-garde you know um those
0.99
01:17:15.680
african funerals those dudes are holding the casket like dancing and shit yeah shit's so hype
0.97
01:17:19.940
decent way to go ah isn't wasn't new orleans pretty cool about it oh yeah they have like parades and
0.98
01:17:24.960
shit yeah they got good second line parades and stuff like that for weddings and funerals you
01:17:28.800
know people will come out and celebrate you can hire these guys and they'll come out and play and
0.77
01:17:32.560
and everybody kind of gets these towels and you dance a little bit it's got a real that's actually
01:17:37.560
one of the funnest things especially if it's at a wedding you're rolling through the french court
01:17:40.080
and everybody's just letting it go and you're just like uh yeah it's a really good time man
01:17:45.640
everybody's out there in their tuxedos cruising to answer that guy's question the my girlfriend her dad
0.98
01:17:50.800
hunts like crazy like african animals so he's got like a taxidermy room of like all that shit like
1.00
01:17:57.600
the impala and all that and we're gonna i'm gonna get him i bet he's gonna give us two if he passes
0.90
01:18:02.840
away no he's giving them he's mailing them oh wow do you get to pick them out you already picked
01:18:06.680
them out i think they're ones he didn't like but they're awesome you know yeah i have two of those
01:18:11.640
in my apartment wow that's pretty cool man excited about it yeah it is nice yeah well i'm trying to
01:18:15.480
think i almost bought a buffalo not long ago i was price guy the man i thought was price gouging it
01:18:19.960
but it was a buffalo head that's awesome yeah we'll see i think i bet it's still there i thought
01:18:26.420
about driving by but um but that's something i thought about wait he's got it's in a store it's
01:18:30.620
in a store yeah yeah you notice different loves as you get older yeah definitely like the first time
0.96
01:18:36.260
you fall in love it's like crazy i was in college i was like yeah i was such a fucking weirdo
0.87
01:18:41.980
i was like emailing i was like emailing her should we get in a fight i'd be at work after
0.99
01:18:46.800
i'd be like you motherfucker oh yeah sending like crazy yeah yeah it was because email was like it was
0.97
01:18:52.920
almost like a text message back then yeah there was no i'd have to check my emails see if she got
0.99
01:18:58.500
back oh she didn't i'd send another email that'd be the worst yeah how about you are you in love
01:19:07.460
no i'm not in love i i've definitely have been in love um i would like to be in love again yeah
01:19:15.500
you know i think it definitely gets different it gets different when you're young that young love
01:19:21.480
man do you ever buy flowers for a girl anything like that do you ever do any crazy stuff like in
01:19:26.020
front of a group of people you're like dang that dude must be in love trying to think
01:19:29.360
i went to a basketball game once and like gave a flower to a girl at the game like when she was in
01:19:35.120
the stands i think i did that and it was like people were yelling you know people were yelling
0.93
01:19:40.880
the n-word dude i'd be on your ass like it was like i saw a dude do it yeah even though i have done
0.99
01:19:46.060
it if i saw someone else giving a flower to a girl i'd be like pussy it'd be so fun i think i'd be
1.00
01:19:54.720
young pussy yeah it got soft bro it was so crazy and i had so much acne at the time i was afraid to
1.00
01:20:02.900
move my face because i thought a lot of the acne would pop out of my skin that's crazy oh how'd it
0.98
01:20:08.640
go with the flower did she like it it went fine man yeah i feel like it doesn't work like anytime
01:20:13.080
you go crazy like that and like try to do an over-the-top romantic thing with a girl you're not
01:20:18.400
dating oh yeah like if you're like i want to date you i got you this bouquet yeah it's like no she's
01:20:26.340
not into oh dude they had uh i remember i used to work with this one guy named thomas and he sent
01:20:32.180
this girl is like the biggest cinnamon cake ever and i'm like what is a cinnamon cake first of all
01:20:37.620
and uh risk oh horrible rain and she thought he was insane yeah she he sent it to a bar she worked at
01:20:45.820
so she gets to her bar shift and there's a huge like somebody sent you this do you know thomas yeah
01:20:54.440
uh he has to sit there waiting like yeah i wonder how this is going he's probably loving that fucking
1.00
01:21:02.240
cake he just gets a text like never call me again fuck sitting back launching a cake and sitting back
1.00
01:21:12.140
and being like this is gonna go well and then never hearing from the woman again just drop it
1.00
01:21:19.980
you forget about it and now you can't even go to the bar anymore oh never again that's the craziest
0.93
01:21:25.680
never again that bar is gone yeah you gotta burn it down you gotta go that night and set fire to it
01:21:32.220
oh man i'm trying to think of anything of another time i wrote a poem to a girl once oh definitely in
01:21:39.240
like seventh grade yes here's this is the worst part this is like this is one of the most
01:21:44.540
embarrassing things i've ever done yeah it keeps me up at night today uh i wrote a bible verse on the
01:21:51.380
back of it and gave it to her and my friends found it before she got it or she got it and gave it to
01:21:57.280
my friends it was like look how weird this dude is i walked into school the next day my buddy was
01:22:02.080
holding it and i was like dude i'll fight you like teary-eyed i was like don't don't show that
01:22:09.200
to anyone and he already had and of course of course disaster bro a bible verse which one was
0.96
01:22:17.680
you remember yeah it was uh fuck so bad dude it was like song of songs it's like a love book oh yeah
0.96
01:22:24.300
the book of the bible that's about like people falling in love yeah bad dude sixth grade i was like
0.96
01:22:29.720
i love god yeah i loved being catholic in sixth grade god is my girlfriend dude that that guy i
01:22:35.940
remember that guy had a shirt it took a lot for me to tell you that oh dude well i'll tell you i used
0.53
01:22:40.060
to steal a fucking child's bike from my neighbor's yard and i would bike over to this girl's house it
1.00
01:22:46.820
was like four miles right yeah in the middle of the night to go over there and like just kind of suck
1.00
01:22:53.400
on her breasts for a while that's fucking great yeah but then i have to bike all the way back bro it
1.00
01:22:58.180
would take i'll do that today dude the whole bike four miles to suck tits pretty crazy my story
1.00
01:23:04.880
your story was awesome oh yeah my story was the most embarrassing thing i've ever done
1.00
01:23:09.240
you rode a bike to suck tits yeah that shit's awesome how old were you uh you were young that shit's
1.00
01:23:16.060
awesome oh uh no well uh i was probably yes 15 bro that's as good as it gets yeah god
1.00
01:23:26.980
those tits were good back then yeah remember how good a child tits if you were a child yeah of
1.00
01:23:34.260
course bro child on child tits what was that dude right when they got tits you were you were like
1.00
01:23:42.220
dude she's got the biggest tits in the class she's a whore dude that slut with the huge tits
1.00
01:23:47.440
oh look you had no idea what being a whore was you're like it's just whoever has the biggest tits
1.00
01:23:52.380
is a whore oh i remember i called my bus driver a dildo i heard the term and i didn't know what it
1.00
01:23:56.160
was and i was like you're such a dildo and then i had to go to the principal's office and the
1.00
01:24:00.700
principal beat us that's back when they used to beat you he could hit you know oh yeah they probably
0.98
01:24:04.260
kept that going in louisiana for a while right i think they stretched it out they went a little late
01:24:08.660
they got to like the obama administration yeah it was definitely extra inning on that but i remember
01:24:14.820
going to the principal's office man and he would freaking rat he oh he'd rattle he'd get that big
0.68
01:24:19.820
paddles yeah i remember the principals had paddles yeah it's what gave it's what gave them a lot of
0.97
01:24:26.120
their power too i felt like now they're fucking what are you gonna do what are you gonna do yeah
0.97
01:24:30.800
i'm italian yeah they don't have any real power nothing that's awesome i mean i can see how that worked
0.99
01:24:37.220
yeah having a fucking stick behind your desk threatening to hit a child did y'all have
0.96
01:24:42.660
different like clicks and stuff at y'all school yeah for sure yeah regular clicks although it was
0.99
01:24:49.000
a catholic school so you couldn't we had a uniform so it was hard to really express yourself yeah but
01:24:54.980
the goths found their way yeah they hit you with like some eyeliner or something yeah yeah but yeah
0.96
01:25:00.120
everybody's wearing the same fucking thing oh i actually liked it yeah i mean oh i i hated having
0.96
01:25:05.820
this jersey for three days yeah it's good i saw i did see it before it was the first time i wore it
0.97
01:25:11.900
last time oh good and i've never i've wanted to wear a jersey for a long time and you did and now
01:25:16.880
i'm doing it yeah i'm glad you did i'm overdoing it though so oh dude i'll tell you this one night
01:25:21.640
so i talked about this this girl i met at a coffee shop who i tried to like it got so embarrassing and
01:25:26.900
i'd ordered this omelet or whatever and then i'd still sit there and eat it even though like i had
01:25:31.300
like i tried to ask her out but i think i didn't get the words right and she said something and i
01:25:35.860
couldn't even hear it and then i got nervous and just walked away and so then i'm just sitting there
01:25:39.720
with this omelet and i had and i and the way i just just the pain of just sitting there eating
01:25:45.520
the omelet and it's just me and not hungry at all you're just getting rid of it the only reason i
01:25:50.120
went there was to talk to her and i couldn't do it all right anyway the next time i go back in there
01:25:54.600
i was like three months later um after everybody had eaten the cinnamon cake and uh she uh she's
01:26:02.020
like oh my gosh people called here and uh and even called my boss so and i was like wow that's crazy
01:26:09.440
that's awesome though yeah they're like you never should have divorced the rat king that's what they
0.99
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said like divorce yeah it's crazy that's pretty hype dude that's wild um well shit man i know you got
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a tour going on yeah you know i don't want to keep this thing alive any longer than it feels like
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bro i'm so hot i feel bad bro dude congrats on all your success man and where can people if they
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haven't seen your tour they want to come see you uh shane m gillis.com okay yeah excellent yeah go
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check out shane if you haven't seen him um you know there's just nothing like him i think there's
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nothing like watching somebody who's having so much fun uh and that's what i noticed when i'm
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watching you man and uh yeah thanks for coming and hanging out man i appreciate it you're the man
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now i'm just floating on the breeze and i feel i'm falling like these leaves i must be
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oh but when i reach that ground i'll share this peace of mind i found i can feel it
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and i will find a song i will sing it just for you
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and now i've been moving way too fast on the runaway train with a heavy load of my past
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ladies and gentlemen i'm jonathan kite and welcome to kite club a podcast where i'll be
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sharing thoughts on things like current events stand-up stories and seven ways to pleasure your
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partner the answer may shock you sometimes i'll interview my friends sometimes i won't and as
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always i'll be joined by the voices in my head you have three new voice messages a lot of people are
01:28:39.880
talking about kite club i've been talking about kite club for so long longer than anybody else
01:28:49.520
anyone who doesn't listen to kite club is a dodgy bloody wanker
1.00
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hi i'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a mcflurry
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anyway first rule of kite club is tell everyone about kite club second rule of kite club is tell
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everyone about kite club third rule like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or
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watch us on youtube yeah and yes don't worry my brad pitt impression will get better