This Past Weekend with Theo Von - E408 Bert Kreischer

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00:02:27.460 excited to announce we've got brand new merch up on the theo von store check out rat king racing

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00:02:48.260 love uh rat king racing collection get that hitter baby he's on his birdie boy relapse tour for the

00:02:55.860 rest of this year he just wrapped up his fully loaded tour this summer and um and you can see new

00:03:03.900 episodes of his something's burning cooking show on youtube i'm grateful to have him here today one of

00:03:10.860 the hardest working men in comedy mr burt kreischer

00:03:16.140 shine that light on me

00:03:20.460 i'll sit and tell you my stories

00:03:26.140 shine on me

00:03:31.140 and i will find a song i've been singing

00:03:36.540 so like like i don't know the benefit you know like like tim dylan what's he used right maybe

00:03:48.560 maybe the best podcaster we have of our general you and tim dylan are probably the two best podcasters

00:03:52.880 i know that i enjoy watching i love rogan rogan's obviously the king i love i love watching rogan but

00:03:59.820 and i love but i love watching you and tim the way you guys think now price point wise right say there's

00:04:05.180 let's talk about uh say these companies that come in they go we're doing it right we spent

00:04:10.940 fifty thousand dollars on cameras we spent a hundred thousand dollars on microphones we got state of the art

00:04:15.340 board yeah and then you go what about just a laptop you have one of those yeah so right right

00:04:21.340 but but i do think that if you i do think here's what i learned from rogan if you invest a little more

00:04:25.980 money in it you care more and if you care more you get a better product i think that that's probably

00:04:32.380 true and i think guests come and they see that you care more yeah it feels more eloquent yeah um

00:04:39.420 yeah it's one of the reasons like sometimes it's like i would like to get into like a nicer studio

00:04:43.180 space like our studio is great very good but it's like but then also you don't want to go too

00:04:48.380 corporate of a studio where it feels like where it doesn't feel like rogue you know like yeah and you

00:04:55.180 also don't want to do it out of your house which i've been doing for the past

00:04:57.900 fucking eight years and so people are like do you live here okay

00:05:02.940 is that your daughter can i meet her and you're like georgia grab a towel yeah uh she's doing audio

00:05:07.820 for us right now but as soon as it's like i want to get bigger guests you know who i want to get i'm

00:05:11.660 being dead serious we talked about this a little bit and i think you're the only person who'll get

00:05:14.460 this don't let me guess who it is oh if you guess it if you guess it i'll spend the rest of the

00:05:19.020 show with my flip-flop in my mouth oh dude that's gonna mess up the chat but i'll try let me see it's

00:05:26.300 uh can i ask for a clue or not yes okay is it a black person no

00:05:37.180 there are a couple that i'd like to get on i'd like to get on uh i like killer mike on i like killer

00:05:42.140 mike i'd like snoop on um i like big boy from outcast i'd like ti i should give a shout out to ti about

00:05:48.460 his car keeps saying stuff you're just eliminating guests i was gonna guess

00:05:53.980 oh yeah that's right so you're going with the you're going with the white dude oh i'm going with

00:05:59.420 the white dude i think he's white i don't even know his name to be honest with you it's hot in

00:06:03.100 here guys can y'all get the ac on um i drank a lot yesterday and i woke up in the middle of the night

00:06:08.460 in a fucking sizzle i mean i was so hot and all of a sudden my body went

00:06:13.100 and poured sweat oh back to sleep yeah yeah like almost like when a truck stops and it's like

00:06:22.860 it woke me up i was so hot my wife leanne was was like you gotta keep you gotta keep

00:06:30.700 hey boy this is how leanne talks i was doing i'm doing this impression of leanne and she hates it

00:06:37.100 and i got off stage in lank city this weekend and uh and david williamson's like i think you're doing

00:06:42.540 theo as leanne he's like yeah leanne never says gang gang when she sucks your dick gang gang son

00:06:52.140 um but uh hey boy all i need to know about that coke is i drop it on the bottom of the boat

00:06:56.860 let me have seen drinking by that coke i ain't drinking that coke that's all i need to know about

00:07:00.860 that coke right now um um oh my god there's a lot of black people i'd like to have on my podcast oh

00:07:08.860 you gotta get some you gotta i don't have enough black people on my podcast none of us nobody does

00:07:13.100 nobody does donnell's the only like donnell's money too donnell's money but every every time

00:07:21.500 you think you're like man i gotta diversify a little you're like hey donnell everybody in

00:07:26.300 podcasting is like that dude dot williams would be good oh chris rock dave chapelle i don't count

00:07:32.860 them as like in like the group because they're just comics i want to reach out you know who i'd like

00:07:37.340 cornell west cornell west let's bring him up he's a singer no no he's not he's not all right there

00:07:47.180 he is huh dr cornell west oh damn huh he's badass dude oh yeah is he really like a real uh

00:07:55.980 prolific thinker and stuff yeah yeah yeah he's the reason i'm gonna say this there's no proof to

00:08:00.140 what i'm about to say he's the reason chris rock special was so good bring the pain chris rock

00:08:06.060 started hanging around dudes like this on sunday to do like a sunday supper where they talk about

00:08:09.980 politics and talk about the world and talk about things and he just hang out by the way i'm not

00:08:13.980 certain what i'm saying is accurate at all i might have just dreamt this yeah and so i had a dream about

00:08:18.940 david spade last night you did yeah and i should call him and let him know i was thinking about him

00:08:23.260 but so he uh he yeah what happened i want to know about this guy looks really interesting he's really

00:08:28.220 interesting he's like just a thinker i think he works at harvard and he just is he's always on bill

00:08:32.940 maher and i just love him on bill maher he's always got a good take you know some people are aligned

00:08:37.740 just straight politics and that bores me i like a person that'll float and go like well those kids

00:08:44.220 were wrong yeah yeah yeah yeah i like somebody that's got some uh that's got some nuance to their own

00:08:49.500 ideas yeah i don't i don't to their views i don't have any of that you don't no i have pretty basic

00:08:55.260 views well do you and i flip flop a lot like i flip flop a lot but that's okay man i don't think

00:09:04.540 that's bad or is there alcohol in this no okay um okay people on one of my podcasts well let's get into

00:09:11.420 it okay um i uh so if it's a i'm gonna say bill clinton it's not although he would be good he would

00:09:19.580 be good but he would be good like off camera you know when he's yes he's like well that was really

00:09:25.740 good bert are these things still rolling and i go no and he goes man i fuck a lot of bitches when i was

00:09:32.060 president my favorite thing to do come in them just come in them and go yeah take that oh yeah presidential

00:09:40.060 seat baby and spit in their mouths and just throw a towel at them go clean yourself up or yeah hey

00:09:45.820 get back on the bench babe go razorbacks hey what'd you like was it like starting for the first time

00:09:51.820 go razorbacks go razorbacks dude when you think about the fact that he went to that he's out of

00:09:59.020 the university of arkansas him and hillary straight up met at the university of arkansas dude yeah

00:10:05.420 yeah was there was she ever could pull up young pictures of hillary was she ever like like really

00:10:11.020 hot you could see that uh hold on yeah you could see it or like let's take it let's take some looks

00:10:18.620 at her because you got to be like jackie onassis hot jackie kennedy hot i mean you gotta look at

00:10:26.140 wow bill was not planning on doing well i think bill was looking for someone to help him with his

00:10:34.380 homework look at that he looks like a starting center for the nets in 1972 hi boy hi it's bill

00:10:43.180 clinton is that that's a good impression right that's pretty good hi you ever think bill clinton

00:10:46.780 said the n-word let me think about it hold on

00:10:49.260 i bet it's been a while oh it's been you think it's been a while oh come on you think he says

00:10:57.180 it recently i think he's one of those guys that just still drops it every now and then just to

00:11:00.620 hillary just to hillary just the best yeah who's calling you he's like it's obama hi oh boy hey what's

00:11:08.940 up how you doing is that i lost it i had the accent for a second let me think hey it's bill clinton uh

00:11:14.860 that sounds like you're getting a little fozzy uh a little fozzy rare there yeah i get really fozzy yeah

00:11:18.860 i'm not but that's not fozzy that's not fozzy jim i used to think jimmy kimmel looked like fozzy

00:11:27.020 the bear let me think like early jimbo kimmel when he was like a little more oh yeah i could see

00:11:31.660 that bring up fozzy can we get a look at how to deal with fozzy looks like fozzy um hey guys no hold

00:11:39.020 on hey oh that's fozzy who am i thinking of hey no that's too old uh driving along it takes the

00:11:48.620 fun out of my way i think at a highway delicious what is that my singing that right i think we

00:11:58.060 picked up a weirdo life is a highway i'm gonna run it all night long have you ever done anything as

00:12:06.940 good as that think about that right artistically do you think you've put out one thing that it equals

00:12:12.780 that song i think of that all the fucking time when you think of one hit wonders like rat right

00:12:18.220 round and round your love gonna wait just give it time time yeah do you think you've done anything

00:12:28.020 as good as that once like like put out one piece of work where you go that was that was i take it you

00:12:36.060 you have i think there's some there's some beats that i've put out there that are pretty good i

00:12:40.860 think i think my cousin got bit by a gay is as good as round and round that made me laugh so

00:12:45.660 fucking hard yeah it's a true story man it's sad too yeah yeah but it's like that's what the city's

00:12:51.500 gone into man it's fucking obama's aquarium out here i mean it's it's fucking biden's aquarium out

00:12:56.140 here out on the streets here bro it's insane everybody's biting i just heard about this hunter

00:13:01.660 biden guy yeah he uh does he does uh crack he used to do what they said i don't know if he's

00:13:08.140 better oh so it's not recent no oh well then whatever i don't think everyone can grow no then

00:13:14.460 yeah whatever i thought he was doing it like today he was on mayor he was on maron's podcast i didn't

00:13:19.740 hear it though he was on maron's podcast wasn't he on maron's podcast i think that i think you're

00:13:27.100 thinking of he was on getting doug with high oh he was dude i'm just gullible today man um

00:13:36.780 i feel like we haven't even started this conversation oh we started the show yeah oh okay okay he was on

00:13:42.940 mark maron wow and mark maron you know mark maron he'll hold you to the fire did he did he say so

00:13:48.620 tell me about the crack in the bathtub in the i gotta listen to it did he

00:13:55.020 maron's been doing he's got like a beef i guess or something with rogan and shawb huh

00:13:59.180 with shawb or like some of his material and stuff has been about um i know he has a beef with rogan

00:14:06.540 he's been about it i had to edit a few things out on podcast you did yeah i was like i don't

00:14:11.100 fucking i don't want to be the i don't want to be the fucking the fire starter between this thing

00:14:15.580 yeah you know fucking say that out loud i was like we can edit this out it was just he's been

00:14:19.660 nope it's been a don't don't i live a life where i try not to i i there's there's shit i've said on

00:14:26.060 podcast that i completely regret yeah but it's out there so i and so if i start editing now then i look

00:14:32.140 like i've gotten so much better i go i gotta keep it consistent yeah yeah i gotta be kind of ignorant

00:14:37.660 keep going um what do you uh i'm gonna think about what that guest is i'll give you i'll give you i'll give

00:14:44.300 you a huge hint and i don't think is it that singer pink oh i would love to have pink i would love to

00:14:51.020 have pink i would love to have pink and not tell my wife and daughters and have them walk in and they

00:14:58.060 would fucking lose their shit i'll tell you what i'll even tell go this far pink and bring her

00:15:03.580 boyfriend and i'll get a tattoo right there yeah because her boyfriend does tattoo work oh he does

00:15:08.780 heart heart heart heart foundation or something heart and weight heart i like cat von d boy i like

00:15:14.140 cat von d too she's in recovery i think her tattoos are much better now wow i heard there was a period

00:15:19.660 of time where they were a little sloppy she was like yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah all right

00:15:23.420 i'm gonna have a cocktail and she was like i added to it she was hot and she still is hot as

00:15:29.500 shit oh yeah she looks good man bring her picture i'll bring up a picture of here we go she is

00:15:34.220 really sexy yep yeah she looks nice dude um was there a for before you loved your wife was there a

00:15:43.500 first love for you did you ever have like yeah yeah wow jennifer stevens eighth grade oh eighth grade

00:15:49.580 she really dialed in what i liked in women she had great feet she still has great feet i'm sure great

00:15:53.740 feet feet yeah she used to sit in mr yarnell's class with her foot like this and she just dangle

00:16:00.300 her oh she dangle her shoe and i seventh grade eighth grade was the first time i realized i was

00:16:07.980 straight where i was like like whatever a gay kid goes i think that's why i'm empathetic towards like

00:16:13.340 anyone who's struggling with their sexuality i don't think i don't maybe i haven't always been like

00:16:18.460 this but i think definitely when i realized that at that moment i was out of control i was i

00:16:23.580 was i wanted i wanted uh tan blonde women for the rest of my life with gray feet gray feet where

00:16:30.940 had to be a thing i was out of control i couldn't control my thoughts i never listened to mr rnell's

00:16:35.740 class all i really learned is about barnstorming it seemed to be the only thing more interesting

00:16:39.100 than jennifer stevens feet and uh and then dangle that sandal and i remember being like oh i'm

00:16:47.260 fucking um bit by the bug oh and so if that if you feel that way about boys and you're a boy

00:16:53.580 you know like at the same age eighth grade and you're like god damn it man but it must be crazy

00:16:58.700 at that age because all boys are suddenly being like i've been jerking off all night and you're

00:17:02.940 just sitting there as a gay boy you're like it would all be so hard especially like we used to do

00:17:08.300 a lot of gay shit growing up like if you got in the shower and you weren't and you were like a little

00:17:12.620 white we'd start slapping you and then we just put handprints all over you imagine being an albino

00:17:18.620 gay kid trying to figure yourself out and you get in there and everyone's like slapping you're like

00:17:22.540 oh hey have you opened those cigars you're like i'm bad i'm bad those cigars are really great cigars

00:17:28.860 they are yeah they're they're tatuates they're really great this is an interesting point because

00:17:34.060 like when did you find out you were straight let me think um like meaning it was in you you went

00:17:41.340 what the fuck was that you know like not just going like uh you know watching wonder woman and being

00:17:45.820 like she looks pretty or whatever but like you're like i'm in love with this girl i need i want this

00:17:51.660 girl in my life and i got her i got jennifer stevens i dated her for like probably six months wow she

00:17:56.220 broke up with me to date thompson rankins oh that's the whitest name you'll ever he was the worst he was

00:18:01.740 the coolest dude yeah he was he was the first guy that taught me it was okay to shower like with other

00:18:06.300 dudes yeah him truitt gardner him and truitt gardner okay that's enough dudes in the shower okay

00:18:12.220 even in the story i feel like we need you're just like he told me ron was there alan they told me i

00:18:21.900 needed to name my dick really yeah they told me they like i i was really uncomfortable i was in

00:18:27.500 like probably eighth grade they were in ninth grade and we were playing football jv football and uh we

00:18:33.340 all had to get in the shower afterwards and i was really uncomfortable and then and by the way i'm

00:18:36.940 sorry they're two grown men in their 50s with children and just sharing the story yeah and they're

00:18:41.180 like hey man if you're uncomfortable this is so fucking bizarre they're like if you're uncomfortable

00:18:46.700 there's a process yeah shower in your boxers i said for real and they go we don't care if you're not

00:18:51.180 comfortable with your body shower in your boxers i was like i can shower my boxers they go hey it's

00:18:54.860 just us we don't give a shit so i showered on my boxers and then the next day after football practice

00:18:58.860 i came into my boxers and they were like uh they're like you know one day you're gonna have to you

00:19:03.340 know just let you know like there's gonna be other guys in here it's gonna be weird you're in your

00:19:06.700 boxers it's okay with us but like one of the things you can do to help you feel a little more

00:19:10.140 confident name your dick i said for real i said yeah i named my dick john henry that day oh yeah

00:19:16.700 yeah i named my dick john henry and uh and i got very comfortable showering i got very comfortable

00:19:21.500 showering and then i went to an all boys catholic high school and i got uncomfortable again really

00:19:24.700 oh they had hogs they had like legit hogs really dude and they had because i was showering in jv

00:19:30.380 football so the oldest kid was ninth grade right i go to into ninth grade and now i'm showering with

00:19:35.260 like seniors and they were men they were grown men with cocks yeah and i had a penis like i i

00:19:40.940 saw the penis they had cocks wow and i remember i'm broken your heart uh panic it was more panic

00:19:47.500 yeah panic it was like panic i was the same size as thompson and drew we're all like roughly just

00:19:51.820 boys you know and then you go in and you see like hairy cocks and they this is i don't do you

00:19:56.780 remember this about the showers i just had the the one sprout like the one mushroom with all the

00:20:01.820 the spigots on it and you'd and so everyone was showering around a one pole and so it's like

00:20:06.700 eight dudes around one pole showering so everyone's looking at each other's dicks almost like an

00:20:10.780 octopus that's insane they did that and the only thing to block you from seeing the person's dick

00:20:15.180 was that pole that one pole but then you're looking at dicks all over here and then dudes

00:20:18.700 would piss on you and you're like oh fuck what am i how much i think i'm getting sexually assaulted

00:20:23.740 oh man yeah i remember that very distinctly dude i oh man i was so scared to go anywhere where

00:20:31.420 they had um where everybody had to be like naked and stuff you know i was like i think it was very

00:20:38.220 that's it that's it yeah were you really yeah i think so man it was also like really i remember like

00:20:47.580 what are we talking about the first penis we ever saw no first penises i ever saw first penis i ever

00:20:51.740 saw where i went okay that's bigger than mine wow was jeff hartley wow and i remember did you tell

00:20:57.820 him uh no but but he knew he knew oh he knows to this day and by the way he's he's the only one

00:21:04.140 watching that's going that's right he's gonna clip this out and send it around to our friends he'll be

00:21:10.780 like hey um dude we had uh oh i remember i've told this story before but we had a fella somebody got a

00:21:18.380 hot tub in our town right yeah and we'd never i mean no one even could imagine it right yeah so we go

00:21:25.340 over there at somebody's birthday party this fella little william and it was his birthday and some guy

00:21:32.060 who got invited there was older than us so we're all in the hot tub just being children i mean we were

00:21:38.380 young you know probably 10 or 11 yeah and this other fella uh this other fella cj was his name anyway

00:21:46.860 he's under the water and he'd been pleasuring himself and we didn't know so he stands up and just starts

00:21:52.620 like spewing out into the thing oh that's so unfair and bro we'd never seen it we didn't know what was

00:21:59.100 happening right yeah and little william grabbed thought something was happening like his like he

00:22:04.780 was leaking out of his body he was just gonna keep he applied first aid he was like i said a journey

00:22:10.540 again someone call 9-1-1 100 percent bro he put two he put two hands i mean this kid was big dude

00:22:17.340 this kid had probably won a title belt doing something and he was just he put two hands on

00:22:22.140 the big guy punched him in the neck bro and i always felt so bad for that kid like just how do you

00:22:30.060 all those first moments at once you see the ejaculate and then you try to help and then you get

00:22:35.580 fucking and now it's in the water so it's coming up on your do you remember when you jerk off in the

00:22:39.980 tub and then you didn't realize that the cum would just get on your chest hairs and it would like press

00:22:45.820 it this way so it looked like you'd put gel on your stomach do you remember the first time like when you

00:22:51.340 first started jerking off what was your move because like mine was mine was to like rub it like this

00:22:59.820 oh against your stomach yeah like put it on my stomach and then rub it like this and then

00:23:03.580 wow almost like a clitoris kind of yeah kind of yeah exactly wow and then and then i realized

00:23:13.980 i realized like i remember watching movies and they were like hey and then like one day i kind

00:23:18.380 of put pen to paper getting all italian they go like they go you know he's in there jerking off and

00:23:22.620 i was like yeah i guess this is the move for jerking off i didn't know then one day i went i did it and

00:23:27.260 i went oh that makes sense that's why they're doing this because they do it to their dicks and it's so

00:23:32.060 much more efficient and i was like oh that's that's all i'm gonna do it from now on then

00:23:36.460 suddenly you're just walking around town and playing song guys i'm alive i'm alive i used to

00:23:41.820 think jerking off was gay wow and i kind of came to terms with being gay because i was like i can't

00:23:46.380 quit yeah i was like i guess i'm gay i guess if this is gay i'm gay as fuck i'm fucking the gayest

00:23:53.020 dude in town because i'm jerking off at least once a day oh damn bro that's insane man yeah that's when

00:23:59.740 there were rumors about gays oh so you didn't know you were like i guess i'm getting aids yeah

00:24:03.580 like because i didn't aids on 2020 and they didn't tell you how you got aids they told you

00:24:08.460 they just told you gay guys were getting it and i'm jerking off like

00:24:11.580 fucking three times a day going fuck i'm getting aids i remember going down to my dad and going

00:24:15.980 do you think this is aids wow and he was like huh i was this close to going i'm jerking off a lot okay

00:24:21.580 i'm gay just on 2020 they said that us that we're getting aids and so do you think i have aids i

00:24:26.700 remember thinking because they were saying it was uh it was uh carcinoma in your skin it was like

00:24:30.780 skin cancer oh yeah smokers little yeah smokers freckles they used to call them yeah and so uh my

00:24:36.620 dad's like you don't have aids i was like are you sure and he's like i'm 100 certain you don't have

00:24:41.580 aids wow he's like is there something i need to know about you i was like i never mind wow i almost

00:24:49.020 told him i jerked off twice oh the first time it ever happened first time it ever happened i was uh

00:24:54.860 i'll save the names for where i was but i was in a pool and there was a hose with a gun on it

00:24:59.820 and i i don't know i just shot my dick and then all of a sudden it was just you shot the hose at

00:25:03.260 your wiener at my underwater underwater yeah it feels that's a good that's a good thing by the way

00:25:07.580 i did that i did that when i was like 45 randomly i was in a pool and i was like and i had a hose and

00:25:14.220 i just i just randomly just sprayed my balls it felt good 45 dude holds up still cool

00:25:21.500 i was just close to jerking off in my pool oh in your own pool i was like oh come on man i can't

00:25:30.540 do that to my family my fucking wife comes out of the pool her hair is over to the side like

00:25:34.060 something about mary i'm like sorry no but uh i remember jerking off in that pool or like jerking

00:25:39.900 off but masturbating with the hose in the pool yeah i'm gonna go pick up someone at the airport

00:25:44.700 and i almost it was and i had my first orgasm i'd had i'd had white dreams as a kid i didn't know what

00:25:49.900 they were but i'd had what dreams and and i knew they were like the best dreams i was always riding

00:25:53.340 horses in those dreams and so i almost said to my dad i had the craziest thing happen to me dude

00:26:00.140 every so what you're saying though the the i'm sorry i'm stuck on that horse thing please

00:26:05.580 and you just what i would be riding horses and and and then i'd have a wet dream i'd have an orgasm like

00:26:12.940 first grade through third grade okay i'd have wet dreams and it was always me riding horses and then

00:26:20.620 i rode a horse at full sprint was there anything in your butt you feel like or it was just

00:26:25.580 it was just it was like a vibration like a

00:26:29.420 and then i'd be riding a horse riding a horse and then i just i just have a wet dream not wet

00:26:35.420 dream it was just it was a nocturnal emission but it wasn't like that like it was just an orgasm while

00:26:38.940 you sleep but what is it like is it like i'm gonna tell me like well it's funny because i really it

00:26:46.140 was just me on a horse just riding a horse okay and then and then all of a sudden i'd be riding

00:26:51.180 the horse and i would my dick was be hard i was a kid and i'd just be like oh well and then boom it

00:26:56.940 would hit and i would wake up oh yeah like that was fucking i need to get a horse yeah i need to get

00:27:02.060 a horse asap rich yeah black stallion came out where the kid was riding on the beach i was like

00:27:07.020 luckiest kid in the fucking world that kid just ski just blowing loads all over a horse

00:27:12.620 you know losing your hair it's it's alarming to a man because you've had your hair your whole life

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00:29:39.420 month free take care of your body get that wiener stout baby and then and then i rode a horse as

00:29:48.140 an adult i rode a horse for travel channel at full sprint i wonder if i remember this or not um i was

00:29:56.860 we were in texas we were running uh buff buffalo through texas and they brought me out and they've

00:30:03.980 got me and i got real comfortable on a horse and then the guy john i forget his last name john was the

00:30:09.900 he ran the he ran he was homosexual no no he was not he oh he's a fucking stud he's a stud i mean

00:30:15.820 not saying that you can't be a stud and gay but like you can be a stud and gay now there's very

00:30:20.700 there's like really i think gangster fucking gay dudes you know i mean nowadays you can't like i

00:30:27.020 think kids are growing up with such fluidity that i don't think they see gay the way we saw it when they

00:30:31.660 don't kids you know they just are like no you fall in love with the person um but but he this guy john

00:30:37.820 said why don't you take her and let her loose and and i've never really ridden a horse at full sprint

00:30:43.500 oh it is it is dare i say better than average sex it's way better than average sex like great sex

00:30:55.500 it's hard to beat but just you know run-of-the-mill sex like sober morning pound one out sex there's a

00:31:02.540 moment when you're riding a horse so there's like three speeds okay there's a uh a walk there's a

00:31:08.700 gallop and then there's a canter and then there's a run gallops a little painful it's just like

00:31:13.900 boom boom boom boom boom i've done that it really sucks and then a canter is like

00:31:21.500 and then when you yeah you get that horse going there's a moment where you and the horse become

00:31:27.580 one you become one the horse uh the energy of the horse takes over your energy and dictates what you do

00:31:33.980 and there's a moment where your body and that horse's neck are going at the same that's me on

00:31:39.580 that horse that's my horse and you're going at the same rate and you're fucking flying

00:31:46.940 it is the purest joy i've ever had where i where i wasn't it's like a roller coaster but but even more

00:31:52.620 dangerous because you're like and you're just smiling ear to ear and and my hat flew off my hair's in the

00:31:58.860 wind i'm like yeah yeah i didn't realize i was super about to get hurt john's like slow the

00:32:05.260 fuck down really yeah because i was out of control i was completely the horse was in control i wasn't

00:32:10.220 in control and did a horse's no to stop or keep going uh you so you got to stop with your your legs

00:32:15.580 your legs your ass you got to put your ass into the back of the horse so he knows hey we're done

00:32:20.620 because if he doesn't if he feels you up in the stirrups he's like yeah bitch let's open this

00:32:24.460 shit up this is what i was meant to do this is my natural speed the way i drink at airports is the

00:32:30.860 way horses run that's when you see me at a full clip of the airport and they're like another one

00:32:35.420 i go yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i'm in gallop mode baby that is way a horse fucking wow like i mean just

00:32:42.380 fucking show a horse running at full speed it's so beautiful and you'll see what i'm talking about

00:32:47.260 the neck does this and you get into this symbiotic moment with your horse where you become one it's the

00:32:52.860 coolest thing to have an animal what half a ton between your legs and just be this that's that's

00:33:00.780 a car oh no they're doing a horse okay does it make you it does it give you any see okay so that's like

00:33:06.220 a that's a canter okay and then do you see the way the neck yeah kind of just look at the neck

00:33:12.700 and then you're going up the next going down and then you guys meet back up again at the same place

00:33:19.260 it's almost like it really is the best rhythmic feet on the ground no feet on the ground you're

00:33:24.220 just flying oh my god this is what a horse is meant to do anything against this is against that animal

00:33:31.660 a horse meant to run at full speed that's why it's that's why marriage just doesn't make sense to me at

00:33:36.220 times yeah it's for not for me because it is because i'm i'm out of pasture i'm old horse you think so i like

00:33:42.220 to run but like my running is internally like like last night sex with my wife was

00:33:46.300 fucking insane dude my wife and i got into that moment into that fucking were you on the back or

00:33:53.020 the bottom or what i was on the bottom i was on the bottom wow but she was like leanne was playful

00:33:58.940 fun she was drunk playful fun crazy fucking and there was a moment where you're just you're both

00:34:06.060 moving at the right time yes but like for some guys i've had some of that before some guys some guys

00:34:11.100 meant are meant to sprint some guys mentioned my buddy croy he was meant to sprint he was meant

00:34:15.820 to be out there that's the way his brain works he just can't stop doing sex out there with strangers

00:34:21.340 uh well yeah i mean women that he yeah women that he dates i mean he's dead now so but uh yeah yeah

00:34:26.460 but because he was a fucking horse everyone wanted him to be a fucking pony and he was a

00:34:29.980 fucking so i mean i don't know look i love the guy i miss him a ton but some guys are

00:34:34.300 fucking sprinters it's it was you know don't try to fucking i used to have a bit about it about how

00:34:38.860 women catch horses and maybe it's misogynistic now but they they catch you and then they you know

00:34:44.620 like you because you just like running on top of mountains just going lightning striking and

00:34:49.980 then these settlers just staring up at the mountain going i'm gonna get me that horse yeah and then

00:34:53.820 they come up with a bag of carrots carrots blowjobs and they're like you probably heard this joke

00:34:56.780 before and they're like hey come here and you're like i like blowjobs and then when they pet you

00:35:01.980 so when you the really interesting thing about horses so horses like this is kind of crazy this

00:35:08.460 blew me away but horses are are out in past like when you go when every morning i have to go get

00:35:13.580 my horse and my horse would be in a field uh-uh and so i you have to go get your horse and you

00:35:17.660 whistle or you just go over there hey boy hey boy and they like it and you bring like a carrot or an

00:35:22.700 apple and he'd be like they don't know they're getting caught right they don't want to be caught

00:35:27.580 and he just comes over and the way you catch a horse is you throw a rope over his neck just throw

00:35:33.900 a rope a rope over his neck boom he's yours and my wife did that to me just threw a rope over my

00:35:39.820 neck i didn't even know i was caught i didn't even know i was caught next thing i got two kids

00:35:44.060 fucking five mortgages i'm caught man i can't run anywhere it's true well you're done i'm done i'm

00:35:50.300 cool with it i'm cool with it was there a point where you ever thought like hey if i'm gonna get if i'm

00:35:55.340 gonna get back out there i gotta get back out there now i remember that moment we were on the

00:35:59.980 beach wow we're on the beach and she said hey she dumped me and uh and i knew very acutely that i

00:36:07.580 needed her in my life and so i i've won her back i made like a mix tape i made a mix tape i wrote a

00:36:14.300 letter i cried in my shower i cried in my car i cried everywhere yeah went on a run up runyon i was

00:36:19.260 coming down outpost by beneflax old house and uh and the sun was setting it had just rained

00:36:25.340 and i said to god this is what we were talking about earlier and this is a hint on who i want

00:36:29.100 on my podcast i said to god if you give me this woman i won't fuck it up i won't cheat on her i

00:36:34.140 won't misbehave i won't like i'll follow whatever i'll be a good man i'm i'm i'll learn i'll go to

00:36:40.620 therapy i'll do all the shit you need me to do to be like the guy she wants and i got back to my uh

00:36:45.740 my house and she was sitting on my bed in a sundress no i swear to god and i went oh you're

00:36:50.700 fucking listening i was like careful what you wish for right i was like because then you're like

00:36:55.020 so we talked right we go to dinner out at like someplace in malibu i have a panic attack at

00:37:01.020 dinner i was just telling my daughter this the other day and and then we went to the beach we

00:37:04.220 went out to zuma at night went out to zuma sat there and she said i'll take you back but i need

00:37:12.220 to know that this is going to be real like that that we could like this is going to lead to something

00:37:17.660 and i remember that that moment it's like it's the natural horse instinct where you go

00:37:23.500 yeah like wait do i should i run should i run or just stay here with the carrots and the petting

00:37:29.580 and i was like and i thought to myself if i walk away there's other there'll be another chick

00:37:36.220 is that is the hopes of that better than this and i thought about it and i was like nope this is the

00:37:42.700 best thing i can get in my head that sounds cheap but this is the best thing i that's ever

00:37:47.420 coming my way like just a good person right i don't want to miss this yeah she was like she's

00:37:53.420 all the things you could ever say about i'd ever say about my wife the one thing i know about my

00:37:57.980 wife is she's a good person she cares about me she cares about like she's selfless like real selfless

00:38:05.580 like i i'm pretty self-centered i said to the girls the other day i said you know i bust my ass on the road

00:38:11.500 for you guys and leanne goes no you don't she's like yeah no you don't i don't think bird bird bird

00:38:19.340 has anything to do with anybody else it's you she goes you're because i was supposed to not work in

00:38:24.940 december and then i got offered alaska and i was like fuck y'all do alaska she's like you're doing

00:38:29.180 that for you you're not you're not like we need christmas presents you're doing it because it's an

00:38:33.900 arena in alaska and you want to go snowboarding for a week and i was like oh yeah i do this all for me

00:38:38.780 she's like it's all about you you're not doing red rocks for us you're doing it for you you do pot

00:38:44.460 like like i'm fucking she's taking the dog to the vet she's like you want to go i was like i gotta go

00:38:48.380 work but i want to be here with you you make me laugh so like i'm like it's all about me she does

00:38:54.060 nothing for her she does everything for us so and i need that teammate she's oh yeah she's your

00:38:59.100 partner in crime she's my lab partner yeah yeah so she's my hillary clinton yeah that's a bad example

00:39:04.460 uh but she's hotter than hillary though yeah way hotter um it's a good hit yeah what else is going

00:39:11.100 on i haven't seen you in a while i haven't seen you in forever i know i've just seen you on social

00:39:14.380 media and you've been so busy man it's crazy i was gonna name my tour the relapse tour no yeah

00:39:20.300 are you serious yeah i got a lot of shit for that did you yeah because i've never been in recovery

00:39:25.820 so some people are pretty sensitive about that oh yeah i can see that maybe and so yeah so jealous

00:39:31.260 no i'm sorry yeah i was i just was uh because i started the birdie boy tour and then um and then

00:39:37.900 it got canceled because of covid and then i did the uh i did the drive-in movie theaters and i i love

00:39:43.420 that one hot summer nights is a great i love that title of that branding i love the everything the

00:39:47.420 the bus what it looked like it was so fun it was so kind of like 1980s bright colors and then when

00:39:53.340 they were like hey you got to rename your new tour but you got to let them know that their tickets are

00:39:57.100 still valid for the old tour you know some people were like uh one for the road or back about you

00:40:03.100 know whatever and i just thought oh relapse would be great not thinking that there are that

00:40:06.780 recovery is a pretty serious thing there were some people that were upset like hey man it's no

00:40:10.300 fucking joke and i was like they're all jokes to me you should hear what i really joke about i was

00:40:16.140 being serious on that one

00:40:17.260 no no i've never done i've never done the whole recovery thing and uh do you ever think about it

00:40:27.420 because you go i mean you go pretty hard you know i think about it all the time yeah i mean the problem

00:40:33.020 i have is uh the problem i have is that what happens is when i feel like i'm going too hard there's this

00:40:39.660 internal kind of uh metronome in me that goes it's time to slow down it's time to you got it let's let's do a

00:40:46.700 couple nights off let's you know and not the way like a regular person would go like we'll just drink

00:40:51.580 on weekends you know and i'll be like i'll just i won't drink monday tuesday you know monday tuesday

00:40:56.380 wednesday like this is gonna sound this is gonna be the most horrific statement you'll ever hear me

00:41:00.860 sound a podcast trust me but like or or you'll go let's let's not drink on private jets you know like

00:41:06.460 that's like if you're buying a private jet to get yourself to work maybe you should use that as that

00:41:11.580 really expensive plane ticket as a time to uh recovery and and work hard and read a script and

00:41:19.340 not just part of your fucking dick off like i have the whole time i've ever gotten private

00:41:22.700 i get on a private jet i'd be like if i'm paying 13 000 30 000 whatever i'm paying for a flight

00:41:27.100 i'm partying my fucking dick off we're eating edibles we're fucking like yeah i'm gonna fucking get

00:41:33.020 fucking wasted oh dude and then and then i started going no i should probably not do that i should

00:41:39.900 probably use this as a time to work on my business because it's a business expense technically so yeah

00:41:46.140 so so but i always think about it i think about there's a hint i of who my podcast guest would be

00:41:51.420 i think about i was just the vatican and i think about i i i i have this epiphany

00:41:58.060 so everyone has their god right so like rogan's god i'm not speaking on behalf of joe but like

00:42:05.500 from my perspective from the outside perspective his god is anti-aging right like so everyone's

00:42:10.300 worried about death so what are you going to do about death to make you feel better when you wake

00:42:14.140 up in the morning well for rogan he's taking care of himself he's working out hard uh staying sharp

00:42:19.980 reading listen to audiobooks and and so it's all the anti-aging shit he does polar plunged uh sauna uh stem

00:42:27.260 cells uh uh um walking hyperbaric chambers yeah thinking yeah walking and thinking are in there

00:42:34.140 but and so that's his god yeah right uh segura's god is money and nice things and blood doping

00:42:42.940 whatever segura's into i don't really know ari's god is drugs is is mushrooms and psychedelics and molly

00:42:49.340 the shadows yeah and and and and dark traveling so like everyone's got their god and then some people

00:42:54.140 we know that growing up their god is really god they believe in god yeah and that's the thing that

00:42:58.940 gets them through their day is they take a minute and pray and then i was like i was like well and so

00:43:05.180 like all our friends are they don't believe in the real well don't believe in god but do their own god

00:43:11.100 i go what if i just added a little bit of real god to me like what if i tried to find what if i legit

00:43:16.300 what if i legit was like open to faith mm-hmm like open to like maybe something maybe because

00:43:24.140 i was at the vatican and i have like i have all the like the crosses and the the medals for the

00:43:30.380 saints i believe the merch yeah

00:43:36.220 i genuinely love your brain i love your brain you make me giggle so

00:43:39.180 fucking hard oh thanks man you're laughing so much this morning for the long time i'm trying to

00:43:43.580 stay off vaping so are you really yeah really jesus brother you know how many people women are vaping

00:43:49.980 men uh yeah children i mean the whole families are laying in their bed at night fucking clouds of

00:43:55.500 smoke yeah leaving chimneys people think it's like that it's just a warm home inside or it looks or they

00:44:00.380 think that uh someone opened a mummy's casket and the curse got passed on everyone

00:44:04.700 yeah i uh i never vaped oh i mean vape marijuana but get out of there um okay so what else happened

00:44:13.980 so i'm in the vatican and i'm like beautiful it's really beautiful it's uh we snuck a little

00:44:21.260 thing of salamis in there too when we went for real yeah and just nibbling on it there's no food

00:44:25.980 summer sticks you know bring up that summer sausage dude summer sausage is good it's kind of it's kind

00:44:31.980 of a deceptive name too yes summer sausage rogan gave me some summer sausage oh it's so good man

00:44:37.020 bring up a stick of that god it's good and you know that with elk he gave me a summer sausage with

00:44:41.740 elk and i didn't know what it was i tried to cook it and i was like i don't think this needs to be

00:44:46.300 cooked damn a huge i feel like if you you bite into that a warp zone will open up in your local butcher

00:44:51.660 shop dude that shit sounds insane huh but look yeah we would nibble on that while we're walking

00:44:56.460 through there we got a couple at ease i couldn't even have a water you couldn't i don't think so

00:45:02.060 because i think they don't want people watering down the art or watering down that's it yeah because

00:45:05.420 we did the whole tour like we did sistine chapel all the artwork and then yeah i don't think we had

00:45:11.580 anything we could have anything to drink and then at the end we were fucking starving we were

00:45:16.140 fucking starving and we're buying and we're buying uh merch they do sell merch like that like it's

00:45:22.620 great that's funny yeah i was we were buying merch and uh and george and i were like i'm about to eat

00:45:27.660 my fucking flip-flop and i was like yeah let's let's go get something and so we went to we had a

00:45:31.420 really shitty actually lunch and we went it's like a pizza place or something yeah it wasn't even good

00:45:36.860 pizza yeah that's the worst it's that's one of the worst things about being a tourist in another

00:45:40.060 country everything looks like it's perfect because of the setting yeah and then you realize that you're

00:45:44.620 at like you know just some kind of just run-of-the-mill joint you went to italy i drank perfectly in italy oh wow

00:45:53.180 perfectly i mean so here's my thing with drinking if i if i day drink it fucks me up i can't day

00:45:58.140 drink really so like i can only drink i need to have that's why the road works well for me because

00:46:01.900 i don't have my first drink to like midnight oh wow yeah yeah so i'll drink midnight till two

00:46:06.700 whenever bus call is maybe have a pop on the bus not lately because i have acid reflux so usually

00:46:12.460 just have a couple drinks you know after the show two or three drinks and then on the bus go to

00:46:16.540 sleep maybe hit a vape pen let it join go to bed and and i'm out listen to a podcast i'm out and

00:46:22.540 then wake up the next day a little late but i don't drink the whole fucking day so that's really

00:46:26.220 good for me because day drinking if i that's why i don't drink on jets or drink on planes because i

00:46:31.100 if i day drink on a plane then it goes out throughout the day and then that really puts a dent on your on

00:46:37.020 your on your wellness like you just feel like shit your sweat smells like piss you're shaky your

00:46:42.940 piss smells like sweat no your sweat smells like piss too both of them yeah both of them i mean when

00:46:49.100 you're in my balls smelled i drank all day yesterday fucking started at like seven so you just did it

00:46:56.940 yeah yesterday but i but i were i busted my ass in the gym today so it got out of me yeah but uh my

00:47:02.300 balls smelled the worst anyone's balls have ever smelled in their entire life when i got in the shower

00:47:07.740 to come here i took a little dab and sniff and i was like oh that's worse than armpits oh that's

00:47:13.260 fucking and that was that was booze so how jealous do you think the front the the how jealous do you

00:47:19.340 think the back of your balls are of the front of your balls dude well the back of your balls hang

00:47:24.860 out with your asshole the front of your balls hangs out with your dick yeah i'd much rather hang out

00:47:28.380 with a dick than an asshole me too imagine is being back there it's like living in the slums it's like

00:47:33.900 like it's like a it's like it's like uh i'm trying to think of two comics one a dick and one's an

00:47:41.500 asshole would you want to hang out with maybe dice and uh wait which is nice i mean you can put

00:47:51.340 either way probably dice could be a dick but that's also his brand though yeah but it's like an ironic

00:47:57.100 dick right right oh yeah he's an ironic like he's he's he's just who likes being a dick jeselnik

00:48:02.540 kind of is he a dick i don't know he's just kind of morose i think he's just quiet i think he's just

00:48:06.460 a i think jeselnik is like a jeselnik's like segura they don't need to talk to people i need to talk to

00:48:11.340 people i have to talk to people i'm gonna stand outside oh tom doesn't he's kind of he can do his

00:48:15.260 own thing huh he could not speak for the rest of his life i think other than on stage and he'd be

00:48:18.860 very happy wow he does not need to speak like he does not i get into a car with someone and i am chitty

00:48:25.820 chatty kathy yeah the whole ride yeah you're really you like to be alive i love being alive it's like

00:48:32.380 my favorite part of being alive is loving that you're alive right like if you just kind of go

00:48:36.220 i'm alive you know there's times i'm you know there's times where i'm i wake up and i'm rough

00:48:41.340 this is when we're talking about like the recovery brain of like man what what should i do and then

00:48:47.020 i think the difference is i wake up and if i feel a little down a little depressed maybe a little

00:48:52.700 hungover maybe a little shaky from partying too hard i go you have two options today you can lose

00:48:58.060 today you're gonna lose it you're you're allowed to you're allowed to take a xanax tap out get back

00:49:02.380 in bed crank up the ac throw on netflix put it on a spanish-speaking cooking show and just go to

00:49:07.900 sleep for the whole day you can do that or you can choose to win the day where you get up you have

00:49:11.740 a coffee you barrel through it you go to the gym you work out and you just ignore that voice in your

00:49:16.780 head that goes hey man we're not going to be able to do this today you go i'm not listening to you

00:49:20.620 today i chose to seize today and and and and knowing for me knowing that i have that tap out of like

00:49:26.060 hey we can call it a day we can wake up and call it a day make a breakfast sandwich eat a xanax

00:49:31.020 watch netflix crank up the ac blackout curtains sleep wake up at eight and have a cocktail with your

00:49:36.860 wife and have a great fucking day we can do that or we can push through the day we can get up early

00:49:42.220 we can go have a coffee we have a treat maybe a little bit of instagram a treat you know a little

00:49:47.100 yeah and then get in the gym push through it piss sweat in the sauna in the polar plunge and you will

00:49:53.020 feel better you will feel i promise you you will feel better and what do you choose i always choose

00:49:57.580 the the one where i work out i always choose it i have choosed i've chosen xanax before i have right

00:50:04.220 i have my wife always knows it and she's like so funny i thought you were different than that

00:50:08.380 but you just gotta you gotta choose to not listen to that voice in your head that's going

00:50:13.340 we can't do this man this is too hard like you've ever gotten up well i go ahead i think that's where

00:50:18.780 some people struggle with like alcoholism i think that voice it's not even sometimes about

00:50:23.260 the drugs and alcohol it's just about that voice the next day and how much it like haunts them or

00:50:28.300 like how much it like the drugs and alcohol fuel whatever the negative feelings like it just it's

00:50:34.780 such a gasoline on those thoughts and feelings do you ever feel like do you ever feel like maybe and

00:50:40.460 by the way we don't have to keep this in if you don't want to but do you ever feel like i always

00:50:43.740 wonder with you because i know you're sober do you ever feel like maybe there was just aspects

00:50:49.260 of your sobriety maybe there was aspects of your partying that should never have been included

00:50:55.180 yeah like cocaine yeah like that should never have been in your mix right and you should have never

00:50:59.820 been introduced to it and had you never been introduced to it you may be able to have a few

00:51:03.660 beers with people i'm not saying that by the way i'm not i'm not oh i want you to i want your

00:51:06.940 happiness no i think about that every day you are you are a joy to listen to literally honestly a treat

00:51:13.500 when you come up i i mean i it's funny who your kids like right like georgia just thinks you are

00:51:19.100 fucking the cat's pajamas you make her giggle so hard isla's a big tim dillon fan that makes sense

00:51:26.220 right and so it's great but like i don't want to fuck with either you or tim's sobriety but you

00:51:30.620 ever think that way oh yeah okay and i can't do it it fucks me up so bad that i want to quit everything

00:51:36.780 yeah i go fuck it it's like the next day off of cocaine i'm literally um i'm literally

00:51:43.820 waiting for the stroke to hit i'm going like it's coming right now it's coming right now why

00:51:48.380 did i do this yeah i did this to myself yeah it's like that no whammies like that game show yeah no

00:51:53.180 whammies no whammies it's a heart attack god damn it my heart's racing it's the dumbest dude yeah

00:51:57.980 cocaine's just insane man if i'd never found cocaine yeah i'd never had any problem with anything else

00:52:02.700 that's crazy so sometimes i think maybe at some point i would just not do cocaine but

00:52:07.580 yeah i mean it leads to it yeah that's the problem is it's once you once you find out you can

00:52:12.940 once you find out you can just turn around in the median and go the other direction on the highway

00:52:16.940 it's really hard to not do that every time yeah like if you never knew if you never knew you couldn't

00:52:21.900 do that yeah when people were like yeah i i and then i realized why i never even super enjoyed drinking

00:52:27.740 because cocaine you i'm like i can get messed up right now right now and marks get go you know what

00:52:35.900 i'm saying it really does it really is so much better than a shot it's just like it's like and

00:52:41.900 i remember the first time i ever did cocaine i was in new orleans and uh and my buddy had a rock

00:52:48.540 and he had a screen of a damn this makes me want to touch my fucking dick even hearing about it he

00:52:54.620 told me he's one of my best friends to this day one of my best friends and uh he said i we were looking

00:53:00.220 for uh ecstasy and he said i don't have any ecstasy and i said you're partying right he was like

00:53:06.620 i am we're same age uh and he goes i i and what do you look like a white guy a really good looking

00:53:14.140 guy more italian more looking like michelangelo um you know you know michelangelo's name wasn't

00:53:21.420 michael angelo it was in one word it was one word michelangelo and it was and that was part of a

00:53:26.860 bigger name i thought it was michael angelo not like michelangelo p3 uh uh muslimi that's a black

00:53:33.660 italian i think if it's the full one yeah michelangelo yeah it's amazing there aren't more michelangelos

00:53:39.980 anyway he he said i have cocaine and i said i said you i remember going you do you do cocaine and he

00:53:46.620 goes i i yeah we do cocaine he was like and i was like is it safe and he was like yeah it's totally

00:53:53.180 safe he goes here's the deal look me in the eyes and he said it's really good and it could become

00:53:59.820 a problem and he goes and it it has for friends like trust me and i was like well what should i do

00:54:06.300 and he goes i he goes i'm you got to make that decision on your own so i went up to my buddy who

00:54:10.220 i was looking for xc with and i said we can't get xc but we can get cocaine and he was like he's like

00:54:14.860 i'll do it i was like i was like i've never done it and he goes it's it's pretty good and i was like

00:54:19.020 really and he was like yeah so we went back i said i'll do something didn't have to buy it he

00:54:23.980 just gave us you know i grew up a kid and he shaved it off of the screen of like a window it was a

00:54:30.140 screen it was a screen that was on like a a tilt so it was like two sticks with a screen that went

00:54:34.780 like this and it was maybe this big that's carpenter's cut dude that shit is good he shaved

00:54:39.020 it off of that and it feathered down and he cut a line and uh he said snort half of that with one with

00:54:47.980 your nose and i started the whole thing with one nostril yeah and he goes that that's i think

00:54:53.900 you're good and i went okay and theo immediately from this tooth over and this tooth over went

00:55:02.300 ice numb the whole side of my face and i went i was like whoo i thought whoo and my first thought was

00:55:09.740 i i i remember i could walk outside and rip a tree out of the ground and carry it around tonight

00:55:15.900 but i'm so smart that i won't do that because if they see me with the tree they'll go he's on

00:55:21.900 cocaine so i'm not ripping trees out and then i was like i think i'm gonna need to do the other

00:55:26.300 nose because this side isn't numb and he was like okay just a little one and he gave me another line

00:55:31.340 and i did the other side and this tooth went sing i mean i could hear it go and it went all over

00:55:37.180 there and i said uh i looked at my buddy and that my oh i won't say his name the buddy i was partying

00:55:43.020 with ron and uh close and so i said to our other friend i said i think i think we're gonna go down

00:55:47.660 to the bourbon street and he's like okay he's like he's like no cell phones he's like we'll see you

00:55:52.460 later and i was like great and i looked at my buddy and i said let's go have some fun we took a little

00:55:57.740 bit of pouts with us and we had one of the most exciting nights of our lives and and and maybe i don't

00:56:05.660 even think we did any more cocaine throughout the night i think we maybe did a key bump maybe yeah

00:56:10.220 but i don't think we did anymore and we had the greatest fucking night of our life and then

00:56:14.220 that night went back passed out my truck woke up when the sun was coming up with the most

00:56:19.980 acutely searing anxiety attack i've ever had in my life and we had an eight ball left that my buddy

00:56:27.100 gave me for to take home and and we had to drive to take home yeah yeah yeah and so i took the eight

00:56:32.940 ball i put it in my cherokee we drove from new orleans to tallahassee and all my brain did was

00:56:41.580 like i heard my brain you know you got regular brain where you go hey maybe we should pull over

00:56:47.580 and get mcdonald's and your little regular brain regular little guy you've been with your whole life

00:56:52.460 and then you go oh that sounds like a good idea and he's like i just thought i'd put it right up bring

00:56:56.220 it up yeah and so i get in the car and little brain's like dude we still have that cocaine right and i was

00:57:01.180 like yeah i put it in the it's in the middle he's like are you sure i took an idea and then all of

00:57:06.220 a sudden this this fucking anxiety voice goes what the fuck are we traveling with cocaine dude we're

00:57:12.060 going to fucking jail what the fuck you need to pull over right now you need to hide that in one

00:57:17.180 of your bags either that or do it we got to do cocaine that'll make the drive so much better and

00:57:21.420 i was like should we get food and he's like fuck that we've got iron stomach we can't get our dick

00:57:26.940 corn and we can't shit let's drive drive it was like sam sam kinnison was in my head and man i tell

00:57:32.860 you very candidly i haven't got rid of that voice forever that's why i don't fuck around with cocaine

00:57:36.700 is that fucking voice the next day all that fun that was it's not worth it to hear that guy yeah

00:57:42.060 we better get out of bed you're on blood pressure medicine what the fuck did we do last night

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00:59:21.580 they send you a sugar cane so you was eating you know getting sweet and you were um you know taking

00:59:27.980 care of a limp or something or helping a senior but damn it's impossible to cancel the subscription

00:59:34.140 so i got cane showing up everywhere it's just it's it's gotten ridiculous it's just it's not fair to

00:59:41.420 have to cancel everything and they make it so hard they trick you they scamming that's why i love using

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01:00:02.620 hundreds you know you might have a subscription to this to could be netflix or uh you know gummyworms.net

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01:00:34.380 slash theo we hope you're enjoying your air canada flight rocky's vacation here we come

01:00:41.500 whoa is this economy free beer wine and snacks sweet fast free wi-fi means i can make dinner

01:00:49.100 reservations before we land and with live tv i'm not missing the game it's kind of like i'm already on

01:00:56.140 vacation nice on behalf of air canada nice travels wi-fi available to airplane members

01:01:03.180 on equipped flights sponsored by bell conditions apply see your canada.com yeah man that thing that

01:01:07.980 that's the thing it's like you don't want to fuel that voice because in some people that voice is

01:01:12.060 already kind of like animated yeah and so yeah sometimes people are drinking to shut that voice

01:01:18.060 off right and then and when you sober up that voice goes you just hear him wake up like

01:01:21.660 like what the fuck did you you tried to kill me with alcohol last night oh welcome to hell

01:01:27.660 motherfucker let's check our dick we got genital warts

01:01:34.940 yeah dude i mean that voice that's why xanax is so great xanax i never had no xanax oh xanax just

01:01:41.820 grabs him real quick like a fucking gracie grabs his gi and goes like this good night good night you go to

01:01:47.660 the night bed now and he's like oh can't breathe can't breathe can't breathe and then all of a

01:01:52.140 sudden xanax comes you come out of a xanax and you hear that voice and he's like he's like how long

01:01:56.380 have i been out for and you're like all right you're good man just lay there for a little bit

01:02:00.140 lay there wake up and he's like okay holy shit what day is it and you're like it's thursday he's

01:02:04.700 like oh fuck what are we doing this weekend like don't worry about we're gonna have a drink later

01:02:07.500 tonight let's just shut the fuck up he's like dude i got fucked up last night what happened

01:02:12.300 it's like the whole thing is shutting that voice down by the way i'm sure there's someone who runs

01:02:16.860 a recovery center that right now that's like oh bert needs to go into recovery tomorrow

01:02:21.500 and by the way we need to can't get rid of this podcast you've just got everyone back on cocaine

01:02:26.780 i don't know man well these days also cocaine got too dangerous to even do so it's like funny

01:02:31.820 now one of the things that keeps me from doing cocaine is cocaine because it's like it's not

01:02:38.700 it's just there's no reliability with it like i remember uh trying to convince somebody like oh

01:02:46.540 this guy gets legit cocaine and like where does he get it from and i'm like all right you're right

01:02:50.940 i have no idea he drives a fucking dodge neon okay i'm sure it's good dude look at his

01:03:00.140 fucking line in his hair come on he's got he gets good stuff guys look at his fingernails

01:03:04.780 they're pedicures they're manicures we're good you know i got some i have some friends i won't

01:03:08.620 say their name i won't say their name and i hope they're watching because i want to say their name

01:03:12.220 so bad because they're comics but i have some friends i was partying with and we're like hey

01:03:15.980 you want to get some cocaine and i was like i'm i'm turning 50 in november that's it's way out of my

01:03:21.340 fucking i don't know it's risky it's why there's no reason for me to do it there's nothing there's no

01:03:25.660 benefit i i know and so i was like nah and they got it and it came with a fentanyl tester

01:03:30.380 oh yeah there's some fentanyl testing but how can you test every little gram of it can you bring

01:03:35.180 that up can we see what that looks like i don't know they i don't know but i'll tell you one guy

01:03:38.620 went to the hospital wow yeah it's really dangerous um but yeah for alcoholism do you think that you're

01:03:45.500 an alcoholic no i've been i've run it through the ringer a few times dr drew's my litmus oh yeah and

01:03:51.340 i've talked to him about he's like you're not an alcoholic you just drink too much he's like

01:03:54.700 alcoholism is different being powerless to alcohol is different than drinking a lot yeah and i think same

01:04:00.060 with like i'm a guy like ron white i think he was a big drinker i don't think he was an alcoholic

01:04:04.540 because he just quit yeah i think he was like you know same with nick schwartz and nick schwartz is

01:04:08.780 just a big or i don't think nick drinks anymore but he was just a big drinker i don't think he was

01:04:11.980 an hour of a powerless to it he's planning on drinking again oh oh for real oh good for him

01:04:20.220 nick has the best story dude nick's like bro i was in denver oh he almost died in denver wait

01:04:25.580 i don't did it no he did tell that oh god i was just like here's how i just felt like i guess like

01:04:30.780 he was almost died you know they they fucking they had they put him in hospice they had a priest come

01:04:36.860 in and go the priest tried to molest him too keep going still what do you expect dude if you're going

01:04:43.500 in a hospice and you call a priest dude somebody better touch your dick can you imagine how bad it

01:04:47.580 would be to be have been molested by a priest and then be on your deathbed and the priest walks in you're

01:04:51.260 like great the one thing i've tried to never remember my whole life thanks for bringing it

01:04:55.900 up once you bring in a snake i'm scared of them too oh my god dude that's got to be so true man

01:05:03.740 but nick was so great he's like man if you drink in denver beware of the altitude he's like you got

01:05:08.780 to drink water the altitude will get you he's like i was drinking for six weeks at a motel and uh

01:05:14.540 the out i'm like the altitude isn't the issue it's not the altitude it's the motel once you put

01:05:20.540 the motel in there yeah you're leaving you're leaving colorado he's like dude if you're gonna

01:05:28.940 drink in phoenix man the cactus is there yeah you know did you know there's a lot of cats in florida

01:05:35.740 do you go down to key west if you're drinking anywhere near the hemingway house there are cats

01:05:39.980 your allergies will kick in and you'll die from drinking yeah you go to the hospital man nick

01:05:45.020 so funny dude he's so funny he's not drinking now no he's been served for a while man good for him

01:05:50.060 but um he had a couple cities that were like on his on his fear list but i think that's well that's

01:05:54.380 the truth it's like you know if you it's like i think dr drew's a great litmus test he's really

01:06:00.460 really awesome about all that stuff if i'll tell you right now no one comments on your drinking if

01:06:03.740 you're skinny when you're fat and i've been really fat i kind of still am that's when you get people

01:06:09.100 showing up i had a week where i had three people tell me they were worried about me but they were

01:06:13.980 just worried about me because i would look like shit and i was fat i was 265 pounds i told someone

01:06:20.460 i told someone the other day who was i talking to i said i was 265 pounds and he goes 270 i went no

01:06:26.060 i was never 270 he goes yeah you were you just didn't know it wow because once you weigh yourself

01:06:30.220 at 265 going i look good today and then you're like 265 that's fucking fat well there's days you're 270

01:06:35.980 and so uh i had like three people reach out to me and go hey man i'm worried about you i'm concerned

01:06:41.500 for you um one of them counted two of them didn't um that didn't count but right but you're like how

01:06:48.620 do you know i was like you haven't been around me you just saw me one time and you were partying with

01:06:51.900 me and and and and by the way you're not my wife you're not my best friend like if tommy says

01:06:55.980 to me i'm worried about you then i listen right like so yeah but uh i lost weight i lost like 20 pounds

01:07:03.660 and uh and then nobody said anything no second thing lately and i probably probably partying just

01:07:07.660 as hard as i always have you know yeah i mean i've thought you were gonna die before but i think

01:07:12.700 that it's i will die yes so you're gonna win that one but i think it's because um

01:07:20.860 i think it's because you go so hard like you just have i mean it's just whatever you've always had i'm

01:07:26.700 like a lot of it i think is also envy i'm like how does he keep going watching his social media

01:07:34.940 feed is making i'm tired like i'll go i'll see three three reels of yours on instagram and have

01:07:40.300 to and go get a massage you know i'm saying i'm tired it's like wow how does he keep going i don't

01:07:45.100 know i think it's the thing i think uh i don't know i think i'm a little bit of a holic it's like

01:07:52.060 i'm a i'm a holic of a lot of things but not full-blown like i'm a workaholic i'm a workaholic

01:07:57.020 i'm a workaholic hardcore and i think maybe that's where i put my a holism in is in it like a healthy

01:08:02.700 place but it's not healthy it it pulls from your family and your your your your sense of well-being

01:08:08.540 and your and but like i don't mind being a workaholic because i feel like you only get one especially

01:08:14.300 now because you only get one opportunity to shine so you get an opportunity to sell some tickets

01:08:18.860 tickets in my opinion you you better be on the road trying to sell some tickets if you if you pop

01:08:24.940 you know like if you have a moment and you pop and people go i want to see that i want to see what

01:08:29.820 that guy's like live you know they will forget about you so you kind of got to go out and be like i'm

01:08:34.620 here um i trust me i took two and i took two and two months off and i was off social media pretty

01:08:40.620 much like i was fucking around with it every now and then but there'll be days where i'd have like

01:08:43.420 two stories up and i and i'd forget and i'd skip a whole day and and i and i had to remind myself

01:08:50.220 you have to go back to work like you need to get ready to go back to work and i i could very easily

01:08:55.260 be like everyone else and go like yeah man i think i'm just gonna do podcasts you know and and i'm not

01:09:00.860 and not push it as hard as i do but i only got one opportunity i'm not gonna live forever and and i'm

01:09:05.980 i definitely want to make sure that my family's comfortable and i and i i love stand up and i love

01:09:10.380 podcasting i love my cooking show something's burning i love i love two bears i love being i

01:09:16.380 love all of it i love fucking around with joe on me on social media and taunting him and and and

01:09:22.460 hearing the text i get back from i got five texts from joe in my pocket and i i get so like sober

01:09:27.340 october's getting ready and so we're fucking around and challenging each other i love that

01:09:32.220 shit i love that but i love all of it i love you know i love taking in content as well it's like

01:09:38.380 well you love getting up every day i mean you really love being a lot you love it i love being

01:09:44.060 alive like today's a great day today's a great day yeah today's a great day i woke up at uh i woke

01:09:49.100 up at six woke up at six got up with liam we had great sex last night so we just kind of caught up

01:09:56.540 and what is great so you guys are doing the great sex so it's um and you guys now as you get older

01:10:03.340 do you have to do it for a long time does that matter it's a lot quicker oh wow yeah we get each

01:10:07.900 other down right so like uh like last night she last night last night the the the horse was already

01:10:17.180 panting okay like she was she came in bed looking to fool around and does she do any does she like

01:10:22.780 turn a plant a certain way or like light a candle or like do a leave a chocolate or something

01:10:28.540 no she smiles and she's playful and she's so leanne's like a little bit of a will she bat at

01:10:32.620 that wiener like a cat no no no no no a lot of women do that she's uh she's uh she's a bully so

01:10:39.900 like she likes to get in bed and fuck with you where's that dick at yeah yeah what was she saying

01:10:43.660 last night that was so funny she kept going uh let's get that dick out tiger huh no she wasn't saying

01:10:50.620 that but she was doing something that was funny but it's bullying me and so so she gets in like a like

01:10:56.460 like a like a almost like a fun bully mode let me burp that worm homie or something like that

01:11:00.620 yeah gang gang yeah yeah that's it dude yeah so she but she was fun last night and then i was like all

01:11:06.300 right and so we started messing around and and uh when when we started i was like oh she's here to

01:11:12.380 part like she got drunk last night she never gets drunk georgia had to drive us home she never gets

01:11:16.860 drunk never gets drunk she drank a bottle of rosé by herself oh if it's rosé dude somebody's giving head

01:11:22.860 and and man it was like you know you ever been so hungry you you get uh kentucky fried chicken and

01:11:32.620 you don't know whether to start with the mac and cheese and mashed potatoes or to eat some chicken

01:11:35.580 yeah and you take a bite of chicken then start before you yeah you have it all in your mouth

01:11:39.100 before you even have any of it down and you don't even know what you're tasting anymore yes that's

01:11:41.820 what sex was like last night like just sloppy drunk kfc at two and we all doing oral too or not oh

01:11:47.980 yeah oh back and forth and oh and it was just it was all of it and leanne's really good at blowjobs

01:11:52.620 wow that's really really really good she's really like she's next level she's next

01:11:57.260 fucking level yeah a lot of women uh especially from smaller communities i hope she's cool with me

01:12:03.580 saying that oh i think it's admirable i just i forget i'm doing a podcast i'm like yeah yeah

01:12:08.300 she's really good oh i think it's admirable you don't i mean there's nothing stranger

01:12:12.220 she grew up in the south and most of her family can't read that's why they're good at blowjobs

01:12:16.300 oh dude if uh yeah i bet you got ken who could fucking suck like nobody's business

01:12:25.660 like a third cousin or something dude is this crazy to say this bro now i wonder if this is crazy

01:12:31.020 is it sometimes it's like i'll be talking to like uh like have you ever talked yet what kind of siblings

01:12:39.500 do you have two sisters isn't it weird sometimes that they've blown dudes before does that ever seem

01:12:44.940 weird to you uh you know like yeah uh i don't think about it right i don't think about the act of it

01:12:52.620 but like that they have done it right the other day i was talking to my sister and i'm like it just hit

01:12:56.540 me in that i was like oh my god she's like old enough to have been blowing dudes and everything

01:13:02.140 and i'm like a sister okay yeah i got two sisters and she has three you know she has two children

01:13:07.260 and stuff but uh same same mom same mom same dad really yeah how older sisters you're the youngest

01:13:14.700 right yeah they're they yeah they're in their 30s so it's so funny wait wait older sisters they're

01:13:20.860 younger okay yeah they're younger and you're like they're in their 30s i did that the other day i forgot

01:13:25.260 i was like mess you say something wrong and then don't correct yourself and you're like yeah i'm turning

01:13:29.820 40 next month and everyone's like and now no one could listen to anything i said after that they're

01:13:33.740 like are you gonna go with that i was like yeah right and i was like i mean 50 i'm turning 50.

01:13:38.540 so wait it's so funny i always thought you were an only kid for some reason i was always thinking

01:13:43.340 you had only kid energy i could see that i always felt like an only kid i like distanced myself from

01:13:49.740 my family right out of the gate yeah you did didn't you yeah it was just like a budget program

01:13:53.340 over there i was like i'm out i want i want a profile to figure your brain out because you got energy

01:13:57.980 no one's got you got you know what you got you got i was hearing a story about a man

01:14:02.380 uh from hawaii i won't say his name only just out of respect i was hanging out with his son

01:14:06.540 and uh they said he left home and he was 12 and then you got that and the guy's very successful

01:14:11.580 very successful in hawaii um game changer fucking next level dude you got that energy you got oprah

01:14:17.980 energy we're like you go i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna get there i'll make it i'll i don't

01:14:23.580 i'll i'll get through there yeah you got you're an interesting dude well thanks man yeah i think

01:14:30.780 you're an interesting dude man i i definitely always get envious of your ability to keep going

01:14:35.420 it's like and yeah i think that's why i think people think you're gonna die is because they're

01:14:39.340 like oh how can he keep going but then i think there's just some people who just have the ability

01:14:47.100 to keep going like do you feel under like insane pressure by your own schedule yeah i was saying

01:14:52.860 that to when we talked and you were like how's everything i said it can get very overwhelming at

01:14:57.340 times very overwhelming especially because i've set myself up into a scenario and i'm not i'm not

01:15:01.900 complaining at all i want to be very clear it doesn't sound like you are this doesn't sound

01:15:05.020 like self-pity or anything so two years a year ago two years no i think just a year ago today yeah

01:15:10.780 because i'm going red rocks next week i was doing red rocks next week you just did it like a year ago

01:15:14.620 i did a year ago i'm doing it again wow so red rocks was the one thing that kind of changed

01:15:19.100 my career to a tad bit i mean you know ticket sales you know what we can move like we're all in that

01:15:24.940 same spot where we can move maybe 5 000 to market it's pretty safe to say 2 000 to market 5 000 to

01:15:31.020 market do a theater um and so and and i was supposed to do red rocks with jim jeffries he had a kid and

01:15:38.780 he had to back out because he was his due date was on the day we were supposed to do the show and they

01:15:43.100 said to me hey man we can try to find another headliner you can do it by yourself now we know

01:15:49.260 i say me and you and i could be really wrong about what you're i think you you may be outselling me

01:15:53.340 but like but like 10 000 tickets in the market is a lot that's an arena act and and i'm not an

01:15:57.980 arena i wasn't at the time an arena act but i took i liked the challenge like i liked the idea that no

01:16:06.300 one thought i could do it and i liked the challenge and i went and and i knew there was i knew there was no

01:16:11.580 foul if i didn't because i was already supposed to do with jim so i knew that it was like a get

01:16:15.100 out of jail free card i could take a swing right and tug the tiger's tail and see if i can knock

01:16:19.420 him out or and blame it on jim and his kid yeah but yeah but if i fail i go oh i'm supposed to do

01:16:23.820 with jim but i'm glad he had a kid i'm glad he's happy and so i took the challenge and i challenged

01:16:28.460 myself to sell red rocks i did a lot of promo videos uh i had a soft announce because i was in

01:16:33.020 serbia doing the movie my social media numbers were slowed down because of the way all those countries

01:16:38.780 look at the eastern block and so they just i i was getting like 25 000 views on anything i put up

01:16:45.900 i couldn't and so i had a soft announce for red rocks but when i got back to the states i just hit

01:16:51.820 it hard and i got promo video after promo video i didn't stop thinking i didn't stop working and i

01:16:56.540 went into surgery to get surgery on my elbow from hurting it ripping my tendons off in the movie i went

01:17:01.740 into surgery and i said i'm going to use this everyone counts this is my way my brain wouldn't just shut

01:17:06.220 off and i said everyone counts backwards when they go to sleep not me i'm going to read a promo

01:17:10.780 date i'm going to be like ladies and gentlemen i'm before red rocks september 13th come see me in the

01:17:16.780 right and so i rolled into surgery the guy was like what music you're gonna listen to i was like

01:17:20.780 ccr baby credence yeah and we went into surgery my arm was numb i dropped the phone one the phone once i

01:17:26.780 threw it up my anesthesiologist is like what are we doing i said i'm doing red rocks september 13th

01:17:32.620 october 13th september 3rd whatever september 13th uh i'm gonna be there the night before jimmy

01:17:37.580 buffett i'll be at jimmy buffett he's like you're going to jimmy buffett i go you want to go and he

01:17:40.460 goes i'd love i'd love to go and he's like all right you're gonna feel this and all of a sudden i'm

01:17:43.980 like and i dropped the phone on my chest and i went into surgery but and then i sold out red rocks i sold

01:17:48.460 out red rocks and i said it to my team i want that challenge all the fucking time put me in venues i put me in

01:17:55.500 venues give me the opportunity i i i i had a change of of a change of perception after red rocks because

01:18:02.940 i hung out and went to jimmy buffett and we hung out in red rocks that's us at red rocks last year

01:18:08.700 and what was amazing theo is do you remember though you'd hear those comics that would be like

01:18:14.620 don't ask me when i'm gonna come to north carolina i was just in north carolina and they'd blame the

01:18:20.300 fans and i was like why are you blaming the fans it's your fault they don't know you're the reason

01:18:25.500 they didn't come to your show they you didn't tell them you it's the onus is on us as the performer

01:18:30.460 to let our fans know that we're coming there so that because they want it they want it i like

01:18:35.020 i have friends in tampa who are in love with you they want to see you it's your job to let them know

01:18:41.900 and by the way that's where we come in you post it and i go oh shit my friends in tampa want to know

01:18:45.940 that's why we're you know rogan set up this great workaround of us helping each other out

01:18:49.900 and and letting our friends know oh shit dio's coming out uh samurel has a great special on netflix it's not

01:18:55.880 it's our job to help bump up sam shang wang special on you on oh yeah it's coming out it's

01:19:00.920 awesome when your special came out i must have tweeted about it or texted about it or put it on

01:19:05.240 instagram three or four times because we all watched it we were in austin and we were fucking laughing

01:19:09.160 hysterically and that's that's the job of our community lift each other up but it's our job when

01:19:13.560 i went to when i went to denver and evergreen and all around morrison not one person that was in that

01:19:21.480 city said what are you doing here everyone said oh i tried to get tickets to show i couldn't come

01:19:26.760 hey how was the show burt hey i was at the show it was amazing not one person we went and looked at

01:19:31.480 boulder colorado for my daughter to go to university colorado yeah all the kids on the campus how was the

01:19:37.800 show at red rocks burt shit the ticket i couldn't get the tickets it was too late burt it sold out before

01:19:41.960 i could get tickets that's what you want and so i thought okay so if we're talking about promotion i

01:19:46.840 get promoting once is one thing promote your tour that's great but i'm gonna go into every market

01:19:52.520 where there's an available seat and i will hammer those markets until they sell out or until they start

01:19:57.960 pulling curtains back and and i and then and then i got and then i they said uh i said i want to do this

01:20:03.000 thing fully loaded i want to set up with 10 comics i want to get three tour buses i want to do outdoor

01:20:09.160 venues i want to do arenas i want to do baseball stadiums i want to do all this and they were like

01:20:13.000 these are these are big tickets these are 12 000 15 000 you know venues and i was like don't worry

01:20:18.600 i got this and i challenged myself i said i'm gonna challenge myself and i and i didn't ask any

01:20:24.200 they were all great every comic that was on was amazing they helped repost they helped talk about

01:20:27.480 it they helped sell tickets thank god nicky glazer chelsea then mark norman shane gillis dave

01:20:32.600 dave attell big j okerson uh fortune themester dustin nickerson taylor tomlinson i i'm

01:20:38.920 leaving they all retweeted they all reposted they all did special posts but i said it's on me

01:20:43.640 it's my tour i created this festival i will fucking and i've got a editor in the back of

01:20:48.600 my bus i had another editor and i put out content daily and and you watched those people just going

01:20:54.360 oh it's just commercials it's just commercials and and uh we set record attendance in in a ton of

01:21:01.080 places now it's a cheat code because you know technically a baseball stadium can't sit people on

01:21:05.720 the infield right so we said record attendance but but you know whatever so yeah but but but i

01:21:11.720 i looked at uh i and i and so that that challenge when i did red rocks first time it changed the way

01:21:17.400 i work so i went i want to i want i want to prove it to myself i want to i want to go bigger i want to

01:21:22.680 go harder and so i just don't shut my brain off for stand-up and i don't shut my brain off for

01:21:26.840 promotion and i don't do a lot of television shows because it shifts the way you look at things

01:21:31.000 i love podcasts and i think i have a list of things i talk about on podcasts i think i love

01:21:36.120 doing a podcast i thought about stuff i wanted to talk to you today about and i and i love that energy

01:21:40.680 of going i get to hang out with with a guy who everyone that's watching right now everyone that

01:21:45.560 would love to sit down with for an hour and a half everyone watching would love that opportunity

01:21:52.600 and by the way i'm a fan also i watch you all the time so i'm excited so literally it's like if you said

01:22:00.440 to anyone what do you want to talk to theo about you're like i know what i want to talk about and

01:22:03.560 i write it on a list on my phone i go to do rogan i write on a list it's fun getting the opportunity

01:22:07.960 to do rogan yeah that's enjoyable yeah it's crazy it's like getting to surf with pro surfers

01:22:13.000 yeah i mean i even wrote today and you he looks you on me he makes you look amazing yeah you know

01:22:17.400 and so so i think i'm very blessed i don't look at any of it as work i just go like yeah man i'll

01:22:23.000 fucking push it till the wheels come off and no they'll come off they'll come off there'll be a time

01:22:27.240 where i'm not i don't know man i don't know maybe i'll just die look i died in a plane crash

01:22:31.720 they never came off i just died i'll be a fucking legend you died in a plane crash yeah tour bus

01:22:37.240 accident not as much i think so i think that plane crash people respect that 25 000 feet you went

01:22:43.720 through yeah you know and then wondering what he was doing the whole time on the way down i'll tell you

01:22:48.280 what standing up drinking jack daniels going fuck it if it's your time to go it's your time to go and

01:22:56.360 i'm cranking up free bird leonard skinnerd if i leave here tomorrow some people would chime in

01:23:04.280 dude and i'm hoping i'm hoping that that coward buckled into the back yeah tells that story man

01:23:09.160 he went down as ronnie van zandt went down like that step fucking free bird the plane's going down

01:23:14.280 and he just ronnie put your seatbelt on stands up bottle of jack if it's your time to go it's your time

01:23:20.840 to go now in hindsight if he wore a seatbelt he probably survived but but that's yeah i mean

01:23:25.800 yeah definitely because i think everyone lived but him but but uh do you uh haven't done uh i know

01:23:33.160 you did your movie um do you think because bobby and i just got offered a television show right

01:23:39.640 and so it's like what is the reality the time commitment and everything is huge though yeah i would

01:23:46.680 do i would do another movie i would i like that time commitment i like that i have like a couple

01:23:54.520 projects lined up i would do another movie i really enjoy that process i have to be a producer on the

01:23:59.160 movie and a creative part i can't just i can't be an actor yeah like i can't just sit hire me and i

01:24:04.920 need to be a part of the team that helps make the thing make make it good make it funny yeah yeah i like

01:24:10.120 that um i like giving notes to other actors too uh like i really enjoy that i like the process of making

01:24:15.560 something that's really cool um i would do a scripted single camera um and that's it a scripted

01:24:23.160 single camera television show i'd do a multi-cam like a sitcom i think i'd really i'll tell you

01:24:28.200 this and this i'm putting this out there i'll sell out and do like a legit cheesy kind of bad multi-cam

01:24:34.520 if you give me like 15 years i'd do it in a heartbeat if they committed to 15 years you mean if they

01:24:39.560 could by the way all they got oh you mean 15 years from now like if you tell me like if you tell me

01:24:43.400 like i could get i'm using bad examples but like if you tell me i can get a um like a just a regular

01:24:49.240 sitcom where it's like uh a bird has a cow or whatever it's called you know and and then every

01:24:55.240 i have like a cow that i talked to and i he like sticks his head into the kitchen window it was like

01:24:58.920 hey bird yeah and i'm like what's up mr cow he's like you're gonna have a rough day today yeah i was

01:25:03.800 like really and he's like i think you should talk to your wife she was up cleaning the dishes last night

01:25:09.320 really upset and i was like you're the only one that i'm the only one that can hear you right

01:25:12.920 he's like that's right i'll be in the backyard and then my wife comes in she's like how you

01:25:16.920 doing i go i'm just helping with these dishes oh yeah secret cow yeah like that would be a i did

01:25:23.000 that show called having a cow or something like that yeah yeah yeah don't have a cow oh that's it

01:25:28.760 don't have a cow and then i got a cow that maybe no one sees and it's in india too when they're like

01:25:33.880 the cows are god oh and all my oh dude i'm so attracted to indian women oh yeah and so i have

01:25:39.160 an indian wife indian children i live in india hello hey hey husband husband yeah yeah yeah yeah

01:25:48.440 yeah that'd be great you want some spice yeah oh i love indian food too wrinkled in your

01:25:54.520 fucking mouth huh but i'm the only one that can see the cow i'd do that by the way if you're a

01:25:58.760 screenwriter and you want to write that up i'll i'll do that it's to come in a heartbeat you'll do yeah

01:26:03.480 i mean it would just i i mean i can't imagine what the second season would be but i think the

01:26:07.800 first season would be fucking good you know i go vegan oh yeah i go vegan and the cow and the cow's

01:26:14.840 like this is what i'm talking about yeah uh did you like do you like do you like acting we i just did

01:26:21.880 a part in a movie with bobby and it was fun man it was nice because i knew the amount of time commitment

01:26:27.960 okay that's where i get fucked up that was a big thing like like i'd gotten all to do that

01:26:33.400 movie with chris pratt a couple years ago where he gave me a part and that it was i got there and

01:26:37.080 got to read the script and i saw i didn't have a lot of and it was 12 weeks i was like i can't do it

01:26:41.640 just it was too much for me to commit to okay this was only 12 days okay so i was like oh i can handle

01:26:49.480 this you know how do you feel this is i'm i'm i'm probably outing myself as like as as not a team

01:26:58.280 player but how do you feel when like a pa goes just go to your trailer i'll get you in when we

01:27:02.600 need you does that bother you oh i like going into that trailer oh i can't stand it i want to be on

01:27:07.720 set really and i go i'll just be on set and they're like actually we can't have you on set and i go

01:27:11.400 actually i'll hire on the fucking call sheet than you are actually i'm gonna do whatever the fuck i

01:27:15.480 want actually i busted my ass for fucking 25 years to get to this point and you have just have an older

01:27:20.760 brother who got you this job and you don't even know what the fuck you want to do sometimes i feel like

01:27:24.840 like that oh yeah i think well that's the problem with going to do acting is you have to be under

01:27:29.960 somebody else's like jurisdiction and their thoughts and feelings and then it's their words and it's like

01:27:36.600 like this movie this this movie i did was just it was a friend of mine who had written it he knew me

01:27:40.920 and it was like if i couldn't communicate with him as clearly as i wanted to if there was any like

01:27:46.120 he really expressed like a real like ownership i would invite i couldn't do that wait did you meet chris

01:27:51.080 pratt yeah i met chris pratt what's he like oh it's super nice i think that's what jesus would

01:27:55.960 have looked like nice and clean oh yeah right he looked clean man i bet he smells good i didn't

01:28:02.920 really smell him a party with his ex-wife once really yeah i didn't smell him but he was really

01:28:08.760 nice really affable and uh i felt kind of bad about leaving because it was such a neat opportunity what

01:28:15.160 was the movie you're asking it was called tomorrow land tomorrow war oh that's just is that been out

01:28:21.240 it's been out yeah it came out during the pandemic well i was what's tough about you in my opinion is

01:28:26.680 i'm sure people try to write for you and put you into something and then go i got theo's voice but

01:28:31.240 your voice is so authentic and so kind of kind of comedically swaggered in in in any attempt to write

01:28:41.080 for you is just is almost like a parody of you if that makes sense like if you try to write for

01:28:47.560 mitch hedberg you'd be like you'd be like hey man i'm high as fuck yeah you're like well that's not

01:28:53.880 mitch hedberg that mitch never talked about like you know right he just was who he was yeah and so

01:28:59.800 like it's it's it's hard to write for your perspective that's why i think it would be tough

01:29:03.560 to like write for you but that's why it makes sense that what you enjoy is collaborating and being like

01:29:08.840 i'm gonna put i'm gonna put my spin on it yeah me and spade is for wrote a movie together

01:29:13.160 david spade so yeah i gotta call did i tell you i had a dream about him yeah you told me about that

01:29:16.840 yeah call so maybe uh so that's been exciting to me because it's thinking like oh well i already

01:29:21.480 know what's gonna happen is it called spade in manhattan oh it's called um it's about being busboys

01:29:30.200 oh for real yeah it's about adult male busboys david spade's one of the coolest motherfuckers he's

01:29:36.600 funny he is like you know man that generation of snl guys how were they so much funnier than what is

01:29:44.760 all like how was like kevin neil and like oh how were they why is there such a different level

01:29:52.040 of their like improbability do you feel like i i was thinking of that today i was you know i was thinking

01:29:59.320 i wonder if david spade ever looked at me and goes wow my best friend was the biggest influence on this

01:30:05.960 guy like this guy loved like i loved farley farley gave up farley showed us a way to be funny when you

01:30:13.640 didn't know how to be funny you didn't know how to be comfortable with yourself he just showed you that

01:30:17.640 being large being it being being being vulnerable this like he really honestly like i wonder how

01:30:24.760 often he goes into a comedy club and goes well this guy was a big my best friend was a big influence on

01:30:29.640 this guy my other best friend was a big influence on this guy i mean how much of us like you look at

01:30:33.720 shane gillis you go huge influence on shane gillis is norm mcdonald right norm mcdonald's a big

01:30:39.160 influence on all of us one of spades best i mean like spades and he's so cool you know when i i

01:30:45.240 fucked up this interview with adam sandler really bad i don't know if you ever saw it

01:30:49.960 it was bad not as bad as that greg luganus when you did

01:30:54.280 nope

01:30:56.280 which is pretty cool dude here found me out bro that shit was

01:30:59.800 fucking pretty good you made me laugh the hardest that day in your tribute to amelia earhart

01:31:04.360 that's the hardest i ever laughed well that chick gets all this clout that

01:31:07.480 bitch went missing

01:31:08.360 you know what i'm saying bro she didn't even do her job

01:31:12.200 what's what i'm just saying it's like going to a restaurant and you're like this is the best

01:31:15.800 chef ever and then it's the 11 o'clock he goes the meal coming like he left

01:31:19.800 oh

01:31:24.360 if that was a dude no one would talk about i wouldn't say a word

01:31:28.280 oh that was a dude no one would talk about him

01:31:32.040 wouldn't say a word man yeah he didn't land it yeah he didn't land it oh yeah ronnie

01:31:36.920 fucked up that's all they would say ronnie fucked up but they let her they just you know

01:31:44.200 it's that title nine thing man oh that's title nine oh god dude um no i fucked up that sandler

01:31:52.760 interview so bad what happened had you met him no okay i've never met him i never met him and

01:31:59.080 and i'm obviously adam sandler adam sandler david spade norm mcdonald chris rock chris farley

01:32:06.360 that generation is their thumbprints forever on me like chris rock stand up bring the pain

01:32:12.600 yeah he's my favorite it's the it's it is the thing i watched where i said i want to do that

01:32:19.080 like that i don't i'll never do that but that's what i strive for that that strutty had on stage

01:32:26.280 i mean everything was like a bullet like jaw and it was so jarring of so amazing and then

01:32:33.160 sandler the way happy he developed all these great movies that just spoke the price is wrong

01:32:39.080 bitch yeah you can do it like all these like just a way to take like your inside jokes with your

01:32:44.520 friends and make them inside jokes with the world and then you know spade was such spade norm dennis

01:32:51.000 miller a little older but like kevin nealon all these guys they were just so so influential on my

01:32:55.720 sensibility so whitney hit me up and said hey you know it's a pandemic she's like yo we're doing a

01:33:00.520 inner i'm doing an interview with adam sandler uh you want to come by my house and and if you want she's

01:33:06.440 like i i would love some help interviewing sandler you know such a fucking star so if you could just

01:33:10.600 come and we'll figure something out for a podcast no no no for uh oh for vogue or how many gives

01:33:14.920 back we were raising money for comics that needed money for the pandemic so i go over to whitney's

01:33:19.000 backyard i kind of around in the backyard i'm i'm messing around i'm on i'm on youtube i'm yeah

01:33:23.400 i'm doing whatever the you know just to make it fun make it interactive and then she goes to

01:33:28.040 interview sandler she said come on in we're gonna interview sandler and i i got my heart was racing

01:33:32.600 and i got and then he just pops up on the screen he's like hey and whitney's like adam i'm here

01:33:39.000 with burt kreiser and he's like okay and i went full fucking moron full dolphin full full

01:33:48.280 full baby walrus like just like and i talked for about 10 minutes i don't think he said a word and i

01:33:57.800 just said everything wrong you talked for 10 minutes i said do you have netflix and whitney's

01:34:03.400 like huh and adam's like i'm sure in his head he was like well i just i i ran what it was do you

01:34:08.840 have netflix um uh i can't wait to see your new movie precious gems that's not the name of it um

01:34:13.800 i just showed my daughters and i sat and watched happy madison that's the name of his production

01:34:17.640 company not the movie we watched um hey you want to hear a cool story about when i was in college

01:34:21.400 and he's like huh and i was like when i was 22 years old i got voted by the number one party animal

01:34:24.760 in the country you ever told in that whole story theo i did all of it i did all of it sorry man

01:34:29.080 i just i vomited i vomited and theo i thought it went well i was like nailed it that's alcoholist

01:34:35.960 left whitney's going ka-ching you need the closer bring in the closer you adam sandler's probably going

01:34:42.360 who the fuck is this burt kreiser guy sign him to a deal covert get kreiser on the line this guy's hot

01:34:49.880 we need him first person to call me was uh first person to call me was uh big j okerson and he goes

01:34:57.240 he goes hey man just letting you know we're going to trash you and i went huh he's like we're on the

01:35:02.680 zoom next and and we are crying laughing and i go oh what and he goes that sandler interview i go good

01:35:07.800 hon he goes good he goes you asked him if he had netflix i go do why do you do you think he doesn't

01:35:13.720 and he goes burt he has a 300 million dollar deal at netflix he definitely has netflix i went

01:35:19.160 huh he's like you called his movie precious gems i go that's not the name he goes no it's uncut

01:35:23.320 gems so he's like you named the movie happy madison it's happy gilmore billy madison burt

01:35:28.680 we are going you didn't let him talk it's the biggest movie star in the world and you didn't

01:35:32.120 let him talk and i went i just started going like it was that bad and he goes i'm we're going online

01:35:35.800 right now we're gonna trash you and hung up and i went huh and then my my buddy my buddy mike um

01:35:40.680 eps no no nope uh does podcast with greg lugane mike valentine no anyway uh mike mike god damn it

01:35:49.320 he's he does the podcast with martin does a podcast with greg fitzsimmons they do sunday papers

01:35:54.440 uh oh mike uh vecchione no anyway he calls me and he goes that fucking sandler interviews epic like i

01:36:02.120 told him i go have you seen my new special my sessil just dropped it's called uh it's called hey big

01:36:06.040 boy you asked sailor that dude dude i was i was out of control i was out of control

01:36:10.600 stone sober stone sober out of control so this is why spade's a cool dude right

01:36:16.040 unprovoked i get a you know spade sometimes voice text oh yeah and he's like uh chryser

01:36:23.480 fucking sandler interviews epic and i'm like i'm in bed going the next day going i'm gonna i'm gonna

01:36:28.840 have a drink today this is the worst day of my life yeah this is his annex day and he goes hey man

01:36:33.240 i talked to sandler he just watched your special he loved it dude he loved you you're the best we all

01:36:39.400 love you don't sweat it and i was like and like by the way didn't need to do that right didn't need

01:36:44.360 to do that didn't need to leave that message didn't need to let me know hey don't worry about

01:36:47.800 it you didn't fuck it up that bad and then i signed a deal with the happy madison to do a movie wow yeah

01:36:51.640 so like everything worked out great like went to have happy madison uh pitched a movie i think

01:36:57.240 yeah yeah yeah and then uh signed up to do a movie so everything's like everything worked out

01:37:02.040 fine but like man i that interviews you can find it online yeah i can't wait to watch that when i

01:37:07.560 get home i might even watch it in the car dude yeah i'll tell you this uh the um i went to uh spade

01:37:15.800 i ran out of gas the other day i was going over space right he brought me gas really he's a nice guy

01:37:22.280 yeah he's a really nice guy how much money do you think he has he's got a big heart um

01:37:27.000 um i'll say a name tell me if he has more than or less than that name okay okay bernie shop

01:37:36.520 more than um rosie o'donnell

01:37:43.000 less than because she went pretty cool she was like on the okay beto o'rourke

01:37:49.000 better or more than more than uh hunter biden

01:38:01.320 probably a little uh of his own money yeah spade yeah um i don't know what do you think those guys

01:38:08.600 i mean i don't know i think spades got 25 million dollars that's what i was gonna say he's had he's

01:38:13.880 had a number of very successful movies yeah he's on sitcoms oh i bet he's got way more he was on

01:38:20.680 sitcoms forever he did at one he did um don't shoot me yeah no i think that's dude i'll tell you this

01:38:27.800 story so i went with owen benjamin right okay to he took me to a happy madison party right i've never

01:38:36.280 been before and this is when vaping uh marijuana had just come out yeah people were vaping it you

01:38:42.680 know and i i thought it was a cigarette i hadn't seen the vaping marijuana i had just seen the vaping

01:38:47.560 cigarettes so i'm out there smoking with somebody out front um i think it was like dave becky or

01:38:52.760 somebody had like a vaping cigarette i don't even remember i couldn't tell you what dave becky looks

01:38:56.440 like i couldn't i could probably draw him for you but i i actually i'm not even that good at drawing

01:39:00.680 i know dave becky so well like i know that name i know that i know who he is but i've never seen him

01:39:06.040 in person that's louis ck that's dave becky that's dave becky it might not be that i think i've met

01:39:15.240 that guy i might be talking about the wrong guy okay keep going so anyway i take a hit off this

01:39:19.720 cigarette i didn't know it was weed so i go into the party and i start meeting people from

01:39:25.320 the adam sandler movies oh and bro i didn't know that i had smoked weed and i hadn't really

01:39:32.600 i'd probably been in hollywood maybe three years maybe yeah so i start meeting these people dude and

01:39:37.640 i start losing my fucking mind and i start thinking i can't handle meeting famous people oh for real

01:39:45.320 like i can't the more people i meet the weirder i feel i can't even be in this city like this is my

01:39:52.280 first time meeting famous people because it is it is hard you got to learn how to meet them and the

01:39:57.800 weed was hitting me i didn't know it was weed yeah so i'm feeling high i just didn't realize it really

01:40:02.680 so i'm feeling like uh fucked up and i'm like oh man when i meet famous people i'm i just i feel

01:40:10.520 fucked up i can't i can't live like this in this city but if i meet fucking mark walberg i'll

01:40:16.440 fucking take my own life or something you know like i just didn't know how bad it was gonna get

01:40:19.960 i saw mark walberg when i first moved to hollywood walking down sunset boulevard

01:40:24.840 with a white t-shirt over his shoulder like a i want to say like a yankees cap on or something or

01:40:30.120 a boston cap on and jeans just fucking strutting i walked right past him i was like marky mark and

01:40:36.120 he's like nah no way yeah maybe it wasn't him and that's that's why that guy said no but i thought

01:40:41.800 it was him that's when he was changing his whole mystique i think so yeah he had the the crucifix

01:40:46.120 tattooed on his chest and everything i got scared i ended up dancing with sierra once on the dance

01:40:50.200 floor sierra yeah she's a musician really and um and i got nervous and uh i was too stoned and i had to

01:40:58.200 go sit out my car i got nervous i had a meeting at happy madison when i was a kid you know young in

01:41:04.360 this business and i just got nervous being in the building because i was a i thought i might run

01:41:13.240 into adam sandler it was back when i think they were on like the sony lot or something and uh

01:41:19.960 is that i think they were in culver city and i there was like a basketball hoop outside

01:41:23.960 and i thought i was hoping i'd run into nick's i knew nick worked with them so if i saw i was hoping

01:41:28.280 that i'd run in nick nick was like oh burton let me introduce you adam and i'd be like oh cool and

01:41:31.480 then i'd be like what's up adam and he's like oh dude you're fucking hilarious oh by the way i

01:41:35.320 wasn't i didn't especially at the time i wasn't i don't even know if i am now and so i went in and

01:41:39.720 took the meeting with one of his one of his development execs and the guy goes it's a great

01:41:44.360 pitch he goes why do you want adam to do it and i went i just want to make it and he goes can i give

01:41:48.440 you some advice i said yeah and he goes focus on your career i was like what do you mean he's

01:41:52.120 so write the movie for yourself make the movie for yourself you should do it yourself he was if

01:41:55.880 adam was sitting here he'd go it's a great idea you should do it and i go yeah and he goes that's how

01:42:00.200 he did his career you need to focus on your career you need to work on yourself it's a great pitch

01:42:04.200 he's like i'm i mean i guess we we buy it if you're done doing things for yourself but like

01:42:09.960 you're comic like you should do it for yourself i went okay and uh and i and i nothing happened to it

01:42:16.920 i sold it i think i sold it to disney uh with will smith attached well nick cannon was attached but

01:42:22.760 will smith was going to produce would you take a break now and do a television show you're saying you

01:42:27.080 would do one down the line uh i wouldn't take a break i can't so not take us what would you but

01:42:33.000 if you do a tv show you there's it's just the time commitment you have to like you have to scale

01:42:38.040 you know you can't work 12 hours a day i uh yeah i i wouldn't i couldn't she couldn't do it now i have

01:42:45.720 i have uh i have uh uh uh yeah like huge chunks europe australia booked out for next year yeah i

01:42:54.040 have a huge chunk in between that and then a big run at the end and uh yeah i couldn't do it i you

01:43:01.160 know i i've also i've often thought to stop doing specials um because that that process of doing

01:43:07.880 specials can be a tad bit overwhelming because i'm a little bit obsessive about putting out a good

01:43:12.280 special yeah and i mean i watch everyone special watch everyone special for two reasons i want to

01:43:16.360 see if they have if i'm stepping on anyone's material and i and i like to see how people do

01:43:21.800 things you know i'll i'm gonna pay you a compliment i hope you're cool with this but like you you i

01:43:27.240 learned a lot watching your special and i learned what i don't do sometimes is what you're so brilliant

01:43:32.600 at and i'll never be as good as you but i can work harder on what i don't do and what i don't do is

01:43:38.200 i don't really tell you the characters sometimes i just start telling the story hoping you know

01:43:41.880 the characters you set up you paint a picture of a character or a scenario you're about to hear

01:43:48.040 so brilliantly so brilliantly that i literally i remember being on the

01:43:52.120 fucking road driving a two bears one cave in a in a escalade with my whole team and i was like

01:43:56.920 listen to what he fucking does like i'm playing it back going this is like this is like there's no

01:44:01.880 one better than you at you can set up you can set up a story so brilliantly where i go i want

01:44:10.360 to hear that my problem is i just start telling the story sometimes i go i need to work on like

01:44:15.240 creating the characters being in the moment being slower you know because i i think because i tell

01:44:19.800 sometimes you know 13 minute stories i just start going let's go let's go let's go thanks for the

01:44:25.720 thanks for the compliment man it's really sweet of you i'm envious of the way that you i feel like

01:44:30.920 i have to catch up to you sometimes and it's that's more fun i feel like i feel like your style

01:44:37.080 is so much more fun it's like here i am in the middle of the fucking action like with me it's like

01:44:41.960 i feel like you have to go to boot camp you need to shine your shoes you have to go to bed and get up

01:44:45.960 early with you i feel like i fucking open my eyes and i am on normandy fucking beach dude and who knows

01:44:54.280 what is gonna happen that's the best compliment i've ever gotten right there in the shit that's a great

01:45:00.040 compliment you always seem very present man and that's one thing that i really admire i think

01:45:03.960 that's why i take my shirt off is so that i remind myself that it's supposed to be fun

01:45:08.040 like that's why i did it the first time would you ever go fully nude do you think yeah i would

01:45:12.120 have you thought about it no no yeah yeah i have there's a show that's fully nude anything in new

01:45:17.000 york and uh i would definitely do it i have no problem being naked i don't even have a good dick

01:45:21.720 would you wash up first or not uh i'd probably trim up i wouldn't trim up i don't know what i'd do

01:45:26.680 i wouldn't wash up would you wax your butt uh-uh i wouldn't see oh they would see my butt in my

01:45:33.000 current oh they would unless you walk up the stage backwards like that you could do that on the stage

01:45:37.640 and walk out like a hostage i've had hair on my butt dude so i like if i was with a chick i would

01:45:41.800 always walk out backwards out of the room yeah oh i don't have hair on my butt cheek not a bunch but

01:45:46.120 like almost like this but without the little prongs yeah i have hair on my a lot of hair on my asshole

01:45:50.920 oh yeah and so um i wonder if you can see it my ass is starting to look like a sad like

01:45:57.000 it used i have a great i take that back it's looking better i think because i've been running

01:45:59.880 a lot it looks better when i was gaining weight my ass looks sad like i got a i did a video of me

01:46:06.120 naked and it just didn't look right and i went oh i was getting old man ass and now i'm back

01:46:11.240 running and lifting and doing deadlifts i think my ass is back yeah i took a video of my ass in hawaii

01:46:17.400 and it looked good looked really good how nice is hawaii oh it's the best place in the world

01:46:23.320 ah you know what i did i'll tell you it is a i don't really share this a lot of people because

01:46:27.880 it's it does sound a little little braggadocio you think no no no no no not at all not at all

01:46:33.560 i even feel bad saying i go to hawaii oh i feel bad that people have never been to hawaii i actually

01:46:39.880 said to my i said to my wife who stayed at turtle bay it was fucking gorgeous yeah and i said you know

01:46:46.520 what i'm bummed i have experience i've i've i've a lot of had a lot of great experiences in life one

01:46:52.200 of my favorite experiences is taking my daughters to hawaii take them into the ocean letting them get

01:46:56.680 snorkels and go a little deeper than they're comfortable watching them get scared and as their

01:47:01.320 dad taking care of them i love hawaii it's the greatest place on the planet it's set up that aloha

01:47:07.080 energy is like hello but it's also like get the fuck out like and so that's the whole if they and by

01:47:13.320 the way their whole economy is set up so that you have the greatest time you've ever had so that you

01:47:18.840 tell your friends that's it's like it's amazing it's amazing shaved ice there's nothing better to

01:47:23.720 put in your mouth yeah and so i bet if you put condensed milk on a dick i'd love sucking dick so

01:47:29.800 and you iced it up you have to get a cold dick and then so that yeah yeah oh i ain't sucking no warm

01:47:34.280 dick that is it's either hot dick or cold dick but lukewarm so uh so i set a goal i'm done some

01:47:44.520 braggadocious what i'm saying is i i'm it's very vulnerable okay so i was 265 no i've never maybe

01:47:50.680 i've said this i don't know if i said it did you feel fat at that weight i've no i love that i didn't

01:47:57.240 even notice i was fat i did like it just i catch a picture i'd be like whoa or like i had a hard time

01:48:02.200 we had a new couch and i had a hard time like getting up like it would just like this would be

01:48:07.640 like you're not going anywhere yeah it was like a big brother sitting on your chest going fuck off

01:48:12.120 and so uh so i i've wanted to surf i've wanted to surf i surfed as a little bit as a kid but like

01:48:19.640 as an adult i thought this would be a cool thing to be able to do to be able to get a surfboard go to

01:48:23.640 the beach and and burn and for two hours just burn like a thousand calories of fun of fun yeah paddling

01:48:30.600 and and just it would be fun and i was like and to glide on the wave i've only done it a few times

01:48:35.960 but that feeling of gliding on top of the ocean with just the ocean pushing it's very it's a lot

01:48:41.400 like riding horseback yeah so i said at 265 we tried a couple times to get surf lessons and i could not

01:48:48.040 i couldn't physically get from laying on my stomach to all my feet in enough time that i needed to get

01:48:54.040 up on the board and so i said i made a a goal when we took time off i said i'm going to lose weight

01:49:03.160 i'm gonna lose enough weight so that i can go to hawaii so i booked the trip to hawaii for me my

01:49:07.160 daughter my assistant my cameraman and my sister those two because we were all flying we had to go

01:49:12.840 straight to tour so i booked a trip for all five of us at turtle bay i went to turtle bay because jamie

01:49:17.560 o'brien has a surf school i follow jamie o'brien on youtube i i know the guy's legit i know that

01:49:23.320 he makes surfing fun and i kind of knew and i hit up like a couple guys like nathan florence and i was

01:49:28.440 like yeah that surf school is pretty good yeah it's good break it's easy break and those guys are

01:49:33.080 fucking awesome you're gonna have a blast wow so i didn't i didn't hit up jamie i didn't tell him

01:49:37.160 like yo i'm coming to your surf i wanted to pay for it because i wanted to i i wanted to do it right

01:49:41.800 i wanted to pay for it so that i could do it so that so that if i if i needed more time i i didn't

01:49:47.640 feel rushed so i bought surf school set lessons on the first two days we were there for two hours for

01:49:53.880 me my sister my my daughter my cameraman and my assistant no cameras just all we're going to do

01:49:59.000 is learn how to surf and for two months every day i did a few exercises i did this rev balance board to

01:50:05.400 try to get work on my balance but more importantly i would do planks for a minute and i would do pop-ups

01:50:11.720 like burpee pop-ups yeah to try to get to the place where i could get my fat fucking piece of

01:50:16.280 shit body off the ground like just literally i would every morning just do like 10 pop-ups

01:50:21.800 and just try to get up we're getting your knees up to your stomach that's the tough it's like the

01:50:25.560 tough part and i got it i had to lose weight to get that get to that level get that carriage on you

01:50:29.800 yeah so i got down to 245 which is you know very nice 20 pounds less very nice and i was and i was in

01:50:37.000 good i'm in i'm in really good shape right now but i was maybe two weeks ago so i was in really good

01:50:40.840 shape going in i hadn't drank in like 12 days or something but then not for any reason just because

01:50:45.800 like so i went to mark norman's bachelor party and i was like i need a fucking break and so um

01:50:51.240 and so i went into hawaii and that first day i first way they pushed me into a fucking bust ass

01:50:58.360 and then i sat in the water like this is not going to be my trip yeah i was like i will i as as much as

01:51:05.080 like a little boy in a 49 year old man's body i said let's focus let's take our time we're gonna

01:51:11.000 get this so i went back my uh my surf instructor uh uh i fuck his name up it's i-k-i-a no it's i-k-i-i-k-i-k-i-k-i-k-i-k-a

01:51:24.040 a is how you say he said kaika he said hey man take a time that's german isn't it no it's very hawaiian

01:51:31.560 oh it is yeah yeah you're thinking ikea i don't know what i was thinking the sweetest oh yeah and

01:51:38.760 so he goes hey man uh arch for a little bit longer and take your time so he pushes me into

01:51:45.000 a big wave and i arch and i take a breath i'm moving now and then i just very slowly goes my knees

01:51:54.040 slide my feet around stood up and i was fucking surfing and i'm telling you i've had very few

01:51:59.260 like moments of like accomplishment and it sounds crazy to say because i feel like i've done a lot

01:52:04.440 but like where you go hey man i fucking busted my ass in the gym for two months i did the work

01:52:09.960 so that i could do this and i'm doing it and i fucking surf that wave all the way to that next

01:52:14.940 buoy and i i turn around my daughter's cheering for me my sister's cheering for me i i kika is

01:52:21.700 like that's right you did it you did it and i surfed for two days four hours the waves got

01:52:26.280 shitty after that but four hours i had of just being in the water surfing and i loved it so much

01:52:31.300 now granted if i want to go surfing in la i need a kika to come out here and push me into waves and

01:52:35.500 coach me and be like arch arch arch on your knees on your knees front foot back foot bend down your

01:52:41.820 fucking nose god damn it like i need him like i'm not that good yeah but i had a fucking blast and i

01:52:47.400 and i and and uh and it was it was something i wanted to do i wanted to i wanted to do it i

01:52:53.620 want it it's like you know wait rogan you watch him take up these hobbies he sucked at archery when

01:52:57.520 he started i'm sure but he was like i want to be a archer so you need that moment of vulnerability

01:53:02.540 i'm not saying i'm gonna be a surfer but like you need that moment of vulnerability

01:53:06.180 right where you're saying i'm not gonna be yeah i'm gonna you need to crawl and it's so when you

01:53:10.100 when you're at a place in your life where you don't need to crawl a lot you go i can just go do

01:53:14.380 the road i'll do this i'll do podcasts i'll do i don't i'll go ride a bike i'll go to the gym i

01:53:18.260 don't need to crawl in front of people it's embarrassing too being fat in the water having

01:53:23.560 a guy 20 years younger than you'd be like looking at you so you big animals coming by and everybody

01:53:29.640 yeah and so uh so i went surfing hawaii it was fucking awesome fuck it's really great yeah there's

01:53:35.020 something magical about it man um yeah if me and bobby do a tv show we talked about maybe trying to

01:53:39.640 shoot it in hawaii if you need a guest star some fat guy who fails a lot i'll do it just it's a big

01:53:47.020 time commitment you know that's the thing i mean it's a blessing to have the opportunity oh doing

01:53:50.700 with bobby would be fun doing with bobby living in hawaii i had bobby i bobby in uh on my first

01:53:55.460 episode of something's burning yeah oh yeah that's right it just came out just came out today i did

01:53:59.460 one with andrew santino back then we made tacos by the way that's that's when i met really met

01:54:03.840 andrew santino for the first time yeah i never really knew andrew i knew of him and stuff but i never

01:54:08.380 really hung out with him he's fucking interesting man he seems like he's living a great fucking life

01:54:12.420 yeah he loves acting yeah every he's in everything he's a great fucking actor great comic but every

01:54:17.260 time you see him he's like on the back of a boat with a fucking celebrity or playing golf with a

01:54:21.520 fucking celebrity or like doing like cool fun active shit and he's in good shape he drinks but he's not

01:54:27.620 like he drinks like a regular person because he'll get loose but then he's like i got shit to do

01:54:32.220 he stays active man yeah he stays real active for a redhead too i know they're not supposed to be

01:54:37.280 active well you know they stopped doing their sperm at the sperm banks a while back no quit

01:54:41.300 collecting redheaded semen are you serious oh if i was andrew santino i'd get a wig yeah

01:54:47.980 fake mustache and just fucking do it for you do it for your race yeah do it for your people red

01:54:55.480 october too it's all october go to sperm banks and just bust oh it comes out pink you know that

01:55:01.480 redhead oh i don't even tell me comes out pink yeah well that one dude but i think he was sick

01:55:06.420 oh dude um i wonder what's gonna happen with tiger belly if bobby's gonna be because if they

01:55:12.360 split up i think they're split up but they're still co-hosts of the same podcast i wonder if

01:55:17.700 that's gonna get strange or not i think about that sometimes i'm gonna tell you what i'd do

01:55:25.020 burn it to the ground burn it to the ground ah bad friends 100 bad friends 100 bad friends i'd be

01:55:35.280 fucking i i'm not as i'm i'm pretty shallow if i was in that situation i was if i i don't know i

01:55:41.920 would be very i wouldn't be fun to work with really i would not i'd be drinking all the time

01:55:46.820 if you were the spouse you mean if leanne and i had a podcast like i do leanne's podcast every now

01:55:51.680 then but if leanne and i had a podcast and and uh i don't know i don't know all the things that

01:55:57.800 people know i don't know everything i don't know what yeah i don't know what i know what i know what

01:56:02.580 i know and so i don't want to say too much because i don't know what everyone knows but i know what i

01:56:07.240 know and i i know that if i was in that situation of like of splitting up and uh yeah could you still

01:56:13.680 work together i and and and i i'm i don't know what everyone knows but like it seems in my opinion

01:56:19.520 i don't know if bobby didn't want to be with her if she didn't want to be with bobby but regardless

01:56:23.260 if i was in bobby's situation and that was leanne i'd be like i i i would not be as and i and i love

01:56:31.100 klyla she's awesome but i i just i know if i was bobby i wouldn't be the funnest dude to be around

01:56:36.400 yeah i'd be every episode would be about how my feelings every episode would be about my feelings

01:56:42.260 yeah but how i feel oh this is my house how this is my well that's i just want it's going to be

01:56:47.740 interesting but maybe that could be cool for people it could be like a real soap opera it could

01:56:51.980 be it could be but i don't think it's good for bobby's mental health yeah that's crazy kalilah's

01:56:56.860 mental health yeah that's what i wonder it's like what how does something it's like when you split

01:57:01.760 up how do you stay working together some people do it it's very do it you got to be a bigger man than

01:57:06.320 me and i'm just not that big of a man i'm very i'm very sensitive uh i'm very uh i'm very vindictive

01:57:14.840 like meaning like when when it comes to feelings so you know like there's oh yeah there's moms in

01:57:21.440 our friend circle that i'll never give a second chance to yeah they fucking hurt my daughter and

01:57:28.500 i or say shit about my wife that i'll there's dads i'll never give a second chance to they don't know

01:57:35.160 it i do it behind their back because i'm fucking i'm hateful wow like it doesn't happen in the biz i

01:57:41.080 mean sure i'm sure it's happened in the business usually people hate me like i don't hate people

01:57:45.360 like i have a couple people that hate my guts and you just gotta go all right whatever i don't care

01:57:49.560 but like i i don't i'm not the best at like i'm not the best at like navigating those moments kind

01:57:56.580 of like if something gets kind of very emotional like tom will tom could tell anyone right now and

01:58:01.780 we've said it on two bears uh i get my feelings hurt very easily over very stupid stuff the dumbest

01:58:07.480 stuff in the world my feelings will get hurt and tom knows it and like there's certain things like

01:58:13.480 the dumbest things to go like if we have a dinner party like where i sit sometimes can hurt my feelings

01:58:19.980 wow and so and so and and i and i like if they sit you at an end or something or they don't sit like

01:58:25.940 say like say say like uh you and brendan have a dinner party right you bring chicks

01:58:30.820 and uh and and then you have all these guys here and they bring chicks and you invite me and leanne

01:58:36.880 i expect to sit near you guys right like and so if all of a sudden everyone's and it could be a real

01:58:41.940 accident like every you guys sit in the corner and then these guys all sit around you and then me and

01:58:45.320 at the end i'll i'll become a nightmare like i'll just i'll be like i'll but internally you won't know

01:58:51.880 it at the time but then all of a sudden i'll start like yeah i'll be like so why do you work with

01:58:56.180 this fucking guy with the beard and you're like what i'm like i don't know man it's got glasses on

01:59:00.680 do you want a guy with glasses that can't see the screen like that i mean fuck what you know like and

01:59:05.180 and it'll show up it'll rear its head it's it it 100 happened within with the dove it 100 happened

01:59:12.220 with the dove and tom witnessed it happen and it was little things said to me the wrong way i would

01:59:18.900 take very personally and uh and yeah it's like a i think we're so we're such trapped kids as

01:59:25.700 comedians you know i have to get past it and i have to learn like i have to literally go

01:59:29.920 like it everyone that listens to two bears knows that it happened with the dove it happened when we

01:59:35.800 first started working together

01:59:37.040 i i did not feel like i was a partner in the situation internally because of weird things like

01:59:49.320 not in the dog would say that he was oblivious to right but i would read wrong like and

01:59:55.520 and and or or maybe he'd say something and and it would come up with too much energy and i'd be

01:59:59.380 like who the fuck do you like and i and tom saw it very early and he was like hey man i know you

02:00:03.900 you it's not it's not what you think but i was i was already there i was already in the fucking i was

02:00:09.140 running the fucking well of blood just fucking pouring it on me let me climb out let me climb

02:00:14.320 out i'll savagely kill everyone yeah so so i wouldn't do well suck off an aorta bro i would

02:00:20.860 not do well on that wow so but whenever you get in those moments and you have these films are you

02:00:24.860 able to like start the conversation when somebody say this is kind of what's going on or do you get

02:00:28.560 stuck in this in that boiling i get stuck in the boiling yeah i guess sometimes sometimes i'm stuck in

02:00:33.320 the boiling right now over one person really yeah in the boiling in the podcast universe

02:00:38.500 uh not really i mean kind of but not really i mean no no i mean yes

02:00:43.820 it's a woman

02:00:48.140 how did you guess it's so quick

02:00:53.440 i just knew it

02:00:55.240 and so so so yeah i have to i have to uh learn i'll talk to leanne about it i'm in therapy

02:01:02.420 um better help shout out to better help yeah totally dude uh that's good use promo code burning

02:01:09.080 the uh the but i have to i have to work through it i've had it bad and you're able to call them

02:01:15.080 and talk to them about it or no i tried i yeah yeah yeah yeah some people yeah some people i had

02:01:20.280 an issue with one dude and uh and i texted him and we texted back and forth and i didn't actually

02:01:25.180 have an issue with the dude the dude had an issue with me and i was like i want to end this i want

02:01:29.120 to i want to get past this there's some people i have i've written off like i've and i don't think

02:01:32.560 of them like i just wrote them off and i was like that's that's that was a big thing my wife taught

02:01:37.020 me is that some people are just dead to you you just got to go oh you're dead to me i i can't be

02:01:40.400 your friend the thing you do is a little toxic and it fucks me up and i just need to stop right it's

02:01:44.800 just not the best relationship it's not the best relationship for me and i don't want it for me

02:01:48.120 yeah and then there's people you want to have a relationship with that and that's the ones we're

02:01:51.960 talking about where you want to have a relationship with but they hurt you and then and because

02:01:55.460 you're hurt you i end up just laying in bed and ruminating it's called is it ruminating or it's

02:02:01.340 where you repeat the thought over and over and over again of how you have the conversation there's

02:02:05.240 been there's been uh moms that moms that there's been parents that have gave my kid alcohol like

02:02:10.920 that i just to this day burn it to the fucking ground when i found that i was like what the fuck

02:02:16.200 like you know because there's cool parents we're like you guys can drink at my house yeah that's insane

02:02:20.680 thank you leads to molestation leads to people getting pregnant kids fucking outside thank you

02:02:28.860 that and because i'm the guy that drinks on stage with his shirt off and parties and i thought you'd

02:02:36.640 be cool with it are you out of your fucking mind hey i also fuck my wife i don't want you fucking my

02:02:41.160 kid like the fuck yeah yeah i remember i got a blow job one time behind like a real small tree right

02:02:48.180 this girl invited me behind a small tree and we're young and pretty dumb and we got busted man really

02:02:54.040 yeah and it was like just because there's no way to really hide behind it you know wait how old were

02:02:59.240 you probably 13 14 you know wow that's how early you get a blow job at a party what it was so dumb

02:03:09.580 it literally the tree was like this wide and we're like you know doing a blow you know getting a blow

02:03:16.420 job done and the parents showed up and and that's what happens when kids drink at houses man yeah oh

02:03:25.200 yeah i mean yeah drink when you drink in your your crotch comes out like that's what like the first

02:03:29.960 that's the point that's the point of drinking yeah it's like it's like i'm not drinking to fucking

02:03:36.020 learn more about you know yeah my my daughter's not drinking my daughter's not drinking because

02:03:40.600 she has ticket sales and in alaska she needs to move she's not drinking because her numbers are

02:03:44.960 low in lubbock they're fucking she's drinking because she wants they want to party they want

02:03:49.340 to fucking fucking suck a duck yeah fucking they're not fuck she's not drinking because her wife wants

02:03:54.760 to buy another house they're good to fucking are they's that is that okay that's double i'm like

02:04:01.760 that's your name stroke right above my name that's double print that's like oh yeah

02:04:05.540 um yeah so and so like i do i'll ruminate over stuff like that but i've gotten better therapy

02:04:10.720 really helps because you gotta let you go oh yeah man it's hard and especially you gotta realize

02:04:16.560 other people are just living their lives a lot of times they don't even know what they're doing

02:04:19.480 like it's old wounds that we attach to like new things that happen man oh it's been i've been down

02:04:26.340 that road yeah we've all been there um yeah it's it's uh i feel i feel like uh like i said to my

02:04:33.780 wife i i i said to my wife very vocally a few months ago i was like i need to like double up on therapy

02:04:39.680 she's like what's going on and i was like i don't know i think i'm i think i'm starting a midlife

02:04:44.340 like i like the feelings of turning 50 um like is it fear like what do you mean um no i just started

02:04:51.760 realizing certain things i started realizing like actualizing certain things going like

02:04:56.860 shit man like you know tim dylan said something very very uh insightful to me i i was having a rough

02:05:07.700 day and uh and i think no i think it was a great day but regardless i was talking about you know

02:05:13.060 sometimes that you wake up you think of death that's the first your first thought i'm like that's

02:05:16.160 not cool and uh and you got to fight through it you know and i and tim dylan said you are at the

02:05:22.740 height of your life it will never get better than right now today your kids are in that house

02:05:30.140 everyone's here the whole family's healthy they haven't told you to quit drinking yet

02:05:34.340 you're making the most money you've ever made you're doing the biggest venues i've ever done

02:05:38.320 you got a movie in the can you got movies lined up you are living your life today will never get

02:05:45.280 better in the future so seize today and i went oh and i was like yeah yeah like death freaks me out

02:05:54.440 and so i i gotta try to push through death of like again one day you die it's undeniable one day it

02:05:59.980 goes black for everyone it just goes black that's why that's what leads me to the guest i want to get

02:06:05.720 on my podcast that you were trying to guess okay so you know it's a person of faith i know who it is

02:06:12.340 then if you know it the pope no by the way huge get huge get the pope would be fucking great

02:06:19.940 but he's like a person of faith he's like hey justin bieber you're so fucking close you're so

02:06:26.260 fucking close carl lintz i don't know who that is um it's a pastor judas wait wait hold on what does he

02:06:32.100 do the pastor yeah he's uh oh joel osteen no i don't know the guy's name td jakes the hill song guy

02:06:40.780 carl lintz is that him type in carl lintz hillsong the hillsong pastor it's either carl the guy that

02:06:49.080 the guy that judah i don't know judah smith the guy that switched bieber oh that's uh carl i just

02:06:55.280 texted with carl yesterday no you know him yeah no way you know that dude yeah i love so he's sweet

02:07:01.940 tell me about him because i don't know anything about him all i know is all i know is oh that's what

02:07:06.360 he looks like yeah so i i didn't uh all i know is that he's like got faith right yeah i don't know

02:07:12.680 uh uh wait goth faith got he's got faith yeah he's a believes in god right yeah yeah he believes in god

02:07:18.960 i don't know a super ton about i mean i know carl like i guess i don't know about a ton about his

02:07:24.520 history i know he had um i know i met him and justin came to a show of mine no in new york

02:07:34.440 a while back um and that was the first time that i met both of them um i think maybe i'd met carl

02:07:42.680 before that i don't remember but yeah i always thought i would love to have carl on too i think

02:07:47.860 he's a super neat guy we're supposed to catch up sometime i know he's that's the hard thing about

02:07:51.580 being a man of the cloth is you gotta live you gotta you gotta walk the walk you of the talk you talk

02:07:58.160 right so you can't fuck up a little bit because then because that happened that happened to um

02:08:01.860 that happened to uh to john christ oh yeah he got fucking canceled for drinking vodka out of a

02:08:08.520 water bottle and trying to kiss a girl rollerblade and you're like because but but it makes sense when

02:08:13.200 he tells you what he goes yeah man i was lying to my my fans yeah i was saying i'm one thing i'm

02:08:17.500 really the other thing he also got like a mistletoe tattoo on his belly butt near his belly butt are you

02:08:22.460 fucking serious i'm joking oh but um no carl's a neat guy man yeah i'd love to get to spend time

02:08:31.120 with him that's the guy i was like that's so crazy bro i was just texting with him yesterday that's a

02:08:35.800 guy i like to get on my podcast i want i'm curious about how i was talking to bill maher about this

02:08:42.520 about like i was saying if you could get a surgery and and they would just clip a little little

02:08:48.340 cynics in your brain and immediately tomorrow you believe in god believe in god 100 you'd be like

02:08:54.080 i get it like i get it i get it man i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm not gonna change my life but i get it

02:09:00.400 and there's an afterlife and and i have faith and and i'm it feels good to pray like you go like

02:09:07.520 i'm gonna pray a little bit like every time i pray it's always like hey man don't let this

02:09:10.520 shit happen you know yeah hey man i know that was a lot i didn't mean to take that much like i'm

02:09:15.480 going to sleep please make sure i wake up in the morning stuff shit you know like so i go those

02:09:19.980 are my prayers or i'm getting on a flight hey god don't let me die hey uh i'm getting ready to go

02:09:23.560 on stage for this special god hey just right it's like last minute god it's always like it's always

02:09:27.140 like a fucking god out of jail free you know what it's like it's like uh it's like god from pulp

02:09:30.820 fiction when he calls eric stoltz and god's always like prank caller prank caller and so like i would

02:09:36.040 love to meet a guy like this and pick his brain and see if he can switch my synapse or at least see if i

02:09:42.240 can figure out a couple of cheat codes like hanging out with rogan i don't do all the shit rogan does

02:09:47.040 but i do some of it i saw an ipolar plunge i work out i don't do the fucking uh hyperbaric chambers and

02:09:53.180 the fucking the all the fucking stuff he does to his body i don't do all of it like stem cell i mean i

02:09:58.740 do some stem cell you're shedding my skin yeah six months yeah whatever yeah when he goes and lays in

02:10:03.700 wax and then peels it off yeah him and tom they're hardcore like lance armstrom talked about how to dope

02:10:09.780 their own blood now they dope their own blood in austin that's why they moved there of course

02:10:13.220 because of the blood doping and so dude i'd love clean blood now but i would love to i would love

02:10:17.880 to talk to that guy open-minded like legit open-minded and be like dude like how do you get there like

02:10:23.860 yeah what like and look here's the deal if i i hear he's not the guy that goes well first off you

02:10:30.680 gotta quit drinking yeah like i heard he's like a cool dude who's like it's okay man you seem to be

02:10:35.060 doing good you know like let's figure it out so i heard people's very practical i think if they

02:10:39.820 um i think that well i mean i i've had like i had no faith when i was a kid except for like

02:10:49.100 hypothetical faith of like going to church and things you would hear yeah but then as an adult

02:10:53.640 um i think a relationship with god is just like a relationship it's like you just have to work on it

02:10:59.820 it's like you pray a couple times a day you like start gratitude well i started doing gratitudes

02:11:05.820 you put things in god's hands you like recognize hey this is god's will not my will today like it's

02:11:10.960 it's literally like a relationship it's like a relationship with anyone the more you check in

02:11:14.580 with them and talk with them the bigger the relationship grows so that's all i think it is

02:11:19.420 um and then yeah once you have once you're believing that you're not the one doing everything

02:11:24.480 that god is it takes all the stress off of you do you believe that i do believe that i've

02:11:29.620 had that experience in my life before really and i mean it blew my mind well see then it blew my mind

02:11:34.520 really because oh yeah i was like oh this doesn't that's not and then you're like oh wow this is to

02:11:41.500 be carefree and have your mind just be like a vacant lot where the present moment feels like it's just

02:11:50.400 loitering like instead of all over the place oh i felt i felt a hard time connecting with the present

02:11:56.340 moment at times where i'm thinking about the next thing too much yeah or not even i'm thinking about

02:12:00.240 my brain is thinking about it it's i mean stand-up's kind of defined on that like if you're in the

02:12:04.680 present stand-up you're not thinking about the next thing you're saying you've ever been on stage

02:12:07.880 you're like i don't i can't believe they're laughing and then you're like you're like i'm i'm on to the

02:12:12.100 next joke like i'm already working on the next joke trying to think of how i punch that up yeah

02:12:15.180 and so living in the present is kind of kind of difficult it's tricky well especially in today's world i mean

02:12:21.520 we're constantly getting feedback from the past we're constantly getting just like looking at

02:12:25.720 judging things judging ourselves it's a really it's an interesting time but no i think a guy like

02:12:30.840 carl guy like judah smith those are uh td jakes those is all some pastors that i think could be

02:12:36.260 legit i would like to see joel osteen just as a performer as a performer i would like to see

02:12:41.300 i wanted like i want to like i do that when i go to shows i go to shows i mean look i know people

02:12:48.360 are gonna be like do you enjoy anything burt but like i can't turn off the fact that i'm a stand-up

02:12:52.860 comedian who performs in in in venues right so like i'll go to i did uh i did the greek and and

02:13:01.880 and i looked at the lineups of who they had and and i was like i was like okay like kind of curious

02:13:08.520 of like i like everything everything i do is kind of like an assessment i look at things from a fan

02:13:13.440 like okay i went to the hollywood bowl to get steely dan and so i i thought because we do pre-sale for

02:13:18.220 our tours right and do you ever think to yourself like what the fuck's pre-sale like i don't even

02:13:22.180 get pre-sale like pre-sales like it seems like why don't you just release them on sale everyone's

02:13:26.600 gonna buy them anyway and then i went oh pre-sales for your uber fans because you got to use a promo

02:13:30.920 code and they're up here they won't so i said steely dan's coming to the hollywood bowl they put

02:13:36.180 them on pre-sale i bought them at pre-sale so i can get good seats and i went ah that's what pre-sale

02:13:40.420 is about and then i said how do i communicate this knowledge to people listening right here here's how

02:13:45.520 pre-sale works i ended up buying a whole box at the hollywood bowl i ended up buying two

02:13:51.420 technically but and i filled it and then i had the tickets because it's my night right so if you're

02:13:57.720 i want i want to pitch you listening for a theo von experience right right now you're listening

02:14:04.140 going i don't get it he's gonna release your next door on pre-sale uh promo code will be rat right

02:14:10.540 rat king rat king so when he releases it you'd be the first one 10 a.m at wednesday when those

02:14:15.800 tickets on pre-sale you create your night you want to have because it's your present to yourself

02:14:21.040 you've busted your ass at the office all week you're going to get to treat yourself so buy say

02:14:26.360 buy six tickets right and get it you're going to get great tickets you're going to get them in pre-sale

02:14:29.620 and you get them at the right price point no no one's gotten in there yet these are your tickets

02:14:33.720 they're through the venue you get six tickets and then you send a text out that morning to the six

02:14:39.380 people you want to see that show with and go hey guys i got tickets for theo von got them at a great

02:14:44.520 price point i would love to see the show with you guys and then you get to plan your evening of how

02:14:49.780 your night goes you're going to see your favorite comedian and you're picking your favorite people

02:14:53.120 to see them with that's how it went and so i looked at it like i went steely dan and i went

02:14:56.960 i want i want a box and i was like well the box is only like six people or maybe eight people

02:15:01.660 i got more than that i got two boxes and then i went okay it's a little bit of money but i go i got

02:15:06.120 two boxes and then i started a steely dan chat thread right and i thought who do i want to see

02:15:10.720 this with leanne my buddy tom my buddy sandy my manager judy her husband who i want my trainer

02:15:15.920 lacy to go lacy's roommates uh antonia la pasta one of the best chefs in all of la it's the hollywood

02:15:21.560 bowl we cater it ourselves oh my god antonia i love being with her but she is the best chef in

02:15:26.800 the world so i hit up the group chat hey guys who wants to go to steely dan everyone hit up

02:15:31.580 immediately you i love it i love it i love it i think i've paid for all the tickets i don't i don't know

02:15:34.560 if i did or i didn't i remember i don't i know i wasn't like i need money but whatever so like

02:15:38.420 we and i got to play out the next night so then i go to steely dan and as a performer right i sit

02:15:42.940 in there that day and i go um what am i gonna wear this is crazy right theo this is how crazy my brain

02:15:47.340 is and this is when you say you're a workaholic this is what is wrong with me i thought to myself

02:15:51.680 what do i want to wear to steely dan well i know it's the hollywood bowl i know it's outdoors

02:15:54.840 um it might get cold later oh i hope he's selling sweatshirts right because wouldn't it be cool

02:16:01.760 to show up in what you want to wear but if you get cold you have the opportunity to buy a sweatshirt

02:16:06.140 wool steely wool something something something right and so i was like i was like man i want to

02:16:10.860 text steely dan right now so i did on on instagram i was like y'all don't know if you guys are selling

02:16:14.700 sweatshirts at your show hit me up because i want a sweatshirt and then and then i'm like and then i'm

02:16:18.780 like okay uh i look at beer lines i walk in i look at beer lines i look at parking i look at i look at

02:16:24.240 all that shit as a thing because i go i want to make sure that my fans have the best experience of

02:16:29.780 their life because i want them to go uh that was awesome like that was great top to bottom i got

02:16:36.620 a sweatshirt i got a hat i bought a pair of flip flops like like i sold flip flops these these flip

02:16:40.580 flops fully loaded my own flip flop but then i thought fuck i need i'm technically i'm asking

02:16:45.200 people to show up barefoot and buy my flip flops there and if i don't have their size they're kind

02:16:48.140 of fucked yeah and it's dangerous too to cross a street barefoot or to be in a parking garage it's the

02:16:51.840 truth man so but yeah i i look at i look at uh i can't shut my brain off when it comes to wow to

02:16:58.300 touring i i think of so many aspects about how to make it a better experience but that that pre-sale

02:17:04.400 thing your fans need to know because that's the coolest thing as a fan of someone and you need to

02:17:10.960 remember that as guys as an artist to go like yeah let me get tickets in a group let me bring people

02:17:15.100 that i want to be with let me make it a best it's the best like okay who's your favorite artist

02:17:18.880 uh morgan whalen right yeah morgan whalen is pretty fucking badass right so so um yeah whatever yeah

02:17:24.380 and so uh so if you so uh you get 10 tickets to take your 10 favorite people around the world

02:17:31.940 who would you go with i'd probably take my sister you know because she wants to go now remember so

02:17:38.520 that's your first invite so you're catering it around that because this is your night so you're

02:17:41.740 gonna make sure everyone meshes keep going and she gets bent up too and she'll start dancing like

02:17:46.060 and it's really she's a mother too but she'll literally put her arm on the wall and just shake

02:17:50.120 her ass for like an hour i think i'm gonna like this keep going keep going uh who else i'd probably

02:17:54.740 get my other sister to come and bring maybe her son so that would be good um i'd probably ask um

02:18:03.260 i would maybe ask baker mayfield i saw him we i saw morgan whalen with him before him and his wife

02:18:09.660 so they like morgan whalen so this is a great group already you got family you got friends and you got a

02:18:15.420 celebrity friend yeah and baker had some buddies that are cool that love it too so i just hit up

02:18:20.480 in a text to them i would say bring up bring a couple of your boys the same people from last time

02:18:24.140 fun so now baker feels really comfortable your sisters are excited they're getting to meet baker

02:18:27.900 mayfield their brother's a big celebrity and they got two baker's friends that are regular dudes

02:18:32.740 that are talking to your sisters and being real i love this night keep going tell me there's an

02:18:37.480 invite for me and leanne all right we'll be the last ones leanne would get an invite

02:18:42.800 is she can bring a plus one that's me that's me i'll see a morgan whalen i think it's a good night

02:18:52.240 this is a fuck meeting baker mayfield i'm getting fucked up with your sisters his buddies brought

02:18:57.000 weed i can't fucking wait hey bring the pastor from the hillsong group all right carl's in carl's in

02:19:02.800 with bieber yeah we got bieber carl your sisters baker his boys his chick my chick you we need a girl

02:19:08.420 for you oh that is the biggest question of all who's it gonna be i would say

02:19:15.400 i don't know okay can i soft pit you yeah celebrity invite a girl you've seen from afar who you respect

02:19:24.320 maybe she's an actress maybe she's a singer songwriter and it's a it's a reach out hey this is the text hey

02:19:30.080 me and my buddy burt are taking my sisters his wife my buddy baker mayfield his buddies

02:19:38.420 to go see morgan whalen i would love for you to come as my plus one

02:19:44.300 who is she she's gonna hear this who is she's gonna hear this she's gonna hear this i don't know who she

02:19:52.040 is man okay let's see let's see is it let's okay i'll tell you the ones the ones that are undeniable

02:19:57.900 charlice they're wrong okay uh jennifer aniston

02:20:02.000 okay

02:20:04.380 she's been with too many guys for me okay okay okay i noted um

02:20:11.780 uh who's uh oh how about the girl okay what about the girl from uh ozarks oh yeah she would be cool

02:20:21.440 if you don't like me you're gonna have to fucking kill me and that's how our night ends and that's

02:20:27.260 how our night ends if you want to stop me you're gonna have to fucking kill me that's fire dude yeah

02:20:34.800 that's a fun fucking group she is cute that is and she is a great actress yeah she is how old is she

02:20:40.540 let's make sure she's clearable how old is she we've had issues in our universe okay let's make

02:20:47.480 sure ruth langmore ruth langmore yeah langmore is that a real name oh that sounds like a dateable

02:20:54.380 name as well yeah i like ruth langmore i think would be nice she would be fun she would be by the way

02:21:01.200 and look we can we can get her drunk like say the line again say the line again and we're in a

02:21:06.200 fucking sprinter van baker's got his shirt off and he's like let's fucking go she's like if you

02:21:12.380 want to stop me you're gonna have to fucking kill me your sister's got her hand on the wall

02:21:17.500 this thing's moving really fast leanne's drunk she's playing with my dick in the back

02:21:21.700 this is what i'm talking about let's burp that worm morgan come to la yeah morgan let's go we got

02:21:27.900 the liveest group ever come to see you we're going backstage oh we're gonna and you know him

02:21:32.400 oh we're gonna be back there dude somebody can blow him i'll do it put your nose cream on that dick

02:21:39.040 oh damn bro ice cold dicks yeah bro no warm dicks bro that's someone clipped this out and he's going

02:21:47.040 huh you gotta watch the whole podcast man yeah man i think you're you're missing some man and what's

02:21:52.560 great is we hang we wake up hungover as fuck oh carl lintz comes in he's like hey guys how's

02:21:57.820 everyone feeling we're like a little rough he's like hey why don't we all bring it in yeah let's hold

02:22:03.200 hands yeah and we're like he's like dear lord we had a great night last night lord i want you to look

02:22:11.640 at everyone right now and fill them with your love fill them with your respect your honor and i want

02:22:17.400 you to take them from the place they are and lift them up to where they should be for the rest of the

02:22:21.360 day lord i am carl i got direct communication line with you do what you did for bieber for them

02:22:27.300 and let them have a great day who wants waffles yeah we all go get fucking waffles god waffles dude

02:22:34.920 god waffles i love that man we had quite a time uh can i just say this might be the best podcast i've

02:22:42.880 ever been on this is the funnest time i've had in a long fucking time oh thanks man you're the best

02:22:48.320 you're the best i'm i'm so i love watching you you're so funny you're so fucking talented man and

02:22:54.520 you're just an inspiration for so many of us out there like just to try to step up our level podcasting

02:23:00.320 and to step up our try to step up our level stand up you're so fucking talented buddy i'm so glad to

02:23:04.700 have you as a friend oh thank you dude well you're an inspire you're you're an inspiring guy you bring

02:23:08.600 good energy man and um yeah you just don't you just keep going bro and that's a big part of life man

02:23:13.980 it really is you know sometimes if you don't let the bullshit catch up with you because some of us

02:23:18.800 stop there and wait fucking sit for it yeah you know and that's and it'll meet you there it'll good

02:23:23.720 that's a good analogy you need to treat the way you need to treat the bad shit the way horses treat

02:23:28.560 shit just comes out their ass and they keep walking yeah they keep cruising like that's not my problem

02:23:32.440 i don't know who you're talking about someone else is getting that for me

02:23:35.720 ladies and gentlemen burt chrysler you can check out the uh birdie boy relapse tour yep

02:23:43.120 we're hitting uh alaska uh december 15th uh going all through texas all through lafayette

02:23:49.680 you're near your hometown oh there you go yeah i'm in vancouver victoria this weekend if you're

02:23:55.180 when does this come out um that comes out next week next week next week next week this week uh

02:24:02.000 red rock sold out cajun dome in lafayette corpus christi love it wow yeah so uh got a bunch of dates

02:24:08.360 and like i said alaska and secret time i'll be in uh europe dude i'm so proud of you and amazed and uh

02:24:14.720 i love the idea of betting on yourself betting up that moment where you're like you know what i'm

02:24:18.680 gonna do red rock and now you're doing it again doing it again it sold out quicker i'll do it again

02:24:22.760 next year too i love it red rock's one of the coolest places i've ever performed in my life look

02:24:27.660 sebastian has madison square garden that makes sense that that's his mecca yeah you know um uh

02:24:33.420 i for me red rocks is like it's like we're staying the next night to watch wilco wilco is

02:24:40.280 one of my favorite bands in the world i can't wait to go to wilco with shane gillis mark normand

02:24:46.380 my wife i got i did the same thing i did for damn i'm fired up dude i got a whole i got a whole

02:24:52.060 set of cabins like 12 cabins for everyone on a river in evergreen colorado i got everyone cabins

02:24:58.960 i got us all coming in sprinter vans there sprinter vans to our show ivs in the morning

02:25:04.440 sprinter vans back big party next morning ivs sprinter van to wilco everyone merches it out

02:25:11.220 we're gonna meet jeff tweede hopefully hopefully i can talk to jeff tweede the same way i talked to

02:25:15.020 you about pre-sale because i think jeff tweede's leaving some money on the floor anyway but uh but

02:25:20.020 yeah i can't wait man it's it's the fucking best it's and i'm bringing my trainer we're gonna work

02:25:23.460 out hard every morning i can't fucking wait and then we fly out we fly out from uh red rocks

02:25:28.700 private to lafayette to do the cajun dome i'm fucking pumped dude this is what i man i'm just

02:25:34.860 i love i love it you're living your dream i mean you're you're not only you're living you're choosing

02:25:39.300 to live here you're like i'm gonna not only be here alive in my dream but i'm going to live

02:25:44.540 my dream yeah and that's uh that's another way of thinking man thank you for having me yeah thank you

02:25:49.360 now i'm just floating on the breeze and i feel i'm falling like these leaves i must be cornerstone

02:25:59.640 oh but when i reach that ground i'll share this peace of mind i found i can feel it in my bones

02:26:10.520 ladies and gentlemen i'm jonathan kite and welcome to kite club a podcast where i'll be sharing thoughts

02:26:21.500 on things like current events stand-up stories and seven ways to pleasure your partner the answer

02:26:27.500 may shock you sometimes i'll interview my friends sometimes i won't and as always i'll be joined by

02:26:34.040 the voices in my head you have three new voice messages a lot of people are talking about kite club

02:26:41.080 i've been talking about kite club for so long longer than anybody else so great hi swia easy deal

02:26:49.360 anyone who doesn't listen to kite club is a dodgy bloody wanker jermaine

02:26:54.560 i'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a mcflurry sorry sir but our ice cream machine is

02:27:00.420 broken oh no i think tom hanks just butt dialed me anyway first rule of kite club is tell everyone

02:27:08.940 about kite club second rule of kite club is tell everyone about kite club third rule like and subscribe

02:27:15.920 wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on youtube yeah and yes don't worry my brad pitt impression

02:27:22.280 will get better

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - September 13, 2022

E408 Bert Kreischer

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