This Past Weekend with Theo Von

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00:01:38.600 That's it.

00:01:39.300 I mean, summer is, it's a wrap on summer.

00:01:43.620 That's, that's done.

00:01:45.060 That's done.

00:01:45.900 You can't, you still see some people.

00:01:48.980 I was on the interstate the other day and when they had some family driving to the beach and I just, you know, in the backseat you could see the kid with like a little sand pail and, you know,

00:02:02.840 when he had like a little bucket or a little, you know, you just saw the hope and possibility in his eyes and then you just realized, damn, man, his family taking him to the cold beach.

00:02:18.380 And that's definitely, you know, when I was young, we, we had to do the cold beach, you know, because it's certainly, you know, rich people don't realize when they leave the beach.

00:02:30.600 That there's that, you know, that other tier of humanity that rolls into the beach, baby, when that bitch is cold because it's cheap.

00:02:42.580 You get your hotel room, $19 in there, $31 all you can sleep.

00:02:52.080 They get you in that, but yeah, everybody's in that bitch.

00:02:55.360 You have seven, 12, damn 19 children in there.

00:03:00.600 In a two bed, in a deluxe or something, two bed deluxe or something, one sink.

00:03:07.040 I don't know how they divide it up nowadays or whatever, you know, free ice and all of that.

00:03:14.560 You have the beach.

00:03:17.080 And I remember, man, we'd go down to the cold beach and, you know, and mom tries to act like it's hot, like it's going to be, it's fine.

00:03:24.220 And it's warm and nobody's out there except other poor, just people don't even know how to use the beach, you know.

00:03:34.080 People don't even know what's going on.

00:03:36.500 People, some guy out there eating sunscreen with a spoon, just people just, you know, that shan't be, that shan't be even at the beach.

00:03:46.680 And they out there, people, just poor people just building sand apartments.

00:03:55.280 You see that with the, and the kids will make like a sand cop car.

00:04:02.460 And then they'll have a sand father getting put into the cop car he'll make.

00:04:07.520 Like, damn, bro.

00:04:08.580 So you see a lot of, when, you know, when poor people hit the beach, it's a little bit different.

00:04:17.720 You know, a lot more people come out there with attack dogs.

00:04:20.640 You'll see, you know, somebody out there with a big attack, with a Rottweiler.

00:04:26.800 And that, he's out there, you know, catching crabs and shit.

00:04:31.240 He's out there, you know.

00:04:33.700 He'll, them Rottweilers are powerful too.

00:04:35.740 They'll run right, they'll run half, you know, into the waves and come out with a, just a damn sturgeon in their mouth.

00:04:45.800 You know, you send a dang, uh, what are those dogs, uh, Zach, that kill people every year?

00:04:54.360 Pit bulls?

00:04:55.100 Yeah, you'll see somebody out there have a pit bull run out into the water.

00:04:58.960 He'll come back with four Frisbees and a damn mackerel.

00:05:02.820 And a couple of, and his hair corn road.

00:05:05.280 You see that shit, you know.

00:05:08.880 That's when poor people hit the beach.

00:05:10.580 That's when it's cold.

00:05:13.080 And people don't realize that.

00:05:14.680 There's no sun out there.

00:05:17.940 It's mostly just crabs and, uh, a lot of jellyfish.

00:05:24.080 You know, a lot of high fructose jellyfish too.

00:05:30.200 And they out there.

00:05:32.620 But people forget that, what it's like.

00:05:36.100 Yeah, nothing like a, um, a cold, a trip to the cold beach.

00:05:41.520 My mother would take us over there to Biloxi, Mississippi.

00:05:45.560 And I don't even know if this beach was incorporated.

00:05:50.360 It might have still been barely an LLC, if that.

00:05:54.880 I mean, it would, they had like, a lot of the, the water by the edge had like this froth on it.

00:06:01.340 It looked like, um, it looked like, uh, there'd been some like, um, I don't know if like vomiting or if maybe like fish had been vomiting over there.

00:06:15.280 It just like, they had a, I can't even explain it, man.

00:06:19.000 The edge of the water where it hit the shore had like, um, a lot of foam.

00:06:25.520 It looked like a top of a beer.

00:06:27.320 That's what it looked like.

00:06:29.560 It looked like a lot of the water was probably had beer in it.

00:06:33.680 And if you, if you grew up along the coast, especially the Gulf of Mexico.

00:06:37.000 And I think even some, I think, I think it happens in a lot of places where the B, it gets a little.

00:06:42.840 You know, you're like, damn, this water looks sick.

00:06:48.940 The water looks like it's not doing well.

00:06:51.420 Like you should, you know, put a blanket on or something.

00:06:55.000 I mean, I don't know how you would even do that, but it's like the, it just.

00:06:58.480 So anyway, we went to the damn poor beach and I, you know, and the vendors there, they, they, they, you know, the warm weather was over.

00:07:05.940 So you'd go to the hot dog stand or whatever, and they'd be selling just gum.

00:07:09.520 And you're like, gum, fuck.

00:07:12.840 You know, you get you nine pieces of gum.

00:07:15.360 The guy would sometimes shape the gums into like a wiener and put three other gums on the side, make a little frank, you know, a little bread, a little, like, damn, this shit.

00:07:26.540 Take you eight hours to eat that bitch because, you know, gum, it kind of fights back a little bit when you try to eat it.

00:07:31.860 If you're just chewing gum, it'll work with you.

00:07:35.440 But if you, if you really try to eat it, it'll, it'll want it, you know, gum don't want all that.

00:07:43.480 You know, you know, when you swallow gum that you are not supposed to.

00:07:48.760 Gum is, you know, it's halfway to plastic, man.

00:07:52.360 Um, but anyway, yeah, it's fall time.

00:07:58.960 It's what, you know, this is where we are.

00:08:00.920 This is what's going on.

00:08:01.760 I want to thank everybody who came out recently.

00:08:03.740 Uh, we went and did some shows out there, Wichita, uh, Omaha and Denver.

00:08:12.600 It was, it was wonderful, man.

00:08:14.380 Wichita, you know, it's a real, there's not a lot going on in the city.

00:08:20.180 So when you see people during the, it almost feels like during the day, it's like, uh,

00:08:27.140 it has a very kind of like war torn vibe.

00:08:30.140 You know, it's not a lot of people running around.

00:08:31.740 You know, it's almost like if you see someone, you ask them, you know, you know, if everything's

00:08:38.580 okay or if they need water, it's like, you know, it has that kind of, you know, you, you

00:08:44.260 don't, and if you see somebody, you almost hug them.

00:08:46.580 Cause you don't know if you're going to see nobody again.

00:08:50.680 Um, but then the shows at night, people flock in.

00:08:54.960 And so I think it's more, I don't know what it is.

00:08:58.880 I don't know if maybe people were just working out in the yard, like in the, what's the yard

00:09:05.680 of a city called like the suburbs or whatever, like the surrounding, whatever, maybe if you

00:09:11.740 were working out there and then they came through.

00:09:14.360 Um, but that was great.

00:09:15.720 Uh, Omaha.

00:09:17.040 Yeah.

00:09:17.500 The Omaha, the venue there was, it was in like a dang orchestra place.

00:09:22.520 And, uh, I didn't know that.

00:09:24.560 Um, and so that wasn't really the best choice for a comedy venue.

00:09:29.900 Uh, so that was real, real, you know, that was, uh, felt a little ramshackle in that sense.

00:09:36.840 Like even right when we pulled up, they had people rolling out with like symphony instruments

00:09:40.800 and, you know, somebody with a big, you know, a big, uh, harp.

00:09:48.320 Some dude with a damn harp.

00:09:49.740 It was like, damn, this dude got a damn harp over here, you know?

00:09:55.460 And so, you know, he's probably fucking, um, but, uh, but yeah, that was, you know, there

00:10:03.800 was just a lot of symphony play.

00:10:06.760 It was just, it was more built for a symphony.

00:10:08.580 So it was, it was just interesting to do comedy in that room.

00:10:11.480 And then we went over to Denver.

00:10:14.220 That was, that was awesome.

00:10:16.040 Um, so, but yeah, everybody that came out, man, thank you guys so much.

00:10:21.060 And, and we actually have some new dates to announce.

00:10:23.380 We're going to come back to Colorado.

00:10:25.460 Um, and that will be January 12th, 13th, 14th, and 15th.

00:10:31.560 Uh, those shows will be in Grand Junction, uh, Pueblo, Pueblo, uh, Denver and Fort Collin.

00:10:40.400 Um, so you guys can come check all of those out.

00:10:44.980 Uh, we'll also have shows March 2nd and March 3rd.

00:10:48.880 Uh, and those will be in Medford, Massachusetts and Boston, Massachusetts at the Chevalier Theater

00:10:56.740 and the Wilbur Theater.

00:10:59.360 Artist pre-sale starts Wednesday, October 19th at 10 a.m. with the code RATKING.

00:11:05.460 And the General On Sale starts Friday, October 21st at 10 a.m.

00:11:11.420 Local.

00:11:12.120 Those times are your local time.

00:11:14.140 Get your tickets, theovon.com slash tour.

00:11:17.580 So excited to be rolling back to some of those places, man.

00:11:20.800 Um, we also did some shows in Lexington.

00:11:25.360 And man, we got to go out to, we went out to a horse farm.

00:11:28.180 We met a fella, this fella, Dylan, I think his name, seemed like a, he was kind of like

00:11:36.120 a, um, just a man.

00:11:40.500 You know, when you saw him, you seemed like a, he seemed like a man you might ask directions

00:11:44.280 from.

00:11:44.720 Looked like he had directions.

00:11:46.120 You know what I'm saying?

00:11:46.780 Like a reliable source.

00:11:48.980 Uh, well anyway, so he took us out.

00:11:54.240 We met him at a show and then he took us out to a horse farm and we got to ride on a horse.

00:11:59.620 And if you've never been on a horse, man, that bitch is a real, it's a, I mean, it reminds

00:12:07.680 me of when I first had a power steering vehicle.

00:12:10.480 You know, my, my dad used to let me drive his Cutlass.

00:12:15.340 He had a Cutlass and I would drive that bitch and, uh, it probably weighed maybe, I don't

00:12:21.620 know how much a car weighs, 3,000 pounds or something.

00:12:24.740 How much does a car weigh, Zach?

00:12:25.980 Can you pull that up?

00:12:30.940 And, uh, I mean, I, and that thing, it had power steering.

00:12:34.760 I don't know.

00:12:35.720 It didn't have that much power, but I mean, it was hard to steer.

00:12:39.200 It was almost like steering a boat.

00:12:41.160 It was, I mean, in fact, it was horrible.

00:12:42.880 And I remember one time he went into the post office and I hit a couple of car.

00:12:46.900 I took it for a quick spin around the block cause my dad was real old.

00:12:50.620 So when he went into the post office, it'd take him, you know, 12, 18 minutes to get there

00:12:55.080 and back, you know, cause he had that slow stride on him.

00:12:59.520 I mean, my dad just walked so slow.

00:13:01.300 He had that age in him.

00:13:03.080 You know, he had all the years inside of him every year you could, he was just a damn fucking

00:13:08.620 stack of calendars with lungs and heart.

00:13:12.500 And he would get out the car to go walk somewhere that you'd have all the time.

00:13:15.920 You could do whatever you wanted.

00:13:17.800 You had all the time in the world.

00:13:21.560 I mean, you had half a, you know, it took forever for him to come back.

00:13:25.220 So I remember he'd pull up at the post office.

00:13:28.860 He'd be like, I'm going to run inside.

00:13:32.160 And I knew that he meant walk.

00:13:36.180 And, uh, so he'd get up out the seating and I'd get in the driver's seat and take that

00:13:41.260 bitch for a lap.

00:13:42.960 That brown cutlass.

00:13:45.220 And it had some burn marks on the back.

00:13:47.000 Somebody tried to steal.

00:13:48.140 My dad had a bunch of M&Ms and different things and stuff that he gave away.

00:13:56.720 Cause he, he used to sign people up for credit cards at colleges and stuff.

00:14:00.720 And, and he was an alcoholic, but he, he had a trunk full of M&Ms one time and, and they

00:14:09.120 had a couple of people try to get in there and steal them and try to burn their way in.

00:14:13.620 Um, which was just dumb, you know, I think to, you know, to try and just use regular fire

00:14:21.940 to get through a trunk is just retarded, I think.

00:14:24.740 And no offense if anybody's retarded, bro.

00:14:28.020 Um, but anyway, what was I talking about?

00:14:31.260 Zach?

00:14:31.760 Yeah.

00:14:31.960 I looked up the average weight of a car.

00:14:33.360 It's around 3000, 4000 pounds, but a cutlass was very heavy.

00:14:36.180 So I bet it's more close to the 4000.

00:14:38.000 Yeah.

00:14:38.240 That bitch was heavy, man.

00:14:39.340 But my dad would get up and go walking, man.

00:14:41.480 He, it, it, dude, he would walk, it take a, a bird would land on him.

00:14:45.960 Not even, they thought he was, you know, stationary.

00:14:48.560 He'd be that just dang.

00:14:50.720 I mean, just barely going, you know, you'd see him come.

00:14:55.420 He was just, it looked like he, they'd come and build a fountain around, like a, build a

00:15:00.560 water thing and people start throwing pennies in.

00:15:02.680 He just, then they'd be like, oh damn, this guy's moving.

00:15:05.800 You know, this is not, sorry, my bad, sir.

00:15:08.180 And, uh, but he was just so slow, man.

00:15:12.280 My dad was so slow and, so anyway, he'd go in the bank or the post office, wherever, and

00:15:17.420 I'd get in that cutlass, that driver's seat, and I'd take that bitch for a spin.

00:15:21.540 And one time I took it around the block and I hit a couple parked cars with that bastard.

00:15:26.240 Pop, pop, pop.

00:15:27.420 And, uh, damn, I hit them matches, Doug, and I prayed for those people afterwards and, you

00:15:35.900 know, so I did my part, but, uh, so anyway, back to the horses.

00:15:41.300 So, yeah, this thing, man, being on a horse is really, it's not for, it's not for me, I

00:15:48.580 don't think.

00:15:49.720 You know, we went out, it's just that thing, you don't know what's going to happen.

00:15:53.820 Like, it's like, it has a bunch of gears, but you don't have, you don't know them.

00:15:59.280 That's the thing.

00:16:01.760 It's like riding in a car, it's like, there's no, like, you have to like, like, that's one

00:16:10.260 of the things, it's a lot of secret code, and that thing, man, it was hard, and you're

00:16:14.760 just bouncing up and down, and you're like, dude, the whole time, like, after like the

00:16:19.140 fifth or sixth bounce, you're like, damn, dude, I think I'm gay, bro.

00:16:22.980 It's like, it just, I don't know what the long-term goal is, you know, I bet if you

00:16:29.660 met jockeys when they first started, a male jockey, and then you met him again six, seven

00:16:35.680 years later, bro, I bet he knows a few more men, you know what I'm saying, bro?

00:16:41.660 I'm saying animal-induced homosexuality, baby.

00:16:45.300 It's happening.

00:16:46.100 But that was amazing, we had a great time, we went out to Keeneland, and Keeneland, if

00:16:53.940 you hadn't been there, I thought it was a hospital, you know, they said we're going to Keeneland,

00:16:57.780 and I was like, oh, man, you know, I'll get some flowers or whatever, but, but it's a, you

00:17:06.000 know, it's where all the horses go to race or whatever, and them bitches, they're out there,

00:17:11.060 bro, they, you know, some of them roll up, and, and I'm going to say this, man, I mean,

00:17:17.960 this is happening in a lot of sports now, like, we, they're not even any white horses

00:17:22.960 left in the shit.

00:17:24.020 I mean, I don't win, I don't know if a white, a white horse has even won a bell, uh, whatever

00:17:35.400 it's called, a bell mine or whatever, I'm just saying, like, we gotta, we gotta, if we're

00:17:41.120 gonna do it, we gotta do it, you know, if people are doing, like, if you need equality in this

00:17:46.040 sport, you need equality in this sport, you know, we need a title nine or title 11, you

00:17:52.140 know, white horses, because they ain't even got a gray motherfucker out there winning.

00:17:57.020 Has a white horse ever won the, uh.

00:17:59.940 I'm looking up Kentucky Derby winners right now.

00:18:02.200 Yeah.

00:18:02.300 So far, last four, all brown.

00:18:04.680 Yeah.

00:18:05.900 And I'm saying, you get out there, and you can tell that it's a real, you know, it's a

00:18:10.980 brown boys game out there.

00:18:13.720 So, I'd love to see a little bit more diversity out there.

00:18:16.440 I'd like to see a little, uh, a little, um, Asian horse out there.

00:18:23.580 Little, you know.

00:18:25.520 Oh, I'm a horse, you know, or whatever, however they would do it.

00:18:29.600 Uh, pull up Asian horse, what do they got?

00:18:34.400 We actually found a golden horse, which is from Turkmenistan.

00:18:38.000 Yeah, dude.

00:18:40.300 That's black, that sounds pretty.

00:18:41.900 Yeah, that, oh, wow, that thing.

00:18:46.260 God.

00:18:47.840 Does that thing have an OnlyFans?

00:18:49.240 That thing's fine, bro.

00:18:51.920 My God.

00:18:55.460 Oh, my God, bro.

00:18:57.740 It's kind of crazy.

00:18:59.700 I mean, if that thing came by.

00:19:02.720 And look, I've, I've long said this about animal sex.

00:19:05.700 If you have, if you have sex or intimate with a, with a house animal or with a basic animal,

00:19:13.940 sheep, um, wool or whatever, you know, what else is there?

00:19:21.020 Sheep, cow, uh, goat.

00:19:24.920 If you have sex with one of those animals, dude, that's, that's nothing.

00:19:29.560 Anybody could do that, and that's probably a crime.

00:19:32.020 But if you mount this, this thing, or one of these, if you mount something majestic or, you know, a bear, uh, lynx, uh, minks, um, then that, that's a, that's not the same thing.

00:19:49.320 You're not going to jail.

00:19:51.340 If I'm a cop or the officer or I'm the mayor or whatever, you're not going to jail.

00:19:54.680 You know, somebody comes in, you're hanging out the bottom of one of these fucking, I mean, you're hanging out the bottom of a damn mountain lion, bro.

00:20:03.700 You're going to get a high five from me.

00:20:06.720 Now, if you try to knock it up, dude, you're going to jail.

00:20:10.280 You know what I'm saying?

00:20:10.820 That's dirty science, bro.

00:20:12.660 That's damn spanking Stein, dog.

00:20:14.580 You're trying to make something nasty in your apartment.

00:20:16.620 But, yeah, if you're just doing this, man, you win, bro.

00:20:20.640 If, I think if you, if you bang something majestic and you caught it on natural terms, I don't see, that's, in my world, that's no crime, man.

00:20:31.020 That's heroic.

00:20:31.740 But, yeah, we went out to Keeneland, man.

00:20:37.420 That was really great.

00:20:38.320 Lexington, unreal city.

00:20:42.460 Just a perfect small, small, small city.

00:20:46.060 Large town.

00:20:48.660 But Denver is unreal.

00:20:51.320 Wichita, Omaha, all nice.

00:20:53.740 All nice places to be.

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00:23:00.240 Minimum age and eligibility restrictions apply.

00:23:02.560 See show notes for details.

00:23:05.180 Dude, I was thinking about this about animals and humans, all right?

00:23:08.600 I think humans, I got this theory that like animals, because animals are on four legs, right?

00:23:18.760 They're on four legs.

00:23:20.400 So their earth, they're like really connected with nature, you know?

00:23:25.440 Humans are kind of the only species that isn't super connected with nature.

00:23:31.180 You know, we are, but we're also kind of not.

00:23:34.180 And one of the things that I was thinking about was, because animals, they're on the earth, right?

00:23:41.500 Their hands touch the earth and their legs, right?

00:23:46.220 And so the earth, kind of like it makes a circuit through their body.

00:23:51.580 So, you know, they're, they're, they, you know, they have a completed circuit with the earth.

00:23:56.820 And so it's like everything that the earth is, all the nature that's inside of the earth and the elements of nature, that goes right through the animal, through its whatever legs or feet or arms and comes out, you know, it's just part of the circle, part of the cycle.

00:24:12.780 And then humans, we're standing up.

00:24:17.820 So we're kind of like this loose cable where it's like, you got the energy, like the connection from the earth comes in, but then it starts rattling because it's not getting out.

00:24:27.820 You know, and I think that's one of like, I don't know if that's like, if that made us develop, like some of the way that we think, because we have all this weird and like this energy that doesn't have like an outlet.

00:24:43.240 Um, and I don't even know if this kind of makes sense, but I was, part of me was then thinking, what if the energy that doesn't, because usually if like you're part of nature, then, you know, the energy just comes up and goes out you, right?

00:24:59.600 You're, you're that connected loop with your, cause you're four legged, but if you're two legged, then the energy is just going to come in and not be able to get out.

00:25:10.560 So then I wonder if maybe that's one of the reasons why we started thinking about having like gods and stuff like that, because before, if the energy went right back into the earth and if we just knew we were part of the same source, you know, we knew it was all connected, but if not, if it just, the energy just kind of rattles in this cul-de-sac, then it's, I could see it start to manifest ideas of like, like gods.

00:25:40.560 Or higher powers or higher powers or something like that, because it's not connected to the source like it's supposed to be.

00:25:48.560 So I don't know if that makes any sense, but I feel like maybe we're supposed to be on four limbs, you know, that's why I think when you do yoga and stuff, that stuff for you, it makes you feel so keyed in, you know?

00:26:01.940 Yeah, and the only, like some other animals that are on two legs, you have, let me see, kangaroo, look at that bitch, dog.

00:26:14.260 Now that bitch ain't doing well, bruh.

00:26:17.900 Let's be honest, bruh, when you see a kangaroo, that bitch ain't doing well.

00:26:25.540 Dude, they making babies in their pocket, they're fighting each, look, they got, yeah, their fists fighting, they're making babies in their, uh, in their, uh, you know, their, their uterus is like in a damn, you know, they got like a fanny pack front uterus.

00:26:43.740 I don't know what they're doing there. Yeah, they fight. Yeah, they got children hiding out their wiener hole or whatever. I mean, it doesn't, none of it makes, yeah, look at them.

00:26:51.960 They're fighting, they're beating people. They had a couple of them ran through a fence somewhere the other day, but they, I mean, and nothing about the animal looks like it's doing well either.

00:27:02.220 They look like somebody was trying to do something and then like the lab got busted.

00:27:07.120 You know, they look like some kind of Frankenstein dude was trying to put some shit together and then the cops rolled up and he was like, ah, fuck it, I'm out of here.

00:27:16.960 And then that thing just beat through the damn drywall, bruh. Them bitches are gangbangers, son.

00:27:25.300 Dude, if you were, I mean, if, I'm sure in the animal kingdom, these are like the MS-13 of animals.

00:27:30.680 These are the Bloods and the Crips and the whatever, you know, I mean, these things will pop.

00:27:37.860 Look at this. I mean, here's one right here. My God.

00:27:41.360 I mean, this one, obviously, I mean, this, this one probably owns a yacht, bro.

00:27:48.200 I mean, these things are fucked up.

00:27:51.460 They're in a crypto. That's a fuck. That's a kangaroo.

00:27:54.580 I mean, this thing is modeling. You got to see some of these videos and get the picture down there with the Mexican kids.

00:28:01.280 He's trying to fit in with a family to get out of the country. Look at this shit.

00:28:06.020 Dude, that thing is crazy, bro.

00:28:08.940 And look at that wiener and the Mexicans right there. I mean, what's going on?

00:28:13.180 But yeah, anything, obviously. So that's what we are.

00:28:16.840 We're almost like this kangaroo, but we're all, it's just mostly in our head.

00:28:20.200 We don't know what's going on because we're stuck on two legs. We're not completing the circuit.

00:28:26.740 So I think that's something that could have happened to humans is at some point, you know, whenever we got on two legs, it just, you know, that energy gets stuck in our brain at the end of us.

00:28:40.540 So of course it would make our brain really advanced. And then since we don't have our life source, since we're not connected back to the earth, then we would start to create a higher power.

00:28:51.160 We'd have to start to create some reason. Because I think if you're connected to the earth, you're a four-legged animal, then the reason just flows through you and you know it.

00:28:59.280 So I don't know. I was thinking about that. You know, one thing I realized doing on tour busing was you got to really know when to hold them and know when to fold them.

00:29:18.020 And I'm talking about defecation. Doing number twos, BMs. Because it's like, you know, it's outlawed on a tour bus. People don't BM on there.

00:29:31.040 You know, if you got to do duty or you got to really, if you got something in your body that ain't pissed that wants to come out, then you got to do that on your own time.

00:29:39.920 Um, and yeah, it makes sense on there. It makes sense. It's a, it's like a code. It's almost like a, it's like a, what's like a code of conduct?

00:29:54.160 Like, not Morse code.

00:29:55.960 Etiquette.

00:29:56.440 Yeah, it's like an etiquette. It's like a code of conduct. Like, we don't shit, we don't shit on here.

00:30:02.160 We don't do it.

00:30:04.540 But, you know, it's just like this thing. It's like this battle cry.

00:30:09.100 Um, and yeah, I get, you know, and some people have, you know, a lot of people ride that, you know, they're, they're really, you know, I probably defecate probably maybe three times a week.

00:30:23.580 Right.

00:30:25.320 And I've met friends that do it often, probably, you know, that are, I think it's kind of taking the easy way out.

00:30:34.000 If you, if you shit more than twice or three times a week, to me, that's, you're not even doing anything.

00:30:42.600 You're just shit.

00:30:45.220 I mean, I think there's a, it's sort of a thing like, all right, do, you know, how tough am I, you know?

00:30:53.560 Um, and when I was young, it was always like that.

00:30:59.440 You know, my father didn't want us in there shitting all the time.

00:31:04.000 You know, he'd make us, you know, just be outside or say, y'all have better things to be doing.

00:31:09.620 Um, it's kind of a weak man's game.

00:31:13.580 You know, um, my dad used to say, that's when the enemy gets you.

00:31:17.880 And he's kind of right, you know, because when you're in that, when you're in a feces position, that's easily when you can get attacked.

00:31:25.540 And we had this one fellow in our area, this kid, Bennett was his name, Bennett.

00:31:29.720 And I don't know what it stood for, or if it didn't, it might not have stood for anything.

00:31:35.180 It could have just been, it just was Bennett.

00:31:38.080 And he had, uh, he had this deal where if he had to, you could tell if he had to defecate or do poop, he's, he'd start getting real quiet.

00:31:50.180 He'd start getting real quiet and you could almost tell, you know, uh, until he was almost silent and you'd have to tell him, man, go, go in there, go do it.

00:32:02.680 And the second he was empty, bro, he just a chatterbox.

00:32:07.800 It was almost like you couldn't fit words and poop in him at the same time.

00:32:11.540 You know, like he had some sort of, this, this yin and yang inside of his body where there wasn't room enough for all of it.

00:32:18.940 Cause you'd catch him after lunch and he'd be a little quieter.

00:32:22.180 And then after dinner, if he hadn't gone to the bathroom, if he'd just forgotten to go and he just fell asleep in the morning, he'd just be almost damn deaf.

00:32:29.420 He'd just be almost a damn mute, bro.

00:32:34.180 And you just want to just, I mean, you almost just damn go boy, go so we can chat.

00:32:41.500 But yeah, Bennett, he just, man, he wouldn't, and people would get on him.

00:32:45.760 They'd be like, say something, bro.

00:32:47.680 Say something or go shit.

00:32:51.380 One or the other, you know?

00:32:54.120 Oh, Bennett, huh?

00:32:55.260 Oh, oh, silent Bennett.

00:33:00.760 All full of shit, people would say, and he'd like, you know, give him thumbs up, like at least trying to, you know, say, yeah, yeah, I am, you know?

00:33:10.820 And he also was small in stature.

00:33:12.840 And you got to think about that.

00:33:13.880 If you got to defecate and you have, if 10% of your body is occupied by, you know, duty or whatever, I don't know what, you know, what form it's in at that point or how many stages it goes through.

00:33:30.680 But you got to think, damn, yeah, that's going to take up some time.

00:33:36.780 That's going to take up some space.

00:33:38.440 You know, that takes up a little bit of hard drive, I think.

00:33:41.280 So if you don't have that space free, it makes sense, kind of, you know?

00:33:46.980 I mean, it's hard to think.

00:33:48.620 I mean, if somebody asks me a hard question, sometimes I have to go defecate or something before I can even think about it.

00:33:55.600 And I don't, you know, I don't think that makes me dumb or anything, but I think it kind of makes me, you know, I just got to hedge my bets.

00:34:12.880 You know, I just have to give myself the best case scenario.

00:34:18.020 Because it does make sense if your body's using energy to do one thing, it's not going to have energy to do another thing.

00:34:22.700 You know, that's why I think you always got to go if you can, if there's something big coming up in your life, a wedding, you know, a birth, driver's ed test, you know, gun safety or whatever.

00:34:43.700 You got to defecate before you roll in there, you know?

00:34:51.700 You can't be saying I do to somebody at a wedding when you haven't.

00:35:00.100 So see what God wants, baby.

00:35:03.200 What else?

00:35:03.980 We got some great calls that came in.

00:35:06.080 I want to thank everybody that's come out to support the show.

00:35:08.540 So the show, man, the live, the tour has been really getting good, and it's been nice.

00:35:14.740 You know, tours are a little rocky when they start out because you're out there, you're seeing what it's like in different areas.

00:35:20.860 You know, people want to get out there.

00:35:22.320 You're trying to hedge, like, what people saw last time and what they saw.

00:35:26.520 So you see, so it's a new show for them.

00:35:28.460 So it's really been awesome, man, to get this new show really all tightened up and cruising on its legs, the Return of the Rat Tour and so many nice gifts.

00:35:41.480 One fellow brought me this amulet, a little religious amulet.

00:35:47.640 And, yeah, we had Corey Sandhagen came out in Denver.

00:35:51.380 That was cool.

00:35:52.020 The UFC gentleman, and he was on here before, really, oh, man, real rare guy.

00:35:59.140 You know, he's a real kind of stoic mental fighter.

00:36:03.500 He loves, you know, the brain games of all of it.

00:36:07.120 And that was great.

00:36:09.940 We got to go watch some amateur fights.

00:36:12.660 And, dude, that was – they just take a big bar or whatever, and they just turn that – they just, you know,

00:36:17.540 there's people damn – a couple of bantamweights in the bathroom just beating the – just beating the damn dry shampoo out of each other's hair.

00:36:25.500 You know, there's – it was just – it was amazing.

00:36:28.920 It was amazing to see some of the fights and just the people getting out there and doing it.

00:36:32.260 And that was out in Aurora, Colorado, out there with Colorado Combat Club, I think it's called.

00:36:38.460 But I'm grateful to him, and he was out there just coaching some guys, and it was just – it was awesome.

00:36:46.740 It was real awesome, win or lose, just to see people out there going out and giving it their all.

00:36:52.220 All right, we've had some calls that have come in, and sometimes they're from – you know, we had that rail baby, Big Dalton.

00:37:00.560 And, you know, we called in a couple weeks back, and he'd been trained out.

00:37:06.220 You know, he'd had that train hit him.

00:37:08.500 And, you know, he didn't even get a damn ticket, and he got that free – you know, that free ride.

00:37:12.860 Some people, you know, don't – they're like, oh, look at this bastard gets to – you know, doesn't even have to get a ticket.

00:37:20.600 You know, just people want to bitch about everything.

00:37:23.040 But you and I know we got hit by a train.

00:37:25.900 And it was powerful.

00:37:29.380 It was a powerful message coming from him.

00:37:31.500 Just hearing his words, hearing him say, hey, man, I'd be willing to get hit by a train again

00:37:38.760 because it made me have some respect for my own life.

00:37:45.080 You know, a lot of it – hell, I'm wandering around in life.

00:37:48.340 I don't even have any respect for life a lot of times.

00:37:51.080 And I'm just wandering around in this bitch.

00:37:53.420 You know, that's like going to Walmart or whatever, and you don't even ask what hours they're open or closed or whatever.

00:38:00.540 I don't even know that they close at 9 p.m., and it's already 5 for me.

00:38:05.560 And I'm just wandering around in this bitch, trying to steal some damn whatever, taffies or whatever.

00:38:12.460 But that's life, man.

00:38:13.800 It's like, you know, you got to know that sometimes it's going to shut down.

00:38:19.200 And what are you doing in the shop right now?

00:38:21.420 Are you over there feeling avocados like some damn pervert?

00:38:27.620 Are you learning how to do a, you know, do a damn, you know, bake a lamb or whatever, learning something new?

00:38:34.940 I don't know if I'm making any sense or not.

00:38:37.000 Does that make any sense, Zach?

00:38:39.060 That makes sense to me.

00:38:40.640 I get what you're saying.

00:38:41.760 You're just like, Dalton, he's got a new lease on life.

00:38:44.660 It makes you have to slow down and think about it.

00:38:47.940 I don't know if that's what I'm saying, but thank you.

00:38:50.380 Oh, sorry.

00:38:52.420 All right.

00:38:53.300 Let's see what happened here.

00:38:54.600 We had a guy, some people have called in who have also been a part of miracles or who've had God kind of, you know, you know, touch their lip, you know, just whisper into their lips.

00:39:06.940 Because that's really, that's something that's really, honestly, pretty gay, dude.

00:39:13.560 If a guy whispers into your mouth and not into your ear, bro, that is, you are, you are, see, at that point, you and that man are probably dating each other.

00:39:25.980 It's, you got to know what's going on.

00:39:29.800 If you're listening to another man with your mouth, bro, you already know what's good, son.

00:39:35.080 You got you a new little husband.

00:39:36.440 But anyway, a lot of people have experienced miracles, and so that's what we want to get to here.

00:39:42.120 We want to, we got some, a call, we got a call that came in about a man who is miracled up right here.

00:39:47.820 And, uh, we want to see what you guys think.

00:39:52.680 What's going on, the Rat King?

00:39:55.220 Hey, big dog, uh, my name is Julian Torres.

00:39:58.640 Julian Torres.

00:40:00.520 And I'm going to go out on a, uh, L, um, what is it called?

00:40:08.100 L-Lim?

00:40:08.640 L-Lim, yeah, thank you.

00:40:10.820 I'm going to go out on a L-Lim and say this guy is, uh, Meccano.

00:40:14.400 Well, um, let's hear more.

00:40:20.740 I'm asking if anybody has, like, a survival, like, a survivor story.

00:40:25.580 And, dude, back in 2010, dude, I stepped on a, a bomb, lost both my legs in Afghanistan.

00:40:32.640 And, uh, since then, dude, I've, like, kind of killed Majaro, dude.

00:40:36.060 I, um, I don't know, man, dude, I like to think that I'm getting after it, you know?

00:40:41.000 Um, wow.

00:40:42.880 I can't even, yeah, I mean, I can't even imagine, like, you lost both of your legs.

00:40:53.860 You stepped on a bomb.

00:40:56.220 Um, I mean, I used to always remember when I was a kid, that thing, like, step on a crack,

00:41:03.000 break your mother's back, you know?

00:41:06.060 They should have one of those for the, like, step on a, you know, step on a whatever, lose

00:41:13.460 your, like, it's kind of dumb that they teach, like, they, you know?

00:41:18.420 But anyway, man, I don't know what I'm talking about, but, um, man, unreal, dude.

00:41:22.580 I cannot believe that, man, that you don't, uh, that you don't have legs anymore.

00:41:29.860 And, fuck.

00:41:32.880 First of all, bro, thank you, um, I'm assuming that you were in service, so thank you for

00:41:40.620 your service, and, uh, yeah, I, I mean, I wonder what your attitude is.

00:41:47.920 Let's, let's hear more.

00:41:48.800 Let's hear more.

00:41:49.320 But, yeah, man, like, I've seen some crazy shit, uh, when I got blown up and stuff like

00:41:55.340 that, man, um, about seeing, like, um, I don't know, man, I'd love to tell you the story,

00:42:01.260 man, if you're willing to hear.

00:42:02.280 I'm a huge fan, and, uh, I don't know, man, I really appreciate what you're doing for everybody,

00:42:08.200 man.

00:42:08.820 You're a good dude, and, uh, I look forward to speaking to you soon, big guy.

00:42:12.880 Thanks, bro, I appreciate, I appreciate the call, man, and, um, yeah, I think, I would

00:42:18.800 love to chat about it.

00:42:19.820 I think it's, I can't imagine what things have been like, and even if you hear certain

00:42:25.700 songs, you hear that song, what is, um, like a bomb, like, uh, bombs over, like, if you

00:42:35.420 hear that kind of shit, is that, like, actually, I bet you could, if you're at, like, a Marine

00:42:40.940 Baller or whatever, you know, you fucking, you just get out there and just lose, you

00:42:46.180 know, lose your, you know, just fucking pull your sword out and just, I mean, you should

00:42:53.200 be able to hit some, I mean, if you've lost your leg, I'm sure they allow you to hit somebody

00:42:56.940 else or whatever if you need to, but, um, Unreal, man, or that song, boom, shake, shake, shake

00:43:04.880 the room.

00:43:06.280 I'm trying to think if there's something that would, like, if something had happened to me

00:43:09.820 like that if I would get set off, you know?

00:43:14.980 I should have asked even Dalton if that song Runaway Train comes on, if he, you know, wrong

00:43:21.020 way on a one.

00:43:23.160 It's just, you know, because for me, a lot of things will set me off, man, um, but, dude,

00:43:28.960 I think I would love to hear about it, man, and, and thanks for your service, and I can't

00:43:33.240 imagine you're sitting there, your legs go, like, right past you, so I'm sure your

00:43:40.080 first instinct would be to try to grab your legs, and, you know, oh, man, I can't even

00:43:48.000 imagine, so I got, that means I gotta learn.

00:43:51.000 Um, I'd love to chat about it, bro, so we'll hit you up and, um, and see if we can't have

00:43:57.420 you on to, for the next solo episode to, uh, to tell us more about that experience, man,

00:44:02.040 and, and thank you for being brave enough just to call and share it, you know, uh, you know,

00:44:07.060 one thing I think a lot of us have done over the years on this podcast is share things about

00:44:10.300 us that make us feel uncomfortable and, you know, uh, our shortcomings, um, and, um, and

00:44:18.340 not even our shortcomings, but just our experiences that maybe sometimes haven't been the normal

00:44:24.180 experiences for others, or in some cases are, but they haven't heard other people talk about

00:44:29.220 it, so they don't feel okay thinking about it, um, but, man, I'd love to hear more.

00:44:39.180 All right, let's get into another call here.

00:44:43.540 What's up, Theo?

00:44:44.600 My name's Hector.

00:44:46.280 Love the show.

00:44:46.980 I'm just wanting to tell you a quick story and get your opinion on it.

00:44:50.380 Que paso, Hector?

00:44:55.400 Let's hear more.

00:44:56.840 I went, I went to a family reunion recently, and there's this female that I've never met.

00:45:05.580 I wasn't aware she was kin until later on.

00:45:09.160 We ended up talking, we hit it off and everything, and then we went out on a couple dates, ended

00:45:15.180 up hitting it, and then come to find out my mom told me she's one of my second cousins,

00:45:20.840 and I'm just kind of, I don't know what to think about myself.

00:45:27.080 Kind of, I don't feel bad because I didn't know her, but I also don't want to enjoy it

00:45:34.720 because she's kin.

00:45:35.960 Let me know what you think about that, man.

00:45:37.360 Well, brother, I think this is actually a great call that some listeners can give feedback

00:45:43.140 to, you know?

00:45:45.900 I think there's like a rule of thumb when it comes to incest, you know?

00:45:49.260 And I don't know what it is, though.

00:45:53.360 What's the rule of thumb?

00:45:55.100 Can you Google that, please?

00:45:56.280 What's the rule of thumb with incest?

00:45:58.220 Uh, yeah, I can Google that.

00:46:02.880 Are you talking about like what's legal?

00:46:04.800 Because I know some states' second cousin is legal.

00:46:07.560 Well, I'm pretty sure that first, I believe first cousin is legal.

00:46:16.620 No.

00:46:17.520 No.

00:46:18.700 Second cousin.

00:46:19.380 I mean, I think it depends on what browser you're using then because they, 24 states

00:46:30.200 prohibit marriages between first cousins.

00:46:32.760 So I'm going to go out on a limb, you know, or is, uh, yeah, I'm going to go out on a limb

00:46:41.180 here.

00:46:43.100 Okay.

00:46:43.620 Here we go.

00:46:44.780 Cousin marriage legal.

00:46:46.820 I'll tell you where it's legal.

00:46:49.380 Texas, California, uh, Colorado, New Mexico, Alaska, Hawaii, Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia,

00:47:01.440 Florida, New York.

00:47:02.980 Wow.

00:47:03.480 That's a really cross.

00:47:04.600 I mean, that crosses like political lines and everything.

00:47:08.660 My, my thing is this, man, here's how, you know, if you shouldn't have sex with a sibling,

00:47:14.500 well, not a sibling, but a someone who's at, well, first of all, you're at a family

00:47:19.120 reunion, bro.

00:47:21.740 Maybe not a good place to even consider sex.

00:47:27.460 You know, I don't know if you need to, you need to wear a sign or something, a family reunion

00:47:31.300 or what do you, I mean, like if you walk into a family reunion, you shouldn't walk out of

00:47:38.900 there with some chick's number, bro.

00:47:40.580 That's crazy, bro.

00:47:42.100 You are, I mean, you're a good guy, but you also seem like you could have some sexual predator issues.

00:47:50.620 You know, and I'm not judging you, but I'm just saying every, everybody else is gonna.

00:47:55.500 And if you, man, you can't, if you, like, what am I, what are we, what are we saying here, Zach?

00:48:06.560 I mean, that was my point is if you're going to a family reunion, like what are you, was

00:48:12.500 it a mistake?

00:48:13.480 Yeah.

00:48:13.760 I mean, how many people are at the, I didn't have a family reunion.

00:48:16.960 It's a Mexican family reunion, dude.

00:48:18.440 There could be, it's at a park, I'm sure there could be upwards of two to six thousand people

00:48:22.680 there.

00:48:23.300 I mean, there's anybody getting off a bus in LA will probably stop.

00:48:26.740 I mean, it's, I'm sure that some of the, I'm sure there's a lot of vague paperwork at

00:48:35.200 the reunion is all I'm saying, which is fine.

00:48:40.760 Feliz Navidad, baby, you know what I'm saying, but I'm sure, I understand, I think how it

00:48:46.660 could happen maybe a little bit more if, if there's a lot of people at the reunion and

00:48:52.420 Mexican people like to hang out at the park, man.

00:48:54.900 That shit is no joke.

00:48:55.940 Everybody knows it.

00:48:57.120 That's, they're like a, that's part of their culture.

00:49:00.460 So what, what does he want to know here, you think?

00:49:03.180 I think he's just wondering if he should feel bad about it or not.

00:49:06.160 Okay.

00:49:07.200 Um, well, look, I think it's good you're reaching out to people cause you don't know what

00:49:10.060 know, you know, what some of the laws or bylaws are regarding, you know, familial sexual

00:49:16.380 contact.

00:49:17.780 And, uh, look, I've seen people have sex that should not be having sex.

00:49:23.600 And I've seen the children of that.

00:49:26.180 And that's where God really throws his two cents in.

00:49:29.540 When that baby rolls out and you're like, damn, you know, this thing's got, you know,

00:49:35.180 little extra spine on it or something, you know, things got, you know, things got an

00:49:40.240 extra, you know, it's got an extra thumb near his ass or whatever.

00:49:42.960 You know what I'm saying?

00:49:43.440 Like, that's when, you know, like, damn, it's, but you know, it's a little buckaroo.

00:49:48.300 He's got four rows of teeth, you know, and two of them's on his butthole.

00:49:52.780 You know what I'm saying?

00:49:53.360 That's when you're like, oh, damn, shouldn't have done that.

00:49:56.660 So I think, you know, there's a general rule of thumb where I'm from, you got to walk at

00:50:02.120 least 300 feet before you pull your dick out.

00:50:06.580 And I think that's a good rule to keep anybody off of incest or anything like that.

00:50:12.780 You know?

00:50:14.220 So, um, yeah.

00:50:19.340 And they used to say also, whenever you're about to pull your wiener out, say, get away

00:50:23.760 from me and then name everybody in your family.

00:50:26.660 And so that way you would make sure you didn't have sex with somebody you shouldn't be.

00:50:33.740 So the second you break it out, get away from me, Timothy, get away from me, mom, Rhonda,

00:50:39.540 Papa, uh, Christy, you know, Emmanuel, whatever, whoever is, then that way you're setting yourself

00:50:49.300 up for the best.

00:50:51.040 But good luck out there, man.

00:50:52.540 Yeah, don't, yeah.

00:50:53.780 You know, you know, not to have sex at a family reunion, man, you know, it, you know, I'm saying

00:50:59.760 I'm, I'm kind of P footing around it here.

00:51:01.580 You know, it, you know, it, man.

00:51:04.080 I mean, I don't know what's going on in the world where you have to call in that people

00:51:09.720 are doing sex with family.

00:51:12.800 I mean, how many years we have to learn this rule?

00:51:19.160 How many times do we have to learn this rule as a society that you can't have sex with a

00:51:26.160 member of your family?

00:51:30.440 Because it isn't safe genetically, bub.

00:51:34.060 You're going to give birth to a fucking hot air balloon with legs, dog.

00:51:39.480 You're going to give birth to something that's going to live in a lava lamp, bub.

00:51:43.340 And God don't want that.

00:51:45.280 And you don't want that.

00:51:47.520 You don't want to babysit a lava lamp.

00:51:50.960 You don't want somebody wheeling your kid across and he's, you know, you know, and he just

00:51:55.840 gots a little lava in him and he can't even, he can barely make the lava to say the words

00:52:00.360 dad at maybe once a year.

00:52:03.520 You don't want that.

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00:55:15.200 We got a little bit of news here.

00:55:17.720 Let's get into some news.

00:55:18.980 What is this deal with the K-pop?

00:55:22.700 Yeah, BTS, they're getting drafted in South Korea because South Korea is activating their draft,

00:55:28.580 which means that the band's going to have to break up,

00:55:30.200 and these guys are going to have to enlist and fight North Korea or whatever they're doing.

00:55:34.360 Look, I believe that—I like this, man.

00:55:43.460 I like this because this is a real chance for these men to become heroes.

00:55:48.140 There used to be a thing where you had—everybody had some skin in the game.

00:55:53.300 You had to get—everybody was up for potential draft.

00:55:56.300 You know, let me see.

00:55:59.160 Can you look that up, Zach, what the drafting was in Vietnam?

00:56:03.460 That was the last draft, but yeah.

00:56:05.300 But before that, everybody was at the—you know, everybody had a chance.

00:56:12.940 It was the hokey pokey, and everybody had one foot in, you know?

00:56:17.320 That's what it was.

00:56:18.280 You had one foot in the possibility to go out there and support your country

00:56:24.380 and put actual skin in the game like our boy Julian Torres did.

00:56:30.240 I mean, he put—he got skin in the game.

00:56:34.520 And then—what does it say about it, Zach?

00:56:37.480 Yeah, just that Vietnam was the last draft that American men were, you know, had to go in there,

00:56:43.040 and they did a lottery system every day on the news where you got—if your ball was picked, then you went.

00:56:47.880 Wow!

00:56:50.480 So I would like to say I commend these guys.

00:56:52.740 I don't know how they feel about it.

00:56:56.080 I don't know how BTS feels about it.

00:56:59.580 We should put BTK in there with them.

00:57:03.460 Whatever that guy's name was.

00:57:07.200 Dennis Reader?

00:57:08.140 Dennis Reader.

00:57:09.380 Dennis Reader.

00:57:10.280 Reader.

00:57:10.920 Sent him over.

00:57:12.080 We should put people at, you know—

00:57:15.660 Look, I think it would be crazy.

00:57:17.780 You get a pager, you're at home.

00:57:20.240 I gotta go, honey.

00:57:21.240 And you're off to war.

00:57:23.180 And even the women, too.

00:57:25.600 A lot of women want the chance to go, you know.

00:57:28.860 A lot of extreme—there's a lot of extreme women out there who want to—want equality.

00:57:35.400 You know, exact equality.

00:57:36.760 And I think that—so then it would be everybody has a chance to go.

00:57:40.360 Um, because a lot of these bitches want to wrestle, bro.

00:57:47.520 If I'm real honest.

00:57:49.160 A lot of these bitches want to wrestle.

00:57:51.500 Until they get in the ring.

00:57:54.300 Until they get over there.

00:57:57.120 And there's no Balenciaga.

00:58:00.160 Okay?

00:58:00.600 There's no Activa yogurt.

00:58:04.560 Alright?

00:58:05.060 There's no, uh, um, an app to get your nails done or GoPuff or something like that.

00:58:14.340 There's no—I mean, they probably have vaping.

00:58:17.020 Um, but there's none of that shit.

00:58:21.340 There's no place to get your skirt hemmed.

00:58:23.900 You're out there.

00:58:25.840 You're hiding under a fucking cactus.

00:58:29.240 Trying to keep, you know, trying to keep your own fucking legs, lady.

00:58:33.760 Sorry.

00:58:36.600 Sorry.

00:58:37.440 But what I'm saying is that there is—

00:58:40.200 I don't know what I'm saying, dude.

00:58:42.380 I fucking—I need to get some help, I think.

00:58:47.480 What were they asking about, Zach?

00:58:51.380 Who?

00:58:53.900 I don't know, man.

00:58:55.040 Sorry.

00:58:55.620 What is this about?

00:58:56.400 This—never mind.

00:58:58.460 K-pop superstars join white—

00:59:01.320 Uh, where are you?

00:59:03.760 Look, send them all in.

00:59:08.260 K-pop.

00:59:11.260 Uh, A-pop, whoever—Africa.

00:59:15.620 Send them in.

00:59:16.960 Everybody.

00:59:18.300 Put your pop five.

00:59:19.920 Send them bitches over there, dude.

00:59:21.180 I think every—they should have all these bands fight it out to see who's the best.

00:59:25.440 That's what it's coming to anyway.

00:59:27.740 You got YouTube stars fighting it out.

00:59:30.080 Three years away from now,

00:59:32.060 You'll have Jojo Siwa fighting Leonardo DiCaprio for a sex change.

00:59:40.160 The last sex change.

00:59:41.540 There's going to be a new show called The Last Sex Change.

00:59:43.900 And they—and that's how they'll do it.

00:59:47.360 And the winner gets a sex change.

00:59:49.160 The loser doesn't get their garbage picked up anymore.

00:59:54.640 It's going to get into shit like that.

00:59:57.340 If you don't—that's where it's heading.

00:59:59.100 We're—it's all going to be competitions online.

01:00:02.520 Draft Kings is going to sponsor it.

01:00:05.220 You're going to be able to buy—you know—you'll be—you know—you'll be able to sell your legs online if you want.

01:00:20.420 What else we got, Zach?

01:00:21.580 You know, this guy in New York who released a sex tape has to be the top of my list.

01:00:30.840 Okay, and who is he?

01:00:32.900 I'm pulling it up for you.

01:00:35.900 This New York City congressional candidate, Mike Itkis.

01:00:39.140 Mm-hmm.

01:00:39.520 Um, it's the guy—

01:00:40.800 Oh, yeah.

01:00:41.600 He—and he—look.

01:00:43.060 Right out the gate, you can tell this guy came over to fuck.

01:00:48.040 Yeah, so, uh, this guy—

01:00:49.040 He didn't even bring his hair.

01:00:50.980 This guy's bringing, uh, he's releasing his own sex tape to promote a sex-positive approach, I guess, for political candidates.

01:00:57.940 I love it.

01:00:58.320 And as you can see, we got the first frame here.

01:01:00.620 But, um, I don't know.

01:01:02.580 Do you think it'll work out for him?

01:01:04.020 Oh, I think—I mean, we're talking about it.

01:01:06.960 Mike Itkis, I'd vote for this guy.

01:01:10.520 Uh, I love this.

01:01:13.620 I love him cutting—obviously, the guy has some serious—he must have serious concerns that there's some video out there of him having sex.

01:01:21.680 Well, apparently, it says he's focused his campaign on legalizing sex work and ending adultery laws and defining consent.

01:01:27.680 So he's just running a sex-positive campaign.

01:01:30.580 Okay.

01:01:31.280 And look, I think I like this.

01:01:32.840 I think sometimes we are still abiding by old rules that don't happen anymore.

01:01:38.580 Pull up old laws that are outdated in some areas.

01:01:42.280 You know, and in the image here, the guy is bald-headed.

01:01:48.820 Uh, he has a suit on.

01:01:50.480 He looks like the guy that gave the gobstopper to, um, Charlie Wonka.

01:01:55.940 Uh, he looks, um, and he's with a sex worker.

01:02:02.680 And look, I've—we had a sex worker on here.

01:02:05.640 I think people—if that's where we're at, that's where we're at.

01:02:10.920 At a certain point, you can't fight where we're at.

01:02:14.620 If people are, you know—like, the guy who parks the cars here, he does BMs 11 times a day, right?

01:02:22.940 I can't—I—I—in fact, he has a—his side hustle is parking the jobs.

01:02:29.180 His main job is BM-ing in here in the bathroom.

01:02:32.820 The guy is just a real shit man.

01:02:37.640 You know?

01:02:38.180 He was shitting there last time I was in.

01:02:39.580 Yeah, and he was in there earlier when I was in there.

01:02:41.260 Yeah.

01:02:41.420 And I'll tell you what I did.

01:02:43.100 So I'm in there, and I saw—he went in behind me, and I saw him.

01:02:47.460 He slinks in.

01:02:48.080 And he slinks through quick, you know?

01:02:50.900 And he's the same stall.

01:02:52.720 He's one of those little same stall babies.

01:02:54.780 And I respect that.

01:02:56.280 Anybody who just goes into a bathroom and will just shit in any stall, what?

01:03:02.400 You are the serial killer of number two people.

01:03:08.860 People doing number twos.

01:03:10.940 You'll just go in there and use any toilet.

01:03:13.500 Didn't your mother teach you anything?

01:03:15.820 You just say, hey, hey, huh?

01:03:17.720 You're like that little Goldilocks.

01:03:20.160 You're just sleeping in any bed, huh?

01:03:22.500 You little shit boy.

01:03:24.920 But here's what I'm saying is.

01:03:26.400 What is this about?

01:03:29.680 Well, we were, you know, talking about this guy.

01:03:32.020 All he does is shit.

01:03:32.700 He doesn't work.

01:03:33.440 Oh, yeah.

01:03:34.220 The valet.

01:03:37.640 Slash security.

01:03:40.740 Security.

01:03:43.100 I'm not even getting into that.

01:03:45.080 Oh, but here's what I noticed.

01:03:46.220 So I'm in there.

01:03:46.980 Thank you, Zach.

01:03:48.180 I'm in there.

01:03:50.060 And I see him slink past, right?

01:03:51.540 He goes in there.

01:03:52.560 And I can tell he's sitting on the toilet.

01:03:55.860 And he's waiting until he thinks I'll, like I've washed my hands.

01:03:59.000 He's waiting.

01:03:59.260 He thinks I'm leaving before he does that initial burst, you know?

01:04:04.380 Because there's something.

01:04:05.240 When you go in the bathroom and you do a BM or you do a number two, you don't want somebody

01:04:08.980 here and you make that first big pop, you know?

01:04:12.000 That, you know, when that kind of surprise party comes out, you ask when you don't know

01:04:15.360 what's going to happen.

01:04:16.060 So I'm in there.

01:04:18.720 And you know what I say?

01:04:19.540 I say, you know what?

01:04:21.740 I'm going to fucking pretend I leave so I can hear it.

01:04:24.800 And that's what I did, dude.

01:04:29.620 I, like, made, like, sound like this with my hands.

01:04:32.340 Did the water.

01:04:33.060 Made that.

01:04:34.180 Opened the door.

01:04:35.220 Let it close.

01:04:36.120 Guy just drafts himself right into the war with his own asshole.

01:04:45.620 Right?

01:04:46.380 I mean, just running a 50 cal, bro.

01:04:49.600 Just parking cars all over the side of that toilet.

01:04:53.860 And then the second he did it, I fucking was like, ah!

01:04:58.220 And turned on all the faucets, motherfucker!

01:05:02.960 You don't fuck with me, dude.

01:05:04.760 You don't fuck with me, whitey.

01:05:08.800 Or whatever that guy.

01:05:09.820 I think he's actually Mexican.

01:05:11.360 He is.

01:05:13.460 So, I'm just saying we're out here, dude.

01:05:18.520 And we're doing what we can.

01:05:20.220 What does this lady need?

01:05:25.300 What I'm saying is don't have sex with your cousin, bub.

01:05:28.940 All right?

01:05:31.180 What else we got?

01:05:32.280 What was that call about?

01:05:34.760 Oh, it's news.

01:05:35.420 Never mind.

01:05:35.860 Sorry.

01:05:39.840 Tennessee player vomits on the field against Alabama.

01:05:42.020 Let's see that.

01:05:46.680 See how this happened in the Tennessee-Alabama game.

01:05:49.340 This guy barfed on the field and I guess used it as an intimidation tactic.

01:05:53.460 You can see him nod.

01:05:54.740 Oh, yeah.

01:05:55.060 Yeah, they used to do that in a lot of the Slavic wars.

01:05:59.820 A lot of, where is that?

01:06:03.120 Where are the Vikings from?

01:06:06.980 Norway?

01:06:08.220 Yeah.

01:06:09.020 Cold areas.

01:06:09.780 A lot of that.

01:06:10.380 Vomit.

01:06:10.780 It was a, ah, look what I'm going to do to you.

01:06:13.560 I'm going to digest you.

01:06:15.500 Also, this is Tennessee.

01:06:16.580 Somebody could have just ordered a beer up in the stands and that dude was trying to,

01:06:19.380 I mean, that's draft.

01:06:20.380 I mean, that is bush light for sure.

01:06:26.160 But, hey, baby, go Big Orange, bro.

01:06:28.060 I will say that.

01:06:29.600 And there was a game filled with a lot of calls, but at the end, nobody was really playing defense.

01:06:34.660 And, um, and they won.

01:06:38.760 And they won.

01:06:40.720 What else do we have?

01:06:41.400 Any other good news that came in?

01:06:42.860 Um, we got a billion snow crabs missing in Alaska.

01:06:48.600 We got.

01:06:49.640 And this is what I want to talk about the supply chain.

01:06:53.060 Everybody thinks that we don't have certain things because China's not making it.

01:06:59.260 Right?

01:06:59.920 Who's the original China?

01:07:02.500 Mother Nature, baby.

01:07:05.760 M-F-N.

01:07:08.200 Mother F-N Nature.

01:07:12.920 The original China.

01:07:15.980 The crabs are missing.

01:07:17.280 What do they say, huh?

01:07:19.560 So, uh, they're estimating about a billion snow crabs are missing from Alaska.

01:07:25.260 And that's a big deal for their economy, obviously.

01:07:27.640 I know that people think of, like, Deadliest Catch show.

01:07:30.080 Um, but they can't find the snow crabs.

01:07:32.560 And the first time in history they got to cancel the season.

01:07:34.660 So the question is, you know, they're potentially blaming this on climate change to say the ice is melting.

01:07:39.780 They need the ice, but I'm wondering if someone stole it.

01:07:43.800 Yeah.

01:07:44.020 You can get ice anywhere.

01:07:45.060 First of all, I'm going to go and put that on record.

01:07:47.400 Second of all, I'm going to say this.

01:07:49.900 Mother Nature will change the menu, guys.

01:07:53.300 That's one thing people don't think.

01:07:54.740 You don't, you think, dude, two million years ago people were having dinosaur meat.

01:07:58.460 A little bit of dactyl, huh?

01:08:00.920 A little bit of, uh, of, uh, Bronta, you know?

01:08:05.820 Oh, yeah.

01:08:07.020 I'll have a little bit of, uh, give me that Ceratops, um, Remoulade.

01:08:13.440 Mother Nature's going to change the menu.

01:08:15.620 And maybe crab's gone, huh?

01:08:18.280 Maybe fucking crab's gone.

01:08:20.340 What are you going to do then, huh?

01:08:23.120 Just put, use shrimp only?

01:08:25.480 What about when shrimp's gone?

01:08:27.420 What about when ham is gone, huh, bitch?

01:08:31.300 Then you're going to fucking get out of your seat, aren't you?

01:08:35.300 Let me tell you this.

01:08:36.360 Mother Nature will lead us into battle with one another.

01:08:42.860 When she's tired of the bullshit,

01:08:45.400 when she's tired of the back and forth

01:08:47.700 and the fucking Nicki Minaj bullshit or whatever,

01:08:51.740 and a lot of these fake gays,

01:08:54.380 people being gay for money

01:08:55.940 and not even really being gay.

01:09:01.280 People saying their bite is to sell albums

01:09:03.920 or sell calendars.

01:09:06.660 I'll tell you what.

01:09:08.640 You know who's bisexual?

01:09:10.280 Motherfucking nature, bitch.

01:09:11.780 And she will eat your ass

01:09:17.200 with her frickin' wiener pussy.

01:09:21.140 Because she can do whatever she wants.

01:09:23.900 First she takes the crabs,

01:09:25.280 then she takes the lions,

01:09:26.820 then she takes the bacon.

01:09:29.360 The ice is gone.

01:09:31.940 What else?

01:09:33.140 Maybe the salt.

01:09:35.080 And then what are you doing, huh?

01:09:36.940 Standing around about to fuck your family member?

01:09:40.320 Whatever that guy's name was, Wilson.

01:09:41.780 I'm just saying, guys,

01:09:46.000 there's bigger forces at play than we know.

01:09:50.700 And you gotta, you gotta,

01:09:52.660 you have to recognize that at some point,

01:09:55.720 the gig is up

01:09:56.780 with you just wandering around vaping,

01:09:59.620 doing nothing.

01:10:01.440 At some point,

01:10:02.440 we have to contribute to our own wellness.

01:10:06.800 Because the buffet is shutting down, guys.

01:10:10.420 And,

01:10:11.780 and it's gonna get sick out there.

01:10:14.120 What else we got?

01:10:14.740 Anything?

01:10:16.620 That's a lot of the big news stories.

01:10:21.100 Yeah.

01:10:22.140 Well, there you go.

01:10:23.940 Sex tape,

01:10:25.020 advertising,

01:10:26.940 accidental family sex,

01:10:28.800 and,

01:10:30.680 and, uh,

01:10:31.140 and that,

01:10:34.300 God,

01:10:34.760 that thing was fine.

01:10:35.800 Oh, my God.

01:10:37.320 That thing was

01:10:38.500 the Halle Berry of damn animals, bro.

01:10:42.200 Mmm.

01:10:43.460 If somebody,

01:10:44.460 if somebody rolls up to a party with that,

01:10:47.440 I'm jealous, man.

01:10:50.220 Um,

01:10:51.260 yeah,

01:10:53.880 I think we covered a lot.

01:10:56.240 Yeah,

01:10:56.700 they threw Vaseline or whatever on the Van Gogh painting.

01:10:59.380 I saw that.

01:11:01.880 And I'll tell you,

01:11:02.620 this is all just a big push to get the NFT business going.

01:11:05.640 That's all it is.

01:11:08.600 You know,

01:11:09.480 it's just a,

01:11:10.260 it's,

01:11:10.600 I'm sure you got an ad the next moment for NFTs.

01:11:13.500 for,

01:11:15.340 you know,

01:11:16.180 Van Gogh or whatever.

01:11:18.060 Lombardi,

01:11:20.300 Denouement,

01:11:21.040 whatever.

01:11:21.660 All,

01:11:22.020 you know,

01:11:23.000 Mona Lisa.

01:11:25.200 They're all,

01:11:26.100 they're all moving to NFTs,

01:11:28.260 so they're trying to,

01:11:28.880 they're trying to bullshit you this with the,

01:11:32.520 doing that.

01:11:33.800 All right.

01:11:34.840 That's enough.

01:11:36.580 I'm tired, man.

01:11:42.280 Man,

01:11:42.760 there's crabs though.

01:11:47.780 Watch them just show up somewhere and be like,

01:11:49.680 now what?

01:11:51.740 A billion of them is a lot.

01:11:57.500 We'll see.

01:11:58.820 All right,

01:11:59.260 guys.

01:11:59.800 Uh,

01:12:00.040 thank you so much.

01:12:01.180 Uh,

01:12:01.820 we'll see you guys on the next one.

01:12:04.580 Um,

01:12:05.460 we are evolving as humans.

01:12:08.040 Do not forget it.

01:12:09.860 Uh,

01:12:11.060 we are not alone.

01:12:12.480 We have each other.

01:12:14.460 Um,

01:12:15.440 it was,

01:12:15.900 it was awesome to see a lot of you guys out on the road.

01:12:17.700 I look forward to seeing you,

01:12:18.820 uh,

01:12:19.400 again down the line.

01:12:21.100 Um,

01:12:21.500 and I love you and I hope you take care of yourselves and,

01:12:26.720 uh,

01:12:27.400 and,

01:12:27.780 and keep some joy in your,

01:12:29.040 in your,

01:12:29.740 in your head space.

01:12:32.080 Um,

01:12:32.740 you know,

01:12:34.400 get some anger out of your life.

01:12:35.620 You know what?

01:12:35.900 Actually,

01:12:36.160 we had a call that came in.

01:12:37.200 I forgot the guy.

01:12:38.480 It asked about anger and we never got an answer to him.

01:12:41.940 Um,

01:12:42.380 and then this call came in and I just wanted to hear,

01:12:46.120 uh,

01:12:47.100 this cause I needed to hear this as well.

01:12:48.960 When I listened to this,

01:12:50.960 this is Travis from Portland,

01:12:55.320 Oregon.

01:12:56.600 Um,

01:12:57.360 what's up Travis?

01:12:58.200 response to a dude who was calling in about struggling with anger issues.

01:13:03.580 And that's something that I really resonate with or,

01:13:06.320 you know,

01:13:06.680 have dealt with in my lifetime.

01:13:10.080 Um,

01:13:10.680 and I think one thing that's important,

01:13:14.460 like everything that you said,

01:13:15.480 I totally,

01:13:16.180 totally agree with.

01:13:17.540 Like,

01:13:18.400 uh,

01:13:18.900 a lot of it's just like you want to control outcomes.

01:13:21.740 And when things aren't going your way,

01:13:23.540 you get angry,

01:13:24.400 just like a little child.

01:13:26.260 But I think sometimes that,

01:13:28.100 that little child inside of you just needs more love and like,

01:13:32.980 you know,

01:13:33.560 and so something that's really helped me is like when,

01:13:37.080 when I've been angry and upset and frustrated or whatever,

01:13:41.040 just like learning to talk to myself differently.

01:13:44.300 Cause if you're angry with being angry,

01:13:47.560 it really doesn't really get you anywhere.

01:13:50.220 Um,

01:13:50.940 and so,

01:13:52.500 yeah,

01:13:52.840 just learning how to like,

01:13:54.580 kind of just,

01:13:55.440 you know,

01:13:55.780 talk,

01:13:56.120 talk to my,

01:13:57.560 the part of me that's angry,

01:13:58.820 like,

01:13:59.400 like it is my child,

01:14:01.160 you know,

01:14:01.600 like a loving manner.

01:14:02.720 And just like,

01:14:03.360 you know,

01:14:03.580 just be that,

01:14:04.880 be that mature adult,

01:14:07.020 you know,

01:14:08.700 um,

01:14:09.120 for myself in those situations and scenarios.

01:14:12.180 Cause,

01:14:13.320 you know,

01:14:13.580 it's kind of hard to have that,

01:14:15.000 that,

01:14:15.640 uh,

01:14:16.140 purview at that time when you're kind of in the,

01:14:18.940 in the heat or whatever.

01:14:21.600 Yeah,

01:14:21.960 man,

01:14:22.360 that's a great,

01:14:23.000 that's a great suggestion.

01:14:24.200 Cause I find that I find when I'm angry,

01:14:25.820 I'm,

01:14:26.040 that's what I feel like a child.

01:14:29.420 It's like a child,

01:14:30.820 you know,

01:14:31.420 and those are the,

01:14:32.980 you know,

01:14:33.540 I'm still have a dog.

01:14:34.500 Even as an adult,

01:14:35.200 I still have those behaviors as a child and it's hard,

01:14:38.460 you know,

01:14:39.500 but that's a great,

01:14:40.340 that's a great suggestion to really take yourself aside and almost talk to

01:14:45.240 yourself like as you would a child,

01:14:46.740 you know,

01:14:47.520 say,

01:14:47.680 Hey,

01:14:47.800 what's going on here?

01:14:48.820 You know,

01:14:49.460 why are you,

01:14:50.000 what's happening?

01:14:50.560 What's really happening?

01:14:51.980 Cause you're not that upset about this.

01:14:54.800 What's really going on?

01:14:56.580 Um,

01:14:57.540 yeah,

01:14:59.400 I love that man.

01:15:00.340 And that just helps you build a better relationship with yourself.

01:15:02.520 And,

01:15:03.460 uh,

01:15:04.540 and that was a great suggestion.

01:15:05.900 So thank you.

01:15:07.120 Um,

01:15:07.520 and if the young man that called in about the anger issues,

01:15:09.840 got to hear that,

01:15:10.580 then that's,

01:15:12.640 uh,

01:15:13.360 that's perfect.

01:15:14.100 That's what we're here for.

01:15:14.960 If you have an issue,

01:15:15.880 something that's a straining you,

01:15:17.680 something you're struggling with,

01:15:18.560 hit the hotline,

01:15:19.160 nine,

01:15:19.340 eight,

01:15:19.480 five,

01:15:19.880 six,

01:15:20.300 six,

01:15:20.500 four,

01:15:20.760 nine,

01:15:21.000 five,

01:15:21.440 zero,

01:15:22.200 three.

01:15:23.040 Uh,

01:15:23.320 we're going to head out the way that we came in.

01:15:26.440 Um,

01:15:26.760 I'm hoping to go see some Zach Brian,

01:15:28.340 uh,

01:15:29.400 music tomorrow night.

01:15:31.180 Uh,

01:15:31.740 looking forward to that.

01:15:32.720 And then I'm hoping to be at the LSU Ole Miss game,

01:15:35.060 um,

01:15:36.620 this weekend.

01:15:38.520 Uh,

01:15:39.040 that's going to be a big one.

01:15:40.440 That's going to be a big one.

01:15:42.220 Uh,

01:15:42.700 this is Eddie nine volt with little black flies.

01:15:47.560 I love this jam.

01:15:48.960 Uh,

01:15:49.100 you guys be good to yourself and,

01:15:51.100 uh,

01:15:52.320 you deserve it.

01:15:53.160 Yeah.

01:15:53.320 You can see the cigarette burns on the wall and all the empty bottles in the hall.

01:16:22.580 If the water gets too rough,

01:16:26.140 you know who to call.

01:16:27.780 Calls you baby.

01:16:32.340 And I can see the way he looks in your eyes.

01:16:36.840 A so,

01:16:37.680 so lost with his foolish lies.

01:16:41.160 If you're here,

01:16:42.140 I'll be out of my eyes.

01:16:43.020 Ladies and gentlemen,

01:16:46.340 I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club,

01:16:48.680 a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events,

01:16:52.580 stand-up stories,

01:16:53.940 and seven ways to pleasure your partner.

01:16:56.440 The answer may shock you.

01:16:58.180 Sometimes I'll interview my friends.

01:17:00.300 Sometimes I won't.

01:17:01.760 And as always,

01:17:02.780 I'll be joined by the voices in my head.

01:17:04.860 You have three new voice messages.

01:17:07.420 A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.

01:17:10.760 I've been talking about Kite Club for so long.

01:17:13.440 Longer than anybody else.

01:17:15.100 So great.

01:17:16.440 Hi,

01:17:17.060 sweetheart.

01:17:18.100 Easy deal.

01:17:19.380 Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.

01:17:23.360 Jermaine.

01:17:23.940 I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.

01:17:28.400 Sorry,

01:17:28.800 sir,

01:17:28.900 but our ice cream machine is broken.

01:17:30.520 Oh,

01:17:30.840 no.

01:17:32.840 I think Tom Hanks just butt dialed me.

01:17:35.220 Anyway,

01:17:35.860 first rule of Kite Club is,

01:17:37.620 tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:17:39.380 Second rule of Kite Club is,

01:17:41.300 tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:17:43.640 Third rule,

01:17:44.560 like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts,

01:17:47.240 or watch us on YouTube,

01:17:48.760 yeah?

01:17:49.400 And yes,

01:17:49.980 don't worry,

01:17:50.700 my Brad Pitt impression will get better.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - October 18, 2022

E413 Cold Beach

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