This Past Weekend with Theo Von

00:00:00.000 I want to announce some new Return of the Rat tour dates. January 26th, Louisville, Kentucky.

00:00:07.120 January 28th, Indianapolis. February 2th, Shreveport, Louisiana. February 3rd and 4th,

00:00:17.320 Baton Rouge, Louisiana. March 24th, Corpus Christi, Texas. March 25th, and I believe 26th,

00:00:26.520 Houston, Texas. We just added a new show there in Houston. April 26th and 27th, Phoenix,

00:00:34.600 Arizona. May 13th, New York City. We just added a show there. June 1st and 2nd, Austin, Texas,

00:00:44.520 and we will be adding new shows as current shows sell out. So if it sells out, just check back.

00:00:50.560 You can use the code RATKING if it's before Friday, November 18th. If it's on Friday,

00:00:59.060 November 18th or after, then you can just buy the tickets as you go. Go through theovon.com

00:01:05.200 slash T-O-U-R to make sure you get accurately priced. And thank you so much for all of your

00:01:11.900 support. I'm so grateful to have this opportunity to get out there and see you. I love you guys,

00:01:18.460 gang. Today's guest has been, he's been on quite a ride as a human, as a content creator. He's one

00:01:32.080 of a kind. There's no doubt about that. He has a new special Jew out on YouTube and he's going to

00:01:43.160 tell us a little bit about the journey of creating that. And I'm just grateful to get to spend some

00:01:47.260 time with him while he's out here in Los Angeles. He has tour dates and everything. You can check it

00:01:52.460 all out. Today's guest is Ari Shafir.

00:01:55.600 Shine that light on me. I'll sit and tell you my stories. Shine on me. And I will find a song I've been singing.

00:02:16.020 I'll see you since. You came to Nashville, remember? Yeah, dude. That was cool, man. Thank you.

00:02:30.880 That's ruined a lot of me, but not all of it. Yeah, I've been good, man. Just still slowly just

00:02:36.960 getting over. I mean, my burnout was so bad. It's tough to say that to people because people don't

00:02:41.200 know it, but like I couldn't even sit through a conversation. Well, there's a conversation I did

00:02:47.220 with this guy, Bryce Mitchell, where I could barely even talk. I was just my, I mean, just got burnt

00:02:52.100 out, you know? So it's just been a slow, like, you know, every couple of weeks I feel a little bit

00:02:57.920 better. I got on like some peptides and I got like a lot of different vitamins and did that ayahuasca

00:03:06.400 thing to try to get better. I mean, I was trying everything to kind of, you know, see what was going

00:03:10.100 on. Yeah, I was telling Bobby he needs to take time off. I was telling him yesterday and he was like,

00:03:15.380 yeah, I'm like, I gotta do this and this. I'm like, dude, you're saying the same thing everyone's saying

00:03:18.100 and I was saying that like you and I were talking about it. Yeah, you and I appreciate you hitting me

00:03:22.520 up. You hit me up and say, hey, man, you remind me to take some time off to go do some things for

00:03:26.940 myself. But I said how like the comments were all like, yeah, Theo, go. We'll still be here. Like, go get

00:03:33.380 right. Yeah. Comments weren't like, no, you better not take off. The comments were like

00:03:36.600 shockingly the other way. Like, yeah. Why do you think we forget that feeling then that we can't,

00:03:41.520 uh, that we have to keep going? What do you think some of that comes from? Some of us to drive within

00:03:48.200 like to where it's like we had starvation mentality for so long, you know, that we're still like, I

00:03:52.580 gotta work. I got a job. I got an offer for a gig. And you're like, yeah, those are, we have to be

00:03:56.460 comfortable, you know, like, like, you know, you raise poor. If you're like, Hey, the fucking free

00:04:03.740 breakfast stops at 10, we gotta get down there. And then at some point you're like, I'll just go

00:04:09.400 buy breakfasts, you know? And you're like, Oh, right. Yeah. I guess I don't need the continental.

00:04:15.840 Like, like you gotta just convince yourself that you're, you're fine. That's a good point. I think

00:04:21.040 some of that, probably some of that realization to some of that slowly coming into my own head,

00:04:24.800 like everything's going to be okay. Yeah. Um, I, yeah, I remember we get the continental

00:04:29.780 dude. My mom, sometimes we would go meet my grandparents and we'd stay at like this Howard

00:04:33.720 Johnson. Hojo's bro. Oh, they had it. They were nice. They were nice. They had a nice eating

00:04:39.120 place in there. Yeah. You could eat there. Yeah. The waffle maker. God. Cause then you weren't

00:04:44.840 just eating good. You were, you were like contributing. Yeah. Yeah. You were there. You're

00:04:49.480 like, go make it. Like I can make waffles. Oh, at the concierge breakfast? I'm like a French

00:04:53.780 chef now. Yeah. Yeah. Then you'd forget about it. You have to turn it over. Bro. I wonder

00:05:01.820 how many lawsuits there have been of people who like, just like thick bitches that tore

00:05:07.740 the rotator. It was pre lawsuits too. They were like, this guy fucking burn himself. Like,

00:05:12.700 yeah, you know how people are. Uh, hot, hot irons will do that. Oh, you let your seven year

00:05:16.820 old. Yeah. I probably shouldn't have done that before that one bitch at McDonald's who

00:05:20.480 fucking spilled coffee. And then she sued and won. At that point, everybody had to

00:05:24.440 be like, Hey, no more freedoms for you guys. They ruined it all, man. I used to love the

00:05:29.740 freedoms because yeah, then anything could happen. You mean, you'd meet a guy who like,

00:05:33.380 uh, you'd meet a kid and his eye was like sewn shut from a waffle from like a hot waffle

00:05:37.760 iron. Tell me your story. I try to restart. Remember no face at the comedy store. Oh, we had a comic

00:05:44.440 name. No face because he had like fucking Mac the knife face. Oh, because he tried to fix

00:05:50.000 it. Fucking one of those like things in the back of a boat. It was a, those motors. He

00:05:54.860 got way in. It's like, I know I can fix this. He's fucking on it. And then it was like,

00:05:59.060 woo. No face them. He was not a great comic. His cheeks got remixed, huh? He just got

00:06:10.620 fucking. He was, he had all the sympathy, but he was kind of a dick too. And so he like

00:06:18.640 heckle, but he, you knew he was him heckling. Cause you know, it's like dark in the comedy

00:06:22.500 store. You're like, who's heckling? Cause every heckle be like, you suck. It's like air

00:06:27.320 was escaping from his lack of face. Tell a better joke. Oh, damn. He didn't, he had

00:06:38.220 a valve issue. I saw sometimes the weirdest fans come out. There was a guy who came to

00:06:46.520 the show and he's like, man, you got to meet my cousin. He's the biggest fan of yours.

00:06:50.000 He lost 70% of his skull. Wow. And you want to be like, tell him about the 30%.

00:06:59.220 Well, he would take his hat off and then he would go and his head would literally go like

00:07:06.320 that, dude. I'd be like cartoon surprise. He would go. And you see. Oh, how'd he lose

00:07:16.580 the skull? I don't. Oh, they went into it, man. It was, I thought it was going to be a

00:07:21.080 little bit smoother of a deal. You know, it was something, um, I want to say like, uh,

00:07:26.860 some, the, some of those like electronic double doors or whatever, you know, like at a, you

00:07:31.760 know, uh, you know, like a chase bank bid him or something on the way in or whatever.

00:07:35.920 He just didn't read a soul. It was like closed. I think it's just like, yeah. And I guess

00:07:40.060 the argument in court was that his soul wasn't showing up on those monitors. So it

00:07:43.700 wasn't their fault. Yeah. He should have gone to church more. It wouldn't have been

00:07:46.380 an issue. You go like this in the elevator. Hey buddy, uh, your soul ain't showing up

00:07:55.480 on here. You know, dude, I got back from, um, I don't know where I was France and I

00:08:00.340 got that, uh, global entry. So you don't have to do a meeting. If you just like on

00:08:04.180 your, on your way back, you can do it. So I'm sitting there waiting. Some lady was

00:08:07.200 like, Oh, Hey, I'm a fan of yours. I'm like, Oh, what are you getting your global

00:08:09.400 interest? She goes, no, my, they're not registering my daughter's face. She

00:08:13.600 went full goth. And then machine is like, this ain't her.

00:08:18.960 Damn. I guess it can't tell. So maybe goth is the way out of all of this.

00:08:23.900 Maybe goth's the way out. Maybe Marilyn Manson fans. Cause you don't see a lot of

00:08:27.620 like Asian Marilyn Manson fans or things like that, you know, or like, uh, um, who

00:08:33.380 was that lady who sang happiness? Uh, it was a warm gun. No, no.

00:08:40.500 Oh, the dog days. Oh, Florence and the machine. Yeah. You know, she sang a song.

00:08:46.560 They'll never play again. It's like, uh, about getting beat up. Really? Uh, hit me.

00:08:50.880 What is it? Kiss with a fist. Oh, and they don't play it much anymore. It was such a good

00:08:55.880 fucking banger. It's like, it feels something over nothing. Yeah. And then she's not, she's

00:09:00.960 like, yeah. Well, it's interesting. Cause some people use violence as their form of

00:09:05.360 affection. Uh-huh. That's pretty wild. Um, Jew, man, let's talk about, so let's talk

00:09:10.300 about your, you have, you have a new special out. New special. So the journey of this special

00:09:14.200 is interesting. Cause I remember, yeah. Cause I remember when you were, do you did this

00:09:21.160 like you had started this kind of years ago, right? Yeah. Five and a half years ago.

00:09:25.400 Wow. Yeah. Yeah. It was, it was, uh, canceled a couple of times, but you know, you stopped

00:09:31.780 me on first down and second down. I still got third. I picked it up, you know, third

00:09:35.580 and 14. I picked it up. Jumar chase over here, dude. Um, well, congratulations, man.

00:09:44.300 Thanks. Yeah. I watched about the first 20 minutes. So that's as far as I've gotten

00:09:47.240 nice. That's more than I can watch most comics. Even to put it on is like, is a, is

00:09:53.340 like a, is a nice compliment to be like, Hey, I loaded up your thing. Even if it's like

00:09:57.740 I loaded up, my mom called it. I forgot to, you know, but like just to load it

00:10:01.760 up is like, cool. You know, every comic is like, we know them all. So it's like, we

00:10:05.580 can't watch them all. Yeah. I, um, yeah. And I love the candles. I love the setup kind

00:10:11.000 of, it felt a little scary kind of a little bit. It felt a little like, uh, we'd gone

00:10:15.980 down into a hole in the desert and you were kind of telling me some stories kind of a

00:10:20.020 little bit. Yeah. It's got that campfire vibe where it's just like religious-y kind

00:10:23.460 of feel. Yeah. Indiana had a little bit of an Indiana temple of doom kind of vibe a

00:10:28.280 little bit for me. Yeah. And we will waste your soul away. They're going to

00:10:31.580 steal your fucking heart if you watch it too much. If, uh, if you watch it three

00:10:35.600 times. Yeah. And then it's like, what does it really say when he was like in his

00:10:39.320 heart? What is this? What did he say? He has some words. In Indiana Jones? Yeah. Pull

00:10:45.380 it up. Shalimar. Something like that. Oh yeah. Huh? Shalimar. Fuck. I knew it. It's close.

00:10:51.080 I'm close. Um, so that must've felt great, huh? Yeah. Yeah. I felt great. And it was

00:10:58.200 interesting because if you'd have done it in the beginning, it would have been for

00:11:01.680 Netflix. No. Oh, it wouldn't have been. Yeah. Okay. Sorry. I thought that it was

00:11:05.660 going to be for Netflix and then I ended up on YouTube and that would have seemed

00:11:08.260 like almost a better choice. Uh, yeah, it was always going to be YouTube. It was kind

00:11:14.340 of like before people were putting them on YouTube, I already had the thought of like,

00:11:17.180 no, this is the way it's like, you can get it to everybody. You'll be like early on a

00:11:21.940 platform. Um, you still own it. You still own it. Sure. They can't stick some fucking

00:11:28.460 lady's name on the end of it. As a producer that I'd never met once in my life or ever

00:11:31.860 talked to like, who the fuck is this lady? You guys just stuck on the end of my shit.

00:11:35.720 Yeah. I think credits are important. You can't just stick some fucking lady's name on there.

00:11:39.800 Uh, they'll, yeah, they'll just sticky text and bro. Yeah. I'm like, what? Um, so yeah.

00:11:47.360 And, and it honestly was better. I got to like go back to these jokes like with like a year and a

00:11:52.680 half off and go, Oh, some of this is too long. These setups are too long. Like some of these

00:11:56.880 like, Oh, this is the same joke twice. I can't see if, you know, forest for the trees kind of

00:12:01.200 shit. And then I was able to like edit a lot better. It's a lot better because of all that.

00:12:05.720 How much is it to shoot something like that? This one cost me quite a bit. Um, they're expensive,

00:12:12.720 aren't they? Yeah. You can make them for, for, for very little and you'll still get the jokes

00:12:16.440 across, you know, it'll still be good, but the way I wanted to make it, it costs, it costs,

00:12:22.640 it costs a lot. A couple hundred G two 30. Wow. Yeah. The song costs 20. Oh yeah. Isn't

00:12:28.980 that crazy? You're like, Oh, this song would be great. And I'm like, it's 20 grand. You're

00:12:32.620 like, Oh, it was, it was, it was, uh, it was, um, Satchmo. What's his name? Um, Louie

00:12:38.000 Armstrong. And he was, it was eight grand. I was like, okay, wow. That's not crazy. Fuck.

00:12:43.140 That's a lot of money, but I'll pay for it. They go, well, also there's like a chorus

00:12:46.380 he uses on it. So you got to pay the chorus guy also. I'm like, well, how much is he?

00:12:49.720 He's like, he's 10. I'm like, what? And they go, yeah. And they have favored nation. So

00:12:53.400 it's 10 and 10. Oh, what? They're both from Africa, aren't they? Yeah. That's the favored

00:13:00.640 nation. Oh, I guess it is now, huh? Yeah. It is now. It's a favored nation. I got a promo

00:13:07.080 shirt. Uh, let's get it out. Um, there we go. Ari Shaffir, dude, no more hiding. That's

00:13:17.140 right. Out of the, out of the attic, into your, into your homes. I'm coming out of the

00:13:22.120 attic. Dude, I'll say this about Anne Frank's place. I went there. Yeah. It's two bedroom,

00:13:26.460 two bath. Massive. Overlooking a fucking, uh, uh, river. Oh, it's nice. Perfect location.

00:13:32.200 Oh, geez. Yeah. There's coffee shops everywhere. Oh, what a wonderful spot. I will tell you

00:13:38.000 this. I did it on my last special. There's a, there's like a brunch place. If you're ever

00:13:41.780 in Amsterdam, right below Anne Frank's though. So Anne Frank's is around the corner. And

00:13:46.400 then below, it's like two steps down. It closes like 3 PM. The best grilled cheese sandwich

00:13:50.980 I've ever had in my life. I mean, it is like use four cheeses out of this fucking world.

00:13:56.420 Stop it.

00:13:59.120 You're killing me, dude.

00:14:02.200 Um, is it really the best grilled cheese ever? Stop it. I don't know when else I'm

00:14:07.080 going to be able to use that joke. Yeah. I don't know when else I'm going to be able

00:14:10.560 to use it. Um, you made a joke last time that I missed that. I saw some comments and

00:14:15.920 like, fuck, I felt so bad. I missed it. I forgot what it was. And it was like, what a fucking

00:14:20.880 idiot. When a comic just like, uh-huh. Oh, sometimes you get stuck in podcasts, you're

00:14:25.660 listening, you're trying to be involved in it. Um, dude, thank you so much. This is

00:14:30.560 like, I just, I'm happy to be able to be in a conversation and have a good time. Um,

00:14:35.440 so serious ones. Uh, no, just, I just haven't, you know, like it just like, it feels good

00:14:42.700 to fucking just be having fun. You know, this feels good. The great taste of Celsius goes,

00:14:48.240 feels good going down. It's delicious and low calorie. I assume. Uh, it might be actually

00:14:53.960 only one serving per container. You don't get less servings than that.

00:15:00.560 Yeah. What a stat. Thanks Celsius. All right. Dude, it's funny. Cause I'll, I'll pass up my

00:15:06.800 morning coffee and I'll come, I'll just wait until I get here to have this. Does it have

00:15:09.720 caffeine in it? It has a little bit. Oh, I need some. It's nice, man. Um, so now cause

00:15:15.600 Jew, now Jewish stuff is like, it's been like hot recently, right? Yeah. Yeah. So was it,

00:15:21.040 I'm tired now. Was that a part of the reason? Was it, were you just happened to be putting

00:15:24.020 it out at that time? I was going to do Rogan's podcast. We're going to do a sober October wrap

00:15:27.900 up. And I was like, I had it. And none of these bits are like, are like timely. They're

00:15:33.660 all 5,000 year old source material. Yeah. You know, so it's like, there's no, there's no

00:15:38.720 rush or not rush. Yeah. You know, I took my time editing it. Uh, I went to Paris for like

00:15:43.700 a couple of weeks and people like, where's the edit notes? I'm like, Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry.

00:15:46.740 Sorry. So it's like, all right, you're the boss or you're waiting on you. I'm like, fuck.

00:15:50.540 Yeah. But then, um, I was going to do Rogan's. I was like, that's a good time. I'll just do

00:15:54.100 it the day after I do Rogan's. So as soon as it comes out, I'll just have it. And then

00:15:59.220 fucking it blew up. Yeah. Oh, gold digger fucking dug into the fucking backlogs. I've started

00:16:05.280 promoting it. That's awesome. Yeah. Um, and it, does it feel kind of like revival? Cause

00:16:10.440 you've had some moments of like, kind of like rock. I don't know if it's Rocky moments

00:16:14.600 in your world. Some hurdles. Yeah. I would say you've had some hurdles. I mean, you like

00:16:19.580 to be on the, you like to, you like to play track and field. Yeah. So I like to stir

00:16:23.380 that pot. Yeah. You like to be out there, baby. People get, people get, I stir the pot

00:16:27.040 so much. People around me get enveloped in my pot stirring. Sorry. I got soup on my feet

00:16:34.420 from you, bro. Sorry about the soup. I'm sorry.

00:16:37.480 Waiter. There's a lawyer in my soup. Yeah. If you have any on your pocket, there's a chance

00:16:50.720 you're going to have to contact a lawyer at some point. Um, but so that had to be wild

00:16:57.740 then. So did you feel like, Oh my God, this is like kismet or whatever that I'm, I'm, I'm,

00:17:01.800 I'm putting this thing out and now all there's all this Jewish, like anti or Semite stuff

00:17:07.100 and stuff happening. No, I thought it was going to be the end of it again. I thought

00:17:10.020 it was going to go fourth down. Yeah. Cause I saw a world where they were, the reaction

00:17:16.260 to that was going to be overly protective and they go anything that's even remotely

00:17:21.500 antisemitic where they wouldn't get a joke. They don't know what irony is, you know, like

00:17:25.520 anything remotely, we're just killing it so that we don't have to worry about being

00:17:28.940 called antisemitic. I could see a world where that would happen.

00:17:31.800 There's a chef. You can pull it up. I don't know if you can. This guy has like a pancake

00:17:36.800 mix company, black guy. And the logo of his company is, is him with one of those big chef's

00:17:42.840 hats. And he, you know, he like was promoting his stuff and Instagram or Facebook doesn't

00:17:48.220 matter. Same, same. They, they're like, that's racist. Take it down. And he goes, what?

00:17:52.160 Right. That's me. It's my company. They're like, nah, it's racist. He goes, what? Racist.

00:17:56.680 I'm him and I'm a chef. They're like, nah, dude, come on. That's racist.

00:18:00.440 Yeah. Uncle P's. It might not be Uncle P's. It's someone like that.

00:18:04.020 Oh shit. That's Master P's. That's Master P's. It ain't that one.

00:18:06.300 Uncle P has pancake mix.

00:18:07.780 Yeah. And it's like, and it just looks too reminiscent. So they went overboard and they

00:18:12.040 fucking didn't let this guy promote his own black owned business. And so I could see a

00:18:16.820 world where that would happen. And I get it also from their point of view. They're like,

00:18:20.160 I don't know. Damn, bro. Yeah. These all look so racist now. Everything does. Damn. Black

00:18:28.120 people look racist. Well, I think it's like, yeah. If black people are in the kitchen, you

00:18:33.660 can't be in that. You can't be cooking anymore. Blacks. Oh dude. If a black guy even brings

00:18:37.580 my food out, I don't even know how to eat anymore. It's like, Hey, you're doing this because

00:18:41.220 you want to, right? You're free of your own volition to come and go.

00:18:43.740 I'm like, just set it down. I'll meet you halfway. I'll go get it. I'll go. Just tell

00:18:49.840 me it's up or don't just kind of signal in some way. Oh man, dude. Yeah. So I was worried

00:18:56.780 about that happening. Really? Cause that's funny. Cause I would think the other thing

00:18:59.780 like people would be more, there would probably be more support for it. Sure. But I was like,

00:19:05.520 I wasn't looking for that when I thought of putting it out. So I was like, don't let it

00:19:08.980 go away. There is a world you could see where that could happen. Oh, totally. I mean,

00:19:13.540 it's hard to have any type of, um, it's hard to have any type of irony these

00:19:17.520 days, you know? Um, did you feel, do you, is your, especially, is it

00:19:23.380 anti-Semitical? No, no, no, it's not the word, but, um, uh, no, it's not. It's

00:19:28.780 very reverential and whatever, but also like, yeah, you make fun of yourself. Yeah.

00:19:32.380 Yeah. You remember Stevie Z? He died. Uh, Davey Wester. No. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He

00:19:40.340 died. Nope. Nope. Sorry, dude. Oh damn. He's still living. Still with us. But

00:19:46.040 you know, he has cerebral palsy and when he fell, since he's our friend, we'd

00:19:48.680 make fun of him. People would have cared more right there if you'd have said he

00:19:50.300 died probably, which is a sadder process. Hey Davey, if you're out there and you

00:19:55.140 want to help this podcast, kill yourself. No, no, no. Theo Vaughn said kill

00:20:00.540 yourself. I didn't. The views of the guests on this podcast are represented by the

00:20:05.400 podcast itself. Kill yourself. Do it. Kill yourself. God, I feel like I'm in the

00:20:11.640 cheapest, uh, saw movie. It's like, did you have like a trap? Nah, we couldn't

00:20:20.160 afford this. Well, it's like that girl that texted her boyfriend. He's like, oh,

00:20:23.460 my car's broken down. She's like, I bet you won't kill yourself. He's like, damn,

00:20:27.300 maybe I should kill myself. Like have some balls, dude. Think it out. Yeah. That's

00:20:31.840 just he told him you don't have any balls. Yeah. I'll show you. Yeah. Do

00:20:35.700 something else, dude. Damn. Dude, eat some fucking brother cakes. Don't fucking

00:20:41.320 get out there and take your own life. Hey, have you ever been on squid

00:20:45.900 billies? No. You should get on that show. People always ask me about squid

00:20:50.040 billies. That's one of the best shows in the world. And I just, I saw something I

00:20:53.120 thought was a squid. And then you, it's that on that belt. It looks like squid

00:20:56.980 legs. Oh yeah. You should do squid bellies, man. They would love you. I would love

00:21:01.820 to be on that, but you should be on that. I think I reached out to them about

00:21:04.260 trying to do a cartoon or something at some point and they didn't want to do

00:21:06.840 it. Oh, Adult Swim is done now. Anyway. Yeah. Adult Swim fucking, somebody

00:21:11.220 pulled the drain. We hope you're enjoying your Air Canada flight. Rocky's

00:21:14.920 vacation. Here we come. Whoa. Is this economy? Free beer, wine, and snacks. Sweet.

00:21:22.880 Fast free Wi-Fi means I can make dinner reservations before we land. And with

00:21:27.280 live TV, I'm not missing the game. It's kind of like I'm already on vacation. Nice.

00:21:34.300 On behalf of Air Canada, nice travels. Wi-Fi available to airplane members on

00:21:38.980 equipped flights. Sponsored by Bell. Conditions apply. CRCanada.com.

00:21:41.940 Did you, because did you feel like, was there a lot of, because anti-Semitic. Yeah, it's not

00:21:51.240 anti-Semitic, but it is making fun of our own. So I was going to say, when Davey

00:21:53.840 Wester were like, me and Renazisi saw Davey Wester trying to get a straw in his

00:21:56.980 mouth, but you know, those double doors, the saloon doors, the door. We were looking

00:22:00.420 and he was trying to get the straw and he kept like missing it and kept like trying

00:22:03.960 to get it. And man, we were dying. And then eventually he's like, sees we're laughing.

00:22:08.760 And he's like, fuck you guys. And it was so fucking fun because we love him. And we're

00:22:14.380 like, we know this is your disability and you're trying to overcome it. And that is

00:22:18.000 funny that you're failing. Oh, totally, man. I mean, it's, I think some of that is

00:22:22.120 interesting because I'll have a friend who will like go to therapy all the time. And

00:22:25.580 I know, and that, I mean, and even myself, and that's our disability. And there's times

00:22:29.820 where I'll laugh at it. Or if a friend makes a joke about it, I'll laugh, you know, it's

00:22:33.080 like, it's funny. You want to be dark. Like I thought about killing myself again. You're

00:22:36.220 like, I know you're serious. That is funny. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes you want to

00:22:40.140 be dark. Yeah. Um, so yeah, no, it's not anti-Semitic, but there is like some making

00:22:44.740 fun of Jews. There's a difference. Is there, yeah. Cause I feel like sometimes you can't

00:22:49.860 even say Jew and then you, everything is anti-Semitic. It's, it's, it's literal people.

00:22:54.040 It's going like, like, um, you can make fun of the president. You can be like, uh, oh, the

00:22:59.000 president fell off his bike and you're like, why do you hate America? You know? Right. And

00:23:02.620 it's like, no, I'm just making fun of his fucking, his shirt's untucked. Yeah. Like

00:23:06.400 you can, you know? Oh, totally. There's this, uh, a Bobcat Goldthwait had this great story

00:23:12.040 about being on a, on a plane and there's a bunch of down syndrome kids on the plane and

00:23:16.120 they had to make a semi emergency landing. I think they couldn't figure out if the, if

00:23:19.140 the wheels could come out or not. And they didn't know. So they're like, Hey, we have

00:23:21.920 to burn off fuel. We don't know if it's going to be a crash landing or not. Our sensors

00:23:24.820 aren't working. Um, we're going to have fire trucks, like on the premises waiting

00:23:29.140 for us, you know, and all these downstairs, everyone's so worried. These downstairs

00:23:32.200 are like fire trucks, fire trucks. And now there's a person that goes, well, airplane

00:23:37.200 jokes are hacky. And you're like, Oh no, you don't understand this at all. You're

00:23:42.640 trying to weigh in. Yeah. Dude, this is about perception. Yeah. Yeah. Um, interesting

00:23:50.940 man. I think, uh, yeah, because that's one thing is sometimes it's like you can say

00:23:55.240 almost anything, but if you say the word Jew, then people, and it makes it, Oh, is

00:23:58.560 this right? Is that a no, no word? It makes it not even fun. It makes it like, I

00:24:02.180 can't even joke. I get scared to joke around with some of my Jewish friends or

00:24:06.100 I feel like I need to ask permission if I can joke sometimes. Like, I don't know.

00:24:10.460 Yeah. You know what? This is that weird world that we're in now. You listen to

00:24:12.940 these fucking dorks too much and you start feeling weird and you're like, and

00:24:16.240 you realize most of us are just comics. Like we're cool. You know, there's all

00:24:20.740 every week. Somebody walks out angry from the comedy store or from one of your

00:24:24.700 shows probably to, you know, you're doing a thousand people in a night. Two

00:24:28.180 people are going to leave angry. Yeah. You can't be worried about them.

00:24:30.980 Sometimes you see him leave. Somebody see him leave. Yeah. I got a complaint in, in, in, um,

00:24:34.900 Chicago, two separate couples, old couples left five minutes apart. Their kids told

00:24:40.140 them to go see me. And they both said the same thing to the management. It's not

00:24:43.300 enough that he's making fun of the death of children. It's that everyone else is

00:24:46.780 laughing about it. They're dragging him on. And it's like, yeah, get out of here.

00:24:51.760 You're not four year. You can't stop doing it. Cause of those two dorks. Their kids

00:24:55.080 are probably sitting at home and be like, we knew they'd fucking hate him. Yeah. Yeah.

00:24:58.000 Yeah. Yeah. Totally. Fire truck, fire truck. Um, what do you think about this? All right.

00:25:04.240 We got some news that popped up here, man. Thanks. Speaking about what's that. We

00:25:08.080 talking about the fishing scandal people. Oh yeah. Did you see that? I'm going to jail.

00:25:12.280 Those people are going to jail over some fucking trout. Are they going to jail? I think so.

00:25:16.220 Yeah. Wasn't it so crazy? The guys just standing there. Can you bring up that

00:25:19.340 fishing? Lance Armstrong skated on it. These fishermen are going to jail. Those

00:25:25.140 teams are like, it's seriously swamp people. Don't fuck around. The French are

00:25:29.820 like, you learned your lesson, but the swamp people like, nah, dude, you gotta be

00:25:33.020 punished. Two men accused of cheating in an Ohio fishing tournament scandal have

00:25:37.140 been indicted. Indicted is high level arrest. Is it? Well, apparently these guys

00:25:41.520 actually like they, they like five different guys. They took away their like yearly

00:25:46.080 income because like this, the amount that they won for this is not a small

00:25:49.780 amount. Yeah. How much, what do you win? What if you're the top level fucking, let's

00:25:53.780 guess. What do you think? This tournament? Oh, oh, this tournament alone. I think top

00:25:59.360 prize, $28,000. Ooh, I might be too high. No, I think I was going to go 35,000. Let's

00:26:06.460 see. It's a 29,000. And I don't want to say the J word right there, but you know what I was

00:26:13.360 going to say? I drew them down one. I drew them down one. You gotta make a cut to the

00:26:17.640 organizer. I think you, yeah, you gotta cut to the organizer. Larry Fishburne. David Silver's

00:26:23.220 gotta get his cut. Yeah. Fishburne. Fishstein. Yeah. Troutburne. Troutstein.

00:26:33.000 This was a, wasn't this crazy though? They put weights in it, but they, they would do too much.

00:26:37.060 It's like those guys taking roids, like take a little bit of roids. Don't get the fucking

00:26:40.680 Barry Bonds bionic head. Yeah. You take too much. Just put a little bit of weight in

00:26:45.100 there. Put a fucking one gold coin in there. Don't put, in fact, don't, you don't want to

00:26:49.780 pick up this and be like, it feels fucking like 80 pounds. What the fuck? Yeah. Every

00:26:54.740 one of the fish, it was crazy because they'd have like a huge fish and then a little fish

00:26:59.720 and the little fish was weighing the same as the huge fish. Two guys had to pick up the

00:27:03.160 little fish. What the fuck? Crazy. Yeah. Like something's up. Like, I don't know what you're

00:27:08.840 talking about. Apparently like a bigger fish ate one of the little fish and just sunk to

00:27:12.780 the bottom of the, of the pond and they ripped these dudes. They ripped them apart. And the

00:27:18.460 one guy stood there like he didn't know. I would have jetted. Yeah. Go, go, get on your

00:27:23.460 fucking speed boat and go, go live, go live. You know how to, you, you've taught a man to

00:27:28.180 fish. You can do it, you know, not as well as the other guys, but you can earn yourself

00:27:33.240 a fucking meal. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I would have been out of there, man. And they just stood

00:27:38.560 there. Teach a man to cheat and fishing and hell fish. The guy just pulled, I mean, he

00:27:42.560 pulled a kettlebell out of once. I love that they were like, it's like a man got caught

00:27:45.340 cheating. He was like, wow, that's crazy. This fish must have been eating lead weights.

00:27:49.060 Yeah. Here they go. Yeah. Oh my God. Oh damn, these fish must have been hot.

00:27:53.740 Wow. Pieces of other fish. He should have just done that. Oh, it's very Dom or ask when

00:28:09.300 you get to that part. He just standing right there. He's like, watch it.

00:28:15.060 Refund all that fucking money. Wow. Refund all that fucking money. So what did he get

00:28:26.180 it? And then we got home with it and they came back for another time. But we'll go on

00:28:30.320 Zach. I think they win money throughout the season. So they're like, this isn't just now

00:28:35.360 you got to give back everything. It's like why Barry Bonds is not in the hall. They're

00:28:39.720 like, we don't know when this started. Oh, it's true. He was, you could see a guy being

00:28:43.560 caught. He's in the midst of freezing. It's flight or fright or freeze, you know? And

00:28:49.180 he's just like, he's just hoping it ends. He doesn't know what to do. Yes. He should

00:28:53.240 get the fuck out of there. Yeah. You got to just run. Yeah. No, they'll chase him

00:28:57.500 down. That now that's a good point. If he starts running, he'd have been probably a

00:29:01.040 dead man. Yeah. It's like if a dog's barking at, if you start running, that dog is going

00:29:04.000 to get you. Oh, it's true. Huh? Yeah. Yeah. There's something about that. Once you run, it

00:29:08.920 makes something else want to chase you. Stop. Don't let him run. Yeah. You have to be calm

00:29:12.820 and calm them around you. Yeah. Cheating and fishing. Refund that money. It's just, it's

00:29:18.940 part, it's sad. It's just kind of the world we're in. A lot of cheating out there, you

00:29:22.700 know? A lot of people were just cutting corners, I guess. But I don't know. Everybody else there

00:29:26.840 seemed pretty pissed and seemed like maybe, maybe it's just these guys. Sucks. You're

00:29:31.020 fucking playing a game. You were cheating the whole time. So I was like, what the fuck?

00:29:34.400 Come on. That's why I love a tour de France when they took it away from Lenny Armstrong.

00:29:39.820 Oh, yeah. And they were like, we got to give it to the guy who came in second place. And

00:29:42.660 they're like, nah, he was Royden too. And they're like, fuck, third? Like, Royden. You

00:29:46.740 know how far? 17. Uh-uh. They had to give it to the number 17 guy. And I'm like, he didn't

00:29:51.140 even finish the same day. He fucking finished on Tuesday. They all came in fucking, you know,

00:29:57.540 through the palace on Sunday. That guy rolled up, took a break, stopped for the night.

00:30:01.220 He goes, man, I've lost. I don't know. And then he's like, tortoise in the hair. You

00:30:04.160 know, as long as you finish, who knows? He's not even a cyclist. It's just a black guy

00:30:07.980 in a chef's hat. He's an Uber Eats guy. And he's like, oh, he just came to the fucking

00:30:13.760 play Royale. Did you see this? You saw Trump's backup. Trump's backup. What? Let's play it.

00:30:21.440 Hard on? No, if he got a heart, I mean, he's. Oh, Trump in order. Great and glorious again.

00:30:26.980 I am tonight announcing my candidacy for president of the United States.

00:30:31.560 I love the breaking news at the bottom. Trump expected to announce presidential

00:30:37.980 bid at any moment. Like, yeah, he just did it. Fucking Ticker. Get with it, Ticker.

00:30:41.960 You're fucking behind the times. Yeah, Ticker's almost like that autistic buddy you have.

00:30:46.960 Uh-huh. Hey, Ticker. And that was always a name they had for somebody that had autism

00:30:50.580 or whatever. Ticker, because he's a tick. Ticker, button. Hey, button. Where is this?

00:30:55.780 Tell him, button. Tell him, button. Mar-a-Lago. It's Mar-a-Lago.

00:30:59.280 What do you think about this? He's going to win, right? What do you think?

00:31:03.880 I don't know. I don't follow politics at all, so. I don't follow him much either.

00:31:06.900 It does. It is interesting because I like the tears of the righteous. And man, this guy

00:31:12.840 makes them flow. It's fun for me to watch their tears.

00:31:16.760 Well, even when you saw Dave Chappelle saying that, did you see that bit that he talked about

00:31:19.980 Trump? He goes, I'm not. I remember him before he goes, but he was running. He goes, I'm not

00:31:24.820 going to vote for him. I'll vote for Hillary, but I don't like it. Yeah.

00:31:28.800 You know? Yeah. Do you see that? Can you find that clip, Zach, where he said the other

00:31:32.740 day during his SNL thing about why people liked Trump, which is the original-

00:31:39.460 How old is Trump now? Damn, so he's eight years past where he was before. He was already

00:31:43.580 old then. You think he's still fucking?

00:31:47.880 Yeah.

00:31:48.540 You think Trump's still fucking?

00:31:49.480 I think one of his top goals, I think he's getting probably exomes and stem cells into that.

00:31:54.180 It's probably smart to take the four years off because then you extend your time being

00:31:58.760 at the top. You're on four, off four, but that off four, you're still a former president.

00:32:03.780 You're still a G.

00:32:04.720 Yeah, and then on four again, and then your next four, you were just a president. So

00:32:07.960 you really get 16 years out of that if you run it right.

00:32:10.540 And you get to bounce back and kind of like see whatever didn't work maybe the first time.

00:32:14.720 I don't know if in Trump's case he's able to do that.

00:32:16.760 You know what, Trump? You should change the constitution to eight consecutive years. So that way you

00:32:21.300 can do it eight full years this time. That's what Hitler did. That's what Hitler did. Rewrite

00:32:26.860 that constitution.

00:32:27.700 Did he?

00:32:28.300 Yeah. You rewrite that constitution, anything goes. Did it in Ecuador too. Rewrite the constitution.

00:32:33.060 Damn.

00:32:33.680 Yeah.

00:32:34.500 Ecuador, huh?

00:32:35.780 Yeah, I knew a real liberal comic and she couldn't understand. She was like, what the fuck

00:32:39.540 when Trump won? And I was like, well, you've never gotten out of your limo. You've never

00:32:44.020 gone to Dayton. These people are depressed and they're looking for answers. You've never talked

00:32:49.360 to them. You live in your fucking gated apartment building, you know, where no one's allowed in.

00:32:53.420 You have your fucking doorman wearing an SS outfit. Yeah. Like you have no idea what a human is like.

00:32:58.320 So you're like, what? Like, right, right. You've sheltered yourself.

00:33:01.600 Yeah. Look on, Zach, look on Twitter, please, where they look at Chappelle, SNL, Trump.

00:33:09.040 This is what I thought was interesting. He said, some people don't understand why people like Trump.

00:33:15.740 He goes, when he first was in the debates.

00:33:20.300 He was so funny.

00:33:21.460 And they asked him about the.

00:33:23.700 The media went so far overboard and tried to discredit him that they eventually got caught

00:33:27.480 like just misleading the truth.

00:33:29.940 Yeah. Remember that Russia thing? Never was anything.

00:33:32.020 Not only was it never anything, was invented by Hillary Clinton's side. So let's just say

00:33:36.380 she didn't know, but it was invented by a Democratic side and pushed so that they never go, oh,

00:33:40.960 fuck, maybe we got to look at these liars over here. They just go, move past it. So it was like,

00:33:44.540 if you're not going to apologize, it's like, if you tell me you're going to pick me up from

00:33:46.740 the airport and then you don't and you never apologize, I don't think you're going to pick

00:33:52.180 me up from the airport next time. I can't trust you're going to do it. If you said, dude,

00:33:55.760 I'm so sorry. My alarm didn't go off. It's like, I can tell you're sorry.

00:33:58.940 Yeah.

00:33:59.540 But these people never owned up to anything I did. And so it's like, I heard, I was randomly

00:34:03.800 in my car and I was listening to Trump on like NPR doing a state of the union address

00:34:07.800 or something. And he goes, uh, this MS 13, this fucking group from Mexico, there's like the

00:34:13.420 drug dealers and fucking smugglers. And he goes, they're terrible people. They're, they're,

00:34:16.840 they're, they're gang members. Um, and they're rapists and you know, they're terrible people.

00:34:21.700 And then the headline, I was like, Oh, I wonder how they're going to play. The headline the

00:34:24.500 next day is Trump calls Mexicans rapists. And I'm like, damn, it's not a lie, but it

00:34:28.880 sure ain't the truth. And eventually he did it so many times. We're like, we don't believe

00:34:32.620 you guys.

00:34:33.900 Yeah. I think, well, that's one thing. I think people don't believe the news anymore. Some

00:34:36.640 people still do believe the news and I'm not saying believe the news in favor of any

00:34:40.660 person. Yeah. I haven't seen that Chappelle monologue, but they're like, Oh, it's

00:34:43.480 anti-Semitic. I'm like, I guarantee it's not. Yeah. I've seen enough of these. Every

00:34:46.740 time you see a comic went too far, I'm just like, without watching it. No, he didn't.

00:34:51.020 Yeah. Let's see what he says right here. If he says about this Trump thing, if this

00:34:54.540 is it, first of all, nice jacket, Dave Chappelle, you look like, you look like a

00:34:57.800 fucking, um, what's that guy's name? Talking about, talking about, I'm talking about

00:35:01.940 David Hasselhoff. No, he does look like David Hasselhoff. The black dude.

00:35:06.960 You might believe this is the end of his era. I'm just being honest with you. I live

00:35:10.440 in Ohio amongst the poor whites. A lot of you don't understand why Trump was so popular,

00:35:19.380 but I get it because I hear it every day. He's very loved. And the reason he's loved

00:35:25.680 is because people in Ohio have never seen somebody like him. He's what I call an honest

00:35:31.340 liar. Well, I'm not joking right now. He's an honest liar. That first debate, that first

00:35:38.860 debate, I've never seen anything like it. I've never seen a white male billionaire screaming

00:35:44.660 at the top of his lungs. This whole system is rigged, he said. And across the stage was

00:35:51.020 a white woman, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, sitting over there looking at him like,

00:35:54.340 no, it's not. I said, now, wait a minute, bro. It's what he said. And the moderator said,

00:36:00.560 well, Mr. Trump, if in fact the system is rigged, as you suggest, what would be your evidence?

00:36:08.360 Remember what he said, bro? He said, I know the system is rigged because I use it.

00:36:16.660 Pause it for a second. God damn.

00:36:18.780 Yeah, that's crazy, man. Yeah. Also, in my special, Ari Shaffer Jew, you will not go that

00:36:24.640 long without a laugh. There is no period of that entire special where you will go a full

00:36:31.120 minute. Shaffer's definitely bought a lot of time where he's granted a lot of grace.

00:36:35.160 He's so cool sounding, but I'm like, damn, dude. Yeah, get to it. Punch that middle part

00:36:39.500 up. But I think that's one thing. That's the thing that I originally thought was fascinating

00:36:43.960 about Trump. I'm like, he's not a politician. He's not a politician. So he has the chance,

00:36:48.220 at least if it's possible. Just speak real. To get in there and do at least put shine of

00:36:54.700 some sort of a light on whatever we don't know. Yeah. Because he's not one of the two

00:36:59.320 sides. He's not part of the fucking garden. Yeah. It's too bad he's looking out for himself

00:37:03.120 and business interests too much. It's too bad you get a sort of an evil one in there

00:37:06.200 without doing that. Right. If it would have been somebody else, it could have been interesting.

00:37:09.500 Bernie maybe or somebody who's like, hey, come on, we got to help you. Let's get these guys

00:37:12.980 out of prison. Yeah. Just talking normal. Not like, and we're going to take it. And we're going to go to Washington.

00:37:17.560 We're going to change a little bit. It's like, fuck you. You ain't one of us.

00:37:21.080 Yeah. Yeah. I think he got then. I think his, I think at that point, something.

00:37:25.640 They just wanted to change. I think people like, fuck the system.

00:37:28.580 That's what they want. They wanted to fuck that. That's what I want.

00:37:30.480 How come all these billionaires got more billions during COVID when we're all suffering?

00:37:34.060 I know. Who's doing that? And rich people making rich laws for rich people.

00:37:38.720 Yeah. I can't afford a lawyer when I get arrested. They just have my retainer. So of course

00:37:43.080 they're going to get off easy. Well, it does start to feel in the world. Like we've got

00:37:46.940 to go to where they're doing it. We've got to climb some walls. We've got to take care

00:37:52.140 of business. Yeah. But it's not good. I feel like I used to feel like the government was

00:37:58.400 the best. I don't know if I, I feel like the government's bought out. Right. But that's

00:38:01.400 what I said. They're one step down. Yeah. The businesses put the government in charge to

00:38:06.100 like, keep us all going. That's what it seems like. Right. Yeah. It's like owner. And then

00:38:10.080 the government is like, the government's like managerial. Right. Supervisors. That's

00:38:13.940 what it feels like. Yeah. And they're like, they'll get theirs too. You know, they'll make

00:38:18.020 sure to get theirs, but they're not the real ones. Right. They're just kind of a liaison

00:38:21.980 now between big business and human, regular, regular folks. Yeah. Yeah. That's what it feels

00:38:28.640 like. Anyway, not to be a downer, but that's, that right there is what I thought was fascinating

00:38:32.940 about Trump from the beginning was like, fuck, maybe there's a chance. Yeah. When she goes,

00:38:37.120 you're cheating on a taxi. He goes, I know I'd be a fool not to. Yeah. What do you mean?

00:38:41.760 Yeah. I have great fucking tax attorneys. Yeah. Play the rest of that clip. There might

00:38:45.560 be, it might be on there. That was basically the end of that clip. Okay. Well, okay. See,

00:38:52.640 and that could be, we don't know if it is or not, but that could be an out of context.

00:38:56.780 No, just big digital telling us that's the end of the clip. That's enough. I got a call.

00:38:59.920 It's actually the end of the clip. Yeah. Oh, okay. Please use crest when you're brushing your

00:39:05.780 teeth. Everyone gets white smiles of crest. You could do no wrong. Sorry. Yeah. Sorry

00:39:11.160 about talking. Um, does that feel like what it's getting to sometimes? Do you feel like

00:39:15.740 overlords? You can't say certain things. Do you feel like we're getting there? Dude,

00:39:20.000 I had Milo Yiannopoulos on my podcast. You did? Yeah. A long time ago. Um, and he's like,

00:39:25.080 kind of like a gay flavor, Flav, right? In what way? Like he's like a hype man or something.

00:39:30.780 He's a hype man. He's a troll. Oh, he is. He says stuff just to piss people off. Oh,

00:39:35.480 and then it does piss people off and they go, you're a troll. Fuck it. And they hate

00:39:38.920 that he's gay. He's married to a black dude. Oh, he's married to a black dude. Yeah. Oh,

00:39:42.960 wow. He's so liberal, but he's conservative. And so he's like the, the tears of the liberals

00:39:48.920 get me hard. Oh yeah. Yeah. So I had him on my podcast just talk about how he's a troll

00:39:53.400 and not this like evil, whatever. And he keeps trying to go into them like, Hey, you're

00:39:56.820 not fooling me. You know that, that this thing, the white power sign. So he goes him on,

00:40:01.560 on 4chan, which I think is not a fucking, it's, it not this evil. It's, it's a troll

00:40:07.040 group. Right. I think what's the best way to troll people is go conservative that people

00:40:11.640 hate that. So it's like, then do that. You know, right. I always say online. Yeah.

00:40:14.880 Online. So we go, let's invent a fake, a fake sign. That means nothing. And they go, let's

00:40:20.280 do this. We'll call it white power. So then he's like, all right, how do we get it out there?

00:40:24.620 And they're all like, I don't know. Let's just go slowly. We'll see whatever. And then Milo's

00:40:28.580 just with the president randomly, you know, on a, on a platform and they're all taking

00:40:33.660 pictures. And he goes, Oh shit, they're taking pictures. And he just goes like that. And

00:40:37.600 people are like, what's that sign? And then they showed those fucking kids. The one that

00:40:40.940 was the Indian was yelling at, you know, and they see them, their basketball, look, they're

00:40:44.900 going like this. And like, no, that's a three point. Steph Curry is doing that. Yeah.

00:40:49.140 It's like, they don't even understand it. And he got them all upset. And now there's a

00:40:53.040 fight. It was even better. Yeah. Now there's a fight between the left and the right. You

00:40:56.620 can't take away this sign. We're fuck you. It's racist. And it means nothing. He

00:41:00.800 trolled them both. I had on my podcast, Ari Shaffir Skeptic. And I was just talking

00:41:05.400 about trolling and the origins of it and how he does it. And I got demonetized on

00:41:09.920 YouTube. No. Yeah. For having him on. I had to start a new account. You can no longer

00:41:14.400 make any money on YouTube for just hearing that we're wrong about him. It's wild. So

00:41:21.300 yeah, a few times you got to like consider it, but at the same time it's like, eh, I make

00:41:25.440 money on the road, you know? Yeah. You've always been brave. You've always

00:41:29.700 had that, you know, like you've always not really mattered where the spoon is coming from

00:41:34.580 as much, or that's what it seemed like from an outsider's perspective. Yeah. Yeah. It's

00:41:38.480 like, yeah. Patrice would talk about it. If you, if you owe them, they're going to call

00:41:42.040 on that favor, you know? It's like, eh, just like guys, we got to be true to ourselves.

00:41:47.400 And at some point it's like, well, we need you to do this. Like, I don't want to, that's

00:41:51.660 not funny. I don't want to do that. Oh yeah. You know? Well that great, that, that, that's

00:41:56.100 definitely, I think happened over the years, especially with like Hollywood, like, you

00:41:59.200 know, like comedy central sent me some offer the other day. It was like six episodes of

00:42:03.260 something and it was like $1,500 an episode or something, you know? And it was just, and

00:42:07.760 it was very nice, but it was like, I pitched three shows to you guys that you guys fucking

00:42:13.720 passed on. And then now you should just like, don't you have any fucking cooth even as a,

00:42:19.900 as a, you know, it's almost like you walk past me a million times in the dog kennel.

00:42:25.420 And then finally, when I have a collar, yeah, exactly. Like I'll come on over to you.

00:42:30.240 I've got an owner. You come by and ask me if I want to fucking come in.

00:42:33.900 I got some great advice from Eddie Griffin once. He told me, uh, I booked my first commercial.

00:42:39.520 It was like a big commercial. Back then that was like some level of success, you know? And

00:42:43.420 I remember this chick, it was at Dublin. She would never give me the time. She literally

00:42:46.860 wouldn't say hi back to me when I said hello. Then I'm on a commercial and she was like,

00:42:51.700 oh, hi, I saw your commercial. I was like, you're treating me well now? I was telling

00:42:55.920 Eddie Griffin about it. I go, so what's your question? Like he was already made it a little

00:42:59.220 bit. And he's like, so like, you don't know how to like treat them because they were like

00:43:01.780 such dicks to you. And now, you know, they're only being nice because you're doing well.

00:43:05.960 I was like, yeah. He goes, here's what you do. Have sex with them.

00:43:09.900 Wow.

00:43:10.380 Because that's your revenge. Have sex with them.

00:43:12.560 Oh, really? Huh? Yeah. If you're good at sex, if not, it's just fucking.

00:43:18.200 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It is. It is. Robbie from, uh, from when he was still at, uh, uh,

00:43:23.980 Montreal, he would do this great thing where he'd call people like Whitney and he'd be like,

00:43:28.340 just to call not to do anything, not to get them going. Just go, Hey, sorry. I missed the boat on

00:43:33.840 you. I know you showcase for new faces a bunch and we didn't take you. And clearly looking back,

00:43:38.000 we were wrong. Anyway, no offer or anything. I just want you to know that. And if comedy central

00:43:42.260 called you with no offer, just say, Hey, I, and it wasn't me. I wasn't at this position before,

00:43:46.820 but someone else here was, I know you blame the whole company just so you know, we're happy for

00:43:50.880 your success. Clearly we missed the boat. So that fucked us over. Yeah. And we're sorry about that.

00:43:56.180 I hope you're having a good day. Yeah. There's, Oh, it would have been nice. There's nothing,

00:43:59.960 nothing. But then if they come to you six months later, like, Hey, you want to do this? I do like,

00:44:03.480 maybe you guys seem cool. That apology. I didn't pick you up from the airport. I should have. I'm

00:44:08.620 sorry. You can't just skate by it. Yeah. You got to own up to it. That's fascinating, man. That's a

00:44:14.120 good point. That's a real good point, man. I think a lot of that is just like, yeah, making some amends,

00:44:19.160 having some, uh, I didn't do that right. And I'm sorry. It's just like I've had, I mean,

00:44:24.740 I've had people turn on me left and right. So you know how few of them ever said, Hey man,

00:44:28.780 I shouldn't have done that. Okay. Forgiven. But most of them just go, I hope it goes away.

00:44:33.760 Yeah. And then when you come successful, like my friends have, they go, how are you doing? Like,

00:44:38.200 you don't think I remember? They don't, they don't. That's the worst, man. I've had it.

00:44:45.360 You got another Celsius back there. Uh, Zach, or can you have Colin grab one? Thank you. That's the

00:44:50.380 worst one. I've had friends that have gotten successful that had done me wrong. And I still

00:44:54.480 had to be like, not like subservient to them, but I, I knew I was never going to get any

00:45:03.660 like apology or something, you know, I guess it's just life though. Huh? Yeah. I've had

00:45:08.660 people, um, thank you. That's five cents. I've had people apologize to Rogan about what

00:45:16.880 they said to me. And it's like, Oh, what a weird Hollywood thing. You'll say you're sorry

00:45:22.400 to the famous guy because you're afraid he might turn on you, but never to the guy you

00:45:28.200 actually wronged or you'll wait to the famous guy called you out and go, okay, I shouldn't

00:45:31.640 have done that. And it's like, be a fucking man, man or woman, but be an adult.

00:45:36.920 It's hard. And most of the women are trying to be men. Let's be honest. So it's like,

00:45:40.160 be a man, be a man, be a fucking man, be a man ladies. Sorry. I got us off on a, on a not

00:45:46.300 funny track. Yeah. Yeah. Um, what about dating? What's up in the day in the love

00:45:52.080 life? I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. Welcome. These dudes butts, man. They're so hungry

00:45:57.800 for my cock. Are they really? Yeah. Have you been doing, you haven't, you don't do

00:46:01.340 gay stuff, huh? Sometimes you gotta get in there and mix it up. I've never done it,

00:46:05.780 man. I, uh, I think if I was in like the mill or a war or something, maybe. Yeah. How

00:46:12.720 long in the zombie apocalypse would it take for you to fuck a, fuck a butt? No

00:46:17.600 women or woman. Have you ever fucked a woman, but I've probably been around. Yeah. I've

00:46:24.700 done what I could anyway. It's a real, it's, it looks easier on, in a draw, you

00:46:29.700 know, you still got to still do hugging conventions. It looks easier in, Oh, you

00:46:33.560 mean the orgasmic meditation conventions, the huggings you go over and like cuddle

00:46:37.680 with people. No, I never did that. What I did was the orgasmic meditation. What is

00:46:40.940 that? They just had a documentary on it. Actually. I just watched a little bit of

00:46:44.520 it. Oh no. On the orgasmic meditation. It was called one taste. This was a

00:46:50.320 program. I thought, yeah, you had to go over and keep, keep women company. Yeah.

00:46:55.820 So this was the program, man. It's so funny. You mentioned that dude, you have

00:46:58.900 such a good memory. So there was short term gone long term is still there. Yeah. I

00:47:04.060 talked about it 10 years ago. That's why this one, uh, they had a, they had this

00:47:08.180 orgasm incorporated. She's cute. She can get it. That chick can get it. She is

00:47:12.700 the creator of it. I think her name was Audra something. She can call herself

00:47:15.640 whatever she wants. So she, um, this was orgasmic meditation. I got invited by the

00:47:22.060 lady that does Tommy pickles voice on rug rats. Right. So she invited me, I met her

00:47:28.360 on a podcast and she invites me down to this meditation thing. Her brother, I think

00:47:33.340 had been in prison and he was there. So next thing I know, I walk in, it's like

00:47:38.420 this kind of nice ambiance. It's in a warehouse downtown and there's people

00:47:42.700 like having like, uh, little, you know, cantaloupe and everything like that little

00:47:48.540 tray of this and that little meat, select meats and stuff like that. And so I'm

00:47:53.000 having a nice time. And then we all sit in the chairs. They start telling us what

00:47:55.980 it's about. And, and then it's, it's called orgasmic meditation. Then they get a

00:48:00.960 woman up front on this table and they take her underwear off. And then she

00:48:05.420 like has her legs open. Yeah. This is it. Kind of, she has her legs open on

00:48:11.200 these pillows and then the man puts on gloves and they just picked two people

00:48:16.500 out of this. I mean, it was like red Rover, red Rover. What? So this dude is

00:48:21.240 like, Oh man, it's so embarrassing too. Like you might, Oh, it's like in class

00:48:25.880 when they're like, who knows the answer? And you're like, don't call me.

00:48:27.820 Don't call me. Yeah. And this is like raising your hand, but with your

00:48:30.320 pussy, you got to go in there and just fucking, well, you, they teach you how

00:48:33.600 to do it. They teach you how to use, you just use one finger and you do a

00:48:36.720 certain amount of lotion and stuff like that. And first you have to describe

00:48:40.440 the woman's, uh, vulva maybe or something. I don't know what it's called.

00:48:45.360 Ubula. Pussy. Yeah. Yeah. You got to describe that. And it's kind of crazy

00:48:53.320 because sometimes you're like, man, it looked like, you know, it looked like it

00:48:56.780 looks disgusting. Well, it looks like somebody made it with a shotgun, you know,

00:49:00.340 but then sometimes you're like, serious medical help. Yeah. Sometimes you're like,

00:49:04.520 dad, this thing looks like a damn paper cut, but a fucking positive attitude on

00:49:08.740 it, you know? Like, so sometimes it's, it was, but anyway, you had to do that.

00:49:12.600 And then you had to sit there and they had like a certain way you had to kind

00:49:16.000 of, uh, pleasure the woman, uh, clitoral stimulation. And the, the, the boss

00:49:24.360 would walk around and tell you how to do it. So you would, um, like a yoga

00:49:30.020 instructor is like, no, no, get your back. Yeah. Oh wow. And it would be 15

00:49:35.440 minutes of pure doing that. And you do that. You reached in a fucking, you have

00:49:39.680 gloves on. So it's almost just like dying. It's almost like dying your sideburns

00:49:45.180 or your beard. I mean, it just, you know, it just takes a little while in a way.

00:49:48.240 I'm sure it is in another way. Yeah. It's really different than that, but it

00:49:53.960 was crazy, man. And then at the end, you all hug, they do a big team hug and

00:49:57.880 you never fucked. No, but there's people that want to, I mean, like you must. So

00:50:02.080 then you get on the message boards and now you're driving over to people's

00:50:04.680 houses during the day and stopping over. And one lady over on Laurel Canyon up

00:50:09.340 there, her dog bit. That's when I quit. Her dog bit me while I was doing the

00:50:14.520 thing, you know, and she wouldn't lock the dog up and so I'm fighting with this

00:50:17.880 lady in her, you know, her pants or just the whole, it was like, this is too

00:50:23.020 much. I don't want to get a charge or nothing. And I'm not doing anything bad,

00:50:26.040 you know, but it was sometimes you go over and then they want set, you get them

00:50:30.460 all like, Hey, yeah. You're like, I'm just trying to do the program, dude. Cause

00:50:36.220 it'd be matched up. You get matched up with a 70 year old. You get matched up

00:50:39.240 with like a 21 year old. Yeah. And then you're turned on. I heard a story about

00:50:43.160 red Fox. He would ask somebody to go to the comedy store, the waitresses.

00:50:47.880 Mm-hmm. His, his office was like down the street from the store and say, go ask

00:50:52.420 those hot waitresses, you know, guys, whatever to come over to my place. Say

00:50:57.660 red Fox wants you to go over there and it'll be $500. He just wants to go down on

00:51:03.900 you. Hmm. That's it. And they're like, what do you mean? He goes, he wants to go

00:51:07.540 down on you. And it'll be 500 bucks. And he goes, I don't have to sex. Like, nope.

00:51:11.900 500 bucks. Wow. He'll go down on you. Well, okay. Celebrity wants to go down on

00:51:16.660 me. 500 bucks. Not bad. I don't have to do anything. Once you're in there, he's

00:51:20.180 going down on you. He goes, Hey, 500 more. Let's fuck. And you're already in the

00:51:23.560 mindset. You're already like have this guy licking your box and you're like, all

00:51:26.700 right, fuck it. Yeah. Let's go. Wow. You wouldn't have gone for a thousand for

00:51:30.500 sex incrementally. So what is that? Is that like, uh, you're already fucking rubbing a

00:51:37.060 chick's fucking monkey. Yeah. And then it's like, Oh, well don't leave so

00:51:41.180 soon. And then he leaves and he's like, now, you know why they call me red

00:51:44.520 Fox. Maybe he's like the menstrual starter and he just like starts. It's

00:51:50.860 like, yeah. The menstrual show. You worried you're pregnant. Yeah. Don't worry. I got

00:51:55.160 you. And he's just wearing a chef's hat. So racist. Those are your kids. Uh, those

00:52:06.100 are my nieces and nephews. They're good kids. They're pretty good. The one's

00:52:09.980 bad. You can see the one is bad. Which one is he? That one. He's got

00:52:14.860 problems. Oh, he does actually. He used to hide on the shelves and you come in a

00:52:18.640 room and he fucking like a damn gargoyle. Yeah. He was real wild. Uh, have you had

00:52:23.860 the chance to be an uncle or an aunt? Yeah, I'm an uncle a ton. Are you? Yeah. I'm

00:52:27.500 the cool uncle. My brother thought he was the cool uncle. And I was like, why would

00:52:30.660 you be the cool uncle? And he's like, what do you mean? I'm like, cool. I'm

00:52:33.900 like, Michael, I, I like, I fuck hookers, dude. Yeah. What are you talking

00:52:40.100 about? Yeah. I traveled the world. Yeah. You might be a cool uncle in another

00:52:45.080 family. Right. I'm a standup comedian, dude. Right. What do you get? Casual

00:52:49.680 Fridays? Yeah. Get the fuck out of here, bro. I'm the cool uncle. Yeah, I'm the cool

00:52:55.200 uncle. They're all, when they want to experiment with drugs, who are they going

00:52:57.980 to call? You. You or me? Yeah. Me. Yeah. Yeah. That's true, huh? There is

00:53:02.740 something fun about being the cool uncle. Also, there's something that gets weird for

00:53:06.040 me about being the still single, the still not married uncle. Right. Do you start to

00:53:10.480 feel that at all? Like you're at an event and you realize, oh my God, everybody here

00:53:14.240 has a spouse or a significant other. Yeah. Your friends from high school too, where

00:53:19.260 they're like, what? And they'll live through you. You go to the beach weekend with

00:53:23.260 them. Like, you're going to try to fuck. I'm like, no, I'm here with you guys. We're

00:53:25.520 playing can jam. Yeah. You try to fuck. And I'm like, guys, relax. Yeah. And the only

00:53:31.900 person around here is your wife. Yeah. So I don't think you need to be egging this

00:53:36.120 stuff on. And besides, she hates you. She's going to leave in about six months.

00:53:40.060 Exactly. I can see it. I've seen breakups. You haven't. They ain't going well. Yeah.

00:53:44.960 It is weird. Cause you also start to be like, people are like, I don't know. Guys

00:53:48.160 are like, I don't know if I'm with that guy around some single guy. And, and then

00:53:52.020 also the wives start to hate you. Yeah. The wives. And then the kids will get into

00:53:55.680 college. And then the dude, I had a buddy of mine's kid was flirting with me and I'm

00:54:00.080 like, jeepers creepers, man. You know, an adult, you know, 22 years old. Yeah. But

00:54:07.000 I'm like, shut this down. You know, you got a fucker. No, you gotta, no, I'm sorry, dude.

00:54:13.040 The ruling has been made. It's out of my hands now. And then it's a black dude in his

00:54:21.100 chef's hands. Like fuck her buddy. Dude. I'm always telling my buddy's kid to like, she's

00:54:24.860 like kind of not shiftless, but directionless. She's like, she went to a year college and not

00:54:29.320 just trying to figure it out. And I'm like, I'm like, Hey, you should go travel. Same

00:54:33.260 as I tell you, but I'm like, especially a 20, 21 year old. I'm like, it's the perfect

00:54:37.220 time. Take that gap year. Find out what you're interested in. Go to South America. And I don't

00:54:41.440 tell my buddy that I keep telling her that, you know, cause I can't be like, what are you

00:54:44.920 telling my fucking kid to leave the country? You know? But I'm like, I mean, as your kid's

00:54:48.520 friend. Yeah. I'm telling her like real advice. It's up to you to let her not go. But yeah,

00:54:54.080 that's true. Huh? Do you, um, she saw my special on YouTube. Yeah. Yeah. She loved

00:55:01.540 it. People are liking it. Have you noticed that, uh, there's been a good, uh, well, I

00:55:04.640 guess you'll probably start going out and touring more now. Or what's kind of some of

00:55:07.660 the plan after it? It is a plan and you want people to see you. People want to see

00:55:11.200 you. People will, um, you know, I'm going to get lost a little bit, you know, take a

00:55:16.120 little vacay, go to South America. So where, where is a place that I should, what's a place

00:55:20.660 cause if I'm not doing drugs and stuff, what's a good place for me to go? Oh my

00:55:24.220 God. So many. Um, okay. What interests you? Maui. I like usually. Okay. Let's go

00:55:32.500 deeper than that. Okay. We're further away. Let's another country. All right. What do

00:55:36.740 you got? What's what closet your head? You know, you gotta, you got some weeds in

00:55:39.640 there. What have you always been interested in? I like Spanish. Okay. What about

00:55:45.820 Spain? What about all of Latin America? Any, any countries like kind of pop into your

00:55:50.000 head of like, let me just throw some names out. Belize, Guatemala, Nicaragua,

00:55:55.080 Nicaragua. My father's from there. That'd be cool. Argentina. Argentina would be cool.

00:56:00.200 Have you been there? No, I would love to. Yeah. Go to, um, what's the main city in

00:56:05.800 Argentina? Uh, no, no, no. San Paolo's Brazil. Um, Zach doesn't know it. I'm good. I thought

00:56:17.180 I'd do it off the top of my head. Damn. I should know it. I know we all should. Buenos

00:56:21.300 Aires. Buenos Aires. Start there. Take some tango classes. Tim Ferriss went there a long

00:56:27.040 time ago. Yeah. And then fell in love with tango. Lived there for six months taking tango

00:56:31.440 lessons. Wow. Do you think? Yeah. Go there. There's great. Stay and then go away from the

00:56:37.440 city. You can get an Airbnb to be, have a home base there and then like go on little trips

00:56:42.680 and come back to that Airbnb. Take my podcast stuff, do a couple episodes down there if

00:56:46.720 I need to. A thousand percent. You could do that. Especially you do it solo a lot, right?

00:56:50.960 Yeah. Sometimes. Next week is solo guys. Well, dude, then yeah. And the devil's experience

00:56:56.480 doesn't come back without a few. I just did this crazy trip doing this. I took my first

00:57:00.760 tango, do an hour on that. And then like the next day, like I had another crazy experience

00:57:05.160 way in again, space them out, you know, release them every week. Oh, if you could take your podcast

00:57:09.420 shit there for sure. Find an Argentinian comic who speaks English.

00:57:15.080 Or just any Argentinian. A hundred percent. Interview them. Regular people shit.

00:57:20.480 Where is a place? Yes, you could do that. That is a good idea. I wonder if right after Christmas,

00:57:25.080 I have some time. This is what I told Bobby. Cause he's, he said you might, guys might be doing

00:57:30.820 something. And he goes, he goes, well, so I got to finish whatever he's finishing and whenever

00:57:36.240 it is. And then he goes, then I might have this thing. I'm like, put it in your contract

00:57:40.240 ahead of time. You, you can't, you're done. No matter when it's the, whatever deal is finalized,

00:57:44.560 you're done June, July, you're not available. We can start in August. And they go, well,

00:57:48.800 we want you. He's like, it's already my deal. Start in August. Yeah. Talk to Theo ahead of time.

00:57:52.160 Have your same, take the same fucking time. Dude, Buenos Aires, you know how jealous I am just

00:57:56.680 hearing that the thought of that's a possibility. It's that fun. Oh my God. Take your podcast.

00:58:01.560 Take some Spanish classes, go there and just enroll in a Spanish class. You know, it'll

00:58:06.780 give you some like direction every day. You'll meet some other people in the class. Plus you'll

00:58:10.700 be a nobody, which will be cool. Yeah. You know, walk the streets. No one will look at

00:58:14.320 you. No one will say anything to you. Yeah. And you can do your podcast from there. God

00:58:18.740 damn it. You've made a fucking perfect life. Fuck. I'm legitimately jealous at the thought

00:58:24.060 of that. I'm jealous. I'm jealous at the thought of it too. And it could be a reality.

00:58:28.340 It could easily be a reality. Grab this fucking mic and just take it and unscrew this thing

00:58:33.420 and go. I hope. What's a place where you've gone if you're doing, so just so our audience

00:58:39.620 knows, if people want to meet great food, where do they go? Because you've been so many

00:58:44.080 places. Thailand is great food. Mexico is like the star of Latin America for food. But I

00:58:52.060 mean, there's also great food everywhere. But like, I'm trying to think. Europe is not

00:58:56.320 as great for food. Finding a wife, where do they go? Vietnam, Cambodia. Yeah, you can

00:59:03.760 fucking get yourself a nice one. Dude, I went to- But I mean an actual wife, not a sex.

00:59:09.060 Oh. People like Costa Rica. Oh, yeah. Learn to surf. Yeah. Down in the Florida Keys. Yeah.

00:59:18.620 It's a different place, but yeah. Where else, dude? Dude, I went to look for some live

00:59:24.960 music. I was in, I think, Cambodia. And I was like, it was my day, my psychogeography

00:59:29.240 of the death. I'm going to find some live music. I'm going to sit with my notebook and

00:59:31.800 do some writing. Couldn't find it. Eventually, it was like, oh, I think there's some in this

00:59:35.440 bar. I'm like, oh, only on Mondays. I'm like, fuck. And then I kept all night, like, look.

00:59:39.200 Found some. And it was just an 80s cover band. Oh. And it was a sex bar. Wow. And it was all these

00:59:44.480 old 62-year-old men, you know, with their young women and young men. Really? Yeah.

00:59:50.660 And they were all, they had a community. And so it was cheesy fucking beach rock, you know,

00:59:56.020 playing cranberries and shit like that. And all these dudes. Yeah. Some guys getting a blowjob

01:00:02.740 by like a 21-year-old. And they're not in a rush because these girls are hanging out with

01:00:06.240 them, you know, and they're all talking to each other. They're all smiling because they're

01:00:09.820 not worried about some chick bringing them down. Which was like, you have $8?

01:00:13.480 Wow. It could change my life. Yeah. It's going to be so cool. Dude, I would love to see

01:00:18.900 you host a show like a 90-day fiancé or something like that. Because I feel like you'd have such

01:00:23.200 a good take on where these people are from and some of the ambiance of these countries

01:00:29.160 and the reality of them staying together and the bullshit, you know? Yeah. If you did

01:00:35.400 a recap of that, I think. Talk to them. Like, what's it like? No judgment. Yeah. No judgment.

01:00:40.140 That's the key. No judgment. Because people go over there and they, you know, somebody

01:00:43.040 gots a little calf with them or something. There's a lot of dowry going on and it's

01:00:46.460 like you kind of don't know what's going on. Some of them, too, they'll be your tour guide

01:00:49.460 slash sex person for like a week or two. And then they're just like, I love you. It's

01:00:53.700 like a girlfriend experience. Yeah. And then they go, hey, I'm having trouble paying my

01:00:56.700 rent. Do you mind sending me? They're like, here's 500 bucks. And every year, they'll be

01:00:59.460 like, hey, my son's having surgery. He's like, here's 500 bucks. They get six or seven of

01:01:03.460 those guys on the hook. They're making their living. Fuck. 500 bucks every two months with a different

01:01:08.160 guy. They used to have a guy when a lot of Nigerians, dude, or Nigerias, whatever they

01:01:15.000 call them. But whenever they were doing that thing where they were scamming people on the

01:01:21.400 internet, scamming people's grandparents. Oh, yeah. There's a comedian whose grandparents

01:01:26.140 got scammed, right? So he started, his grandmother got scammed. I wish I could remember his name.

01:01:32.800 I knew it was. Bob Saget. He worked with Bob Saget? It was Bob Saget. Oh, it happened to Bob Saget?

01:01:36.940 Yeah. Well, there was another guy that it happened to. Yeah. And it-

01:01:40.800 I like to replace, instead of saying people's names, I'll just replace them with dead comics.

01:01:43.740 Oh, yeah. You know? So this did happen to Bob Saget. Oh, no. I think it was Louis Anderson

01:01:48.500 this happened to. Okay. Oh, right. Okay. So his mother got scammed. So then what he started

01:01:54.720 doing was he started contacting these people and saying, all right, I'll give you this money.

01:01:59.180 They didn't know it was the grandson. I'll give you this money. If you do a reenactment of

01:02:05.560 like the intro to, or this scene from Seinfeld. What? And he'd send him a link to the scene

01:02:13.180 and then he'd have like four Nigerians send back like a spoof, like, and he just kept

01:02:19.600 putting these together. Oh, he played a couple of them for me. It was so ridiculous.

01:02:24.260 Dude, Tebow does that. Jason Tebow does that with like, with like sex, like, hey, I'm horny.

01:02:28.660 And he'd be like, what are you up to now? He goes back and forth with them on like DMs.

01:02:33.840 And he's like, I don't know. I'm thinking of killing myself. Well, what's you up to?

01:02:36.680 I'm like, I need a man. And he goes, yeah, it's cool. I read any good books. He just refuses.

01:02:42.460 He just keeps them on the line. It's so great. Oh, it's so fun to fuck with him back.

01:02:47.060 And you're like, you're not going to get me.

01:02:48.500 Yeah, that's sick, man. Getting a, yeah. Getting that sex, getting into that sex work.

01:02:55.200 I wonder if that's how Bobby got, got his Twitter hacked.

01:02:58.440 Oh, is that what happened to him?

01:02:59.260 I bet he, he was like, he was like, somebody was like, you're so hot. He was like, well,

01:03:03.300 let me send you my passwords. I bet it must've been. Who gets scammed if you're not a grandma?

01:03:08.700 Did his Twitter get hacked? I didn't see that.

01:03:10.260 What'd they do? Send out nudes or something?

01:03:13.140 No, they're just like, give me money. Hey, I'm, I'm, I need to, can you wire me 200 bucks?

01:03:17.080 I got to make bail. I got a buddy like that.

01:03:20.420 We knew a guy who got the Nigerian scam. These guys used to hang out at the store.

01:03:25.740 Tweets are protected. His account's locked now.

01:03:28.020 Protected by what?

01:03:28.780 So if anyone can help Bobby get his Twitter back, let him know.

01:03:31.160 If they're protected by Stevie, he's fucked.

01:03:33.320 Stevie Weeby. Yeah. And he said, his brother was like, hey, he's acting like a dick to all of us.

01:03:38.560 What's going on? Like, why are you acting like a dick? He's like, I'm about to come into some fucking money.

01:03:41.400 You guys will all be sorry. And they're like, what? Like, yeah, dude.

01:03:44.200 He started just being a complete asshole to everybody.

01:03:45.860 And they're like, where are you getting this money? He's like, I know a guy, royalty, getting out.

01:03:50.140 And I got off. And they're like, what? Like, he fell for it. A 22-year-old.

01:03:54.800 No.

01:03:55.020 And they're like, that's a scam. He goes, no, it's not.

01:03:57.540 And they're like, was he from Nigeria? And they're like, he was like, it's not a scam.

01:04:02.400 Just realize, like, that's your natural state is to be a dick.

01:04:05.760 Oh.

01:04:06.760 Yeah, money will make you, it'll make you see some things about yourself, man.

01:04:10.240 We gave Eddie Bravo, or Redman did. We were on the road. I think it was in Boston with Rogan.

01:04:15.220 He got one of those fake scratch-off tickets. Handed out a couple, like, losers and one winner.

01:04:20.400 They always sell them in, like, three. So Redman's like, yeah, I got everybody's scratch-offs.

01:04:23.940 Gave Eddie Bravo the fake one. He gets two, like, cash, cash. He goes, whoa.

01:04:29.860 And we're all like, I was like, oh, I lost. You know, Redman's like, I fucking lost to it.

01:04:33.600 And he's like, I need one more cash sign.

01:04:34.920 And he fucking hits it. We let him play it. He's like, oh, my God, I won $10,000. This is crazy.

01:04:41.660 And we're like, wait. And he goes, Redman, I'm giving you $5,000. I'm giving you five.

01:04:46.400 That was so cool. The whole drinks were on me. And he was so nice. We're like, oh, fuck.

01:04:50.740 We were, like, hoping he'd be a dick. He's so nice. We're like, oh, we got to break the news to him.

01:04:56.940 We felt so bad.

01:04:59.660 I'm glad you brought him up. I got to text Eddie back, actually.

01:05:02.100 Even saying that makes me feel like, dang, I need to message him.

01:05:05.760 What else do we have? Some more news that came up?

01:05:10.480 Yeah, we got some stories here.

01:05:13.400 Well, Elon Musk apparently fired a Twitter employee who disagreed with him.

01:05:17.100 You must love this, Ari, huh?

01:05:18.440 I love it.

01:05:19.000 You must love this world because Elon is now this sort of Geppetto of this world that was really that we don't need Twitter.

01:05:26.380 We don't. I deleted mine a year and a half ago. It's such a toxic place.

01:05:30.420 You can't say anything like, oh, I like this cactus.

01:05:33.440 It was like, well, there's a lot of other fucking vegetable, fruits, and trees that need help, too.

01:05:37.400 And you're like, oh.

01:05:38.600 It's just – it's only there for apologies and –

01:05:41.260 Wow.

01:05:42.740 After they spoke out and Twitter and even the company's private Slack.

01:05:45.560 Yeah, I guess a developer, like, was kind of –

01:05:48.160 Elon tweeted something about, like, the infrastructure of Twitter and a developer was like, he's wrong.

01:05:52.580 And then Elon fired him.

01:05:54.000 Oh, guess what?

01:05:55.260 These people lost their way.

01:05:56.600 This Gen Z and even some millennials, they think they're powerful.

01:05:59.840 So you can't publicly talk shit about your boss.

01:06:04.800 It's like, what world did you grow up in where you can just shit on your boss and think that's okay?

01:06:08.720 And they all do on Slack.

01:06:09.760 They go over people's heads.

01:06:11.280 That's why New York Times can't write a real story because you go over your boss's head to your boss's boss.

01:06:15.940 And they go, hey, are you not printing the stories of the young black people?

01:06:19.340 I'm like, no, I'm printing the stories of fucking college kids.

01:06:22.060 That's why I'm not printing.

01:06:22.900 It's like, what?

01:06:24.100 And then I were beholden to the fucking employees instead of the employers.

01:06:27.920 And Elon Musk's like, nah, I built a billion-dollar company.

01:06:31.160 You don't – nah.

01:06:32.180 Yeah.

01:06:32.500 Nah, you're fired.

01:06:33.540 Get out of here.

01:06:34.140 But don't you –

01:06:34.580 That lady who walked out on – Chappelle got – made as a guest on SNL for the fucking eighth time.

01:06:41.060 She's like, I'm walking out.

01:06:42.820 Or you can just write a pro-trans fucking sketch and make him be in it.

01:06:46.420 Yeah.

01:06:46.720 You actually have a voice.

01:06:48.620 You're going to walk out.

01:06:49.840 If I was that boss, I'd be like, don't come back.

01:06:51.460 It's okay.

01:06:51.960 That's fair.

01:06:52.380 No, voice your opinion.

01:06:53.660 Don't come back.

01:06:55.280 We booked a guest, and you're an employee here.

01:06:57.780 You're not allowed to walk out.

01:06:58.760 Do you think Hollywood has narrowed itself into a whole – I mean, I think a lot of like – you can't even make fun – the only people you can make fun of anymore are Russians, I feel like, or poor –

01:07:08.340 Even then, look at Top Gun.

01:07:09.300 They just go the enemy.

01:07:10.660 You can't even make fun of Russia.

01:07:12.160 Yeah.

01:07:12.940 Or poor white people they still make fun of, I think.

01:07:15.040 Poor whites, yeah.

01:07:15.880 Most of your family.

01:07:17.040 They're like Theo's family.

01:07:18.320 String them up.

01:07:18.900 I think that's why you get a lot of people that are so like –

01:07:22.280 Christians.

01:07:23.680 Yeah.

01:07:24.540 Yeah.

01:07:26.160 Yeah, you can't make fun of Jews.

01:07:27.500 You can't make fun of blacks.

01:07:28.500 You can't make fun of gays.

01:07:29.820 My new special is for a Jew on YouTube right now.

01:07:31.980 Guys, I'm fucking broke.

01:07:33.580 Please go in there.

01:07:34.360 Watch it.

01:07:34.900 Donate.

01:07:35.280 I need some fucking money.

01:07:36.500 That is right.

01:07:36.920 I can't afford pizza.

01:07:37.460 One thing I loved about your special was the special was free, right?

01:07:41.080 And then one of the first comments was it was like, who says Jews never give anything away for free?

01:07:47.940 Now go donate.

01:07:49.080 Now go donate.

01:07:49.660 Exactly.

01:07:50.500 Yeah, I'm like, here's this free thing, but give me some money.

01:07:52.580 Yeah, but it was – I thought that was really, really cute though, but that's cool.

01:07:55.780 Yeah.

01:07:55.940 Yeah, guys, check it out and make a donation there to support the freedom of comedy also too.

01:08:00.880 You know, I always wondered if guys like Rogan would create a platform that people subscribe to, you know?

01:08:09.420 That would be cool.

01:08:10.180 I could see Segura doing it too, like a $5 a month app on your Apple TV.

01:08:14.800 And you get a special a month.

01:08:16.540 Special a month, just content.

01:08:18.200 Just content's coming out.

01:08:19.360 And don't worry, it's going to be funny because the guy in charge is like, we want funny.

01:08:22.740 Right.

01:08:23.160 Will you have black people?

01:08:24.140 Yeah, sure.

01:08:24.780 We're booking funny people.

01:08:25.600 We'll have everybody.

01:08:26.460 Yeah.

01:08:27.020 But we're not going to be – we're not going to be like, fuck, we haven't had a –

01:08:30.860 I don't know, Arab comic in too long.

01:08:32.600 Just get some open mic-er.

01:08:34.420 Like, they're not going to do that, you know?

01:08:37.160 So, yeah, that would be great.

01:08:39.020 And that's – I guess a lot of things get put on Rogan's shoulders, I guess, hypothetically, since he's such a force, you know?

01:08:44.440 But, yeah, guys like Segura or even if like a group of comedians partnered up and said, okay, let's create this platform.

01:08:51.440 We'll each put a special on it once every two years.

01:08:54.120 So, you know what?

01:08:54.940 They say like you make money on YouTube, right?

01:08:57.220 Mm-hmm.

01:08:57.460 They say like if you see the – so if you're making money on YouTube and they're selling ads, YouTube is making money as well.

01:09:03.180 Most of the money.

01:09:04.100 Most of it.

01:09:04.600 Right.

01:09:04.740 Probably 80%, 90% of it, which is fine, whatever.

01:09:08.020 They kick some down so it incentivizes you to put stuff up.

01:09:11.580 But what if we just made our own platform and we put stuff up on YouTube and there, this other platform where we get all of it minus some operating costs?

01:09:20.160 We just get all of it.

01:09:21.700 That would be a lot of money.

01:09:23.200 Yeah.

01:09:23.460 You know, if we're making 10% of it and you can make – so far, three and a half million hits on that.

01:09:30.180 I think I've made like 25 grand in ad revenue and that's 10% of what they're making.

01:09:35.840 So what if I made 250?

01:09:37.200 Well, my special will be paid off, you know?

01:09:40.520 That's true.

01:09:41.200 Who's going to make – maybe a few comics.

01:09:43.080 The dream is out there.

01:09:43.980 I don't have the wherewithal.

01:09:45.520 Someone needs to put it in and put some cash in.

01:09:48.600 I've mentioned it to some other comedians.

01:09:50.080 I think it's –

01:09:51.420 It's hard to make a platform that actually works well, doesn't lag and shit like that.

01:09:55.440 Right.

01:09:55.780 I think you would get together because say if you got – if you get a million people to subscribe at $5 a month, they know they're going to get one.

01:10:02.540 Even ads.

01:10:03.100 Even free.

01:10:04.080 Just come here.

01:10:04.900 And then the ads come in just like here but we get it all.

01:10:08.120 Right.

01:10:08.520 I guess I was thinking of something that just had specials on it.

01:10:10.740 That too.

01:10:11.300 That would also be great.

01:10:11.800 So even if you started with that, you just had specials.

01:10:14.040 Yeah.

01:10:14.380 A special a month for five bucks.

01:10:15.980 A special a month for five bucks.

01:10:17.400 You would need a lot of subscribers because if you had 50 people, wouldn't pay for it.

01:10:21.060 Right.

01:10:21.280 You'd have to have a – say if you get a million.

01:10:23.140 Right?

01:10:23.460 Yeah.

01:10:23.980 Which I think say if you had enough certain comedians, you could get them all to say –

01:10:26.800 Just split it up.

01:10:27.280 Right.

01:10:27.440 You could go by views.

01:10:29.680 You could decide after the end of the year who's got one of the year.

01:10:31.200 So it's 50 million a year.

01:10:32.080 50 million a month.

01:10:33.960 Oh, my God.

01:10:34.700 Yeah.

01:10:35.440 No, no, no.

01:10:36.360 Five million a month.

01:10:37.700 Oh, if you got a million people, $5.

01:10:39.440 Good call.

01:10:39.880 Yeah.

01:10:40.160 Damn.

01:10:41.400 It was like, wow, that's going to be true.

01:10:43.480 And that's why –

01:10:44.240 That's swamp math.

01:10:45.180 That's why you need an accountant.

01:10:46.920 That's why you need an Ari Shafir Jew on YouTube.

01:10:52.120 You got to have a partner in crime.

01:10:54.160 Yeah.

01:10:55.620 Five million a month.

01:10:56.860 So that's 60 million a year.

01:10:59.160 So now we're working on it.

01:11:00.580 So then if you paid the comedian, say you gave each comedian, whoever's going to put their special on, you gave them $2 million.

01:11:06.880 Right?

01:11:07.600 Yeah.

01:11:08.020 For their special.

01:11:08.680 And then you said also in three years you get the special back.

01:11:11.900 It's returned back to you.

01:11:13.340 You always own it.

01:11:14.020 It's just sitting here.

01:11:15.040 Right.

01:11:15.260 It'll sit here for a certain number of years, and then at a certain number of years it'll go back to you.

01:11:19.020 Yeah.

01:11:19.360 And then every month you did that.

01:11:21.380 Split it up by downloads, whatever.

01:11:22.740 And it's also, hey, if people are coming here to watch specials, keep it up there.

01:11:25.840 Right.

01:11:26.360 You know?

01:11:26.840 Yeah, you can keep it up there.

01:11:27.420 Can I put it on YouTube as well?

01:11:28.080 Sure, but you're getting less percentage on YouTube than here.

01:11:30.380 Put it up on both.

01:11:31.980 But I think then you would have a platform that kind of sets comedy free in a way.

01:11:35.200 Sets it free.

01:11:35.800 I mean, it would only be free –

01:11:36.920 Making $2 million would be a lot more than losing $180,000.

01:11:42.900 Yeah.

01:11:43.020 Please donate, guys.

01:11:44.080 I'm fucking so broke.

01:11:45.440 Yeah.

01:11:47.140 We're going to make a nice donation to it, man, just to thank you for coming too.

01:11:50.600 Oh, nice.

01:11:51.060 And for your time.

01:11:52.780 I got some 50s.

01:11:53.780 Some people donated 50 bucks.

01:11:55.160 Some people donated one, and I'm like, that's great.

01:11:56.700 I get it.

01:11:57.200 You don't have any money, but you want to be like, that was good.

01:11:59.820 Here's something.

01:12:00.440 I like those.

01:12:01.280 Is there a strong support from the Jewish community being Jewish, do you feel like?

01:12:04.480 Dude, I thought it might go negative, and it's not in that.

01:12:07.180 It's been really like – people are like, this is awesome.

01:12:09.280 This is clearly reverential to our society, making fun in a fun way, you know?

01:12:14.860 Yeah.

01:12:15.280 What are the rules of – that you can make fun of Jews or not?

01:12:19.860 Like, or joke about it?

01:12:21.020 Because –

01:12:21.180 It's tone.

01:12:21.980 If I'm like – if you like – I don't know.

01:12:25.100 If I say like, shut up, redneck.

01:12:26.860 You know I'm joking.

01:12:27.940 There's a tone behind it where some other guy is like, shut up, redneck.

01:12:32.000 You'd be like, hey, hey, no.

01:12:34.840 You know, there's like – you can tell of friendliness.

01:12:36.960 Totally.

01:12:36.980 A hundred percent.

01:12:37.780 It's tough to tell.

01:12:39.380 And even – I guess if a joke is good, too.

01:12:42.120 That helps, too.

01:12:42.940 If a joke doesn't go over, it seems more hateful than if it does go over.

01:12:46.760 Like me, Brian Dorfman and I always tell Jewish jokes to each other, right?

01:12:50.000 Mm-hmm.

01:12:50.580 And he – what is one of my favorite ones?

01:12:54.540 It's like, oh, what did the one Jewish guy say to you?

01:12:56.700 He goes, hey, man, I'm sorry to hear about the fire.

01:12:58.860 And he goes, shh.

01:12:59.720 It's Tuesday.

01:13:01.600 That's what happened to you.

01:13:03.280 That's what T.S. called Jewish Lightning.

01:13:05.760 Yeah, Jewish Lightning.

01:13:06.540 The insurance.

01:13:07.540 He's talking about some strip club burning down on the sunset.

01:13:09.900 He goes, dude, it caught fire.

01:13:11.660 It burned so much that the bus stop outside on the sidewalk melted.

01:13:15.960 That ain't no fucking fire.

01:13:18.240 That's where they went too hard on it.

01:13:20.620 It burned harder than 9-11, dude, which we also planned.

01:13:23.820 Yeah, it's funny.

01:13:27.940 That's a good one.

01:13:28.760 That's one of my favorites.

01:13:29.660 That's a good one.

01:13:30.240 Remember the lady from Crackers?

01:13:32.140 Yeah.

01:13:33.560 Tom Segura took me there.

01:13:34.800 He goes, hey, it's a break-even week, but it'll get you in if you want to come feature for me.

01:13:40.060 It'll just pay for your flight.

01:13:41.540 But she puts you in a hotel, so that's fine.

01:13:43.740 Okay.

01:13:44.380 And she started running with Jujo.

01:13:46.240 And I was on stage, and she goes, Tom, should we throw quarters at him?

01:13:50.300 Uh-uh, really?

01:13:51.340 Tom was laughing.

01:13:52.140 He goes, I don't think you should.

01:13:55.380 You give people the power to, like, I go nuts.

01:13:57.620 Yeah, that's true, huh?

01:13:59.440 That's interesting.

01:14:03.300 Did you feel like a lot of the Kanye stuff, like, did you have people asking you about it?

01:14:10.020 Oh, yeah.

01:14:10.940 I think it was probably mislabeled.

01:14:13.960 What do you think is going on with Kanye?

01:14:16.520 I don't think he's happy with his agents.

01:14:18.480 He's saying, legitimately, he's saying the same shit that I've said for years.

01:14:22.480 You call agents your Jews.

01:14:24.540 I've been just calling them your Jews.

01:14:25.520 There's a lot of Jews in there.

01:14:26.500 So it's a colloquial, you know.

01:14:28.660 Right.

01:14:29.160 My literal agent is not Jewish, but he's one of my Jews.

01:14:33.540 And when he goes, I'm going DEF CON on the Jews, he means he's going to fire his agents.

01:14:37.020 He's just saying it.

01:14:37.800 He's an artist.

01:14:38.660 He's not just going to say, I'm going to fire my agents.

01:14:42.040 That's not fun.

01:14:43.460 I wish he'd do it through song.

01:14:44.820 That's where he excels.

01:14:47.480 You know?

01:14:48.600 But, but like, they're like, these anti-Semitic statements, like, guys, he doesn't, they write

01:14:54.260 a narrative and then they go like, that narrative can't be wrong.

01:14:57.140 So let's jump off from there.

01:14:58.320 I'm like, I think you're jumping off ground might be wrong.

01:15:00.980 You know?

01:15:03.320 It's, oh, he's, Theo's wearing a purple shirt.

01:15:05.400 So he's gay.

01:15:06.460 So as a gay man sitting here, he has to do this.

01:15:08.460 And I'm like, wait, you might not be right about the gay part.

01:15:11.000 Can we re-examine?

01:15:11.760 Like, it's a narrative.

01:15:12.480 It's already set.

01:15:13.160 Right.

01:15:14.060 And so I just don't think he's that.

01:15:15.820 And then you're pushing him deeper and deeper into like defending himself.

01:15:18.880 You're pushing him to be anti-Semitic.

01:15:20.800 He might've had one thought here or there that's a little off.

01:15:23.020 And now you're making, who's coming down on him?

01:15:25.720 The fucking Jews are coming down on him.

01:15:27.040 So now you're the oppressor.

01:15:29.120 I don't, I just don't think it's all that.

01:15:30.880 I think Kyrie Irving too.

01:15:32.040 He's like, ah, he saw a fucking documentary.

01:15:34.040 Yeah.

01:15:34.360 We've all been there.

01:15:35.140 Yeah.

01:15:35.860 He saw a flat earth documentary too.

01:15:37.460 And he liked that one.

01:15:38.200 Dude, I'll tell you this, the flat, I'll tell you how I even learned about flat earth.

01:15:42.300 I'm at a pizza spot, Palm Springs, two black dudes roll up on me.

01:15:46.460 They said, do you think that that pizza is round or flat?

01:15:51.160 That's what they said.

01:15:52.000 Interesting.

01:15:52.920 It's both.

01:15:54.200 Right.

01:15:54.560 And next thing you know, for one hour, I'm sitting in an Italian spot, listening to two

01:16:01.160 brothers tell me about flat earth.

01:16:03.720 I'd love to hear that.

01:16:04.760 Here's my advice to everybody.

01:16:06.200 When you meet a crazy person, do not argue with them.

01:16:09.360 Yeah.

01:16:09.920 You'll gain nothing.

01:16:11.000 You will not change their opinion and you will have lost the chance to hear their whole

01:16:15.880 crazy argument.

01:16:17.220 If you meet a QAnon person, you go, you're making some good points.

01:16:20.440 What else you got?

01:16:21.540 Just do your research.

01:16:23.100 You won't get access like that.

01:16:25.660 That's a good point.

01:16:26.660 You know, if you, if you get fucking Mike Shanahan going like, can I tell you about some

01:16:30.280 plays?

01:16:30.460 Like, oh no, those plays don't work.

01:16:32.260 No, just go.

01:16:33.220 Okay.

01:16:33.880 I'm here listening.

01:16:34.620 Just listen.

01:16:35.860 Yeah.

01:16:36.540 So yeah.

01:16:37.100 Flatter.

01:16:37.380 By the way, literally every person I know, maybe outside Joe Rogan cannot prove to you

01:16:44.080 that the earth is round.

01:16:46.180 I think it's round, but I can't tell you why.

01:16:49.460 I would not be shocked if it wasn't.

01:16:50.980 Yeah.

01:16:51.340 I'd be like.

01:16:51.640 I would not be shocked, dude.

01:16:55.260 Yeah.

01:16:55.400 Who the fuck was Galileo?

01:16:57.080 Some fucking.

01:16:58.380 He didn't even have fucking Spotify.

01:17:00.200 That was one thing that I thought was interesting that Kanye said was about like history.

01:17:03.500 Like the people that whoever owns the world or controls the world.

01:17:07.580 Writes the history.

01:17:07.980 Writes the history.

01:17:08.920 Yeah.

01:17:09.120 That's fascinating, dude.

01:17:10.660 Because I went to Cuba as a student.

01:17:12.900 I went to Cuba.

01:17:13.800 Yeah.

01:17:14.000 And the bookstores there, they start with when Fidel and Che had control.

01:17:20.080 Wow.

01:17:20.620 And you can't get a book before that.

01:17:22.060 You can't get it.

01:17:22.360 That's like 1984.

01:17:23.340 You rewrite the history.

01:17:23.940 In Shanghai, Ho Chi Minh, excuse me.

01:17:27.060 That's what they call it.

01:17:27.760 But they have, they call it the American War, not the Vietnam War.

01:17:34.000 Because it's like, this is just, the Americans attacking us, which is one of the, we just drove

01:17:37.880 out the French and then we had a few years and the Americans came in.

01:17:41.460 They call it the War Rembrandt Museum.

01:17:47.500 Something like that.

01:17:48.320 And it's just about the American incursion.

01:17:50.520 And it's like, oh yeah, I guess you have a different angle on it than we do.

01:17:53.620 Hmm.

01:17:54.280 You were just living your life and suddenly some fucking round eyes showed up.

01:17:58.220 Started pushing you around.

01:17:59.760 Oh yeah.

01:18:00.360 Weird.

01:18:01.160 Yeah.

01:18:01.400 It's interesting, isn't it?

01:18:02.400 It's interesting that, like even in Rome, probably, the Romans probably had the ability

01:18:08.080 to write history.

01:18:09.160 Yeah.

01:18:09.320 And that's what they're doing now when Rolling Stones rewrites a list of like top albums.

01:18:12.440 They're like, well, it was all white albums with a few, but it's like, they actually

01:18:16.740 make really good music.

01:18:17.660 We should re-examine that based on like, you know, if I had to write top albums, it'd

01:18:21.420 all be alt rock, you know?

01:18:23.220 It wouldn't even be metal.

01:18:24.440 Yeah.

01:18:24.800 So I shouldn't be able to write it.

01:18:26.240 Right.

01:18:26.540 But if I was in charge, it'd be all Arcade Fire, one through four, you know what I mean?

01:18:30.600 Then the Killers, four through eight, you know?

01:18:34.860 Yeah.

01:18:35.240 So you need some other ideas in there.

01:18:38.180 Yeah.

01:18:38.580 That's sometimes what I think about Hollywood, like that I felt about Hollywood is like,

01:18:42.960 I would go into a lot of meetings, a lot of pitches and stuff, and it kind of felt

01:18:46.740 like the people had the same, it was like the same people over a while, you know?

01:18:51.540 Or the same, like not even.

01:18:53.100 Same mindset.

01:18:53.940 Yeah.

01:18:54.180 It's like, you don't want a diversity of experience, you know?

01:18:58.960 Like we need some black people.

01:19:00.180 It's like, well, go get Miss Pat.

01:19:01.680 And like, yeah, that's not the kind of black we're looking for.

01:19:04.240 And like, well, go find them.

01:19:06.420 It's not just like this.

01:19:07.640 It was like, whenever we did this not happening, it was like, we needed this, we needed this.

01:19:10.740 It was the same list of minorities.

01:19:12.420 And I'm like, guys, these, these aren't good.

01:19:15.160 Yeah.

01:19:15.920 You got to go look, you got to go to Houston and find Ali.

01:19:18.620 I need a guy who has N word in his name, you know?

01:19:21.900 Yeah.

01:19:22.320 You know what I'm saying?

01:19:22.840 Like, I need somebody who's like, you know what I'm saying?

01:19:24.860 Or I need somebody who's like, yeah.

01:19:27.300 Or somebody who's like, yeah, it just, I think that's one of the, been one of the things

01:19:31.900 about Hollywood that I think puts us in a place like Quentin Tarantino.

01:19:35.260 What did he just say?

01:19:36.140 If you're able to find that up, Zach?

01:19:37.600 Yeah, he, he just did an interview where he said we're in the worst age of movies of

01:19:43.840 all time.

01:19:44.240 I agree.

01:19:44.840 If you wanted to do a cop drama right now from the 70s, set in the 70s, you couldn't

01:19:50.300 show the reality of that.

01:19:52.160 So you're showing a fake version of it.

01:19:54.200 Or you're just like, then do a cop drama set now because you can't show the reality.

01:19:59.200 So then it's like, you ever watch like a show when you were growing up and all the cops

01:20:02.820 like, shut the freak up.

01:20:04.440 And you're like, all right, but you definitely didn't say freak a lot.

01:20:09.680 You know, but it's like, all right, there's sensors.

01:20:11.520 Now there's like sensors are even bigger.

01:20:13.740 You can't just, I mean, when they did the comedy store show, uh, whatever that was that

01:20:18.000 magical was on.

01:20:19.360 Oh, was that when Adam, he could die?

01:20:22.240 No, he didn't die.

01:20:22.820 Who died?

01:20:24.500 Um, it was about Mitzi and all that.

01:20:26.620 It was like, so I'm dying up here.

01:20:27.940 That's it.

01:20:28.480 And then they, in middle of that, they had the me too movement and they go, well, let's

01:20:31.960 show the women in the seventies being strong and it's like, well, that's not what the fucking

01:20:37.440 show was.

01:20:38.180 Yeah.

01:20:38.580 And just in the middle of it, they were like, oh, this just got lame.

01:20:41.340 Cause they're worried about fucking presenting a, a case instead of just like presenting

01:20:45.640 the truth and something fun.

01:20:47.200 That's what gets concerning to me is, is, is Hollywood.

01:20:50.000 Like, are we starting to get to a point where we're not even presenting the truth, the, what's

01:20:54.460 really happening, but also because we don't, it's the same type of people in there that

01:21:00.140 we don't know what's happening.

01:21:01.040 They don't have a, a firm, just like.

01:21:03.580 Wait, they don't understand it.

01:21:04.640 So they don't even know what they're taking down.

01:21:06.220 Right.

01:21:06.540 Sophie Buttle just had this, she, she made a fucking joke in her special and calling

01:21:11.020 attention to the fucking rapes of indigenous people in, in Canada.

01:21:15.200 And somebody was like, well, you should, these are troubling things.

01:21:17.920 Yeah, I know.

01:21:18.740 Yeah.

01:21:18.900 So I'm bringing it up.

01:21:19.560 I've been raped and I'm fucking saying the similarities between what they've been going

01:21:23.100 through and they fucking crave TV, fucking cave TV, just fucking took it down.

01:21:27.940 Wow.

01:21:28.140 She's getting all these death threats and she goes, I'm, I'm on the front lines of your

01:21:32.120 fucking cause and you're coming after me.

01:21:34.740 Are you fucking nuts?

01:21:36.420 They're so worried about it.

01:21:37.760 They don't understand their issue and they just go like, ah, get rid of it.

01:21:40.540 And you're like, it's your fucking guy with the black guy with the chef hat.

01:21:43.560 Yeah.

01:21:44.000 Who wants a muffin?

01:21:45.040 Yeah.

01:21:45.880 You're racist.

01:21:46.720 Like I'm me.

01:21:47.980 It's crazy.

01:21:49.460 I know.

01:21:50.120 And then that's when you start to fume up.

01:21:52.100 I think other people who are like, well, quit fucking picking on me.

01:21:55.320 Like, I, yes, I'm from the South.

01:21:57.420 I like, I'm not that guy, but I'm not that guy.

01:22:00.860 Let's, if we want to know who did slavery, let's go back.

01:22:02.860 You've had a black in this chair.

01:22:04.500 Yeah.

01:22:04.660 I know that hurt you and you did it anyway.

01:22:08.960 You had to disinfect this whole thing, but you're doing that because you're looking to

01:22:12.420 change the, uh, be the change.

01:22:15.440 You wish to see, they call me Harvey chocolate milk, son.

01:22:19.080 We out here, dog.

01:22:20.440 Um, did you see that Dahmer thing?

01:22:25.680 No, you didn't watch it.

01:22:27.540 Not yet.

01:22:28.380 God.

01:22:30.180 No.

01:22:30.760 I heard a story about a friend of mine grew up in the Midwest a long time ago when I was

01:22:35.960 in yeshiva.

01:22:36.500 I was in seminary, but he went over to someone's house and, uh, he made a Dahmer joke.

01:22:40.800 You know, everybody got quiet, you know, where this is going.

01:22:46.340 What?

01:22:47.360 Our cousin was one of the victims and he goes, Oh, I got to go.

01:22:51.860 Like, no, it's okay.

01:22:52.560 He goes, no, I gotta go.

01:22:53.940 I can't be here anymore.

01:22:54.900 I'm so sorry.

01:22:56.140 And he left seminary.

01:22:57.460 No, he told, he was in seminary.

01:22:59.220 He told me the story.

01:22:59.940 Um, it was just so uncomfortable, but you know, wrong audience for sure, but probably

01:23:07.620 still a good joke.

01:23:08.760 Yeah.

01:23:09.280 Maybe.

01:23:09.680 Yeah.

01:23:10.380 Damn.

01:23:10.900 Yeah.

01:23:11.040 That guy really did it, man.

01:23:12.600 Yeah.

01:23:12.840 He really went for it.

01:23:13.680 He believed in something.

01:23:15.560 He didn't like gays, man.

01:23:17.480 He loved him.

01:23:18.880 He loved him.

01:23:20.240 Yeah.

01:23:21.060 But it was interesting.

01:23:21.940 He didn't want people to leave him.

01:23:23.240 That's why he did it.

01:23:24.300 So they'd stay forever.

01:23:25.900 Wow.

01:23:27.160 You know, outside the box thinking that's what we need more of in this country.

01:23:31.300 Jeffrey Dahmer hero spelled his name with an H, you know, who would have thought H in

01:23:35.340 the middle of that?

01:23:35.920 And who would have thought eat guy fucking outside the box.

01:23:40.280 Eat at Dahmer's.

01:23:40.560 Wouldn't that be crazy?

01:23:41.460 That would be great.

01:23:42.480 Oh, Dahmer's.

01:23:43.620 And it'd be like burger shaped, like fingers and stuff like, you know, a lot of chicken

01:23:47.280 fingers.

01:23:47.680 A lot of chicken fingers.

01:23:48.780 Yeah.

01:23:48.940 Chicken is just wink.

01:23:50.880 The chicken's winking.

01:23:52.640 We're going to Hades, boy.

01:23:54.100 Come and get it.

01:23:54.900 We're going to Hades.

01:23:57.520 What else, man?

01:23:58.200 What else is on your mind?

01:23:59.060 Ari, anything else for you?

01:24:00.460 I don't know.

01:24:01.000 Let me think.

01:24:01.720 I'm just.

01:24:02.360 I'm going to look at some new studios today.

01:24:04.700 Oh, really?

01:24:05.160 I got to get one, I think.

01:24:06.580 So I'm excited about that.

01:24:07.600 Do you?

01:24:08.080 Yeah.

01:24:08.360 I'm starting to travel podcast and it's like, I'm doing it in my home.

01:24:11.100 I'll get you on there eventually when you have more time.

01:24:12.740 But I owe you a coming on.

01:24:14.040 So I'm going to come on there.

01:24:15.100 But I hate when people are like, ah, fuck, I'm busy.

01:24:16.780 I'm always like, then let's not do it.

01:24:18.760 Like, I'm not looking at anybody to get rushed.

01:24:20.520 But yeah, I think I want to get like a studio like this so I can go and like have some more

01:24:24.500 space.

01:24:25.180 Would that be in New York or in LA?

01:24:26.260 It would be in New York.

01:24:26.980 Yeah.

01:24:27.560 Yeah.

01:24:28.220 And then I'll just get like a backdrop I can put up in like a studio like this.

01:24:31.240 I can just tape it up to the wall.

01:24:33.000 Or even like a thing.

01:24:33.940 A man told me the other day, I was at a breakfast place and he goes, you know what you could use?

01:24:36.840 Maybe a certain piece of signage where wherever you are, you take that.

01:24:41.220 So that just.

01:24:42.100 Right.

01:24:42.120 Like this and now it's like Theo Vaughn's world.

01:24:44.000 Right.

01:24:44.320 You know, or whatever.

01:24:44.820 So it just insignifies there we are.

01:24:46.960 There we are.

01:24:47.860 Yeah.

01:24:48.120 I want to do some of these.

01:24:49.040 I'm going to do this travel podcast and it's called You Be Trippin'.

01:24:51.780 You can subscribe now, but it's not coming out yet.

01:24:53.340 But what I want to do is some of them in a studio and some of them out there in the world.

01:24:57.140 So if I meet some traveler in fucking Brazil and we're in the rainforest, I'm like, dude,

01:25:01.620 let's shoot right here.

01:25:02.880 This will be cool.

01:25:03.660 We're in front of a waterfall.

01:25:05.020 Yeah.

01:25:05.280 You know, I did one in a hostel in Paris with this guy who's like traveling for fucking

01:25:09.140 a year and just some hostel.

01:25:11.160 And I'm like, this is cool.

01:25:12.800 Let's do it here.

01:25:13.580 This is a cool setting.

01:25:14.920 It's not quite as good looking as, you know, a studio like this, but it has some uniqueness.

01:25:19.980 And there's the original element of the rogueness of it.

01:25:23.900 Yeah.

01:25:24.320 There's that podcast that's not a podcast.

01:25:25.940 Have you seen that podcast?

01:25:26.980 But outside, have you seen that, Zach?

01:25:28.880 Yeah, they do.

01:25:30.000 They shoot it out here on the street in L.A.

01:25:31.540 That's kind of interesting.

01:25:32.600 That's interesting.

01:25:32.960 So each one is like, who's walking by?

01:25:34.880 I like shooting them outside.

01:25:36.180 I think if they don't really go with, like, I feel like they're pretty safe.

01:25:39.760 They keep things pretty safe on there.

01:25:42.640 I've seen them.

01:25:43.700 They were out on Santa Monica.

01:25:44.740 Oh, damn.

01:25:44.980 They set up a chair and tables.

01:25:46.840 Podcasts, but outside.

01:25:48.420 That's great.

01:25:49.520 We got Don Draper one time.

01:25:50.880 That's great.

01:25:52.040 Me and Bobby Kelly, we do the cigar podcast.

01:25:55.160 Two comics, two cigars.

01:25:56.680 And it's just like me and Bobby Kelly or me and List.

01:25:58.560 Just two comics.

01:25:59.540 Record a fucking podcast just with an iPhone and fucking clap it and just, like, smoke

01:26:04.320 a cigar and talk about it and then talk.

01:26:06.420 So we did one at a cigar plantation, the Foundation Cigars, and we just went in the tobacco fields

01:26:12.900 and we set them up and did it.

01:26:14.440 And it just looks cool in front of a field of tobacco leaves.

01:26:17.780 Yeah, but it's on?

01:26:18.700 It's online?

01:26:19.360 Yeah, that one's up there, I think.

01:26:21.240 Two comics, two cigars.

01:26:22.320 Yeah, from Foundation Cigars.

01:26:23.940 Tabernacle.

01:26:24.140 Bobby Kelly's so funny, huh?

01:26:25.540 He's so funny.

01:26:26.120 He's a nice guy.

01:26:27.260 He's a piece of shit, but he is very funny.

01:26:29.020 Yeah, that's him.

01:26:30.780 Yeah, bad dog.

01:26:31.820 Beats his dog, too.

01:26:33.120 Like, does he?

01:26:33.700 It's uncomfortable, but that's, like, part of their culture, you know?

01:26:35.700 Adam Eget really pulls his dog around the city I've seen.

01:26:38.840 Yeah, Austin.

01:26:39.740 It's almost like a...

01:26:40.580 Yeah, it's like a...

01:26:41.940 It's almost like he didn't make the reindeer thing or something and he's like...

01:26:45.380 What do you mean?

01:26:46.000 Like, his dog, like, was gonna be a reindeer, but he didn't make it.

01:26:48.760 Oh, right, right, right.

01:26:49.760 Treats him like that.

01:26:50.220 So then he's like, you're a disappointment to me.

01:26:52.780 I was joking about Bobby Kelly, but Eget is a piece of shit.

01:26:55.120 I mean, it's...

01:26:56.360 Ever since Norm died, he's kind of died.

01:26:58.280 Yeah, he kind of killed him, too.

01:27:00.500 Norm was like, I shouldn't smoke.

01:27:01.600 He's like, just smoke.

01:27:02.380 What's the worst that could happen, you know?

01:27:03.860 Yeah.

01:27:04.440 And then it's like he found out, I guess.

01:27:05.980 Oh, damn, dude.

01:27:07.440 It's sad.

01:27:08.220 It's sad.

01:27:09.000 Oh, my God.

01:27:09.980 Ari, if you started doing...

01:27:11.500 Holocaust denier, too.

01:27:12.140 Who did?

01:27:12.940 Holocaust denier.

01:27:14.180 Is he really?

01:27:14.940 Norm said it, and look what happened to him.

01:27:16.480 So, actually, can you cut that out?

01:27:17.880 I don't want any trouble.

01:27:19.400 Okay, we will.

01:27:20.520 Yeah, shit.

01:27:21.160 I don't want any trouble.

01:27:21.820 That guy doesn't...

01:27:22.280 You don't want any trouble.

01:27:23.500 If your next special isn't called I Don't Want Any Trouble...

01:27:26.780 That's a good one.

01:27:28.980 I Don't Want Any Trouble.

01:27:30.140 That's a good name of a tour, too.

01:27:32.060 Hey, Photoshoppers, get on that.

01:27:33.460 Yeah, I Don't Want Any Trouble, tour.

01:27:34.780 You can put me in all sorts of positions.

01:27:36.360 No, dude.

01:27:37.960 Photoshopper.

01:27:38.440 Your Photoshopper, I think, needs to be sentenced.

01:27:42.200 Your Photoshopper makes me fucking scream a lot of times.

01:27:45.520 Oh, they all go nuts, Shart and Torelli and all these guys.

01:27:48.860 Comedy Photoshopps, yeah.

01:27:50.600 I'm glad there's an outlet, man.

01:27:52.380 You know, you provide a...

01:27:53.900 I mean...

01:27:54.840 Those Photoshopps I put out...

01:27:55.920 I'm just like, hey, go for it.

01:27:56.760 If it makes me laugh or cringe, I'm bound by the gods of comedy to put it...

01:28:01.240 Who was that?

01:28:03.740 We did that one.

01:28:06.440 That was Shart.

01:28:07.680 That was Shart Salad.

01:28:08.920 Oh, yeah.

01:28:09.300 Shart Salad is great.

01:28:10.360 Yeah, he's great.

01:28:11.000 It's just me underneath.

01:28:12.360 If you're listening, it's just me underneath.

01:28:13.740 I'm a fucking Nazi with a fucking German shepherd on top of it.

01:28:16.260 I'm just hanging out in a fucking basement just going, watch my special, Ari Shafir Jew.

01:28:22.180 What creativity?

01:28:23.940 What fucking creativity?

01:28:25.480 Ari Shafir Jew.

01:28:26.620 Is there something about being Jewish that other people don't understand?

01:28:30.360 Because I've always feel like...

01:28:31.500 They can't understand.

01:28:31.960 I heard there's a theory that if you're more than 60 IQ points away from someone else,

01:28:35.780 you actually can't communicate.

01:28:37.260 Oh, really?

01:28:37.880 Yeah.

01:28:38.120 So you...

01:28:39.020 People like you will never understand.

01:28:40.540 Damn.

01:28:41.060 You know, it goes.

01:28:42.140 Yeah.

01:28:42.880 Yeah.

01:28:44.100 Damn, dude.

01:28:45.340 But, you know, lead by example.

01:28:47.580 Do people look at being Jewish?

01:28:49.100 Like, is it...

01:28:50.400 Because there's also a thing where there's like Jewish hate, like Jewish self-loathing

01:28:54.500 or whatever.

01:28:55.200 Yeah, self-hating Jews.

01:28:56.220 That's that.

01:28:56.560 Yeah, what is that?

01:28:57.860 It's like...

01:28:59.260 You're just like, ugh, I hate that on this thing.

01:29:01.440 But ugh is a Jewish thing.

01:29:03.020 Right.

01:29:03.260 You know?

01:29:03.480 We invented ugh.

01:29:06.120 Dude, when we were starting comedy, we had a self-hating gay, and that was his act.

01:29:09.680 No.

01:29:10.140 He's like, I know I'm gay, and it's disgusting.

01:29:11.660 Oh, wait.

01:29:12.780 I think I know him.

01:29:14.300 Was it...

01:29:14.960 He's a seancer now, isn't he?

01:29:16.820 Is he really?

01:29:17.540 Yeah.

01:29:17.900 I think...

01:29:18.700 It was the most interesting, unique take of literally any comic in my entire career.

01:29:23.880 He was so good.

01:29:25.180 I think...

01:29:25.700 He hated himself, and he was presented that to the stage of a self-hating gay.

01:29:30.920 Didn't deny being gay, but thought he was evil for having these thoughts.

01:29:36.080 He was so honest.

01:29:37.420 Well, is it...

01:29:38.080 So is that something about...

01:29:39.500 Because I'm just trying to think if there's stuff about Judaism that I don't understand.

01:29:43.720 I'm sure there's a lot of things, right?

01:29:44.940 Yeah.

01:29:45.140 But is there something about it that like...

01:29:48.240 What, like racially?

01:29:49.320 No, just like that is there...

01:29:53.320 Because I had Jewish friends that always...

01:29:54.900 They just like...

01:29:55.800 They seem like, you know, like...

01:29:58.940 Overwhelmed sometimes, maybe.

01:30:02.020 Like, is it...

01:30:03.000 That's not the word.

01:30:04.200 Oh, yeah.

01:30:05.420 It's the inbreeding.

01:30:06.440 I talk about this in the special.

01:30:07.800 Oh, there's inbreeding.

01:30:09.100 It's all inbreeding.

01:30:10.240 So we're failing...

01:30:11.520 Oh, fuck, yeah.

01:30:11.920 Like, bodily.

01:30:12.840 We're, like, falling apart, you know?

01:30:14.440 Oh, wow.

01:30:15.260 Yeah.

01:30:15.540 We have specific diseases that are made just for Jews.

01:30:18.560 And they did it from inbreeding?

01:30:19.680 Yeah.

01:30:20.140 Too much inbreeding.

01:30:20.900 We've been fucking ourselves for too long.

01:30:22.240 You need outside genes or...

01:30:24.020 But you Jews not want outside genes?

01:30:25.840 Is that looked down upon?

01:30:27.040 Yeah.

01:30:27.380 It's just like, you only fuck Jews.

01:30:28.940 But then it's like, well, that's a limited gene base, you know?

01:30:32.980 I mean, Iceland is even more limited, and they have an app that shows if you're somebody's cousin.

01:30:36.660 No.

01:30:37.240 Yeah.

01:30:37.500 You have to go to the app.

01:30:39.420 Dang.

01:30:39.660 So it's like, it's a bigger scale of that.

01:30:41.940 But if you can fuck anybody, well, now we've got all sorts of genes.

01:30:44.280 It's like the Ian Edwards bit.

01:30:45.300 The hottest people are, like, halves.

01:30:47.440 Oh, yeah.

01:30:48.180 Yeah.

01:30:48.740 You get two ugly parents from different races, the kid is fucking gorgeous.

01:30:51.980 So you get two parents with exactly the same thing, the kid is fucking, you know, disease-ridden.

01:30:57.980 Oh.

01:30:58.800 Yeah.

01:30:59.600 Like, noses, fucking balding.

01:31:01.820 So do you have to marry a Jewish person, or you don't have to?

01:31:04.200 I'm out.

01:31:05.160 You know?

01:31:05.640 Yeah.

01:31:05.820 But yeah, you're supposed to.

01:31:06.680 You're supposed to also not eat bacon.

01:31:08.040 But damn, it's good.

01:31:10.840 Yeah.

01:31:11.660 Bacon.

01:31:12.220 You guys got that one right.

01:31:13.900 The LT.

01:31:14.660 Who wants just an LT?

01:31:16.080 Who wants an LT?

01:31:16.920 Yeah.

01:31:17.120 What the fuck with that?

01:31:18.240 Lettuce and tomato on bread?

01:31:20.440 What?

01:31:21.680 Live your life.

01:31:24.140 Who wants an LT?

01:31:25.780 Will people learn about being Jewish from your special?

01:31:28.420 Yeah, they will.

01:31:29.060 They'll learn a lot.

01:31:29.720 Mostly, it's just there to laugh.

01:31:31.400 You're just there to laugh.

01:31:32.120 It's kind of like how compared to, like, Brian Regan or Nate Bergazzi, where they're clean

01:31:36.100 comics, but that's got nothing to do with it.

01:31:38.840 You're just there laughing the whole time.

01:31:40.000 And they're like, oh, did he not curse?

01:31:41.620 I guess he didn't.

01:31:42.920 It's like, you're just going to laugh.

01:31:44.560 It's just a special.

01:31:45.460 You will learn a bunch.

01:31:47.620 A bunch.

01:31:49.380 But it's every one of these bits.

01:31:51.900 I say, like, you got to, these bits have to be good enough to follow Norman at the stand.

01:31:55.440 Yeah.

01:31:55.860 You know?

01:31:56.320 God, he's good.

01:31:56.980 He's so good.

01:31:57.740 He's so good.

01:31:59.280 Ari Shafir Ju, you can check it out on YouTube.

01:32:01.480 You can donate there after you watch it.

01:32:04.780 Yeah, dude.

01:32:05.960 I'm excited.

01:32:06.680 Everyone's really liking it.

01:32:07.760 Pass it around.

01:32:08.640 Fucking play in Thanksgiving for your family and Christmas.

01:32:11.680 You know?

01:32:11.920 Bring people together.

01:32:12.840 It's something that you can talk about it.

01:32:14.500 And, like, I'm loving it.

01:32:15.840 People, I've never had this in my career.

01:32:17.240 People are like, I played this for my dad.

01:32:19.420 Or I sent my dad and we talked about it.

01:32:21.020 Wow.

01:32:21.500 It's generally like, shit, my dad walked through the room.

01:32:23.460 I had to turn it off.

01:32:24.780 Now, is that enlarging your heart a little bit?

01:32:26.760 Because you've always had a little bit of this kind of, a little bit of, not Grinch, but this.

01:32:31.420 Grinch, I like that.

01:32:32.600 Yeah, and that's the wrong word.

01:32:33.680 Grinch was a Jew.

01:32:34.300 Pull up Grinch.

01:32:35.280 Theodore Giesel was a Jew.

01:32:37.060 Yeah.

01:32:37.640 Oh, really?

01:32:38.020 He was Dr. Seuss.

01:32:38.960 Yeah.

01:32:39.340 Yeah.

01:32:40.340 That's who I was named after.

01:32:41.400 Really?

01:32:41.900 Mm-hmm.

01:32:42.760 Yeah, tell me that's not a fucking, what a mind.

01:32:45.880 Actually, he's got a really tiny nose.

01:32:47.160 I might be wrong on that.

01:32:48.900 But the back hair.

01:32:50.240 The back hair, yeah.

01:32:51.760 I mean, I think he could have been half.

01:32:53.640 Oh, my God.

01:32:55.500 What is that?

01:32:56.380 What does that do it?

01:32:58.020 That's inbreeding.

01:32:59.020 What's that protecting?

01:32:59.780 If you have tricep hair, that's inbreeding.

01:33:01.780 If you have sideburns on your triceps, bro.

01:33:05.020 Yeah.

01:33:05.240 I have it here, too.

01:33:06.800 Yeah, I do.

01:33:07.340 What the fuck?

01:33:08.280 Come on, God.

01:33:09.200 Give me a fucking break.

01:33:10.260 If you're Elvis Trapsley, then you are there.

01:33:15.700 Arce, if you're a man, thank you so much for continuing to make comedy, man.

01:33:19.760 Thank you, guys.

01:33:20.180 So for being a part of, for just not even giving up on yourself when things were tough.

01:33:26.160 I'm sure there were some moments.

01:33:27.180 It's the comedy store training.

01:33:28.320 She beat us down too much.

01:33:29.480 She can't beat us down anymore.

01:33:30.480 I had an old lady made me cry so many times, and now it's just like, fuck, hurdle, I guess.

01:33:35.220 I forget how much you've been through.

01:33:36.720 Yeah.

01:33:37.360 She made me.

01:33:38.040 That's what I saw on Ayahuasca.

01:33:39.680 I talked to Mitzi.

01:33:40.840 For real.

01:33:41.620 Really?

01:33:42.020 Talked to her in the fire.

01:33:43.560 And she was like, I prepared you for all of this.

01:33:46.100 I wasn't just a cunt for no reason.

01:33:47.600 I was getting you ready.

01:33:49.040 It was basic training.

01:33:50.660 Yeah.

01:33:51.180 It's orgasmic meditation, baby.

01:33:54.080 Thank you so much, man.

01:33:55.280 Ari Shavir, Septic Tank.

01:33:56.720 You can check him out.

01:33:57.320 You can check him out with Robert Kelly on the Two Cigars.

01:34:01.300 Two Comics, Two Cigars.

01:34:02.400 And you're tripping, road tripping?

01:34:04.720 You be tripping, just subscribe now.

01:34:05.900 It's not out yet.

01:34:06.460 It'll be out in January, February.

01:34:07.660 You be tripping, subscribe now.

01:34:08.900 And go see him whenever he goes to tour.

01:34:10.800 He's back, baby.

01:34:11.820 Dallas, Vancouver, Seattle's coming.

01:34:15.720 Pittsburgh, Salt Lake.

01:34:17.000 San Jose.

01:34:18.260 Are they on your website?

01:34:19.180 They're on my website.

01:34:20.020 We'll put it up right here.

01:34:21.380 Wait.

01:34:22.780 AriShavir.com.

01:34:23.620 AriShavir.com.

01:34:24.100 Put it up right there.

01:34:24.740 Yeah.

01:34:25.040 Thank you, bro.

01:34:26.000 Now I'm just floating on the breeze.

01:34:29.320 And I feel I'm falling like these leaves.

01:34:32.300 I must be cornerstone.

01:34:37.200 Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.

01:34:43.040 I can feel it in my bones.

01:34:47.000 But it's going to tell you.

01:34:51.520 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be

01:34:56.780 sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure

01:35:01.620 your partner.

01:35:02.900 The answer may shock you.

01:35:04.640 Sometimes I'll interview my friends.

01:35:06.700 Sometimes I won't.

01:35:08.380 And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.

01:35:11.060 You have three new voice messages.

01:35:14.380 A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.

01:35:17.220 I've been talking about Kite Club for so long.

01:35:19.900 Longer than anybody else.

01:35:21.580 So great.

01:35:22.880 Hi.

01:35:23.520 Swaya.

01:35:24.540 Easy deal.

01:35:25.880 Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.

01:35:29.800 Jermaine.

01:35:30.400 I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.

01:35:34.860 Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.

01:35:36.980 Oh, no.

01:35:39.240 I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.

01:35:41.680 Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:35:45.840 Second rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:35:50.080 Third rule.

01:35:51.020 Like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.

01:35:53.740 Or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

01:35:55.420 And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - November 17, 2022

E418 Ari Shaffir

Episode Stats

Length

Words per Minute

Word Count

Sentence Count

Misogynist Sentences

Hate Speech Sentences

Summary

Transcript