This Past Weekend with Theo Von - E515 Nick Swardson

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00:00:30.000 These are exciting, brand-new tour dates.

00:00:34.840 During the LSU-USC game, I will be playing that weekend in Las Vegas, Nevada.

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00:02:04.080 Today's guest is a comedian, an actor, an entertainer.

00:02:09.100 You know him from Reno 911, from Grandma's Boy.

00:02:13.480 He has a new special, Make Joke from Face, premiering on YouTube on July 18th.

00:02:19.740 And he has a new tour going on.

00:02:21.100 And I'm grateful to spend time today with my friend, Mr. Nick Swardson.

00:02:26.060 Shine that light on me

00:02:29.660 I'll sit and tell you my stories

00:02:35.660 Shine on me

00:02:40.380 And I will find a song

00:02:44.560 I've been singing just before

00:02:47.600 Little Nicky

00:02:54.560 Little Nicky. Remember him?

00:02:56.280 Yeah, of course.

00:02:58.160 Who thought that was an idea?

00:03:01.540 Well, the crazy thing was, I remember

00:03:02.820 God bless Adam.

00:03:03.860 Oh, no. I think it was

00:03:05.000 Beelzebub?

00:03:07.460 It was interesting, but I remember that year

00:03:10.300 We had a lot of, like, mentally impaired

00:03:12.240 Or mentals, or whatever they call them

00:03:13.840 Or nugget lovers

00:03:15.080 Carnation, yeah

00:03:16.200 Yeah, people say all different things

00:03:17.420 Yeah, a lot of times it's just like

00:03:18.800 Yeah, if you eat all nuggets all day

00:03:21.680 You know what I'm saying?

00:03:22.980 And you are in a small classroom

00:03:25.120 Then it's, you are

00:03:26.020 Yeah, it's like a commercial for fentanyl

00:03:28.020 Yeah, yeah, basically, yeah

00:03:29.460 It's basically

00:03:30.720 Well, they had a couple of issues in our area

00:03:33.460 Where they, like, had sprayed for bugs

00:03:34.860 Too many times

00:03:35.400 And so in the forecoming decades

00:03:36.920 You had a lot of

00:03:38.160 Little Nickys running around

00:03:41.340 Yeah

00:03:41.720 But at Halloween, after that film had come out

00:03:44.740 Everybody was Little Nicky

00:03:46.460 Yeah, I love Little Nicky, by the way

00:03:48.580 Yeah

00:03:48.980 It's, like, such a great movie

00:03:50.540 But it's, like, yeah

00:03:52.040 There were a lot of, like, copycats

00:03:53.600 Where people

00:03:54.480 You couldn't tell if they were challenged

00:03:57.280 Yeah

00:03:57.720 Or they were from the devil

00:03:59.280 Yeah, yeah

00:04:00.220 And you grew up in Norland

00:04:02.520 Yeah

00:04:02.960 Yeah, you know

00:04:04.680 So, like, everybody, like, on Bourbon Street

00:04:08.380 Might be a little Nicky

00:04:09.640 Oh, yeah, a lot of

00:04:10.460 Little Dickys

00:04:12.780 Yeah, a lot of little Nickys

00:04:14.200 Fuck

00:04:16.780 Suck off

00:04:18.200 One of my favorite moments

00:04:19.600 I was gonna tell you this

00:04:20.400 I don't know if I ever did

00:04:21.240 Here, move this over here a little

00:04:22.800 Just know this way

00:04:24.620 Like, push it out

00:04:25.600 Hold on

00:04:27.260 Okay

00:04:27.680 Alright, here we go

00:04:29.500 Me

00:04:30.620 Up

00:04:31.820 So

00:04:34.260 So, back in New Orleans

00:04:36.640 The first time I was there

00:04:37.900 I was, like, 19 years old

00:04:38.980 You were?

00:04:40.180 Yeah

00:04:40.420 What is this?

00:04:41.820 Huh?

00:04:42.260 What's this, fucking Avatar?

00:04:43.520 Well, we have a

00:04:44.100 What kind of production is this?

00:04:45.660 I don't know

00:04:46.120 It likes you, though

00:04:46.840 I noticed that

00:04:47.640 Okay

00:04:48.040 Well, I'm into Black Dick now

00:04:50.220 Well, it's okay

00:04:51.320 It's that

00:04:51.740 It's also

00:04:52.260 Black Dick

00:04:53.300 Me off

00:04:54.720 I wonder if there is

00:04:56.320 Yeah, like

00:04:56.780 Black Dick is

00:04:57.720 Is it a seasonal thing?

00:04:58.900 I don't know any

00:04:59.680 I haven't ever

00:05:01.040 We don't know yet

00:05:01.940 Yeah

00:05:02.500 But it is a valid question

00:05:04.180 Because it's like

00:05:05.040 Black Dick season

00:05:06.600 What would it be?

00:05:07.860 Christmas?

00:05:09.060 No

00:05:09.580 Halloween?

00:05:12.740 Possibly

00:05:13.260 Yeah

00:05:14.600 Maybe Easter

00:05:16.640 Ooh, Easter

00:05:18.360 Springtime

00:05:19.660 Or Black History Month

00:05:21.860 Hmm

00:05:23.120 I mean, I think that'd be

00:05:25.280 Appropat

00:05:25.800 Yeah, maybe

00:05:27.160 We should suck them all off

00:05:28.540 I'm not doing it

00:05:29.900 I'll support anybody

00:05:31.220 I will pat somebody on the back

00:05:32.400 While they do it

00:05:33.400 I'll do it

00:05:34.900 Is that?

00:05:35.760 Yeah

00:05:35.980 Is that appropriate?

00:05:36.900 If you, yeah, like

00:05:37.640 How, yeah, like

00:05:39.260 How do you be supportive

00:05:40.100 Of your gay friends?

00:05:40.980 I guess sometimes, like

00:05:41.840 You don't pat somebody on the back

00:05:45.240 If they're BJ-ing somebody, do you?

00:05:47.060 That's not

00:05:47.480 That's being weird, right?

00:05:48.800 That's not being supportive, I guess

00:05:50.080 I think that's being supportive

00:05:51.200 I think you're wrong on that

00:05:52.280 Okay

00:05:52.760 I think you're like, okay

00:05:54.100 You know what?

00:05:55.940 You go, Gary

00:05:56.680 Yeah

00:05:57.180 Yeah

00:05:57.800 You get it, Gary

00:05:58.960 Praise him

00:05:59.560 Get it, Gary

00:06:00.720 Carrot top

00:06:01.380 Guzzle, guzzle, guzzle, buddy

00:06:03.080 Yeah

00:06:03.860 Fucking

00:06:04.680 You play a little kazoo

00:06:06.760 Jizzle

00:06:06.900 Jizzle, jizzle, jizzle

00:06:09.000 Yeah, you play the fucking jizz flute

00:06:10.900 Jizzle bells

00:06:12.080 Why are

00:06:14.040 That's why I said Christmas

00:06:15.020 I think we're there now

00:06:16.720 Jizzle bells

00:06:17.460 Deck the balls

00:06:18.720 With balls of cocky

00:06:20.840 So dumb

00:06:23.160 Oh, Nick Schwartzen

00:06:24.680 Yep, I'm back

00:06:25.740 Good to see you, dude

00:06:26.540 He's my fucking dude

00:06:27.660 Love you very much

00:06:28.740 Love you too, man

00:06:29.340 Missed you

00:06:29.360 My New Orleans story, really quick

00:06:31.580 When I was first there

00:06:33.040 And this, like

00:06:34.180 As somebody that drinks

00:06:35.640 The drunkest I've ever been

00:06:37.940 New Orleans

00:06:38.640 And I

00:06:39.900 I call it La Barf

00:06:41.040 Where I walked down Bourbon Street

00:06:43.140 And I threw up into my hands

00:06:45.300 No reason why I did that

00:06:47.760 Hands like this?

00:06:49.000 Yep

00:06:49.200 Praise

00:06:50.400 And I vomited

00:06:52.100 And then threw it in the air

00:06:53.420 Ooh

00:06:53.980 And I've never done that before

00:06:55.700 Since

00:06:56.360 But like

00:06:57.560 19, 20 years old

00:06:58.620 I was like

00:06:59.060 Yeah, this sounds like

00:07:00.260 And like

00:07:00.900 When LeBron

00:07:01.640 Like throws powder

00:07:02.640 And like

00:07:03.060 You know, before the game

00:07:03.880 But I threw Barf

00:07:05.160 And I was like

00:07:05.780 And I call it the La Barf

00:07:07.440 I don't recommend it

00:07:09.460 But

00:07:09.720 You know

00:07:11.560 You've been down there

00:07:12.380 Who dat?

00:07:13.020 Oh, I've seen it

00:07:13.720 Who dat?

00:07:14.160 Well, a lot of times

00:07:14.940 If you

00:07:15.360 Yeah, and you can even

00:07:16.320 There's a couple brothers down there

00:07:17.760 You give him a couple dollars

00:07:18.760 He'll backflip right through the

00:07:20.100 The vomit or whatever

00:07:21.500 There's a lot of like

00:07:22.440 There's backflipping brothers

00:07:24.240 Will roll up on you there

00:07:25.300 Like

00:07:25.480 Hey, hey

00:07:25.920 A backflip vomit?

00:07:27.500 Give me three dollars

00:07:28.380 I'll fucking backflip through a

00:07:29.980 Yeah, what up, motherfucker

00:07:31.240 Yeah, through a vomit

00:07:32.300 Or a stream

00:07:32.980 Or through some asbestos

00:07:34.200 Or something

00:07:34.620 Yeah

00:07:35.040 They got those hard hitters down there

00:07:36.820 Yeah, game on

00:07:37.680 Asbestos fucking shots

00:07:39.280 Yeah

00:07:39.700 Good God

00:07:41.120 Asbestos bombs

00:07:42.500 Shot, shot, shot, shot

00:07:43.220 It's just

00:07:44.040 Don't do it

00:07:45.160 They're just playing that

00:07:46.000 Don't do it

00:07:46.560 At like Chinese construction sites

00:07:48.700 Yeah, of course

00:07:50.700 Shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot

00:07:52.540 Yeah, and then everyone's dead

00:07:53.740 Everybody

00:07:54.380 Everybody

00:07:55.700 Suck me up

00:07:57.900 Suck me

00:07:59.420 Suck me off

00:08:01.480 The thing I wanted to tell you

00:08:03.500 I'm really bummed out about it

00:08:05.040 Just let me just

00:08:05.700 Vent, please

00:08:06.900 Okay

00:08:07.180 I thought of a movie

00:08:09.420 And it was already made

00:08:11.060 Oh, yeah

00:08:11.820 And it was a movie for us

00:08:13.120 And I thought it was like

00:08:14.200 In the vein of

00:08:14.760 Chardonnado

00:08:16.540 Or whatever the fuck

00:08:17.620 Chardonnado?

00:08:19.100 Yeah

00:08:19.260 That's not that

00:08:19.760 Wives thing

00:08:20.780 Where like

00:08:21.020 It's a big glass of wine

00:08:22.160 Chasing them or whatever

00:08:22.940 I mean, it could be

00:08:24.120 But I thought of a movie

00:08:25.580 Called Llamageddon

00:08:26.660 And it was you and me

00:08:28.380 Armageddon with llamas

00:08:29.980 And it's already been made

00:08:31.640 And I was really bummed out

00:08:32.920 Because I tried to

00:08:33.560 Find the spelling today

00:08:34.660 And they were like

00:08:36.460 Yeah, that movie's been made

00:08:37.660 And I'm like

00:08:38.240 Me and Theo

00:08:38.920 Llamageddon

00:08:40.460 Kill Spade off

00:08:42.340 Immediately

00:08:42.840 David Spade

00:08:43.960 Don early

00:08:44.720 First Spade

00:08:45.500 First Spade

00:08:46.680 Fucking bonk

00:08:48.280 It's easy to

00:08:48.920 You also need to

00:08:50.040 Just sit him on a chair

00:08:51.020 That is a centimeter uneven

00:08:52.660 And his spine is

00:08:54.680 Centimeter uneven

00:08:55.600 Couple phone books

00:08:57.660 He brings his own chair

00:08:58.780 Yeah, he does

00:08:59.960 People don't know that

00:09:01.400 By the way

00:09:01.840 David Spade

00:09:03.320 God bless him

00:09:04.340 Well

00:09:05.160 Rest in peace

00:09:06.040 Yeah

00:09:06.480 Yeah, that part

00:09:07.640 Yeah

00:09:07.800 Yeah, he passed

00:09:08.460 But he

00:09:10.220 He has a bad spine

00:09:11.720 BYOC

00:09:12.640 Dude, that dude

00:09:13.100 Will bring his own

00:09:14.120 Fucking chair anywhere

00:09:15.620 And the problem

00:09:17.120 Here's what it is

00:09:17.660 The chair doesn't match

00:09:18.780 The other chairs

00:09:19.240 That's the problem

00:09:19.840 It doesn't match at all

00:09:21.600 He has like a metal

00:09:22.500 Folding chair

00:09:23.260 It's like a cafeteria

00:09:24.520 Chair from the war

00:09:25.680 Or something

00:09:26.120 It looks like

00:09:28.380 The Roaring Twenties

00:09:30.040 Or like something like

00:09:31.140 Yeah, we don't

00:09:32.680 Yeah, it looks horrifying

00:09:35.680 But it suits his back

00:09:37.760 There he is

00:09:38.160 Right there

00:09:38.560 Look at him with his

00:09:39.260 Own chair

00:09:40.160 Oh my god

00:09:40.660 Go to my chair

00:09:41.340 What a gypsy

00:09:42.540 Yeah

00:09:42.860 Oh my god

00:09:44.540 Go to my chair

00:09:45.480 In that shot

00:09:46.180 Just show me

00:09:48.120 Look at my chair

00:09:49.160 That is Joe Dirk

00:09:51.960 Regular chair

00:09:53.520 And he brings his

00:09:54.280 Fucking

00:09:54.860 Homemade chair

00:09:56.660 Dude, it's something

00:09:57.160 He made at like

00:09:57.700 Church camp

00:09:58.320 Or something he said

00:09:59.080 Yeah, I think it was

00:10:00.440 Like in

00:10:00.860 Like a

00:10:01.640 Petting zoo

00:10:02.820 Or something

00:10:03.320 What are you gonna do

00:10:03.880 The guy's

00:10:04.240 That's a petting zoo

00:10:04.940 The guy's a BLM activist

00:10:06.660 You know

00:10:07.240 Yeah, we praise him

00:10:08.780 Oh, we praise him

00:10:09.700 Good to see you

00:10:10.840 Dude, that was the

00:10:11.340 Drunkest you'd ever

00:10:12.140 Been there

00:10:12.620 In New Orleans

00:10:13.740 That was the

00:10:14.720 Drunkest where I was like

00:10:15.760 I mean, I've never

00:10:16.560 Vomited into my hands

00:10:17.940 And threw it in the air

00:10:19.180 Yeah

00:10:19.460 I don't even know

00:10:20.140 What I was accomplishing there

00:10:21.660 Like, what am I celebrating?

00:10:23.840 Not dying?

00:10:25.020 I think it's

00:10:25.540 Yeah

00:10:25.640 Or New Orleans

00:10:26.160 Like, you know

00:10:27.000 New Orleans

00:10:27.680 Yeah

00:10:28.400 New Orleans

00:10:30.340 Oh, they get pissed

00:10:31.380 Oh, they get pissed

00:10:31.400 Yeah, New Orleans

00:10:32.940 And they say

00:10:34.120 New Orleans, baby

00:10:35.160 And then somebody's like

00:10:36.460 Oh, we've run

00:10:37.000 New Orleans

00:10:37.560 And then somebody's like

00:10:39.440 Yeah, they get like

00:10:39.780 Hardcore about it

00:10:40.380 We've run

00:10:40.760 Nola, bro

00:10:41.720 And then you'll just have

00:10:43.040 Somebody just be like

00:10:43.880 And they'll just give you

00:10:46.180 An oyster

00:10:46.720 And then shoot you

00:10:48.380 In the head

00:10:48.900 And that's like

00:10:50.160 And then they fucking

00:10:51.120 Fire hose your vomit

00:10:52.500 And they're like

00:10:53.480 All right

00:10:54.160 Let run a bat

00:10:55.600 Here we get

00:10:57.140 Eat my swamp pussy

00:10:58.960 Lips

00:10:59.620 The crazy thing

00:11:01.580 About New Orleans

00:11:01.940 Is like

00:11:02.380 If you

00:11:03.100 If something bad

00:11:03.860 Happens to you

00:11:04.440 During a

00:11:05.620 During like

00:11:06.420 Mardi Gras

00:11:06.840 Or in a parade

00:11:07.460 If you have a stroke

00:11:08.520 Or have a child

00:11:09.440 Or something

00:11:09.860 You are

00:11:11.220 Or both

00:11:11.680 Whatever you're doing

00:11:12.720 Yeah, yeah

00:11:13.540 A child that has a stroke

00:11:15.080 Yeah

00:11:15.380 Whatever

00:11:16.220 You're going through it yourself

00:11:18.480 An ambulance cannot get to you

00:11:20.560 So you are fucking

00:11:22.020 You are fucking dead

00:11:24.680 You are either dead

00:11:25.720 Dude

00:11:25.960 Or somebody's alive

00:11:27.660 It's like

00:11:28.440 It depends on if you're having

00:11:29.320 The stroke or the child

00:11:30.360 But

00:11:30.700 Yeah, just like

00:11:32.260 People

00:11:32.460 They'll start digging a grave

00:11:33.900 They're like

00:11:34.200 We can't even

00:11:34.840 The ambulance is like

00:11:36.300 40 blocks away

00:11:37.740 Yeah, they're like

00:11:39.080 Yeah, you're gone

00:11:40.160 Say goodbye to your aunt

00:11:41.580 Well, I went on down

00:11:42.900 To the automobile

00:11:43.920 It's just like

00:11:44.520 I've got two aborts

00:11:48.500 Hurricane

00:11:50.340 Bye bye bye

00:11:53.260 Bye

00:11:53.680 And they keep like

00:11:55.060 Yeah, you're fucking dead

00:11:55.400 They're like

00:11:56.260 Damn, the water doesn't work here

00:11:57.840 No shit

00:11:58.320 First of all

00:11:58.760 You were eight feet below sea level

00:12:01.280 The water was never supposed to work

00:12:04.060 It was never supposed to work

00:12:05.740 I remember one of my favorite times

00:12:07.820 I was at like

00:12:08.700 Fucking jazz fest

00:12:10.360 Or some nonsense

00:12:11.140 Which is awesome

00:12:12.300 Yeah, jazz fest is awesome

00:12:13.440 But

00:12:13.640 New Orleans is awesome

00:12:14.560 There was a police horse

00:12:15.480 I don't know if I ever told you this

00:12:16.440 There was a police horse

00:12:17.940 And

00:12:18.960 The

00:12:19.460 The horse had diarrhea

00:12:22.400 On the wall

00:12:23.460 Of a hotel

00:12:24.240 It's like right off

00:12:24.920 Bourbon Street

00:12:25.440 Oh yeah

00:12:26.060 Diarrheed on the wall

00:12:27.040 So I thought

00:12:28.300 This was a long time ago

00:12:29.880 I thought it'd be appropriate

00:12:30.960 To pull my pants down

00:12:32.500 And pretend like

00:12:33.620 I diarrhea'd

00:12:34.760 So I pulled

00:12:36.060 In front of the cop

00:12:37.240 Oh yeah

00:12:37.780 Shit tricks

00:12:38.560 Yeah shit tricks

00:12:39.880 You fucking know man

00:12:41.360 So I pulled down a shit trick

00:12:43.220 And the cop

00:12:44.360 I remember my friend

00:12:45.100 In a Polaroid

00:12:45.840 That's how back

00:12:46.400 Far back it was

00:12:47.760 Took a shot

00:12:49.280 Of me

00:12:50.920 Diarrheing

00:12:51.700 On the horse wall

00:12:52.540 And the cop

00:12:53.860 Just looked at me

00:12:54.500 And he just went

00:12:55.120 No

00:12:56.920 No

00:12:58.120 And I'm like

00:12:59.500 Yeah but it's funny

00:13:00.860 Right

00:13:01.080 And he's like

00:13:01.600 Yeah I get it

00:13:02.920 Just fucking move along

00:13:04.760 Man

00:13:05.120 It was just like

00:13:06.020 Yeah

00:13:06.320 Patient zero

00:13:07.400 He's just like

00:13:08.740 No I'm not

00:13:10.300 Move along

00:13:11.240 I'm not entertaining

00:13:12.380 This I'm not

00:13:13.000 And he didn't arrest me

00:13:14.120 Thank fucking god

00:13:15.100 But it was just like

00:13:16.340 Yeah that's not your diarrhea

00:13:18.080 Yeah

00:13:18.640 That's a horse

00:13:19.340 Okay yeah

00:13:20.080 Yeah

00:13:20.400 You're copying his diarrhea

00:13:22.200 Yeah that's copy written

00:13:23.480 Basically too

00:13:24.340 As well I think

00:13:25.060 It's shoddy written

00:13:26.280 Yeah yeah

00:13:26.940 The craziest thing is

00:13:30.760 That's New Orleans

00:13:31.720 You'll be eating

00:13:32.400 In a fine dining restaurant

00:13:33.740 And then a horse

00:13:35.120 Just bowel blasts

00:13:37.020 That's

00:13:37.440 Fucking one of the panes

00:13:38.800 Of window glass

00:13:39.880 Out

00:13:40.140 Because

00:13:40.600 Everybody right outside

00:13:42.800 Of the restaurant

00:13:43.400 Is just drinking

00:13:44.920 Hand grenades

00:13:45.400 Drinking each other's blood

00:13:46.820 Yeah they're having caviar

00:13:47.980 Yeah that's crazy

00:13:48.480 And then all of a sudden

00:13:49.120 Fucking splatty are

00:13:50.280 Comes out the fucking window

00:13:52.440 Chelsea's on a

00:13:55.080 Vacation bar

00:13:57.180 Everyone's fucked

00:13:58.360 Oh my god

00:14:00.500 Praise him

00:14:01.580 We're a top

00:14:02.620 Can you praise him

00:14:05.760 The baby god

00:14:08.140 And he's with us

00:14:09.920 What was I gonna fucking say to you

00:14:12.820 Good to see you dude

00:14:13.720 Great to see you

00:14:14.560 I love you

00:14:15.040 I had a series of times

00:14:17.040 In New Orleans

00:14:17.260 I would get drunk

00:14:18.220 And go

00:14:19.040 Me and my friend would go

00:14:21.460 We would get too drunk

00:14:22.640 And then we would just go

00:14:23.620 Start

00:14:24.340 We'd get under like

00:14:25.620 One of the overpasses

00:14:26.640 Of the bridge there

00:14:27.260 And we'd start vomiting together

00:14:28.880 But in between

00:14:30.560 Vomits we would like

00:14:31.340 Just dap each other up

00:14:32.520 In what city

00:14:32.740 New Orleans

00:14:33.640 In between vomiting

00:14:35.040 Like we would

00:14:35.600 Because we would go through

00:14:36.560 Profuse bouts of vomiting

00:14:37.800 Because like

00:14:38.280 You know

00:14:39.780 Some of the alcohol

00:14:40.400 It's just like

00:14:41.020 They made it at home

00:14:42.420 Some of the alcohol

00:14:43.140 Is like

00:14:43.720 Right

00:14:43.980 New Orleans is

00:14:44.980 It's like hair filtered

00:14:46.200 They're like hair filtered

00:14:47.520 Pubic hair

00:14:49.160 That's the thing

00:14:50.680 It's pubics

00:14:52.020 It's pubics cubes

00:14:54.220 Yeah

00:14:54.600 Yeah New Orleans is like

00:14:56.200 It's one of the cities

00:14:57.280 Where I'm like

00:14:58.000 Horrified

00:14:59.920 Where I'm like

00:15:00.680 Oh god

00:15:01.300 Like what

00:15:02.020 Like Vegas I can deal with

00:15:03.620 It's fine

00:15:04.100 But there's certain cities

00:15:05.580 Where I'm like

00:15:05.980 Oh god

00:15:06.500 How is this gonna

00:15:07.500 Fucking play out

00:15:08.600 Yeah

00:15:08.880 You know what I mean

00:15:09.860 Where they just

00:15:10.420 Pull you into their

00:15:11.500 Fucking magic

00:15:13.360 Fucking voodoo

00:15:15.120 Well it's a lot of

00:15:16.340 Big titties

00:15:17.180 A lot of gout

00:15:18.100 A lot of

00:15:19.280 Undiagnosed sunburn

00:15:21.760 A lot of mosquito bites

00:15:25.020 Malaria

00:15:25.920 Good food

00:15:27.180 Now that's one thing

00:15:28.080 Ebola

00:15:28.380 Yeah some

00:15:29.520 Yeah

00:15:30.120 Quarter cup

00:15:30.680 A tad

00:15:31.220 Yeah

00:15:31.660 Maybe a shot

00:15:32.640 Quarter cup

00:15:33.520 But it's one of those cities

00:15:35.220 Where there's just so much going on

00:15:36.360 But there's music going on

00:15:38.140 You know

00:15:38.780 Yeah that's the thing

00:15:39.900 It's like the bar in Star Wars

00:15:41.140 Where it's like

00:15:41.520 Boop boop boop boop boop boop

00:15:42.900 And you're like

00:15:43.760 Oh

00:15:44.180 Yeah I can drink

00:15:45.740 A vase

00:15:47.000 Of alcohol

00:15:48.420 It's not even like

00:15:49.860 Casual drinking

00:15:51.120 It's just like

00:15:51.680 Oh can I get a fire hose

00:15:53.340 A fucking

00:15:54.180 Thing called hurricane

00:15:55.440 They had a hurricane

00:15:57.360 Yeah

00:15:57.800 It's a fucking debilitating

00:15:59.080 And they're like

00:16:00.200 Let's run it back

00:16:01.500 Yeah

00:16:01.860 Let's keep the drink going

00:16:03.020 It's a fucking

00:16:04.180 Sugary IV

00:16:05.380 It's just a diabetes

00:16:07.340 Falcon crest

00:16:08.640 Good god

00:16:09.960 All the drinks

00:16:10.660 They're just named

00:16:11.460 After things that will

00:16:12.040 Just kill you

00:16:12.700 Around that area

00:16:13.400 Yeah

00:16:14.100 100%

00:16:15.700 Can I get an AIDS bomb

00:16:17.300 Yeah can I get a

00:16:18.540 Black on black crime

00:16:20.200 With a splash of

00:16:22.080 Chianti

00:16:23.980 Can I get a

00:16:24.740 Stabbed in the shadows

00:16:25.860 Is that possible

00:16:28.100 Oh my god

00:16:29.520 Can I get a

00:16:30.040 Back flip through

00:16:31.040 Some fucking

00:16:31.620 Throat mist

00:16:32.660 Homie

00:16:33.160 Throat mist

00:16:35.020 Can I get a

00:16:36.860 Machete to the dick

00:16:38.400 Shot

00:16:40.260 Dude

00:16:41.900 Some shot names

00:16:42.960 It's way too

00:16:44.320 It's like

00:16:45.820 Machete to the dick

00:16:49.120 Or

00:16:50.000 You'll have like

00:16:52.040 Vulva Doberman

00:16:53.340 And you're like

00:16:53.960 That seems

00:16:54.700 Can I get a

00:16:56.880 Clit taco sandwich

00:16:58.520 What is that

00:17:00.160 No it's got

00:17:01.260 Peanut butter

00:17:01.800 And fucking

00:17:02.980 Gin

00:17:04.140 Bird flu

00:17:04.700 Bird flu

00:17:06.280 Yeah it's fucking

00:17:08.220 Horrifying

00:17:08.860 But like

00:17:10.020 What's a city

00:17:10.600 Where you're like

00:17:11.440 Just touring

00:17:13.780 I'm like

00:17:14.320 You obviously

00:17:15.200 I have like

00:17:15.980 I mean you spent

00:17:16.580 A year at Key West

00:17:17.680 You know in Key West

00:17:18.580 A year and a half

00:17:19.700 In Key West

00:17:20.180 Okay sorry

00:17:20.820 I can't believe

00:17:21.280 I fucking survived

00:17:22.260 That by the way

00:17:23.240 By the way

00:17:23.900 New tour

00:17:24.460 Toilet Head

00:17:25.880 This fall

00:17:26.560 NickSquartson.net

00:17:27.480 Really

00:17:27.820 Yep

00:17:28.260 Oh nice man

00:17:29.000 I have a whole new hour

00:17:29.800 And then a new hour

00:17:30.520 Coming out on YouTube

00:17:31.460 July 18th

00:17:32.920 Do you really

00:17:33.640 Yeah

00:17:34.160 Let's go

00:17:34.800 Dude

00:17:35.300 Not my first rodeo dog

00:17:37.160 Bro that's awesome man

00:17:38.540 Rodeo

00:17:39.120 Rodeo

00:17:41.240 Rodeo

00:17:42.160 I was just in Las Vegas

00:17:44.560 I almost went and saw

00:17:45.280 The Grateful Dead

00:17:46.020 At The Sphere

00:17:46.460 I might go back

00:17:47.360 To see

00:17:48.960 This weekend

00:17:49.600 Our show

00:17:50.200 The show didn't get out

00:17:51.680 Early enough for us

00:17:52.380 To get over there

00:17:52.840 We tried to get over there

00:17:53.480 We got stuck in traffic

00:17:54.280 Weren't you there

00:17:55.220 When I was there

00:17:55.920 What hotel are you at

00:17:57.400 At the

00:17:58.140 Staying at the Wynn Hotel

00:17:59.220 Wynn Encore

00:18:00.720 But where do you do

00:18:01.460 Shows there

00:18:01.900 We did a show

00:18:02.860 At Resorts World

00:18:03.940 Oh okay

00:18:05.120 Yeah that's a new one

00:18:06.100 Yeah

00:18:06.520 Is it great

00:18:06.840 Yeah

00:18:08.060 I didn't stay at the hotel

00:18:09.820 The place

00:18:10.720 The venue

00:18:11.040 I thought was really cool

00:18:11.920 It was nice

00:18:12.880 The stage is like shiny

00:18:14.240 And you get out there

00:18:15.920 It feels pretty fancy really

00:18:17.280 Yeah

00:18:17.900 I heard it's great

00:18:18.780 But it was good dude

00:18:19.960 I do the Venetian now

00:18:21.160 Ooh

00:18:21.980 Yeah

00:18:22.540 So that's connected

00:18:23.700 To The Sphere

00:18:24.300 Which is awesome

00:18:25.720 And I went to

00:18:26.220 And I saw U2 there

00:18:27.620 Nuh uh

00:18:28.260 Yeah

00:18:28.600 It was amazing

00:18:29.440 Now would you say

00:18:31.140 It's like

00:18:32.000 I had somebody this week

00:18:33.880 And they said

00:18:34.680 I don't know if I would

00:18:36.500 Want to see a show

00:18:37.500 Somewhere else now

00:18:38.740 Because it's so interesting there

00:18:40.060 And they labeled themselves

00:18:41.280 A Spherehead

00:18:42.460 And I just never heard that

00:18:44.280 It was like

00:18:45.080 Like I've heard somebody

00:18:46.480 Be like a

00:18:46.940 Like a

00:18:47.440 Fan of a band

00:18:48.900 But never like

00:18:49.600 Of a venue that much

00:18:50.840 I was like wow

00:18:51.680 Yeah I disagree with that

00:18:53.740 Really you didn't

00:18:54.240 It wasn't like that

00:18:55.140 I thought

00:18:55.580 It was an amazing show

00:18:57.400 It was awesome

00:18:58.300 But it's like

00:18:59.160 The stage is so small

00:19:01.440 So it's like

00:19:02.440 You know obviously

00:19:03.220 It's very visceral

00:19:04.260 Let me look at this bro

00:19:05.460 Oh my god

00:19:07.260 Is that what it was like for you?

00:19:08.960 I'm erect

00:19:09.520 Did I film that?

00:19:12.840 Doubt it

00:19:13.480 Is that

00:19:14.160 Who's there

00:19:14.620 Dan Cook?

00:19:15.300 It's high quality

00:19:16.100 This does look like

00:19:17.000 A Dan Cook special huh?

00:19:18.640 Bro this wasn't

00:19:19.660 Unbelievable

00:19:20.520 Yeah but I didn't

00:19:22.800 I didn't have

00:19:23.320 That's not enough for you

00:19:23.940 I don't live in a drone

00:19:25.040 I don't fly around

00:19:26.560 Like a fucking alien

00:19:28.160 That's true

00:19:28.960 Yeah

00:19:29.420 This is drone footage

00:19:30.440 We're looking at guys

00:19:30.940 You can't see it at home

00:19:31.840 Because you

00:19:32.220 Or you can see it at home

00:19:33.960 But some of you

00:19:34.860 Can't see it

00:19:35.360 Because you're on a radio

00:19:36.240 You're listening on a radio

00:19:37.320 I mean

00:19:39.460 It was epic

00:19:41.100 You know what

00:19:43.100 Who I want to see there

00:19:44.060 Wham

00:19:44.620 Whites against Mexicans

00:19:46.420 Yep

00:19:47.580 Nope

00:19:48.520 Wham

00:19:49.000 George Michael

00:19:49.720 Rest in peace

00:19:50.320 Oh really

00:19:51.540 Are they doing a reenactment

00:19:52.540 Or whatever

00:19:52.820 I just

00:19:53.900 I pray for it

00:19:54.700 I think that's a weird

00:19:56.040 Prayer to have

00:19:56.800 But I want that to happen

00:19:58.540 For there to be a wham

00:19:59.460 Wham

00:19:59.860 We had a group called

00:20:00.600 Wham

00:20:00.920 In our town

00:20:01.340 It was whites

00:20:01.760 Against Mexicans

00:20:02.440 It was two dudes

00:20:03.560 That's the most

00:20:04.020 New Orleans thing

00:20:04.840 I've ever heard

00:20:05.420 Well they just

00:20:06.580 Didn't have any

00:20:06.980 I think they kind of

00:20:07.860 Actually wanted Mexicans

00:20:08.920 They were just afraid

00:20:09.520 To invite them

00:20:10.140 Or whatever

00:20:10.500 Right

00:20:11.140 And so a lot of times

00:20:12.040 People like

00:20:12.980 Pretend like

00:20:13.520 They don't want it

00:20:14.200 Even though they want it

00:20:15.140 You know

00:20:16.320 Okay

00:20:16.700 Like we're whites

00:20:17.360 Against Mexicans

00:20:18.740 Hey

00:20:19.280 Yeah

00:20:19.920 I mean okay

00:20:20.920 Like reverse psychology

00:20:22.920 You know what I'm talking about

00:20:23.400 Right

00:20:23.640 I get it

00:20:24.200 But it's like

00:20:24.900 They could invite them

00:20:26.000 Yeah

00:20:26.440 And then maybe just

00:20:27.220 Have a margarita

00:20:28.500 Yeah

00:20:28.960 And enjoy your life

00:20:29.960 Well I'm

00:20:30.460 Yeah

00:20:30.980 I mean the group

00:20:32.220 Was affiliated for probably

00:20:33.160 11 months

00:20:33.740 I don't think they had a

00:20:34.860 Like charter

00:20:36.300 They didn't have like a sponsor

00:20:37.120 Yeah they didn't have a sponsor

00:20:38.040 They didn't have a charter

00:20:38.600 They didn't have like

00:20:39.040 White Claw

00:20:39.500 They didn't have a long term

00:20:40.680 Yeah

00:20:41.180 They didn't have a brand shop

00:20:42.400 Yeah they didn't have

00:20:43.680 A food truck is sponsoring

00:20:45.960 They didn't have like

00:20:48.000 Joe Dirk

00:20:48.580 You know I love going to concerts

00:20:51.080 And other events

00:20:52.020 I went to a Las Vegas Aces game

00:20:55.400 The other day

00:20:56.060 And I really enjoyed that

00:20:58.260 And it was thankful to

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00:22:13.300 You know

00:22:13.980 Podcasting

00:22:14.940 Has come with

00:22:15.760 Things I didn't expect

00:22:17.200 Like having a merch

00:22:18.660 Store online

00:22:19.800 You know

00:22:20.880 Originally we had

00:22:21.920 My buddy Kevin

00:22:23.080 Was just making

00:22:23.760 The t-shirts

00:22:24.420 Out of his

00:22:24.940 Basement

00:22:26.380 With his brother

00:22:27.240 Who I think

00:22:27.660 Was drinking a lot

00:22:29.380 But um

00:22:29.980 But that changed

00:22:31.800 Over time

00:22:32.440 As things built

00:22:33.780 And grew bigger

00:22:34.560 We needed some

00:22:35.680 E-commerce help

00:22:37.120 That's what they call it

00:22:38.080 We started getting

00:22:39.380 Worried if things

00:22:39.960 Would be done right

00:22:40.760 Or how they would be done

00:22:41.980 And if they would be

00:22:43.180 Done the same

00:22:44.120 Every time

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00:23:37.260 I haven't seen you since

00:23:39.120 Well I saw the video

00:23:40.060 That you had

00:23:40.420 About the drink

00:23:41.000 Where you got

00:23:41.860 Just

00:23:43.360 What happened

00:23:44.460 With the video

00:23:44.980 It was in Colorado

00:23:45.720 Right

00:23:46.140 Colorado

00:23:47.120 Because Ari Manis

00:23:47.880 Was working with you

00:23:48.640 Yeah

00:23:49.040 Yeah

00:23:49.440 I just worked with Ari

00:23:50.740 This weekend

00:23:51.240 Yeah he's great

00:23:51.980 Yeah he's great

00:23:52.680 He's really brilliant

00:23:53.500 Yeah it was like

00:23:54.600 The start of

00:23:55.260 My whole spring tour

00:23:56.460 And it was like

00:23:57.160 Club dates

00:23:57.720 To get ready

00:23:58.280 For Toilet Head

00:23:59.160 Again

00:23:59.780 This fall

00:24:01.080 NickSquartson.net

00:24:02.520 Toilet Head

00:24:03.580 Floss

00:24:04.960 And we had a

00:24:05.360 Floss sound right there

00:24:06.280 So yeah

00:24:08.600 I took an edible

00:24:09.420 9,000 feed

00:24:10.640 Nuh uh

00:24:11.240 Yeah

00:24:11.740 And it was like

00:24:13.020 The shows were great

00:24:14.720 After that

00:24:15.260 But it was like

00:24:15.880 Yeah

00:24:16.180 It was a full

00:24:17.100 Brain fart

00:24:17.760 And I've rarely

00:24:18.960 Had that

00:24:19.620 Outside of New Orleans

00:24:20.560 Where I vomited

00:24:21.240 And threw it

00:24:21.900 Into my hand

00:24:22.500 But yeah

00:24:23.560 It was just like

00:24:23.980 A full brain fart

00:24:24.700 And I was on stage

00:24:26.420 I was like

00:24:26.820 Oh my god

00:24:27.540 And the edible

00:24:28.260 Hit me

00:24:28.780 And I was like

00:24:29.340 Fuck

00:24:30.660 And I'm like

00:24:32.200 On stage

00:24:33.420 You know what I mean

00:24:33.900 Like when you're live

00:24:34.840 And you're like

00:24:35.300 Oh

00:24:36.380 Yeah

00:24:37.800 Here we go

00:24:38.880 And I was like

00:24:40.340 Just high as fuck

00:24:42.860 And balls

00:24:43.600 So you were high

00:24:44.720 So you weren't drunk

00:24:45.440 No I had a couple cocktails

00:24:47.360 But the edible

00:24:48.020 Is what really hit me

00:24:49.160 Oh

00:24:49.560 Was it

00:24:50.980 Bro that makes me

00:24:52.500 So scared

00:24:53.080 I've had moments

00:24:53.940 Just where I can't

00:24:54.640 Kind of remember

00:24:55.260 What I'm talking about

00:24:56.060 And even that gets

00:24:57.240 Scarier

00:24:57.640 I'll have like a bit

00:24:58.480 That maybe didn't go as well

00:24:59.600 And now I'm like

00:25:00.140 I start to feel like

00:25:01.360 Nervous

00:25:02.140 And then

00:25:02.560 If I can't figure out

00:25:04.080 My next step

00:25:04.960 I get super scared

00:25:06.460 So I can't even imagine

00:25:08.240 If an edible

00:25:09.020 Yeah it was like

00:25:09.520 But it was so blown

00:25:10.460 Out of proportion

00:25:11.120 It's like it wasn't like

00:25:12.040 A disaster

00:25:13.120 Well people were yelling

00:25:14.540 Play like

00:25:14.940 Play like 10 seconds

00:25:16.080 Have you watched it?

00:25:17.060 Yeah go for it

00:25:17.760 Well you did it

00:25:18.860 What are you

00:25:20.700 Saying right now?

00:25:23.600 I'll say this

00:25:24.660 Let me ask you this

00:25:26.420 This is a weighted question

00:25:28.420 What?

00:25:32.660 What?

00:25:35.780 Okay

00:25:36.220 I'll turn to Jeff

00:25:37.480 Alright here we go

00:25:41.480 And somebody yelled

00:25:42.100 F*** too

00:25:42.900 And that was

00:25:43.360 The crowd

00:25:46.080 Was so belligerent

00:25:47.440 Anybody here

00:25:48.480 Have kids?

00:25:49.120 Anybody here

00:25:49.640 What the hell?

00:25:52.600 Oh my god

00:25:53.580 Dude it was amazing

00:25:54.560 Okay

00:25:55.380 And my apologies

00:25:56.480 To Beaver Creek

00:25:57.100 I'm not proud of

00:25:57.940 Like that

00:25:58.800 But I was like

00:25:59.340 Yeah what do you have to say

00:26:00.020 I was so fucking high

00:26:01.100 I was like

00:26:01.580 What do you have to say

00:26:02.240 To the people

00:26:02.600 At Beaver Creek

00:26:03.120 Who first of all

00:26:03.800 They legalized marijuana there

00:26:05.680 Yeah by the way

00:26:06.800 I'm not the first person

00:26:07.580 To get high in Colorado

00:26:08.760 Yeah

00:26:09.360 Like that's not

00:26:10.780 I'm not fucking

00:26:11.780 So we have to say

00:26:12.640 To those people

00:26:12.980 Because yeah

00:26:13.660 It's a tough

00:26:14.320 That's a double-edged sword

00:26:15.280 Right

00:26:15.540 If you invite me over

00:26:16.820 To chocolate town

00:26:18.980 Or whatever

00:26:19.420 Right

00:26:19.800 Right

00:26:20.340 And I show up

00:26:21.780 And I end up getting

00:26:23.220 Diabetes or whatever

00:26:25.320 Like a black lung

00:26:26.500 Whatever you get

00:26:27.000 From eating too much chocolate

00:26:27.800 Like Willy Wonka

00:26:28.460 Invites you to the chocolate factory

00:26:29.960 Right

00:26:30.220 And he's like

00:26:31.180 Suck my chocolate dick

00:26:32.700 And then you have diabetes

00:26:34.300 Right

00:26:35.460 The people

00:26:36.080 And it's on camera

00:26:37.020 Yeah and it's on camera

00:26:38.340 But the people

00:26:40.020 In the town

00:26:41.480 Have some responsibility

00:26:42.320 The people that built the factory

00:26:43.620 And let you have

00:26:44.840 As much chocolate as you want

00:26:46.340 Yeah they're making it

00:26:47.440 They're sitting there

00:26:48.360 Making it

00:26:50.040 And then they judge Judy you

00:26:52.000 Get the fuck out of here

00:26:53.480 Yeah that's what

00:26:53.960 You Wonka people

00:26:55.040 Yeah

00:26:55.440 Fucking bonkers

00:26:56.760 Fucking darn nation

00:26:59.120 So what happened

00:27:00.760 My apologies to Beaver Creek

00:27:01.600 Sorry

00:27:01.840 Yeah

00:27:02.280 No

00:27:02.620 Well it's a beautiful area too

00:27:04.100 And where were you at

00:27:05.300 You guys were at a theater there

00:27:06.380 Yeah it was a theater

00:27:07.360 You're performing

00:27:08.260 You go out there

00:27:09.300 Did you know before you went out there

00:27:10.500 That you were like

00:27:11.100 I should not go out there right now

00:27:12.560 No I was like

00:27:13.640 I was totally fine

00:27:14.620 But like again

00:27:15.700 Like the edible hit me

00:27:16.780 Right when I was in the middle of my set

00:27:19.060 And it was a new set

00:27:20.020 So it's like

00:27:20.740 Again it's actually really great

00:27:22.600 Toilet head

00:27:23.380 This fall

00:27:24.320 It's a solid endorsement

00:27:26.480 But I was like

00:27:27.620 Oh god

00:27:28.560 And it's like

00:27:29.000 If anybody's taking an edible

00:27:30.220 Especially

00:27:30.720 If you're in altitude

00:27:32.520 Like 9,000 feet

00:27:33.860 Even if you're stone sober

00:27:35.780 It's like aggressive

00:27:37.800 You know what I mean

00:27:38.600 Like it hits you

00:27:40.080 Stone sober

00:27:40.960 But I took an edible

00:27:42.260 With a couple cocktails

00:27:43.160 And I was like

00:27:43.700 Oh no

00:27:44.380 And I'm like

00:27:45.580 God

00:27:46.340 Here we go

00:27:47.160 And I remember the venue

00:27:48.460 Went to Ari

00:27:49.200 And they were like

00:27:49.700 We're gonna pull Nick

00:27:50.900 And Ari was like

00:27:51.820 At my back

00:27:52.460 He's like

00:27:52.780 Don't do that

00:27:54.080 Nick will figure it out

00:27:55.120 You know what I mean

00:27:55.980 Like he'll just

00:27:57.000 He'll figure it out

00:27:58.220 It's not his first rodeo

00:27:59.260 And they were like

00:28:00.740 Nope

00:28:01.040 And they pulled me

00:28:01.840 Yeah cause they cut the mic

00:28:03.360 At one point

00:28:03.820 So then you're just

00:28:04.300 Talking

00:28:04.780 They can't even hear you

00:28:05.700 Yeah I was like

00:28:06.380 Oh alright

00:28:07.240 Josie's on the back

00:28:08.800 I was like

00:28:09.540 The fuck

00:28:10.500 Were people yelled

00:28:11.960 Like what were

00:28:13.060 I don't know

00:28:14.780 Cause I

00:28:15.060 You were kinda blacked out

00:28:16.460 I wasn't blacked out

00:28:18.140 I was just like

00:28:18.920 I didn't have my set list

00:28:20.640 With me

00:28:21.040 And like

00:28:21.560 You know people like

00:28:22.660 Will comment

00:28:23.600 Like that were in the crowd

00:28:24.640 I'm like

00:28:25.080 Yeah I could've gotten through it

00:28:26.920 But I think people were booing

00:28:28.060 Because they pulled me

00:28:29.660 I think they were like

00:28:31.560 What the fuck

00:28:32.060 Why is Nick

00:28:32.700 Getting pulled

00:28:33.700 But I think it was

00:28:34.320 Half and half

00:28:34.900 Yeah cause some people

00:28:35.840 Start yelling

00:28:36.220 Get this

00:28:36.900 F got

00:28:37.700 Or whatever

00:28:38.260 Off the stage

00:28:39.480 You can say

00:28:40.140 Fagorny waiver

00:28:41.440 Yeah get this

00:28:42.240 This

00:28:43.040 Faganic

00:28:44.120 Faganic

00:28:45.380 Yeah get this

00:28:46.640 Beautiful little

00:28:47.340 Care bear

00:28:47.900 Off the stage

00:28:48.580 Somebody yelled that

00:28:49.400 Actually

00:28:50.060 Which I thought was cute

00:28:51.000 Yeah which is appropriate

00:28:52.200 When you got backstage

00:28:53.780 What was it like

00:28:54.400 What did the management

00:28:54.980 Say to you or something

00:28:55.740 They were like

00:28:57.360 Yeah

00:28:58.540 So

00:28:59.220 Yeah

00:29:00.800 And I was like

00:29:02.460 Yeah what

00:29:02.920 Alright

00:29:03.940 Okay

00:29:06.340 That happened

00:29:07.760 Oh yeah I hate it

00:29:08.600 When people don't even

00:29:09.140 Know what to say

00:29:09.800 Yeah they were like

00:29:10.840 Oh hey

00:29:11.780 Oh

00:29:12.700 Oh

00:29:13.720 Suck

00:29:15.640 Suck you

00:29:16.540 Like it was just ambiguous

00:29:18.280 I was like what the fuck

00:29:19.340 Did you wake up the next day

00:29:21.460 And you were like

00:29:21.880 Cause what happened after that

00:29:22.940 If the edible hit

00:29:23.560 It's probably pretty hard

00:29:24.440 Huh

00:29:24.700 No it was the best

00:29:25.520 Because I went and did

00:29:26.780 Two sold out

00:29:27.500 All my shows sold out

00:29:28.800 After that

00:29:29.160 They were awesome

00:29:29.920 Oh yeah

00:29:30.580 People can attest to that

00:29:31.500 At that point

00:29:32.420 People want to come

00:29:33.040 And also see

00:29:33.740 If you're gonna fuck up

00:29:34.580 As well I bet

00:29:35.120 Yeah so I did two shows

00:29:36.040 In Aspen

00:29:36.540 At the Belly Ups

00:29:37.320 One of my favorite venues

00:29:38.440 People threw edibles

00:29:39.900 At me on stage

00:29:40.920 Uh uh

00:29:41.300 I was on stage

00:29:42.520 Physically

00:29:43.520 I was covered in edibles

00:29:45.080 On the stage

00:29:46.380 And then I did like

00:29:47.600 Six shows in Denver

00:29:48.500 It was like all awesome

00:29:49.700 So oh

00:29:50.660 So you

00:29:50.920 You went out

00:29:51.700 Right after that

00:29:52.480 Oh I

00:29:53.000 That was the start

00:29:54.140 Of my spring tour

00:29:55.200 So that was the initial show

00:29:57.380 Of like

00:29:58.540 That's how I kicked it off

00:30:00.460 And I was like

00:30:01.000 Woke up

00:30:01.720 And all of a sudden

00:30:02.700 It was like

00:30:03.040 A hundred text messages

00:30:04.040 And people were like

00:30:04.740 Hey man

00:30:05.800 You're on CNN

00:30:07.240 It was like so dumb

00:30:09.000 Yeah

00:30:09.400 I'm like

00:30:09.860 Really?

00:30:11.220 Like we're gonna blow this out

00:30:12.840 Like

00:30:13.160 Like uh

00:30:14.620 TMZ called me

00:30:15.440 They're like

00:30:15.720 We want to comment

00:30:17.200 I'm like

00:30:17.800 For fucking what?

00:30:19.200 I got too high in Colorado

00:30:20.400 I apologize

00:30:21.980 I'll do my own apology

00:30:23.220 I apologize to Beaver Creek

00:30:24.880 I love them very much

00:30:26.120 Very sweet

00:30:26.640 Are they sweet though?

00:30:27.720 If they got you all

00:30:28.360 I don't know

00:30:29.040 I don't know

00:30:29.820 Jury's still out on that

00:30:31.060 But

00:30:31.940 They were nice enough

00:30:33.200 To show up

00:30:33.880 And then

00:30:34.380 You know

00:30:34.900 Who

00:30:35.420 Who gave you the edible?

00:30:37.760 I don't want to snitch on anybody

00:30:39.220 But somebody did it

00:30:40.640 You

00:30:41.760 You

00:30:42.380 You want the truth?

00:30:43.340 Yeah

00:30:43.640 Abraham Lincoln

00:30:45.820 No way

00:30:47.300 Yep

00:30:49.860 Yeah

00:30:51.920 Well he got so high

00:30:53.760 He freed all the slaves

00:30:55.780 Dude he freed my brain

00:30:57.680 He did

00:30:58.740 How about that?

00:30:59.840 He fucking unleashed

00:31:00.920 The Kraken

00:31:02.200 That's why we pray

00:31:03.920 Well

00:31:04.580 He should

00:31:05.620 Yeah

00:31:05.920 And he unleashed

00:31:07.080 The non-crackers as well

00:31:08.780 I know that

00:31:09.360 That's for sure

00:31:10.100 He 100% did that

00:31:11.980 There's nobody like him

00:31:13.680 Dude imagine what it must have been like

00:31:15.140 For everyone like him

00:31:15.660 Right

00:31:15.800 If everybody was racist at the time

00:31:17.160 And he just rolls up

00:31:17.980 He's like guys

00:31:18.700 Crazy idea

00:31:20.580 I'm gonna go to the opera

00:31:23.700 Just

00:31:25.260 I don't need security

00:31:26.200 No

00:31:27.040 He's

00:31:27.420 I'm saying

00:31:27.800 He's gonna release

00:31:28.780 All the slaves man

00:31:30.500 Yeah

00:31:31.260 But he had to pitch that

00:31:32.500 To his buddies first

00:31:33.540 Yeah

00:31:34.800 I see what you're saying

00:31:35.460 You don't just surprise everybody

00:31:36.720 Like say hey everybody

00:31:37.380 Cover your eyes

00:31:38.360 Right

00:31:39.420 And then ta-da

00:31:40.540 So he was the

00:31:42.540 Original magician

00:31:43.920 Is that what you're saying?

00:31:44.620 I mean I'm just saying

00:31:45.360 He pulled a lot of brothers

00:31:46.320 Out of a fucking pretty tough hat

00:31:47.740 Yeah he did

00:31:48.960 But that was a big chop hat

00:31:50.440 Yeah it was

00:31:51.240 Those are fucking

00:31:51.940 Hard black necks

00:31:53.080 You know he kept his notes

00:31:54.240 In that hat a lot

00:31:55.160 Yeah

00:31:55.860 A lot of that

00:31:57.080 He was

00:31:57.660 And he was very tall as well

00:31:59.620 How tall was he?

00:32:02.560 That's a valid question

00:32:03.600 How tall was his beard?

00:32:05.880 I mean his wife

00:32:06.680 6'4 bro

00:32:08.640 He was the tallest president

00:32:09.900 Tallest U.S. president

00:32:10.860 So he can

00:32:13.060 He can dunk

00:32:14.040 Which brings it back

00:32:16.120 To

00:32:16.380 Black people

00:32:17.940 Oh he definitely

00:32:18.920 Obviously wanted to hoop

00:32:20.040 Or he wouldn't have released

00:32:20.880 All those guys

00:32:21.360 Yeah he

00:32:21.960 Like he fucking

00:32:23.140 Did pick up games

00:32:24.700 Dude there's no way

00:32:25.800 You're not like

00:32:26.360 Oh fuck

00:32:26.960 I need some better competition

00:32:28.160 Yeah he's like

00:32:29.800 We gotta get these

00:32:30.580 He's like let's go

00:32:31.800 These fucking white people

00:32:33.480 We gotta get these

00:32:34.260 Brothers on the court

00:32:35.140 Oh yeah I'm sure

00:32:36.060 James Madison

00:32:37.100 Whenever he probably fucking

00:32:38.180 Totally jammed on that

00:32:40.960 Oh my god

00:32:41.660 How hard did he dunk

00:32:43.340 On Thomas Jefferson?

00:32:44.880 Oh

00:32:45.120 He took his way

00:32:46.120 Did he dunk on him

00:32:47.200 With the constitution?

00:32:48.620 He was like

00:32:49.320 Give me this piece of paper

00:32:50.760 Bye

00:32:52.080 Fucking

00:32:53.240 Bye

00:32:53.840 Bye

00:32:54.180 Bye

00:32:54.980 Wait

00:32:57.440 Side note

00:32:57.900 So

00:32:58.180 Hold on

00:32:59.140 Sorry

00:32:59.380 I just got off the road

00:33:00.860 And I did like

00:33:02.040 Three and a half months

00:33:03.120 Straight

00:33:03.580 Did you really?

00:33:04.640 Yeah

00:33:04.880 Three and a half months straight

00:33:05.780 Did you go to rehab

00:33:06.920 For that three and a half months

00:33:07.700 Or not?

00:33:08.340 Or were you really doing comedy?

00:33:10.080 Dude I was doing like

00:33:10.920 Clubs

00:33:11.420 Working at my set

00:33:12.700 You were

00:33:13.140 So people are so bonkers

00:33:14.520 So

00:33:15.020 Like when you come to a show

00:33:17.020 Awesome

00:33:18.000 Yeah

00:33:18.460 Love you

00:33:18.940 Oh yeah

00:33:19.540 Let's not be bonkers

00:33:20.620 So these are two road stories

00:33:23.200 Where this guy

00:33:24.900 Hotel bar

00:33:25.640 At the Marriott

00:33:26.620 Awesome

00:33:27.340 This guy shows up

00:33:29.080 And he goes

00:33:29.540 Hey man are you Nick Swartzen?

00:33:30.720 I go yeah

00:33:31.180 And he goes

00:33:32.360 Can I have a drink with you?

00:33:33.680 And I'm like yeah totally

00:33:34.520 Like I'm down

00:33:35.440 Like if anybody wants a photo

00:33:37.060 Cocktail

00:33:37.820 I'm down

00:33:38.300 This guy saddles up

00:33:40.220 And he

00:33:40.940 Swear to god

00:33:41.900 I can't make this up

00:33:42.780 He goes

00:33:43.980 Let me just say something

00:33:46.060 And I go yeah what

00:33:47.060 And he goes

00:33:47.740 I'm gonna say the word

00:33:49.360 A lot

00:33:51.120 A lot

00:33:52.420 He just told you straight up

00:33:53.400 Yeah

00:33:53.540 And I go

00:33:54.100 What?

00:33:54.660 And he goes

00:33:55.000 I'm not racist

00:33:56.060 But I'm just

00:33:56.980 Just so you know

00:33:57.740 I'm gonna say that

00:33:58.580 A lot

00:33:59.140 And I go

00:33:59.840 Well

00:34:00.780 Fucking

00:34:01.580 No

00:34:02.280 You can't

00:34:03.360 Hang out with me

00:34:04.700 Like what

00:34:05.180 What did you think

00:34:06.640 My response would be?

00:34:08.260 Like get the fuck

00:34:09.080 Out of here

00:34:09.680 Yeah

00:34:10.320 Like what would I be like?

00:34:12.220 Ah

00:34:12.620 Finally

00:34:14.460 Somebody has the courage

00:34:16.780 Like no

00:34:17.280 Get the fuck out of here

00:34:18.220 Fucking weirdo

00:34:19.540 Yeah

00:34:19.980 Oh some of that stuff

00:34:21.060 Yeah

00:34:21.280 Some

00:34:21.500 Yeah

00:34:21.980 What road stories

00:34:22.760 Yeah like

00:34:23.180 Dude I have so many

00:34:24.680 I'm like oh my god

00:34:25.660 Really?

00:34:26.580 Oh my god

00:34:27.020 Like crazy people

00:34:28.200 Yeah

00:34:28.900 That just like

00:34:29.780 They just like

00:34:31.360 Drunk chicks are

00:34:32.580 The number one

00:34:34.160 Most bonkers

00:34:35.260 Outside of racist guy

00:34:37.220 But it's like

00:34:38.520 There was one where

00:34:41.340 I did a casino in Connecticut

00:34:43.140 And these girls came up

00:34:44.700 And they were like

00:34:45.220 Hey it's our shop

00:34:47.380 And I go oh cool

00:34:48.980 And they go yeah

00:34:50.120 Funny

00:34:51.160 And I go thank you

00:34:52.580 I go do you want a picture?

00:34:54.180 And they were like no

00:34:54.880 And I'm like okay

00:34:56.060 Well pleasure to meet you

00:34:57.420 Thank you for coming to the show

00:34:58.740 And they're like yeah

00:35:00.600 And I turned around

00:35:01.980 Was playing video poker

00:35:02.980 And they were like

00:35:04.920 Mad for some reason

00:35:06.940 They were like

00:35:07.400 Yeah you know what

00:35:08.280 You're not that funny

00:35:09.040 Fuck you

00:35:10.080 And I was like okay

00:35:11.680 That escalated

00:35:13.300 I'm like yeah

00:35:14.440 I just

00:35:14.800 You don't want a photo?

00:35:16.620 And they're like no

00:35:17.240 Go fuck yourself

00:35:17.940 And they walked away

00:35:18.620 I'm like okay

00:35:19.480 It's Christ

00:35:20.560 So then

00:35:21.600 Boyfriend comes up

00:35:22.880 This guy goes

00:35:24.340 Hey man

00:35:25.400 Were you a dick to my girl?

00:35:27.680 Oh that's the worst

00:35:28.520 And I was like bro

00:35:29.860 I'm like dude

00:35:31.380 I wasn't

00:35:31.940 I was like offered

00:35:32.820 A photo

00:35:33.600 Everything

00:35:34.660 Like I was super nice

00:35:36.100 And he's like okay

00:35:37.500 And I'm like

00:35:38.540 Do you want a shot?

00:35:39.520 Like

00:35:39.760 And he's like okay

00:35:40.940 So he saddles up

00:35:41.780 So we do a shot

00:35:43.040 Watching Sports Center

00:35:43.820 Talking Sports

00:35:44.560 And the guy goes

00:35:45.700 Hey man

00:35:46.840 You know what

00:35:47.320 You're actually really cool

00:35:49.240 And I'm like yeah

00:35:50.600 I'm like a fucking real guy

00:35:51.940 Like I'm just

00:35:52.800 A dude

00:35:53.760 Yeah

00:35:54.200 And he's like

00:35:55.160 Yeah

00:35:56.280 You know what

00:35:57.060 My girlfriend's a fucking cunt

00:35:58.980 Oh yeah

00:35:59.720 He's like

00:36:00.400 Just a fucking bitch

00:36:02.020 Can't handle her liquor

00:36:03.700 And I was like dude

00:36:05.020 I didn't say that

00:36:06.000 But

00:36:06.340 And he's like yeah

00:36:07.720 Fuck that

00:36:08.660 Sorry about this

00:36:09.500 You're cool

00:36:10.120 Like walked away

00:36:11.360 Dude

00:36:12.400 We had

00:36:13.120 I remember one time

00:36:14.340 In that crowd

00:36:15.240 I said all the ladies

00:36:16.080 Close your eyes

00:36:16.820 Alright

00:36:17.040 And then I was like

00:36:17.800 Guys

00:36:18.220 If you could

00:36:19.160 Take your wife on a vacation

00:36:21.540 And eliminate her

00:36:23.020 While y'all were traveling

00:36:23.860 Raise your hand

00:36:25.360 Right

00:36:25.520 And none of the ladies

00:36:26.180 Were allowed to look

00:36:26.860 That's amazing

00:36:28.600 And it was probably

00:36:29.240 Maybe about

00:36:29.800 1,800 people in the crowd

00:36:30.900 About 11 guys

00:36:34.180 Raised their hand

00:36:34.720 That's hilarious

00:36:35.740 And one dude

00:36:36.420 Even did it like this

00:36:37.400 A little bit

00:36:37.880 Like

00:36:38.140 I think because he didn't trust

00:36:40.160 His wife wouldn't see

00:36:41.000 So he kind of just did that

00:36:43.620 But it was like

00:36:45.980 Holy shit dude

00:36:46.860 A lot of women

00:36:47.700 Could go missing

00:36:48.320 Women could go missing

00:36:49.640 So easy

00:36:50.120 I think that's one of the reasons

00:36:51.100 It takes them so long

00:36:51.940 To get ready probably

00:36:52.880 Because

00:36:53.220 It might be

00:36:55.520 Last looks

00:36:57.020 You know

00:36:57.440 Yeah

00:36:57.880 We don't know

00:36:58.540 Yeah

00:36:58.800 That could be like

00:36:59.620 In

00:37:00.560 In your coffin

00:37:02.500 That's what you're doing

00:37:04.080 You got your eyeliner

00:37:05.240 Put it on

00:37:06.080 Yeah

00:37:06.480 Just saddle up

00:37:07.780 Put it on

00:37:08.300 Get your pageant face on

00:37:09.540 Judy

00:37:10.140 Janet

00:37:11.120 Maybe Janet

00:37:12.260 Maybe

00:37:12.600 Karine

00:37:13.820 Maybe Katonkas

00:37:15.900 What's a good

00:37:16.760 Oh bro

00:37:18.400 One night I remember

00:37:19.560 There was a gal

00:37:20.780 I went over to her place

00:37:22.720 What an old timey term

00:37:24.960 By the way

00:37:25.740 A gal

00:37:26.260 A gal

00:37:26.740 Yeah

00:37:27.800 What are you from

00:37:28.400 Fucking

00:37:28.820 You valet your time machine

00:37:30.540 It was

00:37:30.820 Fucking weirdo

00:37:32.140 I was in Philadelphia

00:37:33.180 And there was a gal

00:37:34.700 Bro

00:37:35.320 And Kobe Bryant

00:37:36.280 Had died

00:37:36.940 And she made me sleep

00:37:38.140 In this bed

00:37:38.780 With her

00:37:39.180 And a great

00:37:39.940 Dane bro

00:37:40.900 Named Kobe

00:37:41.760 That wore

00:37:42.840 Lower Marion jersey

00:37:45.140 What high school

00:37:45.640 Did you go to

00:37:46.180 Yeah

00:37:47.000 Lower Marion PA

00:37:47.840 Yeah

00:37:48.400 Yeah

00:37:48.780 Was that Chicago

00:37:49.720 Or no

00:37:50.620 Oh

00:37:52.260 That's where you went

00:37:53.420 I didn't even realize

00:37:54.720 I didn't know

00:37:55.080 That's where that was

00:37:55.680 But I was in Philadelphia

00:37:57.020 It was after a show

00:37:57.920 Stayed over at this girl's house

00:37:59.160 Me

00:37:59.620 This great Dane

00:38:00.520 And her

00:38:00.780 All fucking shared a bed together

00:38:02.080 And the great Dane slept in the middle of us dude

00:38:04.500 So I've never done any like

00:38:06.660 G-A-Y-S-T-U-F-F

00:38:09.560 But

00:38:09.960 That is

00:38:11.940 It's definitely

00:38:12.840 When you're holding a fucking great Dane

00:38:15.100 It's like

00:38:15.520 Right

00:38:16.620 It's not racial

00:38:17.500 But it's like

00:38:18.240 It's intriguing

00:38:20.540 It's intriguing a little bit

00:38:22.820 But it also feels like

00:38:23.900 You're kind of like

00:38:24.940 In a part of the zoo

00:38:26.380 You shouldn't be in

00:38:27.380 Does that make any sense

00:38:29.420 I mean

00:38:29.900 Kind of

00:38:30.940 But also

00:38:31.880 It's like

00:38:32.500 Look at the great Dane right here

00:38:34.320 I mean look at this

00:38:35.940 You can't

00:38:36.900 Oh my god

00:38:37.920 Go back

00:38:38.660 What

00:38:39.140 Who is this people

00:38:40.040 What

00:38:40.420 How big was the great Dane

00:38:43.400 How

00:38:43.860 First of all

00:38:44.520 All your furniture's broken

00:38:46.060 The second

00:38:46.560 Do you have a penis

00:38:46.960 Do you have a penis

00:38:47.740 Does he have a penis

00:38:48.980 Yeah dude

00:38:49.720 If he rolled over

00:38:50.620 His penis

00:38:50.960 Just fell out of the bed

00:38:52.020 And broke the back

00:38:52.740 Of a fucking full grown

00:38:53.640 Oh my god

00:38:54.360 He'll smash a futon

00:38:55.500 Oh it'll break the back

00:38:56.420 Of a full grown cat

00:38:57.480 That's laying on

00:38:58.140 Down there dude

00:38:59.320 It's a fucking

00:38:59.900 His dick was a calf

00:39:00.860 He had calf dick

00:39:02.880 Bro his penis

00:39:04.000 Had shoelaces on him

00:39:05.420 Like that thing is

00:39:06.320 Shit laces

00:39:08.540 Yeah

00:39:08.940 Bro his penis

00:39:10.280 His penis had a little tag on it

00:39:12.280 It said US 10.5

00:39:14.120 UK 11

00:39:15.380 I was like

00:39:15.840 Oh my god

00:39:16.440 Damn

00:39:16.640 He can get his penis at Costco

00:39:18.100 Fucking

00:39:19.380 Whoa

00:39:19.980 He got that fucking

00:39:20.820 Ramp on him

00:39:21.760 You know what I'm saying

00:39:22.840 Oh my god

00:39:23.640 He's got a parking lot dick

00:39:25.800 Are you still drinking

00:39:27.340 These days

00:39:27.700 Because before

00:39:28.080 You weren't

00:39:28.400 You weren't

00:39:28.820 Going to take a break

00:39:29.720 From drinking

00:39:30.060 Are you able to manage it

00:39:30.960 Because you had

00:39:31.320 You know

00:39:32.900 You had

00:39:33.360 Almost died

00:39:34.980 Didn't you

00:39:35.340 You went to the hospital

00:39:36.120 Or whatever

00:39:36.540 Yeah

00:39:37.080 Almost died

00:39:37.820 Yeah

00:39:38.760 Yeah no I manage it

00:39:39.960 Yeah it's fine

00:39:41.000 Is it

00:39:41.600 Are there drinks

00:39:42.420 You cannot have

00:39:43.500 I just like

00:39:45.120 I don't

00:39:45.740 Like I cut out sugar

00:39:46.920 So I just like

00:39:48.020 Drink

00:39:48.340 Like if I do drink

00:39:49.340 It's like

00:39:49.840 Tito's water

00:39:51.240 Like it's pretty basic

00:39:52.620 But like I quit smoking cigarettes

00:39:54.900 You did

00:39:55.540 I never really did drugs

00:39:56.780 So like

00:39:57.480 But like I drink casually

00:39:59.300 Yeah

00:40:00.000 But like I don't go like bonkers

00:40:01.580 Like back in the day

00:40:02.400 Like Key West

00:40:03.860 Was a year and a half

00:40:04.900 Of like

00:40:05.400 Fucking

00:40:06.100 Game on

00:40:08.440 Like it was

00:40:10.180 And what were you doing

00:40:11.240 Because you were just hanging

00:40:11.960 At a hotel bar

00:40:12.820 Remember

00:40:13.080 Because remember

00:40:13.420 Dustin Poirier

00:40:14.200 Yeah we talked about that

00:40:14.880 Yeah we talked about it

00:40:15.740 He saw you down there one time

00:40:17.280 Yeah but I would drink

00:40:19.720 Because it was like

00:40:21.720 During COVID

00:40:22.320 So I was just like

00:40:23.080 Over everything

00:40:23.880 Oh yeah

00:40:24.380 I was just like

00:40:24.660 Fuck

00:40:25.080 Like the world

00:40:26.340 Oh you're just down there

00:40:27.000 Counting cube and swimming

00:40:28.140 Over having a couple

00:40:28.820 Of fucking mojitos

00:40:29.680 Oh dude

00:40:30.000 I was just sucking off

00:40:31.680 Fucking margaritas

00:40:33.680 Oh yeah

00:40:34.440 And that's the guy's name

00:40:36.380 Margarita

00:40:37.340 Yeah

00:40:38.120 Game on Wayne

00:40:39.040 No and I was just like

00:40:41.140 I didn't really give a fuck

00:40:42.140 So I just drank like

00:40:43.000 From 8am to 2 in the morning

00:40:44.440 3 in the morning

00:40:45.060 Every day

00:40:45.920 It was amazing

00:40:47.180 But yeah now like

00:40:48.700 I got my shit together

00:40:49.520 And it's awesome

00:40:50.140 So you didn't go to rehab then

00:40:51.660 I did not know

00:40:53.680 Yeah

00:40:54.020 I mean I've been there before

00:40:55.680 But that was like

00:40:56.600 Years and years ago

00:40:57.740 Yeah

00:40:58.120 I mean hours ago

00:40:59.800 Yeah

00:41:00.280 I mean we're in rehab

00:41:01.960 So this is

00:41:02.660 This is

00:41:03.880 Yeah we praise him

00:41:04.820 Well now they have

00:41:05.960 Virtual rehab

00:41:07.060 That people are going to

00:41:08.080 Have you heard of this thing

00:41:08.880 No

00:41:09.460 It's like through VR

00:41:10.640 Whatever

00:41:10.960 Can you bring that up

00:41:11.740 Virtual reality rehab

00:41:13.140 You put on like

00:41:14.300 What is it

00:41:16.720 Oculus or something

00:41:17.520 Yeah you put on

00:41:18.060 Something like that

00:41:18.460 But you'll have somebody

00:41:19.200 At the bar

00:41:20.100 And they'll go sit in the corner

00:41:21.840 For like 40 minutes

00:41:22.800 With fucking rehab on

00:41:24.100 Erect

00:41:24.680 And then they

00:41:25.560 Oh I didn't

00:41:26.220 I wasn't that close

00:41:26.820 To the guy I saw on it

00:41:27.760 I think you were

00:41:28.700 But

00:41:29.280 You fucking swamp possum

00:41:31.060 And the guy's like

00:41:31.860 I've been in rehab

00:41:32.480 I just got back

00:41:33.420 And I'm like

00:41:33.680 You just fucking sat over there

00:41:34.820 With your oculus on

00:41:35.840 For 30 minutes

00:41:37.500 Yeah

00:41:37.820 I mean that'd be amazing

00:41:38.860 If I saw something

00:41:39.660 He's like yeah

00:41:40.140 It's outpatient

00:41:40.960 I was like

00:41:41.500 Alright dude

00:41:42.200 Whatever

00:41:42.820 Fucking called out

00:41:44.060 How out are you

00:41:45.020 Yeah

00:41:45.320 Fucking

00:41:46.400 Bonk

00:41:47.800 Way outpatient

00:41:49.240 God

00:41:50.140 The virtual reality system

00:41:51.580 Allows participants

00:41:52.300 To immerse themselves

00:41:53.420 In a variety of settings

00:41:54.600 And situations

00:41:55.460 To practice recovery techniques

00:41:57.620 Such as fighting off temptations

00:41:59.540 As well as

00:42:00.480 To receive therapeutic support

00:42:02.360 Can you even imagine

00:42:03.800 I mean

00:42:04.120 I'm not laughing at it

00:42:05.600 God bless

00:42:06.260 But I mean

00:42:07.080 I'm laughing at it

00:42:08.240 I mean

00:42:08.720 We can laugh at it

00:42:09.900 Imagine

00:42:10.320 But also like

00:42:10.880 Sorry

00:42:11.620 No

00:42:12.240 What are some of these

00:42:13.180 Scenaries gonna be

00:42:13.720 You put on the virtual reality

00:42:15.440 Suddenly some guy

00:42:16.260 Comes in right

00:42:17.220 With like a

00:42:17.880 Like a

00:42:19.440 Meth queen

00:42:20.980 On his arm

00:42:21.680 Right

00:42:22.200 Right

00:42:22.900 And you're just supposed

00:42:23.600 To be sitting there

00:42:24.520 Just reading a book

00:42:25.640 Or something

00:42:26.240 And you're like

00:42:27.680 Pick out who might have

00:42:29.680 The eight ball

00:42:30.540 Or whatever

00:42:30.840 Like what is the fucking

00:42:32.540 But also like

00:42:33.880 You could be in any scenario

00:42:34.960 So it's like

00:42:35.420 If you have an oculus

00:42:36.120 You could be anywhere

00:42:37.040 Yeah

00:42:37.680 You know what I mean

00:42:38.240 You could be at the beach

00:42:39.040 Yeah

00:42:39.320 And a little crab

00:42:40.620 Tries to bring you up

00:42:41.480 Maybe a Margaritaville

00:42:42.440 Or some shit

00:42:43.180 A Soma or something

00:42:44.260 Yeah

00:42:44.560 They'll like sit there

00:42:45.700 Somebody shows up

00:42:46.760 With like a fucking

00:42:47.580 Fentanyl snowman

00:42:48.780 And you're like

00:42:50.020 Oh

00:42:50.480 Bells will be ringing

00:42:53.020 Josie's on it

00:42:56.280 Yeah

00:42:56.640 You're

00:42:57.140 You're fucking DOA dog

00:43:00.100 Dude

00:43:00.940 That's the saddest

00:43:02.000 When there's fentanyl

00:43:02.880 In the snow dude

00:43:04.120 I think I

00:43:04.820 Heard about

00:43:05.980 Like that

00:43:06.340 Some of those

00:43:06.880 Somebody put fentanyl

00:43:08.860 In one of those

00:43:09.760 Cloud seeds

00:43:11.460 Feeding machines

00:43:12.040 Or whatever

00:43:12.500 Oh my god

00:43:14.340 That's a scary thing

00:43:16.080 Now man

00:43:16.580 It's like

00:43:17.140 Yeah

00:43:18.080 It's like not a joke

00:43:19.180 Like I'm not making fun

00:43:20.260 Of fentanyl

00:43:20.620 It's like fucking horrible

00:43:21.720 Yeah

00:43:22.420 But like

00:43:23.480 It can appear

00:43:24.320 Like in a cactus

00:43:25.100 Oh you have no idea

00:43:27.100 There's even

00:43:28.660 Ah

00:43:29.120 Sorry sound

00:43:31.120 Dude

00:43:33.260 We had

00:43:33.860 I remember kids

00:43:35.300 Would like

00:43:35.740 Not kids

00:43:36.320 But women kids

00:43:37.120 Female kids

00:43:37.960 Right

00:43:38.540 Would do like

00:43:39.760 Vajipin or whatever

00:43:40.720 When I was a kid

00:43:41.080 They'd put LSD

00:43:41.840 Into their vagina

00:43:42.680 And you

00:43:44.060 What?

00:43:44.860 And they would have chicks

00:43:45.860 Like just

00:43:46.660 On Bourbon Street?

00:43:48.040 Yeah

00:43:48.220 And they'd be like

00:43:48.740 No this was more like

00:43:50.380 In people's

00:43:50.960 In like a safety

00:43:52.220 Of a home

00:43:52.740 Or whatever

00:43:53.160 You'd be like

00:43:54.080 Oh yeah

00:43:54.560 Teresa's

00:43:55.140 Vajipin homie

00:43:56.480 And you'd be like

00:43:57.220 Oh fuck bro

00:43:58.300 Hope she's alright

00:43:59.060 You know

00:43:59.680 What?

00:44:00.960 That doesn't sound

00:44:01.800 Like a safety home

00:44:03.020 And the safety

00:44:04.260 Of a home

00:44:04.740 That you just said

00:44:05.440 I'll just say

00:44:05.840 Yeah

00:44:06.040 You just put a bunch

00:44:06.880 Of drugs

00:44:07.820 In your pussy hole

00:44:09.140 In a fucking gutter

00:44:11.300 Bro

00:44:11.660 This is a safe place

00:44:13.180 Anyway

00:44:13.920 Drugs in your genitals

00:44:15.720 Absorb it

00:44:17.060 Hey

00:44:17.480 And then

00:44:18.080 Joses on it

00:44:19.900 Me

00:44:20.760 Ah

00:44:21.480 Brian Callen

00:44:22.720 Bro

00:44:23.820 But

00:44:24.440 Dude

00:44:25.000 That's fucking

00:44:25.640 Lord's lockbox

00:44:26.840 Dude

00:44:27.100 That's the original

00:44:28.160 Dude

00:44:29.140 You know

00:44:29.400 That little

00:44:29.760 That safe

00:44:30.740 That's in the hotel room

00:44:31.720 Sometimes

00:44:32.160 The vagina

00:44:32.960 A lot of times

00:44:34.160 People just hide stuff

00:44:35.140 In their wife's vagina

00:44:36.140 That's the original

00:44:38.180 Escape room

00:44:38.900 Yeah

00:44:39.160 You're just trying

00:44:40.560 To find a way out

00:44:41.400 Find your life

00:44:42.680 And that's an

00:44:43.220 Amy Schumer joke

00:44:44.020 What else is going on

00:44:44.980 Dude

00:44:45.360 Do you see all this

00:44:46.000 Stuff that's happening

00:44:46.560 With Sketch

00:44:47.180 Did you see this

00:44:48.320 People were

00:44:48.780 You know

00:44:49.160 The what's up brother

00:44:49.840 No

00:44:51.100 I don't know what that is

00:44:52.100 Sketch is a

00:44:53.360 Streamer

00:44:54.460 He's known for

00:44:56.180 His Madden streams

00:44:57.520 For just being like

00:44:58.980 A one of a kind

00:44:59.920 Guy

00:45:00.420 Oh I think I saw him

00:45:03.360 Yeah he was on your show

00:45:04.500 Yeah

00:45:04.920 And it was excellent

00:45:06.540 I've spent time with him

00:45:07.420 Over the past few months

00:45:08.280 We talk every couple of weeks

00:45:09.660 Just like

00:45:12.200 I mean a gift

00:45:13.740 Sketch is a gift

00:45:15.800 To the world

00:45:16.760 And

00:45:18.200 So I guess

00:45:19.360 Allegedly he did

00:45:20.560 He had some

00:45:21.620 He did some

00:45:23.320 OnlyFans stuff

00:45:24.100 A few years back

00:45:25.080 And some of it

00:45:26.040 May have been

00:45:26.800 Homoeirotic

00:45:28.220 You know

00:45:30.420 Or gay

00:45:30.940 Or men

00:45:31.920 You know

00:45:33.620 Extra men

00:45:34.980 More than one man

00:45:37.000 Type of thing

00:45:37.600 Or just

00:45:38.680 Gay

00:45:39.980 And you know

00:45:40.580 What I'm talking about

00:45:41.180 And

00:45:42.620 So this

00:45:44.480 All these pictures

00:45:45.240 Started coming up

00:45:45.880 Things that people

00:45:46.340 Found in OnlyFans

00:45:47.380 And then

00:45:49.920 I think

00:45:50.720 Everybody was just curious

00:45:52.040 Is this really him

00:45:53.380 You have no idea now

00:45:55.580 With AR or whatever

00:45:56.340 You have no idea

00:45:56.860 What anything is

00:45:57.800 Right

00:45:58.100 It could be

00:45:58.520 And people

00:45:59.480 What did he say

00:46:00.400 Was it like

00:46:00.980 Genital warfare

00:46:01.820 I don't know

00:46:03.100 But people were writing

00:46:03.800 Some of the strangest things

00:46:05.020 Nick what was that one tweet

00:46:05.980 That I put in there

00:46:06.720 Well I mean like

00:46:08.000 I don't understand

00:46:08.820 Like is he like

00:46:09.560 Canceled or something

00:46:10.900 Well it just

00:46:11.740 This shows the uncanniness

00:46:13.100 Of whenever people

00:46:14.360 Rip somebody on the internet

00:46:17.440 Yeah it's like

00:46:18.560 What a broken record

00:46:19.760 It's like

00:46:20.240 Good God

00:46:21.440 And I love Sketch

00:46:23.120 I support him

00:46:24.100 A hundred percent

00:46:25.000 No matter what it is

00:46:26.100 Somebody tweeted this

00:46:27.700 How could you

00:46:28.360 At the Sketch reel

00:46:29.400 I met you

00:46:30.240 I used to be

00:46:30.700 A big fan of you

00:46:31.440 I was your biggest fan

00:46:32.480 Of all time

00:46:32.980 And this is just

00:46:33.420 Kind of like

00:46:33.800 A chubby kid

00:46:34.800 Or young

00:46:36.160 Filipino woman

00:46:37.420 Who has tagged

00:46:38.840 Sketch in this

00:46:40.660 And is kind of

00:46:41.360 Calling him out

00:46:42.080 I guess

00:46:42.480 And they put

00:46:43.120 A heartbroken emoji

00:46:44.060 Right

00:46:44.460 So first of all

00:46:45.840 What does it matter

00:46:47.180 Why are you not

00:46:48.500 A fan now

00:46:49.280 He doesn't owe you

00:46:51.540 That like he had

00:46:52.140 To tell you

00:46:52.900 That he'd had

00:46:53.900 Gay activity

00:46:54.620 Or he had only fans

00:46:55.600 But then here's

00:46:56.720 What happens

00:46:57.120 To this tweet

00:46:57.860 Somebody

00:46:58.320 Shares this tweet

00:47:00.420 Tags that tweet

00:47:01.420 And adds to it

00:47:02.500 Quotes

00:47:02.940 It said

00:47:03.940 Go lose weight

00:47:04.820 You fat

00:47:05.500 Fucking fuck

00:47:06.560 Right

00:47:06.920 To this child

00:47:07.980 Okay

00:47:08.440 Period

00:47:09.960 Oh my god

00:47:11.160 Fucking fat shit

00:47:13.900 Right after that

00:47:14.760 Period

00:47:15.360 Which doesn't even have

00:47:16.540 A noun in it

00:47:17.900 I guess

00:47:18.140 Or it might just be a noun

00:47:18.980 But it's missing

00:47:19.420 Yeah that doesn't

00:47:20.400 It needs a preposition

00:47:21.400 It needs something

00:47:22.120 Right

00:47:22.440 It needs an adverb

00:47:23.740 Then

00:47:24.980 After that

00:47:27.400 They came

00:47:27.860 So far you would think

00:47:29.720 They come to the

00:47:30.420 Defense of Sketch

00:47:31.700 Because they say

00:47:32.760 Go lose weight

00:47:33.480 You fucking fat

00:47:34.480 Fuck

00:47:34.960 Comma

00:47:35.800 Mick

00:47:36.060 Fuck

00:47:36.500 Sorry I left that part out

00:47:37.700 Period

00:47:38.480 Fucking fat shit

00:47:41.020 Then

00:47:42.300 They double spaced

00:47:43.980 And wrote

00:47:45.360 Fuck Sketch

00:47:46.700 The gay

00:47:47.520 Fuck

00:47:47.880 It's like

00:47:48.500 What

00:47:48.980 Yeah it doesn't

00:47:49.760 Make any sense

00:47:50.400 The internet is so

00:47:51.660 Bonkers insane

00:47:52.520 I'm like

00:47:53.820 I don't read comments

00:47:55.260 I'm just like

00:47:56.000 So over it

00:47:56.960 Where people like

00:47:58.100 Just chime in

00:47:59.680 Such insanity

00:48:00.620 Where I'm like

00:48:01.160 Okay

00:48:02.180 But you're not

00:48:03.200 Why even come

00:48:04.640 To the defense

00:48:06.020 Like

00:48:06.680 What

00:48:07.040 What are you

00:48:08.300 What are you saying

00:48:09.140 Like what does

00:48:09.580 Anybody

00:48:09.960 It's like

00:48:10.460 It's so bonkers

00:48:12.300 Yeah and why

00:48:13.180 Is this kid

00:48:14.060 Like

00:48:14.320 It just

00:48:15.220 Like why would

00:48:15.920 The kid be looking

00:48:16.640 For clout

00:48:17.260 Just to say

00:48:17.960 Hey Sketch

00:48:18.720 Like I used to

00:48:19.920 Love you

00:48:20.300 Didn't tell

00:48:20.880 Like he didn't

00:48:21.840 Know you

00:48:22.440 You didn't know him

00:48:23.380 It's obviously

00:48:23.980 A picture of just

00:48:24.620 Some a random

00:48:25.300 Stranger

00:48:25.940 Yeah literally

00:48:26.980 That had met him

00:48:27.920 And then the other

00:48:28.720 Guy quotes

00:48:29.600 Read it one more

00:48:30.840 Time Nick

00:48:31.200 I can't really

00:48:31.700 Go loose

00:48:33.640 Wait

00:48:34.060 You fucking

00:48:34.800 Fat

00:48:35.080 Fuck

00:48:35.520 Mick

00:48:36.280 Fuck

00:48:36.640 Fucking fat

00:48:38.020 Shit

00:48:38.400 Fuck Sketch

00:48:39.540 The gay

00:48:39.940 Fuck

00:48:40.280 Yeah

00:48:40.760 What is the point

00:48:44.600 Imagine just

00:48:46.000 Spending your time

00:48:47.020 Just going like

00:48:47.860 I gotta

00:48:48.780 I've gotta

00:48:49.600 Chime this in

00:48:51.180 I'm like so over it

00:48:54.540 Like back in the day

00:48:55.800 When I started making movies

00:48:57.040 And I did Grandma's Boy

00:48:58.580 And like Benchwarmers

00:48:59.420 And I would read

00:49:00.540 Critic reviews

00:49:01.440 Which weren't like

00:49:02.860 That scathing

00:49:04.220 But they were like

00:49:04.920 Hey fuck you

00:49:06.740 You fucking suck

00:49:08.280 Yeah

00:49:08.620 What did I do

00:49:10.180 Let's try to make

00:49:11.140 A funny movie

00:49:12.220 Yeah

00:49:12.800 Like why

00:49:13.240 Like when people

00:49:14.360 Chime in

00:49:14.960 It's just like

00:49:15.640 Dude

00:49:16.780 Like what the

00:49:17.380 What the fuck

00:49:18.160 Can you go make a movie

00:49:19.240 Yeah

00:49:19.660 You fucking

00:49:20.380 Tard nations

00:49:21.400 Yeah like wow

00:49:22.520 This shit was such

00:49:23.500 A waste of my time

00:49:24.200 This guy used to be funny

00:49:25.580 It'll say stuff like that

00:49:26.500 Oh yeah yeah yeah

00:49:27.060 But it'll say that on like

00:49:27.960 A baby announcement

00:49:28.960 It's like

00:49:29.380 You know

00:49:30.020 Hector's here

00:49:30.840 He's four days old

00:49:31.820 And people are like

00:49:32.260 Yeah I remember when

00:49:33.160 He used to be funny

00:49:34.400 It's like

00:49:34.820 He's four days old

00:49:36.860 Yeah

00:49:37.260 He's a child

00:49:39.020 Like people will comment

00:49:40.240 They just have no chill man

00:49:41.780 People don't care

00:49:42.800 No people want to chime in

00:49:44.300 Like at all times

00:49:45.260 It's hilarious

00:49:46.300 Like I'm

00:49:46.960 Again like

00:49:48.020 I'm just like so over it

00:49:49.360 Like sometimes

00:49:50.520 I'll like read comments

00:49:51.460 And they're like

00:49:51.860 Hey man you're fucking old

00:49:54.080 Yeah

00:49:54.520 I'm like yeah I know

00:49:56.120 I'm 47

00:49:57.600 What do you want from me

00:49:59.060 What are you C-3PO

00:50:00.560 Yeah

00:50:01.120 Are you a calendar

00:50:01.960 Are you not aging

00:50:02.180 Yeah are you Chewbacca

00:50:03.760 Yeah what are you

00:50:04.360 The Mayans or whatever

00:50:05.520 Yeah are you a fucking

00:50:06.840 Egyptian princess

00:50:08.460 And also first of all

00:50:09.720 That is mummied

00:50:10.740 Yeah

00:50:11.240 Oh I'm sorry

00:50:12.500 I'm not a mummy

00:50:13.220 Fucking

00:50:14.900 And here's what's dumb

00:50:16.380 About mummies

00:50:16.840 They don't even make

00:50:17.280 Any sounds dude

00:50:18.360 They kind of remind me

00:50:19.600 Of door dashers

00:50:20.420 They don't have any food

00:50:21.180 On them you know

00:50:21.740 Cause they're just

00:50:22.200 Kind of coming towards you

00:50:23.360 Yeah they're covered

00:50:23.580 In toilet paper

00:50:24.340 And you ordered

00:50:25.260 Toilet paper

00:50:25.900 Which is more ironic

00:50:27.220 Where you're like

00:50:27.680 Can I get the toilet paper please

00:50:29.400 Can you peel it off

00:50:30.740 Your fucking

00:50:31.280 Egyptian

00:50:33.020 Mummified brain

00:50:35.020 And I do

00:50:36.680 And I feel for

00:50:37.480 Sketch here

00:50:37.820 What was his comment

00:50:39.240 I sent him some messages

00:50:40.360 This morning

00:50:41.060 Look at this

00:50:41.780 Open it on us

00:50:42.460 That was me

00:50:43.220 That was me

00:50:48.040 It's okay though

00:50:49.220 I will tell you what

00:50:50.220 Okay

00:50:50.560 Two years ago

00:50:54.860 I did some stuff

00:50:56.220 I'm sorry

00:50:57.320 If you've seen

00:50:58.060 Some of the stuff

00:50:58.880 You know

00:51:01.400 I'm a changed

00:51:02.440 Person

00:51:03.080 What does that mean

00:51:09.560 This is going worse

00:51:10.200 Than I thought it was

00:51:10.920 I don't know

00:51:14.480 What does he apologize for

00:51:16.720 Two years ago

00:51:17.060 I did not have sexual relations

00:51:21.180 With that man

00:51:22.040 I'm just kidding

00:51:22.960 I did

00:51:23.500 Possibly

00:51:24.240 Walk away

00:51:27.400 Catch out of the bag

00:51:28.140 It's okay

00:51:32.940 Um

00:51:33.660 What else do I have to say

00:51:35.580 I don't know

00:51:36.720 Thank you to all my people

00:51:37.940 That have been sticking up for me

00:51:39.380 I understand if you're bad

00:51:41.320 Shit hit the fan

00:51:46.460 Okay

00:51:46.980 I was dealing with

00:51:48.540 Some addiction problem

00:51:49.440 What is he apologizing for

00:51:51.620 Having sex with a man

00:51:52.720 I don't know

00:51:53.260 Hit the fan

00:51:53.600 Okay

00:51:54.120 I was dealing with

00:51:55.680 Some addiction problems

00:51:56.800 A dick

00:51:58.880 A couple of them

00:51:59.640 A dick

00:51:59.700 But

00:52:05.040 What's the plan after

00:52:06.280 The plan after

00:52:07.180 Was not very good

00:52:08.500 If I was alone

00:52:10.360 And I was at my house

00:52:11.520 I probably wouldn't be

00:52:12.400 Talking to you right now

00:52:13.280 But

00:52:15.640 The people at Faze

00:52:17.600 Banks

00:52:18.760 Especially

00:52:19.620 Um

00:52:21.500 And my friends

00:52:22.260 That I've made

00:52:22.960 Over the

00:52:23.420 Past couple years

00:52:24.920 Came and they

00:52:25.680 Saved me

00:52:26.600 I don't know

00:52:28.440 What I was gonna do

00:52:29.160 But

00:52:29.400 Saved him what

00:52:31.300 What the fuck

00:52:31.840 I think he was just scared

00:52:32.840 The internet really came after him

00:52:34.340 You know

00:52:35.540 Yeah don't look at

00:52:36.220 The fucking internet

00:52:37.180 But I think in his case

00:52:38.640 It's hard

00:52:39.040 It's a lot of his

00:52:39.720 Life is built on there

00:52:40.640 And then also

00:52:41.340 It's like if something

00:52:42.140 Like that came out

00:52:43.800 I mean

00:52:44.020 You can't just pretend

00:52:45.260 It didn't happen

00:52:45.920 Like

00:52:46.140 You know what I'm saying

00:52:47.100 Like it's so strong

00:52:48.500 He like blew a guy

00:52:49.620 Or

00:52:49.920 Who the fucking cares

00:52:51.060 Yeah

00:52:51.360 Well I don't care what he did

00:52:52.540 Well

00:52:52.720 No there was just

00:52:53.520 Whatever it was

00:52:54.500 Take your wig off

00:52:55.800 Doing gayness

00:52:56.980 Take your wig off

00:52:57.620 It's not a wig

00:52:58.120 Some guy at the airport

00:52:59.040 It's a fucking wig

00:52:59.920 Some guy at the airport

00:53:00.780 Comes up to me the other day

00:53:01.920 Because that's a wig

00:53:03.220 Isn't it

00:53:03.680 Yeah it's 100%

00:53:04.660 So you think this is a wig dude

00:53:06.460 You're a fucking wig

00:53:07.400 Gorney weaver

00:53:08.080 I could imagine

00:53:10.660 If you don't know

00:53:11.640 Something like that

00:53:12.320 You think it's private

00:53:13.240 And then it goes out public

00:53:14.300 That would be very

00:53:15.120 That would be alarming

00:53:16.820 Yeah it'd be alarming

00:53:18.680 If it was like

00:53:19.240 1800s

00:53:20.740 Oh I agree

00:53:21.920 I think it's ridiculous

00:53:22.860 I think anybody

00:53:23.760 Coming out of it

00:53:24.320 For being gay

00:53:24.860 Pussy

00:53:25.200 Fucking

00:53:25.660 Who cares

00:53:27.460 Yeah

00:53:27.780 Oh I think it's

00:53:28.500 I think it's

00:53:29.140 I think it's ridiculous

00:53:29.840 Same time

00:53:30.560 Pussy and a dick

00:53:31.960 Oh but you're a real

00:53:32.880 Intersection at that point dude

00:53:34.400 I mean it's both ears

00:53:35.620 It's bumper to bumper traffic

00:53:37.400 Yeah

00:53:37.640 But it's just interesting

00:53:38.800 Just as he's making

00:53:40.060 This statement

00:53:40.580 He's like well

00:53:40.940 What else do I have to say

00:53:42.060 It's almost weird

00:53:43.100 It's like you're

00:53:43.680 You're

00:53:44.860 You're

00:53:45.760 Pleading for peace

00:53:47.400 From this

00:53:47.940 From just strangers

00:53:50.360 Right

00:53:50.960 I

00:53:51.440 It's just kind of fascinating

00:53:52.660 Where we are in time

00:53:53.960 Right

00:53:54.400 That you watch somebody

00:53:55.480 Who has to make this plea

00:53:56.860 Um

00:53:58.040 In

00:53:58.860 Even

00:53:59.240 Even as he's trying to figure out

00:54:00.480 What is he even

00:54:01.180 Asking for

00:54:02.760 You know

00:54:03.280 Like what is he

00:54:03.880 What is he apologizing for

00:54:05.160 I agree

00:54:05.560 It's like what the fuck

00:54:06.320 I agree

00:54:06.920 But I just think

00:54:08.280 It's fascinating to see

00:54:09.360 That that's where we're at in time

00:54:10.500 Where you're watching somebody

00:54:11.780 Apologize

00:54:13.340 Hyper

00:54:13.780 Or whatever it is

00:54:14.680 Right

00:54:14.880 Totally

00:54:15.320 To a

00:54:16.200 Screen

00:54:17.020 Yeah

00:54:18.080 Yeah

00:54:18.100 Because of the world

00:54:19.180 That we live

00:54:19.500 It's just

00:54:19.980 It's very interesting

00:54:21.460 I think

00:54:21.920 But who cares

00:54:23.100 That

00:54:23.920 That he was gay

00:54:24.980 First of all

00:54:25.560 He was a Texans fan

00:54:26.860 Way tougher

00:54:28.100 Than doing some gay stuff

00:54:30.500 Way tougher

00:54:31.680 What the F

00:54:33.300 Oh more dudes

00:54:34.260 Took down David Carr

00:54:35.540 Than did Sketch

00:54:36.740 Ever huh

00:54:37.400 Yeah he got sacked

00:54:38.340 73 times

00:54:39.200 In his rookie season

00:54:39.980 Okay dude

00:54:41.040 I mean good god

00:54:41.980 He got sacked

00:54:42.800 In his fucking mouth

00:54:43.920 Dude

00:54:44.580 That's what sacked means

00:54:45.720 And yeah Sketch

00:54:46.520 I just want to say man

00:54:47.760 Yeah

00:54:49.740 Don't

00:54:50.520 Just hang in there

00:54:52.260 If you're feeling

00:54:53.020 Any type of way

00:54:53.980 Or

00:54:54.400 Yeah just keep your head up

00:54:56.660 Brother

00:54:56.920 We love you

00:54:58.620 And everybody loves you dude

00:55:00.880 And it doesn't matter

00:55:02.360 Whatever's happened

00:55:04.940 Or has it

00:55:05.560 Yeah whatever

00:55:06.220 You know

00:55:07.320 We love you

00:55:08.480 Because of who you are

00:55:09.900 And

00:55:11.020 And yeah

00:55:13.620 And nothing will change that bro

00:55:15.060 So

00:55:15.860 Just hang in there

00:55:17.120 And know that

00:55:18.080 People have your back

00:55:19.440 Some people probably

00:55:21.440 Have your front too

00:55:22.540 Some of these people

00:55:23.120 Are perverts

00:55:23.800 But

00:55:24.700 Just know I love you bro

00:55:26.580 And

00:55:27.180 And I'm just one of the

00:55:29.160 Millions of people that do

00:55:30.340 So

00:55:31.260 Just hang in there champ

00:55:33.260 Sketch we love you

00:55:34.320 You're fine

00:55:34.740 Yeah

00:55:35.040 Don't stress about this nonsense

00:55:36.720 And yeah if you feel like you

00:55:38.260 And now people do what they want bro

00:55:40.380 Some people are gay

00:55:41.460 Some people are straight

00:55:42.260 Some people don't even know

00:55:43.620 Some people don't even have a sexuality

00:55:45.540 There's kids out there

00:55:46.780 Not kids

00:55:47.660 But adult children or whatever

00:55:49.200 Who don't even know

00:55:50.520 They're like

00:55:51.080 I don't even know

00:55:51.980 I like to go to the library

00:55:53.760 Or whatever

00:55:54.120 I didn't even know I had a wiener

00:55:55.360 You'll have a

00:55:55.860 Somebody say that sometimes

00:55:57.340 Yeah they don't even know

00:55:58.180 If there is

00:55:58.720 What a library is

00:56:00.060 Yeah

00:56:00.300 But they're gonna go to it

00:56:01.480 Yeah you'll even have a guy

00:56:02.800 Yeah being like

00:56:03.340 Oh look at this long pussy

00:56:05.000 I have with balls under it

00:56:06.200 Yeah look at this

00:56:06.940 Fucking fresh

00:56:07.780 Fucking labes

00:56:08.800 Yeah

00:56:09.180 Look how many labias do I have

00:56:11.260 I have pussies in my armpits

00:56:12.720 Yeah

00:56:13.040 I don't even know

00:56:13.680 What's going on anymore

00:56:14.840 Yeah somebody be like

00:56:15.960 Oh look at this

00:56:16.560 Long vagina I have

00:56:18.480 Look at this

00:56:19.340 Vagine

00:56:20.220 Oh

00:56:20.900 Oh I'm gonna

00:56:21.740 I'm gonna fucking bring

00:56:22.460 Mr. Bourbon Street

00:56:23.560 So

00:56:24.380 Throw some beads

00:56:25.240 In my puss

00:56:25.860 We love you sketch

00:56:27.800 Um

00:56:28.660 And sorry you're having

00:56:31.080 To deal with that

00:56:31.680 Or if it's scaring

00:56:32.920 Or whatever

00:56:33.340 I just can't imagine

00:56:34.320 It would be very scary

00:56:35.100 You know

00:56:35.520 What is scary about that

00:56:37.800 Haunted house is scary

00:56:38.980 I think

00:56:39.780 I don't think he's

00:56:41.580 Gay

00:56:42.420 It sounded like he had

00:56:43.300 Addiction issues

00:56:44.080 And maybe he was doing it

00:56:45.020 For money

00:56:45.480 So it was something

00:56:46.480 He was keeping secret

00:56:47.620 And his fame

00:56:48.960 Really kind of happened

00:56:49.760 Overnight in the last

00:56:50.780 Six months

00:56:51.360 And everybody just

00:56:53.180 Who loved him

00:56:54.220 Found that out

00:56:55.040 A thing

00:56:55.940 He doesn't have to be

00:56:56.840 Ashamed for

00:56:57.300 But he's already

00:56:58.140 Felt shame for it

00:56:59.440 So he was just scared

00:57:00.420 And it sounded like

00:57:01.240 He was in really bad

00:57:02.420 Shape yesterday

00:57:03.000 But the streamers

00:57:04.180 From FaZe Clan

00:57:04.900 Really supported him

00:57:06.580 And he went over there

00:57:07.880 And I think it's all good

00:57:09.100 I think he's only gonna

00:57:09.880 Be bigger to be honest

00:57:10.780 Yeah I think

00:57:12.200 I think that's what

00:57:13.700 I'm saying

00:57:13.960 I just feel so

00:57:15.260 Much that he's scared

00:57:16.560 That's what makes me

00:57:18.180 But what are you scared of

00:57:20.940 It's like

00:57:21.380 Well you're scared of

00:57:22.400 You're not gonna fucking die

00:57:23.480 He's fine

00:57:24.260 Right but I think

00:57:24.960 For a lot of people

00:57:25.840 It feels like the internet

00:57:27.000 Is the only be all end all

00:57:29.080 Like you and I

00:57:30.040 Are at a different age

00:57:30.900 Where it's not as much

00:57:32.080 Right

00:57:32.420 We're different age

00:57:33.360 But for the younger generation

00:57:36.160 I think that is it

00:57:37.580 Right

00:57:38.180 Is that making sense now

00:57:39.340 Right that makes sense

00:57:40.200 Where it's like

00:57:40.920 Okay that's

00:57:41.840 That's the jury

00:57:43.400 Of my life

00:57:44.440 Right

00:57:44.760 You know what I mean

00:57:45.280 Where it's like

00:57:45.760 It's not

00:57:46.900 Right

00:57:47.380 I mean

00:57:47.680 We still have a little bit more

00:57:49.060 Of like there's a human jury

00:57:50.380 And there's an online jury

00:57:51.420 But I think it gets

00:57:52.360 But who fucking cares

00:57:53.640 I agree

00:57:54.620 You know what I'm saying

00:57:56.100 But the power of it

00:57:56.880 Is intense

00:57:57.380 I mean even the power of just

00:57:58.720 Your video where they had

00:58:00.100 If you guys were drinking

00:58:01.160 Or had done edibles

00:58:02.880 And whatchamacallit

00:58:04.280 It was like

00:58:04.880 Look how much news

00:58:05.560 You know what I'm saying

00:58:05.980 It was like

00:58:06.520 Yes it doesn't matter

00:58:07.780 But the media

00:58:08.260 Doesn't fucking care

00:58:08.940 What matters you know

00:58:09.800 Right but I didn't like

00:58:11.160 Hold a grain of salt

00:58:12.280 To like

00:58:12.820 When it came out

00:58:14.220 Like on TMZ

00:58:14.960 Where it's like

00:58:15.460 Nick Swartz

00:58:16.260 And his thing

00:58:17.000 Hammered on stage

00:58:18.740 And whatever

00:58:19.300 And like edibles

00:58:20.060 And I'm like

00:58:21.240 Yeah alright

00:58:21.980 What the fuck

00:58:23.040 Like who cares

00:58:25.360 Yeah

00:58:25.700 Everybody out there

00:58:26.640 Just listening

00:58:27.460 Don't worry about the internet

00:58:30.080 And comments

00:58:31.060 It's fucking

00:58:31.800 Dumb and superfluous

00:58:33.940 Makes no sense

00:58:34.800 Yeah

00:58:35.240 Like just move on

00:58:36.820 Enjoy your life

00:58:37.980 Be you

00:58:38.760 And don't

00:58:40.000 Kill people

00:58:40.980 Yeah

00:58:41.640 And when you

00:58:42.980 But I think

00:58:43.520 When you hear times

00:58:44.220 If you're struggling with drugs

00:58:45.460 People will get into

00:58:46.240 Some wild stuff

00:58:47.220 You know

00:58:47.640 If people are out there

00:58:48.580 Dude everyone's done wild shit

00:58:49.980 What the fuck

00:58:50.820 Oh yeah

00:58:51.560 I agree

00:58:52.220 You look back at your past

00:58:53.440 You've done some fucking

00:58:54.340 Nose nachos

00:58:55.400 Dude

00:58:55.980 Somebody's had some

00:58:56.920 Nose nachos

00:58:57.780 In their past

00:58:58.540 Some of those fucking

00:58:59.560 Yeah

00:59:00.880 Fucking

00:59:01.380 Fucking

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01:00:54.540 BetterHelp

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01:01:51.960 Dude

01:01:53.040 You know what

01:01:53.720 I saw the other day

01:01:55.140 Did I tell you

01:01:55.940 I heard that

01:01:56.260 Frederick Douglass

01:01:56.920 Was gay

01:01:57.260 Did I tell you that

01:01:57.920 Frederick Douglass

01:02:00.380 Like the old black author

01:02:01.640 Yeah

01:02:02.500 There he is

01:02:04.560 Bro

01:02:05.240 Hit that picture

01:02:05.820 Right there above

01:02:06.420 One

01:02:06.780 Nope

01:02:07.460 How did that come out

01:02:08.340 Come on

01:02:08.800 Bro you telling me bro

01:02:12.540 And look I respect

01:02:14.420 How did that come out

01:02:16.480 That Frederick Douglass

01:02:17.660 Is gay

01:02:18.480 Bro I

01:02:19.120 I respect

01:02:19.680 I respect

01:02:20.560 Fucking F Doug

01:02:21.660 To the end bro

01:02:22.640 Yeah he's a legend

01:02:23.520 But

01:02:24.300 Don't even tell me bro

01:02:26.660 He was like

01:02:27.420 Little Nas

01:02:27.940 Escape

01:02:28.460 He looks like he was

01:02:30.000 The other member

01:02:30.940 Of Color Me Bad

01:02:31.880 Yeah dude huh

01:02:33.420 I wanna sex you up

01:02:36.720 And I TikTok it on

01:02:38.560 All night

01:02:39.960 Sweaty genitals

01:02:41.300 Sweaty genitals

01:02:42.560 Bro FDR

01:02:43.520 And I just heard that

01:02:44.440 I'm not saying that

01:02:45.380 That's something that

01:02:46.260 I've heard a lot

01:02:47.020 Yeah did you grow up

01:02:48.100 With him

01:02:48.340 How did you even know that

01:02:49.280 No it was just

01:02:50.220 You would read it on places

01:02:51.380 You would read like little

01:02:52.500 Where did you read that

01:02:54.040 Just saw

01:02:54.880 What's it called

01:02:55.360 Spade.com

01:02:56.240 No when people

01:02:57.160 Write something on a bench

01:02:59.260 Or whatever

01:02:59.700 You know Henry got fucked

01:03:02.300 Or whatever

01:03:02.580 You're like

01:03:02.860 Well jeez

01:03:03.480 Is he okay

01:03:04.060 What's going on

01:03:04.580 I don't like read benches

01:03:05.960 And live by it

01:03:06.880 But benches used to be

01:03:08.100 The internet

01:03:08.540 You didn't have the internet

01:03:09.440 Dude you had whatever

01:03:10.160 Somebody wrote on

01:03:10.800 Bathroom walls

01:03:11.520 Yeah that was the internet

01:03:12.820 Don't you know that

01:03:13.980 The original Reddit

01:03:15.260 I guess yeah

01:03:15.940 That's yeah

01:03:16.700 That's about

01:03:17.240 Larry sucks

01:03:18.240 Cock or whatever

01:03:19.180 You're like oh god

01:03:20.100 Good to know

01:03:20.840 Gary's got that gay flu

01:03:23.160 Yeah

01:03:24.200 Motherfucker

01:03:26.100 Hit me up for

01:03:27.020 Free tires

01:03:28.200 Or whatever

01:03:28.640 Like a 1-800 number

01:03:30.080 But that was the internet

01:03:31.220 Was the bathroom wall

01:03:32.140 Or benches man

01:03:33.040 Yeah that's true

01:03:34.680 You know what I was

01:03:35.380 Looking at recently man

01:03:36.240 They had

01:03:36.680 There's gay animals

01:03:38.480 Out there

01:03:39.200 Like what

01:03:41.100 Name a couple

01:03:41.740 How about this then

01:03:42.860 I know some of them

01:03:44.140 Okay

01:03:44.460 You tell me

01:03:45.820 Wait personally

01:03:46.400 Or the genre of the animal

01:03:47.880 Let's go genre

01:03:48.580 Not specific animal

01:03:49.660 Cause you can't be like

01:03:50.520 Oh Paddington bear

01:03:51.680 Or whatever

01:03:52.120 But I want like

01:03:53.520 A genre of an animal

01:03:54.840 Or a species

01:03:55.520 Or a species

01:03:58.680 Okay

01:03:58.940 That's the right

01:03:59.600 Is that the right

01:04:00.020 Species

01:04:00.880 Species yeah

01:04:01.820 You tell me an animal

01:04:03.360 I'll tell you if it's gay or not

01:04:04.640 A panda

01:04:05.740 Not sure

01:04:07.280 Okay

01:04:08.860 Giraffe

01:04:10.920 Fuck yeah dude

01:04:13.220 Yeah

01:04:14.000 Giraffe

01:04:15.120 Just dripping dicks

01:04:16.440 Well dude

01:04:17.140 They got fucking

01:04:17.740 Waterfall penises

01:04:18.780 Oh

01:04:19.180 They just hang down

01:04:20.100 Well that neck too

01:04:21.240 A neck is just a long penis

01:04:22.740 With sounds in it

01:04:23.560 It's like the Ron Jeremy

01:04:24.500 Of horses

01:04:25.080 Basically

01:04:26.220 And here's the trick

01:04:27.440 About being a giraffe

01:04:28.700 Giraffe

01:04:29.480 Your head and eyes

01:04:30.620 Are so far from your wiener

01:04:32.120 That if a guy blows you

01:04:33.860 Or whatever

01:04:34.080 You can pretend

01:04:34.720 It's not a guy

01:04:35.480 If you want

01:04:36.020 Right

01:04:36.280 Because you're so far

01:04:37.340 You can't see

01:04:37.840 Right

01:04:38.220 You're so far removed from it

01:04:39.680 Like if I'm up here

01:04:40.720 And somebody's just

01:04:41.500 You know

01:04:41.920 Whistling on my root

01:04:43.400 Or whatever

01:04:43.880 I can pretend it's whoever

01:04:46.240 But if I'm right here

01:04:48.220 Like a human

01:04:48.880 It's hard to not

01:04:50.740 It's hard to be in denial

01:04:51.700 Yeah you can see

01:04:52.360 Fucking Steve and Mark

01:04:53.540 Right

01:04:53.840 You can see somebody

01:04:54.580 With a

01:04:54.940 Yeah you can see somebody

01:04:56.740 With a Terry McLaurin jersey

01:04:58.120 Or something

01:04:58.560 On just harping you down

01:04:59.940 You know

01:05:00.340 Yeah

01:05:00.760 Look at this

01:05:01.860 Oh

01:05:02.460 Yay dude

01:05:03.960 Oh

01:05:04.380 Whoa

01:05:04.900 Hold on

01:05:05.680 Hold on

01:05:07.220 That did not go well

01:05:08.480 Wow

01:05:09.500 That thing is pop-locking

01:05:10.940 Whoa

01:05:11.440 Homie bro

01:05:12.640 Jeez

01:05:14.100 Cranston

01:05:15.260 And that is how you meet a man

01:05:17.780 Out there in the woods buddy

01:05:19.360 Dude

01:05:20.440 Okay

01:05:20.800 What if a lion's sucking your dick

01:05:23.060 How fucking sweet would that be

01:05:25.340 Well

01:05:25.880 You're a giraffe

01:05:26.660 Giraffe is definitely

01:05:27.580 No teeth

01:05:28.100 No teeth

01:05:28.720 The lion's just

01:05:30.420 Maybe the lion doesn't have teeth

01:05:32.740 It does

01:05:33.860 That's why we

01:05:34.320 Okay

01:05:34.740 It does

01:05:36.260 It would

01:05:36.560 It would nibble that thing down

01:05:38.920 Just like a

01:05:39.460 Like somebody just

01:05:41.340 Biting down a piece

01:05:42.400 A thing

01:05:42.640 A mistletoe

01:05:43.360 Okay I like that

01:05:44.860 Some vegetarian

01:05:45.800 Yes or no

01:05:46.820 Elephant

01:05:47.380 Gay or no

01:05:48.140 Elephants

01:05:48.900 No

01:05:49.260 To just

01:05:51.440 Dude what about

01:05:52.220 If the trunk

01:05:53.100 Goes into your gin

01:05:54.760 Oh

01:05:55.240 And then you can

01:05:56.640 Suck your own dick

01:05:57.440 Hmm

01:05:58.640 So does that make

01:05:59.460 The elephant gay

01:06:00.140 We don't know

01:06:00.760 What about

01:06:02.720 Guess another one

01:06:03.860 Cheetah

01:06:09.580 No

01:06:10.760 They dress gay I think

01:06:12.840 But I don't think they are

01:06:13.700 But they do dress gay

01:06:15.580 Or they dress

01:06:16.320 They dress like 80's hairband gay

01:06:17.880 Yeah like Italian women

01:06:19.540 Yeah Jersey

01:06:21.380 Housewives

01:06:22.280 Yeah

01:06:22.760 At a poison concert

01:06:24.880 Yeah

01:06:25.460 God that's good

01:06:27.200 Yeah

01:06:27.520 That day

01:06:28.020 Yeah they dress pretty gay

01:06:29.040 What about here

01:06:30.660 I'll tell you

01:06:31.080 I'll give you a clue

01:06:31.840 Nighttime

01:06:33.200 Halloween

01:06:33.820 Bats

01:06:37.120 Bats

01:06:37.860 Bats are way gay dude

01:06:40.340 How are

01:06:41.260 How are bats gay

01:06:42.360 First of all

01:06:42.900 They're hiding in the dark

01:06:43.880 You can't even see

01:06:44.480 What's going on

01:06:45.700 Right

01:06:45.960 So something just flies

01:06:47.440 Right into your wiener

01:06:48.420 Whatever

01:06:48.700 It could be like

01:06:49.280 Oh I'm a

01:06:49.820 You know like

01:06:50.720 That's the craziest thing

01:06:51.980 The dark is just this

01:06:53.060 It's the ultimate

01:06:55.120 Or it's also like

01:06:56.540 I'm sleeping upside down

01:06:58.260 But they're trying to

01:06:59.100 Suck their own dick

01:06:59.800 Yeah

01:07:00.200 Yeah

01:07:01.440 So what about Batman

01:07:05.100 Oh it's dark

01:07:06.540 I'm gonna fly into

01:07:07.300 Some other bats

01:07:08.100 And just whatever happens

01:07:09.280 That kind of shit

01:07:09.980 I'm gonna fly into

01:07:10.360 Robin

01:07:11.300 Yeah

01:07:11.700 Who's a fucking gay bird

01:07:12.860 Yeah

01:07:13.140 Oh I'm not gay

01:07:13.940 It's just really dark in here

01:07:15.320 Bat thing

01:07:16.100 Yeah

01:07:16.480 Bats have that

01:07:17.320 I got it

01:07:17.760 Oh right here

01:07:18.220 In wild little brown bats

01:07:19.880 Males often mount other males

01:07:21.620 During late autumn and winter

01:07:22.740 When many of the mounted individuals

01:07:24.720 Are

01:07:24.940 That's not real

01:07:25.740 Are torpid

01:07:26.720 35% of matings during this period

01:07:28.500 Are homosexual

01:07:29.320 Wow

01:07:29.860 What does torpid mean Nick

01:07:31.600 Yeah what is torpid

01:07:33.160 I've never even heard that word

01:07:34.200 Mentally or physically

01:07:35.080 Inactive or lethargic

01:07:36.820 So I guess

01:07:38.280 Isn't every man

01:07:39.800 It's like a K-hole I guess

01:07:41.040 For animals

01:07:41.560 When many of the mounted individuals

01:07:43.380 Are torpid

01:07:43.940 Huh

01:07:44.260 So yeah

01:07:45.200 So bats can be gay

01:07:46.220 Bisons too

01:07:48.020 Bisons

01:07:49.040 Look up bisons being gay

01:07:51.740 Please

01:07:52.280 That can't be right

01:07:54.280 Bisons dude

01:07:55.760 Aren't they basically buffaloes

01:07:57.740 The American bison

01:07:58.640 Is a bovine mammal

01:07:59.580 Which displays

01:08:00.080 Homosexual behavior

01:08:01.160 Look at them right there

01:08:02.160 Full anal penetration

01:08:05.900 Between bulls

01:08:07.040 Has been noted

01:08:07.600 To occur among

01:08:08.320 American bison

01:08:09.460 Wow

01:08:10.040 Put in gay bison

01:08:11.380 And let me know

01:08:14.920 Where that bar is

01:08:15.700 Oh that's gay

01:08:16.620 Sorry

01:08:17.240 Right there

01:08:17.940 Zoom in on that picture

01:08:18.820 Look at the kid

01:08:19.660 He's kind of off at school

01:08:20.700 Or whatever that area is

01:08:21.740 Of the yard

01:08:22.300 Right

01:08:22.980 And this dude

01:08:23.680 Is trying to holler at that

01:08:24.760 His dad

01:08:25.320 I mean good lord

01:08:28.080 And that one's in black face

01:08:29.620 I want to say

01:08:30.080 I mean I don't know

01:08:30.540 If that's okay to say

01:08:31.220 Or not

01:08:31.640 Well faces can be black

01:08:34.120 So anyway

01:08:35.020 Just wanted to go down

01:08:35.800 A little trail there

01:08:36.620 Yeah

01:08:37.620 But yeah

01:08:39.160 That was a treasure trail

01:08:40.180 Yeah I think the crazy part

01:08:41.420 Is just like

01:08:42.160 Yeah I don't know

01:08:46.360 I just feel for a sketch

01:08:47.340 I hope that he's okay

01:08:48.080 He'll be fine

01:08:50.180 He's alive

01:08:50.980 That's all you want

01:08:52.780 Just to be alive

01:08:53.640 Oh dude totally

01:08:55.040 Good god

01:08:55.660 And even that's tough bro

01:08:57.060 Sometimes if somebody

01:08:57.840 Was like

01:08:58.060 Would you want to be alive

01:08:59.360 Sometimes it's going to be active

01:09:00.140 I mean yeah

01:09:01.780 But it's like

01:09:02.280 When I wake up every day

01:09:03.520 I'm like

01:09:03.740 Fuck

01:09:04.180 Here we go

01:09:05.100 Yeah

01:09:05.440 Christ in heaven

01:09:07.300 But if somebody right now

01:09:08.380 Was like

01:09:08.600 Would you want to be alive

01:09:09.760 Or

01:09:10.400 Do you want to be a bison

01:09:12.280 Or do you want to have

01:09:13.080 A really nice lunch

01:09:14.260 What does the lunch consist of

01:09:18.060 Four course lunch

01:09:19.640 Soup

01:09:20.320 Salad

01:09:21.840 From which establishment

01:09:25.220 It's a new place

01:09:27.040 Would it be in

01:09:27.960 New Orleans

01:09:28.700 It's a new place

01:09:29.680 What about

01:09:30.000 Some gumbo

01:09:31.120 And some jambalese

01:09:33.260 And some

01:09:34.700 Maybe a hurricane

01:09:35.980 And then

01:09:37.140 Drew Braves

01:09:38.300 And then

01:09:39.020 Blue

01:09:40.940 He just comes out

01:09:42.200 And hums the dessert

01:09:43.380 Into your mouth

01:09:43.980 Dude they used to have

01:09:44.900 That restaurant called

01:09:45.480 Lambert's

01:09:46.020 Where they throw the roll

01:09:47.040 Across the

01:09:47.600 Love Lambert's

01:09:48.020 You've been there

01:09:48.760 Yeah of course

01:09:49.600 Wow

01:09:50.340 Yeah it's not my first

01:09:51.420 Fucking rodeo bro

01:09:52.300 They would throw the roll

01:09:53.460 You fucking

01:09:54.740 Wig gypsy

01:09:56.460 They'd throw the roll

01:09:57.640 To you across town

01:09:58.480 I think Billy

01:09:59.100 Yeah it'd be like

01:10:01.400 A curveball

01:10:02.020 There it is

01:10:03.120 Right there

01:10:03.520 That's the guy

01:10:04.620 He'll throw the roll

01:10:05.400 To you right there

01:10:06.220 Lambert's

01:10:07.380 Home of the throat rolls

01:10:08.320 And they'll hum a bread

01:10:09.240 Over at you

01:10:09.940 Yeah amazing

01:10:10.860 Right there

01:10:14.140 And that guy

01:10:15.320 Probably

01:10:15.660 Is that Kirk Cousins

01:10:16.740 Right there

01:10:17.200 That's noxie

01:10:18.680 That's Kirk

01:10:20.460 Oh yeah

01:10:22.580 That's an Amish dude

01:10:23.540 Oh yeah

01:10:25.560 Now this is way

01:10:26.900 Gare than anything

01:10:27.500 Sketch did

01:10:28.280 You know what I'm saying

01:10:30.700 Yeah

01:10:31.360 I mean

01:10:32.020 Underhand tossing

01:10:33.540 A bread roll

01:10:34.160 To somebody

01:10:34.580 In a full restaurant

01:10:35.600 I would take

01:10:36.220 That guy over

01:10:37.220 Kirk Cousins

01:10:37.900 Yeah

01:10:38.320 For the Vikings

01:10:39.140 But yeah

01:10:39.720 I just can't even believe

01:10:40.700 That that's the biggest issue

01:10:41.700 I think him being

01:10:42.360 A Texans fan

01:10:43.360 For the past

01:10:44.020 However long

01:10:45.280 They've been in existence

01:10:46.180 But I mean

01:10:46.700 They're like

01:10:47.220 They're exciting

01:10:48.020 I love Houston very much

01:10:49.220 Now yeah

01:10:49.900 Yeah

01:10:50.520 But I mean

01:10:51.520 Back in the day

01:10:52.160 Yeah they were just

01:10:53.000 And back in the day

01:10:53.640 It was two years ago

01:10:54.380 It was just like

01:10:55.220 J.J. Watt

01:10:55.900 Was just trying to

01:10:56.720 Play every position

01:10:58.080 And try to keep him alive

01:10:59.360 Yeah

01:10:59.600 Good God

01:11:00.740 That's why we pray

01:11:01.920 What else man

01:11:02.780 What else is happening

01:11:03.520 What else is going on

01:11:05.040 I'm going on tour

01:11:05.700 Toilethead

01:11:06.440 NickSquartson.net

01:11:07.620 Got my new special

01:11:08.880 July 18th on YouTube

01:11:10.300 Game on

01:11:12.000 And are you

01:11:12.500 Oh I did see you

01:11:13.460 And I'm doing

01:11:13.720 Happy Gilmore 2

01:11:14.520 You're doing

01:11:15.200 Happy Gilmore 2

01:11:15.760 You're in

01:11:16.200 Yep

01:11:16.620 Wow

01:11:17.040 You're in

01:11:17.400 And you're gonna play

01:11:18.820 I'm gonna play

01:11:19.640 Adam's Caddy

01:11:20.400 Wow

01:11:21.100 Yeah

01:11:21.380 Super excited

01:11:22.180 Have you already read

01:11:22.760 The script or no

01:11:23.380 There's no script yet

01:11:24.740 But we start shooting

01:11:25.940 In the fall

01:11:26.380 Congratulations

01:11:27.700 Yeah

01:11:28.240 I know you're excited

01:11:29.180 About that

01:11:29.700 And then David Spade

01:11:32.420 I don't know what he's doing

01:11:33.980 I think he's homeless

01:11:34.700 David

01:11:35.200 Yeah

01:11:35.860 We pray

01:11:36.320 Do you know

01:11:37.660 There you go

01:11:38.240 Community Next Four

01:11:38.780 Announces he will play

01:11:39.960 As Adam Sandler's Caddy

01:11:40.760 And Happy Gilmore 2

01:11:42.380 Yep

01:11:43.120 And how did that come to pass

01:11:44.380 Did Adam ask you about it

01:11:45.700 How does that work

01:11:46.380 He called me up

01:11:48.060 And he goes

01:11:49.500 Why

01:11:50.640 Why

01:11:51.220 Why

01:11:53.640 Why

01:11:53.920 And I go

01:11:58.600 I'm like

01:11:59.480 Hey what's up

01:11:59.840 No he goes

01:12:00.940 Hey I'm doing

01:12:01.420 Happy Gilmore 2

01:12:02.040 I'm like

01:12:02.320 Oh that's fucking awesome

01:12:03.520 Cause he had turned it down

01:12:04.740 For like decades

01:12:05.640 He was like

01:12:06.740 Never wanted to do

01:12:07.500 Like a reboot of it

01:12:08.660 Or a sequel

01:12:09.700 And he was like

01:12:11.480 Yeah

01:12:11.700 He's like

01:12:12.420 I don't have a script yet

01:12:13.160 But I wanted to play

01:12:14.380 The Caddy

01:12:14.880 And I'm like

01:12:15.600 Yeah

01:12:15.840 Fuck yeah

01:12:16.560 Amazing

01:12:17.500 So

01:12:18.680 Super stoked

01:12:19.760 Any opportunity

01:12:21.380 For a Grandma's Boy 2

01:12:22.600 You think

01:12:23.000 No I got off

01:12:23.920 For Grandma's Boy 2

01:12:24.760 I turned it down

01:12:25.680 Really

01:12:26.260 Yeah I just like

01:12:28.040 Sequels are so tricky

01:12:30.200 Especially with comedy

01:12:31.100 So I was like

01:12:33.060 Yeah

01:12:34.000 I just

01:12:34.580 Don't

01:12:34.940 I thought about it

01:12:35.900 For a minute

01:12:36.300 The only sequel

01:12:37.520 I ever wanted to do

01:12:39.080 Really bad

01:12:40.240 And I had thought

01:12:40.860 Of a whole concept

01:12:41.540 Was Benchwarmers 2

01:12:43.220 So I really wanted

01:12:45.700 To do that

01:12:46.460 And

01:12:46.960 We lost the rights

01:12:48.500 To the

01:12:49.020 Fucking movie

01:12:50.000 And they made some

01:12:51.040 Bonkers

01:12:52.820 Shit show

01:12:53.820 Of a sequel

01:12:54.320 But I had like

01:12:55.360 A whole

01:12:55.840 Outline of it

01:12:57.000 That was the only one

01:12:57.700 I would do a sequel to

01:12:58.780 Benchwarmers 2

01:12:59.680 Yeah it's like

01:13:01.180 Balls

01:13:01.980 Fart

01:13:02.540 Or something

01:13:03.100 Yeah

01:13:03.660 Yeah whatever

01:13:04.620 Mine would have been

01:13:06.180 Balls

01:13:06.740 Shart

01:13:07.380 So you'll be in that

01:13:09.180 That's awesome man

01:13:10.700 In Happy Gilmore

01:13:11.480 Yeah

01:13:11.640 What else did I just see

01:13:13.620 I saw

01:13:13.980 Oh Steve-O's

01:13:15.040 Getting breast implants

01:13:15.860 Did you see that

01:13:16.660 Is he really doing that

01:13:18.560 I'm doing a show

01:13:19.120 With him tomorrow night

01:13:19.980 Are you

01:13:20.520 Yeah

01:13:21.040 We're doing the

01:13:22.120 Dr. Phil

01:13:22.580 With Adam Ray

01:13:23.100 Oh yeah

01:13:24.240 Feel them

01:13:25.060 Freaking B cups

01:13:26.100 For me then

01:13:26.760 Yeah I think

01:13:28.980 He's gonna get them

01:13:29.540 For a couple of months

01:13:30.480 Is it a fundraiser

01:13:31.460 He's doing it for

01:13:32.200 That's the most

01:13:34.080 Steve-O thing ever

01:13:35.000 By the way

01:13:35.420 Steve-O's amazing

01:13:36.200 I love him

01:13:36.740 But getting tits

01:13:38.920 Is

01:13:39.640 Is he

01:13:42.120 Like

01:13:42.720 Is he gonna get rid

01:13:44.940 Of his penis

01:13:45.440 I don't know

01:13:45.960 Let me see

01:13:46.460 This says right here

01:13:47.260 Jackass star Steve-O

01:13:48.420 Confirmed this week

01:13:49.100 He's going to undergo

01:13:49.700 Breast augmentation

01:13:50.600 For a laugh

01:13:51.340 During an appearance

01:13:52.060 On the X5 podcast

01:13:53.500 On Wednesday

01:13:53.900 The 50 year old

01:13:54.700 Prankster said

01:13:55.520 He's been thinking

01:13:56.040 About getting a pair

01:13:56.880 Of fake breasts

01:13:57.580 For years

01:13:58.340 I came up with the idea

01:13:59.520 A few years ago

01:13:59.920 To get a boob job

01:14:00.680 And just film a bunch

01:14:01.720 Of legitimately funny

01:14:02.840 Hidden camera pranks

01:14:03.860 With me in disguise

01:14:04.920 In various disguises

01:14:06.420 I mean

01:14:07.900 I spoke with the doctors

01:14:09.560 And I said to them

01:14:10.180 Candidly

01:14:10.480 The one thing

01:14:11.240 I'm really freaked out

01:14:11.940 About and bummed out

01:14:12.540 About and would

01:14:13.220 Back out of this

01:14:14.420 Over is if I'm just

01:14:15.320 Gonna be a mess

01:14:16.080 Afterwards

01:14:16.620 He's gonna get

01:14:17.880 D-cups

01:14:18.640 Wow

01:14:19.120 I wouldn't go

01:14:20.580 That heavy

01:14:21.240 I don't think

01:14:21.820 Yeah that's a little

01:14:22.660 Aggressive

01:14:23.080 Two months

01:14:24.260 It comes out

01:14:24.820 Absolutely no issues

01:14:25.940 That's what the doctor

01:14:26.640 Told him

01:14:27.080 Wow

01:14:28.260 But D-cups

01:14:28.940 Is aggressive

01:14:29.920 Yeah

01:14:30.840 This feels

01:14:31.560 Why not just wear

01:14:32.800 Fake boobs to me

01:14:34.220 Like why not just wear

01:14:35.320 A

01:14:35.680 Yeah totally

01:14:36.420 Like a

01:14:37.940 Prosthetic tit

01:14:39.340 Or something

01:14:39.900 Synthetic

01:14:40.440 What is it

01:14:41.020 Yeah

01:14:41.340 Yeah a few years ago

01:14:44.600 To get a boob job

01:14:46.500 If you go through this

01:14:48.040 X5 will pay for that

01:14:50.580 Oh wow

01:14:51.780 And pay for

01:14:53.100 Sam from taking it

01:14:53.820 Look

01:14:54.520 I just so haven't

01:14:55.520 Had my checkbook

01:14:56.320 It's not a problem

01:14:57.560 Dude

01:14:57.760 That actually means

01:14:58.700 A lot to me

01:14:59.240 Thanks

01:14:59.520 Oh my god

01:15:01.820 Wow

01:15:02.460 I'm gonna see him tomorrow

01:15:03.720 So I'll ask him

01:15:04.840 I'll text you

01:15:05.380 That's incredible man

01:15:06.620 Yeah getting some breasts

01:15:08.260 Would be

01:15:08.880 I don't know if I would love them

01:15:10.160 What do you think Nick

01:15:11.000 I mean

01:15:12.160 I don't think I want

01:15:14.760 I don't want breasts

01:15:15.940 I don't

01:15:17.080 I don't think I want that

01:15:18.140 I mean that would be

01:15:19.880 D-cups

01:15:23.040 Again

01:15:23.880 Is like

01:15:24.440 That's

01:15:25.160 That's a haul

01:15:26.620 Yeah

01:15:27.140 You're hauling some

01:15:28.100 Fucking weight

01:15:29.100 Yeah

01:15:29.620 You got some

01:15:30.580 Mammaries

01:15:31.480 Yeah

01:15:32.240 Right there

01:15:32.760 And you don't have

01:15:33.400 A fake baby

01:15:34.200 To suck on them

01:15:36.180 Totatacons

01:15:37.560 You know what I'm saying

01:15:39.140 And there's no way

01:15:39.920 You're not gonna

01:15:40.540 Put your tongue on them

01:15:43.020 A little if you have them

01:15:43.840 Well no

01:15:44.660 You gotta eat them out

01:15:45.520 Oh

01:15:46.340 Yeah

01:15:46.940 You wanna be

01:15:47.420 Fucking nip

01:15:48.080 Yeah

01:15:49.940 I mean I would definitely

01:15:50.800 Just juice boxes

01:15:51.920 Little bad boys

01:15:52.920 You know

01:15:53.400 Yeah but I want

01:15:54.600 Juice boxes

01:15:55.240 In my tits

01:15:55.960 Oh yeah

01:15:56.660 So I want some Capri Suns

01:15:59.040 And then

01:15:59.500 Sucking on a vacation

01:16:01.760 And then we praise them

01:16:04.140 But yeah

01:16:05.400 I would for sure

01:16:06.480 Feel my tits

01:16:07.100 Would you get some

01:16:07.720 I don't know

01:16:08.220 It just seems like a lot

01:16:09.060 After the thing

01:16:09.840 What's better than

01:16:11.140 A well-marbled ribeye

01:16:12.300 Sizzling on the barbecue

01:16:13.400 A well-marbled ribeye

01:16:15.280 Sizzling on the barbecue

01:16:16.340 That was carefully selected

01:16:17.720 By an Instacart shopper

01:16:19.100 And delivered to your door

01:16:20.260 A well-marbled ribeye

01:16:22.000 You ordered

01:16:22.520 Without even leaving

01:16:23.640 The kiddie pool

01:16:24.520 Whatever groceries

01:16:26.020 Your summer calls for

01:16:27.260 Instacart has you covered

01:16:28.840 Download the Instacart app

01:16:30.540 And enjoy

01:16:31.060 Zero dollar delivery fees

01:16:32.580 On your first three orders

01:16:33.760 Service fees

01:16:34.700 Exclusions

01:16:35.340 And terms apply

01:16:36.380 Instacart

01:16:37.480 Groceries that over-deliver

01:16:39.400 What happened in Colorado

01:16:40.620 Did people call you

01:16:41.500 And like express concern

01:16:42.340 I was concerned

01:16:42.780 I reached out

01:16:43.280 I was like

01:16:43.500 Dude what's going on

01:16:44.180 I know you hit me up

01:16:44.920 You were like

01:16:45.360 What in the fuck

01:16:46.920 And I was like

01:16:48.300 Like

01:16:48.980 God

01:16:49.760 I've already been through

01:16:51.220 Hell and back

01:16:52.060 I was like

01:16:53.120 Yeah I got too high

01:16:53.820 In Colorado

01:16:54.300 I'm like

01:16:55.040 Yeah

01:16:55.640 What the fuck

01:16:56.280 People are like

01:16:56.840 Okay

01:16:57.720 Well

01:16:59.500 My bad

01:17:02.200 That was me

01:17:02.840 No no no

01:17:03.520 It's fine

01:17:03.960 Well you know

01:17:04.760 You're a good friend

01:17:05.580 Oh like

01:17:06.020 What's going on man

01:17:07.460 No it was a valid question

01:17:09.000 But I was like

01:17:09.500 You guys

01:17:09.860 Like people that like

01:17:10.620 Know know me

01:17:11.460 I'm like

01:17:11.820 They're like

01:17:12.920 Yeah okay

01:17:13.540 Like you're fine

01:17:14.500 You know what I mean

01:17:15.180 Like

01:17:15.500 I'm not like

01:17:16.520 You know

01:17:17.740 I don't

01:17:18.280 I'm not bonkers

01:17:19.660 It was just like

01:17:20.800 A slip

01:17:22.480 You know what I mean

01:17:23.100 Where I was like

01:17:23.820 Yeah I just

01:17:25.180 Made the mistake

01:17:26.300 Of taking edible

01:17:27.820 And I still take edibles

01:17:29.900 And I don't even do

01:17:31.360 Any other drugs

01:17:32.240 It's like

01:17:32.700 People think like

01:17:34.000 I'm some like

01:17:35.000 Cuckoo brain

01:17:35.940 It's like

01:17:36.740 No

01:17:37.060 I'm fucking

01:17:37.620 I know my shit

01:17:39.060 I'm smart

01:17:39.940 As fuck

01:17:40.420 Did people start

01:17:41.220 Coming to the shows

01:17:41.860 And wanting you to like

01:17:42.980 Do the same thing

01:17:43.760 Like kind of trip out

01:17:44.660 Or whatever

01:17:45.020 Well yeah

01:17:46.580 Like I said

01:17:47.080 Like I did

01:17:47.660 Two shows

01:17:48.720 Sold out in Aspen

01:17:49.840 People were throwing

01:17:50.640 Edibles at me

01:17:51.400 And then so people

01:17:52.620 Afterwards were like

01:17:53.380 Okay what's gonna happen

01:17:54.360 And I would address it

01:17:55.200 On stage

01:17:55.660 I was very candid

01:17:56.760 I'm like

01:17:57.240 You had a bad day at work

01:17:58.740 You ever have a bad day at work

01:18:00.000 And you end up

01:18:00.420 On the fucking news

01:18:01.340 Yeah that's a blast

01:18:03.420 But like my shows

01:18:04.880 After that

01:18:05.360 Like people can attest to that

01:18:06.520 Like Columbus

01:18:07.780 Omaha

01:18:08.360 Philly

01:18:09.060 Houston

01:18:09.640 Like they're all great

01:18:10.900 Like my new set

01:18:12.600 Is fire

01:18:13.380 It's awesome

01:18:14.280 Nick Swartzen dot net

01:18:16.180 You feel good about it

01:18:17.260 Yeah I love it

01:18:18.340 I talk about Norm Macdonald a lot

01:18:20.300 Oh yeah

01:18:20.840 Yeah I got three Norm stories

01:18:22.040 That are great

01:18:22.620 Do you remember

01:18:23.920 Did you ever go to his

01:18:24.560 Birthday party or anything

01:18:25.560 Yeah I went to everything

01:18:26.900 Really

01:18:27.260 Yeah

01:18:27.900 What was

01:18:29.360 Where was one of his

01:18:30.280 Birthday parties at

01:18:31.020 I never got to go to it

01:18:32.360 Well he would have

01:18:33.660 Ones at his house

01:18:34.560 Oh yeah

01:18:34.980 Yeah

01:18:35.480 Oh that's nice

01:18:36.420 But I remember

01:18:37.220 One of my favorite moments

01:18:38.260 Is uh

01:18:39.160 I was on tour with

01:18:40.760 Sandler Spade and Schneider

01:18:41.960 And Norm

01:18:42.920 And we were in Connecticut

01:18:44.240 Mohican Sun

01:18:45.020 And we were backstage

01:18:46.320 And Norm and I

01:18:47.640 Were in the hallway

01:18:48.260 And uh

01:18:49.600 There was a security guard

01:18:50.700 Walking down

01:18:51.240 And he had a gun

01:18:52.780 Security guard

01:18:53.880 But like long hallway

01:18:55.120 So I saw it

01:18:56.360 And I go to Norm

01:18:56.900 I go

01:18:57.280 Hey um

01:18:58.660 That guy's

01:19:00.260 Got a gun

01:19:01.220 And Norm was like

01:19:02.560 Really paranoid about death

01:19:03.680 And he goes

01:19:04.680 Hey what

01:19:05.660 Hey a gun

01:19:07.220 That guy's got a gun

01:19:08.860 And I was like

01:19:10.200 Yeah

01:19:10.640 And he goes in

01:19:11.980 The Sandler's dressing room

01:19:13.300 And it's again

01:19:14.300 Adam, David, and Rob

01:19:15.360 And Norm goes in

01:19:16.940 And he goes

01:19:17.180 Hey uh

01:19:17.900 There's a guy with a gun

01:19:19.720 And Adam goes

01:19:21.140 What the fuck

01:19:21.940 Are you serious

01:19:22.940 Everyone's like

01:19:23.480 Freaking out

01:19:24.060 And I go

01:19:24.800 Oh no no no

01:19:25.320 I was

01:19:25.680 No it's a security guard

01:19:26.980 I was joking

01:19:27.760 And everyone's like

01:19:29.160 What

01:19:29.460 And Norm goes

01:19:30.540 Yeah you said

01:19:31.400 There's a guy with a gun

01:19:32.120 I'm like

01:19:32.840 Yeah I know

01:19:33.260 I was just

01:19:33.700 It was a joke

01:19:34.420 And he goes

01:19:35.040 Why is that funny

01:19:36.820 And Adam's like

01:19:37.860 What the fuck

01:19:38.280 Is wrong with you

01:19:38.900 I'm like

01:19:39.160 No I was just

01:19:40.240 Trying to mess with Norm

01:19:41.020 It's fine

01:19:41.900 It's fine

01:19:42.780 And they're like

01:19:43.760 That's a joke

01:19:45.140 Fucking psycho

01:19:46.520 And I just went

01:19:47.620 To my room alone

01:19:48.440 And just sat there

01:19:49.220 I was like

01:19:49.720 There's a guy with a gun

01:19:51.680 How do you

01:19:52.480 No what

01:19:52.800 No a gun

01:19:53.980 What

01:19:54.840 No

01:19:55.600 I was like

01:19:56.760 How do I do it

01:19:57.760 Teach you how to do it

01:19:58.680 Do what

01:19:59.380 There's a guy with a gun

01:20:01.400 And you're gonna

01:20:02.560 Yeah no

01:20:03.800 It's like a little bit

01:20:04.880 A little bit

01:20:05.780 Of a hesitation

01:20:06.860 Where it's like

01:20:07.440 And you gotta do the hands

01:20:08.700 Yeah

01:20:09.540 What no

01:20:10.520 What

01:20:11.300 A gun

01:20:12.420 Yes

01:20:13.440 No there's a guy

01:20:15.060 Yeah

01:20:15.360 Wait he's got a gun

01:20:16.660 Or what

01:20:17.980 What

01:20:18.260 There's a guy with a gun

01:20:20.620 Yeah it's better

01:20:21.680 What

01:20:21.980 What are you

01:20:23.020 All right

01:20:23.800 What

01:20:24.380 He's not a dead body

01:20:27.840 You gotta like

01:20:28.320 Yeah I have to have a voice

01:20:29.300 There's a guy with a gun

01:20:31.020 No you're doing

01:20:31.720 A dead body voice

01:20:32.340 Sorry

01:20:32.600 There's a guy with a gun

01:20:34.220 No

01:20:34.800 Yeah I got

01:20:36.460 You gotta

01:20:36.920 That

01:20:37.300 There's a guy with a gun

01:20:39.420 That was kind of it

01:20:41.040 Yeah that's better

01:20:41.680 Thanks dude

01:20:41.840 That's better dog

01:20:42.500 Hey

01:20:42.860 What's another impersonation

01:20:43.940 You do anything

01:20:44.680 Morgan Freeman

01:20:45.940 I do a couple impressions

01:20:47.980 That I will save

01:20:49.260 Okay

01:20:49.660 For my new hour

01:20:50.440 I'm not gonna spoil it

01:20:52.380 There he is right there

01:20:54.120 Look at that

01:20:55.440 What a fuck

01:20:56.400 Oh Don Knotts

01:20:57.620 I loved him

01:20:58.360 Oh yeah that was impromptu

01:21:00.940 Not going well

01:21:02.240 I'm coming in your butt

01:21:05.220 So stupid

01:21:09.260 That's the worst Don Knotts

01:21:10.180 Well listen man

01:21:10.940 Hey

01:21:11.380 Your mouth is my toilet

01:21:12.940 That's the worst Don Knotts ever

01:21:16.160 Not that bad

01:21:17.440 It's fucking

01:21:18.640 Dog shit snowman

01:21:20.220 That's not Don Knotts

01:21:23.060 What

01:21:24.060 That's Don Knotts

01:21:25.700 I gotta

01:21:26.180 Yeah yeah yeah

01:21:27.120 I can do

01:21:28.680 Oh Morgan Freeman

01:21:30.480 You know

01:21:31.140 They said it would take a man

01:21:36.280 600 years

01:21:37.160 To get out of this

01:21:37.900 To get out of prison

01:21:38.500 But I ended who framed it

01:21:40.420 In less than 20

01:21:41.580 That was Frederick Douglass

01:21:44.320 Oh really

01:21:45.100 Where them boys at

01:21:47.680 That's Frederick Douglass dude

01:21:49.620 No you eat me out

01:21:51.080 Yeah you don't know

01:21:53.420 What's something you miss about

01:21:56.500 Like when you were younger

01:21:58.660 Is there anything you ever like

01:21:59.440 Have nostalgia for

01:22:00.340 Ever you feel like

01:22:01.060 Breaking things

01:22:03.780 Yeah

01:22:04.440 I remember like

01:22:05.720 Back in the day

01:22:06.420 Like growing up in the 80s

01:22:07.820 Yeah

01:22:08.120 1980s

01:22:09.520 And I remember it was like

01:22:11.160 We would have like

01:22:12.900 Oh okay

01:22:13.400 Like go outside and play

01:22:14.620 Yeah

01:22:15.040 And I would just break things

01:22:16.260 I would find things in the dumpster

01:22:18.240 Remember dumpsters

01:22:19.460 Yeah

01:22:19.960 Yeah

01:22:20.400 And you would find like

01:22:21.480 Some light bulbs

01:22:22.180 And then

01:22:22.600 Break those bitches

01:22:23.840 Maybe some fireworks

01:22:24.860 Yeah we don't know

01:22:26.020 The best was if you worked somewhere

01:22:27.460 And they're like

01:22:27.740 I need you

01:22:28.060 We need you to take these

01:22:28.840 Fluorescent bulbs out

01:22:29.700 We just change them out

01:22:30.660 And they would fucking explode

01:22:32.620 And the powder would come out

01:22:33.940 Yeah

01:22:34.300 And then you would orgasm

01:22:35.340 Yeah

01:22:35.900 Yeah

01:22:36.420 Did you

01:22:37.520 Did you ever meet Michael Jackson or not?

01:22:40.480 No

01:22:40.840 Damn

01:22:41.900 Not yet

01:22:42.600 Not yet

01:22:44.640 What about

01:22:45.500 Spacey just did a podcast

01:22:47.480 Did you ever meet him?

01:22:48.740 Kevin Spacey?

01:22:49.420 Yeah

01:22:49.580 No

01:22:49.740 Really?

01:22:51.840 I never did

01:22:52.560 I saw him at a party

01:22:54.080 And he looked at my genitals

01:22:56.520 And that was fine

01:22:58.860 That's where he looks

01:22:59.660 Yeah

01:23:00.460 No I never met him

01:23:02.920 He does a podcast

01:23:05.420 He just had a podcast

01:23:07.480 Is he like

01:23:08.300 Over his like

01:23:10.260 He just did one

01:23:11.980 Oh is he over the allegations against him?

01:23:14.740 Yeah I guess nothing ever happened

01:23:16.080 Oh he has his own podcast now?

01:23:17.840 No that was about his trial

01:23:19.400 Not

01:23:19.680 Okay

01:23:20.320 Yeah I don't know like

01:23:22.760 Who's canceled

01:23:23.680 Or what is going on

01:23:24.940 Yeah

01:23:25.280 It's fucking weird

01:23:26.040 Oh I don't think

01:23:27.640 I don't think anybody's canceling

01:23:28.700 Where nobody gives a fuck

01:23:29.580 Who gives a fuck

01:23:31.500 Kanye guy can't

01:23:32.380 Nobody gives a fuck

01:23:33.240 The dude's still selling out tours

01:23:34.800 So

01:23:35.020 Nobody cares what somebody says

01:23:36.900 In the media

01:23:37.280 Nobody even reads to me

01:23:38.080 It's like

01:23:38.460 It's so bizarre

01:23:39.720 It's so ambiguous

01:23:40.560 Because

01:23:40.920 You're like

01:23:42.020 What

01:23:43.100 Like who is

01:23:44.040 Are they still

01:23:45.680 Can we

01:23:46.800 Yeah

01:23:48.180 I think you can kind of do

01:23:49.640 Whatever you want

01:23:50.400 It feels like

01:23:50.920 You know

01:23:51.300 I'm gonna fucking

01:23:52.980 Fuck this plant

01:23:53.880 Yeah

01:23:55.060 Yeah

01:23:55.420 Then cancel me

01:23:56.320 That's fine with me

01:23:57.400 I'm gonna fuck your wig

01:24:00.080 No

01:24:00.940 Yep I'm gonna take a shit on your wig

01:24:02.320 Don't do that

01:24:03.420 Shit wig

01:24:04.120 Don't

01:24:04.720 That's my next special

01:24:05.520 Buddy

01:24:06.060 Shit wig

01:24:06.780 Hey shit wig

01:24:08.540 Dude what's something

01:24:10.020 Tell me something else

01:24:10.920 From like a

01:24:11.300 Let me think of a good

01:24:12.440 Oh this was the best

01:24:13.800 This is the best

01:24:14.480 Touring story I ever heard

01:24:16.160 Right

01:24:16.400 And I don't remember

01:24:17.780 Who told it to me

01:24:18.580 But they said that

01:24:19.940 One night

01:24:20.560 They were at

01:24:21.920 They'd done a

01:24:23.500 Show at a comedy club

01:24:24.300 They get off stage

01:24:25.180 And their

01:24:26.240 Opener

01:24:27.120 They were both

01:24:28.760 Staying at the same hotel

01:24:29.680 They said

01:24:30.420 Right when they get off stage

01:24:31.400 Some

01:24:31.680 Like this hot chick

01:24:32.880 Comes and rushes up

01:24:34.200 And is like flirting with them

01:24:36.000 And they're like

01:24:37.300 And she's like

01:24:39.240 Let's go back to my place

01:24:40.400 And

01:24:41.580 Her place was like

01:24:42.640 30 minutes away

01:24:43.720 So the comic was like

01:24:45.520 Nah let's just go back

01:24:46.440 To my hotel room

01:24:47.200 Right

01:24:47.360 So they go back to the hotel

01:24:48.400 And

01:24:49.420 She starts getting like

01:24:50.640 Super belligerent

01:24:51.580 Is like throwing shit at him

01:24:52.580 In the room and stuff

01:24:53.360 Being like let's go to my place

01:24:54.400 Let's go to my place

01:24:55.320 She's like I have drugs there

01:24:56.940 And so finally

01:24:58.280 The comedian's like

01:24:58.960 Fuck this is too crazy man

01:25:00.660 And he throws her out of his room

01:25:02.680 She goes down the hall

01:25:04.760 Or when she's leaving somehow

01:25:05.960 She comes across the opener

01:25:07.880 Who was also staying at the hotel

01:25:09.340 The opener goes to

01:25:12.640 Leaves with the chick

01:25:14.000 Goes to her house

01:25:15.180 Right

01:25:15.420 They take a taxi there

01:25:16.400 Or whatever

01:25:16.720 They get inside

01:25:18.960 The chick they're hooking up

01:25:21.260 They take some pills

01:25:23.320 Or the girl took a pill

01:25:24.860 Or something like that

01:25:25.620 The girl

01:25:27.020 Handcuffs the guy to a bed

01:25:29.940 Starts giving him like a BJ

01:25:31.940 And she passes out

01:25:34.840 So now the dude's

01:25:36.880 Handcuffed to the bed

01:25:38.000 This chick is passed out

01:25:39.180 On his lap

01:25:39.900 And he sees like

01:25:41.040 Some headlights come across

01:25:42.420 The

01:25:42.720 Through the windows

01:25:43.620 Of like a car

01:25:44.300 Pulling into the driveway

01:25:45.240 So he's like

01:25:46.700 Oh

01:25:47.220 Fuck

01:25:48.060 A man

01:25:49.380 Comes in

01:25:50.500 Walks

01:25:51.240 Down the hallway

01:25:51.840 Looks in the bedroom

01:25:53.140 Where this dude is

01:25:53.940 On the bed

01:25:54.720 With this chick

01:25:55.660 Right

01:25:56.000 Goes into the kitchen

01:25:58.040 Or whatever

01:25:58.440 Does something

01:25:58.920 Comes back

01:25:59.440 Gets the girl

01:26:00.360 Takes her out of there

01:26:02.200 Puts her somewhere

01:26:03.540 Comes back in the room

01:26:05.220 Tells the dude

01:26:06.460 If I ever see you

01:26:07.660 At my house again

01:26:08.340 I'm gonna fucking kill you

01:26:09.520 Blows the dude

01:26:11.600 I was hoping

01:26:13.420 You were gonna say that

01:26:14.580 Then

01:26:15.280 Lets him go dude

01:26:17.220 And gave him all his shit

01:26:18.660 And fucking sent him walking

01:26:19.660 The headlining comedian

01:26:20.900 Says like

01:26:22.280 5am

01:26:22.980 He gets a call

01:26:23.980 And it's the opener

01:26:25.840 And the opener's at like

01:26:26.960 A gas station

01:26:27.820 Or something

01:26:28.380 25 minutes away

01:26:30.380 And needs some help

01:26:31.140 Oh my god

01:26:32.940 I don't know

01:26:33.620 If that's a true story

01:26:34.480 But it was

01:26:35.260 The guy who told it to me

01:26:36.580 I wanna believe it's true

01:26:38.400 I

01:26:38.720 He told

01:26:39.440 It was so

01:26:40.360 It had

01:26:41.600 A little detailed

01:26:42.300 Yeah

01:26:43.220 Oh

01:26:44.060 That'd be the worst dude

01:26:45.660 Why

01:26:46.820 The guy

01:26:47.140 Did he come

01:26:47.840 I don't know

01:26:49.220 I mean

01:26:49.640 That's a valid question

01:26:50.620 Oh

01:26:51.660 It just

01:26:53.100 It's just that kind of

01:26:53.800 You got fucking multiple mouths on your dick

01:26:55.980 It just makes me sad

01:26:57.740 That that's the kind of stuff that's going on

01:26:59.100 The bait and switch type of thing

01:27:01.200 That makes you sad

01:27:01.580 Yeah

01:27:02.400 Yeah

01:27:02.840 Do you cry over it

01:27:04.360 You weep

01:27:04.900 I wouldn't cry over it

01:27:06.540 But you said sadness

01:27:07.760 What bums me out

01:27:09.460 It doesn't bum you out

01:27:10.640 That somebody's getting chained up at a house

01:27:12.360 Thinking they're gonna hook up with a girl

01:27:13.880 And then somebody's stepdad or whatever

01:27:15.960 Comes in and BJ's them out

01:27:17.520 No

01:27:19.000 Yeah well

01:27:20.100 Yeah

01:27:20.660 If I only had a heart

01:27:22.680 Yeah no it's amazing

01:27:27.780 What else man

01:27:28.840 I mean most stories

01:27:29.480 So

01:27:29.920 One story I had

01:27:32.060 So I had to do a gig

01:27:33.820 In Philly

01:27:35.360 It was a casino

01:27:35.960 I had to go through Dallas

01:27:37.600 And I had a casino in Iowa

01:27:39.160 So same day

01:27:40.840 So this is not

01:27:42.500 A similar story in any way

01:27:44.460 Weird segue

01:27:45.520 But

01:27:45.940 It was one of my favorite moments

01:27:47.540 Of the spring tour

01:27:48.380 So I go Philly

01:27:49.820 Through Dallas

01:27:50.800 Sioux Falls

01:27:51.640 Drive to Iowa

01:27:52.600 Again

01:27:53.200 Same day

01:27:53.920 Key detail

01:27:54.620 So I go

01:27:56.580 And my flight's at 6 in the morning

01:27:58.700 I've gotta make this show in Iowa

01:28:00.540 So I go to the airport

01:28:03.020 9pm

01:28:04.400 And I'm like

01:28:05.240 I'm just gonna sleep at the airport

01:28:06.260 So I show up at 9pm

01:28:08.180 I'm like

01:28:08.600 Hey I'll just sleep

01:28:09.900 At the gate

01:28:10.820 What airport

01:28:11.460 Philadelphia

01:28:12.420 Okay

01:28:13.020 So I'm like

01:28:13.500 I'll just sleep at the airport

01:28:14.280 And they were like

01:28:15.780 I'll sleep at the airport

01:28:16.880 Yeah I was like

01:28:17.340 I'll sleep

01:28:17.780 I don't fucking care

01:28:19.000 Like I'll just fucking sleep

01:28:20.620 On the floor

01:28:21.140 In front of the gate

01:28:21.920 What do you mean

01:28:22.560 You'll sleep at the airport

01:28:23.560 My flight

01:28:24.380 My flight was at 6 in the morning

01:28:25.240 I've seen people sleep all the time

01:28:27.020 At the airport

01:28:27.340 It's an airport

01:28:28.260 Yeah I know

01:28:29.280 I'm like

01:28:29.740 Whatever

01:28:30.000 Fuck it

01:28:30.620 Yeah you're right

01:28:31.900 9pm

01:28:32.580 Night before

01:28:33.080 And I go

01:28:34.620 Hey can I just sleep

01:28:35.900 Here

01:28:36.440 And they were like

01:28:37.580 No

01:28:38.020 Yeah

01:28:38.860 They were like

01:28:39.220 TSA is closed

01:28:40.260 And I'm like

01:28:41.380 Oh fuck

01:28:41.900 And they're like

01:28:42.260 We have a Marriott airport

01:28:43.420 Hotel

01:28:44.300 And I'm like

01:28:44.720 Oh okay

01:28:45.160 So I go to the Marriott

01:28:46.560 Connected to the airport

01:28:47.640 And I go

01:28:47.980 Hey can I get a room

01:28:48.980 And they're like

01:28:49.340 No we're sold out

01:28:50.100 Oversold out

01:28:50.720 And I go

01:28:51.940 Motherfucker

01:28:53.360 I'm like

01:28:54.100 Are you serious

01:28:54.760 And they were like

01:28:55.260 Yeah

01:28:55.460 So I go to the airport bar

01:28:57.500 At the Marriott

01:28:58.080 And I'm like

01:28:58.700 Can I get a cocktail

01:29:00.160 So this couple

01:29:01.520 That I had met in Key West

01:29:02.800 And they go

01:29:04.100 Nick

01:29:04.760 Swartzen

01:29:05.980 And I go

01:29:06.380 Yeah

01:29:06.740 What's up

01:29:07.220 And they go

01:29:08.320 What are you doing

01:29:09.380 And I'm like

01:29:09.820 I'm fucking homeless

01:29:11.500 I'm homeless

01:29:12.920 I have no place to stay

01:29:14.540 I gotta fly to Dallas tomorrow

01:29:15.820 And they go

01:29:16.840 Oh we're on that Dallas flight

01:29:18.000 And I go

01:29:19.000 Oh cool

01:29:19.460 And they're like

01:29:19.940 You don't have a room

01:29:20.900 And I'm like

01:29:21.240 No

01:29:21.540 So they're like

01:29:22.420 Do you want to crash

01:29:22.980 On our floor

01:29:23.480 So I just slept

01:29:25.240 On this couple's floor

01:29:26.860 They were so nice

01:29:27.760 I literally slept

01:29:29.000 On their floor

01:29:29.560 They gave me a pillow

01:29:30.760 Slept on the floor

01:29:32.000 Oh wow

01:29:32.540 And then we woke up

01:29:33.560 Four in the morning

01:29:34.100 Made our flight

01:29:34.740 And I made the gig

01:29:35.420 And it was great

01:29:36.000 Did they

01:29:37.060 Were they like

01:29:39.240 It was like

01:29:40.180 Trying to be a swinger thing

01:29:41.520 Or no

01:29:41.820 No not at all

01:29:42.660 It was just like

01:29:43.420 Hey do you want to crash

01:29:44.340 I'm like

01:29:44.780 I don't know

01:29:45.840 What other comic

01:29:46.660 Would do that

01:29:47.460 Yeah

01:29:47.900 Just sleep on a floor

01:29:49.160 I'm like

01:29:49.620 And I vaguely knew them

01:29:51.440 From Key West

01:29:52.080 They were really sweet

01:29:53.000 But I was just like

01:29:54.180 Yeah I'm just gonna

01:29:54.780 Yeah

01:29:55.300 Dude my buddy Jiggy

01:29:56.720 He opens up

01:29:57.540 With Impractical Joker

01:29:59.640 Sometimes

01:30:00.200 Okay

01:30:00.760 They're great by the way

01:30:01.800 Those guys are awesome

01:30:02.660 Comedian

01:30:03.620 He was on a plane

01:30:05.860 Talking to a girl

01:30:06.760 Flirting

01:30:07.360 Having a good time

01:30:08.900 The plane ends up

01:30:11.060 Getting delayed

01:30:11.720 It doesn't leave the tarmac

01:30:13.020 It goes back to the gate

01:30:14.160 The girl kind of speaks

01:30:16.100 A little bit of a different language

01:30:17.200 But the girl says

01:30:18.360 You can come and stay with me

01:30:19.660 So my buddy's like

01:30:20.960 Holy shit

01:30:21.700 Dude I'm gonna go

01:30:22.180 Stay at this girl's place

01:30:23.300 What are the odds

01:30:23.900 The girl

01:30:25.700 They get to the place

01:30:27.160 It's the girl's

01:30:27.860 Grandmother's house

01:30:29.000 Him

01:30:29.680 The girl

01:30:30.280 And the grandmother

01:30:30.880 All slept in the same bed

01:30:32.160 Just watching a movie

01:30:33.040 What?

01:30:34.000 Yeah

01:30:34.240 Any new pets in your life?

01:30:37.860 I do not

01:30:38.580 I wish

01:30:39.700 Yeah

01:30:40.340 I travel so much

01:30:41.160 I love cats and dogs

01:30:42.160 I'm addicted

01:30:43.180 Fully addicted to

01:30:44.780 Instagram

01:30:45.760 Animal videos

01:30:47.040 Yeah

01:30:47.420 Like I spend

01:30:48.480 Maybe ballpark

01:30:50.280 Two hours a day

01:30:50.980 Watching animal videos

01:30:52.860 And just sending them to people

01:30:54.520 My family

01:30:55.940 Yeah

01:30:56.600 Yeah

01:30:57.260 My friends

01:30:57.940 Yeah there's something

01:30:58.900 Beautiful about that

01:30:59.780 There's something I love

01:31:00.560 Seeing a little animal

01:31:01.700 I got to meet some alpacas

01:31:03.700 Yesterday

01:31:04.240 Or not yesterday

01:31:06.120 One week ago

01:31:06.960 I mean that's amazing

01:31:08.540 Where was that?

01:31:09.620 It was in Utah

01:31:10.780 Oh

01:31:11.460 Just had a beautiful time

01:31:12.680 Forward to those alpacas

01:31:13.980 A little bit

01:31:14.780 Right

01:31:15.300 I love alpacas

01:31:17.200 Here we go

01:31:17.920 My boys got them

01:31:19.140 Hey buddies

01:31:20.100 Oh dang

01:31:21.400 Wow

01:31:22.100 Wow

01:31:23.140 Bro

01:31:23.620 That's why I quit smoking

01:31:26.440 Homie

01:31:26.880 Dang

01:31:27.200 Beautiful

01:31:29.240 Wow

01:31:29.960 They're beautiful

01:31:30.700 And their fur

01:31:33.100 That's good brother

01:31:35.700 And their fur

01:31:37.720 Is so warm and soft

01:31:39.780 Their fur is so warm and soft

01:31:42.880 Dude

01:31:43.180 And some of them look so weird

01:31:45.000 And look at this dude

01:31:46.280 John Rogan dude

01:31:47.520 That was our bus driver

01:31:50.720 John Rogan?

01:31:52.340 Yeah

01:31:52.600 Is he related to Joe?

01:31:54.120 He grew up in the same town

01:31:55.700 Is that true?

01:31:56.880 Yeah

01:31:57.060 My favorite is

01:31:58.480 I had lunch with

01:31:59.520 Joe Rogan recently

01:32:00.820 And he had

01:32:02.460 Genie sashimi

01:32:03.800 He brought a genie lamp

01:32:05.960 And rubbed it

01:32:06.940 Genie came out

01:32:07.880 And Joe cut it up

01:32:09.480 Fucking ate it

01:32:10.780 Yeah

01:32:11.340 Oh that's beautiful

01:32:12.580 Yeah he's not afraid

01:32:13.780 Dude I think sometimes

01:32:15.580 I wish my fucking

01:32:16.880 I wish I had

01:32:18.600 Metal legs

01:32:19.260 No because it would be

01:32:21.020 So clangy

01:32:21.760 When you were sitting down

01:32:22.600 Yeah

01:32:23.860 Not if you sit right

01:32:24.940 That's why you cross your legs

01:32:26.860 You wish you had more balls

01:32:28.600 You could handle it or not

01:32:29.660 Or two's good

01:32:30.520 I think two's fine

01:32:32.220 I mean ideally

01:32:33.500 I would like eight

01:32:35.200 Little fucking satchel

01:32:38.540 Little family huh?

01:32:39.840 Yeah

01:32:40.020 Little fucking hobo satchel

01:32:41.780 That little

01:32:42.280 With a stick

01:32:43.040 With a fucking satchel

01:32:44.220 Oh yeah

01:32:44.820 Like a little spider

01:32:45.780 Carrying their eggs

01:32:46.660 Or whatever

01:32:46.920 Exactly

01:32:47.460 Yeah

01:32:48.180 And then they spread

01:32:48.980 And fucking

01:32:49.460 Disease

01:32:50.640 Yeah

01:32:51.900 Have you ever had

01:32:53.120 A STD or not?

01:32:55.200 I have not

01:32:55.820 Not yet

01:32:58.260 Sure dude

01:32:59.220 I'll be on tour

01:33:00.340 Nick Swartz and Dodd

01:33:01.620 Everybody lies

01:33:03.380 Is that dude

01:33:04.260 You see that lady

01:33:05.640 That hid those drugs

01:33:06.600 In those burritos?

01:33:08.720 Is that a euphemism?

01:33:10.400 Drug disguised

01:33:11.460 As Taco Bell burritos

01:33:13.060 Found during traffic stop

01:33:14.840 Great now I want Taco Bell

01:33:15.960 Thanks

01:33:16.620 Wow

01:33:18.220 You ever do some good

01:33:20.040 Blow back in the day

01:33:21.020 Nick ever?

01:33:22.740 I was never a big coke guy

01:33:24.700 But I did do it one time

01:33:27.080 Where it was like really good

01:33:28.860 Like 20 years ago

01:33:30.140 Yeah

01:33:30.660 And it was like pure

01:33:32.280 And what

01:33:33.980 You guys have a long night on

01:33:35.600 Do you remember that or not?

01:33:36.800 I remember like

01:33:38.200 It was in Atlanta

01:33:40.020 Fucking ATL

01:33:41.300 I'll be there on tour

01:33:42.880 Nick Swartz

01:33:43.440 I'm just kidding

01:33:44.300 I just keep whoring myself

01:33:45.600 No but yeah

01:33:46.900 I went to some bar

01:33:47.620 And I did blow with

01:33:48.560 This fucking black dude

01:33:49.520 Who's cool as shit

01:33:50.300 And then we talked

01:33:51.420 Philosophy all night

01:33:52.560 Oh yeah

01:33:53.600 Yeah

01:33:54.040 It was like one of those

01:33:54.900 Cocaineversations

01:33:56.040 Yeah

01:33:56.680 It was just

01:33:58.680 Fucking chat Sajak

01:34:00.680 We were just back and forth

01:34:02.100 And we were talking about

01:34:03.480 The difference between

01:34:04.220 Plato and Socrates

01:34:05.500 And then existentialism

01:34:07.540 It got like

01:34:08.540 Yeah it got bonkers

01:34:09.480 Yeah

01:34:10.200 Because I love

01:34:10.660 Transcendentalism

01:34:12.400 And existentialism

01:34:13.900 I haven't seen

01:34:14.740 Existentialism

01:34:15.460 So like Emerson and Thoreau

01:34:15.900 Like I can talk

01:34:16.940 Like all that stuff

01:34:17.660 But it was a great night

01:34:19.600 It was great

01:34:20.560 I got cornered by two brothers

01:34:22.480 One time at a pizza joint

01:34:23.840 Actually

01:34:24.320 Out there in

01:34:25.660 Out there

01:34:28.420 Near Palm Springs

01:34:29.900 And

01:34:30.960 Okay

01:34:31.300 They were the first people

01:34:32.980 That ever talked about

01:34:33.520 Flat Earth

01:34:34.180 Two brothers

01:34:36.280 You wouldn't expect that

01:34:38.080 You would

01:34:39.520 Yeah you might be right

01:34:40.760 Yeah you would

01:34:41.500 What was the pizza joint

01:34:43.220 It was at a casino out there

01:34:45.200 I was working at a casino

01:34:45.920 And they had a pizza place

01:34:46.760 In it

01:34:47.020 I don't remember the name of it

01:34:47.780 Okay it was at a casino though

01:34:48.920 Yeah

01:34:49.100 It wasn't like a franchise

01:34:50.020 It wasn't like pizza

01:34:51.560 I remember

01:34:52.800 Yeah

01:34:53.400 I did a movie in

01:34:54.720 Southern Indiana

01:34:55.760 Yeah

01:34:56.280 And it was

01:34:57.340 Retarded

01:34:58.260 My friend Michael Rosenbaum's movie

01:34:59.900 It's great

01:35:00.320 It's called Back in the Day

01:35:01.120 It's awesome

01:35:01.500 Is it out yet

01:35:02.080 Yeah it's out

01:35:03.240 It's on DVD

01:35:03.920 Oh nice

01:35:04.620 Yeah it's great

01:35:05.260 Great movie

01:35:05.920 But we were in Southern Indiana

01:35:07.240 And they were like

01:35:07.840 And I go

01:35:08.820 Do you

01:35:09.460 Guys have like

01:35:10.740 What's a nice restaurant here

01:35:12.500 And they're like

01:35:14.060 We have a Pizza Hut

01:35:14.940 And that was their

01:35:16.840 Fancy place

01:35:18.300 And I was like

01:35:19.720 Alright

01:35:20.020 So I went to Pizza Hut

01:35:22.000 But that was their

01:35:23.660 That was their bar

01:35:25.040 They were like

01:35:25.480 Yeah

01:35:25.680 Yeah we have a fancy place

01:35:27.680 Pizza Hut

01:35:29.040 Yeah

01:35:30.240 Yeah Pizza Hut's kind of like

01:35:31.980 I still have diarrhea

01:35:32.580 Pizza Hut's kind of like

01:35:34.140 That thing wherever you put

01:35:35.700 Whatever you put in it

01:35:37.180 It's still gonna be

01:35:39.080 You can tell

01:35:39.980 Because of the roof

01:35:40.680 You know

01:35:41.020 It's almost like

01:35:41.880 If somebody's trans

01:35:42.740 Or whatever

01:35:43.060 Like no matter what you do

01:35:44.480 You know

01:35:45.860 Because of the roof

01:35:46.840 What the original

01:35:49.000 Kind of structure was

01:35:50.340 You know

01:35:50.640 Right yeah totally

01:35:51.440 Like it could be

01:35:52.280 A Chase Bank

01:35:53.120 And you're like

01:35:53.500 Yeah but

01:35:54.320 Yeah but

01:35:55.680 What was it

01:35:57.940 We know there was

01:35:58.620 Breadsticks up here

01:35:59.520 Yeah

01:35:59.960 Also like

01:36:00.700 Whenever hut

01:36:01.760 Is in the word

01:36:02.560 That's

01:36:03.380 Yeah

01:36:04.060 There's nothing classy

01:36:05.200 About like

01:36:05.940 Yeah there's

01:36:07.100 Let's go to sushi hut

01:36:08.480 Yeah

01:36:09.280 No I'm not doing that

01:36:10.340 Let's go to fucking

01:36:12.000 China hut

01:36:13.480 Yeah yeah

01:36:14.220 Yeah that's not good

01:36:15.940 It's a hut

01:36:16.680 Or

01:36:17.300 Bistro

01:36:18.900 I'm like

01:36:19.440 That

01:36:21.400 I don't know

01:36:22.160 If that's what we should eat at

01:36:23.480 Dude we had a dude

01:36:24.500 One time in our neighborhood

01:36:25.280 I knew we were talking about

01:36:26.240 Like kind of racial clothing

01:36:27.400 Or whatever earlier

01:36:27.940 But

01:36:28.200 He had a hat

01:36:30.340 Right

01:36:30.600 The hat said

01:36:31.320 The N word

01:36:32.000 On the front

01:36:32.620 Right

01:36:32.980 He sold this hat

01:36:34.780 It said the N word

01:36:35.400 On the back

01:36:36.320 It said just joking

01:36:37.640 Across the back

01:36:38.460 So

01:36:40.260 Who the fuck sold that

01:36:41.820 I guess like

01:36:43.600 An entrepreneur

01:36:44.160 Or whatever

01:36:44.780 I don't know what it's called

01:36:45.700 What

01:36:46.420 But

01:36:47.120 An entrepreneur

01:36:48.220 Or an intrapreneur

01:36:50.320 Dude

01:36:50.540 Yeah I guess so

01:36:51.780 Hard

01:36:52.500 Entrepreneur

01:36:53.980 But it was crazy

01:36:56.060 Because at first

01:36:56.820 I just saw the

01:36:57.480 The front of it

01:36:58.560 And I was like

01:36:58.920 Oh man you can't

01:37:00.400 I wouldn't make

01:37:00.920 I was like

01:37:01.960 I was like

01:37:03.460 Save me one

01:37:04.280 But I wouldn't make

01:37:04.900 A lot of those

01:37:05.560 You know

01:37:05.980 Yeah

01:37:06.540 But then he goes

01:37:07.840 Dude no

01:37:08.660 And he turns around

01:37:09.280 And says just joking

01:37:10.360 Across the back

01:37:11.120 It's like oh

01:37:12.060 It's so weird

01:37:13.320 Yeah I mean it's just like

01:37:15.040 One of those gimmicky

01:37:15.860 Kind of shirts or whatever

01:37:16.920 No I get what it is

01:37:18.360 You know

01:37:18.920 Can you see that video

01:37:20.680 Where they find

01:37:21.200 What if it was a yarmulke

01:37:22.160 The mentally challenged guy

01:37:24.060 And they catch him

01:37:24.860 They accuse him of being

01:37:25.960 A child predator

01:37:26.940 And then they make him

01:37:27.800 Wear a shirt that said

01:37:28.980 I went to meet up

01:37:30.040 With a child

01:37:30.620 And all I got

01:37:31.160 Was this stupid shirt

01:37:32.400 Can you believe that shit

01:37:33.860 Is that real

01:37:34.760 Yeah

01:37:35.140 Oh that's amazing

01:37:36.080 Can you pull it up Nick

01:37:37.100 It's on TikTok I think

01:37:39.080 But it's just

01:37:40.480 There's a lot of this

01:37:42.320 Child predator stuff now

01:37:43.620 You know

01:37:43.940 You see that guy

01:37:44.940 Vitale

01:37:45.620 And

01:37:46.260 Maybe in Bradley

01:37:50.220 Martin caught a

01:37:51.300 They caught a Hollywood

01:37:52.300 Executive

01:37:52.600 They surprised him

01:37:53.900 At a pizza place

01:37:54.860 But it's crazy

01:37:56.400 That just regular

01:37:57.380 Everyday citizens now

01:37:58.440 Are doing

01:37:59.080 Have become officers

01:38:00.340 You know

01:38:00.980 Right

01:38:01.740 Here you go right here

01:38:03.520 What is your name

01:38:04.640 Boris

01:38:05.080 My name is Boris

01:38:05.860 Boris

01:38:06.320 What's your name

01:38:07.040 Shake my hand

01:38:07.620 What's the problem

01:38:08.440 What do you see

01:38:09.280 With my daughter

01:38:10.040 You know how old she is

01:38:11.480 I don't know

01:38:12.560 I have no idea

01:38:12.960 You have no idea

01:38:13.740 I have no idea

01:38:14.840 You have no idea

01:38:15.560 No

01:38:15.880 The fuck you thought

01:38:17.540 Was going to happen here

01:38:18.200 Nothing I

01:38:19.000 We're going to have a pizza

01:38:20.360 I don't know

01:38:20.860 Pizza

01:38:21.280 Yeah you don't know

01:38:21.980 How old is she

01:38:22.820 Red

01:38:23.420 I met

01:38:24.440 You know how old she is

01:38:25.380 I matched with her

01:38:26.140 She was 23

01:38:27.020 23

01:38:27.560 Is that what

01:38:28.300 Is that what

01:38:28.500 The conversation looked like

01:38:29.480 She was 23

01:38:31.440 On a dating site

01:38:32.580 On a dating site

01:38:34.400 Yes

01:38:34.800 Yeah

01:38:35.120 Yeah she was 23

01:38:36.080 How old is she

01:38:36.760 I have no idea

01:38:37.880 Lila how old are you

01:38:38.760 15

01:38:39.700 I'm sorry

01:38:41.860 15

01:38:42.560 She was 23

01:38:43.320 On a dating site

01:38:44.140 All we've done

01:38:45.640 So she didn't tell you

01:38:46.600 She didn't tell you

01:38:47.040 How old she was

01:38:47.540 That's good

01:38:48.060 She did

01:38:48.600 How old is she

01:38:49.380 Yeah that's Bradley Martin

01:38:50.100 Talking some of you guys

01:38:50.840 Can't see it

01:38:51.320 If you're just on audio

01:38:52.080 But they just stopped

01:38:53.840 This guy

01:38:54.320 Who I guess

01:38:54.700 Met up with a girl

01:38:55.400 At a pizza place

01:38:56.440 But you're seeing

01:38:58.100 A lot of this now

01:38:59.000 Like

01:38:59.300 Vigilantes

01:39:01.100 Vigilantes

01:39:01.740 Yeah

01:39:02.280 You're seeing it everywhere

01:39:03.480 Yeah but why does it

01:39:04.240 Always come back to pizza

01:39:05.640 Yeah

01:39:08.220 That's a good question

01:39:09.360 Why don't we ban pizza

01:39:10.440 Yeah cause

01:39:12.700 Let's get rid of pizza

01:39:13.260 But yeah

01:39:15.420 Or open up a pizza slut hut

01:39:16.960 Did they lose their job

01:39:18.780 Nick because of that though

01:39:19.780 No it just kind of went away

01:39:21.860 Oh

01:39:23.780 But did

01:39:24.940 I thought Vitaly

01:39:25.600 Got kicked off a kick

01:39:26.480 I thought you were

01:39:29.920 Talking about the writer

01:39:30.860 I'm looking that up

01:39:31.800 If he got kicked off

01:39:32.820 I don't know who that is

01:39:36.460 It's a streamer

01:39:37.700 Um

01:39:38.160 These streamers

01:39:39.480 It's a tough business man

01:39:40.360 Could you imagine that

01:39:41.240 Milinakis did it for a while

01:39:42.820 Yeah I mean

01:39:44.280 He was like

01:39:44.680 One of the originals

01:39:45.780 Yeah Andy like started streaming

01:39:47.840 Like way back in the day

01:39:49.920 Yeah

01:39:50.240 And I was like

01:39:50.540 What the fuck is going on here

01:39:51.500 Cause it'd be crazy

01:39:52.160 When you're around him

01:39:52.760 He's just streaming

01:39:53.440 He's just this whole universe

01:39:54.640 Going in you know

01:39:55.500 Yeah

01:39:56.020 It's like you're literally

01:39:56.600 Stuck in the internet

01:39:57.540 It feels like

01:39:58.340 Well you're

01:39:59.900 You're just non

01:40:00.780 It's non-stop content

01:40:02.160 Right

01:40:02.680 So it's like

01:40:03.320 I can't

01:40:04.000 It feels exhausting

01:40:04.820 It feels super exhausting

01:40:06.560 Like I am

01:40:08.280 So

01:40:09.960 Like tired of like

01:40:11.780 Just touring enough

01:40:13.560 And like coming out like

01:40:14.660 New special

01:40:15.500 July 18th

01:40:16.800 But like you know

01:40:17.760 Just touring and like

01:40:18.600 Doing my nonsense

01:40:19.620 And like filming

01:40:20.400 But I can't imagine like

01:40:22.000 Non-stop

01:40:23.920 Like having your phone

01:40:24.900 Like

01:40:25.320 Yeah

01:40:26.460 Hey I'm here

01:40:27.360 Pizza Hut

01:40:28.720 How old are you?

01:40:31.560 I'm just like

01:40:32.340 Oh my god

01:40:33.440 Fuck

01:40:34.400 Dude imagine if you're

01:40:36.220 Just trying to

01:40:36.580 This must be the worst part

01:40:38.840 You're sitting there

01:40:40.260 You're just trying to

01:40:41.560 Enjoy your meal

01:40:42.640 Right

01:40:43.920 And somebody next to you

01:40:45.660 Is a child predator

01:40:47.420 So now your meal's ruined

01:40:49.980 And you're in the background

01:40:51.960 Yes

01:40:52.760 So people

01:40:53.640 Are like

01:40:54.560 People are like

01:40:54.800 Dude I saw you hanging out

01:40:55.700 With that child predator

01:40:56.560 You're like

01:40:56.920 Hanging out

01:40:58.260 I was at table seven

01:40:59.340 Yeah and they're like

01:41:00.660 Rick

01:41:01.160 Are you

01:41:02.840 Affiliated with Gary

01:41:04.680 Who's fucking

01:41:06.200 Putting babies on his asshole

01:41:08.660 And what's in your new special

01:41:10.140 Is it tough to make a new special

01:41:11.340 These days?

01:41:11.940 I mean

01:41:12.920 It's hard as shit

01:41:13.720 Cause it's like

01:41:14.420 And I think you know this

01:41:15.900 Like you've done it long enough

01:41:16.840 Where it's like

01:41:17.500 When you have a new hour

01:41:18.800 So I have a new hour

01:41:19.860 Coming out

01:41:20.480 Again July 18th

01:41:21.780 And then a whole new hour

01:41:22.940 In the fall

01:41:23.420 So every time you have

01:41:25.300 A new hour

01:41:25.860 It's so daunting

01:41:26.900 Where I'm like

01:41:27.800 Can I think of another

01:41:28.820 Hour like after this

01:41:31.080 Like I don't know

01:41:31.760 If this might be my last one

01:41:33.220 I don't know

01:41:34.360 You know what I mean?

01:41:36.280 Yeah

01:41:36.500 Like whenever you think

01:41:37.460 Of a new hour

01:41:38.060 It's so hard

01:41:39.580 To write like

01:41:40.200 A good hour

01:41:41.040 Oh yeah

01:41:41.600 I've had bits

01:41:42.120 Where I'm like

01:41:42.400 Oh this

01:41:42.680 I'll never have

01:41:43.400 Another good bit

01:41:43.980 This is the best bit

01:41:44.840 I'll ever have

01:41:45.280 Yeah I'm always like

01:41:46.040 I'm done

01:41:46.280 This is my favorite joke

01:41:47.260 And this is what I got

01:41:48.280 And that's it

01:41:49.060 Yeah totally

01:41:50.000 You know

01:41:50.720 But my new hour

01:41:52.700 Is fire dude

01:41:53.340 Yeah

01:41:53.720 It's fun as shit

01:41:54.560 What are some of the

01:41:55.340 Things you're discussing

01:41:56.060 Like is it about

01:41:57.160 A certain part of your life

01:41:58.280 Is it about

01:41:58.920 Growing up

01:42:00.260 Or is it just stories

01:42:01.000 Or what is it?

01:42:01.680 It's kind of like

01:42:02.620 All over the place

01:42:03.400 Like if you've seen my shows

01:42:04.800 Which people have

01:42:05.720 It's like

01:42:06.320 Storytelling

01:42:08.000 One liners

01:42:09.180 It's like kind of

01:42:09.800 All over the map

01:42:10.440 Like observational

01:42:11.360 Diarrhea stuff or no?

01:42:13.220 There's some

01:42:13.640 A couple day rays

01:42:15.020 A couple day rays

01:42:16.660 I make sure my fans know

01:42:19.260 You show up

01:42:20.460 You're gonna hear a deer ray

01:42:21.440 We're spraying it

01:42:22.520 On the walls homie

01:42:23.680 Yeah

01:42:24.040 Of course poopy

01:42:26.000 Well yeah

01:42:26.560 It's just crazy

01:42:27.100 How there's like

01:42:27.480 Vigilanteism now

01:42:28.480 It's like

01:42:28.960 You know

01:42:29.940 Yeah which is cool

01:42:31.020 But if it's warranted

01:42:32.580 You know what I mean

01:42:33.280 It's like

01:42:34.060 Yeah

01:42:34.700 Like what do you mean

01:42:35.600 Like people listening to Warrant?

01:42:37.360 Yeah like the band Warrant

01:42:38.440 He's my

01:42:39.440 Shirtball

01:42:40.700 Shirtball

01:42:41.760 But yeah

01:42:44.160 If it's warranted

01:42:44.880 Yeah of course

01:42:45.620 But I

01:42:47.280 You know

01:42:47.720 Remember the first time

01:42:48.600 Somebody ever touched

01:42:49.320 Your genitals or not?

01:42:52.200 Yeah

01:42:52.720 Vaguely

01:42:53.480 Where was it?

01:42:54.560 What count or whatever?

01:42:55.460 It was at my family reunion

01:42:56.660 Oh yeah

01:42:57.620 Yeah

01:42:58.040 That's why we pray

01:43:00.660 Yeah do we need

01:43:01.380 More fucking gay animals?

01:43:03.020 We need

01:43:03.740 And we gotta support

01:43:06.300 Our gay animals

01:43:07.100 That's the thing

01:43:07.880 We have to

01:43:09.740 You know

01:43:10.660 Giraffes

01:43:11.780 If you see a giraffe

01:43:13.560 Suck its dick

01:43:14.500 It's right there

01:43:16.600 It's hanging fruit

01:43:18.180 It's so big though

01:43:19.540 You know how big it's gonna be?

01:43:21.780 Yeah but why don't you

01:43:22.720 Just suck it up

01:43:24.100 Why don't you

01:43:24.840 Suck it up

01:43:26.020 Dude it'll rip your jaw open

01:43:27.440 If he fucking moves over the left

01:43:28.860 Or whatever

01:43:29.300 Yeah why don't you get a new jaw

01:43:31.220 Why don't you get jaw implants?

01:43:32.400 You're gonna have a

01:43:32.980 You're gonna be in a neck brace

01:43:34.380 Cause you try to blow some giraffe

01:43:36.060 Yeah then you have a great story

01:43:37.600 Yeah

01:43:38.020 And people are like

01:43:40.940 What happened to your jaw?

01:43:43.080 Turtle head

01:43:43.600 Giraffe dick

01:43:44.440 New special coming out

01:43:45.960 Or uh

01:43:46.700 Tour sorry

01:43:47.440 Toilet head

01:43:48.320 Sorry

01:43:48.580 Toilet head

01:43:49.820 Did you say toilet?

01:43:52.420 Toilet head

01:43:53.220 I said turtle head

01:43:54.260 Sorry man

01:43:55.140 I was in Vegas all weekend

01:43:56.260 My brain is

01:43:57.220 Rattled

01:43:57.980 He's fucking

01:43:58.580 His wig is off

01:43:59.800 My wig is off

01:44:02.200 July 18th

01:44:03.800 YouTube

01:44:04.360 Yeah

01:44:04.900 Big joke from face

01:44:05.760 Then toilet head this fall

01:44:07.140 Yeah

01:44:07.640 Game fucking on

01:44:09.520 And Sketch we love you dude

01:44:11.260 Hang in there

01:44:12.260 Um

01:44:13.740 Yeah I just can't believe that

01:44:16.320 This whole time he's been a

01:44:18.620 Texans fan

01:44:20.620 Yeah

01:44:21.980 Houston

01:44:23.480 It's just

01:44:24.740 We have a problem

01:44:25.480 Yeah

01:44:25.740 Yeah

01:44:26.480 Um

01:44:28.400 I embrace him

01:44:29.240 Nick Swarton

01:44:30.260 Thanks for hanging out dude

01:44:31.480 Love you dude

01:44:32.560 Sorry if I was a little bit

01:44:33.640 Subdued today man

01:44:34.640 That's okay

01:44:35.220 I'm fucking always subdued

01:44:36.960 Makes jokes from face

01:44:39.040 That comes out July 18th

01:44:41.040 On YouTube

01:44:41.720 Um

01:44:42.580 His tour

01:44:43.100 Toilet head

01:44:43.920 You can get out there now

01:44:45.340 And catch him

01:44:46.020 Um

01:44:46.940 Any more edibles on stage

01:44:48.220 Nick you're done

01:44:48.840 We don't know yet

01:44:49.920 Yeah

01:44:50.300 See how this plays out

01:44:51.560 Well I wish it was a night

01:44:57.460 When I could touch your body

01:45:00.320 She's my Gary Pie

01:45:03.440 Oh yeah

01:45:04.120 Yeah Gary Pie

01:45:05.120 Dude I love that

01:45:06.860 Um

01:45:07.240 Oh

01:45:08.360 We're halfway there

01:45:10.460 Oh

01:45:11.840 Spade has no hair

01:45:13.960 Yeah

01:45:14.460 Dude

01:45:16.780 Spade took me to his hair doctor

01:45:18.580 That guy's fucking

01:45:19.200 2000 years old dude

01:45:21.160 Oh yeah

01:45:21.780 Alright cool man

01:45:24.300 Alright praise you

01:45:24.900 Now I'm just floating on the breeze

01:45:27.460 And I feel I'm falling like these leaves

01:45:30.400 I must be cornerstone

01:45:33.740 Oh but when I reach that ground

01:45:38.280 I'll share this peace of mind

01:45:40.440 I found I can feel it

01:45:42.500 In my bones

01:45:44.620 But it's gonna take

01:45:47.100 A minute

01:45:49.200 So

01:45:51.420 Alright

01:45:54.320 I have a nice eyelid

01:45:54.960 I can feel it

01:45:56.000 I'm trying toối

01:45:58.900 I can feel it

01:46:00.220 I can feel it

01:46:01.540 I-I slowing down

01:46:03.220 In my life

01:46:03.360 I-Iinizi

01:46:04.500 I'm like

01:46:06.880 Hell

01:46:07.400 Slow

01:46:08.160 Slow

01:46:08.900 Slow

01:46:08.980 Slow

01:46:10.400 Slow

01:46:11.060 Slow

01:46:11.980 Slow

01:46:12.360 Slow

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This Past Weekend with Theo Von - July 10, 2024

E515 Nick Swardson

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