This Past Weekend with Theo Von - E530 Bobby Lee

00:00:00.000 We hope you're enjoying your Air Canada flight.

00:00:02.320 Rocky's Vacation, here we come.

00:00:05.060 Whoa, is this economy?

00:00:07.180 Free beer, wine, and snacks.

00:00:09.620 Sweet! 0.95

00:00:10.720 Fast-free Wi-Fi means I can make dinner reservations before we land.

00:00:14.760 And with live TV, I'm not missing the game.

00:00:17.800 It's kind of like, I'm already on vacation.

00:00:20.980 Nice! 0.94

00:00:22.240 On behalf of Air Canada, nice travels.

00:00:25.260 Wi-Fi available to Airplane members on Equipped Flight.

00:00:27.340 Sponsored by Bell. Conditions apply.

00:00:28.580 See AirCanada.com.

00:00:30.000 We have some new, new tour dates to announce.

00:00:33.400 Bloomington, Indiana.

00:00:35.320 On November 13th, the Indiana University Auditorium.

00:00:40.100 Columbus, Ohio.

00:00:41.220 November 14th at the Schottenstein Center.

00:00:45.760 Champaign, Illinois.

00:00:48.160 Up there, November 15th at the State Farm Center.

00:00:51.160 And Grand Rapids, Michigan on November 16th at the Van Andel Arena.

00:00:57.840 We also have shows in Bend, Oregon.

00:01:00.940 Spokane, Portland, Oregon.

00:01:04.460 Vancouver in the Canada.

00:01:06.940 Oklahoma City, North Little Rock.

00:01:09.260 Springfield and Kansas City.

00:01:11.900 Missouri.

00:01:13.120 Sioux Falls.

00:01:14.040 South Dakota, La Crosse.

00:01:15.640 South Dakota, La Crosse.

00:01:16.520 Green Bay.

00:01:17.740 Moline.

00:01:18.820 Colorado Springs.

00:01:20.320 Casper.

00:01:21.360 Billings.

00:01:22.340 Missoula.

00:01:23.640 Lafayette.

00:01:24.520 And Beaumont.

00:01:25.680 Texas.

00:01:26.600 Get all your tickets at theovon.com.

00:01:29.000 Slash T-O-U-R. 1.00

00:01:32.120 Make sure to buy through that link so you aren't visiting a secondary site.

00:01:36.420 And thank you so much for all of your love and support.

00:01:39.660 Looking forward to seeing you there.

00:01:41.700 We've got new merch.

00:01:43.340 Check out the new Return of the Rat tie-dye tees in green and purple.

00:01:47.840 We also have the Be Good to Yourself collection.

00:01:50.520 Gang Gang hoodies and much more, baby.

00:01:53.340 I'm upstairs at theovonstore.com.

00:01:59.500 Today's guest is a comedian.

00:02:02.020 He's an actor.

00:02:03.560 He's my friend.

00:02:05.080 And you know him from Tiger Belly and Bad Friends and from all of his entertainment contributions

00:02:12.360 over the past 20 years.

00:02:15.040 Very fortunate to hang out today with Mr. Bobby Lee.

00:02:19.400 Shine that light on me.

00:02:23.340 I'll sit and tell you my stories.

00:02:30.520 Shine on me.

00:02:35.120 And I will find a song I've been singing just before.

00:02:46.500 Take my Crocs off.

00:02:50.860 You look like my...

00:02:52.440 Enough.

00:02:53.340 Don't start.

00:02:54.300 Don't start with that.

00:02:56.080 You don't open like that.

00:02:57.240 Okay.

00:02:58.960 What you look like...

00:02:59.640 What you said to those girls I was with last night?

00:03:04.440 What?

00:03:06.540 That's what you're going to do?

00:03:07.780 Like what you did to those girls last night I was with?

00:03:09.540 That girls... 1.00

00:03:10.100 They seemed like nice girls.

00:03:11.600 Yeah.

00:03:11.680 I was going to say you look like my science teacher, Mrs. Hayes.

00:03:17.340 Dude.

00:03:17.840 And she was a Creole... 1.00

00:03:18.600 Dude, I'm tired of you right now, dude.

00:03:20.280 No, I'm serious.

00:03:21.000 Your attitude right now.

00:03:22.580 What?

00:03:23.020 We just got in here.

00:03:23.940 She's a Creole woman. 1.00

00:03:24.840 She's a Creole woman. 1.00

00:03:26.520 Oh, okay.

00:03:27.280 So there's some brown in her. 0.85

00:03:28.980 Yeah.

00:03:29.480 Yeah.

00:03:29.640 Like there's a lot of mixing that...

00:03:32.140 If I'm with a girl...

00:03:33.320 Yeah.

00:03:34.400 At the comic store and you walk up and you say something like, hey, you like hang out with

00:03:40.400 a boiled egg?

00:03:42.380 And then you walk away giggling?

00:03:44.660 It don't make me look good.

00:03:46.860 It don't make me look fine.

00:03:48.720 And it hurt my feelings.

00:03:50.640 You know what I mean?

00:03:50.920 It's like, that's not a layup.

00:03:52.460 You know what I mean?

00:03:52.800 That's like, you go up there and you go, pop, pop, pop, pop, right?

00:03:55.440 And then you just walk away.

00:03:56.940 Nothing.

00:03:57.860 I get nothing from you.

00:03:59.400 Right?

00:04:00.380 Yeah.

00:04:00.920 But you know what, dude?

00:04:02.020 She laughed.

00:04:03.620 And that's good.

00:04:05.020 Well, I didn't mean it.

00:04:05.900 I wasn't trying to like throw you under the rickshaw or whatever.

00:04:09.040 I was just trying...

00:04:09.860 I was like...

00:04:10.580 I thought a boiled egg was like important in y'all's community or whatever.

00:04:13.560 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:04:13.660 I mean, a boiled egg is important in many communities.

00:04:17.020 The Irish do it. 0.99

00:04:18.440 Oh, yeah.

00:04:18.820 Right?

00:04:19.200 Probably Africa. 0.99

00:04:20.060 They do probably have ostriches. 1.00

00:04:22.240 Yeah, a potato is just a fucking gay boiled egg. 1.00

00:04:25.320 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

00:04:26.380 That's all it is.

00:04:26.960 A potato?

00:04:27.300 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:04:27.580 That's true.

00:04:28.240 It's like, come on.

00:04:29.580 Another thing is...

00:04:30.780 She was cute. 0.89

00:04:32.480 Thank you.

00:04:33.200 Is it a girl you're dating?

00:04:34.280 No, it's just somebody I was trying to hit on.

00:04:37.360 Yeah.

00:04:38.100 And I lost the momentum.

00:04:40.380 And she'll probably never see me again because of the boiled egg comment.

00:04:43.520 That's not true.

00:04:44.480 Yeah, yeah, 100% true.

00:04:46.080 And you seem to do that a lot.

00:04:47.840 Do I really?

00:04:48.560 No.

00:04:49.220 My bad, man.

00:04:49.700 That was the one time...

00:04:50.600 You know, but here's another thing.

00:04:52.520 I have some problems I have with you.

00:04:55.220 So I just...

00:04:55.720 I'm not going to write it down, but I'm going to show you this.

00:04:58.860 You got a JPEG of it?

00:05:00.320 No, no.

00:05:00.760 It's a text that you gave me.

00:05:02.120 Oh, so secondly, do you think that I should... 0.99

00:05:06.040 Do you think I kinetically know where the fuck this place is? 0.99

00:05:09.860 Yeah. 0.99

00:05:10.280 I was supposed to tell you.

00:05:12.080 I mean, right?

00:05:13.380 I'm in the car driving like, I don't know where this place is.

00:05:15.900 All right?

00:05:17.140 And number three, this.

00:05:18.440 Okay?

00:05:18.800 So a couple...

00:05:20.220 Maybe two weeks ago...

00:05:21.820 Well, last week you go, bro, I need podcast guests next week.

00:05:25.660 Can you help me?

00:05:26.840 Which I'm your friend, dude.

00:05:28.080 Right?

00:05:28.580 Thank you.

00:05:29.460 But then you also say...

00:05:31.180 Also, I don't know if you've heard, but I'm bi.

00:05:34.360 Yeah.

00:05:35.340 And then I didn't know how to take that.

00:05:38.080 So I just said, I'm down.

00:05:40.320 Right?

00:05:40.940 I said, I'm down, right?

00:05:42.420 And we kind of moved on from it, right?

00:05:44.360 That doesn't concern you because apparently you were joking here.

00:05:47.740 Well, when you said I'm down, I'm like, is he showing up to podcast?

00:05:51.180 Oh, I see.

00:05:52.240 Is he showing up to podcast? 1.00

00:05:54.880 For me to fuck. 1.00

00:05:55.980 Yeah, I should have said, I will do your podcast. 1.00

00:05:58.340 But even if you thought that, you would go, no, dude, I was just kidding.

00:06:01.840 Yeah.

00:06:02.220 But you never did that.

00:06:03.120 I didn't get time.

00:06:03.860 You threw it out there as a truth, right?

00:06:07.420 And then I don't know what to think.

00:06:09.200 If you're bi, dude, I'm good with it. 0.99

00:06:11.780 If I was bi, I would know, I think, you know?

00:06:16.060 I know.

00:06:16.500 You know what I'm saying?

00:06:16.800 I know.

00:06:17.260 You would have an inkling or something.

00:06:18.460 Yeah. 0.97

00:06:18.760 Like your ears would ring when you got around a gay dude or something, you know? 1.00

00:06:21.920 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.96

00:06:22.540 I think, um, but yeah, I didn't know if you were coming to pod or coming to let me poke

00:06:26.340 that yoke, homie. 0.99

00:06:27.480 You know what I'm saying, bro?

00:06:28.340 Yeah.

00:06:28.740 I think that we've known each other for so long.

00:06:30.780 I don't think that we would ever poke, even if we had, even if there was sexual attraction.

00:06:35.540 Oh, yeah, we would have.

00:06:36.800 No, no, there's no way.

00:06:38.040 Bro.

00:06:38.480 No, bro.

00:06:39.380 What?

00:06:39.860 Yeah.

00:06:40.420 You know.

00:06:41.340 You are definitely, you are, yeah.

00:06:42.840 So if we both had sexual attraction with each other.

00:06:46.780 Or to men.

00:06:48.220 Yeah, to men.

00:06:49.100 I don't think that you would find me attractive.

00:06:50.960 Yeah, I would, brother.

00:06:52.080 Really?

00:06:52.640 A hundred percent, man.

00:06:53.220 Okay, dude.

00:06:54.180 And I mean that, dude.

00:06:55.180 And I want to say to you.

00:06:56.620 I promise I would take you out.

00:06:57.640 I want to say to you, ditto.

00:06:59.360 Nice.

00:06:59.620 But thank God we don't.

00:07:01.940 Yeah, thank God.

00:07:03.000 It's like, but if something happened, right?

00:07:06.480 Say something happened to all the women.

00:07:07.960 There was like a big sinkhole and all the women were there. 1.00

00:07:11.080 And all the women disappeared, right? 0.98

00:07:13.180 Or there was a big sail.

00:07:14.480 And then under the sail, there was a sinkhole.

00:07:17.160 So all the women. 1.00

00:07:17.700 Like they're on a ship?

00:07:18.300 Huh?

00:07:19.020 No, like a big like clothing sail or jewelry sail.

00:07:21.340 I thought you were like Noah's Ark.

00:07:22.880 Oh, no.

00:07:23.440 You know what I mean?

00:07:23.900 They're all just on a gigantic ship with a sail.

00:07:26.640 Two of every.

00:07:27.460 Yeah.

00:07:27.700 Yeah.

00:07:29.480 You get a pair of redheads. 1.00

00:07:31.320 Right.

00:07:31.540 A pair of ching chongs. 1.00

00:07:32.840 Yeah.

00:07:33.200 Hold on.

00:07:33.820 What?

00:07:34.360 We don't use that type of language on the ship.

00:07:36.240 Okay.

00:07:36.500 Well, Chinese then. 0.95

00:07:37.540 Okay.

00:07:38.020 Yeah.

00:07:38.180 Yeah.

00:07:38.440 That's fair.

00:07:39.140 Yeah.

00:07:39.440 Yeah.

00:07:39.600 Or chops.

00:07:40.500 We call them.

00:07:41.080 Oh, yeah.

00:07:43.720 Yeah, yeah.

00:07:44.980 And also another thing I want to say, because I have a lot of gripes.

00:07:48.740 But we would have a date though, dude.

00:07:49.980 Bobby, if we look at that.

00:07:52.780 Yeah, but those are just friends hanging out.

00:07:54.400 Is that?

00:07:55.140 I mean, one of his is hanging out. 0.99

00:07:56.080 Santino just keeps fucking FaceTiming. 0.98

00:07:57.780 I just got to pick it up. 0.99

00:07:59.480 What's up, man?

00:08:03.620 Yeah, you pitching?

00:08:04.440 You pitching the Cubs?

00:08:06.680 You throwing the pick?

00:08:08.020 Did you throw it?

00:08:08.920 I threw it the first bit. 1.00

00:08:11.380 Oh, fuck yeah, man. 1.00

00:08:12.580 Congratulations, man. 1.00

00:08:13.260 Let's go.

00:08:13.560 Let's go.

00:08:13.580 Dude, congratulations.

00:08:15.140 Yeah, yeah.

00:08:16.580 All right.

00:08:17.140 I'll see you later, dude.

00:08:18.060 Okay?

00:08:18.740 Congratulations.

00:08:19.920 Why would you text me for that?

00:08:21.480 Yeah.

00:08:21.680 Or call me for that?

00:08:22.560 But at least he cares, though. 1.00

00:08:23.480 It's so dumb, dude. 0.99

00:08:24.260 You think? 1.00

00:08:25.040 He grew up a Cubs fan, though.

00:08:27.120 I know. 1.00

00:08:28.240 It's just like you fucking FaceTiming me. 0.99

00:08:30.760 Oh, I threw a ball at, you know what I mean? 0.99

00:08:32.880 Yeah.

00:08:33.740 Andre Agassi.

00:08:34.780 Yeah.

00:08:35.440 Yeah, I threw a plum to a handicapped guy or something. 1.00

00:08:37.740 Anyway, let's go back to fucking. 1.00

00:08:38.760 Let's go back to fucking. 1.00

00:08:39.480 Here it is. 1.00

00:08:40.100 Wow.

00:08:40.540 Wow.

00:08:40.940 They have it on the thing.

00:08:44.940 Oh, he doesn't even get a really human being.

00:08:46.380 He gets a bear. 1.00

00:08:46.980 Oh, damn. 1.00

00:08:47.680 That's so sad. 1.00

00:08:48.400 Look.

00:08:49.160 He hugs the bear.

00:08:50.880 Oh, for comedy.

00:08:52.220 He does it for comedy.

00:08:53.500 Oh, it's so cool, bro.

00:08:55.440 I'm so proud of him.

00:08:56.380 Have you ever thrown one out?

00:08:58.340 Yes.

00:08:58.660 I don't think I've ever thrown a baseball in my life.

00:09:00.680 Really?

00:09:01.200 Yeah.

00:09:01.680 I've seen them in museums.

00:09:03.100 What about throwing like a hot bow or something?

00:09:05.240 Bow bun.

00:09:06.040 I've done that.

00:09:06.720 Yeah.

00:09:07.000 Many times.

00:09:07.640 Yeah.

00:09:08.160 Grandma, check catch. 1.00

00:09:10.220 You know what I mean?

00:09:11.280 Whatever.

00:09:11.740 Whatever the language is.

00:09:13.000 But my last gripe is this.

00:09:14.460 And then we can talk normally.

00:09:15.740 All right.

00:09:17.160 Yeah, I'm sorry about that, man.

00:09:18.700 About what?

00:09:19.860 Whatever the first gripe was.

00:09:22.220 Okay.

00:09:25.380 You don't remember?

00:09:26.160 Honestly, you don't remember?

00:09:27.100 I had a couple gripes.

00:09:27.900 Yes, but you didn't want to date with me.

00:09:29.760 Okay, that's good.

00:09:30.740 So here's another thing.

00:09:31.780 I don't know what happened to you.

00:09:34.880 And congratulations, by the way.

00:09:41.780 For what?

00:09:42.300 For being white? 0.57

00:09:44.460 I don't know.

00:09:45.020 It's messed up, dude.

00:09:45.720 I don't know.

00:09:46.780 Miss Hayes.

00:09:47.660 The congratulations for being so white. 0.98

00:09:49.300 No, but your success and stuff.

00:09:50.840 But something happened where, you know, a lot of times you and I share the same people,

00:09:58.000 fans, right?

00:09:59.200 But you've tapped into a fan base that doesn't like me that much.

00:10:02.620 No way.

00:10:03.000 And I'll tell you who they are. 0.98

00:10:05.100 Supermodel gypsies. 1.00

00:10:06.700 Really?

00:10:07.260 They have Hannah tattoos on their necks, right?

00:10:09.700 They look at me like, at the store last night, they were like, giving me like, you know what

00:10:15.280 I mean?

00:10:15.620 They wanted to say Ching Chong.

00:10:17.140 Oh.

00:10:17.620 Yeah, yeah.

00:10:18.240 And guess what, dude?

00:10:19.140 You know what I want to tell them?

00:10:21.020 If Theo is the Beatles, I'm definitely Yoko Ono.

00:10:26.620 Yeah.

00:10:27.340 Right?

00:10:27.600 I'm a part of the, you know what I mean?

00:10:29.480 Like, I'm a part of the ecosystem of the Beatles or whatever.

00:10:34.080 Right?

00:10:34.480 But they looked at Yoko and went, eh.

00:10:36.440 Like, what do you, are you a part of it?

00:10:39.240 You're just a fan.

00:10:41.080 Right?

00:10:41.420 I'm like, we call, we're friends, you know what I mean?

00:10:43.400 You're at least Chingo Star. 1.00

00:10:44.720 Yeah.

00:10:45.560 Chingo Star, dude.

00:10:46.720 Right?

00:10:47.040 Come on.

00:10:47.660 Yeah.

00:10:49.040 I'm sorry, man.

00:10:50.380 Really, I feel like everywhere I go, everybody wants to ask me about you.

00:10:53.600 It could be anybody, construction workers, people inside of a building.

00:10:57.620 It could be somebody that's a businessman, a woman at a counter.

00:11:01.280 Everywhere I go, hospitals, people are like, oh, tell me.

00:11:05.820 Wait, wait, wait, stop.

00:11:07.720 Wait, wait, I don't get, so what?

00:11:09.640 People say.

00:11:10.040 No, no, no, no, stop, stop.

00:11:11.780 At hospitals, you're saying, so the construction workers, the nurses, the hospitals, are they

00:11:18.420 all Asian because I just, you just made a voice.

00:11:20.540 No, they're fans of yours.

00:11:21.720 I know, I understand that, but are they all Asian fans or just are they whites too?

00:11:25.880 Because when you did the accent, it wasn't clear.

00:11:28.140 Oh, I'm just, yeah, I think they're Asian.

00:11:29.440 Oh, tell me how you, tell me, tell me.

00:11:32.620 This is what you did.

00:11:33.460 Tell me about what you know about the Bobby Lee.

00:11:36.600 Is that what you want to say?

00:11:38.120 Did you not go into an accent though?

00:11:39.920 Did I?

00:11:41.500 Maybe you didn't.

00:11:42.420 Do it again.

00:11:43.800 A lot of them.

00:11:44.760 Do it again.

00:11:45.520 Okay.

00:11:46.200 A lot of them will be like.

00:11:47.400 I'm Theo.

00:11:48.000 Okay.

00:11:48.420 I'm walking.

00:11:49.180 Hey, man.

00:11:50.020 Hey, man.

00:11:50.700 Hey, are you Theo?

00:11:52.460 Hey.

00:11:53.160 Oh, you said no accent.

00:11:54.740 Tell me about Bobby Lee.

00:11:56.900 The Mexicans. 0.98

00:11:57.720 Yeah. 1.00

00:11:58.300 Fuck yeah. 1.00

00:11:58.660 Tell me about Bobby Lee. 1.00

00:12:02.200 Tell me about Roberto Leo.

00:12:04.840 So how did you tap into this new fan base?

00:12:07.480 I don't know who they are.

00:12:08.200 You're talking women with Hannah tattoos? 1.00

00:12:10.800 I didn't see them.

00:12:11.620 First of all, they sound like witches.

00:12:13.240 Okay.

00:12:13.660 So I don't even believe in them. 1.00

00:12:15.720 They sound white as fuck, dude. 1.00

00:12:17.880 Also. 1.00

00:12:18.540 You're probably going to be fine.

00:12:19.740 They sound white, bro.

00:12:21.060 I don't know, man.

00:12:21.760 But do you want to?

00:12:22.880 I'm concerned.

00:12:23.420 Your fans are all over Bobby.

00:12:25.980 All over what?

00:12:27.180 Everything.

00:12:28.800 Every time I meet somebody, they're like, tell me about him.

00:12:31.720 Where can we get him?

00:12:33.060 Oh, like I'm a, like a porg.

00:12:36.520 No, like you're one of those.

00:12:37.580 You know what a porg is? 0.68

00:12:38.520 Uh-uh.

00:12:39.420 Okay.

00:12:40.080 You're like one of those little head dolls that comes in that box, what are those things called?

00:12:44.020 Bobbleheads. 0.94

00:12:44.620 No, it's.

00:12:45.580 Porg.

00:12:47.200 Funko Pop?

00:12:47.880 Yeah, Funko Pop.

00:12:48.760 Oh, Funko Pop.

00:12:49.500 Yeah.

00:12:49.840 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:12:50.360 I'm like a Funko Pop.

00:12:51.860 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:12:52.960 So they ask as if I'm something that you could buy.

00:12:57.200 Yeah, or they just.

00:12:58.120 Well, you could.

00:12:58.600 If you mass produce me, then you can make money.

00:13:01.240 Oh, my God.

00:13:01.760 If you had a cloning technology.

00:13:03.140 Bro, if we had here.

00:13:03.980 Put one of your hands up right now.

00:13:05.100 Like that little cat that's for magic at the Korean salon or whatever you're talking about.

00:13:09.400 I know what the cat is.

00:13:10.260 I know.

00:13:10.560 The good luck one.

00:13:11.760 Yeah.

00:13:12.100 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:13:12.600 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:13:13.340 The good luck cat.

00:13:14.920 Oh, yeah.

00:13:15.360 So that.

00:13:16.140 Yeah, that's kind of it.

00:13:16.740 That's cool.

00:13:17.760 All right.

00:13:18.080 Well, I mean.

00:13:18.700 But no, man.

00:13:19.280 Yeah.

00:13:19.660 If somebody was rude to you, man.

00:13:20.860 I'm sorry, dude.

00:13:21.400 It's rude.

00:13:21.860 It's just like they don't know who I am.

00:13:23.800 That's not true, Bobby. 0.92

00:13:24.920 No, those henna tattooed, you know, gypsy witches that like you now. 1.00

00:13:30.120 They're all beautiful, by the way.

00:13:31.460 I didn't.

00:13:31.860 I don't know them.

00:13:33.740 You do.

00:13:35.340 What's that?

00:13:35.800 You're talking about Kat Von D, dude?

00:13:37.260 No, I love her.

00:13:39.140 Bro.

00:13:39.760 She's the best.

00:13:40.660 Yeah.

00:13:40.860 I've worked with her before.

00:13:41.760 You have?

00:13:42.640 A long, long time ago.

00:13:43.760 Yeah.

00:13:44.080 She's very.

00:13:44.740 She's very, very, very white. 0.96

00:13:46.360 It's like she's like a creature that's like half like a.

00:13:50.080 She's almost like something that happens at midnight for 40 minutes, you know?

00:13:54.480 Like she's very like effervescent.

00:13:56.440 You know what I'm talking about?

00:13:57.600 What do you mean?

00:13:57.980 At midnight for 40 minutes, what happens?

00:14:00.980 Like it's like a.

00:14:04.480 Dry.

00:14:05.180 Yeah. 0.99

00:14:05.580 The vagina opens. 1.00

00:14:06.680 Oh, no. 1.00

00:14:07.040 Like a.

00:14:07.320 No, no, no, no.

00:14:07.980 She's married.

00:14:08.720 Like a mirage or whatever. 1.00

00:14:10.220 Yeah, but that's also vagina opening. 1.00

00:14:11.920 Oh. 0.99

00:14:12.380 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:14:12.820 Well, apparently.

00:14:14.240 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:14:15.120 Yeah. 1.00

00:14:15.480 If you have to do this with a girl, do you think the vagina's too big or no? 1.00

00:14:18.260 Yeah, you've been in some coochie tunnels, I'll say that. 1.00

00:14:21.200 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:14:21.760 You've been underground in Vietnam.

00:14:23.140 Yeah, what kind do you like?

00:14:24.000 Do you like the ones that stick out or you like tucked?

00:14:26.220 I kind of like the ones like that look like they have a little bit of lip liner on them.

00:14:30.520 Right.

00:14:31.420 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:14:32.320 I like the combination of both.

00:14:34.680 Oh.

00:14:35.100 When one lip is sticking out and one's tucked in, right?

00:14:37.780 Like one of them, it's like the bon me. 0.95

00:14:40.180 I don't like if there's too much bon, you know? 0.98

00:14:42.800 What do you mean bon?

00:14:43.480 If it's a bon me kind of vibe.

00:14:44.880 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:14:45.480 If there's too much bon.

00:14:46.360 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:14:48.820 And do you, I mean, I don't know.

00:14:51.100 When's the last time you hooked up with a girl? 0.98

00:14:53.580 Oh, this is too personal?

00:14:54.760 You don't want to talk about it?

00:14:55.660 No, I'll talk about it.

00:14:56.120 Let me think.

00:14:57.040 It's probably been.

00:14:58.500 What we don't know is I think that you are very picky.

00:15:04.580 I have to get this off my chest, man.

00:15:06.860 I told you about this last night.

00:15:09.280 What did you tell me?

00:15:10.180 But I've been dating this person.

00:15:13.220 And every time we, and rarely do we do this, make beautiful love.

00:15:19.740 Oh, God.

00:15:20.360 Yeah, the sacred rituals of love.

00:15:23.880 She goes, yeah, when I was, you know, eight years ago, yeah, I hooked up with Theo.

00:15:28.920 Nuh-uh.

00:15:29.460 Yeah.

00:15:29.960 But she says it every time we're naked.

00:15:33.460 And it hurts me.

00:15:35.220 That's all.

00:15:36.400 And I want to share that with you. 1.00

00:15:37.700 Fuck, dude. 1.00

00:15:40.660 That's crazy, I think. 1.00

00:15:42.160 I don't believe her.

00:15:43.620 Oh, so you don't believe that you did hook up with her?

00:15:45.540 No.

00:15:46.500 I don't believe her at all.

00:15:47.200 You know what?

00:15:47.520 I don't believe her either.

00:15:48.520 Because I know that you are very picky.

00:15:50.920 Yeah.

00:15:51.240 And you take your time.

00:15:52.400 Yeah.

00:15:52.780 Yeah.

00:15:53.560 El tiempo, they call me.

00:15:55.360 Yeah.

00:15:56.080 And you do long strokes.

00:15:58.420 Yeah.

00:15:59.380 I do strokes.

00:16:00.300 I say it's long, even though it isn't.

00:16:02.240 I'd be like, oh, that's long.

00:16:03.520 Yeah, yeah.

00:16:04.380 But you know what I mean by long strokes?

00:16:07.180 Uh-uh.

00:16:08.680 I mean, I'm thinking you're assuming sexual.

00:16:11.820 Well, you know, here's what I don't like. 0.99

00:16:14.700 People that are like fat. 0.67

00:16:15.440 You don't talk about somebody with aorta issues or whatever, huh? 0.51

00:16:18.080 Yeah, sometimes.

00:16:18.720 Yeah?

00:16:19.020 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:16:19.400 Like, somebody just like stroking for distance.

00:16:23.640 He strokes for a quarter mile.

00:16:25.180 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:16:26.240 It's sort of like, you know, when in the Olympics, they do the breast stroke.

00:16:31.200 But if you slowed it down and they, you know what I mean?

00:16:35.480 You do those.

00:16:36.360 You don't do those?

00:16:37.040 Yeah.

00:16:37.620 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:16:39.100 Yeah, I do some of that.

00:16:40.040 Yeah, I do long, right?

00:16:43.020 And I take a nap.

00:16:44.680 And then I do short.

00:16:46.200 Oh, yeah.

00:16:46.680 And then I rest.

00:16:47.540 Do you take breaks?

00:16:48.780 You're almost like a stanza of music, kind of.

00:16:52.060 With like a half note, quarter note.

00:16:57.100 Oh, you know what you're doing here?

00:16:57.940 Whole rest.

00:16:58.460 You know when you do this? 1.00

00:16:59.480 That's Asian vagina. 1.00

00:17:00.540 It is? 1.00

00:17:00.960 Yeah.

00:17:01.620 It's lenty.

00:17:02.640 Is it really?

00:17:03.260 That's a lie, huh?

00:17:04.000 No, it's a lie.

00:17:05.140 It's all folklore.

00:17:06.080 Is it?

00:17:06.460 It's regular like everyone else.

00:17:08.240 For years, I, you know.

00:17:10.500 I remember I almost made love to a Korean woman one time years ago.

00:17:13.520 And this was in Idaho.

00:17:14.420 And her legs kind of didn't separate. 0.92

00:17:16.940 It was almost like, do you ever get really strong chopsticks or whatever, and you can't

00:17:19.240 open them or whatever?

00:17:20.960 Wait, wait, wait.

00:17:21.540 It was just like that, bro.

00:17:22.680 I swear to God.

00:17:23.340 And no offense to that lady. 1.00

00:17:24.340 Maybe it was a mermaid. 1.00

00:17:25.280 Huh?

00:17:26.980 Right?

00:17:28.580 Was it a mermaid? 0.86

00:17:29.540 I don't know.

00:17:30.280 Yeah.

00:17:30.880 I don't know.

00:17:31.340 Are there Korean Asian mermaids? 0.62

00:17:33.480 There have to be, huh?

00:17:34.380 Bring that up.

00:17:35.400 Bring up an Asian mermaid or something beached Asians or whatever. 1.00

00:17:39.020 Because if there were, they'd probably eat their own because they love sushi.

00:17:43.840 Oh.

00:17:44.580 Oh, here we go.

00:17:46.620 Wow.

00:17:47.680 Yeah, there are.

00:17:48.300 And I'm the buy one.

00:17:50.720 Dude.

00:17:51.240 Yeah, yeah.

00:17:51.500 This dude will swim through West Hollywood, brother.

00:17:53.740 I was in Hawaii that day.

00:17:55.340 Uh-huh.

00:17:55.900 And I saw that at a store.

00:17:57.740 And I bought it immediately.

00:17:59.100 And I ran to the beach.

00:18:00.220 I go, take this photo.

00:18:02.020 Dude, would you?

00:18:02.740 Dude, I'm telling you right now.

00:18:06.720 Oh.

00:18:07.240 Little Mermaid.

00:18:07.980 Oh, Little Mermaid would be better. 0.98

00:18:09.860 Oh.

00:18:10.740 With me in it, no?

00:18:12.520 Yeah.

00:18:13.120 It wouldn't be Little Mermaid.

00:18:14.140 It'd be Fat Mermaid. 1.00

00:18:15.060 But they'd have like,

00:18:16.180 Up where they walk.

00:18:18.020 Up where they run.

00:18:20.200 Up where they play all day in the zoo.

00:18:25.040 The music would change.

00:18:26.140 Wondering tree.

00:18:28.300 Yeah, yeah.

00:18:29.000 We like to be.

00:18:30.360 Yeah.

00:18:31.200 Part of that world.

00:18:33.960 Yeah.

00:18:35.340 Bobby Lee, man.

00:18:36.140 Good to see you, dude.

00:18:36.540 Good to see you, man.

00:18:37.500 Oh, those are my gripes.

00:18:38.620 We're good.

00:18:40.020 Appreciate it.

00:18:40.540 You know, you've been going on the road.

00:18:42.960 My friend, my boy, Amir K.

00:18:44.760 Yeah, he's wonderful.

00:18:45.600 He's a wonderful man, dude.

00:18:47.000 Very funny.

00:18:48.000 Like, we're going fishing next week up in Oregon, actually.

00:18:50.260 Yeah, he loves fishing.

00:18:51.220 He's good at it.

00:18:51.800 Yeah, and you're doing shows up there?

00:18:53.300 Mm-hmm.

00:18:53.620 Yeah.

00:18:54.140 He's a good dude.

00:18:55.020 But you don't tour as much.

00:18:56.460 People want to see you in more places, but you don't like leaving home as much.

00:18:59.100 Is that true?

00:18:59.840 Yeah, that's...

00:19:00.620 Okay.

00:19:01.000 I don't go out at all.

00:19:02.820 In fact, like, I'm going up to Vancouver on the 12th, and I'm doing it with Segura.

00:19:09.020 And Segura's like, well, can you do the day before and then the day after, too?

00:19:13.120 Because I'm playing Eugene in some place in Colorado.

00:19:17.040 And I just do Vancouver.

00:19:19.800 You know what I mean?

00:19:20.080 Because I just...

00:19:21.080 You don't like being away from home?

00:19:26.200 Well, I mean...

00:19:27.860 Just truth of the matter is, is that I like doing stand-up in spurts.

00:19:34.560 Yeah.

00:19:35.340 And I'm not addicted to...

00:19:36.800 Like, I see, like, Santino and all these guys, they're all addicted to the, you know,

00:19:43.280 their dopium hits.

00:19:44.680 Not dopium.

00:19:46.020 Wait.

00:19:46.660 Dopamine.

00:19:47.260 Dopamine.

00:19:47.700 Dopamine hits, yeah.

00:19:48.340 Dopamine hits, right?

00:19:49.460 Doing shows.

00:19:50.580 And it's like, I've just never been addicted to that dopamine hit.

00:19:54.820 Yeah.

00:19:55.380 You know, I love being at home.

00:19:58.920 Yeah.

00:19:59.260 Yeah.

00:19:59.600 And I don't know how you do it, because every time I'm online, I see you, you're in Australia

00:20:05.480 or wherever, whatever, and you're killing it.

00:20:07.860 And it's like, I'm happy for you.

00:20:09.200 But I just never had that addiction to it, you know?

00:20:12.700 I think because of the fact that, like, early on, I had just so much trauma from it.

00:20:18.800 From being on stage?

00:20:19.880 Yeah.

00:20:20.780 Like, one time I was at, it's a casino gig in New Jersey.

00:20:25.360 I forgot what it was called.

00:20:27.220 And it's a casino gig that everyone played.

00:20:30.180 Montenegro?

00:20:30.940 I don't know.

00:20:31.500 I don't know what it was, but it was like, and I remember they had this red curtain behind

00:20:37.800 the stage.

00:20:38.860 And I remember one show, I bombed so hard.

00:20:41.800 Because this is before, I think now, you know, because I have fans that get me, you know

00:20:47.360 I mean, and, but before, when I was just on MADtv and stuff, like my fans, they, I mean,

00:20:52.880 they were just, they knew me from sketch.

00:20:54.860 And so they wanted to see me do, you know what I mean, my catchphrases.

00:20:59.540 Yeah.

00:20:59.720 Like, you know, sometimes I do, or, uh-oh, hot dog, or whatever, right?

00:21:05.220 Like, home alone or whatever.

00:21:08.760 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:21:09.340 You know what I'm talking about?

00:21:10.120 Why don't they have an Asian home alone? 1.00

00:21:11.780 Why don't y'all make a home alone?

00:21:13.300 Right.

00:21:14.340 Well, the home is made out of rice paper, aren't they?

00:21:17.820 Yeah, sure.

00:21:18.460 Yeah, yeah.

00:21:19.040 And it's like, yeah, and they could get in quickly.

00:21:21.600 Yeah.

00:21:21.960 The burglars, right?

00:21:23.260 They could just run through like the Hulk, right?

00:21:25.380 So maybe that's why.

00:21:26.540 I think it'd be a 10-minute movie then.

00:21:28.100 Yeah, yeah.

00:21:28.440 Yeah, man.

00:21:28.860 Get me!

00:21:29.560 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:21:30.520 I'm home alone.

00:21:31.540 I'm dying.

00:21:32.560 Or whatever.

00:21:33.820 That's very good, clever, dude.

00:21:35.100 You got, well, I think different cultures should all have their own films.

00:21:38.000 Okay, let's talk about it.

00:21:39.840 So I think that they should be, there should be a castaway, right?

00:21:44.640 But all, an Asian guy, right? 0.98

00:21:46.460 But instead of him talking to the volleyball, what'd they call him?

00:21:52.720 Wilson.

00:21:53.380 Wilson, right?

00:21:54.240 But instead of that, he makes a volleyball factory, right?

00:21:59.740 And he's a sweatshop.

00:22:00.700 He makes monkeys and stuff work, you know what I mean?

00:22:02.420 Yeah.

00:22:02.860 Right?

00:22:03.180 So you do little twists like that.

00:22:04.800 Yeah, yeah.

00:22:05.520 I think more about the industry or something.

00:22:07.400 It's more about work ethic.

00:22:08.620 Yeah, yeah.

00:22:09.080 You know what I mean?

00:22:09.500 And resilience in that way.

00:22:11.180 You know what I mean?

00:22:11.880 He could have a couple of stores going and factories going, right?

00:22:14.240 You know what I mean? 0.99

00:22:14.760 He could be making fucking volleyballs, right? 0.99

00:22:17.420 Yeah. 0.99

00:22:17.740 They should remake, I know, Wizard of Oz.

00:22:22.920 Oh.

00:22:23.740 All Asian.

00:22:24.760 What do you think?

00:22:25.540 Wizard of Asia.

00:22:28.720 Excuse me?

00:22:29.640 Asia or Aseans.

00:22:31.040 Some people say, people aren't saying Asians as much anymore.

00:22:33.660 A lot of people say.

00:22:34.600 Oh, that's right.

00:22:35.960 Aseans.

00:22:36.240 Wait, who are saying it like that?

00:22:37.320 Aseans.

00:22:37.860 Who's saying Aseans?

00:22:38.620 I was at a hotel, actually.

00:22:39.560 I was in Australia and a lady said, we have a lot of Aseans here.

00:22:43.160 And I was like, who are?

00:22:44.220 Oh, Aseans.

00:22:45.160 Yeah.

00:22:45.720 We have a lot of Aseans here.

00:22:46.860 And I was like, who are they?

00:22:47.880 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:22:48.400 I was looking online and I couldn't figure it out.

00:22:49.560 Were you in Australia?

00:22:50.460 I mean, where were you?

00:22:51.200 Yeah, I was in Australia.

00:22:51.780 Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:22:52.000 And they said, yeah.

00:22:52.700 Well, they say a lot of things weird there.

00:22:54.360 Yeah.

00:22:54.660 But they said, we have a lot of Aseans here.

00:22:56.620 Yeah.

00:22:57.020 But let's talk about the Asian Wizard of Oz.

00:22:59.060 Let's see what we can do with that.

00:23:00.220 All right.

00:23:00.420 So, the Tin Man.

00:23:01.600 Yeah, the Tin Man, yeah.

00:23:02.340 You could put a little thing on that says, made in China.

00:23:04.360 Oh, yeah.

00:23:04.880 That's why he's broken.

00:23:05.840 Yeah.

00:23:06.340 Right?

00:23:06.960 Am I right?

00:23:07.740 Right?

00:23:08.900 And then, no Toto.

00:23:11.600 If I only had some bolts.

00:23:13.780 Yeah, yeah.

00:23:14.780 No Toto, why?

00:23:16.120 Oh.

00:23:17.140 Tell me why there'd be no Toto.

00:23:21.760 Because somebody's in the clean plate club.

00:23:24.260 Yeah, dog.

00:23:25.780 Yeah, yeah.

00:23:26.300 So, Toto would be eaten.

00:23:27.520 Yeah.

00:23:29.700 Toto's gone.

00:23:30.540 Okay.

00:23:30.980 Yeah.

00:23:31.700 Toto.

00:23:32.640 Yeah.

00:23:33.180 We'd have Toto.

00:23:34.220 Toto?

00:23:34.800 Yeah, yeah.

00:23:35.700 Right?

00:23:36.020 That's the main lady. 1.00

00:23:36.700 Oh, yeah.

00:23:37.520 Dorothy.

00:23:38.040 Yeah, yeah.

00:23:38.440 And she doesn't want to go to Kansas.

00:23:39.280 She wants to go to Tokyo.

00:23:41.500 Yeah.

00:23:41.940 You know what I mean?

00:23:42.520 Yeah, yeah.

00:23:43.140 What's the thing they say when they click the thing?

00:23:45.580 Somewhere.

00:23:46.720 No, no.

00:23:47.540 That's not the thing.

00:23:48.500 Oh, somewhere over the rainbow.

00:23:51.640 Is that from the Wizard of Oz?

00:23:52.960 Yeah.

00:23:54.080 It is?

00:23:54.920 Somewhere over the rainbow roll.

00:23:58.060 Oh, yeah.

00:23:58.480 Bring up a rainbow roll. 0.72

00:23:59.660 Yeah, rainbow roll.

00:24:00.480 Yeah, yeah.

00:24:00.780 Somewhere over the rainbow roll.

00:24:05.620 Yeah.

00:24:06.100 Wow.

00:24:07.480 That's it.

00:24:08.100 Those are beautiful.

00:24:09.400 I remember seeing one of those for the first time.

00:24:11.200 We would have the Cowardly Panda.

00:24:13.240 Yeah, the Cowardly Panda, huh?

00:24:14.840 Yeah, yeah.

00:24:15.520 And the Wicked Witch of the...

00:24:17.660 Yeah, who would she be, though?

00:24:18.620 We need to cast her. 1.00

00:24:19.960 I know who it should be.

00:24:21.080 Ali Wong.

00:24:21.760 No.

00:24:23.120 She could play it good.

00:24:24.420 Well, she's a good actress. 1.00

00:24:25.400 Yeah, she's good at it. 1.00

00:24:26.100 So if she needed to be wicked, she could do it.

00:24:27.620 But is she wicked, though?

00:24:28.640 If she needed to be.

00:24:29.320 I think she could be.

00:24:30.680 She would be good.

00:24:31.820 Ooh, Ali's hot.

00:24:33.500 There's Whitney Covers? 1.00

00:24:34.160 Oh, that's damn Whitney. 1.00

00:24:35.280 Yeah, that's damn Whitney. 1.00

00:24:35.780 Oh, Whitney would be the Whitney Witch of the West or whatever. 1.00

00:24:38.360 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:24:39.240 But we have to have a Witch of the East. 0.78

00:24:41.560 Ooh.

00:24:42.040 Yeah, yeah.

00:24:42.380 Ali then.

00:24:42.800 For sure.

00:24:43.100 Ali for the East. 0.55

00:24:44.060 Yeah.

00:24:44.460 And then who else is in the Wizard of Oz?

00:24:48.360 They had Cavalry Lion. 0.50

00:24:49.520 Yeah, we had the Panda there.

00:24:51.700 You know what I mean?

00:24:53.040 What about the Scarecrow?

00:24:54.060 Do we change that up?

00:24:55.540 The Scarecrow is...

00:24:57.200 He was full of hay or whatever.

00:25:00.100 Hay, yeah.

00:25:00.800 Rice, maybe.

00:25:01.680 Yeah, maybe.

00:25:02.380 Dried rice.

00:25:02.920 Dried rice.

00:25:03.780 Yeah.

00:25:04.800 It's right, right?

00:25:05.720 Yeah, long grain.

00:25:06.460 Yeah, long grain.

00:25:07.640 Yeah, yeah.

00:25:08.140 We do long grain rice with us.

00:25:09.360 If you had an Asian poor name, it would be long grain. 0.91

00:25:12.680 That would be good, huh? 0.81

00:25:13.780 It would be good.

00:25:14.320 Yeah, long grain, dog.

00:25:15.800 This episode is sponsored by PrizePix.

00:25:19.700 Indeed.

00:25:21.220 Do you love firing on sports?

00:25:23.680 Well, PrizePix is the best daily fantasy sports app for you.

00:25:29.440 Sign up today and get $50 instantly.

00:25:32.320 When you play $5, you don't even need to win to receive the $50 bonus.

00:25:39.140 It's guaranteed.

00:25:41.020 You can fire on all your favorite sports like NFL, college football, MMA, UFC, many more.

00:25:48.820 What I love about PrizePix is instead of choosing teams, you choose individual players.

00:25:55.100 Each player has a set projection and you choose either more or less than that set projection.

00:26:01.840 One Caleb Williams passing yard gets you one win on PrizePix every week in September.

00:26:10.380 That's right.

00:26:11.220 Only one yard gets you an automatic win every football weekend in September.

00:26:16.820 That's four weeks of free Ws.

00:26:20.320 Don't miss this deal on PrizePix because it's gone when September ends.

00:26:25.980 If you are smart with sports and you know what players are going to perform on what nights,

00:26:30.800 PrizePix is the best app for you.

00:26:35.440 First time users, download the PrizePix app, use code Theo and PrizePix will instantly give you $50

00:26:42.540 on your first lineup of $5 or more.

00:26:46.340 No strings attached.

00:26:48.040 Put in $5 and instantly get a free $50.

00:26:51.480 Sandals, sunscreen, snacks for the kids.

00:26:57.300 What do these have in common?

00:26:59.200 Well, you're probably buying a ton of those again this summer.

00:27:03.440 But don't stress about the cost.

00:27:05.820 Use Ibotta and get cash back on all your purchases when you stock up on all your summer essentials.

00:27:12.840 Ibotta is a free app that lets you earn cash back every time you shop.

00:27:19.580 Earn on hundreds of items from groceries to beauty supplies, even toys, so you can make

00:27:25.040 sure you're beating inflation no matter what you're purchasing.

00:27:29.080 The average Ibotta user earns $256 per year.

00:27:33.820 That could cover the cost of an entire shopping trip, that flight you've been eyeing, or the

00:27:39.500 fancy dinner you've been craving.

00:27:42.200 Right now, Ibotta is offering our listeners $5 just for trying Ibotta by using the code

00:27:49.060 Theo when you register.

00:27:51.580 Just go to the App Store or Google Play Store and download the free Ibotta app to start earning

00:27:57.420 cash back and use code Theo, that's I-B-O-T-T-A, in the Google Play or App Store and use code

00:28:06.620 Theo, Ibotta.

00:28:08.680 You're heading to an event, you're taking your spouse or your friend to see a game, to see

00:28:14.100 a ballerina or go to the dog track, and you might need tickets.

00:28:20.100 Well, the only ticketing app that gives you complete peace of mind with your purchase is

00:28:25.800 game time.

00:28:28.140 You heard me.

00:28:29.820 Game time.

00:28:31.480 You love going to concerts, you love going to shows, game time is the way to do it.

00:28:37.240 Game time has a new feature called Game Time Picks that makes getting tickets for concerts

00:28:43.020 and events even easier.

00:28:45.840 Game Time Picks filters out the fluff to show you only incredible deals on great seats so

00:28:52.660 you don't have to waste time searching through thousands of tickets.

00:28:56.660 Take the guesswork out of buying concert tickets with game time.

00:29:02.320 Download the game time app, create an account, and use code WEEKEND for $20 off your first

00:29:08.440 purchase.

00:29:09.400 Terms apply.

00:29:10.040 Again, create an account, and redeem code WEEKEND for $20 off.

00:29:18.860 Download Game Time today.

00:29:21.280 Last minute tickets, lowest price, guaranteed.

00:29:25.380 Can I just say something about you?

00:29:27.860 Is, um, you are one of the nicest guys I think I've ever met in comedy.

00:29:36.440 Really?

00:29:38.040 Really?

00:29:39.240 Yeah.

00:29:39.740 Thanks, man.

00:29:40.100 I mean, it's, I think, I'll, I'll, can I give you my list?

00:29:42.840 Yeah.

00:29:43.620 Okay.

00:29:44.020 And, and you'll probably know.

00:29:46.300 But, and let's, we'll talk about men.

00:29:48.420 Okay.

00:29:48.840 Okay.

00:29:49.320 Um, I'll talk about women too, but, um, I think aside from you, let's, let's grade them 1.00

00:29:55.260 from one to 10.

00:29:56.340 Niceness.

00:29:56.920 You're singing in well, but let's do it.

00:29:58.760 It is.

00:29:59.460 Okay.

00:29:59.820 Because I'm only going to give you names that are like, nice.

00:30:02.620 Okay.

00:30:03.140 Greg Fitzsimmons.

00:30:04.240 Oh.

00:30:04.760 Oh my God.

00:30:05.980 Nine.

00:30:06.800 Out of 10?

00:30:07.540 Yeah.

00:30:07.680 For sure.

00:30:08.080 And he has a new book that just came out.

00:30:09.560 What's it called?

00:30:10.140 It's a special.

00:30:11.120 And he has a new video book that just came out.

00:30:14.040 A special.

00:30:15.040 Yeah.

00:30:15.560 And.

00:30:15.920 On YouTube.

00:30:16.460 He was just on your podcast about it, wasn't he?

00:30:17.960 No.

00:30:18.700 Greg Fitzsimmons.

00:30:19.480 Yeah.

00:30:19.660 You know me.

00:30:20.760 So check that out.

00:30:22.320 I love Greg.

00:30:22.920 Yeah.

00:30:23.060 I love him.

00:30:23.560 All right.

00:30:23.760 So let's go.

00:30:24.860 Uh, Fiki Manwar.

00:30:26.320 Oh.

00:30:27.780 Nine.

00:30:29.060 Nine.

00:30:29.580 Yeah.

00:30:29.760 I don't think anybody wants to be a 10.

00:30:32.400 Right.

00:30:32.760 They have a little bit of thing that makes them not be a 10.

00:30:35.700 Yeah. 1.00

00:30:35.820 They're sick perverts. 1.00

00:30:37.200 Yeah. 1.00

00:30:37.380 Yeah.

00:30:37.580 Yeah.

00:30:37.700 Yeah.

00:30:37.920 Yeah.

00:30:38.040 Yeah.

00:30:38.080 So that keeps everybody a little lower.

00:30:39.240 Nikki Glaser.

00:30:44.360 Eight or nine. 0.98

00:30:45.480 For men, sex. 0.97

00:30:48.480 If she's supposed to be male, then she's doing a bad job. 1.00

00:30:51.280 Yeah.

00:30:51.300 Yeah.

00:30:51.400 Bad job.

00:30:52.000 Female, nine. 0.98

00:30:52.540 Yeah.

00:30:52.720 For a female, I think she's a nine. 1.00

00:30:54.300 Yeah.

00:30:54.500 Yeah.

00:30:54.600 She's nice.

00:30:54.880 I don't.

00:30:55.280 Let's try to find a 10.

00:30:56.420 There's no 10?

00:30:57.660 The nicest.

00:30:58.640 The nicest guy in comedy.

00:31:01.880 I don't think I can find a 10 then. 0.99

00:31:03.520 Because if fucking Greg Fitzsimmons is a nine. 0.99

00:31:06.860 Maybe Jelly Roll. 1.00

00:31:08.060 Sebastian.

00:31:09.380 Sebastian's a nice guy.

00:31:10.420 A nice guy.

00:31:11.320 For a busy guy, he always tries to communicate and stay tuned.

00:31:15.140 Tapped in.

00:31:15.600 But he's also, but he's only, oh my God, I want to get in trouble. 0.98

00:31:19.000 But, oh God, I just try to edit my, you know, I got to edit my shit now, man. 0.98

00:31:24.160 So I got to think clearly. 0.51

00:31:26.520 But I want to say, I believe if you're in his visual range.

00:31:34.600 Yeah.

00:31:35.060 Right.

00:31:35.680 Somebody that he has a relationship with.

00:31:37.780 Yeah.

00:31:38.060 Right.

00:31:39.360 That he's a 10.

00:31:40.940 I think he's a 10.

00:31:42.160 But I don't think that if you're not in his visual range or in his ecosystem, it's hard

00:31:48.780 to get in.

00:31:49.520 Yeah.

00:31:50.080 Because he's so elusive.

00:31:52.540 Yeah, he does.

00:31:53.240 He'll park his car.

00:31:53.920 He'll do a set.

00:31:54.980 And there's no way of like, you know what I mean, going, yo, yo, yo, I'm a comic too

00:31:58.960 or whatever and developing a relationship.

00:32:00.800 I think he, the people he knows is who he knows.

00:32:04.060 Yeah. 0.99

00:32:04.300 And there's, and that fucking roster is filled. 0.99

00:32:06.840 Yeah. 0.99

00:32:07.180 That's what I think.

00:32:07.720 I think at a certain point you've done all of that.

00:32:09.520 And it's like, you only have so much bandwidth.

00:32:11.240 He have children.

00:32:12.280 Yeah.

00:32:12.540 You have a wife and parents.

00:32:14.460 And I think it's just, uh, yeah, that's, you know, I don't know if doing a lot of that 0.99

00:32:22.160 fucking glad handing and shit. 0.99

00:32:25.900 It's not his shit. 1.00

00:32:27.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:32:27.120 But you're good at it.

00:32:28.420 Well, I feel desperate probably for, to be a people pleaser.

00:32:31.640 No, because the truth is last night, um, when I was with those two girls, three girls

00:32:35.860 you were with, um, no, the other one was a stray.

00:32:40.900 Well, whatever, dude.

00:32:41.980 She knew that I was going to probably go say hi to you.

00:32:43.920 Yeah.

00:32:44.260 And she went to your show.

00:32:45.400 Well, it's funny that a stray went missing.

00:32:47.240 I'm not an Asian.

00:32:50.200 Yeah.

00:32:53.320 But, um, and I knew that I'm like, yeah, come meet Theo.

00:32:58.540 I don't have that thing.

00:32:59.560 Like, Oh, this could backfire.

00:33:01.640 Yeah.

00:33:02.080 You know, sometimes people are like that where like a girl would go, Hey, can I, Oh, okay.

00:33:06.780 So my friend Alan Meadows, I grew up, I went to high school with him.

00:33:10.600 He was at the store maybe a month ago and he's, he's never been to the store and he's never,

00:33:15.980 he's like, so like, he's one of those high school friends that is just so stoked for you.

00:33:22.500 Yeah.

00:33:23.040 You know what I mean?

00:33:23.540 And I, and I, and I, and I, I love this guy and we're at the store and he, and he sees Mark Maron and he goes, can you introduce me?

00:33:32.320 And for a split second, I was like, I don't know.

00:33:36.060 You know, I did it.

00:33:37.780 Yeah.

00:33:38.120 And Mark was also eating pizza, which I've never seen him do.

00:33:40.940 I never seen him eat anything.

00:33:43.060 I know.

00:33:43.720 You know what I'm saying?

00:33:44.180 Yeah.

00:33:44.760 Me either.

00:33:45.960 So it's, yeah, it's scary to introduce.

00:33:47.980 But he was not, he was nice though.

00:33:49.040 He was.

00:33:49.360 Yeah.

00:33:49.480 Yeah.

00:33:49.860 But it's, it's, it's, you don't know.

00:33:52.140 You know what I mean?

00:33:52.640 Well, Mark doesn't pretend a lot.

00:33:54.340 I don't think, you know?

00:33:55.420 So I feel like if you, you know, you're going to get the real Mark, it's like Bill Burr.

00:33:59.280 You're going to get who they are at that moment.

00:34:01.640 Okay.

00:34:01.880 Do you get scared around him?

00:34:02.920 When you walk up to him, Bill?

00:34:04.220 Yeah.

00:34:05.500 Bill Burr.

00:34:06.200 I get, I get like, and I feel bad.

00:34:08.020 It's just me.

00:34:08.600 He came on the show last night, dude.

00:34:10.020 He jumped on the show.

00:34:10.800 Yeah, I know. 0.96

00:34:11.360 It was fucking awesome, dude. 0.76

00:34:13.180 And I stood on the side and I was like, I need to go home and work right now. 0.97

00:34:16.660 I did not want to tell a joke.

00:34:18.860 He just, he's, he is, I mean, he is the best maybe.

00:34:24.420 I think he's the best, but there's just something about like me and Andrew were doing Bad Friends.

00:34:28.880 He was upstairs, I guess, is an editing place.

00:34:31.940 And he was editing a special.

00:34:33.560 We didn't know that.

00:34:34.640 So we're just doing Bad Friends.

00:34:36.080 He just walks in.

00:34:38.140 We had no idea.

00:34:39.820 And it was almost as if I was tongue tied.

00:34:42.700 You know what I mean?

00:34:42.900 I mean, I, he's done Tiger Belly a bunch of times.

00:34:46.180 I've been to his house.

00:34:47.800 I'm friends with him.

00:34:48.780 I love the guy.

00:34:49.620 Right.

00:34:49.860 But every once in a while I get tongue tied.

00:34:52.020 Like, I don't know what to say.

00:34:53.540 And I'm always like, like, he's one of those guys where it's like, you let him talk.

00:34:57.320 Yes.

00:34:57.780 And then you go, yeah, man, that's cool.

00:34:59.560 Dude, that's how it was last night.

00:35:01.260 I was all embarrassed.

00:35:02.260 I was like, it was almost like a hot chick was there.

00:35:05.060 I know.

00:35:05.560 Yeah.

00:35:05.760 He's a hot chick. 0.84

00:35:06.740 And you're like, at the certain points I couldn't even look at him.

00:35:09.180 I just look at my other friend and we're both like supposed to be listening to him.

00:35:12.500 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:35:12.840 We're both looking at each other.

00:35:14.220 Yeah.

00:35:14.540 He just, and he's also a super nice guy too, which is also rattled. 0.99

00:35:19.200 I kind of wish he was a dick. 0.92

00:35:20.980 Well, I think his material is so like him that. 0.99

00:35:24.520 Yeah.

00:35:24.840 There's like something that's intimidating about him, but I don't think he, I don't think

00:35:28.700 he means it to be that way.

00:35:30.260 No.

00:35:30.660 I think his material is just so.

00:35:32.300 It's in our head.

00:35:32.960 It's in our head.

00:35:33.620 Oh, totally.

00:35:34.380 It's so funny you said that.

00:35:35.340 Yeah.

00:35:35.520 It's in our head.

00:35:36.280 Because he left and we're all like, oh, dude, were you feeling like.

00:35:39.140 I know because when I went back there.

00:35:40.440 Yeah.

00:35:41.040 The residual of him being there was still around.

00:35:43.800 Yeah.

00:35:44.200 People were like, oh, Bill was just here.

00:35:45.900 Yeah. 0.99

00:35:46.080 And I go, I don't give a fuck. 0.99

00:35:48.260 It was like the Wizard of Oz when that storm hit. 1.00

00:35:50.260 People were like putting their windows back together and shit. 0.99

00:35:52.800 Yeah. 0.99

00:35:52.920 You know?

00:35:53.360 Yeah.

00:35:53.980 Maybe he could be the wizard in our Asian Wizard of Oz.

00:35:56.720 Oh.

00:35:58.200 Anyway, I'm going to tell you something that happened to me the other day.

00:36:00.760 And what would you do in this situation?

00:36:02.820 But do you think it's because we're intimidated of his talent?

00:36:05.200 Sorry.

00:36:05.500 I want to go back to what you're saying.

00:36:08.360 And I'll go back to what you're saying.

00:36:09.360 I just wanted to know.

00:36:09.920 No, no, no.

00:36:10.400 It's good.

00:36:10.840 We can just cut.

00:36:11.280 It's fine.

00:36:11.980 Okay.

00:36:12.220 They're just, I'm going to tell you like we did with the nicest.

00:36:14.860 I'm going to tell you who just, in my opinion, when they're around, it has the same vibe.

00:36:21.920 Okay?

00:36:23.080 So, Chappelle, obviously.

00:36:25.280 Chris Rock.

00:36:26.640 Yeah.

00:36:26.740 Like, Chris will go, what's up, man?

00:36:29.600 You know what I mean?

00:36:30.680 And I'm always like, ha, ha, ha.

00:36:32.940 Yeah.

00:36:33.140 I like you.

00:36:34.380 You know?

00:36:34.900 I get really tongue-tied with that dude.

00:36:36.820 Yeah.

00:36:37.340 You know, that dude.

00:36:38.980 Oh, yeah.

00:36:39.580 One Christmas dude.

00:36:42.280 I don't know if I told you.

00:36:43.060 Have I told you about this?

00:36:43.920 That's his movie, One Christmas?

00:36:46.060 Yeah, it's such a great movie.

00:36:47.240 Is it really?

00:36:47.840 No, man.

00:36:48.660 Oh, I don't know what you're talking about.

00:36:49.300 One Christmas, dude.

00:36:50.580 I was on a date.

00:36:51.780 I watched a movie with this girl.

00:36:53.360 You know, have you ever been to this Third Street Promenade?

00:36:55.880 Yes.

00:36:56.460 Right.

00:36:57.180 So then, you know, I went to this date and I tried to hold her hand in the thing and she

00:37:02.040 kind of scooted away.

00:37:03.820 I couldn't get no vibes from her.

00:37:05.740 And afterwards, the Brookstone, well, not Brookstone, what's the bookstore?

00:37:11.480 Barnes & Noble.

00:37:12.320 Barnes & Noble.

00:37:12.840 All right, dude, all right.

00:37:13.900 There's a better way to say that.

00:37:14.900 Her Borders books, which Kamala Harris hasn't visited the whole time she's been in office.

00:37:19.300 Yeah.

00:37:19.880 Barnes & Noble, dude.

00:37:20.880 Yeah.

00:37:21.240 Right?

00:37:21.520 So you know how they have the magazine section?

00:37:23.820 Yeah.

00:37:24.160 So me and her wandered in the, it was just during Christmas.

00:37:26.320 We wandered in the magazine section.

00:37:28.040 Two Asians, a couple of periodicals.

00:37:29.680 Yeah.

00:37:29.880 No, she was white. 0.99

00:37:30.480 Oh, she was white. 0.99

00:37:31.760 A couple of one Asian.

00:37:33.180 Yeah.

00:37:33.520 A couple of one Asian.

00:37:34.420 Yeah.

00:37:34.540 And a honky.

00:37:35.200 Yeah.

00:37:35.440 And a honky, dude.

00:37:36.080 Meeting over some frickin' southern living.

00:37:38.860 I like it.

00:37:39.740 Yeah, yeah.

00:37:40.920 And Chris was there.

00:37:42.680 What?

00:37:43.240 Yeah.

00:37:44.320 And I swear to God, dude, I had, you know, my relationship with that dude is just pound,

00:37:50.460 say a couple of words, and you're out.

00:37:52.420 Yeah.

00:37:52.900 Right?

00:37:53.880 And he comes out and he looks at the girl.

00:37:56.140 I swear to God, and he goes, this guy right here, one of the funniest in the business.

00:38:01.640 He goes, Merry Christmas.

00:38:03.220 He walks away.

00:38:04.200 I hooked up with that girl that night. 1.00

00:38:05.760 Fuck yeah. 1.00

00:38:06.640 That was a layup. 1.00

00:38:07.700 But he's one of them.

00:38:09.800 You know who's another one?

00:38:11.260 For some reason, Sarah Silverman.

00:38:13.460 Very sweet.

00:38:14.680 She's so sweet.

00:38:16.060 But there is a little bit like, I want to watch what I want to say.

00:38:19.080 I want to, you know what I mean?

00:38:19.580 I'm a little self-aware of how I'm behaving.

00:38:22.680 Yeah.

00:38:23.220 You know? 0.99

00:38:23.980 But then there are people that I don't give a shit. 0.99

00:38:27.500 Like. 0.99

00:38:28.800 Like Santino. 0.99

00:38:30.100 I don't give a shit. 0.99

00:38:31.580 He's my friend. 0.99

00:38:32.760 I mean, that's what it is.

00:38:33.600 Real friend?

00:38:35.120 Bad friend.

00:38:36.360 Yeah, Don.

00:38:37.840 That's what he is.

00:38:38.700 Yeah.

00:38:40.300 And he's a BLM guy, he said.

00:38:41.980 Bobby Lee Matters, he said.

00:38:43.320 Yeah.

00:38:43.760 Are you intimidated by Joe Rogan?

00:38:46.300 What?

00:38:46.780 I think maybe less and less over time.

00:38:50.160 He has such a good memory.

00:38:51.720 It's almost like somehow like.

00:38:52.960 Dude, he is a computer chip.

00:38:54.360 He is.

00:38:54.880 Yeah.

00:38:55.160 People don't realize it, dude.

00:38:56.280 He knows everything.

00:38:57.380 He just has a really good memory.

00:38:58.980 Yeah.

00:39:00.220 What was I going to ask you about?

00:39:01.780 Oh, dude.

00:39:02.340 Where were we?

00:39:03.260 Where was I?

00:39:03.760 You would look so.

00:39:04.400 No, you've just been looking more like kind of put together.

00:39:06.720 I feel like, you know, I feel like you're like in your fisherman era. 0.99

00:39:09.820 Kind of, you know?

00:39:11.900 You know what I'm talking about?

00:39:13.000 No, I don't.

00:39:13.480 Explain.

00:39:14.260 Like boat Bobby.

00:39:15.200 Kind of like live bait Bobby.

00:39:16.720 You know?

00:39:17.200 Well, you know, I've gone through some things.

00:39:19.020 Yeah.

00:39:19.520 And I've evolved.

00:39:20.280 Well, that's okay.

00:39:21.140 Yeah, yeah.

00:39:21.480 No, it's a good thing.

00:39:22.040 Like that little yellow bad boy. 0.97

00:39:23.260 That piss scallop. 0.96

00:39:24.200 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

00:39:24.820 That fucking hero. 1.00

00:39:27.800 Piss scallop? 1.00

00:39:28.200 Oh, this must be. 0.95

00:39:31.340 Did you hear that?

00:39:32.300 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:39:32.680 There's a.

00:39:33.460 But you call me piss scallop.

00:39:34.340 No, I didn't say that, dude.

00:39:35.720 Yeah, yeah.

00:39:36.500 That's something that they said on.

00:39:38.580 That's something.

00:39:39.420 Somebody.

00:39:39.980 Is this broken?

00:39:41.960 I can't even hear correctly.

00:39:43.640 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:39:44.040 It made me my ears, dude.

00:39:44.760 What?

00:39:44.960 Yeah, yeah.

00:39:45.300 It made me my ears, dude.

00:39:46.420 You didn't say that.

00:39:47.240 Dude.

00:39:47.680 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:39:48.340 Let's change it to something.

00:39:49.200 Dude, where were you when Trump got shot?

00:39:53.240 Let's talk about something else.

00:39:54.660 What do you mean?

00:39:55.240 Where were you when Trump got shot, man?

00:39:58.200 Where was I?

00:40:00.380 The president got shot.

00:40:01.660 I know.

00:40:03.080 I don't really remember where I was.

00:40:05.000 I was at home.

00:40:06.580 I was at home.

00:40:07.640 And, you know, when I wake up in the mornings, I have a coffee.

00:40:10.900 And I bust out my iPad.

00:40:12.960 And I just start, like, I just go to news.

00:40:15.420 I just want to see what's going on.

00:40:16.820 Yeah.

00:40:17.100 And that was, you know, and then I remember just watching it going, what a sad day for our country, man.

00:40:22.980 Yeah.

00:40:23.360 You know.

00:40:24.240 What was he like?

00:40:25.940 Donald Trump?

00:40:26.700 Were you nervous?

00:40:27.160 He was, I mean, he's kind of.

00:40:29.040 Were you nervous?

00:40:30.840 Yeah.

00:40:31.620 Like, more nervous than you've ever been in your life?

00:40:34.720 Yeah.

00:40:35.400 Yeah, I would be, too.

00:40:37.160 And then when he, I gotta know, when he walks in, right?

00:40:41.040 I mean, are you, do you have things planned?

00:40:43.380 Yeah, I had some ideas, but I think I was super nervous.

00:40:46.220 I had a long week.

00:40:47.340 And it was like, you ever have, like, a date you're excited for, but you've had a craziest,

00:40:52.380 longest week, and it finally, Friday night comes or something, you're like.

00:40:55.600 Yeah.

00:40:56.420 That's what it was.

00:40:57.100 Yeah, that's what it was.

00:40:57.800 And so it was like, you know, and so I just, and I knew I had a limited amount of time.

00:41:03.860 What was the time?

00:41:04.760 Probably 52 minutes we had.

00:41:06.840 52 minutes?

00:41:07.540 Yeah.

00:41:07.740 That's a long time, though.

00:41:09.120 Yeah, but I know it can go fast, and he can get on some, he gets on some tangents, and

00:41:13.420 he'll go.

00:41:13.680 Yeah, he goes in and out, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:41:14.440 So I didn't, I was like, you have to kind of curtail him a little bit, you know?

00:41:18.720 Um, and so I tried to do that.

00:41:21.020 With the clips I've seen, though, I think that you were pretty, you were good.

00:41:24.240 Thanks, man.

00:41:24.720 Yeah, yeah.

00:41:25.220 I, you know, yeah, you were good.

00:41:26.780 I tried my best, you know?

00:41:27.860 I thought it was interesting.

00:41:29.040 I thought he was nice.

00:41:30.260 Um, I got to meet Ivanka and her husband.

00:41:31.820 That was cool.

00:41:32.440 Oh, that's cool.

00:41:33.200 Yeah.

00:41:33.740 There's a lot of Asians for Trump out there.

00:41:35.740 Do you know that?

00:41:39.760 Or, how do Asians feel about Trump?

00:41:44.020 Let's say it, man.

00:41:45.680 Can I say something to you?

00:41:46.780 Yeah.

00:41:47.800 I'm not the president of Asians. 0.98

00:41:51.320 I seem to think that, you seem to think that I'm their leader.

00:41:55.480 Like, every month there's a gathering, right?

00:41:58.360 And I get all this information from people.

00:42:00.260 Yeah.

00:42:00.800 Right, and then I go out to the world, I'm their spokesperson or something. 0.99

00:42:03.280 I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. 0.99

00:42:05.180 You're like Kim Jong-un. 1.00

00:42:05.960 No, I'm not Kim Jong-un. 0.59

00:42:07.260 You're like a smaller, you're like scam Jong-un. 0.80

00:42:10.180 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:42:11.380 You know, I think that Kim Jong-un and I come from the same, um, body type.

00:42:16.040 I would say that.

00:42:16.780 Like, if they made a factory of, like, Asians, I'm the same mold as Kim Jong-un and Benedict 1.00

00:42:23.760 Wong.

00:42:24.480 Yeah.

00:42:24.840 You know Benedict Wong?

00:42:26.260 Um, I don't think so.

00:42:28.440 You ever see Doctor Strange?

00:42:29.680 Nuh-uh.

00:42:30.740 You have the very emperor's body.

00:42:32.640 That's Benedict Wong.

00:42:33.360 Oh, you guys.

00:42:34.260 Yeah, that's the era you're in right now, Bobby.

00:42:36.160 Yeah, yeah.

00:42:36.340 So that's, like, the same mold.

00:42:38.160 He's a great guy, by the way, Benedict.

00:42:39.840 Wow.

00:42:40.320 Yeah, but it's like, you know, and, um...

00:42:42.600 He just went more action with his body.

00:42:44.980 Good for him.

00:42:45.560 Yeah, yeah.

00:42:45.960 Yeah, you have very, like, uh, the emperor that inherits the castle type of, you know?

00:42:50.580 Thank you.

00:42:51.280 Thank you, dude.

00:42:51.960 That's the best.

00:42:52.640 Yeah.

00:42:52.820 But I want to say that I don't know if they're, you know, I know Stephen Chung.

00:42:56.380 You know him?

00:42:56.920 Mm-mm.

00:42:57.880 Yeah, he's, I think, look up Stephen Chung.

00:43:00.580 I think he's an attorney for Trump, is it?

00:43:05.300 Stephen Chung.

00:43:06.260 Yeah, Republican.

00:43:07.160 Yeah, he's with the Trump campaign.

00:43:08.260 Yeah, yeah.

00:43:08.740 Oh, nice.

00:43:09.380 You know, so if you want to ask about Asians and Trump, ask Stephen.

00:43:13.520 Yeah, that'd be cool to meet Stephen Chung.

00:43:14.920 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:43:15.040 Or to get him to fuck. 1.00

00:43:15.840 Did you see that, um, that Asian guy? 1.00

00:43:18.620 Looked at that Asian guy at the Trump rally.

00:43:20.260 You see him?

00:43:20.840 No, tell me.

00:43:21.500 Bring it up.

00:43:21.920 Oh, yeah, this is it.

00:43:22.520 Oh, this guy.

00:43:23.540 Okay, what happens to this guy?

00:43:24.940 It's like gays and Asians meeting or whatever.

00:43:27.160 This Asian guy meets this woman.

00:43:29.240 Let's see what happens.

00:43:31.940 I like to smile.

00:43:33.740 I'm serious right now.

00:43:35.180 I don't know.

00:43:35.700 Guess how old I am.

00:43:36.540 22?

00:43:37.280 16.

00:43:38.040 You're 16.

00:43:39.080 But if you want to kiss me, I will kiss you. 0.77

00:43:41.420 Don't act scared.

00:43:42.320 Brady, come on.

00:43:42.940 This is my first kiss.

00:43:43.740 Come on, bend over. 1.00

00:43:44.960 I can't reach you.

00:43:48.780 I came to this Trump rally to find love.

00:43:51.380 I wanted to find me a good...

00:43:52.520 American woman.

00:43:54.360 I'm not a woman.

00:43:55.900 Oh.

00:43:56.940 I'm not a woman.

00:43:58.400 Wait, what?

00:43:58.940 He keeps thinking I'm a woman.

00:44:00.660 I'm a man.

00:44:01.580 Yeah.

00:44:02.040 Yeah.

00:44:02.280 Yeah.

00:44:02.360 He kissed a dude for Trump, bro. 0.92

00:44:12.460 That's a Gays and Asians. 1.00

00:44:13.200 That's a Gaysian right there for sure, dude. 0.98

00:44:15.520 Wow, bro. 0.99

00:44:17.180 That was fucking weird. 0.98

00:44:19.100 It's almost as if it's like AI or something. 0.99

00:44:22.180 Wow.

00:44:22.740 G-A-I. 1.00

00:44:24.560 Brian.

00:44:25.120 Yeah.

00:44:25.840 Wow.

00:44:26.680 Yeah.

00:44:27.240 His name's Brian.

00:44:28.620 Brian.

00:44:29.420 Yeah.

00:44:29.580 I don't know what went wrong with him, but, you know.

00:44:31.520 Yeah.

00:44:31.880 Play that last part again.

00:44:33.020 Yeah.

00:44:33.200 Tell you.

00:44:35.420 I'm trying to find love.

00:44:36.540 I'm trying to find me a good American woman. 0.98

00:44:39.600 I'm not a woman.

00:44:41.060 Oh.

00:44:42.080 I'm not a woman.

00:44:43.520 Wait, what?

00:44:43.940 He keeps thinking I'm a woman.

00:44:45.800 I'm a man.

00:44:46.720 Yeah.

00:44:47.180 Yeah.

00:44:48.120 I'm afraid.

00:44:48.860 Whoa.

00:44:50.620 That's Elton Yon.

00:44:52.060 Yeah, yeah, dude.

00:44:53.380 Wow.

00:44:54.580 Wow.

00:44:54.860 Is there more?

00:44:55.680 Are there more Asians than Trump? 0.81

00:44:57.280 Because do Asians support Trump or not?

00:44:59.680 Okay.

00:45:00.500 I think some do.

00:45:02.200 Yeah, I'm sure some do.

00:45:02.940 When it comes to the economy, probably.

00:45:05.080 You know what I mean?

00:45:07.360 Because.

00:45:07.980 What?

00:45:08.580 What is this one?

00:45:09.520 This is a Trump country.

00:45:11.100 We live in the Southeast.

00:45:12.520 We drink Swiss tea.

00:45:15.320 We don't drink socialist Kool-Aid.

00:45:18.680 Wow.

00:45:19.220 Wow.

00:45:20.440 So there are there.

00:45:21.360 They're out there.

00:45:23.020 Yeah.

00:45:23.400 This is a sweet country.

00:45:25.900 We don't drink the Trump Kool-Aid.

00:45:28.220 What does he say?

00:45:29.440 Socialists with Kool-Aid.

00:45:32.560 Wow, dude.

00:45:33.580 I wrote that speech for him.

00:45:34.620 Did you know that?

00:45:35.540 At the meeting, I did.

00:45:37.240 Yeah.

00:45:37.580 Wow.

00:45:38.680 Yeah, I'm his speech writer, dude.

00:45:40.120 He said it perfectly the way I wrote it.

00:45:41.900 He did. 1.00

00:45:43.480 Yeah, the Kool-Aid, socialists, all that shit was in there, dude. 1.00

00:45:47.200 What a great guy. 0.99

00:45:47.900 What percent of Asians are supporting Trump, though, do you think?

00:45:50.780 Yeah.

00:45:51.540 Are you trying?

00:45:52.160 Let me ask you something.

00:45:53.320 With this line of questioning, are you trying to get what my political affiliation is?

00:45:58.960 No.

00:46:00.020 Right?

00:46:00.340 I ain't going to tell you, dog.

00:46:01.580 Okay.

00:46:02.000 Yeah.

00:46:02.540 And I have to say this.

00:46:03.780 I'm in the middle.

00:46:04.780 Yeah.

00:46:05.620 What are you?

00:46:07.020 I am.

00:46:08.200 That's a good question, man.

00:46:09.500 Because, obviously, there are things that I like, you know, I like both sides.

00:46:18.200 Like, a woman's right to choose. 1.00

00:46:19.320 I don't give a fuck. 0.98

00:46:20.540 I want them to have the right. 0.99

00:46:22.260 It's not me.

00:46:23.260 It has nothing to do with me.

00:46:24.640 Right?

00:46:24.980 I just think, um, I mean, I'm in, I'm kind of, I'm in the middle of one side, kind of.

00:46:30.440 You know what I'm saying?

00:46:31.680 A little bit more.

00:46:32.840 What do you mean?

00:46:33.700 Huh?

00:46:34.040 So you're in the middle of one side.

00:46:35.640 Yeah.

00:46:36.280 Well, okay.

00:46:37.120 I think I've always been, I mean, I love the fact that Trump brought over RFK Jr.

00:46:41.700 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:46:42.000 I'm still pissed that the Democrats railroaded Bernie Sanders for an eight.

00:46:47.100 Me too.

00:46:47.580 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:46:48.080 That fuck, it's like, is democracy even real in this country anymore? 1.00

00:46:51.660 Okay. 1.00

00:46:51.860 I don't know.

00:46:52.720 Okay.

00:46:52.960 That's what I don't even know anymore.

00:46:54.540 I don't even know if all of us are just being, uh, played.

00:46:58.220 That's what it starts to feel like.

00:46:59.800 Yeah, I generally don't like talking about politics, but I'll say this.

00:47:05.340 I'll say that one side, you know, um, is more supportive of what I do for a living.

00:47:21.000 What do you do?

00:47:22.960 Okay.

00:47:25.460 Okay.

00:47:26.440 You mean comedy?

00:47:27.000 Comedy, comedy.

00:47:27.800 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:47:28.080 Okay.

00:47:28.420 You mean, so freedom of speech or whatever?

00:47:30.480 Yeah.

00:47:31.080 Okay.

00:47:32.120 I think one side is a little more sensitive than the other side.

00:47:35.980 And so, you know, I struggle with that fact.

00:47:39.260 Yeah.

00:47:39.760 You know?

00:47:40.600 Look, man.

00:47:41.380 Look.

00:47:41.700 I voted for Obama and I voted for Trump.

00:47:44.520 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:47:45.140 I'm not, uh, I am open to anything.

00:47:48.540 Yeah, I've never really voted.

00:47:50.360 Really?

00:47:50.860 No, I voted for Obama one season.

00:47:52.240 You did?

00:47:52.660 One season I did.

00:47:53.420 Um, what, uh, but are Asians?

00:47:56.040 You see, here's what you did.

00:47:57.720 I want to go back to the, remember the original question I had?

00:48:00.500 Yeah.

00:48:00.680 Like, from 15 minutes ago?

00:48:02.120 And then you were like, oh, I want to go back to that.

00:48:04.020 And we never did.

00:48:04.960 Oh, about what?

00:48:06.040 I forgot.

00:48:06.520 Being bisexual or whatever?

00:48:07.960 No, no, no.

00:48:09.380 No, after that.

00:48:11.580 Um.

00:48:12.580 I didn't even explain it to you.

00:48:14.180 Something happened to me the other day.

00:48:15.520 I was.

00:48:16.020 Yeah, what was it?

00:48:16.460 I was going to, I was going to ask you, like, what would you do in that situation?

00:48:20.040 Yeah, what was it?

00:48:21.860 So, I was at a gas station, right?

00:48:24.680 And I'm pumping gas.

00:48:26.240 And there's a guy, like, right in back of me pumping gas, you know?

00:48:28.960 Mm-hmm.

00:48:29.620 And he looks at me and he goes, he goes, yo, dude, can I get a photo?

00:48:34.860 Right?

00:48:35.760 And I, dude, that day, dude, I had went through it.

00:48:38.880 I was beaten down.

00:48:40.720 I was tired.

00:48:41.980 I was in a really bad mood.

00:48:43.700 And I go, yeah, okay.

00:48:47.180 And he goes, ah, never mind then.

00:48:50.320 Because I wasn't enthusiastic about the photo.

00:48:53.440 Right.

00:48:54.020 You know?

00:48:54.540 What does one do in that situation?

00:48:56.800 I think you just got to respect it because I think it played out like it was supposed to, you know?

00:49:00.460 But then I go, I'll take a photo.

00:49:01.920 He's like, nah, man.

00:49:04.040 Now you're the bad guy.

00:49:05.900 No, I'm the bad guy.

00:49:06.920 Yeah.

00:49:07.220 He's like, I don't want a photo with you because, you know what I mean?

00:49:09.560 And what he's basically trying to say is, because I wasn't like, yeah!

00:49:14.020 Let's take a photo!

00:49:16.020 You and me?

00:49:16.660 Yeah.

00:49:17.020 Forever!

00:49:18.040 You're right?

00:49:18.960 He wanted that reaction.

00:49:20.500 Yeah.

00:49:20.960 When I gave him an organic, like, yeah, dude, I'm, you know, I didn't say this, but it's

00:49:24.080 like, I'm fucking tired, but I'll do it.

00:49:26.500 Because I've never said no to anybody. 0.96

00:49:28.980 Well, that's part of the problem.

00:49:30.300 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:49:30.780 And it's sometimes you have to like, because yeah, I would be like that forever.

00:49:33.620 And now I started to set my own boundaries.

00:49:35.300 Sometimes I was like, hey, man, I'm having a bad day.

00:49:36.940 I don't feel like it.

00:49:37.960 I'm at the gym.

00:49:38.620 I'm just trying to work out or little things like that.

00:49:40.520 Because you also don't want to interrupt your train of thought sometimes, your imagination

00:49:45.340 or whatever, because every time you like, you know, so sometimes that can be a bit

00:49:49.760 overbearing.

00:49:50.420 You killed it in Sweet Dreams. 0.62

00:49:52.700 Oh, in the movie?

00:49:54.860 Thanks.

00:49:55.300 Killed it in that.

00:49:57.320 Thanks, dude.

00:49:58.680 Yeah.

00:49:59.200 You're... 0.99

00:49:59.760 I wish they had more, I want to say, sex in it. 0.98

00:50:05.900 Okay. 0.97

00:50:07.340 Maybe that's Sweet Dreams, too.

00:50:09.180 Yeah.

00:50:10.060 Me and your character.

00:50:11.340 The sweetest dreams.

00:50:12.900 Yeah, yeah.

00:50:13.960 But you, every...

00:50:15.400 I'm telling you right now, if you wanted to, which I know you're not going to want to do

00:50:20.540 it.

00:50:21.780 I know you.

00:50:23.860 What do you look at me like that?

00:50:25.260 Huh?

00:50:25.880 Why are you looking at me like that?

00:50:27.280 That's how I look.

00:50:28.320 Oh.

00:50:28.540 You're like...

00:50:29.940 Oh, am I?

00:50:30.440 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:50:31.340 If you wanted to, you could be an actor.

00:50:33.460 I know you don't want to, though.

00:50:34.960 You were just so natural up there.

00:50:37.520 Oh, thanks, man.

00:50:38.500 It was cool.

00:50:39.100 Like, I know you don't want to talk about it, but...

00:50:41.340 No, I appreciate it, man.

00:50:42.420 Yeah, I think I would like to make something.

00:50:44.560 I just want to make something of my own.

00:50:46.380 You will.

00:50:46.880 That's the only thing.

00:50:47.720 I don't want to be a part of something anybody else's thing.

00:50:50.960 I understand that, but the test is, and you passed it, I think, is to do a project

00:50:56.640 that, like, you have nothing to do with show up and saying other people's words, and, you

00:51:03.480 know, you're doing it with real actors and people that are, like, been doing it for years

00:51:07.500 and just holding your own and being natural and being good, you know what I mean?

00:51:11.200 And so I just wanted to give you those props, you know, because you really did kill it.

00:51:16.880 Thanks, man.

00:51:17.440 All right.

00:51:17.600 You're welcome.

00:51:17.920 You always do a nice job, man, of saying nice things about people.

00:51:21.060 Where'd you learn that, I wonder?

00:51:22.000 Where'd you learn that?

00:51:27.200 Like, you always do that, where you, like, say something nice about people.

00:51:30.680 I'll tell you why. 0.98

00:51:32.900 Because I hate, this business is, dude, back in the 90s, like, I just put out this fucking 0.98

00:51:39.140 Like, who was you? 0.97

00:51:40.060 You got in a fight with Sinbad or something?

00:51:41.680 Yeah, yeah, no, no, no.

00:51:43.460 No.

00:51:44.140 But check this out, dude.

00:51:45.540 Check, so check this out.

00:51:46.600 So this right here, I just posted this, is a 1998, okay, original room lineup.

00:51:56.100 Wow.

00:51:56.860 Okay.

00:51:57.700 I can't wait to see this, actually.

00:51:59.380 Yeah, and, I mean, look at it.

00:52:03.700 1998.

00:52:05.180 And when I saw this lineup, I was, it brought me back to that time.

00:52:08.640 And in that time in comedy, look at who's in it, they're still around, Schubert's still

00:52:14.720 around, Johnny Sanchez, Argus is still around, Dice is still around, Rogan, Brian Holtzman.

00:52:21.060 Wow.

00:52:21.540 Right?

00:52:22.160 And this is 26 years ago.

00:52:26.400 Wow.

00:52:27.020 Right?

00:52:27.620 Yeah, the whole lineup, this is July 4th, July 2nd, 1998.

00:52:32.480 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:52:33.060 Jonathan Gottsick.

00:52:34.600 Okay, Jonathan Gottsick, one of the funniest guys I've ever met in my life.

00:52:38.000 Still does it?

00:52:38.980 No, he quit.

00:52:39.680 Wow.

00:52:40.900 Dave Pierre.

00:52:42.080 One of the funniest guys. 0.97

00:52:43.020 I mean, I'm looking at it from 1998, Bobby Lee, but I just remember watching those fools 0.98

00:52:48.960 and going, wow, they're funny. 0.98

00:52:50.440 Oh, yeah.

00:52:50.760 Maybe I've evolved or whatever, but love those guys.

00:52:54.100 They don't get here by not having that in them, I don't think.

00:52:56.480 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:52:56.740 Jason Galern, hilarious.

00:52:58.080 Love him.

00:52:58.600 Bobby Lee?

00:53:00.640 Me.

00:53:01.480 Oh.

00:53:01.900 Yep.

00:53:02.260 Sorry.

00:53:02.700 E.L. Gregory.

00:53:03.920 No, don't know who that is.

00:53:04.740 Jimmy Schubert.

00:53:05.800 Love him.

00:53:06.600 Hilarious, dude.

00:53:07.400 Yeah, yeah.

00:53:08.000 Argus Hamilton.

00:53:09.600 Around.

00:53:10.460 Still.

00:53:10.880 Alive, still.

00:53:11.800 Alive, can't believe it.

00:53:12.440 R.I.P., but still here.

00:53:14.040 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:53:14.660 But still here.

00:53:15.580 Still R.I.P.

00:53:16.460 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:53:18.380 Frankie Pace.

00:53:19.620 Pace.

00:53:20.120 Frankie Pace.

00:53:20.880 Frankie Pace.

00:53:21.420 Luke Torres.

00:53:22.040 Andrew Dice Clay.

00:53:23.560 Yeah.

00:53:24.060 Joe Rogan.

00:53:24.640 Brian Holtzman.

00:53:25.600 Yeah.

00:53:26.040 And Rick Wright.

00:53:26.680 So back then, I just remember being a kid.

00:53:30.560 You know what I mean?

00:53:31.280 Because I'm in my early 20s.

00:53:32.700 Yeah.

00:53:33.340 Oh.

00:53:33.980 You all right?

00:53:34.280 And you were the talk of the town.

00:53:35.880 People said when you came out.

00:53:37.220 No, they hated me.

00:53:38.260 Huh? 1.00

00:53:39.320 Are you out of your fucking mind? 1.00

00:53:40.620 They fucking hated me back then. 1.00

00:53:41.940 Really? 0.99

00:53:42.660 Yeah.

00:53:42.860 Dude, I would have like white dudes literally walk up to me and go, hey man, Asians aren't 1.00

00:53:49.020 funny. 0.98

00:53:50.140 Wow.

00:53:50.620 Yeah.

00:53:51.560 I was like-

00:53:52.560 Because of the war or whatever?

00:53:55.540 It's what?

00:53:56.320 I said because of the war or whatever?

00:53:58.580 Which war?

00:53:59.280 Nam?

00:53:59.860 Korean? 0.91

00:54:00.800 No, whatever the latest one was with you guys.

00:54:03.040 I don't know.

00:54:03.860 Yeah.

00:54:04.060 You guys keep-

00:54:04.460 The latest one would be Vietnam. 1.00

00:54:06.440 No, you guys keep starting shit, dude. 1.00

00:54:08.000 I'm just saying- 1.00

00:54:08.580 And we also won that.

00:54:09.600 Okay.

00:54:10.140 We won that one, dude.

00:54:11.460 I agree, bro.

00:54:12.360 Yeah, yeah.

00:54:12.540 Dude, why does everything have to be in war with you, dude?

00:54:14.760 Bro, I'm happy to-

00:54:15.720 In history.

00:54:16.400 I'm happy to go over there and fight for you guys.

00:54:18.820 Next time I'll fight for you guys, dude.

00:54:20.420 Yeah.

00:54:21.540 We-

00:54:21.920 Dude, Vietnam War, you did fight with the South, I think, against the North.

00:54:27.360 I want to fight for you guys.

00:54:28.740 Yeah, I know.

00:54:29.380 You did the Southern part of whatever.

00:54:31.300 I'm not even Vietnamese.

00:54:32.300 In the South one?

00:54:33.040 I'm not Vietnamese.

00:54:33.940 All right.

00:54:34.400 But in Korea, you guys fought with the South.

00:54:37.060 All right.

00:54:37.660 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:54:38.680 Okay.

00:54:39.360 Oh, God, dude. 0.99

00:54:40.460 This guy fucking- 0.99

00:54:41.280 I know, dude. 1.00

00:54:41.700 This is every time I'm with you, dude.

00:54:43.240 I sweat.

00:54:45.320 Well, you got to give a pamphlet or something whenever you see people.

00:54:47.880 I know.

00:54:48.080 But so anyway, let's go back. 0.97

00:54:49.100 So this lineup, back then, it was fucking- 0.98

00:54:52.600 They were- 0.99

00:54:53.080 People were so mean back then.

00:54:54.900 Yeah.

00:54:55.120 And what would they do?

00:54:57.140 They would write stuff on your car or whatever?

00:54:59.080 No, I mean-

00:55:01.300 What do you mean?

00:55:02.080 Like they would, you know, or graffiti or whatever?

00:55:03.900 No, no, no.

00:55:04.340 They wouldn't do stuff like that, but it would be more like, you know, one time I was- I had

00:55:09.100 a list of jokes I was going to try, and a comic picked that out of my hand.

00:55:16.120 And he goes, seen it, seen it, done it, done it, seen it, seen it, done it, and just handed

00:55:21.400 it back to me.

00:55:22.800 You know what I mean? 0.93

00:55:23.760 Just like flat out fucking rude for no fucking reason, because it's like- but now, because 0.96

00:55:30.740 of the internet or whatever, it's just like, you can't- you're not- you can't afford to 0.98

00:55:36.280 act like that.

00:55:37.200 Right.

00:55:37.680 Right?

00:55:37.960 Because it's like, everyone has a shot.

00:55:40.740 Right?

00:55:41.260 And it's like- and I remember back then going, you know, if I'm ever in a position where I

00:55:46.540 can be nice, I'm just going to be-

00:55:48.800 You do it all the time.

00:55:49.820 Yeah, and I feel like- I think I am-

00:55:52.220 You do it well, man.

00:55:53.860 What do you mean, doing nice well?

00:55:55.300 You're nice too. 1.00

00:55:55.940 What the fuck are you talking about? 0.99

00:55:57.480 You do it now. 1.00

00:55:58.020 Are you good at intros?

00:56:00.740 I don't know.

00:56:03.000 Like when you bring people up on stage?

00:56:04.800 Oh, you're pretty good at it.

00:56:07.300 Are you good at it?

00:56:08.080 I like going up after you.

00:56:10.200 I know, but are you good at it?

00:56:11.720 I think I am.

00:56:12.820 All right, so if I'm about to go up, give me an intro.

00:56:15.580 I'll be like, ladies and gentlemen, this next guy, uh, I'll drop him off at a VFW and see

00:56:21.720 how they treat him over there.

00:56:23.540 He is a true hero.

00:56:26.020 You know him from Bad Friends.

00:56:27.800 That's okay, that's good.

00:56:28.460 You know him from different places on the internet.

00:56:35.040 You guys-

00:56:35.800 It's enough, it's enough.

00:56:36.880 It's not good.

00:56:38.660 You guys give it up.

00:56:39.840 No, no, no, no, it's enough.

00:56:41.300 Hold on, sorry.

00:56:41.960 Can I teach you how to do it?

00:56:43.140 You guys give it up for Ken Jeong.

00:56:45.460 No, no.

00:56:46.340 Okay.

00:56:47.720 Can I teach you how to do it?

00:56:48.880 Yes.

00:56:49.420 All right.

00:56:49.680 Like, I think I know.

00:56:51.960 Because you're a master at it, I agree.

00:56:53.000 All right, so, my theory is this.

00:56:56.320 It's like, if you do, like, this next guy, clubs and colleges, and just something that's

00:57:01.920 not specific, right?

00:57:03.380 It's just, the audience can tell.

00:57:05.200 There's no relationship between the two people, right?

00:57:08.580 Yeah.

00:57:09.100 So, you put in personalized things.

00:57:12.340 I remember when I first met this guy, him and I had coffee, and you know what, you personalize

00:57:17.000 it, right?

00:57:17.820 And then you get, you give them specific credits.

00:57:21.320 Instead of clubs and colleges, you go, dude, I saw him in an episode.

00:57:24.520 Like, for me, if I brought you up, I'd be like, dude, I did a movie with this guy called

00:57:28.500 Sweet Dreams.

00:57:28.980 And this guy killed it, and everything, you know, and he's killing it on his day.

00:57:32.740 You know, just be, you personalize it.

00:57:34.760 Yeah.

00:57:35.100 Yeah.

00:57:35.900 Yeah, to let people know that you have a real relationship. 0.99

00:57:39.280 Vietnam, VAW, whatever the fuck you were saying. 0.99

00:57:41.520 VFW. 1.00

00:57:41.960 Whatever you were saying, I wouldn't do that, but, you know.

00:57:44.420 Well.

00:57:44.960 Yeah, okay.

00:57:45.820 I'm just saying, if I took you to a VFW and dropped you off in there, right?

00:57:49.720 What is a VFW?

00:57:50.840 Veterans of Foreign Wars.

00:57:51.720 Oh, that's right.

00:57:53.340 That's right.

00:57:54.160 How long?

00:57:54.600 What do you think?

00:57:55.260 Huh?

00:57:55.960 If I dropped off, you dropped me off at a VFW?

00:57:58.080 If we dressed you up in, like, a Civil War uniform, I'd drop you off at a VFW.

00:58:04.340 Right.

00:58:04.800 I have a musket, right? 1.00

00:58:06.860 You're like, we're going to kill these guys, you know? 0.99

00:58:09.820 Yeah. 0.98

00:58:10.480 And then I have one of those, you know what I mean, mustaches that curl.

00:58:13.360 And one of those round bugles. 0.73

00:58:15.900 Yeah.

00:58:16.500 What do you think that would happen?

00:58:18.040 Yeah.

00:58:18.700 I think they'd be like.

00:58:19.440 They'd call the FBI.

00:58:20.560 Hmm.

00:58:21.560 Yeah.

00:58:22.000 I don't think that'd be good.

00:58:23.160 A lot of white guys would be like.

00:58:25.160 And I walked in.

00:58:26.140 Wow.

00:58:26.500 Okay.

00:58:28.080 Yeah.

00:58:28.520 Yeah.

00:58:29.340 Yeah.

00:58:32.340 When does fast grocery delivery through Instacart matter most?

00:58:36.220 When your famous grainy mustard potato salad isn't so famous without the grainy mustard.

00:58:41.060 When the barbecue's lit, but there's nothing to grill.

00:58:43.740 When the in-laws decide that, actually, they will stay for dinner.

00:58:47.460 Instacart has all your groceries covered this summer.

00:58:50.020 So download the app and get delivery in as fast as 60 minutes.

00:58:53.340 Plus, enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders.

00:58:57.360 Service fees exclusions and terms apply.

00:58:59.580 Instacart.

00:59:00.460 Groceries that over-deliver.

00:59:02.000 Does Blue Chew work?

00:59:04.480 If you're asking that question, well, we want you to know that Blue Chew is putting their

00:59:11.060 money where their mouth is by giving you a month free.

00:59:15.320 Blue Chew is an online service that delivers the same active ingredients as Viagra, Cialis,

00:59:21.780 and Levitra, but at a fraction of the cost and in chewable form.

00:59:27.200 The best part?

00:59:28.140 It's all done online.

00:59:30.540 That means no visits to the doctor's office, no awkward conversations, and no waiting in

00:59:36.520 line at the pharmacy.

00:59:38.460 Blue Chew wants men rock hard. 1.00

00:59:41.240 They told me that's the mission.

00:59:43.400 They will not stop until every man is bricked up like a brick house, hey, brickie, till every 0.93

00:59:50.800 tent is pitched, till every rod is raised.

00:59:54.760 What are we talking about?

00:59:55.960 Discover your options at bluechew.com.

00:59:59.860 And we've got a special deal for our listeners.

01:00:02.900 Try Blue Chew free when you use our promo code Theo at checkout.

01:00:08.240 Just pay $5 shipping.

01:00:09.820 That's bluechew.com, promo code Theo, to receive your first month free.

01:00:16.960 Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information.

01:00:21.720 And we thank Blue Chew for sponsoring the podcast.

01:00:25.500 This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

01:00:29.420 If you've ever considered therapy for yourself, or if you think a loved one is struggling and

01:00:36.220 could use someone to talk to, BetterHelp is a great option.

01:00:41.360 I've used them.

01:00:42.680 I enjoy it.

01:00:43.860 What I like about BetterHelp is you can switch therapists at any time.

01:00:48.280 And I encourage you to do that.

01:00:50.220 Don't feel like, oh, the therapist is going to be upset if I can't see them again.

01:00:54.040 It's all about you getting better.

01:00:56.560 It's entirely online, BetterHelp is, and it's designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited

01:01:04.320 to your schedule.

01:01:06.780 Rediscover yourself.

01:01:08.400 Get comfortable with who you are.

01:01:10.620 Have someone to help you feel better or talk to.

01:01:15.420 Visit betterhelp.com slash Theo today to get 10% off your first month.

01:01:21.900 Rediscover your curiosity with BetterHelp.

01:01:24.840 That's better, H-E-L-P, betterhelp.com slash Theo to get 10% off your first month.

01:01:34.080 Dude, did you see that pull up that, um, there was, there was one lady that covered the Trump 0.90

01:01:38.020 thing.

01:01:38.220 I think it was an Asian lady. 1.00

01:01:39.740 Do you see the thing, uh, covered the, at that time that we interviewed Trump, this is

01:01:44.140 kind of self-aggrandizing or whatever.

01:01:46.240 Oh, here we go.

01:01:46.840 But that's not even all.

01:01:49.800 Trump has wooed this hyper-masculine online culture deeply.

01:01:54.840 During a recent podcast with the comedian Theo Warren, instead of talking about economy

01:02:01.440 or immigration or healthcare or the global conflicts, they discussed cocaine addiction.

01:02:09.520 Trump?

01:02:10.240 No.

01:02:11.560 Did you?

01:02:12.260 Did you really?

01:02:13.420 Yeah.

01:02:13.980 What'd you ask him?

01:02:14.880 Have you ever asked him if he did coke?

01:02:16.400 He doesn't do coke, right?

01:02:17.200 He's never done drugs.

01:02:18.040 He doesn't drink, doesn't smoke.

01:02:20.000 Don't drink, don't smoke.

01:02:21.340 Yeah.

01:02:22.120 Cocaine addiction.

01:02:25.140 What did you ask him though?

01:02:27.220 Um...

01:02:27.620 What's up with cocaine addiction?

01:02:28.680 I just, we talked about addiction.

01:02:29.800 His brother died from addiction.

01:02:30.940 Oh, wow.

01:02:31.980 So we talked to, from alcoholism, I'm sorry.

01:02:34.040 So we talked about that and then we talked about why he never drank or smoked.

01:02:37.880 He kind of led on that he thought there could be some tendencies that he could have the same

01:02:41.740 thing his brother had.

01:02:42.500 So I think he didn't want, you know, he had fear about that.

01:02:45.820 I can't, you know, I don't, do you understand that or no?

01:02:49.340 What, your brother having something you have, you mean?

01:02:51.160 No.

01:02:51.820 No, no, no.

01:02:52.960 Because I've met like, I remember like Dane Cook was like that.

01:02:55.980 Like, I don't drink or do drugs.

01:02:58.040 Carlos Mencia for a while was like that too, where I was like, I don't touch that stuff.

01:03:01.540 Like, to me, it's like, I love it.

01:03:04.640 Yeah.

01:03:05.100 You love it?

01:03:05.880 So, yeah, because I just, I think I don't, I, over time, I don't, my, my natural state,

01:03:11.720 I think, wasn't my favorite throughout my life, probably how I felt.

01:03:15.720 So if I could change that in some way, then I want to do that.

01:03:19.400 So those are the things you change it with either, you know, stuff like that, I think.

01:03:24.780 I just don't like feelings.

01:03:27.320 Yeah.

01:03:28.000 Wow.

01:03:28.280 That's interesting.

01:03:29.680 I don't.

01:03:30.280 Any kind, it's like, I, and I'm sober now, and I've, and I've been able to like, kind of,

01:03:36.080 what my therapist says is to like, kind of just identify what you're feeling, right?

01:03:42.240 And feel it, you know?

01:03:43.900 And I, but I never liked them.

01:03:47.620 I never liked depression or sadness or trauma or anything.

01:03:51.500 I, when you, I, I just, I just, it doesn't sit well in my body.

01:03:56.140 You know what I mean?

01:03:56.580 So it's like, I always like consume things so that, but it's, you know, but that's more

01:04:00.740 destructive, you know?

01:04:02.020 And so that's why I'm sober.

01:04:03.260 And I, I'm, I feel pretty free now.

01:04:05.720 And I, I think I can handle most emotions.

01:04:08.000 Well, you take it on a lot more social.

01:04:09.500 You've been a lot more social, I think, in the past two years, it seems like.

01:04:12.220 Social?

01:04:12.540 What do you mean?

01:04:12.980 Just like trying to stay busy, do more things, right?

01:04:15.420 Like actually put yourself out into situations and stuff.

01:04:18.800 Dude, I think I never, like you said, I didn't ever like having feelings.

01:04:22.800 I, like, no matter how I felt, I felt ashamed of how I felt.

01:04:28.160 That was weird, you know?

01:04:29.520 Yeah.

01:04:30.140 Like, it's a lot of times I wouldn't feel good.

01:04:31.720 And this, I'm trying to, I'm not getting into self-pity.

01:04:33.320 I'm just saying, I'm not saying this.

01:04:34.700 I feel fine today.

01:04:35.720 But sometimes I wouldn't feel good.

01:04:37.420 And then I would feel ashamed for not feeling good.

01:04:39.980 That's the part that I didn't understand sometimes.

01:04:42.260 Because that made it so hard to, like, figure out the first part, you know?

01:04:47.920 Does it make any sense or no?

01:04:48.920 Yeah, it makes, like, a lot of sense.

01:04:51.680 And it just, I just, it just struck me that, I don't want to get too sentimental with you.

01:04:59.940 But there are times where I really believe this, that I feel concerned about you.

01:05:07.320 Really?

01:05:08.280 Yeah.

01:05:09.800 I just, because I, you know, I, because I don't know really what's going on.

01:05:15.940 You know, I feel like, you know, there was a time where, that we talked more and there was more communication.

01:05:23.200 But let's face it.

01:05:25.600 You've risen a little bit.

01:05:26.920 I know you hate to, it's hard to hear.

01:05:29.200 It's hard to hear.

01:05:30.320 It's hard to hear that you've risen.

01:05:31.880 But you have.

01:05:32.480 Well, things have gotten, things have gotten busier.

01:05:34.020 Things are so good for you, right?

01:05:35.840 And I think with that rise, right, there's, like, more of a disconnect with your friends because you're so busy and, you know, you're doing other things.

01:05:43.820 I get it.

01:05:44.760 But it's, like, I'm always concerned about, like, you know, you know, if you're sober, if, like, is he going to meetings?

01:05:51.980 You know, is he, you know, I mean, talking to people about things that are going on.

01:05:57.580 You know, I, you know, I always feel like things are probably good with you, but it's, like, I have to admit that there is, you know, concern.

01:06:07.700 I don't know why.

01:06:08.400 I mean, because I love you.

01:06:09.480 No, I appreciate it.

01:06:09.960 No, I mean, I love you.

01:06:11.860 Love you too.

01:06:12.160 You know that, right?

01:06:12.800 Yeah.

01:06:13.160 Okay.

01:06:14.420 Yeah, I think, yeah, it's kind of been, I know this is a comedy podcast, but it's, like, you know, I just, I don't care.

01:06:19.300 And I just have to say that because it's, like, because I've seen it.

01:06:23.600 I've seen people rise and then, you know, they get lost.

01:06:28.100 And then also there's people around them that don't necessarily care and they're just in it for the ride.

01:06:33.020 I don't know who you're surrounding yourself with or whatever.

01:06:35.500 You know what I mean?

01:06:35.800 So, you know what I mean?

01:06:36.300 You're probably healthy and doing well.

01:06:37.780 I don't know.

01:06:38.380 But it's, like, there is a concern that, like, you know, maybe, you know what I mean?

01:06:43.920 It's alone when you get higher up.

01:06:47.000 There's more loneliness.

01:06:48.720 Yeah.

01:06:49.740 I mean, how are you doing?

01:06:50.500 I don't know.

01:06:50.740 I mean, I think podcasting makes me feel pretty connected to people, you know?

01:06:54.600 I think me not living here has been, it's been good, but it's also been I don't get to see a lot of people as much.

01:07:00.960 I don't get to see a lot of my guys from AA.

01:07:03.100 I think, yeah, my sober program hasn't been that good the past month for sure.

01:07:07.920 And so I think really two months, like, or probably the past month.

01:07:12.320 But just, yeah, not being able to, like, you know, it's like I'll work late and so then I don't want to make the morning Zoom meeting

01:07:18.360 or make the, you know, and then I'll get up late and then it's like I try to go to the gym.

01:07:22.200 Then I'll miss the noon in-person meeting.

01:07:24.460 So just, yeah, I got to touch base with some people.

01:07:27.740 Dude, I was in Butte.

01:07:28.900 Get honest and get tight.

01:07:30.200 Yeah.

01:07:30.380 I was in Butte for a month, Montana.

01:07:33.460 For a month?

01:07:34.240 For doing what?

01:07:34.900 I did a movie.

01:07:36.580 And they're like, Butte, there's nothing to do.

01:07:39.140 And one day I was in my hotel room, there was nothing to do.

01:07:41.980 And I called one of the guys that lives there and I go, can you give me an AA schedule?

01:07:46.560 And I tracked a couple of times all the way this, like, in the boonies.

01:07:51.120 Oh, yeah.

01:07:51.760 And I walk into the school and, like, there's old white people with oxygen tanks and, like, you know what I mean? 1.00

01:07:56.680 And obviously they've never seen an Asian walk into an AA meeting there.

01:08:04.360 Yeah.

01:08:04.680 I never saw one black person in Butte.

01:08:06.380 Yeah.

01:08:06.800 So when I walked in, it was just like, Charlie, you know what I mean?

01:08:09.580 Yeah.

01:08:10.140 You know, they get Vietnam flashbacks, you know what I mean?

01:08:12.960 Get down, get down. 0.99

01:08:14.320 You know what I mean?

01:08:14.800 You know what I mean?

01:08:15.320 No, I'm in AA too, you know what I mean?

01:08:17.380 And when I'm sitting there, right, even though, like, you know, we don't have the same lifestyles that these people, right, you know,

01:08:25.500 at least I can say to myself, like, you know, I'm trying.

01:08:29.180 You know, I'm trying to, like, take care of myself on a daily basis.

01:08:34.860 And, dude, one fucking, I went to a meeting and, you know, because there's only two Uber drivers in Butte. 0.91

01:08:43.520 And this guy came, this guy just sitting next to me, he goes, hey, man, my name is Derek. 0.98

01:08:50.520 And I go, thank you.

01:08:51.120 And he goes, I'm a fan.

01:08:52.340 And he goes, you want to ride home?

01:08:55.140 A fan, you mean?

01:08:56.100 Yeah.

01:08:57.080 What do you mean?

01:08:58.000 Like an Asian? 1.00

01:08:59.980 No, not like that fan.

01:09:01.520 Oh, okay.

01:09:02.040 Like a dad fan.

01:09:03.380 It was a dad fan.

01:09:04.280 I didn't know.

01:09:04.820 No, it was just like a fan of, you know what I mean?

01:09:06.520 Yeah.

01:09:06.840 Of mine.

01:09:07.520 Yeah.

01:09:07.740 And my comedy.

01:09:08.420 Yeah, yeah.

01:09:09.040 Right.

01:09:09.280 And then he, and then so I get in the car with his wife.

01:09:11.660 Hmm.

01:09:12.680 And we go the opposite direction.

01:09:14.400 No.

01:09:15.040 Of the hotel. 0.99

01:09:16.960 They want to watch you fucking throw that little yavulin, man. 1.00

01:09:20.380 Long strokes? 0.99

01:09:20.940 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:09:22.840 And so then I go, hey, my hotel's that way.

01:09:26.920 Like, we know, man.

01:09:28.300 I go, where are we going?

01:09:29.560 You're going to our house.

01:09:31.220 Wow.

01:09:31.760 Right?

01:09:32.340 So I go to this house.

01:09:33.920 And they want me to meet their kids.

01:09:35.680 Nuh-uh.

01:09:36.280 Yeah.

01:09:37.020 How old were the kids?

01:09:38.680 I don't know, but they were little white kids.

01:09:40.540 Oh, too young.

01:09:41.060 So they came up. 0.99

01:09:42.220 There's these two dogs that fucking jump on top of us. 0.99

01:09:44.620 Oh, yeah. 1.00

01:09:45.100 And then there's these white kids that come out of the room, right? 0.99

01:09:49.360 Wiping their, you know what I mean?

01:09:50.580 Yeah.

01:09:50.760 They're not crying.

01:09:51.520 They're, you know, they're just, that's how they, when they wake up.

01:09:53.800 Yeah, yeah.

01:09:54.500 Like that.

01:09:55.160 And they're like, yeah, our mommy took us to Missoula and gave us $300 for school clothes. 1.00

01:10:01.700 Fuck. 1.00

01:10:02.100 I got to beat their ass. 1.00

01:10:03.360 No, you can't beat their ass. 1.00

01:10:04.960 Yeah, you can, dude. 1.00

01:10:06.220 Like, fuck you, bitch. 1.00

01:10:07.300 Did they have $300, dude? 1.00

01:10:09.820 To split amongst them?

01:10:10.640 My mom gave me $30 from the time I was age five to the time I was age 18.

01:10:15.320 Oh, you're right.

01:10:15.860 You're right.

01:10:16.100 You're right.

01:10:16.320 Yeah.

01:10:16.900 So $300.

01:10:18.060 But I was in that house for like 45 minutes.

01:10:21.140 Yeah.

01:10:21.500 It sounds like you're, why would you, it sounds like you're wasting your time.

01:10:24.220 No, but I don't know.

01:10:25.800 What I'm saying is I'm willing to go to like these lengths.

01:10:28.640 Any lengths.

01:10:28.860 I see.

01:10:29.340 To like just whatever, you know what I mean?

01:10:31.060 Yeah.

01:10:31.220 And they're, they're super sweet.

01:10:33.080 Yeah.

01:10:33.280 I didn't think I was going to get like, imagine if I was in a well in the basement.

01:10:37.840 Yeah.

01:10:38.320 Right.

01:10:38.880 And you're like, what would you have to throw down?

01:10:40.020 You get two things thrown into the well. 1.00

01:10:41.440 Oh shit. 1.00

01:10:44.500 Oh shit. 1.00

01:10:45.060 Yeah. 1.00

01:10:45.220 Oh, so I would lube.

01:10:47.660 No, no, no, no.

01:10:48.660 That's not good.

01:10:49.420 I mean, if you're going to also use it as a beverage, I think it's fine.

01:10:53.440 You're right.

01:10:53.920 You're right.

01:10:54.220 Two things that water. 0.97

01:10:55.780 Yeah.

01:10:56.220 Right.

01:10:57.020 And then food.

01:10:58.620 Oh yeah.

01:10:59.200 Like Jersey, Jersey Mike's or seeds.

01:11:01.900 Plant your own.

01:11:02.420 Oh yeah.

01:11:02.900 Yeah.

01:11:03.440 But, oh, but you don't have a, it depends on how long it takes to grow. 0.99

01:11:05.840 Or you could also eat the fingernails that are in the fucking, right? 0.98

01:11:09.440 That's protein, right? 0.99

01:11:11.980 Is that protein?

01:11:12.920 Yeah.

01:11:13.400 I would just, the fingernails, right?

01:11:15.580 And eat them, you know what I mean?

01:11:16.500 A little bit of wall caviar.

01:11:18.560 Yeah.

01:11:19.120 I would be so frightened.

01:11:20.120 Would you be frightened?

01:11:21.180 Oh, I would be so scared, dude.

01:11:23.000 Yeah.

01:11:23.140 And I would probably, what would I do down there?

01:11:25.740 Sing a lot.

01:11:27.620 And you'd have to hold your pee-pee or your. 0.56

01:11:30.140 There's an echo.

01:11:30.980 So what song would you hear, sing?

01:11:33.240 I would, I would sing, um.

01:11:34.820 I know what.

01:11:35.700 Oh, little town of Bethlehem.

01:11:37.440 That's a good one.

01:11:38.820 For me, Edelweiss.

01:11:41.420 Edelweiss?

01:11:41.860 Imagine, I'm in a wow, and I just go, Edelweiss, Edelweiss, right?

01:11:55.360 You get a shrimp.

01:11:56.220 And they just, they throw a shrimp.

01:11:58.140 What's the shrimp down there? 0.99

01:12:00.200 They catch it like a fucking wall run? 0.99

01:12:01.720 Okay. 1.00

01:12:02.140 There's drugs, dude.

01:12:03.160 Is there a lot of drugs right now?

01:12:04.460 I've been hearing there's a lot of drugs in the, uh, in the Asian community. 0.97

01:12:07.260 A lot of trank or whatever.

01:12:08.920 I've been hearing there's like a lot of, um.

01:12:10.880 Dude.

01:12:11.180 I've been hearing that trank is the big thing in the Asian community. 1.00

01:12:13.960 Is that true?

01:12:14.800 Like chanks for trank or whatever? 1.00

01:12:18.760 It's like, just hear me out.

01:12:20.920 All right.

01:12:21.280 It's like if I said to you, man, I heard there's a lot of shoelaces in the white community. 0.92

01:12:26.480 Yeah.

01:12:26.940 Does that make any sense to you?

01:12:29.660 Like, why would, like, honestly.

01:12:32.000 Okay. 1.00

01:12:32.440 Man, I heard there's a lot of fucking, uh, um, glitter in the black community. 1.00

01:12:36.740 I mean, it doesn't make, whatever you're saying, does it, I feel like you're just coming up with Asian shit. 1.00

01:12:43.740 Yeah. 1.00

01:12:44.420 Yeah.

01:12:44.960 You're just like, you're just like, I heard there's a lot of, you know what I mean?

01:12:47.600 Google.

01:12:48.000 No, no, no, no, no.

01:12:48.900 Don't Google.

01:12:49.660 Well, no, what I'm saying is, is that, do you, no, I'm so, you make me so mad sometimes, dude.

01:12:54.680 Really?

01:12:55.060 No, I'm fine.

01:12:56.220 I'm sorry.

01:12:57.260 No, no, no, no. 0.99

01:12:58.280 Google Asians for trank. 1.00

01:12:58.760 Google Asians on drugs. 1.00

01:12:59.900 Asians for trank. 1.00

01:13:02.700 DEA reports widespread, uh. 0.98

01:13:04.820 Wait, wait, it's purple?

01:13:05.980 So you've looked it up before.

01:13:07.780 I haven't.

01:13:08.680 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:13:09.320 Why would you look that up already?

01:13:10.980 These guys, some of these guys live here all night.

01:13:13.360 So DEA reports widespread threat of fentanyl mixed with xylazine.

01:13:19.080 I mean, that's trank, daddy.

01:13:20.040 Yeah. 0.95

01:13:20.240 Where does it say Asians on that?

01:13:21.720 Well, let's see.

01:13:22.400 It's going to get there.

01:13:23.580 Xylazine is making the deadliest drug threat our country has ever faced.

01:13:27.380 Fentanyl even deadlier, said Administrator Milgram of the DEA.

01:13:31.600 The DEA has seen xylazine and fentanyl mixed in 48 of 50 states.

01:13:35.820 The system is reporting that in 2022, approximately 23% of fentanyl powder

01:13:39.960 and 7% of fentanyl pills seized by the DEA contained xylazine.

01:13:43.880 Okay, I know where the Asian comes from.

01:13:46.360 Can I tell you where?

01:13:47.180 Yeah.

01:13:47.980 This is what you read.

01:13:49.160 Xylazine is making the deadliest drug threat our country has ever faced.

01:13:52.300 Fentanyl, even deadlier.

01:13:54.180 Said Administration Milgram.

01:13:55.780 And it says right here, um, no, up there.

01:13:59.380 Also known as trank.

01:14:01.960 Yeah.

01:14:02.280 You think that's an Asian word?

01:14:04.060 Trank.

01:14:04.880 It's not.

01:14:05.640 But trank is obviously an Asian name.

01:14:08.000 Yeah, I know, but you can't.

01:14:10.420 You know what I'm talking about?

01:14:11.360 I know what you're talking about, but I'm just saying that's not what it's referring to.

01:14:15.120 I think it's referring to tranquilizer.

01:14:17.440 Oh, I see what you're saying.

01:14:18.260 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:14:18.680 So what I'm saying is it's like, you know what I mean?

01:14:20.760 Tranquilizer.

01:14:21.160 Yeah.

01:14:21.740 Yeah, I thought it was like, um, trank seems like a Vietnamese or Korean nickname.

01:14:28.820 You agree?

01:14:29.920 Trank. 0.97

01:14:30.780 Trunk?

01:14:31.020 I just.

01:14:34.100 Like Matt, like Matthew Trunk?

01:14:36.420 I know, I know.

01:14:37.180 Matthew Trunk.

01:14:38.100 Yeah, I know.

01:14:38.760 Graduate.

01:14:39.940 I know.

01:14:40.820 Graduate.

01:14:41.440 Sociology major.

01:14:42.900 Yeah, so dude, I want to let you know, dude. 0.91

01:14:44.600 But that is trank.

01:14:45.460 That's Fentanyl.

01:14:45.880 I understand, but that has nothing to do with Asians.

01:14:48.000 Okay.

01:14:48.540 Okay, let's just move on.

01:14:49.480 Google, go to images then.

01:14:51.560 See if we get any.

01:14:55.440 Okay, here we go.

01:14:57.220 Yeah, you're right, maybe.

01:14:58.920 Right there.

01:14:59.500 You tell me that face is in ASEAN?

01:15:06.200 I think you're right. 0.94

01:15:08.520 Asians for trank? 1.00

01:15:10.140 Yeah, yeah, I think you're right. 0.96

01:15:11.860 Well, you know, I learned something new.

01:15:13.140 Thank you.

01:15:13.500 I'm sorry for attacking you.

01:15:14.900 Yeah, it's okay, man.

01:15:16.000 It breaks my heart, though.

01:15:18.840 It's just sad.

01:15:19.520 Is this someone on trank right here?

01:15:20.500 Look at her sneakers. 0.95

01:15:21.280 She is a brand new druggie. 1.00

01:15:23.300 Oh, this is somebody on trank, dude. 0.94

01:15:24.840 I'm on Fentanyl.

01:15:26.900 Dude, can you pause that for a second?

01:15:30.060 Dude, sometimes people with their own Fentanyl, it's almost as if they're doing yoga, but then they freeze.

01:15:36.320 Like, I want to do Downward Dog.

01:15:37.500 Oh, it's so sad.

01:15:43.080 I shouldn't have even made a joke like that.

01:15:44.720 Well, it's sad that it's just like...

01:15:45.920 Have you ever done Fentanyl?

01:15:47.420 No, I hope not.

01:15:48.320 Yeah, me either. 0.82

01:15:49.420 Because I remember years ago, Vicodin really fucked me up.

01:15:52.720 Really?

01:15:53.280 I was addicted to Vicodin for two years.

01:15:54.240 Would you take it at night or during the day?

01:15:55.880 All day long.

01:15:57.420 Like, from like...

01:15:58.240 Dude, I got...

01:15:59.500 Dude, Drew Barrymore...

01:16:01.260 I swear to God, I think still hates me because of that.

01:16:05.520 Wow.

01:16:06.120 I'll tell you why.

01:16:06.820 For doing Vicodin? 0.99

01:16:07.660 No, because I used to have a bowl of Vicodin in my fucking dressing room at Matt TV. 0.98

01:16:14.420 And the Strokes played one night. 0.99

01:16:16.280 Oh, wow.

01:16:17.120 Right?

01:16:17.540 Yeah.

01:16:17.900 And I guess the drummer was dating Drew Barrymore.

01:16:20.520 Right?

01:16:20.940 He was trying to get sober or something like that.

01:16:22.960 But they all ended up going into my room and eating all my pills.

01:16:27.180 Yeah.

01:16:27.600 You know, because I'm generous.

01:16:28.780 Yeah. 1.00

01:16:29.180 Eh, fuck it. 1.00

01:16:29.740 Go get it, right? 1.00

01:16:30.500 And then I heard that she was mad at me. 0.91

01:16:34.700 Because you had the...

01:16:35.520 It's not your fault.

01:16:36.460 That's true.

01:16:37.540 It's not your fault that you had them.

01:16:39.480 I know.

01:16:39.820 That's true.

01:16:40.360 We can't...

01:16:40.700 You know, it's weird to blame the dealer unless the dealer was like pushing them on you.

01:16:43.360 Were you pushing them on them?

01:16:44.820 Yeah.

01:16:47.320 I was.

01:16:48.360 Dude, I'm sorry if I'm being rude.

01:16:49.560 I feel now...

01:16:50.140 Am I being like...

01:16:50.940 Dude, what are you talking about, dude?

01:16:52.300 All right.

01:16:53.600 There's...

01:16:54.200 Listen, guy...

01:17:00.500 What?

01:17:03.040 What?

01:17:05.320 Okay.

01:17:06.320 Listen, guy.

01:17:07.140 Yeah.

01:17:08.520 What are you doing?

01:17:10.220 I'm listening.

01:17:10.960 Oh, that's you?

01:17:11.820 Yeah, I'm listening.

01:17:15.500 You...

01:17:16.020 If I'm really mad...

01:17:17.460 Well, you know, because you didn't give me your number for a long time.

01:17:20.600 Yeah.

01:17:20.780 But you know that when I have a resentment...

01:17:22.780 I didn't know it also.

01:17:24.180 Yeah, you did. 1.00

01:17:24.960 Fuck off. 1.00

01:17:25.820 All right. 1.00

01:17:26.380 Yeah. 1.00

01:17:26.760 Fuck you, dude. 1.00

01:17:27.740 You're right. 1.00

01:17:28.280 Yeah, yeah.

01:17:29.880 If I was mad at you, I'm very comfortable of going, listen, I have an issue.

01:17:36.060 Have you ever had an issue with me?

01:17:37.220 Be honest.

01:17:39.800 Have you ever had a resentment toward me?

01:17:41.240 Like, I wish he didn't do that or...

01:17:43.740 No, sometimes I feel like it's a little tough to try and get to know you, kind of.

01:17:47.120 But I think it's tough to try and get to know comedians, you know?

01:17:53.040 Yeah, but that being said, I mean, I'm a comedian, right?

01:17:54.940 It's hard to know any comedian.

01:17:56.400 And I think you're...

01:17:57.120 People...

01:17:57.460 Everybody loves you so much that it's like you want that guy to know...

01:17:59.880 You want to know that guy better, I think, you know?

01:18:03.380 Dude, I...

01:18:04.800 Out of all the comics I know, I feel like I'm closest...

01:18:09.800 You're one of the closest ones to me.

01:18:12.040 And if that...

01:18:12.560 I mean, I'm trying my best.

01:18:14.620 You know what I mean?

01:18:15.260 I like you.

01:18:16.100 I like Bert.

01:18:16.860 I like Whitney.

01:18:17.660 I love Andrew.

01:18:18.620 You know what I mean?

01:18:19.200 Tom Segura.

01:18:20.580 You know what I mean?

01:18:21.180 But it's like, you know, I try, dude.

01:18:23.320 And you're busy.

01:18:24.820 Yeah, I'm pretty busy.

01:18:26.000 You know what I mean?

01:18:26.360 But it's like, you know, we do the best we can with what we have.

01:18:29.420 Yeah.

01:18:29.780 And what's going on, you know?

01:18:31.280 You are...

01:18:32.040 You are...

01:18:32.860 You are...

01:18:33.500 You are...

01:18:34.120 You are...

01:18:35.120 You are...

01:18:35.720 You are...

01:18:35.740 You are...

01:18:35.760 You are...

01:18:37.880 Baby!

01:18:39.440 Baby!

01:18:39.760 Donk, donk, donk, donk, donk, donk, donk.

01:18:42.640 Are you a gun owner or not? 0.74

01:18:44.220 Nah.

01:18:45.320 You a gun owner?

01:18:45.920 Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

01:18:46.540 You know what I'm going to know?

01:18:47.360 Numchucks. 0.98

01:18:48.960 Numchucks, dude. 0.83

01:18:49.900 Chinese stars, dude.

01:18:51.120 Yeah, yeah.

01:18:51.980 Yeah, I do the Chinese stars.

01:18:53.660 Yeah.

01:18:54.560 Ever used Chinese stars?

01:18:56.020 No, I never use it.

01:18:56.860 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:18:57.640 Oh, well, well, well.

01:19:03.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:19:03.780 I lie, I lie.

01:19:04.480 No.

01:19:05.380 That's not a real gun, dude.

01:19:06.500 God, what?

01:19:07.540 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:19:08.880 That's a real...

01:19:09.600 Or is that one of those guns that starts a race?

01:19:12.980 Is that what that is? 1.00

01:19:14.180 You idiot. 1.00

01:19:14.520 Ready, set, go. 1.00

01:19:15.380 Like, yeah, yeah.

01:19:15.920 The burglars just run off?

01:19:18.160 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:19:18.580 When you fire it?

01:19:19.420 Yeah.

01:19:19.880 That's a plastic BB kind of a gun.

01:19:21.860 What's the other one?

01:19:22.440 It's still a gun.

01:19:23.980 And that looks like a gun.

01:19:25.080 Yeah, yeah, but that was on a TV show.

01:19:26.840 Yeah.

01:19:27.340 Yeah, yeah.

01:19:27.800 So, um...

01:19:28.540 Wow.

01:19:29.080 Look at that acting.

01:19:29.920 That's Miami Vice, huh? 1.00

01:19:30.720 Fucking terrible. 0.99

01:19:32.140 No. 1.00

01:19:32.680 Isn't it?

01:19:33.340 It was Magnum.

01:19:34.520 Yeah.

01:19:35.160 Well, I'm what?

01:19:36.120 Have you been dating a lot or not?

01:19:38.700 All right, let's...

01:19:39.280 You want to get into it?

01:19:40.080 Yeah, because it seems like a lot of stories you tell have had dating in them.

01:19:42.600 I'm trying to...

01:19:47.280 Okay.

01:19:48.960 I'm trying to find the love of my life.

01:19:53.300 Are you really?

01:19:55.580 I think I'm ready.

01:19:57.660 Okay, bud.

01:19:59.300 You look like Stevie right now.

01:20:01.980 How are you doing?

01:20:03.520 No, I...

01:20:04.840 Listen, I'm...

01:20:07.840 I like some of the girls that I'm dating now, but they're kind of flaky. 0.72

01:20:13.320 Like, you know, like, I won't call in on a Thursday, because I know...

01:20:17.820 Because I've said, like, let's go to dinner and hang out, right?

01:20:21.300 And so, then Thursday will come around like, nah, I don't want to do it now or I'm busy. 0.97

01:20:25.620 Like, bitch, I sacrificed stage time. 1.00

01:20:29.280 You know how valuable stage time is? 1.00

01:20:31.880 Yeah.

01:20:32.400 You know what I mean? 1.00

01:20:32.760 It's like, so it's like that kind of shit. 0.99

01:20:34.460 And then it's like, yeah, I just... 0.99

01:20:38.580 And also, do I fully trust them?

01:20:44.060 You know what I mean?

01:20:44.420 I think so, man.

01:20:45.300 No, I want to be able to find somebody that I fully can confide in and go, this is how I feel.

01:20:51.940 You know what I mean?

01:20:52.360 And I want somebody to also give me suggestions or, like, feedback that I kind of honor and respect and go, oh, yeah, that's a good, you know, angle.

01:21:03.640 You know what I mean?

01:21:03.940 It's just like...

01:21:05.120 But then also, I want somebody hot, right?

01:21:07.560 So to find that combination, you know what I mean?

01:21:09.840 You want somebody you're attracted to.

01:21:11.220 Yeah, somebody I'm attracted to.

01:21:12.020 Like, what I find attractive isn't necessarily what you think.

01:21:16.140 I think so, though.

01:21:16.900 I think you and I like the same, maybe.

01:21:18.220 I don't know.

01:21:19.260 You don't?

01:21:19.740 No, I never...

01:21:20.940 The couple of girls I've seen you with over the years are people, I mean, are people that I would be like...

01:21:27.700 I mean, there's this one girl that you used to see that I just thought you should marry, but...

01:21:32.540 Yeah.

01:21:36.720 I remember.

01:21:38.340 Hey, what's up, dude?

01:21:39.680 Because I just saw regret there.

01:21:40.820 I just saw regret there, dude.

01:21:42.880 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:21:43.440 I just couldn't get it.

01:21:44.220 But that's the thing.

01:21:45.520 I think that you and I have the same kind of issues.

01:21:48.300 I think we have intimacy issues.

01:21:49.740 Oh, yeah.

01:21:50.280 Yeah, yeah.

01:21:50.660 And I think that it's hard for us to get really vulnerable.

01:21:54.240 I mean, I had that with Kalilah for 10 years, but she was the first one in many, many years that I could do that with.

01:21:59.740 There's just something about her that I was able to, like...

01:22:02.820 We were able to do that, right?

01:22:04.660 But it's like...

01:22:05.680 But did the intimacy freeze up after a while?

01:22:07.540 Like, it was hard to, like, be, like, sensual or whatever?

01:22:12.840 You know, the truth is, is I think that...

01:22:16.540 Oh, God. 0.98

01:22:17.200 I can't fucking... 0.98

01:22:18.840 I think it's this... 0.99

01:22:21.280 You want me to say, f*** it or not? 0.99

01:22:23.320 No, no, no, no, no. 1.00

01:22:24.200 Okay.

01:22:24.420 What I want to say...

01:22:25.060 Don't say that.

01:22:25.740 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:22:26.140 But what I want to say is the problem with us, because, number one, we go up on stage, right?

01:22:35.700 And what's more exciting than that?

01:22:37.940 The business inherently is super exciting, and there's dopamine hits.

01:22:42.620 Right.

01:22:42.760 I'm going to get a lot of feeling from right there.

01:22:44.680 Right.

01:22:45.020 And so then, also, you and I are also recovering drug addicts, so we like excitement, right?

01:22:53.820 And we don't like the same old thing, right?

01:22:56.480 So there is something about meeting somebody new, right?

01:23:00.320 Right.

01:23:00.500 It's almost like you get that, yeah, you get that forgetful syndrome.

01:23:03.480 It's like you...

01:23:03.860 Right.

01:23:04.380 Yeah. 0.89

01:23:04.580 But at the end of the day, and I've never said this out loud before, and I think I f***ed

01:23:11.680 it up with Kalilah, and I think that I wish I would have done it over again, because that

01:23:15.880 would have changed something, right?

01:23:17.520 At this point, it's too late, you know what I mean?

01:23:19.880 We both have moved on, but there's a lot of regret there.

01:23:23.860 And I swear to God, dude, I will, the next girl I meet that, you know, and there's a

01:23:34.460 couple of girls that have potential, I'll be honest with you, right now, but the next 0.99

01:23:39.300 thing, I'm going to do it differently.

01:23:41.320 Number one, I'm going to get rid of all my machines.

01:23:45.440 Wow, really?

01:23:46.840 Yep.

01:23:47.940 I have a vacuum cleaner.

01:23:52.440 And what is that, like a sex thing?

01:23:53.860 Or something?

01:23:54.660 Or you mean an actual carpet cleaner?

01:23:56.440 No.

01:23:57.500 Dude, I showed up at Bad Friends one day, and somebody had sent me something that, I swear

01:24:03.060 to God, is the size of a vacuum cleaner, right?

01:24:07.340 It was like this big.

01:24:08.400 Yeah.

01:24:08.700 With all these tubes and stuff. 0.99

01:24:10.240 It was a sex toy. 0.97

01:24:11.340 No. 0.98

01:24:11.860 Yeah.

01:24:13.060 Of course, I took it home.

01:24:14.800 And you used it?

01:24:15.580 I plugged in it.

01:24:16.300 Oh, dude, I have so many of them.

01:24:18.680 Oh.

01:24:19.120 I have so many of them.

01:24:20.040 And I stick it in.

01:24:21.180 I doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot.

01:24:22.360 And what does it play?

01:24:25.560 It just Beethoven's here or whatever?

01:24:27.700 Yeah.

01:24:28.400 Yeah, yeah.

01:24:31.260 It's a, right?

01:24:33.340 And you, doot, doot, doot.

01:24:34.360 What?

01:24:37.500 What?

01:24:37.980 What?

01:24:38.400 What?

01:24:38.520 What?

01:24:38.900 What?

01:24:39.420 What's the top?

01:24:39.700 What?

01:24:42.700 Oh! 0.60

01:24:43.220 Oh! 0.60

01:24:44.020 Hey, put it on Christmas.

01:24:45.740 Yeah.

01:24:46.600 Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell.

01:24:49.620 I swear to God, these new machines, dude, it sucks you in, dude.

01:24:53.980 Oh, see, I don't do any of that.

01:24:54.780 And they never let go, dude.

01:24:56.160 I'm 80 days off pornography right now.

01:24:58.080 Wow.

01:24:58.620 I'm going to give you a machine, man?

01:25:00.240 No.

01:25:00.860 Please.

01:25:01.320 I don't want anything like that.

01:25:02.100 I know, but I'm going to, I know, but you got to try it.

01:25:04.180 What does it do?

01:25:05.360 It does three things.

01:25:07.100 Okay.

01:25:08.040 Okay.

01:25:08.600 Not just one thing, dude.

01:25:09.420 Okay.

01:25:10.020 All right.

01:25:10.700 Is it gas power?

01:25:11.560 Do you plug it in?

01:25:11.900 No, it's not good.

01:25:12.400 No.

01:25:12.740 So the vacuum cleaner, I will probably not use again because I almost, I had to grab parts 1.00

01:25:17.060 of my penis inside the fucking little filter there, right? 0.99

01:25:19.260 But it took stuff out. 1.00

01:25:20.640 So it was too powerful, okay?

01:25:21.960 But I want to say this, okay?

01:25:24.200 I have one that I bought at the Hustler store.

01:25:26.340 Yeah.

01:25:26.660 Right?

01:25:28.500 And it does three things.

01:25:29.540 Okay.

01:25:30.500 No, it's really just two things. 0.99

01:25:32.600 So it vibrates and sucks. 0.99

01:25:37.060 Wow. 0.99

01:25:37.640 Right?

01:25:38.880 And so, you know what I mean?

01:25:40.400 Does it sort coins?

01:25:41.840 I think it might.

01:25:43.220 Hell yeah.

01:25:43.720 Yeah, I think it might.

01:25:44.460 Yeah, yeah.

01:25:44.860 How long do you have to stay on it for eight seconds?

01:25:46.980 No, what I do is I, it's also waterproof.

01:25:50.480 That's a key.

01:25:51.620 Yeah.

01:25:52.240 Yeah.

01:25:52.460 But, so, so, yeah, I know.

01:25:55.260 So the next relationship I have, that's what you do?

01:25:59.180 It makes me just.

01:25:59.920 No, daddy, no.

01:26:02.460 Don't touch me there, daddy.

01:26:05.180 Who's daddy?

01:26:06.200 Yeah.

01:26:07.100 It hurts, but it feels good too, daddy.

01:26:09.820 Daddy sounds like a man, dude.

01:26:11.600 What?

01:26:12.180 Daddy sounds like a man.

01:26:13.400 Yeah, dude.

01:26:14.140 Yeah.

01:26:14.360 There better be a chick named daddy. 1.00

01:26:16.920 Yeah.

01:26:18.120 Do you miss your dad?

01:26:22.120 Huh?

01:26:22.540 Yeah, I miss my dad, dude.

01:26:24.660 When did you die?

01:26:25.060 What year did you die?

01:26:26.740 Bring up a picture of my dad.

01:26:30.220 He died in 1996.

01:26:37.920 Do you miss him, though?

01:26:39.400 Yeah.

01:26:40.500 Yeah, I didn't, I don't know.

01:26:41.880 Cause I didn't, like, yeah, I miss him.

01:26:45.600 I just wish that I knew him better, you know?

01:26:47.480 Do you miss your dad? 1.00

01:26:48.460 Yeah, that's, dude, you just hit it on the fucking nail. 1.00

01:26:51.460 On the coffin. 0.99

01:26:53.360 Is that the wrong way to say it?

01:26:55.440 You hit the nail.

01:26:59.300 Here's the thing.

01:27:00.460 I don't know nothing about him.

01:27:02.220 Really?

01:27:03.000 Yeah, cause my dad didn't speak English.

01:27:05.260 Right?

01:27:05.800 And I barely spoke Korean.

01:27:07.840 So everything was like, for instance,

01:27:09.920 You know, like, when you're in high school, for instance,

01:27:13.240 And you're going, let's say I was a white kid.

01:27:15.020 I was going out.

01:27:16.000 And your dad gives you, like, a little pep talk.

01:27:17.680 Like, you know, don't drink and drive, right?

01:27:19.860 Also, you know, if you're in trouble, give me a call.

01:27:21.480 Or whatever, you know, whatever they say.

01:27:22.860 You know what I mean?

01:27:24.020 But my dad didn't do that.

01:27:25.000 He would just go, I go, goodbye, dad.

01:27:27.120 He'd go, don't do.

01:27:29.700 And I go, I won't do.

01:27:31.400 I mean, that's it.

01:27:32.060 That's the, that's it.

01:27:34.740 Yeah.

01:27:35.000 If I ask my dad, um, tell me about how you feel.

01:27:38.500 I don't know.

01:27:39.960 You're good.

01:27:41.260 But they, they don't like. 0.99

01:27:43.420 And you're like, what the fuck are you talking about? 0.99

01:27:45.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:27:45.360 Yeah, what's your favorite pasta?

01:27:47.180 Oh, I like, you know, it's very good.

01:27:50.320 You know?

01:27:51.020 Like, he does, there's, dude.

01:27:52.880 Bro, bro, bro.

01:27:54.080 He never, bro.

01:27:57.500 He didn't know what music was.

01:27:59.560 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:28:00.880 No, he didn't know what music was.

01:28:03.740 Yeah, dude.

01:28:04.240 Right?

01:28:04.780 So when he, he had a stroke, right?

01:28:07.040 Oh, gosh.

01:28:07.760 I didn't know that.

01:28:09.680 I knew your dad passed away.

01:28:10.960 I don't know if he had a stroke, though.

01:28:11.660 Yeah, he had many strokes.

01:28:12.600 So he had two major strokes and a couple of many.

01:28:15.420 Different strokes.

01:28:16.440 You ever seen that show?

01:28:16.920 Yeah, I love it, dude.

01:28:18.340 Yeah, he had two, you know, Willises.

01:28:20.920 What you talking about, Willis?

01:28:22.240 You know what I mean?

01:28:23.660 Anyway, um, great show.

01:28:25.440 Oh, yeah, and one Mr. Drummond.

01:28:27.180 Yeah, dude.

01:28:28.100 That's the one that really shook him.

01:28:29.400 So what was I, oh, what I was saying.

01:28:30.880 Oh, so he had a bunch of strokes and I

01:28:33.740 had, like, um, AirPods.

01:28:36.260 And I was at his house in Phoenix.

01:28:38.700 And I go, um, Dad, he's like, oh, you know,

01:28:42.760 he goes, yeah.

01:28:43.800 I go, will you listen to music for the first time?

01:28:47.220 I mean, he, obviously, he's been to a mall.

01:28:49.660 Yeah.

01:28:49.960 He's heard it, right?

01:28:50.820 But he doesn't know, he doesn't have a fanfare band or, he doesn't know what Beethoven is

01:28:55.540 or whatever, right?

01:28:56.400 And so I put in Eric Clapton's, um, what's it?

01:28:59.900 Tears in Heaven.

01:29:01.020 Tears in Heaven.

01:29:01.640 Oh.

01:29:02.200 I put it in.

01:29:03.400 My brother, my Steve was there too, my brother.

01:29:05.220 And we've pushed play.

01:29:08.220 And tears came down my dad's face.

01:29:12.200 No way.

01:29:13.100 Right?

01:29:13.360 But it was the first time he goes, Dad, beautiful.

01:29:19.360 Wow.

01:29:20.040 It was incredible.

01:29:21.460 And then he died. 1.00

01:29:22.740 Damn. 1.00

01:29:23.420 Yeah. 0.99

01:29:24.020 So he didn't, I didn't, I didn't learn anything from the dude.

01:29:27.460 And it's.

01:29:27.660 But do you, were you ashamed of him?

01:29:28.840 It feels like you were embarrassed by him for some reason.

01:29:32.380 I hated him.

01:29:35.000 And, you know, I've told this story before, but not on this, I don't think.

01:29:38.940 Um, when I was, I've told this a couple of times.

01:29:42.300 Do you mind if I tell this story?

01:29:43.520 Yeah.

01:29:43.720 No, I haven't heard it.

01:29:44.500 Yeah.

01:29:44.800 I don't know it.

01:29:45.800 You know, you know, who do I live with?

01:29:50.440 Your friends?

01:29:52.740 Noah.

01:29:53.760 I have cats.

01:29:54.700 Oh, yeah.

01:29:55.520 I have three cats.

01:29:56.760 Yeah.

01:29:57.040 Uh, I think you have a couple of cats.

01:29:59.540 Yeah.

01:29:59.820 Yeah.

01:30:00.400 And so when I was a kid, I loved them.

01:30:02.460 Something about them.

01:30:03.400 The cats.

01:30:04.280 Just cats in general.

01:30:05.240 Yeah.

01:30:05.500 And, um, when I was eight, I go, um, could I get a cat?

01:30:13.040 And they got me a cat, a kitten.

01:30:15.000 I named him Tommy.

01:30:16.420 And they wouldn't put him in the house.

01:30:18.340 We put him in the garage with, like, a little fence thing in the garage.

01:30:21.220 That's fair.

01:30:21.820 Yeah.

01:30:22.360 Good compromise.

01:30:23.400 And then over the summer, every day, I just sat with Tommy eight hours a day, however long.

01:30:29.240 He was the love of my life.

01:30:31.420 And then one day, a couple of months later, three months later, I go to the garage.

01:30:35.920 He's completely gone.

01:30:37.640 So I, you know, I go, Mom, Dad.

01:30:39.820 And they came in the garage.

01:30:41.240 I go, where's Tom?

01:30:42.760 And my dad goes, Mommy, she allergic.

01:30:47.840 And I go, uh-huh.

01:30:49.040 He's like, Tom gone.

01:30:51.320 And he goes, stop crying.

01:30:54.200 And then he just left the garage.

01:30:56.420 There was, like, no room for compromise or anything.

01:31:00.620 Like, whatever he's, that's why I hate authority figures.

01:31:03.920 Right?

01:31:04.500 There was no room for discussion.

01:31:06.400 I didn't know where Tom went.

01:31:07.940 Stop crying. 1.00

01:31:08.960 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

01:31:09.860 And that's it. 1.00

01:31:10.540 And that was the day where I looked at my parents and I went, okay, it's war. 0.80

01:31:17.600 It's war.

01:31:18.480 I started doing drugs.

01:31:20.340 Yeah.

01:31:20.580 You know what I mean?

01:31:21.100 Raising hell. 0.92

01:31:21.680 Yeah, raising hell, lighting things on fire. 1.00

01:31:23.520 I didn't go fuck. 1.00

01:31:24.160 Embarrass the family. 1.00

01:31:25.400 Yeah.

01:31:25.780 And it's like, that's why, I mean, if I had a kid, I mean, how would you approach that?

01:31:31.960 I was a kid. 1.00

01:31:33.160 Your wife is allergic to the fucking, you know what I mean, cat. 1.00

01:31:37.200 And I'm your kid. 1.00

01:31:37.840 Be real.

01:31:38.920 Don't do comedy.

01:31:39.700 Don't do comedy right now.

01:31:40.360 Okay. 1.00

01:31:40.740 I would probably get a shit. 1.00

01:31:41.440 So I'm your dad. 1.00

01:31:42.360 I'm your son.

01:31:42.900 Okay.

01:31:43.760 Hey, Dan.

01:31:45.740 Bobby.

01:31:46.540 No, no, you don't have to.

01:31:48.400 Do it, sorry.

01:31:49.300 Just do it like me.

01:31:49.860 No, no, no, no.

01:31:50.600 I don't know.

01:31:51.140 Wait, wait.

01:31:51.980 You don't have to have an Asian accent.

01:31:54.020 Okay.

01:31:54.220 I don't know what country we're in.

01:31:56.840 No, no, no.

01:31:57.380 You're you.

01:31:58.280 Okay.

01:31:58.940 Got it.

01:31:59.620 I didn't know what country.

01:31:59.920 I don't know where you're going to have an Asian accent.

01:32:01.700 I don't know what country we're in.

01:32:02.780 No, we're in America.

01:32:03.980 Okay. 1.00

01:32:04.220 Who gives a fuck? 1.00

01:32:05.060 Well, give me a setting then. 1.00

01:32:05.840 All right.

01:32:06.060 I have to be that specific?

01:32:08.800 Yeah, you're just okay.

01:32:09.500 You live in Nashville.

01:32:10.500 Okay.

01:32:10.880 Your wife is white. 0.98

01:32:11.880 You're my son.

01:32:12.580 Yeah, I'm not Asian.

01:32:14.660 All right.

01:32:15.140 Make believe that I'm your biological son.

01:32:17.320 Okay.

01:32:17.720 Right?

01:32:18.220 Yeah.

01:32:18.500 Hey, Daddy.

01:32:19.320 Hey, Chucky.

01:32:20.020 What's up?

01:32:23.660 How was school, buddy?

01:32:24.880 Chucky's good, Daddy.

01:32:26.060 Vicky's good?

01:32:26.920 Yeah, Daddy.

01:32:27.800 How was school, huh?

01:32:29.580 School was great, Dad.

01:32:31.020 I hear they're holding you back again.

01:32:32.500 They're holding you back.

01:32:33.220 You know, like fire like sun, Daddy.

01:32:35.020 Yes, sir.

01:32:35.800 Yeah, yeah.

01:32:36.420 Hey, dude.

01:32:37.080 Yeah.

01:32:37.300 You know what I mean?

01:32:38.120 Gang them up. 0.97

01:32:38.640 Gang them up. 1.00

01:32:39.300 Gang them up. 0.96

01:32:40.000 Boy, I love you, Chucky.

01:32:41.500 Hey, Daddy.

01:32:41.900 Gang them up.

01:32:42.720 I know we had a cat here yesterday.

01:32:44.080 Yeah, yeah.

01:32:44.420 So where's Tommy?

01:32:45.860 Your mother's allergic to cats. 1.00

01:32:47.740 Oh, so where's Tommy, Daddy?

01:32:49.220 Mom gets sick.

01:32:50.120 Mom gets sick.

01:32:50.640 I understand.

01:32:51.320 If we have cat, Mom gets sick. 0.99

01:32:52.840 I know, but where's Tommy now?

01:32:54.420 Tommy is going to be at your aunt's house, and you can go play with him in the afternoon.

01:32:59.140 Dude, that's, dude, that's it.

01:33:03.580 That's what you're supposed to do.

01:33:05.300 Now, your aunt drinks a lot of wine, and she gets a little handsy with the kids, you

01:33:10.140 know?

01:33:10.680 She gets what they call Franzia hands. 1.00

01:33:13.080 Yeah, Daddy, I don't need to know the specifics of, like, what my auntie's behavior is going 1.00

01:33:17.480 to be like.

01:33:18.300 Is she going to hurt, when she gets drunk, is she going to hurt Tommy? 0.99

01:33:21.600 No, she just might love him as much as you do, Chucky.

01:33:23.820 Right, because I know that my cousins have all black eyes, because, you know. 0.99

01:33:26.520 Your cousins are black. 0.99

01:33:28.040 That's why. 0.99

01:33:28.640 Oh, they were adopted, Daddy.

01:33:30.600 I forgot, Daddy.

01:33:31.720 So, you just got to roll with me here.

01:33:33.240 Yeah, yeah.

01:33:33.720 I love black people, Daddy.

01:33:34.880 You taught me that.

01:33:35.780 Amen, brother.

01:33:36.400 I'm going to go inside now.

01:33:37.600 Gang, what?

01:33:38.700 Can I come inside today?

01:33:39.640 Huh?

01:33:39.980 You relax out here.

01:33:40.920 No, Daddy, can I come inside today?

01:33:42.800 You relax.

01:33:43.680 I know.

01:33:44.020 Why do I have to sleep outside, Daddy?

01:33:45.280 You don't.

01:33:45.600 Just wait until the sun comes down.

01:33:47.100 You come in.

01:33:47.740 I'll sneak in again.

01:33:48.360 Yeah, yeah.

01:33:48.840 All right, Daddy.

01:33:49.900 But I wish I could just have my own room and stuff.

01:33:51.640 No, we're going to put some treats right out by the door for you, all right?

01:33:54.700 We're going to put a craft single out here.

01:33:56.280 Love you, Daddy.

01:33:56.780 Love you, too, boss.

01:33:57.360 Gang, I'm dead.

01:33:58.300 Gang. 0.83

01:33:59.040 Gang, gang.

01:33:59.900 Pretty good.

01:34:00.580 Yeah, pretty good, dude.

01:34:02.480 Good dad, dude.

01:34:03.300 Pretty good, dude.

01:34:03.960 You'll be a good dad.

01:34:04.720 How long have we gone?

01:34:05.900 We'll finish up in a second.

01:34:07.200 Halloween's coming up.

01:34:08.160 Well, let me know.

01:34:09.000 Can we cut this part out?

01:34:10.400 Yeah.

01:34:10.740 How's it going?

01:34:11.920 This podcast?

01:34:12.460 Yeah.

01:34:12.780 I have no idea.

01:34:13.440 It's very funny.

01:34:14.100 We're clapping.

01:34:14.980 No, honestly, how is it going?

01:34:16.420 I feel like I've been the worst I've ever been on this show.

01:34:19.340 No, I swear to God, this is awesome.

01:34:21.460 It's been fun, man.

01:34:22.860 Do you ever get that, though?

01:34:24.380 Oh, yeah.

01:34:24.720 Dude, you have to understand, Monday I did two hours of Burt. 0.97

01:34:29.000 Then I did probably three fucking tiger bellies, which is like over an hour apiece. 0.99

01:34:33.720 You talk so much, you just fucking don't know at one point. 0.99

01:34:38.660 Dude, you and I have talked, think about it, thousands of hours of nonsense. 1.00

01:34:45.100 Yeah. 1.00

01:34:45.640 Fucking nonsense. 1.00

01:34:47.200 Crazy, huh? 1.00

01:34:47.880 Yeah.

01:34:48.300 And there's times where, I'm sorry, you just kind of go, I don't even know what else to

01:34:53.320 say anymore.

01:34:54.580 Yeah.

01:34:55.080 You know what I mean?

01:34:55.940 That's why we got to have experiences in the world so we can have more stuff to talk about,

01:34:59.320 or we have to talk about people that we can learn stuff from that have had experiences.

01:35:02.920 Yeah, George.

01:35:03.460 George is here, my producer from Tiger Bell, right?

01:35:05.600 He's okay.

01:35:06.500 And so, George, he's changed a lot.

01:35:08.240 Oh, dude, so much.

01:35:09.440 But, George, dude, it's like, I've talked so much.

01:35:13.100 Are you trying to bleed me dry?

01:35:15.860 No, you're doing great.

01:35:16.800 This is the best ever.

01:35:17.540 Now, that sounds like condescending, dude.

01:35:21.360 Yeah, it sounds like something that somebody, it sounds like that guy that killed Elvis.

01:35:24.580 Remember his manager or whatever?

01:35:26.200 Snow Cone or whatever that dude's name was?

01:35:28.600 What was his name?

01:35:29.200 Snow Cone?

01:35:29.760 Yeah.

01:35:30.280 You mean Tom Hanks' character?

01:35:31.960 Yeah.

01:35:32.440 Yeah. 1.00

01:35:33.520 Would you fuck Austin? 1.00

01:35:34.280 You're doing great. 1.00

01:35:35.080 Would you fuck Austin Butler? 1.00

01:35:36.540 Would I fuck Austin Butler? 1.00

01:35:37.540 No, I'd fuck Elvis, probably. 1.00

01:35:39.480 Would you have fucked Elvis? 1.00

01:35:41.920 I don't know. 1.00

01:35:42.600 Would you have?

01:35:43.800 Cleopatra.

01:35:45.240 Who was that?

01:35:46.320 In the history of, she was the Egypt queen.

01:35:48.220 Oh, yeah, yeah.

01:35:48.800 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:35:49.160 But it's hard to know what she really looked like.

01:35:50.540 Yeah, that's true.

01:35:51.040 But if you're going to travel all the way back in time, you got to smash.

01:35:55.240 You feel me?

01:35:56.640 I think you'd have an easier time smashing than me.

01:35:58.720 What about Frederick Douglass? 0.74

01:36:00.900 The black guy? 0.88

01:36:01.780 Smash or pass? 1.00

01:36:02.380 Smash, smash for sure. 0.81

01:36:03.260 Yeah.

01:36:03.780 Yeah, yeah.

01:36:04.660 Although he is probably, oh, look at him. 0.99

01:36:08.580 Do you think he has a gapey butthole or no? 1.00

01:36:11.120 Huh? 0.99

01:36:12.280 I don't know.

01:36:12.880 I heard he's got an underground railroad.

01:36:16.840 That's insane.

01:36:17.620 That's insane what you just said there. 0.99

01:36:18.780 We're going to hell. 0.99

01:36:19.560 No, no, but I did hear that he was gay, but I don't know that. 0.99

01:36:22.600 They should bring that hairstyle back. 0.85

01:36:23.660 A lot of my black friends told me that he enjoyed the pleasures of men.

01:36:27.120 Dude, that hairstyle, it has to come back.

01:36:28.820 Oh, yeah.

01:36:29.720 What is that?

01:36:30.380 It's like an afro, but conch?

01:36:35.280 Conch?

01:36:36.200 Conch?

01:36:36.820 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:36:37.880 Conch?

01:36:38.760 What's that hairstyle?

01:36:39.880 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:36:41.740 That's interesting.

01:36:42.840 It's not really straightened, but he kind of combed the afro. 0.98

01:36:46.640 What is a conch hairstyle?

01:36:47.960 What is the conch hairstyle?

01:36:48.720 Yeah, there it is.

01:36:49.280 It's a conch hairstyle.

01:36:50.780 A conch is a hairstyle that was worn by some African-American men between 1940s and early

01:36:54.740 1960s.

01:36:55.900 The name comes from the Congolene, a lye-based gel used to chemically straighten or relax

01:37:01.320 hair.

01:37:01.940 Once straightened, people styled their hair into pompadours or wore its slick back.

01:37:06.320 Yeah.

01:37:06.920 They have, it kind of has a look that maybe Bruno Mars would kind of be.

01:37:10.860 Right, right, right, right.

01:37:11.700 Malcolm X did it a lot in his book.

01:37:13.680 Bruno Mars is Filipino, though.

01:37:15.640 In the Malcolm X book, there's a lot of conch hairstyles.

01:37:18.660 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:37:19.340 I could see Bruno having it, rocking it, though.

01:37:21.600 What a talented man.

01:37:22.760 Yeah.

01:37:23.260 Yeah.

01:37:23.700 Let's look at a couple TikToks and let's get Bobby on the road. 0.99

01:37:26.020 Anything new that's happening TikTok-ing?

01:37:29.000 Yep.

01:37:29.300 We got a couple.

01:37:31.440 This is the, this stuff?

01:37:33.600 Are you good at this stuff?

01:37:34.660 What is it?

01:37:35.260 Looking at stuff?

01:37:35.560 Like looking at stuff and then commenting on it?

01:37:37.560 No.

01:37:37.720 I just think of some things.

01:37:38.800 Why do you do it?

01:37:39.360 Well, I like to show things that I'm amazed by.

01:37:41.220 Okay, listen.

01:37:41.680 I want to be amazed.

01:37:43.780 This is a deaf rapper. 1.00

01:37:45.060 Oh, shit. 1.00

01:37:58.820 MC Baba. 1.00

01:38:00.000 Oh, mo, mo, mo, mo. 0.99

01:38:04.600 We're going to hell death. 0.99

01:38:06.620 Very good, though.

01:38:07.540 What else we got, man?

01:38:08.360 Hit me one more off of my faves that I starred.

01:38:13.400 Oh, yeah.

01:38:14.040 Look at this.

01:38:15.060 I'm not saying they're taking our jobs, but look at it again, dude.

01:38:22.880 Smoking.

01:38:23.440 Bro.

01:38:24.280 What is going on?

01:38:25.640 What is going on, dude?

01:38:26.900 Yeah, fumar, you know?

01:38:29.540 Fumarky mouse.

01:38:30.560 Yeah.

01:38:31.520 I mean, dude.

01:38:32.240 Wow.

01:38:32.780 There should be a rule.

01:38:33.980 Yeah, dude.

01:38:34.720 There should be.

01:38:35.520 What do you think the rule is?

01:38:36.340 I think I want many in the costume to be a woman. 0.87

01:38:40.140 That's the number one rule.

01:38:41.960 Yeah.

01:38:42.500 Yeah.

01:38:42.820 What about a Mexican woman? 1.00

01:38:44.420 That's fine.

01:38:45.140 That's fine with me, too.

01:38:46.020 Me, me.

01:38:46.680 Yeah, but with a Mexican man who looks like the guy that worked for Jimmy Kimmel.

01:38:50.000 What's that?

01:38:50.400 Security guard?

01:38:51.060 Oh, a Hortensio or whatever?

01:38:52.120 Yeah, that's him, dude.

01:38:53.080 Yeah.

01:38:53.420 I don't want that.

01:38:54.260 Yeah, that's like a tall Hortensio.

01:38:55.360 I don't want that.

01:38:55.980 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:38:56.100 They don't have that.

01:38:56.980 One more.

01:38:57.620 Bring it up.

01:38:59.540 Oh, this is a marriage proposal.

01:39:00.780 This is crazy, bro.

01:39:02.040 This is what you got to do, Bobby, if you're going to meet someone.

01:39:04.120 Yeah.

01:39:07.260 It's a carjacking, right?

01:39:08.720 Wow.

01:39:10.280 Take the husband. 1.00

01:39:11.840 They take the husband? 1.00

01:39:12.620 Yeah.

01:39:13.000 Break all the car windows.

01:39:14.020 That's insane.

01:39:36.700 Imagine, dude.

01:39:38.160 You know what?

01:39:39.200 Love is love, man.

01:39:40.480 Love is love, dude.

01:39:42.100 Wow.

01:39:42.540 It's good to know.

01:39:43.880 You know what's funny, dude?

01:39:44.580 One time, whenever we do this, we'll both be married.

01:39:48.260 We will.

01:39:49.720 We have to start to believe that, Bobby, because if we don't, dude, then we never will be, man.

01:39:54.700 And it's going to get weird, bro.

01:39:57.480 Can we promise each other this?

01:40:00.020 We can do group vacations, like couple vacations.

01:40:03.660 Yeah.

01:40:04.180 If we're married.

01:40:05.680 And then when they're like girls are surfing or doing their little thing, you and I can get together.

01:40:11.040 Yeah.

01:40:11.280 Hit a meeting, chat, do something like that.

01:40:13.560 Yeah, that'd be fun.

01:40:15.140 Anyway, it's really nice.

01:40:16.100 I'm going to see you soon, right?

01:40:17.300 Yeah, I got to do Bad Friends soon.

01:40:18.360 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:40:19.380 All right.

01:40:19.680 Thank you.

01:40:20.240 I love you, man.

01:40:20.920 Love you.

01:40:21.320 Yep.

01:40:21.640 Thank you.

01:40:21.980 Now I'm just floating on the breeze, and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.

01:40:27.660 I must be cornerstone.

01:40:32.840 Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.

01:40:38.280 I can feel it in my bones.

01:40:41.780 But it's going to take...

01:40:44.780 I can feel it in my bones here.

01:40:52.700 I love you.

01:40:54.560 Thank you.

01:40:55.520 Yeah, yeah.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - September 10, 2024

E530 Bobby Lee

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript