This Past Weekend with Theo Von - September 23, 2019


Feel Armstrong ｜ This Past Weekend #232


Episode Stats


Length

57 minutes

Words per minute

168.91

Word count

9,733

Sentence count

347

Harmful content

Misogyny

48

sentences flagged

Toxicity

145

sentences flagged

Hate speech

73

sentences flagged


Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
00:00:00.000 What's up, you little dirty Griswolds, huh? 0.99
00:00:04.560 You little onomatopoeias, you smoky little almonds. 1.00
00:00:08.720 Damn, boy, that smoked almond. 1.00
00:00:11.360 Isn't that crazy? 1.00
00:00:13.060 Isn't that crazy that that happened to an almond?
00:00:16.780 He was living his life and maybe he hadn't, you know,
00:00:21.520 you know, done right by his wife
00:00:23.840 or he hadn't really taken care of his family 100%.
00:00:26.940 But to smoke him, you know, 0.99
00:00:30.000 To take him out back behind in an alley and put a damn gun to his little, to his little pointy little head just makes you wonder what's going on, man. 0.99
00:00:42.460 You know, but I'm here. 1.00
00:00:45.500 I'm here.
00:00:46.300 You're here.
00:00:46.820 We got this. 0.90
00:00:47.620 You little crispy wiggas.
00:00:48.920 Who's ready, huh?
00:00:50.040 Let's get into something.
00:01:00.000 I'm just sitting on your front porch, wondering how could I be so far from my home, and my mind is somewhere else, but when I find it, I'll patch up where it's been blown.
00:01:30.000 On the breeze
00:01:31.480 And I feel I'm falling
00:01:33.100 Like these leaves
00:01:34.440 I must be
00:01:35.560 Caught on a stone
00:01:37.600 Oh, but when I reach that ground
00:01:42.320 I'll share this peace of mind
00:01:44.480 I found I can feel it
00:01:46.540 In my bones
00:01:47.880 This is where you turn that slow dance
00:01:49.100 Into a fast dance, you know 1.00
00:01:50.540 Shake a little bastard 1.00
00:01:52.380 By the waist right there 1.00
00:01:53.400 You can look
00:01:53.960 For me to set that parking brake
00:01:58.180 And let myself unwind
00:02:00.940 Shine that light on me
00:02:04.700 P.G., baby
00:02:05.860 I'll send and tell you my story
00:02:10.360 Shine that light on me right there
00:02:17.620 That's Bishop Gunn with Shine
00:02:19.900 And they got that
00:02:20.900 They got that ear hitter right there
00:02:23.660 They feel you
00:02:24.320 And we feel you here
00:02:25.640 Every week
00:02:26.680 Every week
00:02:27.980 welcome to this past weekend i hope you are doing well you know i hope you if you're doing
00:02:34.500 something i hope you got a shirt on or don't have a shirt on you know i remember when i was young 0.75
00:02:41.440 bro i used to love taking my fucking shirt off boy dude i would take my shirt off all the time bro 0.91
00:02:48.520 and sometimes at inopportune times or wrong they call them wrong times you know i'd be at school 0.99
00:02:55.860 and the lady give me a little second serving of them mashed patates 0.99
00:02:59.660 and I'll take my damn shirt off, bro. 0.98
00:03:03.220 It was almost like a way that I showed my gratitude to things. 0.99
00:03:07.740 You know, I remember they had a guy who used to drive down the street
00:03:10.400 over there on McGee Street in our neighborhood
00:03:12.720 and he was a rich man.
00:03:14.980 This man was really rich.
00:03:17.000 And he had like a nice car, like a,
00:03:20.920 I don't know what it was, maybe like a Buick Satellite or something. 0.96
00:03:24.420 i mean the thing had damn it looked fancy bro he had a couple probably stars and a damn half a 0.82
00:03:30.660 galaxy in the trunk of it he just was wealthy well off they called it well to do they said 0.93
00:03:36.180 and he would drive down the street and he was a veterinarian and he would throw uh
00:03:43.160 he threw a lot of animal carcasses and stuff out of the vehicle because he knew you know he likes
00:03:49.920 they would be in our ditch and stuff and i think he just something inside of him i think he felt
00:03:55.300 like he was giving back to the you know to the lower class or he was doing something or maybe he 0.93
00:03:59.920 just you know like throwing you know you know animal carcasses out of the damn out of a nice 0.98
00:04:07.240 vehicle i don't know but uh what was i telling you about damn dude um but yeah sometimes when i'd be 0.98
00:04:16.440 out there and i'd see half of a you know half of a rooster hit the ditch you know or i'd see 0.98
00:04:22.760 you know maybe four-fifths of a um of a lamb or something hit the ditch you know a lamb body and 0.93
00:04:29.120 i would take my damn shirt off bro show some respect you know there was just something about 0.98
00:04:34.180 when you didn't have anything really to show people sometimes you just show them your bare 1.00
00:04:41.060 skin you just show them your young chest and your belly button you do something you think well damn
00:04:48.100 i owe some level of gratitude or in class sometime the teacher would teach us something real good
00:04:54.000 you know i remember one time they said lightning they said lightning uh was made up of the same
00:05:02.840 stuff that a rainbow was and um and i it was hard for me to understand and then and then the teacher 0.72
00:05:10.440 said that a lot that lightning was just an angry rainbow and i fucked dude i stood up on my desk 0.99
00:05:16.340 and took my damn shirt off bro you know and i damn saluted that shit that fact that that teacher was 0.99
00:05:22.840 filling me with the facts because i need them sometimes and there was a way where 0.99
00:05:27.580 just kind of disrobing yourself or showing your chest your young chest to a as a thank you when
00:05:36.400 you didn't have anything else to give somebody a card or a you know a little couple of monies
00:05:41.200 or something you know nothing like that but it's coming up it's the end of september i'm going to
00:05:48.640 maui tomorrow i'm going to maui so if you think about me you better think about me in maui
00:05:59.160 guess who's going to Maui wow me you see what I did there Maui and Maui is a place
00:06:09.420 off of the coast of America and Hawaii and it's really dude you see people out there they got
00:06:16.020 they'll do all it's very Polynesian and Polynesian some people think that means if
00:06:22.700 somebody's polynesian it means they you know their arms are on the wrong sockets or whatever
00:06:29.840 you know but it's nothing like that it means kind of like uh say if you know like a flight
00:06:37.580 like a flight of like kind of asian people like a say if a chinese flight crashed into a
00:06:47.440 um like a like a pineapple stand and everybody lived and started a community
00:06:56.320 that's polynesian right there and so i'm gonna go over there and i'm gonna spend some time just
00:07:01.920 get to the beach relax you know let my skin just you know my skin has been so tight on my muscles
00:07:09.860 that i just wanted to just kind of let go a little bit sometimes it almost feels like my
00:07:15.300 My muscles and my skin are just doing sex all day because they're just so gritted up.
00:07:21.440 But I'm happy to relax there at the beach and get a little sunshine, going to a yoga retreat place.
00:07:28.660 So we'll see, dude.
00:07:29.900 You know me, bro. 0.99
00:07:30.860 I might fucking bail out of that bastard in 30 minutes, but I'm hoping for the best. 0.99
00:07:35.940 I'm hoping to go over there and have a good time. 0.99
00:07:38.680 I got to tell you, I got a couple of dates coming up.
00:07:41.500 Bethlehem, PA on 10-4.
00:07:45.300 and 10-8 in Cleveland, and October 9th, Indianapolis, October 10th, Grand Rapids,
00:07:54.320 the 11th, Detroit, the 12th, Milwaukee, and the 13th, Madison, Wisconsin.
00:08:00.480 The Maryland, the Oxenhill dates are going to be rescheduled.
00:08:04.140 I'm not sure when yet.
00:08:05.920 And Sayersville, New Jersey will be rescheduled.
00:08:08.480 I'm not sure when yet.
00:08:09.420 So that's what's going on.
00:08:11.000 um they those the reschedules the other reschedules may not be till next year
00:08:15.380 but that's what's up uh man i remember going to the beach when i was young
00:08:22.000 my mother would uh and my mother liked to wear a bikini sometimes she would open the windows and
00:08:29.080 sit over there by the window and have a little beer and do a bikini and you know when i was kind 0.90
00:08:35.560 of a mama's boy and i didn't have a you know i couldn't wear a bikini or anything like that
00:08:39.360 because i was a male you know i was a you know a male that was you know more interested in
00:08:44.740 you know in chicks and stuff and so but i remember one time i made me a little yarn
00:08:51.440 i took a yarn and two bottle caps and made me a little
00:08:55.700 bikini you know and kind of had you know had my sister tied in the back and just wore that
00:09:01.600 little bastard you know because i just you know my mother was around i think i just wanted to be
00:09:08.700 like her you know i wanted to be like my dad but he wasn't around and also he was you know 70 80 0.94
00:09:13.740 years old so if i was being like my dad i was just taking naps or looking for something that i was
00:09:21.800 never gonna find or what else was i doing if i was being like him i used to go sleep at the park
00:09:28.760 sometimes my dad liked to do that sleep at the burger king um you know just enjoying life really
00:09:35.960 having a little uh sometimes my dad would make me sneak in there and get him a little
00:09:40.360 tablespoon of mayonnaise and he would eat it off just dip his finger in it and eat it
00:09:46.740 and watch an episode of uh three's company or one of those detective program he liked a lot of that
00:09:53.080 he was old-fashioned like that uh but my mother used to take us to the beach we would go the
00:10:01.800 first beach i went to biloxi beach and this place the beach is really the water was always illegal
00:10:11.520 you couldn't get in the water they had signs up it said you know the test came in and this water is
00:10:18.160 you know pregnant or whatever i mean that water was you stay out there for an hour some of the
00:10:24.160 fish would come out on two or three legs and go get a job it was that kind of they called it
00:10:30.600 illegal water i guess or something it was just you know they'd have the water would look it had
00:10:36.540 to look like oil it looked like an oil spill and they put some sand around it that's how the water
00:10:41.620 was and it also had this foam this kind of like the like like the water had been brushing its
00:10:46.860 teeth and it just had a bunch of kind of like toothpaste on the side of it but we get out there
00:10:51.800 and make little shapes and stuff and um we you could still do a draw in the sand and you get
00:10:59.660 sunburned bad too but and they had fish and some of the fish like like they had been through some
00:11:04.080 tough shit um like some of the fish look like they were in like ms13 or you know you'd see a
00:11:12.140 little fish swim by with like a bandana on you know and he's like oh pescado honks you feel me 0.99
00:11:17.600 pescado i'm like whoa bro relaxacion man because it was just you know they had so much chemicals
00:11:25.540 there in biloxi so we you know when you went there to the beach you couldn't you could get in
00:11:29.320 the water but you couldn't stay that long because it would feel like uh your skin would burn or
00:11:34.420 like something was kind of trying to sneak into your body through your elbows or through your
00:11:37.860 um belly button and mom used to even make us put something over our belly button or put a piece of
00:11:44.720 gum if we had a big gum we'd put that in our belly button so that the you know if the water
00:11:48.820 was real bad or illegal or something didn't really taint you up or you know get into your body
00:11:52.980 but but that's not going to be the case in maui it's going to be a little bit different over there
00:11:57.080 And so I'm excited about that.
00:12:01.680 What else is going on?
00:12:05.640 Oh, Chris D'Elia, you saw this.
00:12:10.780 He did a thing on Instagram where he was talking smack.
00:12:17.000 OK, and I got something for you, Chris D'Elia.
00:12:19.700 I got there you go, Daddy.
00:12:22.620 I got that little clap back for Daddy.
00:12:24.640 OK. I got that little clap back for daddy. And so I want to talk about that. I want to talk about we got a lot of some good questions that came in.
00:12:35.120 People talking about the Bill Burr episode. We had that gentleman inside, you know, the ginger to remember.
00:12:40.820 You feel me? And he was in here the other day. And and what else? 0.99
00:12:47.120 We got a lot of good a lot of good calls that came in. We're going to get to a few of those.
00:12:50.740 yeah so i want to get into i want to talk to uh i want to respond to that chris d'alea
00:12:56.260 you know him and he's really my god dude if you've ever i mean if you've ever had something
00:13:03.900 just if you ever had your shadow some of them you'll see if you're standing outside and you
00:13:08.800 look next to yourself there's something real dark right there and that's not a you know this isn't
00:13:14.400 a racial thing or anything it's your shadow and if you've ever seen your shadow sometimes if you
00:13:20.380 look over real fast you'll see it you know doing something they're doing something naughty you know
00:13:26.160 maybe looking at a um nudie magazine or you know doing one of them um clove cigarette you know 0.96
00:13:33.740 we're doing something real nasty or something or touching his little dark little wiener and that's
00:13:38.940 chris delia right there you know he lives on the north side of a tree you know what i'm saying he's 0.73
00:13:44.160 that he's that uh he's that he's the dark art and he's a dark art man and he came at me brother he
00:13:52.780 came at me and uh and i want to talk about that right here i want to play uh here's a clip of
00:13:57.880 what he said right here oh i also want to talk about this one more thing before we go so theo
00:14:03.020 my buddy my arch nemesis on this podcast thing made fun of me for canceling a show because of
00:14:10.340 because you did because i couldn't get there literally couldn't get there and you know what
00:14:13.540 actually let me say this man i will never cancel a show cool here's what things that's a great
00:14:19.960 soundbite that's a great soundbite i see what he's doing here i have some news for you theo
00:14:26.060 didn't cancel a show theo canceled his whole european tour a week before it happened because
00:14:34.340 he got a movie so not only did he do what he said he would never do wow he's doing the same thing
00:14:44.060 i'm doing i would never do that what he's doing who's the stepdad now and who's the real daddy
00:14:52.180 dude he was oh is he okay okay that's enough uh first of all chris d'alea wears deodorant on his
00:15:01.680 whole arm okay so people should know that that he starts at the wrist with the stick and brings
00:15:05.940 it all the way up to the pit so that right there that's something you know i want to say this has
00:15:11.800 crystalia ever eaten a uh egg sandwich that that he cooked the egg on the top of a hot ford has he
00:15:18.520 uh no have i yes has crystalia ever uh battled rare diseases and beat them or tied them even
00:15:29.060 uh no but have i done it yes has chrystalia ever fought a guy in a sharp dragon suit outside of a
00:15:38.500 jc pennies when he was younger and beat the guy you know two you know two two two to one rounds
00:15:46.900 uh no but have i done it oh yes is chrystalia a gated community gangster oh yes he is okay
00:15:57.320 has he ever lived next door to an adult video store that also sold shrimp okay and still managed
00:16:03.740 his emotions well even though sometimes he was you know you know pleasure in himself but also
00:16:11.160 you know there's horseradish in the area you feel me okay uh no have i yes
00:16:19.420 would i ever cancel a show because of weather no would
00:16:25.900 yes i don't cancel a show because of weather okay you will not find me postponing a show
00:16:34.140 because of the air elements okay storm rain fire second coming third coming
00:16:41.860 In case Jesus gets lost, you feel me?
00:16:45.180 Sunlight, no light, drizzle, missiles, drizzles, ice missiles.
00:16:51.840 I will be there.
00:16:54.460 Bring it on, Mother Nature.
00:16:56.000 And will Christalia be there?
00:16:58.760 No.
00:17:00.260 Will I be there?
00:17:01.760 Yes.
00:17:03.000 So I'm the real daddy.
00:17:04.720 All right.
00:17:05.460 If you put my Johnson on a record player and played it backwards, you can hear it go.
00:17:09.860 Daddy, daddy.
00:17:11.860 Daddy, because I got that Bose surround pound, you feel me? 1.00
00:17:19.660 What's that? 0.88
00:17:20.520 I hear someone coming up the steps.
00:17:22.500 It's the stepdaddy, Chris.
00:17:25.760 And the real daddy is the one that brings home the metal bacon, baby.
00:17:32.260 You feel me?
00:17:34.880 Daddy's home.
00:17:36.340 Just so everybody knows what's going on around here.
00:17:39.020 All right.
00:17:39.800 let's get into some uh q a um let's start right here from patreon david laval sent this in
00:17:49.320 great conversation with bill burr and it was cool to see him giving you some feedback and advice
00:17:55.440 from a guy who's been on top of the game for a long time was there anything in particular he said
00:18:00.600 that resonated with you or made you think differently about comedy and your career
00:18:06.200 Thank you, David.
00:18:09.460 You know, it was tough.
00:18:15.140 It was tough.
00:18:17.440 I was really, really glad that Bill came in.
00:18:19.740 He and I had never had a long conversation in person before, ever.
00:18:25.920 We'd had a couple of conversations on the phone.
00:18:29.100 And so I think it was kind of a new, you know, I don't know if we knew each other's vibes that well.
00:18:35.520 I mean, or I don't think he knew mine very well.
00:18:38.000 And that makes sense.
00:18:39.640 You know, I mean, I'm an oyster, you know, I'm a barnacle and he's a cruise ship, you know.
00:18:45.660 And it was tough and it was, it was tough.
00:18:47.800 Like I couldn't, it was just a tough conversation, man.
00:18:51.980 It just wasn't, it wasn't bad.
00:18:55.120 You know what it was?
00:18:55.920 In hindsight, it was exactly what I should have expected.
00:19:00.920 You know, he's Bill Burr.
00:19:01.760 He's a reason, there's a reason that, that I think he's the best.
00:19:05.520 because he's just you know he is just he's a train man he's just a train and he has his thoughts and
00:19:14.940 he has his his ideas and his and he's poignant about them and i don't know if i had expectations
00:19:22.200 in my head that it was going to be more of like a jovial chatter or i just think our
00:19:29.620 you know i just think our ideas of of of of conversation or the way we we
00:19:37.640 conversate are just different a little bit and um and he is exactly what i you know he's really
00:19:47.300 he was he was bill burr to a t he's brash he's uh he's he's poignant he's exactly he's exact
00:19:56.600 you know he's he's really he really is like a like a nasa you know like a rocket you know and
00:20:06.420 i'm more like sometimes like feel armstrong you know you find me just kind of moseying around on
00:20:12.000 the moon you know monitoring how i feel and he's more he's that master blaster he'll shoot right by
00:20:20.320 you and so yeah there were some things he said that really did kind of resonate with me
00:20:27.140 I think when he said that you have to work well with others you know he kind of said you got to
00:20:34.600 get over not working with others and I think some of that it's true it's like I got to look at
00:20:41.160 myself and it's like well if I'm going to be work in certain circles then I have to be sure that
00:20:46.980 i'm comfortable with it but i gotta i kind of have to make a decision so i'm not waffling all 0.91
00:20:51.000 the time because half my choice is you could put syrup on them bitch they waffles you know i'm here
00:20:56.820 i'm there i got butter i got you know margarine so who knows so that was pretty good um 0.99
00:21:06.320 what else did I take away from it
00:21:09.740 I definitely I came away feeling like
00:21:18.060 like it was probably good like if I had some ego that maybe
00:21:22.040 this was letting some air out of it
00:21:23.740 you know I felt sometimes like I
00:21:28.080 couldn't like I didn't know what to say
00:21:30.420 and I don't know if that's
00:21:34.120 the best place to be sometimes you're supposed to be interviewing
00:21:36.040 somebody or having a conversation with them but I'm not like you know I wasn't disappointed in
00:21:41.960 myself or anything like that I just I think we're two different types of people you know when we
00:21:48.080 talked about material and stuff and I said well I treasure my material more and for me that's
00:21:53.440 because I do stories I tell stories you know and so for me those things are personal and they're
00:22:00.380 more you know there's more of a personal value to him in that sense but i think overall i think
00:22:07.460 no matter what you know i was grateful to be able to have him come in um he's you know he is who we
00:22:16.440 thought he was and we let him off the hook that's what i feel like you know he's exactly you know
00:22:21.860 he was bill burr to a t to a t and but he was exactly who the thing that i love about him on
00:22:33.180 stage is exactly what i loved about exactly what he was in person and so you know i think
00:22:40.380 i think some of the stuff about manning up and sacking up and i think that's right i think i
00:22:46.320 needed to hear that it doesn't mean that i can't still be myself or that but it's nice to sometimes
00:22:51.480 is just you know sometimes you want to hear people need to hear you sometimes only certain 0.97
00:22:56.300 ways you can hear something you know sometimes somebody will beat you with a damn bat but if you 0.95
00:23:01.480 don't care who who's beating you you won't you won't even pay attention you'll set bat marks all 0.98
00:23:07.400 over your back and legs and side and you know and elsewhere but but every now and then somebody who
00:23:14.660 you know who holds some weight in your life will hit you with that bat with a bat full of facts 0.99
00:23:19.800 brother that fat bat get your shit together you need a man up so i think it was sometimes tough 0.99
00:23:30.220 to like kind of joke around or what or what our vibes were i think we're just kind of off 0.99
00:23:33.900 you know again i'm more like that feel armstrong and he's more like a little bit more like rocket
00:23:38.560 man um but i'm grateful that i'm grateful that he came in and uh and that's really i guess let
00:23:46.740 me think is there anything else anything particularly resonated with you made you think
00:23:49.840 differently about comedy in your career you know I think it made me think that if I'm going to get
00:23:56.860 involved with Hollywood and that sort of stuff that I need to kind of come to some peace with
00:24:01.540 it you know I think somewhere inside of me sometimes I have a lot of just trust issues
00:24:07.640 overall in every space of my life and commitment issues in every in every aspect you know I don't 0.95
00:24:14.600 want to be exploited i don't want someone to take advantage of me um so it's a lot of fear shit
00:24:21.700 so uh you know i don't think there are any any accidents i think everything happens for a reason 0.61
00:24:29.040 and um and so yeah it's like what can i take away from that experience
00:24:34.260 uh so i think that's most of my thoughts on it um you know sometimes i wish i'd have kind of
00:24:41.860 spoken up a little bit more but i think i just didn't really know kind of what to expect or
00:24:47.720 whatever and so um once things kind of got just going in this just direction i was like i felt
00:24:54.320 like i was on a um you ever when you're learning to ride a bike and you start the first time it
00:25:00.460 starts going and you're like you're like i can't get it i can't get it and then it's going you're
00:25:05.180 like and then you just crash right into the side of a colgate toothpaste blue uh chevelle you know 1.00
00:25:14.580 and this bitch gets out and starts talking shit dude it's not even hers she's just sitting in it 1.00
00:25:19.160 smoking so it was kind of like that you know i just things got going downhill or going you know 1.00
00:25:26.320 down bill and i couldn't you know i just was on for the ride at a certain point and um so yeah
00:25:35.080 I think it was in some ways it was learning experience and I don't even know what I learned
00:25:38.220 from it sometimes but I'm sure that certain things will pop up and I was just you know I'm glad that
00:25:43.440 I got to sit down with somebody that I really really I mean he's just so fearless you know
00:25:49.120 he's just so fearless and I wish I would have asked him more about like parenting a little bit
00:25:55.860 you know about things you know what things that he loves about his wife I don't know I was kind
00:26:01.480 of thinking about stuff like that um i could have asked him you know you know more about like his
00:26:08.260 material and what does it mean when he gives it away and that sort of thing but we're also at
00:26:12.240 different points in our career so him you know you know the world that he's living in is different
00:26:18.240 than the one that i'm living in um but but yeah you know i think i just take from it what i can
00:26:25.300 and and uh you know and in the end just be glad that he came and sat down with me
00:26:29.400 you know i could let it kind of hurt my ego a little and and i don't think it did that but i
00:26:34.860 think if there was some ego in me that needed to be corrected then you know humility is always
00:26:40.980 even though it's painful sometimes it's a it's a rabbit that i'll let you know run around in my 0.96
00:26:46.180 shirt so i'll get that little freaking bunny that'll bust my bust my ego up and put it in 0.98
00:26:51.660 my shirt sometimes and let that bitch hop around bro and just show my chest to it you know how i'm 1.00
00:26:57.080 doing it so my bookie at the end of a hard week it's great to sit down and take some time off and 1.00
00:27:02.680 watch some football and lay some of your hard-earned wages on those on those you know those
00:27:07.580 animals on the field and um and it is nice when football's back even if you lay three dollars six
00:27:13.620 dollars nine dollars on your uh you know on whoever on yale to beat your mother-in-law
00:27:18.640 you know or beach you know or beat somebody you don't like but um but i gotta tell you guys that
00:27:25.080 If you bet, you got to bet with my bookie.
00:27:27.040 I wouldn't be telling you guys to bet with them unless they were the best.
00:27:29.460 If you like to bet, you know, if you don't like to bet, then you don't like to bet.
00:27:32.960 But if you're the kind of guy that likes to bet a little and win a lot, try a parlay.
00:27:37.640 That's where you take two shots at it.
00:27:39.200 You do two shots. 1.00
00:27:40.400 And if you get them both and you kill that big, that lamb, that falcon. 0.99
00:27:45.460 If all your picks come through, you'll multiply your winnings. 0.67
00:27:48.100 That's what I mean.
00:27:49.340 Join now and my bookie will double your first deposit.
00:27:53.100 That's right.
00:27:53.440 Use promo code T-H-E-O to activate the offer.
00:27:56.980 That's promo code T-H-E-O to activate the offer.
00:28:00.980 Visit mybookie.ag today.
00:28:04.240 That's right.
00:28:04.900 Go to mybookie.ag today.
00:28:08.900 And you play and you win and you get paid.
00:28:14.860 Also, look, I came home the other day and they got that box of meat out front.
00:28:19.140 And, dude, it's so funny because I was hungry.
00:28:21.140 I didn't have any meat on me.
00:28:22.600 I didn't have a knife.
00:28:23.720 I wasn't near a zoo.
00:28:25.100 So I probably wasn't going to have a lot of good meat.
00:28:28.240 But bam, bam, bam.
00:28:30.120 What is it?
00:28:31.220 It's meat.
00:28:33.040 Not everyone has convenient to access high quality meat.
00:28:37.220 You know, usually you have to be on the, you know, on the, on the Sahara or you got to be at, you know, near a petting zoo or something at night.
00:28:43.680 But now you can get 100% grass-fed beef.
00:28:46.620 You can get free range organic chicken.
00:28:49.420 I mean, these chickens have been all over.
00:28:50.680 You know, I'll probably see some in Maui this weekend.
00:28:53.340 You can get heritage breed pork.
00:28:56.040 God dang, can you imagine that?
00:28:58.320 Having you a couple of little sausages and tasting its history.
00:29:02.880 Or wild caught salmon. 0.99
00:29:04.500 They catch it with the damn hand out there. 0.99
00:29:06.440 You see one boy with a big hand out there catching them and they bring it right to you in the box. 0.99
00:29:10.500 That's ButcherBox.
00:29:12.400 ButcherBox believes that everyone deserves high quality, humanely sourced meat. 1.00
00:29:17.460 You want that meat, ladies? 1.00
00:29:18.900 Huh? 1.00
00:29:20.060 It's so easy to have ButcherBox meat sent to you,
00:29:22.940 and it doesn't spoil.
00:29:24.040 Mine sat out there for 24 hours.
00:29:26.760 Every month, ButcherBox ships a curated selection
00:29:29.780 of high-quality meat right to my home.
00:29:33.400 All meat is free of antibiotics and added hormones.
00:29:36.900 It's packed fresh and shipped frozen and vacuum sealed.
00:29:40.160 You can hear the Dyson they used
00:29:41.920 right before they sent that thing to you.
00:29:44.600 Right now, ButcherBox is offering
00:29:47.200 new members ground beef for life gb4l you feel me get that tat that's two pounds of ground beef
00:29:55.300 in every box for the life of their subscription plus twenty dollars off their first box that's
00:30:00.720 right just go to butcherbox.com slash theo or enter promo code theo at checkout that's butcherbox.com
00:30:08.880 slash theo or enter promo code theo at checkout two pounds of ground beef in every box for the
00:30:15.340 life of your subscription, plus $20 off that first package.
00:30:19.360 Wow, ButcherBox.
00:30:21.640 All right, let's take a call right here.
00:30:23.240 The hotline is always 985-664-9503.
00:30:27.220 Hey, Theo, it's Zach Johnson from Evangel University in Springfield, Missouri, and I
00:30:32.120 just wanted to ask you, what's your biggest fear?
00:30:35.560 Hey, Theo.
00:30:36.980 My biggest fear?
00:30:38.860 Thank you, Zach, for calling in from Evangel over there.
00:30:41.120 My biggest fear, it's commitment, man.
00:30:43.580 I think, or if you're talking land animal, then I'm saying probably coyote, I think, tiger, but less likely to see a tiger because I'm in the, you know, I live in the United States in North America.
00:30:58.860 So I'd say coyote, coyote or mountain cat, man, a mountain cat scares me, dude.
00:31:08.200 I think about going for a jog sometimes and I think about a mountain cat and I just, I just stay at home sometimes and just relax or something or have some, you know, get some, make a popcorn or do something relaxing.
00:31:19.720 But otherwise commitment, you know, I find I struggle with commitment in almost every, every space in my life.
00:31:27.960 And it's something, you know, that I need to spend some time on and I'm not being hard on myself.
00:31:31.980 I just want to be, I want to be the best of myself.
00:31:37.280 And so I want to figure out why I have such a tough time with it.
00:31:43.680 You know, and it's also some of it is a me generation.
00:31:46.180 You know, we live in a time where everybody can, you can kind of have everything.
00:31:49.340 You can have everything.
00:31:50.800 You can do, you know, you can be alone and, you know, everything is individualized more.
00:31:58.020 And so I think that that doesn't help us realizing how much we really need each other.
00:32:03.500 But for me, it's commitment across work, across relationships, and even being staying committed to myself.
00:32:12.480 You know, saying I'm going to do something and following through with it.
00:32:17.480 And that's where you build integrity, really, is by staying, you know, saying to yourself, OK, this is how I'm going to behave and then behave in that way.
00:32:27.000 And I don't really do the best job of that.
00:32:29.880 You know, I try, though, but I think that I can try more effectively.
00:32:35.620 And I think I can try by maybe getting some help to try not alone, if that makes sense.
00:32:43.980 Let's take another call that came in right here.
00:32:47.060 Here we go.
00:32:48.420 Hey, T.O., this is Jason from Central Florida.
00:32:51.780 What's up, Jason?
00:32:52.640 Thank you for hitting it up, baby.
00:32:53.640 Central Florida.
00:32:55.540 And that's over there.
00:32:56.440 A lot of reptilian over there. 0.98
00:32:57.960 I mean, you fucking do you take a walk through the swamp and come in, come just you walk right out of the water. 0.99
00:33:03.780 Come. You'll have some damn snake skin leggings on. 1.00
00:33:07.340 You know, you'll find a leech up in your grandmother's brassiere over there. 1.00
00:33:11.740 No things will suck on your tit right there. Beautiful. 0.99
00:33:14.560 Big animals over there. A lot of big mollusk.
00:33:17.900 A lot of sunburned titties over there as well. 1.00
00:33:21.060 Excuse me. I shouldn't say that, man. 0.95
00:33:23.380 I don't want to be thinking about that right now. Let's do it.
00:33:25.740 I just bought tickets for me and my future father-in-law for your show in Bethlehem, PA.
00:33:33.040 And I'm pumped, man.
00:33:34.560 Can't wait to come up there and see you.
00:33:36.140 Just got the plane tickets confirmed.
00:33:38.140 I don't know what my father-in-law is going to think. 1.00
00:33:41.740 But fuck it. 1.00
00:33:42.720 He's gone. 1.00
00:33:43.580 He's from Bethlehem.
00:33:45.320 So I thought this would be an awesome opportunity for me and him to make a connection.
00:33:50.680 Come up there and see you.
00:33:52.580 Gang, man, thank you.
00:33:53.720 You're bringing out that father-in-law.
00:33:55.740 and coming in Bethlehem.
00:33:58.460 That's like Joseph and Jesus right there.
00:34:00.520 It really is that, you know, that connection.
00:34:04.620 And Joseph was a stepdaddy.
00:34:05.900 People don't realize, you know,
00:34:08.420 they should really mark that out in the Bible.
00:34:10.400 They should even mark it out in just stepdaddy's day
00:34:13.620 on the calendar.
00:34:15.380 Because everybody has so many stepdaddies now.
00:34:17.540 It's a shame there's not an opportunity, you know,
00:34:20.620 a comfortable opportunity to buy them a cookie or a sweet.
00:34:23.200 you know buy them on you know a little bait you know a sugary delectable or something like that
00:34:28.600 and do something nice for them because they're good to you sometimes or they brought your mother
00:34:32.640 some cheap jewelry or something or got her a boat um but thank you guys for coming look
00:34:37.760 taking us a loved one if you don't have a connection with a your you know somebody you
00:34:43.000 love at their parent a good way to make a connection is to take them to a comedy show
00:34:48.920 because they'll see what you think is humorous.
00:34:51.680 And it can really bridge a lot of the gap right there.
00:34:55.320 Let's take a call again.
00:34:57.340 The hotline, 985-664-9503.
00:35:01.220 And also, I got to say that if you smell something,
00:35:06.560 and if you put your nose down near my body, you know,
00:35:11.000 and you smell something, it's pumpkin spice.
00:35:13.800 Well, it could be these new MeUndies. 0.89
00:35:16.580 Because it's that time of year, you know,
00:35:18.160 the leaves are crunchy the breeze is crisp and it's onesie season it's officially fall yep if
00:35:25.020 you put your ear up outside to the window you could hear a scarecrow in the distance
00:35:28.880 you know smoking a pipe or looking to buy a gram off somebody
00:35:32.720 and me undies the softest undies in the world knows a thing or two about the fall
00:35:39.440 because when it's fall time the weather gets you know a little naughtier and the weather 0.94
00:35:51.180 really it'll just kind of sneak up on your balls and snicker at them with a cold little giggle
00:35:56.560 and the thing you can do there is if you if the thing you can do then is you can get a onesie 1.00
00:36:02.280 from me undies imagine rolling out in front of your girl with that sexy ass onesie you know i'm 1.00
00:36:08.200 saying in one zipper you could show your chest and get your junk out and urinate as well if you 1.00
00:36:13.080 want and i mean they're soft they're softer than the foam on the top of that pumpkin spice latte 0.94
00:36:19.400 you feel me they're softer than your favorite hoodie me undies they're designed to be the
00:36:25.080 softest thing you ever put on your body they're available in sizes extra small in case you got
00:36:31.060 a little bitty friend that likes to get naked or un-naked to uh to 4xl and we have a great
00:36:37.820 offer for our listeners support the podcast guys for any first-time purchasers you get 15 off and
00:36:43.600 free shipping yep 15 off and free shipping me undies.com slash weekend that's me undies.com
00:36:53.180 slash weekend and uh and i've got them on right now and my god i mean it feels like just like a
00:37:00.580 like a soft little you know that that downy snuggle bear it feels like he's just playing 1.00
00:37:07.320 with my nuts and ass right now. 1.00
00:37:09.820 That's how soft these things are on your body. 1.00
00:37:12.840 It feels like that little downy snuggle bear
00:37:15.180 is just kind of rubbing his neck 0.95
00:37:16.700 up against the back of my nuts right now. 0.81
00:37:19.520 And if you don't think that's soft,
00:37:22.400 then my goodness,
00:37:24.520 you don't know what things are.
00:37:27.480 So, go support the podcast if you can.
00:37:30.500 MeUndies.com slash weekend.
00:37:33.680 Let's take another call that came in right here.
00:37:36.040 Hey, Theo, man. Huge fan. This is Raymond James. That's my music name. I make music.
00:37:43.540 Raymond James, that music maker. And that's also the name of the stadium in Tampa Bay, Raymond James Stadium.
00:37:49.920 Ray J is also a man. I think he was a famous rapper or something, and he stole everybody's money off that fire island.
00:37:57.900 Let's hear more.
00:37:58.540 But anyways, I was really excited to see that your show in Milwaukee in October got put back up.
00:38:09.180 That's great news, man.
00:38:10.820 And I don't know if I'm calling a little bit late about this,
00:38:13.720 but I have a mom I'd actually like to nominate for single night's mom's night out.
00:38:21.540 That mommination. 0.99
00:38:22.660 That mommination.
00:38:23.600 We got you, baby. 0.89
00:38:24.620 Onward.
00:38:25.820 Her name's Destiny Gonzalez.
00:38:27.400 She's 27.
00:38:28.540 she's she's got two adorable little kids i'm only 23 but i i met her and um known her my whole life
00:38:37.720 and uh unfortunately the guy is you know he was he's he wasn't in um the kid's lives at all but
00:38:45.020 she's a she's a great mom and i just uh come to the show either way just wanted to let you know
00:38:50.560 gang brother and i didn't mean to cut you off but i'm gonna have nick reach out to you um
00:38:56.140 Um, and we will, uh, we'll line it up.
00:38:59.320 We'll do something special for her.
00:39:01.080 So, uh, thank you for the nomination there, Milwaukee.
00:39:05.080 Um, yeah, it'd be good.
00:39:06.620 We haven't got to do that in a while.
00:39:08.020 So, thank you.
00:39:09.680 And I'm excited to come back to these, some of these places.
00:39:12.000 You know, we took them off the books and putting them back on the books.
00:39:14.300 And, um, and I'm excited.
00:39:17.600 I've been working on some new material a little bit the past couple weeks.
00:39:20.640 Uh, this is still going to be the, the, the dark arts tour.
00:39:23.780 I only have about 20 shows left on it.
00:39:26.700 So it's like about eight or ten shows here in the U.S.
00:39:30.240 and then ten shows over there in Europe.
00:39:34.020 And that'll be the end of it.
00:39:35.000 Isn't that crazy?
00:39:37.240 Man.
00:39:39.520 That'll be the end of it, man.
00:39:41.040 It's sad kind of a little bit, but it's not sad yet.
00:39:43.480 It's still exciting.
00:39:45.200 Let's take a call that came in right here.
00:39:47.460 Here we go.
00:39:49.340 What's going on, Gio?
00:39:50.380 This is Michael calling from Baltimore.
00:39:53.920 I've got a little issue here.
00:39:55.980 I've been with my girl for two years, and we had a little conversation yesterday where
00:40:02.060 it kind of came out that she doesn't really want to have sex anymore.
00:40:07.560 Oh, okay. 0.78
00:40:08.560 So she took that nookie, huh? 0.99
00:40:10.200 She took that nookie off the mesa, baby, off the table. 1.00
00:40:14.420 She took that nookie off the mesa. 1.00
00:40:19.540 So I'm guessing titties only, or what is it? 1.00
00:40:21.720 Let's hear more. 0.61
00:40:22.680 Not necessarily even with me.
00:40:24.360 she just doesn't enjoy sex at all and she she thinks back to the times when she was single
00:40:30.420 and and when she was out there and you know she had a couple little romps herself and she said 0.97
00:40:35.180 she never really getting dick that's what they say or getting you know doing sex sorry i shouldn't 0.99
00:40:39.520 have said that part about the dick but uh yeah man well it seemed like she's been out there before 0.99
00:40:45.480 she obviously knows what it's like to have sex uh and you guys have had sex it seems like 0.99
00:40:50.380 so sorry i'm just making sure i know all the clues to this let's go more enjoyed it then
00:40:56.340 i guess back then she said she enjoyed the excitement of going out and meeting new people
00:41:00.400 but not really you know even the sexual aspect of things we're gonna have to make a decision here 0.99
00:41:05.780 next may she's gonna graduate from a grad school and go and get a job somewhere in the country 0.99
00:41:12.920 and and you know i'm either gonna follow her and be with her or i'm gonna stay where i'm at
00:41:18.300 I don't know what to do.
00:41:20.560 Well, I think, I appreciate your calling, man. 0.54
00:41:23.780 You know, if she doesn't want to have sex and you might have to move with her, 0.61
00:41:26.960 it's really up to you.
00:41:28.540 It's like, do you, is sex important to you?
00:41:32.540 You know, you could always just draw a picture of her in the bathroom 0.99
00:41:35.180 or in the shower or something and masturbate to it and live together. 0.98
00:41:40.140 You could, let's hear, any more clues onward? 0.99
00:41:44.180 Man, I don't know if I can be with somebody who doesn't want to have sex.
00:41:48.300 Yeah, I think it's risky, man. 1.00
00:41:50.380 It's risky, and it also seems she could be a lesbian. 1.00
00:41:54.800 And a lesbian, somebody that has sex, usually, 1.00
00:41:57.460 at first they have sex behind your back with other women, 1.00
00:41:59.800 and then they just go have sex with women. 1.00
00:42:04.080 It's not even sex. 0.98
00:42:05.240 I mean, it is sex, but it's different. 0.99
00:42:07.060 There's not a wiener. 0.91
00:42:12.300 So...
00:42:12.740 It sounds like you got a friend.
00:42:16.560 You know, and I hate to say that to you.
00:42:18.120 I know you love her, but it sounds like you have like a loving friend.
00:42:22.800 So what I would do is I would talk to her and see if there's any chance for you guys to have children.
00:42:27.840 Because maybe she just wants to have kids and you guys do, you know, are just loving parents.
00:42:33.320 And you get your sexual elsewhere. 0.98
00:42:35.960 You know, you get your sex down the block down there by the Casey's General Store or something. 1.00
00:42:40.680 Meet a bad bitch over there by the Hot Cheetos or something. 1.00
00:42:43.540 or buy the little, 1.00
00:42:44.780 sometimes they have pizzas in there
00:42:46.300 on a little wheelie,
00:42:47.820 on that kind of cooking wheelie.
00:42:50.700 But it sounds like you have a friend to me.
00:42:53.260 So my suggestion would be
00:42:54.400 just to communicate with her real clearly.
00:42:57.000 Because if you go spending gas money
00:42:58.940 and going across America or something, 1.00
00:43:00.780 you might end up in one of those damn cults 1.00
00:43:03.420 or whatever. 1.00
00:43:05.560 But I wish you well, man,
00:43:08.280 and I appreciate you calling in.
00:43:09.960 Let's take another call here.
00:43:11.260 Here we go.
00:43:11.760 hey theo it's your uh asian brother justin from uh jersey what's up jay from jers how y'all doing
00:43:21.740 out there jersey dude and i saw a friend of mine bro somebody um when he was real real young dude
00:43:28.860 somebody uh stabbed him in uh in new jersey onward um i was just calling man to uh see how you've
00:43:38.160 in so i've been doing pretty good man thanks for asking um what's been going on not much i'm
00:43:45.640 supposed to go to a party tonight actually david spade invited me out so you know i'm name dropping
00:43:49.900 and he's coming on the podcast this week uh but what else uh not much man i haven't been feeling
00:44:00.420 that good but i'm trying to just find some more motivation i'm trying to just you know honestly
00:44:06.960 to quit looking for motivation outside of myself and look for it more inside of myself 0.55
00:44:10.740 because that's what's missing for me right now um you know i'm not fucking you know i'm not just 0.69
00:44:18.420 kind of sacking up and just saying look this is what i want and this is you know and it's okay 0.78
00:44:26.440 and it's okay to you know to to progress and move forward and and stuff like that but anyway i'm
00:44:34.800 rambling about me let's hear more about you brother my concern right now is um i just started
00:44:41.420 meeting this new girl letter online we uh we uh had uh relations on the first date okay and that's 0.99
00:44:50.620 sex it could be sex could be oral could be hard oral you know and a lot of times a lady will get 1.00
00:44:56.940 down i've seen on the internet they'll get on their knees and you get behind them and hit them 0.99
00:45:00.320 with that hummingbird you feel me and that's either where you kind of do like a real hard
00:45:06.700 tongue real in and out like you're uh you know trying to taste the battery but being afraid
00:45:12.760 trying to you know touch the top of a duracell but having fear you or you some people can get 0.57
00:45:19.600 an erection real quick and drop it at the same time real back and forth real fast and they'll 0.97
00:45:23.500 just kind of do that on the lady's body on a and do that hummingbird over there looking for that 0.98
00:45:29.060 sweet that moisture daddy but jesus christ man i'm getting hard thinking about all this
00:45:33.560 what is going on today man i think my i think i'm thinking about hawaii bro my body's already in
00:45:39.620 uh hawaii uh let's hear more i really like her uh we vibe really well similar interests um
00:45:48.520 you know good spooning size all that good stuff just uh it's just bugging me out a little bit 0.69
00:45:55.100 that um she's a very highly sexual woman oh yeah she got that fifth gear bro you know what i'm 1.00
00:46:02.660 saying she's into somebody just squeezing on her shoulders or on her tits let's go more brother 1.00
00:46:07.780 and she or anything i mean a lot of i know a girl used to wear real heavy shoes when she would fuck 1.00
00:46:14.500 and she'd put even like what she would weight them down so you she just had these heavy ass 1.00
00:46:21.060 you know the her feet were just heavy as fuck dude just real just real you know like almost 1.00
00:46:28.500 like her own gravity at the end of each leg just you know she had about 16 pounds of shoe and 0.99
00:46:32.840 you know sometimes metal kind of tied to the bottom of it just sexual you know people are wild
00:46:38.400 doesn't seem too uh conservative about her sexuality so i'm just uh just want to know
00:46:48.160 your opinion man about uh about a woman that you know is open to relations on the first date
00:46:54.160 well i mean you have to be open to it too you know women are a lot more sexual these days
00:46:59.860 you know when i was young you had to see i remember one girl would show sometimes would 1.00
00:47:04.120 drive by and press her vagina against a window of a ford mustang 5.0 and you know that was a lot 0.97
00:47:13.580 that was a lot of the most of the sex i had when i was young was just seeing her go by you know 0.99
00:47:17.260 once a quarter or whatever once a year three or four times a year but uh what was this about but 0.53
00:47:25.100 you have to um oh here's the thing brother you had sex too on the first date so both y'all did
00:47:31.300 so anything you think about her you got to think about you
00:47:35.300 kind of you know just you know so if you want her if you want things to be different with her 1.00
00:47:42.960 then you got to make it different you know take her to a splash park or take her to a 0.99
00:47:47.760 you know get her over there to the dairy queen or to the family dollar you guys go do some shopping
00:47:53.020 get some craft stuff make kites or something you know take her on a date or two without touching
00:47:59.200 and then bring her over for a little bit of uh you know get get some of those get a pack of 1.00
00:48:03.360 johnson's brats and grill them bad bitches up let her smell the smoke of that meat and then later 1.00
00:48:10.520 put a little bit of a tenderizer around your junk 1.00
00:48:14.420 and hit her with that last brat. 1.00
00:48:19.340 I think that sixth brat 0.83
00:48:20.800 because a lot of them come in a package of five.
00:48:22.640 My stepdad used to make them and he passed away.
00:48:24.800 But before he died, he would grill them up all the time.
00:48:28.200 That's all he ever talked about too.
00:48:29.720 He had Alzheimer's and he would talk about
00:48:31.240 them Johnsonville brats. 0.99
00:48:36.120 But yeah, I mean, if she had sex on the first date 0.99
00:48:38.880 and you like her,
00:48:39.860 I think you got to separate those two things.
00:48:42.880 You know, you could tell her,
00:48:43.880 look, I really like you.
00:48:44.900 I want to, you know,
00:48:45.580 kind of take things a little slower 0.99
00:48:46.860 or you guys can just keep having sex 1.00
00:48:49.120 and just also like her.
00:48:52.840 So, but it's not like both of you guys engaged in it.
00:48:56.740 I love you, bro.
00:48:57.420 Have a good one, man.
00:48:58.100 I appreciate you calling in.
00:49:02.680 All right, I think that's,
00:49:04.200 I got to go to the beach.
00:49:05.940 here I'll play this one call man
00:49:09.380 here we go thank you guys for calling
00:49:11.220 as
00:49:13.080 always the hotline
00:49:14.680 985-664-9503
00:49:18.600 here we go
00:49:20.880 hey what up 0.99
00:49:22.780 the rat king 0.96
00:49:24.780 el raton de reyes
00:49:27.000 onward
00:49:28.820 el rey raton
00:49:31.600 oh there you go
00:49:32.560 el rey raton
00:49:34.160 gracias
00:49:35.160 yeah man so i'm just calling because uh i feel a little guilty man this past weekend i was
00:49:42.940 chilling with my friend big wave dave bwd boy big wave dave out there bro don't let him drown you
00:49:49.580 feel me because sometimes people have a name like that you know splashy johansson or whatever 0.83
00:49:54.900 or fucking uh you know they'll have uh you know lake jake or something like that and then they 0.66
00:50:02.640 drown so because they're you know they try to live up to the name onward we're making the magic 0.99
00:50:07.880 brownies baby i'm not talking about that bill cosby special i'm talking about that that weed
00:50:13.260 okay you're talking about that green that leafy dessert huh you made some weed brownies and what
00:50:18.820 else onward and uh yeah so we made them brownies right i was higher than bud's alderman baby
00:50:24.920 gang i feel you look bro i'm feel armstrong you got me go the next morning i got a call from my
00:50:32.220 father he said he said your mother's in the emergency room oh man i'm sorry to hear that
00:50:38.600 dude uh i just didn't expect you to say that just now because you and big wave dave boy
00:50:44.160 or whatever his name was you know um you guys were just having snacks onward i was shocked i said
00:50:53.640 well what happened and he said nothing she felt like she was having a heart attack she was dying
00:51:00.560 or something.
00:51:02.220 Well, that's something, bro.
00:51:03.020 That's not nothing.
00:51:04.100 Nothing is,
00:51:05.720 you know,
00:51:06.900 maybe sitting,
00:51:07.840 sitting outside
00:51:08.460 on the porch
00:51:09.040 or something
00:51:09.420 or,
00:51:10.040 you know,
00:51:11.860 getting in your car
00:51:12.520 and you haven't started it yet
00:51:13.620 but you haven't,
00:51:14.760 you're not looking
00:51:15.280 at your phone yet
00:51:15.940 or anything,
00:51:16.380 you're just sitting in there.
00:51:19.780 Onward?
00:51:21.220 I said, 1.00
00:51:21.680 damn, 1.00
00:51:22.000 well, 1.00
00:51:22.260 what should she eat?
00:51:23.420 She said she didn't eat nothing.
00:51:24.780 She just ate
00:51:25.300 a little bit of those brownies
00:51:27.120 she left in the morning
00:51:27.980 except for last night.
00:51:29.960 I mean,
00:51:30.180 i'm sorry so yeah just feeling a little guilty probably won't ever tell it and um yeah it's
00:51:37.040 just a heavy load to carry on on me for the rest of my life gang gang baby gang bro yeah that's a
00:51:43.780 lot when you're out there drugging your own mother secretly through dessert that's heavy
00:51:50.140 you know that's real real heavy when your mother you know the lady that brought you out of her own 0.93
00:51:57.680 womb bro she sprouted you out into the world through that vaheen papa and you drugging her 1.00
00:52:03.500 out at the house she can't even go to her own ice box and get a couple of sweet treats without 1.00
00:52:08.640 you fucking dousing her up Jesus Christa papa I mean come on bro your own mother who gestated 0.99
00:52:18.260 you inside of her body brother who sprouted you from the size of nothing and who just 1.00
00:52:25.100 just let you down that magic sweat elevator into the world into existence and you out there dousing 0.57
00:52:32.780 her up with them little cosby cakes bro come on man bro you need to write your mom a letter dude
00:52:40.540 and mail it to her and tell her what happened bro i don't think it's the thing you say face to face 0.56
00:52:45.600 i think you send her a letter and say look mom i'm that dude you know that drugs his mother
00:52:53.840 I'm the guy who drugs his mother through nighttime, you know, through sweets, through, you know, morsels, through, you know, dessert.
00:53:02.940 Because who, you know what I'm saying?
00:53:04.280 What's next? 0.67
00:53:06.200 You're going to, you know, slip your father a couple things of molly, bro.
00:53:10.000 You're going to put a little Percocet in your sister-in-law's pudding.
00:53:14.040 Where does it end?
00:53:16.040 So I think coming clean, bro.
00:53:18.860 That's it.
00:53:19.560 and they'll call you big wave dave and come and clean gene and i know your name is not gene but
00:53:25.520 if it was it would make great sense there so that's all i got man that's all i have for you
00:53:29.920 today uh i'm going to hawaii i want to thank nick i want to thank you guys um and uh what else is
00:53:39.180 going on not much i'm excited to just kind of chill out for a week and i literally just decided
00:53:44.920 kind of at the last minute
00:53:45.840 I've been hoping that
00:53:46.620 to get things all lined up
00:53:48.020 and
00:53:48.180 and everything is
00:53:50.340 is okay
00:53:51.080 so
00:53:51.760 thank you guys for calling in
00:53:54.540 thank you guys for the support
00:53:55.840 and I'm excited to come
00:53:57.880 and hit those tour dates
00:53:59.080 and I hope you're doing well
00:54:02.380 you know
00:54:03.640 I hope you're making it
00:54:04.300 through another week
00:54:05.220 it's an exciting time of year
00:54:07.080 to look forward to
00:54:07.840 you know
00:54:08.260 with Christmas coming up
00:54:11.360 and
00:54:11.600 you know
00:54:12.620 they got all the
00:54:13.480 fancy drinks at starbucks coming up you know and it's a beautiful time of year it's a good time to
00:54:18.860 meet somebody new or to let somebody know you care about them it's a good time to make your
00:54:23.920 mother some cookies that are uh you know that aren't a schedule one narcotic so it's really
00:54:31.060 just a it's a good time to be somebody and to do something for someone and uh yeah i'm gonna try to
00:54:38.040 Just take it easy, man, and be grateful.
00:54:40.880 I'm grateful you guys are here today.
00:54:43.440 You guys be good to yourselves because you guys deserve it.
00:54:47.020 You know, I know that.
00:54:48.160 I say it every week, but I mean it. 1.00
00:54:52.940 Gang. 1.00
00:55:08.040 I'm just sitting on your front porch
00:55:11.560 Wondering how could I be so far from my home
00:55:16.760 And my mind is somewhere else
00:55:22.240 But when I find it I'll patch up where it's been blown
00:55:27.580 Now I'm just floating on the breeze
00:55:33.840 And I feel I'm falling like these leaves
00:55:36.800 I must be cornerstone
00:55:40.120 Oh, but when I reach that ground
00:55:44.680 I'll share this piece of my life
00:55:47.000 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite
00:56:02.080 and welcome to Kite Club,
00:56:03.400 a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts
00:56:05.640 on things like current events, stand-up
00:56:07.820 stories, and seven ways to
00:56:09.600 pleasure your partner. The answer
00:56:11.640 may shock you. Sometimes I'll
00:56:13.540 interview my friends. Sometimes I won't.
00:56:16.640 And as always, I'll
00:56:17.640 be joined by the voices in my head.
00:56:19.580 You have three new voice
00:56:21.720 messages. A lot of people
00:56:23.660 are talking about Kite Club.
00:56:25.480 I've been talking about Kite Club for so
00:56:27.640 long. Longer than anybody else.
00:56:29.780 So great.
00:56:31.120 Hi, sweetheart. Easy deal.
00:56:34.080 Anyone who doesn't listen to 1.00
00:56:35.400 Kite Club is a dodgy, bloody wanker. 1.00
00:56:38.060 Jermaine. 1.00
00:56:40.000 I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese
00:56:41.980 and a McFlurry.
00:56:43.140 Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
00:56:45.240 Oh, no!
00:56:47.500 I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.
00:56:49.920 Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is
00:56:52.220 tell everyone about Kite Club.
00:56:54.100 Second rule of Kite Club is
00:56:55.860 tell everyone about Kite Club.
00:56:58.360 Third rule, like and subscribe
00:57:00.060 wherever you listen to podcasts
00:57:01.520 or watch us on YouTube, yeah?
00:57:04.160 And yes, don't worry,
00:57:05.400 My Brad Pitt impression will get better.
00:57:08.040 Recently, our company's softball team lost the big game by one run.
00:57:12.320 Then Dale tried to console us with the quote,
00:57:14.760 winning isn't everything.
00:57:16.640 Well, Dale and I are very different.
00:57:20.320 I get early payout from Bet365.
00:57:22.380 If my team goes up big, I get paid out instantly,
00:57:25.060 even if they blow the lead later.
00:57:27.040 Sound familiar, Dale?
00:57:28.840 Thanks, Bet365.
00:57:30.460 Must be 19 or older, Ontario only.
00:57:32.000 Please play responsibly.
00:57:32.820 If you have questions or concerns about your gambling
00:57:34.240 or the gambling of someone close to you,
00:57:35.340 please go to connexontario.ca
00:57:36.620 and see supply.