This Past Weekend with Theo Von - Jay Mohr 2

00:00:00.000 He'll be appearing at the Addison Improv this weekend in Addison, Texas,

00:00:06.760 next weekend at the Houston Improv,

00:00:09.180 and the week after at SideSplitters in Tampa, Florida.

00:00:13.320 He is from countless movies.

00:00:16.920 He's sports shows.

00:00:21.680 He's my brother in a lot of struggles,

00:00:25.240 and he was our first guest,

00:00:27.520 and I'm happy to have him back here.

00:00:30.000 Ladies and gentlemen, my friend, Mr. J. Moore.

00:00:53.960 You will be doing fine.

00:00:55.480 You will always be doing fine.

00:00:56.960 Yeah.

00:00:57.420 You will always.

00:00:59.040 When I just came in, you were like,

00:01:01.740 I said, it's a jungle out there.

00:01:04.280 And you're like, it's just dirty dogs.

00:01:06.580 Yeah.

00:01:07.460 And I'm like, but we're always going to win

00:01:08.900 because we're the champion dogs.

00:01:10.620 Yeah.

00:01:11.520 I was telling you about like, I didn't tell you.

00:01:13.700 There's dirty dogs out there.

00:01:15.100 But we're always going to beat them.

00:01:16.260 Yeah.

00:01:16.720 Because we're game.

00:01:17.720 Yeah.

00:01:18.600 Dog fights are always,

00:01:20.280 I told you I was going to tell you this,

00:01:22.500 the perception of dog fights in the United States

00:01:24.660 is so misconstrued because of Michael Vick,

00:01:26.640 like shooting a dog and electrocuting it and throwing it in a pool,

00:01:28.980 putting it in a fucking headlock.

00:01:30.280 They did all of that, really?

00:01:31.480 Oh, yeah.

00:01:31.860 I didn't read all of that.

00:01:33.000 I read the first page.

00:01:33.860 They just abused the dogs.

00:01:34.960 Yeah.

00:01:35.040 And people in the United States that have dog fights,

00:01:37.160 they're not good to the dogs.

00:01:38.380 But if you go to places where it's legal,

00:01:40.860 like the Philippines or Brazil.

00:01:42.320 Oh, yeah.

00:01:42.780 They're champions.

00:01:43.720 The dog feeds a town.

00:01:45.600 He's Muhammad Ali.

00:01:46.780 Yeah.

00:01:47.540 So you can't mistreat it.

00:01:48.960 Like the dog has to cut weight.

00:01:50.220 Right.

00:01:50.640 It's got to eat the most spectacular food.

00:01:53.920 It sleeps with its handler.

00:01:55.140 If two pit bulls are fighting and you go to break them up,

00:01:57.420 it's going to bite your hand unless it knows you and loves you so much,

00:02:01.620 it would never bite your hand.

00:02:02.600 So you can't mistreat the dog.

00:02:03.620 It would bite you, right?

00:02:04.240 Yeah.

00:02:05.040 So people think they fight to the death.

00:02:06.640 They don't.

00:02:07.860 What happened in a dog fight,

00:02:08.980 this is from Sam Sheridan's book,

00:02:11.180 A Fighter's Heart.

00:02:12.800 They let the dogs go.

00:02:14.120 They fight for a few seconds.

00:02:15.240 They pull them apart.

00:02:15.960 They make the bets.

00:02:16.720 They let the dogs go.

00:02:17.620 They fight for a few seconds.

00:02:18.580 They pull them apart.

00:02:19.260 They bet.

00:02:19.920 This goes on for three hours.

00:02:21.680 Wow.

00:02:22.220 It's like a mating dance almost.

00:02:23.720 It keeps going and going like five hours,

00:02:26.920 six hours until one dog doesn't come out.

00:02:32.080 The other dog keeps coming out because he's game.

00:02:35.080 That's the dog that wins the dog fight.

00:02:36.520 The one that just keeps coming.

00:02:37.640 Right.

00:02:37.840 You lose a dog fight by going, ready, go.

00:02:40.700 As soon as that dog pauses, it's over.

00:02:43.360 So finally one dog's just like, I'm chilling.

00:02:45.680 I'm done.

00:02:46.120 I'm not so struggling.

00:02:46.840 Frisbee only.

00:02:47.780 And the owners are like, go, go, go, go.

00:02:49.760 But it's over.

00:02:51.060 So it's called gameness.

00:02:52.980 Wow.

00:02:53.220 A dog that's game is always going to win.

00:02:54.840 Sometimes they'll die because they're too game.

00:02:56.900 They don't know they're losing.

00:02:58.040 They just keep coming out.

00:02:58.940 They just keep coming out.

00:02:59.740 They just keep coming.

00:03:00.460 And a good dog handler will take his dog out because he knows the dog will never stop.

00:03:04.900 But you and I, we're game.

00:03:06.700 Yeah.

00:03:07.080 We have gameness.

00:03:07.920 That's all we know.

00:03:08.740 You just keep coming out.

00:03:10.040 It's going to be fine.

00:03:10.900 That's true, man.

00:03:11.740 You're going to win.

00:03:12.640 Yeah.

00:03:12.880 I'm almost shoulders first a lot of times.

00:03:14.500 I'm just going forward.

00:03:15.720 Right.

00:03:16.220 You know?

00:03:16.860 Yeah.

00:03:17.100 It's like, yeah, I'll just keep going right back into the fire.

00:03:19.640 People are like, dude, you have Vaseline all over you.

00:03:21.840 Dude, we're just in there.

00:03:23.140 And I'm like, I got to go back in there, man.

00:03:25.120 That's an illegal substance, man.

00:03:26.360 Yeah.

00:03:27.520 I think I left something in there.

00:03:29.860 Dude.

00:03:30.180 And yeah, I can't believe it.

00:03:31.500 That's a beautiful thing.

00:03:32.600 In Philippines, you go there and they got a dog probably sleeping on like a, you know.

00:03:38.360 They sleep with the owner.

00:03:39.500 Oh, Jesus.

00:03:40.100 They sleep with the handler.

00:03:41.240 That's fucking unfortunate.

00:03:42.360 That's sad.

00:03:43.220 No, no.

00:03:43.740 Why is that sad?

00:03:44.720 I mean, I just think it's.

00:03:45.760 That dog's the whole cash cow for a town.

00:03:48.880 Yeah.

00:03:49.000 I guess you'd probably want to keep it with you all night then.

00:03:50.860 Look, when that, they have to.

00:03:52.480 They make sure no one messes with it.

00:03:54.220 They feed it like Kobe beef and lean proteins.

00:03:56.580 Oh, wow.

00:03:56.600 Fish, I bet.

00:03:57.220 Yeah.

00:03:57.840 That's crazy.

00:03:58.460 They don't get dog food.

00:03:59.540 Yeah.

00:03:59.980 They're prize fighters.

00:04:01.540 They're actual prize fighters.

00:04:02.620 Yeah.

00:04:03.400 Yeah.

00:04:03.900 Yeah.

00:04:04.300 You wouldn't fucking just feed Evander Holyfield graham crackers, you know?

00:04:09.800 It'd be insane, bro.

00:04:11.700 Hey, I got you some saltines, real deal.

00:04:13.560 You want some potato salad and saltines, man?

00:04:21.020 Saltines.

00:04:21.540 Ritz crap.

00:04:22.140 What'd you say?

00:04:22.620 What'd you say?

00:04:23.060 Graham crackers?

00:04:23.500 Graham crackers, man.

00:04:24.440 I didn't know why I tried the top.

00:04:25.360 It was perfect.

00:04:25.900 Yeah.

00:04:26.400 No, saltines is fun to watch, though, because he has kind of a darker complexion.

00:04:31.040 I've seen a saltine go into his mouth.

00:04:32.680 It's more of a.

00:04:33.240 He's so thirsty.

00:04:34.280 Yeah.

00:04:34.540 It's more of a, yeah, more of a unique look.

00:04:38.300 What's going on, man?

00:04:39.500 Good to see you, bro.

00:04:40.320 How's the wrestling going?

00:04:41.160 How's coaching going?

00:04:42.380 It's my favorite thing in my life.

00:04:44.140 You look jacked, kind of.

00:04:45.420 I'm doing good.

00:04:46.120 I wrestle every day.

00:04:47.140 Do you?

00:04:48.020 I'm not going to tell a kid to do something I'm not doing.

00:04:50.100 Yeah.

00:04:50.500 Because the way we were coached doesn't work.

00:04:52.420 Yeah.

00:04:53.200 Really?

00:04:54.320 Yeah.

00:04:54.980 In high school, 84 to 88, and then college for briefly, 89.

00:04:59.580 Actually, 88 still.

00:05:01.220 Where'd you fight?

00:05:01.820 Indoors or outdoors, mostly?

00:05:03.480 It was in the gym.

00:05:04.100 It was like, you know, you just roll the wrestling mats out in the gym, in the wrestling

00:05:07.460 room at Rockers.

00:05:08.300 Oh, yeah.

00:05:09.140 And it's like coaches go, my way or the highway?

00:05:10.960 You say that now, it's going to be a real packed highway.

00:05:13.640 Those kids will go, really?

00:05:15.080 Yeah.

00:05:15.340 They got their phones.

00:05:16.260 They got their apps.

00:05:17.180 I mean, they're getting laid.

00:05:19.100 Wow.

00:05:19.460 Like, we didn't have any life when we were in high school.

00:05:21.400 I didn't.

00:05:22.260 Oh, no.

00:05:22.760 Especially wrestling.

00:05:23.620 Those kids were just beating the acne off of each other, it looked like.

00:05:26.320 And it's year round now, too.

00:05:27.720 So it's like, you're with these kids for four years, 12 months of the year.

00:05:31.980 Wow.

00:05:32.280 Like, three, two hours a day, three hours a day.

00:05:34.400 Then you see them on weekends, on a tournament.

00:05:35.880 It takes, like, 10 hours all day.

00:05:38.340 They'll get sick of you really quick if you're, like, my way or the highway.

00:05:41.340 Basically, I just coach the way I wish I was coached.

00:05:43.260 Oh, wow.

00:05:44.060 I just try to communicate with them, tell them I love them.

00:05:46.220 That's cool, man.

00:05:47.200 But, yeah, I'm not going to go, like, do this, throw the front headlock, and I'd rather

00:05:50.900 just show them.

00:05:52.240 Can they do, what are some of the new moves people are doing out there?

00:05:55.200 Like, what's kind of, like, the new, is there some?

00:05:56.780 No, there's no, like, new moves.

00:05:58.000 It gets a little, like, we call it funk.

00:06:00.520 And once in a while, there's some funk, like, this new, like, thing where you do a weird.

00:06:05.500 And it's just, it all circles back to the, it's, you know, single leg, double leg, front

00:06:09.920 headlock, spin behind, get you two points, half Nelson, one-on-one armbar.

00:06:14.120 It's all, you know, cradle, cradle, cradle.

00:06:15.700 It's all the same shit.

00:06:17.120 That's crazy, man.

00:06:18.000 A lot of strategy, huh?

00:06:19.620 It's kind of like high-speed chess.

00:06:22.300 Yeah.

00:06:22.660 And, like, the sooner you can get thinking out of their heads, the better they'll be.

00:06:29.060 Like, you want them to sense.

00:06:31.100 Like, if I'm on bottom and a guy's on top, I can sense he's too high and I can roll him.

00:06:36.100 But I'm not like, okay, if he gets too high.

00:06:38.200 Right.

00:06:38.600 You can't.

00:06:39.120 You're death by thought.

00:06:39.960 You can't be out there with, like, a yardstick, you know, trying to figure out where the guy

00:06:45.000 is.

00:06:45.200 A scroll.

00:06:45.620 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:06:47.280 If he gets too high on his ride, I shall roll him.

00:06:51.300 Now, is it homoerotic out there?

00:06:54.120 Do you see a lot of young, is it, like, a lot of, do you have any transgender wrestlers

00:06:57.780 or anything like that with you?

00:06:58.580 No, we got girls in the room now.

00:06:59.900 That's very popular.

00:07:00.860 I love it.

00:07:01.520 Is it?

00:07:02.000 Yeah, I love it.

00:07:03.200 Because they're never going to get assaulted in college.

00:07:05.500 Oh, yeah, that's true.

00:07:06.240 Like, you got a 14, 15-year-old girl in the wrestling room and you realize every day you're

00:07:10.320 keeping her, like, you're teaching her and keeping her from being sexually assaulted.

00:07:15.140 Yeah.

00:07:15.320 Some guy in college is going to be drunk and try to put her on a mattress and she's just going

00:07:18.360 to be like, later.

00:07:19.560 Put the rear choke in naked, rear naked choke, huh?

00:07:23.360 It's great.

00:07:23.980 You could be fully naked and fucking choke somebody out, too.

00:07:26.640 Yeah.

00:07:26.940 You know why I love it, actually, Theo, the most?

00:07:28.720 Because, look, I'm an addict.

00:07:32.160 Everything's an addiction to me.

00:07:33.180 Like, fishing.

00:07:33.700 I make fishing an addiction.

00:07:35.020 Yeah.

00:07:35.540 I don't know what one of anything is.

00:07:37.680 But part of being an addict is I like to give with conditions.

00:07:41.440 So, if I send you, like, a thank you note, I think I might have told you this before.

00:07:45.260 A couple weeks go by, I'm like, I didn't hear anything from Theo about the thank you

00:07:48.500 note.

00:07:49.840 Then I start building a little resentment, like, what's with Theo?

00:07:50.700 He can't even thank me for sending him a nice note?

00:07:52.520 That's not why you send somebody something.

00:07:54.340 Right.

00:07:55.140 So, in wrestling, in the wrestling room coaching, it's the only time I'm selfless because they

00:07:59.700 can't give me anything back.

00:08:01.140 They can't give me anything back except feeling good about themselves.

00:08:04.660 Yeah.

00:08:05.080 Wow.

00:08:05.360 The only, I found a room two hours a day where I am selfless.

00:08:10.440 Oh.

00:08:11.120 And I get nothing from it except a kid going, oh, wow.

00:08:14.780 Like, I am better than I thought.

00:08:17.420 And it makes me cry.

00:08:18.660 Damn.

00:08:18.780 Like, I drive home sometimes with tears in my eyes.

00:08:21.560 That's cool, man.

00:08:22.600 Good for you, dude.

00:08:23.920 Good for you.

00:08:25.840 Good for you.

00:08:26.820 I'll get you in there.

00:08:27.480 I'll just say you're my son.

00:08:29.500 Yeah.

00:08:29.780 To say tall, troubled, disabled.

00:08:32.080 I got, like, three kids in there with mustaches.

00:08:34.240 Yeah, dude.

00:08:35.260 It's a charter school.

00:08:36.020 I got Mexicans.

00:08:36.660 I got kids coming in from South Central.

00:08:38.660 I got Johnny Z got a mustache.

00:08:40.400 Caesar got a mustache.

00:08:41.560 Little Anthony's got a mustache.

00:08:42.820 Little Anthony always has a mustache, dude.

00:08:44.860 I love Little Anthony.

00:08:45.820 Any city you go to, Little Anthony has a mustache.

00:08:48.660 Even if he fucking was snuck into his fucking stepdad's room and cut part of his beard off

00:08:54.040 and used honey to fucking put it up above his lip.

00:08:57.020 Little Anthony's brand new.

00:08:58.320 He's, like, 105 pounds.

00:08:59.440 He's a freshman.

00:09:00.040 Always is.

00:09:00.620 He talks like Luis Goosman.

00:09:01.860 He's, like, listen, where do I get wrestling shoes?

00:09:05.200 Papi, listen, what?

00:09:06.620 He didn't call me Papi.

00:09:07.420 I was, like, where do I get wrestling shoes?

00:09:09.940 Like, because I'm wrestling in socks with the ladies.

00:09:13.880 And is there any guys, do they have any finishing moves?

00:09:16.180 Do they dance after or anything like that?

00:09:17.660 Has he gotten to that point yet with wrestling?

00:09:19.700 No, it's really just, you know, he can't, like, dance and shit like that.

00:09:24.300 It's still mano-a-mano, huh?

00:09:26.120 Mano-mano when you're done, you know, you shake the other kid's hand, you shake the other

00:09:28.880 coach's hand.

00:09:29.820 Wow.

00:09:30.120 The other kid comes over and shakes your hand, you wave to the coach or whatever.

00:09:33.680 Some kids are bent out of shape about it.

00:09:35.340 That's awesome.

00:09:36.460 What's y'all's team name?

00:09:37.380 The Panthers or what is it?

00:09:38.600 The Dolphins.

00:09:39.360 Yeah.

00:09:39.860 Oh, wow.

00:09:40.480 Really?

00:09:41.100 Palisades.

00:09:42.180 Yeah.

00:09:42.400 There's a school chant, like, everywhere we go, people want to know who we are.

00:09:47.040 So we tell them every day.

00:09:49.180 It makes me laugh.

00:09:49.940 We are the Dolphins.

00:09:51.320 Mighty, mighty Dolphins.

00:09:52.500 And I'm like, really?

00:09:53.720 We can't change that to Pally Wrestling?

00:09:55.220 Yeah.

00:09:55.740 Pally Wrestling.

00:09:56.720 Pally, Pally Wrestling.

00:09:57.660 Mighty Mighty, because a dolphin's not.

00:10:00.700 Yeah.

00:10:00.880 A lot of dolphins.

00:10:01.620 And dolphins get caught in a little net.

00:10:03.720 A dolphin's a gay shark.

00:10:05.360 Yeah.

00:10:06.000 It really is.

00:10:07.120 A shark is a straight, you know, a dolphin's just like, hey, woo-hoo, ah, blowhole.

00:10:15.280 Dude, if a cop pulled a dolphin over, dude, I bet it would have a bunch of fucking nuts

00:10:20.440 inside of it, a bunch of man's nuts, you know?

00:10:22.320 I wouldn't be shocked, is what I'm saying overall.

00:10:25.580 Yeah, man.

00:10:26.080 That's wild, bro.

00:10:27.460 Dude, I'm so jealous in a way.

00:10:30.240 I'm so, uh, that's awesome that you found that thing, that, that, that you have that

00:10:33.640 place to be selfless, man.

00:10:35.060 Two years ago.

00:10:35.860 I just did it two years ago.

00:10:37.380 Dolphins are dangerous animals that could rape and kill your baby.

00:10:39.960 Yeah, if I put my baby in the fucking ocean.

00:10:42.100 Yeah, dude.

00:10:43.000 One of these nitwits out there with that, you know, trying to get the, you know, that salt

00:10:47.300 water baby.

00:10:48.600 Trying to part its hair with a fucking water wave.

00:10:50.800 These people are out of their minds, man.

00:10:52.420 But that's Palisades, dude.

00:10:54.440 No, no.

00:10:55.100 There's some soft batch up there, is there?

00:10:57.240 Or is there some tough cats up there?

00:10:58.600 No, we're tough.

00:10:59.140 Yeah.

00:10:59.520 We brawl.

00:11:00.180 Yeah, I like that.

00:11:00.960 We brawl.

00:11:01.360 We're brawlers.

00:11:01.960 Okay.

00:11:02.480 We got a room of brawlers.

00:11:03.580 Yeah, I want to come cheer them all.

00:11:05.180 I'll let you know.

00:11:05.940 I think we have one home dual match this year.

00:11:09.220 Yeah.

00:11:09.840 We wrestled Birmingham High last year.

00:11:11.540 They have a hundred kids.

00:11:12.840 It's in the Valley.

00:11:13.580 They got a hundred kids in the wrestling room.

00:11:15.740 A hundred.

00:11:16.860 They have a B team before junior varsity.

00:11:19.200 They have two different varsities, a B team, and then they have JV.

00:11:22.580 A hundred kids in the wrestling room.

00:11:24.580 That's more than there is in a football team, you know?

00:11:27.000 And we lost by six points.

00:11:28.100 Like, we brought it.

00:11:29.740 Next year.

00:11:30.260 With freshmen and sophomores.

00:11:31.260 It's great.

00:11:31.960 Oh, we play them this year.

00:11:32.780 It'd be great.

00:11:33.500 Is it crazy to see, like, when you're looking back at these children and a lot of them,

00:11:37.220 because a lot of children go through puberty at that time, you know?

00:11:40.020 Yeah.

00:11:40.240 All of them do.

00:11:41.180 It's got to be crazy, huh?

00:11:42.500 All children do.

00:11:43.740 Yeah, all of them.

00:11:44.200 That's some of them.

00:11:45.080 Well, some do.

00:11:45.520 Somebody graduates in a onesie.

00:11:47.460 We had a couple kids from our school that I think never hit it.

00:11:50.920 Were they hit it early?

00:11:51.880 I don't know.

00:11:52.520 These guys never hit it.

00:11:53.600 A couple young fellas.

00:11:54.420 One dude works at the CVS now over there where I used to live, but he fucking is still

00:11:58.620 swinging for it, bruh.

00:11:59.840 Never hit it.

00:12:00.480 I don't know what that's called.

00:12:01.220 What's it called when you don't hit puberty, Nick?

00:12:02.960 That's a good one.

00:12:03.560 Purberty.

00:12:04.760 Purberty?

00:12:05.900 You know, I ever swim with dolphins?

00:12:07.820 Have I?

00:12:10.040 Probably.

00:12:10.460 I don't know.

00:12:10.780 I've been in the water.

00:12:11.600 No, I mean on purpose, like you go to a place, go to a dolphin encounter.

00:12:14.920 No.

00:12:15.680 I did it once, and it didn't go well.

00:12:18.400 Oh, damn.

00:12:19.100 Really?

00:12:19.360 What happened?

00:12:20.080 I brought my mom to the Bahamas.

00:12:22.180 Oh, dude, you don't bring your mom to a dolphin encounter, bruh.

00:12:24.460 No, it's great.

00:12:25.120 You know that old saying.

00:12:26.040 She had, we knew she had Alzheimer's, so I just took her before she was getting bad.

00:12:32.440 Oh, yeah.

00:12:32.760 Tell her it's Alaska, huh?

00:12:34.500 Yeah.

00:12:35.040 Yeah, yeah.

00:12:36.960 Climate change, man.

00:12:37.920 I don't know.

00:12:38.400 Yeah.

00:12:39.040 So we go in the water, and there's like this 11-minute video they show you, a safety video,

00:12:44.760 but it's fucking dolphins.

00:12:45.840 So I just took a nap, and then I'm in the water, and I'm like, what could go wrong?

00:12:49.300 It's a dolphin.

00:12:49.900 I'll tell you.

00:12:50.840 So my mom, they go, Jeannie, Jeannie, you get Dottie, and like this beautiful dolphin

00:12:55.280 comes out.

00:12:55.720 It's like a beaded curtain.

00:12:56.940 It's like Price is Right, like Dottie.

00:12:59.100 And my mom and this dolphin are like, oh, my God, you're so precious.

00:13:02.820 Look at, like they went to high school together, like, oh, my God.

00:13:05.580 And they're like, you get chipper.

00:13:07.120 Like the fucking bullpen doors at Yankee Stadium open, and they play Enter Sandman by Metallica,

00:13:11.720 and there's a wall of water coming at me, and he's just like, brr, coming at me.

00:13:17.240 I'm like, I'm going to get cut in half by a dolphin's head?

00:13:20.120 Damn, damn.

00:13:20.840 I'm like, he's just, I was scared.

00:13:22.560 He's like, brr, coming right at me.

00:13:25.360 Hits the brakes.

00:13:26.520 Wow.

00:13:27.120 Rolls on his back, and he's floating on his back across me with a look on his face like,

00:13:32.480 you got it.

00:13:32.920 I'm all right, man.

00:13:33.840 So I'm like, okay, cool.

00:13:35.480 But he's got like a little patch of white.

00:13:37.000 He's gray, but he's got a patch of white, like chest hair.

00:13:39.440 And I'm just kind of like, they go, you can touch him.

00:13:41.660 I'm rubbing his chest.

00:13:42.600 And what's his body like, soft or what is it?

00:13:44.600 It's real soft.

00:13:45.360 I mean, it's like a kind of a real hard, spongy, you know, it's what you, I can't explain it,

00:13:50.700 but it's exactly what you think it would feel like.

00:13:52.280 I don't know what that is, though.

00:13:53.320 I feel like it would be hard, hard, hard, like a car.

00:13:56.260 Well, yeah, but there's some give to it.

00:13:58.240 It's like the hard foam at a water park in the tubes.

00:14:03.100 Oh, yeah.

00:14:03.740 Yeah.

00:14:04.180 So I'm patting his chest, and he's like scooching by.

00:14:08.100 And what it said in the video that I slept through was never, ever, under any circumstances,

00:14:12.220 touch any of the dolphins below their belly buttons.

00:14:14.920 But he's going this way, and I'm touching his chest, a little lower in his chest.

00:14:19.360 So I don't even realize that I'm like jerking off a dolphin.

00:14:21.740 Oh, this is like a massage parlor, dude.

00:14:23.240 I'm like right at his dick.

00:14:23.940 This is like off a Westwood Boulevard over there.

00:14:25.680 Yeah, like nothing came out, but he just goes.

00:14:27.560 And he like flips out, and he starts hitting me in the ribs with his head in my life vest.

00:14:32.900 Like, dang, dang.

00:14:33.660 I'm like, what's he doing?

00:14:34.460 I don't know what he's doing.

00:14:35.240 Is it powerful hitting, or is it light hitting?

00:14:37.040 Yes, it's like I don't belong with this aquatic mammal.

00:14:39.960 Like, I am a visitor.

00:14:41.160 Okay.

00:14:41.560 Like, bang, bang.

00:14:42.520 And I know what he was doing.

00:14:43.320 Now I know what he was doing.

00:14:44.140 He's trying to get me in the middle of the lagoon where nobody could help me.

00:14:47.380 Oh, wow.

00:14:47.840 Then he goes underwater, disappears.

00:14:49.340 My mom and Dottie are playing like fucking Mahjong.

00:14:51.860 Yeah.

00:14:52.420 And I'm like, what's with this guy?

00:14:53.960 Where's Chipper?

00:14:54.420 Like, treat me like a tourist.

00:14:55.600 And then I feel it like him in my back.

00:14:58.520 And I shouldn't know what a dolphin's dick feels like.

00:15:00.880 Uh-huh.

00:15:01.560 I shouldn't.

00:15:02.540 No, you shouldn't.

00:15:03.400 Never seen one.

00:15:04.380 I've been down some rabbit holes on Pornhub.

00:15:06.380 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:15:06.760 I remember when we talked about that last time.

00:15:07.060 I've seen guys holding their pregnant wife's head, getting trained by brothers.

00:15:11.160 Oh, man.

00:15:11.660 I've seen fucking everything you could think of.

00:15:13.860 Oh, man.

00:15:14.580 Never seen a dolphin's dick.

00:15:15.520 Never seen a photo.

00:15:16.280 National Geographic.

00:15:17.520 Slideshow.

00:15:18.060 Mm-hmm.

00:15:18.740 Science.

00:15:19.280 Oh, I couldn't pick one out of a dick lineup right now.

00:15:21.280 But let me tell you something.

00:15:22.120 Yeah.

00:15:22.440 When it's against your body, you know.

00:15:24.240 Really?

00:15:24.780 It's the aggression.

00:15:25.980 Mm-hmm.

00:15:26.520 Like, he was aggressive.

00:15:27.820 Mm-hmm.

00:15:28.420 And there's a space between my life vest and my back.

00:15:30.960 Oh, yeah.

00:15:31.320 Because it was too big.

00:15:32.440 And that's where he got his dick.

00:15:34.060 Oh.

00:15:35.060 Against my back, between the life vest.

00:15:37.160 How much dick is in a dolphin?

00:15:38.780 Too much.

00:15:39.600 Yeah.

00:15:39.860 Way too much.

00:15:40.800 Like, it's up my back, and his head's like here, and I don't know if, it was just, it

00:15:45.160 was like me.

00:15:45.420 How long?

00:15:46.020 I couldn't imagine it even being that long, and I don't want to see it, Nick.

00:15:48.800 Really long.

00:15:49.340 So, don't put it up there.

00:15:50.600 And I don't know how to yell, like, hey.

00:15:52.020 It ain't really long, dude.

00:15:53.460 Does it feel like a long finger?

00:15:55.480 Does it feel like a wiener?

00:15:56.820 Does it feel like a-

00:15:57.400 It felt like he was, like, grabbing me from behind, but something was between us.

00:16:01.280 Oh, damn, bro.

00:16:02.420 Like a mini.

00:16:03.160 It was, it still freaks.

00:16:06.220 You just, I knew what it was.

00:16:07.220 Why were you wearing a big?

00:16:08.280 Dude, there's nothing shadier than somebody wearing a frickin' big life jacket that's

00:16:13.000 too big for them.

00:16:14.020 Well, vacation, they're either too small, you throw them to the side.

00:16:16.540 No life vest on vacation fits you.

00:16:18.940 Or they're XXXLs, and they float up here.

00:16:20.860 I think that's like one of those gay meetup things.

00:16:21.920 Like, if I have a life vest that's too big, I'm looking to meet somebody, you know?

00:16:25.760 Good to know, hopefully.

00:16:26.780 Yeah.

00:16:27.180 That's crazy, bro.

00:16:28.280 So, I don't know how to yell, like, hey, your dolphin's-

00:16:31.780 Because the guys are, like, up on these rocks, like, your dolphin's dick is stuck between

00:16:37.120 my life vest and my back, because I jerked him off, and he thinks it's my pussy.

00:16:40.960 So, I just floated there, and I start yelling, dolphin cock!

00:16:45.980 Dolphin!

00:16:46.340 I swear, the guy turns to me, and he goes, dolphins rock!

00:16:49.000 You know it, buddy!

00:16:50.300 I'm like, no, no, no, it's not what I'm saying!

00:16:51.720 Dolphin cock!

00:16:52.460 Dolphin cock!

00:16:54.160 And then, so, I'm completely alone.

00:16:57.040 And they give you an 8x10 photo for free of your encounter.

00:17:00.240 Oh, come on, really?

00:17:00.920 So, like, my mom, as bad as her Alzheimer's got, she'd be like, who are you?

00:17:05.960 I'm like, I'm JJ, I'm your son.

00:17:07.300 Who's the man in the kitchen?

00:17:08.280 That's John, that's your husband.

00:17:09.540 She'd go, did I ever show you the picture of my friend Dottie?

00:17:12.320 And right next to it, you could see me, sort of, with all the whitewash, but he's up over

00:17:16.480 my head, my life vest over my head, like a hockey jersey in a fight.

00:17:20.260 God, man, it sounds like that Stanford rape case a little bit.

00:17:23.240 It was rapey.

00:17:24.220 No, it was straight up, a dolphin tried to fuck me.

00:17:28.420 Dude, imagine what he's telling his buddies right now.

00:17:30.940 He's like, hey, I fucked that comedian guy who was down here the other day.

00:17:35.340 You think he's funny?

00:17:36.360 I fucked him.

00:17:36.780 From Little Henry or whatever that, you know.

00:17:40.020 His jokes didn't keep me from fucking him.

00:17:42.500 Imagine, if he hit my asshole, I would have died.

00:17:44.740 Oh.

00:17:45.360 We are the dolphins, the rapey, rapey dolphins.

00:17:48.280 Man.

00:17:49.620 Nice.

00:17:50.200 Not going through puberty is called Coleman syndrome, just to put a pin in that.

00:17:54.340 Darren Coleman, actually, I think was the boy's name, actually, Martell, actually.

00:17:58.420 And he was pissed.

00:17:59.320 They named it after him.

00:18:01.600 Yeah, man, that's crazy.

00:18:02.920 Not going through puberty.

00:18:03.960 What does it say about it?

00:18:05.520 It's just one in 10,000 men have it.

00:18:08.940 Wow.

00:18:10.720 That's high, right?

00:18:11.680 Yeah.

00:18:12.240 Okay.

00:18:12.780 Because we only have 4,000 in our town, so this guy was like a real entrepreneur, I guess.

00:18:17.240 How did he monetize not going through puberty?

00:18:19.400 Oh, I don't know, dude.

00:18:20.380 I think he probably, well, you know, a lot of these men will go back to school even after

00:18:25.460 they've graduated to meet younger girls and the like.

00:18:29.440 You have a lot of cases of that kind of stuff.

00:18:31.700 Playing Little League World Series.

00:18:33.280 Yep.

00:18:33.760 Oh, I'd go back.

00:18:34.600 I'd be outside linebacker and just crush.

00:18:36.500 Yeah, dude, you could do it.

00:18:37.620 Oh.

00:18:38.700 You could do it, dude.

00:18:39.420 Paint your skin brown and get back there.

00:18:41.200 Go back to high school and just wrestle like 180.

00:18:43.880 Dude, go to a small town.

00:18:45.300 Some of the people in high school are 30, 40 years old.

00:18:47.500 You could fucking easily get in there.

00:18:48.920 Because they're dumb?

00:18:50.260 Just because the laws are different, you know?

00:18:53.240 What do you mean?

00:18:53.800 No, no.

00:18:54.360 You have to graduate school.

00:18:56.340 The only way to stick around is if you don't get out.

00:18:58.480 Dude, we had a guy, this guy, Mr. Larry, that was in our class, and that dude had to

00:19:02.440 be, his big trick was, it was an urban gentleman, he could come in the bathroom and piss over

00:19:06.840 your back into the urinal you were using.

00:19:10.080 That means he had a boner.

00:19:11.360 Oh, I don't know what he had.

00:19:12.700 Yeah, I gotta have a boner.

00:19:13.560 You have to have one to shoot a piss over there.

00:19:15.680 He was a champ, brother, this guy.

00:19:17.180 But he was at the school for so long, he was in, I think, 5th or 6th grade for so long,

00:19:21.120 and finally that it's like, you know, you work here.

00:19:23.240 He got a job as a janitorial.

00:19:25.400 So how old was Mr. Larry that you know of in high school?

00:19:28.980 Like, what was the oldest that you can recount?

00:19:31.020 I'd go, and this was middle school, I would go 18.

00:19:34.800 Was he special?

00:19:35.840 Like, was he slow?

00:19:36.920 No, he was fast, fast, fast.

00:19:38.900 No, I mean, his brain.

00:19:39.820 Was he like sling blade?

00:19:40.180 Oh, middling, sling blade?

00:19:41.500 Some folks call him like hyzer blade.

00:19:43.120 No, I think he just didn't care that much.

00:19:45.840 Or, no, I don't think he cared at all.

00:19:47.440 I think he showed up.

00:19:48.360 18 and 7th grade?

00:19:49.320 But he was timely.

00:19:50.020 He showed up for school every day, but he also didn't care once he got there.

00:19:53.040 Now, most people will not show up.

00:19:55.460 Yeah.

00:19:56.000 But he was very, you know, he was on time.

00:20:00.200 Was he crushing ass?

00:20:00.600 And then didn't give a fuck.

00:20:01.700 Did he get laid?

00:20:02.400 No, not really.

00:20:03.180 He didn't have that great of hair and stuff.

00:20:06.520 I don't know.

00:20:07.160 Also, I didn't hang out with him outside of school.

00:20:08.940 And I was a fucking, you know, I was 13 years old, so I don't even know, dude.

00:20:12.840 And he was an urban gentleman.

00:20:14.220 From what I remember, you know?

00:20:17.300 And also, you know, the world was in a different font back then.

00:20:19.800 There wasn't as many colors back then.

00:20:21.180 That's correct.

00:20:21.700 You know?

00:20:22.240 It was more, it was just Roy G. Bibb, man.

00:20:26.340 I'm going to, I want to get my dates in here before I forget.

00:20:29.540 Yeah.

00:20:30.780 You just sold out in Tempe this week, and I saw that.

00:20:33.240 It was so great.

00:20:34.160 I haven't been here in so long, and I loved it so much.

00:20:36.320 I'm doing Addison Improv this weekend.

00:20:39.420 Oh, I love that place.

00:20:40.540 In Dallas.

00:20:41.420 I love that place.

00:20:42.600 Is the dates written down over there, sweetie?

00:20:44.160 Yeah, Nick's got them, huh?

00:20:46.400 Okay, here we go.

00:20:47.220 Fired.

00:20:47.520 People go like, hey, you're coming to my town.

00:20:49.340 I have like a 48-hour calendar in my head.

00:20:51.560 No, let's...

00:20:52.060 Anything past that, I have no idea.

00:20:53.380 People are like, hey, you're coming to my town in three weeks.

00:20:56.060 I'm like, I guess.

00:20:56.920 You're like, I guess.

00:20:57.640 And meanwhile, you're in the town?

00:20:58.900 Oh, I got a lot of dates, man.

00:21:00.440 You got Tempe Improv, October 18th and 19th.

00:21:02.000 No, that's done.

00:21:02.840 Oh, that's done.

00:21:03.420 Addison Improv, 25, 26, 27.

00:21:07.020 Houston Improv, November 1st through 3rd.

00:21:10.280 And then Tampa, Florida, Sidesplitters, November 7th through 9th.

00:21:14.580 So, come on, y'all.

00:21:15.700 And Brea right after Thanksgiving.

00:21:19.620 Come see me do comedy.

00:21:20.860 Let's do it.

00:21:21.320 Let's fill it up.

00:21:22.200 Charlotte, Hollywood, Delaware, Atlantic City, Annapolis coming up in the...

00:21:27.920 Let's just fill Texas.

00:21:28.720 Let's get Texas full up.

00:21:29.960 In the spring.

00:21:30.560 Yeah, come out to Addison.

00:21:31.500 Let's see who's going to rally most.

00:21:32.600 Dallas or Houston.

00:21:34.180 What, Addison?

00:21:34.800 Yeah.

00:21:35.240 I love it, too.

00:21:35.800 Trey's a good dude.

00:21:36.560 I love it, man.

00:21:37.460 That place is fun, dude.

00:21:38.720 How much trouble have you gotten down in Tampa, I wonder?

00:21:41.640 I'm okay.

00:21:42.500 Yeah?

00:21:43.080 You know, like, I mean, compared to Tempe?

00:21:45.580 Oh, yeah.

00:21:46.480 Like, I got done with...

00:21:47.480 I didn't bring my phone to the show, so I couldn't, like, be searching for pussy.

00:21:50.920 Good.

00:21:51.960 And, uh...

00:21:52.700 Yeah, the things you're doing these days to stay off, like, to try and curb that kind

00:21:55.840 of appetite, that's one thing, for sure.

00:21:58.240 It's a problem.

00:21:59.000 Yeah.

00:21:59.400 It's a problem.

00:22:00.620 It's just validation.

00:22:01.680 I need validation, and it's like, whether it's escorts, which is...

00:22:06.400 I prefer it.

00:22:08.000 Yeah.

00:22:08.900 Because I know...

00:22:09.520 Organized, yeah.

00:22:10.540 It's like, they're coming over, we're going to do a thing, and it's going to take place

00:22:13.880 in this amount of time.

00:22:15.300 And everybody can be natural.

00:22:16.560 Yeah, going about their business.

00:22:17.980 It's like going to some club, and some girl goes, he raped me.

00:22:20.100 Like, what?

00:22:20.520 What?

00:22:20.940 Yeah.

00:22:22.060 No, you don't.

00:22:22.640 I got the receipt right here.

00:22:22.980 I don't go to clubs.

00:22:24.320 Yeah.

00:22:24.880 Like, I work at a club.

00:22:26.040 Right.

00:22:26.220 I go home.

00:22:27.000 So I leave right away.

00:22:27.920 I don't bring my phone to the show, and then I just, like, read a book and try to fall asleep.

00:22:32.040 Wow.

00:22:32.440 There's nothing good out there.

00:22:33.500 You're just going to get in trouble.

00:22:34.300 What is that thing inside of us?

00:22:36.260 Because, look, man, I can relate 100%.

00:22:37.580 Hell, my first car was a Ford Escort, so I should have known right then, dude, that I

00:22:41.260 was looking for fucking trouble, dog.

00:22:44.440 But what do you...

00:22:45.700 Did you go wrong?

00:22:46.660 Huh?

00:22:47.320 Oh, yeah.

00:22:47.920 I would wear nothing and drive that bitch around.

00:22:49.700 Dude, I remember one time I was driving naked around town, right?

00:22:53.340 Because this is back when people didn't know if you were naked, you know?

00:22:56.420 And the cop, there was a cop that pulled somebody else over, right?

00:23:02.640 Hold on.

00:23:04.460 This is back when people didn't know whether or not you were naked.

00:23:08.800 Yeah, now everybody tells everybody.

00:23:10.480 They're like, oh, you know, they'll make a funny video or something back in the day.

00:23:13.580 You could drive with no pants on or no shirt, nothing.

00:23:16.920 And you're like, oh, he's got a shirt off.

00:23:18.120 It's hot out.

00:23:18.980 Slow ride.

00:23:20.320 Yeah.

00:23:20.540 Now you'd be like, that guy's fucking naked, probably.

00:23:22.820 Yeah.

00:23:23.380 Slow ride.

00:23:24.080 Nice.

00:23:24.300 But now it's like you could just...

00:23:26.300 Back then you would just cruise around naked, pull up, talk to people in their yard and

00:23:30.220 shit.

00:23:30.620 They're fucking...

00:23:31.340 They have no idea.

00:23:33.360 Because it was...

00:23:35.180 It was fun, Jay.

00:23:37.020 I don't disagree.

00:23:38.220 It was free entertainment.

00:23:39.280 Was there any fear of getting caught?

00:23:41.300 No.

00:23:42.040 I don't...

00:23:42.420 Keep telling the story because you're too good a storyteller for me to be...

00:23:44.940 No, that's back when it was the Wild West, dude.

00:23:47.240 You know, you could just...

00:23:48.300 Hey, how are you guys?

00:23:49.240 Do you guys just move in here and it's some lady fucking, you know, cutting her kid's hair

00:23:53.080 in the yard and you're just sitting there fucking butt naked, bro?

00:23:57.300 Would she ever see that you were naked or...

00:23:59.420 No.

00:24:00.080 They thought you were just a paid...

00:24:01.400 Just a local neighbor.

00:24:03.100 Sure.

00:24:03.540 That was nice.

00:24:04.440 You were a citizen.

00:24:05.540 You were a citizen.

00:24:06.440 Yeah.

00:24:06.600 You were a local citizen, dude.

00:24:07.860 A naked one.

00:24:08.860 Yeah.

00:24:09.060 You were one of the...

00:24:09.760 You were one of the many citizens that hit puberty locally and you were fucking living

00:24:15.140 it up just driving around town, you know?

00:24:17.180 I'd love to drive around naked.

00:24:19.740 When I had my Escalade, I would drive back to Orange County every day after I was working

00:24:26.520 and I just...

00:24:28.100 I'm like, why can't I just see some lady playing with her pussy on the way home?

00:24:31.320 I never saw it.

00:24:32.020 You know, I remember...

00:24:34.020 Because I was looking down at everybody's car because I had a truck.

00:24:36.060 Oh, yeah.

00:24:36.520 That's nice.

00:24:37.080 But I went to San Francisco when I was crossing the Bay Bridge.

00:24:39.680 I'm like, everyone's smoking reefer.

00:24:41.840 Like, everyone's just...

00:24:43.180 In their car.

00:24:44.480 Like, I was the only one not smoking grass in my car.

00:24:47.620 I couldn't believe it.

00:24:49.000 Different times, man.

00:24:50.900 You sick, honey, buddy?

00:24:52.340 Yeah.

00:24:52.700 I caught a cold the other day.

00:24:55.480 That's terrible.

00:24:56.860 It's the worst, man.

00:24:58.540 But, yeah, man, I've been doing pretty good with the Pornhaut.

00:25:00.700 I've been doing real good with the Pornhaut art feed.

00:25:02.460 I got back onto it a couple months ago.

00:25:04.480 Are you still watching it?

00:25:05.960 No.

00:25:06.320 I'm about two weeks clean right now, I think.

00:25:07.840 Three weeks, maybe.

00:25:08.380 See, I've never made the effort to not watch it at all.

00:25:10.360 Really?

00:25:10.920 At all.

00:25:11.840 Dude, you've got to get the apps, man.

00:25:14.080 What apps?

00:25:15.620 There's an app called MOBA SIP that's for your phone.

00:25:18.600 And there's a different one that's on my computer.

00:25:20.000 I don't even know what it is anymore.

00:25:21.060 Oh, Covenant Eyes.

00:25:22.840 Dude, once I got the apps, it was a wrap.

00:25:26.920 What do the apps do?

00:25:28.040 You cannot look up any pornography.

00:25:30.580 So you've got to just use your imagination?

00:25:31.940 You can't even look up, like, a woman's hat.

00:25:34.060 If you want to buy your mom a hat or something,

00:25:35.420 or if it's, you know, like a Kentucky Derby or something.

00:25:38.240 You can't even get that.

00:25:39.240 You can't even get it.

00:25:40.780 I've been thinking about, I need, like, some kind of block.

00:25:43.900 Oh, it's a, bro.

00:25:44.540 And once I did that, here's the funny thing I found out about.

00:25:46.380 I'm on an airplane looking at porn on my phone.

00:25:47.840 Oh, that's disgusting.

00:25:49.180 I'd rather draw a picture.

00:25:50.840 I'm driving around town naked.

00:25:53.740 Yeah, but you're young.

00:25:55.140 You know, at that point, you can get out of fucking jail, dude.

00:25:57.620 Jay Moore gets busted looking at his, yeah, MOBA SIP.

00:26:00.680 And we don't work for them.

00:26:02.240 I wish we did, man.

00:26:03.040 I wish I worked with them.

00:26:04.060 I would like someone, if someone knows of a pornography app,

00:26:06.740 they want to build one, and we want to work together to offer a cheaper alternative to people.

00:26:11.160 This one is, it's $15 a month.

00:26:13.520 Now, the value is immense, though.

00:26:17.020 Because here's what I realized.

00:26:18.540 I'm too lazy then.

00:26:21.040 Like, my addiction, my addiction to look at sexual deviance online,

00:26:25.940 it falls off once it's not easily accessible.

00:26:29.920 I give up.

00:26:32.460 I don't have that addiction that's like, oh, you know, that young addiction.

00:26:35.020 I'm going to get through this firewall.

00:26:36.140 I'm going to fix it.

00:26:36.820 Yeah, or like, I'm going to drive around naked like I had when I was young.

00:26:40.000 What about dating apps?

00:26:41.500 Nope.

00:26:42.320 I took them all off my phone.

00:26:43.640 Yeah.

00:26:43.840 The time suck.

00:26:44.580 Women just want to be pen pals on those things.

00:26:46.380 Oh, yeah.

00:26:47.380 It's a lot of, I think, I think it's a lot of lonely women just wanting to, yeah, stay in touch.

00:26:52.300 I got kicked off a dating app.

00:26:53.540 They thought I was catfishing ladies as Jay Moore.

00:26:55.780 Oh, really?

00:26:56.520 Yeah.

00:26:57.440 I got an email and everything.

00:26:58.720 I don't know if it rhymes with OK Cupid.

00:27:01.640 I'm like, do I fight these people and go like, no, I am Jay Moore.

00:27:04.980 Let me go see a whole bunch of sixes and fives.

00:27:08.480 So I'm like, whatever, man.

00:27:10.040 And then you're like, ladies are fucking up the dating app game.

00:27:12.700 Like, full body shots only.

00:27:14.020 I went on a date.

00:27:15.560 The girl was beautiful in her photo.

00:27:17.300 Like, full body shots only.

00:27:19.140 Because you fat fuck.

00:27:20.180 You tricked me one time.

00:27:21.600 She shows up to the date for the wall like fucking Kool-Aid.

00:27:23.800 Big fatso with a pretty face.

00:27:25.120 Oh, yeah.

00:27:26.380 I'm there for pussy.

00:27:27.260 Yeah, with ice cubes in her head.

00:27:28.140 She's there for lunch.

00:27:29.360 Yeah.

00:27:30.140 I'm like, Jesus Christ, Grimace.

00:27:32.760 I'm like, what?

00:27:33.500 She was gorgeous.

00:27:34.800 Yeah.

00:27:35.820 Yeah, she was.

00:27:36.940 It's a lot of trickery, bro.

00:27:38.420 Right.

00:27:39.080 And filters on the photo, they show up.

00:27:40.780 You're like, you're not a panda.

00:27:41.760 But can you imagine this, though?

00:27:43.240 All the trickery then having to show up somewhere.

00:27:47.300 They got balls on them.

00:27:48.900 Big fat fuck comes in.

00:27:50.400 Like, she was a fucking fatso.

00:27:51.920 That's crazy.

00:27:53.040 Like, you know you're a fatso.

00:27:54.140 Mention it.

00:27:54.700 By the way, I don't know if you know this, because you've only seen my face.

00:27:57.480 I'm a big fat fuck.

00:27:58.500 Yeah, I like to stay large.

00:28:00.920 I don't know if you know this, because you've only, on the app, you know, you've only seen

00:28:06.800 my face.

00:28:07.440 But, yeah, I don't want you to be surprised or shocked or set back or put off, because

00:28:13.500 when you see all of me, I'm a big fat fuck, you know?

00:28:17.780 I'm just, I can put my hands in my pockets when I'm naked.

00:28:22.560 I'm a big gal.

00:28:24.960 I'm a big gal, you know?

00:28:27.180 I'm chafed.

00:28:29.340 I don't know, man.

00:28:31.220 Dude, Norm.

00:28:32.580 I haven't known Norm in a long time.

00:28:33.560 Where have you been, Norm?

00:28:34.720 What's been going on, man?

00:28:35.880 Well, I've been on these dating apps, you know?

00:28:38.680 How about that Bumble?

00:28:40.780 Yeah.

00:28:41.380 That's good, because that one scrolls up and down, not left and right.

00:28:45.540 Yeah.

00:28:46.080 So if you want any information on the lady, I have to go down to the bottom, you know?

00:28:49.900 And then way at the bottom, it says she lives in St. Louis.

00:28:53.360 All right, what am I going to do?

00:28:55.540 Yeah.

00:28:55.840 St. Louis?

00:28:56.340 What am I, a Cardinals fan?

00:28:58.440 What, the H?

00:28:59.300 Yeah.

00:28:59.560 What am I, fucking, going to take her out for a bush beer?

00:29:05.240 I can go down a rabbit hole.

00:29:07.380 Sometimes I just can't stop doing that.

00:29:09.640 And Norm, some people are saying you're still living with your mother.

00:29:12.600 Is that true?

00:29:13.260 No, no, no.

00:29:13.800 That's crazy talk, you know?

00:29:15.380 Yeah.

00:29:15.620 I may drive around Akinus, Louisiana, naked, just because I like that gal that cuts her kid's

00:29:21.700 hair on the lawn, you know?

00:29:22.880 Yeah.

00:29:23.780 Neighborly.

00:29:24.460 Yeah, Toby's money.

00:29:25.440 Ah, yeah, I like these girls on the apps that go long-term relationship only.

00:29:33.360 Yeah.

00:29:34.040 I don't believe that's true.

00:29:35.340 Nobody, Theo, walks onto a car a lot unless they want to buy a cock.

00:29:42.360 Have you been with some pretty bigger gals, Norm?

00:29:44.440 You seem like a guy that knows his way around a, you know, a real two-bedroom lady, you know?

00:29:51.960 Yeah, it's funny you bring that up.

00:29:53.640 Two-bedroom.

00:29:54.500 Oh, my God.

00:29:55.980 I don't think I'm making fun of him.

00:29:57.820 Oh, dude, everybody's making fun of Norm, man.

00:29:59.920 Why?

00:30:00.480 He's the best.

00:30:01.160 No, he's the best.

00:30:02.260 No, I am, hold on.

00:30:03.520 I am not making fun of Norm.

00:30:06.220 Oh, I don't think you're making fun of him.

00:30:07.100 No, I know you.

00:30:08.780 What was the thing?

00:30:09.620 Here's something.

00:30:10.160 No, on the dating app, I do do a joke on stage.

00:30:12.480 It's like long-term relationship only.

00:30:14.180 Like, really?

00:30:15.120 Yeah.

00:30:15.480 Like, sure.

00:30:17.060 Like, that's my joke.

00:30:18.180 Like, nobody goes on a car a lot unless they want to buy a cock.

00:30:20.100 And I go, long-term relationship only.

00:30:21.640 Dad, how'd you meet mom?

00:30:23.100 I swiped right while I was taking a shit.

00:30:24.860 I know, huh?

00:30:25.740 How sad.

00:30:26.720 Long-term relationship only.

00:30:27.780 It's fucking tender.

00:30:28.620 Suck it.

00:30:29.960 Hello?

00:30:30.780 Yeah.

00:30:31.500 Do you think, let's get this question.

00:30:33.480 A question came in from a young male, actually.

00:30:35.480 And it's Norm MacDonald-related.

00:30:37.920 Oh.

00:30:39.300 Hello, Theodore.

00:30:40.580 Hello, Jay.

00:30:41.540 This is your friend, Ryan, from Antioch, California.

00:30:44.840 Right now, I'm supposed to be delivering pizzas.

00:30:47.720 But the pressing thing in my life is asking you guys a question.

00:30:52.000 Mostly Jay.

00:30:53.080 But hey, it's okay.

00:30:54.780 So my question is, is what is your favorite Norm MacDonald story?

00:30:59.960 I have a feeling I know what you're going to say, but who cares?

00:31:03.920 Tell the story anyways.

00:31:05.180 We all love it.

00:31:06.660 It's the best story ever.

00:31:08.920 I don't know what story he's talking about that he thinks he knows I'm going to tell.

00:31:12.720 It was my favorite Norm MacDonald story.

00:31:14.720 I don't know either.

00:31:15.460 I was at-

00:31:16.760 Antioch, California, Pizza Man.

00:31:19.440 I love that.

00:31:19.780 Yeah, how'd you like to be at home, you know?

00:31:21.120 Yeah.

00:31:21.560 Yeah, a bunch of kids.

00:31:22.720 Yeah.

00:31:23.400 Big fat wife, big fat fuck, you know, giving you an ear beating.

00:31:27.160 Beautiful big guy.

00:31:28.120 And you, you know, I'll take care of everything.

00:31:30.100 I'm going to order a pizza.

00:31:30.960 Yeah.

00:31:31.540 That'll make everybody happy.

00:31:32.900 Yeah.

00:31:33.700 And that guy is asking questions on the Theo Vaughn podcast.

00:31:36.920 And his pie is seven minutes late.

00:31:39.060 Meanwhile, that fucking guy's wife digests him.

00:31:42.180 You can't give a-

00:31:43.580 I can go insane doing that.

00:31:47.200 You know, it's so good, though.

00:31:48.640 My favorite-

00:31:49.160 Thank you.

00:31:49.540 My favorite Norm MacDonald story is probably one you guys don't know.

00:31:52.140 It's in my book.

00:31:53.700 Is when he would-

00:31:55.160 Oh, I-

00:31:56.160 Okay.

00:31:57.600 Greatest-

00:31:58.080 I know-

00:31:58.440 I think I know what he's talking about.

00:31:59.780 Wow.

00:32:00.200 What was the kid's name?

00:32:02.380 Antioch, Pizza Man.

00:32:03.940 Anty?

00:32:04.760 Ryan Louderback.

00:32:06.520 Ryan Louderback.

00:32:07.300 Ryan Louderback.

00:32:09.780 From the Antioch Louderbacks, you know?

00:32:12.120 Not to be confused with the ones in Pahrump.

00:32:16.500 I don't know what's going on.

00:32:18.740 We were writing a sketch.

00:32:20.700 Well, I was watching other people write and rewrite a sketch.

00:32:23.340 And there's like 30 writers.

00:32:25.660 And the sketch was David Spade.

00:32:28.280 Fred Wolfe wrote it for David Spade.

00:32:30.240 Oh, yeah.

00:32:30.680 I'm pretty sure it was Fred Wolfe.

00:32:31.260 And it was a weight loss supplement, but it was just PCP and crack.

00:32:34.560 Oh, yeah.

00:32:35.000 You put in a milkshake and you smoke it.

00:32:37.240 And you just go about your day.

00:32:39.160 And then like, you know, when they show like a fat person becoming a skinny person, it

00:32:42.660 says like, you know, 16 weeks.

00:32:44.320 It's like six hours.

00:32:46.060 And David Spade's like, I'm going to help you lose weight.

00:32:48.540 You're like, ride the snake.

00:32:50.620 You got to ride the snake.

00:32:52.020 Don't let the snake ride you.

00:32:53.180 And then they just have all these people like shrinking into like skeleton bodies.

00:32:57.120 And because it's just crack.

00:32:58.720 It's all drugs.

00:32:59.480 Yeah.

00:32:59.700 That's drug related.

00:33:00.860 They say drug related.

00:33:01.720 And they have Farley, a pre-filmed piece of Farley at a drive-thru window that they're

00:33:07.020 going to cut to in the sketch.

00:33:10.620 And Farley pulls up to a drive-thru window and he goes, I'll have.

00:33:14.760 He's one of the people that are just started.

00:33:17.460 He goes, I'll have.

00:33:20.840 Can I take your order?

00:33:21.460 He goes, yes.

00:33:22.820 I'll have 14 cheeseburgers, 14 hamburgers, four vanilla milkshakes, six strawberry milkshakes,

00:33:31.540 three chocolate milkshakes, six apple pies.

00:33:35.540 And it just goes on and on and on.

00:33:36.980 And the rewrite, it was like from one in the morning till three in the morning.

00:33:42.360 I'm not kidding.

00:33:42.920 It was two hours.

00:33:44.500 Guys from Harvard, Brown, Yale arguing over what.

00:33:49.460 Oh, because the guy goes, will there be anything else?

00:33:51.800 And what he says next for two hours, they're like, how about he repeats the exact same

00:33:55.940 order again?

00:33:56.580 Yeah.

00:33:57.220 How about he says all that and goes, a diet Coke?

00:34:00.480 How about he says all that and goes, make that nine apple pies?

00:34:04.160 When I say two hours, I'm not kidding.

00:34:05.900 From 1 a.m. to 3 a.m.

00:34:07.960 And what we didn't know was Norm was sitting on a couch at the other end of the writer's

00:34:11.200 room.

00:34:12.340 And it's just going around.

00:34:13.660 It's chaos.

00:34:14.860 I could totally imagine that too.

00:34:16.520 But it's like, I'll have this huge order.

00:34:19.340 Anything else?

00:34:21.300 Uh, and he goes, yeah, because he was like, yeah, anything else?

00:34:26.500 Yes.

00:34:27.060 And then what comes after he says yes?

00:34:29.400 That's the whole crux of the argument.

00:34:31.840 And Norm goes, we know he was in the room.

00:34:33.980 He goes, hey, you guys, we're all jumping.

00:34:35.500 Hey, you guys got Chris going, give me all that food, like 14 of those things and 25 apple

00:34:42.580 pies, you know?

00:34:43.360 And, uh, the guy in the box goes, uh, Hey, well, will that be all?

00:34:49.920 Why doesn't Chris go?

00:34:51.500 Yes.

00:34:55.400 It's the greatest rewrite in the history of comedy.

00:34:59.720 Yeah.

00:35:00.120 We had him go like, will that be all?

00:35:01.440 No.

00:35:01.900 I also want, and Norm's thing was like, he had pride, like he had control after all that

00:35:06.480 fucking food.

00:35:09.060 Everybody goes, yes.

00:35:11.240 One syllable.

00:35:12.260 One syllable.

00:35:13.240 We were on the ground, rolling, laughing.

00:35:16.620 And then when they filmed it, he's like, I'll take 14 cheeseburgers and, um, 44 fries and

00:35:23.460 this and 22 cheese milkshakes and this and the apple pie.

00:35:26.440 And the guy goes, will that be all?

00:35:27.640 And Farley goes, yes.

00:35:30.060 Like he's proud of himself.

00:35:31.400 It was fucking amazing.

00:35:34.020 It was white hot.

00:35:36.980 One thing that's funny.

00:35:38.980 Oh, here he said, asked me to write Dirty Work 2.

00:35:41.620 So I worked all day yesterday and finished it.

00:35:43.660 This is Norm MacDonald on Twitter.

00:35:45.240 Just yesterday.

00:35:46.420 Uh, he's working on Dirty Work 2.

00:35:48.200 First of all, it's gotta be a parody tweet because it's a 500 page manuscript.

00:35:53.440 Scripts are usually about 106 pages.

00:35:56.600 What's the Instagram thing?

00:35:59.280 I think he's actually got some pages out.

00:36:02.300 Wait, wait, what did he cross out before we wrote Norm?

00:36:04.920 Written by me.

00:36:06.780 Oh, okay.

00:36:07.480 He said Norm.

00:36:08.280 He said James.

00:36:08.700 Dirty Work 2.

00:36:11.020 No, I'm done pranking now.

00:36:13.280 I'm married to a beautiful scientist.

00:36:15.460 Oh, Brad Pitt's in it, too.

00:36:16.680 She's rich and she has a beautiful face and we have a cat named Kitty and we love Kitty

00:36:21.720 like a child because, well, Marge cannot have children because the chemicals in her lab

00:36:27.000 have rendered her barren.

00:36:28.920 Yeah.

00:36:31.400 Oh, Cap Builders rendered her barren.

00:36:35.880 Well, I gotta go home and read that.

00:36:37.680 Do you think one of the reasons that, um, what did Norm do after SNL?

00:36:43.960 Did he just tour?

00:36:45.300 He had a sports show on Comedy Central briefly.

00:36:47.960 People love him so much.

00:36:51.400 I'm one of those people.

00:36:52.180 I'm powerless.

00:36:52.800 He makes me laugh so hard.

00:36:53.880 Yeah.

00:36:54.300 Dude, he just made me laugh through you so hard.

00:36:57.100 That yes was probably the most I've laughed in months, man.

00:36:59.920 That's, that's in my book.

00:37:01.200 The Gasping for Airtime book.

00:37:02.280 It was like fucking, it was a one syllable.

00:37:06.280 Yeah.

00:37:06.540 That was, yes.

00:37:10.300 Like we'd argue over what's the name of high school.

00:37:12.840 It's like opening, opening shot of Jefferson High.

00:37:16.020 Too urban.

00:37:17.160 Fuck it.

00:37:17.660 High school high.

00:37:18.380 Don't, don't be too jokey.

00:37:19.540 Yeah.

00:37:19.940 Don't tip it.

00:37:20.600 This, like all these things, you don't even know what it means.

00:37:22.780 It's like just name it high school.

00:37:23.980 David Spade the other day was, yeah, funny guy, man.

00:37:27.860 He was telling me a Norm MacDonald story where they all went on a plane to do a show somewhere

00:37:32.740 together.

00:37:33.520 And he just said, one of the ways that Norm makes you laugh, he'll be like, well, what

00:37:36.780 is this?

00:37:37.720 And it's just like a door, you know, and they're like, or like a chair.

00:37:42.340 He's like, well, David, what is this?

00:37:45.220 You sit down and it's.

00:37:46.980 What the H?

00:37:47.980 Yeah.

00:37:48.180 What is this little ledge here?

00:37:50.180 He's like, it's a chair, Norm.

00:37:51.480 It's a chair.

00:37:52.020 He's like, whoa, what are you doing with it?

00:37:53.920 There's, there's three of them right here.

00:37:56.200 And it's just.

00:37:56.460 What if I'm not sitting down?

00:37:58.140 It stays here?

00:37:59.940 But he, he, and he went on like this five minute monologue of Norm MacDonald asking him

00:38:06.460 what a bathroom door was.

00:38:07.780 And it was one of the funniest things that I'd ever heard.

00:38:09.740 And it was just, yeah, he just says, I don't know if it's his voice or what it is about

00:38:14.200 Norm MacDonald that just makes, I mean, I don't know.

00:38:18.440 It's just, there's nobody like him.

00:38:19.840 It's the only thing making that sound.

00:38:21.260 Right.

00:38:22.020 It's a dog whistle.

00:38:23.440 It's the, it's the only.

00:38:25.600 You can only get Norm MacDonald with Norm MacDonald.

00:38:27.160 It's the only sentient being that emits that transmission.

00:38:30.180 Gang, yeah.

00:38:30.720 Like we all got like all these influences going through us at different times and regional

00:38:35.540 accents and dialects.

00:38:37.140 He's just Norm.

00:38:38.340 Yeah.

00:38:39.020 I like.

00:38:39.380 And now if I got like Norm walked into a place to get work, it'd be like, oh, nah, man.

00:38:47.680 Yeah.

00:38:48.560 It's just so, uh, they've missed a lot of norms.

00:38:52.060 I feel like, I feel like there's been a lot of norms over the years they might've missed.

00:38:55.540 I know you want more of Jay Moore.

00:39:00.700 Pretty bad joke there.

00:39:03.100 But I got to pay the bills, man.

00:39:04.920 And, uh, and let's talk about one of my favorite things, honestly, the holidays.

00:39:09.260 And people think the holidays, what is it?

00:39:11.860 You know, people think holla, holla.

00:39:13.860 And people just yelling at each other.

00:39:16.260 That's not it.

00:39:17.640 It's a seasonal time.

00:39:19.020 It's at the end of the year.

00:39:20.400 And I know it's crazy to talk about them this early, but, uh, but you don't want to go through

00:39:23.900 another holiday season taking closed mouth photos while everyone else is grinning ear

00:39:29.020 to ear.

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00:41:06.500 And, and, and for me, now, that's going to be my bookie.

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00:42:28.940 Artie Lang told me they were doing San Francisco together and Artie Lang was open for Norm.

00:42:34.560 They're in San Francisco and right before Artie goes on stage, Norm goes,

00:42:38.420 Hey, Artie, don't do any of that fag stuff, you know?

00:42:43.500 Don't, don't, don't do any, don't do any of that fag stuff out there.

00:42:49.220 San Francisco, you can't go out there and do homosexual jokes, you know?

00:42:55.280 And he's like, all right, I like, I like to, he goes, yeah, you can't, you can't do any of that gay fag stuff.

00:43:02.820 It's not going to fly here, you know?

00:43:04.660 You have to have respect for where you are.

00:43:08.180 So Artie goes out this 20 minutes, Norm comes out his first joke.

00:43:11.460 Hey, how many fags here have AIDS?

00:43:17.040 They say AIDS does not discriminate, but only gay guys have it.

00:43:22.560 That's kind of discriminatory, you know?

00:43:24.140 And I think not discriminating is supposed to be a good thing, something like that.

00:43:30.920 But she goes right on stage, hey, how many fags here have AIDS?

00:43:36.040 Oh, man, that's good.

00:43:38.060 Hey, don't do any of that gay stuff, okay, Artie?

00:43:41.120 You have to be quiet, you know?

00:43:44.000 Oh, God, he makes me happy.

00:43:45.060 What a puppeteer, man, what a puppeteer.

00:43:47.260 I love him.

00:43:48.020 Yeah, I'd love to be in his head for a minute.

00:43:49.720 And he reminds me of like a Midwest and of like a, you know, of like just a, he reminds

00:43:55.640 me of like so many characters that you just don't see anymore, you know?

00:44:00.700 Yeah, I mean, you never have seen a guy like that.

00:44:03.320 Like it's always been off the beaten path.

00:44:05.180 Yes.

00:44:05.580 Like guys like Norm, guys like Colin Quinn, guys like Richard Lewis.

00:44:12.240 Think of how much they had to bomb before they found a theater of people that came to

00:44:19.020 see them regularly.

00:44:19.880 That mastered that.

00:44:20.880 Because it's such a finite frequency.

00:44:25.340 Like Dennis Miller, I learned a lot.

00:44:27.500 Like Dennis Miller's Off-White album and the HBO special that it was, was called Mr. Miller

00:44:32.360 Goes to Washington.

00:44:34.160 I've listened to that more and it's done more for my comedy in my life than all comedy albums

00:44:39.180 combined.

00:44:39.940 Because he's making those crazy references and like, you know, two thirds of the audience

00:44:45.120 don't even know what it means, but the rhythm's still great.

00:44:46.980 But the people that do get it, they're never not going to see him.

00:44:50.660 Right.

00:44:51.180 It's like, oh my God.

00:44:52.240 He said, Twyla Tharp.

00:44:54.580 It's just, it's insane.

00:44:56.020 So like Colin Quinn's stuff and like Norm's stuff.

00:44:59.880 Like when Richard Lewis got going, Emo Phillips.

00:45:02.140 Yeah.

00:45:02.600 Like these guys were so like, what, what's happening?

00:45:05.600 Like Dennis Wolfberg, like way back.

00:45:07.860 Guys like, like even Kinnison, like when Kinnison started, it was like, what's happening?

00:45:11.820 It wasn't what everybody else was doing.

00:45:14.200 Yeah.

00:45:14.540 It's like listening to Poison and Cinderella and then Jane's Addiction comes along.

00:45:17.960 You're like, oh God.

00:45:19.320 Wow.

00:45:19.680 That's different.

00:45:20.180 It's great.

00:45:20.960 It's new.

00:45:21.880 Right.

00:45:22.180 So then like the fact that they go out that like, they just, they were game.

00:45:25.860 They kept going.

00:45:26.680 You know, it's so true when you, and when I, like a lot of times people will submit me,

00:45:30.720 like people will submit music to, cause they want to be, they want it to be on the front

00:45:34.760 of the podcast.

00:45:35.300 Right.

00:45:35.540 Cause sometimes we put new music on there, music from different listeners and stuff.

00:45:39.280 And, and it's awesome and I'm grateful for the submissions, but some of you are like,

00:45:43.060 oh, this band sounds just like this other band.

00:45:46.760 And then I started to think like, yeah, the real way to be novel is not to be like, okay,

00:45:53.500 this is what's going on.

00:45:55.460 I'm going to do that and succeed with that.

00:45:58.560 It's to find whatever voice inside of you is different.

00:46:02.780 And it's going to be fucking rocky for a while because nobody's going to believe that that's

00:46:08.780 the next sound, that that's the thing until you get it fine tuned.

00:46:14.080 You know, I think you're, I think you're right, but I think you're alongside it.

00:46:18.960 And that is not find the voice that nobody else is doing.

00:46:22.880 You just have to find your fucking voice.

00:46:24.920 Right.

00:46:25.360 And then maybe it's one that nobody else is doing.

00:46:27.240 Right.

00:46:27.560 Like Jane's addiction as an example, we were all, it was like poison, Cinderella, Motley

00:46:33.080 crew, girls, girls, girls.

00:46:34.240 And then Jane's addiction, it was like all, it was all treble and his voice was real tinny

00:46:38.400 and weird.

00:46:39.200 And Dave Navarro had these like landscape-y sounds.

00:46:41.680 It was like, this is fucking evil.

00:46:43.600 What's happening?

00:46:45.020 And like, there's very few bands.

00:46:46.760 Yeah.

00:46:47.080 That's, you just got to be true to yourself.

00:46:49.020 Like in comedy, like they go, you ever do interviews and they're like, so what's your,

00:46:53.040 what's your point of view?

00:46:54.560 I'm like, what?

00:46:56.480 Like from here is my point of view.

00:46:58.080 Yeah.

00:46:58.340 Like, what is, I don't even know what that means, but I get asked it, I've been asked

00:47:01.540 it a dozen times.

00:47:03.020 What's my point of view?

00:47:04.280 Yeah.

00:47:04.480 I don't fucking know, dude.

00:47:05.460 Where are you coming from on stage?

00:47:06.560 Like, where are you coming from?

00:47:07.240 Yeah.

00:47:07.460 What do you talk, what do you talk about?

00:47:08.600 Yeah.

00:47:08.920 Yeah.

00:47:09.240 People say, what do you talk about?

00:47:10.580 Fucking stuff.

00:47:11.740 Yeah.

00:47:12.300 It's like the biggest, you know what I mean?

00:47:15.240 I'm like, yeah, dude, I don't know.

00:47:17.380 Imagine asking like a painter.

00:47:19.520 So like, what do you paint before he paints?

00:47:22.220 Yeah.

00:47:22.580 Cause we haven't gone on stage yet.

00:47:23.980 It's different every night.

00:47:25.500 Yeah.

00:47:25.840 And that's why comedy is the greatest art form.

00:47:28.880 It's the most art, art form there is.

00:47:31.780 Yeah.

00:47:32.520 I forget about that sometimes.

00:47:34.280 Not poetry, not any art form you can think of.

00:47:37.640 Comedy blows it out of the water and I can prove it.

00:47:40.660 The, the size, every single viewing, the materials change, the size of the frame changes, the way

00:47:48.700 people are looking at it.

00:47:49.620 One night it's a sculpture.

00:47:50.700 One night it's like, it looks like a fucking Jackson Pollock.

00:47:53.420 Like the length of time it is, is different all the time.

00:47:56.360 The people looking at it, make it different every time.

00:48:00.220 It's, it's crazy.

00:48:01.260 Like we're, it's like a guy making a, making like a.

00:48:04.260 Yeah.

00:48:04.460 It's like making ravioli in a, in a matrix or something.

00:48:07.940 That's a neat way to put it.

00:48:09.200 Yeah.

00:48:09.880 It's like, you're just working with, and like we control time.

00:48:12.560 Yeah.

00:48:12.880 We literally bend time.

00:48:15.480 You tell a story about when you were a kid, I was watching the cartoon about Halloween

00:48:20.920 in the back of your mom's.

00:48:22.060 Oh yeah.

00:48:22.740 You know, a pickup and stuff.

00:48:24.500 Yeah.

00:48:24.940 On that station wagon.

00:48:26.100 But if I'm listening to that without the car, it was so funny, buddy.

00:48:30.340 I'm so happy.

00:48:30.740 Thanks man.

00:48:31.220 Yeah.

00:48:31.480 It's so good.

00:48:32.280 Somebody's doing that with you.

00:48:33.220 It's fun.

00:48:33.940 But when you tell that story without that, without the cartoon for me to stare at, I'm

00:48:38.460 there.

00:48:39.760 I'm, I'm in, I'm picturing the car and the heat in the car, you driving around naked

00:48:43.220 and the lady cutting her kid's hair on their front lawn.

00:48:45.700 Oh yeah.

00:48:46.040 Little things like that.

00:48:47.920 I'm, I'm there.

00:48:49.100 I pictured a yard in my head.

00:48:50.940 Yeah.

00:48:51.540 I pictured what the roads look like.

00:48:54.100 There probably weren't sidewalks.

00:48:55.520 Yeah.

00:48:56.100 Yeah.

00:48:56.400 You were probably in like a Ford Granada or something.

00:48:59.700 Or you said what kind of car?

00:49:00.600 Like I actually created a town in my head.

00:49:03.740 No other art does that.

00:49:04.780 The other art goes, this is what you're looking at.

00:49:06.580 This is blue, that's orange and it's all like mishy mosh and it kind of looks like a

00:49:10.620 guy's falling down or this is a sculpture.

00:49:13.120 This is what you're looking at.

00:49:14.020 We say shit and the audience creates what it is in their head.

00:49:18.600 Like George Carlin goes, the best, to me, the best comedy, best sentence in comedy,

00:49:23.600 fuck Tucker, Tucker sucks.

00:49:25.540 When he's talking about soft names make soft people.

00:49:27.500 I'm getting sick of guys named Todd and Cody and Dylan and Tucker.

00:49:32.860 Yeah.

00:49:33.120 Fuck Tucker, Tucker sucks.

00:49:35.780 There is no Tucker.

00:49:37.500 You have to create your own Tucker in your head as an audience member.

00:49:41.720 Yeah.

00:49:42.020 And hate him to the point of applause.

00:49:46.100 In this amount of time.

00:49:48.880 Now.

00:49:50.220 Like fuck Tucker, Tucker, Tucker, Tucker sucks.

00:49:53.460 There's only three words in that sentence.

00:49:55.040 Yeah.

00:49:55.560 Because Tucker's repeated.

00:49:57.200 Fuck Tucker, Tucker sucks.

00:49:58.780 In that amount of time, you have to create a Tucker and go, I fucking hate the guy I just

00:50:03.520 thought of.

00:50:04.040 Yeah.

00:50:05.140 It's insane.

00:50:05.720 He's a wizard.

00:50:07.340 And fuck Todd and guys that look like Todd.

00:50:10.380 And you're like, yeah.

00:50:12.300 You don't even know it, Todd.

00:50:13.280 You'll start cheering.

00:50:14.100 Oh, you'll fire a fucking, you'll light an arrow up.

00:50:15.440 You just gotta create a human being in your head.

00:50:17.900 Oh.

00:50:18.460 That's why comedy's the best.

00:50:19.160 You'll fucking put an arrow in gas and light it and fucking fire it into a damn field of

00:50:22.100 Todd's, bro.

00:50:22.760 Team spirit.

00:50:23.500 I had it.

00:50:23.980 Who wants t-shirts?

00:50:24.720 I hit the baseline.

00:50:28.680 Are you, are you watching, are you watching any sports?

00:50:32.940 Are you still watching hoops?

00:50:34.700 Yeah.

00:50:35.180 Well, the season's about to start.

00:50:36.640 What do you think of this Chinese fallout?

00:50:39.280 It's a tough hustle, man.

00:50:41.100 It's about the, look, let's not, let's not, let's call a spade a spade.

00:50:44.740 Yeah.

00:50:44.940 It's about the almighty dollar.

00:50:46.100 Yeah.

00:50:46.800 NBA's got billions of dollars rolling in.

00:50:50.840 They knew that going in.

00:50:52.780 Risky.

00:50:53.180 And that's how, they're not the first company.

00:50:56.420 No.

00:50:56.900 To make inroads in China and go like, eee, don't do that.

00:51:00.620 We're making millions and billions of dollars.

00:51:02.860 Yeah.

00:51:03.460 This was LeBron right here talking about it.

00:51:06.080 And LeBron is such a, sorry, go on, Nick.

00:51:08.500 We all talk about this freedom of speech.

00:51:10.260 Yes, we all do have freedom of speech.

00:51:12.040 But at times there are ramifications for the negative that can happen when you're not thinking

00:51:17.760 about others and you're only thinking about yourself.

00:51:19.780 So I don't believe, I don't want to get into a word or sentence feud with Daryl, with Daryl

00:51:28.780 Morey.

00:51:29.340 But I believe he wasn't educated on, on the situation at hand and, and he spoke and so

00:51:36.620 many people could have been harmed, not only financially, but physically, emotionally,

00:51:41.700 spiritually.

00:51:42.020 So just be careful what we, what we tweet and we say and what we do, even though, yes,

00:51:47.860 we do have freedom of speech, but there can be a lot of negative that comes with that

00:51:51.960 too.

00:51:52.600 Ice-T, freedom of speech, just watch what you say.

00:51:56.440 It's hard once you vote.

00:51:57.400 He doesn't like Daryl Morey, that's for sure.

00:51:59.220 Once you become part of him because it affected his, his bottom line.

00:52:02.400 He's all right.

00:52:03.360 Oh, he'll be fine.

00:52:04.360 Like if somebody, if like Rob Palenka tweeted that, he wouldn't have that take.

00:52:07.720 If a Lakers guy tweeted that.

00:52:09.040 Right.

00:52:09.260 He wouldn't throw him under the fucking bus.

00:52:10.980 It's family, but it's the guy from the Rockets.

00:52:13.760 Oh, that's a good point.

00:52:14.960 Oh yeah.

00:52:15.240 Like if you're not educated on the issues, like what education do I need?

00:52:18.140 The fact that they're fighting for democracy.

00:52:19.680 Right.

00:52:21.160 Like, you know, but he's right though.

00:52:23.640 They could have been physically like, I know people in the Lakers organization that were

00:52:27.420 concerned.

00:52:27.900 They, that like, they wanted them home.

00:52:29.820 Like let's, are they going to come home?

00:52:31.300 Right.

00:52:31.700 Are they going to come home?

00:52:33.820 Yeah.

00:52:34.160 One of my friends works for the NBA.

00:52:35.320 He was over there and he said the second that, that it all kind of went down, that after

00:52:39.240 that, they always felt watched after that.

00:52:41.400 Of course.

00:52:41.860 You know, when Nixon went to China and the motorcade from the airport to whatever, like

00:52:46.900 the ambassador's palace, everybody on the street was an actor playing a person on the

00:52:51.800 street.

00:52:52.280 Wow.

00:52:52.960 Isn't that amazing?

00:52:54.340 They didn't want anybody getting out of line.

00:52:55.540 They hired actors to be the guy with the newspaper walking to his car.

00:52:59.620 They had a lady with a baby.

00:53:00.980 That was an actress.

00:53:02.440 Like just people, just Nixon looking out the window going, find people here.

00:53:05.620 Yeah.

00:53:05.940 They were all actors from that whole route.

00:53:08.120 They were just praying they're doing the roles.

00:53:09.960 Okay.

00:53:10.340 Dude, China doesn't play, man.

00:53:11.780 I went to China last year.

00:53:12.940 Dude, China doesn't.

00:53:13.480 You did?

00:53:13.880 Yeah.

00:53:14.260 I went to Shanghai or something.

00:53:15.660 Or yeah, Shanghai.

00:53:17.160 Did you do comedy there?

00:53:18.140 Other areas.

00:53:18.680 Yeah.

00:53:19.720 Did comedy over there for a lot of expats, a lot of.

00:53:22.920 That's amazing, Theo.

00:53:24.340 Yeah.

00:53:24.840 It was pretty cool, man.

00:53:25.880 It was, um, it's probably been a year and a half ago.

00:53:29.020 Wow.

00:53:29.700 But China doesn't play, dude.

00:53:31.240 China.

00:53:31.620 Bro, there was no white people.

00:53:33.040 There's nobody.

00:53:33.680 It's just Chinese people.

00:53:35.540 You can't go stay in China.

00:53:37.340 You can't show up in China with no papers and mill around.

00:53:40.940 China doesn't give a fuck.

00:53:42.420 Dude, I've said it before.

00:53:43.320 You're walking down the street in China.

00:53:44.640 You die.

00:53:45.760 They make a soup out of you, buddy.

00:53:47.640 You know?

00:53:48.660 And they do it gracefully, bro.

00:53:50.260 Now there's love and there's a lot of like, you know, like, but they're moving forward.

00:53:54.500 You know what I'm saying?

00:53:55.120 And they're like, we're using you as nutrients.

00:53:56.920 We're going to go build, you know, do whatever we need to do.

00:53:59.060 You can't stop moving.

00:53:59.900 You can't install some windows or fucking.

00:54:01.820 Dude, you got people fucking blowing drywall with their own mouths, bro.

00:54:05.400 You know what I'm saying, bro?

00:54:06.720 You got people fucking.

00:54:08.480 Dude, you'll have one guy mixing asbestos and another guy's open mouth, bro.

00:54:13.440 They're not playing games over there, dude.

00:54:16.100 I think the easiest job in the world, because comedy is maybe one of the hardest ones, right?

00:54:20.900 Police sketch artist in China.

00:54:22.380 Yeah.

00:54:22.480 Yeah.

00:54:22.680 Yeah.

00:54:22.780 Yeah.

00:54:22.960 Yeah.

00:54:23.020 Yeah.

00:54:23.060 Yeah.

00:54:23.100 Yeah.

00:54:23.240 Yeah.

00:54:23.440 Yeah.

00:54:23.500 Yeah.

00:54:23.600 Yeah.

00:54:25.360 That's got to be an easy job, you know?

00:54:27.720 Yeah.

00:54:27.960 I'll tell you the easiest job in the world.

00:54:30.720 Police sketch artist in China.

00:54:34.000 Guy comes in and goes, oh my God, Chinese police.

00:54:37.360 Help me.

00:54:38.020 I just got robbed.

00:54:39.940 And they go, hey, we got it.

00:54:41.580 Five, five, straight black hair.

00:54:43.580 Marlboro reds.

00:54:44.440 Yeah.

00:54:44.740 We got his photo, you know?

00:54:48.640 Oh my God, bro.

00:54:50.760 That's fucking awesome, man.

00:54:52.220 I could have just said it as me.

00:54:53.380 Dude, it's a, no, it's a, that's fucking great.

00:54:55.780 I'll say it as Colin.

00:54:56.840 I think like the easiest job in the world is probably police sketch artist in China, you

00:55:00.740 know?

00:55:01.760 Some guy comes in with a straight, hey, Chinese policeman, I just got robbed.

00:55:04.760 They're like, yeah, yeah.

00:55:05.620 We know who he is.

00:55:07.160 We're on the lookout.

00:55:08.140 Five, five, straight black hair.

00:55:10.080 Marlboro reds.

00:55:11.240 Smushed in those.

00:55:12.040 Okay.

00:55:12.800 We thought he was an Italian with Down syndrome.

00:55:14.740 Maybe.

00:55:15.260 All right.

00:55:15.620 Or that could also be Jim Norton if he has to run to the airport in like an hour and catch

00:55:23.500 his flight.

00:55:24.580 Because he gets a little more antsy when he has to go.

00:55:28.920 Either way, both of them are fucking immaculate.

00:55:32.580 Oh my goodness.

00:55:34.640 What's this here, David?

00:55:36.180 This is, oh, it's like a strong area.

00:55:40.680 You know, we've been sitting here over an hour, you know?

00:55:44.780 Well, what is this?

00:55:46.640 This big chunk of wood here?

00:55:50.380 This used to be a tree or something.

00:55:52.600 It was a table, Norm.

00:55:53.980 It was a table.

00:55:55.300 A what?

00:55:56.320 A table.

00:55:56.960 Like, you know, if you want to set things on stuff or you don't want to hold on to stuff

00:56:00.980 all the time.

00:56:02.220 I may be an old chunk of coal here, you know?

00:56:06.060 And I may have been born at night, but I wasn't born last night.

00:56:09.920 But if I want to set things go, like emotional baggage or past relationships or regret, I

00:56:16.980 don't see how this...

00:56:18.600 Well, what is it called now?

00:56:19.840 A table.

00:56:20.640 It's for...

00:56:21.120 A table?

00:56:21.760 Yeah.

00:56:22.200 Like, if you want to do a puzzle.

00:56:24.380 Well, I don't understand.

00:56:25.560 Was this wood?

00:56:27.240 Yeah, it still is.

00:56:29.280 What kind of wood is your table?

00:56:31.200 I think maple.

00:56:32.240 Now, do you have to make a table out of a certain kind of wood or...

00:56:36.060 I'm fucking losing the impression.

00:56:36.880 No, it's good.

00:56:37.500 I'm struggling here.

00:56:38.820 I loved it, man.

00:56:40.700 Fuck, it's close I ever got to know him.

00:56:41.800 I've asked him 40 times to come on here, so...

00:56:43.460 Well, you know, 47th time is the charm is what no one ever says, you know?

00:56:51.280 Do you think with these athletes getting back to the basketball, do you think with these

00:56:54.080 athletes that...

00:56:55.600 LeBron is like a business, though.

00:56:57.480 It's not even like a person on the court anymore.

00:56:59.480 At a certain point, it's just, you're too big.

00:57:02.220 You can't do...

00:57:03.260 He can't say anything he wants to.

00:57:04.580 He's not making his own choices.

00:57:05.460 He usually does.

00:57:06.760 He usually does.

00:57:07.800 Yeah.

00:57:08.460 He's usually very outspoken because the commissioner wanted the players to be available for the

00:57:14.040 media in China, but the commissioner in the NBA hadn't had an official statement yet.

00:57:18.560 So, LeBron was the guy that led the players to say, whoa, whoa, whoa, you haven't spoken

00:57:24.540 to the media.

00:57:25.760 We didn't do anything wrong.

00:57:27.200 Right.

00:57:27.980 You addressed it.

00:57:28.900 We're not going to go talk and get fed to the wolves.

00:57:31.760 So, like, that's LeBron's power, is they're like, okay, it's media day, and LeBron's like,

00:57:37.520 no, it's not.

00:57:38.600 We're not doing media because you have not spoken to the media.

00:57:40.940 You're the commissioner.

00:57:41.620 You're in charge.

00:57:42.360 Wow.

00:57:43.940 That's gravitas, man.

00:57:45.520 Yeah.

00:57:45.840 That's gravity.

00:57:46.800 Just today, the Chinese state broadcaster said Commissioner Adam Silver will face retribution

00:57:53.320 sooner or later for saying that Beijing wanted him to fire Daryl Morey.

00:57:57.940 So, like...

00:57:58.900 Like, you can't win with these folks.

00:58:01.060 Is this camera on right here?

00:58:02.360 Yes.

00:58:03.000 China.

00:58:03.920 Suck my dick.

00:58:05.420 I'll say it in Chinese.

00:58:06.760 Suck my dick.

00:58:08.080 Yeah.

00:58:08.800 Like, fucking relax, China.

00:58:10.960 Fucking stop.

00:58:11.940 China won't stop, dude.

00:58:13.120 I'm telling you, bro.

00:58:14.480 They're game.

00:58:15.180 Give us...

00:58:15.600 Yeah, they're game.

00:58:16.180 Gameness.

00:58:17.260 Bro, they're game, and when the dog goes in the cage, they fucking decorate, you know...

00:58:20.820 Me and you go to China, we'll fucking clean house.

00:58:24.160 Chinese women, bro.

00:58:25.840 Dude, you can't...

00:58:26.680 Bro, there's not even...

00:58:28.140 You're not cleaning house over there, man.

00:58:30.300 Just making a joke.

00:58:31.420 Oh, yeah.

00:58:31.700 But China, like...

00:58:32.560 There's gonna be...

00:58:33.660 How do they have retribution to the NBA commissioner?

00:58:36.120 Like, they're gonna fucking slap his neck when he's sleeping?

00:58:38.420 You know what they'll do?

00:58:39.180 They'll probably get three guys on each other's shoulders, put them in a, like, a warm-up

00:58:43.260 outfit, get them onto a team, and just have them doing wild layups, and then...

00:58:49.080 I think we all know how the Chinese are gonna have retribution to Adam Silver, and that

00:58:52.920 is, of course, three words for Chow Yun-Fat.

00:58:56.160 One fan raised 43...

00:58:58.180 One Laker fan raised $43,000 to hand out Stand with Hong Kong t-shirts at the Lakers season

00:59:04.380 opener.

00:59:05.480 Because Hong Kong's...

00:59:06.460 The season opener...

00:59:07.780 That's coming up.

00:59:09.120 Not in China.

00:59:10.240 No, no, no, no, no.

00:59:11.280 Yeah, because they'd be in jail.

00:59:12.240 Yeah, it's interesting how it's like...

00:59:15.340 Well, I'm sorry.

00:59:16.660 He raised money to make fucking t-shirts?

00:59:19.240 Yeah, it was...

00:59:19.880 Send me and Theo your money, you creeps.

00:59:22.080 Fucking t-shirt man.

00:59:24.100 Yeah.

00:59:24.460 People gave him how much?

00:59:26.100 $43,000.

00:59:27.240 To make t-shirts?

00:59:28.240 Damn.

00:59:28.820 I would just keep the money.

00:59:29.100 $3 each?

00:59:30.660 Yeah.

00:59:31.680 They cost two bucks to make.

00:59:33.600 He fucking rude.

00:59:34.400 He got taken.

00:59:35.300 How many people can even fit in the stay-in?

00:59:37.820 $16,000?

00:59:38.680 20, 22, something.

00:59:40.640 So, yeah, they got taken.

00:59:42.240 But it's just wow.

00:59:44.740 I think everybody in the stands should be like this.

00:59:46.580 Ugh.

00:59:47.160 And do like...

00:59:47.960 Every time there's a free throw, everybody just go like...

00:59:50.980 Ugh.

00:59:52.100 Fweet-o.

00:59:53.220 Like every time there's a free throw, you see the audience, they're waving like those

00:59:55.500 thunder sticks.

00:59:56.720 What if you just see...

00:59:57.840 Like some guy goes to the line for a free throw.

01:00:01.360 And you see like...

01:00:02.380 I don't know, like 600 people are like...

01:00:03.980 Ugh.

01:00:05.040 Pulling their fucking eyes back.

01:00:07.300 That's how you fuck with China.

01:00:08.420 The protesters might take offense to that too.

01:00:10.580 That's the crazy thing, dude.

01:00:11.780 It's like...

01:00:11.920 You want democracy or not?

01:00:12.760 That's my right to do it.

01:00:13.820 People are like...

01:00:14.340 It's their right to throw me at a Staples Center too.

01:00:16.400 I'm not fucking doing it.

01:00:17.460 I'm a company man.

01:00:18.300 Dude, it's a...

01:00:19.200 I'm not fucking on my Lakers relationship.

01:00:21.320 But you'll have so many people in America, it's like, oh, we got to...

01:00:24.140 You know, everybody...

01:00:25.040 We have to be so welcoming to other countries.

01:00:26.680 We have to be so welcoming to China.

01:00:28.040 We have to make America more like China so people from China can fit in.

01:00:31.280 But if you made America more like China, then you'd be making it a fucking...

01:00:34.900 It is more like China.

01:00:35.920 We have a fucking dictator.

01:00:36.940 But I'm just saying, you'd be making it...

01:00:39.540 If you made it more like...

01:00:41.380 I don't know what I'm fucking saying, bro.

01:00:43.400 Fuck, I hate talking sometimes.

01:00:44.880 Hey, man.

01:00:45.920 Not as much as I hate talking.

01:00:47.800 Really?

01:00:48.120 I can't stop.

01:00:49.200 I just found out I was bipolar three weeks ago.

01:00:51.140 Did you really do?

01:00:52.140 Diagnosed at 49 years old.

01:00:53.560 Am I, you think?

01:00:54.860 No.

01:00:55.680 Fuck.

01:00:56.440 Bipolar type 2.

01:00:57.480 I need something.

01:00:59.020 You don't, Theo.

01:01:00.120 I swear.

01:01:00.900 Let's just keep talking off air.

01:01:02.280 You're all right.

01:01:03.380 Yeah.

01:01:04.240 It's this town will fuck with you, too.

01:01:06.080 Yeah, this town will fuck with you, dude.

01:01:07.640 Who's this guy?

01:01:08.340 It's Martin Harris.

01:01:08.880 Is that the lead singer of Erasure?

01:01:10.160 I don't know.

01:01:10.900 It could be.

01:01:13.600 Hey, boys, how's it going?

01:01:14.780 Lips like sugar.

01:01:16.840 Theo, big fan of the podcast.

01:01:18.580 Appreciate your work.

01:01:19.620 Jay, big fan of your career in general.

01:01:22.200 One of my favorites of all time is one that flies under the radar, I feel, and that's Mafia.

01:01:29.660 Hilarious movie.

01:01:30.720 It's been a favorite of mine for years.

01:01:32.440 I would love to know a little bit more about how that came to be made, and if you have

01:01:36.680 any good stories surrounding that flick.

01:01:39.480 It's an absolute riot to watch.

01:01:41.420 Also, really enjoyed the doc that you made about HR from Bad Brains.

01:01:45.100 How did that come about?

01:01:46.920 Super interesting.

01:01:47.900 I didn't know that your background was in hardcore punk, stuff like that.

01:01:53.020 Do you have any other favorite bands from the genre, from the era, whether it's New York,

01:01:57.040 DC?

01:01:57.360 Gang, bro.

01:01:58.480 It's gang gang.

01:01:59.160 Hey, will you pull up, if you go to YouTube, Finding Joseph.

01:02:04.900 So, Mafia is one of my favorite movies I ever did, for many different reasons.

01:02:09.320 A, I never was in a comedy before.

01:02:12.260 That was my first comedy, being a comedian.

01:02:14.400 Wow.

01:02:14.580 I had done 14 movies, and that was my first comedy.

01:02:16.800 But it wasn't really a comedy for me, because it's the guys that did Airplane and Hotshot.

01:02:22.000 So, everything I said is the lead.

01:02:23.120 David Fincher?

01:02:23.860 No, is that him?

01:02:24.580 No.

01:02:25.340 Jim Abrams.

01:02:26.860 So, everything I said, I had to say straight, and all the craziness happens around that.

01:02:31.420 Oh, yeah.

01:02:31.640 You're just the son.

01:02:32.360 Like, excuse me, stewardess, I speak jive.

01:02:33.980 Like, she's not acting like a joke, like an airplane.

01:02:37.520 She has to say it straight.

01:02:38.520 Like, she speaks jive.

01:02:40.100 So, it was so much fun.

01:02:43.260 I made good dough, and it's the only movie I ever auditioned for that they told me I had

01:02:47.900 it at the audition.

01:02:49.000 Wow.

01:02:49.340 I auditioned, they go, so you want it?

01:02:51.140 This is great.

01:02:51.680 You want to do it?

01:02:52.200 I'm like, yeah.

01:02:54.020 How much do you want to be paid?

01:02:55.640 I go, $600,000?

01:02:56.940 They go, great.

01:02:57.660 I'm like, fuck.

01:02:59.060 I should have said one million.

01:03:00.520 Yeah.

01:03:00.760 All right, you got three minutes?

01:03:04.120 I got to go to practice.

01:03:05.140 You do?

01:03:05.420 Understood.

01:03:05.860 This is available everywhere.

01:03:07.540 This is a documentary I made with James Lathos, the director.

01:03:10.920 He handed me a whole bunch of footage of the band Bad Brains, and we sort of redirected

01:03:16.280 it towards mental health.

01:03:17.660 Do you know the band Bad Brains, Dale?

01:03:18.920 You're about to get edumacated.

01:03:20.600 I want it.

01:03:20.860 And this was, I'm as proud of this as anything I've ever done.

01:03:25.400 This is about three years ago.

01:03:26.300 We finally got it sold.

01:03:28.040 So, you'll dig it.

01:03:29.680 Greetings in the name of His Imperial Majesty, Jeff Rastafari.

01:03:35.500 My name is Ross Hialu Gabriel Josefai, a.k.a. HR.

01:03:42.740 Who is HR?

01:03:44.140 Well, he's a lot of things, but number one, he's the best vocalist ever.

01:03:47.880 He was the guy who made me feel like anything was possible.

01:03:51.940 Everything was possible.

01:03:53.500 When it's on, it's on.

01:03:54.380 So, if you happen to witness when it was like lightning striking, you got the feel, it was

01:03:58.260 like, you can see that on stage, like, he believes he's worshiping God.

01:04:01.840 He's in it, and nothing else matters.

01:04:04.440 That's an it thing that not many people have, that rock star it factor.

01:04:09.720 And he so had it.

01:04:11.020 So, we're watching a show, and he's doing a song, and he does a backflip, and he lands

01:04:16.100 exactly at the end of the song.

01:04:17.760 And it was like game old.

01:04:20.000 And this is a documentary you produced, directed?

01:04:22.160 Yeah.

01:04:22.920 I executive produced it.

01:04:23.920 Wow.

01:04:25.240 That looks good, man.

01:04:26.240 It's fantastic.

01:04:27.720 My friend Scott will love that, dude.

01:04:28.820 He loves all kind of music.

01:04:30.840 Bad Brains, the lead singer.

01:04:32.140 He's the lead singer of Bad Brains.

01:04:33.760 They're one of the most important punk bands ever.

01:04:35.840 It's like 1980, from D.C.

01:04:38.260 A bunch of black guys doing punk, a bunch of Rastas.

01:04:40.620 But they're from D.C.

01:04:41.340 They're all like military kids, too.

01:04:42.700 Two of them were.

01:04:44.160 How'd you get on to them?

01:04:45.740 I'm a punk rock guy.

01:04:46.680 I like punk.

01:04:47.400 You like Henry, what's his name?

01:04:49.020 Henry Rollins?

01:04:50.120 He's like one, he bows at the altar of Bad Brains.

01:04:53.380 Oh, really?

01:04:53.980 I don't know if he bows to anybody.

01:04:55.380 He's a good dude, Henry.

01:04:56.480 But yeah, he was in that scene.

01:04:58.560 And then Fugazi came out of D.C.

01:05:00.200 Yeah.

01:05:00.920 Yeah.

01:05:01.200 They started all of it.

01:05:03.540 Skinny Puppy, was that one or not?

01:05:05.300 I don't know if they're from D.C., but.

01:05:06.940 Acid Bath or no?

01:05:08.060 Beastie Boys sample Bad Brains.

01:05:13.480 That's like a break from a Bad Brains song.

01:05:16.200 And Jane's Addiction, Perry Farrell, was asked what their music sounds like.

01:05:19.680 And he goes, we're a cross between Duke Ellington and Bad Brains.

01:05:24.040 And this old guy goes, what's a Bad Brain?

01:05:26.740 It's like some old documentary I saw.

01:05:28.540 Dude, you're one of the neatest Bad Brains I know, man.

01:05:31.820 I got good brains, bad brains.

01:05:33.420 They're just brains, man.

01:05:35.040 Brains!

01:05:36.600 Well, what do you mean?

01:05:38.600 It's in my head.

01:05:39.060 I was just going to do it.

01:05:40.000 Oh, damn.

01:05:40.760 Hey, I noticed you have a thing on your head.

01:05:43.080 Is your head okay, Theo?

01:05:44.580 Because you have bananas where your hair should be.

01:05:48.600 Yeah, man.

01:05:49.760 Well, what happened?

01:05:50.920 Maybe there was a banana accident.

01:05:52.760 It's like, yeah.

01:05:54.360 Yeah.

01:05:54.760 Hey, maybe you're a monkey's uncle.

01:05:56.700 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:05:59.160 I think that's perfect, man.

01:06:01.840 One of the baddest brains I know.

01:06:04.340 Jay Moore, thanks for coming in today, man.

01:06:06.040 I love you, man.

01:06:06.760 I love you, too, man.

01:06:07.840 Yeah, that's life sentence.

01:06:09.180 Straight up.

01:06:10.340 And 24-7.

01:06:11.740 Wake me up.

01:06:12.400 You need something, I got it.

01:06:13.560 Yeah, man.

01:06:14.020 They say in Hawaii, this guy once said to me, I was breaking his balls, we were shooting

01:06:18.540 something, and the AD was Hawaiian and Korean.

01:06:22.780 Tommy Cho.

01:06:24.680 I'm like, are we doing it?

01:06:25.600 Are we doing it?

01:06:26.100 Are we doing it?

01:06:26.940 What's happening?

01:06:27.620 The lights go off?

01:06:28.540 I was being a dick.

01:06:29.400 And he goes, hey, if can, can.

01:06:31.320 If no can, no can.

01:06:32.620 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:06:33.900 So if can, can.

01:06:35.940 Dude, you know what they say, don't come on my back and tell me it's raining, brother.

01:06:39.160 You feel me?

01:06:40.000 Oh, yeah.

01:06:40.560 Let me know you're coming on my back so I can enjoy it.

01:06:42.400 Well, here's a white supremacist real quick.

01:06:44.960 Let's fucking get this guy in.

01:06:46.940 More.

01:06:47.640 My question is for you.

01:06:51.280 Do you and Burt Kreischer currently have beef?

01:06:57.800 This guy's at night in a gym.

01:06:59.160 Rumor is, you do.

01:07:01.920 This guy seems like a rumor.

01:07:03.120 Why is everybody doing, like, acting performances for their questions?

01:07:06.320 Like, I'm supposed to be delivering pizzas, but I'm, like, everybody's Shatner.

01:07:11.120 They all try to be Theo a little bit.

01:07:12.740 Do you and...

01:07:13.660 Do they?

01:07:14.080 I don't think it's Theo.

01:07:15.160 Like, it's more, maybe.

01:07:16.500 Maybe that one wasn't, but...

01:07:17.660 That seems like hospital.

01:07:18.340 Do you and Burt Kreischer have beef?

01:07:22.000 Rumor has it...

01:07:23.500 What do you do?

01:07:24.760 No.

01:07:26.180 I think...

01:07:26.840 There you go.

01:07:27.800 Burt's doing his thing.

01:07:29.120 I got fucking kids.

01:07:30.180 I'm divorced twice.

01:07:31.320 I've gotten sober twice.

01:07:32.800 I've given the IRS $700,000 twice.

01:07:35.460 I got fucking beef with anybody.

01:07:37.160 By the way, there's no rumor.

01:07:40.440 Yeah, rumor doesn't...

01:07:41.140 And first of all, rumor never hit that guy.

01:07:43.240 Yeah.

01:07:43.600 I mean, I'm glad that guy is supporting the podcast, but also, that guy has on no shirt

01:07:47.740 and beanie, which...

01:07:49.060 I'm not fucking with that guy.

01:07:50.300 That guy's legit.

01:07:51.220 Are you cold or not?

01:07:52.160 That guy can fight.

01:07:52.960 He's in his gym, fucking putting in work, and in the middle of working out, he goes,

01:07:55.760 let me get this question down on wax, man.

01:07:58.180 Jigga, jigga, jigga, beef.

01:08:00.240 Where do you get Finding Joseph?

01:08:02.520 Where can you get it?

01:08:03.820 You got to look it up, because the director panicked and sold it to a lesser distributor.

01:08:09.340 It should be on iTunes and fucking Netflix, but the director took a little more money

01:08:14.860 for it to be on a different platform.

01:08:16.540 You can buy it on YouTube.

01:08:17.960 That's one place, but I was aware of it.

01:08:19.560 I have no idea.

01:08:21.120 But it's out there.

01:08:23.420 Addison, Texas.

01:08:24.200 Dude, you got to come back again soon, man.

01:08:25.960 Anytime.

01:08:26.240 It's been too long.

01:08:26.920 Mondays, Tuesdays, I'm always free.

01:08:29.100 I've kind of dropped the ball.

01:08:30.480 Do you do this every week, a couple times a week?

01:08:32.160 Yeah.

01:08:33.120 We've been doing less guests, but I'd talk to you forever.

01:08:35.540 It's easy.

01:08:36.480 I'll come back next Monday.

01:08:37.360 You just shelve it and make it an evergreen show.

01:08:39.440 Some people, just come back.

01:08:43.160 We'll do next Monday.

01:08:44.340 I'd love to have you back.

01:08:46.220 We'll talk about whatever.

01:08:47.360 If can, can.

01:08:48.380 If can, can.

01:08:50.020 Can, can.

01:08:51.040 Hey, remember what the fly said when he was walking over the mirror, Theo.

01:08:55.480 That's one way of looking at it, you know?

01:08:57.680 I don't know.

01:08:58.240 Now I'm getting addicted to doing Norm's, like, quiet voice.

01:09:02.520 I tell you, there's this guy, you know?

01:09:05.600 We were like, yeah, we were going across Ontario.

01:09:08.820 And everyone's like, I don't know, this bad guy.

01:09:11.400 You know what?

01:09:11.960 That's like when you really can get an impression.

01:09:14.260 Like, if you do the person quiet.

01:09:15.960 I love that.

01:09:16.900 Like Christopher Walken.

01:09:18.780 All right, man.

01:09:19.280 I got to go to practice and change some lives.

01:09:21.240 You changed mine, buddy.

01:09:22.520 Gang, bro.

01:09:23.120 Good to see you today, man.

01:09:23.900 I love you.

01:09:24.380 I love you, too, man.

01:09:24.980 Get back in the ocean with me.

01:09:26.020 I will.

01:09:26.480 New paddle boards.

01:09:27.320 Really?

01:09:27.840 Yeah, they're huge.

01:09:28.540 It's like an aircraft carrier.

01:09:29.420 Oh, damn.

01:09:30.200 Dude, that's C-130, huh?

01:09:31.740 The limits.

01:09:32.320 Now I'm just floating on the breeze.

01:09:36.100 And I feel I'm falling like these leaves.

01:09:39.060 I must be cornerstone.

01:09:44.220 Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.

01:09:49.820 I can feel it in my bones.

01:09:54.320 But it's going to take a little time For me to set that parking brake And let myself

01:10:04.360 unwind Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my stories

01:10:15.220 Shine on me And I will find a song I will sing it

01:10:25.940 Just for me

01:10:27.800 And now I've been moving way too fast On a runaway train with a heavy load of my

01:10:38.420 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll

01:10:47.140 be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to

01:10:51.820 pleasure your partner.

01:10:53.400 The answer may shock you.

01:10:55.120 Sometimes I'll interview my friends.

01:10:57.240 Sometimes I won't.

01:10:58.880 And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.

01:11:01.540 A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.

01:11:07.720 I've been talking about Kite Club for so long.

01:11:10.400 Longer than anybody else.

01:11:12.060 So great.

01:11:13.380 Hi.

01:11:14.020 Swee-ah.

01:11:15.040 Easy deal.

01:11:16.380 Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker.

01:11:20.300 Jermaine.

01:11:21.440 Hi.

01:11:22.440 I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.

01:11:25.400 Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.

01:11:27.060 I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.

01:11:32.200 Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:11:36.360 Second rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:11:40.580 Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts, or watch us on YouTube,

01:11:45.700 yeah?

01:11:46.360 And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - October 23, 2019

Jay Mohr 2 ｜ This Past Weekend #239

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