This Past Weekend with Theo Von - Jay Mohr ｜ This Past Weekend #84

00:00:00.000 uh let's kick it off let's go

00:00:07.480 that's it that's it that's that hitter

00:00:18.080 you know who that is baby that's that stevie starlight

00:00:23.180 there you go

00:00:30.000 there you go girl

00:00:32.260 there you go big dog

00:00:36.720 put on an extra scarf

00:00:40.900 put on an extra scarf we getting naughty

00:00:49.700 we are getting naughty

00:00:56.080 thank you guys for being here uh this past thursday this is um this is an episode that is brought to you by

00:01:05.660 gray block pizza gray block at 1811 pico boulevard in los angeles on the way to the beach you know

00:01:11.600 get that hitter i also want to let you know that hey did you know this past weekend is now available on

00:01:19.240 spotify spotify is making it easy for you to stream this podcast and many others like it on your mobile

00:01:26.340 device desktop app and smart speaker open the app on mobile or desktop click on the browse channel and

00:01:34.760 then click on the podcast section take me with you wherever you go thanks to spotify play me for the

00:01:41.600 children leave me in a room on on speaker and put your grandmother in there your or your or your senior

00:01:47.400 citizen grandfather in there in a wheelchair and put me on the speaker next to him and let him get that

00:01:54.000 vibe because we're out here slinging this vibe real real quick we're about to get into the episode

00:01:59.620 and i want to thank you guys for being here with me we have uh nick davis is in studio today nick

00:02:04.900 what's up theo how are you i'm really well man i want to thank you so much uh in addition to uh

00:02:10.780 chris perez who isn't here today but who's helping produce um you're here today and uh and we got our

00:02:17.180 first guest in hell yeah jay moore i know and you've worked with jay before you've been in studio with him

00:02:22.320 before yeah yeah over at uh the adam carolla show he was a fan favorite there brings characters

00:02:27.260 and uh great pod yeah he's a wild animal man and i'm so excited we're going to get to him in just

00:02:31.640 a second and thank you for being here with us nick uh i want to let you guys notice a couple of

00:02:36.320 upcoming dates april 6th and 7th i'll be in tampa florida at the attic at rock brothers brewing and

00:02:42.640 that's almost sold out uh april 20th and 21st i'll be in hasbrook heights new jersey at bananas

00:02:47.980 or bananas as they say in spanish um uh june 15th and 16th that yuck yucks up there in calgary canada

00:02:55.940 so if you canadian get out there boy and july 6th through the 8th at levity live in oxnard

00:03:02.960 um and i'm so grateful you guys will be here all tickets are available at theovan.com slash

00:03:08.060 tour t-o-u-r and we'll be launching that dark arts tour uh very soon here as soon as we get this dang

00:03:15.200 website put together but we have jay moore in today um i'm excited and i'm so grateful for you guys for

00:03:23.540 being here with me um and have i've not been talking to this the whole time nick i feel bad

00:03:29.840 i think they know you're you're talking to them they're all right okay all right guys i just want

00:03:36.140 to thank you so much we're gonna go now we just recorded the episode with jay and then i did this

00:03:40.600 part after to be honest with you and uh and we had jay moore in and this is our first uh our first guest

00:03:47.880 we had uneven steven a while back that gentleman i met at the dmv and he came here with some issues

00:03:53.300 boy he had that you know i mean his eyeballs was in you know just in the dead sea he was out there on

00:03:58.860 that fire water and then we had another gentleman you know um mr roger rod but this is our first real

00:04:04.660 guest in the studio uh here and welcome and uh we're happy to have mr jay moore

00:04:10.920 look at these pipes kiddo let's go in oh yeah and you are you're irish huh irish german scottish

00:04:19.820 so you might not make it might not make it let me tell you something man there's a plane crash i'm 0.99

00:04:25.640 walking out and i'm not gonna be like that asshole leonard skinner that got shot at somebody's front 0.93

00:04:30.120 door yeah that's one of the best stories that nobody tells what happened so he so uh we're here 0.94

00:04:35.020 with uh with jay moore hi we're live thank you guys for joining us um so leonard skinner died

00:04:41.080 uh he did not die but the band a bunch of members died there was a plane crash yeah skinner and a

00:04:47.760 couple dudes died one guy survived he had like a broken pelvis broken back broken legs and he walked

00:04:52.060 to like a farmhouse like there's like clockwork orange there's been a horrible accident and the

00:04:57.180 guy opened the door and shot him wow and he died that way just so he survived all the way till the door

00:05:02.580 yeah that's i would be uh like i'd show up at the gates swinging if that's i'd be like you mother 0.99

00:05:08.280 hey i just fucking survived the plane are you fucking kidding me little buckshot all through my 0.99

00:05:12.440 body like you get shot in the chest with buckshot it's in your legs like it's everywhere from the 0.99

00:05:17.140 inside yeah i think that's the kind of thing i bet right when you get shot by it i bet you start

00:05:21.240 to itch because it's yeah that hot burn we're talking specifically gunshot right yeah 22 guy like

00:05:28.100 you would blink off a 22 yeah you could shake off 22 you could still drive to the cvs and get what 0.97

00:05:32.280 your wife needs unless it was the massad then they put it up your butt what is that uh the 1.00

00:05:37.280 israeli secret service uh-uh they get into bed like they dress up oh you don't know about operation 0.98

00:05:41.640 wrath of god after the 72 olympic massacre golden my ear after they told her what happened the prime

00:05:48.480 minister said send the boys and then the massad the last guy they killed i think was 1996 from 72 he

00:05:57.560 answered his cell phone hello is this uh you know whatever and he goes yes boom took his head off

00:06:04.240 with a cell phone and so the massad is like a dark they're like a dark arts army kind of for israel 0.75

00:06:09.080 it's their secret service um they're like marines yeah but like uh netanyahu was one and like they

00:06:15.860 would literally dress up in burqas walk around like women for a day and then crawl into bed and then the 0.99

00:06:20.780 husband would come home they put a 22 in his asshole pull the trigger six empty it and they get back in 1.00

00:06:25.020 they'd be back in israel in like six hours dude that almost makes me some part of that made me 0.99

00:06:30.220 like a mildly sexually turn you're holding yeah you are you are adjusting i don't know what that was

00:06:35.640 but this is theo vaughn here and we're here listen to his podcast yeah and thank you for joining us

00:06:40.840 thank you john ferguson moore we're uh said that like no jan ferguson moore you know you're the first

00:06:46.040 guest that we've ever had why is that well we had gang we had uh one man who had some issues uh

00:06:52.840 who i met at the dmv one time but he hasn't i don't know i can't believe he was available

00:06:58.740 oh yeah the dude at the dmv he came hot ticket he was shining man he came i mean it seemed like

00:07:04.660 somebody just you know just hidden just electricity in his eyes boy when he showed up he was pretty

00:07:10.000 bent out this man steven and uh and i haven't been able to get a hold of him i've called him a couple

00:07:15.920 times and then we had another dude this guy's kind of an older wigger kind of guy and that was this guy 1.00

00:07:20.560 named roger rod i don't know if you know him he's comedian that's my rap name is it really

00:07:23.960 oh yeah i'm i'm debate i go back and forth between uh parallel oh that's good parallel ogram yeah

00:07:31.780 he's gonna get with the program what um it's actually by the way that had no thought other

00:07:38.020 than that moment i know i want you guys to think my fake rat names i uh was parallel ogram or that

00:07:43.180 it was that bad i was just you know off the top of my dome kid mine honestly dude and this is like 0.50

00:07:48.400 i wanted to be white nigga back in the day but and i know that that's kind of a you know i mean now 0.98

00:07:53.580 it's like you know i would hope that you're all out of fucks at this point yeah okay are you like me 0.98

00:07:58.460 theoban i like when a celebrity apologizes you'll ask me a minute like bill maher's apology enraged me 0.96

00:08:07.120 really the joke was perfect yeah the joke was perfect structurally contextually and it was in 0.97

00:08:13.260 counter to a creepy fucking white guy saying come on down we'll put you to work in the fields 0.97

00:08:18.820 yeah and he goes what what did you say we'll put you work in the fields yeah and he goes i'm i'm a 0.99

00:08:25.380 house nigger yeah perfect yeah and then twitter gets going and twitter's the death bottom line is 0.99

00:08:31.500 hbo goes if you don't apologize you can say goodbye to whatever million dollars so he does the apology 0.81

00:08:35.560 but the thing is who's that apology for he's not a racist yeah it's for hbo oh i think that he's

00:08:41.980 probably just as racist as some people are look i don't think a comedian can really even be racist 0.98

00:08:46.780 this is our tribe gays and blacks and like women like you're a homophobe like homo i'm in show 1.00

00:08:53.480 business like what are you talking about i can't be right i don't think like it's just but the more 0.99

00:08:58.640 you defend it the more you seem like a guy that's defending what he believes in the opposite yeah it's

00:09:03.340 like you're up against a you all often feel out here like i'm up against a mountain but i was

00:09:07.420 talking to my friend about this yesterday like there's also this weird vibe that like all gay 1.00

00:09:11.380 people are like the friendliest people a lot of gay dudes that i know even my buddies are assholes 0.98

00:09:16.700 yeah so judgmental your outfit's a little matchy matchy you know yeah well that's everybody i mean 0.97

00:09:22.880 so we're right it's everybody like that and it's like that in of itself is you and i having a bit 0.57

00:09:27.940 of a racist conversation because we're saying that like gay guys do this when it's society when it's 1.00

00:09:32.400 everybody society are just fucking dicks okay so then do you think that for some reason then 1.00

00:09:36.740 that like first of all lower your fucking voice when you talk to me okay all right do you think 1.00

00:09:40.660 that for some reason i then talk that i will like so think so based in that that like if everybody's 1.00

00:09:49.780 just an asshole but i guess maybe it's like gay guys don't get it's like they get sometimes this 1.00

00:09:55.400 pass that they're not assholes just because they're gay like they get this shield of armor maybe i don't 1.00

00:10:00.060 do assumptions man maybe i'm not airing you out to dry but maybe yeah but i do know this is what i 1.00

00:10:06.060 know about gay guys they love the cock yeah but they don't necessarily need a cock to like get what 0.99

00:10:12.940 they need yeah like they have mouths and like mutual masturbation parties and stuff like that 0.99

00:10:18.400 do they really i hope so where at i'm gonna find out we will be there if it's just mutual masturbation 0.99

00:10:25.440 dude that'd be a great that'd be a great movie two dudes that go undercover into like a gay men's um 0.95

00:10:30.720 you know sex house or something health crisis yeah no yes and they but they have to not get 0.99

00:10:37.560 fucked that's the rule now this would be a good uh thing for fraternity gay rush millions yes yes if 1.00

00:10:43.920 you get fucked you lose all the money if you get fucked you know everything but yeah can i uh blow a 1.00

00:10:48.720 guy why would you ever ask me that no i don't know i don't know like in stripes when he goes last 1.00

00:10:53.000 question it's standard are either one of you homosexuals no like flaming and harold ramus 0.98

00:10:58.900 goes no but we're willing to learn and bill murray goes would they send us someplace special for that

00:11:03.140 amazing i haven't seen that movie man like black the stereotypes i think are stereotypes 0.90

00:11:08.180 because they're true irish people are drunk i'm an alcoholic black people don't tip 0.91

00:11:13.700 right uh stereotypically though i was a waiter a black couple came at the end of your shift you're 1.00

00:11:19.680 like i'm not i'm not fucking staying i'm not gonna chop up pineapple slices for this guy's 0.99

00:11:24.420 blended drink yeah and i'm give me a quarter and go that's for you my man yeah now every friend i have 0.90

00:11:29.760 goes i you've been to dinner with me i've been incredible and they are like incredible temper so 0.84

00:11:34.520 it's some shit i held on from my past yeah that's the thing sometimes i wonder if they're just things

00:11:38.020 that i hold on to from a long time ago that like i don't know if they just don't serve me anymore 0.95

00:11:43.980 if i i don't know i can't even tell you i would say none of it serves you or me from a long time

00:11:49.100 ago like we got fucked up in our living rooms how tall are you i'm probably i'm six foot that's weird 0.96

00:11:55.040 you'd say probably yeah but i haven't checked myself in probably 15 years oh so you think yeah 0.59

00:12:00.280 maybe i had a growth spread at 32 or my guy i have a grandfather grew two inches in his 50s in his early

00:12:05.060 50s what was he watching i don't know what he was watching i mean he was probably i don't know what

00:12:10.480 he was doing but he grew two inches in his 50s and here's the crazy part oh you're talking about

00:12:15.040 cop i thought yeah no i mean in his height and he and he i know oh okay i go really low and then i

00:12:23.380 kind of come in high different frequencies man the uh but this man he um and he didn't like his wife 0.97

00:12:31.440 anymore when he grew taller how crazy and they were in love before did she have female pattern baldness 1.00

00:12:36.700 serious question because that was the first time you could see like oh my god you're i don't think 0.96

00:12:41.020 so i just stupid head i could look at all but i think from certain angles certain people are prettier 0.71

00:12:45.560 you know so often it makes a great point it makes you think that like if yeah the love of your life 0.98

00:12:52.100 or a half inch shorter then you guys might hate each other because you'd be catching that other optic 0.89

00:12:57.100 cover you know you might be coming in at that hot 46 when you were you're in love at about a 48

00:13:02.240 could i tell you something yeah i'm 47 years old i've never even entertained or had any notion of

00:13:08.860 this particular conversation congratulations i'm serious like i've never in my life entertained this

00:13:13.920 idea that at a different height you would be in love with who you're in love with it's really

00:13:17.600 fascinating yeah man angles different optics well they fell out of love i mean it cost him his 1.00

00:13:22.720 love of his life you know because it cost i mean he got new pussy how old how old is he 52 i believe 1.00

00:13:29.360 hey i'm 47 yeah i hope you know i'll have cialis like remember the good humor man had that thing 0.99

00:13:34.900 would change on his hip like like cialis like that dude i took five milligrams when i hit to hit the 0.97

00:13:41.060 comedy store last night the shit i got makes my legs sweat i got some stuff from india right now 0.99

00:13:45.060 and my pants will be wet dude by about an hour and a half into that pill but 0.99

00:13:49.320 why are they why just your legs i don't know i think that's flushing that's the side effect people

00:13:54.940 don't understand what flushing means it's all the liquid leaves your body except semen and blood

00:13:59.060 oh really yeah that's why you like your cheeks get red yeah my lips get hard and i can't talk that

00:14:04.020 good because all the moisture leaves and like you get caught in mouth and you just keep pissing and 0.99

00:14:08.080 shitting and pissing and shitting like what's going on you're just sitting in a toilet taking a runny 1.00

00:14:11.180 dump with a boner you're like i gotta get in there you're like i'm trying to fuck that's why viagra 1.00

00:14:16.300 i prefer cialis because viagra is just like it's too strong it's too strong i can't get a shirt on and 1.00

00:14:22.160 off if i viagra i like that it's too intense i had uh so i had cialis last night i was on the phone with

00:14:27.800 you i'm away to the pharmacy to pick it up and they go that'll be six hundred dollars and i go

00:14:31.580 well i don't have six hundred dollars how many pills are in there yeah so they go 10 i go how

00:14:36.400 much for a pill and the pharmacist goes i'll give you a pill oh really so i ate it there and then i 0.98

00:14:43.080 went home that's crazy like in front of her and now i didn't realize how stupid i didn't realize how 0.94

00:14:48.860 awful like she hands me the bottle with one pill rattling around yeah and there's any old drug 0.99

00:14:54.000 addict and i was like no bueno man i need to pack so make no sound as i walk through checkpoint

00:14:58.600 charlie there and i just swallowed it i went home my girlfriend made dinner and then um did you guys 0.98

00:15:04.240 have sex after or no i didn't ejaculate but it was it was the longest i've had sex in maybe three 0.97

00:15:10.000 years oh wow because i have erectile dysfunction yeah bad oh i've been through look as opposed to good 0.98

00:15:15.880 as as keitel as opposed to good yeah is it bad as opposed to good what movie oh i know what that

00:15:22.920 is uh um um william wallace that's correct the movie william what no it's uh what is the movie

00:15:32.540 nick do you know it william jennings bryant is it unusual suspects uh no harvey keitel was not in

00:15:37.860 that oh word it was reservoir dogs where tim roth is shot and then uh steve buscemi goes holy shit is 0.64

00:15:42.900 it bad as opposed to good oh it's hilarious i don't know that many movies like i'm trying to

00:15:47.600 think some of my favorite movies are dream team have you seen that maybe uh what is it it's about

00:15:53.780 um alan klein no what's that guy's name michael keaton gets in a mental health facility and then

00:16:00.960 they get out one day they get like a leave of absence i remember that is uh they steal a van

00:16:05.300 christopher lloyd's in it yeah i was gonna say it's christopher i do remember that that movie was good

00:16:10.000 man michael keaton he uh he did a movie called i think it was called life or my life and when

00:16:17.360 the script came out i was like 24 i obviously was gonna read for his part but they're like this is

00:16:23.160 michael keaton's oscar like and the script it was it's when he finds out he's dying and he keeps making

00:16:27.980 videos for his wife nicole kid was pregnant and he keeps making videos for the kid and it was uh and

00:16:33.720 the movie's great and they just like we don't give a fuck was it heartbreaking and beautiful

00:16:38.660 yeah it was great but sometimes people don't get nominated like robert duvall every time he opens

00:16:43.320 his mouth you're like he didn't get nominated for get low yeah time to get low yeah like keitel and 0.99

00:16:49.420 a bad lieutenant like he calls jesus a rat fuck and a hallucination naked and then jacks off on like 1.00

00:16:56.660 some girl's car that he pulls over like you know you got a tail light out you have a suckuck 1.00

00:17:00.240 she's like what hey don't talk back to me i'll bring you in okay it's like what do you got to get 0.98

00:17:05.780 nominated around here wow he's punching his clown in traffic i don't know if it matters i think it's

00:17:10.540 yeah i think it's just you know they got these upper echelons out here and you got to get in

00:17:14.500 you know you got to be pulling on somebody's you got to be pulling on the right skirt out here 0.94

00:17:18.980 there's some people get nominated that we don't even know who they are i don't think first of all

00:17:22.740 you have to nominate yourself you know like do you really because i was like how come i never been

00:17:26.320 nominated for uh like an emmy and i was on ghost whisperer did you feel like you had a role that

00:17:32.060 was deserving of nomination action this action absolutely i thought that was one of the best

00:17:38.120 shows of all time and it's not like look at me look at me it's what i got to say was so

00:17:43.380 astound and now like prescient it was all like weinstein stuff like salma hayek just slaps me in the 0.99

00:17:49.580 face 40 times one episode i'm like you don't remember when i came to town you put your penis 0.99

00:17:53.640 in a box and wanted to play puppet show i'm like no that's a medical kit bang bang and uh 0.99

00:17:59.420 like that show is great but you have to nominate yourself you have to you have to send money

00:18:03.440 with your packet and then they tell you if you got nominated or not and it's like

00:18:08.420 so that means kelsey grammar has been nominated in like 12 times and he did it every time you just 0.53

00:18:13.380 keep fucking like how much packets in bro relax like we see you you're kelsey grammar 0.98

00:18:18.340 relax yeah back off julia louis dreyfus okay yeah i mean i guess but i guess at a certain point 0.98

00:18:26.680 if you're in that hollywood i'm glad we're on the show today so we can air this out finally

00:18:29.700 that's part of it the uh that's part of it like i got a grammy nomination but i had to uh put it in 0.99

00:18:38.100 myself for my for comedy album like you have to get a publicist team and you got to go fuck it 0.96

00:18:43.560 they only make like what 200 albums a year or they make 200 albums a year there's no way right i'm i'm 0.99

00:18:50.040 an optimist and i'm like well there's only 200 and i gotta think 100 of those are just bullshit 0.55

00:18:55.140 yeah so how many people are actually cobbling together the resources to go check this out yeah 0.88

00:19:00.880 and they only pick five and it was the year i got nominated was louis ck george lopez lisa lampanelli

00:19:07.420 craig fergus it was like if i lose great because they're all great lisa lampanelli was on my podcast

00:19:14.980 more stories and she was nominated before and she lost a flight of the concords and she goes those 1.00

00:19:19.680 motherfucking she goes that album 16 minutes long those those crispy kiwi fucks they're so stupid 1.00

00:19:26.220 and dry i go if i lost a flight of the concords i'd be tipping tables over yeah motherfucking 1.00

00:19:31.400 like what you spend three years making a good album and they got a song parody like that's why 0.97

00:19:37.200 we don't bathe you're like yeah great i just made that's not their song by the way and if it is they

00:19:41.700 can have it do you uh i'm getting i'm gonna get back to this erectile dysfunction thing man because 0.96

00:19:46.760 i've you know i've certainly i've struggled in some some of that dick work sometimes for me 0.90

00:19:51.800 there's two ways i think you get it and that's uh well three ways mental self-sabotage like getting

00:19:58.460 up in your own head drugs or um being abused so which one was it for you i realized i just turned

00:20:05.880 the tables on you no it's okay uh you know i like thinking about this stuff because i just like 1.00

00:20:09.660 thinking about your dick well breaks up lovely i heard did you use it well you took a cialis at the 0.99

00:20:14.920 comedy store oh i just took it to feel good man because your legs get sweaty that's not feel 1.00

00:20:18.940 good that's my penis also gets kind of like my penis seemed like it just ate something you know 1.00

00:20:23.320 like it just ate like thanksgiving or something you know then you go home and you like jerk off to 1.00

00:20:27.180 like porn no i'll lay sometimes i just lay there on my hard dick man and just feel like a champ 1.00

00:20:31.500 yeah it's like princess in the pea kind of i like that reference you know it's weird when i watch 0.99

00:20:36.360 porn hub or whatever not sponsored i didn't watch any last night i'm like eight days what's that like 0.99

00:20:41.040 oh yeah they don't yell fuck me step daddy they leave the step out thank thankfully well it's 0.97

00:20:47.940 almost i think father's day should become stepfather's day it's almost at that point i feel 0.93

00:20:51.740 like where the stepfathers don't get any credit and i've always thought that have you ever been a

00:20:56.340 stepfather no but my uh oldest boy he's 15 he's got a stepdad who's tremendous really absolutely

00:21:02.980 fucking tremendous but now at first were you nervous about like when that stepdad kind of shows up 0.80

00:21:07.600 did you feel like like the first time you're gonna go meet the guy did you put on like a special 0.97

00:21:11.260 shirt or anything like that i put on yeah my comedy i got gabriel iglesias is a hawaiian shirt

00:21:16.360 and i just laughed at all my at uh no what's up gabe i uh you know what honestly his mom being a 0.99

00:21:24.720 single mom i i knew i didn't know him but there's just the signal and the noise and i just sort of knew

00:21:32.120 it was a steadying thing and i have a book called no wonder my parents drank and there's a whole chapter

00:21:37.240 about the step parents like the number one whammy you can throw at a kid and it's it's either the 0.99

00:21:41.880 pant the band-aid the panacea the bridge or it's the reason you fucking strip like man like that's 1.00

00:21:49.060 it there's only a couple options like clean your fucking room get your shit together asshole you're 1.00

00:21:53.860 like i'm 16 who the fuck is this guy that i hear having sex with my mom like i'm gonna kill him 1.00

00:21:59.040 and then there's guys that are just steady and great and that's what this guy was and he is and 0.99

00:22:04.180 he's beautiful yeah like my son's a lot of my son's great qualities are because of this guy 0.90

00:22:11.040 and that's you gotta you gotta swallow a lot of fucking pride and self to go this guy this guy did 0.93

00:22:18.380 some hard wiring inside this uh this laptop and he did a good job does it make you feel like that that 0.99

00:22:24.720 was something you should have done like is there moments where you're like man this or you're just

00:22:28.620 grateful you just find just gratitude like i'm glad it's a good question specific to the situation

00:22:34.300 because i retreat well i get under the porch real quick man and uh i had split custody with his mom

00:22:40.980 it was uh and every time he was with me it's just like when do i go back to my mom when do i go back

00:22:45.560 to my mom and i saw a therapist about it she goes you're battling an umbilical cord you got to give

00:22:49.940 this up like you're battling and he was a parasite she was a host yeah this goes back this is

00:22:56.300 intergalactic you're fighting the universe that's pearl oyster you can't you can't battle that

00:22:59.840 correct and um one day he got off the bus and it was like the second day i had him

00:23:04.840 and he goes uh when do i go to my mom's i said i could take you right now and he goes okay like

00:23:09.780 real excited and then then he like reeled it in and goes i mean i but he already let it out and i

00:23:14.360 drove him to his mom's and i said uh if you miss me call me okay but it wasn't that kind as i'm

00:23:19.300 saying now yeah and uh i let a year go by damn uh because i was like and that's you know i'm an

00:23:27.160 alcohol i'm in and i'm in a lot of a's a a n a a hole yeah i'm in there and it's like my alcoholic 0.56

00:23:33.820 brain was let's see how they do without me and they did just fine without me which is crippling if

00:23:40.380 you let it cave in on you so after about a year i saw him and it was entirely too long and that's

00:23:47.040 you know essentially like i lost a kid because i lost a kid when you saw him that first time after

00:23:51.800 that year like what was that moment like that had to be pretty heavy well i was in an abusive marriage

00:23:56.580 i'm picking up your accent right i was in an abusive marriage just a little bit that i did 0.85

00:24:00.940 i'm from now i'm brian snipes from natchito i'm greatest fucking corner in the league man 0.98

00:24:05.460 you know i i went to alabama i thought i was gonna go to lsu but they sent special teams coach 0.95

00:24:10.580 to my house man i look like a fucking gunner to you man i'm brian snipes 18 that's what's up 0.99

00:24:17.020 nigga i went to alabama you know why nick saban came up that dirt driveway it was 104 degrees you 1.00

00:24:23.120 don't like it as hot as a motherfucking man and we watching tape my grandmama go would you like 1.00

00:24:27.620 some sweet tea coach and he said no thank you i said oh shit man i strike two man you don't turn 0.99

00:24:32.380 out no sweet tea man you know what i'm saying you from there and then check it out dude we watching 0.99

00:24:37.380 tape with me and i fucked this dude up man he catched the ball separated the nigga from his shoes 1.00

00:24:41.520 take the ball to the house he started fanning himself he go i think i will have some of that 0.99

00:24:46.540 sweet tea i said shit give this dude an oscar man so i had to go to alabama just out of respect for 1.00

00:24:52.020 that game man out of respect shit but i don't play special teams ain't that a bitch i don't kick 1.00

00:24:58.140 i ain't no kicker man i ain't no special shoes s-h-e-a-u-x dude not a lot of letters in some of 1.00

00:25:07.240 the neighborhoods down there nah y'all need them man it said like dude we had a black kid in my town

00:25:11.640 that boy right there coincidence was his name right and it was spelled though like the word

00:25:17.900 c-o-i-n-c-i-n-d-n-c-e i think i'll take your word for it yeah and i was like oh quit co-it and he's 0.86

00:25:24.600 like no no coincidence and i was like well everybody we all lose here no we all win i mean we all win

00:25:32.820 but it was wild man i don't think we had a girl named kizzy laurent at my school used to beat the

00:25:37.480 fuck out of every dude right and she was this tough girl and you know she that's white girl 1.00

00:25:42.240 uh-uh uh nuh-uh and creole um no straight up i think 100 black and she used to i mean she would 1.00

00:25:50.360 beat any dude up and then now though years later she has like her son is like uh he he's um like

00:25:57.480 one of the top running backs in the whole country he's a tough kid and he seemed like a sweet school

00:26:01.000 covington high school down there in covington louisiana man why do you think you got oh i don't

00:26:06.140 want to flip it on you again so i was in a so no i want to notice about that because that that kind 0.99

00:26:10.740 of got me like i'm imagining like you keep rubbing your penis uh that's because hey these pants are 0.99

00:26:15.140 tight and i'm probably nervous dude why are you nervous two friends hanging out talking you know 1.00

00:26:19.360 i'm not nervous like that i'm nervous like staring at your dick i think just being in a room with two 0.99

00:26:23.640 men that this that that that's the of this size of it out that's the size of a room and being in a 0.99

00:26:28.920 room with two men you must be great on auditions you know i'm not good at all yeah oh yeah

00:26:33.940 they're in like dude i get so fucking nervous man i can't even you ever read david mamet true 0.98

00:26:38.840 and false uh-uh you need to it's gonna i would never say that unless you needed to when you go

00:26:44.080 into he wrote glengarry glenross speed the plow and a spanish person everybody but he goes uh he

00:26:51.520 writes when you walk into an audition you you must know you're everyone in the room is your moral

00:26:56.480 and intellectual inferior because at some time they had the bravery to do what you're doing and they 0.95

00:27:01.700 took the desk say the lines as best you can and next time say them better wow i was like damn

00:27:07.320 where were you the first 500 auditions david mamet that's robert e lee stuff right there

00:27:12.380 well i'd like to keep it north of the mason dixon line i just go with the winner 0.96

00:27:15.800 yeah i'm all about the eggles right now yeah are you really well i'm not gonna back a loser like 1.00

00:27:21.100 patriot bill belichick sourpuss man yeah i have to stop doing a stupid accent it's insulting to you 0.99

00:27:25.760 when you're brood oh i don't think it's bad man i mean i had a dude in my neighborhood um 0.99

00:27:30.200 i just feel like the listeners are like how do you have erectile dysfunction go back go back go back

00:27:35.500 go back abusive marriage well look man i mean he will then get back to the question then here's the

00:27:41.160 thing the person that i was in the marriage with would never i mean under penalty of perjury and truth

00:27:45.920 serum in their veins would never think that they were abusive right it's uh like a passive narcissism

00:27:50.920 words but do you okay so the so you can't but after a while you realize you can't there's nothing

00:27:55.660 you can do about that right i'm sure you tried yeah i i well i realized it early that i couldn't

00:28:01.180 do anything about it and accountability that's what really makes me crazy it's a big trigger for me

00:28:05.860 like in recovery like right people aren't accountable because my program is all about

00:28:10.380 accountability and what i did even you know when i was going through my resentments my sponsor said

00:28:15.540 like but how are you self-seeking how are you so how are you selfish while you held this resentment

00:28:20.140 for somebody that didn't show up to marriage and i was like i wasn't he goes that's impossible i'm

00:28:24.340 like no you weren't there like yeah and i'm telling you now to your face i wasn't like i ran myself

00:28:30.500 inside out because but if you knew if you knew that she wasn't going to be able to meet you at this

00:28:38.600 place you wanted her to meet you at and you kept trying then what you know not to like but because i

00:28:46.300 could see myself doing that i had a girlfriend like that what's the question though i like this question

00:28:49.640 don't don't be afraid okay then if you knew that she couldn't meet you there and you kept trying

00:28:55.420 but you knew you knew in that place in your brain that knows it all and is probably right that you

00:29:02.400 knew she couldn't meet you there then at that point isn't it there's something just kind of

00:29:08.640 ill or sick about continuing to hope that she can yeah there is but i think overriding that is

00:29:18.380 i took vows man i take those vows seriously right till death do us part and i waited for

00:29:26.220 me to able to be able to identify there has been a death here death do us part right what we knew

00:29:33.740 died and i discovered the well beneath the well inside of me because i people go like hey you

00:29:40.760 leave no stone unturned i'm like there's no more stones man i ground them to dust they're gone there's

00:29:45.480 no stones i got you gotta try everything you know it's a bit like i know there's three years where

00:29:50.740 every time you go to the bathroom you're like this is impossible yeah but it ain't because you're living

00:29:54.760 it and you like physically you get sick like mentally and then you file for divorce i filed

00:30:01.500 for divorce and i don't want to get too into it out of privacy for her and yeah because i love her i

00:30:07.040 do love her very the opposite of love isn't hate it's indifference i'm nowhere near indifferent to

00:30:12.620 like any ex i've ever had because i go all in i think we're a lot alike like you love all the way

00:30:18.540 but then you hurt all the way and people in this world are very afraid they like to swim with their

00:30:23.160 hand on the side of the pool and then when shit doesn't work out they're like see that deep told

00:30:27.120 you told you it's too deep out there but they don't ever love like you love i i don't know i 0.94

00:30:31.760 think i'm in between because you say that hand on the side of the pool thing you wouldn't be an

00:30:35.140 addict if you knew the side of the pool you you you only live in liminal space and deep water that's

00:30:40.200 your you're a great white shark man you you couldn't be an addict if you got your hand on the side of 1.00

00:30:44.380 the pool yeah you know break your fucking daryl's strawberry story yeah doing blowing you know 1.00

00:30:50.040 fucking brave you got to be to just have that night and just go fuck it fuck it there's like 1.00

00:30:54.280 18 fuck it's that put you further into the dragon's lair and all this fucking love in it man that's 1.00

00:31:00.000 right miss and that's where you get that love is in the deep water healthy or unhealthy when you're 1.00

00:31:05.200 having sex and you make that connection that's so goddamn deep yeah that's the connection that 0.99

00:31:10.860 ain't that's not the greatest pussy you ever had that's the greatest pussy combined with somebody 1.00

00:31:15.220 looking you in your eye and saying like fuck me daddy and they're like not incestuous yeah like 1.00

00:31:21.060 you will protect me you have the answers i won't eat till you fucking get home wow like that's deep 1.00

00:31:26.640 shit like that's deep water that's a brave woman or like when you hurt you hurt all the way like i've 1.00

00:31:32.420 i've had depression where i didn't get out of bed i pissed my own bed my dog shit in my bed 1.00

00:31:35.900 i didn't give a fuck that's good but then my phone vibrated it was one of the coaches i you know i 0.99

00:31:41.140 assistant coach wrestling and the coach at a previous school goes i need you to start practice 0.99

00:31:45.100 today and i'm like all right bang out of bed it saved me so the erectile dysfunction was for me 0.99

00:31:51.960 when you're married to somebody that's uber sexual and a fucking bardo knockout no one's hotter on earth 1.00

00:32:00.000 period to this day like that lady had it all for you if i'm watching porn i jack off i want if my 1.00

00:32:05.080 mind mind wanders and i think about her i'm like oh god my buddy used to jerk off then mail it to his 0.99

00:32:10.980 ex-wife for like a year and a half i respect that what would he put it on like a slide so she could 1.00

00:32:14.980 look at under a microscope no he just put it on some paper and but then she just gets paper but

00:32:20.000 she knows though that's one of my favorite but she knows well you start to know at a certain point the

00:32:25.080 first time you get it i think you could think it's snot or something or somebody you know had a snail

00:32:28.840 in there and then they took it out but then that second or third time you're like this is is he down in

00:32:33.180 like louisiana like in that mailbox in the heat oh i can't imagine it up like the ad for the sea

00:32:39.320 monkeys come out the kids on a bike there's a guy wearing a crown but you said like she knows

00:32:44.280 you said it like louisiana style like the same sentence in jersey she knows she knows she knows

00:32:49.360 she knows so you know they're very similar a lot of times people will say a louisiana accent if you

00:32:54.100 have like a real strong you know like where yet you know that stuff that it sounds like new jersey a

00:32:59.460 lot of times i don't believe you've ever heard that in your life yeah a bunch of times people be

00:33:04.000 like you from new jersey i think maybe those people uh stand too close to the oven or yeah those people

00:33:09.060 might be bad off look i know i may not be the tallest hyena at the world atlas

00:33:13.440 i got obsessed last night because i'm one of your stand-up things i was watching you said i'm not

00:33:19.020 the brightest bull in the bowl drawer oh yeah and i realized that i looked at my girlfriend i go 0.89

00:33:25.700 that's what i want to do with theo because you can literally do anything make no sense but no matter

00:33:31.640 what it is the person knows exactly what you're saying yeah i'm not the softest couch on the fishing

00:33:38.020 rod but you know like literally anything works yeah dude i'm not i'm yeah i'm not the most crippled 0.84

00:33:44.720 guy at the fucking at the carnival it's hard to uh it's hard to actually come up with nonsense it is 0.94

00:33:50.640 like reggie watts you watch and you're like oh wow that's all he does is talk nonsense like try to 0.99

00:33:55.300 talk nonsense you i you get the sentence three a million dollar you run short harlan williams does

00:34:00.320 it extremely well man well yes but he has the luxury of doing it again yeah and again like let's go

00:34:06.480 watch peggy surf put a kayak in the toilet upside down and go for a ride i got a pet squirrel on my

00:34:11.980 head with shampoo bottles you know it's that's his bag yeah as anytime he texts he's like okay

00:34:18.060 benedict arnold you know how you been buddy i'm okay i had a paper bag on my head at the gas station 0.87

00:34:26.420 but it turns out it was gout yeah i fucking love you harlan so am i married he is a joyous guy yeah 0.77

00:34:33.260 so you had the marriage so you got the marriage man i love this kind of stuff because i'm afraid 0.96

00:34:37.180 to get into afraid period is no that doesn't serve you at all yeah afraid like you're a comic you're

00:34:43.120 one of the best comics i've seen in my life yeah thanks man ever i've been doing it 31 years

00:34:48.320 no you are good and you gotta you gotta let the good and you gotta realize that you're

00:34:52.060 upper one percent period that's not subjective yeah nick will tell you that he probably don't even

00:34:56.340 like you and nick's our producer here today nick they don't know who nick is your audience you

00:35:01.620 don't have that transparent first time we've ever had nick oh that explains a lot this is a big first

00:35:07.220 day a lot of kids in the hall this is a big first man how many kids do you have out there nick it's

00:35:11.940 a strong like bull there's like 14 little kids out there they all yours i don't know who those

00:35:16.240 little children are but i think about adopting them thanks for playing along have you ever have you 0.96

00:35:20.480 ever ejaculated inside of a woman in hopes to get her pregnant just out of spite uh no hold on 0.93

00:35:26.160 don't answer that objection you added out of spite as he started going with his answer so if he wanted 0.94

00:35:32.320 to make a baby i know what you're doing and i want that withdrawn yeah okay to be a lawyer is great

00:35:38.080 you'd be like and that's why you gave her aids object withdrawn like then withdrawn don't worry about 0.98

00:35:42.900 it have you ever ejaculated inside of a woman in the hopes of giving two questions okay in the hopes of 1.00

00:35:47.640 getting her pregnant i have not how old are you i'm 30 you still can have you ever ejaculated into 0.99

00:35:55.360 a man's butt i have to get him pregnant i have not out of spite yeah that's taking the long way home 1.00

00:36:01.500 too if you're trying to do that man great tune i'm not coming in some guy's butt dude i'm not coming 0.99

00:36:07.260 in some guy's butt ever i don't think you know why not then you get why have the evidence 0.89

00:36:11.420 that's a good point why like instead i want to have something to mail home to my wife 0.98

00:36:17.540 i was gonna say instead you gotta get paper towels and wipe it off his stomach

00:36:20.140 that's that's true man oh i mean that's crazy put the mail in the mailbox don't you yeah 0.99

00:36:25.480 we are sick bastards um so take me back there man was take me back there when somebody maybe 1.00

00:36:34.060 doesn't feel well you don't come home and go i'm gonna fuck this sad out of her like yeah it's not 1.00

00:36:39.140 a sexy situation no no no and then when somebody was sexually active and you met this person and 0.99

00:36:44.080 then you sort of see them fade from the photograph it's uh it's heartbreaking and it's weird and then

00:36:50.120 you just don't feel then i said this like my when i do stand up i just there's not like an overshare

00:36:57.720 like there's no such fucking thing no you cruise if you're if you're a comic your job is to say 0.96

00:37:02.920 things that have can't possibly have been said ever before yeah you're like a car that has as much 0.99

00:37:08.500 gas as it wants and doesn't know any of the rules of the road i feel like me like you cruise yeah but

00:37:13.500 you gotta know the rules for before you break right but yeah i mean you know that yes you know all the

00:37:18.100 rules i mean you know the book you know the rule book every day i write the book yeah but when you're

00:37:22.400 out there you're doing your thing but so tell me this so i keep trying to when you get there

00:37:27.260 so you have a year where you don't see your son when you get we were just talking about boners

00:37:32.020 well he's i can wrap this up for you real quick yeah so when somebody maybe is depressed

00:37:38.680 though you think yourself the only thing that would make this situation worse

00:37:42.060 is if i lost my there it goes oh yeah and then what's the point of doing it if that's going to

00:37:48.140 happen if it could happen then you just get all up in your head well what excuse do you go with 0.83

00:37:52.160 because i've been there man where you i didn't have sex you got that beautiful lady there she's 1.00

00:37:55.740 been having sex for like two years yeah and my excuse about girls that like maybe that i would 1.00

00:38:00.280 date was i was in a i was in a really messed up situation this doesn't really work if it works

00:38:06.540 good on you yeah and they all say the same thing well you never met with me i'm like okay sure yeah

00:38:14.140 and uh i'm already up in my head because i led with it but last night the cialis helped you out 0.99

00:38:20.840 gave you that hitter boy i haven't had sex that long since i was fucking tony gwynn boy 0.99

00:38:26.300 yeah same gut yeah no yeah it was a line drive that was that was all line drive the whole way 0.99

00:38:33.940 yeah he's a hitter man yeah i'm trying to think like if i could get a base it was a ricky henderson's

00:38:39.140 like wall on a fly like that's that like that frozen rope thick ass thighs and that gator dive 1.00

00:38:45.920 in a second dude he would die i remember him he hit a home run one time and he dove in a second

00:38:51.680 he's my favorite player of all time really ever i saw him one time i think in the airport it was him

00:38:57.060 or barry sanders oh my it was barry katz you think i'm ricky henderson man ricky henderson's the

00:39:07.420 all-time stolen base i'm a blonde jew that looks like dirt nabitsky good god man ricky henderson uh 0.62

00:39:14.660 always speaks in the first person you know oh he really his name is ricky nelson henny

00:39:21.680 henderson and he's born in the back of a cadillac yeah and his mom loved ricky nelson i got to 0.81

00:39:26.800 interview him once and he uh and i just got like the weirdest shit about him i could gather because 0.96

00:39:31.840 i'm like everybody just threw all like baseball shit at him right yeah i'm like so man your mom must 0.95

00:39:36.040 love ricky nelson he goes my mama love ricky nelson that you know that's why my name is ricky 0.87

00:39:39.560 i'm like no i know no i didn't say that i'm like really i go you're so fast like you must have been

00:39:45.720 born in the back of a car i was he goes i was born in the back of a cadillac no yeah uh no more garcia

00:39:51.860 parra told me when he was on the red socks ricky leads up the game with a double and he's standing on

00:39:56.200 second base shaking the dirt out of his belt and the back says you know garcia parra with two r's two p's

00:40:01.300 two r's and he goes yeah number five number five and he turns around he's shaking the dirt out of

00:40:08.140 his belt and he does eyebrows like it's sexy he goes ricky hit a double and when he got on the bus

00:40:13.600 once it was full and mike stanley goes make one of these young guys move you got tenure and he goes 0.94

00:40:19.200 mike stanley i got 18 you all true he's fucking legit like the person that was there told him to me 0.93

00:40:25.620 so my boners work now yeah thanks to a little orange pill called tick i actually just take 0.94

00:40:31.260 tic tacs do you yeah i like to uh show myself placebos that treat i go you know what i'm gonna

00:40:37.260 take a i'm gonna take a viagra and then i just take a blueberry out of my refrigerator like pop i 1.00

00:40:42.380 mind fuck myself why do you have erectile dysfunction for me it's some of the pornography 0.99

00:40:46.820 you know i used to do steroids when i was younger and sometimes i think it could be some backlash from 1.00

00:40:50.820 that no but um i mean it could be but no no way but then i go into the fact that i think that

00:40:57.440 pornography there's a lot of guys in steroids that are fucking right now yeah yeah but i'm not one of 0.99

00:41:02.820 those guys that's a problem are you a sex and love addict because pornography is in there right that's 0.99

00:41:06.500 progressive addiction that's weird i think you got progressive to the point where like i need to 0.98

00:41:10.600 really take some time i have an extended period of time away from it so i can let my imagination work

00:41:16.840 again in a comfortable way interesting because i i have similar situations when i was married i never

00:41:21.620 looked at it never cheated i didn't like jack off because like what if that's a night like she shows

00:41:25.420 interest in me right i'm like oh i got diarrhea i can't for the yeah so oh yeah you can't have

00:41:29.940 diarrhea forever i had diarrhea for forever i had all kinds of stuff so i didn't look crazy disease 0.98

00:41:34.340 nothing and then when i got divorced i'm like oh my cuckold what the fuck this is amazing oh it's not 1.00

00:41:42.300 because she's a whore it's because he idolizes her why shouldn't she have this bull it's so dark 1.00

00:41:47.580 though is it at a certain point i feel like yeah it becomes very because i realized i was at a step 1.00

00:41:52.820 meeting once and talking about addiction versus progression progressive addiction like gambling

00:41:57.660 yeah is a progressive addiction it's not like we're allergic to alcohol and the allergy starts

00:42:02.800 before we take it right like if you're allergic to fruit if you're allergic to like a fig you eat a 0.97

00:42:07.720 fig and your fucking throat closes your eyes shut you puke done with figs yeah the end no more figs 0.99

00:42:13.920 alcoholics we're allergic to alcoholics and we're like where the fuck who opened that what is that 1.00

00:42:17.980 right what is that where is that why we need any glasses just give me the fucking bottle hurry up 1.00

00:42:21.560 i let me start puking we're like let's get more into this yeah like we're idiots well for me it was 0.99

00:42:25.700 always the next thing it was like uh well my my thing really was just i wanted to have a little 0.98

00:42:29.760 bit of cocaine you know in my system has anybody ever had a little bit of cocaine no do i sound like

00:42:35.560 noah mcdonald is i am i too self-conscious like i feel like ever my case has anybody ever really

00:42:40.660 had well i don't think these words have even these walls haven't even had a lot of words i've only

00:42:44.240 been in the studio for like a month a little bit of cocaine yeah that's so true dude i got a good

00:42:48.860 noah mcdonald story so i'd like to hear you know i was probably there you know they say uh guys on

00:42:55.440 steroids the side effect has increased libido but you said uh maybe i did steroids as a kid i thought

00:43:02.640 like a five-year-old guy with a tricep bar in the front yard they're doing uh exercises for that

00:43:08.260 big black lady that beat up all the guys i don't know that's kizzy laurent yeah you can name her 1.00

00:43:14.220 whatever you want but i'm an old chunk of gold from ontario i call her trouble i just call her trouble 0.98

00:43:19.660 kizzy that's awesome man kizzy yeah that's either so southern and black or so northeast and jewish

00:43:27.460 yeah i gotta grab my kizzy hello darling it's kizzy how are you um so pornography became such a 0.99

00:43:35.440 problem you become desensitized i basically became desensitized i think and also your dick does because 1.00

00:43:40.580 you just keep fucking rubbing it well dude i was looking at these magical ones you know i was looking 1.00

00:43:45.340 at a lot of these magical bitches on the internet and i was just turned out by it you know and next 1.00

00:43:50.260 thing you know they got all these ladies and i would be nervous most of the time also i would be i would 1.00

00:43:55.020 masturbate and have anxiety at the same time because you see these ladies you know when they're 0.95

00:43:59.320 some of them are like whole like are you talking about live ladies and no no i'm talking about on

00:44:04.460 the internet you had anxiety looking at a make-believe person who because i would worry yeah is out of

00:44:09.840 the business a couple years yeah filming a scene you know i worry about their health a lot of times 0.98

00:44:14.460 you got these you're fucked up like that to me is like where you're over the line like where you're 1.00

00:44:19.040 like i hope she's okay yeah really that's like john wayne gacy shit like i kill i kill these kids 1.00

00:44:25.300 because i love i love these you've checked my crawl space those kids they were inoculated yeah 0.99

00:44:31.920 they all got haircuts it's crew once we hit june it's just crew cuts every two weeks man

00:44:37.840 i care for these kids that's what they're saying to catch kids are well fed that's what they're saying 1.00

00:44:43.320 to catch a predator like i'm here to save his life not one guy goes i'm here to fuck him are you 1.00

00:44:48.100 dad is this cool cameras did i hit the fetish jackpot cops oh my oh good good good good jizz 1.00

00:44:54.500 jizz jizz jizz i'm here to fuck him man that's crazy man what kind of porn did you watch nothing 1.00

00:45:02.600 real drastic i didn't think but no i mean if your dick is desensitized to the friction from your hand 1.00

00:45:07.620 oh most of the stuff i was watching was probably you know adult all adult and then hold on hold on 0.99

00:45:12.980 let's just put a pin in this for a second and maybe take that part out

00:45:17.880 no i wasn't watching anything perverse man you're mostly adult all adult he said mostly i thought i

00:45:27.020 said all but even still like the fact that you quantify that you're watching people 18 and up 0.97

00:45:31.500 fuck is little you might want 18 and up i believe you every time i saw somebody that even looked a 0.92

00:45:37.280 little bit young dude i would shut it down and i would then i would uh what was nick gonna say just 0.99

00:45:41.940 there i just think uh theo likes to avoid speaking in absolute so he said mostly at first but he 1.00

00:45:47.300 quickly corrected himself he just told me all gay guys are assholes earlier 90 you are what you eat 0.99

00:45:52.560 you know what i'm better than that i'm sorry yeah that's all right it's still good though it's just 0.99

00:45:57.800 for me a second um but so yeah my thing was that i would watch these women some of them are holding 1.00

00:46:03.480 their butts open and stuff and i would be worried that people are going to get sick you know people

00:46:07.300 are going to catch colds that was one of my biggest things i remember well they don't want you to have

00:46:11.060 a draft you know as a kid yeah don't uh don't sleep near that window there's a breeze coming through 0.99

00:46:17.000 there you know but if you hold open your asshole oh there's going to be quite a breeze yeah that's 0.99

00:46:22.280 draft you catch a cold you may catch your death i don't know that's a windy city man or maybe you get 0.99

00:46:29.060 aids from all the uh cocks in there i don't want to get aids again and then i would start yeah i 0.95

00:46:34.560 would start researching if people had aids and stuff and then it would get just i just i don't

00:46:39.700 know i just was concerned about the health of them are you single married girlfriend i'm dating a girl

00:46:44.460 and i am um not married i've never been married when i was married i didn't cheat and um because you

00:46:51.520 don't you cheat once you that's it you know it's not like you work it off your record yeah like now

00:46:56.420 it's a misdemeanor now it's gone because i had somebody write a letter for me like but then once 0.95

00:47:00.620 i discovered pornography when i was single yeah i was like holy shit there's a whole new world and 0.71

00:47:06.200 my friend then i go out like i went to go on a couple dates and he's like you gotta wear condoms 0.51

00:47:10.080 i'm like why were you wearing condoms back then no this i'm talking this is like this year okay 0.96

00:47:15.540 i'm like con like who where do you think i'm going yeah like condoms like i'm not fucking in you 0.99

00:47:20.920 know i know but you never know it's like yeah but i'm not gonna be presumptuous and like dr drew 0.83

00:47:26.860 would go that's the most irresponsible take ever and i love dr drew but it's like i'm like what am

00:47:33.420 i gonna get like if i get like sit was like somebody a syphilis like i'm gonna sit with some 0.84

00:47:37.880 i'm we're comics we're pretty good we can read a room for our jobs so one-on-one it's like fish in a

00:47:44.580 barrel yeah so if you're sitting across from someone lady and she's like using the salad tongs to 1.00

00:47:49.000 scratch your fucking box during dinner you're like yeah it's a red flag yeah that's bread crumbs 0.99

00:47:53.140 bro but we also do uh like that's crouton country that's croutons we also uh talk ourselves out of 1.00

00:47:59.600 it like she can't have anything her dad's a dentist yeah she's from minnesota she's clean bro yeah her

00:48:04.940 dad's a doctor he's a chiropractor exactly come on what'd she have she has a neck brace with autographs 1.00

00:48:09.900 on it obviously she follows poison around the country and watches okay she told me she fucked 1.00

00:48:15.640 do you think this do you think sebastian bach has ever fucked a woman in a neck brace honestly yes 0.99

00:48:21.280 i don't i all right ready yeah excuse me i was in saturday night live and i'm at a bar downtown 0.98

00:48:29.220 with a like a penthouse pet like in new york city yeah you know there's something about new york city

00:48:35.440 i can't quite put my finger on it the name itself yeah it's too much why is that i think it just

00:48:41.700 would be new york but it's new york city new york yeah it's too much i thought i was gonna softball

00:48:46.640 you're a bit really that's what i was trying to do oh yeah about that name i just ding batting cage

00:48:53.600 aluminum bat ding ding new york city new york yeah it's too much it's too much it's a double entendre

00:49:00.660 yeah both ways yeah and a bit of a palindrome yeah i think it it anyway no it's not actually

00:49:08.480 it's onomatopoeia country i think all of a sudden i think onomatopoeia that was kizzy's real name

00:49:13.320 but it was actually spelt onomatopoeia fuck i love callbacks uh so i'm downtown in this bar with like 0.92

00:49:20.600 this rocket ship standing next to me like just it was nuts and sebastian bach goes hey man and we're 0.94

00:49:27.200 both from jersey so like all jersey guys are just like all right yeah he's got the long hair and he's

00:49:31.540 flipping the hair and he goes your girl and my girl tonight i'm like what he's saying foursome he's

00:49:37.540 saying yeah and it's sebastian box i'm like whoa and he's like your girl and my girl tonight

00:49:43.560 like he's actually doing it like that and i look and at the bar is like a nine month pregnant

00:49:49.280 attractive woman holding like a perrier and she's like hey yeah and to this day i don't know how i

00:49:55.780 fucking turn that down oh nine months pregnant i could have just induced labor oh yeah back when 0.99

00:50:01.420 everything was working you're a girl and my girl tonight dude what if you had started that labor 1.00

00:50:06.340 you could be a midwife man i would have been i would have been and she breaks water all over your 1.00

00:50:11.680 taking balls that's gotta feel good see that kind of stuff makes me real nervous why i don't know man 0.98

00:50:17.020 you ever be with a lady that like squirts uh one lady one time did that make you nervous 1.00

00:50:21.560 are you autistic no the first two times it was okay and the third time i just i started getting 0.99

00:50:27.220 nervous man you know well it was like trying to it was like fucking a bomb you know exactly and 1.00

00:50:33.500 that's what i didn't like you like the hurt locker one best picture that's true you fucking love bomb 1.00

00:50:38.320 movies it was like tuck everlasting it was like a couple of scenes from tuck everlasting wow it was too 0.96

00:50:44.720 much you know why i like that particular act because you can't fake it yeah if they're squirting 0.96

00:50:50.020 they're fucking they've lost their fucking mind yeah it's like maybe it's this maybe cool all i know 0.99

00:50:57.560 is this person has left earth and when they come back they're gonna go oh my god your sheets and that 1.00

00:51:02.840 was another thing the cleanup is too much man it's too much that's why i do all my sex in the back of 1.00

00:51:08.220 you all you know black and decker table saw and i do uh circumcisions with a planned weed eater 0.98

00:51:14.560 you know i love normie mcdonald i heard him on a podcast go i hear people imitate me you know 0.90

00:51:21.780 and i'm like i sound fucking retarded i'm like oh no i hope he never thinks i'm mocking i opened up 0.98

00:51:28.840 for normie mcdonald at a casino in uh a cherokee casino in oklahoma this is a while back and we were 0.87

00:51:35.540 playing in a celebrity poker tournament that weekend right and he and uh the next day we're standing

00:51:41.240 around there's a bunch of just not attractive women in this room oklahoma yeah you said it and 1.00

00:51:47.340 yeah he goes he goes mayfield with a twat he goes yeah he goes man there's a lot of hot chicks in 1.00

00:51:53.760 here huh and i'm thinking like john wayne or is that norm that was norman sound like john wayne

00:51:58.960 that was norman mcdonald hold on a second well there's a lot of hot chicks in here huh i love it 1.00

00:52:05.460 and he go and i was like i'm thinking well i'll you know i'll accommodate norm mcdonald you know

00:52:09.600 maybe he's getting older and he doesn't know kind of how hot chicks are or anything anymore so i'll

00:52:13.680 just be like yeah yeah definitely are man a lot of hotties in here you know and he goes 1.00

00:52:17.360 fuck no there aren't that's what he said when i said what the age ah there's not hot chicks 1.00

00:52:23.280 yeah you're fucking water how long ago was this this probably eight years ago norm mcdonald is one of 1.00

00:52:30.320 the most legendary secretive coxman of all time is he really l mcpherson like wow oh yeah like you're 0.99

00:52:38.460 like wait what but then you look at him you go yeah he's like this 1950s handsome man like a movie 0.85

00:52:44.860 star yeah people like no i'm like fucking shut up trust me like you look at the guys at the bluest 0.98

00:52:49.940 eyes he goes nah maybe i don't chunk of coal here but i think you owe daddy an apology yeah so why don't 0.99

00:52:57.200 you just suck your thumb and lay on your back yeah i don't want to you know i don't know what his game 0.98

00:53:01.720 was what's fun do you think that like i hate doing impressions of hypotheticals i only told things 0.99

00:53:07.480 that actually like happened do you do an impression do you start to think about like what do you have

00:53:12.740 to use as we get older to attract women do you start to worry about that kind of stuff no no i gotta

00:53:18.900 trust the compass man yeah a guy there's this fighter i uh work with and he's like let me just

00:53:26.600 ask you something like a black guy no no i said i work with him well i'm just trying to get more

00:53:35.420 racist by being completely ambiguous oh wow no i'm trying to get an idea of who it is like you're

00:53:40.280 not giving me any a guy well the story is about something else yeah what am i like that's what a

00:53:45.640 wife does so there's a fighter i work with in spokane i was in spokane i was at the comedy club it's

00:53:51.020 called spokane comedy club and i always wonder why they didn't like name it name it it was a thursday 0.96

00:53:55.020 but it was crowded for a thursday because as you go across the you're like what's the fucking 0.99

00:53:59.240 you need an editor for your fucking face oh yeah you need an editor in the car with you going nope 0.99

00:54:05.320 cut that part out he didn't give a shit about her french bulldog nope nails hair got it uh-huh blow dry 1.00

00:54:11.000 a blow bar great wait what no it's not keep going keep going we have to be at wendy's two o'clock 0.97

00:54:17.580 on sunday thank you writing it down okay just edit your face a lot of word count some people should

00:54:23.060 be put on a word count me certainly really oh yeah it's awful that's my moat man oh and then

00:54:28.640 on the phone you're definitely chatting man yesterday we talked on the phone and you went

00:54:31.700 on it yeah that's my moat it's a safety mechanism i like if i i keep you out there it's like a jab a

00:54:38.740 stiff arm but if i like you you're in here and then i just want to like bathe you and everything 0.98

00:54:43.280 that's ever given me pleasure like that's johnson and johnson country right there it is it that's in

00:54:47.900 new jersey too by the way is it really no more tears yeah we loved it we used to use it when we're

00:54:52.000 kids dude we used to put it all over each other even when we weren't even in the tub we love johnson

00:54:56.240 and johnson i remember my sister for her birthday wanted just a gallon of johnson and johnson and 1.00

00:55:01.680 we would fucking just wait till our eyes burned and we would put it all over each other we loved it it 0.70

00:55:07.440 was like the nicest thing we had in our house was a can of that or a jar it wasn't a jar it was like a 0.97

00:55:12.380 plastic tall bottle you need like a big can of beans you had the generic can opener and your dad's

00:55:23.040 like y'all need a can opener man just like what look at my keys i'm about to wash everybody's hair 0.99

00:55:28.900 in this motherfucker you're like we loved it i we rubbed it all over each other my sister i'm like 0.99

00:55:34.120 we loved it we love johnson and johnson man and you rubbed it on your sister's body well we rub it all 1.00

00:55:39.720 over each other it was just like a it was a fucking it was just a you were in a cult you know 0.99

00:55:44.700 you're in a cult where kids just rub johnson johnson on each other until they ejaculated and dude i 0.99

00:55:50.180 remember one year my mom for our birth somebody's birthday i guess she didn't have a bunch of money 0.99

00:55:54.980 so she got us all two liter sodas right everybody got their own and dude i remember we had so much

00:56:00.320 fun shaking those things up and just spraying each other she saves all her money oh and you guys 0.98

00:56:05.360 fucking spray but we loved it though it was a fucking eight dollar birthday she was okay she 0.99

00:56:10.260 made us do it outside but i mean we fucking my sister had cherry seven up on her for a month man 1.00

00:56:16.300 and we get it off with the lotion turpentine it's a you can't have the sweet without the stank 0.98

00:56:22.860 dude i grew up in turpentine country do you know that well i do now yeah covington louisiana

00:56:26.900 turpentine was and this is back when time was king you know this is back why was it it was 0.98

00:56:31.440 invented just get pain off of shit well yeah and everybody hates it but it's like you know 0.98

00:56:36.380 who hates it people look down on it you've completely constructed that in your own brain 0.99

00:56:42.520 i think i don't think so nobody if you have pain on your hands where's the turpentine period that's 0.99

00:56:47.160 the thing everybody doesn't everybody's like oh fuck turpentine until you need nobody is like 0.96

00:56:51.180 nobody thinks about turpentine at all right it's a it's a trigger hippie song i know okay well that's 0.99

00:56:56.060 the problem is that nobody's thinking about it well yeah nobody's thinking about baby aspirin until you

00:57:00.660 have a baby and you get a fever i think it mills around the back of your head it does yeah yeah

00:57:05.100 like other liquids mill around back there gasoline you need it milk it'll be you know and through two

00:57:10.360 days i'll need it you know what liquids are milling around in the back of our heads think about it

00:57:14.460 water always and that's a necessity because water's right there inside of us telling us we

00:57:19.340 just up on a shelf looking down like and you know when i'm coming in yeah eggnog's coming around you

00:57:24.740 know yeah grape juice not really as much maybe when you're a child yeah you know it's amazing as you get

00:57:29.740 older you're like this is fucking horrid yeah but when we're a kid grape juice was king man that was 0.96

00:57:34.360 cotton when we were i just remembered a bit that i just have to write down because i was like i gave 0.96

00:57:37.980 my son like uh grape medicine for his cough and i'm like well this might have codeine in it so i

00:57:44.160 should probably drink the whole bottle first just to check it out then i went back in i'm like i

00:57:47.360 spilled it all over and they give me another one then i realized grape for kids in medicine doesn't

00:57:52.640 take like grape it tastes like purple they've mastered what purple tastes like if you eat a grape

00:57:58.120 and have like grape cough medicine like no but like i got a now and later a banana now and later 0.78

00:58:04.140 and that that wafts a fucking banana there's a banana taste in there yeah the grape they just 0.94

00:58:08.540 that's what purple tastes like yeah they want that purple yeah they want that drink they want that 0.99

00:58:14.580 drink man i want my dessert do you think that some you think getting high is better if you're

00:58:21.600 african-american or black is your high better yeah i think it's socio-economic not color yeah i think 0.99

00:58:29.640 if you're broke as fuck i think that high is nice yeah and i think if you're rich it's like i'm high 0.99

00:58:35.560 and it's the same people and i got a view of the ocean this is kind of stupid yeah but i think if 1.00

00:58:39.780 you're broke like think about the highest you've been when you were poor you're like this this is an 0.96

00:58:43.320 alternate reality i'm really dancing at this wedding yeah yeah you can lose yeah yeah because when

00:58:48.580 you're high yeah that's a good point man that's a really good point when you're high and you're poor

00:58:53.320 it takes you out of being poor it's like anything's a possibility for a little while i'm just i gotta

00:58:59.720 get this down that's okay purple uh when you are and when you aren't and when you are rich then you 0.98

00:59:05.800 start to get high you're like fuck i might be missing out on opportunities or something you know i 0.99

00:59:09.820 think when you're rich and you get high you're like what are they fucking talking about over there 1.00

00:59:13.660 yeah about me how to fuck me yeah i'm gonna go over there and cause the scene yeah 0.99

00:59:18.580 but if you're broke it's like look i go to meetings and they're like well i drink because my 0.99

00:59:23.200 fucking my father fingered me in front of my sister and this i'm like i drink because i fucking love 0.99

00:59:29.040 getting fucked up and i keep going because the more fucked up i get and then it crosses terminal 1.00

00:59:34.420 velocity and i go if i keep drinking i'll pass out and it'll be done that's it when i was 14 i had a 0.99

00:59:39.900 rum and coke 13 i had a rum and coke at a wedding and i was like apparently i'm break dancing and 0.97

00:59:44.080 you've been dancing since then and i'm a motherfucking break dancer do you feel like 0.94

00:59:47.680 you're a demon no i work for the lord sir yeah i do indeed i'm a conduit yeah i'm a conduit i'm an 0.99

00:59:54.920 instrument it's a saint francis of a sissy that's that's the prayer i look at and go okay i get it man 0.98

00:59:59.860 i don't do a great job but i'm supposed to be a conduit you are a conduit that's what brought us 0.92

01:00:04.900 together man is god in ruin we're just a fucking rubble of what the what the higher power the the 0.98

01:00:11.520 universe is on the lord's detroit i don't think you're that bad yet because you're on the men 0.99

01:00:17.100 you're more like uh this the river walk in san antonio i'm like what the fuck is going on and 0.91

01:00:22.420 you're like oh look gondolas okay all right yeah they got a plan around charles barkley said all the 1.00

01:00:26.760 women down here are fat don't give a fuck we're up and running there's business yeah pop a bitch still 1.00

01:00:30.640 i like it um we're gonna let's do a couple of calls you want to pipe some in nick we'll talk 1.00

01:00:36.960 about some things i'm about to pee my pants are you how do you say gang gang gang gang boy that's

01:00:41.960 it yeah stand for what's it mean it just means you know that we're going to do this together and 0.98

01:00:46.220 we're not going to be alone you know and it means trill fuck rich people as well usually but what 0.92

01:00:50.760 about you but you got more money than half the people to say gang gang i don't think i do really 0.99

01:00:54.740 there's motherfuckers saying dabbo dabbo sweeney's name is dabbo because there goes dabbo again dabbo 0.97

01:01:00.060 i knew a boy named no dante and his mom this is the best thing i've ever heard his mother i doubt 0.99

01:01:05.680 that by the way i mean you got the white album probably so go ahead but whatever but his mother

01:01:09.920 put she knew he was going to be misbehaving so she put no in the front of his name how great is that

01:01:14.340 i don't know of anything it's it's good no dante it's sad good it's perfect but i don't know

01:01:21.080 society name wise if we'll ever top anfernee yeah yeah anfernee hardaway well there's no that's

01:01:27.220 the only one that i know of but like one of the best too like i'm not sure how anfernee yeah 0.95

01:01:32.960 that's i wish i named my kid anfernee and i'm not joking at all and fucking anfernee 0.99

01:01:37.020 hey max go fuck your max i got an anfernee yeah i got a max nephew and yeah i'll tell you my son's 0.99

01:01:43.280 name is meredith means lord of the sea it's his first name yeah meredith daniel what do y'all call 1.00

01:01:47.420 him death i call meredith daniel i call him meredith and like people mackie when he's like people

01:01:52.520 call him mackie uh and but i'm like no that's that's that's a tight name and i talk about it

01:01:58.300 on stage i'm like if he was a black slot receiver that was a game meredith daniel oh college like 0.99

01:02:03.000 meredith moore like just a hand like a rick fox looking brother like you see this motherfucking 0.99

01:02:06.860 name meredith moore name is meredith that's pussy central motherfucking name is meredith well i feel 1.00

01:02:11.680 like tmi yeah oh sorry let's go back to that moment then so that year you don't see your son 0.98

01:02:19.360 then you see him again call it went uh it was longer than that because we saw each other

01:02:23.740 uh piecemeal and i had to get well first and i went back to a like march 14th last year and i 0.73

01:02:30.360 didn't drink i was just fucking ill man i was sick my head was fucked up i was roiling around 0.99

01:02:36.080 i was depressed i was sad i was sadness was something i never addressed like i'm fucking sad 0.98

01:02:41.040 and um i needed a welcome chip and i had been in the program may 5th 1998 i went to my first meeting

01:02:47.120 but i never got a sponsor i never like did the work and they say at the end of it keep coming

01:02:51.160 back it works if you work it i never worked it i never wrote out resentments i never took my

01:02:55.580 inventory like my defects of character like really looked at them and it's amazing the more i did the

01:03:01.940 work the more people in my life started talking to me finally the way i wanted them to talk to me

01:03:06.060 but they didn't change i changed yeah you know so yeah i know exactly when i got well i was at a

01:03:12.080 meeting in the palisades and i for some reason i got like this fire in me i said i gotta go write out

01:03:15.960 my resentments now i'm like wait till the end of the meeting i go i'm gonna wait one more second 0.81

01:03:19.720 and right when i waited the speaker goes there's a universe and me and that's fucking impossible 0.92

01:03:25.820 and i'm like whoa wow now i can go but i waited and i heard that before i left there's the universe 0.91

01:03:32.600 and me and that's impossible i was like holy shit so i'm right i'm writing up my resentments and i'm

01:03:38.420 mad at so and so for keep and i put it in quotes keep me from seeing my son and then i kept writing

01:03:43.000 why did i just put that in quotes because one of my defects of characters i've never given 100 percent

01:03:47.460 of anything ever it's just athletic stand-up fighting girls meeting people everything's always

01:03:53.700 just come really easy to me and the one thing i gave 100 at was my my marriage and so that caved in

01:03:59.060 on my first defect of character of an insatiable need irrational need for validation i get applause 0.99

01:04:05.280 for going to my office people go fuck yeah you're at fucking work let's do it every single time right 0.99

01:04:11.900 so the marriage failing fed the like not i need more validation and why give 100 because look what 0.99

01:04:20.320 just happened and i just was out of the marriage long enough that i was actually six feet tall and i

01:04:26.940 was tall enough because the only that one percent i didn't do was just go to their house and ring the

01:04:31.580 bell and say i'm sorry to the stepdad i put a lot on your plate man and i did and i started crying

01:04:38.900 and he held me like a baby he held me dude oh my god i put a lot on your plate i miss my son i still 0.82

01:04:45.380 know what his hair smells like and he goes it's okay man and he fucking held me like a baby like i'm 0.98

01:04:51.920 in debt to this dude forever like this guy's got a problem i got a fucking problem yeah i take care of 0.99

01:04:55.940 my problems this man loved me and i put shit on his plate i went over there with a sincere apology 0.96

01:05:01.560 and i had to make an apology to the mom and it was legit like man i just i didn't show up and 0.90

01:05:08.320 that's the thing i hate most about my father my father was in the household my father did not show

01:05:12.520 up it just right there's different angles and stuff yeah optics as you would say yeah he was

01:05:17.460 there but not there but he was some elements but it's my insatiable need i need him to throw 0.98

01:05:22.100 catch a different way you need a different day like yeah but i'm fucked up i'm fucked up right 0.99

01:05:26.680 it's me you need him yeah you need everything you need him to dress you in furs and feed you 0.99

01:05:31.260 possibly sustain what i need and i need them yeah nobody can sustain what i need and i need 0.99

01:05:36.360 them to read my mind as the one i need at the same time leave me the fuck alone and you also 0.93

01:05:39.840 aren't even going to tell them what you're thinking because they should already know what 0.75

01:05:41.840 you're thinking and i'm a lonely person but everything i love to do i do alone stand up 0.77

01:05:45.600 wrestling i love to fish and i paddleboard and i fish from a fucking paddleboard i love to drive 0.98

01:05:50.420 and that's insane that's what i do alone and that's what i'm my happiest because i can't talk 0.99

01:05:54.420 there's no talking alone on a paddleboard but you have a fucking four pound bass towing you past dukes 0.98

01:05:59.380 yeah yeah dude you gotta come out you're just that crazy guy i'd love to come out there i never 0.99

01:06:04.280 fished off a paddleboard before it's uh you only eat shit for about two months but then when i saw my 0.99

01:06:09.240 son and then i made amends and i made amends and i see my son he's like this beautiful if you could 0.98

01:06:15.280 just time stop life and meet you two years from now or like meet your your girlfriend or i don't know

01:06:21.800 who's in your life that you're closest with but if you just like two years and then two years later

01:06:27.300 you're the proper age and you get to see what that person's like as the awe the wonder that you

01:06:32.540 would have wow but it happened and you're like and then i had to go back to the stepdad and go

01:06:38.000 this kid's got incredible qualities and it's your doing wow i see you man and i love you for it and i'm

01:06:43.680 so grateful and then you go but i also see the basement i see that hurricane door i see the first i'm 0.97

01:06:50.760 like oh i built this motherfucker from scratch like he can't shake that and then they little by 0.95

01:06:56.500 little the thing is if you ever if your listeners are ever like away from a kid for a while you cannot 0.99

01:07:01.900 talk you may not you are not allowed you may not talk shit about another parent and every time you 0.90

01:07:07.420 do you sink smaller and smaller and smaller i had to be six feet tall again after a kooky i went to a 0.97

01:07:13.360 mental hospital twice the only reason i didn't take the bed is i had the improv the next night and i said

01:07:16.980 i can't do that to rita yeah that's it and i had a great show and then a meeting on sunday morning

01:07:21.460 and then a monday morning wrestling practice was like clear and i go well that way somehow it was

01:07:26.240 crazy but i was in the fucking place downtown in kaiser damn because i didn't have any money they 0.99

01:07:31.040 could take me and if you have a kid that you see you may not defend yourself you can't talk shit 1.00

01:07:37.100 about anybody you just have to be silent for you don't learn shit when you're talking and that kid 0.99

01:07:41.700 will teach you more and i'll tell you more shit that's untrue and you just sit there like oh you 0.98

01:07:46.100 just take it yeah because your child's talking and feels comfortable enough to actually share 1.00

01:07:51.020 shit about you that he would like to scream in your fucking face even if it's not truthful 1.00

01:07:56.240 and eventually the truth don't move man the truth doesn't move and little by little by little by little 1.00

01:08:04.240 the kid starts saying things like i remember you play chet baker for me when i was a baby i'm like now

01:08:08.860 i'm the only one in my class that knows who chet baker is i'm like i bet that hits you in the heart

01:08:12.800 huh you're like good okay and then you realize then they just you know you could say things to

01:08:18.640 your kid i said to my son i go you know there's a guy in california he's watching the sun go down

01:08:23.100 there's a guy in japan watching the sun come up there's a guy out in outer space he don't see the

01:08:27.700 sun at all all three of those guys that's reality and it is reality yeah so you just got to be aware

01:08:33.020 that there's a guy in japan there's a guy in malibu there's a guy in space and just

01:08:39.560 it's all i'm gonna say a lot of perspectives going on same time little by little they just 0.64

01:08:45.340 they figure shit out they know do you think your son do you ever worry that he doesn't

01:08:50.720 that do you feel like he loves you enough yeah it's it's astounding it's the most powerful thing 0.98

01:08:59.300 i've ever had in my life okay so they have a 15 year old son that's six feet tall who wants to be

01:09:04.160 president of the united states as he did when he was a baby i mailed him an index card and i wrote

01:09:09.180 is housing a right or a privilege examined before you answer and i get an index card in the mail a 0.95

01:09:14.760 month later and he wrote yes i'm like damn he's gonna get assassinated like he's bobby kennedy level 0.81

01:09:21.420 great yes were you amazed at how baby i'm amazed by the way your son is that brian adams yes dude i 0.97

01:09:30.060 was doing a show and it's paul mccartney i was in south africa and met brian adams at a yogurt bar at

01:09:35.140 a uh breakfast bar is that what they call it yeah here we just a glory hole now are you amazed that

01:09:40.580 children just as a parent because i've never been a parent are you amazed that kids can like

01:09:44.660 you know do they bounce like just how resilient they are and how much they bounce back and what

01:09:50.720 their affections are like like yes but it was also my resentment was there was nothing to bounce back

01:09:56.220 from i was just sort of omitted and the goal i felt the goalpost moved like well now's not a good time

01:10:02.380 a lot of that that must have been hard for you to like just hold on hold and i went i went to a

01:10:07.680 mental hospital twice and that was on top of the marriage on top of a job that made me insane like so 0.99

01:10:12.300 you're being gaslit in three different directions and you're like the odds of a a fucking job a wife 0.99

01:10:18.340 and an ex all saying the same thing to me are zero yet it's happening and they can't all be wrong when 0.98

01:10:26.620 you're a kid your mom goes so everyone's wrong but you yeah and you go oh but then as an adult you 0.99

01:10:32.560 look at that shit you go yes yeah i'm fucking positive it's an impossible confluence of fuck that's 0.99

01:10:38.920 the andrea gale bro you're an andrea gale yes but then i also realized there's a language i speak 0.99

01:10:44.060 that don't it doesn't doesn't convey don't go through the un headset people don't know so i had 0.99

01:10:48.400 to work on my shit damn leave it out on that note home of the motherfucking outcast you're troubled man 0.99

01:10:53.740 you're interesting i'm not troubled no i love that you said on the phone he goes i've always dug you 1.00

01:10:58.040 you seem like a real strange dude yeah i'm not troubled but not troubled like i mean but it's i think

01:11:04.840 i'm sure i think it's good you got really fucking defensive yeah i did i get nervous i'm not 0.93

01:11:08.820 troubled troubled like fucking troubled like a math problem troubled i i'm not saying you're walking 0.99

01:11:13.480 around with your fucking fingers and kids you know he's fucking troubled what i'm troubled 1.00

01:11:17.640 fucking troubled if you were one of the wet bandits dude based on that voice which one would you be the 1.00

01:11:23.640 tall skinny guy or would you be one of the wet bandits the wet bandits are the guys that attacked 0.99

01:11:27.140 macaulay colkin in that um when his parents went out of town i'd be uh i'd be stern because i think it

01:11:33.900 does the vo does he really oh no it is the vo for the wonder years which one which guy that gets 0.94

01:11:38.960 hit in the fucking face and beaten up do i want to be first yeah neither but i have who would you be 0.99

01:11:43.600 i'd be pesci more fun to play yeah no i i don't know will you be the guy that leaves the faucets on 1.00

01:11:48.920 because he wants the acclaim or you'd be pesci who's just in there it's a tough one i'd be the 0.99

01:11:54.160 fucking idiot who leaves the faucets on i think but that's the guy i want to play because i've played 1.00

01:11:57.560 like all the fucking cocks and dicks i've become rutger hauer yeah get jay moore we need an asshole 1.00

01:12:03.700 really rutger hauer that's great though i don't know who that is the hitcher uh-uh i'm a cute 1.00

01:12:08.540 i'm a michael landon fan though did you ever work with him no

01:12:12.560 dot yeah calls are coming right i love him you want to hit a call man we'll hit a call let's hit 0.91

01:12:19.960 a call and then um you have erectile dysfunction because you do things that gives you erections 0.79

01:12:24.420 you say thing i'm troubled you just let me know if you oh i've got i mean send them through nick

01:12:29.700 i think jay's mad at me no come on are you kidding me no way i don't really think you are

01:12:34.980 i don't think i don't know man you are uncomfortable i am uncomfortable i get uncomfortable well you did

01:12:40.200 say that i see you say that a lot in your stand-up like my my you know your default setting uncomfortable

01:12:44.680 yeah i like that you share that on stage because it's truthful yeah that's that's you yeah i think i

01:12:50.660 just i don't know i guess i just get afraid sometimes if you're uncomfortable or afraid around

01:12:54.380 me that's just you like yeah sealing up in like a balloon boy bubble because well i appreciate that

01:13:00.400 and yesterday you called and you said you know the first thing i want you to know is that i don't

01:13:04.300 think you could say something that would i don't think you could be rude yeah the last part of your

01:13:08.820 text was and none of this was meant to be rude and i hope it didn't come because i read from the

01:13:13.020 bottom up and i just read that one part and i called you i go i don't think you're capable of being rude

01:13:17.060 to me because i know your heart you're just a great you're a good person you're a great guy

01:13:20.760 thanks man i appreciate you saying that i can help you with this more comfortable i can help

01:13:24.320 you with this fear yeah well yeah and it's based on nothing it's not based in reality it's not based

01:13:30.740 on anything you've actually experienced you've never been in a room with three guys i'm like this 0.68

01:13:33.860 is where they fucking pay me down and broke my jaw yeah it's all the construct of your conditioning 0.98

01:13:40.180 and bullshit i'll do it off mike but no it's fine i don't care i mean i don't care about doing 0.98

01:13:44.660 it on mic or off like i just i'm trying to listen to you and think about what you're and like feel

01:13:48.800 what you're saying you know and try and see where it lands like inside me at the same time you know

01:13:52.440 i have to pee my eyes out but all right this call though let's piss but this call has been waiting 0.64

01:13:56.200 right all right let's do a call you want to do one and we'll get a poor person we can and um if you 0.89

01:14:00.980 want this has been great i can help you with that fear for real no i'm 100 serious man i really need

01:14:05.080 i never had it it's weird i'm the outlier i know that yeah maybe that's what it is maybe you're

01:14:09.740 not trouble you're just an outlier of everything certainly here's alexander hey fio this is alexander

01:14:17.180 in largo florida just want to call and say hey man share some share some good news with you

01:14:21.820 my lady and i are signed up to run our first 5k race on april 7th so that's exciting and uh yeah

01:14:30.560 we're going to be celebrating with you in tampa that same night so even more exciting that's it man

01:14:35.320 just want to say we're out there getting active you know getting after it trying to be uh life

01:14:38.760 survivors you know what i mean we'll see you at uh rock brothers brewing bruh rock brothers brewing

01:14:44.680 come see theo well no i didn't know that that guy was uh and when he first started i thought that

01:14:49.160 man was honestly into men i thought he when i first heard him saying especially largo florida a lot of

01:14:53.580 assumptions man yeah and it's doing a 5k with his and i said something i was an asshole oh he's off the 0.98

01:14:58.920 line i i said i was a dick like oh and he goes it's exciting i'm like is it and then i went you know 0.98

01:15:03.440 what they're doing it together it is fucking cool because people that run like marathons they got 0.98

01:15:07.080 intimacy issues man you think i know you got to get ready to do like your run every day then you run 0.96

01:15:14.000 for two hours alone then you come home it takes an hour to shower you got to eat the specific food

01:15:18.380 that nobody else is allowed to touch and then you know then then maybe somebody leaves for work

01:15:23.620 yeah like this guy's doing it with the old lady so you think doing it with the old lady is that

01:15:28.960 they're together they're together and they got trained together they're gonna do and they talk

01:15:32.300 about what they're doing that's good stuff so that's good stuff oh yeah what's there's no negative

01:15:36.020 there all right all right oh i'm sorry i took a long pee i fell asleep sitting down i had to sit

01:15:43.520 down to pee i'd pee so bad you know what i i sit down sometime when i pee in the morning and if i

01:15:48.840 pee in the middle of the night but that's because you got a boner no you know the only reason you get 0.98

01:15:53.040 an erection in your sleep is so you don't pee in your bed is that true yeah you can't pee when you 0.96

01:15:56.880 get a boner i went to bed no joke till i was probably 32 years old i well i i i'm sorry and i went to bed i was a 0.98

01:16:05.400 bed wetter but not like that yeah but i went to bed from the top of my dresser oh that was my first 0.99

01:16:11.360 joke ever i can't believe this shit i was 16 that was my first joke dude that's a fucking great joke 0.99

01:16:17.500 captain i was i'm athletic i was a captain of the miniature golf team i missed last year i was hit 0.99

01:16:22.020 by a windmill uh and i'm a bed wetter i mean everybody but i do it from the top of my dresser

01:16:29.560 that's so good that's what i thought my first five minutes was and then i saw a tape of it and it was 0.98

01:16:35.060 like watching like another country's parliament talk like what the fuck watching c-span the 0.92

01:16:41.520 dispatch box look across the mr costgrove the fine gentleman from he didn't borrow and he's oh yeah 0.99

01:16:47.440 i'm like what i had my five minutes i knew what it was in my head and i watched it i didn't know what

01:16:53.080 i didn't understand what i was saying wow that's so funny to me i've never heard that i wet my bed my

01:16:59.220 whole life i mean most of my childhood was constantly because then i had to take a pill because

01:17:03.340 they came out with a pill where you um you took this pill from the doctor and you wouldn't wet the

01:17:08.380 bed and when that came out finally i could go sleep at friends houses because i always had to

01:17:12.560 be the kid who was up all night walking around your house loitering or i had to be the kid who

01:17:17.620 you know was um delicate ecosystem you grew up in your dad was just pat around yeah and your mom

01:17:24.820 had to do all of it and you were aware of how much your mom did yeah you your fear is

01:17:29.380 from the childhood it's it's the fear of i i can't upset this apple cart i i see the delicate

01:17:37.060 nature i i see this ecosystem i can't run through this garden with boots on yeah and there'd be hell

01:17:42.640 to pay but there was never hell to pay with you your mom was incredibly gentle with you and she saw

01:17:47.540 you like you know she saw you and she didn't laugh i saw you say that in the teaser wasn't a lot to

01:17:53.840 laugh at but you knew she knew but with your dad's absence and with siblings they would catch

01:18:01.760 a beating and for some reason you i mean you got your fair share but it was disproportionately it was

01:18:05.900 them not you yes or no only say yes or no no you got most of the beatings i think everybody got 0.99

01:18:12.020 decent beatings one of the other buddy it's not true because somebody doesn't fuck around so they 0.96

01:18:17.900 don't get any beatings how many kids yeah i don't remember this good question how many kids are in 0.97

01:18:22.460 four kids that was an odd response how many kids in your family i don't remember somebody i remember

01:18:26.700 it was a small person with a bad haircut in the pecking order i was number two i had a brother

01:18:30.440 that was two years older than me and then two sisters that were two years from him too because

01:18:34.200 he had to take out the aggression yeah and he wasn't neither one of us were good fighters man

01:18:37.540 but you well he was a lot better than you were two years of an eternity when eight to ten years old

01:18:42.060 yeah his arms were heavier than mine so you had to live in fear of that

01:18:45.460 so you were on eggshells on the way to school in school on the way home from school

01:18:50.580 in the house where you're supposed to be safe and sound and your comrade your number one guy 0.98

01:18:55.220 your go-to guy is the one that's gonna kick the shit out of you probably the most because he can't 0.96

01:18:59.360 fight anybody he can't beat anybody up except you yeah that'll make you know what now that's true 0.98

01:19:04.340 that'll make i carry fear yeah maybe that's when did your mom pass my mom's still alive she's still

01:19:10.000 alive good yeah she's uh yeah that's very conflicting emotions what about your dad they're both alive

01:19:18.140 they are both my dads paul reiser and the other guy my two dads no oh dude the other guy with the

01:19:23.800 mustache nobody knows his name uh both my parents are alive they're still together they're in jersey

01:19:27.680 and i uh i just yeah i just my dad i just seem to annoy but that's how he just was really and now

01:19:37.520 i sent him a long email once like let me tell you something because i realized i asked my father in

01:19:44.060 the back of my book um no wonder my parents drank there's like a questionnaire to give your dad

01:19:49.040 or your son or your uncle or whatever the answers will blow your mind like these are not the people

01:19:55.000 you know like what's the best part about having a kid what's the best part about having a son versus

01:19:58.900 a daughter what's the hardest part about raising a son how is it different when's the proper time

01:20:03.540 to have the birds and the bees when you go to bed are you ever done being a parent

01:20:07.320 and my father's answers i gave it to him like two years ago for some reason and not when the book

01:20:13.080 came out his answers fucking shook me man it was like when you were born basically like when i was 0.98

01:20:20.100 born it was the greatest day of his life and it still is fills him with joy i'm like joy i've never 0.98

01:20:24.040 seen this guy have joy in my life he reads books when he gets home from work it's dinner time they watch

01:20:28.640 tv they go to bed repeat yeah and my dad was never affectionate so i always made a vow that i would

01:20:35.640 always show affection and always be present my grandfather was like a big deal he was like

01:20:40.040 president of revlon he was a band leader he ran for senate revlon yeah from the hair care make up

01:20:46.580 all it oh wow and then he was a perfumer and then he started in britain that made his own company and 0.99

01:20:51.180 then so my father just explained like basically like this guy was kind of a son of a bitch 0.99

01:20:56.540 and he treated us he wrote i remember my dad wrote he treated us as adjuncts instead of children like 0.98

01:21:02.720 just you know then we we acquired the ping pong table room over here like it's like no i'm john

01:21:08.040 i'm your oldest i run track at rutgers so it felt like buddies did it feel like buddies no it was

01:21:14.020 demanding like he was a he was a compiler like he was on he was a nixon's uh cabinet he was uh 0.99

01:21:21.080 a water gator no he was on the up and up he's not stupid fucking spy on people that might be against 1.00

01:21:27.280 you come on man i'm from jersey man that's some straight wittier fucking faggotry yeah he's a clean 1.00

01:21:32.260 water gator i have a sister he wasn't a water gator he was on the council for the aging he was in the 1.00

01:21:36.100 cabin yeah special guy yeah he was uh he fucked marilyn monroe and bobby at the same time your 0.99

01:21:40.580 father did oh sure so um i have a sister named whittier whittier yeah beautiful i love all the 0.99

01:21:47.100 things we talk about deluded i'm telling you i said how many times the universe tapping us on the

01:21:50.980 shoulder yesterday on the phone i said so my grandfather was like just not warm and my father

01:21:55.940 vowed to be like really warm so what i perceived as like an absence of he perceived as warm

01:22:02.060 was no it was warm because he didn't have anything to go by there's no diorama for him to

01:22:06.420 study and go this is how you treat a child warmly because he didn't know it right so everything he

01:22:12.700 ever like he always played catch with me he never ever ever my life said no that didn't sound like a

01:22:18.420 big deal but to a guy that's insatiable like me my wrestling matches in boot in new jersey up 0.51

01:22:23.460 route 23 in the middle of fucking nowhere where toothless hillbillies are sitting next to their 0.99

01:22:27.860 wives and their kids and whatever like just that that old joke you know yeah it's my sister wife 0.98

01:22:33.660 or whatever always went on the road wrestling matches started fucking six way in there at 6 a.m 0.94

01:22:39.340 so you guys were close i didn't i didn't know it at the time but because i was too busy with an 0.72

01:22:44.260 alcoholic brain as a kid like what's with this guy oh yeah this guy what's with this guy and what's

01:22:49.060 with this guy is he quit his job in the city so he was home with us more wow and he wrote that all

01:22:54.700 out and i was and i just wrote him back like i owe you an apology every time i've ever written

01:22:58.940 because in gasping for airtime a saturday night live book i'm like this guy never gave me affection

01:23:04.960 in this i'm like i'm mortified that i ever wrote this about and all those questions are in the back

01:23:09.200 of your book i could send them to my mom or something no wonder my parents drank yeah you'll

01:23:12.860 be you you have to because her answers man i need her answers you will get her answers but my father

01:23:21.720 and sent his still two years later and i didn't expect them which is good and i was taxes i was 0.94

01:23:27.080 fucking i was low when i got that shit in the mail and i just you needed it i was alone in my apartment 0.96

01:23:32.300 like scream crying like ah and then my housekeeper comes in i'm like get the bug out she's like we 1.00

01:23:39.820 don't have windex i'm like i know it's why you think i'm crying because i can't see out of any of

01:23:45.240 the windows look at my man right here i love you at the farley mural yeah man there's a young man

01:23:50.100 named brady matthews painted this for me and now it's his first one well brady matthews needs to

01:23:54.280 hear this story and then we'll go jump on to more stories yeah we'll jump on to more stories in just

01:23:57.840 a second david tell and i shared an office at saturday night live if you want to make sure

01:24:01.140 nothing gets done put the two of us in an office like he had a box set of otis redding that lauren

01:24:07.180 gave him for his birthday and he cut a hole where the mouth was and put a cigarette in it and lit it 0.97

01:24:11.280 like that was two weeks of fucking laughter like how long does the cigarette laugh one of them go 0.97

01:24:15.240 faster we're like he's actually smoked we weren't well so farley comes in on a rewrite night there's 0.99

01:24:20.280 no reason for farley to be in the building he was the most beautiful man i ever met in my life

01:24:24.160 ever my grandfather my other grandfather read my mom's dad maurice ferguson he was he was the one

01:24:31.280 man that saw him he was the most beautiful man ever and then chris right behind him and chris wasn't

01:24:35.760 sober the two years i was there he was had his shit together he was you know in a van down by the river 0.84

01:24:40.560 it's then yeah and he comes in he goes what are you guys doing and me and david tell go we'll give 0.99

01:24:46.900 you a hundred dollars to take a shit out the window oh yeah but we said at the same time like creepy 0.87

01:24:51.400 twins come play with us danny we'll pay you a hundred he asked us how what we were doing and our 0.99

01:24:57.260 answer at the same time he's from brooklyn i'm from jersey he's jewish i'm catholic like i what we'll 0.98

01:25:03.560 give you a hundred dollars like the cadence like we were singing a song together to shit out the window 0.95

01:25:08.280 oh man and he goes give me the money first and we're like oh fuck patent pockets bro and including 0.99

01:25:14.920 and i'm not exaggerating making lunch baby four dollars in coins it was exactly a hundred dollars 0.97

01:25:21.080 and so he takes the paper money chris farley puts it in his pocket and then reaches across my desk 1.00

01:25:28.040 which is against the window the longest way you could go and fuck the strong motherfucker man yeah 1.00

01:25:33.380 lifts that shit tilts the desk and the coins like in a cartoon ding ding ding into his pocket like 1.00

01:25:39.380 like stacks of quarters stacks of like ding ding ding ding ding ding it was amazing drops the desk 0.99

01:25:45.740 opens that giant ass window goes up on the window ledge and rests the window on the back of his neck 0.90

01:25:51.440 facing in the building oh wow is the 17th floor yeah he could fall to his death at any moment 0.93

01:25:56.680 especially at his weight that's a risk he's very graceful man he was at no risk of losing

01:26:02.480 he have long legs no he was just like a football player and he just had incredible balance he seemed 0.83

01:26:07.260 to cartwheels and shit and flips he was great and the only thing in the building was like his nose 0.95

01:26:11.740 his hands that were on his knees and the snot bubble coming out of his nose and all the holding just his 0.94

01:26:16.740 head against that window well yeah and he's balancing on the ledge as well right but it became obvious

01:26:21.660 and they do tell the story on stage it became obvious immediately that chris didn't get it to pop he 0.97

01:26:26.420 didn't have to shit at all but he had the money and he always delivers and the deal's a deal but he always 0.95

01:26:31.820 delivers so you're doing that body tetris at that point you know what i'm talking about i love you 1.00

01:26:37.500 i swear to god i'll fucking marry you you start fucking playing jango with yourself bro because 1.00

01:26:43.420 you got to find a turd in you body tetris i'm mad but that's true though you're just moving around 1.00

01:26:49.460 yeah i mean you're doing things yeah that's when you get the diarrhea with the stomach ache you're 0.99

01:26:52.700 like i gotta move this bubble here dude that's when you start that's when i need that shitty piece 0.99

01:26:56.940 that comes down makes it right and comes down again yeah the one that fucks up your whole game 0.93

01:27:00.540 that little hitter you need that baller so like the windows rattling from effort like

01:27:05.820 he's purple and he's it's farly he's going like i'll get it and is he saying stuff also to make

01:27:13.860 you guys laugh at this point as well he can't he's insatiable that way he can't and after like a

01:27:19.400 minute which is a long time when a guy's above the skating rink yeah like if you ever see like a

01:27:25.660 fig one fig newton without the newton one of those like that size that shape it was like square

01:27:33.720 shaped oh yeah and it was thin oh yeah uh i'll guess consistency fell like the snow through the 0.99

01:27:41.920 window behind him fell from his ass in the window onto my fucking desk oh that's a detroit dove right 1.00

01:27:48.200 there it was he wipes his ass with his hand there's no papers we don't write we don't write 1.00

01:27:55.600 yeah we do nothing in there but fucking i watch him smoke i do diamond push-ups and i call escorts 1.00

01:28:02.240 and fucking finally wipes his ass with his hand he goes and starts doing like a zombie walk 1.00

01:28:09.260 and starts chasing in quotes because he's going doing a zombie walk me and david tell are hauling 1.00

01:28:16.160 ass down these hallways but like in scooby-doo he's always right fucking behind us he's just 0.93

01:28:20.380 going his eyes are all the way in the back of his head so we don't know how he can see and he went 0.96

01:28:24.960 from like haha to like oh no like terrifying like i fought uh harbor heights mexican mafia gangbanger

01:28:31.040 he's on pcp and he wouldn't go down i'm like oh this is great just like right between the chin

01:28:36.200 and from the fucking middle of his eyebrow to like his bottom lip just and then like a minute in you go 0.99

01:28:42.260 this is a horror movie like i'm getting tired and he kept going you fucking near you i am i 0.99

01:28:47.960 like somebody fucking josh mitch mullaney gets out of his car and beats him up and the whole set 0.98

01:28:53.060 mitch mullaney like apparently just fought in oakland his whole life it was amazing rest in peace 0.97

01:28:57.680 brother saved my life so far he's chasing us around there's a hallway going to lauren's office

01:29:02.500 that's single file only lauren michaels yeah lauren green actually he took over the show for a while

01:29:08.820 did he really no he just mentioned michael landon so jump on that i love michael landon i okay have

01:29:14.520 you told him now well i didn't get my mom almost met him one time at the fairgrounds but um we're

01:29:20.340 gonna get into this on mine let's start more stories with this okay because this ties right into

01:29:25.340 everything i was just saying about your home it's fascinating he was the ideal he was the guy oh i get

01:29:29.560 it even the pajamas that were the whole body red pajamas you're like see that's what a man wears oh he

01:29:34.640 was prince henry he was prince henry prince harry prince harry he was our you know he was our yeah

01:29:40.400 yeah yeah he was estee lauder he was somebody you know he was the big deal atel and i had a single

01:29:46.980 file only and i'm like i am i am 11 months removed from college wrestling so i'm like and this 0.94

01:29:55.980 motherfucker's right next to me ass and elbows david tell and he's like i'm like neither one of us are 0.99

01:30:02.280 giving it up and i'm on the bookshelf side and it hits my shoulder and my shoulder comes out of the 1.00

01:30:07.100 socket goes around me like a grandma taking her bra off at the table yeah it felt like it just went

01:30:11.240 around my body and if you're not sure you've been knocked out it's like i'm not sure if i napped or

01:30:16.240 not you did because there's no way like no i didn't nap like i don't know if i napped like then you 0.92

01:30:21.300 something happened yeah if you're like did i just get fucking knocked yes yes you did and i i'm 0.96

01:30:26.040 standing there i'm laying on my back and farley in the shithand he's like and i'm like um and i go 0.98

01:30:33.180 fuck you farley i broke my fucking jaw i'm like putting it on like really acting i made myself 0.99

01:30:37.940 cry and he goes are you okay and he stands up and i just got up and i ran out of the fucking building 1.00

01:30:43.400 and i jogged home and i got under the covers it was like the most amazingly funny the most impossible 0.92

01:30:49.280 thing the most frightening thing and i like fooled like a beautiful man into thinking i was hurt like

01:30:57.240 that hurt me worse than anything he's like are you okay like when he stopped being a zombie it was

01:31:02.280 like heartbreaking i just fucking wanted to throw myself in front of a cab but that's but it's almost 0.92

01:31:06.700 perfect man i can imagine at that moment you're under the covers and you created all of these all of 0.70

01:31:11.340 these things happened and you're filled with all these feelings you're filled with excitement

01:31:14.320 laughter uh fear chicanery because you guys created this crazy thing the the the vision 1.00

01:31:20.820 tomfoolery and rumpus the vision that somebody got shit on the vision that you know hurt and all of 0.77

01:31:25.960 that it's like and then you were able probably to just save like sleep comfortably that's an enormous 0.96

01:31:31.360 event but it just shows how many feelings you have to have sometimes as an alcoholic to be filled with

01:31:36.720 to be able to just oh it was an overload it was too many feelings right but the one that got me was 0.97

01:31:41.540 are you okay that that fucking to this day i i get if i think about it long enough i'll fucking cry 0.98

01:31:47.680 like that's a beautiful beautiful man like there's a reason you mention his name and people go oh my god 0.98

01:31:53.680 like yeah you think you know but you don't know but i'm glad you know what you know yeah but he was

01:31:58.680 the most beautiful man i ever met in my life not named maurice yeah yeah i'm trying to think of the most

01:32:04.640 beautiful man oh ours is always i mean growing up it was michael landon and as an adult i haven't

01:32:10.000 chosen but when i was young it was michael right across from me buddy i'm right there i know you 0.97

01:32:16.940 are and i'm glad you are but um no i can't fuck with michael landon nobody i mean deacon jones 0.99

01:32:22.860 i don't know who that is get the fuck out of philadelphia get out of the 76ers we're gonna wrap 0.99

01:32:27.860 it up um but no we'll go to more stories how about that yeah we'll go over to more stories 0.97

01:32:33.300 to j uh to jay moore's podcast you'll be able to catch us on there jay i just want to thank you so

01:32:37.300 much man for coming in to super i love you brother i see you i can't look you in the eye when i say it

01:32:42.220 because i don't want you to be uncomfortable but i do that's that man you're you are the absolute

01:32:48.300 guy like i can't wait for your future like you're the funniest fucking guy i'm like i have to just do 0.99

01:32:54.560 this podcast mine meaning mine and then you wanted me to be on yours i'm like yeah let's break bread 0.97

01:33:00.280 anytime anyplace bro i appreciate it let's crack some fucking skulls out there yeah it means a lot 0.93

01:33:04.940 dude i'm a huge fan and thank you for entertaining us i'm a strange guy and for being here yeah man 0.94

01:33:09.240 you're strange man you're not troubled though no i'm not troubled i'm aware of my troubles which i

01:33:14.880 think negates it yeah it's like you're in indiana jones in your own where's my whip yeah where the 0.98

01:33:20.540 fuck is my whip always i hate snakes all right man i appreciate you yeah thanks bud 0.99

01:33:27.180 hey kizzy if you can hear this come fuck with it thank you guys so much for uh being here uh this 0.99

01:33:36.360 episode happy easter to you or happy passover or happy you know atheism if you're into that if you're 0.99

01:33:43.440 into the you know if you're out there you know juggling the devil's ball bag and you like being out

01:33:49.480 there like that you know we just you know the full moon is your only friend and that's then that's the

01:33:55.060 that's that's for you too and i hope you enjoy yourself and i hope you got some candy from a

01:33:59.180 rabbit or i hope you do but um i'm going to spend uh spend this weekend in louisiana and i just wanted

01:34:07.280 to say thank you guys this was our first guest that we had in the studio and you know um i'm just

01:34:14.680 i'm hopeful i'm excited for doing more and i'd love to know any feedback that you guys have drop

01:34:19.980 a comment on youtube uh constructive criticism please let's try and you know just keep it you

01:34:26.060 know let's try and serve our criticisms in a in a healthy manner and in a helpful manner if we can

01:34:31.380 also i gotta let you guys know about uh star flow star flow is the location for fans trying to link up

01:34:39.260 and get closer to their favorite celebrities so sometimes you don't want to be a peep in time

01:34:43.300 you know you don't want to hide out in uh in um you don't want to hide out in giselle's trash or

01:34:50.400 you know or hiding out in a dumpster by our house so that's why you go to star flow and you get that

01:34:56.700 direct celebrity interaction you know it provides a hub for consumers to access their favorite talents

01:35:01.620 and celebrities and exclusive content in only seconds think about seconds there went some it's

01:35:08.180 available on the app store or at starflow.com it stays out of that sell your information secondary

01:35:13.860 market it's a safe place where you and celebrities and um and and and brands and everything can

01:35:21.280 coagulate and touch each other on the shoulder you know what i'm saying it's about users creators

01:35:25.960 and content check it out starflow.com or starflow on the app store and we'll have the link below in

01:35:31.640 the youtube um and on the um itunes thank you guys again so much uh this is our first guest and we

01:35:38.360 uh hope for many more thank you patreon for your patience and support helping us get into the studio

01:35:43.480 and um and hope you guys have a good one man uh be good to yourselves you probably deserve it

01:35:50.600 ladies and gentlemen i'm jonathan kite and welcome to kite club a podcast where i'll be sharing thoughts

01:35:59.200 on things like current events stand-up stories and seven ways to pleasure your partner the answer may

01:36:05.440 shock you sometimes i'll interview my friends sometimes i won't and as always i'll be joined by

01:36:11.760 the voices in my head you have three new voice messages a lot of people are talking about kite club

01:36:18.800 i've been talking about kite club for so long longer than anybody else so great hi swia he's a deal 0.97

01:36:27.060 anyone who doesn't listen to kite club is a dodgy bloody wanker jermaine i'll take a quarter pounder 0.92

01:36:35.060 with cheese and a mcflurry sorry sir but our ice cream machine is broken oh no i think tom hanks just 0.98

01:36:42.500 butt dialed me anyway first rule of kite club is tell everyone about kite club second rule of kite club

01:36:48.900 is tell everyone about kite club third rule like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or

01:36:55.840 watch us on youtube yeah and yes don't worry my brad pitt impression will get better

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - March 30, 2018

Jay Mohr ｜ This Past Weekend #84

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