Never-ending Walmart | This Past Weekend #216
Episode Stats
Length
1 hour and 12 minutes
Words per Minute
155.90063
Summary
On this episode of the pod, the boys talk about the joys of wearing pants and sandals in the cold, and the dangers of wearing them in public. They also talk about a man named Tiny Sand, who is a rare earth element that lives deep in the earth, and plays a little bitty guitar.
Transcript
00:00:05.080
all right dang dude man i look like i freaking combed my hair with a damn shovel all right
00:00:20.720
uh i have on pants with um and i don't know if this has ever happened to you but i'm
00:00:28.220
i have on pants with sandals pants with sandals and and every time i do that
00:00:37.640
i feel my feet feel like they're just up to no good you know my feet feel like they're
00:00:47.360
my legs feel like they're being normal and my feet feel like they're being naughty
00:00:52.240
just because i guess like the cold air kind of hits them and
00:00:55.980
you know and they're just so damn exposed if you're wearing damn uh
00:01:01.700
you know you got your damn toes out there your freaking
00:01:06.080
your little dangle pieces out there at the end of your feet
00:01:09.740
because your toes are just like almost like 10 small like little floridas just hanging off your body
00:01:16.600
but yeah when i have pants on and sandals i feel
00:01:24.460
i mean let's be honest bruh that's the dark arts right there
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that's that intro hitter right there that's uh siney that's uh siney siney that's tiny sand who
00:02:34.860
putting that sound paste on your damn hearing on your hearing brushes
00:02:41.260
and uh and if you guys don't know who tiny is tiny's a you know he's that rare earth element
00:02:48.440
tiny sand who is a man you know when when this pod you know when we first started doing this he he he
00:02:56.080
would send us sound and he records deep in the earth we don't know where he's from
00:03:01.180
i mean if you took a damn if you quit you know quit combing your hair with a shovel
00:03:06.440
and use the shovel naturally in its natural locale into the earth i bet somewhere down there you'd
00:03:14.140
find a damn treasure box and you'd open it up and inside of there be tiny sand who a small man we
00:03:20.320
don't know how i mean nobody's seen him and he'd be playing a little bitty uh a little bitty
00:03:26.220
guitar you know but that's him he hit me through email years ago and every couple months he'll send
00:03:34.100
in something and this message came from him and this is all truthful and this is all honest
00:03:38.860
he said hey man i've been living a different life in a different dimension for a while
00:03:44.900
but fuck that man i'm back and coming through with that interplanetary hitter
00:03:50.800
a cover of sweet child of mine and that's it tiny sand who and that could be middle eastern i'm not
00:03:58.800
sure what he is but uh but we're gracious for that hitter and we're hoping to have a new website up
00:04:06.400
here uh in the next two weeks and then people can submit their sounds music melodies and this and that
00:04:14.380
to be a part of the experience and uh and that'll be that what's going on not much man um
00:04:23.320
what did i do this weekend really uh you know i got my nieces and nephews are coming out here
00:04:32.940
in two weeks to go to disney see the mouse you know it and i remember when i was real young
00:04:41.220
uh you know they had a man next door kind of an older guy and i don't want to say a pervert but
00:04:50.180
he always said his zipper on his pants didn't work well so you know you can kind of you could get a
00:04:58.740
dang uh you could get a stencil and some markers and draw a young conclusion on that but this man he
00:05:06.740
would always say come see the mouse you know y'all want to go to disney world come see the mouse and
00:05:11.300
you get by him and hey he had a little mouse in his hand a little bitty mouse you know
00:05:17.240
reminds me that circus mouse on green mile remember that movie remember that movie that killed the big
00:05:24.100
black guy that killed michael clark duncan um and they got the man on there with the circus mouse
00:05:29.840
that little white kind of shifty guy look like look like his eyes are playing uh like in a little
00:05:35.840
bit of a um like look like his eyes are always kind of shooting at each other a little bit
00:05:40.960
he got that little circus mouse you know he goes oh it's gonna be a little bitty circus mouse remember
00:05:46.740
that but i could see myself i don't know if i could train animals i could actually i could you know
00:05:55.180
i don't want to doubt myself that's one thing recently i've been tired of just doubting myself
00:05:58.540
you know i want to believe i want to just start to just believe that i could do what i want to do
00:06:03.940
or i could do anything i could train animals i could you know i could be a high diver you know i could um
00:06:13.120
you know i could hold my breath for a long time you know just different it could be anything man
00:06:19.020
could be really anything and i just i guess i want to start believing in myself more
00:06:23.080
um what else was i thinking about oh i went to look at a car you know and i'm looking at a jeep
00:06:31.880
grand cherokee and i always wanted to have one and so thinking about treating myself and getting
00:06:38.360
something like that you know just that hitter you out there that little you know that little uh
00:06:45.100
and you got that vehicle in your cruise and i love that dude remember when you were young bruh
00:06:51.240
and you left the house for the first time in your car
00:06:55.000
i remember looking back at my folks and being like man i can't believe they fucking let me go
00:07:06.120
they know sure fire i'm about to go get me a little bit of johns you know
00:07:12.300
and it was i don't even know what holiday it was thanksgiving dude i'll get a couple damn turkey
00:07:19.180
johns and just just huff them things and just get my lungs all freaking you know cornucopia
00:07:27.680
cooked out bruh i was just literally i drove 200 feet to my neighbor's bro and drove there and got some
00:07:36.360
weed and i was just i remember my mom could even see me from where i drove down it wasn't
00:07:40.520
i lied to her i said i'm going to get something you know i'm going to the market or i'm going to get
00:07:45.300
some gas and she said you have a full tank and i said well i'm gonna you know i'm gonna top it off
00:07:50.540
because it was my first time that first experience right there but i remember that and i drove just
00:07:57.760
about 200 feet into my neighbor's driveway and bought weed right there in front of my mom my mom said
00:08:03.840
damn you're an idiot and she was right she was right about that one that time now i have evolved
00:08:12.580
since then but but she was right about that but remember how shitty everybody's car was when you
00:08:18.620
were a kid unless you were rich then you don't know what the fuck i'm talking about but remember how
00:08:26.280
shitty bro i remember one dude uh they had this guy in our town this guy big samuel
00:08:32.640
and he had a van and it wouldn't shut off so that bitch you had to constantly be putting gas in it
00:08:40.220
it wouldn't shut off dude there was no like on off it was either when the gas was in it would start up
00:08:46.120
and when it was out of gas it would stop there was no i think somebody either stole the ignition
00:08:59.940
dude coffee let's be honest that's like damn cocaine for your lungs bro
00:09:06.560
right when you bring that cup to your mouth it's like your lungs just pulled over under you know
00:09:12.180
off the interstate and bought a you know bought a swift you know bought a couple just a wet
00:09:22.580
what's going on dude i had this i have this crazy kind of thing that's been kind of milling around
00:09:29.440
in the background and i want to share with you but i don't want to like jinx myself do you ever get
00:09:32.940
like that like you want to share like some news or something but you don't want to like jinx your own
00:09:41.920
i was at the comedy store this weekend everybody was in montreal for the um comedy festival and i was
00:10:00.120
you know i like everything was good and the next thing you know i downloaded snapchat and you know
00:10:08.020
i mean anything can get through snap it's like our borders basically it's like
00:10:13.120
whatever here's they got a meal they got you know snapchat is very
00:10:19.420
it's just so dangerous i know i've talked about it before but i didn't really realize this
00:10:24.240
you know i get this thing at night when i'm by myself and it just like i get like restless like i just
00:10:37.640
you know but i don't even know what i want to do sometimes i just don't know what i want to do
00:10:55.080
i want to just you know just nibble on something a titty or something i don't know what it is
00:11:01.180
something i just want to do something i have this thing at night i get restless
00:11:34.680
if you wanted to check me for some type of rhythm or a voltage or something
00:11:55.660
but that's also you know that's part of your aortas
00:12:01.580
your heart's like a shoebox but the shoes are all blood
00:12:07.460
anyway but if you check somebody's body that was it
00:12:09.620
the main frequency rolling through them was that heartbeat that
00:12:16.900
or if they was doing a little bit of coke it would be like
00:12:21.660
or if they had just bought a shark it would be like
00:12:27.420
so but that was it that was your only vibe was that your your only vibration inside of you that
00:12:41.340
now you got all the you got there's electric waves going everywhere
00:12:45.540
you know i just wonder if sometimes if my angst is a side effect of
00:12:50.780
just all the electricity and stuff that's in the air all the vibes that are out that are just cruising
00:12:56.020
i mean dude there's an email if you send an email
00:12:58.280
where do you think it goes bro through the ground dude
00:13:11.200
if you're chilling and next thing you know you feel something
00:13:15.640
i wouldn't be surprised one day they crack a guy open on a deathbed
00:13:19.360
and he gots a bunch of damn best buy emails clogged up in his body or something or some
00:13:23.720
you know who knows is what i'm trying to i guess saying but
00:13:29.440
so that's been that i guess but yeah i guess at night sometimes i get kind of
00:13:35.260
i don't know there's this thing inside of me and
00:13:44.560
it feels like a little gopher that won't brush his teeth or something he's just hiding like in the base of my neck and in the back of my wiener
00:13:59.040
i wish i could explain it to you better but that happens to me at night
00:14:07.700
i mean that thing is just fucking loitering around in the back of my nuts
00:14:27.100
and that bitch wouldn't shut off so you had to keep it rolling
00:14:47.020
and if you don't get away from the hose real quick
00:14:54.040
it'll jump out of the hose and bite you in the face
00:14:56.040
and you can't have a cigarette for about a month after that
00:15:55.380
you know when i think about like religion and stuff
01:08:32.060
I want to thank Nick and Gianni for making my life easier and always being a part of this show.
01:09:02.060
And the first time I'm lost, I'm left here alone in my sin. But I'm in pretty good shape for the shape that I'm in.
01:09:20.060
I'm making it, I'm making it, I'm making it all feel right. I'm making it, I'm making it, I'm making it time.
01:09:43.060
I'm making it, I'm making it, I'm making it all feel right.
01:09:55.060
I'm making it, and it kills when I hit the end. I'm making it time.
01:10:20.060
I ain't seen home in about a hundred days. I can almost hear mama pray for my restless soul.
01:10:33.060
Endless Walmart, baby. We can change the world, man. Be good to yourselves, man. You deserve it.
01:10:40.060
And I'm going to try to do the same to myself. And thank you for always reminding me.
01:10:45.060
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.
01:11:01.380
Sometimes I'll interview my friends. Sometimes I won't.
01:11:04.960
And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.
01:11:10.640
A lot of people are talking about Kite Club. I've been talking about Kite Club for so long. Longer than anybody else. So great.
01:11:19.640
Hi. Sweetie. Here's a deal. Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy, bloody wanker.
01:11:27.640
Ho-ho! I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.
01:11:31.640
Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.
01:11:38.460
Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.
01:11:42.600
Second rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.
01:11:46.800
Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.
01:11:52.600
And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.