This Past Weekend with Theo Von - Nocturnal Emissions ｜ This Past Weekend #127

00:00:00.480 Recently, our company's softball team lost the big game by one run.

00:00:04.800 Then Dale tried to console us with the quote,

00:00:07.200 winning isn't everything.

00:00:09.060 Well, Dale and I are very different.

00:00:12.740 I get early payout from Bet365.

00:00:14.680 If my team goes up big, I get paid out instantly,

00:00:17.480 even if they blow the lead later.

00:00:19.540 Sound familiar, Dale?

00:00:21.280 Thanks, Bet365.

00:00:22.920 Must be 19 or older, Ontario only.

00:00:24.420 Please play responsibly.

00:00:25.240 If you have questions or concerns about your gambling

00:00:26.660 or the gambling of someone close to you,

00:00:27.720 please go to connexontario.ca TNC Supply.

00:00:30.000 As always, the episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza, 1811 Pico Boulevard on the way to the beach.

00:00:36.860 You know, are you Italian?

00:00:38.420 You can be.

00:00:40.080 Get that hitter.

00:00:41.600 So you should know that we're all so inundated with emails now that it's no longer about responding to everything.

00:00:50.160 You know, you only respond to things that you need to respond to. 0.96

00:00:52.600 But the problem is you got so much junk.

00:00:54.660 They got so much dirty clutter out there, email clutter.

00:00:57.360 But that can change now because they have a thing called SaneBox, S-A-N-E-B-O-X, and it does the work for you.

00:01:05.740 It goes through and gets all the dirt out of there, okay?

00:01:09.620 And it keeps the messages you need to respond to.

00:01:13.960 SaneBox also has a special feature called the Sane Black Hole, where you can drag messages from annoying senders that you never want to hear from again, ever again.

00:01:23.100 Oh, I want that so bad.

00:01:25.360 We could just drag them over there. 1.00

00:01:26.460 Boom. 0.92

00:01:26.760 Use out of my life because your inbox is your life.

00:01:30.520 Now it's like your heart and your brain made one little beautiful place to get mail, but

00:01:34.780 you can use SaneBox now to magically remove distractions from your inbox with a free two

00:01:39.700 week trial.

00:01:40.520 That's right.

00:01:40.940 Just for our listeners here, we got that free two week trial for this past weekend.

00:01:45.060 Listeners visit SaneBox.com slash Theo today to start your free trial and receive a $25

00:01:51.380 credit.

00:01:52.060 That's that $25 credit.

00:01:54.980 S-A-N-E-B-O-X dot com slash T-H-E-O.

00:02:00.140 Ooh.

00:02:02.800 Ooh. 1.00

00:02:03.740 Kill them. 1.00

00:02:22.060 We'll be right back. 1.00

00:02:52.060 What's up, you little roasted cranberries?

00:03:14.720 What you guys doing?

00:03:17.440 Who's out there?

00:03:18.620 What's going on?

00:03:20.380 What's going on, boy?

00:03:23.520 Dang, man.

00:03:24.520 I've been having, you know, I get seasonal jock itch.

00:03:28.060 And this isn't an advertisement.

00:03:29.980 I actually get seasonal jock itch.

00:03:31.740 And I noticed, man, this is going to sound, I mean, I don't, sometimes for me, I'm not 0.91

00:03:40.120 saying this to everybody, but for me, sometimes my, you know, my scrotum, you know, my newts, 0.98

00:03:47.360 or nuts, that's a soft you, my nuts 0.99

00:03:51.860 it's like the inside of them will itch

00:03:56.200 and it's an impossible

00:03:58.700 it's an impossible, you can't get in there

00:04:02.460 you can't, I mean you can, the best you can do as a human

00:04:07.840 is itch the outside of your nuts, you know and I think it is that

00:04:11.880 and I'm not trying to be bass here, I'm not trying to be 0.50

00:04:14.520 base or vile. I'm not trying to be a bad little Daniel who's been out smoking dope in the yard

00:04:25.560 and hiding sugar treats, different sugar treats in the chimney and stuff like that and trying

00:04:35.500 to keep sugar treats from his brothers and sisters. I'm not trying to be like a bad Daniel.

00:04:40.680 You know, I'm just telling you that, I'm just telling you that sometimes you have an itch on the inside and you can't reach it, man.

00:04:55.600 Sometimes there's things you can't reach.

00:04:58.060 You know, there's parts of you, you can't just change and adjust with your hands. 0.95

00:05:02.620 You know, I could, look, I could scratch anything that's on the outside of my, you know, my nuts or my scrot, you know, scrotum. 0.98

00:05:11.260 And you can do any of that. 0.96

00:05:13.260 But sometimes if there's something that's inside of you, you got to go a little further.

00:05:18.300 You know, you have to go a little deeper and you have to actually do work.

00:05:22.020 You got to do work.

00:05:24.160 You know, you got to, you have to make it, you have to take the long way through your brain and through your neck and through your belly and through, you know, you got to go the long way to quell that inner itch. 0.65

00:05:36.000 You know, I can't itch the inside of my nuts.

00:05:38.280 I can only itch the outside. 0.97

00:05:39.740 But sometimes after scratching on the outside of my nuts for so long, it's just, you know, it's just I'm not really, really solving that inner, you know, that inner chicky, chicky, chicky that's in my scrotum. 0.91

00:05:57.300 And so that's where I'm at right now is, you know, I'm wanting to do that hard work. 0.97

00:06:01.920 I'm wanting to put in that dirty W, you know, that dirty work to get. 0.50

00:06:07.380 I want the inside of my nuts looking clean, boy.

00:06:10.700 You know, when I go up to Hiaven, you know, when I go up, you know, to North Hiaven, bro,

00:06:16.380 because I'm not hanging out in South Heaven.

00:06:18.840 You know, a lot of people will be like, I'm going to go to heaven.

00:06:21.400 You know, you're going to get into heaven, but what part are you going to live in? 1.00

00:06:24.340 you know you're gonna be in south heaven fuck that okay a knock knock who's there a fuck that 1.00

00:06:31.540 fuck that is here i want to live in north heaven okay i don't want to be over there in south 1.00

00:06:40.100 have more people you know popping off and you know they got you know pigeons out there you know 1.00

00:06:47.000 pigeons out there selling drugs on their wings and shit i don't want that i want to live up there 0.97

00:06:52.020 North heaven, you know, where the inside of me is, is, is just as, as pristine as the outside. 0.99

00:06:58.860 And so that's where I'm at. Sometimes today I've been thinking about, man, I want, you know,

00:07:02.000 I'm trying to scratch some of these inner itches and I can't, it's just, they're not things I can

00:07:08.100 do with my hands. There are things I got to go. I got to work harder. You know, I got to take

00:07:13.360 extra action. I got to, you know, I just have to put in the work. I have to do the work, do the

00:07:19.880 work um welcome to this past weekend i appreciate you guys being here with with uh with each other

00:07:26.460 you know and sometimes i think about like who is listening and i think like who's listening

00:07:32.080 you know who's listening you know i think about maybe it's like a um somebody that's selling

00:07:38.940 kites you know a little kite salesman a little lady you know just drop you know maybe she got

00:07:45.000 a little buggy or a little cart and she pushing that cart around you know just slinging them fake 1.00

00:07:50.940 birds baby them kites them air kites you know i think about a lady just just you know kind of she 0.99

00:07:56.960 you know she got a couple you know like a little kite buggy and she's just put you know you know

00:08:02.580 peddling them kites because people forget about kites dude before they had birds they had kites

00:08:09.480 you know and people you know and i don't know i don't even know if that's true but i don't know

00:08:17.760 what the timeline of it all is but but before they had you know at some time birds weren't

00:08:23.500 they weren't doing what they were supposed to do and so kites and so somebody made kites

00:08:29.560 you know a scientist or you know um engineer um which is basically an engineer is a scientist

00:08:36.800 that actually fucking does something okay you know let's don't for everybody wants to talk about

00:08:41.640 scientists and this and that in lab coats and people bringing their own lunch to the you know 0.99

00:08:46.640 to the lab you know and doing all that you know and somebody grilling up a little you know a can 0.97

00:08:52.800 of um anchovies on some on a on a bunsen burner fuck all of that man that's scientists but who's 0.97

00:09:01.060 really doing shit is engineers okay engineers are basically people that are they come into 0.99

00:09:09.760 they come in and they see what a scientist is doing and then they actually take it and do some 0.99

00:09:14.680 shit okay because scientists will just mill around in a laboratory their whole life mixing things 1.00

00:09:21.760 you know making one dude was in there for a month he made kool-aid like bro that ain't shit dog 1.00

00:09:28.920 You know what I'm saying? 0.99

00:09:29.900 At least come out with some, you know, something wild, some fucking guava menthol, you know, magic hitter sauce. 0.98

00:09:37.540 But engineers actually do something. 0.98

00:09:41.180 Okay, engineers actually do something.

00:09:42.820 And so that's what I think about who's out there listening to this.

00:09:45.700 You know, who's listening to this podcast, you know?

00:09:49.020 Maybe an engineer.

00:09:50.480 You know, maybe somebody that's a, who could be listening? 0.83

00:09:56.400 Oh, maybe somebody that's on a dance team, like a lady that's on like an adult dance team. 1.00

00:10:01.900 You know, she's stuck in traffic and she got sequins and all on her. 0.99

00:10:06.620 And she's sweating and so some of the sequins is getting all wet.

00:10:10.700 And she's listening to this past weekend.

00:10:13.460 Or maybe a milkman.

00:10:15.120 You know, they got a lot of milkmans out there.

00:10:17.920 And if you don't know what a milkman, a milkman is a, oh wait, what was it?

00:10:22.880 Oh, I was talking about kites, bro.

00:10:24.700 I just remembered.

00:10:25.640 Yeah, I think somebody that could be listening is a kite maker, you know, because there was a time in history.

00:10:31.860 This is where I went.

00:10:33.060 There was a time in history when birds gave up on themselves.

00:10:38.260 You know, a lot of different things happened.

00:10:39.820 Bird flu.

00:10:42.120 Some bird, you know, a bird and a pig, you know, did something.

00:10:46.500 And swine flu hit the air.

00:10:48.920 So they had bird flu and swine flu in the air at the same time. 0.97

00:10:51.820 fucking you know turkey sausage really the market went downhill that ts market and there were no 0.94

00:10:59.300 birds in the air for i don't know how long could have been six or seven years and that's when kites 0.99

00:11:04.640 were invented because people still wanted to see things in the sky you know i'm saying if you look 0.93

00:11:10.400 at the sky and there's nothing in it you get fucking bored as fuck but now that somebody made 0.99

00:11:14.620 kites and a kite is just a paper bird on a string you know it's just that one-dimensional fucking 0.99

00:11:21.200 bird you know a kite you get a kite up in there and a kite you know you get that kite up there 0.98

00:11:28.500 and you know especially if somebody's dumb or if they're a kid they think it's a bird you know 0.97

00:11:34.400 from 40 feet away a kite is a fucking bird you know that might have one you know maybe a long 0.99

00:11:39.940 you know tampon stringing or something you know i don't know what a kid thinks but uh but they had 0.97

00:11:47.820 And, you know, I picture maybe somebody like that because they had that time when birds took a break in kites and kites took over for birds and people don't give kites as much credit.

00:11:58.400 But I figure sometimes maybe somebody that's listening to this podcast is a kite is a kite person, somebody who sells kites or somebody who makes somebody who sells milk. 0.99

00:12:08.640 you know somebody out there slanging that fucking cow drip drip you know that moo moo freaking 0.98

00:12:14.260 you know that moo moo you know that moo moo shake maker milk you know that could be somebody 0.99

00:12:21.260 i think of a man driving around in his milk truck you know he's probably got a little bit of milk

00:12:25.640 coming off his mouth and i bet he keeps it there you know i bet every now and then he takes a little

00:12:30.500 sip and let some dribble out just in case the ladies see him and they want to know what he's 0.98

00:12:34.900 about and suddenly they look at his lips and they say damn this boy's about that leak leak you know 0.91

00:12:41.800 this boy's about that drip dramp and then they see that that's the kind of man they want 0.97

00:12:46.860 a kind of man that's gonna make these you know these bad babacitas drip drip and so that maybe 0.98

00:12:53.540 that's somebody that's out there you know some badass fucking milk boy riding in that leche truck 0.98

00:12:59.700 You know, you see me rolling with yogurt, trying to catch me milking, bro. 0.99

00:13:06.820 Trying to catch me milking drippy.

00:13:10.620 So who else, man?

00:13:11.460 That's who I think who listens to this, you know?

00:13:14.060 Maybe an adult lady that's kind of sweaty on a dance team or, you know, somebody's daddy.

00:13:19.380 Maybe some 50-year-old man or 70-year-old man. 1.00

00:13:22.720 He might be listening to this shit. 0.99

00:13:24.480 but whoever is listening I want you to know that uh that thank you thank you for listening 0.99

00:13:31.240 and thanks for being here with me um what was uh oh what was something I was just looking at it was

00:13:39.220 um on Twitter oh Nick Saban apologized for you know he was talking with a female reporter or

00:13:47.740 a reporter okay um he was talking with a reporter after a uh or at a halftime of a football game or

00:13:55.820 after the game and she was asking him all these questions um and she asked him about the quarterback

00:14:00.860 kind of controversy and they just won the game really handily um and you can use two quarterbacks

00:14:06.660 if you want you could use four quarterbacks in the game if you want to and his response was this

00:14:11.880 Well, I still think, well, I still like both guys, Saban said.

00:14:16.400 I think both guys can help our team, all right?

00:14:18.960 So why do you continually try to get me to say something that doesn't respect one of them?

00:14:23.180 I'm not going to, so quit asking.

00:14:26.780 And I thought that was the greatest statement that I've heard.

00:14:30.840 You know, it's interesting when guys, it's like, why can't we be honest in the face of the media?

00:14:38.600 Like why do you, why these people continually fear a lot of times, like the media has the

00:14:44.160 power.

00:14:45.400 This is one of the most powerful statements I've heard.

00:14:48.040 Like just because you can come considerably ask some, continually ask somebody something 0.99

00:14:53.540 and you're just trying to start shit. 0.98

00:14:57.000 You know, there's two young men that are in college, okay? 0.99

00:15:00.020 And yeah, they're playing in athletics in college and they're at, you know, Alabama,

00:15:05.480 which is a great college.

00:15:06.800 I'm not saying that, but, you know, they're football players.

00:15:10.820 So probably their primary focus is football.

00:15:14.160 And, you know, a secondary or segundo focus is academics.

00:15:24.120 But these are still two men, young men, whose lives are, you know, their lives and futures.

00:15:29.460 So this report about asking that kind of stuff, you're just going to get these guys to, like, say stuff and cause hell.

00:15:36.060 So I just don't understand, I guess.

00:15:38.380 What does the media get out of that?

00:15:41.300 If you keep asking about these two guys, that's just putting stress on them.

00:15:46.040 Saban solved the issue.

00:15:47.920 He has two quarterbacks played the game, and they won by 50 points or something.

00:15:52.100 It should be at that point that it's solved.

00:15:55.540 And that's what I'm saying, man. 1.00

00:15:56.540 This media is just bullshit. 1.00

00:15:59.820 What do you get out of that? 1.00

00:16:02.100 That's just hateful.

00:16:02.980 because now you have this man, you're putting him back on the spot,

00:16:06.520 even though he already, not only did he tell you it's up to him

00:16:09.740 and not only did he already let you, he let you guys know in advance,

00:16:14.320 you know, news media before the game that he's putting two quarterbacks in.

00:16:18.560 Like he's offering up all the information he can and you're not happy.

00:16:23.160 So it's not about getting information anymore then. 0.99

00:16:26.880 It's just about stirring up shit. 0.99

00:16:29.720 And I'm just so happy that Nick Saban said it. 0.99

00:16:31.680 he apologized for it after but screw that i wish he wouldn't have because at a certain point the

00:16:39.720 media yeah the media you have a right to ask questions but you also have a right if somebody 0.99

00:16:44.060 wants to call you an asshole or somebody wants to call you greedy because you know you're just 0.96

00:16:50.340 like what do you hope to get out of that if i know somebody already did something they've solved the 0.99

00:16:54.920 problem at that point it's just about me it's not about them anymore i don't really want to know

00:16:59.620 what Nick Saban. I don't really want to. There's no controversy. I respect Nick Saban for saying

00:17:06.400 this. And I loved his word choice. Why do you continually try to get me to say something that

00:17:11.000 doesn't respect one of them? Because in turn, not what he's saying, but what is also being implied

00:17:17.620 is that these news outlets, they don't respect these guys. So why try to act concerned about

00:17:23.540 the players you know if you don't respect them i if i were them i would never let those people

00:17:30.440 ask questions again but then here's where it gets tricky is the the the football the the teams have

00:17:38.780 deals with the networks and the advertisers and so that's how the advertise so they have to answer

00:17:46.340 questions of the certain network so if that's a network reporter i'm not sure it might have been

00:17:52.100 an ESPN reporter. But if it's an ESPN reporter, they have to answer that question. And I'm

00:17:56.840 not sure. I'm not sure what reporter it was. I saw it, but I didn't see the insignia on

00:18:03.480 the little microphone or whatever. But sometimes there's deals in there. So that's why he even

00:18:08.820 has to do that. And I bet somebody probably called him and said, well, look, these advertisers

00:18:15.840 pay the network. That's how we make all our money. So we need you to apologize. I don't

00:18:19.980 know if that's true I could be totally fucking wrong but I can say it if I want to you know I

00:18:25.560 can imply some things that I'm thinking and that's what I just did so I didn't mean to get heated on 0.96

00:18:30.640 that but also I did mean to fuck that man make me mad you know when I don't like getting mad 0.99

00:18:36.420 because when I get mad you know I feel like somebody turns on a little stove and it's in 0.99

00:18:42.520 the inside of me like a senior citizen here's what I feel like like a senior citizen turns

00:18:49.120 on the stove on me on the inside and forgets about the stove and just turns me on even

00:18:55.500 just light heat, basic heat, you know, heat number one or two, and they just forget about

00:19:03.020 it.

00:19:04.280 So that's how, and then I just simmer.

00:19:05.720 I got this simmer going on, boy.

00:19:08.600 And all I want to do is make tea. 0.99

00:19:10.080 That's all I want to do with my anger is make tea with it and make a, just a wily fucking 0.98

00:19:16.120 violent Detroit chamomile. 0.98

00:19:19.120 but instead, it's just the gas is just burning.

00:19:24.800 And that's how I feel sometimes when I get a little bit of anger.

00:19:27.660 That's exactly how I feel.

00:19:29.420 From now on, I want to let you know when I give you my dates,

00:19:31.220 it's going to be so fast, man.

00:19:32.360 It's going to be like 15 seconds.

00:19:33.540 Coming up next week, I'll be in Nashville,

00:19:36.180 and then I am in Toronto for three nights.

00:19:38.260 Other cities, Charlotte, Appleton, Phoenix, Buffalo, Salt Lake City,

00:19:41.480 and Washington, D.C.

00:19:43.220 Theovan.com slash tour.

00:19:44.980 See how I did that?

00:19:45.660 Oh, man.

00:19:50.020 What else was I thinking about?

00:19:57.260 Yeah, this weekend, what did I do?

00:19:58.800 I didn't do much, you know.

00:20:00.540 What happened was I started, you know, last week I was pretty depressed, you know.

00:20:05.940 Honestly, I was pretty depressed.

00:20:07.920 And sometimes my depression just hits me and it's tough.

00:20:10.420 and if my depression kind of hits me at the same time where I'm not like managing my life super

00:20:16.360 well then it can really you know create kind of crevasse you know and I fall out into that crevasse

00:20:21.720 like a dirty you know like a um you know like a little plinko chip but plinko chip and then at 0.58

00:20:28.940 the bottom instead of winning money you just got you know seitan right there with his mouth open 0.94

00:20:34.140 and I fall right out into the devil's throat and then I get lackadaisical and it all builds on

00:20:39.120 itself blah blah blah you know and that's just kind of like yeah i just got depressed this past

00:20:44.120 week uh and it carried over into the weekend and then um yesterday things started getting better

00:20:49.280 because i started just moving my feet you know i started moving my feet uh i started moving my feet

00:20:55.040 and that was it sometimes i don't think you know sometimes i don't think super well and so when i

00:20:59.760 don't when i when my brain isn't helping me i have to use my feet feet first you know and my brain

00:21:05.880 will follow. If you move your feet, your thoughts will follow. That is it. If you're just sitting

00:21:11.380 there thinking about moving your feet, they may never move. But if you move those mofeets, 0.95

00:21:17.000 you move those mother feeders, then your brain's going to follow right behind them. 0.94

00:21:22.800 That's how it works for me. We had some good calls that came in. I want to let you know you

00:21:29.340 can hit the hotline here 985-664-9503 you can always hit the hotline if you're struggling

00:21:37.820 if you are not struggling you have a comment on something we're talking about you want to

00:21:42.740 you know be a part of the show you want to anything be a part of the show 985-664-9503

00:21:50.280 that's toll free and that's it you know you can hit that hotline and the intro music today was

00:21:56.900 by jameson flood and that man was named after damn just intense water can you imagine can you

00:22:04.320 imagine when his mother's water broke at birth it must have been a naughty naughty just just 0.84

00:22:10.440 drams and drams of just that you know that humanity h2o just flying out of mama if they

00:22:18.960 named him flood and that's jameson flood and that's not even that's an unclickable link there's not 0.79

00:22:23.800 even a link you can go to get that to get that fucking you know that magic that sound magic 0.81

00:22:29.760 so this is uh that's just something he emailed me and uh he's called it a smoky little beat 0.89

00:22:37.080 so if you if your eyes start itching that's because that's a smoky little beat by jameson flood

00:22:41.740 um let's uh let's take somebody's call man this call we're flowing right in man here we go

00:22:47.520 So this was a caller about last week's music.

00:22:51.180 Hey, Mike from West Virginia.

00:22:53.280 Mike from West Virginia, boy.

00:22:56.120 In West Virginia, man, that's the kind of place where, you know, you might be, you know, you might go over to a girl's place and start hooking up with her.

00:23:06.060 And next thing you know, you know, y'all live in this, you know what I'm saying?

00:23:10.600 It's your house, actually, you at, you know, that's where that sibling lot, you know, that sibling rivalry. 0.95

00:23:16.240 sometimes the rivalry is fucking you know and there's nothing wrong with that i mean there's 0.96

00:23:21.220 there's something wrong with it you shouldn't be here's what my here's what i you know here's what 0.97

00:23:26.380 was always said around me when i was growing up if you if you rearrange the letters of sister

00:23:32.140 it spells resist and that's the truth boy so that's the rule right there you know if you guys

00:23:41.560 If both of y'all have the same parents, then, you know what I'm saying, you guys, no candles at dinner.

00:23:50.400 You know what I'm saying?

00:23:51.460 Keep it classy. 0.69

00:23:52.860 But you know, legally, it's legally okay to marry and engage sensually with a first cousin.

00:24:00.160 I believe that's the truth.

00:24:03.540 Because, and a lot of this is just a long time ago. 0.98

00:24:05.980 Dude, back in the day, man, see if you got an erection. 0.98

00:24:09.460 First of all, you know this, that the first time people got erections, they thought it was, you know, their penis was trying to tell them where something was. 0.99

00:24:20.860 You know, it was like your penis, it was just a little, like having like a little meat lassie. 0.99

00:24:26.500 You know, you know how when lassie kind of tells you what's going on? 1.00

00:24:28.940 That's what a penis was like. 0.99

00:24:30.320 Because suddenly you're walking around and you get that hitter. 1.00

00:24:33.540 You get that sheboygan, you know.

00:24:35.540 You get that weee, Scanson, you know.

00:24:39.460 You get that, you know, that direct wiener. 0.98

00:24:44.380 And some people, dude, when you think about an erection, think about this. 1.00

00:24:49.180 A lot of you ladies out there, you don't know that. 1.00

00:24:52.860 When you first get an erection, you don't know what it is. 1.00

00:24:56.720 Okay?

00:24:57.840 And I remember thinking something was trying to get out of my body.

00:25:04.260 And I even remember this, man.

00:25:05.960 This is almost embarrassing to say, but I thought it was.

00:25:08.400 because you know if you have poops in your body and this is a little grotesque and I don't mean

00:25:13.680 for it to be but I'm not I'm not not going to share things I've thought about because they

00:25:20.320 might be a little grotesque at times if you've had ever poops in your you know and everybody has

00:25:23.940 poops in their body but when you're young you're still learning about all of that in your body 0.92

00:25:27.840 you know you still you know you don't know what's going on and one of your nipples is real hard and

00:25:31.920 you know when you got an ear infection and you got tubes in your ears and you got braces and

00:25:36.920 And, you know, one of your legs clicks when you walk.

00:25:39.180 You know, you're still learning.

00:25:40.820 Everything's still kind of happening. 0.93

00:25:42.360 But I remember when I first got an erection, I thought it was like a poop was trying to get out of my body and it had gone the wrong way. 0.87

00:25:52.480 And I remember thinking like, oh, my God, dude. 0.78

00:25:56.200 like a bunch of, or not a bunch, but at least one kind of decently long poop

00:26:03.920 has, you know, got caught up in some type of deal

00:26:09.320 when it's headed the wrong direction.

00:26:12.180 And that's what I thought.

00:26:13.480 I just remember being like, oh, my God.

00:26:17.060 How, you know, how do I get this poop to turn around inside of my body?

00:26:23.160 And I remember actually praying about it.

00:26:25.840 I remember praying and praying, and it went away. 0.95

00:26:32.140 And it went away just naturally as an erection, you know?

00:26:35.460 Because erection, they don't, you know, they hang out for a little bit,

00:26:39.380 and then they go.

00:26:42.220 You know, it's basically like the Punxsutawney feel of your pants, you know?

00:26:45.360 They show up, maybe they see a shadow, maybe they, you know,

00:26:49.520 looking for a little lady or something, and they go on.

00:26:52.520 And that's what happened.

00:26:53.400 And I was like, oh, my God, thank God it turned around, you know. 0.97

00:26:56.500 And then at a different point, I asked my brother about it, and he told me that's an erection.

00:27:01.920 But I remember hearing all kinds of stories from my friends about what they thought erections were.

00:27:07.140 You know, and people had all different ideas about erections and what they could be.

00:27:12.940 And maybe we'll do an episode about that, like just like, you know, the different things that you thought an erection was. 0.97

00:27:17.900 you know because a lot of women don't realize that when you get there's no real reason for 1.00

00:27:23.780 part of your body to suddenly turn hard you know unless a wizard put a spell on you you know you

00:27:30.940 know immediatus rigor mortis you know you there's no real reason for it um anyhow let's go on man

00:27:38.400 let's hear a little bit more thank you for calling there uh mike from west virginia just wanted to

00:27:43.220 share something uh just started the the podcast uh that you just put out and you play that that

00:27:49.720 tiny sand who oh yeah that tiny sand who cover oh paradise city man dude that took me way back 0.53

00:27:59.240 to 1988 dude when i was five years old with my aunt my aunt was cool as shit man hell yeah dude 0.76

00:28:08.020 well first of all your aunt must have been cool she letting you listen to guns and roses at five

00:28:12.100 years old man that's really really classy bro i love that actually that's beautiful to think

00:28:17.140 about onward and my cousin was three years older than me and he had that cd he was like eight

00:28:23.640 years older he had that cd uh guns and roses appetite for destruction dude and anytime i 0.57

00:28:30.340 would go there we would jam that shit all kinds of musical man that took me back and i just wanted 0.96

00:28:35.540 to want to thank you and tiny sand who that was that was cool as shit man all right brother i'll 0.97

00:28:42.120 be listening have a have a good day you have a good day too man you know what's in you i don't 0.53

00:28:48.740 know where you well i know where you're from from west virginia but that's just uh you know that's

00:28:53.900 a state but you know i can tell just by the sound of your voice wherever you are that's where i'm

00:28:58.440 from right where you right rigs whatever you're saying that is i can just i'm from that place i'm

00:29:05.620 from where somebody in my neighborhood had that appetite for destruction dude and we put that on

00:29:10.220 and we lost our minds bro we lost our minds dude i remember this people love that music so much one

00:29:18.620 dude this dude named eddie he had this drop top you know it was a convertible actually i don't

00:29:24.460 even know if it was a convertible i think someone honestly maybe somebody might have stole the top

00:29:29.140 of his car because they had a summer in our in our neighborhood where somebody stole the top of

00:29:34.540 everybody's car and um and they ended up busting the person they were trying to make a boat

00:29:39.360 and so i guess they thought if they got enough car tops it would kind of make a boat you know

00:29:45.960 and i could see that i could see how that would work so but anyhow you know and eddie was the

00:29:54.440 the smoothest dude bro you know he was about five feet tall but he had about seven feet of hair 1.00

00:30:00.360 bro i mean just a damn just a fucking just like a falcon that flew right out of the asshole of 1.00

00:30:07.740 just of the dang lord you know and just landed right in our damn neighborhood and i mean he 1.00

00:30:14.900 used to let us touch his hair and and it wasn't sexual or nothing he was just it was just like 0.99

00:30:20.520 he just brought up you know it was like he just been out you know riding a couple horses and he

00:30:24.700 just brought him in to drink water and he let us stand there and touch him while he was drinking

00:30:27.960 water and that was us just touching on you know he had beautiful hair anyhow so he had a um he had

00:30:35.300 a ford mustang convertible or just a ford or just some kind of car he basically had some kind of car

00:30:40.020 and he had appetite for destruction dude paradise city and he put that thing in and uh and this

00:30:48.720 might have been even when it was tapes this might have been having cds and he had a couple local

00:30:53.740 yeah you know he found a couple of local bad birds over there and they lived over near the

00:30:58.420 they said it was a river but it really it was a kind of a sewage outlet kind of a creek slash

00:31:04.580 kind of drainage they call it drainage um and and he had he found out they had a couple ladies

00:31:13.240 that lived over there 0.93

00:31:13.920 near the drainage

00:31:14.620 and he had them

00:31:17.340 standing in the car,

00:31:19.080 standing up

00:31:19.940 on the back seat

00:31:21.300 and he would drive

00:31:22.080 up and down the street

00:31:22.780 and play that.

00:31:24.380 Paradise,

00:31:25.060 won't you please

00:31:26.260 take me home?

00:31:28.100 I want to know.

00:31:30.160 I want to go. 1.00

00:31:31.980 And these chicks 1.00

00:31:32.720 would just dance 1.00

00:31:33.540 and dance

00:31:34.060 and one time

00:31:34.880 he gassed it

00:31:38.680 a little hard

00:31:39.220 and one of them

00:31:39.740 just fell right off

00:31:40.900 the back, dude.

00:31:41.680 Right on out 1.00

00:31:42.160 of the fucking street, bro. 1.00

00:31:43.940 And we still fucking sang and 1.00

00:31:46.120 partied, dude. We didn't care. 0.99

00:31:47.800 Because that song was beautiful, dude.

00:31:49.580 Bro, they had a family, the Wilsons, that lived about

00:31:51.880 two blocks from me growing up.

00:31:54.540 And I remember when I was young,

00:31:56.080 the Wilsons,

00:31:57.720 their family was wild. And the mother

00:31:59.940 had passed away.

00:32:01.800 You know, the mother Wilson, I don't remember what happened

00:32:03.960 to her, man. She had died, you know.

00:32:05.660 And they had her ashes on the

00:32:07.820 mantle. But this family

00:32:09.740 when a lot of Guns N' Roses and Rock N' Roll

00:32:11.980 music would come on they blindfold the whole family would get blindfolded right or tie something

00:32:17.320 around their head and just mosh pit in the living room the daddy and three boys okay and they would 0.95

00:32:24.060 just be fucking mosh pit and run losing their minds dude and that's how they showed affection 0.97

00:32:29.560 to one another you know it's really beautiful to think about it different ways you know different 1.00

00:32:34.240 You know, there's a, there's a, some type of animal, I think it's a marmoset or something.

00:32:45.420 But if they get upset, if they love another animal, they rip its head off.

00:32:51.420 That's how they show it love, dude.

00:32:53.540 That's crazy. 1.00

00:32:55.420 Flamingos, if you know this or not, if they love another flamingo, they'll like shit by it. 0.99

00:33:01.440 That ain't no Valentine's Day 0.99

00:33:09.320 As far as I'm concerned

00:33:10.240 But to Flamingos

00:33:11.600 That's their universe

00:33:12.900 Different people have different ways

00:33:14.700 Of showing affections

00:33:15.520 But the Wilson family 0.50

00:33:16.940 They would get

00:33:17.660 And they had one son

00:33:19.220 This boy named Yikes

00:33:20.460 Yikes was his name

00:33:22.000 You know kind of like

00:33:24.160 You know like Yikes

00:33:26.500 Like you're scared

00:33:29.620 But still trying to seem kind of cool

00:33:31.200 and he

00:33:32.860 but the family

00:33:34.220 I remember 1.00

00:33:34.560 they were fucking 0.99

00:33:35.140 raging one night 0.99

00:33:36.360 everybody's got

00:33:36.900 you know

00:33:37.240 blindfold

00:33:37.840 and one of them

00:33:39.420 had like a sleeping

00:33:40.820 mask that like

00:33:41.780 a senior citizen 0.99

00:33:42.600 would wear 1.00

00:33:43.040 like a

00:33:43.560 like a supermodel

00:33:45.220 kind of wears

00:33:45.680 when they sleep

00:33:46.400 and

00:33:47.260 and the daddy

00:33:48.540 had a

00:33:49.260 a

00:33:50.760 just a shirt

00:33:51.900 kind of tied

00:33:52.480 around his eyes

00:33:53.220 you know

00:33:53.540 real tight

00:33:54.120 and they were just

00:33:54.560 losing their minds

00:33:55.900 just listening to

00:33:56.540 Guns N' Roses

00:33:57.040 in the living room

00:33:57.620 I wanna know

00:33:58.700 I wanna go

00:34:00.180 I want your

00:34:01.060 and somebody swung their arm and uh and i think it was yikes and knocked the mother's urn 0.95

00:34:09.220 the urn of ashes into the air and they don't fucking know it but i know it i'm watching 0.78

00:34:15.600 and i saw these four boys dude just dancing to paradise city just in their mother's ashes bro 0.91

00:34:22.460 as the ashes just fill in the room you know just you know and they're just losing their 0.96

00:34:28.460 fucking minds mosh pitting and uh and it was beautiful you know it's just beautiful to see 0.95

00:34:35.400 that family together you know even in the kind of this cryptic sort of wild kind of you know bad 0.99

00:34:42.100 dancing sort of sense and then one of the kids one time they were doing that stuff blindfolding

00:34:47.560 and dancing and having fun together and showing love and uh one of them blindfolded themselves

00:34:52.880 with a plastic bag over their whole head

00:34:55.340 and ended up in a coma, I think, or something.

00:35:00.340 So yeah, and he might have died.

00:35:01.820 I don't think he died, but he did not die.

00:35:07.600 So we'll just leave it right there.

00:35:08.880 But I remember those times, man, and I love that.

00:35:10.820 I love when music takes you back to a place.

00:35:13.760 You know, and sometimes I wonder

00:35:14.600 if our brains can remember everything that we've ever done.

00:35:18.400 We just need to be, we need a clue.

00:35:21.180 like we need a reminder

00:35:22.960 like sometimes I'll walk in somebody's house

00:35:25.400 and I'll smell

00:35:26.080 and I'll be like oh this smells like

00:35:29.080 so and so's house

00:35:30.700 you know where they used to

00:35:32.480 raise snakes you know

00:35:34.900 and it'll

00:35:37.580 take me back there

00:35:38.540 oh this reminds me of

00:35:40.880 the gravel here reminds me of

00:35:43.280 the gravel of

00:35:44.920 this hunting camp that we used to

00:35:47.520 go to or this fishing camp we used to go to

00:35:49.240 and suddenly I'm back there with all the memories.

00:35:51.640 It's like sometimes I just, I wonder if our brains can hold it all.

00:35:55.080 We just have to have a clue, you know, or a moment to help us access.

00:36:01.760 Last week's episode, we talked a little bit about, you know,

00:36:05.100 commitment and feelings like that.

00:36:07.300 And so I just want to, you guys had some calls in response

00:36:11.980 to some of the stuff that I was feeling.

00:36:14.060 So I wanted to hear some of you guys' thoughts.

00:36:15.480 Here we go.

00:36:15.900 Yo, Theo, this is Nicholas from China, Canada, man.

00:36:18.780 Hey, Nicholas in Toronto, and I'll be coming up there September 20th through the 22nd or something like that.

00:36:26.680 But the tickets are all available right now.

00:36:28.720 I am doing three nights in Toronto.

00:36:30.280 Onward.

00:36:30.880 I'm listening to that group think episode and trying to validate your feelings, man,

00:36:36.200 because a lot of stuff you're saying that you think in your head about relationships

00:36:40.260 and not being able to commit properly in a healthy way, just all that kind of stuff.

00:36:47.140 you were just saying a lot of stuff that I've literally thought to myself

00:36:50.340 forbade them and cool man I'm glad that um yeah I mean I'm glad we can have some

00:36:57.160 of the same uh you know thoughts and ideas uh onward I think a lot of it has

00:37:02.100 to do with just like a lot of childhood stuff they say all your relationships are

00:37:06.240 based off how your relationship with your parents was so have a great one man

00:37:11.140 love you and appreciate everything you do for us have a good one thanks for

00:37:15.540 calling in man i appreciate that as you said a lot of the things the relationships we have the

00:37:20.420 way we behave in them are based on the relationship we had as a as a child you know um so yeah so

00:37:28.160 oh sorry so i guess oh that's my brother right there hey bud not much man i'm on the podcast

00:37:38.560 right now. How are you?

00:37:40.720 I'm good. I'm good.

00:37:42.940 How's the beach going?

00:37:45.780 I'm good.

00:37:46.880 I mean, it's pretty dry today.

00:37:49.120 It was wet yesterday, though.

00:37:51.420 Nice. The kids look like they were having fun.

00:37:53.080 I saw that picture of them in the sand.

00:37:55.340 Oh, yeah. That was good.

00:37:57.580 I've been having a good time with the

00:37:58.960 sandcastle this morning.

00:38:01.340 Swimming in the pool, throwing the ball.

00:38:04.760 It's been pretty good.

00:38:06.320 That's awesome, dude.

00:38:08.560 On trips, I'm usually, you know, I don't do much on trips, but I'm trying to do more of this time.

00:38:15.900 Well, good for you, man.

00:38:16.660 It's hard to, I bet it's hard to probably, because it's a time for you to rest, but there's probably no, sometimes there's just no rest.

00:38:24.860 No, I mean, a while back, I realized the difference between a vacation and a family trip.

00:38:32.920 A vacation is if I'm going to relax and rest.

00:38:36.380 family trip

00:38:38.360 is

00:38:38.920 I'm going on a trip

00:38:40.080 for my family.

00:38:42.400 Ah.

00:38:43.880 So,

00:38:44.480 you know,

00:38:44.820 I've been trying to

00:38:46.600 track myself the right way.

00:38:47.820 It's a family trip

00:38:48.520 for sure.

00:38:49.780 Right.

00:38:50.380 I don't go into it

00:38:51.260 expecting too much

00:38:52.200 consistent

00:38:53.940 rest and relaxation.

00:38:55.940 Oh,

00:38:56.460 good for you,

00:38:57.060 dude.

00:38:57.620 Yeah,

00:38:58.060 that's true.

00:38:58.600 I guess if you're

00:38:59.200 thinking this is a vacation

00:39:01.280 but it's a family trip,

00:39:03.540 you're just going to be

00:39:04.720 disappointed. 0.83

00:39:06.380 If you go in, if you go somewhere with three kids and a wife,

00:39:10.920 do you think it's a vacation? 1.00

00:39:13.240 Go ahead.

00:39:17.380 Awesome, man.

00:39:18.260 Well, I'm going to finish up this podcast.

00:39:20.660 I'll call you when I get done, man.

00:39:22.300 Yeah, no problem.

00:39:23.000 Love you.

00:39:23.360 All right, love you too, bud.

00:39:27.140 That was my brother right there.

00:39:28.300 Sorry, I'll probably just keep that in.

00:39:31.280 My brother's at the beach, dude.

00:39:33.700 He got to take his kids down there.

00:39:36.380 Yeah, it's funny.

00:39:38.400 I was looking at, I love my brother so much, man.

00:39:41.420 I love him so much.

00:39:46.800 You know, sorry to say, I mean, sentimental.

00:39:52.820 I love hearing my brother's voice, you know.

00:39:56.720 What were we, we were just, okay, well, let's talk about what we were just talking about

00:40:01.860 with the call.

00:40:02.560 Well, you know, the relationships you had as a child, that'll be determined how relationships you have as an adult.

00:40:13.840 And so I'm guessing the ones with your parents, men and women.

00:40:16.620 And so this goes right in actually even my brother just calling.

00:40:21.500 You know, my father and I did not have a relationship.

00:40:24.640 The more I think about it, I've tried to search inside of myself to find what our relationship was.

00:40:30.240 We had some moments that we shared, but we did not have a real relationship at all.

00:40:37.740 So fast forward that now, you know, one of the things, even just hearing my brother getting to talk to him, right?

00:40:47.400 You know, getting to talk to my brother, and he's at the beach with his kids.

00:40:52.420 You know, they're in Florida or somewhere.

00:40:54.240 You know, Florida, dude. 0.98

00:40:56.260 Fucking the closest I got to Florida as a kid was just seeing it on a T-shirt. 1.00

00:41:00.040 Just seeing somebody had a shirt that said fucking Florida on it. 0.98

00:41:04.660 So to see him now, like, there with his kids and, like, you know, and not only thinking about, you know, just thinking about, you know, telling me what the difference between a vacation and a family trip is, you know, it's just, I mean, it all just blows my mind. 0.96

00:41:18.240 Because I didn't have a relationship with my dad, so then the relationship with my brother, you know, or with men growing up, like, I've never really had a really good relationship with a lot of men.

00:41:28.000 You know, I think I've always wanted more of one, but I never really have known how to put together some of the pieces.

00:41:33.020 So, you know, even in the last few years, having better friendships and better guys that I can call and talk to.

00:41:39.100 I mean, I had friends growing up, but I always felt like something was wrong with the connection.

00:41:47.120 um so now you know i really it's really it's awesome to me to have connection with uh with

00:41:54.560 other men and to be able to connect to them you know and to be able to not just you know i can

00:42:00.380 bro out and joke around forever i'll joke around all day dude you know i'll joke around till my

00:42:05.440 lips fall off bro you know and end up in somebody's damn boots or something but but not you know but 0.64

00:42:13.420 But just to actually have a real connection, that's, you know, that's nice. 0.97

00:42:18.920 And so anyway, that's just a nice moment to get to think about my brother and his family at the beach brings me a lot of joy.

00:42:25.140 And just to know that his kids are down there having fun, you know, with their dad.

00:42:29.460 And we grew up in the same environment, and there just wasn't a lot of love in the house.

00:42:33.520 There was a lot of good stuff, but there was not a lot of love.

00:42:38.020 And there was not a lot of connection.

00:42:39.560 So for him to care about those things, that just means a lot to me.

00:42:44.020 You know, it makes me feel, it makes me feel, it makes me feel hopeful that that kind of stuff is in my, inside of me too.

00:42:56.520 You know, when I see my brother able to do those things, I think the truth is, it gives me hope that those things are inside of me as well.

00:43:04.560 you know the ability to have that commitment and connection um and to make that a real thing 0.97

00:43:12.880 you know and some people might be like well Theo quit whining about this kind of shit you know 0.98

00:43:16.420 you're talking about all you're thinking about shit too much well that's fine bro but I want to 0.99

00:43:20.900 think about this kind of stuff you know I want to think about you know and I want to feel about who 0.98

00:43:27.540 I am you know I like it I you know I like trying to learn more about why I behave a certain way

00:43:35.340 and you know I want to I want to be happy so I'm gonna I don't know I don't know what I'm doing

00:43:46.820 all the time but but I'm gonna keep my feet moving that's what I'm gonna do you know this 0.98

00:43:52.820 week got the best of me at some points but not today motherfuckers I'm keeping my feet moving 0.97

00:43:57.820 but yeah I think um but it's true some of the relationships we had growing up and it's true 0.96

00:44:03.700 how I treat women it's hard for me to connect um I feel uncomfortable um and you know uh

00:44:14.020 and it's just it's tough it's tough uh for me to think of a long-term connection probably because

00:44:20.140 when I was young, in my connection with my mother, I didn't think that it was long-term.

00:44:24.660 It never felt like it was going to be long-term. And it wasn't. I was emancipated at 14. Before

00:44:31.020 that, I was sleeping on friends. For a year and a half, I was sleeping over at friends' houses.

00:44:36.080 And that was it. And that was a lot of it. And we have a relationship now. But

00:44:43.060 at that point in my life, that's what a relationship with a woman was.

00:44:48.060 and it had been disjointed since I was a child.

00:44:51.620 You know, I never, you know, I remember asking my mother a few years ago.

00:44:56.760 I tried this landmark forum thing and it's where you go and it's like a seminar thing

00:45:01.140 and different things work for different people.

00:45:03.080 So I don't shot any of that stuff, you know, unless they're out there shaving sheep 1.00

00:45:07.320 and, you know, looking in your asshole with a flashlight or something. 1.00

00:45:09.980 Some of that shit could be shady, you know, if you're up over there at Sheep Shavers Union 1.00

00:45:14.880 over there in uh in South Carolina that's shit y'all need to shut it down shut it down but this 0.99

00:45:21.780 seemed you know like more normal and um and I remember at one of the breaks they're like you 0.99

00:45:28.580 know go talk to somebody in your life uh and ask them a question you've always wanted to ask them

00:45:35.080 and I remember it just came into my head I went to ask my mom if she loved me when I was a kid

00:45:39.220 that's I called her and asked her man and I was blubbering I was blubbering in tears I was like 0.99

00:45:43.800 an idiot. And I just asked her if she loved me when I was a child because I didn't, I 0.98

00:45:51.780 didn't, I didn't know in my, it's not that I didn't know, my feelings didn't know. You

00:46:00.260 know, there's a difference between you telling me something or me thinking something and

00:46:03.840 me feeling it. And, and I asked her, I said, you know, did you, did you love me when I

00:46:09.260 was a kid and she say yes she did you know um but i'd never felt it and so i needed that i needed to

00:46:16.180 at least hear her say it uh anyhow i've been rambling off on that let's get to a few more

00:46:20.980 questions here man are a few this these are more comments from last week we're talking about

00:46:24.340 commitment here's a couple more uh thoughts that came in and we'll get to some a couple of questions

00:46:28.660 onward hey what's up uncle von this is alexis calling you from el paso texas what's up alexis

00:46:35.240 from el paso and uh uncle von it is onward brother mi amigo triple town i was just into

00:46:42.300 your podcast man just right now i finished it oh thank you for listening alexis i appreciate you

00:46:47.420 brother and uh el paso is the only city in america where i was on the interstate once and i saw a

00:46:53.400 human feces travel right across somebody had thrown it over the interstate and they got people

00:47:01.720 under the interstates over there just humming turds out there just straight up lobbing tees

00:47:06.740 up in the air and just just you know just just lobbing turrets over across the interstate and

00:47:14.460 i've never seen a human feces just fly like that across the interstate and um you know and i guess 0.98

00:47:21.220 i'm like fuck dude they don't have birds or kites around here they just making damn just body kites 0.99

00:47:26.700 you know and just just lobbing turrets out here onward and uh you're talking about that marriage 0.99

00:47:32.600 you know talking about that being together with somebody and just you know like commitment and uh 0.81

00:47:39.540 i think i think i know a little bit about commitment man i've been fucking i've been married for nine 0.92

00:47:44.620 years eight years eight years nine years or eight years bro dude you know you're committed when 0.95

00:47:50.720 you've already said nine that's a freudian slip right there you know when it's only eight and

00:47:54.740 you said nine that is commitment man uh mas mas years and a half something like that 0.80

00:47:59.900 probably fucking should know that but um i was training 17 when i got married and uh 0.95

00:48:07.220 wow 17 when you got married that is that's a quinceanera that's birthday 0.99

00:48:13.700 say senera and then the siete senera boy damn boy that siete senera was for a vieira onward 0.95

00:48:24.120 it's worked out for me man 0.99

00:48:26.920 I fucking have a wonderful life 0.99

00:48:28.580 you know my wife 0.99

00:48:30.180 my kids I just had a little daughter

00:48:32.800 and

00:48:33.620 oh congratulations man that's awesome

00:48:36.200 you know I love hearing you say you have a wonderful

00:48:39.120 life

00:48:39.740 you know cause it's about that it's about your perspective

00:48:43.160 of it you know

00:48:44.580 and you can hear it in your voice you sound happy man

00:48:47.020 you sound so happy

00:48:49.180 dude onward 0.94

00:48:49.740 it's fucking badass man I love it 0.85

00:48:51.660 and I think it's just a two-person thing, you know? 0.98

00:48:54.720 You gotta fucking just go straight out 0.99

00:48:57.280 and let her know where you're fucking thinking, 1.00

00:48:59.580 you know, where you're at, what you want, 0.99

00:49:01.680 where you, you know?

00:49:02.740 I just told her, the first thing I told my wife was 0.99

00:49:05.060 fucking, you know, I fucking love you 1.00

00:49:08.040 and I want to fucking be with you. 1.00

00:49:11.040 I don't know, man. 0.99

00:49:12.060 I'm a little hot. 0.96

00:49:13.260 I don't fucking enjoy it, but hey, 1.00

00:49:15.020 it's been working, man, and I fucking love your shit. 0.99

00:49:18.060 Keep on doing what you're doing, man. 1.00

00:49:19.280 Gracias, man. Igualmente, bro. Igualmente, mi amor, hermano.

00:49:26.260 That's great, man. I love my wife. I'm fucking high.

00:49:30.260 That's great. Good for you, man. Look, you sound happy, dude. 1.00

00:49:33.140 You sound happy to me. And I applaud you, brother.

00:49:36.760 And you sound like you love your family.

00:49:39.020 And those are the, you know, that's the most important thing.

00:49:41.600 You know, you're happy and you love your family.

00:49:44.920 Dude, what greater gifts could we have in the world?

00:49:47.380 you know your kids are growing up feeling loved by their father dang boy that's deep

00:49:53.480 that's the deepest waters bro you know that's the most beautiful that's the most beautiful

00:50:00.860 turd in el paso right there bro you know and i don't mean that in a derogatory sense but i'm

00:50:06.300 saying it's that love boy just that air just that body just that body uh time capsule bro

00:50:15.620 Dude, a turd is just a time capsule.

00:50:18.880 That's all it is, man.

00:50:21.340 That's all it is.

00:50:22.220 A turd is just a time capsule.

00:50:24.340 Let's hear another call.

00:50:25.200 Thank you for calling, brother.

00:50:26.400 Onward.

00:50:27.320 Theo, what's up?

00:50:28.260 This is Riley from Phoenix, Arizona.

00:50:31.280 What's up, Riley from Phoenix?

00:50:33.260 I'll be in Phoenix October 27th with Brennan Shalvin, Ari Shafir, and Brian Callens.

00:50:41.900 Onward.

00:50:42.200 calling in, was listening to your thoughts on commitment

00:50:46.040 and how you struggle with that as well.

00:50:48.440 This is definitely something I struggle with.

00:50:50.620 And just thinking on it, it's like you're playing with house money.

00:50:54.420 If you don't fully give yourself, if you don't fully commit,

00:50:57.500 you're all right if bad things happen.

00:50:59.380 And that has kind of always followed me.

00:51:02.380 That's an interesting point, man.

00:51:03.720 Yeah, if you don't fully commit, then you're okay.

00:51:08.140 Because if bad things happen, you weren't all the way in anyway.

00:51:12.740 If you ain't swimming around in the water and you're just sitting on the pool with your legs in there, you know, and your thoughts and some of your feelings, you're throwing some of your feelings out into the water, but you're still sitting on the side or you're holding on to the side of the pool.

00:51:27.560 And if the water goes out of the pool, shit fall, then you weren't all the way in anyway.

00:51:32.360 So if that pool is the relationship and the water goes out, you weren't fully invested anyway. 0.97

00:51:37.200 You're still holding on to the side.

00:51:38.600 You're still sitting over there.

00:51:39.760 You know, maybe having a couple of Hershey cups or whatever, peanut butter, you know, snack cups.

00:51:46.200 But if you're out there swimming, then you're taking those chances with your emotions. 0.99

00:51:50.800 You're putting your fucking emotions out there in that chlorine. 0.99

00:51:55.580 So, yeah, it's, yeah. 1.00

00:51:59.460 Here's the crazy thing for me, though.

00:52:00.800 I can't tell if I'm all the way in.

00:52:02.320 You know, I can't feel if I'm, I think I'm all the way in sometimes.

00:52:09.760 I think there's just some fears inside of me that are just like barnacles inside of me that grip onto the edge of the pool no matter what.

00:52:22.000 And that's where I'm at now.

00:52:23.360 I'm in there trying to work away.

00:52:24.880 I'm trying to get that scratch out of the inside of me. 0.68

00:52:28.500 I'm trying to get in and do that work on the inside of me so that I ain't out here just scratching my nuts all the time. 0.78

00:52:35.980 I'm digging that itch out from the inside. 0.69

00:52:38.380 Onward, brother.

00:52:39.180 and this relationship gain out here you know like i only put in 75 because if something bad happens

00:52:45.660 i was never really fully in to get hurt but you know just out here thinking about it you got the

00:52:50.920 wheel turning man you make me think about stuff sometimes which is dope i appreciate it i appreciate

00:52:56.320 you dude i appreciate you calling i appreciate you thinking and uh and i appreciate you sharing

00:53:01.160 that thought if you don't go all the way in then of course you're not how do you expect it to work

00:53:06.100 how do you expect something to work

00:53:09.900 if you ain't all the way into it anyway

00:53:11.560 wow dude

00:53:13.620 I'm not talking to anybody I'm talking to myself

00:53:15.840 you know how do I expect

00:53:22.400 how do I expect

00:53:25.880 to really feel loved by somebody

00:53:27.640 and to feel the

00:53:29.600 to really feel the love

00:53:32.060 and the joy of a

00:53:33.980 relationship

00:53:34.600 of a connection

00:53:36.620 if I'm not doing my part.

00:53:44.280 You know, if I'm not wholeheartedly

00:53:46.240 putting myself in there. 0.97

00:53:54.160 Then how the fuck do I really expect 0.97

00:53:56.700 something great to come out of that? 0.52

00:53:59.120 It's not even, it's really not even possible.

00:54:01.540 because I'm trying to get

00:54:03.680 if she's got 50%

00:54:05.680 and I'm only putting in 40

00:54:08.180 but I'm expecting

00:54:11.120 for the relationship to show

00:54:13.340 100%

00:54:14.420 and then I'll still sit there 0.99

00:54:17.260 and fucking be disappointed 0.99

00:54:18.460 like oh this relationship 0.99

00:54:20.420 this isn't it

00:54:22.140 of course it isn't it 0.99

00:54:24.100 because I got that fucking 1.00

00:54:28.840 you know 0.99

00:54:29.420 I'm keeping one of my cards over here by me

00:54:32.320 Because ain't nobody getting all my cards

00:54:35.480 Ain't nobody getting all my percents

00:54:37.640 Oh man, dude

00:54:41.360 You know, sometimes I just

00:54:43.860 You know, I love

00:54:45.060 I'm grateful

00:54:47.420 I'm grateful to be alive

00:54:48.440 I feel good

00:54:49.160 But 0.99

00:54:50.480 Sometimes I wish on some of this emotional shit 0.99

00:54:54.500 I was just 0.99

00:54:54.940 I was smoother, bro

00:54:56.320 man I wish I was smoother

00:54:59.520 I wish I just didn't 0.99

00:55:01.580 have so many fucking hangups 0.99

00:55:03.460 and it's like dude take it easy take it easy 1.00

00:55:05.040 and I am I'm taking it easy bro

00:55:07.240 but if I don't try to work on myself

00:55:09.680 and do something better then I'll tell you

00:55:11.640 exactly where I here's where I end up

00:55:13.500 I end up

00:55:15.580 yeah I end up with you know

00:55:18.520 just kind of serially probably dating

00:55:21.340 getting into relationships here and there

00:55:22.820 and never probably having a healthy family 0.96

00:55:25.400 that's where i end up so and that's why i fucking care 0.79

00:55:32.220 you know that's why i care so anyway uh thank you so much for your call man let's hear one 0.99

00:55:40.880 more about the commitment and then we'll get into a couple of uh dude we have some ridiculous shit 1.00

00:55:44.280 i can't believe that dude said uh i you know the latino dude is like a fucking you know 1.00

00:55:51.120 Sometimes you just gotta fucking, fucking, tell her you fucking love her, bro. 1.00

00:55:56.620 You know? 1.00

00:55:57.360 Melanzuela was our dad's name, Richie.

00:55:59.940 You know?

00:56:02.520 Udana.

00:56:04.320 Yo, Theo, this is Tim out of Virginia.

00:56:08.400 Listen, I was listening to your podcast number 125 where you were talking about commitment.

00:56:16.900 and I was in AA for 12 years

00:56:21.260 and I got a lot of value out of it

00:56:24.440 and I think it's a wonderful place

00:56:28.500 and I do drink now

00:56:30.580 but it's working out for me okay

00:56:33.560 but listen, you're on the right path

00:56:37.260 you're thinking the right thoughts

00:56:41.520 and you're an introspective guy

00:56:43.780 you'll be alright

00:56:44.540 Just don't – you're thinking about commitment, and if you can't commit, just don't try to prove to yourself that you can't commit by committing to the wrong girl.

00:56:59.540 You know, and I'm learning by when you're talking because I'm realizing that – one of the things I'm trying to realize more in my life is just to listen to others. 0.91

00:57:10.200 you know and because me thinking i have the answers to everything that's what fucking

00:57:16.740 you know that's not true or i wouldn't be struggling so the best thing i can do is 0.86

00:57:23.540 is listen to others ask and not always take their advice or take their suggestions but listen to them

00:57:28.580 just listen to them you know and if i do see somebody who i know has success in that in an

00:57:34.400 area i want to have success in then i can ask them and i can take a suggestion from them

00:57:39.480 you know i'm not here struggling with commitment and struggling with this so i'm going to talk to

00:57:44.520 guys who have success in committed relationships and talk to them how they do it and i respect what

00:57:50.300 you said about don't force a relationship you know don't force it um you know it's just it's

00:57:59.040 it's tough to know it's tough to know it's tough to know uh it's tough to know but it's tougher not

00:58:06.380 to try. You know, it's tougher not to try. I appreciate your thoughts and concerns and

00:58:11.100 suggestions. You know, I'm just trying to take actions and keep my feet moving and keep

00:58:19.220 my brain still. I want to let you know about professional and affordable counseling. We

00:58:26.700 all need it. And this is a site that I have tried. This is a service that I have used.

00:58:31.160 I've used this service more than once, and I enjoy it.

00:58:35.660 It's BetterHelp.com.

00:58:38.300 You can go to BetterHelp.com slash Theo today,

00:58:42.460 and you can get matched up with a counselor that's right for you.

00:58:46.120 They're professional and affordable counseling,

00:58:48.620 and there are four communication modes,

00:58:50.400 text, chat, audio chat, phone, and video.

00:58:57.360 So you can start communicating in under 24 hours.

00:58:59.760 you must be 18 or over. You can schedule sessions. You can send messages with your therapist.

00:59:06.600 The last therapist I had on there was a woman named Anna. And, you know, it's just sometimes

00:59:13.300 you need help. And sometimes they don't have somebody you know where you can get it. And now

00:59:16.800 they do. Financial aid is available. It's easy to change counselors if you don't like the one

00:59:23.080 that you start with or that you get paired up with. And let me say that this, in my experience,

00:59:29.220 To me, it has been imperative that when I didn't like a counselor,

00:59:32.300 I didn't feel comfortable that I made a change.

00:59:36.400 Now, I didn't want to end up with someone who just agreed with everything I said.

00:59:41.300 I wanted somebody that challenged me.

00:59:42.920 I wanted somebody that made me think.

00:59:44.460 Most importantly for me, I wanted somebody that made me feel.

00:59:47.000 Like if I noticed in therapy, if I really started to have emotions and feel something,

00:59:50.720 then that meant that for me that that therapy was truly working.

00:59:54.800 You can go to betterhelp.com slash Theo, T-H-E-O, today and see what they got for you.

01:00:01.720 If you need it, if you don't need it, you know, then that's good.

01:00:06.400 Then that's beautiful, bro.

01:00:07.720 Let's take this hitter right here, onward.

01:00:09.440 Hey, Theo, it's Wyatt.

01:00:10.700 Just left the Brian Callen and Friends show at the Comedy Store tonight, and you were on the roster, but I didn't see you there, bro.

01:00:18.760 I'm feeling a little sad, wondering why you're not there.

01:00:22.460 Thanks for calling, Wyatt.

01:00:24.180 Um, you know, and I'll talk about this real fast about depression.

01:00:29.840 You know, last week, uh, last week I missed the, here's the comedy show that I missed.

01:00:35.120 Okay.

01:00:36.000 It was Brian Callen, Brennan Schaub, who I'm wearing their t-shirt today, fighting the

01:00:40.680 kid, two men that have been so good to me, Joe Rogan, uh, a man that has been very good

01:00:46.360 to me um uh Bill Burr and Chris D'Elia uh two of the funniest men around all those men so funny

01:00:59.160 um but and I missed that I missed that that I was on the lineup

01:01:08.300 up and i missed it because i wasn't feeling good man and i just kind of threw in the towel for the

01:01:18.280 day and i just took a just went took a nap you know i didn't take any pills i didn't do nothing

01:01:23.640 like that but i just said you know i need to i need to take a break uh and that's that's that's

01:01:30.000 that's something that happened you know that's something that happened to me um and the worst

01:01:34.400 part was later that night I had other sets later that night that I went I went to um but I'm sorry

01:01:41.040 that I wasn't there and uh and you know I've gotten you know the week went on and I got you

01:01:46.720 know I picked myself kind of more up and now I'm cruising you know and here's what I'm doing I'm

01:01:51.040 focusing on focusing on moving my feet and I'm focusing on doing the work you know uh contrary 0.91

01:01:57.420 action I was laying in bed I'm like fuck I don't want to go to yoga the class starts in 15 minutes 0.98

01:02:02.280 So what did I do? 0.99

01:02:03.260 I went to yoga.

01:02:04.700 You know, and the next day, I don't want to go to yoga at the class.

01:02:06.760 So what did I do?

01:02:07.480 I went.

01:02:08.100 This morning I got up.

01:02:09.240 Man, there's an AA meeting.

01:02:10.400 It's 20 minutes.

01:02:11.920 In 20 minutes, it's nine minutes away.

01:02:14.700 What do I do?

01:02:15.540 I moved my feet.

01:02:17.840 Moved your feet. 0.93

01:02:19.260 Your brain will follow you.

01:02:21.100 If you are struggling with that kind of stuff, move your feet.

01:02:23.620 Your brain will follow you. 1.00

01:02:26.620 But to me, that shit is not a game, bro. 1.00

01:02:29.560 That shit will take you out of your desires. 1.00

01:02:32.280 If you'd have told me five years ago, you can be on a show with Chris D'Elia, Brennan Shalves, Brian Callens, Joe Rogan's, Bill Burr's, I'd have fucking given, I would have given both my arms and both my legs to be on that show. 1.00

01:02:51.040 You would have had to bring me on a stage in a wheelbarrow. 0.81

01:02:54.200 But I got depressed the other day, and that's what happened.

01:02:57.640 But I'm not, but now I'm back, and I'm fighting back, and that's where I'm at, bro.

01:03:02.280 So you want to see me out in these emo streets?

01:03:05.080 Let's get out here, boy.

01:03:06.500 Bang, bang, son.

01:03:08.500 You know what I'm saying, bruh?

01:03:09.720 I'll break open the ashes of somebody's, 1.00

01:03:11.920 of, you know, of dead Miss Wilson 1.00

01:03:14.080 and let's fucking throw it up, okay? 1.00

01:03:17.460 I'll fucking get Yikes Wilson to turn on that GNR 0.99

01:03:20.980 and let's see who's who. 0.99

01:03:24.080 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

01:03:24.880 We all going to bed with dead Miss Wilson 0.90

01:03:28.460 dust on our shoulders, bruh. 0.99

01:03:30.060 You got to get that Miss Wilson off your shoulder. 1.00

01:03:33.620 Onward, let's take another call. 0.98

01:03:34.960 Thank you for calling in, Wyatt.

01:03:36.080 I'm sorry that I wasn't there, and it won't happen again, bruh.

01:03:38.820 Onward.

01:03:39.960 Hey, Theo, this is Tony.

01:03:41.860 I'm calling from Wisconsin, so I'm just going to comment about your whole, you know,

01:03:48.660 the whole taking time away from, you know, handling, manhandling yourself.

01:03:54.440 Okay, and you're talking about putting the brakes on that, you know, 0.93

01:03:58.660 You're talking about putting the brakes on, you know, that Masty Masty, that Masty Basie onward. 0.98

01:04:07.020 I've been currently doing the same thing, and I've been going strong for a good about nine months. 0.98

01:04:12.620 Ooh, Tony got some time, boy.

01:04:15.020 El Tiempo Antonio, huh?

01:04:17.640 Tony got some time.

01:04:18.840 Onward.

01:04:19.680 So it's been nine months since I've been, like, you know, abusing myself.

01:04:24.440 So it took me that, I've been going that long, so.

01:04:27.300 Congratulations, man.

01:04:28.100 I want to say that, nine months, man.

01:04:29.840 That's fascinating.

01:04:31.460 Dude, some years only have nine months in them, bro. 0.99

01:04:33.520 A long time ago, the Mayan calendar, nine fucking months. 0.97

01:04:38.060 So you went in Maya, you went a year, bro, back in Maya. 0.98

01:04:41.800 So congratulations, man.

01:04:43.100 Allward.

01:04:44.320 My question is I developed a new problem where, you know, I think Satan's got me.

01:04:49.180 You know, he comes to me at nighttime.

01:04:50.920 So I'm dealing with the whole nocturnal emissions, the whole, you know, wet dreaming.

01:04:56.900 Oh, yeah, man. I feel you, bro. That fucking dark bust. Onward.

01:05:02.800 So I just wanted to get your thoughts and, you know, what you think about a situation like that.

01:05:07.840 So appreciate everything you got for me.

01:05:11.240 Amen, Tony. I appreciate you calling.

01:05:13.700 And yeah, you talking about that dark bust, you know, you talking. 0.98

01:05:17.480 We used to call it. What did they call it when I was young?

01:05:20.400 uh that um that aladdin jizz because you would think you know you wasn't gonna have it because 1.00

01:05:29.360 you haven't been rubbing your lamp and then bam your dick just starts granting you fucking wet 1.00

01:05:33.560 wishes in the middle of the night and they would call that that aladdin jizz but yeah i feel you 1.00

01:05:39.820 man look it's almost look that dark bust is dangerous because you don't think you know you

01:05:47.060 you know you you changed your game and i applaud you for nine months nine to not do anything for

01:05:54.560 nine months is fascinating bro and it takes such it takes willpower and that's where it takes that

01:05:59.760 manhood you know and you did that man he did that congrats on that but yeah bro that dude it's crazy

01:06:09.160 you know in a long time ago back in you know wizarding days and people had witches and all 0.84

01:06:14.720 of that kind of shit and, you know, people eating frogs and all of that, they would, you 0.99

01:06:23.100 know, they would, if you busted out in the middle of the night, they'd fucking get rid 1.00

01:06:30.980 of you, you know? 0.99

01:06:33.800 Or some people thought you were a damn, you know, you were probably, you probably had 0.99

01:06:39.540 a leak you know you had that sub that subterranean you know that subconscious leak but yeah baby you 0.99

01:06:45.220 got that fucking wild drip drip but i would say that this man that you are blessed brother 0.98

01:06:50.680 you know you're blessed and i agree man look because here's the thing about satan baby boy 0.98

01:06:58.180 or s attin or satin satin's gonna find a way to get it out of you because think about what it is

01:07:08.880 it's in you what what is inside of you is the you know that body jism and that is something you want

01:07:17.920 to hold that's your manhood brother that's your manhood that's your children are in there

01:07:22.560 that is your children that is your great great great great grandfather that's ab that's the

01:07:29.280 that's it that it is in your body it is in your jesum and if you and that's why at that's why

01:07:39.380 you know the devil try to get it out of you and whether he gets you to play that you know that

01:07:44.900 you know that one you know that one shot monkey or whether he gets you to um you know to he lulls

01:07:52.940 you into those dark dreams and then he'll spray it out of you while you're resting you know that

01:07:58.600 dark bust he's gonna try and get it out of you but let me say this if he gets it out of you

01:08:06.000 through the nocturnal emissions that's you didn't help him you got no fingerprints on the weapon

01:08:13.440 brother you don't you know i'm saying that's not your crime so if you want to let satan be a

01:08:18.520 criminal that's fine because he is a criminal and he's going to get that out of you you know

01:08:23.720 he's gonna get that 0.80

01:08:25.120 that naughty sauce

01:08:27.780 you know

01:08:29.040 he's gonna you know

01:08:30.920 he's gonna pull that naughty sauce 1.00

01:08:32.580 out of your sauce router

01:08:33.760 but don't you help him

01:08:36.380 and that's why I'm proud of you brother

01:08:38.280 I'm so proud of you man

01:08:39.880 thank you for calling

01:08:40.580 and that was Tony right there

01:08:42.040 and he sounds like a brother

01:08:42.860 out there in Wisconsin

01:08:43.680 and first of all

01:08:44.880 amen on being a brother in Wisconsin

01:08:47.040 I can't even imagine

01:08:49.040 you know

01:08:50.480 I mean look

01:08:51.400 probably these days man 1.00

01:08:54.320 You know, a lot of ladies, if they're looking for that dark spark, my boy's got it, boy. 1.00

01:09:00.200 Two-tone Tony out there, bruh.

01:09:02.280 He got the full tank, and he's got, you know, and he's got that, you know, that Cuervo skin, that Café de Calor.

01:09:11.840 I'm proud of you, brother. 1.00

01:09:13.560 Don't jerk off, man. 1.00

01:09:14.800 Stay safe, brother. 1.00

01:09:16.760 Godspeed to you.

01:09:17.740 Let's hear more.

01:09:18.380 Let's hear another call.

01:09:19.040 hey man this is blake o lake from texas hey blake from texas uh thank you for calling texas

01:09:28.020 one of probably one of my four favorite states probably let's hear more okay i'm listening to 0.96

01:09:34.460 this past weekend and you're telling people to kill people kill not kill people but kill 0.96

01:09:39.300 deer with a knife that's like unethical dog you can't have people running around 0.97

01:09:46.020 killing deer with with with machetes running around that's like that makes it super painful

01:09:53.760 and i think what it is i know what it is so when you hunt you're shooting a deer from

01:10:00.220 however many miles away and you're shooting them to where they die instantly where you ain't got

01:10:06.820 to worry about them hurting and squirting and uh it's like if you get a heart a heart shot they're 0.74

01:10:13.400 they're done but if you if you running around chasing them with with the machete playing hide

01:10:20.800 and go seek man we ain't playing now come on now come on man you're making this sound like a

01:10:25.000 playground activity like this third grade recess and they have children out there

01:10:28.420 and they have deers out there what i'm trying to share with you my friend is that if a 0.99

01:10:36.060 if you get out there with a knife if you're good with a knife okay if you out there fucking 0.98

01:10:42.880 you know Charlie Chaplin on that deal 1.00

01:10:45.340 you know 0.97

01:10:46.520 if you fucking Gensu Johnny out there 1.00

01:10:49.260 then you gonna kill him with one stroke 1.00

01:10:50.940 so don't say you can't do it 1.00

01:10:56.160 if you could shoot something from

01:10:58.140 you know 60 miles away 0.98

01:11:00.620 with a rifle

01:11:02.120 then you can get up close 0.98

01:11:05.100 and get that bad boy in that gut gut

01:11:07.360 you know 0.97

01:11:08.260 pop him in that red hitter

01:11:11.020 you know 1.00

01:11:12.680 Get him up in that fucking plasma tank, bruh. 1.00

01:11:16.620 I'm just saying, man, be a man about it. 1.00

01:11:19.420 I'm not saying it's unmanly to hunt. 0.96

01:11:21.520 I'm not saying it's unmanly to shoot him like that with the guns. 0.89

01:11:24.620 But I'm saying go double man, bruh. 0.99

01:11:27.660 Double manly.

01:11:29.220 You ever been double manly? 1.00

01:11:31.700 Go kill a deer with a knife, dude. 1.00

01:11:36.920 Don't use a gun anymore. 1.00

01:11:39.780 Use a knife.

01:11:41.200 Get out there. 1.00

01:11:42.180 and go toe-to-toe with that, my.

01:11:45.240 Let him use his skills.

01:11:47.000 What if he'd been doing something,

01:11:48.500 and he'd been practicing?

01:11:50.160 Because a deer can't use a gun.

01:11:52.040 Their arms can't shoot a bullet.

01:11:54.500 That's what I'm saying.

01:11:55.300 Let's hear another call.

01:11:56.780 Thank you for calling, man.

01:11:57.900 And look, I'm not saying it's unethical.

01:12:00.160 You know, if you kill, you feed your family,

01:12:02.400 then that's fine, you know? 0.85

01:12:04.520 But I'm just saying,

01:12:05.480 let's give these deers a real chance. 1.00

01:12:07.140 Let's film that shit, 1.00

01:12:08.340 and let's put it on the internets, bro. 1.00

01:12:09.900 and let's see who God really wants to win.

01:12:15.060 Onward, let's take another call.

01:12:17.380 What's up, Theo?

01:12:18.080 I love the podcast.

01:12:19.560 My name is Brian.

01:12:21.140 I was just calling to, I guess, hold myself accountable a little bit.

01:12:25.880 I've struggled with addiction in the past.

01:12:29.800 Thanks for calling, Brian.

01:12:31.120 I appreciate you calling, man.

01:12:32.200 Let's hear more.

01:12:32.960 Recovering alcoholic.

01:12:34.460 So I know for me, telling other people my intentions helps keep me accountable and keep me in line.

01:12:42.260 Oh, that's interesting.

01:12:43.380 When you're saying that, telling other people about your intentions keeps you accountable and keeps you in line.

01:12:49.840 You know what's funny for me is I find that if I don't tell people I'm doing something, I usually have better success doing it.

01:13:00.900 Like I do better if I don't tell people.

01:13:03.920 You know, because once I tell people, let me think about this.

01:13:09.620 So once I tell people it's not my thing anymore, then it's our thing.

01:13:17.640 And I don't like that.

01:13:20.460 You know, or there's part of me that, you know, some something inside of me that's messed up doesn't like that.

01:13:25.420 It likes things to be my thing.

01:13:28.300 So I would rather because then it's just me.

01:13:30.380 It's me against the world if it's just me.

01:13:32.460 But if I tell you what my plan is and what I'm doing, then it's like, oh, now it's everybody, you know, anybody can ask about it, other people, and that makes it less likely.

01:13:40.880 Or that used to be my mindset.

01:13:44.000 Especially when I'm thinking back when I'm young, I wouldn't want to tell anybody anything. 0.99

01:13:47.580 Just do my shit, you know. 0.99

01:13:49.580 I would be like that, you know, that M&M style. 1.00

01:13:52.280 I ain't fucking telling these motherfuckers, you know. 1.00

01:13:55.100 These people out here wearing these tank tops, you know, and eating gelatin and all of that shit. 1.00

01:14:00.300 Fuck them, bro. 1.00

01:14:02.460 A bunch of haters out here, bro. 1.00

01:14:05.980 But now I notice more, I'm more likely to share something as like, oh, because before I would want to keep things as a secret.

01:14:16.040 You know, it's like, oh, I'll do it.

01:14:17.200 I'm going to surprise everybody.

01:14:18.620 Everything had to have this, you know, this big thing to it.

01:14:21.640 But now it's like I can see like, oh, I can think about something.

01:14:24.940 I can talk to other people and get help with it.

01:14:26.760 And then it's easier to come true because it's not me doing it by myself.

01:14:30.120 but that's the difference between

01:14:33.560 my old mindset of thinking me against the world

01:14:36.840 and thinking a little more now like me with the world

01:14:39.840 but it still flares up sometimes

01:14:42.160 where I'll be afraid to share something that I want to do

01:14:45.320 I won't want to tell people

01:14:46.680 but when I do tell people

01:14:48.660 then I feel like I don't want to do it anymore

01:14:52.060 because now everybody knows

01:14:53.420 it's not unique

01:14:55.240 let's hear more

01:14:57.660 thank you for calling

01:14:58.360 Um, um, uh, onward.

01:15:03.260 So with that being said, um, I'm about to head out on a two week trip in the wilderness.

01:15:10.940 And, uh, I, my goal, my intention is to.

01:15:14.640 Oh, you got that Hansel.

01:15:16.100 You're about to get all Hansel out there, boy.

01:15:18.560 Bring your breadcrumbs, bro.

01:15:20.740 You know, get a bag of them, um, get a bag of them crumbs, daddy.

01:15:26.820 Don't go out there with nothing.

01:15:28.360 Maybe take a gun or a knife and at least some breadcrumbs so people can find you back.

01:15:34.880 Let's hear more.

01:15:35.580 Or some yarn.

01:15:36.300 A lot of times they do yarn until you can tie yarn where you start.

01:15:39.800 And then keep going until, you know.

01:15:44.720 And then if you die or something, people can, you know, pull you, you know, find you with the yarn.

01:15:53.380 Omar?

01:15:53.600 to not celebrate the dark arcs in the time that I'm gone.

01:15:59.720 That's going to be a struggle for me to go 14 days without doing that.

01:16:02.960 So I wanted to tell somebody, and you're the guy I know that will support that.

01:16:07.700 So hopefully I can accomplish that and keep doing what you're doing

01:16:11.960 and appreciate it.

01:16:15.000 Well, yeah, man, I'll keep you in my prayers, Brian,

01:16:17.220 and I'll pray you keep them full nuts on you. 1.00

01:16:20.060 You keep as much fucking magma in them. 1.00

01:16:23.600 And them little fucking, you know, spunk holsters. 1.00

01:16:27.000 As much magma as you can and much of that fucking daddy magma. 1.00

01:16:30.700 And I'll be praying for that, man. 0.99

01:16:32.580 But yeah, two weeks in the woods, dude. 0.81

01:16:38.080 Man, because nothing used to make me jerk off more than seeing like a shooting star. 0.56

01:16:44.040 Dude, if I see a shooting star, boy, you get 90% chance I'm going to coom somewhere, bro. 0.93

01:16:50.200 That's just a 90% chance.

01:16:52.960 But I wish you well, man.

01:16:54.360 You know, things that would, you know, I remember, you know, I used to live by some woods and a lot of things. 0.96

01:16:59.140 And this is when I was a real reactionary masturbator. 0.93

01:17:02.640 And a reactionary masturbator is somebody who masturbates, you know, in reaction to something. 0.99

01:17:10.440 So some people, they show up and masturbate for no reason. 0.99

01:17:14.860 That was not me. 0.99

01:17:16.240 I would, something would happen and then I would masturbate. 0.99

01:17:19.040 You know, that's more my style. 0.98

01:17:20.800 and you know things that would do it for me shooting stars um you know birds chirping birds

01:17:28.880 one bird chirping bro i ain't touching nothing son you ain't seeing my work bro three birds out

01:17:36.040 there hitting a high note dog skeet-a-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee

01:17:41.340 call me captain skeet skeets you know um so it's you know what else would get me uh 0.96

01:17:49.900 those biker gangs 0.95

01:17:52.180 if a bunch of bikers went by 0.98

01:17:53.540 and all the loud loud loud 1.00

01:17:55.220 those assholes 1.00

01:17:56.840 people call them assholes 1.00

01:17:57.920 yeah those guys 1.00

01:17:58.760 out of fear

01:18:00.100 then I would reactionarily 0.98

01:18:01.580 have to jerk off 0.99

01:18:02.440 because then I would 0.61

01:18:02.920 fall asleep after

01:18:03.940 I'm trying to think

01:18:06.320 of anything else

01:18:07.180 definitely some other stuff

01:18:09.860 like different types of artwork

01:18:11.140 and stuff like that

01:18:12.060 but those were the main things

01:18:13.340 but what else

01:18:15.620 are we talking about here

01:18:16.460 but you're going to be

01:18:17.080 in the woods for two weeks

01:18:18.100 dude

01:18:18.520 man that's going to be hard

01:18:21.240 I'll pray for you but I think it's going to be hard because

01:18:23.360 you're not going to have anything to do man

01:18:25.520 you know what I'm saying

01:18:26.920 you can only start so many fires before 1.00

01:18:28.880 you got to jerk off 0.99

01:18:30.960 you know what I'm saying 1.00

01:18:32.860 there's something also about that fire

01:18:34.320 seeing fire, the darkness

01:18:35.900 I start thinking about dances with wolves

01:18:38.600 back when Kevin Costner was young

01:18:41.020 son, come on

01:18:42.660 somebody

01:18:44.880 I'm about to bust out

01:18:47.940 But thank you for calling, man, and good luck out there.

01:18:49.860 Let's hear another call.

01:18:50.580 A lot of people calling about yurking off.

01:18:52.040 Let's go.

01:18:52.620 Onward.

01:18:53.360 Hey, Dio.

01:18:54.800 So I'm having a little problem, you know.

01:18:56.920 I called in as Tom.

01:18:58.580 Everyone knows me as Tommy.

01:19:00.740 I'm at this point in my life where I feel like what I'm doing needs to be more adult-like.

01:19:06.660 I'm 21 right now.

01:19:07.820 I got a...

01:19:08.560 Okay.

01:19:09.100 Happy 21, brother.

01:19:10.660 You feel like you need to be more adult-like.

01:19:13.700 Onward.

01:19:14.060 I got a landscaping business, and I'm trying to start a particularly business, and I just want to...

01:19:18.260 Ooh, so you're trying to go from landscape to wings, huh?

01:19:22.260 Hmm.

01:19:25.160 That's a unique jump, Daddy.

01:19:28.220 You out there, boy. 0.99

01:19:29.060 You're trying to go from fucking landscape to wings, boy. 1.00

01:19:32.700 From them hedges to them fucking bog, boy. 1.00

01:19:35.740 Them side hitters, dog. 1.00

01:19:37.560 Blue cheese. 1.00

01:19:38.480 Blue cheese or everything.

01:19:40.560 Onward. 1.00

01:19:41.080 Blue cheese or go fuck your mother. 1.00

01:19:42.880 Onward. 1.00

01:19:43.280 I'm going to be more conducive with the adult life.

01:19:47.780 You know what I'm saying?

01:19:48.420 So I've always been worried about when I would have to switch my name to Tom.

01:19:52.860 I'm just wondering if I have to, if that's appropriate, and it's a good move.

01:19:58.400 So yeah, just let me know.

01:19:59.660 Have a good one.

01:20:00.680 Appreciate the podcast.

01:20:02.760 Thank you for calling, Tom, Tommy.

01:20:05.260 So he's asking, when do you change your name to Tom from Tommy?

01:20:10.460 If he's Tommy now, when does he go to Tom?

01:20:13.280 That's a good question, man.

01:20:15.580 When do you go to Tom?

01:20:17.880 You know, I got a friend named Timmy, and he's about maybe 61.

01:20:28.080 You know, at this point, it's wild.

01:20:30.720 You know, it's wild.

01:20:33.780 You know, I got a buddy, he's 50, probably 50, and he go by Randy. 0.79

01:20:40.400 now he's and this gentleman's homosexual he's homoerotic for other men but so it works kind of 0.78

01:20:49.380 but still when does it stop you know at what point like Johnny Manziel Johnny Manziel doing dope in 0.71

01:20:58.220 Cabo San Lucas but John Manziel is probably now you know he'd be in his fifth year um you know

01:21:07.660 maybe taking the Cleveland Browns to the AFC playoffs, you know,

01:21:10.860 so I definitely agree at some point you got to change it.

01:21:13.260 You got to let that, you know,

01:21:14.660 you got to let that alphabetical snake skin fall off to the ground and you got

01:21:18.900 to shed it. But that's a good question. When do you change, you know,

01:21:22.920 from Billy to Bill, you know, from Wascom to, uh, Wasco,

01:21:28.460 I guess they call him Wasco, you know, from Jerry to Jer, you know,

01:21:33.420 from Donnie to Don, you know,

01:21:37.660 So when do people also change from Richard to Dick?

01:21:41.360 First of all, go back to Richard, bro.

01:21:45.280 I mean, that's so wild to me.

01:21:48.300 But thanks for calling.

01:21:49.260 You know what?

01:21:49.460 We can put that out to our listeners.

01:21:51.540 When do you change that name?

01:21:52.760 What is an appropriate time?

01:21:54.460 Or do you?

01:21:55.620 When do you pick up a nickname?

01:21:57.720 You know, they used to have this boy by us called, they call him Nut Nut.

01:22:01.840 And he was regular, but he didn't really need that name because he was never going to work in business.

01:22:07.660 You know, and in a small town, working in business just means working at the bank. 0.99

01:22:11.700 But Nut Nut ain't getting a job at the fucking bank, dog. 0.99

01:22:15.060 You know, Stanley will work at the bank, but Nut Nut won't. 0.99

01:22:22.320 Let's take another call, man.

01:22:23.780 But that'll be one for our listeners.

01:22:24.880 You can hit the hotline with suggestions for when do you change that name, 985-664-9503.

01:22:30.580 Also, you can hit the hotline for any thoughts, questions, comments, struggles or suggestions, anything.

01:22:37.440 Thank you guys so much for your support.

01:22:38.740 Let's take one more call here.

01:22:40.420 What up, Theo?

01:22:42.080 Good boy, Jesus.

01:22:43.900 Gang, gang.

01:22:45.020 Gang, gang, baby boy.

01:22:46.540 Jesus.

01:22:47.280 Boy, the Jesus is loose.

01:22:48.820 Mas, mas, mas.

01:22:49.960 Let's go.

01:22:50.720 I'm out here in Arizona in the mean desert. 0.73

01:22:54.620 Calling because I've had to remember my phone for, damn, damn near since I started listening about a year ago. 0.80

01:23:02.060 Wow.

01:23:02.540 Thank you so much, man.

01:23:03.860 Thank you for listening, bro.

01:23:05.120 Onward.

01:23:05.440 and uh i don't know i didn't have nowhere else to turn i'm on my way into work 0.93

01:23:12.160 that job i fucking hate all right a good job good paying job pays bills provides for the family 0.94

01:23:21.300 but i hate it um kind of feel myself breaking 0.98

01:23:27.840 hmm he hates it he kind of feels himself breaking onward yeah so my question to you is 0.64

01:23:36.200 what's your recommendation on yourself and quitting you know ready to get the hell out of

01:23:44.960 here i drive two hours one way commute and work um 12-hour shifts you know i got a crew of guys 0.96

01:23:54.740 that depends on me but i fucking hate it hate my bosses you know um not their fault they got jobs 0.99

01:24:03.200 they got a place they got to run but fucking hate it man yeah just let me know what you think 0.99

01:24:08.380 i will man i appreciate you calling man um you know i don't have any advice for you you know 0.97

01:24:14.380 i'll try and offer some suggestions of mine you know i i you know i mean i noticed some things

01:24:20.360 about what you just said is that like for one you're very aware you um and i and thank you so

01:24:26.660 much for calling it and and and asking us for our suggestions uh you're very aware bro you know

01:24:32.660 you're aware that you have a crew that works under you you know and that you know that they would be

01:24:37.020 disappointed you said you're aware that your bosses you don't like them but you recognize

01:24:41.360 they're just doing their job like you know you're you're very aware of your scenario um i i don't

01:24:47.520 think i would quit until you have another plan you know you got to have another plan um the long

01:24:54.080 commute um man you know i wish you were happier

01:25:03.300 you know i wish that you were happier um and i don't mean that in a derogatory way at all man

01:25:13.920 And, you know, I just wish that you were happier about your situation.

01:25:18.740 You know, you do have a job, you know, and that's great.

01:25:21.600 And you sound like you have a family.

01:25:23.620 I thought you said you had a family.

01:25:25.260 I'd go back and listen, but I don't know how to work this thing my producer set up.

01:25:32.360 You know what?

01:25:33.100 You know what?

01:25:34.160 Why don't we ask the listeners, man?

01:25:35.440 Let's ask the listeners.

01:25:37.240 This would be a good place.

01:25:38.880 Let's ask the listeners.

01:25:40.300 If you have, you know, any suggestions.

01:25:43.920 You know, a job that he doesn't like, he has to drive a long commute, two hours, you said, but for 12-hour shifts, you know, I could see somebody doing that.

01:25:55.380 You know, you just, yeah, I don't know, man.

01:25:57.800 I haven't been in that position, but I'm sure there's some listeners out there that have.

01:26:01.920 So those are a couple things we can get suggestions on.

01:26:04.840 If you have a suggestion for one of those, when do you change your name from, you know, a baby name to, you know, to an adult name?

01:26:13.920 And then some people, like they had a girl in my class when I was growing up, this girl Sampson was the last name, Asma was her first name, Asma Sampson.

01:26:22.900 And I don't even know if you ever change that.

01:26:25.460 Some names you don't ever change.

01:26:27.520 But when do you change it from a little boy's name to a man's name? 0.99

01:26:31.800 And, you know, because sometimes you want to go from fucking cutting yards to fucking slanging wangs, bro. 0.99

01:26:37.120 And then secondarily, that job you hate, what do you do? 0.99

01:26:42.620 you know what do you do because we're all there sometimes we're all there in certain moments

01:26:47.640 you know um now i mean i know i'm fortunate to be doing a job doing stand-up comedy that i love

01:26:53.540 but there's times where i'm stuck doing something for a day a week here and there

01:26:57.960 um where it's tough and it's not something i want to be doing but there might be other

01:27:03.380 listeners out there who have had more experience with the commute how do you change uh either

01:27:08.220 change your perspective or change your

01:27:10.080 actual job.

01:27:12.320 But don't quit your job in the meantime.

01:27:15.700 Let's see what some

01:27:16.380 of our listeners might have. Hit the hotline,

01:27:17.720 985-664-9503.

01:27:21.340 You know, I had a brief moment

01:27:22.380 the other night. I was at the comedy store.

01:27:24.220 And I just want

01:27:26.280 to thank you guys.

01:27:27.580 A fella came up to me. He's in the Air Force.

01:27:30.780 And I don't remember his name.

01:27:32.460 But he and his buddy were there. And he came

01:27:34.340 up and he said, man, thanks for your podcast.

01:27:36.580 He goes, the other day on your podcast, you were talking about a software, and it's called Covenant Eyes, and C-O-V-E-N-A-N-T-E-Y-E-S, and he goes, and it's like, you know, it's a blocker you can put on your computer so you can't look at pornographers, and he goes, that's what I, you know, I use that now.

01:27:57.880 I never knew about it before.

01:28:00.180 And you could tell that he, you know, he was just happy to know about it.

01:28:05.140 And so I just want to remind people that that stuff is out there.

01:28:07.720 But that made me feel good. 0.98

01:28:08.660 I was having a fucking, ugh. 0.99

01:28:10.900 This past week was hell, man. 1.00

01:28:12.180 It was hectic, you know.

01:28:13.720 But now I'm moving my feet.

01:28:15.080 I'm moving my feet, man. 0.99

01:28:16.280 I ain't sitting around fucking with my feelings, bro. 0.98

01:28:18.080 My feelings don't know what I want to do. 0.99

01:28:19.760 My feet do.

01:28:20.920 My feet do.

01:28:21.580 What do I do next?

01:28:22.480 That's what I do.

01:28:23.400 The next right action.

01:28:24.500 I do the next right action.

01:28:25.600 I just walked in the room.

01:28:27.140 what am I supposed to do? I don't take my shirt off and throw it on the dinner table. I go put

01:28:30.860 my shirt in the hamper, okay? Then what do I do? Do I go outside, you know? Do I smoke cigarettes?

01:28:37.620 No. I go make a smoothie in the kitchen. Because why? Because I need to feed myself and take care

01:28:41.800 of myself. And then what do I do? Do I go just sit and watch Dateline for the rest of the night?

01:28:46.800 No. I take care of some of the mail that's been backing up. You know, and I get the house,

01:28:51.820 you know, I get the house in order and walk through and get things tightened up.

01:28:55.880 You know, I take care of the next thing I need to do.

01:28:58.880 That's what I do.

01:29:00.240 I don't think and think and think about it.

01:29:01.820 I know what it is. 0.99

01:29:03.080 Do what I'm supposed to fucking do. 0.99

01:29:05.220 And then before I know it, I got all my shit done. 0.99

01:29:07.340 Then I can relax and my brain will leave me alone. 0.75

01:29:10.340 Because I don't have a million things looming to do.

01:29:12.880 And I'm free.

01:29:14.880 Anyway, I'm not preaching at you, man.

01:29:16.260 I'm just, you know, I'm trying to get myself in line, bro.

01:29:19.740 So, no, we got to line up, boy.

01:29:25.480 Man. 1.00

01:29:27.440 Oh, I wish I was a fucking fat baby, bro. 1.00

01:29:30.980 Don't you ever wish that? 1.00

01:29:32.220 I do.

01:29:33.120 All right, man.

01:29:35.260 Thank you guys for all the love and support.

01:29:37.480 We'll leave out again, man, with a little bit of...

01:29:40.600 This is another Jameson Flood song,

01:29:42.620 and this one is called Every Night.

01:29:55.080 You guys be good to yourselves, man.

01:30:20.000 You probably deserve it, bro.

01:30:21.440 You know you do.

01:30:22.160 I'm going to try to be good to myself, man

01:30:25.380 And not put so much pressure on myself

01:30:27.000 You know, and take it a little bit easier

01:30:28.520 You know, I've been putting a lot of

01:30:31.780 Not pressure, I've just been, I don't know

01:30:34.220 I'm not going to think about it 0.97

01:30:35.520 I'm just going to fucking move my feet, dude 0.99

01:30:37.540 I'm going to go piss 0.99

01:30:38.440 I'm going to go home

01:30:40.240 I'm going to a birthday party tonight for Dr. Drew

01:30:43.900 I'm going to go to that

01:30:45.340 And I'm just going to listen to other people

01:30:47.580 And have fun, man 0.95

01:30:48.580 And not try to fucking do too much 0.97

01:30:51.440 That's what I'm going to do.

01:30:52.860 Thank you guys for being a part of this episode, man.

01:30:57.360 It means a lot.

01:30:59.180 And onward.

01:31:03.880 Amen.

01:31:11.680 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club,

01:31:15.600 a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events,

01:31:18.920 stand-up stories and seven ways to pleasure your partner the answer may shock you sometimes i'll

01:31:25.400 interview my friends sometimes i won't and as always i'll be joined by the voices in my head

01:31:31.200 you have three new voice messages a lot of people are talking about kite club i've been talking

01:31:38.140 about kite club for so long longer than anybody else so great hi swia easy deal anyone who doesn't

01:31:46.860 listen to Kite Club is a dodgy 0.99

01:31:48.680 bloody wanker. Jermaine. 1.00

01:31:51.880 I'll take a quarter

01:31:52.920 pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.

01:31:55.020 Sorry sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.

01:31:57.100 Oh, no!

01:31:59.360 I think Tom Hanks just

01:32:00.800 butt dialed me. Anyway, first

01:32:02.840 rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone

01:32:04.960 about Kite Club. Second rule of Kite

01:32:06.940 Club is, tell everyone

01:32:08.920 about Kite Club. Third rule,

01:32:11.120 like and subscribe wherever you listen

01:32:12.840 to podcasts, or watch us on

01:32:14.860 YouTube, yeah? And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - September 03, 2018

Nocturnal Emissions ｜ This Past Weekend #127

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