This Past Weekend with Theo Von - Valentine's Day Special： Bobby Lee & Khalyla ｜ This Past Weekend #174

00:00:00.480 Recently, our company's softball team lost the big game by one run.

00:00:04.800 Then Dale tried to console us with the quote,

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00:00:30.000 Today's episode is brought to you by Grayblock Pizza. Grayblock, get that hitter.

00:00:36.860 Welcome to this Valentine's Day episode. This past weekend is brought to you by Skillshare.

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00:03:15.660 hitter. Love is in the air. Who is that? It's someone in love. Who is that? There's someone 0.98

00:03:27.000 in love. Today's episode is a pair of beautiful people. A young man that has been kinder to me

00:03:34.880 maybe than any other comedian

00:03:37.500 in my career, maybe, in some ways.

00:03:42.000 I'm grateful to know him.

00:03:43.420 I'm grateful to have him.

00:03:44.920 I'm also grateful to have

00:03:45.800 his beautiful, lovely co-host

00:03:48.300 and girlfriend.

00:03:51.340 It is the Slept King

00:03:53.140 and the Awake Queen.

00:03:55.420 It is Bobby Lee and Kalilah

00:03:58.440 from Tiger Belly.

00:04:04.880 that light on me

00:04:06.760 I'll sit and tell

00:04:10.860 you my stories

00:04:12.540 shine

00:04:14.880 on me

00:04:17.500 Bro, if I didn't care about y'all, I would never be racist to you.

00:04:23.120 Really?

00:04:24.000 Oh, yeah, dude. 1.00

00:04:25.740 When you say y'all, y'all gooks? 1.00

00:04:27.320 Is that what I want to say? Y'all ching chongs? 1.00

00:04:29.660 Whoa. 1.00

00:04:31.080 Sorry, I don't want to start.

00:04:31.980 I don't want to start. You know what, dude?

00:04:33.340 We were late

00:04:34.860 I felt frustrated about it

00:04:36.260 It's raining

00:04:37.260 I'm in a bad mood

00:04:39.100 I'm snappy

00:04:40.620 I'm very irritable

00:04:41.480 And so I want to

00:04:43.040 Reset my

00:04:43.960 Chi

00:04:44.880 That's the word 1.00

00:04:47.200 Core

00:04:47.980 Your core

00:04:49.500 You definitely gotta work

00:04:52.360 You seem like a nice lady

00:04:54.080 I am

00:04:54.880 Thank you

00:04:55.460 And I'm in an okay mood

00:04:57.600 Are you really?

00:04:58.460 Yeah

00:04:58.620 Well I want to say this to you guys

00:05:00.080 Happy Valentines

00:05:01.000 Have you started yet?

00:05:02.740 Huh?

00:05:03.340 You are starting?

00:05:05.080 Oh, my bad.

00:05:06.600 Start over, because then I'm going to put my podcast smile on.

00:05:10.480 Okay.

00:05:11.800 Look.

00:05:14.320 Jesus.

00:05:16.140 I was hoping it was something different than that.

00:05:18.980 Yeah, I had dinner at Craig's last night, guys.

00:05:21.560 Craig List?

00:05:22.320 Huh?

00:05:22.940 What?

00:05:23.780 No, Craig's the restaurant.

00:05:25.120 Oh, I thought it was some guy named Craig.

00:05:27.440 No, Craig.

00:05:28.740 Okay.

00:05:29.040 And also

00:05:30.320 I got this hat

00:05:31.460 From somebody named

00:05:32.180 David Spade

00:05:33.400 So

00:05:34.100 Hmm

00:05:35.300 Did you

00:05:37.020 Did he really give you that?

00:05:37.980 He gave me that

00:05:38.420 It's pretty cool

00:05:38.760 He's a good dude

00:05:39.300 Yeah he's a nice man 1.00

00:05:40.140 Is he a munchkin? 1.00

00:05:41.500 He's little 1.00

00:05:42.060 I don't know how big he is

00:05:43.980 He's kind of

00:05:44.600 He's like

00:05:45.120 Proportionally a dwarf

00:05:46.980 Well if you see

00:05:48.100 A smaller person

00:05:48.740 Do you feel like you guys

00:05:49.960 Like you know stuff

00:05:50.860 That they know

00:05:51.480 Like is there any sort of

00:05:52.620 Like

00:05:52.760 Well no no no

00:05:53.280 Because when I see

00:05:54.000 It depends on what race they are 0.99

00:05:55.480 Is there like any 0.89

00:05:55.900 Like Paquito symmetry

00:05:56.900 That goes on

00:05:57.400 When you see small people

00:05:58.320 no but if i see like a white dude that's like my height i get really sad for them oh i see that 0.50

00:06:06.140 yeah because you know genetically they should be delia style yeah right but then um if i see an 0.89

00:06:11.200 asian my height i'm like just like normal shit dude you know do you know if if somebody's asian 0.91

00:06:18.440 or not like is it the same i got this guy you have no idea yeah we have you know i'll tell you 0.98

00:06:22.660 how we know we have fucking eyes yeah well that's crazy even tell like i know my my korean best 0.96

00:06:29.260 friend she can tell the different the different gates between a japanese and a korean how they 0.99

00:06:34.440 walk and you know like the korean men the older men they walk with their hands behind their back

00:06:38.340 yeah yeah that but that yeah that spinal support i can always tell money instead of buying a back 0.96

00:06:42.580 brace a lot i'm just like well i'll just put this right here yeah yeah even like the keanu reeves

00:06:46.800 asians they're like 10 percent 15 percent they could pass themselves off as white i can tell 0.97

00:06:53.300 and usually i can go yeah you're fucking 20 12 percent mong oh really yeah yeah yeah now you 0.99

00:06:59.580 know how do you know and they get all excited you know who's sneaky is the laotians why are they 0.98

00:07:05.700 sneaky well because you don't know who they are you're like are they filipino are they hawaiian 0.85

00:07:09.880 what are they doing are they juggling are they faking it yeah yeah yeah and then they're actually

00:07:14.480 lay ocean and then when you sweat you can smell like pineapple juice oh my god it smells like 0.76

00:07:19.380 the fucking lobby at a uh at a ramada in kawaii you know yeah beautiful scent yeah so love is in 0.91

00:07:26.980 the air you guys have been lovers for how long and this is our six six years of loving wow year 0.97

00:07:32.780 together and when was the first time that you guys if it's okay to talk about it when was the

00:07:36.120 first time you guys had sexual intercourse probably two months no that's not true a month

00:07:40.680 into our relationship, right?

00:07:41.300 Monthly, it took a month.

00:07:42.580 But he had to drive.

00:07:43.680 I mean, he had to put in the work.

00:07:43.760 To Long Beach, bro, every day.

00:07:46.120 Did you really?

00:07:46.760 Yeah.

00:07:47.700 She didn't even come to my place for a month.

00:07:49.940 Did he Uber or did he drive? 0.99

00:07:51.280 I drove to fucking Long Beach every day. 1.00

00:07:53.400 I'm asking the woman. 1.00

00:07:56.220 He drove down there?

00:07:57.640 He did.

00:07:58.100 And what would he do when he came?

00:07:59.320 And he didn't try to mask his filth either.

00:08:00.660 He didn't try to?

00:08:01.380 No, he didn't try.

00:08:01.920 He didn't clean his car.

00:08:03.320 He had piles of like bottles

00:08:05.200 and just dirty underwear, everything.

00:08:07.420 Oh, it reminds me of my dad, bro. 0.82

00:08:08.760 That's so gross.

00:08:10.260 I was like, okay, well, I respect that.

00:08:12.280 This is his baseline, and he's not trying to front like he's anybody else.

00:08:16.160 Oh, that's pretty cool.

00:08:16.880 Yeah.

00:08:17.280 So there was no bait and switch, huh?

00:08:19.180 Mm-mm.

00:08:19.860 Did he?

00:08:20.740 There were a few, but more of a maybe an effort thing, not really a cleanliness thing. 0.98

00:08:27.480 From the get-go, I knew he was a pig, hygiene-wise. 0.95

00:08:32.140 He was a hygiene risk, they call it. 0.99

00:08:33.360 Yeah, yeah, for sure.

00:08:34.260 Hepatitis risk.

00:08:35.100 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:08:37.100 Definitely.

00:08:37.740 Wow.

00:08:38.360 Are you asleep or awake?

00:08:39.240 I had to get my booster shot.

00:08:40.800 Did you really?

00:08:41.520 Yeah.

00:08:42.060 Oh, definitely.

00:08:42.820 Yeah.

00:08:42.980 He seemed like that guy who's definitely got that fever in him.

00:08:46.480 You know, he's got the potential for, he's got the potential for fever.

00:08:50.440 Liver fever.

00:08:51.240 Oh, if you look, I couldn't even imagine seeing one of his blood cells under a microscope.

00:08:55.580 Who would even know? 0.99

00:08:56.400 It's probably just sitting there fucking vaping, you know? 1.00

00:08:59.620 So you guys, the full one month and you guys got into sex. 0.99

00:09:02.900 Now, how did that kind of start?

00:09:04.200 Because I'm, where was the first date?

00:09:05.780 Because I just want to learn about love.

00:09:07.160 It's Valentine's.

00:09:07.760 I want to learn about y'all's love.

00:09:09.240 we can talk about love

00:09:11.220 what are you

00:09:13.840 dude I feel like I'm on

00:09:15.220 Yellow Mirror

00:09:16.220 have you seen that show

00:09:17.300 bro

00:09:23.500 do it

00:09:24.080 bro

00:09:24.380 bro

00:09:26.720 yellow mirror

00:09:29.180 was very good

00:09:30.980 and

00:09:32.080 I would have given you

00:09:33.720 I would have given you

00:09:34.960 more of a laugh

00:09:35.860 if I wasn't so enraged

00:09:37.620 right now

00:09:37.960 sorry man 0.93

00:09:38.920 yeah yeah but you're let me say something right now okay that was fucking funny as fuck thank you 0.89

00:09:43.160 all right but listen to me okay yeah i am don't talk to me that way i won't do that okay because 0.98

00:09:48.060 i'm here as well yes we fucked a month in okay and it was not um we i go let me just stick the 0.98

00:09:57.480 tip in did he say that really no remember she's spreading no just let me just into like 0.98

00:10:02.640 hit training oh yeah circuit training oh yeah we did a little we had stations and you guys went to

00:10:09.460 an actual place you just made it up in a room no in my apartment in my apartment um living room

00:10:14.520 yeah we had stations that's where you do the air guitar right yeah that's where you know we do this

00:10:21.580 and over here you know you can put just the tip in right oh wow i stuck it in and i stuck it in

00:10:27.960 I stuck it out, you know.

00:10:29.160 I stuck it in, stuck it out.

00:10:30.400 Yeah.

00:10:31.140 But she wouldn't let me stick, keep it in there.

00:10:33.260 Oh, wow.

00:10:33.780 I like that.

00:10:34.280 Yeah, yeah.

00:10:34.940 It's old-fashioned.

00:10:35.360 So I did like five or six of those.

00:10:37.020 It's very New York.

00:10:37.380 And literally, that's all we did.

00:10:39.160 Oh, wow.

00:10:39.500 The first time.

00:10:40.640 So it wasn't real.

00:10:41.440 It was sex. 0.87

00:10:42.420 You know, on paper, it was sex. 0.97

00:10:43.820 But it was.

00:10:44.720 I just want to see if it fit.

00:10:45.460 I just want to see if it fit.

00:10:46.660 You know what I mean?

00:10:46.960 Like a meeting.

00:10:47.820 It was like a get-together.

00:10:47.980 No, you're going to the gap.

00:10:48.820 You're trying on, you know.

00:10:49.900 Yeah.

00:10:50.580 Jeans.

00:10:50.900 yeah yeah yeah okay the second time was even a bigger well the second time was a disaster

00:10:55.360 why because i didn't realize our height differential at that time yeah and he was

00:11:01.360 trying to you know we were trying to do it doggy style oh yeah and it turns out his thighs are

00:11:07.020 actually really short oh yeah so um he tried i thought it's like a yam he's built like a yam

00:11:12.640 so he would have had to done a half stand in order to get there oh yeah and his thighs apparently

00:11:18.280 were burning so midway through he was like i gotta go home i gotta go home so he just left

00:11:22.040 and he just rushed home he didn't even explain burning thighs is very so the next the third

00:11:27.060 time we did it prison style which is straight flat because it's the only thing that's all the

00:11:30.120 only style i can do burden burning thighs hidden dragon that's about it i can't do i've never done

00:11:37.460 um doggy the normal way oh wow because i'm so like short my legs and stuff so i just go lay

00:11:44.540 on your stomach right and then sometimes i have to like squeeze their legs together like that oh

00:11:49.740 yeah yeah so i can you know tighten the situation yeah yeah yeah do you now was it do you remember

00:11:56.120 being a kind of sensual had you guys been drinking or was it no we don't drink i don't drink i don't

00:12:00.200 i don't drink that's true forgot yeah do you but now had you been drinking and you had maybe some 1.00

00:12:04.860 tea or something or does she have to be drugged out to fuck me or what is that what you're saying 1.00

00:12:08.540 that she has to be in some sort of state a drunken state for me or a coma or something for her to 1.00

00:12:13.600 fuck me? If she's going to let some guy drive down 1.00

00:12:15.460 Long Beach in a fucking dirty car, 1.00

00:12:18.140 I wouldn't be surprised if she has 1.00

00:12:19.460 a fucking, you know, a couple of fucking 1.00

00:12:21.180 Mick Ultras, bro. What the fuck? 1.00

00:12:22.940 But I'm also going to just say this, though, Theo, 0.99

00:12:25.140 is that, let's be clear

00:12:27.300 about this, is that she's

00:12:28.920 aware of who I am as well, right?

00:12:31.340 Okay, that's true. So you have that.

00:12:33.020 She's not a huge fan, but

00:12:35.000 you know, it's not like I've done more than

00:12:37.180 YouTube. Right. Right?

00:12:38.940 Very true. So I can get above YouTube,

00:12:41.300 you know? Right. It's not like you have to

00:12:43.280 fuck uh who was that um that girl gail um did the um with the puppets you know i'm talking about 0.99

00:12:51.140 puppet gail is that uh uh no what was her name she had a tv show went on the e eventually 0.99

00:12:56.620 yeah get um you know i'm talking about went on the e entertainment or vh1 or something 0.98

00:13:01.880 she oh grinda grinda no it was on i i honestly don't even know what the fuck you're talking 0.98

00:13:08.320 about right now. YouTube. What was the lady's name? 0.99

00:13:10.080 Blonde haired. Gail Bennett. 1.00

00:13:12.460 Gilda. Gail Bennett.

00:13:15.380 Hilda. 0.78

00:13:16.220 Nighttime with

00:13:16.840 And she

00:13:19.780 played with puppets. Gritten.

00:13:22.540 Maybe not puppets. Makeup or

00:13:24.140 something. Tutorials. She did all

00:13:26.220 of it. Sit down. You know what?

00:13:27.920 Honestly, just let it go. No, Yanni will come up with it.

00:13:29.980 I know who you're talking about. 0.84

00:13:31.560 She's great. Christine. Christine? 0.69

00:13:33.740 Yeah, right? She does her own 1.00

00:13:36.040 do-it-yourself show on Netflix. 0.58

00:13:38.320 Where she makes cakes

00:13:40.040 And then she talks to puppets

00:13:41.340 I like that though

00:13:42.740 That's cool

00:13:43.640 No this was Gail I think

00:13:45.440 Or Grenda

00:13:46.380 Or G

00:13:47.180 Hilda

00:13:49.020 Helga

00:13:49.780 Herda 0.97

00:13:51.040 Blondie 0.98

00:13:52.100 Anyway

00:13:52.680 Can I just say something 0.98

00:13:53.440 You guys got any sex 0.97

00:13:54.360 What I love about you right now dude 0.99

00:13:55.980 Is that you have some

00:13:57.040 New clothing

00:13:57.940 Because I've been analyzing

00:13:58.840 Your clothing for the last year

00:14:00.100 Really?

00:14:00.740 Yeah and you look like 0.99

00:14:01.900 You have some new shit on 1.00

00:14:02.960 Like those pants 0.99

00:14:04.140 I've never seen you wear

00:14:05.000 Thank you

00:14:05.420 What are those

00:14:05.780 Are those sweats?

00:14:06.820 Yeah somebody mailed these into us

00:14:08.120 And what brand are they?

00:14:09.240 Because I want to get a pair of those.

00:14:10.380 I like how they thin out in the bottom like that.

00:14:12.500 Are they Nike or what?

00:14:13.860 No, no, no.

00:14:14.540 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:14:15.100 Some guy makes these.

00:14:16.120 Okay.

00:14:16.580 I'll tell you.

00:14:17.020 We could just do it after one, maybe.

00:14:18.160 Well, I'll just tell you right now.

00:14:19.340 Okay. 0.99

00:14:19.740 While they're still looking for this lady. 1.00

00:14:20.960 Blonde-haired girl.

00:14:21.480 Is it Mabel?

00:14:22.080 No, Gerda Helbig.

00:14:24.980 Grace Helbig. 0.98

00:14:25.840 Oh, she had puppets?

00:14:27.500 Yeah. 0.98

00:14:28.000 Oh, Grace Helbig.

00:14:29.320 Endeavor.

00:14:29.820 It's called Endeavor.

00:14:30.460 They do have some.

00:14:30.760 I can just get some pants like that.

00:14:32.060 You look nice, though.

00:14:32.980 Yeah.

00:14:33.320 Green socks. 0.99

00:14:33.840 that kind of goes along with the thing yeah yeah thank you man um so do you so you guys had sex

00:14:38.740 and after that then what happened because then you would was there love in the air already was

00:14:45.100 there pretty strong love or were you guys still kind of figuring it out do you think i'm just

00:14:48.940 curious about love and like in the big in the big okay i'm gonna i'm gonna be completely honest

00:14:53.920 with you oh wow somebody's getting mugged i'm gonna be completely honest with you right now

00:14:57.580 is that I met her on Tinder

00:15:00.040 and I was

00:15:02.420 smashing

00:15:03.080 smashing grabs

00:15:06.160 in fact on our first date he was showing me

00:15:08.220 other Tinder dates

00:15:09.020 it was like that show Supermarket Sweep

00:15:12.720 get in the hand

00:15:14.020 get in the hand

00:15:15.340 and you smash smash and all of a sudden

00:15:18.660 I found

00:15:20.200 Kalilah

00:15:20.840 I drive to Long Beach 0.94

00:15:22.820 the first time I meet her at a coffee shop

00:15:26.080 In my head I'm like 1.00

00:15:27.700 Oh fuck 0.99

00:15:28.920 This could be a project 1.00

00:15:31.320 Wow

00:15:32.060 A project

00:15:32.940 No no not a project

00:15:33.800 But you know that it's gonna be

00:15:35.160 I'm gonna know her for the rest of my life

00:15:37.540 That's better 1.00

00:15:37.980 Oh wow that's pretty

00:15:39.220 That's a nice thing to say

00:15:40.120 You knew there was something different about her

00:15:41.600 There was something different about her

00:15:42.920 You know I liked her forehead

00:15:44.080 I liked

00:15:45.700 I could see that 0.89

00:15:46.600 Yeah I liked her 1.00

00:15:47.980 The way she walked and moved 0.99

00:15:49.560 But here's the thing about her 0.99

00:15:50.840 Pigeon toad 1.00

00:15:51.380 And she's a swimmer 1.00

00:15:52.180 She's hot right

00:15:53.080 But what I hear is the thing

00:15:55.000 that made me lover

00:15:56.160 is because you know

00:15:57.560 how like mythological I am.

00:15:59.240 Oh, yeah.

00:15:59.520 And Pigeon Toe, 1.00

00:16:00.120 that's part of Native,

00:16:00.780 that's kind of Native American.

00:16:02.580 But my body is like,

00:16:03.960 you know,

00:16:04.520 unclear of what it is.

00:16:06.880 Oh, yeah, dude.

00:16:08.180 You know,

00:16:08.360 like my body can't decide.

00:16:09.760 It's like an amoeba.

00:16:10.820 It's like an amoeba, right?

00:16:11.840 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:16:12.200 You're fucking 1.00

00:16:12.720 like a gristly Rubik's Cube. 1.00

00:16:14.700 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:16:15.460 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:16:16.280 Right.

00:16:16.960 And I have eyes.

00:16:17.920 I look at myself in the mirror.

00:16:19.000 Oh, yeah.

00:16:19.500 And I don't go,

00:16:20.420 hey, like Fonzie, right?

00:16:21.860 I just go,

00:16:22.320 you know what I mean?

00:16:23.520 But like,

00:16:24.100 And so when I was at that coffee shop with her the first day, it was a long couch we're

00:16:29.060 sitting on and she was really close to me and she just locked eyes with me and she was

00:16:34.840 literally interested about everything that I was saying.

00:16:37.440 Oh, that would scare me.

00:16:38.560 Yeah. 1.00

00:16:38.800 And she was a hot too. 1.00

00:16:39.800 So I was like, oh, this is what the fuck? 1.00

00:16:42.380 You know, I was hard. 0.99

00:16:43.480 Yeah.

00:16:43.900 Oh my God.

00:16:44.640 Yeah.

00:16:44.800 Yeah. 1.00

00:16:44.960 My dick got hard. 0.99

00:16:46.020 It's hard now. 1.00

00:16:46.760 Oh, that's cool.

00:16:47.280 You can't tell through the genes.

00:16:48.420 You can't tell.

00:16:50.540 Yeah.

00:16:50.980 I couldn't, I couldn't imagine telling at all.

00:16:52.360 But I think that's cool

00:16:54.160 I like to

00:16:54.740 If I'm hard

00:16:55.560 I tell people in the room now

00:16:56.600 Because I don't want to cry

00:16:57.380 I'm not doing that

00:16:59.080 Right right right

00:16:59.640 You'll be able to tell 1.00

00:17:00.340 With those pants 0.85

00:17:00.920 You'll be able to tell 0.84

00:17:01.360 Oh yeah 0.99

00:17:01.700 Your junk is pretty clear too 1.00

00:17:03.480 I got that fucking 1.00

00:17:04.620 Sleeping bird look 1.00

00:17:05.820 You know

00:17:06.840 Yeah yeah yeah 1.00

00:17:07.320 That's how my dick rolls down 1.00

00:17:08.580 So when I met her 1.00

00:17:09.520 That's what happened

00:17:10.460 And then

00:17:11.000 And then here we are

00:17:13.520 Six years later

00:17:14.120 Wow

00:17:14.460 And what do you guys do

00:17:16.160 To keep it fresh these days

00:17:17.400 I mean I know you guys

00:17:18.180 Have like

00:17:18.440 We're having a little thing

00:17:20.560 Yeah

00:17:21.380 yeah i i would imagine you there were 50 other better couples to bring on a valentine's day 0.99

00:17:26.100 episode that you know what i mean oh i don't know anybody that's even in a fucking relationship 0.97

00:17:30.680 except you guys really you know i mean i'm 80 days off pornography and that's the one of the 0.96

00:17:36.120 longest relationships you are yeah 80 days i can't that's what i need to do not even photographs or 0.99

00:17:41.720 pictures or anything so like if he grazed his finger on your dick right now you'd come oh i 0.99

00:17:46.300 wouldn't come you don't even get hard bro i'd probably rest i'm really good at that though 1.00

00:17:51.140 yeah i'm when i'm grazing fingers i'm fucking that i have a black belt in it they call him 0.98

00:17:57.180 grazing bobby yeah i make a noise and i go yeah i do that whole thing too 0.92

00:18:01.960 can we try no dude all right bro um yeah i do think people should be allowed to touch themselves

00:18:08.160 in front of other people though i do think people should be allowed to touch themselves

00:18:11.260 in front of other people as long as other people in the room know that they're doing that yeah

00:18:15.960 with the clothes on yeah right you can't just pull it out and touch yourself yeah and um i still 0.99

00:18:21.720 think it should be illegal yeah to just show your dick and to touch yourself in public yeah that 1.00

00:18:26.960 louis ck model kind of you know yeah that was crazy have you ever had a man do something like 1.00

00:18:31.680 that where he just pulled out his junk and just started of course i'm a woman right and is it

00:18:35.540 cool is it scary what was the vibe when you were involved in it the first time that happened to me

00:18:39.160 in america it never happened to me when i was living in the philippines surprisingly wow but

00:18:43.800 When I came here, I was on the 181.

00:18:45.780 Country fail, you know.

00:18:47.500 I was on the 181 bus from Pasadena City College to Altadena.

00:18:54.060 And it was 9 p.m. and I was with my swim bag.

00:18:56.620 And some guy just, and the whole bus was empty.

00:18:59.260 And some guy came into the bus, sat right next to me, 1.00

00:19:02.060 pulled out his huge dick and just started stroking it. 1.00

00:19:04.680 Wow. 1.00

00:19:05.040 And I was like 15 years old.

00:19:06.920 She was like this, bro. 0.99

00:19:08.460 Like she was kind of testing like a fucking lava lamp 0.99

00:19:11.320 to see if it was like expensive, you know. 0.98

00:19:13.420 Oh, and another time, there was this guy who seemed like he was in a, he seemed like one of those, like, ministers, like a religious type.

00:19:20.980 They come hard. 0.99

00:19:22.800 And he had his dick on the bus again. 1.00

00:19:26.000 He had his dick in between, like, his Bible or a book. 1.00

00:19:29.320 I'm not sure if it was a Bible. 0.99

00:19:30.300 It looked like a Bible.

00:19:31.200 Yeah. 0.99

00:19:31.620 He was just ever so delicately jerking himself off with a book. 0.99

00:19:37.380 Wow, dude. 0.98

00:19:37.960 It's like using his Psalms, you know?

00:19:40.360 That's pretty cool.

00:19:41.200 Now, I'll tell you this.

00:19:42.100 The first time I ever even masturbated, really, I'd go to the public library, and they would have these art books, books of art, and they would have pictures.

00:19:55.920 People would have painted Rubenesque women lying by the river or lying in the woods.

00:19:59.660 Remember that?

00:20:00.020 And they'd have a wolf in the distance, kind of like an apple.

00:20:02.800 This is like Peter Paul Rubens and stuff like that.

00:20:04.960 If you look that guy up, can we see some of his art, Nick?

00:20:07.260 And I would get the pictures, bro, and it would make me so hard because you could see brass.

00:20:11.420 they painted them you know nice breasts and so i would literally i remember close i would be so

00:20:16.340 hard bro i could barely there was there was barely enough blood to like keep my eyes open and stuff 0.99

00:20:20.560 see find the breast one find something with a tit in it no yeah breast there you go boom boom 0.99

00:20:28.180 bo bo bo bo hey yeah yeah jack city catch it and see i used to masturbate to joel peter witkin 1.00

00:20:39.220 Joel Peter Wittgen 0.97

00:20:41.820 Some really great early

00:20:43.900 Joel Peter Wittgen 0.95

00:20:46.100 Yeah dude that's my shit right there dude 0.99

00:20:48.640 All day every day 1.00

00:20:50.180 Look at that shit right there 1.00

00:20:51.020 Yeah dude that's my thing right there 1.00

00:20:54.160 That's in my ass 1.00

00:20:54.960 That's in my ass 1.00

00:20:56.880 Yeah dude that's my thing right there 1.00

00:21:00.500 Who is that Andy Dick

00:21:01.940 Is that Andy Dick

00:21:03.360 Oh you know 0.98

00:21:06.740 The fourth time we had sex

00:21:08.220 We get it to My 600 Pound Life

00:21:10.360 Remember that?

00:21:10.840 Oh yeah yeah

00:21:11.200 We watch My 600 Pound Life

00:21:12.480 Yeah yeah

00:21:12.940 Oh I come to A&E bro

00:21:14.460 Yeah yeah

00:21:14.920 Here's the thing though dude

00:21:17.580 Oh yeah

00:21:18.620 Yeah that's my thing dude

00:21:19.480 Oh it's TLC

00:21:19.960 I love it

00:21:20.680 Yeah I don't bust a TLC bro

00:21:21.660 But you know what I used to do

00:21:22.440 Back in the day is like

00:21:23.460 I would meet a girl

00:21:24.740 At a comedy club right

00:21:25.800 And you know you're on the road

00:21:27.480 And then you're in the hotel room

00:21:29.760 And some older comic

00:21:31.640 Told me to do this

00:21:32.420 And I don't know if it's illegal

00:21:33.300 But when you make it

00:21:34.660 And then you think

00:21:35.460 It's gonna go further

00:21:36.140 And they're like

00:21:36.560 Yeah I just don't know you

00:21:37.620 And then I would ask 0.99

00:21:39.220 Can I jerk off 0.99

00:21:40.180 Yes 0.99

00:21:41.180 You can do that right

00:21:42.380 That's legal

00:21:43.060 Yes and if she says no

00:21:44.520 Yeah

00:21:44.920 Then it's no

00:21:45.940 What if she says

00:21:46.540 I don't know

00:21:47.260 Then you have to clarify

00:21:49.400 You gotta make up your mind

00:21:50.380 And you have to wait

00:21:51.160 Until she gives you

00:21:51.960 A firm answer

00:21:52.640 Oh really

00:21:53.280 It can take months

00:21:54.080 Really

00:21:54.560 If she says I don't know

00:21:55.700 Or I'm 50-50 on it

00:21:57.020 You can't take a risk

00:21:58.300 You can't

00:22:00.080 It's like let's make a deal

00:22:01.480 But like

00:22:02.000 Yeah

00:22:02.560 Risky

00:22:03.200 Yeah

00:22:03.560 It's like

00:22:04.080 I'm on the fence about it

00:22:05.860 And in my head I was like

00:22:07.500 I would just go for it.

00:22:08.980 Yeah. 1.00

00:22:09.980 And you would jerk off like this. 1.00

00:22:11.020 And then if they said you can, can you like jizz on them or no? 0.99

00:22:15.700 I would only do that if I knew I had a decent amount of jizz in me. 0.99

00:22:18.960 If I've been masturbating that week or something, I'm not doing something like that. 0.99

00:22:22.140 He's not a big jizzer. 0.99

00:22:23.360 He's like a little baby tiny dollop.

00:22:25.420 Oh, yeah. 0.99

00:22:25.720 Like a couple of guys, like a truck rolled over and a couple of guys are fucking escaping from him. 0.82

00:22:28.440 No, it's not that. 0.89

00:22:29.280 I don't drink a lot of water.

00:22:30.300 He doesn't drink a lot of water. 0.97

00:22:31.340 And also, I masturbate so much, it just comes out in like Visine drops. 0.97

00:22:34.640 It actually just doesn't even shoot out. 0.98

00:22:36.760 It just kind of melts out

00:22:38.380 Like candle wax

00:22:39.760 Oh wow

00:22:41.240 Like you played ski bottles but just won two tickets

00:22:45.960 Yeah like that

00:22:47.380 Oh that's sad

00:22:48.940 Now

00:22:49.980 Have you ever done like 0.77

00:22:53.100 A threesome with two dudes and one girl 0.96

00:22:55.680 No way

00:22:58.180 You've never done that 1.00

00:22:59.740 Watching some guy fuck dude 0.98

00:23:01.660 I've done that so many times with other comedians 0.94

00:23:03.840 Have you really

00:23:04.340 Oh I've heard about some of this

00:23:05.580 You drive down to Commerce Casino, you and the boys.

00:23:08.140 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:23:09.260 You should tell a story about how that guy,

00:23:11.540 how you gave some guy conjunctivitis.

00:23:14.460 Oh, yeah.

00:23:14.740 So I was at the comedy store one day,

00:23:16.940 and I was doing my first headlining gig in Las Vegas.

00:23:21.000 And the guy that ran the room was Steve Schrippa.

00:23:24.160 You know who that guy is?

00:23:25.360 Right.

00:23:25.800 He was in The Sopranos.

00:23:27.000 But back in the day, he used to run Riviera, right?

00:23:30.300 And Dice Clay used to call me Ching.

00:23:32.900 He didn't even know my real name. 0.90

00:23:35.060 Right.

00:23:35.240 so everyone else

00:23:37.660 started calling me Ching

00:23:38.460 that's the guy

00:23:38.960 oh there he is

00:23:39.640 he died

00:23:40.040 no he's alive

00:23:41.060 but Shrippa called me

00:23:42.460 and he goes

00:23:42.900 hey Ching

00:23:44.080 you headline 0.50

00:23:45.520 I go my name is Bobby 0.71

00:23:47.400 whatever Ching

00:23:48.580 you know they used to call me that

00:23:49.640 oh yeah they used to call him that by us

00:23:51.020 back in the 90s 0.99

00:23:51.120 you give a fuck right 0.99

00:23:51.860 oh if we saw one 1.00

00:23:52.540 we'd call him that

00:23:53.340 yeah right

00:23:55.180 I mean not if you're standing there

00:23:56.740 but if you're driving by

00:23:57.720 right

00:23:58.060 so there was these two open micers

00:24:00.540 Brian Keith Etheridge

00:24:01.620 and Aaron Cater

00:24:02.400 uh huh

00:24:02.920 oh I know Aaron Cater

00:24:03.660 you know Aaron right 0.99

00:24:04.200 Palestinian

00:24:05.300 Yeah, that's right. 0.99

00:24:05.900 He's like the last Palestinian. 1.00

00:24:06.900 He's like the loose one. 1.00

00:24:07.680 The rest of them are paged up outside of Israel.

00:24:10.140 Yeah, yeah.

00:24:10.640 Well, he's the only trustworthy one that I know.

00:24:12.380 Is he?

00:24:12.860 Yeah.

00:24:13.540 Hey, I'm joking.

00:24:14.040 He's a really, really nice guy.

00:24:15.020 He's a great guy. 0.99

00:24:15.480 He's also cute as fuck. 0.99

00:24:16.620 He's a hard worker. 1.00

00:24:17.360 He's cute as fuck. 1.00

00:24:17.800 Oh, he's beautiful, too, huh? 1.00

00:24:18.880 His eyes are beautiful.

00:24:20.340 His eyes, not curly hair.

00:24:21.600 What is it about the curly hair and nice eye combo that just makes everybody will come

00:24:25.200 to that? 0.93

00:24:25.620 What about the straight hair slanty eye? 1.00

00:24:28.040 I mean, it's an acquired taste, brother. 1.00

00:24:30.120 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

00:24:30.760 Look, if you're in a plane crash, you are definitely the first one that's going to get fucked, bro, or eaten. 1.00

00:24:36.960 Fucked or eaten? 1.00

00:24:37.940 Oh, you seem like the kind of little dessert boy that gets kind of fucked in prison, but only around the holidays, you know? 1.00

00:24:44.400 Like the rest of the year, this little fucking, you know, this little lemon tart is off. 1.00

00:24:50.140 Yeah. 0.99

00:24:50.820 But in prison, dude, I would be loose.

00:24:53.960 Oh, my God.

00:24:54.840 I would just be a walking hole, dude.

00:24:57.280 Bro.

00:24:57.680 But I would have a lot of cigarettes

00:24:59.640 And side stuff 0.99

00:25:00.900 Because I would whore myself to the point 0.92

00:25:02.700 Where I had all the staff 0.90

00:25:04.040 Video games, tattoos

00:25:05.400 Yeah, like if you were in prison

00:25:06.600 I'd go, you want a Twinkie? 0.99

00:25:08.100 I got one because I fucked Tyrone last year 1.00

00:25:10.040 You want a Twinkie? 1.00

00:25:11.080 Come get this, Twink 0.99

00:25:12.200 So anyway, so these two open micers

00:25:14.300 Drive me to Vegas

00:25:15.020 And we're in Las Vegas Boulevard

00:25:17.120 And we stop at a stoplight 1.00

00:25:18.280 And there was two redneck sisters 1.00

00:25:20.320 One was like 300 pounds 1.00

00:25:22.400 The other one was 62 pounds

00:25:24.520 Oh wow

00:25:24.880 Wasn't one toothless?

00:25:26.060 Yeah they all

00:25:26.660 No they were both toothless

00:25:27.740 Oh okay

00:25:28.160 Wait hold on 0.73

00:25:30.080 They had teeth

00:25:30.920 But randomly

00:25:31.820 Okay

00:25:32.340 So they had estranged teeth

00:25:34.080 People don't 1.00

00:25:35.400 Toothless people don't 1.00

00:25:36.180 Hang out together 1.00

00:25:37.160 There's one person with teeth

00:25:38.880 And one person without

00:25:40.120 That's the rule of being toothless

00:25:41.160 I would never hang out 0.99

00:25:41.780 With a toothless person

00:25:42.860 Right but a toothless person

00:25:44.020 Would never never

00:25:45.600 Hang out with a toothless person

00:25:47.180 So there's a

00:25:47.900 With a toothed person

00:25:48.760 You mean

00:25:49.020 I would hang out

00:25:49.560 Oh no no

00:25:49.920 A toothless would never go

00:25:51.820 Double toothless

00:25:52.760 Oh

00:25:53.260 But I would hang out 1.00

00:25:54.100 With a toothless

00:25:54.640 So I could brag

00:25:55.340 Every once in a while

00:25:56.000 Just go like this

00:25:56.700 Yeah

00:25:57.020 You know what I mean

00:25:57.800 Yeah let me see

00:25:58.840 And smile like really loud

00:25:59.560 Like in that song where it's like

00:26:00.480 Let me see your grill

00:26:01.620 Let me see your what

00:26:02.980 And then you point at him

00:26:03.980 And he's like

00:26:04.460 Yeah yeah

00:26:06.900 So we stop at a stoplight 1.00

00:26:08.740 And one of the sisters rolls on the window 0.99

00:26:11.620 She goes 1.00

00:26:11.960 We think you're cute

00:26:13.420 To Aaron Cater

00:26:14.580 Oh yeah

00:26:15.440 Because they saw his curly hair 1.00

00:26:16.600 He jumps out of the fucking car 1.00

00:26:18.220 That steny in bro 1.00

00:26:19.020 A lot of chicks love that fucking steny 1.00

00:26:20.500 Yeah yeah yeah 1.00

00:26:21.220 And this is

00:26:22.440 I think this was pre 9-11

00:26:25.780 Oh, yeah.

00:26:26.360 So, you know, they can do what you want, bro.

00:26:28.300 Yeah, they want you, yeah, yeah.

00:26:29.320 You know what I'm saying?

00:26:29.680 This is Matthew Shepard.

00:26:30.180 So he disappears, bro.

00:26:31.260 We don't know where he is.

00:26:32.440 So I get to the Riviera and I tell Brian, I go,

00:26:34.980 but first of all, also, Brian Keith Etheridge,

00:26:36.980 look him up. 0.72

00:26:37.960 Ugliest white dude that God ever made. 0.94

00:26:40.000 Is he, but is he a family man now? 1.00

00:26:42.280 I don't give a fuck, dude. 0.99

00:26:43.300 Are you allowed to tell the story? 1.00

00:26:43.900 I'll say it to his face. 1.00

00:26:44.880 Brian, God fucked your face up. 1.00

00:26:47.420 No, I think he's. 1.00

00:26:47.880 He didn't even try.

00:26:48.700 Look at that.

00:26:49.520 Oh, wow.

00:26:50.020 God didn't even try.

00:26:50.920 Look at that.

00:26:51.140 no chin

00:26:52.620 oh my god

00:26:54.980 was he in the military

00:26:57.160 that's the only photo you can see too

00:26:58.780 the one in the very far right

00:26:59.780 that's him right there

00:27:00.560 I think he's cute

00:27:01.700 you have no idea baby 0.79

00:27:03.400 that guy was the king of incels

00:27:04.940 he was the big first one

00:27:05.900 yeah and he has two first names 0.80

00:27:07.520 and then a lesbian

00:27:08.380 right 1.00

00:27:08.900 so I tell Brian

00:27:10.720 I go hey I'm gonna go

00:27:11.600 do a set list

00:27:12.760 I'll see you

00:27:13.240 because I had to do

00:27:14.120 the midnight show

00:27:14.740 in the Riviera

00:27:15.240 so when I show up

00:27:16.600 at the show dude

00:27:17.460 Brian Keith Etheridge

00:27:18.640 and Aaron Cater

00:27:19.300 were with these sisters dude

00:27:20.520 and Brian comes up to me

00:27:22.320 and goes

00:27:22.480 hey man

00:27:22.960 if you're funny 1.00

00:27:23.740 and these girls 1.00

00:27:25.400 are racist 1.00

00:27:26.220 they told us that

00:27:27.660 they don't hate 1.00

00:27:28.120 they hate chinks 1.00

00:27:28.820 oh wow

00:27:29.560 but they said

00:27:29.920 if you're funny

00:27:30.720 that they would blow you

00:27:32.180 oh wow

00:27:33.160 so I'm like

00:27:33.760 that's a very gummy 1.00

00:27:35.180 blowjob too 1.00

00:27:35.940 that's a prize 1.00

00:27:36.720 yeah right

00:27:37.780 that's a prize

00:27:38.500 that's indecisiveness too 0.96

00:27:40.000 we hate you

00:27:40.660 but if you're funny 0.92

00:27:41.420 yeah

00:27:41.900 so I have a good set

00:27:43.700 and then afterwards

00:27:44.680 they go yeah

00:27:46.600 so us five

00:27:48.640 wow

00:27:49.180 we go to my 0.99

00:27:49.700 our hotel room and it's like six hours of debauchery fucking two that all as well yeah 0.95

00:27:58.140 but it's like i came like 12 times it was like crazy and like nightmare yeah two on one one on 0.90

00:28:07.140 one it was crazy but i like but around four in the morning i want to see that four on one dude

00:28:13.840 one person's asleep yeah the other four does criminals but check it out dude this is so at

00:28:19.100 four in the morning i'm with the fat one right on my bed and i'm doing her doggy style yeah

00:28:26.120 but i have her you know that big dog huh ever but she she's so much all that cleaning the kennel

00:28:31.740 baby and um you know i'm saying the lunch bunch so i look around i like taking the school bus

00:28:40.240 you know yeah and i look around and i don't know where brian is oh yeah right i know where aaron is

00:28:48.100 aaron's with the other girl yeah so i'm doing a dog i don't know where brian is 0.95

00:28:52.740 and so a couple minutes pass and then all of a sudden i feel something tickling my butthole

00:28:59.720 oh yeah and it feels like a feather oh wow yeah yeah and i turn around and there's no one there

00:29:06.980 so now i think is it paranormal right like a nate like a nate like a native american ghost or

00:29:14.140 something or white yeah yeah but the feather i'm saying though oh that's right unless you

00:29:19.980 be like a white yes i'm like a writer for the 1800s yeah yeah yeah so i keep going but then 0.82

00:29:26.300 now i know it's not a feather now oh yeah it's it's like some sort of flesh on my rectum oh yeah 0.95

00:29:33.740 right i got scared as you do yeah right if you don't know where your bro is something you're 0.98

00:29:41.420 you're with a girl and then you feel something something happening on your anus what it is 0.98

00:29:47.180 right there's a there's something right there's a man with a feather over there 0.98

00:29:54.720 i love that song it's a good song right so then i go and then all of a sudden i looked down 1.00

00:30:03.820 right and he had crawled underneath her oh yeah and he was eating her vagina oh wow 0.99

00:30:11.420 while i was doing it it's like michelangelo paint like from you know yeah the ceiling or whatever 0.99

00:30:16.660 yeah yeah yeah doing that roof work the roof work right yeah even this thing didn't he do that he

00:30:22.360 did that thing yeah yeah it sounds right yeah yeah yeah so i in my head you don't know what to do 0.66

00:30:27.260 because i'm about to come but also this is gay yeah so you're caught in a situation like what

00:30:32.900 what do you do yeah like what would you do man with a gun over there yeah yeah right 0.99

00:30:38.700 so my my thing was speed fuck get out oh wow that's that carl lewis bro yeah yeah power 1.00

00:30:46.360 fuck it power fuck it power fucking's insane delia told me dude if you're a power fucker 1.00

00:30:51.740 shut it down man that shit is so old school you know he's in the railroad he's a slow fucker he 1.00

00:30:57.460 said he's a slow guy yeah yeah and i always believe him i always power fuck because i think 1.00

00:31:01.960 the girl's gonna change their mind right so i just go so i can come before they go i've decided 0.98

00:31:07.720 not to you know finish you know so i was doing it i started power fucking her and then something 0.94

00:31:12.540 happened where he kind of adjusted i adjusted a little bit and i tried to stick it back in and 0.99

00:31:18.540 he got he came up like this no and my penis rubs his eye oh wow right when you when you stick your 0.99

00:31:25.380 penis in another man's eye it's a party stopper yeah i could see that ends it ends all the vibe 1.00

00:31:34.360 i could see definitely somebody being like hey i'm gonna grab some ice you know yeah yeah definitely

00:31:38.900 it was uncomfortable wow so we stopped i didn't come and then i just hey everybody you guys want

00:31:44.460 to eat breakfast and it was like yeah so we go down to the buffet now it's like five in the 0.75

00:31:50.580 eating with a group of people if y'all have been fucking sounds way native american bro 1.00

00:31:55.900 that shit sounds like pygmy style bro let's all fuck and then go get it and then go kill a fucking 1.00

00:32:01.460 uh pheasant you know you gotta tighten up yeah so then what ends up happening is that more happened 1.00

00:32:07.620 yeah more it's not even done so we're at breakfast bro and you know i'm trying to

00:32:13.880 because i need to sleep yeah i'm tired and i and you know i'm talking to the people

00:32:18.400 i'm eating my bacon you know and i look at brian and his there's a yellow oh yeah film

00:32:26.780 they had dried over his eye oh wow and it was infected oh yeah he couldn't open it right oh 0.94

00:32:36.520 yeah that polynesian hush puppy they call that when that thing gets all fucking flared up and 0.97

00:32:42.160 shuts down son from 1.00

00:32:44.100 group sex 1.00

00:32:45.660 I gave him the Polynesian 0.99

00:32:47.940 so now I'm tired

00:32:52.140 and I'm like

00:32:53.100 in my head I'm like just let it go

00:32:56.200 don't even tell him about it

00:32:57.320 just go to sleep

00:33:00.320 he might lose the eye but that's

00:33:02.200 his bad but then my other

00:33:04.180 side was like you gotta say something

00:33:06.180 so I'm like

00:33:07.620 I go your eye dude

00:33:10.240 he's like what

00:33:12.760 clearly you can't see through

00:33:15.480 that eye dude

00:33:17.300 right he's like yeah you're right

00:33:20.000 right like he should

00:33:22.060 have known that like I can't see

00:33:24.160 but then I

00:33:26.000 yeah he forced me to call 1.00

00:33:27.980 him out what an idiot 1.00

00:33:29.380 what an idiot right if you can't see no 1.00

00:33:31.440 that's my thing yeah me too 1.00

00:33:33.880 doesn't he wear glasses too

00:33:35.580 yeah I'm like

00:33:37.880 so what do you want to do like you know

00:33:40.160 what do you want to do about it yeah i was hoping he was like you know no this happens all the time

00:33:45.280 if i take it so we go to sleep it'll be better that's not what he said yeah he goes it hurts

00:33:51.040 oh it hurts real bad right it's infected it's sad so now we have to go to the hospital

00:33:57.400 you got that black eye bro what you got that black eye yeah yeah so now imagine how i'm feeling it's

00:34:04.720 seven in the morning now six in the morning you're driving to the hospital and you haven't even come 0.95

00:34:09.440 yet did you come or not i come to a bunch of times before the act oh that's disgusting and so

00:34:13.800 we go to the hospital and brian you know was like hey guys i'm really embarrassed so you can't say 0.99

00:34:19.120 that you jabbed your dick in my eye yeah so i go what are you gonna say he's i'll come up with 0.98

00:34:24.580 something brush by fairy tale right so we go and the doctor comes and he goes what happened 0.99

00:34:31.700 and then brian he's a comic so he goes he skull fucked me and that's the end of the story 0.95

00:34:36.880 but he got antibiotics 0.98

00:34:39.300 and he can see out of that eye now

00:34:41.760 oh wow

00:34:42.300 yes it's a good story

00:34:43.480 see if he has an eye in the picture

00:34:44.660 can you tell him in that picture

00:34:45.620 that anything's wrong with him or something

00:34:46.940 I think that photo was before the eye

00:34:49.300 yeah

00:34:50.500 well

00:34:51.540 that's crazy

00:34:52.860 BKE

00:34:53.400 you've never been with him

00:34:54.840 like if you and I

00:34:55.900 if I was single

00:34:56.660 and you and I were on the road 1.00

00:34:57.860 and like the hottest chick was like 1.00

00:35:00.100 I'll fuck both of you 1.00

00:35:01.200 you wouldn't do it with me 1.00

00:35:02.480 I guess I would do it if

00:35:05.160 you

00:35:06.400 one of us would have to like wear a sheet or something

00:35:08.620 I feel like or wear like a

00:35:10.300 like a Klansman

00:35:11.900 no

00:35:12.220 I'll dress as a Klansman 1.00

00:35:15.900 I'll think she used to 1.00

00:35:18.700 poke a little hole 0.99

00:35:19.420 you don't have to say Klansman you're gonna say

00:35:22.560 a ghost 0.90

00:35:23.180 dude I prefer the term ghost

00:35:26.040 because I'll have the purple

00:35:27.220 I'll have the purple thing on

00:35:29.860 I'll be the grand wizard

00:35:32.220 I say ghost that's not for everybody

00:35:34.640 you know that's more my term but you would know you would do it if i was like had sheets on if you

00:35:39.540 were in an outfit or something cool i'm not going to sit there and you're fully naked and i'm fully

00:35:42.820 naked we're both trying to keep erections up you know yeah but you don't realize the um the the

00:35:48.420 vietnam war kind of bonding that we could have though dude i've been to a vietnam war memorial

00:35:53.120 museum so yeah but you weren't in the southeast so what i'm saying is that if you and i did

00:35:58.360 something like that it would make us like war buddies baked shrimp fried shrimp you know yeah

00:36:05.000 yeah yeah like that where's my leg right right right oh that was a great movie that was a great

00:36:11.880 movie gary sinise was the best huh sinise is great but it's just um even watching it now 0.94

00:36:17.200 and he's sitting on that the retarded guy is sitting on the couch or the bench and you see 0.96

00:36:22.240 that feather floating it's really nice i don't say you can't say retarded right oh you can say 0.92

00:36:27.440 at one time. 0.93

00:36:27.720 What was Forrest Gump?

00:36:29.180 Was he?

00:36:30.020 He had polio.

00:36:31.840 You had polio, really?

00:36:33.000 No, he didn't have polio.

00:36:34.480 He had autism.

00:36:35.000 He just had weak legs.

00:36:36.660 Yeah.

00:36:37.140 So there was no mental.

00:36:38.820 Yes, there was a delay.

00:36:40.080 There was a developmental, you know.

00:36:41.920 He had like.

00:36:43.300 Developmental delay.

00:36:43.900 Yeah, he was struggling.

00:36:45.100 Now, what about this?

00:36:46.160 So.

00:36:46.320 But if he was.

00:36:46.840 I have the last question.

00:36:47.720 If they had such a delay, how can he play ping pong that good?

00:36:51.920 Because you're not really.

00:36:53.620 Because his response.

00:36:54.680 His reflexes aren't slow.

00:36:55.800 His mental response time. 0.95

00:36:57.440 is off the charts right right so does that make him he could run and carrying a black man with 0.98

00:37:04.820 no legs in the nom i mean he could just do a lot of things yeah anyway all right maybe physically 0.58

00:37:10.340 is abnormal or something yeah i think if you have your motor skills seem fine it's the rest of them

00:37:15.960 you know it's the non-motor and autistics often have like uh they call them like eyelets of 0.68

00:37:20.580 competence they're autistic savants so they can do like a lot of other things weird uh well like

00:37:25.180 count or do math. 0.99

00:37:26.840 Like Rayman, Rayman, Rayman. 0.97

00:37:28.400 Oh, we had this autistic boy 0.58

00:37:31.080 named Lance Bust, autistic Lance, 1.00

00:37:32.960 and he could throw a fucking javelin, I swear to God, 0.99

00:37:35.460 almost probably 100 yards. 1.00

00:37:37.980 That was his thing? 1.00

00:37:39.060 Oh, and hit a fucking balloon, son. 1.00

00:37:40.860 They called him Lance a lot. 1.00

00:37:42.040 Yeah.

00:37:42.800 I don't know if they did or not.

00:37:43.840 That's cute, though.

00:37:44.980 And maybe they named him.

00:37:45.700 Oh, so you said that's real?

00:37:47.860 Maybe they named him because, oh, it is real.

00:37:49.660 Maybe they named him because they knew he was gonna do that.

00:37:52.520 I don't know if one of his parents was like a foreseer.

00:37:54.440 Oh, right, right, right, right, right. 0.99

00:37:55.900 But he, what the fuck happened to him? 1.00

00:37:58.400 He was an asshole, too. 1.00

00:37:59.440 I mean, he had skills, and then he was also an asshole. 1.00

00:38:01.960 But what about this? 0.99

00:38:02.780 So, you got this beautiful dime here.

00:38:04.920 Yeah, yeah.

00:38:05.460 When are you going to take that thing to the bank?

00:38:06.920 You know what I'm saying, brother? 1.00

00:38:10.100 When are you going to take that thing to the bank, you little fucking chimchurri? 1.00

00:38:16.000 You little fucking Pokemon gone. 1.00

00:38:19.800 Sorry. 1.00

00:38:20.720 Just fell asleep for a second.

00:38:22.540 Sometimes I sleepwalk.

00:38:23.720 My bad.

00:38:24.440 I'm sorry to interrupt this Valentine's Day episode, but I got to know something.

00:38:28.820 Is your home, like mine, cluttered with stuff you don't use anymore?

00:38:33.620 Clothes and shoes you don't wear, taking up valuable closet space?

00:38:38.020 Old phones hiding in drawers?

00:38:40.540 Toys and games that the kids aren't even interested in anymore? 0.81

00:38:44.840 We hate these, mom!

00:38:47.180 You know what I'm talking about.

00:38:48.560 Well, let me tell you about an app you can use to sell this stuff.

00:38:52.840 It's called Mercari, M-E-R-C-A-R-I.

00:38:57.560 Mercari is the selling app that makes it fast and easy to sell almost anything.

00:39:02.280 You simply take a few pics, add a description, and boom, your item is listed.

00:39:07.380 Mercari will even email you a shipping label when it sells.

00:39:10.600 Everything ships, too, so there are no awkward meetups with strangers,

00:39:14.280 no opportunities to get in any trouble.

00:39:17.860 The app has over 300,000 reviews on the App Store with an average of 4.8 star rating.

00:39:24.660 So why not give it a try?

00:39:26.520 Over 100,000 items get listed on Mercari every day.

00:39:30.660 So don't let that stuff around your place go to waste.

00:39:34.260 Sell it, ship it, and get paid with Mercari.

00:39:37.720 You can find Mercari on the App Store or on M-E-R-C-A-R-I dot com.

00:39:44.320 that's m-e-r-c-a-r-i mercari the selling app now back to the episode um but what about this

00:39:54.160 i gotta just say this though is um thanks for that gig though you bet man bobby and i went

00:40:00.980 did a gig did he tell you about it no oh wow the millionaire's house must have been really

00:40:04.920 important oh yes yes i do remember i mean i went to a millionaire's house and and i'm gonna say

00:40:10.720 this right now i have never eaten a dick vietnam too i mean yeah part two right it was i i know

00:40:21.060 dude i had never been on stage in my life and i went no one is listening and no one likes me 0.51

00:40:29.360 had finished their dessert and then we're like trying to get the rest of it out of the side 0.94

00:40:32.200 yeah you can feel them like scraping the ceramic part of the fucking bowl i mean it was baby i was 0.99

00:40:37.960 eating it. Sweating, 0.99

00:40:40.320 bro. Was it just some rich kid's birthday party?

00:40:41.960 No, but the guy before, our buddy,

00:40:44.560 who's not even

00:40:45.840 a paid regular, he killed 0.95

00:40:48.440 it. How did 0.50

00:40:50.340 you do? He did good. Okay.

00:40:52.480 He had to yell at a lady, though. 0.98

00:40:53.960 When you yell at that lady, I'm like, I shouldn't have done that. 0.99

00:40:56.800 I fucking told him to shut it down. They're rich 1.00

00:40:58.360 and I've never liked the rich, and I fucking told him to 1.00

00:41:00.180 shut it down, son. I'll burn this 1.00

00:41:02.280 motherfucker down. I'll go to jail for four years 1.00

00:41:04.200 max, and I'm out at 40.

00:41:06.360 but dude it was like it was number one i needed it it really does when you're when it really does 0.65

00:41:12.660 that kind of bomb pumbles the fuck out of you yeah and so i was like sweating and i got off 0.61

00:41:18.820 stage i'm like wow that's i remember and back in the day you know you just bomb all the time right 0.99

00:41:23.860 bomb all the time and then um they didn't give a fuck somebody yelled chink while he was up there 0.98

00:41:28.280 yeah yeah i think a fuck instead that they had dropped some silverware and i was like i don't 0.99

00:41:32.260 things and i stood up for you there i know you did thank you so much and i was holding it down 0.99

00:41:39.800 in there and i stole some fucking shit from those people too dude but i ran into the guy 0.96

00:41:43.300 two weeks later you're lying no i was in arizona dude arizona and he would this millionaire right 0.99

00:41:50.880 he had flown to go see um what's the la team not the lakers clippers clippies yeah the clips and

00:41:58.660 the son's play and he had like boxed his seats or whatever and so i was walking he goes hey bobby

00:42:04.200 and i turned around and there he was i gave him a hug and he goes and then he didn't know what to

00:42:08.980 say and it was coming out of his mouth he goes great job at the park show yeah and i knew that

00:42:17.520 he didn't mean it so it was and then i'd go like to go thanks you didn't mean that no it was like

00:42:25.440 a really weird experience but he's a nice guy can i get water man parts bro yeah no i got my

00:42:31.320 girlfriend's got my girlfriend's got his back um yeah man that was really tough and i already did

00:42:36.280 do better than both of us and we were but it was the worst part is after a show when you really 0.53

00:42:40.580 don't do well and you still have to stand around like to get paid and shit and you're just like 0.94

00:42:44.820 kind of fucking standing there yeah knowing that people do not want you there yeah it reminded me 0.97

00:42:51.820 of back in the day when you would do like a triple run back in the 90s or these shitty gigs that you 0.98

00:42:56.960 would do at like a holiday in in visalia oh yeah right and you would eat it and then you would

00:43:02.440 wait until the very end of the night to get an envelope of a hundred dollars yeah but you needed

00:43:07.380 that hundred it felt like that because if it was if that gig was a hundred bucks then you and i i

00:43:12.820 wouldn't have done it but um unless if it was i wouldn't have waited yeah but it was such a pretty

00:43:17.980 good money

00:43:18.460 that I waited

00:43:19.420 it was

00:43:19.720 but at the end of the day

00:43:21.400 again

00:43:21.760 I like

00:43:22.640 I love

00:43:23.000 I do

00:43:23.440 honestly

00:43:24.200 I gotta say

00:43:24.920 the same thing

00:43:25.180 about you

00:43:25.760 this is that

00:43:26.880 I'm gonna get emotional

00:43:29.060 not really

00:43:30.740 but

00:43:31.300 I do

00:43:32.260 I truly

00:43:33.240 I truly love you

00:43:35.220 oh thanks

00:43:35.780 no no

00:43:36.260 look at me

00:43:36.860 you don't like intimacy

00:43:37.640 dude

00:43:38.020 I do like

00:43:39.100 no I give you compliments

00:43:40.060 and stuff

00:43:40.440 and I look in your eyes

00:43:41.760 and I get really

00:43:42.640 emotional

00:43:43.580 and then you just

00:43:44.740 brush it off

00:43:45.460 so just look at me

00:43:47.000 right now dude

00:43:47.520 I'm so happy for your success

00:43:53.820 and I'm so proud of you

00:43:55.820 and I love you

00:43:57.260 thanks buddy I love you too man

00:43:59.720 look at me though when you say it

00:44:01.200 I love you too

00:44:02.260 yeah you're always nice man

00:44:06.220 I mean look you helped me get an agent

00:44:07.500 if it wasn't for you

00:44:08.080 nobody else has even done anything for me in this town

00:44:11.080 people have done some stuff but Bobby's really helped me

00:44:13.260 well I mean you learn like you know Jeff Ross

00:44:15.300 Jeff Ross right Jeff Ross is one of those

00:44:17.380 guys that whenever he was ever on a show i remember years ago he had a fox talk show that

00:44:22.420 he was trying to develop and he called me and he's like you know they don't know i mean they

00:44:26.520 they're you did mad and the people that are there now don't know you as well but i really want you

00:44:32.440 to work for me and work on the show every show that he's ever been on like you know whatever

00:44:36.820 the burn or whatever he might do he he always calls me into work oh wow jordan peele he gave

00:44:42.680 last year he goes um hey man you want to do a commercial for a huge amount of money for really

00:44:49.240 little work and i didn't have to audition was it for best buy no it was for um booking.com oh

00:44:55.380 so my point though is is that you know there are comics that make it who have power who will never

00:45:02.000 help anybody oh right they hoard it right and um they're miserable right and i you know i've always

00:45:09.780 there are guys out there that have really like like you know i think rogan does so much for

00:45:14.860 comedy yeah to get people on his show to give them his audience expose them to his audience

00:45:20.620 yeah and they're just people out there like that so it's like i'm just like you know i just want

00:45:25.260 to try to make myself you know more available for people that are you know you're a nice guy if you 0.99

00:45:31.420 were an asshole fuck it i would not help you right but you can it's a no-brainer with you 0.99

00:45:37.180 yeah like I saw Trevor Noah in you know South Africa and I called Matt Blake ACA and I go 1.00

00:45:43.960 you got to sign this guy and he's like I'm not gonna go to South Africa I go you should because

00:45:49.240 this guy is that good wow he's young he is so prolific and he's so fucking smart so when Trevor

00:45:57.540 came to America and went to Vegas and performed Matt went and flew out and saw him really yeah

00:46:02.240 they signed him but like you know he was but trevor's a nice guy but he's also you know you

00:46:09.020 said it's a no-brainer right you know when you look at you your voice and your point of view and

00:46:14.060 shit it's like oh yeah he's gonna regardless he's gonna make it you know it might take longer 0.51

00:46:22.260 or whatnot but you can clearly see it yeah and then there are those that you see and they're just 0.99

00:46:27.580 so bitter

00:46:29.160 and they have such anger

00:46:31.580 and rage inside them

00:46:33.140 that you just kind of go past.

00:46:36.380 Oh, so you see,

00:46:37.200 so a lot of that anger

00:46:38.220 really keeps people down,

00:46:39.520 keeps people from other people

00:46:40.340 seeing them,

00:46:41.100 seeing that they could really

00:46:41.980 bring joy into people.

00:46:43.240 It's not only that,

00:46:44.300 it's this, dude. 1.00

00:46:45.140 It's fucking, 1.00

00:46:45.800 it's, 1.00

00:46:46.420 if they're like that

00:46:48.000 when they're not famous,

00:46:50.880 what are they going to be like

00:46:52.320 when they have money and power?

00:46:54.300 Yeah.

00:46:54.940 But sometimes people are ugly

00:46:56.540 when they're not,

00:46:57.260 when they're struggling and i think that when they finally make it the feeling of that aggressive

00:47:03.200 competitive nature sort of dissipates a little bit i get i don't know i've get more chippy

00:47:08.640 than you're right in the past couple of months i've been a lot more like just stressed out i

00:47:12.680 think and just like short about things than i've ever been in my life i can tell that with you

00:47:15.600 though a little bit i really i really have but i know that you're busy and you have but dude this

00:47:21.440 is a really exciting time for you yeah even for me it's like you know i have a lot going on you 0.63

00:47:26.840 know and uh yeah i gotta fly to fucking hawaii tuesday and then i gotta fly back to do irvine 0.55

00:47:31.660 like i'm shooting a movie and then that night when i shoot i have to fly back are you in the 0.93

00:47:36.920 sandlers movie yeah yeah you are it was just like a couple days but that's cool i was supposed to go

00:47:41.060 they tried to give me a part in it and then did they offer you one no they will they didn't

00:47:47.360 but it was for yeah yeah i just say this though huh it was someone young it was like a young

00:47:54.140 kind of mixed guy that had been in a fire and i guess maybe you got it

00:47:59.920 it was for kind of like i think it was like a hawaiian frederick douglas

00:48:04.520 but with like a glucose glucose issue yeah i don't know who got it but i gotta say this though

00:48:12.820 is that i for 22 years have auditioned for every adam salah wow and i never got him

00:48:21.200 i came close a couple of times but like you know so that's what i'm doing but anyway i'm you know

00:48:26.400 there's a lot going on and you've got a lot going on and i know it could feel overwhelming and whatnot

00:48:32.400 but at the end of the day dude it's like you know you have you're sober guy yeah you're a good dude

00:48:38.680 you work hard you're very very fucking funny it's so hard to give you your comments thanks bro

00:48:44.140 well look no i think it's sweet of you you're always nice i you know what yeah that's the last

00:48:48.220 somebody you know what he's good at talking his way into people isn't he he's a sweet guy uh yeah

00:48:52.480 i think so i you know it's weird for somebody who gives so many compliments he can't take them no 0.98

00:48:56.820 he can't even hear you sometimes when you try i'm the fucking worst dude he's untouchable 0.86

00:49:00.460 emotionally in a lot of ways um yeah i'd say so yeah yeah i can't i don't know what it is when 0.97

00:49:05.480 people go good job like i'm nah yeah well you just can't even but the problem is you hear but

00:49:09.620 you know it doesn't really it doesn't land in on us sometimes as comedians it doesn't

00:49:13.820 because it's like it's like it's the thing is is that i don't do it for that right right it's just

00:49:20.280 you do it because that's just what you do i think eventually i mean back in the day it was about

00:49:24.960 like oh i'm following my dreams and taking risks and you know putting one foot in front of the

00:49:29.420 other and you know when you take a risk other doors open or whatever right and you work really

00:49:33.240 hard but what and shania yeah yeah yeah but it's like don't stop yeah but then eventually you do

00:49:40.520 it because this is what you're you do right yeah it becomes um uh just a part of your everyday life

00:49:48.460 show business yeah yeah and then and then what happens is that you forget 0.89

00:49:54.320 you know the excitement of it and why you did it in the fucking first place yeah like when you 0.96

00:50:00.560 remember the first time you you killed like you literally got a laugh in a club yeah and then you 0.96

00:50:07.360 got off stage and some random person said whoa dude you're funny and then that night you would

00:50:13.400 go home lay in your bed and just and just dream yeah and you're so happy because you're so happy

00:50:21.860 because you know i mean you didn't know that you could do that right and and it's it's like you 0.99

00:50:27.780 know it's an otherworldly kind of experience you're like fuck i can do this yeah and you're 0.89

00:50:32.420 laying in bed and you're like like anything is possible and then years go by you get a bunch of 0.99

00:50:39.220 shit yeah and then you become angry guy it's fucking weird it is weird yeah i gotta be able 0.98

00:50:44.800 to find i gotta look at my life and look at what i have in my life and go this is it this is it 1.00

00:50:50.940 this is it everything that i ever want is now right i couldn't no one wanted to fuck me back 0.99

00:50:57.200 in the day dude and then look at her i was unfuckable i was unfuckable back in the day 0.99

00:51:03.660 yeah you know i don't think you were ever unfuckable you probably had a really shitty 0.97

00:51:08.360 attitude yeah i could see you because i would have full of yourself and also you know thinking 0.81

00:51:12.800 daniel i'm daniel day kim or whatever that guy's name was i would never ever thought i was daniel

00:51:17.520 day kim daniel day lewis that's who i meant yeah but thinking like oh look at me like i'm

00:51:24.460 Babe, babe, you know, you don't know, you say that a lot.

00:51:27.500 I say that because I'm a trap house yellow boy out here flexing, you know, like, or wearing gold chains or doing, I could see you getting flossy down there.

00:51:35.700 You lower my Civic, my Honda Civic, put rims on, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.99

00:51:41.960 Turn up a little buck cherry and fucking just make people go crazy. 0.99

00:51:45.540 I like them. 1.00

00:51:46.100 Yeah.

00:51:46.760 I'm going to tell you right now, Kalilah, I was, I legitimately was unfuckable.

00:51:52.180 Wow.

00:51:52.320 I think that you

00:51:53.660 I'm not saying you weren't

00:51:54.960 But I don't think it was

00:51:55.820 From your physical appearance

00:51:57.220 Yes

00:51:57.440 I think it was from the inside

00:51:58.580 Yeah the inside was broken

00:51:59.640 Oh yeah

00:51:59.980 I had no confidence

00:52:01.140 And what stand up did for me

00:52:03.200 Was give me confidence

00:52:04.280 Like I said

00:52:05.340 It's like I know

00:52:06.080 The outs

00:52:06.920 I could have been

00:52:07.860 Dealt a better

00:52:09.160 A better hand

00:52:10.340 But I was

00:52:11.160 I have fingers

00:52:11.880 And the whole thing

00:52:12.400 Very handsome

00:52:12.640 Yeah

00:52:13.360 Thank you

00:52:14.040 I think you're a handsome guy

00:52:14.860 Thank you

00:52:15.260 There's nights I see you

00:52:15.940 At the comedy show

00:52:16.360 I'm like oh wow

00:52:16.920 Bobby's looking handsomer

00:52:18.120 Than he has been

00:52:18.880 And that always is exciting

00:52:22.060 you know and i think but what about this and i'm curious about is yeah would you if you had to let

00:52:28.280 because i know that you obviously have sided with chris d'alea i heard you guys say i didn't say

00:52:33.480 anything theo it was all out of this guy's mouth okay well i heard i'm neutral i'm switzerland 0.75

00:52:38.420 okay well i heard little robbie over here fucking say that if he had to side with me or d'alea 0.88

00:52:44.720 that he was with d'alea till the end listen friend a friend now yeah yeah listen friend 0.97

00:52:51.700 Let's hear it.

00:52:52.260 Let's watch a little bit of it, though.

00:52:53.200 Can we see exactly what was said, Nicholas?

00:52:55.320 Thank you very much, because this kind of stuff, I feel like, is where people draw lines, you know?

00:53:01.740 But what do I know?

00:53:03.920 I'm just a young man making his dreams come true.

00:53:07.580 So.

00:53:08.940 Where your name came up.

00:53:10.480 Okay, let's hear that clip.

00:53:12.520 I'm going to say something else to you, and I want to look in your eyes.

00:53:15.680 Okay.

00:53:16.540 And that's Bobby.

00:53:17.460 He sounds like a cat with, like, a little bit of emphysema.

00:53:19.600 Not that there is one

00:53:22.200 But if there was ever a war

00:53:24.440 Between you and Theo Vaughn

00:53:26.720 Yeah

00:53:27.100 If there was ever a war

00:53:29.340 You laughed

00:53:29.920 You have my assurance 0.96

00:53:32.780 That's the slept kingdom

00:53:34.380 And they call him the slept kingdom

00:53:37.340 Because he sleeps 21 hours a day

00:53:39.520 And 0.91

00:53:41.000 Yeah the queen lady 0.67

00:53:42.940 Obviously taking advantage of his freedom 1.00

00:53:45.260 Here in America

00:53:45.980 Let's hear more

00:53:46.880 My people, the papayas, will back you.

00:53:50.140 Ah, I like that.

00:53:50.980 You're the king of the north.

00:53:51.980 That's very cool.

00:53:52.760 You're the king of the north.

00:53:53.780 Yeah, the king of the north couldn't land in St. Louis.

00:53:56.560 Absolutely unbelievable.

00:53:58.000 King of the north can't even get to the Midwest.

00:54:00.140 And my clan and my people.

00:54:02.220 Clan, did you hear that?

00:54:03.380 I don't use that kind of terminology.

00:54:05.720 Or on your team.

00:54:06.720 Thank you. 1.00

00:54:07.180 Fuck the rat king. 1.00

00:54:08.360 Alas. 1.00

00:54:08.900 I love him as a person.

00:54:10.080 That's where the truth is.

00:54:11.100 Wait, wait, wait.

00:54:12.700 Did you just say what I just said that?

00:54:14.920 I love him like a what?

00:54:16.880 Like a bother

00:54:18.620 Are on your team

00:54:19.340 Thank you 1.00

00:54:19.760 Fuck the Rat King 1.00

00:54:20.840 Alas 1.00

00:54:21.380 I love him as a person

00:54:22.720 Yeah

00:54:23.100 I love him as a person

00:54:24.800 And that's the truth in that

00:54:26.660 I believe that part

00:54:27.420 You do believe that part

00:54:28.360 But I just want to know 1.00

00:54:28.940 When the fucking shit hits the 1.00

00:54:30.200 Well that scenario 1.00

00:54:32.080 Is literally never gonna happen 0.99

00:54:34.280 When the shit hits the RSS feed 0.99

00:54:35.680 I want to know whose pod 1.00

00:54:36.460 You're fucking rolling with son 0.99

00:54:37.460 Right 0.99

00:54:38.380 But what I'm saying is

00:54:39.340 Is that I'm just

00:54:40.240 I'm just stirring it up

00:54:41.980 But why are you picking him

00:54:43.600 Because he's taller

00:54:44.380 Who would you let 1.00

00:54:45.840 Bang Kalilah 1.00

00:54:46.480 Sorry 1.00

00:54:48.220 It's okay

00:54:49.520 It's highly hypothetical

00:54:49.940 Okay

00:54:50.300 Alright now we're getting into it

00:54:52.720 Now we're getting into it

00:54:53.800 Okay

00:54:54.060 Yeah

00:54:54.600 Alright I'm gonna say this to you

00:54:55.720 Can I choose who I would bang?

00:54:56.680 Yeah 0.62

00:54:56.860 Yeah go ahead babe

00:54:58.280 You should choose first too

00:54:59.380 You know what Theo

00:55:00.460 I've always had a great relationship with you

00:55:02.800 If ever you need something

00:55:04.940 You always

00:55:05.440 You know what

00:55:06.100 You're one of the few people

00:55:06.960 Who still leaves voicemails

00:55:08.220 Oh

00:55:08.760 Nice

00:55:09.340 Lengthy

00:55:10.340 Thoughtful ones

00:55:11.480 Thank you

00:55:12.060 So I would choose you 0.98

00:55:13.100 He's a hick 1.00

00:55:13.260 That's why babe 0.98

00:55:14.100 They don't know any better

00:55:14.940 150% she said 0.99

00:55:16.380 of sex, thank you

00:55:17.980 I want to say this 0.99

00:55:19.380 oh my god, I'm so angry that my insides

00:55:23.580 are making noises

00:55:24.460 here's the deal dude

00:55:26.400 you cannot tell me right now

00:55:29.460 in terms of sexual

00:55:31.060 thank you again

00:55:31.780 in terms of sexually

00:55:34.240 is that what you're saying, sexually

00:55:36.640 you are?

00:55:38.220 yeah

00:55:38.560 okay, I'm just saying

00:55:41.580 it's like this, it's like seeing

00:55:43.720 let me finish

00:55:46.300 It's like seeing

00:55:47.040 It's like comparing

00:55:48.100 Like Tom Hardy 1.00

00:55:49.840 Who'd you fuck 1.00

00:55:51.040 Tom Hardy 1.00

00:55:51.720 Or Simon Pegg

00:55:53.280 Who's Simon Pegg

00:55:55.880 The dancer

00:55:56.300 No no no

00:55:57.220 He's from

00:55:57.840 He's from

00:55:57.860 He's a good actor

00:56:00.040 Dancer with wolves

00:56:00.880 No

00:56:01.840 Not Dancer with wolves

00:56:03.400 He's in the zombie movie

00:56:04.280 Kevin Costner

00:56:05.020 Shaun of the Dead

00:56:07.100 I haven't seen that

00:56:07.800 Yeah yeah yeah

00:56:08.980 Alright

00:56:09.260 You're both cute

00:56:09.900 He's also Mission Impossible

00:56:11.100 Oh there you go

00:56:12.120 Mission Impossible

00:56:12.900 Yeah you're both cute right

00:56:14.300 But you

00:56:15.400 There he is

00:56:16.280 Simon Pegg.

00:56:20.280 Isn't that cute to me?

00:56:21.460 Is he British?

00:56:22.180 Yes.

00:56:22.840 I can see that.

00:56:24.240 He's super talented, though.

00:56:25.960 He's super talented.

00:56:26.900 The Lord's...

00:56:27.660 He's got a little bit of the Lord's...

00:56:29.160 Honestly, no, Theo, you're very handsome and cute.

00:56:32.620 He's just got a little extra element.

00:56:35.800 He's got more shoulders.

00:56:36.600 I don't see it.

00:56:37.300 He's got more shoulders.

00:56:38.420 His parents were rich, dude.

00:56:40.240 Basically, they mated.

00:56:42.480 His grandparents mated his parents

00:56:45.020 so that they would have

00:56:46.860 children of healthy skeleton

00:56:48.360 and occipital areas.

00:56:50.560 Here's another thing

00:56:51.220 that's not fair.

00:56:52.560 I'll tell you why.

00:56:54.260 Also, at the end of the day, 0.97

00:56:55.700 I'm just fucking kidding. 0.98

00:56:56.640 He's got money. 0.99

00:56:57.420 I would never choose sides

00:56:58.360 and I love you so much. 0.68

00:56:59.420 Crazy.

00:57:00.140 Also, Theo, 0.98

00:57:00.920 he grew up with a silver spoon

00:57:02.140 in his mouth

00:57:02.680 so he doesn't know

00:57:03.460 the blue collar struggle

00:57:04.440 so that's why 1.00

00:57:05.220 I would choose you

00:57:06.580 just based on the whole

00:57:07.900 Louisiana

00:57:08.560 simple upbringing.

00:57:10.400 I want to say this.

00:57:11.820 Very similar to the Philippines.

00:57:12.800 Yep.

00:57:13.580 By the water.

00:57:14.560 helping each other out neighborly.

00:57:16.660 Look at those shoulders, dude.

00:57:17.920 Look at those shoulders, dude.

00:57:19.760 That right there, dude, is shape of water, bro.

00:57:23.480 You want to talk about shape of water right there, dude?

00:57:25.560 Shape of water, dude? 0.99

00:57:26.520 That is shape of fucking fresca, bro. 0.99

00:57:28.880 That dude. 0.99

00:57:29.840 Look, he has dexteria, bro.

00:57:32.380 Can I just say this, though?

00:57:33.640 You know how long he's going to live?

00:57:34.520 Probably another four years.

00:57:36.160 And look, he's wearing colored contact lenses.

00:57:38.720 Okay, so you want to bring that up?

00:57:40.340 And his dogs, they don't even live at his house.

00:57:41.960 the lady brings them over

00:57:43.180 for Instagram 1.00

00:57:43.720 and then takes them back

00:57:44.660 to her house

00:57:45.360 butters 0.99

00:57:47.300 that's not a pet owner

00:57:48.080 huh

00:57:48.320 yeah

00:57:48.560 and actually there's three of them

00:57:50.260 and only two of them

00:57:50.880 they ever use in it

00:57:51.580 it's like the

00:57:51.960 Mary Kate and Ashley Wilson

00:57:53.180 it's insane man

00:57:55.380 sweetie 0.71

00:57:55.700 you have it wrong

00:57:56.680 sweetie

00:57:57.500 listen to this guy

00:57:58.060 sweetie you have it wrong

00:57:59.000 when I

00:58:00.160 when I was in middle school

00:58:01.700 and growing up

00:58:02.500 yes we had money

00:58:03.500 but when I hit high school

00:58:04.940 my parents went bankrupt

00:58:05.860 yeah

00:58:06.380 that's why they had to

00:58:07.700 sell the house

00:58:08.380 but

00:58:09.060 the house

00:58:09.840 I know

00:58:10.440 but up until you were

00:58:11.440 about 17 18 you live i i we visited your your old neighborhood 17 it's a very rich i grew up in a

00:58:18.100 white area yeah but i had no i have no control over where we lived did you ever have a bus pass

00:58:23.840 i know no what is that yeah do you know what the mta is no i have a car normal people and you had

00:58:30.220 a computer your whole life yeah we have computers like normal and a swimming pool have you ever

00:58:33.300 had a black man's hair drip on your lap because you had to sit so close up behind him on a bus 0.99

00:58:38.180 No 0.98

00:58:38.720 But I had a gazebo

00:58:40.660 A tennis court

00:58:41.580 And also a swimming pool

00:58:42.380 But he lived in the country club

00:58:43.600 We had a country club as well

00:58:44.800 And I used to go down there

00:58:46.180 What country bro?

00:58:46.620 Huh?

00:58:48.460 You're not talking about

00:58:49.240 Being in country bro

00:58:50.200 You're not talking about

00:58:50.640 The Mekong Delta

00:58:51.540 Daddy are you?

00:58:52.820 But in the sense though

00:58:54.360 In the sense though

00:58:55.160 Of Chris D'Elia

00:58:55.960 You know as a kid

00:58:57.520 His dad was in show business

00:58:58.940 Yeah

00:58:59.260 And when he was a kid

00:59:00.340 Apparently

00:59:01.000 They used to call Chris

00:59:02.840 Into the room

00:59:03.520 And Chris would do these like

00:59:05.320 Little plays

00:59:06.360 While they're in bed

00:59:07.120 His parents in bed

00:59:08.100 and he would do these funny little plays

00:59:10.260 that he would make up

00:59:10.940 and they would, bravo, you know, bravo, right?

00:59:14.460 And encourage that.

00:59:15.800 They would encourage that, right?

00:59:17.260 When I did that, my dad beat me, right?

00:59:20.100 When I said I was going to do stand-up,

00:59:22.420 they said, if you do, you don't ever call me again.

00:59:26.420 Wow.

00:59:27.360 Right?

00:59:28.220 And then for years, he wouldn't talk to me, my dad,

00:59:31.360 because I was doing stand-up, right?

00:59:33.760 It's only when I did The Tonight Show in 2000.

00:59:37.620 He believed in it.

00:59:38.580 Yeah, he called me crying.

00:59:40.080 Wow.

00:59:40.980 He goes, I'm so sorry.

00:59:42.320 Really?

00:59:42.780 Yeah.

00:59:43.260 Have you met his father or not?

00:59:44.660 I have, yeah.

00:59:45.720 And what does he seem like?

00:59:47.780 His dad isn't able to speak a lot anymore since he's had a couple strokes.

00:59:51.840 But his dad loves me.

00:59:53.460 Really?

00:59:53.740 I think.

00:59:54.660 I think.

00:59:55.340 I bet he loves you because he knows you're going to take care of Bobby probably.

00:59:57.720 And you know what?

00:59:59.020 When I'm over at his parents' house, I feel like I take care of everyone.

01:00:03.540 Oh, yeah.

01:00:03.860 Bro, bro, bro.

01:00:04.760 I'm going to say this. 1.00

01:00:05.420 The reason why this fucking Filipino lady is a fucking survivor 1.00

01:00:09.220 is the first night, because my dad had strokes, right? 1.00

01:00:13.560 We go to Phoenix to stay at their house.

01:00:17.060 And, you know, they don't know her at all.

01:00:19.020 And my parents are old school Koreans, dude.

01:00:20.700 They don't barely speak English. 1.00

01:00:22.820 They look the same, look similar?

01:00:24.620 Yeah, look the same, yeah.

01:00:25.580 They have the same ID.

01:00:27.820 Yeah.

01:00:29.960 So anyway, right?

01:00:32.660 Yeah.

01:00:32.960 We spend the night, we sleep that night, the first night.

01:00:34.980 oh yeah

01:00:35.560 at 6.30 in the morning

01:00:37.060 Bobby is taking a rest

01:00:38.280 huh

01:00:38.520 parents are dying 1.00

01:00:39.480 the guy fucking shows up 1.00

01:00:40.540 and takes a nap 1.00

01:00:41.360 but nah go on

01:00:42.500 6.30 in the morning dude

01:00:43.720 I wake up

01:00:45.440 and I hear laughter

01:00:46.680 in the house

01:00:47.260 she had gone down

01:00:49.640 helped my dad

01:00:50.820 with all the like

01:00:51.360 medical stuff

01:00:52.120 and they're laughing

01:00:54.020 and she's like

01:00:55.120 she's

01:00:55.500 they're already in love

01:00:56.740 with her

01:00:57.100 yeah

01:00:57.480 right 1.00

01:00:58.140 this woman right here 1.00

01:00:59.620 is a fucking survivor 1.00

01:01:01.020 dude 1.00

01:01:01.260 she'll survive anything bro 1.00

01:01:03.460 cause most girls 0.96

01:01:04.820 would be like i don't know that well i don't know what to do right but this girl i that's why i'm

01:01:09.180 in love with this girl amen in every social situation i could go anywhere like any party

01:01:14.040 and she i know that she will be able to survive any element even there if they're stars politicians 0.99

01:01:21.260 even if it's just like you know people that work at home depot or whatever she'd be able to fucking 0.64

01:01:25.680 survive it some girls girlfriends i've had i'd like i can't take her yeah they struggle they 0.70

01:01:30.200 struggle she can survive in every social situation and that's why it's very good to have a girl 0.56

01:01:36.200 she also i love her and stuff you know but but she's she's got everything she's a chameleon

01:01:40.280 yeah chameleon she's a bright spot man she's definitely she definitely has added a lot more

01:01:45.500 to your life like when i see people aren't like bobby lee anymore they're like oh bobby and kalilah

01:01:49.800 and it's nice that you got something that is a little more rewarding you know going on and you

01:01:55.000 I mean, the nicest piece of attire I've ever seen on you is Kalilah.

01:01:59.100 You know that.

01:02:02.500 That's so sweet.

01:02:03.260 But I wouldn't have Tiger Belly, my podcast, without her.

01:02:05.820 Yeah, I know.

01:02:06.220 And it's cool.

01:02:07.140 It's cool to see, man.

01:02:08.100 It's nice to see.

01:02:09.040 It's inclusive. 0.79

01:02:10.440 You guys are, nobody's Vietnamese.

01:02:13.700 And it's like, you know, it's exciting, man.

01:02:17.400 And I think it's fun to see you guys taking on things together.

01:02:20.900 Would you guys ever consider doing a television show, you think?

01:02:23.720 Probably not me.

01:02:25.000 I'm just not somebody

01:02:26.360 I know I do tiger belly

01:02:27.640 And I do it because I feel like

01:02:29.000 I set him up well

01:02:30.800 And that's my role in the podcast

01:02:32.380 We have sort of this

01:02:33.060 Antagonistic thing going on

01:02:34.580 But I

01:02:35.780 I actually prefer not to ever

01:02:38.780 Be on camera ever

01:02:40.600 In the podcast world too

01:02:42.200 I was dying when I had to do your

01:02:43.780 The little pilot

01:02:45.600 The man up pilot?

01:02:46.640 Yeah 0.98

01:02:46.760 You killed it babe 0.97

01:02:47.600 Yeah you did a great job 0.99

01:02:48.260 And your dad

01:02:48.920 And your stepfather

01:02:50.020 Did a great job

01:02:50.840 Richard?

01:02:51.160 Roger was great

01:02:51.840 Roger

01:02:52.400 God he did it

01:02:53.060 He was so good

01:02:53.500 That was a fun 0.83

01:02:54.100 You killed it babe

01:02:55.020 I know but I was like 0.55

01:02:55.860 Internally dying

01:02:56.880 It was fun

01:02:57.500 You're like the 0.99

01:02:58.560 Meryl Streep of island gooks 1.00

01:02:59.920 Oh 0.99

01:03:00.700 Yeah

01:03:01.580 They call you

01:03:03.380 Meryl Streep

01:03:04.900 But no

01:03:07.080 I thought you did a great job

01:03:08.080 You and me talking

01:03:08.680 In the beginning

01:03:09.300 It was funny

01:03:09.660 Roger's a handsome guy

01:03:10.840 It was nice to see him there

01:03:11.820 Your mom came out

01:03:12.720 Yeah

01:03:13.060 That was a fun experience

01:03:14.080 Dude

01:03:14.440 I'm saying

01:03:16.460 I'll have the duck

01:03:17.600 Yeah that's why

01:03:18.740 But that's why

01:03:20.080 We're like a family

01:03:21.020 And here's the thing

01:03:21.960 Dude too

01:03:22.420 Is that

01:03:23.340 Even in now the podcast world like I know now that you fighter in the kid delete

01:03:28.800 I mean, we're all you know, we're all helping each other grow and whatnot, right?

01:03:32.280 But I'm just tired of like now actors are doing it. Yeah

01:03:36.720 The all these actors are not doing doing it. Yeah, what's his name?

01:03:40.920 Ferris Bueller has one coming out Matthew Broderick. Yeah, what's it? What's it called? I don't know some shit killing people in London

01:03:48.820 I don't remember he did that. 0.99

01:03:50.100 What did he do?

01:03:51.080 Yeah, he molested somebody.

01:03:52.180 No, you ran over somebody in England.

01:03:55.880 Hey, bro. 0.83

01:03:56.500 And killed somebody in England. 1.00

01:03:57.740 Well, it was because he had stolen that car from his fucking parents. 1.00

01:04:00.600 That's why, dude. 1.00

01:04:02.120 It's hard to pay attention to the road, bro.

01:04:04.180 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:04:04.640 You got to be back for the sixth period, bro.

01:04:09.380 But no, everybody's doing it now.

01:04:10.580 Did he kill somebody?

01:04:12.160 Yeah, he crossed the wrong lane and collided head on with a Volvo.

01:04:16.860 Killing the other person?

01:04:17.900 In Ireland. 0.99

01:04:18.880 Oh, in Ireland.

01:04:19.520 It was in Ireland.

01:04:20.380 Back in 1987.

01:04:21.900 And he killed somebody, right?

01:04:22.920 Mm-hmm.

01:04:23.600 Two people.

01:04:24.580 Oh, my God.

01:04:25.880 A 30-year-old and a 63-year-old both killed instantly.

01:04:28.600 Oh, my.

01:04:29.020 You know, there's a famous story of a comedian named Vance was his name. 0.98

01:04:37.380 And he was, there was somebody had gone, was sexually raping women. 0.99

01:04:43.980 The black guy, the black guy, right? 1.00

01:04:45.040 At different. 1.00

01:04:45.500 Was he black?

01:04:46.100 I don't think it was a black guy, dude.

01:04:47.400 No.

01:04:47.740 No, he was a comic that did...

01:04:48.940 He was a comic who did a college tour.

01:04:51.140 Right.

01:04:51.500 Can you find out what he looked like?

01:04:52.980 What did he look like?

01:04:53.860 Yeah. 0.99

01:04:54.180 Comedian, college tour, rapist. 1.00

01:04:56.880 And so somebody even raping women at different college campuses. 0.99

01:04:59.200 They couldn't figure out who it was. 0.66

01:05:00.220 Like, what is this?

01:05:00.920 And then they realized a comedian had been going, was performing at these different schools.

01:05:04.460 And that's when it was happening. 0.99

01:05:06.080 He was raping people. 0.99

01:05:06.820 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.99

01:05:07.040 Yeah.

01:05:07.460 Raping people, I guess.

01:05:08.400 And so at the end, he went on trial.

01:05:12.120 Oh, it was him. 0.85

01:05:12.640 So when I said black guy...

01:05:14.200 Vince Champ.

01:05:14.500 Vince Champ. 1.00

01:05:15.200 When I said black guy, was I right? 0.88

01:05:17.120 He looks black in these pictures.

01:05:20.100 You know?

01:05:20.740 Yeah, yeah.

01:05:21.620 Vince Champ.

01:05:23.700 Dude, somebody's got to do a movie about this guy.

01:05:25.740 Oh, they definitely show.

01:05:26.620 Oh, that's an amazing idea.

01:05:27.940 Like a dark movie about a guy who doing.

01:05:30.940 Imagine a guy trying to give laughter in college campuses, but he's like. 0.93

01:05:34.700 No, the whole time he's thinking I'm going to rape on one stage. 0.95

01:05:36.780 Oh, my God. 0.56

01:05:37.380 It might have been the guy on the 181 bus from Pasadena City College.

01:05:41.540 Look at that.

01:05:42.080 he was spotted fleeing the scene on an attempted rape in pasadena city college remember when i

01:05:47.260 told you about the story about the 181 bus from pcc yeah earlier yeah was that 1997 and he asked

01:05:55.740 the women to pray for them after he was uh he was prosecuted and convicted in kansas now here's what

01:06:01.480 i wanted to tell you there was a there's long been a story that he the doctor uh the the judge said

01:06:09.020 you're gonna get 25 years right sentenced him to 25 years in jail and he stood up and goes

01:06:14.380 thank you your honor can you light me at 15 that's what he said 0.99

01:06:18.480 so fucked up so funny he didn't say that yeah are you being are you kidding that's a no that's a 0.98

01:06:25.820 that's a that is a story that i've heard so fucking funny can you light me at 15 that's 1.00

01:06:29.960 funny and that's a comedian termia can you give me the light at this time yeah that's really funny 0.99

01:06:34.060 It turns out he was only into butt sex, too. 0.99

01:06:37.000 He ripped butt? 1.00

01:06:37.760 Yeah, just look. 1.00

01:06:39.240 And always, he would cover their heads and then engage in anal sex. 1.00

01:06:44.120 Wow. 0.99

01:06:44.980 Well, he was a little before his time because this was, it's more popular now, I feel like.

01:06:48.640 Right. 0.97

01:06:49.300 Butt sex? 1.00

01:06:49.940 No, butt sex is on a decline, Theo. 0.99

01:06:51.340 It is? 0.99

01:06:51.820 Oh, yeah.

01:06:53.060 Wow, people are getting sick.

01:06:54.600 Well, people are just realizing how just, once it goes in, it's sort of just an abyss.

01:06:59.720 there's no tightening of the walls

01:07:02.540 or any type of like

01:07:04.040 kegel you know

01:07:05.780 yeah there's no real party going on after that

01:07:08.060 no you know unless you're into 0.99

01:07:10.220 you know scat sex 1.00

01:07:12.340 like him 1.00

01:07:12.980 I'm sorry I mean no 0.97

01:07:14.840 he likes the smell of poo 1.00

01:07:16.720 yeah people don't mind a little bit of it 0.98

01:07:18.880 not my poo

01:07:19.640 I mean some countries you go to it's like 1.00

01:07:22.340 it's a damn aphrodisiac 0.97

01:07:24.200 some of those beltways over there 0.98

01:07:25.880 you get over there outside of Siam bro 0.99

01:07:28.360 and you can't even fucking finish a sandwich 1.00

01:07:30.000 without catching a hit of fucking, you know, 1.00

01:07:32.580 that body purgatory, bro, duty. 0.99

01:07:34.880 I'm really interested in comics

01:07:37.040 that something like that happened,

01:07:38.980 like he did that,

01:07:39.760 but then there's that other tape back in the day

01:07:42.160 of that guitar comic snapping on stage.

01:07:44.940 I saw that one.

01:07:45.620 And then him beating, you know,

01:07:47.220 the guy in the front row with the,

01:07:48.840 and every time he'd go up,

01:07:49.700 pieces of the guitar would be,

01:07:50.800 you know what I mean?

01:07:52.000 That was so viral back in the day

01:07:54.280 when we were starting to do stand-up.

01:07:56.600 Yeah, was that Tony Stewart who did that?

01:07:57.920 Yeah, that dude right there, dude. 0.97

01:08:00.060 Well, you ain't shitting, but. 1.00

01:08:03.540 Yeah, I'll tell you, if you guys don't shut the fuck up, 1.00

01:08:05.440 about 200 people are going to beat the living shit out of you, 1.00

01:08:07.380 and I ain't kidding. 0.99

01:08:13.020 Because we got people who can just take you out of here so fast,

01:08:15.380 and I'll be like, you got out in the parking lot going, huh?

01:08:22.520 I know, it's okay, stay.

01:08:25.380 I'll say you're alive, but Oklahoma's okay.

01:08:27.920 It's like, you know, it might not be normal, man, but by God, it's okay.

01:08:31.220 Can we watch this, man?

01:08:32.760 Well, he's doing stand-up.

01:08:34.160 He's doing jokes, so he's angry, but he's still maintaining the room.

01:08:38.560 He's being professional.

01:08:41.380 Not for long.

01:08:45.140 That's all happening.

01:08:46.760 The email started.

01:08:48.800 He's standing. 1.00

01:08:49.480 Get on up here, motherfucker. 1.00

01:08:50.640 i 1.00

01:08:52.640 better

01:09:04.300 of the

01:09:07.060 right

01:09:10.540 no

01:09:12.480 patient

01:09:13.480 felt

01:09:15.560 That was unnecessary.

01:09:20.500 At least he said show's over

01:09:21.860 because otherwise people

01:09:22.560 are just going to sit there

01:09:23.200 and wait for the next act,

01:09:24.660 you know?

01:09:25.280 At least he said show's over

01:09:26.400 at the end.

01:09:26.860 What if he was the opener?

01:09:30.880 He's like doing a guest spot.

01:09:32.160 Dude, have you ever had

01:09:32.920 a five minute guest spot?

01:09:33.680 Have you ever had

01:09:34.120 an instance like that?

01:09:34.840 No, and the headliner's back

01:09:35.940 and I was like, 0.99

01:09:36.360 what the fuck, you know? 1.00

01:09:38.160 Imagine. 1.00

01:09:38.920 Were you afraid

01:09:39.680 to bring your parents

01:09:40.540 to watch Bobby the first time?

01:09:41.740 No.

01:09:42.320 You were excited?

01:09:43.240 Yeah.

01:09:43.680 My family's very,

01:09:44.980 Chill and open

01:09:46.800 And we're Filipino

01:09:48.020 Yeah

01:09:48.540 I had to tell you

01:09:50.000 So we have

01:09:50.960 For the man up

01:09:52.020 So we just did

01:09:52.460 An actual pilot right

01:09:54.200 So thank you guys

01:09:55.320 For helping us do

01:09:56.080 You got real legitimate

01:09:56.860 People to do it this time

01:09:57.860 No

01:09:58.300 We got people

01:09:58.980 That were just as neat

01:09:59.720 Jim Jeffries

01:10:00.520 Jim Jeffries

01:10:01.120 Whitney Cumming

01:10:01.780 John Lovitz

01:10:03.720 A higher elevated thing

01:10:05.060 We were your YouTube version

01:10:06.440 That's fine

01:10:06.900 I'm not offended

01:10:07.660 We're friends

01:10:09.040 We used you for

01:10:09.780 You used us for the YouTube

01:10:10.860 And now for the real pilot

01:10:12.500 You use the really bigger stars

01:10:13.780 I didn't feel you

01:10:14.560 I felt like we were helping him out.

01:10:16.460 Yeah, you guys were helping me out.

01:10:17.420 I did feel that.

01:10:18.300 And then in the end, one of the fun takeaways was I thought it was something cute for Kalilah

01:10:23.400 and Hercept that I'd have.

01:10:24.240 It was really good.

01:10:24.960 That's true.

01:10:25.180 Thank you.

01:10:25.780 And he did a great job, and he said he had fun, I remember.

01:10:27.880 He did.

01:10:28.220 He was really excited.

01:10:29.320 He did.

01:10:29.700 He looked handsome on camera.

01:10:30.460 He could be a 007, kind of like in a Nebraska sort of James Bond, you know?

01:10:34.180 Or a little bit, not Nebraska, but maybe like Alpha 10 near Commerce Casino.

01:10:38.520 No, no, no.

01:10:39.040 But here's what I'd like to say is that, so on this new one, I had to get, we're doing

01:10:44.060 to butler where some young fella didn't he wasn't cleaning up around the house he's living with his

01:10:48.440 mom he's 30 so we wanted to take him to butler school so there's a guy that works in my building

01:10:53.160 who cleans like the elevators and the stairs and everything a latino guy this guy named juan

01:10:57.160 so he and i always try and communicate but we can't because neither one of us speak the other

01:11:01.560 language but i was like juan manana television you know yeah uh tu numero so next thing you know i

01:11:08.540 got his number one shows up at the place right so next thing you know he's in the sketch right

01:11:12.960 oh wow

01:11:13.660 so we're all at

01:11:14.500 butler school

01:11:15.160 everybody's learning

01:11:15.800 how to be a butler

01:11:16.400 he thinks we're

01:11:17.280 learning how to be

01:11:18.020 007

01:11:19.080 like a mafia

01:11:20.060 no really

01:11:21.560 oh dude

01:11:21.980 so sometimes

01:11:22.380 I would just

01:11:22.780 kind of tap him

01:11:23.420 and he would be 0.66

01:11:23.720 like a violencia

01:11:24.880 you know

01:11:25.920 like he had 0.99

01:11:26.660 no fucking clue 0.99

01:11:27.560 what was going on 1.00

01:11:28.420 yeah yeah

01:11:28.880 and he's in

01:11:29.320 the whole thing

01:11:29.780 it was so great

01:11:30.500 did he

01:11:31.000 was Whitney

01:11:32.120 and Jim

01:11:32.640 in that scene

01:11:33.340 no Whitney

01:11:34.000 and Jim

01:11:34.320 are in another

01:11:34.860 one about

01:11:35.260 we try to learn 0.97

01:11:36.240 about feminism 1.00

01:11:36.800 me and Jim 0.78

01:11:37.340 Jeffrey's trying

01:11:37.800 to learn about feminism

01:11:38.200 yeah 1.00

01:11:39.000 I mean

01:11:39.640 I love the fact

01:11:40.680 that you use

01:11:41.220 that guy

01:11:41.520 in the thing

01:11:42.380 you know

01:11:42.740 it was hilarious

01:11:43.200 it was fun man

01:11:43.880 because he probably

01:11:44.280 also you know

01:11:45.060 little things like that

01:11:46.160 probably changes

01:11:47.440 his perception

01:11:48.540 of what he's capable of

01:11:49.980 and what he's capable of

01:11:50.820 yeah

01:11:50.980 and the funny thing was

01:11:51.780 by the end of the day

01:11:52.840 no doubt

01:11:53.820 he was becoming

01:11:54.560 like the star of the thing

01:11:55.460 like he started

01:11:56.020 like getting into it

01:11:56.880 like even with

01:11:57.600 the language barrier

01:11:58.340 right

01:11:58.700 yeah

01:11:59.000 like he started

01:11:59.660 getting into it

01:12:00.620 but he was really good

01:12:02.260 like his timing was good

01:12:03.960 it was bizarre

01:12:04.820 did you give him good money

01:12:05.220 gave him some extra

01:12:06.100 they're paying him

01:12:06.580 like scale and stuff

01:12:07.440 no

01:12:07.840 but how can

01:12:08.940 is he legal

01:12:09.840 who knows man 0.59

01:12:11.420 I mean you can't

01:12:12.020 yeah but can you

01:12:12.500 when you

01:12:13.640 when a TV show

01:12:14.880 if you're

01:12:15.720 if you're an illegal alien 0.81

01:12:16.960 can you do a TV show 1.00

01:12:18.380 because you have to

01:12:18.740 fill out all the forms

01:12:19.600 it's California

01:12:20.040 they'll probably buy him 0.92

01:12:20.680 a house dude

01:12:21.380 you know what I'm saying

01:12:21.960 yeah yeah 0.99

01:12:22.640 it's fucking California 0.99

01:12:23.380 they'll probably 1.00

01:12:23.840 you know

01:12:24.720 we had some questions

01:12:26.900 that came in

01:12:27.840 and thank you

01:12:28.580 I wanted to say that

01:12:29.300 for choosing me

01:12:30.040 over Chris D'Elia

01:12:30.540 when it comes to

01:12:31.200 you know

01:12:31.740 if something happened

01:12:32.400 to Bobby

01:12:32.840 and I like Chris

01:12:33.820 oh yeah I love Chris

01:12:34.620 I think Chris is great 1.00

01:12:35.440 I might fuck Chris 1.00

01:12:35.940 but I'm glad to know 1.00

01:12:37.320 that you would prefer

01:12:38.320 to have somebody

01:12:38.840 sensual around

01:12:39.720 who's gonna care about you

01:12:40.660 in case something

01:12:41.140 ever happened to Bobby

01:12:41.800 I feel like you'd take me out

01:12:42.860 To breakfast the next day

01:12:44.080 Oh yeah

01:12:44.500 You'd be nice 0.99

01:12:44.940 If I die 1.00

01:12:45.540 Pineapple some poi maybe 1.00

01:12:46.700 Baby baby 1.00

01:12:47.560 If I fucking die 1.00

01:12:48.900 And I'm in heaven 1.00

01:12:50.480 And you're getting physicalities 0.99

01:12:52.980 With the rat king 0.99

01:12:53.700 I don't fuck very much 1.00

01:12:54.880 I'm okay with that 0.99

01:12:56.680 Yeah

01:12:57.160 What if we're like 60 0.99

01:12:59.480 I don't give a fuck 0.98

01:13:00.640 There's many other people 0.98

01:13:02.520 Just holding hands like penguins

01:13:03.800 Yeah 1.00

01:13:04.480 Fuck him 1.00

01:13:05.520 Fuck him 1.00

01:13:05.880 Who fucking Johnny Rocket 1.00

01:13:07.400 Yeah yeah 1.00

01:13:07.920 Fucking spicy roadrunner 1.00

01:13:09.540 Santino 1.00

01:13:10.200 That fucking 0.99

01:13:10.840 Halfway 1.00

01:13:11.680 house right fucking ginger 1.00

01:13:13.860 cricket huh oh he's so 0.99

01:13:15.920 walking rage dude dude how many

01:13:17.540 n-bombs does he have at his

01:13:18.800 house that's what i want to

01:13:20.520 know huh so you have

01:13:23.740 questions what kind of

01:13:24.420 questions we got a couple

01:13:25.120 that came in from some

01:13:25.700 listeners yeah we because of

01:13:27.440 valentine's day we had

01:13:28.400 people send in uh questions

01:13:29.980 about their relationships and

01:13:31.120 see if you guys can give

01:13:31.820 some advice okay let's hit a

01:13:33.500 few

01:13:33.720 what's up theo bobby

01:13:40.200 kalilah question for you all how do i politely tell my girlfriend that she's bad at telling

01:13:46.240 stories she's just not very efficient with her words and it drags on and takes twists and turns

01:13:53.160 and comes up at the end and then is uh sorry that took forever thanks real papaya gun squad

01:14:00.940 gang bro thank you very much for your support yeah what i would do very nice of you is when

01:14:05.980 she tells a story i would look at her and go that's great you should write a script

01:14:09.820 on that story but that's no no no no so she writes the script oh right right so then she

01:14:16.840 actually uses it right right so she has how long this is she's on page 70 of the script yeah yeah

01:14:21.420 nothing's even happened yeah nothing's happened it's about a parking she can get a parking space

01:14:25.300 right and then and now i set up like i'll set up like industry meetings pitch it 0.82

01:14:29.460 right so now she's in like you know i mean nbc right whatever right yeah with grace woo or 0.54

01:14:36.420 whatever right now she's pitching this idea and they're just staring at her like

01:14:39.940 you know i mean and that's how she'll know and then they buy it

01:14:43.820 television right and they make and then the next thing yeah and yeah and the next thing you know

01:14:49.880 santino and delia are in it right right yeah i ran it and then you and me are there you know

01:14:55.600 After the funeral and looking at pictures of Bobby, huh?

01:15:01.700 It's a couple of years from now.

01:15:04.200 What do you think?

01:15:05.600 That's mean.

01:15:06.760 I know, but what do you do?

01:15:08.200 Yeah.

01:15:08.520 What do you do? 0.98

01:15:09.400 I have friends, girlfriends who are horrible storytellers.

01:15:14.780 You know, I'm all about just keeping things very brief.

01:15:17.760 I don't even like long emails.

01:15:19.380 Yeah.

01:15:20.160 If you're close enough with her, I don't think there's anything wrong with saying, okay,

01:15:23.440 what's the general thesis of all of this that's my sister always says that actually and she says

01:15:28.000 it in such a um a jovial way so it doesn't offend the other person in a joking way just be like all

01:15:34.060 right gotta wrap it up like what is going on here what you know point a point b that just keep it

01:15:40.680 quick yeah and i think that would probably serve her for the rest of her life you're the closest

01:15:46.280 person to her do her a favor yes be like look you tell stories for 30 minutes long when they could

01:15:53.260 be two minutes short right and it's just not fair it might prevent you from a job opportunity to

01:15:57.620 just keep you know you just can't keep going on this yeah it's just a blind spot you have that 0.67

01:16:01.660 you don't notice and i like your stories but they're too fucking long yes i like your stories 0.73

01:16:06.140 but they're too long i'll be patient for like uh one of my niece something wrong with her you know 0.90

01:16:10.640 i don't know what's wrong with her and they have you know um she would tell stories for forever

01:16:15.540 six six seven hours but all night keep you up all night you know so finally i'll be like oh the

01:16:21.780 story police are here we're pulling this story over we need to get an ending to it right now

01:16:27.100 you know so she went like five minutes to be like story police are here so you could do that with 1.00

01:16:32.960 your chick man drop that spz on her brother if she gets out if she gets out of line dude 1.00

01:16:37.200 fucking taser you know i'm saying tase that bitch man but but you have great stories baby but most 1.00

01:16:44.160 of the girl great stories babe good pretty good story like hemingway i love it but like that's 1.00

01:16:49.900 only author i know um i never read it but um all the girlfriends i've ever had i don't know how to

01:16:56.440 tell stories oh very bad but i've trained myself very bad to pretend yeah and that's what most

01:17:02.240 relationships are right even with your friends yeah but if she's even with your friends like

01:17:06.640 i've been with guys and like santino's told me a story where i fake laughed at it oh yeah it went

01:17:11.980 that happened huh yeah but you don't really you don't think it's good right but with you and

01:17:17.820 the kind of rapport we have

01:17:19.460 where if he's telling me 1.00

01:17:20.480 some dumb bullshit story 1.00

01:17:22.200 I'll roll my eyes 1.00

01:17:22.960 and be like

01:17:23.200 wrap it up

01:17:23.680 what are you trying to tell me

01:17:25.440 yeah yeah yeah

01:17:26.100 and then he'll do the same with me

01:17:27.200 yeah I guess

01:17:27.620 yeah yeah yeah

01:17:28.040 yeah there's a level

01:17:28.680 at a certain point

01:17:29.320 where it's like

01:17:29.880 you're almost past

01:17:30.980 like the

01:17:31.560 you know that each other

01:17:33.360 care enough

01:17:33.940 and it's not gonna be

01:17:34.700 damaged like whatever

01:17:35.860 you know

01:17:36.760 it's not gonna be damaging

01:17:37.600 whereas in the first couple months

01:17:38.640 of a relationship

01:17:39.140 or maybe even the first year or two

01:17:40.640 this guy looks younger than us

01:17:42.060 it could definitely be like

01:17:43.320 you know

01:17:43.660 that could be breakup potential 1.00

01:17:45.060 but tell you a lady 1.00

01:17:45.880 to shut it down 1.00

01:17:46.660 that's an energy

01:17:47.780 vampire someone who thinks they can sit there and tell a story for 30 minutes and have your ears at

01:17:52.740 all time that's just rude yeah it really is and that's i mean even as entertainers like i feel bad

01:17:57.860 doing over 50 minutes in a set it's like i you know these people paid but i don't want to give

01:18:03.020 them their money's worth but i also don't want to sit there and just be up here you know like

01:18:07.080 a lot of some of these comedians like chapelle will show up and just sit up there and smoke a

01:18:10.380 cigarette it's like yes he's great but at the same time it's like do i have to somebody to be here

01:18:14.960 4 a.m. to see your talent I saw Mencia do five hours in a row like I was hosting the show I

01:18:23.620 when he I brought him up on stage and then I went to the green room and the next thing I know I wake

01:18:28.600 up from like a four hour sleep wow and the green room was the green room was dark and I woke up 0.97

01:18:35.240 and I didn't know where you know what time it was where I was and I go what the fuck and I listen 0.94

01:18:40.880 and he's still on stage 0.99

01:18:42.700 and I look at the fucking clock 0.99

01:18:44.460 and it's like 1.00

01:18:45.100 3, 4 in the fucking morning. 1.00

01:18:48.620 Unbelievable. 1.00

01:18:50.220 Baffling, man.

01:18:51.320 And that is...

01:18:52.040 And also this guy right here,

01:18:53.480 I'm saying if

01:18:54.380 it sounds like

01:18:55.980 it's just not going to work out.

01:18:58.800 Right, this guy?

01:19:00.040 Yes.

01:19:00.600 It could?

01:19:01.140 I don't know.

01:19:02.500 I think it could.

01:19:03.360 If it bothers you so much

01:19:06.340 that you're doing a video

01:19:07.720 and you're sending it to people

01:19:09.360 on podcasts and stuff...

01:19:10.560 But it's in it to people, I think, that he admires there.

01:19:13.500 We have a young lady's perspective here today, which we don't have in all the time.

01:19:16.400 Can you see that knife?

01:19:17.100 It looks cool.

01:19:17.760 No, you can't.

01:19:18.480 You can hold the case to it, and I'll hold this part.

01:19:21.380 I think you should show her this episode.

01:19:22.940 That'll solve it.

01:19:23.840 Yeah, this episode could definitely help.

01:19:25.380 I mean, but I think, yeah, being real with her, because also you're going to need somebody

01:19:29.300 that you can be real with at some point.

01:19:30.580 Man, this is a great opportunity for you to be real and loving at the same time.

01:19:34.460 I love you.

01:19:35.040 I love listening to you.

01:19:36.100 sometimes i feel like your stories are too or just too long and it's you know it's hard to be

01:19:41.340 to stay focused the whole time you know when there are certain storytellers or certain people

01:19:45.680 who tell stories where they're like was it may was it june was it no it was definitely july and

01:19:49.400 they go into these like unimportant parts of the story yeah that destroys me when i'm when i have

01:19:54.780 to sit there and i'm just desperately waiting for the you know for the gist yeah yeah because i'm

01:19:59.800 living my life it's like i want to be supportive but at the same time i'm not out here just 0.99

01:20:03.280 absorbing your shit for an hour when it's not fine-tuned take it on stage and get it tight 0.98

01:20:06.880 and then bring it back to the relationship um what else do we have what else is going on 1.00

01:20:11.900 uh we got another question from australia from emma

01:20:14.940 hi theo bobby and kalilah it's emma from melbourne australia this little guy is six weeks old 0.99

01:20:24.920 and his dad is being an inconsiderate bastard.

01:20:30.800 For example, the other day I told him to grab Weston in the morning 0.99

01:20:36.260 so I could have a sleep in and his response was,

01:20:39.500 what about my sleep in?

01:20:41.340 And then last night I asked him to get ready in the bathroom,

01:20:48.240 put his work clothes on in the bathroom in the morning 0.99

01:20:50.240 so he doesn't wake me up and he cracked the shits. 1.00

01:20:53.680 So he's really being an inconsiderate bastard 1.00

01:20:56.460 And I was just wondering 0.99

01:20:58.860 What advice you have for him

01:21:00.520 And

01:21:02.040 Yeah, please help him

01:21:04.800 Also, for Valentine's Day

01:21:07.040 I got him tickets to your show

01:21:08.780 In Melbourne in May

01:21:09.660 You're very sweet

01:21:12.940 It's not good, is it, bud?

01:21:14.980 Gang gang

01:21:15.420 The baby looks like he's about 40 0.87

01:21:16.140 Gang gang, mommy

01:21:16.920 The baby looks like he's about 40 years old

01:21:18.680 And also the baby looks like he's been dating other babies in the neighborhood

01:21:21.280 That baby is sexually content

01:21:23.280 yeah yeah um well i think you could just even show them this video and let them know a that 0.96

01:21:30.200 obviously your wife really cares about you because she uh got your tickets to my show

01:21:35.920 and she's still thinking about the future of you guys and doing something fun together down the

01:21:39.660 line so but at the in the meantime she's thinking about some other issues she would love a little

01:21:44.420 bit more maybe understanding who knows what other stresses she's under it's also she's the one that

01:21:50.140 carried the baby for nine months and went through all the physical i mean imagine i i we're never

01:21:55.800 going to experience that yeah but what do you do with a man who's not able to that type of

01:22:00.380 information isn't able to sink in like when there's just so wrapped up in themselves and

01:22:05.860 they think their time is so fucking valuable let's say he maybe let's suppose like he brings home

01:22:10.500 you know he's financially more you know he brings on the bacon what if he thinks his role is to not

01:22:16.280 do that because i have a friend who has three kids and he doesn't feel like he needs to participate

01:22:21.920 in the kids rearing or helping with the newborn oh wow because he makes most of the money and so

01:22:27.740 you just have to be clear about those gender roles and if you're not okay with what's going on i think

01:22:32.860 you should just be really clear with him and say hey dude i'm exhausted i need your help that's

01:22:38.000 just the end of it all that's the end of the story i'm going to argue against it just for a second

01:22:42.180 though yeah if the dude is a coal miner right he has soot on him he wakes up at six in the morning

01:22:48.340 has to take an elevator to the you know in oh yeah in a cave the core and he whatever he's inhaling 0.68

01:22:55.480 is like giving him lung diseases right yeah and he's there for 12 hours fucking getting iron or 0.92

01:23:02.200 i don't know how they do it down there you know seven dwarfs yeah yeah so they love it but my 0.99

01:23:07.380 point is and he comes home and he's just dark you know and soot and just dirty and like tired as 1.00

01:23:14.360 fuck i think that that dude should be able to just take a bath and go to sleep yeah possibly 0.98

01:23:20.540 yeah it should be if you're working at you know kinko's right and you you're in charge of stocking 0.99

01:23:29.080 the highlighters you you can help out yeah yeah i agree and some of these should be i agree i think

01:23:36.380 that there's definitely you things you expect you're like oh well if i'm working you think

01:23:39.820 oh i expect that she should be able to handle that right but it should be communicated that's

01:23:44.620 the thing it's like hey what's going on i feel like i'm tired when i get home and she's like

01:23:48.740 well i feel like i would love to get a little bit of rest in the morning because it's a long day

01:23:51.920 and then i stay up at night with you to spend time with you when you get home you know it's um

01:23:56.260 and motherhood is so ice it can be very isolating it seems like it and you know you're feeding a

01:24:01.740 baby out of your own body i will say though that there really no is no excuse to not be considerate

01:24:07.560 and it sounds like even though this guy wants him he's just not being considerate right and my dad

01:24:13.100 was a really you know he he brought home the bacon he was a very very very busy man but he was always

01:24:18.520 really kind and thoughtful and considerate to my mom when she had two young babies and to this day

01:24:24.720 she's like there will be no better example of how a man should take care of two young kids given that

01:24:31.280 as busy as he was yeah and he was 70 years 70 years old wow he was an old guy he had tired

01:24:38.720 bones and he still showed up you guys have the same kind of vibe because your dad was super old

01:24:43.660 oh that's another thing we have in common and her dad was super old he was like 60 right when he had

01:24:49.260 you yeah yours was and they were on the swim team right you guys were on swim team yeah because we

01:24:53.380 were you know filipino no what last lucky sperm we swam fast oh yeah last lucky sperm we swam fast

01:25:00.500 yeah i like that um yeah i think yeah some consideration could definitely help and if you

01:25:06.920 are doing that just let her know why if there's a reason i think you just got to communicate with

01:25:10.600 it and be vulnerable and maybe she's a little bit scared i don't know if women get scared sometimes

01:25:14.600 after they have a kid do they feel like you know maybe my you know like my husband's gonna think

01:25:19.660 different than me or something i don't know maybe there's a lot of fears going on and

01:25:22.400 but it's obviously that she cares because she's doing something nice that for you for the future

01:25:27.180 to come to take you to a comedy show,

01:25:29.220 whether it's mine or anyone.

01:25:30.500 She's thinking about down the road.

01:25:32.340 And so, you know,

01:25:33.220 she's not obviously thinking about,

01:25:35.260 she just wants a little bit of help in the meantime.

01:25:37.420 She probably just wants some consideration.

01:25:39.040 But did she tell him these grievances?

01:25:41.980 Yeah, I think she did.

01:25:42.980 Or maybe this is her way of telling him

01:25:44.760 and happy Valentine's Day.

01:25:45.980 We like to say that.

01:25:47.740 But little Winston looks cute as hell.

01:25:49.660 Man, my buddy got a little Doberman,

01:25:52.100 not a Doberman, but something. 1.00

01:25:53.500 Some kind of real fuck, 1.00

01:25:55.320 like a little animal 1.00

01:25:56.180 little fox

01:25:56.820 or something

01:25:57.160 like a thick fox

01:25:58.220 and his name Winston.

01:26:00.280 Is it real?

01:26:00.880 Winston is a corgi

01:26:02.160 in our building

01:26:02.860 with paralyzed back legs.

01:26:04.880 Oh really?

01:26:05.460 And he's still alive?

01:26:06.540 Yeah, he's on wheels.

01:26:07.860 Winston is on wheels.

01:26:08.580 Tell him what happened.

01:26:09.800 We shouldn't say that.

01:26:10.620 No!

01:26:11.100 Why would we end

01:26:11.800 a Valentine's episode

01:26:12.920 telling Theo

01:26:13.620 about our neighbor that died?

01:26:15.180 Oh.

01:26:16.020 Our neighbor died.

01:26:17.120 Yeah, and it's sad.

01:26:18.080 But his headboard

01:26:18.780 was against our headboard.

01:26:20.360 Oh my God.

01:26:20.680 And I could feel

01:26:21.480 when he was passing away.

01:26:23.220 No way.

01:26:23.920 He was sick, yeah.

01:26:24.300 Yeah, and he was

01:26:25.100 in hospice care

01:26:26.080 and I told Bobby

01:26:26.800 I'm like

01:26:27.040 I've just been feeling

01:26:27.680 really heavy

01:26:28.340 and sure enough

01:26:29.160 I talked to his family

01:26:30.160 a couple days after

01:26:31.840 and he did pass away

01:26:32.820 when we were feeling it

01:26:33.860 did he have HIV

01:26:35.100 no

01:26:35.860 he died of

01:26:37.020 liver CA

01:26:38.400 he was a nice guy

01:26:39.400 well

01:26:40.820 he was

01:26:41.760 nice and not nice

01:26:43.120 but he was a good dude

01:26:44.220 death doesn't turn

01:26:45.320 people into saints

01:26:46.260 yeah

01:26:46.520 but it's really sad

01:26:48.420 it is sad

01:26:49.180 very sad

01:26:49.860 he was young and vibrant

01:26:50.840 was he really

01:26:51.540 yeah very young

01:26:52.660 and fit 0.96

01:26:53.380 fit as fuck yeah 0.98

01:26:54.480 And handsome, right? 1.00

01:26:55.460 Very handsome.

01:26:56.620 And he just had addiction issues?

01:26:59.020 No. 0.93

01:27:00.040 He just got shitty bad luck. 1.00

01:27:01.700 Was he a half Asian or full Asian? 1.00

01:27:02.720 I think he was full Asian.

01:27:04.100 He was full Asian, yeah. 0.97

01:27:05.020 But he was like 6'3", full Asian. 1.00

01:27:06.460 Not your kind of five foot full Asian. 1.00

01:27:08.460 Yeah, not that fucking little worker bee. 1.00

01:27:10.440 We're talking about a king or a queen. 0.99

01:27:13.120 Yeah, we've got one more so we don't end up.

01:27:14.620 Okay, let's do one more.

01:27:16.360 Yeah, that was downer, Bobby.

01:27:18.060 Hi, Theo, Kalilah, and Bobby.

01:27:20.720 My name is Julia and I'm from Toronto.

01:27:23.020 and i love all of you i love both of your podcasts tiger belly and this past weekend

01:27:29.120 i have a question for you all considering you're all in relationships what do you do about uh

01:27:37.460 being attracted to people outside of your relationships and have you ever felt

01:27:42.900 inclined or the urge or desire to step outside your relationship and cheat thanks so much guys

01:27:50.600 love you it's a really complex question that's an easy question though what is it well and there's

01:27:58.040 your two i want to hear you i want to see your answer and then i'll answer based on your answer

01:28:01.880 she already said me not chris dude if you go into a relationship thinking that you cannot have eyes

01:28:06.760 for anybody else you're setting yourself up for failure if you go in thinking that yes i will

01:28:12.040 always i will probably find 50 000 people attractive in my lifetime but i choose this

01:28:17.800 person it's a lot less of a burden to carry I tell you when I find someone attractive yeah but

01:28:23.000 I would I don't I'm not threatened by that feeling of attraction I just know that I'm allowed to feel

01:28:28.880 that way because I'm human and therefore I don't feel the need it doesn't become a temptation

01:28:33.500 because I own it right it becomes a temptation when you try to suppress that feeling of attraction

01:28:38.420 and then all of a sudden it feels like oh like it becomes exciting that temptation turns to

01:28:44.060 excitement because you're trying to

01:28:46.080 suppress it I also I honest honestly

01:28:48.020 I've always had many many

01:28:50.000 don't know

01:28:52.120 many crushes

01:28:53.660 of course we play candy crush too all the time

01:28:56.180 yeah no but I'll like

01:28:57.980 you know you know I'll go to a certain like

01:28:59.920 coffee shop or whatever 0.96

01:29:01.560 yeah and there's a girl that's there

01:29:04.060 that's cute right and then they go

01:29:06.160 oh you know I mean oh I'm a fan of you

01:29:08.060 you know and you go oh yeah and then you go

01:29:09.500 yeah sorry

01:29:11.640 sorry go on

01:29:13.380 I have these little mini crushes

01:29:15.800 during the day or over the years

01:29:17.720 but it's also you know

01:29:19.640 I know that I'm in a committed relationship

01:29:21.980 with her it doesn't you know

01:29:23.760 I don't know I just don't cheat

01:29:25.480 and I think those little mini crushes

01:29:27.920 or those little things make you realize

01:29:29.860 oh that I still have

01:29:30.960 I'm a human being and I have feelings

01:29:33.040 it also makes it kind of

01:29:35.860 exciting and I think that

01:29:37.760 it makes it exciting to kind of

01:29:39.880 see your partner too and remember that you did feel that same feeling with them but 50 times

01:29:45.320 stronger when you first met them right yeah and i think you just constantly have to remind yourself

01:29:49.380 that you you you felt that way about your partner now i think that you know people have their own

01:29:54.920 rules and relationships and people have like open relationships but it hasn't been hard being

01:29:59.180 monogamous with him even though i was my last relationship was with two men i lived in i lived

01:30:05.840 with two men we had a great relationship for several years we traveled together it was

01:30:09.700 respectful it was great it sounds good i never want to do that again it was exhausting it sounds

01:30:14.360 exhausting yeah um sounds very but i've never thought fun i know i know it hasn't been an

01:30:21.540 issue at least for me you know and i love the way you framed it too like the way that you see it like

01:30:25.760 you know um that it is sure those things are going to happen and that's totally natural like

01:30:32.100 to have attraction

01:30:32.720 to different people

01:30:33.560 and if you just see it

01:30:35.400 as that

01:30:35.880 and kind of be glad

01:30:37.060 that it happens

01:30:37.660 that you have that

01:30:38.260 even that function

01:30:39.200 in your brain

01:30:39.700 that you still

01:30:40.240 even can have that feeling

01:30:41.480 that doesn't mean

01:30:42.040 that it's not in you

01:30:42.940 and still towards

01:30:43.520 the other person

01:30:44.140 for you know

01:30:45.300 50 times the strength

01:30:46.340 I also have a friend

01:30:47.440 I'm not gonna say his name

01:30:48.720 who's married

01:30:49.300 has kids and stuff

01:30:50.120 who whenever he sees her

01:30:51.980 he obviously gives her 1.00

01:30:53.680 fuck eyes 1.00

01:30:54.220 yeah 1.00

01:30:54.440 like he like

01:30:56.000 looks her up and down

01:30:57.260 right

01:30:57.800 and if she's turned away 1.00

01:30:59.200 he'll look at her ass 1.00

01:31:00.300 and all that kind of stuff 0.99

01:31:01.320 you know have like a little smile and i watch him do it i'm fine with it bro yeah you know i get it

01:31:07.920 right she's hot yeah you know and i don't have jealous i don't have any and after your shows i

01:31:13.480 see women come up to him they kiss him on the cheek they want to hug him they want to flirt

01:31:16.980 with him say hey come with us have drinks and stuff and i always i never step in and i'm happy

01:31:22.420 for him that he gets to he's a cute talented man why wouldn't why wouldn't they be attracted to him

01:31:28.080 I was attracted to him.

01:31:29.160 Right.

01:31:29.480 That's a good point.

01:31:30.100 Yeah.

01:31:30.280 It's so funny.

01:31:30.800 It's, you know, it's so interesting.

01:31:31.780 It's like you would want people to be,

01:31:33.560 now you want them to work with it healthily

01:31:35.360 whenever they, whenever they get that.

01:31:36.860 I saw a girl, she opened up a hatchback

01:31:39.520 and she had a bunch of wood chips back there

01:31:41.040 and tried to convince Bobby to get back in there.

01:31:42.500 They had a water bottle in there

01:31:43.620 with a little spout coming out of it. 0.99

01:31:45.740 And I was like, damn, look empty. 0.98

01:31:47.400 They had a Candy Crush, like a big size iPad, 0.98

01:31:49.640 one that hasn't come out yet.

01:31:51.180 And he was really tempted.

01:31:52.760 You could see him almost get in there.

01:31:53.900 I was at Charlie, not Charlie,

01:31:55.260 I was at Charlie Goodnight's, that club.

01:31:56.820 and

01:31:58.020 this is the first time this ever happened

01:32:00.160 I first started dating Kalilah

01:32:02.420 but we're committed

01:32:03.600 and she grabbed my wrist 1.00

01:32:05.960 she goes let me blow you in the bathroom 1.00

01:32:07.400 and I went like this 0.98

01:32:08.780 is that when you went home

01:32:12.180 and changed your Facebook status

01:32:13.980 to in a relationship

01:32:14.840 I knew there was something you were compensating for

01:32:18.660 I figured you probably 1.00

01:32:20.580 got a blowjob at the strip club 1.00

01:32:21.760 I'm pretty sure it came close 1.00

01:32:24.860 and that's why you went home

01:32:25.820 when you were like, I gotta...

01:32:26.600 No, no, no, no, no, no.

01:32:27.400 I gotta tighten.

01:32:28.060 I gotta, yeah.

01:32:28.560 No, no, no, that never happened.

01:32:29.760 And...

01:32:30.400 I just, I don't even...

01:32:31.620 But he does, in the past,

01:32:33.800 he has, now we know our boundaries,

01:32:37.240 but in the beginning,

01:32:38.060 he didn't know what a boundary was.

01:32:40.040 Right.

01:32:40.220 What it meant.

01:32:41.260 So, in the beginning,

01:32:42.380 in our first year together,

01:32:43.880 he would do things like,

01:32:45.640 text a woman, like, 1.00

01:32:46.400 I wanna fuck you, raw dog, or whatever. 1.00

01:32:49.040 And it was like, this is Postmates, guy. 1.00

01:32:51.980 Or, like, he would just go out of his way

01:32:54.600 to you know he would take that temptation go a little bit too far verbally that's what i'd do

01:33:00.460 that's what i'd done um but then i just made it really clear with him i said look um that's my

01:33:05.740 line you know you know light flirting you know innocent stuff all good but to tell her you have 0.99

01:33:12.400 plans of fucking her raw dog yeah that's my line that's my boundary right and you just have to be 0.99

01:33:18.680 really clear about your lines with each other in your relationship i like that wow i'm actually 0.99

01:33:24.340 learning some stuff today yeah i mean i and i you know i was in a relationship and i didn't do that

01:33:29.580 good of having boundaries and stuff like that and now that i've been off pornography i've felt a lot

01:33:33.260 less tempted to really engage with women as much as i used to like it used to be like a lot more

01:33:37.520 of a temptation for me and now it's like i don't even that some of that temptation is going away

01:33:42.080 where it's not even it's just like a bad habit almost um and i don't feel like i have to just

01:33:47.500 uh cling to any type of attraction that a woman sends to me because it was making it hard for me

01:33:52.660 to you know even be in a relationship because i was just acknowledging other like attractions that

01:33:56.760 would come in yeah i had this weird thing that if somebody like showed interest in me that if i

01:34:00.900 didn't in some way acknowledge it or return it even like just like a a hug or like a swanky face

01:34:08.280 or a smile or something then then like i was like letting them down somehow or something so i think

01:34:15.560 i still have a lot to learn in that space it's also very difficult as a performer i think so i

01:34:20.240 think that you guys are in a completely different difficult um i've never gotten attention in the 0.98

01:34:25.720 same way that you guys get attention so i don't know how i would feel if dick was thrown my

01:34:31.780 direction you know and the frequency that you know you guys get it but you learn from you learn from

01:34:38.460 guys like that are faithful dudes you know you learn from like greg fitzsimmons a lot of the

01:34:44.580 Redheads, Bill Burr, you know. 1.00

01:34:47.140 Half Asians, too.

01:34:48.320 Steve Byrne.

01:34:49.160 Oh, yeah.

01:34:49.740 Yeah, yeah.

01:34:50.120 Al Magical.

01:34:51.120 Oh, yeah.

01:34:51.720 And guys like that.

01:34:52.500 They're pretty, you know.

01:34:56.600 Daniel Day Kim.

01:34:57.600 Yeah, Day Kim, too.

01:34:58.660 Yeah, yeah.

01:34:59.140 Monogamous guys.

01:35:00.180 Yeah.

01:35:01.320 Especially, there are certain guys like Byrne or a lot of these guys that are married now

01:35:06.640 that used to be players.

01:35:08.280 Yeah.

01:35:08.580 You know what I mean?

01:35:08.940 And they have made a choice.

01:35:11.040 and um but we you and i also know a lot of guys that don't do that well that are just straight 0.98

01:35:16.760 pussy hitchhikers yeah i do think though that men and all men women need to get that out of their 1.00

01:35:21.860 system yeah and especially women just fuck as many dudes as you can some of it's getting out of your 1.00

01:35:27.880 system and some of it's like you know these days it's almost like you'd almost rather end up with 1.00

01:35:31.720 someone too that you want to have a partner that it's like you guys can raise a family if you're

01:35:36.080 having a family like some people they get married it's all based on sensuality it's nice huh and

01:35:40.520 And then they, but then that goes away and then they end up, you know, they have two kids and they're divorced.

01:35:45.260 And it's like, you know, it's definitely interesting to figure out what ingredients need to be in a relationship for, you know, for you to be then parents.

01:35:52.140 And then they're never just the same ingredients for every relationship either.

01:35:55.420 Because I think that Bobby and I are a little atypical and what works for us certainly might not work for somebody else.

01:36:01.900 or the can't the we're very brutally honest and some people find that really uncomfortable that

01:36:06.960 we he shares pictures with prostitutes that he's been with with me yeah you know he's like look at 0.95

01:36:13.640 this when i fucked this girl in the motel and it doesn't really phase me that might not work for 0.97

01:36:17.720 other people that kind of just transparency might not work for others they call that being very i 0.94

01:36:21.720 have weird photos around my house like if you look in drawers you'll just see me with like oh yeah

01:36:26.660 and like really seedy places on my shoulder yeah maybe with i have wings on you know i mean

01:36:31.760 I'm on a mountaintop 0.97

01:36:32.540 I've done some crazy shit 0.95

01:36:34.140 that's awesome 0.99

01:36:34.600 I love his pants on

01:36:36.280 thank you dude

01:36:37.060 wow

01:36:37.620 anyway that was a great Valentine's

01:36:38.740 I gotta eat man

01:36:39.320 happy Valentine's

01:36:39.880 yeah let's get these guys out of here

01:36:41.140 Bobby and Kalilah 1.00

01:36:42.700 the Slep King 0.97

01:36:44.060 and the Awake Queen

01:36:44.820 thank you so much

01:36:45.540 I love you so much

01:36:46.640 when are you gonna come on ours soon?

01:36:48.680 I'll come on next

01:36:49.140 Monday

01:36:49.620 am I on Monday?

01:36:50.680 I think so

01:36:51.280 you're on Monday dude

01:36:52.360 it'll be great dude

01:36:53.040 I'm gonna get to see you again

01:36:54.420 happy Valentine's

01:36:55.220 I love you man

01:36:55.960 love you too Kalilah

01:36:57.680 love you Theo

01:36:58.460 thank you

01:37:01.760 And I feel I'm falling like these leaves

01:37:05.340 I must be cornerstone

01:37:08.680 Oh, but when I reach that ground

01:37:13.240 I'll share this peace of mind I found

01:37:16.060 I can feel it in my bones

01:37:19.540 But it's gonna take a little time

01:37:25.220 For me to set that parking brake

01:37:29.100 And left myself on wine

01:37:31.900 Shine that light on me

01:37:35.820 I'll sit and tell you my stories

01:37:41.500 Shine on me

01:37:46.520 And I will find a song

01:37:50.740 I will sing it just for you

01:37:59.100 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.

01:38:19.840 The answer may shock you.

01:38:21.580 Sometimes I'll interview my friends.

01:38:23.620 Sometimes I won't.

01:38:24.980 And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.

01:38:28.000 You have three new voice messages.

01:38:31.240 A lot of people are talking about Kite Club.

01:38:34.160 I've been talking about Kite Club for so long.

01:38:36.840 Longer than anybody else.

01:38:38.460 So great.

01:38:39.820 Hi, Swaya.

01:38:41.480 Here's a deal. 1.00

01:38:42.820 Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. 1.00

01:38:46.760 Jermaine. 0.99

01:38:48.000 Hi, I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry.

01:38:51.820 Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken.

01:38:53.920 Oh, no.

01:38:55.400 I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me.

01:38:58.440 Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:39:02.780 Second rule of Kite Club is, tell everyone about Kite Club.

01:39:07.020 Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts, or watch us on YouTube, yeah?

01:39:12.780 And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - February 15, 2019

Valentine's Day Special： Bobby Lee & Khalyla ｜ This Past Weekend #174

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