True Patriot Love - Are We Parenting Kids the Wrong Way Today？ ft. Sim Chhabra

00:00:00.000 Maybe you heard the story over the last couple of weeks that an airplane had to return back to the

00:00:05.460 gate because the parents of a young child couldn't get the seat belt on the child. Well, right away

00:00:12.100 everybody's like, what's going on? These parents couldn't get this kid to behave? What on earth

00:00:17.320 could possibly be wrong with these parents? I will admit that I might have had that thought

00:00:23.260 as well. I'm Mike Wix and this is TPL Media. Today we're talking about parenting because

00:00:28.020 is it getting worse out there are parenting structures changing are people becoming worse

00:00:34.340 parents i wonder if that's just our perception through social media and the stuff that's

00:00:39.380 presented to me in my algorithm i don't know what you get in yours and to talk to us more about that

00:00:49.920 today is our very own sim chabra how's it going buddy hey mike nice to see you simranjit by the

00:00:56.400 way i like it your name is very uh your full name yeah we say sim a lot around here when i say sim

00:01:02.260 ranjit i feel like you're you're royalty of some sort well thanks it's a very royal sounding name

00:01:07.960 to me yeah it's funny because when you say parenting if i had heard my full name from my

00:01:13.960 mother that knew i was in trouble oh yeah when i heard michael yeah it wasn't just the tone when

00:01:22.120 the full name and by the way that's translated into my marriage apparently as well because it's

00:01:27.500 not baby it's michael yeah so yeah i think that we do we do tend to do that we identify each other

00:01:33.120 as simranjeet yeah oh ah here it comes you're right but thank you for giving me the royalty

00:01:39.400 because i've never gotten royalty i've mostly gotten punishment so your royalty in my heart

00:01:43.700 i promise you that uh by the way uh if you don't know sim joins us from horizonwithin.ca he's a

00:01:50.000 psychotherapist and a great guy if you ever wondered what a psychotherapist is like well

00:01:54.660 mine's pretty cool I don't know what yours is like uh listen parenting is something that we

00:02:01.340 get pretty judgy about out there like I you know a kid will misbehave in a public scenario and you

00:02:07.120 know the parents are suffering I've been in the scenario I have had a kid raging and you feel

00:02:12.820 horrible because that moment to rein it in seems like an impossibility but you know I have to say

00:02:19.140 those moments are rare in the day of a kid i mean unless there's really something going on with the

00:02:24.820 child we have minimal amount of those moments generally speaking as parents but we will focus

00:02:31.220 in on them as society when we see it going on oh my god they don't know how to parent that kid yeah

00:02:35.940 it could just be a momentary meltdown yeah or my kid would never do that right you that's that's

00:02:40.900 a very standard uh opinion that comes out my kid would never do that or i as a parent would never

00:02:47.060 allow that i think social media shows us a lot of bad parenting on a daily basis uh you know and

00:02:52.820 just the media in general we have a scoop scope of the whole world right now to choose from and

00:02:57.300 filter out the good the bad and the ugly and we love to show the ugly so i think to some degree

00:03:02.660 maybe parenting is taking a shot right now because there's so much uh i guess exposure of it of

00:03:10.180 people's private moments it's more visible yeah uh i feel like you know if we go back in time

00:03:17.060 right like you go back pre-tiktok pre-reels you wouldn't see those outbursts as quickly like you

00:03:25.620 know you an interesting thing is you know good thing there's no um recordings of the experience

00:03:31.940 of what happened on that plane at that time right and you know we did look for it by the way and you

00:03:36.020 said to me i don't think it's out there i don't think canadians at that time of day were interested

00:03:39.380 in pulling out a camera right and that kind of like you know kind of showcases uh some kind of

00:03:45.740 cultural um sensitivity in regards to quick to publicize right right and i'm not diminishing

00:03:55.460 you know our friends to the south but you know we talked about it i go you know this was a flight

00:04:00.080 originating from any of any of those state cities south of south of the border and there's a good

00:04:05.660 chance somebody would have recorded it because it's a natural um response to do it's funny that

00:04:11.960 that is a response now for people to pick up the phone and uh be ready to humiliate somebody in

00:04:18.120 their worst moment or the most dangerous moment right and for them it's it's you know whatever

00:04:22.440 their motives is and usually it's uh views right like we only right you incentivize views because

00:04:28.300 there's a benefit to it well look what we've become and that's by the way i think a good episode in

00:04:33.100 the future that we can talk to about how we've become slaves to that mentality but it's interesting

00:04:38.060 to me because as judgmental as we can be about parents as parents I think that all of this and

00:04:45.340 this is aside from everything we're talking about today but I think that there is bad promotion

00:04:50.360 going on for parenting right now if you take a look at social media and you're a young person

00:04:55.140 maybe in your 20s early 20s you might think I don't want to be in that scenario I therefore

00:05:00.780 i'm not going to have children i think there could be a certain amount of dissuasive propaganda out

00:05:08.460 there right there and there's also this pressure of being good parents right or being better parents

00:05:14.980 than your parents right there's always that that natural thing of you know when i have kids yeah

00:05:21.140 or when i'm a parent i will and like you know my parents would always say wait till you have kids

00:05:26.660 you will know you'll understand what you will understand it right and then and we all have that

00:05:32.120 realization you're like okay now i know what you mean it's got nothing to do with um the relationship

00:05:38.500 it's got to do with the responsibility right because parenting if you really look at it in

00:05:44.440 the truest sense right it's it's about providing that child with tools that they can then go out

00:05:52.020 into the world and function as adults right because at the end of the day what you control

00:05:58.800 within your four walls is unique to your four walls but you still need to interact with what's

00:06:05.160 beyond the four walls and now we live in a world where beyond the four walls one it's a lot more

00:06:13.140 um opaque not as clear uh you know we go back say gen xers right there was a a fixed linear growth

00:06:24.800 of um life transitions right so up to 17 you're in grade 12 grade 13 if you're in canada then you

00:06:33.580 went to college finished college you're mid-20s you found somebody you settled down you know by

00:06:39.460 your thirties, you were a family person, dah, dah, dah, dah.

00:06:42.460 We're not passing judgment.

00:06:43.300 We're just saying the arc of society, right?

00:06:45.300 That was the arc of society.

00:06:46.360 I think that's like a sort of the normalized arc

00:06:49.040 we have in our minds.

00:06:49.920 Right.

00:06:50.760 What I'm saying is it existed, right?

00:06:54.580 Over time, society evolves, we evolve, value evolves.

00:06:57.840 There is no judgment there.

00:06:59.520 So now if you're as a Gen Z-er, 0.52

00:07:02.940 well, that arc is not as linear or not as sharpened.

00:07:09.460 as it was for a gen xer because the pipeline was this is what right so as a parent as a millennial

00:07:17.460 now right you have a a dual um um processing to do singular is how am i going to raise my kids

00:07:25.460 portability resources and all of that but then what are they growing into because that's that

00:07:32.180 much more blurred right so that's that's a very big reason why there's a sense of apprehension

00:07:37.460 i'm not saying that is the only reason or that's there's a way that that people could have that

00:07:41.860 redefined in this world or have we have we moved past that because we're so evolved that parenting

00:07:48.820 to us is a much more organic and or requires training scenario like the one thing that i will

00:07:56.900 say is that you know there's no course for parenting really before most people i i didn't

00:08:02.580 take one three kids not one single course uh so you know i think that there is that element to it too

00:08:09.780 how can you judge how good somebody's doing with with with a scenario as a parent when every kid

00:08:15.540 is different there is no you know logically defined course in parenting we're all feeling

00:08:24.020 our way through this so parenting is doing everything right and still being wrong tell me

00:08:29.540 about it yeah that's what parenting is you know because based on where you are right and depending

00:08:37.780 on what age of that child is your parenting style is gonna match that right and transitioning it's

00:08:47.300 not as um clear it's not like there's a marker oh now i have to switch to this oh now i have to

00:08:55.100 switch to this. So, you know, to frame it in a little bit more

00:08:59.420 of a clinical way. There's five different parenting styles. 0.95

00:09:03.860 This is interesting, you know, and by the way, there's some

00:09:07.540 really, and you'll see them on the screen, but some beautiful

00:09:11.220 slides that Sim brought with him and we'll make those PDFs

00:09:15.100 available to you. But yeah, these parenting styles as I went

00:09:19.340 through them. It's funny how quickly identifiable they are

00:09:23.340 to me right because um so you know to kind of like walk people through you you you have four

00:09:31.280 distinct ones yep that were kind of like identified and they were the uh authoritarian i'll go through

00:09:37.520 the big names and then kind of work down what they are in a second so you have the authoritarian you

00:09:42.800 have the authoritative you have the permissive and you have the uninvolved okay millennials have

00:09:49.100 brought in gentle parenting. And I think that is where a lot of the

00:09:54.140 confusions coming in, because I was reading up on the on the what

00:09:58.520 gentle parenting is and like, you know, what, what the conversation is

00:10:02.900 about, and there are elements of how we can converse with children.

00:10:09.400 But how we converse with children, how we parent children aren't the same.

00:10:13.880 I was going to say I very rarely in a scenario where I was doing

00:10:18.620 Right.

00:10:19.040 Heavy parenting at that moment was the room for a conversation.

00:10:23.040 But it's situational, right?

00:10:24.860 Because at the end of the day, um, so, so to go back to like what each style is.

00:10:30.320 Yeah.

00:10:30.500 Okay.

00:10:30.720 So take me through authoritarian.

00:10:32.120 So what happens is minute, we hear the word authoritarian, we think of, you

00:10:36.160 know, leave it to beaver kind of thing, right?

00:10:37.980 Like five o'clock, I come home, you know, there's a pie in the oven.

00:10:43.740 Um, we're going to have dinner together.

00:10:46.060 Okay.

00:10:46.280 Timmy, how was your day?

00:10:47.420 Right.

00:10:47.680 Like that's not authoritarian parenting.

00:10:50.220 Yes, it is strict parenting, but that's not authoritarian parenting.

00:10:53.980 And the best way to understand authoritarian parenting is it's weeknight, it's bedtime, and they're still on their tablet.

00:11:02.600 Yeah, I like the definition, strict rules.

00:11:06.000 Right.

00:11:06.400 But what I'm saying is that's authoritarian parenting because it's a weeknight, it's bedtime, and the tablet is still on.

00:11:16.340 Right.

00:11:16.600 that that is authoritarian parenting but it's being presented as oh you know maybe we can have

00:11:22.460 a conversation those are rules because you're parenting you're teaching a child hey listen

00:11:29.360 this is a hard stop because there is a consequence because that singular habit

00:11:35.800 at seven years of age is going to transfer to a disciplined habit when they're 24 and they have an

00:11:44.900 8am class or they have to be where do you think it correlates

00:11:48.660 from? It doesn't correlate out of magic. It correlates from

00:11:51.920 being authoritarian and consistent. So at that moment,

00:11:55.860 you may be the worst parent ever. But 15 years later, you have a

00:12:00.860 life skill, right? That you wouldn't have had if I was a

00:12:04.820 gentle parent, and I was sitting down with you and trying to

00:12:07.620 negotiate with you another 15 minutes,

00:12:10.340 You've made an impression on that aspect of it.

00:12:13.540 Now, I take a look at it and your definitions are strict rules, high demands,

00:12:19.180 little warmth and harsh discipline.

00:12:22.540 It's 8 p.m.

00:12:24.100 It's a school night and the laptops or the iPad still on.

00:12:28.500 All four meet that criteria. Right.

00:12:32.240 That doesn't make them a bad parent now, does it?

00:12:33.840 No. Why?

00:12:34.880 Because that's what parenting is. 0.98

00:12:36.440 Parenting is about boundaries. 0.68

00:12:38.580 Parenting is about exchange.

00:12:40.300 how you communicate them now they could get angry they could that's how you communicate

00:12:48.480 parenting communication that's the rule setting and parenting and then that might net itself a

00:12:54.640 couple of conversations right and a conversation is a different element how you communicate

00:13:00.520 is a different component of parent what's happening is people or people i shouldn't say

00:13:07.820 people but you know what's being presented is they're one in the same they're not synonymous

00:13:12.100 right now same child well that's where it becomes sorry that's where it becomes easy to judge

00:13:18.220 another parent or ourselves or ourselves yeah right because at the end of the day you could

00:13:23.100 be coming down and you could be like was i too harsh no you have to be consistent right you have

00:13:28.020 to have inconvenience right that's why what does they say you don't make friends with your boss

00:13:32.880 why because when they discipline you it no it's a clear boundary right this is how it works

00:13:40.000 parenting is the work part of it same child now authoritative parenting right authority bearing

00:13:46.120 clear limits open communication right nurturing right so same thing um it's weekend now right

00:13:54.120 fine you have whatever you're bending the rules whatever right you're adjusting to

00:13:59.820 you're accommodating right so weeknights you might be more authoritarian weekends you're

00:14:04.940 authoritative right where you're which is a little more so now you can have a conversation

00:14:10.040 about something or you know what you get three extra hours we want you won't have a consequence

00:14:14.960 right right permissive parenting right same thing um you're up at the cottage right and they don't

00:14:22.460 want to go out and you're like you know what we're up at the cottage that's fine you've had a rough

00:14:28.200 week you want to just tune out and that's your zone fine right so that one singular act of how

00:14:39.020 much social media time or how much uh media time or screen time they get right because that's where

00:14:46.680 a lot of the fights tend to be a lot of the tussling needs to be is like you know and then

00:14:50.640 you get these big words of digital detox and and people out there are just creating words and

00:14:55.900 throwing them out there as long as they sound good right right and at the end of the day i'm like

00:14:59.280 that's not what it is about because parenting is about creating consistency parenting is about

00:15:05.140 teaching them how to create space and time with restrictions if it doesn't have it at home it's

00:15:13.140 not going to be happening anywhere else i think also there's a certain amount of parents are

00:15:18.020 limited in time it's so expensive just to have a family that most of us are just tied to work to

00:15:24.320 pay for and then parenting suffers a bit but it kind of occurs to me that in the permissive low

00:15:33.080 demand high responsiveness uh scenario you might find yourself um with a kid that doesn't want to

00:15:43.720 do much and kind of sets the rules am i wrong about that tell me a little bit more well what

00:15:49.720 i'm saying is if i'm permissive and i'm like okay we're at the cottage and

00:15:54.320 you've had a hard week and you don't want to do anything and I understand that and that's going

00:15:57.960 to be your vibe yeah to some degree I think that's okay but to another degree I think that

00:16:05.680 you might have to be somewhat authoritative overlapping that for things like okay you've

00:16:13.480 had a lot of time at the cottage we've let you chill out and do your thing but honestly we're

00:16:18.080 all taking turns doing dishes here right we're all going for a canoe ride after dinner absolutely

00:16:22.800 all of those things this is not about uh being in a singular track right at that moment it's

00:16:30.520 it's learning how to blend it's learning how to uh use elements of what you need to use so just

00:16:38.240 because they want to fuse out that doesn't mean you're letting them you know completely isolate

00:16:43.820 themselves no you'll still tether them to a certain amount of it could be engagement it could

00:16:48.960 be collective watching it could be you know where you're like all right set limits so you could set

00:16:54.560 an authoritarian time limit what i'm saying is like a lot of times they feel we got to pigeon

00:17:00.080 ourselves into this square block and then stick to that and that becomes the entire parenting style

00:17:04.880 it's about knowing how to have fluidity i was going to say i think that we kind of move with

00:17:10.320 a certain amount of fluidity based on the kid if you have several kids maybe you're as a you know

00:17:15.440 consistency is when you have kids so it's it's about consistency because each one's going to

00:17:20.080 have their unique communication style right but that's not what we're talking about necessarily

00:17:27.120 as this parenting is the boundary setting and being consistent about it right yeah because

00:17:34.080 siblings will always find like i'm the youngest i'm so my brother then my sister they're a year

00:17:39.200 apart and i'm four years three years younger to my sister's four years brother so if you look at

00:17:46.240 sibling order well yeah you know i learned where not to make the errors and you learn it through a

00:17:51.280 subconscious lens right right and you learn it through your environmental lens so i i got my

00:17:56.080 driver's license when i was 16. there was no questions asked my brother got it at 18. right

00:18:01.280 right so now all of a sudden through my brother's lens well you got it at 16. right yeah but i didn't

00:18:06.720 didn't get my car till I was 22 and not to pay for it you got a car when you were 18 so we could

00:18:10.180 just keep going back and forth it's funny how and then as a parent you've actually enacted these

00:18:15.340 things but you're parented right but you parented right yeah but what I'm saying is in terms of like

00:18:21.440 authoritarian stuff 7 a.m you couldn't sleep in like my dad was a like 7 a.m you're out of bed

00:18:27.520 right you know what I mean my mom if it's a school night 8 p.m is lights out and if the lights were

00:18:32.860 on, guess which name came through the kitchen? Samarangin,

00:18:36.340 if I get in there.

00:18:38.560 The full Samarangin? 0.99

00:18:39.700 Yeah, you know what I mean? You don't want me coming into your 1.00

00:18:42.700 room, right? So what I'm saying is, they both had their rules.

00:18:47.100 My dad had like, you know, you have to be up and da da da. And

00:18:49.380 it instills certain habits. The point that I'm trying to make

00:18:51.980 here is this. We are elements of all five at any given time. And

00:18:57.140 there is no identifier that will tell you, oh, this is my style

00:19:02.440 at this moment i was going to say like it's hard to know and then some of them are blended i mean

00:19:06.460 they're all blended in most cases i feel like i've always been authoritative permissive on that range

00:19:13.560 i don't know that i've ever been a gentle parent to be honest with you respectful communication

00:19:18.500 as a parent i was probably a little bit more yeah i don't care about your story do what i'm asking

00:19:23.140 you to do in in conversation and then later on conversations were often very common right you

00:19:30.160 want you want to measure this the best ways to measure this is wind down towards bed you brush

00:19:37.700 your teeth shower right see where your parenting style is for them gotcha when they are going to

00:19:45.400 school right and then graduate based on their age so you know when they're in like grade seven grade

00:19:53.620 eight, right? Shift the responsibility for mornings,

00:19:57.640 right? Because when they're young, that's when you're

00:20:00.200 defining sleep schedules. When they're awake, you're

00:20:03.940 so now we've stopped talking about that. You already know

00:20:06.340 the rules about that. You already know how I feel. So

00:20:08.500 let's move on to this.

00:20:09.640 Now you can play different roles as a parent based on

00:20:12.420 that. So in September, now school is going to start. So

00:20:15.940 every grade eight, grade nine parent, right? They may go,

00:20:21.400 you know what hey i'm going to be authoritarian because the bus comes at 7 30 which means you

00:20:29.740 need to be a hard awake and negotiate that time right and then you give a 15 minute margin of

00:20:35.620 error because that's life right so you go okay i mean it doesn't matter what you did the night

00:20:40.780 before you have to be at that breakfast at the dining room table at 7 a.m because you are eating

00:20:46.380 breakfast and we got to get you to the bus on time but you can be permissive you want to eat pop

00:20:51.300 tart city for breakfast that's okay you want to eat waffles for breakfast that's okay but you're

00:20:55.100 going to be here to eat but the authoritarian is firm which is establishing good dietary habit

00:21:00.520 good responsibility scheduling the works but that's so you can you can be gentle right you

00:21:06.060 know what i mean you could be like you know what okay you know what you may not something x whatever

00:21:10.740 the x value is then you switch to gentle you see by the way i read gentle and i think to myself

00:21:16.360 yourself oh that's adorable yeah yeah wish yeah oh yeah yeah i wish i had more empathy as a parent

00:21:24.260 i wish i was more respectful with communication but you are because your parents parents are

00:21:29.820 gentle if you just express it differently you don't see parents dropping children do you that's

00:21:34.480 gentle no i don't know i think right there you go end of story you know when when you were learning

00:21:38.960 how to ride a bike and you fell off your bike nobody sat there and scoffed at you they went

00:21:42.240 game nurtured you right that's gentle that's gentle parenting wait a second when they fell

00:21:46.720 off the bike you were supposed to what what i'm just kidding i nurtured uh the parenting styles

00:21:52.720 are very interesting i can see how i can see how there is this fluidity i can see how you you need

00:21:58.800 to use some at different points and maybe you're not all of them and some of them feel awkward to

00:22:03.440 you but the chances are you're going to wear a bunch of these badges all the time right so if

00:22:08.240 If you're, you know, say, you know, you've got grade two, three, four, five, okay?

00:22:15.100 You want to try different parenting styles for that age, right?

00:22:17.920 Because the school is going to be starting.

00:22:20.160 For them to get into good sleeping habits is the hardest.

00:22:23.040 Right.

00:22:23.380 You're not negotiating time.

00:22:25.840 What you're negotiating is the non-negotiable, right?

00:22:29.340 So that's your critical point.

00:22:30.600 So think of it as like, go, no go for lunch, right?

00:22:34.100 At that one point, it's either go or no go, right?

00:22:38.240 And every part of mission control, go or no go.

00:22:42.820 There's no, I need a second.

00:22:44.940 Over here, we're just thinking.

00:22:46.080 No, it's go, no go.

00:22:46.940 So you literally have to kind of go, okay, look, they're not going to understand it.

00:22:51.840 But you're explaining to them that small habits make big changes.

00:22:56.980 You want to instill good sleep habits that people struggle with as adults?

00:23:01.760 There's your magic window.

00:23:03.140 It's so funny.

00:23:03.440 I think that maybe I wasn't given good sleep habits as a kid because I struggle with sleep.

00:23:08.240 Even if you were given good sleep habits, if you didn't have authoritarian parenting with a significant go-no-go, the disciplining part, we didn't have tablets.

00:23:20.860 I'm trying to think, maybe when I was little, it was pretty stiff now that I'm thinking.

00:23:24.400 But in my teenage years, I kind of went toward my own schedule.

00:23:31.420 Different. It changes.

00:23:33.360 Because we're not establishing anymore.

00:23:34.940 right there so you that's what i'm saying in that age that's why you know in that zone it's different

00:23:41.420 teenagers you're teaching them how to get up early you're not fighting them to go to sleep

00:23:45.100 you're teaching them how to get up early so for a teenager you'd flip the switch right you go

00:23:52.140 you can stay up till three in the morning but seven a.m life happens gotcha that's another

00:23:57.980 lesson actually it's a different learning now because what happens is then they reverse back

00:24:01.820 and they go wait a minute i have to be at least at 40 capacity or 50 capacity or i'm gonna have

00:24:09.660 a struggling day so guess what they do they reverse and they correct where they want to sleep

00:24:15.500 so you're giving them oh man i've been dead the last two nights i gotta go to bed early tonight

00:24:19.580 it gives them that record as a parent you're changing as a parent your dad is parenting

00:24:25.580 when you become young adults now it's completely hands-off now it becomes more conversational

00:24:32.940 oh do you think it's because you don't sleep on time or because when you get up you're tired you

00:24:38.380 know it's it's interesting but even even and that by the way that sounded like it came out of my

00:24:42.460 mouth so you think that work is school is too heavy for you today or that you went to bed at

00:24:48.540 1 30 in the morning because you wouldn't turn off your phone right and then they self-learn so that

00:24:52.460 is parenting parent there you don't go am i a gentle parent am i no you you are you're could

00:24:58.220 i run one by you okay so now uh i've said to you do you think it is this a couple weeks go by and

00:25:03.900 i see them still struggling now as a parent i'll be honest with you my next conversation is this

00:25:10.460 i'm anticipating that you might have some struggling marks in the next little while

00:25:16.460 and i'm i'm going to tell you that i'm keeping an eye on that because i think that you need to be

00:25:22.540 getting more sleep and i'm going to directly attribute this behavior to that result how old

00:25:29.180 are they 13. okay be 13 for a second yeah hear all of that what's your response exactly well

00:25:38.700 hold on i wasn't done right let me finish yeah so when i take a look at the next three tests from you

00:25:46.460 and they show a difference in, you know, any significance,

00:25:52.540 I think we would have a chat about the time you go to bed in.

00:25:55.620 Right.

00:25:56.060 I think we might have to reestablish that.

00:25:57.700 So maybe self-monitor this a little bit.

00:26:00.460 Maybe take the responsibility to behave because I don't want to have to go back

00:26:05.560 in time and reestablish your bedtime.

00:26:08.040 Right.

00:26:08.300 So you're trying to communicate a need, right?

00:26:11.960 Yeah.

00:26:12.540 Okay.

00:26:12.760 I guess.

00:26:13.300 What is the need?

00:26:14.500 The need is get to bed.

00:26:15.920 what is the need that the kid needs proper healthy sleep the need is that they need to be able to

00:26:24.300 do well in school right that's the need oh that's the need you're right yeah that's the need yeah

00:26:29.440 how to achieve that need is they need to sleep right okay now 13 year old brain yeah there is 0.88

00:26:36.520 no cause and effect right because it's a transitioning brain this is where you change

00:26:42.260 your style. This is where instead of being not regimented, what 0.97

00:26:46.880 you were doing when they were in grade five, grade six, grade

00:26:49.380 seven, you're using an old tool to communications issue, even

00:26:53.720 worse, I'm threatening that I'm going to use an old tool. But

00:26:56.900 you are already going to diminish you back to this old

00:26:59.600 Yeah, whatever. You're that's the communication part of it,

00:27:02.300 right? You're you need to evolve on your style. So you because

00:27:06.140 you're a teenager, they're evolving into becoming young

00:27:09.800 adults so you go okay i need gentle parenting i need clear communication that's the match

00:27:19.320 so you could sit down with them and go okay i understand that you have these priorities so

00:27:28.280 one of the the tricks that i use in session is think kids are digital now right so i go

00:27:34.680 just imagine when you get up in the morning i want you to you know how you have your phone

00:27:39.100 charge battery i want you to just wake up and kind of gauge what your battery of energy is

00:27:43.660 okay and then ask yourself do i have enough to get through the day with it

00:27:50.380 that's a great exercise i've inverted it solved the problem through i just communicated i didn't

00:27:57.820 change anything we didn't change you just communicated on the on the same frequency

00:28:03.900 made them go okay because i spoke a language they understand which is no teenager would want to have

00:28:10.720 a 35 battery and leave that house unless they have a battery pack but as a human you don't have

00:28:16.260 battery packs so and then all of a sudden they'll be like you know what no i need at least 50 okay

00:28:21.240 what do you need what do you need so you wake up at 50 i better go to bed a bit earlier i think i

00:28:28.100 better cut this out so i didn't have to do any of the threats so that's where parenting style

00:28:32.060 evolves when you're dealing with uh preteens it's a different when you're dealing with

00:28:38.920 children it's different adapt your style to the range meet them there that doesn't mean meet them

00:28:45.940 their way gentle parenting is presenting it as this is an interesting uh perspective how we

00:28:53.240 learn to parent generational chain reaction yeah i told you a story earlier about how uh some

00:29:01.260 anecdotal research was done on serial killers and we found out that uh serial killers during a

00:29:07.300 certain era were all parented by post-war fathers yeah and uh that trauma of war made a generational

00:29:16.180 leap yeah into that child causing pretty serious harm i'm not saying we're raising psycho killers

00:29:23.220 that's not my point but it does show that a certain generation can have a certain result

00:29:29.900 absolutely and i agree with you 100 so if we um make the marker in the middle gen x okay

00:29:38.560 we're at the age where a lot of us are turning into grandparents right yeah that means our kids

00:29:45.660 are parents and then we're looking at the downstream our kids had baby boomers that

00:29:53.640 grandparents, which means we had the silent parent, the generation, which is the post-war

00:30:00.780 that came back as young adults.

00:30:03.100 I love this.

00:30:03.760 You've laid this out on the slide and I'll encourage people to download it because you've

00:30:07.400 put it into generations, the silent generation, the boomers, Gen X, and then millennials.

00:30:12.560 But you've also then cross-gridded it with lived experience, how they parented and how

00:30:19.480 it influenced the child.

00:30:20.620 So let's take a minute, because I really just want to go through these, if we can, because I think this is interesting to people.

00:30:26.840 The silent generation, their lived experiences were post-war discipline and conformity. 0.68

00:30:34.660 Leave it to Beaver. 0.99

00:30:35.860 Yeah, leave it to Beaver.

00:30:37.520 How they parented, authority, strict rules, obedience was the priority.

00:30:42.660 Yeah, everybody, 5 p.m., we sat at the dinner table, there was a pie in the oven, and then we all-

00:30:50.600 newspaper and then we'll have dinner right and then everybody sat down the scene would pan out

00:30:56.360 the fireplace was cracking you're playing you know whatever game and the dad was reading his paper

00:31:01.480 and mom was doing knitting right that was the silent generation well you really hit that

00:31:06.040 description perfectly yeah and then how they influenced the child as the silent generation

00:31:11.240 this approach led to boomer rebellion and of course the boomers are the hippies really they

00:31:17.880 really they changed everything so baby boomers their lived experience was woodstock 0.73

00:31:22.200 woodstock permissiveness open love for everybody right because they wanted to be different parents 0.83

00:31:28.920 from their parents exactly and so they their their parenting style was this chart's brilliant

00:31:34.680 flexible rules dialogue and self-expression was encouraged and by the way i grew up raised by

00:31:42.120 boomers yeah they weren't quite this hippie but there was a certain gentleness there was leniency

00:31:49.880 compared to what i heard them talk about from their parents right and then how it

00:31:54.600 influenced the child it led to gen x latchkey independence my mom was at work every day when

00:32:00.760 i got home i let myself in and i'm talking about from like the age of 12 maybe let myself in at

00:32:09.640 At the end of the day, put on, leave it to Beaver,

00:32:12.880 had a snack and did my homework.

00:32:14.440 Yeah.

00:32:15.380 And mom came home and we got on with our evening.

00:32:18.020 My dad came home, we got on with our evening.

00:32:21.060 So that was generally,

00:32:23.160 was that your experience really as well?

00:32:25.260 Yeah, like, well, I mean, I was 13,

00:32:28.560 till I was 13, I was in India.

00:32:30.400 But when we moved to the States, I was just in 13.

00:32:34.300 So it was a very fast introduction

00:32:37.340 this latchkey kind of interdependent you really you leapt into it with a

00:32:42.860 change in life and and location right but you know once I by by time I was in

00:32:48.320 grade 10 I'd made in a friend so then you got introduced to that kind of stuff

00:32:53.540 so then all of a sudden it was still awkward and weird but it was kind of

00:32:56.480 like okay this is normal this is the normal scenario here right that this for

00:33:02.020 another episode i think uh generational is interesting but i think also we need to look at

00:33:08.100 uh culture uh second generation uh what it means to move from an india to an america and how

00:33:16.220 parenting is influenced that way as well right and we can actually look at you know when the war

00:33:22.920 ended and you had people coming from eastern europe so like you know or from italy greece and

00:33:29.460 that and they had a language barrier and they have first born so they actually had to blend

00:33:37.860 parenting and this is where you know you start seeing these intersections right because

00:33:44.240 so say for example you're a first generation Canadian yeah a first generation Canadian's

00:33:51.660 integration into society is a silent barrier to entry that isn't talked about no and it's

00:34:02.620 an essential thing to acknowledge and recognize and not from like a victim perspective but from

00:34:08.540 an interpretation perspective right because once you have understanding and awareness half the

00:34:16.380 the battle step what you want to do with it is how do you harness that value we can time travel and

00:34:24.000 change we all have our unique experiences could they have been less bumpy absolutely could there

00:34:30.060 have been more accommodations absolutely but that doesn't mean you stop that doesn't mean you don't

00:34:35.460 take the lessons of it the best example and I use this in session quite a lot is when we were

00:34:41.400 learning to walk we had more falls did at any point at that moment did you go I'm not gonna

00:34:52.100 practice on hardwood I'm just gonna make crawl myself right no you did not that's so true if

00:34:58.980 you didn't do it then because that was learning yeah sure you know yes we could always have an

00:35:06.320 x value that could have made it better there's no dispute or disagreement there

00:35:12.800 because you're always going to have an x value that you did not have but simultaneously you also

00:35:18.880 have a y value that you did have we tend not to highlight that right human nature is right why

00:35:26.240 out of the out of the equation but it's our job individually to recognize that it's x plus y

00:35:33.600 that gives me outcome and what i choose to focus on becomes individual so coming to gen x so i was

00:35:40.320 going to say so that actually ties in because gen x i mean our lived experience is self-reliance

00:35:48.560 and we started the technology but we were out for us at 14 being out till the sun came down

00:35:55.040 right was normal so guess what we did when the millennial kids they're sitting at home

00:35:59.840 i remember babysitting my nephew he's a gen z-er okay and it's summer and i think he was like 11

00:36:06.160 at the time i'm like what are you doing inside yeah what do you mean what are you doing inside 0.51

00:36:12.800 uh and i'm like just out sunshine yeah he's like uh buddy we don't do that stuff

00:36:21.600 so i'm like okay why don't you play with your friends like you know i am

00:36:24.480 blew me away i'm like what do you mean yeah and that's the latchkey independent i'm going to tell

00:36:30.820 you something and when we get to millennials you'll appreciate this even more so remind me

00:36:35.580 i have an example of where this goes with millennials uh gen x self-reliance and tech

00:36:40.520 focus uh we parented we prioritize practical skills safety and early tech exposure so like

00:36:49.160 here you've got to learn this and then how it influenced a child this led to millennial

00:36:54.380 conscious parenting right because yeah well I was going to say because they just ramped up the love

00:37:04.020 and joy and more respectful less authoritarian parenting that we had evolved into with them

00:37:12.560 Because the minute baby boomers became grandparents and parents were working.

00:37:21.080 The kids had grandparents. 0.67

00:37:24.720 We didn't have grandparents do the same because our grandparents were from World War II, from the Great Depression.

00:37:35.640 So they were more frugal. 0.75

00:37:37.800 the baby boomers when they became grandparents one they already were either still working

00:37:44.720 because remember we were still part of that 25 kids yeah which means they were in their late

00:37:49.540 50s early 60s which means they had the ability to take you to mcdonald's our grandparents couldn't

00:37:56.980 take us to mcdonald's no that's true see the difference yeah now i will say this that's what

00:38:01.720 carries over i think what's really interesting is i my grandmother has uh long gone i miss her

00:38:08.440 often still she was one of my favorite people in the world because when i got released to my

00:38:13.860 grandmother's out of my parenting's care my own parents parenting care at the moment i would hang

00:38:19.420 out with my grandmother at the cottage for a weekend or just i she lived down the street so

00:38:23.980 i could just go and escape my parents and go to grandma's some of the greatest things i learned

00:38:29.040 about life uh came from those moments but i i felt like i could never get those from my parents

00:38:36.340 those moments now i watch my parents with my kids and they're having that same experience and i

00:38:42.800 think there is something about being removed one generation but it's what the generation inherited

00:38:48.300 while they were growing up and and so my grandmother was silent generation she worked

00:38:54.760 hard to adapt and she even worked for CRA so she worked hard to adapt to the boomer mentality which

00:39:02.340 she didn't always agree with right but another thing that was different is that there was a sense

00:39:07.800 of abundance baby boomers and gen xers we live by the sears catalog yeah so you marked it and you

00:39:18.820 hoped you got it that's so true right if it came did you have that experience having come from

00:39:24.820 india to the u.s did you get a little bit of that in your life where you yeah yeah i want this i

00:39:29.580 want this like when you look at like uh there were uh two families that left at the same time so

00:39:35.140 three of my cousins and three of us six of us and it's interesting when you put all six of us

00:39:39.940 together and we talk about our last 30 years here it's like i look at them and i'm like

00:39:45.120 how how how is that possible really yeah like but we've been in canada for 30 years my brother's

00:39:52.240 still not been to a cottage and i go to cottages every summer france cottages and not like like

00:39:57.680 i'm talking like um for extended stays like three days days four days right and you become a part of

00:40:03.060 the family oh yeah for sure um you know their their kids have gotten married have been part of

00:40:07.680 their weddings like you know what i mean like i'm like and i look at my brother i'm like how's that

00:40:11.180 possible? I look at my sister and I'm like, how is that possible?

00:40:13.700 Right? So, uh, thanksgiving in the States by grade 10, because I

00:40:19.300 moved to start of grade eight, by grade 10, I was going for

00:40:21.840 Thanksgiving to friends' houses. So I learned culture through my

00:40:26.060 experiences.

00:40:26.740 That, that was your experience, right? And your brother, by the

00:40:29.980 sounds of it, actually just missed your generation.

00:40:34.220 Yeah. Going down. Yeah. Right. Millennials. How will

00:40:40.400 millennials parent their experience was empathy and gentle parenting amid modern digital pressures

00:40:45.700 yeah and that's the truth i mean i can't tell you how many times a text message or a post became an

00:40:51.460 issue in one of my kids lives it was a new era to navigate so there are certain aspects of

00:40:59.720 millennial parenting that i am an advocate for because they're bringing forward certain

00:41:07.380 challenges that we experienced when we were kids and because there was an absence of understanding

00:41:14.540 the technology element of it just conversation like you know what you brought up with the uh

00:41:19.660 the number of serial killers whose parents whose dads were world war ii right but because we did

00:41:25.140 not understand the consequence of experiencing something so horrifying right right so now now

00:41:31.400 we do we do that's what the millennial parents have an advantage of and even generational trauma

00:41:36.000 is something to be understood right right but it's some it's it's a the best way to recognize it

00:41:43.720 is is that it deserves a space and dialogue and that doesn't mean it means that we're faulting

00:41:49.700 and blaming it's you're acknowledging it for what it is and and i use this example in session

00:41:56.540 quite often. I go think about this. A grapevine that has to dig deep into the soil and its roots

00:42:06.740 have to entrench themselves so that that fruit can get the resource. That wine that's made from

00:42:14.200 that grape sells for a hundred dollars but that wine had to experience and endure hardship but

00:42:23.080 that wine is going to create other grapes seeds that are going to create new generations and

00:42:28.900 they're going to naturally go we have to go deep we're too deep yeah so yes you can talk about

00:42:33.380 certain things that deserves communication and dialogue that doesn't mean that you ostracize

00:42:39.260 and box because you don't understand that unique experience the transitioning from one world to

00:42:45.100 another where you're not speaking a language you experienced a horrifying war while you were a

00:42:51.020 teenager right that you didn't understand and now not only do you have to adjust to a new society

00:42:56.440 but you have to try your best to raise your children wear all of those hats simultaneously

00:43:02.340 then we can sit down and we can talk about the errors they made yeah and i think that that's

00:43:08.000 interesting because you're always going to have experience is unless you wear each and every hat

00:43:13.080 And from that lens, look at the errors they made.

00:43:18.840 And I'll bet you anything, you will be having the same battles because that is what it's about.

00:43:24.860 Hindsight is 20-20 for a reason.

00:43:27.280 You learn from it, but you also adapt from it.

00:43:30.800 I think of this one.

00:43:31.760 Overall approach to empathy for millennials is a cornerstone.

00:43:36.020 Gentle parenting and validating emotions.

00:43:38.700 I don't know about you, but right up until my mom passed away and I was a parent many years myself, I was still hearing things like, oh, shut up. 1.00

00:43:52.280 You're crazy. 0.99

00:43:53.680 There's no crying in baseball. 1.00

00:43:55.420 There's no crying in baseball.

00:43:57.620 Try using that now.

00:43:59.060 Yeah, right.

00:44:00.280 So it's funny that the major difference in just a generation.

00:44:04.780 Right. 0.99

00:44:05.020 But what I'm saying is that is where it's correct.

00:44:06.860 that is where it's it's necessary right and i'm a proponent for that because we need to validate

00:44:13.140 feelings we need to validate what we're experiencing and it doesn't matter what age you are right it's

00:44:19.720 just now we have to learn to be comfortable to experience what we're feeling but we were we

00:44:26.060 naturally learn there's no crying in baseball we have to strip that so that's where we credit them 0.99

00:44:32.900 for being spearheading just like how the baby boomers were in the woodstock era to give us 0.99

00:44:40.300 what we have today exactly so you have to respect what the new generation is trying to do you ever 0.91

00:44:46.120 heard the song sowing the seeds of love by uh cheers for fears no have a listen to that song

00:44:51.800 it's so interesting sowing the seeds of love it's all about what we do now to lay the groundwork for

00:44:59.440 future love right future better love for future better relationships that's the way to do it and

00:45:06.640 if we started doing that and you know if the millennials could jump back and tap and go hey

00:45:10.560 listen okay the silent generation made errors which then i subconsciously or generationally

00:45:18.480 inherited generational right okay that's one knowledge that but there were things that they

00:45:25.120 were able to do to get by am i also grasping that so in today's time when grocery prices are going

00:45:30.560 up the roof you don't have cooking skills you can't go to the grocery store and look at three

00:45:38.080 items and just buy it and know what to do with it they were able to right why aren't you inheriting

00:45:43.760 that knowledge as well yeah you want to talk about their errors why aren't you talking about the

00:45:47.440 less guess what but it should be natural to you and the next generation it will be more natural

00:45:52.640 to do you know why because in this generation's experience food is unattainable at a reasonable

00:45:58.800 price so because it's processed and because it's processed so the next generation is going to be

00:46:05.040 like oh we don't want the process and we're going to learn to cook again because that's what makes

00:46:08.960 us live longer be healthier be happy so what's stopping this generation from doing well nothing

00:46:14.160 absolutely nothing yeah because if you inherit a generational trauma why can't you inherit

00:46:20.400 generational learning it's the same pathway yeah yeah why inheritance is in her why why can't we

00:46:27.120 because you're only focusing on the x value you're only focusing on the x value i have generational

00:46:34.080 trauma absolutely you do but you also have generational learning why are we not having

00:46:40.400 that conversation because there is never a zero sum in generational learning christophe you got

00:46:45.760 to write that down so we don't forget it you you actually did that was genius can you say that

00:46:51.520 again yes you have generational trauma we all do likely but you also have generational value

00:46:57.600 and it cannot be a sum zero it cannot be a sum zero can't be because you've had that experience

00:47:04.080 it's always going to because if you add even a 0.1 value to trauma automatically it has to have

00:47:11.760 a value to that because it cannot be zero because that trauma is also value right so how can you

00:47:17.680 only attribute value to one part of the equation this is fascinating this is so that is parenting

00:47:24.160 look i don't want to rush through it but i want you to do me a favor you try it first and then

00:47:27.920 i'll try it it's uh yuri braun friend brenner's ecological systems theory um it was done in 1979

00:47:36.320 and he was a psychologist and he came up with this theory of um think of it as uh circles okay yep

00:47:44.480 so your first circle is your microsystem and basically what it is is your daily experiences

00:47:50.240 and this is who you kind of interact with most mom dad siblings siblings relatives whatever but

00:47:57.040 they're your consistent micro world okay then right outside that is your like school daycare

00:48:03.840 extracurricular activities uh friends houses that kind of stuff so word i haven't heard in a while

00:48:09.040 your mesosystem yeah right so underneath i put the clinical uh terms and then you know then you have

00:48:16.880 your indirect influences so that's the outer ring this could be like you know you're at your friends

00:48:22.640 and you see you come from a functional home and you see this function or you're from a functional

00:48:28.160 home but you see your parents disagreeing right age perspective and all of that so that is your

00:48:35.200 third circle your fourth circle is the culture you are in in your microsystem so which is your

00:48:44.320 heritage first generation second generation you could be you know polish and that is italian how

00:48:51.520 about this dyed in the wool aurelian or dyed in the wool torontonian right right so that's that

00:48:58.160 And then the last one is space and time and your evolution through space and time.

00:49:05.140 Okay, take me through this.

00:49:06.160 Now let's look at our daily experience through a child's lens.

00:49:09.700 So what the sheet's all about is, you know, on the top is your clinical lens.

00:49:16.980 By the way, you can download this.

00:49:18.180 Yeah.

00:49:18.420 This PDF is downloadable right here.

00:49:20.940 Because a lot of times what happens is when there's knowledge available out there, it's given,

00:49:25.540 and then we start interpreting it for ourselves and then we kind of go am i interpreting this right

00:49:30.340 am i interpreting this and then we start looking for variables so what kind i did is i kind of like

00:49:34.340 took it one step further and i said okay this is what it would feel like through a child's lens

00:49:40.340 but be a child because you've been through that lens yeah okay which means that when you are in

00:49:46.980 that system right when you feel safe and happy you feel good yeah and then when you interact

00:49:55.860 with your world and if it's consistent you feel safe it continues out because you still have that

00:50:01.140 right connection to mom no you it's it they they connect they they communicate they they sound

00:50:07.140 they're not within each other that's right yeah okay i got you because like you know day school

00:50:11.940 or uh it's like living in the suburbs and going to inner city schools right okay right it's not

00:50:16.660 jarring no right same thing right uh indirect so you're not seeing ruptures in home right um same

00:50:24.740 thing with your cultural world you know you you're inheriting it you have absolute understanding

00:50:29.860 and same thing with as you progress right empowerment what gentle parenting advocates

00:50:34.660 right like self-functioning self um regulating right now when you look at it through the parents

00:50:42.260 lens and you look at the same system it looks different it kind of does right the system now

00:50:49.700 all of a sudden looks a little bit different and again now it's because how can i nurture

00:50:55.620 yeah this is where this is where you get to work as a parent right and in these words then when

00:51:02.100 when you look at the exterior world,

00:51:03.940 how do I get them to the best school?

00:51:05.260 How do I get them the best extracurricular activities?

00:51:07.340 How do I stay involved in their schooling?

00:51:10.700 Do I like this daycare?

00:51:11.980 Right.

00:51:12.820 Do I like this monster?

00:51:13.660 Do I think this teacher's being fair?

00:51:14.660 Right.

00:51:15.420 Then are they okay?

00:51:17.140 You worry naturally, you worry about them, right?

00:51:19.360 The natural concern, right?

00:51:21.320 Then they are the ones that are sharing life stories

00:51:24.180 about their life experiences, their life cultures,

00:51:26.500 important events, right?

00:51:27.840 Whether it's religious events or cultural events

00:51:29.880 or social events or personal family rituals

00:51:33.920 that they do, right?

00:51:35.320 And then evolving as the kids evolve.

00:51:38.280 From a societal lens, we all have a societal lens

00:51:41.520 because we are observers of our world.

00:51:43.560 Well, the societal lens is the lens I think

00:51:46.400 that we look through as parents

00:51:48.560 that make us make comparisons like-

00:51:50.680 Right, but you're equally,

00:51:53.100 so you might be complaining to your thing on,

00:51:55.440 you know, it'd be nice if there was a nice daycare

00:51:57.540 that I could take my child to, or you know what?

00:51:59.080 wish our school had better daycare programs or you know what we live in this condo and you know the

00:52:02.840 park isn't safe right so you're you're you're creating that same thing with community resources

00:52:08.440 right like the community hours open after 5 p.m right right can they open at 7 a.m things like

00:52:15.400 that right in terms of indirect influences what kind of work-life balance policies does my employer

00:52:21.320 offer what is you know instead of eight months child care leave can we both be able to take a

00:52:29.800 year and a half oh this lens is amazing to right through and then you look at not only your culture

00:52:35.480 but you look at other cultures and you're able to comfortably explain it comfortably engage with it

00:52:39.640 and show how we interact and you fuse and you become one and the same yeah right and then same

00:52:44.120 thing with now you're looking at different family structures and respecting and evolving that this

00:52:50.520 because yeah especially in places like canada and the united states where mixed marriages of culture

00:52:55.320 color and even in india heritage in india there is yeah right why and that's the change that's

00:53:02.500 the evolution where we're not saying oh the western world is much more exclusive it's different

00:53:07.000 blending's everywhere right and blending's been going on for years it's the british that drew

00:53:11.660 lines and named names well we did populate an entire planet right god bless the king

00:53:17.000 i don't know you're the one with the royal name but this is fine i'm going to encourage people

00:53:26.520 to download these because it's through these lenses you actually can start to relate to this

00:53:30.480 world you're all three exactly you started as a child you'll still be a child you've been the

00:53:36.180 parent and you and you're out we're still the child you're still a child whether your parents

00:53:40.100 are here or not you'll always be a child you'll always have that what they imparted on you was

00:53:44.200 that love that nurturing a lay parent can give so it's so i kind of you know the best way to kind

00:53:49.560 of get this is think of this as march madness the perfect bracket for march back because there's

00:53:53.800 never a perfect bracket in march madness you're not going to hit every marker here and and that's

00:53:58.520 really great because if you know that you're hitting none of them you're a human being

00:54:03.400 because it's about understanding how you interact in each sphere.

00:54:10.700 It's a living experience.

00:54:14.000 This is not a reflective experience.

00:54:16.660 So when you are now working with, say, a toddler,

00:54:20.580 you have to see in which frame they are.

00:54:25.480 Right.

00:54:26.480 Then.

00:54:27.440 So this has occurred.

00:54:30.720 What box does this fall into?

00:54:32.120 indirect influences that we feel okay let me understand it from that lens from that lens

00:54:39.560 where they fall on the generational chain where where am i and where are they and what parenting

00:54:44.440 style i want to use download all three of these i recommend it that's why i i made this because

00:54:51.720 you you know there's talks about what is gentle parenting and then there's this pro and con and

00:54:55.480 back and forth and all of that and i'm like no you need a functioning tool that is relevant

00:54:59.160 and unique to that individual household let's go back to the beginning right we're on a plane

00:55:06.440 a kid is flipping out right where do you stand as a parent in that moment watching that occur

00:55:16.760 through the societal lens where do you think we need to get to to look through that lens

00:55:23.960 in a healthier manner than being judgmental well you don't have to agree to it it only

00:55:30.680 you only need one opinion to change yours and the story ends what another person's opinion is

00:55:38.920 it's not yours right so if you have a different opinion and you take a look at this and say okay

00:55:43.560 well you know that's life on that and i understand that moment that specific moment was a moment

00:55:49.320 that has nothing to do with my life right okay so so i'll give you a a very good uh experience

00:55:57.740 that i've had when you do these 16 hour flights right by the time you get to the second segment

00:56:04.080 right which means you know you're doing a layover somewhere unless you're not taking a direct flight

00:56:08.280 but that child's exhausted and you put a a toddler and they're going through six seven times

00:56:14.400 The parent's also going through time alone.

00:56:18.280 You see, people forget that.

00:56:19.900 The parent is also going through their levels of anxiety,

00:56:22.720 their levels of overwhelm, their levels

00:56:24.420 of whatever they're going through.

00:56:26.900 So as an observer, I have two choices.

00:56:31.520 I can acknowledge, do something or not do something.

00:56:36.940 Passing opinion, literally, passing opinion is not that.

00:56:44.400 because at that moment if you were in that moment not how they're parenting but what they may be

00:56:50.980 experiencing why they may be going or what they're right the fatigue and the worry and the process

00:56:55.740 you don't know any of those things but that child is overwhelmed that's a physical response

00:57:01.840 so either you could take permission do something figure it out but that's unique to that situation

00:57:08.820 that doesn't mean we're saying hey they could have solved it this way that's not what it is

00:57:12.700 no but it is you need to be in that situation understand it now coming back to this kid

00:57:17.200 on the thing it was a late flight no the con the what you're right the context what i'm saying it

00:57:23.920 was a late flight and it was on a c c c 30 whatever it had 150 people on it someone could

00:57:31.440 have said hey listen you know let's get the kid out what i'm saying is there's hindsight's 2020

00:57:36.200 and we can come here and come up with the best armchair parent probability of what the parent

00:57:40.240 could have done can i tell you my passing an opinion is the first thing what everybody should

00:57:44.160 do can i tell you my reaction to the story when i heard it wasn't what the is wrong with parents

00:57:49.840 today i would have done that my first response was remembering something that happened with uh

00:57:56.880 one of my kids i was in arizona at the airport the baby had been screaming toddlers screaming for

00:58:04.560 days miserable miserable we couldn't figure out what was wrong we get to the airport screaming

00:58:10.160 screaming screaming screaming could not calm this child no matter what we did and a gentleman walked

00:58:16.080 up to me and he he saw me dealing with this and in very calm calm words he looked at my eyes and he

00:58:23.040 said i've been there brother you're gonna be okay see and everything changed almost immediately

00:58:31.680 my energy changed and the baby stopped crying so the cause and effect of that man taking a minute

00:58:39.920 and saying ah brother i've been there you're gonna be all right it'll be okay and from what i read

00:58:45.760 the toddler was terrified of course no toddler wants to make him a scene no no they were experiencing

00:58:52.640 terror like they they were reacting yeah but they couldn't communicate right so everybody's trying

00:58:57.360 trying to fix a problem and it's no one's fault because you're time bound you see if this was

00:59:01.940 like in a grocery store it's a different conversation this was on a flight and the

00:59:07.380 flight attendant is trying to do her job so empathy from a flight attendant is not her job

00:59:11.620 because she's going through a check sequence exactly you have to understand she has a very

00:59:16.060 specific her job she has to meet that criteria that's what i'm saying wear the hat then have a

00:59:22.240 conversation fair advice thank you sim yeah look i want to tell people again you can download these

00:59:28.980 but also i don't do this well enough when you're on because you're such a sweet guy for coming in

00:59:33.400 and you save the day often on these topics i want people to understand this is the kind of human

00:59:41.680 being you get if you if you haven't had therapy if you haven't had someone to talk to and you

00:59:47.300 wonder oh my god what is it going to be like what's going to be a lot like this to be honest

00:59:52.480 with you i've never seen sim in any other fashion or in any other mode and most of the psychotherapists

00:59:58.780 i've ever met in my life and i happen to be married to one are some of the sweetest listeners

01:00:03.320 and nicest people you'll ever meet there is no judgment there i promise you uh where can people

01:00:08.460 reach out uh horizon within is the website horizonwithin.ca now can i highlight what's

01:00:17.020 going on in your website? Is it live now?

01:00:18.740 Yeah, it's live.

01:00:19.460 Okay, go and check this out. Not only can you go there and just

01:00:22.840 you can get in touch with Sam and tell me how much you love

01:00:24.820 him and all that sort of stuff. But also, he's put a very

01:00:28.320 interactive face on his website so that you can access tools on

01:00:32.800 almost any topic, I think 70 so far, 70 so far. So the

01:00:37.260 categories are self confidence, reliance, performance and

01:00:40.620 recovery. And then in the miscellaneous, I have some for

01:00:43.180 parenting uh life transitions uh you know when uh when you're like getting a new job or you know

01:00:52.060 you're getting into a new relationship whatever okay and what it is is designed because we are

01:00:56.860 so focused on x value what i don't have what's wrong with me why i can't so the question here

01:01:02.700 is the way we've designed it is is that when you go through it it you go through and you pick a

01:01:07.900 response that you feel would be the most appropriate to you individually and at the end you kind of get

01:01:14.220 a um a percentage breakdown on how you see the world are you more grounded so are you more so

01:01:21.260 cool it's visual it shows percentages of emotions how you answered each question it's really cool

01:01:28.300 and it's more not to interpret the why but to understand the why value is that for anybody to

01:01:35.180 go to anybody it's a free tool you can just go on there and do it um there's an opportunity for you

01:01:40.540 to book a 15-minute complimentary session to go over your results and then we can talk about you

01:01:46.300 know what you like about it and what you'd like to improve on the idea is we'll all we all have an x

01:01:53.180 value but we also have a y value and what that designs to do is show you that whatever you have

01:02:01.740 in your y value is also what you need to get to the end result you actually have the stuff that

01:02:06.860 you need yeah even if you might need to make adjustments and that's up to you because it just

01:02:11.740 shows you so it's so evident how you put emphasis on certain things which why you interpret the

01:02:19.660 world the way you do we all have our reasons to interpret the way we do but we've never given the

01:02:23.500 opportunity to decide that for us this is really cool uh horizonwithin.ca simranjit oh am i in

01:02:32.140 trouble you're definitely not in trouble you're the best thank you so thanks man great show uh and

01:02:37.500 thank you for joining us this was important if you're a parent i hope you took some something

01:02:41.020 away from this as a grandparent now you can act so knowledgeable with your own kids about their kids

01:02:46.220 Thanks so much for joining us. TPLmedia.ca is where you saw this. See you next time.

True Patriot Love - September 02, 2026

Are We Parenting Kids the Wrong Way Today？ ft. Sim Chhabra

Episode Stats

Transcript